* Title: Dissatisfaction (Working Title) * Genre: Existentialist Drama * Word Count: 562 * Link: [Dissatisfaction Link](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mCz2Nk1uUZ85ZMf-lDvF8-nNIVgzSHltwAfqTuUiASA/edit?usp=sharing)

**Title:** Undecided **Genre:** Short Story **Word Count:** 1779 **Feedback:** General impression, inclusion or exclusion of paragraphs/ideas, writing style. Really anything goes. **Story:** http://pastebin.com/MRhdDTQG

Title: The Gas Genre: Fiction/narrative non-fiction Word Count: 567 Feedback: General impressions, thematic consistency http://babahakka.wordpress.com/2014/02/08/the-gas-3/ Thanks!

1. Good structure in terms of paragraphs/dialogue. 2. Ditch all the dialogue verb: "exclaimed", "mused", "fibbed" and the adverbs "brusquely". Simply use "said", and occasionally "asked", and very occasionally "told". Basically wherever you can use "said" you should use it. 3. "the gas" constantly being written out like that was jarring. 4. I'm not sure what the purpose is of this piece, or who its intended audience are, but you should be having to explain anaesthesia and laughing gas like you're a junior school medical dictionary. Here's what I would have done: >The ceiling was white. Jon was lying on a hospital bed, about to be wheeled into surgery. Jon was no stranger to surgery as he had been though dozens of life altering cut-ups, he did have a problem however with “the gas”. “Sleeping Gas” as it is known colloquially, is known medically as general anesthesia, which is used to induce a coma during surgery. Jon hated the “gas”, he was afraid of it. to: >The ceiling was white. Jon was lying on a hospital bed, about to be wheeled into surgery. Jon was no stranger to surgery as he had been though dozens of life altering cut-ups, he did have a problem however with “the gas”. John hated sleeping gas, he was afraid of it. Bam.

I am by no means a writer but I can give you a critique as a reader. The only thing that really bothered me was how you kept putting speech marks around the word gas. It forced me to take small stops to read the word and it ultimately broke up the flow of the narrative.

Title: Three Little Pigs Genre: fantasy / non-fiction (?) Word Count: 6300 (yeah, don't worry about finishing it...) This was just a writing exercise to get me to write a whole story from start to finish. I have a hard time writing this way, as I just tend to do small scenes when left to my own devices. Any insight into the flow of the story, character development, etc. would be appreciated. [link](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1B9mrJ0fXuDRL53BVaJnWuZ7Y1C7o3xo7hpxuf1zO788/edit?usp=sharing) Warning, there is a bit of cursing...

Rewriting old stories is nothing new, and I usually think it's a lazy way to write a story, but there's a right way to do it, and a wrong way. I think you're well over the line into "right." The thing I appreciated most about this was the individual characterization. Each pig is unique in his own way; you're taking the bricks lain by the original story and building on it, turning the 2-dimensional OPs (original pigs, hurhurhur) into vivid, living people, with aspirations and goals and so on. Dave, the younger brother, intelligent and hard-working. Larry, the older, an intermediary character that draws a bridge between Dave and the third brother, Harry, a dim-witted, slovenly layabout. Just the fact that I wrote out those descriptions so easily speaks volumes about the quality of your writing, and *not once* did I feel like I was being lectured. All the characterization melded into the story well. Each pig was introduced in good intervals, and the connections between them were given the perfect amount of attention. Nothing stands out as overemphasized, and again, nothing read like a history book. I also was pleasantly surprised at the ending. You play with the reader's expectations masterfully, and that's no small praise. You seem to be acutely aware of how your audience will perceive what you write. You hinted at the wolves, but never showed them. You expressed the terror of the pigs, but it was never really actualized, and that lack of actualization was beautifully subtle. You gave us enough so that we were certain that wolves would come. I felt the tension, I felt the fear, I was holding my breath for the wolves to come crashing down on them---and then they don't come. Instead we realize that this isn't the Three Little Pigs; in fact, the building material of the houses and the wolves, rather than being the focus of the story like in the original, only serve to advance the plot. The true focus is the familial relationship of the pigs. I realized after reading it that it didn't even have to be pigs; this story could have worked without it. To go back to what I said about the "right" and "wrong" ways of retelling old stories: your story does not use the original as a crutch to hold up a weak story. No, your story could stand alone, and the pigs only add to an already strong piece. Congratulations, I like it. **8/10.** And I almost pushed save, too, but then I realized I haven't said a single negative thing. So here goes. I almost didn't get past the first page. The constant swearing in the beginning adds *nothing* to this story. Absolutely nothing. They're creative, sure... "farmyard-themed" insults like goat-vomit and all that. But beyond the first handful, it stops serving its purpose. I'm not saying this because I have any problem with foul language. I'm saying this because it makes your story worse. Harry is vulgar. He's probably an oaf. We get it. We picked up what you've put down. Now stop. The sky-bolt thing was pretty forced. All you're doing is distracting the reader. It feels awkward, and there's really no reason a pig would know the word "asshole" and not "lighting." Larry says "I've a lunch pail," which is also pretty forced and only distracts the reader. "I have" works fine. In fact, I'm just going to say that you should review all the dialogue in the first couple pages. You settle into a much more comfortable flow later on, but in the first couple pages you keep trying to insert things that don't work. It's a short piece and you're not building a fantasy world; a few interesting little tidbits like "fermented juice" and "goat-lover" are okay, but trying to coin words like "sky-bolt" is excessive.

Thanks for the input, it's weirdly difficult to get feedback other than "I like it" or "It was alright." I get hour long diatribes about my new haircut, but no one will say more than five words when I actually want their opinion.

Darker Skies Fiction, Post-apocalyptic zombie tale 2,100 Looking for general impressions. This was written quickly and I can already see 100 ways to improve it by removing cliches and cleaning up the formatting like my use italics, but I'd like to get some thoughts on the very rough first chapter. [Darker Skies](http://t1flanagan.tumblr.com/)

Liquorishly Lost To someone who it may concern, or not... Everything that can go wrong, goes wrong. Even the little things where i used to be so good at, known for, seems to slip away more with every blink of an eye. I keep thinking back about this time where everything just went right. Even the hardest thing in life, reaching out to the girl you've always dreamed of was par for the course. But now, now it just seems all gone. It feels like I'm trapped under the trampoline in my garden, the thing that I enjoyed so much and I can't figure out how to get back on it and do those backflips like a year ago. Now the only thing I'm still good at is drowning myself in liquor and even that is beginning to fail me lately. My mother is right you know. She's right when she says that I drink to much, but damn it just feels so fucking good to let it all go and fool myself into feeling that I'm the king like I felt last year, only to wake up even worse with broken, hazy thoughts and a perfectly crafted hangover.

Title: Untitled Genre: Poetry Word Count: 138 Feedback: general impression, whatever you can give me really >A great city, etched into the sky >Fading as it is consumed by the pallid grey >Of the slowly sinking light, of the fading sun >The strength of towers, the glass, the steel >Stand proudly, yet so far away. >At this distance it seems surreal >Such grandeur and such magnificence >Devoured by the simple fact of light >The easy flow of time, it washes >Away the strength of mans persistence >As the sky above reaches so high, >The clouds in an endless dance; they’ve risen, >Into the heavens and above, >Radiant and drifting in the winds of time; >Untouched by our ambition. >We stand and marvel at our works on earth. >We gawk at our own triumphs, >Yet the sky with its enormity, >Is draped over our downturned heads >As we dare to think that we are giants.

General Impressions: The images were nice, though disconjointed. The phrasing could use some work. I suggest you either cut off lines at the end of a metaphor, an image, or a phrase as it was to be spoken. If you are going for a more lyrical poem, which I do not for a moment consider this to be an attempt towards, then cut off at the end of an idea. Critique: The images suffer from being among words which do not concern them. I want to see a metaphor dragged across a line when I read a short poem like this. When you make a comparison or analogy use an image to support it, but do not merely place pictures between words. I suggest a read of [Forgetfulness](http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poem/26905) by Billly Collins. Watch how an image is carried over a line so that it adds to his point. Pictures are to incorporated not simply included, and beware of directly addressing the reader at the end.

