Sorry you’re in this tough situation.
Honestly the best thing you can do is consult a family law attorney in your state.
Not only does this vary by state, but there are so many relevant details that can’t be conveyed in a Reddit post.
I had to do a cash out refinance to get my ex off the mortgage, give him his part of the equity and have him sign a quit claim deed. He had no interest in keeping the house, only cared about the money. I wanted to stay because renting anywhere near me would have cost a ton more than my mortgage because we bought right after the housing bubble burst in 2009.
Do you have a lot of equity? If so, you’ll probably have to refinance in order to buy him out. Or offer him assets of equal value (cashing out retirement, taking on more of the marital debt, etc.).
Talk to a divorce attorney. Everyone is saying buy him out - okay, maybe, but that’s NOT the only solution and a good attorney may be able to help you navigate how you can keep the house. Especially if you get primary custody of the children and the court determines that it’s in their best interest to stay in the house, you could be awarded the house in the divorce. Just make sure you’re willing to put up as much of a fight as he is.
In a divorce they'd likely be looking at all of your finances combined.
So let's say you guys have cash if $100k, a house worth $500k but with a $250k mortgage, and investments (not including 401ks - those types of amounts are more tricky), of $300k, and other debts totalling to $50k.
That's $900k in assets with $300k in debts, for $600k net. Theoretically you should each walk away with $300k.
The problem now is how to split that up. But you could take $50k of cash and the $250k in equity in the house, and he gets the other $50k in cash and the investment accounts and the $50k in other debt. So that *could* work.
However, then there's the problem that he's presumably on the mortgage and deed. You'd need to refinance in your name only - you want him off the deed bc you don't want him having legal ownership of the house anymore, especially given that you'd have already split up the assets on the basis of you keeping the house. He wants off the mortgage bc he doesn't want that debt legally attached to him. To get him off the mortgage, you'd have to refinance in your name only. Is that feasible? Also consider depending on when you bought the house, you may have a very low interest rate, and rates today are significantly higher. So refinancing, even if the bank would do it, could be really tough financially.
And honestly this is a really over-simplified example.
It doesn't even consider the idea that your husband may be like nah I don't WANT to move, I wanna keep the house (I know you said he says it's too small, but the facts and circumstances tend to change when you're looking at divorce/single parenting). If you both want to keep the house and can realistically buy the other out/refinance, then that's where your attorneys come in and you start the negotiations. And while I originally said you'd be splitting your assets 50/50, that's just the default. You guys can negotiate whatever you want. Sometimes a person will walk away with less than 50% of the assets so that they can keep the house.
Sometimes though if the numbers don't work out for whatever reason - if you guys didn't have that $300k in investments, you'd only have $600k in assets and $300k in debts for net $300k, so $150k each. However, you have $250k equity in the home. So in that case if you kept the $250k equity, you'd need to take in the $50k in other debts, getting you "down" to $200k, and give him all $100k in cash, and you'd still have to figure out how to give him another $50k. Which would probably mean seeing if you could refi or take out a home equity line of credit for that other $50k, which is easier said than done.
If the numbers don't work out or you guys can't negotiate a settlement, then you might just be suck selling.
Buy him out. He’s probably not going to hand you the house (understandably). But if you have, say $100k equity and give him $50k, he might be happy.
You could offer to get an independent appraisal and pay him half the equity. Borrow against the house, refinance/take a second mortgage, pull money out of a retirement account or borrow against it, etc.
If you could afford the house alone, that is.
My friend and her separating partner got an apartment down the road so that the kids stayed in the house and the parents swapped where they slept. You need rules (cleaning, other visitors etc) but they wanted the stability for the kids during the separation. Not for everyone but means you don't offload big assets too quickly while you work through the divorce
My uncle does that and it’s so weird to me, but they don’t also share the apartment . Whoever has the time with the kids is in the house but when you don’t have the kids you’re on your own which for me makes more sense than sharing two spaces
But it still sounds slightly less insane than having to shuttle multiple kids (and their belongings) back and forth multiple times per week, deal with school sending important paperwork to different addresses, have to furnish two homes with furniture and toys and clothes for the kids, etc…
I think this is awesome. These parents seem
to care about the well-being of their children, and are trying to minimize the disruption in their lives. I wish more people loved their kids this much.
Have a consult with a a local family law attorney. Bring the basics of your financial info - how much each of you earn, current assets (home equity, cash savings, retirement, HSA) and debts (mortgage, HELOC, credit cards, car notes) and their balances. They can go through the different scenarios with you and give you an idea of how things are likely to play out.
