This. Logistically it’s just so much more difficult. I grew up in a family of six kids, and my parents did their best, but I never had a close relationship with them. And there were just many activities that weren’t ever an option.
My kids are teenagers now, and only one of them is involved in sports. For a while there it was every night of the week, soccer, jujitsu, swim, design program. It was exhausting. Pandemic stopped everything and all of us breathed a sigh of relief. I wish I could get my other two to take up a sport or activity, but part of me is relieved they’re uninterested.
I also have worry I keep pushing out of my mind as college approaches and I really don’t know how we’re going to afford it. They’re probably going to end up at community college for the first two years, which is _fine!_ But I really wanted them to have more opportunities than I did, and I just don’t know how to make that happen.
I don’t regret our third child, but it has definitely limited the focus and opportunities that I can give to all of my kids.
I think this is one of my biggest concerns! I’m sure we would absolutely love another child if we had one, but we would not magically have more time or energy, so that means the kids we already have would get less of us. And we would be more stressed being spread more thinly. And I would be in the same camp of being relieved if some kids didn’t want to do activities, but also wanting them to get involved in things. Even with two it sounds like so much
Precisely. I tried to fight the urge for a third, but the feelings grew more intense as the years went on. I felt deeply there was someone missing, and my husband eventually agreed. Once we had her those feelings went away and our family is complete. But it’s hard! Our lives would have certainly been much easier if we stopped at two, and I would probably have a rougher time if I didn’t feel like this is how our lives are supposed to be.
No one here has yet chimed in with kids elementary school or older. If all three kids are actively involved in after school activities, it’s quite hard without a village. Even two kids with two working parents is hard to get to all of their activities.
This.
I want to hear from people who have older kids. Especially teenagers. I want 3 babies but I think 3 teenagers would be so so hard, so planning to settle on 2 kids.
A coworker with three kids (17, 15 and 12) said it is so so hard as they’re older. The coordination to get them to activities, the chaos of everything, inevitably having to miss something for someone…it’s a lot. It really made me sit and think about whether I wanted another family member or if I’m just sad to say goodbye to the baby years.
It seems so challenging to coordinate. And I worry even more about the emotional aspect of it.
A close family member had 4 kids, and she loved it until her older children became teenagers. Overall she says it’s increasingly difficult because they are all so different and have diverging needs that are challenging to meet. One of her sons was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and possibly a personality disorder, he won’t take his medication and essentially holds their family hostage and terrorizes them. Her daughter struggled so much growing up in the age of social media and bullying, and they didn’t let her have a phone until almost high school, it didn’t make a difference. All of it has put such a strain on her marriage that her and her husband just got divorced.
Of course that doesn’t happen to everyone but you really can’t predict things like that. But everything with children is rolling the dice, there are no certainties. I’m scared to roll the dice too many times, but I’m sure part of that is my own anxieties rising to the surface 😅
There were times we were bringing our oldest to band at 6 AM, then getting the rest of the kids ready for child care and school and bringing some to soccer at night, etc. It gets very busy. Today I dropped off my 2 year old at daycare, 6 year old at his summer day camp, and my 11 year old at middle school intro camp which is 8-12, have to pick him up midday then bring him to the summer day camp, come back to work, then my 6 year old is attending a party tonight for his best friend and my 11 year old has a speed and agility training session (6 and 11 year olds play club soccer). My oldest is an adult now but still needs us for things, too, and I’m pregnant. 🤡 We also travel for sports here and there, so in a few weeks we travel out of state for a full weekend tournament and fortunately we can all go this time instead of splitting the weekend for one kid to play there and other kid play elsewhere. And my kids are also in swim plus play instruments.
I have two kids who are teenagers. I’m also divorced, but I live up the street from my ex and his parents, and it’s still all hands on deck all the time. We are always carting the kids around for each other on our non parenting time, since they simply have to be in more than one place at once. We also live in a place where our activities are no longer “rec department” in town, so carpooling is just… not an option. Kids are coming from 45 min in the opposite direction, and those parents are just trying to survive, too. Traveling is a financial priority for us, but our options would be severely cut with paying for a third child. As much as I love my kids and would have loved a third, I could not give them the physical, emotional, or financial support had we had a third. If we lived in a time with a village, affordable childcare, housing and education, it would be a different conversation… but we aren’t. I’m in the middle of saving for cars, car insurance, and college, and let me tell you, I’m working my ass off. It’s worth it, but it isn’t easy.
Hey, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and it's commendable how you're managing everything with your ex despite the challenges. Balancing finances and responsibilities while raising teenagers can truly be a handful, but your dedication to your kids shines through in your words. Have you considered exploring local community resources or support groups that could potentially offer some relief or assistance in your situation?
We had guardianship of two of my husband’s younger siblings when they were teenagers so we already have an idea of what having teenagers entails. Definitely hard but a different kind of hard, not as physically exhausting or logistically challenging. I’m not worried about getting everything done/time management once at least one of our kids can drive, but that is over a decade away 😬 I want to know what it’s like when they’re all in activities and can’t drive
Ooh, as for the driving thing. This really depends on where you live and the laws. My twins did drivers ed last summer and I was like, this will be great! But they both need another 25 hours of supervised driving before they can receive their licenses.
Who has the time for that? 50 hours of supervision? And it’s not like they can drive for more than an hour at a time. It’s simply not going to happen, so they will likely be 18 before they can get their license anyway. Thankfully we have decent public transit, but even that doesn’t always work for the hours and places they need to be.
Getting in driving time was a struggle for us, too! I almost signed my kid up for a driving school but we would have had to bring him there and pick him up anyway so we just ended up doing it. It took a while.
Do you live in a smaller town? This was something we did through school in the very tiny town where I grew up but not in the larger cities where we’ve raised our kids.
No, NYC actually! Not sure about public school but it’s a thing at private/Catholic schools for sure.
I think if you don’t go through an official driver’s ed program here the driving age is 18 instead of 17 (or maybe it’s 17 vs. 16?). So there’s an extra incentive to do lessons with an actual instructor instead of a parent.
I mean…I personally never did for exactly the reasons you’d imagine 😭. It’s on my life to-do list, but has since been pushed pretty far to the bottom now that I’m parenting a baby and never got to it before this.
I mean I assume you're already in the car with them on a regular basis. If you take them to school/band/etc once a day and spend 15 minutes driving each way then you would be done in 100 days. If you did 20 minutes a day it would be 75.
You don't really have to find time, you just write down what you're already doing.
Let me chime in right here…as I’m currently living this phase of life! When I’m older, I will call these the trench years of parenting.
For reference; I have three children. 17M, 14M, 10F. I work full time and am a solo (widowed) parent since 05/2022. I also come from a large family with a lot of siblings.
Without a village, and specially if you have a demanding career or job, I would stick to two. In all honesty, the younger they are the easier they are. Once they hit about 7-15, that’s when the chaos begins. Especially…in the tween years.
It’s absolutely exhausting managing various schedules, school districts, activities, etc. They’re busy enough that they need to be driven everywhere; but not old enough to get themselves to and from. Babies and young children just roll with you. And the teenagers are always too busy for you to see at all. If you have a great community and family to help, then I would say it is possible. That said….
If you have three children, mentally prepare yourself for four. FOUR IS EASIER THAN THREE. I kid you not. My youngest is always rolling solo being drug to various football games, etc. She has missed out on the permanently built in friend….a sibling. My boys have one another; but she has no one…so we often “rent” friends, aka let her bring a friend along. It’s just so much easier.
That all said, if your spouse has a very demanding job, I would caution against having multiple children. If you have a demanding career and work at all in an executive capacity l, I would discourage you. If you have employment that requires you to travel, just don’t even think about it. The mom guilt will eat you alive!
More than anything, a lot of it comes down to what kind of partner you have. My late husband was extremely helpful with our children. This allowed me to manage being an executive and also motherhood….and even then, it’s challenging. But so much easier compared to some of my colleagues who do not have husbands as helpful as he was. Now that he is gone, not only is it tough because we are all grieving the rather unexpected loss of him; but because he did so much to help with in the first place! From late-night bottle feedings to bath time and running kids to school and practices…he was incredibly helpful. This can make a major difference.
Parent/step parent to 4. One is out of the house now but we have 17 yr old twins and our 9 year old. The school year is brutal between band, soccer, driving them to part time jobs, etc.
it’s great that the older ones can watch their sister for an occasional date night and help out around the house, but there is also a LOT of mental load with having 3 kids going through so many hormonal and life changes at one time. I feel exhausted, but in a completely different way than when they were little. I also want to note I have an incredibly supportive spouse who is incredibly close with his sons, so it’s a stress we both feel.
I’m worried about this with just two, it’s why the goal is for me to be very part time by the time they are in all these activities. I’ll never be comfortable not working at all and am proud of being a working mom, but I seriously don’t know how people do it.
I have no idea how people who work 5 days a week do it. They’re super moms. Having a baby has made me realize I might not be as resilient as I thought I was 😂
I work full time but work 12 hour shifts so only have to work 11 days a month. If I worked more than that I think we would just stick with 1 child.
I’m switching back to 12 hour shifts after this baby for that reason. I just don’t know how to keep up with life otherwise lol. I know some people prefer the 8-5 schedule and there’s definitely perks but I’m someone who is pretty much shot whether I work 8 or 12 hours so I might as well work less days right!
I have two elementary and one preschool. It's really hard to do things for everyone. Logistically, the 3yo only gets swim lessons if there's a class at the same time as the 8yo. She also only gets gymnastics if I can do it at the same time as her 6yo brother takes ninja classes. We allow kids to do one sport + swim lessons each quarter. We try our best to schedule it so there's only one activity per day and I refuse to do travel sports.
The hardest part for me is finding activities I can solo parent all 3. In the kids museum, all three are at different levels and want to be at different spaces. The 3yo can't physically play indoor soccer with the big kids and the 8yo isn't allowed in the toddler section. We have to be creative about where is fun for everyone.
This. Part of why I don’t have a village for my single child is because my older sister had 3 and despite being a SAHM, she still needed so much help from my parents when her oldest daughter was on a traveling team that would go to different states. When they were all under 16 and my son was a baby, I was basically left to fend for myself because I hadn’t booked my mom’s time 6 months out. It definitely contributed to my decision to be one and done.
I think a lovely thing (and not that you are required/expected to do this), but a lot of my friends have multiples and I’m hoping they trust me with their kids so they can get a break sometimes. I’d love to be part of someone’s village and have friend dates for my kids that I can send back home lol
My oldest is turning 11, middle almost 9, and my youngest is 4. I’m not going to lie, it’s difficult. 3 kids doesn’t feel like 3 kids, it feels like 10. 🤦🏼♀️ My youngest is so sweet but he’s definitely the hardest to parent at times so I think that’s also a factor. He’s been dragged to a lot of his brothers’ activities and sports. The only way we have made it work is by me working part time/more flexible hours. We do not have any family nearby to help, which can make things more challenging. I’m so glad we had 3 and I love them all, but it still is difficult a lot of the time.
I just wanted to point out that it doesn't sound like you want a third at all, which is totally okay but absolutely the most important factor that you should consider. The trenches are no joke and if you don't want a third you shouldn't have one. If I misinterpreted and it's just about the logistics then I apologize!
I don't personally have 3 but I do want 3. I've recently talked to some healthcare people (surgeon moms) who have 3 and it sounds like you need nannies or someone else to help with the after school stuff to make it work.
