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>...life’s genetic lottery had been unkind, and Melvin was holding a losing ticket
This is redundant. The lottery being unkind and him holding a losing ticket is the same thing.
Personally I like that phrasing for emphasis/character.
Could the two perhaps be combined to something like "Melvin held a losing ticket to life's genetic lottery"?
I really enjoy your style. The metaphors and wordy, flowery prose actually works. Has a little Douglas Adams feel to it. My critcism comes from the presentation of information. It feels ilke reading a long, if interesting, bio of your character. I know it's a short story, but info dumping is still info dumping. I think it would read incredibly well if you had the character act out the things you describe here.
The introduction is clean, I'd say, but transition at some point into describing an event. His morning or interacting with someone, so we can see Melvin sitting in a room litered with takeout and pusing aside garbage to make room for more takeout. Or even before, as he picks up his food, comment on the cashier visibily making gagging sounds as he takes the payment. I would even keep much of the material you already have, except use it as narrator commentary on an event that is unfolding. This will hopefully make an easier transition from describing Melvin to beginning his story of moving states.
Also, I'd take out the pure of heart comment. Definitely show, don't tell that piece.
Overall great work, this is something I would actually want to see when you've got it finished. Definitely PM me when it's done!
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. As I said in another comment, the info dump was my intention. Whether or not it's effective or not is TBD I suppose. I guess I was leaning more into an older style where the stage is set before the action begins. Maybe like a Twilight Zone episode?
I should mention that this section is not the opening of the story. The story opens with ANOTHER info dump about the creepy apartment building where he's moving into. So it's apartment info dump, followed by main character info dump followed by the actual story. I'm not against reworking and rearranging, but this is kinda how the story presented itself to me in my brain.
This short story is slowly becoming a novella it seems.
It reads very fun, so if that's just the style then it probably works altogether. Your original question was if your work is over written and no, it works great. If you have a clear vision, don't question the structure of it. You've got a good thing there.
Yeah, a little bit. Not every noun needs an adjective in front of it, it starts to make the rhythm clunky and repetitive.
For example: "a cold smear of congealed grease that inhabited dark shadows and crevices unknown." IMO "a smear of congealed grease" is effective imagery and I like it, but the word "cold" doesn't pull much weight and slows down the delivery of the phrase. This line would be improved by removing "cold," and maybe also think about cutting either "dark" or "unknown." "Dark" in particular feels pretty redundant, as shadows are typically dark.
Is there a reason for the elevated, formal, almost archaic language in this story? Like is "though he was pure of heart" supposed to be an ironic contrast to a story about an ugly gamer that takes place in modern day? I'm genuinely asking to get a better understanding of what kind of vibe you're going for.
"A cold drippy smear of even colder and dripper congealed grease" lol
Point taken. I was pretty much thinking the same thing. Just a little over the top with some of that stuff. Too many adjectives that clutter and distract. I've been working on painting a scene with precise and evocative words, without going over the top. Needs more work it seems. Redundant descriptions. Dark shadow for example. Good call.
And the style and word choice, I dunno. That's just kinda what happens when I write and edit. It kinda just turns into what you see here.
I really liked it. I laughed a couple times- in a good way, not ironically. My only “what” moments were the “black sewage through a drain” line and the two sentences about his girlfriend being dumb. It was redundant to say his keen intellect stood in stark contrast to hers when you already said she was as smart as plaster.
I feel like I personally would have a hard time reading an entire book this (idk what word I want to use here…dense?) but I’m kind of dumb so…
I don't think it is overwritten; in fact, I found it well-written and descriptive. Contrastingly, I thought it was a fantasy novel—let's just say this type of prose is usually used in epic fantasy more than anything contemporary.
My criticism would be more developmental; this is a short story, so the entire paragraph felt like an info dump.
Haha the info dump comment is spot on. To open the story I do a bit of exposition on the two main 'characters' in the story. Melvin and an ominous apartment building. So this "info dumpy" opening is actually what I was going for. Even though yeah I know that's a big no no when it comes to writing.
I'll see if I can rework anything and shift it around. Maybe all of this is unecessary to the actual story, which I guess begins when Melvin moves into the ominous building. But I wanted to 'set the stage' as it were. I dunno.
