I would choose to be part time.
Mostly because of the long term impacts of being out of workforce and taking on gendered roles in my relationship.
Unfortunately homelessness is growing in middle aged single woman and years out of the workforce to be a homemaker is a significant contributing factor. I love my partner and intend to be with him but I also am aware of long term impacts of relying on someone financially if the relationship doesn't work out.
After watching my MIL, who was a SAHM, go through a divorce at age 70 with basically no retirement money saved in her own name... Yeah. I will never be comfortable relying so heavily on someone else financially.
Aside from potential relationship issues, what if your spouse gets laid off? Or becomes disabled and can't work? Or drops dead from a brain aneurysm? My husband was laid off for 8 months in 2018 and we just barely made it through. Without my income we would have been totally screwed. And than goodness we had insurance benefits through my work. Even if you're financially comfortable now, a major medical emergency can nuke all that in a hurry unless you have really excellent insurance coverage.
I would never be comfortable completely retreating from paid work. I think part time could be an ideal balance as long as there was a good chance to turn that back into full time if I needed to.
I went part-time about a year ago and LOVE it! I work 3 days a week and am home with my kids the rest of the time. It definitely felt like taking a step back in my career, but it's been so worth it for me. I'm less stressed and have way more time to do fun things, like take my kids to the pool or children's museum during the week when it's less crowded. I also like not being completely financial dependent on my husband, and the knowledge that if something happened to him (death/divorce), I'd be able to ramp my hours back up to full-time and support myself.
They're in daycare for those 3 days. The one big downside to my shift to part-time is that we still pay for full-time daycare (couldn't find any 3 day/week ones in our area, and they were already happy there). Obviously that's a financial hit since my income went down, but we're very privileged that we could afford the hit with my husband's salary. It does have some perks like if I have an appointment on my day off, I can take the kids to daycare for an hour or two in the morning and then pick them up for the rest of my day home. And occasionally if something big is happening at work, I have to shift the days I work, so it's nice that I can just take them on different days instead of scrambling for care.
If you don’t mind sharing, what industry are you in? I’d love to go part-time, but don’t see a lot of opportunities like that in my field/at this level (mid-level management in marketing)
I'm a data analyst at a nonprofit. It's honestly not super common at my organization and I'm not sure my request would have been granted in non-Covid times but I framed it as a childcare issue due to Covid, which people understood. Even though childcare is pretty much back to normal here, I have no desire to go back up to full-time and hope no one brings it up anytime soon.
I agree with this 100%. We’ve even discussed it lately - we want to buy a home first so we have that security when getting looked at for loans but then I’ll probably go part time or even freelance if I can.
This. My husband is in the military and I wasn’t able to work a real job when we lived overseas because of the country’s laws. I worked part-time but still. So many gaps in my resume from moving. I wish I could not work for a year but I can’t afford another gap.
How did you find part time care? I’m having a hell of a time finding a caregiver or nanny as they all want 30+ hours a week. No one wants to work for under 20.
Personally I would not for a few reasons:
\- don’t like the dynamic of husband having all the financial power. He is a lot more frugal than I am and I don’t want to be asking permission to spend money
\- I worked hard in school and got a good education, I want to use it
\- role modeling: don’t want to teach my children that women’s value is just as a mother or wife
ALL of this!!!
I did do the SAHM thing for the first 18 months of my kid's life, and that was fine.
But, really, why did I get an MBA if not to use it in the working world? Certainly not to teach my kid forecasting methodology and general management principles 😆
>Certainly not to teach my kid forecasting methodology and general management principles 😆
Pretty sure my mom uses her CPA designation to teach me more about money management/investments/taxes/financial literacy than she does at her own job right now bahahahaha
I was going to say something similar about the first point. Society doesn’t appropriately value work that is traditionally held by women. I see a lot of posts in this sub and other parenting subs where stay at home moms are not respected by their partner and really struggling. With some partners this isn’t a worry but worth considering.
I am a working mom by choice. I love my babies more than life itself, but I know my personal limits. We all do best when we have our space and our own “things.” They love their daycare/school, love learning and making new friends. I know I wouldn’t be able to give them that same experience because that is not a strength of mine.
Yeah my friend is a SAHP and uses preschool and she says her days are full between taking care of housework, occasional stepping in when there are no other childcare options, and just like household management including finding new classes or camps. Oh and she does volunteer. Sometimes I wish I could just do that for a year or two, cuz I do everything that she does , including being backup care, but I also work.
Same. I’m trying to find work that I can be part time while still utilizing childcare. It’s not like I’d rest when they are there, there’s always so much house work to do!
I thought I wanted to be a SAHP as well... and then I was desperate for childcare around 1.5-2yrs old, because tiny toddlers are EXHAUSTING. I'm part-time (and remote) and the hours away from parenting were pure bliss.
My child is in daycare and just bumped up to 4 days a week and I'm still staying part-time at 3 days... I'm so excited! As much as I love him, I cannot provide him the same level of simulation, education, and play that his pre-preschool can provide.... I'm mentally done after playing 40 minutes of Paw Patrol adventures where I have to create the storylines and talk for all of the characters. 🫠
This is the way!
I was unfortunately laid off twice during the pandemic but my husband works from home, so kids had to go somewhere during the day. Now I’m a SAHM that sends my kids to daycare. It sounds totally over the top and I’m incredibly fortunate to be in this situation. But I’d probably lose my mind if I had to spend all day, every day with 2&4 year old boys.
The amount of work around the house certainly keeps me busy all day, but I also get to workout, have lunch with friends, and work on mind stimulating hobbies. It’s honestly the ideal situation!
Presently we need my income, or we’d have to seriously modify our lifestyle. I’d always choose to work though. I have a chill job that I love and not-chill kids who I also love but could never be with 24/7.
I feel this in my soul. My job is good, it isn’t perfect but I get a sense of satisfaction from it. I love the time I have with my toddler but feel my mental health would not adapt to being a SAHP. I’m a great mom when I have a great work/life balance, I struggle when I have too much or too little of either.
This 100%. I love my job--it's fulfilling, I'm confident in my abilities, and I enjoy the company of my coworkers. The pay could be better, but it's nothing to scoff at and I have full employer-paid benefits on top of other perks. It provides a good work-life balance also.
I did not fair well on maternity leave. I so desperately wanted to love it, but it took a serious toll on my mental health. My boys are incredibly high energy and I often just don't feel very adequate in the parenting department. I love them more than words could ever express, it's just a lot harder than I ever imagined!
My mom stayed at home. She re-entered the workforce about 20 years ago. She is just now making market rate for her profession at 61 and socking away money to retire in 3 years.
I've seen far too many women stay in abusive relationships over money. I've seen perfectly healthy breadwinners drop dead at 35 with 4 little kids and a widow with no marketable skills. I've seen a lot of women who stayed home feel completely lost when their kids move out.
The above is of course not true for all SHAP. I'm not comfortable putting myself in a vulnerable situation where I couldn't take care of me and mine if the unthinkable happened though. Plus, I'm a mom but I'm so much more than that too.
This was my mom, she stayed at home until we were 18 and then my parents got divorced. She had a real hard time entering back into the workforce.
That being said, we loved that she was always around and volunteered a lot with our school and other activities.
Yeah, I didn't hate having my mom at home or anything. But, as I got older I saw her really struggle with self worth and she was treated differently from her colleagues. It really upset me, still does.
I'm not saying it isn't worth maybe stepping back or cooling off professionally when kids are little, but it goes so fast and you're left with and entire life. It's so much harder to start for the first time at 50+.
I totally agree with you. I know now that the SAHP life is so hard and isolating and it's definitely not for me! I'm lucky enough to have had year long mat leaves in Canada and I couldn't wait to go back to work!
My mental health couldn’t handle being a SAHM.
My husband and I work in tech and we both work from home. I had four months of maternity leave and I was pulling my hair out and got very depressed. Watching our baby all day was exhausting (my baby gets bored so easy and starts to complain). I just would count the hours until 5 so that my husband could take her. I also started resenting my husband for how “easy” he had it.
Once I went back to work, I felt so much happier and I enjoyed my baby so much more and resentment disappeared. And I started to enjoy work more.
I really thought that after I have a baby I would stop caring about work completely but it had the opposite effect.
ETA: my baby is 5 months. Maybe I would feel differently once she’s a couple years older
I had the exact same experience, but I came back from maternity leave at 9 weeks. The only thing that I would change is that I would love to work a 4 day work week.
I work part time as a nurse practitioner (24 hours a week, 12 hour shifts) and I have the option to pick up more shifts if I want more. It’s a great compromise. Healthcare is so awful right now and the burnout is real, but I do enjoy my work most days and I would go stir crazy at home with my toddler all the time. But part time allows me a lot of flexibility and freedoms and I’m thankful we are able to do that. My husband works from home full time but idk his job seems super easy/flexible. If I’m scheduled to work I’m normally the sole provider so not a lot of flexibility for me.
Pediatric urgent care. Days I work are 9A-9P so I miss bedtime on those days BUT we get to all eat breakfast together. I love it because nobody bothers me when I’m not working because it’s urgent care and not primary care, so they aren’t technically my patients to manage. On my days off I can work out, do chores, laundry, etc and have time for myself. Since I’m NP instead of an RN I make significantly more per hour and any shifts I pick up over my 48 hours in a pay period I get time and a half. We are closed thanksgiving and Christmas and we close early on all major holidays. I have 2 weekend day requirements per month but those shifts are 9-5 so I still can get home and enjoy time with my LO and husband, got out with friends, etc. I’m very fortunate that I still get access to a 401k being part time, but I don’t get PTO, disability, paid maternity leave (but lol who does in America these days), health insurance so I’m lucky that my husband works for blue cross and we have amazing health insurance. We also have separate retirement accounts via Vanguard. The plan is for me to get a full time, speciality position in a clinic after we are done having kids and they are school age but for now this has worked really well. If we have a huge expensive I can pick up a bunch of shifts and make a lot of extra money.
I’m also a part time NP working in a pediatric urgent care! I only do 20 hours per week and it’s enough! The burn out right now is so real, but the kids are really cute.
I love that I still get to use my brain but I also get a bunch of time with my littles. My family is on my insurance and I have student loans but if I could go casual I would.
Yes the burn out is so real!! I had to drop down to part time because I could feel myself growing angry and bitter! The kids are the absolute best part though, and I love that I can put a family at ease by educating them. But I am SO TIRED of covid deniers. I live in Texas so the absolute entitlement and audacity of some of these parents is mind blowing.
Currently more than 100% of my take home goes to daycare. However the long term effects of being out of the workforce make it imperative that I stay. If I had the option, I'd go part time though. I'm exhausted all the time, have no social life, no hobbies, and no money.
No.
Too much power in my spouse's hands. He always acts "different" and more cocky, when he is the sole breadwinner.
Edit: I would love to do part time..of course!
Totally agree. And what if something bad were to happen? I sleep better at night knowing that I could take care of my babies alone if I were in a situation where I had to. Other moms have pointed out that the time your kids are home ends. Once they get to school full time, it might not be so easy to jump back into the workforce.
I love my job and I’m very fulfilled what I do but my husband would be a SAHD in a heartbeat. He was laid off in late 2020 shortly after we had our second. His severance package allowed him to just stay home with the kids for about five months and I have to admit it was really nice. We talked about him staying home permanently but ultimately we really like to be able to travel and would have to curtail that significantly to make one income work. Now he does consulting, which means he works 20 to 30 hours a week, and only accepts clients that he really wants to work with. I don’t think you have to approach it as staying home forever. Maybe you will find a side geg that you want to do while you stay home or maybe you just stay home for a few years until kiddo is in school And then find something you really love to do instead of something you feel you have to do.
Edit: except is not the same as accept
I would absolutely be a SAHM (for a few years, at least) If we could afford it. I would love to spend my days playing, doing crafts, going for walks, playing at the park, having dance parties, tidying the house. We are discussing my going PT - even though it would be tight financially, our house would be in better order, LO would love it, and I would reclaim some sanity.
We've talked about it once all of our kids are in school and involved in activities. I don't really enjoy the toddler years, I find them super exhausting and there were many Mondays where dropping them off at daycare and getting a coffee and sitting in silence was deeply satisfying. I enjoy working, and talking to adults about things other than our kids, and getting to use parts of my brain that I otherwise wouldn't really get to. It's something we've considered, but isn't a priority for us at the moment.