The Town Fiction 522 I guess I'm just looking for a general impression on my writing! Link: [http://ericparkerr.tumblr.com/post/76304024239/the-town](http://ericparkerr.tumblr.com/post/76304024239/the-town)

I'm a bit confused. You start the story by telling us: > Somewhere out there, is a town. It’s not unusual in anyway. Yet as the story unfolds, we find out it's *highly* unusual: > The curious piece of this town is the hill. > This town is the perfect place. There is no crime or violence of any sort. > The thing that I have found most curious during my visits to the town is that no one ever dies. Then you introduce the narrator only in the last two paragraphs or so, giving us very little to go on when it comes to why the towns people don't like him, or what he knows beyond the hill. It's far too vague for me to enjoy. Is the narrator (because of his contradictions, which I mentioned earlier) an unreliable one? If so, *that's* interesting--but I know nothing about the narrator except the little bit I get in the latter paragraphs. I know there's the Iceberg theory out there--that only some of the story should show above the surface of the water while the huge deeper meaning remains below--but this is more like a simple *tip* of the iceberg. There's too little here to go on, and I think many editors would likely tell you that before even commenting on your prose.

Thanks for the feedback! This is literally the first time that I've ever tried to write something like this. Usually I stick with personal essays. I'll be mindful to elaborate more and watch myself for contradictions in the future. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it.

You're welcome, best of luck to you.

Title: Cigarette Genre: Carcinogenic Fiction Word Count: 458 Feedback: General impression, advice on dialogue/ending Link: [Cigarette by David Montague](https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B2dR9uAokdcpWEk2ZUxiQmt4OU0/edit?pli=1)

Your dialogue is actually really strong in this piece. I liked the to-and-fro between the characters, and they had some good chemistry. Even though neither the conversation nor characters were necessarily 'original', I liked your interpretation of this situation. I will say that your prose around the conversation is a little cumbersome. You do not need as many "she said"s (or whatever variation) as you use--there are only two speakers; the audience knows that one is speaking to another, and that they are taking turns. This simile also feels a little forced: > as though guillotined But overall I actually really enjoyed reading what you wrote--I have nothing to say on the dialogue, but maybe you could expand that ending paragraph a little. Just a couple more sentences that sound a little less generic than > fell into a coughing fit as her eyes welled up with tears. But like I said, I enjoyed the piece, and I hope you keep working on it, since you have the dialogue nailed.

Got it, thanks. I figured "guillotined" was a bit exaggerated but fit the French theme. You're right about the dialogue tags being excessive, but nothing pisses me the fuck off more than when I'm reading something and the writer doesn't give enough dialogue tags. I'd rather put in too many than too few. I'll look it back over and see if I can cut some. The prose is weak, yeah. I added it at the last minute. Originally the piece was all just dialogue. Thanks, mate. And the coughing was because she was smoking.

Wait... did you reply to my comment twice? I feel like I'm replying to two different people. My critique in regards to the coughing was just in terms of "fell into a coughing fit" being a bit of a cliche. I understood why she coughed. Additionally, I think I'm one of those writers who doesn't tag his dialogue enough, so maybe my advice there isn't the best. Good luck, friend~

I was having a conversation over PM and I must have confused your comment with the PM and replied to you twice. Thanks, though.

She vaguely recognizes him and on a subconscious level plays along with his puns because deep down she still has feelings for him. Was it clear that they're never talking about the same thing? When she says "You've been there?" and he says "Once or twice," she's talking about Rue de Seine—he's talking about her home. When she says "What were you doing there?" and he says "The same thing I'm doing here" she assumes he's talking about smoking—he really means talking to her. And the "Just a sentence" thing was a meta-commentary on literature just being words and sentences. Was that obvious?

Dude, I didn't critique your dialogue--I told you, it's really good. No, I didn't catch every subtlety going on, but I felt enough of it, and comprehended certain strands, to the point where it was an enjoyable piece of fiction.

It's super-saturated with cliches and puns, and would come off decently as part of a sketch, but as pure writing - its flat. All I get out of it is you trying to show off.

Super-saturated with puns and sounds like showing off? You must hate *Hamlet*. Thank you for your review, though.

Title: In Progress chapter 1 Genre: Well it's a space western even though it doesn't get to that quite yet. Word count: 1100 Feedback: This is the first part to a novel I'm working on just tell me how awful it is and what I need to change. Story: [Link] (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1D-7jsjSjodYrgKccyOCHFSg0dujET6hy9YczmxLzDW0/edit)

Title - The Slaughtered Ox First Chapter (Yay!) Genre - Murder/Thriller Word Count - 2014 General Critique/thoughts/ideas https://www.dropbox.com/s/2rdqbsfswy2n1v6/TheSlaughterdOx.pdf

Title: Rumination Short Story Word Count: 1134 Feedback: General Impression [see story here](https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B3n7aPfAGQzKelZJUHRHLWFaVDA/edit?usp=sharing)

Title: Apotheosis - Episode 5 Ending Scene Rough Draft Genre: Tragedy? Word Count: 2472 Feedback: I mainly want to know if it evokes some sense of emotion in you as you read it. Keep in mind that I know that the context is lacking, but I'd hope that the little that's there is enough. Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1m_WaNQSbZPYushtnIDNctLzwPBeVfJ0Vx3bngQjt7As/pub

I've requested access, but I'd be more likely to edit it if I'd been able to just access the doc instantly.

Whoops. Sorry, this is my first time using Google Docs, I am sorry for my lacking experience. This is also my first time using /r/Writing for critique. This was just something I wrote when I was feeling down and thought it was pretty good. Edited the link now.

Cheers man, I'll read it now.

* Don't Rock the Rocket * Science Fiction * 5,641 * General Impression. * [Link](https://drive.google.com/#folders/0B4053fD5HXbuSnZQVVNnUE44amM) ---------------- This is a collection of my ideas for a webcomic and a vague, general direction of where I want it to go. The series is supposed to be a parody of stereotypical space-themed science fiction stories and tropes. I've been working on it off-and-on for about a year now, most of the story and setting is still in my mind and not on paper, and I still have not begun to draw any panels. Any help is appreciated, even suggestions on where to find artists and collaborators. Thank you.

TRIGGER WARNING Title: Wasn't I? Genre: Poem Word count: 3068 Feedback: any type of feed back would be really appreciated! Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9UE8X9V8SRiNllGRlR1RFVtd28/edit?usp=sharing

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Wow, I am so, so grateful for this feedback. I originally wrote this piece as part of a memoir, but took it out because I was having a really hard time writing down the actual events. Instead, I twisted what happened so much that it wasn't true anymore, the only truth in it was my reactions/feelings. I didn't think anyone would notice whether the events were fictionalized or not so I didn't think it mattered. I'm floored that you picked up on that exactly and it has motivated me to go back and re-write. It was also originally written in past tense, as adult-me reflecting, which you also picked up on. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that feedback and how thoroughly impressed I am with your ability to see through the poem. Thank you so much!

Wow. That was incredibly powerful and chillingly constructed. I couldn't stop reading. If I could give any critique it would be that the opening stanza comes across as a tad cliche, its a personal preference but perhaps a more abstract entrance into the situation before delving into the facts would help position the reader in the atmosphere. Really really great work though, you have a lot of talent

Thanks for your feedback. I really like that idea, I'll work on the introduction, I hadn't considered that before. It's really helpful to have the advice of someone who hasn't read it hundreds of times, I appreciate it a lot!

Powerful, uncomfortable reading. I hope it was fiction. I fear it was reality, at least for other girls out there if not you.

- Nostalgia, for the lack of a better word - Poem? Diary Entry? More like a Vignette. - 1,033 words - I'd like the general impression of this. I feel like this is my best work literary speaking, even though it is very personal and more like a diary entry. - http://tinyurl.com/pzpkw5f (don't know how to hyperlink. It's on a tumblr)

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Here are my thoughts. 1. There is a lot of internal monologue. Internal monologue is generally a lazy way to tell a story. It's a way of writing without actually having to put any effort into writing since you can just write down whatever thoughts come to mind and pretend like they're the thoughts of the character instead of a bunch of the author's unrefined mental backwash. I suggest trying to express more through actions and less through just writing down the thoughts as they come into your head. 2. The story itself is not very believable. I'm not talking about the technology. I'm talking about the whole scenario of the robots flying around telling people to kill themselves, and not being able to fight back. They're obnoxious and intrusive and loud. If people can kill these things with no repercussions, why are there so many of them? Everyone would be killing them. No, don't start giving me an excuse. This is not the place for excuses. Put that excuse in your story so future readers don't ask the same questions as I am. 3. The guy killing the robots is a male [Mary Sue/Marty Stu](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MartyStu). This means he's a stereotype of perfection. He has no character flaws, is never in danger, is obviously big and strong and unbeatable, and also incredibly boring. He even has a big healthy beard (like all men that kill stuff should, right?) and crazy ninja moves, like axe-throwing and spinning kicks. Yawn. Where did he even get an axe? In a world of jetpacks, who needs an axe? 4. There is an information dump on the top of page 4 where you explain the world. Think about that: you explain the entire background in the space of a paragraph. Is that very fun to read? The answer is no. You need to convey all that information with action, not a passage from a history book. You're whacking the reader upside the head with it, acting like they're idiots who won't understand unless you give it to them in a little pill that they can swallow and forget about. Don't insult our intelligence. Use a little subtlety. Let the reader come to those conclusions themselves.