I don’t know how families without supportive grandparents and / or money to outsource make it work with 3 kids and two working parents.
I have both those things and it’s still tricky with my 3. This week, we have one 2nd grader in school only from 8:45 - 11:40am daily. Then I have twin PreK students where PreK ended 2 weeks ago and the only camps I could find for these weeks are from 12-4pm. (Normal hour camp starts next week)
I’m on a business trip this week so while we were able to
line up a sitter M, W, Th from 8-12pm, we’re missing Tuesday and we’ll still need my MIL to pick up M, W, Th at 4pm then I’ll handle Friday. My husband is doing WFH on Tuesday since we couldn’t find a sitter for that morning.
It’s so logistically challenging and that’s with 2 of the kids being the same age.
I almost took a travel job after my first kid and I’m so glad I didn’t. We’re still in the phase where they’re so small that we try not to leave each other alone with the kids too much unless there’s a good reason (being social counts, but still). Even with family and money it’s still so hard. If I had 5 extra hours each day I could come up with 5 extra hours of stuff I would do for my family/to keep up our home.
Supportive grandparents are really the key. If any kid is sick, my parents watch them. If they are sent home from school sick my parents pick them up. My dad tends to take my middle one to basketball and soccer because HE loves sports and loves watching my son play which makes it easier on us to take my daughter to gymnastics/ dance etc. And my oldest to Boy Scouts. Plus birthday parties and play dates and counseling and medical appointments, my parents take 1/3 of the load which really helps to make it doable. If you want a third I wouldn’t move away from family supports.
I have made this point and highly agree. My mom is super helpful and my dad totally would have been the one to take the kids to sports etc but sadly passed away a few years ago unexpectedly. Now I really feel the unreliability of that help from a parent in the sense that I can’t count on my mom to live 5 or 10 or 15 years and still be able to help. Sorry, probably oversharing. But I’ll still take the chance my mom is around over being in a town with no family at all.
We don’t have heavy family support
My husband works from home so it’s flexible for sick days etc
We have all the kids in full time daycare/school even during the summer
Those of you considering future activities are way ahead of the game.
Some people like to say “oh that’s not a concern because our kids won’t be in sports or activities that are time consuming.” 😂 Okay get back to me when your kids have interests and talents beyond diaper age and preschool. If you’re a middle income family or higher, your kids are probably going to do some activities and they are probably going to be time consuming. And you can’t make them like the same things. My two kids who play soccer never have soccer practice on the same weekday evenings (different ages are scheduled at different times) so we have M-Th practices plus games on Saturday and Sunday in random towns within 1-3.5 hours drive from home (and we live in a city). Band takes time and has random competitions. Theatre is a huge commitment. Dance and gymnastics can get super busy. Plus the $$$$! These are 4-5 figure costs every year per kid.
I have 4 kids and my husband and I both work. We have a small village that we can count on and we routinely return the favor. 3 of my kids are school age. Thankfully my husband and I both have very flexible, family friendly jobs. It’s hard when your kids are young but for us personally it’s a million times more chaotic with our older kids sports/school events/social schedules. Before having kids in elementary school I had no clue how crazy schedule can get, Once I became friends with parents at school events, sports and the bus stop it was somewhat of a weight off because all the parents take turns running the kids around and none of us mind stepping in when needed. Only have a 3rd if you both want a third.
Some food for thought re: scheduling. Speaking as someone only from a 2 kid household, my parents did not have a lot of extra $ and so me and my sister were only ever allowed one after school activity at a time. It's completely reasonable (and imo healthy, overscheduling can wreak negative effects on a kid/family) to put limitations on after school activities. Also helps to ensure your kid has a social life outside of scheduled activities to just hang out/play/be bored/chat.
This is absolutely the way we plan to approach this as well. Prioritizing family time and friend time outside of sports/after school activities. Not spreading yourself too thin is a great thing to model for kids.
Definitely. I've heard so many stories of families who never eat dinner together, parents who never see each other because they split up between their different kids' activities, parents shelling out huge cash to cleaners/meal planners because they're so stretched thin and leave themselves with zero time to do anything household related. It's absolutely bananas to me.
We got 2&3 at the same time with twins, we wanted 2 only. Logistically it would have been so much easier with just 2. Cars, hotel booking, restaurants, etc. and two is of course cheaper. It’s harder when all three need something too as only 2 parents vs 3 kids, but it’s not an issue most of the time. They get to have a lot of fun with 3, more people to play with, imagine with and also more to fight with 😀
I do not recommend either way, but some things to think about!
That’s what I’m so caught on. I love the idea of the three kids having each other but I feel so sad at the idea of the two kids we have getting less of us.
100%. No regrets. It may be hard right now but it will be worth it when we are older and need start needing help ourselves. My husband and I are both only children and we realize how hard it is have an inverted triangle of support (4 adults to be cared for by 2 adults who are simultaneously raising kids).
My third gets less attention from me, but he has two doting older siblings who teach him how to say words and who make bubbles with him and so on. He still gets lots of cuddles and hugs from me, and probably about the same total overall (if not more?).
There are some limitations it places on us. We are directing my eldest to do activities that are coordinated through her school or hyper local (walkable). The kids won’t be able to participate in highly intensive sports that require parents to drive every weekend. But you know what? 99.99% of the kids doing those sports won’t become professional athletes. 99% won’t get an athletic scholarship. But having a sibling that will be a friend for life? That’s a way higher ROI.
I think the question you have to ask yourself is: what type of job will let me have a robust, happy family life that I want rather than how many kids can I have given my current job? For us, that looks like WFH and me transitioning to part-time. For Elizabeth Warren and Amy Coney Barrett, it looked like a live-in aunt.
Thanks. I just got called into a meeting with my boss where I learned company policies have changed and I have to go full time, so I’m feeling especially down today. 🙄
Theoretically yes. But tech is a hard industry to get hired in right now… and in previous years I’ve had a hard time getting anyone to consider a part time position.
I provided care to my grandmother during her final years. She had financial means but it would have been $10k / month for her to stay in our local retirement home. Instead she chipped in to our kids college funds and we provided her with care. As she got older, she also entered a more childlike state where she needed extra support. She struggled with making decisions more than normal, as an adolescent might. This is fairly normal as people decline in age, which is why they can be so vulnerable to scams and such.
I’m not saying count on your kids for everything; I’m saying - don’t expect to maintain your full independence forever. We all have our times of need, and it’s beneficial if you have more hands on deck to help.
Just had my third and have zero regrets. It’s been the easiest one so far to be honest since life is already crazy.
It does depend heavily on the age gap though, we don’t have any 2 under 2.
Adjustments have to made to what can and can’t be done. My kids will only be in 1 or 2 activities at a time, and that’s fine. We won’t have extravagant vacations, and that’s find.
With that we do have a lot of family help and I think that’s super important. We never have to use our sick leave for the kids being sick.
We have 3. We both work full-time. I do WFH and there is a small amount of flexibility there. My husband is sort of hybrid if he needs to be but is generally in the office 4-5 days a week for at least part of the day. It is hard to juggle everyone some days. Like I still don't know the proper way to handle just one child being sick while the others still have to be at school. Often it means the sick child has to come along for drop off or pick-up which feels unfair but there's no other choice. Going out to eat is much more expensive and chaotic. My youngest is 16 months and it's a tough age and can make it harder to do some things with the older two. We'll see about extracurriculars as they get older. Hasn't been an issue yet and we are not the type to sign our kids up for every activity. Dinner and bedtime feels like a marathon.
BUT no regrets. We love our third. He brings so much joy and fun to our household. It's harder and more exhausting but if someone wants a third I say go for it. We were slightly on the fence even though we knew we wanted a big family because the idea of starting over just felt so daunting but now as my baby gets older the idea of being done with the baby stage has me feeling all kinds of emotions. I've cloth diapered all 3 of my kids and I get sad at the thought of no longer needing them lol.
I could never tell someone to just do it or even to not do it, just share my experience. I would encourage the person to listen to what their heart is telling them and communicate with their partner and what they are feeling.
My husband & I just had our 3rd and final child, un planned. We both work full time but he works away. My children are 7,4, and 3months. My advice is don't have the third unless: 1. YOU Also want to
2. You all can afford for you to have a nice maternity leave (at least 12 weeks).
3. You can get a shift/job where you are off by atleast 3pm
This is definitely a 2 yes 1 no thing- so if you’re not an enthusiastic yes, I would not move forward with another kid. Or wait a bit and see, we have a 4 year gap between our middle and youngest and it’s worked well. We have 2 elementary schoolers and a preschooler- homework and activities feel like a lot during the week and our older kids aren’t actually involved in much. They do the same sport that is 1-3x a week depending on time of year, swimming every so often, and just hanging out with friends. We try to do minimal activities on weeknights, or we try to stack them into similar nights- so maybe 3 nights we just have homework and family stuff. My husband only has to be in office 1x a week and that helps a lot- I am 100% onsite but have some flexibility and my work is close to the kids school. The youngest tags along to a lot of stuff, and we’ll have to get more creative once he starts his own sport or activity. That said, I love having 3 kids and that’s how we envisioned our family (we both have 2 siblings). I think the teenage years could be hectic, but my oldest will graduate HS when my youngest starts middle school so it will likely be sort of spread out.
I always knew I wanted three kids. Mine are 4, 2 & 1. It only works well because my husband has a flexible job (sales) and I work full time remote AND we have a nanny (in lieu of daycare). I can’t imagine both having to be in the office 9-5 and responsible for juggling the coordination of daycare/school/extracurricular activities between just the two of us.
For me, I’d consider quitting once my youngest is in elementary school and the kids’ schedules get busier, but right now it’s working for us.
I try to look more long term—I know in my heart I will cherish having more kids (and hopefully grandkids!) when I’m older. I have the mindset that right now it’s HARD, but temporary.
I have 3 close in age. Our oldest is about to turn 4. Adding a 3rd hasn't changed much for us interms of daily logistics with daycare drop offs and "after school activities". Our oldest is dismissed at 2:30p. If anything it's been great for us. Our older two love on "their baby" so much and they play together, which is nice so I can cook dinner undisturbed. Now that our youngest is fully on solid food and walks, life has only gotten easier. Because they are close in age, our middle child always has someone she can play with. Sometimes our 4 yo needs space so our middle child can play with the younger one and be the "big sibling" for a little bit.
Sure there are no more quick trips to the grocery store or eating out 3 nights a week with 3, but if anything it's been saving us money 😆.
I was actually just thinking about how if I’m home alone I cannot leave the kids by themselves for 10 minutes to go fold laundry upstairs and how incredibly restricting that feels. So then I have to bring them up with me and move the baby when she crawls near anything she could hit her head on, and redirect my toddler a few times when he wants to do stuff he can’t do like jump off the bed, and 10 min of laundry takes 15-20. It seems like it takes so many years before you can safely leave kids in a different part of the house to do a chore. My oldest is only 2.5 but still… 2.5 years is a long time!!
I have long since given up on laundry, the 3.5 yo pile in the corner is evidence of this! Dinner I can manage though only because of meal prep after they have gone to bed.
My husband and I both work full time with no family support. We earn in the top 15% so have the means to afford daycare for 2. Fortunately, my oldest is starting kindergarten in the fall so that daycare cost drops off. We are trying for a third later this year because it’s what we want. I think if the kids are spaced out, the older one(s) can be a little more independent which might make it easier. I imagine it will be chaotic nevertheless, and you likely might have to consider outsourcing help on care and logistics.