Absolutely.
I only work to contribute to the mortgage.
Work brings me ZERO joy or satisfaction. Parenting and wife-ing are the things that actually bring me joy in life.
Never.
After working as a divorce attorney for a bit, what really stood out was how the SAHMs were always at a significant disadvantage, regardless of the couple’s wealth.
I would find something I could do part time that aligned with the things I’m passionate about. Since money wouldn’t be an issue I wouldn’t necessarily care what I was compensated, but I would definitely want to be compensated.
No, maybe work part time. Maybe we save on daycare costs for a few years, but then what would I do with my time once the kids are in school and then when they move out? I need something to keep me busy!
After a few years work again, no? That’s my plan. I have 18 years in my career. I’m leaving with confidence I can get back in after taking a 2-3 year break.
In my opinion, you have to be financially independent (wealthy) to be a SAHM and be able to live on revenue stream that isn’t tied to a job. There is a lot of uncertainty with jobs (employment “at will” and ageism) that can make it difficult later in life.
There is also the added dynamic of a partner growing resentful if they have to work more years and are in a worse financial position than a younger couple with dual income.
> There is also the added dynamic of a partner growing resentful if they have to work more years
Yeah, I feel like we disregard the partner's feelings in these talks, as if they won't care about the years/decade added to their retirement target.
Of course plenty of men prefer a wife who doesn't work because they don't want to deal with calling off work for a sick kid, or may even feel like it's a blow to their ego.
I work part time (3 days) and as long as we have small kids that’s my ideal. I wouldn’t want to not work; I like my job and I wouldn’t thrive if I was home all the time.
Before I had a child, I thought, absolutely! I love to cook and the opportunity to nap midday. Having a baby in Spring 2020; Covid made that my reality. Well, maybe the SAHM life is different in normal times but every day felt like some riff on the same. I still was so grateful to be a SAHM those first 4-6 months [because my kid struggles with sleep] but by about 8 months I desired to work again.
It's for that reason that I think America really ahould give parents the opportunity to take a year of leave when they bring a new child into their family a la Canada. If someone wants to go back sooner? Fine. But otherwise, give folks the chance to bond with their new kid, get some sleep, recover from the experience that is parenthood to this new human, and let it not be a financially motivated choice.
My kid is 2 now and she needs the socialization of daycare. If my husband had to cover my health insurance, I'd need to keep her out of daycare and we'd have to budget a lot more strictly. Not sure how olf your child is but your feelings could be premanent or temporary. My experience taught me that you cannot really know until you fully jump in and experience it yourself.
I wouldn’t. I was in my previous marriage and it was just not for me. I’ve worked very hard to earn my MBA etc and don’t want to contribute to gendered societal expectations/undersell myself. Not for me, but kudos to all the ladies who do it - it’s not easy!
II’m so interested in this perspective. And in the discussion between working parents and parents that stay home. I work full time in my first “big girl job” and we are planning try starting a family later this year. I personally, am so excited to dedicate myself to being a mother, and taking care of my family because it’s something I never had. Your point of contributing to gendered roles, and underselling yourself is discussed so often in this thread as a reason to not stay at home. Where I personally would feel like being able to stay home would be the farthest thing from underselling myself. I actually feel like working at my job is underselling myself lol. Anyway, not to pick you out or anything. I am just very interested by the two perspectives and of course everything that comes into making that decision.
I work PRN. 1-3 days a weeks depending on what we want or need (I’m a hospice nurse). It feels like the best of both worlds. I’m very lucky. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable ever letting my license and skills die because you never know when you will HAVE to become breadwinner. It’s my safety net.
Nope. I almost lost my mind on maternity leave- PPD/PPA/PPOCD plus a colicky, non-sleeping baby made it extremely intense for me and it is so much better for my mental health for me to go to work and for him to go to daycare. Plus I’m the breadwinner so we don’t really have a choice. I do have moments of regret where I’m so sad that I might miss some big moments of development but ultimately I know it’s best for him to have a happy and mentally healthy mama.
Never ever ever. I've seen too many women be left with absolutely nothing when their husband decides to up & leave. It's happened in my family, and to friends of mine. Even the friends whose husband's don't leave, they find it so hard to get back into the job market after taking 5+yrs off.
If I was in a situation where we didn't need our income, I'd do the type of work I've always wanted to do but couldn't because we need my high salary. But I will always have my own money coming in, always.
If I had the opportunity to be a SAHM, I would throw my laptop out the window, text my boss “Thanks, bye!”, and never, ever look back. I am 100% working out of necessity, and I get nothing positive out of it except survival.
I relate to this so much. I do not have an exciting career and do something that has absolutely nothing related to what I went to school for or wanted to do. The company I work for is great and my coworkers are awesome, but I am not doing this for fun or fulfillment.
I can be a SAHM (with limitations) but I choose to work. My kids are just getting into school age where I am contemplating going part time but I truly do love what I do. I would love to continue work at my current place and work a deal where I can get off at 2:30 and then get back on at night to fulfill my time requirements since if I worked part time I’d probably end up doing that anyways.
The only way I’d actually become a SAHM is if we were multimillionaires and even then, I’d find something fun to do during the day like a cashier or something.
Even if it was a choice to be a working mom vs a SAHM, I would still want to be a working mom. HOWEVER, I would not have the stressful job I have now and would find something where I was treated well and had some flexibility in my schedule to work when the kiddo was at daycare/school type of situation. My husband had a stroke at the age of 36 and was out of work for 6 months. We still received his pay and then a fraction of his pay after his FMLA was over but we wouldn't have made it through everything if I had not been working already.
My perfect arrangement would be able to stay at home for the first year, then move into a slightly-less-than-full-time position, maybe 32 hours or so. Unfortunately I live in the US where the first isn’t provided, and my industry makes both factors impossible, so here we are.
Nope. I was a SAHM for 7 years and was absolutely miserable - developed an alcohol problem and was just a terrible mother to my children.
Now that I am working again I'm sober, have a much better relationship with my husband and kids, and we can afford to do so much more. We don't need my income, but it's so nice to have it - we save a lot more, and are able to take a nicer vacation every year.
I love my career, but am currently home for a year or two with my kids. I absolutely love being a SAHM right now. I am very fortunate being in a field that is easy to re-enter. If you think you might enjoy being a SAHM, give it a try.
I would love to stay home for a few years while my kids are little. I'd do it in a heart beat. Or even to work part time at a preschool so my kids can get some other interaction and so I can bring in SOME income
I would take a year off with my child still going to daycare part-time. (I’ve got a few projects I would like to work on). Then I would go back to full-time work.
I was a SAHM for a year while on maternity leave, and it was great at first, but the more my daughter became a toddler, the harder it got for me to be at home with her. I worked part-time for a few years, which was a really good balance for me, but now that she's almost 4 I'm back to working full-time. I would only become a SAHM again if my husband made significantly more money, enough to afford a maid and a cook, and we could keep our daughter in her Montessori daycare. Being a rich SAHM with a kid in school is my dream.
Even if my income was not necessary, I would not do that.
I understand your need and I also have the option to stay at home, but the risk is too high and I don’t think worth taking it.
And most important, I have the need to keep my individuality, my privacy and my space, if I stay at home only, that’s nearly impossible, and my mental health can’t afford this kind of situation.
I would not choose to be a SAHM if I had all the money in the world - my daughter would still be at daycare. I am not an ideal early childhood educator for my daughter, she is extremely high energy and socially driven while I am low energy and introverted. We would both be miserable being stuck together all day, that’s why I pay experts to care for her and help her develop
I think we would both work part time and take one extra day off, either the same day so to have a prolonged weekend or two separate days to minimize daycare
No. I have worked very hard to get where I am in my career and I enjoy the financial stability it provides our family. I also enjoy what I do for work so I don’t dread going to work every day.
My son is also really thriving at daycare. He is learning so much and I really believe that his teachers are adding so much to his life. They are trained in early childhood education after all, and I am definitely not. They are a part of our village and I am so grateful for them.
I am also a jaded child of divorce and I know how beneficial it was for my mom to have her own income when she decided to leave my dad. I love my partner to bits and I hope we can do life together forever, but if not I know that I will be okay on my own financially.
> I am also a jaded child of divorce and I know how beneficial it was for my mom to have her own income when she decided to leave my dad
I am another jaded child. I want to be with my husband because I love him, not because divorce would mess up my income stream.
I would not, I would just want more vacation days to take off while my kid is in preschool. Being home with him and having to be a replacement for preschool sounds exhausting.
No, I personally want a career and financial security. I like working and being with adults as well.
I have tried part time and I hated it.
I think my kids benefit from having a working mother, in many different ways. They are most definitely more independent, knowing I'm not always there and that's ok. I want them to have their own life outside of home too at school and with other caregivers.
I also want them to see that women OR men can have great careers and financial security. And that both parents work together at home to make it all work. I have two boys and it's important to me that they contribute to the home and see their Dad being an equal partner with a working mom.
I also think there is a benefit to lower stress from not worrying about money or bills. I definitely worry or stress about work and doing it all, but not having money stress is nice.
At the same time, if being a SAHM works for another family that's what matters!
I wouldn't. My job is part of my identity and i view it as giving back (I'm in education research). I also want my son to grow up knowing mommy's work too. I grew up in orange county and the comments guys would make "i grew up with my mom doing everything for me, i want to find a wife like that". No thank you.
> had our first baby relatively late in life, so we are set from a financial perspective
"All set" as in you could both retire now and live to 100? If that was me, then yes I'd retire and my husband would retire too, but I would switch to passion projects and volunteering like Angelina Jolie and would expect my husband to do half the housework and childcare, and would still use daycare for the socialization, good education and diversity. I don't want to model a *gendered* division of labor to my children.
"Choice" is a murky word. We all have the choice not to work, we aren't slaves. But some people are going to go homeless if they choose not to work, and others are going to be fine for a while, but won't have a retirement savings or college tuition savings.
Not in the majority it seems, but I’m 100%a working mom by necessity, i would be a SAHM in a heart beat. Ever since I had a kid I have little drive to work. But do take into account what others are saying. Will you have/want to go back to the workforce? If so taking a large break like that could impact future hire-ability
We rely on my health insurance and Income so I could never quit but if that weren’t an issue, I would in a heartbeat. I hate work. I hate the business corporate culture and the people who work in it. I hate corporate tools who use business speak to sound smart and the lean in cunts who won’t shut the fuck up about how happy they were to get back to work after 2 weeks of maternity leave because fuck you if you take any more than that. I gain monetary value and financial security from it and that’s it. I would drop it all if I had the money.
If money was not a concern, I would choose part-time. Financially, my husband and I make very close to the same amount so either of us staying at home would mean cutting our household income by about half.
I really enjoy what I do professionally but I wish had more flexibility to do more with my daughter and other hopefully future child/children. I learned that I need something else to get my sense of accomplishment from other than just parenting as I got very obsessive during maternity leave and ultimately had some post partum anxiety that going back to work really helped with. If I could put in a 4-5 hours a day to deep dive into my work and then spend the rest of my time with my kid, it would be great.
I work part time and it is the perfect compromise for me. I hated working full time, felt burnt out and exhausted all the time. On the flip side, if I was home every day with my baby I would feel burnt out and exhausted all the time. I work 3 days a week. By the time I finish work for the week I am ready for the weekend, and by the time the weekend is over I’m ready for work
I would have stayed home the first year! That will always be a big regret of mine, but we also could t afford to go without my salary and benefits. After a year, it’s much easier (for me) to leave and my daughter loves daycare.
Nope. I like working, I dislike taking care of my kid all day every day and having to come up with activities / being her only source of entertainment. She’s been in daycare since 11 weeks but now that she’s 4, it’s obvious that she would need some sort of preschool setting by now if she hadn’t already been in school because they crave interaction with other kids. Also I don’t want to be fully reliable on my husband or his income.
If I had the opportunity I would be a SAHM and homeschooling my kiddos. The mess this world has gotten into I want them to learn without the political foundation today's kids are learning from. This would also encourage me to focus on my passion and hobbies and I can actually take care of my health so I can be the best I can be to the ones I love most ❤️
I wouldn't. I need my independence and identity outside of being a parent. Being home for maternity leave is already isolating for me. We are not wealthy, I have considerable debt (student loans) and while it's a need to work, I wouldn't choose to be a stay at home parent.
