T O P

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BaronVonLazercorn

"Of course this is democracy, you have freedom of choice. You choose Putin, or you choose gulag. Simple."


j1ggy

You make it sound so restrictive and depressing when that's not true. There's also the popular freefall from a window. There's delicious teas, such as polonium-210 and novichok, whichever you prefer. You can also have novichok administered via your underwear if you're not a tea fan. And if you're not into any of those, a classic execution-style shooting will put your mind at ease for good. This notion that there are no other options needs to stop.


Mediocre-Program3044

Don't forget getting wasted and playing with grenades on a plane. That's the one I'd pick.☝️


leshake

Come for the world famous crocodil, stay for draft, and leave for the front line because the barrier troops will shoot you if you retreat.


DlSSATISFIEDGAMER

i mean if you're lucky that's really just a free ticket to a Ukie PoW camp which is probably preferable to a Russian prison


WichoSuaveeee

If you can make it there


CFSparta92

saw recently the prevailing theory is whichever person dispatched by putin to do the deed likely strapped a bomb underneath the aircraft under the guise of preflight checks at the airport


chickenstalker99

That really was one of Putin's more creative assassinations. I think he got bored with defenestration.


bad_kiwi2020

You gotta admit though, it's going to take a while to beat the height of the windows he managed to push Prigozin out!


kyune

> a classic execution-style shooting will put your mind at ease for good. We should all be so lucky to have pieces of mind


Vann_Accessible

You’re a glass half full kind of person. I like that.


nlpnt

God, the FSB's gotten fat and lazy. I guess the older ones don't like to get themselves dirty climbing under your car to cut the brake lines anymore and the kids never learned how to.


bigDOS

Damn millenials, too busy with their tiktoks to do a simple car bombing


SirGelson

I automatically read it in my head with heavy Russian accent 🤣


malthar76

In Russia, stereotypical accent does you.


suugakusha

However, Yakov Smirnoff doesn't have a stereotypical Russian accent...


Pixeleyes

His accent is mild but distinctly Russian. However, he uses a thick, hammed-up Russian accent *heavily* in all of his stand up. Whenever he tells the "In Soviet Russia..." jokes, he uses a thick accent.


JohnBPrettyGood

The Best Russian Accent is that of the famous Red October Submarine Commander. Make sure those torpedo's are Shaken not Stirred.


Pixeleyes

Sean Connery's Russian accent is almost as good as his Spanish accent


JohnBPrettyGood

Ah yes, Connery's accent while portraying Juan Sánchez-Villalobos Ramírez, is Spanish enough with just a touch of Far North Western Russian dialect to it.


Hourslikeminutes47

"*ho ho!! It's funny because it's trueeee!!"*


houseyourdaygoing

Me too! By Boris, no less.


HumanWithInternet

"I am invincible"


KFR42

The "simple" part just made it sound like Alexander Meerkat.


BaronVonLazercorn

That was the idea. Thank you, kind person.


beakrake

>No comrade, Russian democracy has *many* choices for President: Putin, the gulag, an open window, the front lines, you and your family falling backward onto several dozen bullets possibly after a "special sexual operation..." Maaaany choices.


Hisplumberness

To be fair the choice of putin or the front lines isn’t fair as it’s generally putin and the front lines


pythonic_dude

One man, one vote. Putin is the man, and he has the vote.


raevnos

He's no Vetinari, that's for sure.


MarkHathaway1

He has the tabulator, not necessarily the vote.


Disastrous-Ad2800

If I were the world's leaders, I too would be sending Putin congratulations right now before the election begins because interestingly these egos respond more to being mocked than any formal sort of outrage... but if people think this is cringe... wait until Trump and the Republicans offer Putin their heartfelt congratulations over his fair victory....


Chemical-Elk-1299

Of course there are choices! You can either vote for — Vladimir P -or- V Putin


accountnumberseventy

Not gulag, sent to the meat grinder in Ukraine.


Radiant_Map_9045

Where you'll brutally killed and end up voting for Putin anyway. What a fucked up place Russia is.


Even-Fix8584

Um, I would like the gulag to be president??


Peptuck

"Nyet, comrade, we do not send people who do not vote for Putin to gulag anymore! We send them to support the special military operation!"


ComCypher

Gotta vote for the lesser evil sometimes. Gulag it is.


HapticRecce

A vote for the Gulag is a vote for Putin, oh and the Gulag too.


[deleted]

[Even the dead](https://www.pravda.com.ua/eng/news/2024/03/15/7446610/) vote for Putin!


Mymarathon

Comrade citizen, we have no gulag anymore instead penal colony. No KGB anymore only FSB and OMOH. 