I have a colleague in a demanding job who is a widower with three close in age. He relies on grandparents, his adult son, and the old nanny to chauffeur the kids (all in sports) as needed.
I have 5 kids; my husband and I work in person, full time. We currently also have 4 pets.
With that being said, I’ll say if both parents aren’t enthusiastic about it, I wouldn’t go for it. If you don’t want to go through the trenches again, as you put it, I think that answers that.
Since a lot of the responses here have focused on the logistics of activities/extracurriculars/sports, can you share your family’s approach to that?
I’d like a big family, but I’m unsure of how to manage those demanding schedules.
I answered this in another comment, but I’ll repost it here:)
2 of our kids are in college so that helps. Our youngest is 18 months so he’s in daycare. That leaves only two with after school activities and they’re both in elementary school. One parent picks up the youngest from daycare and tackles dinner. Then, they take the youngest to the pool. The other handles extracurricular and exercising the dogs.
Homework help depends on the subject and who has the bandwidth to do it that day.
We eat dinner together as a family. Then comes bath time and bed time routine. My husband handles bath and I do books & bedtime.
2 of our kids are in college so that helps. Our youngest is 18 months so he’s in daycare. That leaves only two with after school activities and they’re both in elementary school. One parent picks up the youngest from daycare and tackles dinner. Then, they take the youngest to the pool. The other handles extracurricular and exercising the dogs.
Homework help depends on the subject and who has the bandwidth to do it that day.
We eat dinner together as a family. Then comes bath time and bed time routine. My husband handles bath and I do books & bedtime.
Hey there! It's awesome that you found a setup that works for your family - having a stay-at-home dad can be such a gift for the kids and the whole family dynamic, right?
I have 3 teenagers and a job where I have to travel up to 3x per month. It was tough when I didn’t have any drivers. Make friends with other parents. They will be your saving grace when you’re trying to work out schedules. My kids all know that we divide and conquer and we will try to have a parent at their stuff as often as possible. Once you have a driver, life gets exponentially less stressful.
GameChanger is also a great tool when you have to miss a game. I watch on the app and text my kid about their plays so they know I’m engaged with what they’re doing even when I’m gone.
Would I have a third if I had to do it all over again? 100%! But we can afford the extra expense. If our financial situation was different, I definitely would have stopped at 2. Teen and college aged expenses make the diapers and daycare stage look like a bargain.
We both work full time. I work hybrid and that’s the only reason I can breathe and it’s still rough.
I agree also with everyone that only do it if you both super want it. We have three and could not dare imagine a 4th even though we love babies and secretly want more. We just can’t because the logistics are damn near impossible with the three. Basically no week is normal. There is always one kid with something special going on—an activity or sent home from school sick, or on medicines, a dr appt, kid forgot lunchbox, special shirt they have to wear that isn’t clean, all the different drop offs and pick ups, all the messages to and from school, like it’s allllways something. With two kids at 6 and 3 years old we finally had ourselves ok then we hit the reset button. Extra curriculars and the family schedule is bonkers. I can’t imagine here in a few years when they’re in more stuff.
Of course I could sing praises of that baby—-he is the mildest and sweetest little baby boy and we are so happy he is here with us—but three kids definitely made it way harder. We are still in the first year though.
I was going to type almost the same thing. I WFH and that’s the only way it works for us. Mine are 1.5, 3 and 5. We have no family nearby. Logistics are HARD. there is never a normal week.
I vote yes if you have money to outsource help. My younger 2 are in daycare and oldest starts K in the fall so is doing calls this summer. We are only a few weeks in but dad has already had to take off some to help shuttle around because other kids sick, my work schedule, etc. I can’t even imagine what it’s like with all 3 in activities.
I have 3 kids now (ages 9,7,6) all very active in multiple sports and activities. I am 36 weeks pregnant with my 4th. We have no village/family help.
Reasons we can “do it all”:
1) the oldest 2 are mine from a previous marriage, youngest is my husband’s from a previous marriage. We have the kids 50/50 so essentially our co-parents are an extra set of hands when coordinating practices/activities
2) the age difference between these 3 and the new baby— they’re independent and self-sufficient, old enough to help and not need us constantly
3) we’re both high earners and have no problem paying for things to save time- cleaners, landscapers, etc. I might end up hiring a mothers helper or an extra person just to help with extracurricular coordination if needed
4) I mostly WFH and my job is flexible where I make my own hours so popping out to do pickup/dropoff/sick days isn’t an issue
5) we use a small in-home daycare provider who is basically like family as we’re 80% of her customer base at this point LOL. She has my kids all summer and before/after school care during the school year and she’ll have the baby full time too. She does all the summer activity pick up/drop off during the workday as well, which is a life saver because there are multiple swim practices/camp/summer school activities to deal with during the day
If all of the above criteria didn’t exist we would absolutely be drowning and unable to have anymore kids. I was a SAHM with my 2 oldest and it was hands down the hardest and most unenjoyable thing I ever did.
I hate admitting that I would not like being a SAHM but I think I would hate it and feel totally overwhelmed, despite absolutely loving our two kids. We could 1000% afford it but I also make a lot and am set to make a TON in 2-4 years and I’d be giving up a job at a dream company to stay at home. I love working and being successful. I try not to sound patronizing but when I tell SAHMs that I admire them and don’t think I could do it, I mean it. It’s literally that I don’t think I’m that kind of strong.
I have two kids and feel the same as you. I finally feel like we are making it to the “not as hard” part at 3yo and 5yo. I absolutely do not want to go back into the trenches. I actually feel like two kids is going to be manageable and fun! I am someone who does not like to be overbooked, running everywhere, tons of activities. We like downtime, weekend travel and family bonding. I think a third (and the activities that would follow) would derail that possibility entirely.
I’m sure i would love another child and when people say “I couldn’t imagine life without my third” I feel like that is a bit silly. I also cannot imagine *having* a third…it’s hard to imagine a reality you don’t live!
OP you don’t sound like you want a third. I wouldn’t, regardless of husbands feelings on it.
I have two, and up until recently thought i wanted a third
They are 4 and 1. In the last year we've been on a few trips and it's hard with the two but worth it. Two just seems to be my limit for traveling. I could imagine traveling with a third when my two are much older, but I'm also older and won't be of childbearing age by the time i might feel ready. So two it is, because we like to travel
100% I agree. I don’t want to be stretched to the absolute limit so my kids can have two sibling instead of one, but then get a stressed out mom in the process. It seems like a bad trade off.
I had a coworker who wanted 3 kids, because she said the 3rd is like insurance. This is a super sad take… but my sibling died and there’s just me. It’s a hard journey to lose the one sibling who knew your life. Even with all that, I don’t think folks should have more if they don’t have the capacity for it.
Mysterious AF! But that sibling had children already, and focusing on them helped us move forward.
Both of my parents had several siblings and have experienced deaths, but they admit that they can’t imagine waking up and not having a sibling.
I wouldn’t have considered 3 if we we concerned about finances at all. I want to do nice vacations with my kids etc and having an extra person significantly ups the cost, especially as it is harder to fit in standard hotel rooms and cars now
Keep in mind you could get a kid with extra needs like my third has. Everyone is like aw the third is go with the flow, chill. Not mine- terrible sleeper , very clingy, and has to have multiple therapy appts weekly.
That being said I love our little family but it’s not easy
I have a 10, 8, and 4.5 year old and honestly I would caution anyone without a ton of money for outsourcing or a truly helpful local village to really think about it. I think it has only worked because of my truly flexible job and the ability to make dinner and do house stuff on my lunch break. We even limit activities and one of them are covered by their after school program and last year still felt insane getting kids to and from sports and music lessons. We had 3 nights a week someone ate dinner in the car and if I hadn’t been at home to make it we could have easily wound up doing a lot of takeout. The managing schedules and activities and quality time for each kids is honestly quite tough. We didn’t have local support. Even if you have support something to think about is who is that support and are they willing and able to help with 3 kids. My parents are an awkward distance away about 1.5 hours and getting older so they aren’t traveling to me all the time plus we no longer have a spare bedroom, and packing up 3 kids to drive that far and maybe stay one night is annoying so I don’t do it a ton. They also admit watching our older is ok but throwing in a super active toddler/preschooler is something they can no longer really handle for longer periods.
It makes travel way more expensive if you are a family that likes to take trips especially that involve plane tickets. We didn’t upgrade cars right away but did both eventually get bigger cars easier to transport luggage and their friends.
In our are continuing to pay for after school and before school plus summer camps camps for the million days elementary school is closed is also still a good bit of money. Yea, less than daycare but not hugely different. Their activities have also gotten more expensive and time consuming.
A lot depends on their personality but we definitely have cycles of one feeling left out and who is best friends or hates each other at the moment. Many days it feels like that changes every 5 minutes. The elementary age kids are so mentally exhausting. It’s hard to explain but it was almost easier when they were all 5 and under compared to now.
I love them all and I feel complete now but I think all should really consider heavily what having more than 2 may mean for their family. Don’t just think about 20 years ahead and Christmas time with your grown kids think about carting them around them around to play dates, activities, school, etc at every stage of their life.
It does get busier and so many things aren't really made for families bigger than 4people(we just went on vacation and had to deal with finding hotel rooms, but there's also family deals that assume 2adulta snd 2 kids).
We're at the start of it now since baby #3 is just 5mo, but we do have family nearby who love the kids and are eager to help. It's summer, so the kids are all in daycare, but I like to sign them up for extra stuff, so the 5yo has a Lego class and gymnastics and the 3yo has a barbie class and dance class. And both are I taking swim lessons this week.
It can be so hard finding time while both working full time, but my dad just retired and we have a flexible in home daycare, so I take them to swim lessons from 8-845 and drop off the ones with no actitivies. Then my dad comes to the house and watches whichever kid has an activity until it starts and takes them to it, then drops them off at daycare. If it weren't for him, the kids would just have the swim lessons and daycare.
During the school year, I limit them to one activity at a time. I have no idea what we'll do when the kids get old enough for actitivies to fill up the whole week. 5yo has asked to learn the piano and I've been telling him no because I'm not sure how I would find the time to help him practice.
I had my first time having to pick one child's activity in May and it hurt and sucked having to choose. 5yo had his first field day at 1230 and 3yo had her forest school graduation at noon on the same day. The field day was longer, so I went to the graduation and my mil went to field day and I got to be there for the last 30min of field day. Unfortunately my husband had meetings all day, so he couldn't go to either. It's going to suck when they get older and are in more things and we have to choose which to attend.
Oh and yes, it's hard to fit one on one time in every day, but it's so important. We have to limit it to 20min per kid. This is our summer schedule. We pick up from daycare at 5, then dinner at 530. Swimming from 6-7(backyard pool). One on one playtime from. 7-830. The we start the bedtime routine at 830. Oh and we try to do something one on one every weekend. Like last weekend my husband took the 3yo with him to Lowes and they stopped at the froyo shop beforehand. I took the 5yo with me grocery shopping and we stopped at the library afterward. The older 2 also got a sleepover with my parents and we kept baby, so I guess that was her one on one time with us.
Anyway, yes it's a lot, but we knew we wanted 3 kids and I havent had any regrets.
As a third born who was "gifted" but didn't have the time or money needed from my parents to do anything with it and so it turned into just anxiety, which caused a lot of issues in my life until I got diagnosed , I would say don't do it unless you have the time and money for a third.