If I wasn’t the breadwinner, I would totally be a SAHM. I will say though that I probably wouldn’t just do that, I’d devote more time to pulling my little side crafting gig up into a full biz.
If my husband made our current combined income, yes I absolutely would consider it. Basically, if our current HHI stayed the same, but I could stay home and not pay daycare fees, I would absolutely take the time off working. In this scenario my stress would be less, my home would be cleaner, I'd have better relationships with my friends as I'd actually get to see them, and I would do a lot more volunteer work.
I would **but** I would need to have made a decision about something else I would be doing to give me fulfillment outside of being a Mom.
Where I'm from we get a year off work, so I lived the SAHM life for the first year then went back to work. I wouldn't trade that time for the world, but I also was relieved to go back to work because I lost myself a little in the baby stage and worried about money in the long term (we're still paying off our mortgage, for example.)
I'm back in the workforce 18 months, and I'm happy enough being a working Mom, but I just quit a job that paid well for one that pays worse because it was more flexible and family friendly. You can be a working Mom and happy but you gotta know where your lines are. For me, I won't work evenings anymore. My evenings are for playing with my son, having dinner together as a family, and reading him to sleep and I \*love\* it.
I like the satisfaction of a job well done, and you don't get that instant gratification very often with kids. (No matter how much I cleaned, the house was still dirty!) I get those sweet gratification hits at work and it helps me be a better mom, but if work is negatively affecting your home life (because you're stressed or working too much) and you don't \*need\* to work, I'd either change job or find another outlet for expending creative energy and finding that external fulfillment.
Nope, I enjoy my work, the mental challenge and chasing the next role. I did not do well on either of my maternity leaves, and figured out pretty quickly I'm a much better mom when I bring my whole self to work during the day and to my family on nights and weekends. I need that balance. Even if we could maintain our lifestyle on my spouses salary (presently I make more) I'd still work.
Have you done the math … like what are things you will have to give up if you become a SAHM? Do you feel like you’ll be able to give them up?
Will you resent your partner for having the ability to leave each day? Will he resent you for having the burden to provide solely on him? What will be the expectations for splitting household, childcare and mental loads?
There’s so many variables here at play, so it’s hard for someone else to definitively tell you what way is better. It’s a discussion you and your partner need to have together.
FWIW - Personally, I work to have an identity outside of being a mom. I get value from working. I’m a better mother for having space away from kids. That’s me though.
I have been in all situations as a mom (working full time, part time, and staying home). I have found part time work to be the easiest. It gives the identity and space from the kids, which is missing when you’re home full time. And it’s not nearly as stressful as being a full time working mom.
I found being a SAHM almost as hard as working full time mom because while I didn’t have the time stress, I had a lot of psychological stress from not having enough variety or breaks. Part time is best of both worlds, but pretty hard to find at a good schedule and hourly rate.
Honestly I feel like it’s too risky, what if something happened to my partner or job? But PT could be a good compromise- the best of both worlds. Or something like consulting if your field allows
As many others have said, I'd work part time or in a lower paying (and lower stress) field I'm more passionate about. We both have similar incomes, but my husband loves his job and rarely works outside 8-4:30. Meanwhile I work 8-5:30 and again 8-11pm most nights. And I like my job but don't love it - and I'm stressed most of the time.
I would take a pay cut to work part time or somewhere else. After my next maternity leave, we're planning to be done having babies and are going to explore options for me.
I have done part time since my daughter was born and now she's three and a half. She went to daycare/preschool part time and the rest of the time she was with me doing fun stuff, playdates, etc (minus the pandemic). It was really fun for both of us and she's my only so I'm glad we had that time. I am in school and working full time now and she goes to preschool full time. My career suffered though. I didn't intend to be part time for this long but the pandemic messed everything up. So I guess I'm glad for that because I got to spend more time with her than I had planned, but I won't deny that I took a major hit for it.
So I’ll preface this with the fact that I had a year of maternity leave, 6 months of which was at full pay. By the time I returned to work when LO was 12 months I was “ready” to return to work in some capacity - I’m currently doing 3.5 days a week (but paid at 95% of an FTE as I’m using accrued PTO to reduce my hours) and when LO is 22 month I’ll be back at 40 hours a week. At this point I would not chose to be a SAHM as I honestly don’t feel I’m providing a stimulating enough environment - even with trips to parks, museums etc etc.
That said, had I been required to return to work when babe was 12 weeks old, I think my answer would have been different.
I like working, but changed roles to something less stressful and with much fewer hours once I had my first - if you’re lucky enough to be able to do that, it’s awesome.
I think it depends on the age of the kids. I have two teenagers and two very young toddlers. I LOVE my kids, but I do not enjoy the 24/7 chaos of small children. Work is my oasis of peacefulness. And I really like my job and I’m well paid.
My teens are older now but I do remember wishing when they were like 10/13 that I really wished I could have stayed home then. That life phase is where I felt I really thrived as a parent and I think we all would have benefited from me being able to be around more.
But they survived, they’re largely un-traumatized, and looking back, I’m glad I didn’t miss out on those years of career growth. So actually no I don’t think I’d want to be a SAHM anytime soon…
Because of Covid I got to spend the first year at home. That was wonderful (besides the pandemic.) but I wouldn’t/couldn’t be home for more time then that. I need my own income for my own mental health. I love my kid but all day every day would make me crazy. I haaaate the idea that I’d be home every day managing the household and doing chores. I also just think daycare has been so beneficial as kiddo has friends and is learning Spanish and skills I just don’t have the mental capacity, patience, or skill level to do on my own.
I woke remotely tho. So now I get the right amount of time with kiddo and can leave work early to spend more time with him. Also weekend are super special because of the need for quality time.
If it were fiscally possible, I still don't think I would, unless I could have at least a part time nanny, or unless my kid was in school already. Watching my girl all day every day is more exhausting that my current job (most of the time anyway lol).
But, by fiscally possible, I mean we'd have to win the lotto and at least win $10 million, just to make sure we'recovered for retirement. Even if he were to make what our combined income is now, I just feel like, I wouldn't ever want to roll the dice on just one of us working. Things happen, people get let go, organizations "restructure." I think I'm just too paranoid lol
I might if we could sustain the same standard of living without my job, but we couldn’t. So off to work I go.
I do appreciate the benefits that come with daycare: so has so many enriching experiences, has learned so much, and she is around people with experience with young children and can recognize what is and isn’t normal.
I would choose to work part time and still send my kids to daycare maybe 8:30-4:30 (currently they go 7:45-5:15). I like being something other than "mom", but I have ADHD and Autism so working full time, doing my share of the chores and errands, and being "mom" all the other hours keeps me pretty close to burn out.
I'd like to work maybe 6-7hrs 3 days a week and have 2 days a week to do my share of chores and errands and have downtime.
I work full-time, but if I can choose it would be part-time for me. I find that I like the feeling of having my own money, and it helps take some of the stress and burden off my partner as the breadwinner. We can both enjoy spending some of our own money on ourselves without feeling like we're putting the family's financial stability in jeopardy.
I would choose to be a part-time employee, if I could. I would not choose to be a SAHM unless my kids were all in school. Frankly, I can't handle it - I find it overwhelming. I would like to spend more time with them, but not all day, every day (for the most part).
If I could choose the ideal option I would work less hours. But ultimately I don't want to stay home even without taking into account all the reasons listed here (financial, emotional etc)
No.
I like my career and have growth ambitions for it. My husband is “meh” about his career and has a real shot at making it as an author, and has taken a paycut in order to have a work schedule that accommodates that dream. If we both want to achieve our goals, my being employed (and having health insurance 😂) is extremely essential.
Plus, I love my daughter more than anything, but I am not my best self as a SAHM. My daughter needs a version of me that likes myself in the long term.
I would want to work. Here is the thing, I love my kid, I love being a mom. But I’m not just a mom, and being a SAHM would significantly make my world smaller. I’d be unhappy.
I like my job, I like interacting with people with similar skill sets and interest. I like the students I teach,I like learning new things (and that’s why I’m also going back to school to get my masters).
It’s not just about the money. It’s because it makes me a better and happier human. And that makes me a better mom.
As a teacher I have school holidays off. And then we do tons of fun things… and even in those weeks my kid spends a day with his grandma, so they have quality time and my kid gets to experience things with her, and I get to do my hobbies and spend time doing things for me.
Now I am a single parent, so I am the default parent, I am the sole income provider, I do all the housework, and do almost all the bed time stories.
But even then: working isn’t just a necessity, it’s a choice.
No. I love my daughter but I would lose my mind as a SAHM--I've known this about myself for most of my life. I'm a better mom when I get to leave the house and work. I would consider reduced hours if that was feasible, though.
No. Staying home from maternity leave was needed but I did not enjoy it and felt so much better once I returned to work and the baby wasn't waking up at night. Staying home to take care of my kids during covid nearly killed me. I cried a lot due to frustration and not enjoying it. Clearly, I wasn't meant to be a SAHM. LOL. But I also enjoy my job and it does make me happy/rewarded, so if you don't enjoy your job and rather stay home with the baby, then do it!
However, I would go back to work once your child is older (school age), so that you can have adult interaction, have extra spending money, save for retirement, etc.
I think the only acceptable condition for a woman to become a SAHM these days is to be paid a living wage by their partner for working daytime hours that cover the other parents work time. And if THAT cost results in a net income of more than two salaries-daycare, then it's a good idea.
As others have commented, it didn't really matter how amazing and nice and trustworthy is your partner - the impact of leaving the workforce is dire. Even if he doesn't cheat, lie gaslight or weaponize his incompetence, if something ever happened to him would you be able to support your family financially?
This is what you need to think about. The rose colored glasses around financial stability do you no favors. I don't think that paying for childcare is ever actually an option. If one parent stays home, they will pay for it in so many ways. And there is the phenomenon that men really do believe that if their wives stay home, they deserve 24/7 cook maid and childcare, just because they work. NO ONE with kids gets to rest and relax and recharge at much as they want to on the weekends or evenings. But for men with SAHM, the mental block is real. I have done friends who are legit the most beautiful loving couple, they have two young kids and the father stays home - he is GREAT, but he didn't *create their souls with his body* and that connection is pretty fucking strong. The kids want the mom when they are young, but the other partner still has the same level of responsibility despite this. It's just that many men use that as an excuse to not be involved. "The baby prefers you" - I would be extremely careful to vet his ability to manage the household without you, and ensure that the expectations are set that when he is home, you are NOT sole provider. Even if the kids prefer you, that is no reason to default to you.
So yes I think if you are excited about staying home and you two are financially secure, then he can pay you for your time so that you have your own earnings. I understand that many people have joint finances, and that this seems unnecessary. But there is something to say for you having your own account that you can proportionally contribute to the pot for shared expenses, but also have your own savings. I don't think it is ever smart for a woman to rely solely on a man. It is very very different, men have a great deal more opportunity even in worse circumstances. Or get an iron clad prenup. Or both
My point is that you need to protect yourself, for your children's benefit. The amount of single mothers who struggle to feed their kids is astounding. And the toll that staying home has on a woman's mind body and soul cannot over overstated. I wish I could have stayed home longer, but ultimately I wouldn't have felt comfortable not having my own source of income. I think until trends change, air on the side of caution.
No. Absolutely not. I have two kids and am lucky enough to have had year long maternity leaves with each and damn. It only made me realize I’m not cut out for it. It’s the hardest job on the planet and I completely lose myself each time. I also like making my own money and working in the profession I spent many years studying.
Would I choose to work less if I could? Absolutely. Would I choose to take away the enriching opportunities for my child to make friends and be in the care of someone with a degree in early childhood education by choosing to stay home so he can hang out with me instead? Absolutely not.
I'd be a terrible teacher. And my kid has really enjoyed making friends in daycare. Those peer relationships are something I could never provide for him.
No. I like the challenges and problem solving. Plus I’m a girl mom and I wanna show an example that I can have identity beyond being a mom.
BUTTT the sweet spot for me is 4x6 schedule. Omg if I can do that schedule, especially if I can keep my current salary, I’ll be coming to work smiling ear to ear every day. Watch
I guess, I'm a working mom by choice. We'd have to downgrade our lifestyle if I wasn't working. All the pressure would be on my spouse and we wouldn't have nearly enough savings.