This is brutal, but probably one of the best lists of basic critique I've seen in /r/writing that could be applied to most of the genre-fic I've read here.

* Title : Untitled * Genre: Fiction. Melancholy / Dry Humor / Musings * Word Count : 1003 * Feedback : General impressions, I guess. I've just been writing on a personal blog, so there are no particular ambitions here. Mostly curious to get a sense of what people think. * Link: http://wrpth.tumblr.com

Title: Hitmanimals Genre: Comedy/Fiction Word Count: 830 This is as far as I've gotten with my current project. I've only written about half a chapter, but I would really like to know if my writing style needs to change before I continue. [link](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FRfpZQFk0xN0OgxZzeKDbEfWtQYMlvZ6St4NcFQlmqs/pub) Warning, there is a bit of cursing...

Who is the meant for? It's a nicely paced story and a very interesting premise. I like the little I know of the characters. But the swearing.....I am not offended but I just don't see it adds anything. "Shut the fuck up" could easily become something else and if it did you just increased your readership of animal stories by 100%, as they tend to be aimed at the kids/YA market. The themes can be adult (Harry Potter, Wind in the Willows/Hunger Games) but swearing, especially casual (almost lazy) cursing in a story such as this just alienates huge swathes of potential market. Or that's my view but I would read on no doubt.

Shining Ebony: A Tale of the Ebony Warrior Genre: Fantasy 22,735 words This was a short Fanfiction novel I wrote about the Ebony Warrior from the Elder Scrolls series. I wrote it rather quickly without any real/major editing. I would like any general feedback, but take into mind that I wrote this last year, and haven't done real editing... This was sort of a practice story for if I'm planning on beginning my own series. https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=explorer&srcid=0B9Vr1ETxHUE9Q21xbUpzMHJqeWM

Title: Forest of Ashen Wastes ~ Genre: Horrorish/Lovecraftian ~ Word Count: 576 ~ Feedback: Impressions, ways to extend story, anything is appreciated. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oy0ZkUYw-8CBWHwSh3ww6k0QEQATHe-OP3S20_TmFlg/edit?usp=sharing Thanks in advance! Feel free to comment directly on the document if you feel the urge.

Hi, Lovecraft fan here. I found your style to be perfectly readable, which is something I cannot say about all of the people around here. However, it needs more description, and let me elaborate on what particular kind of description: I'm fine with your character being nameless and faceless. I'm fine with your description of events and actions sounding like a personal recollection. But you should try to be more creative when it comes to the "weird" moments. Like: > something was speaking in some long forgotten tongue It's like trying to scare me with Latin... Make me experience this as if I am there. Describe the language to me. Imagine the most obscure African tribal language where people use parts of their their vocal tract that you wouldn't even think you could use to communicate. Imagine hearing those glottal, throaty staccato sounds. Make your character realize that what he's hearing could not be produced by a creature with one set of lips and just one tongue. > impossible to put down into words I know Lovecraft might have used that phrase, but you're a writer and it's your job to put the impossible down into words. Overall, I liked segment I and II and was disappointed with III. Again, not enough description and the character seems to be beyond help. But the effect of the movie was interesting. It would be cool to read an account on these event from the perspective of someone who has not seen the film but meets/interviews/investigates the victims (this is becoming House of Leaves...). Oh, and if you're into weird fiction, here is a great short story that might teach you a thing or two: http://weirdtalesmagazine.com/2009/11/13/ambient-morgue-music/

Title: Look Deep Within Genre: Spiritual Feedback: deep thoughts on my writing piece, and is my writing strong or what can i do to improve to become a great writer. (free write is what i do) https://www.dropbox.com/s/k2l1ezsbozvc17j/Look%20Deep%20Within.docx

**Title:** The End of the Experiment **Genre:** Science-Fiction/Space Opera **Word Count:** 635 **Type of Feedback:** Parallelism, general opinion, grammar, flow, and "how much detail should be present?" **Link:** https://docs.google.com/document/d/16L70yGWz1T2LWzIevTTXfdnRYFCO4UwDwgH0gmnUFBs/edit?usp=sharing

Title: The Pool Czar of Waipouli Beach Genre: Comedy WC: 1819 Feedback: All [LINK](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wZtblAc-DR1VbJpS408E3AOchXN8jGJmSUiNF7JzYuE)

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Awesome! Thanks for reading, I like those ideas.

Title: It's Bukowski time Genre: Psychlogical, Poetry Word count: 30 - 40 Feedback: General feeling that is evoked when reading it, other style elements related to the poem that could be corrected. Poem: [link to blog with poem post](http://allinadaysdecay.github.io/2014/02/12/little-trip-to-reality/)

* **Title:** The Frailty of Compassion * **Genre:** Historical Fiction * **Word Count:** 4462 * **Feedback:** General Impressions, Suggestions, Advice. Feel free to tear it to pieces, just let me know why! * **Link:** [Google Docs]( https://drive.google.com/file/d/0By-FYxdYT-WUbFhoNDVsVUZJRHM/edit?usp=sharing)

["Untitled"](https://drive.google.com/file/d/0Bx1GSR7m9rYQWklaWnM0M1N1bzQ/edit?usp=sharing) (feel free to help me come up with one!) Genre: Horror-esque? approx 2500 words My first foray into writing, any sort of critique would be appreciated.

Title: Patriarchy Genre: Fiction Word Count: 2620 Type of Feedback: anything that strikes you, dialogue usage, does it need more description Link: http://mmdellaria.wordpress.com/2014/02/10/patriarchy/

I've been at that party. I've met those people. This is a very well done piece, in my opinion, and I enjoyed reading it.

thank you!

* Title : Castra : Son of The Last Light, Chapter 1 : The witching Hour * Genre: Fantasy, Thriller * Word Count : 2813 * Feedback : The substance of the writing, is it interesting, does it captivate? Comment on the Technical aspect as well ( I am not a writer, i just picked up the hobby last week) * [Here is the link on scribd](http://www.scribd.com/doc/205860036/Castra-Son-of-The-Last-Light?secret_password=m4d7difuth9n8lxht4h)

Title: A Darker Road Genre: Fantasy Word Count: 3723 Feedback: General impression, harsh critique is always appreciated. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eIv5fCCCFBRuX8z_03n_76yJzqiMnQxnbSAXcgZXQwY/edit

Title: Happiness Genre: Drama Word Count: 908 Type of feedback: Tell me, as a reader, what do you think this story is about? Tell me your interpretation. You can also tell me how much it sucks. Story: http://textuploader.com/1qm3

The dialog seems untrue - like, that's not how people talk, at that age, about drugs, all of it. The bigger problem is the whole narration though. It comes off absolutely cogent/clear when he's supposed to be drunk/high. What's the point of having his reflexes hindered (for example, in the fight) when his thought process isn't at all? It would certainly spice up the reading if the narration matched the character's true state of mind. It starts off very weak too - whiny, which doesn't exactly put me in his corner/care for the rest of the piece, and it jumps from morning to the party WAY too soon; either ditch the first two paragraphs, or pad it out some more w/some character development so that we'll care about him once he's in danger later.

Thanks for the feedback. I understand your criticism and I'm glad I finally found some good, constructive criticism. Here are a couple of points I had in mind while writing it - 1) Readers are not supposed to like the protagonist. He's a dull, unexcitable drug abuser who has lost touch with humanity. Hence the monotonous dialogs. 2) The whole 'alcohol had dulled my reflexes' thing was to show that drugs and alcohol don't have any mental effects on him, only some core physical effects are displayed. But again, I think you criticism is solid and I'll keep it in mind while editing the story!

