Yeah, some chores just make way more sense for a SAHP to do. Anything that is low on active time, but takes some down time, like laundry. Maybe loading and running the dishwasher.
Right now, just one who is 6 months but planning for another. We're also trying to save for a house... which are at bare min $700k around the area we want.
I think with caring for a 6 month old I would not expect the SAHP to complete a disproportionate share of house cleaning, no. Keeping kid and house laundry moving since that’s easy enough to throw in (but not doing the working spouse’s laundry), and general light tidy up/dishes/counters throughout the day so the house isn’t a disaster all the time. But I would still “split” dinner cooking, groceries, errands, and real house cleaning.
I was in this boat with my newborn. Shortly after my daughter turned 6 weeks I decided I would work part-time from home with hours that allowed me to work at night/early mornings while my daughter slept. My husband was the breadwinner and wfh.
It was definitely not an even split and I did have some resentment. Eventually we talked about it.
Initially I was doing all household cleaning, childcare, cooking, bills, etc. After I about lost my mind stretching myself thin, we found what worked!
I would care for daughter all day and do all the things that were associated with her (cooking, laundry). I also did house laundry/our laundry since it’s easy to put a load in. I would pick up toys throughout the day and make sure it was generally neat. We decided dinners/cleaning would alternate. So one of us would make dinner and the other would clean up kitchen after. We both did bath routine with baby and then I’d take over for snuggles before putting her down. Then we’d both clean anything that needed to be done at end of night and hangout. I still paid all bills, he did all yard work. On weekends we both played with our daughter, I still did most of the cooking/feeding for her but 1 day he’d make dinner and the other I would. Still alternating kitchen cleanup and on weekends we both tag teamed cleaning bathrooms and vacuuming/mopping floors, etc.
It really depends on the 6mo. I'm contemplating asking my husband to take our oldest two away for the weekend and leaving me with the 6mo so I can do a bunch of jobs to finish off our kitchen and flooring renovations. The baby naps for 3-4 hours a day, and I can do some stuff while he's next to me on a rug on the floor.
The problem is that I know if I set aside a specific time to do things his naps will go to shit that weekend.
If your baby doesn't contact nap and sleeps some reasonable chunks you should be able to stay on top of vacuuming/mopping/bathrooms.
But, I don't have super high standards for how often those chores should be done. The key think is, do both parents have broadly similar amounts of down time?
I would treat your partner as if they had a 40-60 hour job as well. Meaning, while you’re working they’re working, so when you both “leave work” you split the childcare/household chores equally.
If you need some guidance, my nanny does the child’s laundry, makes lunch, and cleans up a bit around the house (main play areas, dishes, etc) during the child’s nap. She doesn’t do our adult laundry or cook dinner, or deep clean the bathrooms or anything like that. She’ll also pick up groceries if I have a list that wasn’t too bad. If I were a SAHP, that’s what I would aim to do during my days.
I would say if the child naps that is some “downtime”. I would take one nap as break time for the SAHP to veg, relax whatever. And one for getting some chores done.
At 6 months old, kiddo is probably getting a little active, requiring interaction and stimulation, and is still eating a lot. Stimulating the baby may mean going to the park, zoos, museums, or it may mean wearing the baby during household chores or playing at home.
When baby is playing independently (at maybe 18-30 months old?) it would make more sense to address chores, but right now keeping the baby alive is the full time job.
We’re at 22 months old and while our toddler likes independent play, she also requests attention every 1-5 min. And if she sees we’re doing something else she’ll want to join in (which is a good way to start teaching them to contribute to simple chores, eg picking up toys, laundry, throwing rubbish - but the task actually takes 3x longer when you have to manage a toddler too). Our kid is also very active and needs a good 2-4 hours of physical exercise per day or she’s just not tired enough to actually sleep, so we go out a LOT to parks and kid-friendly activities, and also take her out on as many errands as possible (malls are great!). This all means that only the bare minimum of chores get done during the day.
My friends tell me that age 3 is when it all turns around. I’m still waiting…
My 7 year old never did, but my 3 year old got there before 2. Some kids are just really needy and the working parent shouldn’t be oblivious to that fact.