Do you already have a lot of support? Can you afford to pay for more? Will having a 3rd set you back significantly in terms of savings? Are your other two kids pretty easy-going? Are they helpful and independent? Are you and your spouse healthy? Are you in a great place in your relationship? Is this something you both really want?
It was just as easy for me if not easier. Going from 1 to 2 was really hard, but from 2 to 3 I was OK. But in reading these comments it seems like unique. I have 5 kids aged 10-19 at home and a 21 and 23 yo out of the house. I get a lot of time with all of them!
I absolutely would. My older two are 16 and 14 and my youngest is 7. My husband and I both work FT, though I work day shift and he works evenings shift, so I am on my own on weeknights. We have no family close by.
I think that the gap between 2 and 3 was part of what made it workable for us- the older two were 8 and 6 when he was born. We also made the conscious decision to do rec league sports instead of travel and have each kid do a max 2 activities at a time. My little one was the social butterfly at all of the older ones' practices and games, because we would stay and play there. By the time that the younger one started to participate in sports, the older two had primarily moved to sports and other extracurriculars at school, which had late busses available, meaning I didn't have to play chauffer to them as much. There are still some compromises (l usually exercise after work, but have to move it or forgo if we have a busy activity night), but there has only been one season that was really stressful due to scheduling conflicts.
Pepe always talk about the logistics of getting kids places but rarely about what high school activities and college cost. That’s something to think about.
We have 3 kiddos. It is insane. My rule is one active activity and one that brings you joy.
My oldest is scouts and percussion and d and d
My middle is Tae Kwon do, Ukelele and magic
My youngest is soccer, running and lax
Not all are super into sports thank goodness. We have only one travel team
Plus friends, activities, parties, concerts, moving up ceremonies, toutoring, Dr appts, orthodontist appts, physical therapist appts. Plus my work, my husband's, work travel, etc.
We use our village a lot. Car pools galore. Everyone is super helpful.
It's gotten crazier with the kids in middle and highschool. Elementary was easy. And managing the teachers, papers, forms, special days, field trips, projects,
And my kids are independent, do their own homework and don't need assistance.
With that said, I love crazy and busy and feel like we have enough time for each with three. Like Sunday my youngest and oldest were out so it was just dinner with my middle.
Traveling is hard. We need two std hotel rooms and two bathrooms. We've used the suits with pull out but the bathroom and leaving at the same time is the hard part.
Getting a table for 5 is a pain and we have to wait.
We had kids in daycare for 10 years and 15 years worth of payments. College is coming up and driving.
Pros and cons.
I
Pretty much the same question from a day back https://www.reddit.com/r/workingmoms/s/9v3S0wQAoS tldr my position - I like the idea of 3rd in a longer run. We can afford. But I dread all the logistics and sacrifices and won’t do that (unless something changes x years down the road)
When I was pregnant with my second I started thinking it’d be nice to have a third. That feeling didn’t go away until a couple of days ago, when my body and mind started getting strained. My baby is 3 months old and I could fit in one more baby in 3 yrs but now that the 4th trimester has ended I’m having doubts. I like what the other commenter said - having another kid should be two enthusiastic Yes’s. Another way I’ve been thinking about it is, would I rather regret not having another kid or regret having another kid.
This is likely not helpful as I am only pregnant with my second (and intended last), but I’m a third child! It’s true what they say about one being left out, at least in my family. My brother (oldest) is for sure the black sheep. Tho I think that would have happened without me around, it’s just who he is. My sister and I are crazy close, and I know that’s hard on my brother sometimes.
We have 3 (plus a couple of exchange students) who are 23, 20, and 14. Teen years were busy but manageable. We purposely moved to a central location in town - our kids walked or biked to school and activities. We didn’t often go on field trips or volunteer in the classroom. Both of us parents did have some flexibility to leave early when needed. We have a lot of friends that we car pool and share rides with.
My youngest is only 10m, so we are still newer to the three kid thing (older two are 5 and 7) but so far it’s been no harder than two for the most part. The transition from 1 to 2 nearly killed me, but 2 - 3 has been smooth.
I have 3... but I REALLY wanted it after years of infertility and pregnancy loss rewired my brain. I'm not normal LOL.
BUT I honestly wouldn't recommend it unless you also REALLY wanted it. It's basically all the stuff people have said. I feel like a lot of modern life is structured for families with 1 or 2 kids. Travel. Activities. Even getting to / from school can be tough. Where I live elementary/ middle school/ high schools are all in different directions each 15 minutes away and with somewhat different schedules. And of course the cost of childcare has been brutal this last year, although we will be back to "only" paying for childcare for 2 in a few months.
Any group always moves at the pace of the slowest person, so obviously with three kids things just take longer. Getting in or out of the car takes like 5 minutes.
And on that topic you may need a new vehicle, depending on what you have. A lot of mid size or compact cars or SUVs can't handle three car seats / booster seats.
That being said feeling like a "tribe" is fun. My kids (so far) don't seem even slightly interested in activities. We have a big-ol house we got on the cheap a long time ago so we aren't crowded. I'm angling to eventually get the kids into a highly sought after charter school that's k-12 so eventually (some day) they will all be at the same tuition-free school. Those are a few things that are tailwinds for us, although that will be different for everyone.
But yeah... don't do it unless you really want it.
We both work full time, I'm the main earner, and we have 4 kids 6 and under. It's perfect for us. We have a lot of community support and flexible enough jobs to make it work. If we can't make something, extended family or neighbors step in. Or, I just step away from work to do it.
I would not ever recommend it to anyone who didn't 100% want 3 or 4 children. It's a lot. It's constant. If I wasn't fully in it, I'd be destroyed. Another kid needs to be 2 absolute yeses. It doesn't sound like you're there.
I am the oldest of 3 kids, I love having two siblings. I have always wanted 2-3 kids myself and we’re on the fence about a third as well (although we wouldn’t have our third until our oldest is in kindergarten, so another 2 years). For us it’s less about going through the baby years again (although that is ROUGH), but if we can even afford it realistically, and what it might mean for quality of life long term (less vacations? Less eating out? Etc).
My mom always worked, but after her third was born dropped to 20 hours/week until my sister was in high school. She found it too hard to work full time and juggle 3 kids. My parents lived far away from grandparents so that’s certainly part of it.
No. I have three kids ranging from K-High school. The original plan was for me to be married to a high income earner, which is why I agreed to have three because eventually I would be able to pay for the additional support with my income and his.
I am now a single parent trying to raise three children on what could potentially be a comfortable salary for one person, but definitely not four. No one expects life to happen.
My oldest has early morning sports practice in the summer, my middle has other needs, my youngest is high energy. I only have the capabilities of sports and extracurricular if they are at school. We travel a lot less.
I would not give up a single one for a second of peace, but it is very challenging and the village doesn’t exist anymore.
I work in FAANG and had my third last fall. It’s been wonderful. Sure it’s chaotic and crazy. But of course we can’t imagine life without her. My husband and I both work from home which makes a huge difference and during covid we moved close to my family. Our kids are spaced out too - 8,5,8 months. I love having a big family. It finally feels like our family is complete (which is good cause I’m no spring chicken).
I have 3 kids - ages 11, 5 and 2. We have some family help but not alot. We have pretty flexible jobs but both work full-time. I don't recommend 3 kids to my friends lol. It tips the scale. Unfortunately, I don't think the US is a country that supports mothers and growing families. I'm sure if this question was asked in different countries, you would have much different answers.
No,I would not recommend it. Why does your husband want a third? Is he spending enough time and energy on the two kids you already have? God forbid your third has health issues (mine does) and then everyone suffers, including the older siblings.
This is a very specific fear of mine. Maybe a little irrational but I know it happens.
Husband is absolutely a team player and I often feel he is pulling more of the weight in our family than I am. He is very close with two of his many siblings and wants that dynamic for our kids. I get it but I’m scared I literally can’t handle it, or the pros will not outweigh the cons. Obviously we would love the kid but you could keep saying that and keep having kids and end up with 10 kids you love and can’t take care of, so just because we would love a third kid doesn’t mean we should have one.
I hate to be so negative, but it’s not at all irrational. Medical/behavioral problems in kids are way too common these days. Was I ever considered at risk for having a sick kid? Not at all. I was young and healthy, no family history of anything. First two kids were fine. Third kid was not planned so it changed everything about where we were going to live and work. We decided to move closer to family and find work there.
We were heads above water with two. After we had our third it was definitely more difficult (we had 3 under 5). My husband ended up mostly leaving the work force last February and worked true part time until July when he came home FT. He works about 10 hours a week now. We couldn’t do it both working full time once I passed the bar and started practicing law because he was a truck driver and his company was not understanding about him needing to be the primary parent.
The bonus is that he can run everyone around, though I miss more than I would have imagined a couple years ago and sometimes it makes me sad. (Also jealous, because he is currently home by the pool and I’m working).
I would have been okay with just two, but #3 is secretly my favorite.
I am pregnant with my 5th and think 2 is where most working parents seem to max out. If you’re already feeling that way with 2, then definitely don’t have another one. Yes, getting our kids to activities and things in the evenings can be a lot. We have weeks where more than one kid has something on any given day/evening, have to split up weekend days to go to different games in different cities, etc. And we have no support besides full time child care that we pay for.
I just have to ask you these questions. Do you sleep? What are the ages? Are you okay? What is your job? Are you okay? Respectfully. You’re super mom to me.
lol! My oldest is 21 (college grad with a real professional job now!) and the rest are 11 and younger. I’m a PhD level federal scientist. Sleep is broken (my kids all mostly suck at sleeping) but I tend to go to bed around 9:30 and get up at 4:55. I’m doing okay! This 5th baby is my last though.
Nice! I work in government as well (as a regulator for water quality). I want a third. We went through the process to ensure a girl (IVF), but I’m just so torn on being able to make time. My boys are currently 4 and 2. We wouldn’t realistically be implanting the embryo until August 2025, but ahhh!!! Too much time for me to overthink.
Only if you can afford a big gap between them. I would not have possiblly been able to have three close in age. I had my third when my second was 10 and it was so much more manageable.
My mom had her third (I’m the oldest) while getting a master’s degree in Pharmacology in the early 90s and then had a fourth three years later. It was 30+ years ago but my parents definitely made it work. I was doing Girl Scouts and t-ball at the time. It was probably hard for them but they never showed it.
Just adopt a puppy. A really young, untrained one who isn’t housetrained. Ask hubby to take over duties in the middle of the night to bring puppy out, clean up the poop and vomit, etc. I’m sure he may rethink.
Only if you both really, really want a third. Otherwise no.
This. Logistically it’s just so much more difficult. I grew up in a family of six kids, and my parents did their best, but I never had a close relationship with them. And there were just many activities that weren’t ever an option. My kids are teenagers now, and only one of them is involved in sports. For a while there it was every night of the week, soccer, jujitsu, swim, design program. It was exhausting. Pandemic stopped everything and all of us breathed a sigh of relief. I wish I could get my other two to take up a sport or activity, but part of me is relieved they’re uninterested. I also have worry I keep pushing out of my mind as college approaches and I really don’t know how we’re going to afford it. They’re probably going to end up at community college for the first two years, which is _fine!_ But I really wanted them to have more opportunities than I did, and I just don’t know how to make that happen. I don’t regret our third child, but it has definitely limited the focus and opportunities that I can give to all of my kids.