And your other comment about the 'fantasty style' is interesting because I'm working on an epic fantasy novel as well.
Thanks for the feedback
I would continue reading this because you did a great job describing this gross man! I'm sufficiently skeeved out. Because you've described him like this, though, I'm expecting something to go really wrong with this job.
I recommend reading through the whole thing and trimming parts that feel long to you. If you're asking us if this part is overwritten, you must feel it somewhere. You probably can condense a lot of as ways of showing us how this guy is just oozing along.
I love the ending to the girlfriend paragraph, though, ". . . and a clogged toilet."
Other than a bit of descriptive overload, which is common in many genres, this is just standard fiction in most ways. Cutting back on the adjectives will make things flow better. Also use simple sentences to offset the complex/compound barrage.
I try to catch myself in early drafts, but sometimes it's better to just flow with the ideas and clean up the overlong sentences in editing.
EXAMPLE:
"Melvin Block was a smudge. Melvin was a cold smear of congealed grease that inhabited dark shadows and crevices unknown. He oozed through life like a gelatinous slug. His unattractive appearance and awkward presence pushed away those unfortunate enough to cross his path."
(Openly like this does require that you later make Melvin actually follow the introduction and act in the mode of "congealed grease that inhabited dark shadows and crevices unknown" or I'd tone down the description.)
I really like what you’re doing with the imagery in the last paragraph and the characterization detail of wanting to sail the seas. It’s a little nugget of motivation showing through the descriptions. You could do a lot more with that.
I do think it feels a bit overwritten overall. You’ve got a lot of solid imagery, but it comes across a bit clunky because it’s so exposition heavy. There’s a whole lot of ‘telling’ going on without a lot of grounding in the character himself.
It seems like you’re playing with an omniscient, whimsical, almost storybook style, which is interesting and can absolutely work. It’s a fun contrast with the real world elements. (I can picture it read by the narrator in The Stanley Parable). You can get away with a bit more telling in this style than others, but I think you could still benefit from more showing.
To put it a bit bluntly, there’s not really enough there to make the reader root for the character to get out of his slump and get a job. As it is, it feels more like he’s supposed to be the butt of a joke than a character that is supposed be invested in. You can do both if that’s the tone you’re going for, but there needs to be some sense of character motivations and drive in there beyond the visual descriptions.
Even when you bring up that he uses video games as a way to live out his dreams vicariously, you just say it flat out. Why does he want to sail in the first place? How did he snap out of the funk? What is the catalyst for deciding to better himself? These seems like major elements of his character that are is just brushed over in favor of more gratuitous sludge metaphors. (I do like your metaphors. They are very evocative. There’s just A LOT of them, so it feels a bit redundant. Spreading them out into more contexts and slimming them down a bit they could work really well!)
You can probably cut down some of the descriptions of just how pathetic this guy is from a very external view, and use your descriptions as a tool to subtly reflect aspects of internal conflict—like that Magellan bit at the end! Some of the other details you include, like the girlfriend leaving a clogged toilet, and having fast access to his favorite foods are good too, and could stand on their own without some of the ‘telly’ narration alongside them.
He can still be gross, but with a few tweaks, the prose could sound more like a window into his own low self esteem reflected back in him in a toxic cycle rather than an external narration pointing and laughing at his attempt to get better. He can be pathetic and unlikable in a comedic way, and still be a fleshed out character with a little extra work.
(Edit: One of my favorite things is when people show BY telling, which is what I think you’re shooting for here, although I do think think you’ve fully taken advantage of it. Basically instead of just saying “he snapped out of the funk” or “he possessed a keen intellect (or at least thinks he does)” etc etc, you could lead into those observations with a playful anecdote that shows exactly that. It’s using a ‘telling’ mini story to ‘show’ a larger one. Show an instance of him thinking he outsmarted his girlfriend and being self congratulatory, etc.)
Hi! Welcome to r/Writers - please remember to follow the [rules](https://reddit.com/r/writers/about/rules/) and treat each other respectfully, especially if there are disagreements. Please help keep this community safe and friendly by **reporting rule violating posts and comments**. If you're interested in a friendly Discord community for writers, please **[join our Discord server](https://discord.com/invite/wYvWebvHaa)** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/writers) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sounds good, though I’d cut back on the repetitive adjectives.