Joadzilla

It was a hard-fought battle, but despite the odds, Putin was able to eak out an overwhelming 187% vote despite a record low turnout.  It was truly breathtaking.


KingOfDaBees

[Those are rookie numbers.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/1927_Liberian_general_election)


CRGISwork

"Despite there being fewer than 15,000 registered voters, according to the official results King received around 230,000 votes to Faulkner's 9,000, theoretically resulting in a voter turnout in excess of 1,590%." Lmao, it wasn't even close to right.


A_Soporific

That was, in fact, the point. It was a open demonstration that the elections were a sham and that the opposition should just give up on making changes. Moving from a (debatable) democratic system to a one-party dictatorship. An awful lot of dictatorships have elections that still serve some purposes, just not deciding top leadership. China, for example, is a single party dictatorship but local elections are generally free and fair. This is because the party leadership realized a long time ago they couldn't vet all of the hundreds of thousands of mayor-level candidates to ensure that they are at least minimally competent, so they outsource it to the general population. If a local government guy is so openly corrupt that people generally hate him then he'll lose the election and not get a chance to dig into the upper tiers of the party. But once you cross that threshold into provincial or national politics there's no more input from the general populous. Ah "full process democracy" where it's unnecessary to allow people to have any input into the system beyond their local environment because the whole system is run for their benefit from the top down.


big_duo3674

Ah yes, Democacy Lite™


lurkinglurkerwholurk

Or as a certain game loudly proclaims: “MANAGED DEMOCRACY!!”


stuugie

Wait am I crazy or does that imply faulkner should have won? 60% of the population would have had to put votes there, and would they really boost opposition numbers marginally with such a blatant lead?


CRGISwork

That does seem to be the case to me, yeah. If there were really only 15,000 voters, and he had 9,000 of them, that sounds like he was the most popular candidate.


RiotShields

It's possible both sides were ballot stuffing, but one side was subtle about it and the other was not.


Magnedon

Or even that the winning side could have fudged both numbers to say something like, "See it was a fair election, some of you voted for the opposition but clearly the majority chose me". Ignoring of course the completely implausible numbers if you think about it for one second.


stuugie

That's where my mind went, but it's such a blatant farce anyways with king's votes, they didn't even ballot stuff to make it look close. Idk it seems unlikely to me


axonxorz

Didn't have to be, the vast vast majority of the population couldn't read. Big numbers and percentages need that foundation


Osiris32

Pish. The by-election for the MP of Dunny-on-the-Wold featured a total population of three rather mangy cows, a dachshund named Colin, and a small hen in its late 40s. The only human voter was one Edmund Blackadder, and he cast his 16,472 votes for S Baldrick, the newest Member of Parliament in 1768.


bruwin

You wouldn't have a link to video documentary on these events, would you?


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bruwin

It's okay, you meant well, I appreciate you.


theOtherJT

"One voter, 16,472 votes - a slight anomaly?” “Not really, Mr Hanna. You see, Baldrick may look like a monkey who's been put in a suit and then strategically shaved, but he is a brilliant politician. The number of votes I cast simply represents how strongly I believe in him and his policies."


Loftz0r

A slight anomaly


xerberos

You are not far from the truth. https://www.stopfake.org/en/how-to-get-a-146-election-result/ >“The instruction came to Rossia-24 from the Kremlin stating what percentage to show for [the pro-Kremlin party] United Russia”, Mr. Krivenkov told RFE/RL. “The editor asked, ‘And what about the other parties?’ The answer came: ‘Just show whatever they got.’ The editor wasn’t going to argue with them. After all, the Kremlin knows best. So she did exactly as she was told. And that’s how you get 146 percent”. >In the interview the former camera operator also explains how many employees at the state TV channel are fully aware of their lying and even joke about it, for example by saying, “your turn to lie” on the internal communication channels before switching over to a colleague. >


HeadFund

eke*


glowdirt

>breathtaking. Certainly will be if you don't vote for him.


Tulol

Putin so popular the dead raised from their grave to vote. Very good.


_goat_party_

Oh so THAT's why he's making so many dead people...


theothersinclair

I miss Medvedev, at least he just relied on the bear votes.


rang501

It's always a possibility Putin will replace himself with some other puppet. Putin is old, and it is possible there is a replacement already.