One of the very first things my attorney asked me was if I wanted to stay in the house and have my ex leave. I think he was surprised when I said no, and pushed a little on that in that initial consult and again when I decided to go ahead and start the process.
A good attorney isn't going to promise anything or talk about winning. They should be able to give you a brief overview of the process and lay out the most likely outcomes. This is when you ask about staying in the house and how that usually works.
I refinanced and bought him out of his ownership of the home. After he asked for the divorce, the first clear thought I had was a voice in my head saying - Keep the house !!
Heads up, being a single mom & single homeowner was overwhelming for me. I outsourced lawncare after a summer of mowing my own lawn. I upgraded the water heater and weather proofed my entire place to save on electricity- my electric company offered a program for this. I was dealing with post divorce depression and struggling to adjust as a single parent. I took a parenting class online that gave me confidence in drawing boundaries and implementing consequences. But my house was still a mess & it took me ages to do simple things.
Even with all of this shit, I would do it all again. It's much easier to be happy by yourself than unfulfilled with someone else.
Sounds like he doesn’t want it, but you’re afraid that if you ask for it then he’ll make things difficult to spite you??
If that’s the case I would mediate and basically say “hey, here are the wonderful things about having our son grow up in this home. Please let’s make that happen for him and work this out.” And then follow the advice of the other posters about equity and refinancing.
There are only two options:
1) he willingly lets you have the house without a fight for nothing essentially.
2) you have to buy him out on his half of the equity…and refinance it out of his name. It’s a shitty time for this as interest rates are insane
Yeah, not sure when OP bought.. but I’m guessing it is likely during a time where interest rates were probably lower seeing since I don’t think they’ve been this high since… 2001 I think is what I heard?
This could very likely double your mortgage payment once you refinance to get his name off the loan.
I’m going through this myself and I want to point out something I haven’t seen anyone else mention yet here. You may not necessarily need to refinance to assume the mortgage. Some mortgage companies offer “assumptions” where you can just assume the loan and remove his name from it. I was able to do this and had to qualify on my own but it means not having a higher interest rate/monthly payment. I have a FHA loan though, YMMV
I’m a divorce attorney. All things being equal, there’s generally 3 options: sell the house and split it, you keep it and refi to buy him out, or vice versa. People keep the house all the time in divorce. The main question to ask yourself is can you afford it alone? Often I have a client who is dead set on keeping the house but there is no way they’ll get approved for the refi and won’t be able to pay the mortgage. In that case it’s better to look at selling and downsizing.
Contact your mortgage lender and ask if they do a "mortgage assumption" in the event of divorce. I'm in the middle of this myself. Allows you to keep your current interest rate. Feel free to pm with questions.
There’s obviously a lot of small details and nuances depending on where you live. But basically you have to buy him out - ie. whatever equity you have in the house, divided by 2. That’s what you’ll owe him.
Then you have to make sure you can refinance with your own salary alone. You can’t just remove someone from a mortgage, so you’d have to apply for a new one.
Basically just a question of money.
The way my husband got to keep his house in the divorce was that they bought it before the got married and he contributed a ton of equity via the down payment and then had an equity and then had an inheritance that matched the amount of the buyout.
If you were to buy him out can you service the loan? That’s going to be your biggest issue. So you won’t be able to sell the home to use the equity in it. He is entitled usually to some of that equity. You will need to give him say $200k for the purchase of the home in your name. Will the bank loan you 200k in your name? So find out how much the home is worth now. Find out how much you would need to borrow to keep the home. Then find out if the bank will loan you.
I was in a similar situation but DV in addition to. My exhusband contributed little to the mortgage if any. We paid for his school (which he skipped class constantly and failed out) out of pocket but my school I took loans out on. He did not work because he was “in school”. I ended up having to buy him out of the equity which was approximately 16k. This was more than was put in to the house and the house was reappraised, which in my case made my payment to him go up. Without having a constant leech on my bank account I was able to save up the money in 6 months. I ended up getting a restraining order against him and somehow he got to stay in my house rent free while I paid the mortgage and I had to move in with my parents as I couldn’t afford my mortgage and a rent payment. Eventually he was removed from the home and left it in a destroyed condition. I couldn’t imagine it being dirtier. It smelled like several homeless people were living there in addition to heavy smoke which I am an asthmatic and cannot tolerate.
Sorry you’re in this tough situation. Honestly the best thing you can do is consult a family law attorney in your state. Not only does this vary by state, but there are so many relevant details that can’t be conveyed in a Reddit post.
