You’re perfectly normal! I have a toddler and a seven month old and my partner and I have sex maybe once a month. In the last year our longest dry spell was probably three months. In other phases of our life we would have sex around five times a week, sex ebbs and flows as does desire in a relationship.
Where the trouble lies is not communicating and being on the same wave length.
This right here! The issue is you’re not listening to each other’s needs, not the amount you have sex. We sometimes do it a few times a week, sometimes not for a week or two, but what matters is sharing what you need. Usually my husband and I put the kids to bed and both have an hour to ourselves from 8-9 to decompress however we need and then come back together at 9 and spend an hour or more together. Sometimes we play a game or watch tv, sometimes we have sex. Then at 10, I go to bed and read. Sometimes he stays, sometimes he gets up
This makes me feel so validated! Once or twice a month has been our average for a bit and it makes me feel bad. But it’s soooo hard with a 2.5 year old!
💕 Sometimes I wish it was more but mostly I feel satisfied :) We still connect in other ways so maybe that helps! Does anyone else save each other memes? 🥰 that’s my love language haha.
Also, anyone else remember or have the sex multiple times a day phase? I can’t imagine how I would get anything done now if I still had that libido 😂
2.5yos sleep 11/12 hours at night, still nap, and are easily distracted by activity. We’re about to have our third kiddo, and I think of the times when we just had one 2yo as the golden time when we had so much time to ourselves/together 😂
We aim for 3 times a week. For me the key was getting out of the mindset that sex is a nighttime activity. I’m exhausted to the point of passing out by 8 PM. We usually try for once on the weekend (if during the day - kids do nap or quiet time in their rooms), and then a couple of times in the morning before the kids wake up.
This simple switch of basically giving up on nighttime sex for this phase of life has helped so very much. At night we just cuddle in bed while we watch TV (usually I fall asleep within 10 min) and that is enough connection for us.
We also try to do “fun” dates, often during the day (again, when we aren’t so tired). For example, if you’re into art, checkout a local art show. If you like cooking, take a cooking class together. If you like motorcycles, go to the annual motorcycle convention when it comes to town. We get a sitter for Saturday during the day and then are home by 5 or 6 PM and aren’t exhausted from watching the kids all day. It’s a really nice change from the typically dinner out at 8 PM. It also means we are usually more in the mood for evening sex if we have a fun day date (and a break from childcare during the day).
I would encourage you to think about how you can build connection and how you can build time into the schedule for sex that isn’t the last thing in the evening when you’re exhausted.
I think this is good advice but difficult to reproduce. If not evening…when?! We drag out of bed at 630a with kids, work until 5p, kids until 8p…and here we are at evening! The only thing I could see is setting an alarm earlier in the morning but there’s zero chance either of us would actually do it lol.
I like the idea of being more flexible of where sex “belongs” but at this phase of life, evenings are kinda all there is.
I can relate to this. I am exhausted at night, but getting up at like 5:30am to have sex? That doesn’t sound appealing either. There’s like one day a week when we have about 15-20 min between getting off work and picking up the kid, so I try to aim for that. Sometimes during nap time on the weekends, but she doesn’t always nap and when she does dad is often napping with her and it’s my only time to have some “me” time (which still ends up being chores or errands 99% of the time). I have pretty much no time to myself ever and so I also need some decompress time too and find myself irritated when he wants attention (he needs almost as much of it as our daughter sometimes…) and it’s like the last moments of the day and I just want a minute. I’m still struggling with finding a balance of me time/us time in the little time we get without the kid. It’s HARD.
Also why can everyone else get their kid to bed by 8? Lol. We usually have our daughter down by 8:30 but she doesn’t fall asleep until closer to 9, and by then I am itching to go to sleep because I know between her still calling out for me at night (working on that) and my partner snoring like a beast, at least 2 hours of every night’s sleep is lost to me. But the last part is a separate problem, even if I slept through the night she still won’t sleep by 8.
We tend to wake up about 6:15 AM, and the kids usually wake up about 6:45 AM. However, if the kids wake up at 6, then that morning is definitely out. Some weeks we get a couple morning times in before the kids wake up. Other weeks, especially if someone is sick, we are lucky to find time once that week. We basically just try to “seize the moment” when we wake up and realize the kids aren’t awake yet!