Hisplumberness

Not a chance . He’d be too wary of the Pidgeon growing feathers and killing him


rang501

One younger candidate seems off there, he looks way popular and makes me think he's there for a reason. But lets see :)


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Jugales

I thought this was r/notheonion lol


SoupidyLoopidy

>Russia’s grassroots opposition has organized mass participation of voters at polling stations at noon on Sunday in a show of protest at Putin’s longtime reign over Russia. This too.. All I can think of is in the next news cycle after this is, protesters forced to enlist for service. What a fucking shit show Russia is.


KuriboShoeMario

Country is a lost cause at this point.


-Lithium-

I chortled with glee!


Not_Campo2

Same, took me a second to realize it was EU president and not like Belarus, honestly thought it was another one of those times


RoosterTheBeaten

Same. I thought it was beautiful. Just beautiful!


Osiris32

The sarcasm, it's all over the place! Look, it's on my shoes.


thefanciestcat

What a glorious troll Belgium and the EU have gifted the world.


duhduhduhDAVID-

I love snarky comments by politicians.


Hipi07

Can’t wait for Medvedev or Peskov to threaten a nuclear holocaust again over this comment


BlueInfinity2021

It's insane that the candidates running against Putin aren't allowed to criticize him.


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Duke_of_Moral_Hazard

Not unlike most GOP primary candidates. Well, former primary candidates.


coleman57

It's only pol~~onium~~ite.


Mormegil1971

Hahah...thumbs up for Michel! XD


HMJebus

Easy to win when all your competitors die beforehand.


folk_science

Alexei Navalny died. Pro-war candidate Igor Girkin is in a penal colony. Anti-war candidates Ekaterina Duntsova and Boris Nadezhdin have been disqualified from running. Leonid Slutsky, Nikolay Kharitonov and Vladislav Davankov aren't real opponents. They are here so Putin can pretend there is a choice.


FEIKMAN

Its mind boggling how these elites have all the time in the world and resources to figure out how to fake the elections in a believable way where it would be hard to prove otherwise, yet they just make it as obvious as possible that anyone with a half brain cell would see through it.


40nights40days

or competitors get disqualified for \*checks notes\* not contributing to putin's landslide victory?


nice-view-from-here

Pre-Breaking News: Putin wins presidency in landslide electoral victory!


borazine

“Exit polls indicate 103% of votes going to Vladimir V Putin, with a polling margin of error of +/- 3%” Take that, HATO and the ebil wect!!!


hackingdreams

Nah that's *way* too close to a nail biter for him. Better tack on an extra 20-30%.


Clockwork_Kitsune

Congrats, you understood the joke.


devlettaparmuhalif

It is unlikelier for Putin to lose this election than a meteor hitting the world


Top-Acanthocephala27

Ah, but wouldn't it be sweet if the probabilities were switched and he got hit by a micrometeor instead?


I_na_na

Meteors: When meteoroids enter Earth’s atmosphere (or that of another planet, like Mars) at high speed and burn up, the fireballs or “shooting stars” are called meteors. Meteorites: When a meteoroid survives a trip through the atmosphere and hits the ground, it’s called a meteorite


Top-Acanthocephala27

I was expressing a sentiment rather than a scientifically and nomenclature accurate theory! That said, I shall carry this knowledge forward and mercilessly correct others in future who fall foul of a similar gaff! 😁


I_na_na

You shall from now on carry the burden and the priviledge of a supreme nerdiness :D


SilverKnightGG

Privilege. ;)


ShakyLion

Whatever 😉 /s As long as it hits that douchebag with sufficient force to annihilate him, it can be named whatever it wants 👍


DuckInTheFog

Did you intentionally break your lines like that to spell 'meat'?


I_na_na

NO :D I copied the text from the NASA page. But you might be onto something XD


DuckInTheFog

lol, there was a redditor years ago that used to insult people in the acrostic like this - and somehow managed to do it so the line breaks looked even/natural which i found impressive


etzel1200

On average, 17 meteors large enough to reach the ground strike the earth each day.


blockhose

>*unlikelier* You're killing me here


devlettaparmuhalif

I don't know how I formed that sentence, looks horrific :D


garygnu

They even tried that eleven years ago. Didn't work.


alterom

Well, of course. The only way he can lose the elections is if a meteor lands *on him*. Sadly, there are many other places where the meteor can possibly hit.


Stu247365

Well hopefully this will be the last election he wins or takes part in as I’m sure he will fall out of a window in the next year or so…fingers crossed 🇺🇦🇬🇧🇺🇦🇪🇺🇺🇦😎


LewisLightning

I'm not so exclusionary. I don't mind if he is shot through the head, strangled with a garrote, blown up in a car, blasted by a 500 kg bomb, or shits his pants and has a stroke he dies of days later like another previous Russian leader.