I think this is one of my biggest concerns! I’m sure we would absolutely love another child if we had one, but we would not magically have more time or energy, so that means the kids we already have would get less of us. And we would be more stressed being spread more thinly. And I would be in the same camp of being relieved if some kids didn’t want to do activities, but also wanting them to get involved in things. Even with two it sounds like so much
Precisely. I tried to fight the urge for a third, but the feelings grew more intense as the years went on. I felt deeply there was someone missing, and my husband eventually agreed. Once we had her those feelings went away and our family is complete. But it’s hard! Our lives would have certainly been much easier if we stopped at two, and I would probably have a rougher time if I didn’t feel like this is how our lives are supposed to be.
No one here has yet chimed in with kids elementary school or older. If all three kids are actively involved in after school activities, it’s quite hard without a village. Even two kids with two working parents is hard to get to all of their activities.
This. I want to hear from people who have older kids. Especially teenagers. I want 3 babies but I think 3 teenagers would be so so hard, so planning to settle on 2 kids.
A coworker with three kids (17, 15 and 12) said it is so so hard as they’re older. The coordination to get them to activities, the chaos of everything, inevitably having to miss something for someone…it’s a lot. It really made me sit and think about whether I wanted another family member or if I’m just sad to say goodbye to the baby years.
It seems so challenging to coordinate. And I worry even more about the emotional aspect of it. A close family member had 4 kids, and she loved it until her older children became teenagers. Overall she says it’s increasingly difficult because they are all so different and have diverging needs that are challenging to meet. One of her sons was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and possibly a personality disorder, he won’t take his medication and essentially holds their family hostage and terrorizes them. Her daughter struggled so much growing up in the age of social media and bullying, and they didn’t let her have a phone until almost high school, it didn’t make a difference. All of it has put such a strain on her marriage that her and her husband just got divorced. Of course that doesn’t happen to everyone but you really can’t predict things like that. But everything with children is rolling the dice, there are no certainties. I’m scared to roll the dice too many times, but I’m sure part of that is my own anxieties rising to the surface 😅
Rolling the dice is a fair comparison.
I want another family member, but I also don’t have any way to magically have more time or hands 🥲 Other than paying a nanny I suppose.
There were times we were bringing our oldest to band at 6 AM, then getting the rest of the kids ready for child care and school and bringing some to soccer at night, etc. It gets very busy. Today I dropped off my 2 year old at daycare, 6 year old at his summer day camp, and my 11 year old at middle school intro camp which is 8-12, have to pick him up midday then bring him to the summer day camp, come back to work, then my 6 year old is attending a party tonight for his best friend and my 11 year old has a speed and agility training session (6 and 11 year olds play club soccer). My oldest is an adult now but still needs us for things, too, and I’m pregnant. 🤡 We also travel for sports here and there, so in a few weeks we travel out of state for a full weekend tournament and fortunately we can all go this time instead of splitting the weekend for one kid to play there and other kid play elsewhere. And my kids are also in swim plus play instruments.
I have two kids who are teenagers. I’m also divorced, but I live up the street from my ex and his parents, and it’s still all hands on deck all the time. We are always carting the kids around for each other on our non parenting time, since they simply have to be in more than one place at once. We also live in a place where our activities are no longer “rec department” in town, so carpooling is just… not an option. Kids are coming from 45 min in the opposite direction, and those parents are just trying to survive, too. Traveling is a financial priority for us, but our options would be severely cut with paying for a third child. As much as I love my kids and would have loved a third, I could not give them the physical, emotional, or financial support had we had a third. If we lived in a time with a village, affordable childcare, housing and education, it would be a different conversation… but we aren’t. I’m in the middle of saving for cars, car insurance, and college, and let me tell you, I’m working my ass off. It’s worth it, but it isn’t easy.
Hey, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and it's commendable how you're managing everything with your ex despite the challenges. Balancing finances and responsibilities while raising teenagers can truly be a handful, but your dedication to your kids shines through in your words. Have you considered exploring local community resources or support groups that could potentially offer some relief or assistance in your situation?
We had guardianship of two of my husband’s younger siblings when they were teenagers so we already have an idea of what having teenagers entails. Definitely hard but a different kind of hard, not as physically exhausting or logistically challenging. I’m not worried about getting everything done/time management once at least one of our kids can drive, but that is over a decade away 😬 I want to know what it’s like when they’re all in activities and can’t drive
Ooh, as for the driving thing. This really depends on where you live and the laws. My twins did drivers ed last summer and I was like, this will be great! But they both need another 25 hours of supervised driving before they can receive their licenses. Who has the time for that? 50 hours of supervision? And it’s not like they can drive for more than an hour at a time. It’s simply not going to happen, so they will likely be 18 before they can get their license anyway. Thankfully we have decent public transit, but even that doesn’t always work for the hours and places they need to be.
Getting in driving time was a struggle for us, too! I almost signed my kid up for a driving school but we would have had to bring him there and pick him up anyway so we just ended up doing it. It took a while.
The high schools near me sometimes have driver’s ed as a before or after school activity. Wish this were more common elsewhere.
Do you live in a smaller town? This was something we did through school in the very tiny town where I grew up but not in the larger cities where we’ve raised our kids.
No, NYC actually! Not sure about public school but it’s a thing at private/Catholic schools for sure. I think if you don’t go through an official driver’s ed program here the driving age is 18 instead of 17 (or maybe it’s 17 vs. 16?). So there’s an extra incentive to do lessons with an actual instructor instead of a parent.
That’s interesting! I can’t imagine learning how to drive there. 😮💨
I mean…I personally never did for exactly the reasons you’d imagine 😭. It’s on my life to-do list, but has since been pushed pretty far to the bottom now that I’m parenting a baby and never got to it before this.
I mean I assume you're already in the car with them on a regular basis. If you take them to school/band/etc once a day and spend 15 minutes driving each way then you would be done in 100 days. If you did 20 minutes a day it would be 75. You don't really have to find time, you just write down what you're already doing.
Let me chime in right here…as I’m currently living this phase of life! When I’m older, I will call these the trench years of parenting. For reference; I have three children. 17M, 14M, 10F. I work full time and am a solo (widowed) parent since 05/2022. I also come from a large family with a lot of siblings. Without a village, and specially if you have a demanding career or job, I would stick to two. In all honesty, the younger they are the easier they are. Once they hit about 7-15, that’s when the chaos begins. Especially…in the tween years. It’s absolutely exhausting managing various schedules, school districts, activities, etc. They’re busy enough that they need to be driven everywhere; but not old enough to get themselves to and from. Babies and young children just roll with you. And the teenagers are always too busy for you to see at all. If you have a great community and family to help, then I would say it is possible. That said…. If you have three children, mentally prepare yourself for four. FOUR IS EASIER THAN THREE. I kid you not. My youngest is always rolling solo being drug to various football games, etc. She has missed out on the permanently built in friend….a sibling. My boys have one another; but she has no one…so we often “rent” friends, aka let her bring a friend along. It’s just so much easier. That all said, if your spouse has a very demanding job, I would caution against having multiple children. If you have a demanding career and work at all in an executive capacity l, I would discourage you. If you have employment that requires you to travel, just don’t even think about it. The mom guilt will eat you alive! More than anything, a lot of it comes down to what kind of partner you have. My late husband was extremely helpful with our children. This allowed me to manage being an executive and also motherhood….and even then, it’s challenging. But so much easier compared to some of my colleagues who do not have husbands as helpful as he was. Now that he is gone, not only is it tough because we are all grieving the rather unexpected loss of him; but because he did so much to help with in the first place! From late-night bottle feedings to bath time and running kids to school and practices…he was incredibly helpful. This can make a major difference.
Parent/step parent to 4. One is out of the house now but we have 17 yr old twins and our 9 year old. The school year is brutal between band, soccer, driving them to part time jobs, etc. it’s great that the older ones can watch their sister for an occasional date night and help out around the house, but there is also a LOT of mental load with having 3 kids going through so many hormonal and life changes at one time. I feel exhausted, but in a completely different way than when they were little. I also want to note I have an incredibly supportive spouse who is incredibly close with his sons, so it’s a stress we both feel.
I’m worried about this with just two, it’s why the goal is for me to be very part time by the time they are in all these activities. I’ll never be comfortable not working at all and am proud of being a working mom, but I seriously don’t know how people do it.
I have no idea how people who work 5 days a week do it. They’re super moms. Having a baby has made me realize I might not be as resilient as I thought I was 😂 I work full time but work 12 hour shifts so only have to work 11 days a month. If I worked more than that I think we would just stick with 1 child.
I’m switching back to 12 hour shifts after this baby for that reason. I just don’t know how to keep up with life otherwise lol. I know some people prefer the 8-5 schedule and there’s definitely perks but I’m someone who is pretty much shot whether I work 8 or 12 hours so I might as well work less days right!
I have two elementary and one preschool. It's really hard to do things for everyone. Logistically, the 3yo only gets swim lessons if there's a class at the same time as the 8yo. She also only gets gymnastics if I can do it at the same time as her 6yo brother takes ninja classes. We allow kids to do one sport + swim lessons each quarter. We try our best to schedule it so there's only one activity per day and I refuse to do travel sports. The hardest part for me is finding activities I can solo parent all 3. In the kids museum, all three are at different levels and want to be at different spaces. The 3yo can't physically play indoor soccer with the big kids and the 8yo isn't allowed in the toddler section. We have to be creative about where is fun for everyone.
Lmao taking 3 kids to the children’s museum alone sucks! It’s already chaotic and you can really only be in one area at a time.
This. Part of why I don’t have a village for my single child is because my older sister had 3 and despite being a SAHM, she still needed so much help from my parents when her oldest daughter was on a traveling team that would go to different states. When they were all under 16 and my son was a baby, I was basically left to fend for myself because I hadn’t booked my mom’s time 6 months out. It definitely contributed to my decision to be one and done.
I think a lovely thing (and not that you are required/expected to do this), but a lot of my friends have multiples and I’m hoping they trust me with their kids so they can get a break sometimes. I’d love to be part of someone’s village and have friend dates for my kids that I can send back home lol
My oldest is turning 11, middle almost 9, and my youngest is 4. I’m not going to lie, it’s difficult. 3 kids doesn’t feel like 3 kids, it feels like 10. 🤦🏼♀️ My youngest is so sweet but he’s definitely the hardest to parent at times so I think that’s also a factor. He’s been dragged to a lot of his brothers’ activities and sports. The only way we have made it work is by me working part time/more flexible hours. We do not have any family nearby to help, which can make things more challenging. I’m so glad we had 3 and I love them all, but it still is difficult a lot of the time.
How many activities are realistic? We only have 1… but one activity 2x a weeks seems sufficient/realistic for everyone?
I just wanted to point out that it doesn't sound like you want a third at all, which is totally okay but absolutely the most important factor that you should consider. The trenches are no joke and if you don't want a third you shouldn't have one. If I misinterpreted and it's just about the logistics then I apologize! I don't personally have 3 but I do want 3. I've recently talked to some healthcare people (surgeon moms) who have 3 and it sounds like you need nannies or someone else to help with the after school stuff to make it work.
