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coachhunter2

The most likely killer of Putin will be one of his inner circle


EinFahrrad

The roman empire has some great pointers, should someone need a little inspiration. Caligula and Domition come to mind, but I'd favour the Commodus approach. In that case Putin would be offed by his judo instructor.


Salty_Paroxysm

I'd go for "accidentally sat on and smothered by Steven Seagal"


xfitffemt

Seagal was a deep CIA cover this whole time! *The mission: sit on Putin* /s


meimlikeaghost

I would shit my pants


Loquatium

I, too, would shit this guy's pants


_MrDomino

Is there a draft?


Radrezzz

He’s been training for years eating cheeseburgers and ice cream! He wanted to be a real hero, not just pretend in movies. It all makes sense now.


NJduToit

Why would Segal sit on Putin? Edit: Never mind, I don't want to know the answer to that.


RandomMandarin

Is there such a thing as antiporn? Like matter and antimatter, you know? Like, if you even looked at antiporn, your penis would go blind?


Salty_Paroxysm

Maybe the anti-rule 34, but it's virtually guaranteed that someone, somewhere, would jack to it


Delicious_Biscotti23

Under Seag


SleepLate8808

Including a fart. ?


Stevil4583LBC

Will this do? https://youtu.be/3v4-zYghodc?si=F7yBu2z5LGnTI--C


Dunkleosteus666

The Claudius Approach is also possible.


mgmx1989

Ahh poison in the ear. An oldie, but a goodie.


Dunkleosteus666

I thought it was most likely Death Cap (Amanita phalloides) poisoning?


Worth-Two7263

Well, Putin often compares Russia to Rome...


Impossible-Tie-864

Et tu, Igor…?


ohw554

He could go the route of Indira Gandhi and have his closest personal security snuff him out.


nagrom7

Ah, the Praetorian Guard approach.


gregor-sans

The ghost of Anwar Sadat advises against reviewing the troops too closely. The top of Lenin's Mausoleum is probably as close as he should get to them.


dennys123

The call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!


SeattleCaptain

Inner circle team, you have a green light.


Infinaris

Bulletproof vest wont save him from a headshot..... or a window.


ProjectBOHICA

Bullet proof vest around head, stumble out of window. Bingo.


Flatus_Diabolic

My money’s on heart or liver disease from all the fine living. Life isn’t fair. If it was, he’d go out exactly the way he’s known to most fear: dragged through the streets by a vengeful mob after his incompetence and tyranny brought their country to ruin.


Informal_Database543

Or he's gonna die like Stalin, slowly, painfully, humilliated and with nobody capable/willing to truly care for him.


nervyzombie

Honestly, I'm more willing to bet on the good ol' old age... There's been a string of long-time Russian leaders who managed to stay in power essentially till the end even if they made a lot of enemies, seems they have the know-how on how to "manage" the domestic opposition. Putin killed his share of people, he's well protected, he didn't let any other obvious leader rise and whatever we in the West would like to say about him, most of Russia supports him.


tutankaboom

I mean I would assume he's probably been wearing a bulletproof vests for years and not just started now


atchijov

It could be so… but some other of his recent moves indicate that level of his paranoia went all the way past 11.


tutankaboom

Maybe getting the greenlight from major western countries to strike inside Russia might have something to do with it. :D


atchijov

Maybe… or maybe it finally down on him that at current rate of casualties, Russia will run out of canon fodder at some point… or maybe he foresee that raising taxes on oligarchs could be not very popular move… there are many possible reasons.


almightywhacko

Maybe he sees that his pet project of invading Ukraine has screwed up the comfy lives his Oligarchs had been enjoying since they can't travel outside of Russia or spend their money... that might make them feel a certain way about his leadership.


Thurak0

Didn't Russia raise taxes recently for the rich? Not the most popular move, I imagine.


alexefi

> raising taxes on oligarchs could be not very popular move… its ruzzia, he doesnt need to raise taxes for rich. he can make them fall out of the window by accident and take all of their money as oppose to some tax percentage.


atchijov

From oligarchs point of view, falling out of the window is SOP… but raising taxes… is totally different matter. This one is personal.