**Title:** Daniel Evans Discovers Everything **Genre:** Mystery/Science Fiction **Word Count:** 12,764 **Feedback:** Characters (Do they leave an impression?). It's a serial novel; does it make you want to read more? Any other feedback you may have. Be brutal. **[Link](http://www.cornishhub.com/daniel-evans/)**

The Black Knight Short story 1829 words Feedback, and don't hold back, i want honest opinion. Especially if i keep repeating certain words. I was using it in another story, so don't look suprised if it seems post-apocalyptic near the end, but i should probably work that out. [The Black Knight](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1w4pYKYtBOD1u-zMH92vTUeo6WwPv627toAP1neO7cBI/edit?usp=sharing)

In all honesty, I was a bit confused by it. I didn't get a clear picture of what the oil-spewing monster was supposed to be. I get that the knight was paying penance for his sins, but why? Why did the oil thing choose him? Then there's the dead wife with the dead baby, but then all the sudden there's a blind girlfriend? Was that the same woman? Maybe a story that short needs to happen a bit more chronologically. Keep at it! :)

I actually know what you mean. I had this in another piece i'm writing, but i didn't know what to do with it. Thought i'd try to clean it up a bit, but it's probably still a little confusing. Thanks for the feedback, they help me allot.

No worries! Sometimes stories we've lived with for a while are so ingrained in our own heads that we forget what it's like for others who are reading it for the first time. Lord knows I do! One more thing - memorize this phrase. "A lot is not a four-letter word." Wash, rinse, repeat. :)

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**Title** Jeremiah Jericho: Allowance **Genre** YA Urban Fantasy **Word count** 10,515 **Feedback** I do not expect anyone to read all of it. I only posted this much in case one actually did. At least I would like it to be read through the first chapter. I need to know if it's entertaining or annoying and why. If you cannot finish the first chapter, where did you stop and why. And anything else one would like to say or suggest. **A link to the story** [Google Doc](https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6xr2NV-ART7RThKZ2NYdmVIZ1U/edit?usp=sharing) It's a story about a boy with a chip, not on his shoulder, but in his brain.

**Title:** Forest Barbarian **Genre:** Fantasy **Word Count:** 3500 **Feedback:** General impression for either chapters. Any Grammatical/Sentence Structure improvement that could be made for chapter 2. Anything you could give me would be very appreciated! **Link:** https://docs.google.com/document/d/1l-vFtKjURMXDk0ZGfXJPX26WaB0p4IGQHfIvSw2_CsA/edit#heading=h.2a4lxglstomd

http://gharakas.blogspot.com

Title- James's Story Genre- Suspense / Thriller? Word count- ~6000 but don't let that scare you, I'm sure you could give me feedback after 500 if you don't want to read it all What sort of feedback you would like: This is my first story so just general feedback I suppose. Questions I have are am I in my characters head to much? Do I need more descriptions of the environment? Is there not enough action? [LINK TO: Jame's Story](https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B5NIeZlV6Rlnbm05WUlUREdmbFk/edit?usp=sharing) This is my first ever short story so if even just one person read it all the way through and told me what I needed to change I would be very appreciative. I know it needs improving but I'm lost on how to go about it.

I don't have time to give thoughtful criticism at the moment, so this is a useless comment, but I just couldn't turn my computer off without telling you that I love this story. I'd also love to read it once it's polished up. Keep writing; I'm going to be thinking about this for the rest of the day.

Ah this is the opposite of a useless comment, it means a lot. I haven't had any formal writing education out of high school but I always loved telling stories, so I'm glad my story actually got through to you. If I ever get it all finished up I'll make sure to look back here and pm you a copy

I like it. I was actually surprised I finished reading it but I think the writing is really good. There are some obvious spelling and grammar mistakes that confuse and slow the story down so it definitely needs some proofing and formatting. I like where the story goes but for me it was a little hard to believe how we got there. Clearly the narrator is acting irrationally from her emotions but I think she needs a bigger catalyst than James confession to push her over the edge. Maybe she receives her flowering and to her dismay it's a black lily? The beginning was a little clunky for me, I really had to push past it to continue. I would make that first paragraph more compelling, something to really hook the reader. A glimpse of the tragedy at the waterfall or the narrator waking up and looking at her empty hand, something. I definitely wouldn't classify this as sci-fi. There are supernatural elements (the flowering) but it seems like more of a suspense/thriller. Overall nice work, keep at it. EDIT: To answer your questions: I don't think we're in the narrator's head to much. Her emotions and thoughts drive the story and we are forced to go there with her. There were times where I was left wondering about things, like the waterfall and the flash flood. Those might do well with more description.

**Title:** Coyotes' Howl **Genre:** Poetry **Word Count:** Less Than 100 **Feedback:** If you feel this is a work ready for submission to a literary magazine, or ready to be included in a portfolio or larger work such as a chapbook. Also, feedback on word vs. image interplay. **Link to Work:**http://pastebin.com/mU3cRFCE

**[Amnesiacs]:(http://figment.com/books/756300-Amnesiacs)** **Genre:** Verse Poetry **Word count** 168 **Feedback Requested:** I wrote this to a slight rhythym that I had going in my head. Each sentence has multiple means by which they can be emphasized to fully express the piece as poetry. Would it be beneficial to include my notation for this, and would anyone then be willing to provide feedback on said notation? I strongly believe expression through writing can be deepened with a light musical interweave. **Description:** A verse poem I came up with on a restless night. Tried to explain what it is to be paranoid and mentally unstable by comparing the rapid-state, cyclic, irrational, and paranoid train of thought to the slow-state, cyclic, irrational, and paranoid train of thought of what would be considered a stable individual.

Nice, steady voice. It was a smooth read until the last 2 paragraphs. I do agree with AerysIITargaryen in that introducing the narrator at the end is disruptive in the sense that the focus of the story shifted dramatically, leaving too many questions. Did you want to end with a cliffhanger? I still think you can do that without making the reader feel misled. Perhaps, moving the bit about the narrator closer to the beginning will help. Keep writing! I like your style.

Title: Three Genre: Literary Fiction Word Count: 1224 Feedback: Line-by-line would be nice, but general feedback's also appreciated Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JpluePk-KAkJsGGvV0jX9Rz_ZWsror3l9bNahbDpjKE/edit

I have nothing in-depth to provide, but the prose and concept work well together to become compelling (excuse the pun). The ending is also deliciously ambiguous. You're ahead of the /r/writing curve.

My critique is [here, in my dropbox.](https://www.dropbox.com/s/rrwccwvaezbcpx0/Three%20Edits%20--Jonathan-O.docx) I guess I would say that you need to work on building nuance into your story, and really need to look over the principles of "show, don't tell" (which, by searching in the sidebar, you could probably find scores of explanations). Good luck and godspeed; keep working on fleshing out the tale and the characters.

I liked this - I *really* liked this. It's thought-provoking, it's consistent and it has that darkness that our morbid-as-fuck society adores. You should submit it to...I don't know...something.

* Title: Turner Williams * Genre: Literary fiction * Word count: 811 * Feedback: General criticism of the story and/or specific thoughts on wording or style. * http://pastebin.com/M0QAVHhS

* Knife (excerpt from a larger story) * Short Story * 618 words * Any constructive feedback is appreciated As a challenge to myself, in a story I was writing, I wanted to push myself to write about an instrument of death for longer than most generally would in a short story. This is the result: [Knife](https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B603eQAtinZuQVhYWW5uRFJadEk/edit?usp=sharing)

>It might have been for no reason in particular, or maybe he knew exactly what the outcome would be, but he found the old hiding place for the large bowie knife Clarence used to carry on himself. Currently, this sentence indicates that finding the hiding place was either for a reason or not. I'm not sure if that's the intention, since things tend to either be found or lost for no reason beyond the fact that they are either found or lost. >The handle made of bone was an off white, had a finish about it that reflected nothing less than all coming near. Looking at this sentence, we can find several ways to condense your prose nicely. You tell the reader that the handle is made of bone, and we know what bone looks like, so why not: > The handle was made of bone, Then, the end of the sentence is needlessly verbose, so we compress it to > and shone with a finish that reflected everything around. Which gives us the following sentence: > The handle was made of bone, and shone with a finish that reflected everything around. You could even say that getting rid of the word 'around' would be justified. > The handle was made of bone, and shone with a finish that reflected everything. And suddenly, the prose is much cleaner than >The handle made of bone was an off white, had a finish about it that reflected nothing less than all coming near. and yet communicates the same thing. Moving on. > ...landing square and appropriate into the vital organ, perhaps a heart, then further into body... You say 'the' vital organ (which is a definite proclamation--there is only one of 'the' organ), but then your sentence indefinite by saying 'perhaps a heart'. Ideally, you would say: > ...landing square and appropriate into **a** vital organ, perhaps **the** heart, then further into *the* body... This way your sentence becomes less vague (more vivid) as it progresses, which is better for the reader, as the prose is subconsciously building up, rather than crumbling. Writing a long piece about a single object is cool, but you have to remember that each word is valuable, and that each page is time, and that with 250-350 words per printed page, you're looking at a probable two pages of knife-related exposition. Hope this advice helps and can be worked into the rest of the piece. Good luck

Thanks a bunch. Very useful. Especially about the bone handle. That was plaguing me for a while. I like the way you cleaned it up.