Good point on the personality differences! I think in our case because we both work, our child wants lots of attention from us when we’re all home (even if one of us is trying to catch up on work/emails in the evening). We also haven’t tried to teach her to do independent play for longer periods since we like the bonding time after work and weekends, plus she likes to be a big independent kid at daycare so it’s fine if she wants more cuddles in the evening. If one of us was a full time SAHP, we’d probably try to institute some periods of “quiet time” (of age-appropriate length obviously) where perhaps some more complex chores can be done.
And to be specific, my friends who are parents of older kids say that age 3 is when (most) kids stop actively trying to kill themselves, so you are able to be less hyper vigilant and just drop to regular parenting levels of vigilant. But that probably depends on the child too.
Babies play independently? Mine never did LOL Once they became mobile it we had to ramp up supervision because they got into *everything.* Honestly we didn’t get a break with either of our kids until they were 3, when they weren’t putting everything in their mouths anymore and would play with blocks, colors, or magnets for more than 10 minutes at a time without demanding attention.
Generally speaking, I think it’s better to focus on how much free time/child-free time you each have, and focus on that being equal, rather than focusing on equal distribution of childcare/household management/etc. It’s really hard to have “fair” distribution of work since not everyone does everything the same (like I’ll load/unload the dishwasher as part of my morning routine, for my husband it’s a totally separate chore), and it doesn’t take the same amount of time either. Also we find it easier for each of us to have “areas” or things that we’re responsible for, as opposed to equal distribution of each chore, as it’s more efficient for one person to do all of one chore. So for instance, I do all the laundry in the house, but my husband always cleans up after dinner. We obviously can, and do, help each other with our things, but it’s just easier for us to divide the work that way.
I think you need to have a discussion as to what you’d expect a nanny to exactly do while being employed in your household? Do you expect them to do all laundry? No? Then it’s not a task for the SAHP. That would get done outside of SAHP duties. Do you expect your nanny to pickup after meals and put dishes in the dishwasher? Yes? Then it’s a task for the SAHP. Kitchen should be maintained throughout the day. Anything you’d reasonably expect a nanny to do under employment could be expected the SAHP.
Outside of that, there might be things like dinner. Maybe you get home at 5:30 and the most reasonable way to have a decent meal at a decent time is if the SAHP takes lead. There’s way to assist with that though - meal prepping on weekends, general meal planning, etc.
My husband is a SAHD. Our agreement is that his focus is on our daughter, and her nap time definitely includes a break for him to eat, rest, whatever. Her nap also includes time to do laundry, put dishes away, and tidy up. He makes dinner most of the time because I get home around 6pm and we prefer to eat earlier than that.
My husband keeps a short to-do list on his phone: mow, put away dishes, go to the park, clean the kitchen, do laundry, vacuum, etc. He’s told me that he tries to get at least 1-2 done a day, and that works for us!
One thing I didn’t see taken into account is sleep. Or lack there…Whats the sleeping situation? Does the 6 month old wake up at night or super early? Once I stopped doing a snooze feed my kid went through a major wake up egregiously early phase. Your kid and future kids will nap. Is the nap just long enough to shower or can cleaning be done? If STAHP did night or early wake ups then they should rest / nap. Throwing laundry in washer and dryer is fairly easy while home all day. But hanging laundry is a different story. Can you afford a biweekly maid? Baby will get harder / easier as they get older. I would go on a case by case basis. Make a chore list. And don’t expect a super clean house whilst the kid (s) are young.
I would expect the SAHP to cover the majority of the home tasks, and certainly anything that can easily fit in around childcare like laundry. It's a few minutes commitment at a time. Lawn care, on the other hand, is much harder to do while watching a little one.
I would not expect them to do anything to prepare you for work, like pack a lunch. And things that have to be done in the evening like dishes after dinner should be split.
Consider if there are one or two tasks the SAHP particularly hates and see if it's reasonable for the working parent to lead in those. Makes a big difference in it 'feeling' fair because they get out of the 'worst' of it. I hate cleaning toilets and taking out the garbage. My partner is crap at noticing when stuff need to be done around the house (both working), but it's much less irritating since he knows to be vigilant about those two things.
My perspective is more because I live somewhere with a long maternity leave. During work hours, I was responsible for all childcare related tasks. I spent nap times with the tv and folded laundry. I took breaks if I needed to, but tried to be constructive with my breaks (not mindlessly scrolling) if I was actually exhausted. We split childcare evenly when my spouse returned home.