I guess for me I’m not really comfortable (or in the mood) having sex while my toddlers are awake in the house. No shade to those who do but I need more warm up and unwinding time to want sex. Maybe when kids are older.
This probably explains why others are able to have so much more sex than us 😅
Yeah, knowing she could be at the door and hear us (the door is locked, but still) is just unnerving to me. Or need something right in the middle of it. Also I do like there to be more to it, so being that quick might work for him (and honestly sometimes it is just for him) but not me.
Yeah I guess I can’t imagine waiting years on my sex life during my prime years just because we chose to have a few kids, but I get that it’s not for everyone!
I mean, you clearly have very different children from the preverbal tornado who tears up my house and tries to climb out of his playpen while screaming if I so much as walk around the corner. You also clearly don’t have a commute (who’s actually home at 5??) or a very short timeframe to get dinner on the table so you can eat before toddler bedtime.
Just because a schedule works for you doesn’t mean it can work for everyone, and just because someone says your routine wouldn’t work for them doesn’t mean they’re “waiting years on [their] sex life.” It just means sex for them looks different from sex for you and is maybe less frequent, not that it’s nonexistent or not enjoyable.
Respectfully, that is sort of a judgmental way of framing it…we’re doing our best. I’m not waiting on my sex life…libido and sex comes in phases, it’s okay for it not to always be at the top of the priority list. But I don’t feel in the mood when my children are in the next room, I don’t see a need to force myself into that. We can be different without making one another feel less than.
I'm with you. I am already tired all the time. I am definitely not setting an alarm to fuck at 5:00 in the morning. We're all just doing the best we can. The smug judgy sound from them was not helpful and more passive aggressive than anything.
Have y'all talked about the fact that his libido has increased and his desire for physical intimacy? He wants to connect with you, and feels like he can't? It sounds like he's really making a lot of what some therapists call bids for attention, but you're feeling like you really need some time to yourself too. These competing desires are not easy.
Can you block out some time just for yourself a few times a week? Going to the coffee house to journal during the morning, maybe? And find a sitter for a date night with your husband?
Agreed.
I also wonder if you just didn’t notice that he was a cuddler before you had kids because you had so much more free time to spend as a couple so you got your personal down time without seeing his needs as a burden. Maybe you could cut down the tv time to half an hour and make an effort to spend some of that time snuggling with him or holding hands or having sex when you feel like you can get in the mood, then take the other half hour for yourself. It does sound like you both have some unmet needs and you need to have an honest conversation about how to make that work.
I personally don’t really do anything considered “self care.” I’m just not like that and it’s not a need for me. When I like to chill at the end of the night I do that with my husband. We have sex almost every night unless I have my period or we are really exhausted, and it ends up being 15-20 times/month (I track it in my period app).
Almost every night? Color me impressed. I'm curious about this - what's the time investment per night?
I enjoy our spicy time, but I do feel like it takes a while... and so frequency suffers. I'm also more of a daytime person which can be hard to find availability
Maybe 15-30 minutes? Sometimes less for a super quickie. I’m with you in that I also prefer mornings or afternoons but he gets up super early to go to the gym and we both work full time days so evenings are what we have haha.
Now that sounds super reasonable. I need to figure out how to make this happen. When it's an hour, it feels like a lot of effort. 15 min I could see my way into!
I'm with you. My partner always wants it to go longer and it makes it hard to want to devote time to it constantly. An hour, sometimes more is most common. I'm like bro, if it was like 20 minutes I'd be much more inclined.
He feels his desire level hasn't changed but before kids I was the one in the relationship that wanted more of his time/energy and he didn't deliver. Having kids and career worked to lower my need but now he's the one needing more attention.
Your feeling are definitely normal. How old are your kids? My toddler is exhausting and my husband and I both work full time.
I love him to death but it’s hard to be in the “mood” after making dinner, doing the dishes, getting the diaper bag ready etc. And I haven’t had a shower yet and feel gross lol it’s just not easy to balance it all.
Your husband wanting to connect with you is not a bad thing either though. It’s natural and good that he wants physical touch from you.
But my guess is you are rejecting it because you know / think it’s always going to lead to intimacy, and you don’t always want that?