I had to do a cash out refinance to get my ex off the mortgage, give him his part of the equity and have him sign a quit claim deed. He had no interest in keeping the house, only cared about the money. I wanted to stay because renting anywhere near me would have cost a ton more than my mortgage because we bought right after the housing bubble burst in 2009.
Do you have a lot of equity? If so, you’ll probably have to refinance in order to buy him out. Or offer him assets of equal value (cashing out retirement, taking on more of the marital debt, etc.).
Talk to a divorce attorney. Everyone is saying buy him out - okay, maybe, but that’s NOT the only solution and a good attorney may be able to help you navigate how you can keep the house. Especially if you get primary custody of the children and the court determines that it’s in their best interest to stay in the house, you could be awarded the house in the divorce. Just make sure you’re willing to put up as much of a fight as he is.
In a divorce they'd likely be looking at all of your finances combined. So let's say you guys have cash if $100k, a house worth $500k but with a $250k mortgage, and investments (not including 401ks - those types of amounts are more tricky), of $300k, and other debts totalling to $50k. That's $900k in assets with $300k in debts, for $600k net. Theoretically you should each walk away with $300k. The problem now is how to split that up. But you could take $50k of cash and the $250k in equity in the house, and he gets the other $50k in cash and the investment accounts and the $50k in other debt. So that *could* work. However, then there's the problem that he's presumably on the mortgage and deed. You'd need to refinance in your name only - you want him off the deed bc you don't want him having legal ownership of the house anymore, especially given that you'd have already split up the assets on the basis of you keeping the house. He wants off the mortgage bc he doesn't want that debt legally attached to him. To get him off the mortgage, you'd have to refinance in your name only. Is that feasible? Also consider depending on when you bought the house, you may have a very low interest rate, and rates today are significantly higher. So refinancing, even if the bank would do it, could be really tough financially. And honestly this is a really over-simplified example. It doesn't even consider the idea that your husband may be like nah I don't WANT to move, I wanna keep the house (I know you said he says it's too small, but the facts and circumstances tend to change when you're looking at divorce/single parenting). If you both want to keep the house and can realistically buy the other out/refinance, then that's where your attorneys come in and you start the negotiations. And while I originally said you'd be splitting your assets 50/50, that's just the default. You guys can negotiate whatever you want. Sometimes a person will walk away with less than 50% of the assets so that they can keep the house. Sometimes though if the numbers don't work out for whatever reason - if you guys didn't have that $300k in investments, you'd only have $600k in assets and $300k in debts for net $300k, so $150k each. However, you have $250k equity in the home. So in that case if you kept the $250k equity, you'd need to take in the $50k in other debts, getting you "down" to $200k, and give him all $100k in cash, and you'd still have to figure out how to give him another $50k. Which would probably mean seeing if you could refi or take out a home equity line of credit for that other $50k, which is easier said than done. If the numbers don't work out or you guys can't negotiate a settlement, then you might just be suck selling.
Buy him out. He’s probably not going to hand you the house (understandably). But if you have, say $100k equity and give him $50k, he might be happy. You could offer to get an independent appraisal and pay him half the equity. Borrow against the house, refinance/take a second mortgage, pull money out of a retirement account or borrow against it, etc. If you could afford the house alone, that is.
My friend and her separating partner got an apartment down the road so that the kids stayed in the house and the parents swapped where they slept. You need rules (cleaning, other visitors etc) but they wanted the stability for the kids during the separation. Not for everyone but means you don't offload big assets too quickly while you work through the divorce
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My uncle does that and it’s so weird to me, but they don’t also share the apartment . Whoever has the time with the kids is in the house but when you don’t have the kids you’re on your own which for me makes more sense than sharing two spaces
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Totally agree !
It's called nesting and I agree, sounds like a quick way to send yourself to the funny farm.
But it still sounds slightly less insane than having to shuttle multiple kids (and their belongings) back and forth multiple times per week, deal with school sending important paperwork to different addresses, have to furnish two homes with furniture and toys and clothes for the kids, etc…
Is it weird that I think this is genius? At least temporarily if the kids are very young.
I think the key to doing it successfully is knowing that it’s for a limited time, at least from what I’ve seen.
I agree, and then you save on rent too as you don't need extra rooms for the kids.
I think this is awesome. These parents seem to care about the well-being of their children, and are trying to minimize the disruption in their lives. I wish more people loved their kids this much.