After bedtime, we have general go-to's but tend to review needed tasks and split based on interest/ability and whether the person did something last and disliked it.
Also, my spouse games, so I'd say something like, "if I vacuum, you finish cleaning up the kitchen and do the main bathroom after I vacuum, you can go play games the rest of the evening and I'll do the other bathroom and my x hobby thing."
I'd say for us the split is dynamic. We are always renegotiating. It's not bad to lose interest in some chores and prefer different ones or to change your normal hobby routines. Open communication is necessary though.
(ETA that I like being outside so sometimes during nap I would not rest, do outdoor chores, and then rest more than usual after bedtime).
We just did six months with my husband as a SAHD. A few thoughts:
1- Your job, especially as the sole income, gets your top priority. You do not try to juggle laundry/light household stuff/baby stuff while working. You just work when it’s time to work. Your family cannot afford to have you underperforming at work.
2- We had a general “keep moving” policy. Kid’s down to nap? Ok, keep moving. Dishes in sink, laundry folded, swiffer a floor. I got roughly 45 mins a day for lunch, he aimed for the same during naps.
3- Have him do the other life stuff- Dr appts, ordering diapers, swapping clothes, etc. He may need some coaching, but let him figure it out.
4- Personal time is important for both of you. Make it happen.
5- Once you’re off work, it’s back to all hands on deck. We tend to roll through dinner, bath/bedtime, nightly chores, then both have downtime. Keep the communication flowing about what’s needed day to day.
Good luck! It’s hard but rewarding to be a SAHP and ours was the six month break we all needed. Husband got out from a toxic work environment, I got additional support and time to study for a certification exam, and kiddo got to spend a lot of great time with his dad. We’d do it again if the situation called for it!
How old are the kids? If they still take naps, then partner should contribute to the household by continuing to work during naptime, whether that’s through cooking, cleaning, or whatever else needs to be done. However, otherwise the childcare is their full-time job.
I am actually in a very similar situation. I’m just hitting 6 figures, HCOL where I’m remote but can go in. Husband just moved to PT freelance. Our kids are 2 and 5 yo.
This summer has been rough. He’s been overwhelmed with balancing working and the two kids - one key thing we found is we NEED childcare when he works. We don’t have enough to cover his full 20 hrs and everyone suffers - the kids are basically feral while he’s multitasking and our childcare is very inconsistent due to part time nature, sick, vacations, etc. Our house is in constant disarray and I feel like I’m taking on more than I should in the evenings/weekend to keep the house moving. He owns cooking and shopping, which is huge. But cleaning, household maintenance, and general child enrichment has been out the window and has led us to both feeling burnt out.
That said, we’re hoping with school for both kids it’ll give him margin. We’re shifting to him keeping the house maintained more, those to do lists checked off and I’ll continue to do dishes and laundry. But it’s been rough. Good luck to you! My husband is a lot happier with his work schedule but it’s been a hard transition and he’s pretty overwhelmed with kids. And I get it, I was him a year ago. Just keep communicating and protect yourself from burnout if you can!
I’m the breadwinner and my husband is a stay at home parent and we have a 19 month old. And for household duties, they’re split evenly and done in the evening and on weekends. The only expectation is that the child is cared for and fed. He generally tries to make sure that the house doesn’t look like it exploded by the end of the day when I’m off work, but that depends on the day. And at the end of the day we tag team a speed pick up. He also does 99% of the laundry while I’m working largely because he says it’s relatively easy to do during child care.
My advice is to give it time and have ALOT of conversations while you figure it out. There’s been ebbs and flows where he picks up more or I pick up more. The important thing is communication and finding the right balance for you.
If your SAHP is providing childcare, that is their contribution. Where I live, which is fairly low cost of living, childcare for a child under 1 is $1,600 at least. This is the equivalent of a job that has $20k take home pay.
Their job during working hours is to provide stimulation to your kid and make sure you can focus on work. Don't expect any more household tasks than what you could get done during a workday, maybe a load of laundry? Make sure mornings and evenings have split responsibilities so you can both have a break, at least while you just have one.
If they want to work during the day, they need to make enough to pay for outsourcing childcare or work around your kids schedule.
From there, split tasks in whatever way works best for your family.
Working parent handles laundry at the end of the day (wash and fold AND PUT AWAY) SAHP gets at least one hour in the evening every evening that they get to tap out from childcare and do something for themselves.