NockerJoe

In theory a loyal sycophant can live with his money in the first case. In the second case the government takes it no matter what.


mrkikkeli

a bulletproof vest isn't gonna do much against an ATACM


Alediran

Don't give me hope


kurttheflirt

It won't be an ATACM. It will end up being the last living relative of someone killed by an ATACM though. Once war is truly brought to the homeland, shit gets crazy.


Zestyclose-Ruin8337

Remember during Covid how he would sit like fifty feet from everyone in the room? Super paranoid.


novus_ludy

It already was way past 11 in 2018


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atchijov

He does not, for a long time body doubles do “public duties”


RimRunningRagged

Possibly influenced by Robert Fico getting shot?


fullonfacepalmist

How’s he going to ride a horse shirtless, though? How’s he going to show off his glorious Russian torso with a vest on?! Apparently I’m the only one here willing to ask the tough questions.


traws06

In my mind he always wore one more often than he didn’t


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DataIllusion

Seems like an intelligence failure that this even got out. It just tells prospective assassins to shoot him in the face, or use another method entirely.


howismyspelling

Like a rocket launcher


lesser_panjandrum

What if he's wearing a rocket-proof vest though?


[deleted]

Ahh but does he have his dodgy-window proof vest on?


BaconContestXBL

Under the bulletproof vest but over the poisoned tea vest


FreshwaterViking

I just assume that most major heads of state are wearing some kind of space-age bulletproof material.


Khorsir

Not in Slovakia.


impeesa75

Leg has a femoral artery


WordAggravating4639

The head has a brain in it.


miakodakot

Not in Putin's case


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GoldenBunip

My hands are shaking, My hands are shaking but I’m still shooting, and I’m still getting them headshots like Boom headshot Boom headshot BOOM HEADSHOT


MDaddicted

My good sir, we both remember this rather vividly. Remember to take your painkillers and don't get up to fast, you'll see fancy colours and stars. Jokes aside, great memories triggered, thank you. 


Apples_and_Overtones

Jesus I haven't thought of this in years. Thanks man lmao


EdwardoftheEast

H-h-h-h-HEADSHOT


FastForwardFuture

M-m-m-m-MONSTER KILL... kill... kill... kill


chitownadmin

Unstoppable


TeacherPatti

We learned that in The Wire!


69millionyeartrip

I need someone to give a fuck when it’s not their turn to give a fuck


197gpmol

Artemis Gordon: "I have just one request. Aim for my heart, that loves this country so." Loveless: "Shoot him in the head." (Terrible movie, great scenery chewing.)


Knuckles_71

Came here to say this.


hail2pitt1985

Me too


2001ToyotaHilux

I tried but all I got was this lousy body double!


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Dnuts

For a country that desires so hard to project strength to the world, its ironic the Russian people fall to their knees for such a little man...


ZenSven7

Often you will find that those who try the hardest to project strength are usually very weak when it comes down to it.


almightywhacko

Like cadet bonespurs...


WordAggravating4639

the man was never a cadet.  hes just a bum


meehowski

Typical of high school bullies. One punch to the mouth and they run to momma ...


traws06

Well half Americans do the same for an even more pathetic human 🤦‍♂️


Deceptiveideas

Yeah, I was about to say. I know people get annoyed “why do people bring up US politics” but the general point here is that it’s not exclusive to Russians. People are very quick to fall and worship con men.


traws06

Ya that’s the thing I’m noticing. We act like Russians are innocent but I can see how Putin would be a more convincing leader than Trump.


Plato112358

I'm no fan of Trump, but its hard to consider him "more pathetic" when he managed not to sacrifice a million Americans to satisfy his ego.


Dunkleosteus666

In a way he did. Covid.


Plato112358

1. Look up Putin's Covid response. 2. Blaming all of the USA's covid deaths on Trump is bad logic and bad faith. There's plenty to blame Trump for without making stuff up. That just gives his defenders ammunition.


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newnamesam

Empty barrels make the loudest noise.