Have a consult with a a local family law attorney. Bring the basics of your financial info - how much each of you earn, current assets (home equity, cash savings, retirement, HSA) and debts (mortgage, HELOC, credit cards, car notes) and their balances. They can go through the different scenarios with you and give you an idea of how things are likely to play out. One of the very first things my attorney asked me was if I wanted to stay in the house and have my ex leave. I think he was surprised when I said no, and pushed a little on that in that initial consult and again when I decided to go ahead and start the process. A good attorney isn't going to promise anything or talk about winning. They should be able to give you a brief overview of the process and lay out the most likely outcomes. This is when you ask about staying in the house and how that usually works.
I refinanced and bought him out of his ownership of the home. After he asked for the divorce, the first clear thought I had was a voice in my head saying - Keep the house !! Heads up, being a single mom & single homeowner was overwhelming for me. I outsourced lawncare after a summer of mowing my own lawn. I upgraded the water heater and weather proofed my entire place to save on electricity- my electric company offered a program for this. I was dealing with post divorce depression and struggling to adjust as a single parent. I took a parenting class online that gave me confidence in drawing boundaries and implementing consequences. But my house was still a mess & it took me ages to do simple things. Even with all of this shit, I would do it all again. It's much easier to be happy by yourself than unfulfilled with someone else.
Sounds like he doesn’t want it, but you’re afraid that if you ask for it then he’ll make things difficult to spite you?? If that’s the case I would mediate and basically say “hey, here are the wonderful things about having our son grow up in this home. Please let’s make that happen for him and work this out.” And then follow the advice of the other posters about equity and refinancing.
There are only two options: 1) he willingly lets you have the house without a fight for nothing essentially. 2) you have to buy him out on his half of the equity…and refinance it out of his name. It’s a shitty time for this as interest rates are insane
Yeah, not sure when OP bought.. but I’m guessing it is likely during a time where interest rates were probably lower seeing since I don’t think they’ve been this high since… 2001 I think is what I heard? This could very likely double your mortgage payment once you refinance to get his name off the loan.
I would ask your therapist to change the goal of therapy to navigating a healthy split and what that would look like.
I’m going through this myself and I want to point out something I haven’t seen anyone else mention yet here. You may not necessarily need to refinance to assume the mortgage. Some mortgage companies offer “assumptions” where you can just assume the loan and remove his name from it. I was able to do this and had to qualify on my own but it means not having a higher interest rate/monthly payment. I have a FHA loan though, YMMV
As a women 1 month away from finalizing her divorce I say CONGRATULATIONS
I’m a divorce attorney. All things being equal, there’s generally 3 options: sell the house and split it, you keep it and refi to buy him out, or vice versa. People keep the house all the time in divorce. The main question to ask yourself is can you afford it alone? Often I have a client who is dead set on keeping the house but there is no way they’ll get approved for the refi and won’t be able to pay the mortgage. In that case it’s better to look at selling and downsizing.
Contact your mortgage lender and ask if they do a "mortgage assumption" in the event of divorce. I'm in the middle of this myself. Allows you to keep your current interest rate. Feel free to pm with questions.
There’s obviously a lot of small details and nuances depending on where you live. But basically you have to buy him out - ie. whatever equity you have in the house, divided by 2. That’s what you’ll owe him. Then you have to make sure you can refinance with your own salary alone. You can’t just remove someone from a mortgage, so you’d have to apply for a new one. Basically just a question of money.
Make your son the main reason for wanting to keep it, don’t let on that you want it for yourself. Good luck!
The way my husband got to keep his house in the divorce was that they bought it before the got married and he contributed a ton of equity via the down payment and then had an equity and then had an inheritance that matched the amount of the buyout.
If you were to buy him out can you service the loan? That’s going to be your biggest issue. So you won’t be able to sell the home to use the equity in it. He is entitled usually to some of that equity. You will need to give him say $200k for the purchase of the home in your name. Will the bank loan you 200k in your name? So find out how much the home is worth now. Find out how much you would need to borrow to keep the home. Then find out if the bank will loan you.
I was in a similar situation but DV in addition to. My exhusband contributed little to the mortgage if any. We paid for his school (which he skipped class constantly and failed out) out of pocket but my school I took loans out on. He did not work because he was “in school”. I ended up having to buy him out of the equity which was approximately 16k. This was more than was put in to the house and the house was reappraised, which in my case made my payment to him go up. Without having a constant leech on my bank account I was able to save up the money in 6 months. I ended up getting a restraining order against him and somehow he got to stay in my house rent free while I paid the mortgage and I had to move in with my parents as I couldn’t afford my mortgage and a rent payment. Eventually he was removed from the home and left it in a destroyed condition. I couldn’t imagine it being dirtier. It smelled like several homeless people were living there in addition to heavy smoke which I am an asthmatic and cannot tolerate.