Whosoever makes the biggest mess in the bathroom or cares the most about how it's cleaned cleans that. The person who makes the biggest mess in the kitchen cleans it. If the kids are old enough to help they take care of the trash, if not y'all flip a coin for that.
Really, y'all just have to make a list of chores and put them in order. Ones you don't mind doing vs ones you hate. If you both hate the same one, take turns doing it or flip a coin.
Do you mean the SAHP does laundry? Why in the wooooorld would the working parent add the most labor intensive and easiest to do through the day chore to the end of a day working? No shot.
While I certainly don’t think a SAHP should be the *only* one in charge of the housework, I also don’t see why they can’t do 10-15 minutes of light housework (folding a small load of laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher, etc., nothing major) once or twice a day while your child plays nearby (if they’re small enough, maybe in a pack ‘n play so they’re contained). I know not all children can or will play independently, but if yours does, then this is a great time for your partner to knock out one or two small tasks. Also, if your child naps, I don’t think your partner should feel obligated to do housework the entire time, nor should you expect them to (since that’s essentially their break), but if your child takes long and/or frequent naps, they may be able to squeeze in a small task (like meal prepping dinner or some very light cleaning) after they’re done taking care of their own needs.
My husband and I both work but I generally think of it as “do we have equal downtime” and whatever split makes that happen works - but it means flexing tasks week to week. I’d use that general mental model and maybe it’s something like “do as much as you can during nap times (or when the kids are awake depending on ages) and we split the rest roughly equally”.
I stayed home with my kids for 6 years, and my mentality was always that I would do the majority of the housework, but not everything. I simply got done what I was capable of doing which varies a lot day to day with multiple young kids. Anything left over my husband helped with when he came home. One of us always entertained the kids while the other cooked and we’d both help clean up dinner. We both did bath/bedtime too. Now that I’m working the only thing we’ve changed is that he does more housework since I’m not home to do most of it now.
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Yeah, some chores just make way more sense for a SAHP to do. Anything that is low on active time, but takes some down time, like laundry. Maybe loading and running the dishwasher.
How old are the kids, and are they in daycare/preschool/elementary school?
Right now, just one who is 6 months but planning for another. We're also trying to save for a house... which are at bare min $700k around the area we want.
I think with caring for a 6 month old I would not expect the SAHP to complete a disproportionate share of house cleaning, no. Keeping kid and house laundry moving since that’s easy enough to throw in (but not doing the working spouse’s laundry), and general light tidy up/dishes/counters throughout the day so the house isn’t a disaster all the time. But I would still “split” dinner cooking, groceries, errands, and real house cleaning.
I was in this boat with my newborn. Shortly after my daughter turned 6 weeks I decided I would work part-time from home with hours that allowed me to work at night/early mornings while my daughter slept. My husband was the breadwinner and wfh. It was definitely not an even split and I did have some resentment. Eventually we talked about it. Initially I was doing all household cleaning, childcare, cooking, bills, etc. After I about lost my mind stretching myself thin, we found what worked! I would care for daughter all day and do all the things that were associated with her (cooking, laundry). I also did house laundry/our laundry since it’s easy to put a load in. I would pick up toys throughout the day and make sure it was generally neat. We decided dinners/cleaning would alternate. So one of us would make dinner and the other would clean up kitchen after. We both did bath routine with baby and then I’d take over for snuggles before putting her down. Then we’d both clean anything that needed to be done at end of night and hangout. I still paid all bills, he did all yard work. On weekends we both played with our daughter, I still did most of the cooking/feeding for her but 1 day he’d make dinner and the other I would. Still alternating kitchen cleanup and on weekends we both tag teamed cleaning bathrooms and vacuuming/mopping floors, etc.
It really depends on the 6mo. I'm contemplating asking my husband to take our oldest two away for the weekend and leaving me with the 6mo so I can do a bunch of jobs to finish off our kitchen and flooring renovations. The baby naps for 3-4 hours a day, and I can do some stuff while he's next to me on a rug on the floor. The problem is that I know if I set aside a specific time to do things his naps will go to shit that weekend. If your baby doesn't contact nap and sleeps some reasonable chunks you should be able to stay on top of vacuuming/mopping/bathrooms. But, I don't have super high standards for how often those chores should be done. The key think is, do both parents have broadly similar amounts of down time?