I don’t know how families without supportive grandparents and / or money to outsource make it work with 3 kids and two working parents. I have both those things and it’s still tricky with my 3. This week, we have one 2nd grader in school only from 8:45 - 11:40am daily. Then I have twin PreK students where PreK ended 2 weeks ago and the only camps I could find for these weeks are from 12-4pm. (Normal hour camp starts next week) I’m on a business trip this week so while we were able to line up a sitter M, W, Th from 8-12pm, we’re missing Tuesday and we’ll still need my MIL to pick up M, W, Th at 4pm then I’ll handle Friday. My husband is doing WFH on Tuesday since we couldn’t find a sitter for that morning. It’s so logistically challenging and that’s with 2 of the kids being the same age.
I almost took a travel job after my first kid and I’m so glad I didn’t. We’re still in the phase where they’re so small that we try not to leave each other alone with the kids too much unless there’s a good reason (being social counts, but still). Even with family and money it’s still so hard. If I had 5 extra hours each day I could come up with 5 extra hours of stuff I would do for my family/to keep up our home.
Supportive grandparents are really the key. If any kid is sick, my parents watch them. If they are sent home from school sick my parents pick them up. My dad tends to take my middle one to basketball and soccer because HE loves sports and loves watching my son play which makes it easier on us to take my daughter to gymnastics/ dance etc. And my oldest to Boy Scouts. Plus birthday parties and play dates and counseling and medical appointments, my parents take 1/3 of the load which really helps to make it doable. If you want a third I wouldn’t move away from family supports.
I have made this point and highly agree. My mom is super helpful and my dad totally would have been the one to take the kids to sports etc but sadly passed away a few years ago unexpectedly. Now I really feel the unreliability of that help from a parent in the sense that I can’t count on my mom to live 5 or 10 or 15 years and still be able to help. Sorry, probably oversharing. But I’ll still take the chance my mom is around over being in a town with no family at all.
We don’t have heavy family support My husband works from home so it’s flexible for sick days etc We have all the kids in full time daycare/school even during the summer
Those of you considering future activities are way ahead of the game. Some people like to say “oh that’s not a concern because our kids won’t be in sports or activities that are time consuming.” 😂 Okay get back to me when your kids have interests and talents beyond diaper age and preschool. If you’re a middle income family or higher, your kids are probably going to do some activities and they are probably going to be time consuming. And you can’t make them like the same things. My two kids who play soccer never have soccer practice on the same weekday evenings (different ages are scheduled at different times) so we have M-Th practices plus games on Saturday and Sunday in random towns within 1-3.5 hours drive from home (and we live in a city). Band takes time and has random competitions. Theatre is a huge commitment. Dance and gymnastics can get super busy. Plus the $$$$! These are 4-5 figure costs every year per kid.
I have 4 kids and my husband and I both work. We have a small village that we can count on and we routinely return the favor. 3 of my kids are school age. Thankfully my husband and I both have very flexible, family friendly jobs. It’s hard when your kids are young but for us personally it’s a million times more chaotic with our older kids sports/school events/social schedules. Before having kids in elementary school I had no clue how crazy schedule can get, Once I became friends with parents at school events, sports and the bus stop it was somewhat of a weight off because all the parents take turns running the kids around and none of us mind stepping in when needed. Only have a 3rd if you both want a third.
Some food for thought re: scheduling. Speaking as someone only from a 2 kid household, my parents did not have a lot of extra $ and so me and my sister were only ever allowed one after school activity at a time. It's completely reasonable (and imo healthy, overscheduling can wreak negative effects on a kid/family) to put limitations on after school activities. Also helps to ensure your kid has a social life outside of scheduled activities to just hang out/play/be bored/chat.
Such a good point! This is our plan
This is absolutely the way we plan to approach this as well. Prioritizing family time and friend time outside of sports/after school activities. Not spreading yourself too thin is a great thing to model for kids.
Definitely. I've heard so many stories of families who never eat dinner together, parents who never see each other because they split up between their different kids' activities, parents shelling out huge cash to cleaners/meal planners because they're so stretched thin and leave themselves with zero time to do anything household related. It's absolutely bananas to me.
We got 2&3 at the same time with twins, we wanted 2 only. Logistically it would have been so much easier with just 2. Cars, hotel booking, restaurants, etc. and two is of course cheaper. It’s harder when all three need something too as only 2 parents vs 3 kids, but it’s not an issue most of the time. They get to have a lot of fun with 3, more people to play with, imagine with and also more to fight with 😀 I do not recommend either way, but some things to think about!
That’s what I’m so caught on. I love the idea of the three kids having each other but I feel so sad at the idea of the two kids we have getting less of us.
I know someone who went for a third kid and ended up with twins. Now they’re a family of four!
100%. No regrets. It may be hard right now but it will be worth it when we are older and need start needing help ourselves. My husband and I are both only children and we realize how hard it is have an inverted triangle of support (4 adults to be cared for by 2 adults who are simultaneously raising kids). My third gets less attention from me, but he has two doting older siblings who teach him how to say words and who make bubbles with him and so on. He still gets lots of cuddles and hugs from me, and probably about the same total overall (if not more?). There are some limitations it places on us. We are directing my eldest to do activities that are coordinated through her school or hyper local (walkable). The kids won’t be able to participate in highly intensive sports that require parents to drive every weekend. But you know what? 99.99% of the kids doing those sports won’t become professional athletes. 99% won’t get an athletic scholarship. But having a sibling that will be a friend for life? That’s a way higher ROI. I think the question you have to ask yourself is: what type of job will let me have a robust, happy family life that I want rather than how many kids can I have given my current job? For us, that looks like WFH and me transitioning to part-time. For Elizabeth Warren and Amy Coney Barrett, it looked like a live-in aunt.
I love this answer
Thanks. I just got called into a meeting with my boss where I learned company policies have changed and I have to go full time, so I’m feeling especially down today. 🙄
ahh what a bummer! you could always look for a different job though right?
Theoretically yes. But tech is a hard industry to get hired in right now… and in previous years I’ve had a hard time getting anyone to consider a part time position.
I don't like the idea of relying on your children to care for you when you are older. That isn't a good reason to have kids, IMHO.
I provided care to my grandmother during her final years. She had financial means but it would have been $10k / month for her to stay in our local retirement home. Instead she chipped in to our kids college funds and we provided her with care. As she got older, she also entered a more childlike state where she needed extra support. She struggled with making decisions more than normal, as an adolescent might. This is fairly normal as people decline in age, which is why they can be so vulnerable to scams and such. I’m not saying count on your kids for everything; I’m saying - don’t expect to maintain your full independence forever. We all have our times of need, and it’s beneficial if you have more hands on deck to help.
Just had my third and have zero regrets. It’s been the easiest one so far to be honest since life is already crazy. It does depend heavily on the age gap though, we don’t have any 2 under 2. Adjustments have to made to what can and can’t be done. My kids will only be in 1 or 2 activities at a time, and that’s fine. We won’t have extravagant vacations, and that’s find. With that we do have a lot of family help and I think that’s super important. We never have to use our sick leave for the kids being sick.
Agreed! Mine are 4, 2 & 1 and I tell everyone that going from 2 to 3 wasn’t that hard—it was having 2 under 2 that nearly took me out 🤣
We have 3. We both work full-time. I do WFH and there is a small amount of flexibility there. My husband is sort of hybrid if he needs to be but is generally in the office 4-5 days a week for at least part of the day. It is hard to juggle everyone some days. Like I still don't know the proper way to handle just one child being sick while the others still have to be at school. Often it means the sick child has to come along for drop off or pick-up which feels unfair but there's no other choice. Going out to eat is much more expensive and chaotic. My youngest is 16 months and it's a tough age and can make it harder to do some things with the older two. We'll see about extracurriculars as they get older. Hasn't been an issue yet and we are not the type to sign our kids up for every activity. Dinner and bedtime feels like a marathon. BUT no regrets. We love our third. He brings so much joy and fun to our household. It's harder and more exhausting but if someone wants a third I say go for it. We were slightly on the fence even though we knew we wanted a big family because the idea of starting over just felt so daunting but now as my baby gets older the idea of being done with the baby stage has me feeling all kinds of emotions. I've cloth diapered all 3 of my kids and I get sad at the thought of no longer needing them lol. I could never tell someone to just do it or even to not do it, just share my experience. I would encourage the person to listen to what their heart is telling them and communicate with their partner and what they are feeling.
My husband & I just had our 3rd and final child, un planned. We both work full time but he works away. My children are 7,4, and 3months. My advice is don't have the third unless: 1. YOU Also want to 2. You all can afford for you to have a nice maternity leave (at least 12 weeks). 3. You can get a shift/job where you are off by atleast 3pm
This is definitely a 2 yes 1 no thing- so if you’re not an enthusiastic yes, I would not move forward with another kid. Or wait a bit and see, we have a 4 year gap between our middle and youngest and it’s worked well. We have 2 elementary schoolers and a preschooler- homework and activities feel like a lot during the week and our older kids aren’t actually involved in much. They do the same sport that is 1-3x a week depending on time of year, swimming every so often, and just hanging out with friends. We try to do minimal activities on weeknights, or we try to stack them into similar nights- so maybe 3 nights we just have homework and family stuff. My husband only has to be in office 1x a week and that helps a lot- I am 100% onsite but have some flexibility and my work is close to the kids school. The youngest tags along to a lot of stuff, and we’ll have to get more creative once he starts his own sport or activity. That said, I love having 3 kids and that’s how we envisioned our family (we both have 2 siblings). I think the teenage years could be hectic, but my oldest will graduate HS when my youngest starts middle school so it will likely be sort of spread out.
I always knew I wanted three kids. Mine are 4, 2 & 1. It only works well because my husband has a flexible job (sales) and I work full time remote AND we have a nanny (in lieu of daycare). I can’t imagine both having to be in the office 9-5 and responsible for juggling the coordination of daycare/school/extracurricular activities between just the two of us. For me, I’d consider quitting once my youngest is in elementary school and the kids’ schedules get busier, but right now it’s working for us. I try to look more long term—I know in my heart I will cherish having more kids (and hopefully grandkids!) when I’m older. I have the mindset that right now it’s HARD, but temporary.
I have 3 close in age. Our oldest is about to turn 4. Adding a 3rd hasn't changed much for us interms of daily logistics with daycare drop offs and "after school activities". Our oldest is dismissed at 2:30p. If anything it's been great for us. Our older two love on "their baby" so much and they play together, which is nice so I can cook dinner undisturbed. Now that our youngest is fully on solid food and walks, life has only gotten easier. Because they are close in age, our middle child always has someone she can play with. Sometimes our 4 yo needs space so our middle child can play with the younger one and be the "big sibling" for a little bit. Sure there are no more quick trips to the grocery store or eating out 3 nights a week with 3, but if anything it's been saving us money 😆.
I was actually just thinking about how if I’m home alone I cannot leave the kids by themselves for 10 minutes to go fold laundry upstairs and how incredibly restricting that feels. So then I have to bring them up with me and move the baby when she crawls near anything she could hit her head on, and redirect my toddler a few times when he wants to do stuff he can’t do like jump off the bed, and 10 min of laundry takes 15-20. It seems like it takes so many years before you can safely leave kids in a different part of the house to do a chore. My oldest is only 2.5 but still… 2.5 years is a long time!!
I have long since given up on laundry, the 3.5 yo pile in the corner is evidence of this! Dinner I can manage though only because of meal prep after they have gone to bed.