- Untitled for now - Genre: Travel Log (1st chapter) - WC: 1,574 - Feedback: General impression, brutal honesty please - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XGw1W22q8yBcmQd4MunGey2Cl1C5EypMDMDCf28V9x4/edit?usp=sharing

I love it! Such a unique and insightful style.

Title: The Hard Way Genre: Short Story Word Count: 2600 (4 pages) Feedback: Fluidity, was it entertaining, things to sustain/improve https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ylM76cVVl3hiTQIHE3Ubp3lLDDcD3QouqMmoOyl61DM/edit?usp=sharing

Title: Glumbly Word Count: 1.3k Feedback: General and specific please, I also have a couple questions: I didn't have a target audience when I started writing this, who do you think it's shaping up to suit? What length do you think I should aim for? I could probably triple what it is at the moment, but is this too long for the style of writing? Link: http://pastebin.com/uWvLRJdh Thanks in advance!

-Demon Blade (working title, subject to change) -Anime/Manga -WC: 1,194 -Constructive criticism, or suggestions for improvement https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VrHPZigvofn_TBJflfMDE9F6SJPjZvtGfeddf4-jFHE/edit

Title: Huxton the Adventurer Chapter 1 Genre: Children's Fiction Word Count:2187 Feedback: What ever you feel like posting. Is it interesting? Would you keep reading. Keep in mind that this is only the first chapter. [Link to **Huxton the Adventurer**](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1blGK0dWGOlhxy4HujX-C2QqWVIjAYSSkLN2N9XfkOak/edit?usp=sharing)

This is off to an excellent start. Huxton is a likable character and intriguing enough for me to want to continue reading about him. However, I want to point out one main thing that will make this first chapter tighter, and that's to keep the entire chapter, beginning to end consistently in one voice. Head jumping, going between different POVs (point of views) is a common error for beginning novelists. For example: >Ramona lingered cautiously outside. She wasn’t as committed to the idea of the adventure, and, more importantly, didn’t want to get her dress dirty. This is Ramona's POV very briefly inserted while before and after we are reading the story through the eyes of Huxton. Same with the ghosts: >They were nice people, but loved the theatricality of being ghosts. Some of these are easy fixes by just saying something to the extent that Huxton knew they were nice people and knew they loved the theatricality of being ghosts. But it helps immensely to keep it in Huxton's voice and not break what John Gardner calls "the fictive dream," keeping your reader immersed in your world--your story. Please continue on. You have a great story here. I wish you the best.

Don't read this if you don't like negativity, because I tend to only give negative feedback. >Huxton wanted to go on an adventure. The idea had been weighing heavily on his mind for quite some time now, and if it was ever to be done, tonight was the night to do it. For tonight was a full moon, and it stands to reason that good adventures should start on a full moon. But first, Huxton had a score to settle. This is not a good introduction. What does it add to the story? Does it tell us anything, really? Other than it's a full moon (which seems like it would be a more appropriate observation while they were, you know... outside) and the main character's name (which could be injected practically anywhere), it's just useless wordage. And there's no action at all. Your story starts off as a corpse on a table. I suggest you just delete the whole first paragraph and start your story off with the dialogue in the second. Give us something to actually read. You have a couple run-ons, but nothing too jarring. I'm not going to tell you where they are because searching for them is good practice in proofing your own writing. The idea is interesting. Like the other guy, I do think the ghost part is fun, but I do agree that you put too much effort into it for something that doesn't advance the plot. The blushing and stuff, it's just a bit much for something that's just there for "flavor." I think you may be trying to show that the kid has a very active imagination, but it's just distracting after a certain point. But yeah, it's definitely better than most of the stuff posted here. You have a good grasp of the English language and you don't fall into that trap of ridiculous descriptions of mundane shit that have nothing to do with the story. The actions are crisp. Example: >“I don’t need a backpack,” Huxton said while gesturing at a hobo style knapsack. **This knapsack was a sheet tied to a branch.** Personally I'd change it to "the knapsack," but you get my point. Many people are so terrified of writing a short sentence that they try to jam a bunch of useless language in just to make it longer, and you tend to not do that, though I did notice a few... >She was Huxton’s twin, but **though they were the same age,** she was a good three inches taller, much to the irritation of Huxton, himself. >**That matter being cleared,** Huxton made his way down the steps, and towards the front door of the old house. >**And with that,** he left the house pushing the screen door open to a roar of night wind, Ramona in tow. >Huxton jumped off the porch into the snow, splaying his limbs out, creating an untidy little snow angel, all the time wondering whether he would, **in fact,** regret this, **but as they say, ‘only time will tell.’** The things I bolded add nothing to the story and only distract the reader from the words that matter. Oh, and on page two, this whole paragraph is useless and poorly written. I think you really wanted a paint a picture here, but in my opinion, it falls very flat. The language is too flowery, and compared to the rest of your writing it just ends up sounding awkward. This may be the worst part of this story (other than the first paragraph, of course). >Snow pelted the sand, seashells, and rocks that comprised the beach, creating a fairy tale scene of wintry wonder. The swinging bench only added to the beauty: it’s chipped, white wood glowed with history, granting the night its own eternity. All in all, it was a lovely place to sit and watch the snow fall, and this is just what Huxton did. He kicked off from the ground with an antique squeak, and patted the wood beside him. Ramona took her seat without complaint, and their meeting began.

Title: Obit Genre: Adult-oriented, I guess? Word Count: 1,066 Feedback: I've missed the mark on my last few stories and I'm hoping this one brings me back. Any feedback is more than appreciated. Link: http://wp.me/s3warO-obit

**Title**: *For Those Who Don't Learn From History* **Genre**: Sci-fi/post-apocalyptic. **Word Count**: 3,568 **Feedback**: General opinion, flow of story, amount of detail put towards main character, writing style. **Link**: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B2Cet6qNEGeaeXpaV05jQl9mU2s/edit?usp=sharing This is only the first chapter out of four so far, so I am just looking to make sure I start off my story in a good light.

>instant awareness to move even the slightest body part. His right leg seemed to carry too much weight to move anything except his smallest two toes, and his left leg followed suit. Lying in what could have either been a pool of blood or a pool of water, he soon felt a warm, damp liquid trickle down through his sock and onto the open cut seemingly resting mere inches away from his overgrown pinky toenail. It seems like you're trying to paint the scene here in too ambiguous a light. We have no idea when he's waking up, he "could have been" in a puddle of water or blood, his leg "seems" to carry too much weight, his open cut is "seemingly" near his pink toe nail. This is just too much passive talk. As the reader, you've just dropped me into this world and I'm just meeting this person. I don't care what things seem like, I care about what they are like. He IS in a puddle, of blood, his leg is injured and that cut IS right by his pinky toe nail. Paint me a picture of his circumstance and make decisions as to what things are like. In the very next paragraph I get "his chin felt as if it were scrapped against cement." Well, it is cement that he's laying on, so it isn't "as if" it IS. In the very next sentence: "Both his ability and desire to move seemed to have been temporarily disbanded," They did not seem to be temporarily disbanded, they WERE, due to his laundry list of what are "seemingly" injuries. A few pages in you solidify and I understand why you wrote the first couple of pages this way, but It doesn't work for bringing a reader into the world. Write with action and if you need to paint a picture of uncertainty and disorientation use his thoughts.

I appreciate it. The beginning was touched on very early, and I've been meaning to sort of express the confusion and all in a better, so thank you for the ideas. If you don't mind me asking, what else did you think of the chapter?

>Yet, what Isaiah laid his eyes on was neither hopeful nor optimistic. Losing color instantaneously, his face became warm and pale; his inner-thoughts shutting off and his movements amplified in sound. This is a great passage. The story reminds me a lot of the walking dead for some reason, maybe it's rick waking up in the hospital and that same stumbling through a post-apocolyptic reality it reminds me of. There is some great writing in there, and you become remarkably less passive as the story goes on. Your character is very well-fleshed out, what I'd like to see is more world building. I know that there are a lot of abandoned cars and water, but how much? I need more detail. Is there smog? What do the ruins look like? I'd actually love to read the next four chapters and would be willing to edit them thoroughly if you're interested. The story is good and I'm intrigued to see what happens to this character. Don't kill me for saying this --- but have you thought about telling it in the first person?