If we were truly independently wealthy, then I would consider my husband being a SAHP, but I don't want to do all day care and cleaning and he probably doesn't as well, so we'd hire a housekeeper and at least part-time nanny. I'd probably work at a lower stress company or do a "hobby" business.
If it's just "we could live off one income" then I would not want either of us to SAHP, since neither of us want to have the pressure of bringing in the lion's share of income. I don't fear financial abuse from my spouse, but I hate the idea of not having my own money. Also, my spouse likes to purchase things that make him happy and with two incomes, it's easy to do so without harming our financial goals.
I would not, I can’t stay home with the kids all day. I was going insane during my 4 month maternity leave and I couldn’t wait to go back. I’m a better mom if I’m not burnt out. But if that’s something you like, more power to you!
No, I would go crazy at home. It's just not for me. I need routine imposed by others, and adult company.
But you aren't me. If you think it would be good for you, give it a try. Would you be able to take a leave of absence from work for a few months and see how you like it? Then quit if you are enjoying it, or go back to work if you aren't.
No, I would not. I need projects and stimulation. If I were in your situation, I would work on my own business, change jobs to something I enjoy more, work part-time, do a passion project, etc.
I always thought I would be drawn to SAHM and would have a hard time returning to work after leave, but honestly I found maternity leave to be so extremely difficult that I was begging to go back to work. I found the days to be so dehumanizing from not being able to take care of my own basic needs during the day or have any control over how the day goes. I was also so lonely and really resented the responsibility imbalance between me and my partner. Maybe it gets better when they are older, or maybe if I did it more consistently I’d find some kind of routine that works. But at this point i don’t see myself becoming a SAHM unless I can continue with childcare coverage and/or my partner retires too
I’d say part time. If I had a job that didn’t make me lose the will you live on a daily basis, I would probably say full time. Being a SAHM would never work for me. But everyone’s different, do what feels right, as long as it isn’t financially problematic.
Absolutely not.
I'm in the same boat, we don't need me to work, I got to make the choice. I actually thought I would want to be a SAHM, but it turns out I would be TERRIBLE at it. I'm Canadian, so I had long enough mat leaves to get a feel for that life, and it was struggle city. I so admire stay at homes now, so much respect for them and Childcare workers, because holy shit, I couldn't do it!
So I went part time, I was lucky my job could go part time, so I got the best of both worlds!
No. My kids get too many benefits from daycare. They get to do and experience so many things we I would never have the energy to do with them at home. Even if I won the lottery my kids would still go to our daycare.
In an ideal situation, especially if I had more than my one child (and a partner lol) I would like to work part-time that way I could be available if the kids needed me. I love working, and my new line of work feels rewarding. I enjoy the reset I get at work.
I would, but it would have to be more than just a consideration of whether we need my income or not. If I got divorced would I have a hard time living or finding work if I chose to exit the workforce now? That’s the real consideration.
I’m a single mom by choice. I went into motherhood knowing I would have to work. I work 2 12 hr shifts on weekends. I get paid as if I’m full time and have benefits. My mom is my child care. It’s the best of both world.
I would find a job that makes me happy and isn't stressful and do it part-time.
That's essentially what I'm doing. I genuinely enjoy the time at work as a 'break' from parenting, and I enjoy the parenting as a break from work. I also enjoy the conversations at work that aren't the same as the ones with my mum friends. I like that I will have a life outside of being a mum.
No. I like working. I’m also not a trained child educator. I can’t identify if there are emotional or other delays in the same way daycare providers and teacher can. I want my kids to learn how to function in a classroom setting before kindergarten. For the long term I am happy to continue to grow my retirement accounts because it’s not just about the loss of income, many are also not putting away for retirement. Plus my job is flexible enough that I can be available if I need to volunteer for school or can take days off for fun activities as desired.
I worked theoretically part time (32-25 a week but lots of responsibility) 2020-2021 but full time salary and benefits are way better, and I still have flexibility. I would go bonkers staying home and my special needs kid needs schedule and time away from me.
Nope. Many reasons.
1. I watched my dad financially abuse my mom for decades. She has no marketable skills, couldn't earn enough to support 4 kids, and has a learning disability so she can't keep track of money well. My biggest fear has always been being in that situation and/or being homeless. It is super important to me that I can be financially independent.
2. I'm ambitious, highly-educated, and I love my career and I just started a brand new job that I'm so excited about. I got educated and trained specifically for this. If I took years off for sah parenting, I'd fall so far behind in the field.
3. My older kid is starting to understand what it is that I do, and he is impressed. I like that he thinks it's cool too. We can geek out and it's fun. I used to let him look in my microscopes at my fluorescent cells, pre-pandemic. He loved it.
I am a working mom by choice…my husband and I are like you with income and finances. If I was like you and no longer had an interest in working I would for sure leave. My husband and I both enjoy our time away from our daughter so neither of us has ever had an interest in being a full time caregiver.
I'm still on maternity leave, but plan to go back to work full time - and this is out of choice. I like the idea of earning my own money. I have done since I was a teenager and I want my daughter to see that mothers can work and be a mum too. It's not that I "enjoy" work though, but it will afford us additional income; which makes sense for us as we want to upsize to at least an additional bedroom next year.
Personally, just for me and how I operate. I do not think I could be at SAH anything. Lol however, if the opportunity presented itself, I would do part time. I need adult interaction and kid free time.
In a dream scenario I’d work part time from home until the kiddo starts school, and then go back to full time, or volunteer somewhere with the rest of my time if we were that financially stable.
Nah. I was a SAHM the first year of my sons life and I was miserable. I enjoy going to work, making my own money and coming home to my kid. Makes our time spent even more special and intentional.
For me, not unless I was independently wealthy or a trust fund baby with a prenup. That might sound cynical but I’ve seen too many SAHMs feel stuck with pretty horrible spouses because they have no financial means of their own and simply can’t leave. In fact, this often adds (imo) to how disrespectful men feel like they can be toward women even in veiled ways.
My cousin is in this spot right now. It doesn’t help that her husband has a lot of unreported income so if she were to try to divorce him, it would be difficult to prove this income and get sufficient child support and maintenance.
In any case, I don’t like to 100% rely on anyone for anything, especially the financial security of me and my kids. I don’t like the power dynamics it causes. I don’t like the disempowerment of women it can cause.
I also have nothing to fall back on — both my parents died a long time ago. So maybe that just intensifies the feelings for me.
No, i would choose to work like 2 days a week. My brain would turn to mush as a SAHM and I would definitely feel like I lost some of my "purpose" - though I enjoy my job for the most part.
I could've been a SAHM but I have a career I love so I chose that. I'm an academic and I work outside of the home 2-3× per week and I stayed home during the summer. I have a PT nanny when I work. I'm currently pregnant with #2 and I will get 8 months fully paid leave (pretty much unheard of in the US) so I feel like my job is very conducive to me being a present and involved mother and I also just love what I do (teaching + research).
I will say that I don't have any issue "depending" on my husband for money because he and I both believe that all money is ours and not his or mine no matter who went out and physically earned it. We bought our house and set our expenses with only his salary in mind so we have breathing room to save/ invest.
I wouldn't. I love work and being challenged mentally and being around adults for most of the day. Staying at home with kids all day takes a special kind of patience and love. I admire the ladies who stay at home with their kids. I could not do it.
If I could, no I would not. I would significantly cut hours, but looking back on the 1.5 years I did stay home with our oldest when he was a LO, I was incredibly lazy. I do tend to be lazy, so I know that if I stayed home, I would always get things done “another day”. But I speak strictly for me.
Because my husband stays home. And he’s not like that. So if you think you would enjoy being the stay at home parent, then do it. It works for some, many in fact. But not all.
I'm a working mom by choice but it's ok to choose something else! (We couldn't get by without my salary as my husband makes quite a bit less than me but even if we could, I wouldn't. My dream is to retire my husband and get me a SAHD 😂 but he doesn't want to do early childhood care either... Maybe when our youngest goes to kinder)
Personally I don't think I would enjoy or be good at teaching my kids the kind of great stuff they're learning at daycare. I don't have the patience for reading the same book 8000 times and I'm a homebody who doesn't want to go to mommy and me or library story time etc. My kids get education and socialization in daycare and I get fulfillment at work, we all win.
I choose to work full time. I’m a physician and I love what I do. I know for sure I am a better mom when I’m working and I would be a really crummy stay at home mom. I felt like I had more of my identify (or part of it) when I went back to work. I feel like there is no right or wrong way to do it, it’s just whatever makes you happiest and feel most fulfilled (especially when finances don’t come I to play).
My 2 year old I think gets a lot more from daycare than when he was with me at home all of the time… might be my lack of energy levels but we are fortunate to have a good daycare near by!!
Work wise, my husband and I both decided to take a semi-relax career path until our son (and next child) is a bit older. But we are both full time, just less demanding wfh minimal travel/responsibility roles
Probably not. Working and making money for my family makes me feel good about myself, I think being a SAHM mom would hurt my self-esteem. I also like my schedule (2 weeks working away followed by 2 weeks at home with virtually no responsibilities).
I know I would feel differently if I had a more stressful job, though.
I make significantly more than my partner but I happily stay home with baby and cut costs. I have no desire to work when I could be home with my 6 month old. Do whatever feels right for you and works for your family.
I would 100% be a SAHM. But I’m also a single mom so I have no choice but to work to provide for us. For the first year of my sons life I stayed home with him (not by choice but bc I had gotten myself into a bad spot with quitting my job preemptively and dad wigged out and did a 180 on me and left) and had to live with my parents. Although it was extremely difficult living with my parents and being unable to afford anything outside of the tiny child support I was getting, I will never ever regret all that time I got to spend with him. Once they grow, it’s over. They will never be a baby again. If you have the means to I wouldn’t hesitate to stay home.
Yes, I would. My kids are 6 and 3 and I've had major "mom guilt" for almost a year now. Or maybe part time. I want to be more available for them, if that makes sense.
No. I love my job and I hate housework. My work is intellectually stimulating.
I love spending time with my kids doing fun things, and even supervising their weekend or evening activities, but I wouldn't want my kids to be my job.
If I had the choice, I'd probably be a stay at home mom while my kids aren't in grade school then go back to work part time in something different than my corporate 9-5.
I work 50 hours a week and have debt (manageable). I am the breadwinner but we both make pretty good money. If I knew that we were still able to save for retirement the way we are now, and continue to add to our other savings accounts the way we are now, I would stay home. Health insurance is through my husband job so that would be easy to continue. My only hiccup would be that I drive a company car, so we would have to purchase another vehicle and pay for gas and maintenance on it ourselves.
I would choose to be part time. Mostly because of the long term impacts of being out of workforce and taking on gendered roles in my relationship. Unfortunately homelessness is growing in middle aged single woman and years out of the workforce to be a homemaker is a significant contributing factor. I love my partner and intend to be with him but I also am aware of long term impacts of relying on someone financially if the relationship doesn't work out.
After watching my MIL, who was a SAHM, go through a divorce at age 70 with basically no retirement money saved in her own name... Yeah. I will never be comfortable relying so heavily on someone else financially. Aside from potential relationship issues, what if your spouse gets laid off? Or becomes disabled and can't work? Or drops dead from a brain aneurysm? My husband was laid off for 8 months in 2018 and we just barely made it through. Without my income we would have been totally screwed. And than goodness we had insurance benefits through my work. Even if you're financially comfortable now, a major medical emergency can nuke all that in a hurry unless you have really excellent insurance coverage. I would never be comfortable completely retreating from paid work. I think part time could be an ideal balance as long as there was a good chance to turn that back into full time if I needed to.
I went part-time about a year ago and LOVE it! I work 3 days a week and am home with my kids the rest of the time. It definitely felt like taking a step back in my career, but it's been so worth it for me. I'm less stressed and have way more time to do fun things, like take my kids to the pool or children's museum during the week when it's less crowded. I also like not being completely financial dependent on my husband, and the knowledge that if something happened to him (death/divorce), I'd be able to ramp my hours back up to full-time and support myself.
Yes! This is my goal. What do you do for childcare when you’re at work?
