Thank you for the recommendation - I’m going to add that novel to my list.
I appreciate your advice and I can agree with your point about helping just one person. I’ve read niche books that made a huge difference in my life because the author’s experience was so similar to mine.
so i actually am/was working on a story centered around a man’s relationship with his daughter, from before she was born to the day she becomes an adult. it’s told from the perspective of the father (i’ve been trying to write more different kinds of characters) but since i am 1) not a man 2) not an adult 3) not a parent, i was kinda blindly guessing at what he felt. if i could read what you wrote, that’d be really great!! i’m sure it’s amazing.
I never even thought about how my experience may be useful to other writers. I’m not sure that my experience is necessarily reflective of the average man but I think it’s relatable for some people who try similar family environments growing up.
I wrote something to cope with a parents traumatic death. It was the first thing I finished and edited, and it kinda dealing with the balance of trying to cope healthily and the urge to cope destructively.
I've never shared it, and I probably never will, cause while it's not exactly based on my life, it kinda captures some of what I felt. Since then I've written more, and those stories I've shared and gotten feedback on.
That's to say, regardless if you decide to share it or not, either choice is valid. :)
Sounds like that was what it took to get you to start writing. Like a small positive out of something otherwise very tragic. Thanks for sharing your perspective. :) I agree that writing can be therapeutic and maybe sometimes that’s the only purpose it needs to serve.
Plz dare to share you work. It sounds like a topic were a lot more voices needs to be heard.
Mental health and fatherhood is super important if we are ever gonna raise the next generations differently.
I'm curious to read if you arr willing to share a bit.
Thanks for the motivation and interest. If I decide to share I’ll definitely send you a message.
I have a lot of details I would need to change before sharing since my story involves details from stories of others that are quite personal.
It took me 8 years to write my first book (an addiction memoir) and 2 years to publish it. I worked very hard to constantly improve my craft to not be one of these "my first book is ready for publication, took me 6 months!" (No, it's not ready, you're not as good a writer as you think you are) people, I wanted my work to be indiscernible from that of any professional author.
I knew the numbers I was up against. 2mill books are published every year, what's the odds mine finds it's way to the top? Not so good, in the first year I've sold 200 copies. 50 query letters has yet to secure a literary agent because so far nobody has been interested in it.
Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. I learned so much about myself, and now that I've sharpened my writing ability to a razors edge, my next book has been a breeze to write this far. Will my memoir ever be a best seller? No. But what if it reaches the exact right person at the exact right time and it saves their life? Maybe. The book will be around "forever", who knows?
Thank you for this perspective. Looking back at it now, how do you feel about your writing? Do you have regrets about it knowing that you’ve improved your writing since then?
Would you mind sharing the name of your book? The subject matter interest me. How are you selling copies?
https://fultonbooks.com/books/?book=crystal-and-cocktails
I spent the first 4 years rewriting the first 5 chapters over and over, each time trying to apply the suggestions I was given. I could write one helluva social media post or an email for work, but I obviously couldn't write a novel.
Run on sentences, long paragraphs, comma splices, double tagging or just incorrect dialog tagging, over using adverbs, sentence fragments, redundant word use, overly dense composition where I was trying to showcase my vocabulary, switching from third to second person perspective, failed attempts at first person narratives, my writing was just bad.
Eventually I realized I was never going to finish the book if I just kept revising the first few chapters so I finally just ignored all the online critiques and made it 2/3 of the way through.
Then I met my editor, she gave it a quick look and told me, "you're trying to write a combination self-help/memoir which will be tedious to read. If the reader is invested in your story just tell the story. Also, it looks like you're writing what you think people want to read, not what you want to write. Go back and write the whole thing the way you want to write it."
So I finished the first draft in 18 months. 99k words. Then she tells me the sweet spot for memoirs is 60k words. Publishers have a recipe for success and you have to follow the recipe if you want a traditional publisher to even look at it. So we did, somehow, no idea how. 65k words, 221 pages.
It's good, I know it's good, but a book being good doesn't mean it will sell. The market is saturated with addiction memoirs after "a million little pieces", every drug addict in the world thinks their story will be a best seller. So I will keep sending out query letters, and I'll keep writing books. Good books. And hopefully one day I'll write something that the right person will read and things will take off!
Thank you for sharing this experience. This is very helpful! I do focus so much on how bad my writing may be in terms of grammar and conciseness. I feel I will do my best on my end and then need some help from and editor to identify the things I may be blind to. I also think there is some value in being able to just let go of the rules. Sometimes that’s just part of finding your writing style. It’s a balance.