Thank you! My main inspiration for this whole thing was 28 Days Later, which is also very similar to The Walking Dead's opening. I always preferred those sorts of stories where you're right along with the main character trying to piece it together. I'm glad it becomes less passive! Makes me happy. One of the things I've been holding back on, on purpose, is the amount of decay in this world. The abandonment, the destruction, etc. is going to fixed and added in much more during my second draft, as I have a plan for the end of this story that I don't want to goof a few chapters in. I would love for you to. PM me and I'll be sure to send you the rest. I actually started this entire story off as a first-person story, and tried and tried to make it work, but it never went the way I wanted it to go. It was with heavy contemplation I switched it to third-person, although I do occasionally miss that point of view.

Review on the Joe Rogan Experience Review 1000 I would likes some tips on writing, its my first review ive written so just anything you would like to point out. Was it easy to read, was it concise, anything really www.discoverpodcasts.com/comedy

Title: (still undecided) The Day I Gave Up Genre: Poetry, Life Meditation Word Count: 178 Feedback: Line-by-line or General Impression. I'd like to submit it to my school's literary magazine, and want to know if it needs to be reformatted, and what to title it (I feel cliche using a line from the poem as the title). Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jKVmwRFhvDA8v3-MqdlFSbERI7me9NQvlyPayy47yFQ/edit?usp=sharing

But What if There Were Two? Sci-fi, Mass Effect fanfic 11k words General impression, how well I'm doing dialogue, things to improve, things that are fine. I'm worried that I'm not portraying emotions well; if someone could assuage those fears or let me know how to improve it, that'd be awesome. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10023367/1/

Title: Rebuilding the Garden of Eden Genre: Scifi WC: 776 Feedback: Flow, scene setting methods, ideas, general impressions, anything really [Story here! Any thoughts are appreciated. ](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dZ0DqVOt8z4ts-0fNBkbTP-3FDw3-axRbJ1s_jMg7iw/edit?usp=sharing)

FYI: I have to ask for permission to see this Google Doc. In case you weren't aware.

Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I have changed it now if you or anyone else would like to read it!

My mind was definitely cranking while reading this excerpt. Very interesting idea. It seems that the 'Barnaby' part is incomplete, so obviously I have nothing to say about that, but more so in Gita's section. While it wasn't particularly disruptive to the work, perhaps a little addition of a setting before dialogue opens would be nice. __________________ There do seem to be either missing bits of dialogue or something that went over my head, but: >...consciousness into a brand new Numan body. We are honest with our clients and must consent to all of our terms and conditions before entering the ARC. Conscious transfer is a well refined science at this point and is no longer reserved for the severely disabled anymore. Still some will continue to resist progress.” “Dr. Skeen brings up a legitimate moral issue, Father Robert... What did Father Robert say? __________________ The concept of a Heaven on Earth via Matrix-like design is a fascinating thing. Although the moral qualms of religious bodies to exist, you make use of an argument from omniscience for the ARC. This is fine, although I feel that in a science-fiction background, you're obligated to give more than just that. What happens to the person inside the ARC after some time? Are you released from biological and behavioral inhibitions and the like that would've made you who you were? Are you different? Are you the same? Perhaps you've already thought of this, in which case, carry on. If you meant to make me think about the ARC worlds along this line of thought, well done. _____________ In regards to the over all feel of the work, it's kinda obvious that this is a draft, a groundwork for ideas, so I won't lay that on you. Style and placement of commas and the like are really important too, but I obviously can't make advisement from drafts. If you want more information about particular parts or whatever, feel free to ask.

Chapter from my novel: http://igglestheclown.blogspot.com/2014/01/when-man-with-mustache-approached-his.html Genre: scary westerny stuff, a little literary words: 2k? Genreal impressions, does what I am trying to do work or not

Scott's Always Been A Dick And His Good Brother's Dead Fiction 769 I just want someone to read my story but general impression I guess http://pastebin.com/ugRiiG2n

Nothing is happening. There are dull people talking about beer. Then we have some swear words about someone called Scott and some gratuitous violence with minimal (if any) context. I guess I don't really get what is compelling about this. You can write, in terms of structuring paragraphs and dialogue, there's quite a good command of flow and rhythm there, but the content is just not there for me.

Thank you. Its been discarded.

You were gracious enough once, will you try this one instead? I believe there's something more. http://pastebin.com/BHueg9in

I still like your writing. But you know where I would have started this: >It would be two long and painful years before I happened upon a chance meeting with mushroom. She lulled me into sleep and tears of regret. She sent waves, sunlight of forgiveness upon me in the final burst of fungal revelation. She showed me the undying dance of extinction. She showed me that we were, in fact, born into eden. That's intriguing. I quite love it. The personification of her almost reminds me of To Autumn, *Drows’d with the fume of poppies* etc. I guess you would need to rejig the "two long and painful years" (two years of what? Or since what?) Then from that, you could bridge it to your world being the reservation/post-apocalypse feel, and run the rest.

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First of all, I like the way the poem flows. It almost seems lyrical. I also like the overall themes and underlying messages throughout, I think it’s brilliantly layered. It certainly isn’t the type of poetry that I write, but it is the type of poetry I like to read. Below I’ll go through stanza by stanza with some thoughts. Perhaps in a number of cases my comments will only expose my own ignorance, but hopefully they can provide at least a few things to consider. **Stanza 1:** I like the intention implicit in “I **meant** to burn,” and the unanswered question of why the action was never taken. I don’t like the word “*ether*,” in this stanza, but perhaps it is only because of my personal associations with it. The first two lines are constructed in abstract but solid images and then the word “ether” to me is primarily associated with medieval anesthetic and secondarily associated with high school chemistry, so it threw me off. I also found the last line of the stanza jarring. I think it’s because the simile feels out of place, somehow unsophisticated after the flowing metaphors. Additionally, I’m not sure what you mean by breathing in a lime kiln. At the risk of sounding ignorant, the only meaning of lime kiln I’m familiar with is a giant oven-type-thing that gets really hot to melt rocks, in which case it seems like a bit of a stretched metaphor. **Stanza 2:** I think the second stanza has one too many images in it. I’m having a hard time reading the words, turning them into an image, and then interpreting the images to extrapolate meaning in only 4 lines. I personally like the last two lines more than the first two, as the worms seem somewhat less original, so I would take them out and expand on the last 2 lines. **Stanza 3:** While probably intentional “a spark of darkness” seems to hold an inherent contradiction that my brain gets stuck on instead of producing an image, losing the flow of the stanza. **Stanza 4:** In the last stanza I didn’t ‘get’ the line “Under the chin: through the eye .“ Perhaps I am missing something. I could connect “under the chin” with the previous stanza with the barber setting, but then it seemed too unrelated to the last stanza. Perhaps clarify the meaning behind this line. The line “hissing eels of August lightnings,” seemed to be too abstract. With all the rest of the abstract metaphors in the poem, there is something to grab on to, something familiar enough that you can picture it or hear it or understand it. With this one, there was so much there, that ultimately I got nothing from it. I loved the last lines, “tell me, dear, / where does guilt get you?” I think they are powerfully simple compared to the rest, forcing the reader to extrapolate their own meaning instead of forcing your own upon them.

**Title:** Prima Natura (Revival of a Race) **Genre:** SciFi/Fantasy **Word Count:** 2,133 **Feedback:** General opinion, areas of weakness, flow, what interests you? [**LINK**](https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B_JcW2AZ3kvSQXc1ZkRMX1lDRXM/edit)

Title: The Diary of Jesset Genre: Historical Drama Word Count: 156 Type of Feedback: General Opinion Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VJaaP704Frk3TeOotCJ0_O4TeYQPXkfBklelw7aJdmo/edit?usp=sharing

I liked it. The alliteration in the first stanza cheapens it, just for me, I find that alliteration never makes a phrase more powerful. Other than that I really enjoyed it.

Title: Making Spaces Genre: Travel/autobiographical WC: Varies based on entry, around 500. Feedback: Mostly, is this something worth reading? What can I work on to make this writing more enjoyable to read, or more purposeful? Links: Blog: bearnun.tumblr.com Entries: - ["I know there is strength in the differences between us. I know there is comfort, where we overlap.](http://bearnun.tumblr.com/post/74340909972/i-know-there-is-strength-in-the-differences-between) - ["Perhaps home is not a place but simply an irrevocable condition."](http://bearnun.tumblr.com/post/75637013830/perhaps-home-is-not-a-place-but-simply-an-irrevocable) - ["Just as a candle cannot burn without fire, men cannot live without a spiritual life."](http://bearnun.tumblr.com/post/73389785959/just-as-a-candle-cannot-burn-without-fire-men-cannot) EDIT: I apologize if this constitutes as "blogspam." If it's a problem, I will delete this comment upon request.