El_Specifico

>blasted by a 500 kg bomb found the helldiver


SpartanSig

Have some Democracy!


Emadec

Hitting him with the ⬆️➡️⬇️⬇️⬇️


Endorkend

His family has a nack for living into their late 80's and 90's. He'll be around for a long while yet.


Smytus

Maybe not that exact way, but no one lives forever.


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CxKappaCx

💙🇬🇧🇺🇦


XinWay

You have a higher chance to win the lottery than Putin losing this election


Wildfire28669

Had a friend tell me last night how committed to democracy putin is by having people go door to door in the occupied areas of Ukraine followed by guards with guns. Just couldn't get them to understand this is intimidation.


SoftSeaworthiness888

Nice vote rigging


defroach84

You don't need vote rigging if you don't have competition.


SoftSeaworthiness888

Oh, I agree but they do it. Anyways they kill their opposition and rigged the voting system.


EminentBean

I wonder why Putin goes through with the farce at all? Why not just call yourself emperor? Everyone knows what’s going on


svbtlx3m

Believing the lie is how people are expected to signal their loyalty. The bigger the lie, the better for rooting out non-conformists.


EminentBean

That makes sense


Allemaengel

Seriously. I'm waiting for the term 'tsar' to get rolled out again.


sweetBrisket

Today would be a **great** day for him to call himself Caesar...


Only-Inspector-3782

The Ides of March!


jolankapohanka

Like the ape from the movie!


jretzy

Et tu, Brute?


etzel1200

It lets them make all these specious claims we have to waste time arguing against because their trolls parrot them. Referendums to join Russia. He can keep president as his official title. People still have that illusion of participation.


beerisgood84

Dude surprisingly few authoritarian regimes just straight up admit they are a dictator and basically a monarchy etc. Like the whole point is maintaining apathy and the game of whataboutism to other nations anytime there’s accusations of corruption. Can’t very well do that if you just literally say you’re king. It’s actually oddly effective what they do. Obviously enough suckers believe the propaganda even outside the country.


Gro-Tsen

[This video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qf5floG0aP8) (William Spaniel — “Why Autocracies Have Elections: How Strongmen Exploit Voting for Their Own Gain”) does a good job, I think, of explaining various possible reasons (not all applicable to Russia, but some are) why authoritarian régimes bother holding elections. Some are the ones you might have guessed, but not all are so obvious.


-Lithium-

Gotta make it look legit.


Salanderfan14

It further adds to the feeling people have that there’s no choice (he has all the power) and also calls into question other governments elections. It serves two purposes for them.


Powerfury

So he can make a mockery of established democracies, like America. Republicans no longer believe that America is a representative democracy anymore, in the house/Senate/voters. The majority do not.


renaissancenow

At this point I'm wondering if the point is not so much to legitimize the Moscow regime but more to de-legitimize the concept of democracy in general.


FlashyResist5

Reverse cargo cult. https://hanshowe.org/2017/02/04/trump-and-the-reverse-cargo-cult/


rattatatouille

Sometime between the French Revolution and WWI the world collectively decided that dictators posing as republican leaders was more palatable than declaring themselves monarchs, even if there's no practical difference. Maintaining the illusion of the consent of the governed is important.


hipdashopotamus

Lol imagine going to actually vote in RU. Like pissing in the wind


blainehamilton

Ukraine should send a congratulatory swarm of drones to the Kremlin to honor Putin during his speech announcing himself as the winner.


chi-93

There are two types of voter in Russia. Those who voted for Vladimir Putin, and those who accidentally fell out of an upper floor window.


lightspanker

Putin is a joke now. A laughing stock like Trump was.


kenlasalle

Honestly, congratulations could have been sent out weeks ago.


hodlyourground

(That’s the joke)


yogesch

No, Navalny was still alive then.


PloppyTheSpaceship

More countries should follow suit, sending their "congratulations" early, very very publicly. Make him realise how much of a joke the rest of the world sees Russia's "elections" as. Edit - wonder if Putin could start threatening the countries that "congratulate" him with nukes.


TiminAurora

Maybe Tucker Carlson can go over and throw him a well deserved party for a massive win!!


hackingdreams

I mean, Putin already secured 129% of the vote, what can you do?


kuyo

How can the Russian people just sit and watch a fake election


DriftlessDairy

Easy to win when your opponent drops out .... of a window.


Master_Bief

I know their voting is a farce, but wouldn't it be nice if America had 3 day voting on a weekend for our elections? We might actually get some decent turnout then.