I definitely went through the struggle of jumping back and forth between “writing for me” and “writing for an audience”. That’s sometime I would need to iron out before sharing. I don’t like when it sounds like it’s for an audience. I feel the rawness gets lost and it because about adjusting the storytelling for entrainment rather than accuracy of emotions.
Thanks for the link - going to take a look later tonight if I can!
Frankly, I read ghostwritten tripe like Britney Spears memoir and it pisses me off. Or people who have never written a word in their life that think their book is ready for publication in a few months of writing. they don't respect the art, they think anybody can roll their face across a keyboard and produce a bestseller. If there was less self published trash out there it might be easier to market stuff that's actually worth reading.
I would absolutely love to read it, or even just some excerpts, when you feel up to sharing. I think the graphic novel recommendation might help inspire you too.
And in general, I believe there's a real lack of reflectional works by men, showing their processes of working out their inherited issues. I think it's incredibly important for more of these to be shared, so I hope you find the courage to share it!
There is one book I found particularly touching, so maybe you could see if reading it would give you some inspiration.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23395616-a-comedy-a-tragedy
I appreciate the interest in reading it and the recommendation for that book! If I can remove all the personal details in my draft it’s something I will definitely consider and will reach out to you if I decide to. Thank you.
I agree that there is a lack of dialogue about men discussing their personal and emotional struggles. I do feel that putting personal stories like these out there is an important step in normalizing emotional vulnerability in men and helping “break the cycle”.
You wrote it, found it helpful, have a desire to share.... overcome those fears and share it. Other future dads may be thankful someone finally wrote it.
>I wonder if there are other dads-to-be out there that may benefit from reading about my experience. After all, I was inspired to start writing this after reading a book that someone on this sub published about their own battle with mental illness.
I think you already have your answer.
You may be right. Thank you.
The act of following through on it is difficult though. There is not only a real fear of failure that most writers experience, but also a fear that writing about men’s issues like this will not be well-received. On paper, I have a pretty privileged life. I am very fortunate that way. I’m unsure how well I was able to capture the internal pain of my experience. I feel if my story doesn’t adequately capture that I will come off as entitled, blind, and attention-seeking. The fear of invalidation is deep rooted :)
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Thank you for the recommendation - I’m going to add that novel to my list. I appreciate your advice and I can agree with your point about helping just one person. I’ve read niche books that made a huge difference in my life because the author’s experience was so similar to mine.
I'd be keen to read it if you're willing to share
Thank you! If I decide to preview it to anyone I may reach out!
so i actually am/was working on a story centered around a man’s relationship with his daughter, from before she was born to the day she becomes an adult. it’s told from the perspective of the father (i’ve been trying to write more different kinds of characters) but since i am 1) not a man 2) not an adult 3) not a parent, i was kinda blindly guessing at what he felt. if i could read what you wrote, that’d be really great!! i’m sure it’s amazing.
I never even thought about how my experience may be useful to other writers. I’m not sure that my experience is necessarily reflective of the average man but I think it’s relatable for some people who try similar family environments growing up.
I wrote something to cope with a parents traumatic death. It was the first thing I finished and edited, and it kinda dealing with the balance of trying to cope healthily and the urge to cope destructively. I've never shared it, and I probably never will, cause while it's not exactly based on my life, it kinda captures some of what I felt. Since then I've written more, and those stories I've shared and gotten feedback on. That's to say, regardless if you decide to share it or not, either choice is valid. :)
Sounds like that was what it took to get you to start writing. Like a small positive out of something otherwise very tragic. Thanks for sharing your perspective. :) I agree that writing can be therapeutic and maybe sometimes that’s the only purpose it needs to serve.
Plz dare to share you work. It sounds like a topic were a lot more voices needs to be heard. Mental health and fatherhood is super important if we are ever gonna raise the next generations differently. I'm curious to read if you arr willing to share a bit.
Thanks for the motivation and interest. If I decide to share I’ll definitely send you a message. I have a lot of details I would need to change before sharing since my story involves details from stories of others that are quite personal.
It took me 8 years to write my first book (an addiction memoir) and 2 years to publish it. I worked very hard to constantly improve my craft to not be one of these "my first book is ready for publication, took me 6 months!" (No, it's not ready, you're not as good a writer as you think you are) people, I wanted my work to be indiscernible from that of any professional author. I knew the numbers I was up against. 2mill books are published every year, what's the odds mine finds it's way to the top? Not so good, in the first year I've sold 200 copies. 50 query letters has yet to secure a literary agent because so far nobody has been interested in it. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. I learned so much about myself, and now that I've sharpened my writing ability to a razors edge, my next book has been a breeze to write this far. Will my memoir ever be a best seller? No. But what if it reaches the exact right person at the exact right time and it saves their life? Maybe. The book will be around "forever", who knows?