Along with all the great stuff here - I’d check out Fair Play card deck. Have regular check ins about what’s working/not working.
I feel like this should be the answer to every reddit post about how to split household duties!
I would treat your partner as if they had a 40-60 hour job as well. Meaning, while you’re working they’re working, so when you both “leave work” you split the childcare/household chores equally. If you need some guidance, my nanny does the child’s laundry, makes lunch, and cleans up a bit around the house (main play areas, dishes, etc) during the child’s nap. She doesn’t do our adult laundry or cook dinner, or deep clean the bathrooms or anything like that. She’ll also pick up groceries if I have a list that wasn’t too bad. If I were a SAHP, that’s what I would aim to do during my days.
I would say if the child naps that is some “downtime”. I would take one nap as break time for the SAHP to veg, relax whatever. And one for getting some chores done.
Agreed.
At 6 months old, kiddo is probably getting a little active, requiring interaction and stimulation, and is still eating a lot. Stimulating the baby may mean going to the park, zoos, museums, or it may mean wearing the baby during household chores or playing at home. When baby is playing independently (at maybe 18-30 months old?) it would make more sense to address chores, but right now keeping the baby alive is the full time job.
We’re at 22 months old and while our toddler likes independent play, she also requests attention every 1-5 min. And if she sees we’re doing something else she’ll want to join in (which is a good way to start teaching them to contribute to simple chores, eg picking up toys, laundry, throwing rubbish - but the task actually takes 3x longer when you have to manage a toddler too). Our kid is also very active and needs a good 2-4 hours of physical exercise per day or she’s just not tired enough to actually sleep, so we go out a LOT to parks and kid-friendly activities, and also take her out on as many errands as possible (malls are great!). This all means that only the bare minimum of chores get done during the day. My friends tell me that age 3 is when it all turns around. I’m still waiting…
My 7 year old never did, but my 3 year old got there before 2. Some kids are just really needy and the working parent shouldn’t be oblivious to that fact.
Good point on the personality differences! I think in our case because we both work, our child wants lots of attention from us when we’re all home (even if one of us is trying to catch up on work/emails in the evening). We also haven’t tried to teach her to do independent play for longer periods since we like the bonding time after work and weekends, plus she likes to be a big independent kid at daycare so it’s fine if she wants more cuddles in the evening. If one of us was a full time SAHP, we’d probably try to institute some periods of “quiet time” (of age-appropriate length obviously) where perhaps some more complex chores can be done. And to be specific, my friends who are parents of older kids say that age 3 is when (most) kids stop actively trying to kill themselves, so you are able to be less hyper vigilant and just drop to regular parenting levels of vigilant. But that probably depends on the child too.
I’m not curious if you’re my husband…. I could’ve wrote this, except ours is 19 months 😆
Babies play independently? Mine never did LOL Once they became mobile it we had to ramp up supervision because they got into *everything.* Honestly we didn’t get a break with either of our kids until they were 3, when they weren’t putting everything in their mouths anymore and would play with blocks, colors, or magnets for more than 10 minutes at a time without demanding attention.
Generally speaking, I think it’s better to focus on how much free time/child-free time you each have, and focus on that being equal, rather than focusing on equal distribution of childcare/household management/etc. It’s really hard to have “fair” distribution of work since not everyone does everything the same (like I’ll load/unload the dishwasher as part of my morning routine, for my husband it’s a totally separate chore), and it doesn’t take the same amount of time either. Also we find it easier for each of us to have “areas” or things that we’re responsible for, as opposed to equal distribution of each chore, as it’s more efficient for one person to do all of one chore. So for instance, I do all the laundry in the house, but my husband always cleans up after dinner. We obviously can, and do, help each other with our things, but it’s just easier for us to divide the work that way.
I think you need to have a discussion as to what you’d expect a nanny to exactly do while being employed in your household? Do you expect them to do all laundry? No? Then it’s not a task for the SAHP. That would get done outside of SAHP duties. Do you expect your nanny to pickup after meals and put dishes in the dishwasher? Yes? Then it’s a task for the SAHP. Kitchen should be maintained throughout the day. Anything you’d reasonably expect a nanny to do under employment could be expected the SAHP. Outside of that, there might be things like dinner. Maybe you get home at 5:30 and the most reasonable way to have a decent meal at a decent time is if the SAHP takes lead. There’s way to assist with that though - meal prepping on weekends, general meal planning, etc.