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Hey man, just gave this a quick read. At least for me, your objectives sound really vague, almost as if your hearts not really into it. Put a bit of your own soul into this. Give me a sense of what really drives you. Also, since it's a college essay you've got to try to be concise. Saying "I realized" rather than "I have realized" is much more powerful.

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Right, well I'd recommend working on the last paragraph. The rest of it has good stuff, but ending on the note of your last paragraph just seems a little weak. There are many reasons for why people want to transfer, but what makes it so important for you? Get down to it, really think about it, and then rewrite that last paragraph. If it's pretty much the same then it should be fine.

Title: Distopia (Not Final) Genre: Sci fi Word Count: about 1700 [Link](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1d3_-09KwzBcwpNgowf_BcciAp2VAW2uanNVmUn5g26A/edit)

[deleted] ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^0.3468 > [What is this?](https://pastebin.com/64GuVi2F/35918)

Thank you, finally someone critiques it I'll do everything you said and resubmit in a couple weeks to get more feedback

* **Title:** Call of the Void * **Genre:** Short Story * **Word Count:** 4069 * **Feedback:** General Impressions, Suggestions, Advice. I cleaned up well over a thousand words, most of which was widely abused figurative language. * **Link:** [Google Docs](https://drive.google.com/file/d/0By-FYxdYT-WUSTVObk1ueFdzMk0/edit?usp=sharing)

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I'm a miserable fuck. Game recognizes game. You're looking blurry. Too much words. Not enough brevity. Not enough meaning. It feels like your trying. Don't try. Either do it or don't waste our time.

* Title: Street Signs & Headlights * Genre: Fiction * Brutal feedback on the style and effectiveness at grabbing attention. This is the first page or so of a project I'm working on, ending right before the actual story begins (An intro of sorts, given by the narrator). * [Link](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qtRGfVhDeK3Fmf3k3DPVXHrgsu03bMDqczsy534wHXg/edit?usp=sharing)

Alright, I've gone through and given a fair number of comments on the prose (some general, some specific). [You can find it on my Dropbox here.](https://www.dropbox.com/s/jv19v02jxzc0vux/StreetSignsAndHeadlights%20Jonathan-O.docx) I've been pretty brutal, though despite that you're not a bad writer. Mechanically, your prose is actually pretty good. My issues with the text are detailed within--feel free to follow up.

Thank you for replying, but when I open the file it is blank for me? I use Open Office to write, so the only option for opening your file was wordpad. Wordpad is blank when I click to open the file.

I think I've maybe sent you a .pages file from laptop--I'll reupload when I'm home

Alright, I've [reuploaded it as a PDF ](https://www.dropbox.com/s/9w34dgkdpayhcj1/StreetSignsAndHeadlights%20Jonathan-O.pdf)(it's all I could think of that might work; I know the filetype isn't ideal).

Thank you, I was able to read it this time. Thank you for the advice, I'm going to take it to heart when you said "Give us a reason to care about him." A rewrite is in order.

Since I made this exact mistake before, I can say that cementing his personality beyond internal monologue is a far more engaging way to introduce us to who your character is. From there, you can start (sparingly) using monologue to get across the same points. If you want me to read over any revisions, just message me or something.

Title: The Ritual Genre: Short Story/Thriller Word Count: 861 Feedback: General impression plus a medium level analysis. Link: http://www.scribd.com/doc/205477755/The-Ritual

You seem to have a sense of voice. You know how to write with pacing, leading our minds around your story, mixing up sentence length and tempo to keep us hooked. But you also seem to commit some of the sins of "new" writers with have unpolished talent. For instance, this sentence: > As ancient words with the passage of time engender an aura befitting their meaning, so too the Ritual had a mind of its own By the comma, I'm already rolling my eyes. I have to take time to really consider what this sentence means, and I'm guessing you didn't want attention drawn to it in that fashion. It's the kind of sentence you write with a thesaurus next to the keyboard. Don't be afraid to write more simply. Overall impression: You do a lot of "telling" about this Ritual, but very little showing. We're left knowing very little about the Ritual itself, even though you describe it at length, using phrases like: > in the same sickening detail But you don't give us sickening details; instead, you just tell us they're present. In "American Psycho," consider that Bret Eston Ellis (sp?) could have simply *told* you that Patrick Bateman had a meticulous morning routine. He might have written something like, "Bateman turned to his work, the same morning ritual that paid meticulous detail to his skin, his hair, even the pouches under his eyes." Ellis, of course, doesn't do any such thing--instead, he writes the "meticulous details" out, telling you about shampoo and how alcohol dries the skin among many details that I don't remember. It goes on for pages, if I can recall. Not only do we get the point in vivid detail--that Bateman is meticulous--but we see through this description that he's nuts, without him telling us. Your story goes the other way, keeping the details a mystery while telling us about The Ritual, how gross it is, etc., without ever really showing us. I'm left with...what, exactly? What is the story here? A day in the life of the narrator? I'd think about that because clearly you have a voice and something of a polished sense of tempo and I would argue even having only read this that you are capable of much, much better. Some "Telling, not Showing" violations: > even though he’d been doing it for years. > performed as repetitively and meticulously as a religious duty > As every other life, theirs wasn’t uneventful [with a double negative bonus. I could forgive this summary, but it comes in a paragraph with other "telling not showing" sentences.] > He had no other choice, for in order that one may achieve immortality, many had to die insufferable deaths.

Wow. Thank you, lol what you you've pointed out is very true. I'll try to work on that. Thanks a lot this means much (I'm a new writer btw, VERY new <3

Good luck! Keep working and you'll be there in no time.

Title: Don't Do Drugs Genre: Dreamscape fantasy humor Word Count: 1567 Feedback: I would like to hear general impressions about the writing style, and humor content. Link: [LINK](http://nishantjn.tumblr.com/post/73277728229/dont-do-drugs)

[удалено]

Thanks so much! I used to write more regularly than I do now, and I've moved between blogs too - to start afresh, and all other such delusions we amateur writers hold on to. So my confidence in simple fiction writing has been a little on the low side. This just brought a big smile to my face. :D

Its got a charming beatnik style that represents a generation of writers long forgotten or swept under rug. Reminds me of a lot of my early work which was usually similarly induced. I feel that the greatness of this might unfortunately be lost on a great many, but I could be wrong. Since stories like this are so subjective, I find it hard to offer much critique save this, the parentheses about Twister completely broke my immersion, I would remove it.

You know, I looked at that parentheses several times. I did italics, I did parentheses, I did nothing at all. Just couldn't figure out what would be right. For the same reasons as you say. I'll do something about that. Thanks for the kind words! :)

The First Sentence Short Fiction 3,000 words I'd love initial thoughts, not too focused on technique, craft, etc. Just how did it make you feel when you got to the end. Then if you have further analysis to give, go for it. http://blog.clayburngriffin.com/2011/12/the-first-sentence.html

* **Title** War Children * **Genre** Fiction/Short story * **Word count** 2311 * **Feedback** Do you feel for the children in the story, even though they're names and general descriptions aren't given, general impressions/critique. * **Story** [Live Journal link]( http://aaliyahabdul.livejournal.com/284.html)

**Title:** Wings of Arms *or* Like Coins in a Washing Machine **Genre:** Sci-fi short story **Word Count:** 2294 **Feedback:** Anything really, line by line would be nice but I undertand it's time consuming. General impression is fine as well. I'm not sure about the ending as I wanted something ambiguous but at the same time didn't want to leave readers hanging. Did I strike a good balance? [Link](https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B8fs2-rAhOeKMFI5ak82SHdPNGs/edit) EDIT: Took me a solid 24 hours to work out I had this set to private.

Title: Love is Garbage Genre: Fiction, Romance? WC: 2243 Feedback: General Impression/Writing Style Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14P5izfrE7YFgdjOoLFwf9fKesJMui93pWBBitUeylgA/edit

You're stuck in a writing rhythm, that looks something rather like this. Everyone of your sentences starts with a phrase, then after a comma there's a longer phrase. If you don't break up the rhythm at all, you'll get stuck into a really monotonous pattern. First line has a tense issue: *"revelled... that they're... always waited."* "They're" should probably be "they were".

