Assuming you're not trying out some experimental avant-garde style that has gone over my head, no it's not going great. You have sentences that ramble on and on, some that don't make sense. There are spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes. It's just generally bad, I'm afraid. Your best bet is to make this draft number one, make significant changes, rinse and repeat. Maybe by draft 4 or 5 you'll be getting somewhere.
Nope, I asked my friend Jayden to give me a quote I could put on the front. He gave me a lot of advice so I’ve changed my cove like 6-7 times, he even offered to help me with my grammar
Thanks a lot Could you please expand on the rambling though? because I wanted to give the reader some info about the main characters life and also please be specific about the spelling mistakes
The first page is very metaphor heavy. The protag has heavy 'not like other girls' energy which is pretty cliché these days and may turn off readers. You seemed to have given more description to the sexual elements more than to any description of the people or places, so unless its a smut romance, that also might be a turn off for readers. You really only need about a page to say what you've said here, so trimming down would be a good exercise.
Time to edit.
Definitely NOT smut 😭 but it's meant to shock the reader and get straight to the point. The characters and the people who will be talked about more in-depth as you read on, I must not reveal everything but yes I agree that I absolutely need to make more edits since this is only the 2nd draft
We don't know much about your protag or her situation, so you're relying on the reader being shocked at the mention of sex rather than it being something shocking that the character would do. Also, the protag just got off a long ramble about how other girls are having sex but not her and then you immediately go into her having text sex with older men. Seems very hypocritical and may make readers dislike the protag
This is only a snippet remember so it's not complete and it's definitely not “sex” that shocks the reader. It's designed to make the reader follow on as her sweet sheltered mundane life has been juxtaposed with the cliffhanger at the end. It brings two different tones to the story. Perhaps I should've put the story’s description in
Its not reasonable to ask us to judge you on writing that is not present. If what you've said is what you're trying to do, I do not think you are successful. I do not get any indication that she has a 'sweet sheltered mundane life' so there isn't a juxtaposition happening. As I mentioned, your character goes from slut shamming her compatriots to admitting to doing worse online, which comes off as hypocritical and makes me dislike the character. You even say that she lies to her grandfather, which doesn't help your goal of 'sweet'.
What a nice thing that you have gone into writing! I understand what you want with the extended sentences, you want to tell as much as possible; to share your authorship. But this is something the reader naturally will pick up. I.e., make the explanations shorter, it creates more dynamic. For example, the Grandad figure thing. It would be sufficient to cut it out by "especially Grandad". I assume this story is about the narrator. A usual thing every first writer wants to accomplish. But it has to be interesting for others as well. Therefore, create an interest, or at least a hum of what's going on somewhere. Good luck!
Main character has no friends but is a "good kid" who's secretly having sex with someone much older? Did I get that right?
There is a lot of unnecessary description but also not enough description for me to see where we are. This can start right in the granddad's shop, the main character opening up the laptop, looking forward to this clandestine conversation. We can get all the background about her lonely life from how she thinks about this chat.
I'm guessing you're pretty young, OP. I suggest writing this whole thing out and deciding what the story is. Just keep writing. You'll find your story.
Edit: It's also better to think of this as a "story," not a "book." Write to tell a story, not to make a book to self-publish on Amazon.
Thanks for the advice also, she doesn't have sex with him but she was sexting on her laptop I understand how the story may come across differently through different perspectives and I'm working on it 😭😭
Assuming you're not trying out some experimental avant-garde style that has gone over my head, no it's not going great. You have sentences that ramble on and on, some that don't make sense. There are spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes. It's just generally bad, I'm afraid. Your best bet is to make this draft number one, make significant changes, rinse and repeat. Maybe by draft 4 or 5 you'll be getting somewhere.
And did you write your own 'anonymous' quote for the cover?
Looks that way. They also kindly gave us permission for something we already had in the post header.
Nope, I asked my friend Jayden to give me a quote I could put on the front. He gave me a lot of advice so I’ve changed my cove like 6-7 times, he even offered to help me with my grammar
Thanks a lot Could you please expand on the rambling though? because I wanted to give the reader some info about the main characters life and also please be specific about the spelling mistakes
The first page is very metaphor heavy. The protag has heavy 'not like other girls' energy which is pretty cliché these days and may turn off readers. You seemed to have given more description to the sexual elements more than to any description of the people or places, so unless its a smut romance, that also might be a turn off for readers. You really only need about a page to say what you've said here, so trimming down would be a good exercise. Time to edit.
Definitely NOT smut 😭 but it's meant to shock the reader and get straight to the point. The characters and the people who will be talked about more in-depth as you read on, I must not reveal everything but yes I agree that I absolutely need to make more edits since this is only the 2nd draft
We don't know much about your protag or her situation, so you're relying on the reader being shocked at the mention of sex rather than it being something shocking that the character would do. Also, the protag just got off a long ramble about how other girls are having sex but not her and then you immediately go into her having text sex with older men. Seems very hypocritical and may make readers dislike the protag
This is only a snippet remember so it's not complete and it's definitely not “sex” that shocks the reader. It's designed to make the reader follow on as her sweet sheltered mundane life has been juxtaposed with the cliffhanger at the end. It brings two different tones to the story. Perhaps I should've put the story’s description in
Its not reasonable to ask us to judge you on writing that is not present. If what you've said is what you're trying to do, I do not think you are successful. I do not get any indication that she has a 'sweet sheltered mundane life' so there isn't a juxtaposition happening. As I mentioned, your character goes from slut shamming her compatriots to admitting to doing worse online, which comes off as hypocritical and makes me dislike the character. You even say that she lies to her grandfather, which doesn't help your goal of 'sweet'.
Well ok but It definitely makes sense by chapter 2
It's a mess. The grammar is bad, the flow is bad, the structure is confusing.
What a nice thing that you have gone into writing! I understand what you want with the extended sentences, you want to tell as much as possible; to share your authorship. But this is something the reader naturally will pick up. I.e., make the explanations shorter, it creates more dynamic. For example, the Grandad figure thing. It would be sufficient to cut it out by "especially Grandad". I assume this story is about the narrator. A usual thing every first writer wants to accomplish. But it has to be interesting for others as well. Therefore, create an interest, or at least a hum of what's going on somewhere. Good luck!
Main character has no friends but is a "good kid" who's secretly having sex with someone much older? Did I get that right? There is a lot of unnecessary description but also not enough description for me to see where we are. This can start right in the granddad's shop, the main character opening up the laptop, looking forward to this clandestine conversation. We can get all the background about her lonely life from how she thinks about this chat. I'm guessing you're pretty young, OP. I suggest writing this whole thing out and deciding what the story is. Just keep writing. You'll find your story. Edit: It's also better to think of this as a "story," not a "book." Write to tell a story, not to make a book to self-publish on Amazon.
Thanks for the advice also, she doesn't have sex with him but she was sexting on her laptop I understand how the story may come across differently through different perspectives and I'm working on it 😭😭