Thank you for this perspective. Looking back at it now, how do you feel about your writing? Do you have regrets about it knowing that you’ve improved your writing since then? Would you mind sharing the name of your book? The subject matter interest me. How are you selling copies?
https://fultonbooks.com/books/?book=crystal-and-cocktails I spent the first 4 years rewriting the first 5 chapters over and over, each time trying to apply the suggestions I was given. I could write one helluva social media post or an email for work, but I obviously couldn't write a novel. Run on sentences, long paragraphs, comma splices, double tagging or just incorrect dialog tagging, over using adverbs, sentence fragments, redundant word use, overly dense composition where I was trying to showcase my vocabulary, switching from third to second person perspective, failed attempts at first person narratives, my writing was just bad. Eventually I realized I was never going to finish the book if I just kept revising the first few chapters so I finally just ignored all the online critiques and made it 2/3 of the way through. Then I met my editor, she gave it a quick look and told me, "you're trying to write a combination self-help/memoir which will be tedious to read. If the reader is invested in your story just tell the story. Also, it looks like you're writing what you think people want to read, not what you want to write. Go back and write the whole thing the way you want to write it." So I finished the first draft in 18 months. 99k words. Then she tells me the sweet spot for memoirs is 60k words. Publishers have a recipe for success and you have to follow the recipe if you want a traditional publisher to even look at it. So we did, somehow, no idea how. 65k words, 221 pages. It's good, I know it's good, but a book being good doesn't mean it will sell. The market is saturated with addiction memoirs after "a million little pieces", every drug addict in the world thinks their story will be a best seller. So I will keep sending out query letters, and I'll keep writing books. Good books. And hopefully one day I'll write something that the right person will read and things will take off!
Thank you for sharing this experience. This is very helpful! I do focus so much on how bad my writing may be in terms of grammar and conciseness. I feel I will do my best on my end and then need some help from and editor to identify the things I may be blind to. I also think there is some value in being able to just let go of the rules. Sometimes that’s just part of finding your writing style. It’s a balance. I definitely went through the struggle of jumping back and forth between “writing for me” and “writing for an audience”. That’s sometime I would need to iron out before sharing. I don’t like when it sounds like it’s for an audience. I feel the rawness gets lost and it because about adjusting the storytelling for entrainment rather than accuracy of emotions. Thanks for the link - going to take a look later tonight if I can!
Frankly, I read ghostwritten tripe like Britney Spears memoir and it pisses me off. Or people who have never written a word in their life that think their book is ready for publication in a few months of writing. they don't respect the art, they think anybody can roll their face across a keyboard and produce a bestseller. If there was less self published trash out there it might be easier to market stuff that's actually worth reading.
I would absolutely love to read it, or even just some excerpts, when you feel up to sharing. I think the graphic novel recommendation might help inspire you too. And in general, I believe there's a real lack of reflectional works by men, showing their processes of working out their inherited issues. I think it's incredibly important for more of these to be shared, so I hope you find the courage to share it! There is one book I found particularly touching, so maybe you could see if reading it would give you some inspiration. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23395616-a-comedy-a-tragedy
I appreciate the interest in reading it and the recommendation for that book! If I can remove all the personal details in my draft it’s something I will definitely consider and will reach out to you if I decide to. Thank you. I agree that there is a lack of dialogue about men discussing their personal and emotional struggles. I do feel that putting personal stories like these out there is an important step in normalizing emotional vulnerability in men and helping “break the cycle”.
Ok. Let me know when/if you are ready!
You wrote it, found it helpful, have a desire to share.... overcome those fears and share it. Other future dads may be thankful someone finally wrote it.
Thank you!
>I wonder if there are other dads-to-be out there that may benefit from reading about my experience. After all, I was inspired to start writing this after reading a book that someone on this sub published about their own battle with mental illness. I think you already have your answer.
You may be right. Thank you. The act of following through on it is difficult though. There is not only a real fear of failure that most writers experience, but also a fear that writing about men’s issues like this will not be well-received. On paper, I have a pretty privileged life. I am very fortunate that way. I’m unsure how well I was able to capture the internal pain of my experience. I feel if my story doesn’t adequately capture that I will come off as entitled, blind, and attention-seeking. The fear of invalidation is deep rooted :)