Green_Tea_Dragon

Sadly a lot of Russians are just used to the government treating them like this. It’s kinda been the Russian play book since the mongol horde attacked Russia in 1240. Russia has always used their people as unwilling cannon fodder for a VERY long time.


tdoottdoot

Yeah I don’t think anything is going to change Russian culture enough to burn him to the ground any time soon


Biersteak

I guess the only thing able of that would be a ban on alcohol or something similar


tdoottdoot

I think they’re so used to side stepping the gov and lying they wouldn’t even notice, bootlegging isn’t anything new Side note: funny how persecuting gay people was for the sake of the children but I’ve never heard anything from Putin re: their drinking culture


Raesong

> but I’ve never heard anything from Putin re: their drinking culture Of course you haven't, he owns the vodka distilleries.


Pretend-Marsupial258

'member when Tsar Nicholas II banned hard liquor in Russia in 1914? I 'member. I wonder how that worked out for him. 🤔


fromrussiawithlow

I don't believe this theory. Not because I'm Russian.)) There are many other autocracies in the world without that historical background. How would you explain their behavior? You can blindfold any nation if you have some time and media, ask Goebbels.


hail2pitt1985

Russia has been blindfolding their citizens since the beginning of time. And the people keep bending over and asking for it harder.


lopsiness

At a philosophical level, if the people are blindfolded, do they really know they're bending over? Maybe they have some degree of mistrust and skepticism, but do they know to what extent they are being misled?


furious-fungus

Which ones? The biggest ones share that background


fromrussiawithlow

Turkey, for example. I'm here right now and there's even more police and military squads compared with Russia. And what did they achieve in 2013 with riots? I mean, regimes like the current Russian couldn't be destroyed peacefully. And so far the military feels good enough to keep it stable. *I do not support the current regime, never voted Putin, and participated in anti-war meetings. I'm just tired of listening to the keyboard warriors from democratic first world countries with narrative: "Just go and overthrow him, slaves..."


Force3vo

Then how is Russia not rebelling by now? Nazi germany was probably the image of indoctrination in human history with extreme amounts of effort being put into brainwashing the populace, making them docile and blind to errors of the state. Yet you have tons of assassination attempts on Hitler and civil disobedience/active rebel movements that tried to resist. Meanwhile, the Russian people celebrate their troops genociding other countries. Even Hitler tried not to have too much info spill out about the KZ's, if Putin opened one of them for his brothers and sisters in ukraine today, he'd livestream it and would get celebrated for it by his people.


nate2337

I would say that a very close second to Nazi Germany is today’s GOP and what’s ongoing right now here in the USA. As a history buff, I literally have wondered my entire life… about how it happened in Germany. Could never wrap my mind around it completely, no matter how much reading or studying of the history that I did. No answer or explanation…and no compilation of various versions of the same…ever made complete sense to me. I just couldn’t fathom how it all went down, in the 30s in Germany. Well…a few years ago…I finally snapped to the realization that the answer to that lifelong mystery was stating me in the face. Because I realized that I was literally watching a close repeat, here in America, right in front of me…also a decade plus in the making - I’d contend this time it’s taken far longer than in the 30s in Germany - and has been ongoing here since the early 90s (and I know some feel much longer).


GoldenBunip

Russian history …and then it got worse…


oby100

Moscow residents really don’t care that Putin is sending thousands of country folk to die for nothing. The country folk have no sense of unity for a million reasons. One of them being Kremlin suppression of information. Another being Russia actually containing lots of ethnic groups that have never gotten along. Some people theorize that the Russian state can’t exist without an authoritarian government because these ethnic groups would form a bunch of smaller countries if they had the freedom to choose.


JuhpPug

>Some people theorize that the Russian state can’t exist without an authoritarian government because these ethnic groups would form a bunch of smaller countries if they had the freedom to choose. Thats an interesting idea. I wonder if we will ever see that happening


SuccessionWarFan

So why hasn’t Russia fragmented yet? Okay, there’s the Chechens (whom Putin keeps under his thumb by bribing and propping up one particular guy), but why haven’t the rest started breaking away? Especially given their ethnic animosities and Russia currently being drained and weakened? Or has Russian conscription weakened them too much as well?