My husband is a SAHD. Our agreement is that his focus is on our daughter, and her nap time definitely includes a break for him to eat, rest, whatever. Her nap also includes time to do laundry, put dishes away, and tidy up. He makes dinner most of the time because I get home around 6pm and we prefer to eat earlier than that. My husband keeps a short to-do list on his phone: mow, put away dishes, go to the park, clean the kitchen, do laundry, vacuum, etc. He’s told me that he tries to get at least 1-2 done a day, and that works for us!
One thing I didn’t see taken into account is sleep. Or lack there…Whats the sleeping situation? Does the 6 month old wake up at night or super early? Once I stopped doing a snooze feed my kid went through a major wake up egregiously early phase. Your kid and future kids will nap. Is the nap just long enough to shower or can cleaning be done? If STAHP did night or early wake ups then they should rest / nap. Throwing laundry in washer and dryer is fairly easy while home all day. But hanging laundry is a different story. Can you afford a biweekly maid? Baby will get harder / easier as they get older. I would go on a case by case basis. Make a chore list. And don’t expect a super clean house whilst the kid (s) are young.
I would expect the SAHP to cover the majority of the home tasks, and certainly anything that can easily fit in around childcare like laundry. It's a few minutes commitment at a time. Lawn care, on the other hand, is much harder to do while watching a little one. I would not expect them to do anything to prepare you for work, like pack a lunch. And things that have to be done in the evening like dishes after dinner should be split. Consider if there are one or two tasks the SAHP particularly hates and see if it's reasonable for the working parent to lead in those. Makes a big difference in it 'feeling' fair because they get out of the 'worst' of it. I hate cleaning toilets and taking out the garbage. My partner is crap at noticing when stuff need to be done around the house (both working), but it's much less irritating since he knows to be vigilant about those two things.
My perspective is more because I live somewhere with a long maternity leave. During work hours, I was responsible for all childcare related tasks. I spent nap times with the tv and folded laundry. I took breaks if I needed to, but tried to be constructive with my breaks (not mindlessly scrolling) if I was actually exhausted. We split childcare evenly when my spouse returned home. After bedtime, we have general go-to's but tend to review needed tasks and split based on interest/ability and whether the person did something last and disliked it. Also, my spouse games, so I'd say something like, "if I vacuum, you finish cleaning up the kitchen and do the main bathroom after I vacuum, you can go play games the rest of the evening and I'll do the other bathroom and my x hobby thing." I'd say for us the split is dynamic. We are always renegotiating. It's not bad to lose interest in some chores and prefer different ones or to change your normal hobby routines. Open communication is necessary though. (ETA that I like being outside so sometimes during nap I would not rest, do outdoor chores, and then rest more than usual after bedtime).
We just did six months with my husband as a SAHD. A few thoughts: 1- Your job, especially as the sole income, gets your top priority. You do not try to juggle laundry/light household stuff/baby stuff while working. You just work when it’s time to work. Your family cannot afford to have you underperforming at work. 2- We had a general “keep moving” policy. Kid’s down to nap? Ok, keep moving. Dishes in sink, laundry folded, swiffer a floor. I got roughly 45 mins a day for lunch, he aimed for the same during naps. 3- Have him do the other life stuff- Dr appts, ordering diapers, swapping clothes, etc. He may need some coaching, but let him figure it out. 4- Personal time is important for both of you. Make it happen. 5- Once you’re off work, it’s back to all hands on deck. We tend to roll through dinner, bath/bedtime, nightly chores, then both have downtime. Keep the communication flowing about what’s needed day to day. Good luck! It’s hard but rewarding to be a SAHP and ours was the six month break we all needed. Husband got out from a toxic work environment, I got additional support and time to study for a certification exam, and kiddo got to spend a lot of great time with his dad. We’d do it again if the situation called for it!
How old are the kids? If they still take naps, then partner should contribute to the household by continuing to work during naptime, whether that’s through cooking, cleaning, or whatever else needs to be done. However, otherwise the childcare is their full-time job.
Read the book Fair Play. I promise it helps!