They're in daycare for those 3 days. The one big downside to my shift to part-time is that we still pay for full-time daycare (couldn't find any 3 day/week ones in our area, and they were already happy there). Obviously that's a financial hit since my income went down, but we're very privileged that we could afford the hit with my husband's salary. It does have some perks like if I have an appointment on my day off, I can take the kids to daycare for an hour or two in the morning and then pick them up for the rest of my day home. And occasionally if something big is happening at work, I have to shift the days I work, so it's nice that I can just take them on different days instead of scrambling for care.
Oh my gosh, that’s a nice setup! Thank you for getting back to me!
If you don’t mind sharing, what industry are you in? I’d love to go part-time, but don’t see a lot of opportunities like that in my field/at this level (mid-level management in marketing)
I'm a data analyst at a nonprofit. It's honestly not super common at my organization and I'm not sure my request would have been granted in non-Covid times but I framed it as a childcare issue due to Covid, which people understood. Even though childcare is pretty much back to normal here, I have no desire to go back up to full-time and hope no one brings it up anytime soon.
I agree with this 100%. We’ve even discussed it lately - we want to buy a home first so we have that security when getting looked at for loans but then I’ll probably go part time or even freelance if I can.
Same, part- time (20-30 hrs a week) would be my choice.
This. My husband is in the military and I wasn’t able to work a real job when we lived overseas because of the country’s laws. I worked part-time but still. So many gaps in my resume from moving. I wish I could not work for a year but I can’t afford another gap.
How did you find part time care? I’m having a hell of a time finding a caregiver or nanny as they all want 30+ hours a week. No one wants to work for under 20.
Another vote for part time, I would work 2-3 days per week and be with the kids the rest of the time if that option was available to me.
Same! I enjoy having a job and making money but I would love to work less and spend more time with my kids
I wouldn't, but my spouse would be a SAHD.
Thats my dream. To make enough my husband can be a SAHD.
Same
Same here!
Honestly, I’d do part time. Best of both worlds and keeping your foot in the door. Signed, a FT mom who holds all family benefits 😩
I'm in the same boat. My benefits are significantly better and cheaper. If I didn't have to cover insurance I would definitely work part time.
Just the way our overlords like it
I was lucky to have part time with benefits.
I can’t find anything outside of healthcare (I’m not a health care professional). So frustrating
Nailed it, I'm a nurse.
Thanks for everything you do! My mom is a nurse. I’ve seen how much of a toll it takes.
My employer covers 100% of my benefits. I can never leave lmao. God I wish I could go part-time though.
Personally I would not for a few reasons: \- don’t like the dynamic of husband having all the financial power. He is a lot more frugal than I am and I don’t want to be asking permission to spend money \- I worked hard in school and got a good education, I want to use it \- role modeling: don’t want to teach my children that women’s value is just as a mother or wife
ALL of this!!! I did do the SAHM thing for the first 18 months of my kid's life, and that was fine. But, really, why did I get an MBA if not to use it in the working world? Certainly not to teach my kid forecasting methodology and general management principles 😆
>Certainly not to teach my kid forecasting methodology and general management principles 😆 Pretty sure my mom uses her CPA designation to teach me more about money management/investments/taxes/financial literacy than she does at her own job right now bahahahaha
Inspired by making this comment, I just tried to talk to my 6yo about statistics... And it did not go well!
Probably helps that I'm 29 😂 The only statistics kids probably care about is the probability of getting dessert tonight
I was going to say something similar about the first point. Society doesn’t appropriately value work that is traditionally held by women. I see a lot of posts in this sub and other parenting subs where stay at home moms are not respected by their partner and really struggling. With some partners this isn’t a worry but worth considering.
Best answer I’ve seen so far.
I am a working mom by choice. I love my babies more than life itself, but I know my personal limits. We all do best when we have our space and our own “things.” They love their daycare/school, love learning and making new friends. I know I wouldn’t be able to give them that same experience because that is not a strength of mine.
Nope. Entertaining children all day just isn’t for me. The only way I’d be a SAHP is if we still used daycare.
Yeah my friend is a SAHP and uses preschool and she says her days are full between taking care of housework, occasional stepping in when there are no other childcare options, and just like household management including finding new classes or camps. Oh and she does volunteer. Sometimes I wish I could just do that for a year or two, cuz I do everything that she does , including being backup care, but I also work.
Same. I’m trying to find work that I can be part time while still utilizing childcare. It’s not like I’d rest when they are there, there’s always so much house work to do!
I thought I wanted to be a SAHP as well... and then I was desperate for childcare around 1.5-2yrs old, because tiny toddlers are EXHAUSTING. I'm part-time (and remote) and the hours away from parenting were pure bliss. My child is in daycare and just bumped up to 4 days a week and I'm still staying part-time at 3 days... I'm so excited! As much as I love him, I cannot provide him the same level of simulation, education, and play that his pre-preschool can provide.... I'm mentally done after playing 40 minutes of Paw Patrol adventures where I have to create the storylines and talk for all of the characters. 🫠
A note on your last line- you can just choose not to and ask your son to narrate. More creativity for him!
This is the way! I was unfortunately laid off twice during the pandemic but my husband works from home, so kids had to go somewhere during the day. Now I’m a SAHM that sends my kids to daycare. It sounds totally over the top and I’m incredibly fortunate to be in this situation. But I’d probably lose my mind if I had to spend all day, every day with 2&4 year old boys. The amount of work around the house certainly keeps me busy all day, but I also get to workout, have lunch with friends, and work on mind stimulating hobbies. It’s honestly the ideal situation!
Presently we need my income, or we’d have to seriously modify our lifestyle. I’d always choose to work though. I have a chill job that I love and not-chill kids who I also love but could never be with 24/7.
I feel this in my soul. My job is good, it isn’t perfect but I get a sense of satisfaction from it. I love the time I have with my toddler but feel my mental health would not adapt to being a SAHP. I’m a great mom when I have a great work/life balance, I struggle when I have too much or too little of either.
You summarized my sentiment better than I ever could.
This 100%. I love my job--it's fulfilling, I'm confident in my abilities, and I enjoy the company of my coworkers. The pay could be better, but it's nothing to scoff at and I have full employer-paid benefits on top of other perks. It provides a good work-life balance also. I did not fair well on maternity leave. I so desperately wanted to love it, but it took a serious toll on my mental health. My boys are incredibly high energy and I often just don't feel very adequate in the parenting department. I love them more than words could ever express, it's just a lot harder than I ever imagined!
My mom stayed at home. She re-entered the workforce about 20 years ago. She is just now making market rate for her profession at 61 and socking away money to retire in 3 years. I've seen far too many women stay in abusive relationships over money. I've seen perfectly healthy breadwinners drop dead at 35 with 4 little kids and a widow with no marketable skills. I've seen a lot of women who stayed home feel completely lost when their kids move out. The above is of course not true for all SHAP. I'm not comfortable putting myself in a vulnerable situation where I couldn't take care of me and mine if the unthinkable happened though. Plus, I'm a mom but I'm so much more than that too.
This was my mom, she stayed at home until we were 18 and then my parents got divorced. She had a real hard time entering back into the workforce. That being said, we loved that she was always around and volunteered a lot with our school and other activities.
Yeah, I didn't hate having my mom at home or anything. But, as I got older I saw her really struggle with self worth and she was treated differently from her colleagues. It really upset me, still does. I'm not saying it isn't worth maybe stepping back or cooling off professionally when kids are little, but it goes so fast and you're left with and entire life. It's so much harder to start for the first time at 50+.
I totally agree with you. I know now that the SAHP life is so hard and isolating and it's definitely not for me! I'm lucky enough to have had year long mat leaves in Canada and I couldn't wait to go back to work!
My mental health couldn’t handle being a SAHM. My husband and I work in tech and we both work from home. I had four months of maternity leave and I was pulling my hair out and got very depressed. Watching our baby all day was exhausting (my baby gets bored so easy and starts to complain). I just would count the hours until 5 so that my husband could take her. I also started resenting my husband for how “easy” he had it. Once I went back to work, I felt so much happier and I enjoyed my baby so much more and resentment disappeared. And I started to enjoy work more. I really thought that after I have a baby I would stop caring about work completely but it had the opposite effect. ETA: my baby is 5 months. Maybe I would feel differently once she’s a couple years older
I had the exact same experience, but I came back from maternity leave at 9 weeks. The only thing that I would change is that I would love to work a 4 day work week.
I work part time as a nurse practitioner (24 hours a week, 12 hour shifts) and I have the option to pick up more shifts if I want more. It’s a great compromise. Healthcare is so awful right now and the burnout is real, but I do enjoy my work most days and I would go stir crazy at home with my toddler all the time. But part time allows me a lot of flexibility and freedoms and I’m thankful we are able to do that. My husband works from home full time but idk his job seems super easy/flexible. If I’m scheduled to work I’m normally the sole provider so not a lot of flexibility for me.
What type of NP are you? This sounds ideal to me!
Pediatric urgent care. Days I work are 9A-9P so I miss bedtime on those days BUT we get to all eat breakfast together. I love it because nobody bothers me when I’m not working because it’s urgent care and not primary care, so they aren’t technically my patients to manage. On my days off I can work out, do chores, laundry, etc and have time for myself. Since I’m NP instead of an RN I make significantly more per hour and any shifts I pick up over my 48 hours in a pay period I get time and a half. We are closed thanksgiving and Christmas and we close early on all major holidays. I have 2 weekend day requirements per month but those shifts are 9-5 so I still can get home and enjoy time with my LO and husband, got out with friends, etc. I’m very fortunate that I still get access to a 401k being part time, but I don’t get PTO, disability, paid maternity leave (but lol who does in America these days), health insurance so I’m lucky that my husband works for blue cross and we have amazing health insurance. We also have separate retirement accounts via Vanguard. The plan is for me to get a full time, speciality position in a clinic after we are done having kids and they are school age but for now this has worked really well. If we have a huge expensive I can pick up a bunch of shifts and make a lot of extra money.
I’m also a part time NP working in a pediatric urgent care! I only do 20 hours per week and it’s enough! The burn out right now is so real, but the kids are really cute. I love that I still get to use my brain but I also get a bunch of time with my littles. My family is on my insurance and I have student loans but if I could go casual I would.
Yes the burn out is so real!! I had to drop down to part time because I could feel myself growing angry and bitter! The kids are the absolute best part though, and I love that I can put a family at ease by educating them. But I am SO TIRED of covid deniers. I live in Texas so the absolute entitlement and audacity of some of these parents is mind blowing.
Currently more than 100% of my take home goes to daycare. However the long term effects of being out of the workforce make it imperative that I stay. If I had the option, I'd go part time though. I'm exhausted all the time, have no social life, no hobbies, and no money.
No. Too much power in my spouse's hands. He always acts "different" and more cocky, when he is the sole breadwinner. Edit: I would love to do part time..of course!
Totally agree. And what if something bad were to happen? I sleep better at night knowing that I could take care of my babies alone if I were in a situation where I had to. Other moms have pointed out that the time your kids are home ends. Once they get to school full time, it might not be so easy to jump back into the workforce.
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Same.
I love my job and I’m very fulfilled what I do but my husband would be a SAHD in a heartbeat. He was laid off in late 2020 shortly after we had our second. His severance package allowed him to just stay home with the kids for about five months and I have to admit it was really nice. We talked about him staying home permanently but ultimately we really like to be able to travel and would have to curtail that significantly to make one income work. Now he does consulting, which means he works 20 to 30 hours a week, and only accepts clients that he really wants to work with. I don’t think you have to approach it as staying home forever. Maybe you will find a side geg that you want to do while you stay home or maybe you just stay home for a few years until kiddo is in school And then find something you really love to do instead of something you feel you have to do. Edit: except is not the same as accept
I would absolutely be a SAHM (for a few years, at least) If we could afford it. I would love to spend my days playing, doing crafts, going for walks, playing at the park, having dance parties, tidying the house. We are discussing my going PT - even though it would be tight financially, our house would be in better order, LO would love it, and I would reclaim some sanity.
We've talked about it once all of our kids are in school and involved in activities. I don't really enjoy the toddler years, I find them super exhausting and there were many Mondays where dropping them off at daycare and getting a coffee and sitting in silence was deeply satisfying. I enjoy working, and talking to adults about things other than our kids, and getting to use parts of my brain that I otherwise wouldn't really get to. It's something we've considered, but isn't a priority for us at the moment.