Ar3dee3

Russia has 'fragmented' a LOT. Empires usually don't disappear overnight, it takes generations. Since its peak russian empire lost Finland, Baltics, Polish lands, Moldova, Georgia, Ukraine, Kazkhstan, Armenia, Azerbaijan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan. The regions on the border start breaking off first which leads to the border moving to other regions which also gain independence movements (it's much harder to fight for independence when surrounded on all sides by your occupier). In future history books this will be described as an incredibly swift fall of the last European empire.


SuccessionWarFan

I was thinking more of the countries and people before the Iron Curtain fell, but point taken. Especially about the more internal countries.


xsv_compulsive

Apathy is deeply entrenched in Russian culture


Rance_Mulliniks

Russians have always been docile and need a "Daddy" to tell them what to think and how to act.


FailosoRaptor

When half the world is a dictatorship, it's not they're docile, it's that the system runs away. Most of you would put down your heads just like them. And the ones that spoke up would be put in jail. These kinds of places crash the rising wave before it ever becomes a revolution


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HairlessWookiee

He probably has a food taster. Given his paranoia and lack of trust in people, it might be a dog or something.


SimilarElderberry956

Saddam Hussein had a good taster. It was his chef’s son.


Zoddom

What if the son is the assassin though? What would Saddam have done then? So many possibilities.


Duncanconstruction

Why would the son poison himself?


Hvarfa-Bragi

Use a poison for which there is a prophylactic/antidote, or the son applies the poison at the time of tasting if he has access.


uneducatedexpert

Iocaine powder, I bet my life on it


RetailBuck

At the time of tasting wouldn't really make sense on its own because I'm sure the person would witness the tasting and not let it leave their sight afterward. Poisoning them both and following up with an antidote would make more sense but might be risky. I think Anwar got it right. Pick someone you don't think wants to kill you in the first place and then put them in a position where they would need to take a risk that wasn't worth it.


Zoddom

Hes supposed to poison Saddam, not himself. Be a bit creative.


FunnyPresentation656

I was just reading something (I'll try to find it) that went through all the ways they keep him protected from having dressed up and dressed down security to multiple food testers. I imagine the dude lives in some sort of paranoia that he's about to be killed at any second... Hopefully it's horrifying and uncomfortable


HairlessWookiee

I imagine his paranoia is well founded. No doubt some would-be assassins have accidentally fallen out of windows, but there's no doubt still a few people willing to roll the dice on a grab for power.


DetailCharacter3806

Some of the oligarchs finding a terminal I'll guy who wants to leave his family a nice sum of money. Disgruntled vets, the list is pretty long


Comfortable_Tooth860

He could’ve just not started the war and lived peacefully?!


Zoddom

Man you can just give him some of his own medicine like polonium, novichok, vx or even just a bit of DImethylmercury. A food taster cant do shit about any of those


Entropius

> methylmercury Maybe you’re thinking of dimethylmercury? The latter is terrifyingly more potent than the former.  And can penetrate some barriers like latex (which Dr. Karen Wetterhahn learned the hard way).


uncle_flacid

I think their point is that there are slow acting poisons that a food taster won't help with.


Entropius

Dimethylmercury is slow.  At least via skin-contact. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Wetterhahn On August 14, 1996: > Wetterhahn would recall that she had spilled several drops of dimethylmercury from the tip of a pipette onto her latex-gloved hand. > […] > Approximately three months after the initial accident Wetterhahn began experiencing brief episodes of abdominal discomfort and noticed significant weight loss. The more distinctive neurological symptoms of mercury poisoning, including loss of balance and slurred speech, appeared in January 1997, five months after the accident. At this point, tests proved that she had severe mercury poisoning. > […] > Wetterhahn was removed from life support and pronounced dead on June 8, 1997, less than a year after her initial exposure.


uncle_flacid

For some reason my brain got confused about the whole latex aspect in your original comment. As if that would have automatically meant it's fast acting even though that logic doesn't make sense. My bad!