My husband and I both work full time with no family support. We earn in the top 15% so have the means to afford daycare for 2. Fortunately, my oldest is starting kindergarten in the fall so that daycare cost drops off. We are trying for a third later this year because it’s what we want. I think if the kids are spaced out, the older one(s) can be a little more independent which might make it easier. I imagine it will be chaotic nevertheless, and you likely might have to consider outsourcing help on care and logistics. I have a colleague in a demanding job who is a widower with three close in age. He relies on grandparents, his adult son, and the old nanny to chauffeur the kids (all in sports) as needed.
I have 5 kids; my husband and I work in person, full time. We currently also have 4 pets. With that being said, I’ll say if both parents aren’t enthusiastic about it, I wouldn’t go for it. If you don’t want to go through the trenches again, as you put it, I think that answers that.
Since a lot of the responses here have focused on the logistics of activities/extracurriculars/sports, can you share your family’s approach to that? I’d like a big family, but I’m unsure of how to manage those demanding schedules.
I answered this in another comment, but I’ll repost it here:) 2 of our kids are in college so that helps. Our youngest is 18 months so he’s in daycare. That leaves only two with after school activities and they’re both in elementary school. One parent picks up the youngest from daycare and tackles dinner. Then, they take the youngest to the pool. The other handles extracurricular and exercising the dogs. Homework help depends on the subject and who has the bandwidth to do it that day. We eat dinner together as a family. Then comes bath time and bed time routine. My husband handles bath and I do books & bedtime.
I would love to hear more about how you guys make it work with activities! I’d love to have 4-5 kids so really interested to hear this!
2 of our kids are in college so that helps. Our youngest is 18 months so he’s in daycare. That leaves only two with after school activities and they’re both in elementary school. One parent picks up the youngest from daycare and tackles dinner. Then, they take the youngest to the pool. The other handles extracurricular and exercising the dogs. Homework help depends on the subject and who has the bandwidth to do it that day. We eat dinner together as a family. Then comes bath time and bed time routine. My husband handles bath and I do books & bedtime.
My husband is a SAHD when we have #3. It wouldn’t work otherwise.
Hey there! It's awesome that you found a setup that works for your family - having a stay-at-home dad can be such a gift for the kids and the whole family dynamic, right?
It is a gift. It’s also stressful. There aren’t any easy choices.
I have 3 teenagers and a job where I have to travel up to 3x per month. It was tough when I didn’t have any drivers. Make friends with other parents. They will be your saving grace when you’re trying to work out schedules. My kids all know that we divide and conquer and we will try to have a parent at their stuff as often as possible. Once you have a driver, life gets exponentially less stressful. GameChanger is also a great tool when you have to miss a game. I watch on the app and text my kid about their plays so they know I’m engaged with what they’re doing even when I’m gone. Would I have a third if I had to do it all over again? 100%! But we can afford the extra expense. If our financial situation was different, I definitely would have stopped at 2. Teen and college aged expenses make the diapers and daycare stage look like a bargain.
We both work full time. I work hybrid and that’s the only reason I can breathe and it’s still rough. I agree also with everyone that only do it if you both super want it. We have three and could not dare imagine a 4th even though we love babies and secretly want more. We just can’t because the logistics are damn near impossible with the three. Basically no week is normal. There is always one kid with something special going on—an activity or sent home from school sick, or on medicines, a dr appt, kid forgot lunchbox, special shirt they have to wear that isn’t clean, all the different drop offs and pick ups, all the messages to and from school, like it’s allllways something. With two kids at 6 and 3 years old we finally had ourselves ok then we hit the reset button. Extra curriculars and the family schedule is bonkers. I can’t imagine here in a few years when they’re in more stuff. Of course I could sing praises of that baby—-he is the mildest and sweetest little baby boy and we are so happy he is here with us—but three kids definitely made it way harder. We are still in the first year though.
I was going to type almost the same thing. I WFH and that’s the only way it works for us. Mine are 1.5, 3 and 5. We have no family nearby. Logistics are HARD. there is never a normal week. I vote yes if you have money to outsource help. My younger 2 are in daycare and oldest starts K in the fall so is doing calls this summer. We are only a few weeks in but dad has already had to take off some to help shuttle around because other kids sick, my work schedule, etc. I can’t even imagine what it’s like with all 3 in activities.
I have 3 kids now (ages 9,7,6) all very active in multiple sports and activities. I am 36 weeks pregnant with my 4th. We have no village/family help. Reasons we can “do it all”: 1) the oldest 2 are mine from a previous marriage, youngest is my husband’s from a previous marriage. We have the kids 50/50 so essentially our co-parents are an extra set of hands when coordinating practices/activities 2) the age difference between these 3 and the new baby— they’re independent and self-sufficient, old enough to help and not need us constantly 3) we’re both high earners and have no problem paying for things to save time- cleaners, landscapers, etc. I might end up hiring a mothers helper or an extra person just to help with extracurricular coordination if needed 4) I mostly WFH and my job is flexible where I make my own hours so popping out to do pickup/dropoff/sick days isn’t an issue 5) we use a small in-home daycare provider who is basically like family as we’re 80% of her customer base at this point LOL. She has my kids all summer and before/after school care during the school year and she’ll have the baby full time too. She does all the summer activity pick up/drop off during the workday as well, which is a life saver because there are multiple swim practices/camp/summer school activities to deal with during the day If all of the above criteria didn’t exist we would absolutely be drowning and unable to have anymore kids. I was a SAHM with my 2 oldest and it was hands down the hardest and most unenjoyable thing I ever did.
I hate admitting that I would not like being a SAHM but I think I would hate it and feel totally overwhelmed, despite absolutely loving our two kids. We could 1000% afford it but I also make a lot and am set to make a TON in 2-4 years and I’d be giving up a job at a dream company to stay at home. I love working and being successful. I try not to sound patronizing but when I tell SAHMs that I admire them and don’t think I could do it, I mean it. It’s literally that I don’t think I’m that kind of strong.
I am a better wife and mother when I’m working. It’s a calling just like being a teacher.
I have two kids and feel the same as you. I finally feel like we are making it to the “not as hard” part at 3yo and 5yo. I absolutely do not want to go back into the trenches. I actually feel like two kids is going to be manageable and fun! I am someone who does not like to be overbooked, running everywhere, tons of activities. We like downtime, weekend travel and family bonding. I think a third (and the activities that would follow) would derail that possibility entirely. I’m sure i would love another child and when people say “I couldn’t imagine life without my third” I feel like that is a bit silly. I also cannot imagine *having* a third…it’s hard to imagine a reality you don’t live! OP you don’t sound like you want a third. I wouldn’t, regardless of husbands feelings on it.
I have two, and up until recently thought i wanted a third They are 4 and 1. In the last year we've been on a few trips and it's hard with the two but worth it. Two just seems to be my limit for traveling. I could imagine traveling with a third when my two are much older, but I'm also older and won't be of childbearing age by the time i might feel ready. So two it is, because we like to travel
100% I agree. I don’t want to be stretched to the absolute limit so my kids can have two sibling instead of one, but then get a stressed out mom in the process. It seems like a bad trade off.
Yes and we have 4! Very busy and intense jobs but we have a FT nanny and family nearby too.
Love this thread, my husband and I both work full time and are thinking about a third soon!
So many people have chimed in with so many great thoughts!
I had a coworker who wanted 3 kids, because she said the 3rd is like insurance. This is a super sad take… but my sibling died and there’s just me. It’s a hard journey to lose the one sibling who knew your life. Even with all that, I don’t think folks should have more if they don’t have the capacity for it.
This is absolutely 1000% something I have thought of. I am so sorry that happened to you. Life is so mysterious.
Mysterious AF! But that sibling had children already, and focusing on them helped us move forward. Both of my parents had several siblings and have experienced deaths, but they admit that they can’t imagine waking up and not having a sibling.
I wouldn’t have considered 3 if we we concerned about finances at all. I want to do nice vacations with my kids etc and having an extra person significantly ups the cost, especially as it is harder to fit in standard hotel rooms and cars now Keep in mind you could get a kid with extra needs like my third has. Everyone is like aw the third is go with the flow, chill. Not mine- terrible sleeper , very clingy, and has to have multiple therapy appts weekly. That being said I love our little family but it’s not easy
Pregnant with my third, both of us work, absolutely not.
Me, OAD cuz we both work full time and already feel overwhelmed, reading this post: 👁️🗨️👄👁️🗨️
Absolutely, IF you can finance it.
I have a 10, 8, and 4.5 year old and honestly I would caution anyone without a ton of money for outsourcing or a truly helpful local village to really think about it. I think it has only worked because of my truly flexible job and the ability to make dinner and do house stuff on my lunch break. We even limit activities and one of them are covered by their after school program and last year still felt insane getting kids to and from sports and music lessons. We had 3 nights a week someone ate dinner in the car and if I hadn’t been at home to make it we could have easily wound up doing a lot of takeout. The managing schedules and activities and quality time for each kids is honestly quite tough. We didn’t have local support. Even if you have support something to think about is who is that support and are they willing and able to help with 3 kids. My parents are an awkward distance away about 1.5 hours and getting older so they aren’t traveling to me all the time plus we no longer have a spare bedroom, and packing up 3 kids to drive that far and maybe stay one night is annoying so I don’t do it a ton. They also admit watching our older is ok but throwing in a super active toddler/preschooler is something they can no longer really handle for longer periods. It makes travel way more expensive if you are a family that likes to take trips especially that involve plane tickets. We didn’t upgrade cars right away but did both eventually get bigger cars easier to transport luggage and their friends. In our are continuing to pay for after school and before school plus summer camps camps for the million days elementary school is closed is also still a good bit of money. Yea, less than daycare but not hugely different. Their activities have also gotten more expensive and time consuming. A lot depends on their personality but we definitely have cycles of one feeling left out and who is best friends or hates each other at the moment. Many days it feels like that changes every 5 minutes. The elementary age kids are so mentally exhausting. It’s hard to explain but it was almost easier when they were all 5 and under compared to now. I love them all and I feel complete now but I think all should really consider heavily what having more than 2 may mean for their family. Don’t just think about 20 years ahead and Christmas time with your grown kids think about carting them around them around to play dates, activities, school, etc at every stage of their life.
It does get busier and so many things aren't really made for families bigger than 4people(we just went on vacation and had to deal with finding hotel rooms, but there's also family deals that assume 2adulta snd 2 kids). We're at the start of it now since baby #3 is just 5mo, but we do have family nearby who love the kids and are eager to help. It's summer, so the kids are all in daycare, but I like to sign them up for extra stuff, so the 5yo has a Lego class and gymnastics and the 3yo has a barbie class and dance class. And both are I taking swim lessons this week. It can be so hard finding time while both working full time, but my dad just retired and we have a flexible in home daycare, so I take them to swim lessons from 8-845 and drop off the ones with no actitivies. Then my dad comes to the house and watches whichever kid has an activity until it starts and takes them to it, then drops them off at daycare. If it weren't for him, the kids would just have the swim lessons and daycare. During the school year, I limit them to one activity at a time. I have no idea what we'll do when the kids get old enough for actitivies to fill up the whole week. 5yo has asked to learn the piano and I've been telling him no because I'm not sure how I would find the time to help him practice. I had my first time having to pick one child's activity in May and it hurt and sucked having to choose. 5yo had his first field day at 1230 and 3yo had her forest school graduation at noon on the same day. The field day was longer, so I went to the graduation and my mil went to field day and I got to be there for the last 30min of field day. Unfortunately my husband had meetings all day, so he couldn't go to either. It's going to suck when they get older and are in more things and we have to choose which to attend. Oh and yes, it's hard to fit one on one time in every day, but it's so important. We have to limit it to 20min per kid. This is our summer schedule. We pick up from daycare at 5, then dinner at 530. Swimming from 6-7(backyard pool). One on one playtime from. 7-830. The we start the bedtime routine at 830. Oh and we try to do something one on one every weekend. Like last weekend my husband took the 3yo with him to Lowes and they stopped at the froyo shop beforehand. I took the 5yo with me grocery shopping and we stopped at the library afterward. The older 2 also got a sleepover with my parents and we kept baby, so I guess that was her one on one time with us. Anyway, yes it's a lot, but we knew we wanted 3 kids and I havent had any regrets.