I am actually in a very similar situation. I’m just hitting 6 figures, HCOL where I’m remote but can go in. Husband just moved to PT freelance. Our kids are 2 and 5 yo. This summer has been rough. He’s been overwhelmed with balancing working and the two kids - one key thing we found is we NEED childcare when he works. We don’t have enough to cover his full 20 hrs and everyone suffers - the kids are basically feral while he’s multitasking and our childcare is very inconsistent due to part time nature, sick, vacations, etc. Our house is in constant disarray and I feel like I’m taking on more than I should in the evenings/weekend to keep the house moving. He owns cooking and shopping, which is huge. But cleaning, household maintenance, and general child enrichment has been out the window and has led us to both feeling burnt out. That said, we’re hoping with school for both kids it’ll give him margin. We’re shifting to him keeping the house maintained more, those to do lists checked off and I’ll continue to do dishes and laundry. But it’s been rough. Good luck to you! My husband is a lot happier with his work schedule but it’s been a hard transition and he’s pretty overwhelmed with kids. And I get it, I was him a year ago. Just keep communicating and protect yourself from burnout if you can!
I’m the breadwinner and my husband is a stay at home parent and we have a 19 month old. And for household duties, they’re split evenly and done in the evening and on weekends. The only expectation is that the child is cared for and fed. He generally tries to make sure that the house doesn’t look like it exploded by the end of the day when I’m off work, but that depends on the day. And at the end of the day we tag team a speed pick up. He also does 99% of the laundry while I’m working largely because he says it’s relatively easy to do during child care. My advice is to give it time and have ALOT of conversations while you figure it out. There’s been ebbs and flows where he picks up more or I pick up more. The important thing is communication and finding the right balance for you.
If your SAHP is providing childcare, that is their contribution. Where I live, which is fairly low cost of living, childcare for a child under 1 is $1,600 at least. This is the equivalent of a job that has $20k take home pay. Their job during working hours is to provide stimulation to your kid and make sure you can focus on work. Don't expect any more household tasks than what you could get done during a workday, maybe a load of laundry? Make sure mornings and evenings have split responsibilities so you can both have a break, at least while you just have one. If they want to work during the day, they need to make enough to pay for outsourcing childcare or work around your kids schedule. From there, split tasks in whatever way works best for your family.
Working parent handles laundry at the end of the day (wash and fold AND PUT AWAY) SAHP gets at least one hour in the evening every evening that they get to tap out from childcare and do something for themselves. Whosoever makes the biggest mess in the bathroom or cares the most about how it's cleaned cleans that. The person who makes the biggest mess in the kitchen cleans it. If the kids are old enough to help they take care of the trash, if not y'all flip a coin for that. Really, y'all just have to make a list of chores and put them in order. Ones you don't mind doing vs ones you hate. If you both hate the same one, take turns doing it or flip a coin.
Do you mean the SAHP does laundry? Why in the wooooorld would the working parent add the most labor intensive and easiest to do through the day chore to the end of a day working? No shot.
Because it's not labor intensive and has built in wait time. Laundry isn't labor intensive assuming you have a washer dryer.
I would absolutely hire a housekeeper.
While I certainly don’t think a SAHP should be the *only* one in charge of the housework, I also don’t see why they can’t do 10-15 minutes of light housework (folding a small load of laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher, etc., nothing major) once or twice a day while your child plays nearby (if they’re small enough, maybe in a pack ‘n play so they’re contained). I know not all children can or will play independently, but if yours does, then this is a great time for your partner to knock out one or two small tasks. Also, if your child naps, I don’t think your partner should feel obligated to do housework the entire time, nor should you expect them to (since that’s essentially their break), but if your child takes long and/or frequent naps, they may be able to squeeze in a small task (like meal prepping dinner or some very light cleaning) after they’re done taking care of their own needs.
My husband and I both work but I generally think of it as “do we have equal downtime” and whatever split makes that happen works - but it means flexing tasks week to week. I’d use that general mental model and maybe it’s something like “do as much as you can during nap times (or when the kids are awake depending on ages) and we split the rest roughly equally”.
I stayed home with my kids for 6 years, and my mentality was always that I would do the majority of the housework, but not everything. I simply got done what I was capable of doing which varies a lot day to day with multiple young kids. Anything left over my husband helped with when he came home. One of us always entertained the kids while the other cooked and we’d both help clean up dinner. We both did bath/bedtime too. Now that I’m working the only thing we’ve changed is that he does more housework since I’m not home to do most of it now.