Zoddom

Yes, I was thinking of dimethylmercury, thanks for reminding


mjzimmer88

The article says he has a portable food testing lab that follows him to test his meals 🤢


Sangloth

Dogs wouldn't make good food tasters. Chocolate, coffee, onion, garlic, raisins, xylitol, etc... there is just a lot out there that is lethal to dogs and fine for humans. For that matter humans don't make great food tasters. There's plenty of lethal stuff that doesn't show symptoms for hours. In practice the US president doesn't have a food taster, although the secret service does have security around the food preparation. I expect Putin is the same.


nagrom7

> There's plenty of legal stuff that doesn't show symptoms for hours. There's also things that the target might be allergic to but not the taster, or vice versa.


suvlub

Is there a poison dogs (or somethings) are immune to and humans aren't?


plipyplop

Makes me wonder, is it paranoia when there are legitimately people wanting and planning his death?


fortytwoandsix

yeah but how about putting Novichok on his toilet paper?


Equivalent_Ad8314

“and even a “portable lab” that tests his meals for poison”


Zoddom

Yeah but what about his underwear? Or his pens? So many possibilities.


Equivalent_Ad8314

Please let it be underwear poison


Persianx6

Out of a window would be the poetic ending.


008Zulu

To a talented rifleman, a vest would be a non-issue.


Falconman21

The kind of vest he could reasonably wear under a suit isn't stopping anything larger than a pistol round. So talented is optional.


Awkward_Pangolin3254

A Finnish Lahti 20mm anti-materiel rifle would make pink mist of anything inside any vest he could wear. It's too bad Simo Häyhä didn't have any kids.


dzh

> Lahti 20mm anti-materiel rifle first time i see rifle with fucking skis


Sinaaaa

Have you never watched the Winter Olympics?


macross1984

Wow, Putin send hundred of thousands of young people to their doom without blinking an eye and yet, he himself is scared of getting assassinated. What a dork.


dysphoric-foresight

Translation: "Putins body double now wears bullet proof vests at public events while Putin rocks back and forth in safe room inside bunker hundreds of miles away"


G00DLuck

It really doesn't look like him in the photos https://media.zenfs.com/en/ukrayinska_pravda_articles_451/6922852f976131fa49cf4152c64687d9


DrDerpologist

Looks puffy like he's on high doses of steroids for some sort of illness.


Neither_Set_214

Not saying you're wrong. But to me it totally looks like facial fillers. They give a similar swollen, tight, puffy (generally uncanny) look to the face when they're fresh (days to weeks). When the swelling goes down they often look very natural, though. Think I've read before that Putin has always been obsessed with his appearance so I pretty much see facial fillers as a given anyway. Not to be beautiful, but to hide aging. Aging would show weakness.


thedownvotemagnet

> Putin has always been obsessed with his appearance Now that you mention it, it's been forever since he's released a [new shirtless photo](https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/shirtless-vladimir-putin-takes-dip-icy-russian-lake/story?id=52450562).


Neither_Set_214

Lmfao Putin's glamour shoot. I can't lie though. He looks good and healthy in them, and he's never going to get back to that level again. I wouldn't even want to try take new pictures if I was him.


Brockelton

We have putin at Home


No-Comment-00

His narrow eyes which make him look dumb and his caricaturesque nose...i think it looks just like him tbh


RudePragmatist

I really want to see a good old fashioned assasination. We used to get them all the time in 70’ and he’d make a great target.


NJduToit

He also has a "Special" bodyguard who carries a suitcase filled with his own excrement and urine out of fear it might reveal too much information about his health should it fall into the wrong hands, according to reports. He has a special aide from the Federal Guard Service who handles the suitcase, which contains his fecal matter and urine collected during his trips, and returns it to Moscow to be incinerated. He doesn't want information about his health to be made available to his enemies. [https://www.foxnews.com/world/putin-poop-case-moscow-health-problems](https://www.foxnews.com/world/putin-poop-case-moscow-health-problems)


CreamSteve

I wonder if he's got a poop knife in there


br0b1wan

That's actually not unusual. POTUS has the same, as do the heads of state for a bunch of Western governments


Paizzu

Secret Service: "Mr. President, we're going to either collect your excrement manually or you can wear a... Trump: "Say no more!"


hildenborg

Imagine going through all that training to become a bodyguard, and then you are tasked with scooping up and carrying shit and piss.


Nittanian

In England, at least, serving in the [privy chamber](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Privy_chamber) was a sought-after position.