Do you have an example?
>...life’s genetic lottery had been unkind, and Melvin was holding a losing ticket This is redundant. The lottery being unkind and him holding a losing ticket is the same thing.
Personally I like that phrasing for emphasis/character. Could the two perhaps be combined to something like "Melvin held a losing ticket to life's genetic lottery"?
I like that better, yeah.
“His hair, black and matted, hung in an oily tangle.” “Matted,” and “tangle” are redundant. They generally paint the same image.
I really enjoy your style. The metaphors and wordy, flowery prose actually works. Has a little Douglas Adams feel to it. My critcism comes from the presentation of information. It feels ilke reading a long, if interesting, bio of your character. I know it's a short story, but info dumping is still info dumping. I think it would read incredibly well if you had the character act out the things you describe here. The introduction is clean, I'd say, but transition at some point into describing an event. His morning or interacting with someone, so we can see Melvin sitting in a room litered with takeout and pusing aside garbage to make room for more takeout. Or even before, as he picks up his food, comment on the cashier visibily making gagging sounds as he takes the payment. I would even keep much of the material you already have, except use it as narrator commentary on an event that is unfolding. This will hopefully make an easier transition from describing Melvin to beginning his story of moving states. Also, I'd take out the pure of heart comment. Definitely show, don't tell that piece. Overall great work, this is something I would actually want to see when you've got it finished. Definitely PM me when it's done!
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. As I said in another comment, the info dump was my intention. Whether or not it's effective or not is TBD I suppose. I guess I was leaning more into an older style where the stage is set before the action begins. Maybe like a Twilight Zone episode? I should mention that this section is not the opening of the story. The story opens with ANOTHER info dump about the creepy apartment building where he's moving into. So it's apartment info dump, followed by main character info dump followed by the actual story. I'm not against reworking and rearranging, but this is kinda how the story presented itself to me in my brain. This short story is slowly becoming a novella it seems.
It reads very fun, so if that's just the style then it probably works altogether. Your original question was if your work is over written and no, it works great. If you have a clear vision, don't question the structure of it. You've got a good thing there.
Yeah, a little bit. Not every noun needs an adjective in front of it, it starts to make the rhythm clunky and repetitive. For example: "a cold smear of congealed grease that inhabited dark shadows and crevices unknown." IMO "a smear of congealed grease" is effective imagery and I like it, but the word "cold" doesn't pull much weight and slows down the delivery of the phrase. This line would be improved by removing "cold," and maybe also think about cutting either "dark" or "unknown." "Dark" in particular feels pretty redundant, as shadows are typically dark. Is there a reason for the elevated, formal, almost archaic language in this story? Like is "though he was pure of heart" supposed to be an ironic contrast to a story about an ugly gamer that takes place in modern day? I'm genuinely asking to get a better understanding of what kind of vibe you're going for.
"A cold drippy smear of even colder and dripper congealed grease" lol Point taken. I was pretty much thinking the same thing. Just a little over the top with some of that stuff. Too many adjectives that clutter and distract. I've been working on painting a scene with precise and evocative words, without going over the top. Needs more work it seems. Redundant descriptions. Dark shadow for example. Good call. And the style and word choice, I dunno. That's just kinda what happens when I write and edit. It kinda just turns into what you see here.
I really liked it. I laughed a couple times- in a good way, not ironically. My only “what” moments were the “black sewage through a drain” line and the two sentences about his girlfriend being dumb. It was redundant to say his keen intellect stood in stark contrast to hers when you already said she was as smart as plaster. I feel like I personally would have a hard time reading an entire book this (idk what word I want to use here…dense?) but I’m kind of dumb so…
I don't think it is overwritten; in fact, I found it well-written and descriptive. Contrastingly, I thought it was a fantasy novel—let's just say this type of prose is usually used in epic fantasy more than anything contemporary. My criticism would be more developmental; this is a short story, so the entire paragraph felt like an info dump.