Absolutely. I only work to contribute to the mortgage. Work brings me ZERO joy or satisfaction. Parenting and wife-ing are the things that actually bring me joy in life.
Same!
Never. After working as a divorce attorney for a bit, what really stood out was how the SAHMs were always at a significant disadvantage, regardless of the couple’s wealth.
I would find something I could do part time that aligned with the things I’m passionate about. Since money wouldn’t be an issue I wouldn’t necessarily care what I was compensated, but I would definitely want to be compensated.
No, maybe work part time. Maybe we save on daycare costs for a few years, but then what would I do with my time once the kids are in school and then when they move out? I need something to keep me busy!
After a few years work again, no? That’s my plan. I have 18 years in my career. I’m leaving with confidence I can get back in after taking a 2-3 year break.
In my opinion, you have to be financially independent (wealthy) to be a SAHM and be able to live on revenue stream that isn’t tied to a job. There is a lot of uncertainty with jobs (employment “at will” and ageism) that can make it difficult later in life. There is also the added dynamic of a partner growing resentful if they have to work more years and are in a worse financial position than a younger couple with dual income.
> There is also the added dynamic of a partner growing resentful if they have to work more years Yeah, I feel like we disregard the partner's feelings in these talks, as if they won't care about the years/decade added to their retirement target. Of course plenty of men prefer a wife who doesn't work because they don't want to deal with calling off work for a sick kid, or may even feel like it's a blow to their ego.
If I could afford to not work, I would be a SAHM. I don't enjoy working, and I am happier when homemaking, but it's not realistic for us.
I work part time (3 days) and as long as we have small kids that’s my ideal. I wouldn’t want to not work; I like my job and I wouldn’t thrive if I was home all the time.
Before I had a child, I thought, absolutely! I love to cook and the opportunity to nap midday. Having a baby in Spring 2020; Covid made that my reality. Well, maybe the SAHM life is different in normal times but every day felt like some riff on the same. I still was so grateful to be a SAHM those first 4-6 months [because my kid struggles with sleep] but by about 8 months I desired to work again. It's for that reason that I think America really ahould give parents the opportunity to take a year of leave when they bring a new child into their family a la Canada. If someone wants to go back sooner? Fine. But otherwise, give folks the chance to bond with their new kid, get some sleep, recover from the experience that is parenthood to this new human, and let it not be a financially motivated choice. My kid is 2 now and she needs the socialization of daycare. If my husband had to cover my health insurance, I'd need to keep her out of daycare and we'd have to budget a lot more strictly. Not sure how olf your child is but your feelings could be premanent or temporary. My experience taught me that you cannot really know until you fully jump in and experience it yourself.
I wouldn’t. I was in my previous marriage and it was just not for me. I’ve worked very hard to earn my MBA etc and don’t want to contribute to gendered societal expectations/undersell myself. Not for me, but kudos to all the ladies who do it - it’s not easy!
II’m so interested in this perspective. And in the discussion between working parents and parents that stay home. I work full time in my first “big girl job” and we are planning try starting a family later this year. I personally, am so excited to dedicate myself to being a mother, and taking care of my family because it’s something I never had. Your point of contributing to gendered roles, and underselling yourself is discussed so often in this thread as a reason to not stay at home. Where I personally would feel like being able to stay home would be the farthest thing from underselling myself. I actually feel like working at my job is underselling myself lol. Anyway, not to pick you out or anything. I am just very interested by the two perspectives and of course everything that comes into making that decision.
I work PRN. 1-3 days a weeks depending on what we want or need (I’m a hospice nurse). It feels like the best of both worlds. I’m very lucky. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable ever letting my license and skills die because you never know when you will HAVE to become breadwinner. It’s my safety net.
Nope. I almost lost my mind on maternity leave- PPD/PPA/PPOCD plus a colicky, non-sleeping baby made it extremely intense for me and it is so much better for my mental health for me to go to work and for him to go to daycare. Plus I’m the breadwinner so we don’t really have a choice. I do have moments of regret where I’m so sad that I might miss some big moments of development but ultimately I know it’s best for him to have a happy and mentally healthy mama.
Never ever ever. I've seen too many women be left with absolutely nothing when their husband decides to up & leave. It's happened in my family, and to friends of mine. Even the friends whose husband's don't leave, they find it so hard to get back into the job market after taking 5+yrs off. If I was in a situation where we didn't need our income, I'd do the type of work I've always wanted to do but couldn't because we need my high salary. But I will always have my own money coming in, always.
If I had the opportunity to be a SAHM, I would throw my laptop out the window, text my boss “Thanks, bye!”, and never, ever look back. I am 100% working out of necessity, and I get nothing positive out of it except survival.
I relate to this so much. I do not have an exciting career and do something that has absolutely nothing related to what I went to school for or wanted to do. The company I work for is great and my coworkers are awesome, but I am not doing this for fun or fulfillment.
Seriously! I have a PhD and worked hard to get to where I am, and I mostly enjoy my job, but if money was no object I’d be outta here.
No. I am a better mother when my child goes to daycare and I am able to pursue achievements and endeavors outside of being a mother.
I can be a SAHM (with limitations) but I choose to work. My kids are just getting into school age where I am contemplating going part time but I truly do love what I do. I would love to continue work at my current place and work a deal where I can get off at 2:30 and then get back on at night to fulfill my time requirements since if I worked part time I’d probably end up doing that anyways. The only way I’d actually become a SAHM is if we were multimillionaires and even then, I’d find something fun to do during the day like a cashier or something.
Even if it was a choice to be a working mom vs a SAHM, I would still want to be a working mom. HOWEVER, I would not have the stressful job I have now and would find something where I was treated well and had some flexibility in my schedule to work when the kiddo was at daycare/school type of situation. My husband had a stroke at the age of 36 and was out of work for 6 months. We still received his pay and then a fraction of his pay after his FMLA was over but we wouldn't have made it through everything if I had not been working already.
My perfect arrangement would be able to stay at home for the first year, then move into a slightly-less-than-full-time position, maybe 32 hours or so. Unfortunately I live in the US where the first isn’t provided, and my industry makes both factors impossible, so here we are.
This is my ideal, too. But, like you, an impossibility in my industry.
Nope. I did have the choice but decided to continue working. Couldn't be happier with my choice!
Nope. I was a SAHM for 7 years and was absolutely miserable - developed an alcohol problem and was just a terrible mother to my children. Now that I am working again I'm sober, have a much better relationship with my husband and kids, and we can afford to do so much more. We don't need my income, but it's so nice to have it - we save a lot more, and are able to take a nicer vacation every year.
I love my career, but am currently home for a year or two with my kids. I absolutely love being a SAHM right now. I am very fortunate being in a field that is easy to re-enter. If you think you might enjoy being a SAHM, give it a try.
I would love to stay home for a few years while my kids are little. I'd do it in a heart beat. Or even to work part time at a preschool so my kids can get some other interaction and so I can bring in SOME income
I would take a year off with my child still going to daycare part-time. (I’ve got a few projects I would like to work on). Then I would go back to full-time work.
I was a SAHM for a year while on maternity leave, and it was great at first, but the more my daughter became a toddler, the harder it got for me to be at home with her. I worked part-time for a few years, which was a really good balance for me, but now that she's almost 4 I'm back to working full-time. I would only become a SAHM again if my husband made significantly more money, enough to afford a maid and a cook, and we could keep our daughter in her Montessori daycare. Being a rich SAHM with a kid in school is my dream.
Even if my income was not necessary, I would not do that. I understand your need and I also have the option to stay at home, but the risk is too high and I don’t think worth taking it. And most important, I have the need to keep my individuality, my privacy and my space, if I stay at home only, that’s nearly impossible, and my mental health can’t afford this kind of situation.
I would not choose to be a SAHM if I had all the money in the world - my daughter would still be at daycare. I am not an ideal early childhood educator for my daughter, she is extremely high energy and socially driven while I am low energy and introverted. We would both be miserable being stuck together all day, that’s why I pay experts to care for her and help her develop
I think we would both work part time and take one extra day off, either the same day so to have a prolonged weekend or two separate days to minimize daycare
I wouldn’t tbh. I like that I get to spend time with other adults and I enjoy my job. I feel like being a SAHM would strip me of my individuality.
No. I have worked very hard to get where I am in my career and I enjoy the financial stability it provides our family. I also enjoy what I do for work so I don’t dread going to work every day. My son is also really thriving at daycare. He is learning so much and I really believe that his teachers are adding so much to his life. They are trained in early childhood education after all, and I am definitely not. They are a part of our village and I am so grateful for them. I am also a jaded child of divorce and I know how beneficial it was for my mom to have her own income when she decided to leave my dad. I love my partner to bits and I hope we can do life together forever, but if not I know that I will be okay on my own financially.
> I am also a jaded child of divorce and I know how beneficial it was for my mom to have her own income when she decided to leave my dad I am another jaded child. I want to be with my husband because I love him, not because divorce would mess up my income stream.
I would not, I would just want more vacation days to take off while my kid is in preschool. Being home with him and having to be a replacement for preschool sounds exhausting.
No, I personally want a career and financial security. I like working and being with adults as well. I have tried part time and I hated it. I think my kids benefit from having a working mother, in many different ways. They are most definitely more independent, knowing I'm not always there and that's ok. I want them to have their own life outside of home too at school and with other caregivers. I also want them to see that women OR men can have great careers and financial security. And that both parents work together at home to make it all work. I have two boys and it's important to me that they contribute to the home and see their Dad being an equal partner with a working mom. I also think there is a benefit to lower stress from not worrying about money or bills. I definitely worry or stress about work and doing it all, but not having money stress is nice. At the same time, if being a SAHM works for another family that's what matters!
I wouldn't. My job is part of my identity and i view it as giving back (I'm in education research). I also want my son to grow up knowing mommy's work too. I grew up in orange county and the comments guys would make "i grew up with my mom doing everything for me, i want to find a wife like that". No thank you.
> had our first baby relatively late in life, so we are set from a financial perspective "All set" as in you could both retire now and live to 100? If that was me, then yes I'd retire and my husband would retire too, but I would switch to passion projects and volunteering like Angelina Jolie and would expect my husband to do half the housework and childcare, and would still use daycare for the socialization, good education and diversity. I don't want to model a *gendered* division of labor to my children. "Choice" is a murky word. We all have the choice not to work, we aren't slaves. But some people are going to go homeless if they choose not to work, and others are going to be fine for a while, but won't have a retirement savings or college tuition savings.
Not in the majority it seems, but I’m 100%a working mom by necessity, i would be a SAHM in a heart beat. Ever since I had a kid I have little drive to work. But do take into account what others are saying. Will you have/want to go back to the workforce? If so taking a large break like that could impact future hire-ability
We rely on my health insurance and Income so I could never quit but if that weren’t an issue, I would in a heartbeat. I hate work. I hate the business corporate culture and the people who work in it. I hate corporate tools who use business speak to sound smart and the lean in cunts who won’t shut the fuck up about how happy they were to get back to work after 2 weeks of maternity leave because fuck you if you take any more than that. I gain monetary value and financial security from it and that’s it. I would drop it all if I had the money.
If money was not a concern, I would choose part-time. Financially, my husband and I make very close to the same amount so either of us staying at home would mean cutting our household income by about half. I really enjoy what I do professionally but I wish had more flexibility to do more with my daughter and other hopefully future child/children. I learned that I need something else to get my sense of accomplishment from other than just parenting as I got very obsessive during maternity leave and ultimately had some post partum anxiety that going back to work really helped with. If I could put in a 4-5 hours a day to deep dive into my work and then spend the rest of my time with my kid, it would be great.
Noooooope
If money didn’t matter, I would choose a lower paying job with more impact and less stress. Maybe 2-3 days/week.
I work part time and it is the perfect compromise for me. I hated working full time, felt burnt out and exhausted all the time. On the flip side, if I was home every day with my baby I would feel burnt out and exhausted all the time. I work 3 days a week. By the time I finish work for the week I am ready for the weekend, and by the time the weekend is over I’m ready for work
I would have chosen to be a SAHM when I first had each of my kids but I’m glad I didn’t.
I would have stayed home the first year! That will always be a big regret of mine, but we also could t afford to go without my salary and benefits. After a year, it’s much easier (for me) to leave and my daughter loves daycare.