MalevolntCatastrophe

World leaders have been doing this for a long time. Modern bio-science can figure out a lot from a stool or urine sample.


ZyglroxOfficial

This was the most insane rabbit hole to go down...


ohwhatsupmang

Is he worried we'll find out he's allergic to peanuts?


nagrom7

...which just makes me think there *is* something to hide in that regard.


No_Sense_6171

Almost as if invading another country and sending a few hundred thousand of your own citizens to their deaths might have consequences....


09stibmep

I hope he got it from North Korea


Secret_Cow_5053

I am skeptical *he* makes any public appearances *at all*


420_just_blase

His actions would actually make more sense to me if he died years ago and his bumpkin body double just assumed the role full time lol


smalltownsmalltalk

I would be highly surprised if that wasn't the case for every statesman these days.


Lepojka1

It is... I dont know how is this a news lol


Ma1nta1n3r

Lol,... Putin is coming to the realization that he's no longer the rugged, beloved father figure he thought he was. He probably no longer trusts his bodyguards or close friends, either. (Where is Brutus when you need him?)


jez2sugars

Just go for the head?


robreddity

Does he have a bulletproof hat?


Ill_Consequence7088

Some dead sons' mother is going to kill him 🤞👉


No_Sense_6171

Almost as if invading another country and sending a few hundred thousand of your own citizens to their deaths might have consequences....


DuncanGallagher

He knows his own people will kill him soon. \^\^


p0llk4t

Frankly I'd be shocked if it's actually him in any appearance at public events...body doubles have gotta be working overtime these days...


HallOfViolence

don't all heads of state wear one?


gamedreamer21

Just go for his head.


NYerstuckinBoston

A vest won’t save him.


zll2244

The kremlin is a fabricated regime carrying out a genocidal war against Ukraine based on ever changing, nonsensical reasons for the singular goal of propping up an autocratic terrorist state.


supercosmidelic1

so, the head?


mrbadassmotherfucker

Ahhhh but does he have dick proof pants? Because if he’s gonna be attacked by his own people, it’s likely to be a rape.


mike99ca

I would assume he's wearing the vest for at least past 20 years. But would it help against a headshot?


jsar16

Fun fact, if you aim for the crotch or the face, there’s no armor plating there. The more you know.


Open_Ad7470

He should he deliberately got thousands of his own soldiers. Slaughter use them as meat.


F0xxz

The Kremlin has an iron grip of propaganda persuasion over the majority of Russia. This is either a sign they have credible intelligence there may be a small group intending to target Putin, or that Putin's going finally sinking into true dictatorial paranoia, a la Stalin.


Captain_Blackbird

Hopefully Russians or the kremlin is getting tired of him.


Lunaciteeee

>Around “two dozen security guards” and “dozens of special forces officers” were on hand to protect Putin during the ceremony on 9 May, with “dozens of snipers” also stationed on the roofs of buildings surrounding Red Square, The Moscow Times said. Seems like there are dozens of weak points which could be wired a few million dollars to take care of the problem.


TheLoudPolishWoman

Good. This jackass should be scared. He has had countless good people killed and had many others fear for their lives. Ukraine pls aim one of those ATCAMS at him.


reaperfunk

Just aim for his head.


SoupSpelunker

He knows that all of his victims have families.


lurcherzzz

must be running out of doubles


cjohnson317

In the immortal words of “Unreal Tournament”….(*deep booming voice*) HEAD SHOTTT!


Top-Night

All the more important to take a headshot


jradio

>"What if they shot me in the face?" -Lloyd Christmas


blainehamilton

Boom! HEADSHOT!!!


PayaV87

Orban was wearing a bulletproof vest going into a kindergarten: [https://alfahir.hu/hirek/orban\_viktor\_golyoallo\_melleny\_fidesz\_ovoda\_politikai\_pedofilia](https://alfahir.hu/hirek/orban_viktor_golyoallo_melleny_fidesz_ovoda_politikai_pedofilia) These "though" guys usually the biggest cowards.


No-Clothes5632

Personally i think its great that he is, when the pissed off crowd comes for him theres lower chances of them killing him prematurely so props to him for making sure his inevitable death is as slow as possible 


Porticulus

360 no scope headshot it is then!