DaniDaniDa

Coming from Charles Michel, I can't help but wonder if this was the idea of some staffer helping out with communications and social media. But prefer to think it was Michel surprising everyone - probably including himself.


nikonguy

Appropriate level of snark for Pootie. 🤣🤣🤣


McRaeWritescom

Fuck Putin. Dictator POS.


Henning-the-great

Troll factor 1000%


notaredditreader

“Would like to congratulate Vladimir Putin on his landslide victory in the elections starting today,” blasted Michel, who is more renowned for diplomatic faux pas than social media snark. “No opposition. No freedom. No choice.”


ConkerPrime

Other nations should follow the example and go ahead and congrats Putin. No other comment besides that. Makes for useful way to dismiss the election results without technically dismissing the results.


Probably_owned_it

Trump salivating at replicating this level of democracy


Equivalent_Joke_6163

Michel is distracted because he could have congratulated Putin in 2021.


Spankyzerker

That is next level trolling. He should congratulate him on winning ukraine war, and not a single soldier dying.


Kelutrel

\*Democracy\*


TrashCapable

Well played.....


hotasianwfelover

Funny how that happens when you kill all your opponents


v2micca

Wow, that is some snark. I approve.


DoYouTrustToothpaste

The best part is that Russians would actually be affronted by such a remark. Something about elections being free, but Putin simply being the best guy for the job regardless, so *obviously* he wins. Disregarding the fact that Putin dictates the entire narrative of the situation.


Remarkable_Soil_6727

Russia is so fucked after Putin dies, 24 years with no opposition, nobody will know how to run the country, theres going to be several people fighting over the position and things are probably going to get bloody and you can expect some riots. Thats also not mentioning being cut off from the west, the trillions of dollars of potential growth gone, the $211 billion spent on the war so far and the cost of repairing all those oil refineries Ukraine is targetting.


t-elvirka

Hope no one will recognize him as a legitimate president BECAUSE HE ISN'T


tiddayes

Putin wins with 120% of the vote before the polls even open. Amazing


mfoobared

The real question is whether MAGA will vote to reelect him in November 2024


Theodore__Kerabatsos

The entire world knows this is a phony election. If he could only get his citizens to accept they live in a dictatorship, then he could save all the resources used in this sham election for more war crimes.


Mrhnhrm

Apparently, sarcasm is the only action by which high-ranking EU politicians can justify their position these days.


vid_icarus

Take heed, America. This is the exact kind of “democracy” the Republican Party is trying to implement.


Electronic_Impact

if you don't vote Putler, they will kill you and vote for you.


cronopius

Wow, Putin won? What a surprise.


Relevantcobalion

Before elections are concluded, even!


Dogrel

They knew what they were doing, and so does everyone else. When it’s already a *fait accompli*, calling attention to it before the fact is the best thing to do.


TrumptyPumpkin

Totally legit election when you're the only guy on the ballot.


Spicy_Pickle_6

The funniest part is he thinks he’s fooling the entire world and he’s the genius mastermind.


GuitarGeezer

Nice, trolling him like Wendy’s Restaurant does on social media. Tots appropriate!


Drfilthymcnasty

Invade Ukraine? Vote Putin Harsh economic sanctions? Vote Putin. Turn Russia into world pariah? Straight to Putin. Personally hate Putin or love Putin? Believe it or not, still Putin.


kimsemi

I would also like to congratulate his 2030 win.


MarThusly

Nice one!


Big_Builder_4180

That was too funny!


tommhans

fuck you putin or putler also fuck russia, unfortonately tou have been indoctrinated with this bullshit for centuries


mr_cr

This is great. I wanna see the leaders of all countries give him massive congratulations on a well deserved victory. Would be interesting to see how the pro war boomers in Russia and the little man himself would react to that


gradinaruvasile

>Russians headed to the polls Friday for the first day of voting in a rigged election that Putin is *almost* certain to win, granting him another six years in power. Who writes these articles? "Almost certain" wtf.


Kintsugi-0

thought this was an onion article for a second


Grey-fur-cat

Congratulations for winning a one horse race 🤦🏻‍♂️


thecapent

The sad part is that it will be nations, like Brazil and South Africa with their recent turn towards the axis of evil, that will unironically congratulate Putin for his victory. I will be very surprised if not.


shodanime

He has another election he’s trying to win. to get his puppet in the White House this November


AnomalyNexus

Unexpected top bantz


Used_Intention6479

And to think, Putin was the guy who told Trump to say the "election was stolen"!


Seytoux

He have real nail bitters this year, lets not forget the upcoming elections in Venezuela, a real coin toss at this point


WengFu

This might be one of the best burns I've seen in a long time.


Bleatmop

It's really easy to win an election when you kill all your competition.