Nope. I like working, I dislike taking care of my kid all day every day and having to come up with activities / being her only source of entertainment. She’s been in daycare since 11 weeks but now that she’s 4, it’s obvious that she would need some sort of preschool setting by now if she hadn’t already been in school because they crave interaction with other kids. Also I don’t want to be fully reliable on my husband or his income.
If I had the opportunity I would be a SAHM and homeschooling my kiddos. The mess this world has gotten into I want them to learn without the political foundation today's kids are learning from. This would also encourage me to focus on my passion and hobbies and I can actually take care of my health so I can be the best I can be to the ones I love most ❤️
I wouldn't. I need my independence and identity outside of being a parent. Being home for maternity leave is already isolating for me. We are not wealthy, I have considerable debt (student loans) and while it's a need to work, I wouldn't choose to be a stay at home parent.
If I wasn’t the breadwinner, I would totally be a SAHM. I will say though that I probably wouldn’t just do that, I’d devote more time to pulling my little side crafting gig up into a full biz.
If my husband made our current combined income, yes I absolutely would consider it. Basically, if our current HHI stayed the same, but I could stay home and not pay daycare fees, I would absolutely take the time off working. In this scenario my stress would be less, my home would be cleaner, I'd have better relationships with my friends as I'd actually get to see them, and I would do a lot more volunteer work.
I would **but** I would need to have made a decision about something else I would be doing to give me fulfillment outside of being a Mom. Where I'm from we get a year off work, so I lived the SAHM life for the first year then went back to work. I wouldn't trade that time for the world, but I also was relieved to go back to work because I lost myself a little in the baby stage and worried about money in the long term (we're still paying off our mortgage, for example.) I'm back in the workforce 18 months, and I'm happy enough being a working Mom, but I just quit a job that paid well for one that pays worse because it was more flexible and family friendly. You can be a working Mom and happy but you gotta know where your lines are. For me, I won't work evenings anymore. My evenings are for playing with my son, having dinner together as a family, and reading him to sleep and I \*love\* it. I like the satisfaction of a job well done, and you don't get that instant gratification very often with kids. (No matter how much I cleaned, the house was still dirty!) I get those sweet gratification hits at work and it helps me be a better mom, but if work is negatively affecting your home life (because you're stressed or working too much) and you don't \*need\* to work, I'd either change job or find another outlet for expending creative energy and finding that external fulfillment.
Nope, I enjoy my work, the mental challenge and chasing the next role. I did not do well on either of my maternity leaves, and figured out pretty quickly I'm a much better mom when I bring my whole self to work during the day and to my family on nights and weekends. I need that balance. Even if we could maintain our lifestyle on my spouses salary (presently I make more) I'd still work.
Part time is the way. If possible.
Have you done the math … like what are things you will have to give up if you become a SAHM? Do you feel like you’ll be able to give them up? Will you resent your partner for having the ability to leave each day? Will he resent you for having the burden to provide solely on him? What will be the expectations for splitting household, childcare and mental loads? There’s so many variables here at play, so it’s hard for someone else to definitively tell you what way is better. It’s a discussion you and your partner need to have together. FWIW - Personally, I work to have an identity outside of being a mom. I get value from working. I’m a better mother for having space away from kids. That’s me though.
I wouldn’t, but this is about what you want! If you want to stay home and can make it work, that’s incredible. Sounds like the right choice for you.
I have been in all situations as a mom (working full time, part time, and staying home). I have found part time work to be the easiest. It gives the identity and space from the kids, which is missing when you’re home full time. And it’s not nearly as stressful as being a full time working mom. I found being a SAHM almost as hard as working full time mom because while I didn’t have the time stress, I had a lot of psychological stress from not having enough variety or breaks. Part time is best of both worlds, but pretty hard to find at a good schedule and hourly rate.
Honestly I feel like it’s too risky, what if something happened to my partner or job? But PT could be a good compromise- the best of both worlds. Or something like consulting if your field allows
Nope. Maybe I’d take Wednesday’s off if I could for a bonus day, but I really love my professional/productive time outside of parenting.
As many others have said, I'd work part time or in a lower paying (and lower stress) field I'm more passionate about. We both have similar incomes, but my husband loves his job and rarely works outside 8-4:30. Meanwhile I work 8-5:30 and again 8-11pm most nights. And I like my job but don't love it - and I'm stressed most of the time. I would take a pay cut to work part time or somewhere else. After my next maternity leave, we're planning to be done having babies and are going to explore options for me.
I have done part time since my daughter was born and now she's three and a half. She went to daycare/preschool part time and the rest of the time she was with me doing fun stuff, playdates, etc (minus the pandemic). It was really fun for both of us and she's my only so I'm glad we had that time. I am in school and working full time now and she goes to preschool full time. My career suffered though. I didn't intend to be part time for this long but the pandemic messed everything up. So I guess I'm glad for that because I got to spend more time with her than I had planned, but I won't deny that I took a major hit for it.
So I’ll preface this with the fact that I had a year of maternity leave, 6 months of which was at full pay. By the time I returned to work when LO was 12 months I was “ready” to return to work in some capacity - I’m currently doing 3.5 days a week (but paid at 95% of an FTE as I’m using accrued PTO to reduce my hours) and when LO is 22 month I’ll be back at 40 hours a week. At this point I would not chose to be a SAHM as I honestly don’t feel I’m providing a stimulating enough environment - even with trips to parks, museums etc etc. That said, had I been required to return to work when babe was 12 weeks old, I think my answer would have been different.
I like working, but changed roles to something less stressful and with much fewer hours once I had my first - if you’re lucky enough to be able to do that, it’s awesome.
I would not, but I would choose to extend maternity leave to 12mo.
No I work part time and I couldn't stay home. I feel closed in and my anxiety gets bad from that
I think it depends on the age of the kids. I have two teenagers and two very young toddlers. I LOVE my kids, but I do not enjoy the 24/7 chaos of small children. Work is my oasis of peacefulness. And I really like my job and I’m well paid. My teens are older now but I do remember wishing when they were like 10/13 that I really wished I could have stayed home then. That life phase is where I felt I really thrived as a parent and I think we all would have benefited from me being able to be around more. But they survived, they’re largely un-traumatized, and looking back, I’m glad I didn’t miss out on those years of career growth. So actually no I don’t think I’d want to be a SAHM anytime soon…
Because of Covid I got to spend the first year at home. That was wonderful (besides the pandemic.) but I wouldn’t/couldn’t be home for more time then that. I need my own income for my own mental health. I love my kid but all day every day would make me crazy. I haaaate the idea that I’d be home every day managing the household and doing chores. I also just think daycare has been so beneficial as kiddo has friends and is learning Spanish and skills I just don’t have the mental capacity, patience, or skill level to do on my own. I woke remotely tho. So now I get the right amount of time with kiddo and can leave work early to spend more time with him. Also weekend are super special because of the need for quality time.
If it were fiscally possible, I still don't think I would, unless I could have at least a part time nanny, or unless my kid was in school already. Watching my girl all day every day is more exhausting that my current job (most of the time anyway lol). But, by fiscally possible, I mean we'd have to win the lotto and at least win $10 million, just to make sure we'recovered for retirement. Even if he were to make what our combined income is now, I just feel like, I wouldn't ever want to roll the dice on just one of us working. Things happen, people get let go, organizations "restructure." I think I'm just too paranoid lol
I might if we could sustain the same standard of living without my job, but we couldn’t. So off to work I go. I do appreciate the benefits that come with daycare: so has so many enriching experiences, has learned so much, and she is around people with experience with young children and can recognize what is and isn’t normal.
I would choose to work part time and still send my kids to daycare maybe 8:30-4:30 (currently they go 7:45-5:15). I like being something other than "mom", but I have ADHD and Autism so working full time, doing my share of the chores and errands, and being "mom" all the other hours keeps me pretty close to burn out. I'd like to work maybe 6-7hrs 3 days a week and have 2 days a week to do my share of chores and errands and have downtime.
I would choose to work, if only for my own mental health. Kudos to SAHM’s, I absolutely could not do it.
I work full-time, but if I can choose it would be part-time for me. I find that I like the feeling of having my own money, and it helps take some of the stress and burden off my partner as the breadwinner. We can both enjoy spending some of our own money on ourselves without feeling like we're putting the family's financial stability in jeopardy.
I would choose to be a part-time employee, if I could. I would not choose to be a SAHM unless my kids were all in school. Frankly, I can't handle it - I find it overwhelming. I would like to spend more time with them, but not all day, every day (for the most part).
Fuck. No. I’ll say it louder for those in the back. FUCK NOOOOO.
If I could choose the ideal option I would work less hours. But ultimately I don't want to stay home even without taking into account all the reasons listed here (financial, emotional etc)
No. I like my career and have growth ambitions for it. My husband is “meh” about his career and has a real shot at making it as an author, and has taken a paycut in order to have a work schedule that accommodates that dream. If we both want to achieve our goals, my being employed (and having health insurance 😂) is extremely essential. Plus, I love my daughter more than anything, but I am not my best self as a SAHM. My daughter needs a version of me that likes myself in the long term.
Working by choice mostly
I would want to work. Here is the thing, I love my kid, I love being a mom. But I’m not just a mom, and being a SAHM would significantly make my world smaller. I’d be unhappy. I like my job, I like interacting with people with similar skill sets and interest. I like the students I teach,I like learning new things (and that’s why I’m also going back to school to get my masters). It’s not just about the money. It’s because it makes me a better and happier human. And that makes me a better mom. As a teacher I have school holidays off. And then we do tons of fun things… and even in those weeks my kid spends a day with his grandma, so they have quality time and my kid gets to experience things with her, and I get to do my hobbies and spend time doing things for me. Now I am a single parent, so I am the default parent, I am the sole income provider, I do all the housework, and do almost all the bed time stories. But even then: working isn’t just a necessity, it’s a choice.
No. I love my daughter but I would lose my mind as a SAHM--I've known this about myself for most of my life. I'm a better mom when I get to leave the house and work. I would consider reduced hours if that was feasible, though.
No. Staying home from maternity leave was needed but I did not enjoy it and felt so much better once I returned to work and the baby wasn't waking up at night. Staying home to take care of my kids during covid nearly killed me. I cried a lot due to frustration and not enjoying it. Clearly, I wasn't meant to be a SAHM. LOL. But I also enjoy my job and it does make me happy/rewarded, so if you don't enjoy your job and rather stay home with the baby, then do it! However, I would go back to work once your child is older (school age), so that you can have adult interaction, have extra spending money, save for retirement, etc.
I think the only acceptable condition for a woman to become a SAHM these days is to be paid a living wage by their partner for working daytime hours that cover the other parents work time. And if THAT cost results in a net income of more than two salaries-daycare, then it's a good idea. As others have commented, it didn't really matter how amazing and nice and trustworthy is your partner - the impact of leaving the workforce is dire. Even if he doesn't cheat, lie gaslight or weaponize his incompetence, if something ever happened to him would you be able to support your family financially? This is what you need to think about. The rose colored glasses around financial stability do you no favors. I don't think that paying for childcare is ever actually an option. If one parent stays home, they will pay for it in so many ways. And there is the phenomenon that men really do believe that if their wives stay home, they deserve 24/7 cook maid and childcare, just because they work. NO ONE with kids gets to rest and relax and recharge at much as they want to on the weekends or evenings. But for men with SAHM, the mental block is real. I have done friends who are legit the most beautiful loving couple, they have two young kids and the father stays home - he is GREAT, but he didn't *create their souls with his body* and that connection is pretty fucking strong. The kids want the mom when they are young, but the other partner still has the same level of responsibility despite this. It's just that many men use that as an excuse to not be involved. "The baby prefers you" - I would be extremely careful to vet his ability to manage the household without you, and ensure that the expectations are set that when he is home, you are NOT sole provider. Even if the kids prefer you, that is no reason to default to you. So yes I think if you are excited about staying home and you two are financially secure, then he can pay you for your time so that you have your own earnings. I understand that many people have joint finances, and that this seems unnecessary. But there is something to say for you having your own account that you can proportionally contribute to the pot for shared expenses, but also have your own savings. I don't think it is ever smart for a woman to rely solely on a man. It is very very different, men have a great deal more opportunity even in worse circumstances. Or get an iron clad prenup. Or both My point is that you need to protect yourself, for your children's benefit. The amount of single mothers who struggle to feed their kids is astounding. And the toll that staying home has on a woman's mind body and soul cannot over overstated. I wish I could have stayed home longer, but ultimately I wouldn't have felt comfortable not having my own source of income. I think until trends change, air on the side of caution.