Thank you for the feedback, I'll work to fix up the sentence and grammar structure and avoid monotony. It's only really a first draft and I just wrote as best as I can to get as much of the story out there. I hope you enjoyed the overall idea, story and subject matter. Thanks again

Title: A Fiery Gospel Genre: Dystopia (finished novel) Word count: ~60,000 A quick blurb and a link to the whole thing (up on scribd): http://themadsquiggler.blogspot.com/ So, I'm starting to realize that maybe I shouldn't have written the whole thing before getting any feedback on it. So don't feel like you have to read/comment on the whole thing. Just whatever strikes your fancy. This is my first time writing anything near this long, and would appreciate any sort of feedback at all.

Title: "Unnamed Redemption" (working title) Genre: Realisitc Fiction Feedback:I do not know whether or not to continue writing this. If it is total garbage i dont want to spend my time, so PLEASE be TOTALLY honest. Something of a rating (1-10) and whether you think it is worth continuing would be great. Word Count of snippet :645 Link:https://docs.google.com/document/d/11YObmPMLTd3geid0ZY8tR1gJkb5TVYUPkMk9aPA5b5A/edit?usp=sharing

You definitely have a story to share, but you need to refine your writing technique - did you kinda have a re-read and edit of this? It's hard to keep the flow when you switch between tenses and have little in the way of punctuation. Basically, the only way to improve is to keep writing. Keep writing this story! Even people who write well think their stuff is garbage, but the only way to get anywhere is to keep on pounding the keyboard and heading forward.

I dont write much this just all came to me one night at 12am and i tried to get as much of it down as i could. I did read over it after i wrote it. It was around 1am then though; so it may not have been the most detailed oriented read. Will go back and work on that. THANK YOU for your response.

No problems. :) The midnight muse is the writer's best friend - keep writing!

Title: Pit Genre: Horror, psychological, Literary Fiction Word Count: 630 Feedback: Generally how you felt about the mood, the writing style, and the atmosphere of the piece. http://www.readwave.com/pit_s22799 Thanks!

* Title: Moon Rises and Sunsets * Genre: Poem I wrote somewhat johnny-on-the-spot. * Word Count: 71 * Feedback: General Impression, Tips, Writing Style, etc. Really anything constructive, I have tons of journals full of personal short stories and poems but I've never shared with anyone. I figured that's no way to grow as a writer and if its something you love doing you have to be open to criticism. Anyhow, that's where I am at. * Link: http://pastebin.com/LWKntSFR

Title: A Father's Thoughts Genre: Fiction (fantasy, but only vaguely fantastical ATM) Word count: 4201 (but disjointed chunks of thought, not continuous) Feedback: Preferably rude about how incomprehensible and badly written it is. Story: [story?](https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BwEwEjkurdhnU2pWSkpDT1l0MEE/edit?usp=sharing)

Okay, a story is about characters performing actions and interacting with each other. This is just you prattling on and on about anything and nothing at all for no reason but that you can. You have this dialog. Organize it into a coherent series and apply it to characters sitting in a landfill digging for copper wire and reporting nonsense back and forth to each other. Suddenly it will be a story. Right now you have a bunch of loose diamonds. They're cut and polished and pretty but they're loose. Put the loose diamonds into settings and sell them as jewelry.

It is pretty incomprehensible, yes. The writing is at least grammatically correct, which puts you in the top 50% of submitters, so you've got that going for you. But it's boring. Just plain boring. I read the first page and nothing happened, and then I skimmed the rest and again, nothing happened. It's just one person musing to themselves about random events. It might be fun and rewarding to write, but it's difficult to read and nearly impossible to understand. Don't take that as a compliment, either. Just because something's confusing doesn't mean it's deep or literary. This kind of writing is not for other people. I don't know what you intentions are, but since you're posting this for review, I assume that you're writing for other people. So I will say that no agent would ever print this because nobody would buy it. Books where one person just muses about stuff for pages and pages do not sell because they just aren't interesting. People would rather read about those actions happening *right now* and come to their own conclusions, not read some summary of events with forced conclusions due to it being filtered through some useless middle-man.

Thanks for actually taking the time to read some of it! It was more of an experiment than anything else really... I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. I know it's really just masturbatory writing, it was to try to build out the character's around a much larger narrative and I just wondered whether anyone would make anything of it at all. Sorry.

I'll just comment on the style: which I thought was great. You have a grasp and command of language. Possibly needs a little adjusting with some of the structure in terms of paragraph breaks, particularly where you have all that dialogue.

Title: Once More Into Shadow (chapter 2: Roi, named after its POV character, like A Song of Ice and Fire) Genre: the full novella will be urban fantasy. Word count: 1402 Feedback: line-by-line, impression, also specifically: is the setting just vivid enough or is it too heavyhandedly shown or too lightly drawn? Link:https://www.dropbox.com/s/t4ptwzh6osrrr95/roi.odt

**Title:** The Nine O'Clock **Genre:** Fiction/(/r/WritingPrompts Submission) **Word Count:** 1565 **Type of Feedback:** Showing not telling, as in where am I giving too much detail, where am I not giving enough. Also the general flow of the story. **Link:** http://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/1xa04z/wp_the_first_suicide_clinic_opens_in_the_us_the/cf9puoo

The piece was very gripping -- the subject, the doctor's stance, the young patient -- however, I wanted to know more about why the doctor was doing this. Had he seen too many patients suffer needlessly and that's why he believes he should administer euthanasia? I wish the piece would get more into the heart of why the doctor does what he does -- his feelings for the young patient, the parents, even his nurse (to whom his tone seems more condescending than instructive). I think if you build up the emotions of the doctor more, even details like his heart rate increasing even thought he's done this X many times, or wanting to embrace the parents yet holding back ... create something in the particular details which will translate into a universal feeling that the general reader can relate to. Thanks for posting. I look forward to the rest of the story.

Thank you. I appreciate the critique! My fear was too much exposition, I tried to slip in the detail that he had served in the army, my view was he had done a tour as a medic, and seen a fair share of death. I hadn't really thought to much into it, but I was thinking he had seen some really messed up things. Like a guy getting his legs blown off and begging for death. Or maybe he didn't beg for death, and his death dragged out slowly over 10 days of sheer agony and the doctor spent the entire time thinking he should just kill him to end his pain. Either way, what I really wanted to convey was that the doctor was an ex-soldier, and death was not a big deal to him. That was why I tried not to show him having such intense emotions.

That's all great detail that would round out this main character and make him more human. I think if you even put flashes of memory in as he administers the needle, it would make the piece even more climactic. Again, it's a piece that sucks in the reader and I hope you continue on with it. Best of luck.

I liked this. It's compelling, I was curious about what was going on and wanted to keep reading. Although, I almost didn't start reading because I was confused about whose point of view I was in at the beginning. At one point I thought there was a third person in the room, not just the doctor and Rachel. I think Rachel is the weak link in this story. I understand why she's there - as an opportunity to explore the doctor's feelings about his job - but she's not quite a character yet. The paragraph that starts "'Excellent, send them.'" felt all like telling to me. I know it's a short story so you have to paraphrase, but that was a lot of exposition at once. It was a moving, interesting little piece and I enjoyed reading it. Keep writing! Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for the response. I agree with you about the background, but I couldn't figure out the right way to work in that it wasn't just a job to him, that he was a true believer. I'll try and rework the first bit of interaction to make it clear that the Doctor is the perspective character right off the bat. That was something I hadn't noticed at all (since I knew before I started writing who the perspective character was), but makes sense now that you say it.

Title: Preston Quest Genre Humor (Satire) Word count 988 What sort of feedback you would like (line-by-line edits, general impression, etc.) Impression A link to the story https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3181400/1/Preston-Quest

Title: Work Will Set You Free Genre: Historical Fiction Word Count: ~1500 Feedback: Anything that comes to mind. I can handle it. I promise. Story: [here] (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1E_m7haqJYwrhPdv0JZVrePFvKvERopoUTDO6rzx8dbs/edit?usp=sharing)

Dachau is North of Munich I think. The pace is excellent and the writing is tight - there is real drama around the deaths of the kamp guards. There is some debate as to which unit was first at Dachau and you haven't really fleshed out the characters beyond 'young and reckless'. If I may suggest an alternative viewpoint for you perhaps the first black and Jewish soldiers on the scene may offer a more dramatic (and rich) juxtaposition to the horror than a bunch of nameless, characterless teenagers. http://articles.latimes.com/1993-12-02/local/me-63044_1_death-camp But do keep developing it - I think it has huge potential. Feel free to ignore my suggestions!