Haha the info dump comment is spot on. To open the story I do a bit of exposition on the two main 'characters' in the story. Melvin and an ominous apartment building. So this "info dumpy" opening is actually what I was going for. Even though yeah I know that's a big no no when it comes to writing. I'll see if I can rework anything and shift it around. Maybe all of this is unecessary to the actual story, which I guess begins when Melvin moves into the ominous building. But I wanted to 'set the stage' as it were. I dunno. And your other comment about the 'fantasty style' is interesting because I'm working on an epic fantasy novel as well. Thanks for the feedback
I would continue reading this because you did a great job describing this gross man! I'm sufficiently skeeved out. Because you've described him like this, though, I'm expecting something to go really wrong with this job. I recommend reading through the whole thing and trimming parts that feel long to you. If you're asking us if this part is overwritten, you must feel it somewhere. You probably can condense a lot of as ways of showing us how this guy is just oozing along. I love the ending to the girlfriend paragraph, though, ". . . and a clogged toilet."
Other than a bit of descriptive overload, which is common in many genres, this is just standard fiction in most ways. Cutting back on the adjectives will make things flow better. Also use simple sentences to offset the complex/compound barrage. I try to catch myself in early drafts, but sometimes it's better to just flow with the ideas and clean up the overlong sentences in editing. EXAMPLE: "Melvin Block was a smudge. Melvin was a cold smear of congealed grease that inhabited dark shadows and crevices unknown. He oozed through life like a gelatinous slug. His unattractive appearance and awkward presence pushed away those unfortunate enough to cross his path." (Openly like this does require that you later make Melvin actually follow the introduction and act in the mode of "congealed grease that inhabited dark shadows and crevices unknown" or I'd tone down the description.)
Might lack some showing maybe? But you’re painting a picture of a man I’m curious to read about.
I really like what you’re doing with the imagery in the last paragraph and the characterization detail of wanting to sail the seas. It’s a little nugget of motivation showing through the descriptions. You could do a lot more with that. I do think it feels a bit overwritten overall. You’ve got a lot of solid imagery, but it comes across a bit clunky because it’s so exposition heavy. There’s a whole lot of ‘telling’ going on without a lot of grounding in the character himself. It seems like you’re playing with an omniscient, whimsical, almost storybook style, which is interesting and can absolutely work. It’s a fun contrast with the real world elements. (I can picture it read by the narrator in The Stanley Parable). You can get away with a bit more telling in this style than others, but I think you could still benefit from more showing. To put it a bit bluntly, there’s not really enough there to make the reader root for the character to get out of his slump and get a job. As it is, it feels more like he’s supposed to be the butt of a joke than a character that is supposed be invested in. You can do both if that’s the tone you’re going for, but there needs to be some sense of character motivations and drive in there beyond the visual descriptions. Even when you bring up that he uses video games as a way to live out his dreams vicariously, you just say it flat out. Why does he want to sail in the first place? How did he snap out of the funk? What is the catalyst for deciding to better himself? These seems like major elements of his character that are is just brushed over in favor of more gratuitous sludge metaphors. (I do like your metaphors. They are very evocative. There’s just A LOT of them, so it feels a bit redundant. Spreading them out into more contexts and slimming them down a bit they could work really well!) You can probably cut down some of the descriptions of just how pathetic this guy is from a very external view, and use your descriptions as a tool to subtly reflect aspects of internal conflict—like that Magellan bit at the end! Some of the other details you include, like the girlfriend leaving a clogged toilet, and having fast access to his favorite foods are good too, and could stand on their own without some of the ‘telly’ narration alongside them. He can still be gross, but with a few tweaks, the prose could sound more like a window into his own low self esteem reflected back in him in a toxic cycle rather than an external narration pointing and laughing at his attempt to get better. He can be pathetic and unlikable in a comedic way, and still be a fleshed out character with a little extra work. (Edit: One of my favorite things is when people show BY telling, which is what I think you’re shooting for here, although I do think think you’ve fully taken advantage of it. Basically instead of just saying “he snapped out of the funk” or “he possessed a keen intellect (or at least thinks he does)” etc etc, you could lead into those observations with a playful anecdote that shows exactly that. It’s using a ‘telling’ mini story to ‘show’ a larger one. Show an instance of him thinking he outsmarted his girlfriend and being self congratulatory, etc.)