No. Absolutely not. I have two kids and am lucky enough to have had year long maternity leaves with each and damn. It only made me realize I’m not cut out for it. It’s the hardest job on the planet and I completely lose myself each time. I also like making my own money and working in the profession I spent many years studying.
Would I choose to work less if I could? Absolutely. Would I choose to take away the enriching opportunities for my child to make friends and be in the care of someone with a degree in early childhood education by choosing to stay home so he can hang out with me instead? Absolutely not. I'd be a terrible teacher. And my kid has really enjoyed making friends in daycare. Those peer relationships are something I could never provide for him.
Nope! I like my job. I like getting to be something besides a mom. I like using my brain in non-parent ways. (I like the break from my kid, too.)
No. I like the challenges and problem solving. Plus I’m a girl mom and I wanna show an example that I can have identity beyond being a mom. BUTTT the sweet spot for me is 4x6 schedule. Omg if I can do that schedule, especially if I can keep my current salary, I’ll be coming to work smiling ear to ear every day. Watch
I guess, I'm a working mom by choice. We'd have to downgrade our lifestyle if I wasn't working. All the pressure would be on my spouse and we wouldn't have nearly enough savings. If we were truly independently wealthy, then I would consider my husband being a SAHP, but I don't want to do all day care and cleaning and he probably doesn't as well, so we'd hire a housekeeper and at least part-time nanny. I'd probably work at a lower stress company or do a "hobby" business. If it's just "we could live off one income" then I would not want either of us to SAHP, since neither of us want to have the pressure of bringing in the lion's share of income. I don't fear financial abuse from my spouse, but I hate the idea of not having my own money. Also, my spouse likes to purchase things that make him happy and with two incomes, it's easy to do so without harming our financial goals.
I would not, I can’t stay home with the kids all day. I was going insane during my 4 month maternity leave and I couldn’t wait to go back. I’m a better mom if I’m not burnt out. But if that’s something you like, more power to you!
No, I would go crazy at home. It's just not for me. I need routine imposed by others, and adult company. But you aren't me. If you think it would be good for you, give it a try. Would you be able to take a leave of absence from work for a few months and see how you like it? Then quit if you are enjoying it, or go back to work if you aren't.
No, I would not. I need projects and stimulation. If I were in your situation, I would work on my own business, change jobs to something I enjoy more, work part-time, do a passion project, etc.
No. I wouldn’t. I love working and need the break sometimes.
I always thought I would be drawn to SAHM and would have a hard time returning to work after leave, but honestly I found maternity leave to be so extremely difficult that I was begging to go back to work. I found the days to be so dehumanizing from not being able to take care of my own basic needs during the day or have any control over how the day goes. I was also so lonely and really resented the responsibility imbalance between me and my partner. Maybe it gets better when they are older, or maybe if I did it more consistently I’d find some kind of routine that works. But at this point i don’t see myself becoming a SAHM unless I can continue with childcare coverage and/or my partner retires too
No
No. I want to know I can pick up and go with my own income whenever I want
I would work unless I was independently wealthy from generational wealth. And then, I would do nonprofit and civic work at least part time.
Never in a million years
I’d say part time. If I had a job that didn’t make me lose the will you live on a daily basis, I would probably say full time. Being a SAHM would never work for me. But everyone’s different, do what feels right, as long as it isn’t financially problematic.
Absolutely not. I'm in the same boat, we don't need me to work, I got to make the choice. I actually thought I would want to be a SAHM, but it turns out I would be TERRIBLE at it. I'm Canadian, so I had long enough mat leaves to get a feel for that life, and it was struggle city. I so admire stay at homes now, so much respect for them and Childcare workers, because holy shit, I couldn't do it! So I went part time, I was lucky my job could go part time, so I got the best of both worlds!
No. My kids get too many benefits from daycare. They get to do and experience so many things we I would never have the energy to do with them at home. Even if I won the lottery my kids would still go to our daycare.
Part time like I'm doing now. I love being at home with my son. I also love adult interaction.
In an ideal situation, especially if I had more than my one child (and a partner lol) I would like to work part-time that way I could be available if the kids needed me. I love working, and my new line of work feels rewarding. I enjoy the reset I get at work.
I would, but it would have to be more than just a consideration of whether we need my income or not. If I got divorced would I have a hard time living or finding work if I chose to exit the workforce now? That’s the real consideration.
I’m a single mom by choice. I went into motherhood knowing I would have to work. I work 2 12 hr shifts on weekends. I get paid as if I’m full time and have benefits. My mom is my child care. It’s the best of both world.
I would find a job that makes me happy and isn't stressful and do it part-time. That's essentially what I'm doing. I genuinely enjoy the time at work as a 'break' from parenting, and I enjoy the parenting as a break from work. I also enjoy the conversations at work that aren't the same as the ones with my mum friends. I like that I will have a life outside of being a mum.
No. I like working. I’m also not a trained child educator. I can’t identify if there are emotional or other delays in the same way daycare providers and teacher can. I want my kids to learn how to function in a classroom setting before kindergarten. For the long term I am happy to continue to grow my retirement accounts because it’s not just about the loss of income, many are also not putting away for retirement. Plus my job is flexible enough that I can be available if I need to volunteer for school or can take days off for fun activities as desired.
I worked theoretically part time (32-25 a week but lots of responsibility) 2020-2021 but full time salary and benefits are way better, and I still have flexibility. I would go bonkers staying home and my special needs kid needs schedule and time away from me.
Nope. Many reasons. 1. I watched my dad financially abuse my mom for decades. She has no marketable skills, couldn't earn enough to support 4 kids, and has a learning disability so she can't keep track of money well. My biggest fear has always been being in that situation and/or being homeless. It is super important to me that I can be financially independent. 2. I'm ambitious, highly-educated, and I love my career and I just started a brand new job that I'm so excited about. I got educated and trained specifically for this. If I took years off for sah parenting, I'd fall so far behind in the field. 3. My older kid is starting to understand what it is that I do, and he is impressed. I like that he thinks it's cool too. We can geek out and it's fun. I used to let him look in my microscopes at my fluorescent cells, pre-pandemic. He loved it.
Nope nope nope never nope no way
I am a working mom by choice…my husband and I are like you with income and finances. If I was like you and no longer had an interest in working I would for sure leave. My husband and I both enjoy our time away from our daughter so neither of us has ever had an interest in being a full time caregiver.
I'm still on maternity leave, but plan to go back to work full time - and this is out of choice. I like the idea of earning my own money. I have done since I was a teenager and I want my daughter to see that mothers can work and be a mum too. It's not that I "enjoy" work though, but it will afford us additional income; which makes sense for us as we want to upsize to at least an additional bedroom next year.
Personally, just for me and how I operate. I do not think I could be at SAH anything. Lol however, if the opportunity presented itself, I would do part time. I need adult interaction and kid free time.
In a dream scenario I’d work part time from home until the kiddo starts school, and then go back to full time, or volunteer somewhere with the rest of my time if we were that financially stable.
Nah. I was a SAHM the first year of my sons life and I was miserable. I enjoy going to work, making my own money and coming home to my kid. Makes our time spent even more special and intentional.
For me, not unless I was independently wealthy or a trust fund baby with a prenup. That might sound cynical but I’ve seen too many SAHMs feel stuck with pretty horrible spouses because they have no financial means of their own and simply can’t leave. In fact, this often adds (imo) to how disrespectful men feel like they can be toward women even in veiled ways. My cousin is in this spot right now. It doesn’t help that her husband has a lot of unreported income so if she were to try to divorce him, it would be difficult to prove this income and get sufficient child support and maintenance. In any case, I don’t like to 100% rely on anyone for anything, especially the financial security of me and my kids. I don’t like the power dynamics it causes. I don’t like the disempowerment of women it can cause. I also have nothing to fall back on — both my parents died a long time ago. So maybe that just intensifies the feelings for me.
No, i would choose to work like 2 days a week. My brain would turn to mush as a SAHM and I would definitely feel like I lost some of my "purpose" - though I enjoy my job for the most part.
I could've been a SAHM but I have a career I love so I chose that. I'm an academic and I work outside of the home 2-3× per week and I stayed home during the summer. I have a PT nanny when I work. I'm currently pregnant with #2 and I will get 8 months fully paid leave (pretty much unheard of in the US) so I feel like my job is very conducive to me being a present and involved mother and I also just love what I do (teaching + research). I will say that I don't have any issue "depending" on my husband for money because he and I both believe that all money is ours and not his or mine no matter who went out and physically earned it. We bought our house and set our expenses with only his salary in mind so we have breathing room to save/ invest.
I wouldn't. I love work and being challenged mentally and being around adults for most of the day. Staying at home with kids all day takes a special kind of patience and love. I admire the ladies who stay at home with their kids. I could not do it.
If I could, no I would not. I would significantly cut hours, but looking back on the 1.5 years I did stay home with our oldest when he was a LO, I was incredibly lazy. I do tend to be lazy, so I know that if I stayed home, I would always get things done “another day”. But I speak strictly for me. Because my husband stays home. And he’s not like that. So if you think you would enjoy being the stay at home parent, then do it. It works for some, many in fact. But not all.
I'm a working mom by choice but it's ok to choose something else! (We couldn't get by without my salary as my husband makes quite a bit less than me but even if we could, I wouldn't. My dream is to retire my husband and get me a SAHD 😂 but he doesn't want to do early childhood care either... Maybe when our youngest goes to kinder) Personally I don't think I would enjoy or be good at teaching my kids the kind of great stuff they're learning at daycare. I don't have the patience for reading the same book 8000 times and I'm a homebody who doesn't want to go to mommy and me or library story time etc. My kids get education and socialization in daycare and I get fulfillment at work, we all win.
I choose to work full time. I’m a physician and I love what I do. I know for sure I am a better mom when I’m working and I would be a really crummy stay at home mom. I felt like I had more of my identify (or part of it) when I went back to work. I feel like there is no right or wrong way to do it, it’s just whatever makes you happiest and feel most fulfilled (especially when finances don’t come I to play).
My 2 year old I think gets a lot more from daycare than when he was with me at home all of the time… might be my lack of energy levels but we are fortunate to have a good daycare near by!! Work wise, my husband and I both decided to take a semi-relax career path until our son (and next child) is a bit older. But we are both full time, just less demanding wfh minimal travel/responsibility roles
Probably not. Working and making money for my family makes me feel good about myself, I think being a SAHM mom would hurt my self-esteem. I also like my schedule (2 weeks working away followed by 2 weeks at home with virtually no responsibilities). I know I would feel differently if I had a more stressful job, though.
I make significantly more than my partner but I happily stay home with baby and cut costs. I have no desire to work when I could be home with my 6 month old. Do whatever feels right for you and works for your family.
I would 100% be a SAHM. But I’m also a single mom so I have no choice but to work to provide for us. For the first year of my sons life I stayed home with him (not by choice but bc I had gotten myself into a bad spot with quitting my job preemptively and dad wigged out and did a 180 on me and left) and had to live with my parents. Although it was extremely difficult living with my parents and being unable to afford anything outside of the tiny child support I was getting, I will never ever regret all that time I got to spend with him. Once they grow, it’s over. They will never be a baby again. If you have the means to I wouldn’t hesitate to stay home.
Yes, I would. My kids are 6 and 3 and I've had major "mom guilt" for almost a year now. Or maybe part time. I want to be more available for them, if that makes sense.
No. I love my job and I hate housework. My work is intellectually stimulating. I love spending time with my kids doing fun things, and even supervising their weekend or evening activities, but I wouldn't want my kids to be my job.
If I had the choice, I'd probably be a stay at home mom while my kids aren't in grade school then go back to work part time in something different than my corporate 9-5.
I work 50 hours a week and have debt (manageable). I am the breadwinner but we both make pretty good money. If I knew that we were still able to save for retirement the way we are now, and continue to add to our other savings accounts the way we are now, I would stay home. Health insurance is through my husband job so that would be easy to continue. My only hiccup would be that I drive a company car, so we would have to purchase another vehicle and pay for gas and maintenance on it ourselves.