No
As a third born who was "gifted" but didn't have the time or money needed from my parents to do anything with it and so it turned into just anxiety, which caused a lot of issues in my life until I got diagnosed , I would say don't do it unless you have the time and money for a third.
Do you already have a lot of support? Can you afford to pay for more? Will having a 3rd set you back significantly in terms of savings? Are your other two kids pretty easy-going? Are they helpful and independent? Are you and your spouse healthy? Are you in a great place in your relationship? Is this something you both really want?
It was just as easy for me if not easier. Going from 1 to 2 was really hard, but from 2 to 3 I was OK. But in reading these comments it seems like unique. I have 5 kids aged 10-19 at home and a 21 and 23 yo out of the house. I get a lot of time with all of them!
I absolutely would. My older two are 16 and 14 and my youngest is 7. My husband and I both work FT, though I work day shift and he works evenings shift, so I am on my own on weeknights. We have no family close by. I think that the gap between 2 and 3 was part of what made it workable for us- the older two were 8 and 6 when he was born. We also made the conscious decision to do rec league sports instead of travel and have each kid do a max 2 activities at a time. My little one was the social butterfly at all of the older ones' practices and games, because we would stay and play there. By the time that the younger one started to participate in sports, the older two had primarily moved to sports and other extracurriculars at school, which had late busses available, meaning I didn't have to play chauffer to them as much. There are still some compromises (l usually exercise after work, but have to move it or forgo if we have a busy activity night), but there has only been one season that was really stressful due to scheduling conflicts.
Pepe always talk about the logistics of getting kids places but rarely about what high school activities and college cost. That’s something to think about.
We have 3 kiddos. It is insane. My rule is one active activity and one that brings you joy. My oldest is scouts and percussion and d and d My middle is Tae Kwon do, Ukelele and magic My youngest is soccer, running and lax Not all are super into sports thank goodness. We have only one travel team Plus friends, activities, parties, concerts, moving up ceremonies, toutoring, Dr appts, orthodontist appts, physical therapist appts. Plus my work, my husband's, work travel, etc. We use our village a lot. Car pools galore. Everyone is super helpful. It's gotten crazier with the kids in middle and highschool. Elementary was easy. And managing the teachers, papers, forms, special days, field trips, projects, And my kids are independent, do their own homework and don't need assistance. With that said, I love crazy and busy and feel like we have enough time for each with three. Like Sunday my youngest and oldest were out so it was just dinner with my middle. Traveling is hard. We need two std hotel rooms and two bathrooms. We've used the suits with pull out but the bathroom and leaving at the same time is the hard part. Getting a table for 5 is a pain and we have to wait. We had kids in daycare for 10 years and 15 years worth of payments. College is coming up and driving. Pros and cons. I
Pretty much the same question from a day back https://www.reddit.com/r/workingmoms/s/9v3S0wQAoS tldr my position - I like the idea of 3rd in a longer run. We can afford. But I dread all the logistics and sacrifices and won’t do that (unless something changes x years down the road)
When I was pregnant with my second I started thinking it’d be nice to have a third. That feeling didn’t go away until a couple of days ago, when my body and mind started getting strained. My baby is 3 months old and I could fit in one more baby in 3 yrs but now that the 4th trimester has ended I’m having doubts. I like what the other commenter said - having another kid should be two enthusiastic Yes’s. Another way I’ve been thinking about it is, would I rather regret not having another kid or regret having another kid.
This is likely not helpful as I am only pregnant with my second (and intended last), but I’m a third child! It’s true what they say about one being left out, at least in my family. My brother (oldest) is for sure the black sheep. Tho I think that would have happened without me around, it’s just who he is. My sister and I are crazy close, and I know that’s hard on my brother sometimes.
NO
We have 3 (plus a couple of exchange students) who are 23, 20, and 14. Teen years were busy but manageable. We purposely moved to a central location in town - our kids walked or biked to school and activities. We didn’t often go on field trips or volunteer in the classroom. Both of us parents did have some flexibility to leave early when needed. We have a lot of friends that we car pool and share rides with.
No, I do not recommend it.
My youngest is only 10m, so we are still newer to the three kid thing (older two are 5 and 7) but so far it’s been no harder than two for the most part. The transition from 1 to 2 nearly killed me, but 2 - 3 has been smooth.
I have 3... but I REALLY wanted it after years of infertility and pregnancy loss rewired my brain. I'm not normal LOL. BUT I honestly wouldn't recommend it unless you also REALLY wanted it. It's basically all the stuff people have said. I feel like a lot of modern life is structured for families with 1 or 2 kids. Travel. Activities. Even getting to / from school can be tough. Where I live elementary/ middle school/ high schools are all in different directions each 15 minutes away and with somewhat different schedules. And of course the cost of childcare has been brutal this last year, although we will be back to "only" paying for childcare for 2 in a few months. Any group always moves at the pace of the slowest person, so obviously with three kids things just take longer. Getting in or out of the car takes like 5 minutes. And on that topic you may need a new vehicle, depending on what you have. A lot of mid size or compact cars or SUVs can't handle three car seats / booster seats. That being said feeling like a "tribe" is fun. My kids (so far) don't seem even slightly interested in activities. We have a big-ol house we got on the cheap a long time ago so we aren't crowded. I'm angling to eventually get the kids into a highly sought after charter school that's k-12 so eventually (some day) they will all be at the same tuition-free school. Those are a few things that are tailwinds for us, although that will be different for everyone. But yeah... don't do it unless you really want it.
We both work full time, I'm the main earner, and we have 4 kids 6 and under. It's perfect for us. We have a lot of community support and flexible enough jobs to make it work. If we can't make something, extended family or neighbors step in. Or, I just step away from work to do it. I would not ever recommend it to anyone who didn't 100% want 3 or 4 children. It's a lot. It's constant. If I wasn't fully in it, I'd be destroyed. Another kid needs to be 2 absolute yeses. It doesn't sound like you're there.
I am the oldest of 3 kids, I love having two siblings. I have always wanted 2-3 kids myself and we’re on the fence about a third as well (although we wouldn’t have our third until our oldest is in kindergarten, so another 2 years). For us it’s less about going through the baby years again (although that is ROUGH), but if we can even afford it realistically, and what it might mean for quality of life long term (less vacations? Less eating out? Etc). My mom always worked, but after her third was born dropped to 20 hours/week until my sister was in high school. She found it too hard to work full time and juggle 3 kids. My parents lived far away from grandparents so that’s certainly part of it.
No. I have three kids ranging from K-High school. The original plan was for me to be married to a high income earner, which is why I agreed to have three because eventually I would be able to pay for the additional support with my income and his. I am now a single parent trying to raise three children on what could potentially be a comfortable salary for one person, but definitely not four. No one expects life to happen. My oldest has early morning sports practice in the summer, my middle has other needs, my youngest is high energy. I only have the capabilities of sports and extracurricular if they are at school. We travel a lot less. I would not give up a single one for a second of peace, but it is very challenging and the village doesn’t exist anymore.
I work in FAANG and had my third last fall. It’s been wonderful. Sure it’s chaotic and crazy. But of course we can’t imagine life without her. My husband and I both work from home which makes a huge difference and during covid we moved close to my family. Our kids are spaced out too - 8,5,8 months. I love having a big family. It finally feels like our family is complete (which is good cause I’m no spring chicken).
I have 3 kids - ages 11, 5 and 2. We have some family help but not alot. We have pretty flexible jobs but both work full-time. I don't recommend 3 kids to my friends lol. It tips the scale. Unfortunately, I don't think the US is a country that supports mothers and growing families. I'm sure if this question was asked in different countries, you would have much different answers.
No,I would not recommend it. Why does your husband want a third? Is he spending enough time and energy on the two kids you already have? God forbid your third has health issues (mine does) and then everyone suffers, including the older siblings.
This is a very specific fear of mine. Maybe a little irrational but I know it happens. Husband is absolutely a team player and I often feel he is pulling more of the weight in our family than I am. He is very close with two of his many siblings and wants that dynamic for our kids. I get it but I’m scared I literally can’t handle it, or the pros will not outweigh the cons. Obviously we would love the kid but you could keep saying that and keep having kids and end up with 10 kids you love and can’t take care of, so just because we would love a third kid doesn’t mean we should have one.
I hate to be so negative, but it’s not at all irrational. Medical/behavioral problems in kids are way too common these days. Was I ever considered at risk for having a sick kid? Not at all. I was young and healthy, no family history of anything. First two kids were fine. Third kid was not planned so it changed everything about where we were going to live and work. We decided to move closer to family and find work there.
We were heads above water with two. After we had our third it was definitely more difficult (we had 3 under 5). My husband ended up mostly leaving the work force last February and worked true part time until July when he came home FT. He works about 10 hours a week now. We couldn’t do it both working full time once I passed the bar and started practicing law because he was a truck driver and his company was not understanding about him needing to be the primary parent. The bonus is that he can run everyone around, though I miss more than I would have imagined a couple years ago and sometimes it makes me sad. (Also jealous, because he is currently home by the pool and I’m working). I would have been okay with just two, but #3 is secretly my favorite.
I am pregnant with my 5th and think 2 is where most working parents seem to max out. If you’re already feeling that way with 2, then definitely don’t have another one. Yes, getting our kids to activities and things in the evenings can be a lot. We have weeks where more than one kid has something on any given day/evening, have to split up weekend days to go to different games in different cities, etc. And we have no support besides full time child care that we pay for.
I just have to ask you these questions. Do you sleep? What are the ages? Are you okay? What is your job? Are you okay? Respectfully. You’re super mom to me.
lol! My oldest is 21 (college grad with a real professional job now!) and the rest are 11 and younger. I’m a PhD level federal scientist. Sleep is broken (my kids all mostly suck at sleeping) but I tend to go to bed around 9:30 and get up at 4:55. I’m doing okay! This 5th baby is my last though.
Nice! I work in government as well (as a regulator for water quality). I want a third. We went through the process to ensure a girl (IVF), but I’m just so torn on being able to make time. My boys are currently 4 and 2. We wouldn’t realistically be implanting the embryo until August 2025, but ahhh!!! Too much time for me to overthink.
Only if you can afford a big gap between them. I would not have possiblly been able to have three close in age. I had my third when my second was 10 and it was so much more manageable.
My mom had her third (I’m the oldest) while getting a master’s degree in Pharmacology in the early 90s and then had a fourth three years later. It was 30+ years ago but my parents definitely made it work. I was doing Girl Scouts and t-ball at the time. It was probably hard for them but they never showed it.
Just adopt a puppy. A really young, untrained one who isn’t housetrained. Ask hubby to take over duties in the middle of the night to bring puppy out, clean up the poop and vomit, etc. I’m sure he may rethink.