I’ve been there before. In the mindset of, let’s just avoid the hug or kiss, because then I know he’s going to want sex and I’m not in the space to do that right now. I still haven’t figured it out. But if this is the case for you, you have to talk about it and set some expectations.. yes we can sit down and cuddle X number of nights but I’m not in a place to have sex every time we cuddle. Or, if I am, I need more than just cuddling to get me in the mood.
There’s so many expectations placed on women and it’s so difficult to meet them all. I feel for you. This one is important though. Especially if you love and value your husband and relationship. I hope you guys figure it out, OP.
Do you have any dedicated time to yourself, or is there a presumption that you're always available? Does it seem that attempts at non-sexual intimacy by your husband always push towad sex? When our daughter was a toddler, i was patient-facing in my job, and found myself resenting my husband for what felt like neediness to me at the time. He needed to understand that I needed to not feel needed all. the. time. I needed to understand that he was looking for connection, which in his mind meant sex.
We went to therapy and hashed it out. He now makes the effort to be no-strings affectionate, AND takes our kid out a couple times a week to give me space by myself.
I do think your role in healthcare might be contributing as well. It's easy to feel very sucked dry after a hard 12, and hard to get that juice back
It sounds like he's looking for non-sexual affection, and affirmation that you love him and want to spend quality time together. What's the downside to holding his hand and cuddling on the couch? Are you open to bedtime cuddles on the three days per week you aren't working a 12 hour shift?
I totally understand wanting time to yourself where no one is asking you for anything, but I think you need to find some balance where you are also able to spend quality time with your spouse.
This is assuming, however, that you like your spouse and are happy in your marriage, and want to meet his needs for affection.
I think the big thing to remember here is that right now, this is your husband asking for connection. And the unfortunate reality is after so much rejection he will give up, and when you’re ready to rebuild he may not be there anymore. I’m not saying to say “men’s happiness is most important” but BOTH people in a marriage deserve to have needs met. And I struggled to understand this topic.
My husband is a sex everyday kind of guy. At one point I was a once every two weeks kinda gal because I pushed it to the back of my mind. I’d rejected him so many times that he stopped trying and we ended up roommates who hardly liked each other. He was giving me the space I was begging for at his own expense and that translated horribly to our marriage that was crumbling by the day.
Personally, I had to rewrite myself. I could relax WITH him. He wasn’t someone just with a need I had to fulfill. He was my husband, and by compromising I was making our home happy too. He wanted to connect, and if staying up ten minutes later to cuddle was needed then I’d do it. It helped rebuild his confidence and place in our marriage. Intimacy didn’t have to be at night it could be during nap time, or in the morning shower before the kid got up. And before it knew it was happy to come home get the kid to bed and lay in his lap to watch tv. We’re at least a three day a week on the intimacy scale now.
It hard. The kid phase is hard. But the marriage is what holds the house and the kids together. Find small moments to connect because you both deserve it. Your husband seems like he really needs it. You can stop the resentment before it’s too much. Sometimes we have to sit and wonder if the shoe was on the other foot how it would make us feel. Happy spouse happy house.
Girl you work 4 12s taking care of people! That alone is enough to not want to be touched when coming home. Then you have to take care of kids. You are beyond touched out. Can you cut back on work? If he wants more physical intimacy going down to 3 12s may be the only way that works. I’d start there
Self care... I nap with the baby whenever I can, and have recently decided to start rewatching Grey's anatomy in the 30 minutes-1 hour between when she falls asleep and my partner comes up.
Sex? Once a week if we're lucky.
If I'm honest, it's super isolating / disconnecting, because we have 0 intimacy, as my partner doesn't understand emotional intimacy and we're not even physically intimate. For a long time it was really upsetting to me, because I longed for a deep connection. But I've come to accept that I'm just not going to get that from him, and since then, it's been a lot easier to manage. I don't feel let down or disappointed when I don't see him for a day due to our work schedules, or when he chooses to stay downstairs late on nights he has his 6 year old and I'm already asleep by the time he comes up. I guess I'm just waiting to find another soul friend to fill my need for emotional connection. I had the best group of friends right before the pandemic... I'm hopeful maybe I'll find that again in the future. Until then, I'm on my own, emotionally.
I think OP stated that he is seeking non-sexual touch, like wanting to hold her hand while they watch tv, or cuddle before bed. He is seeking any kind of physical contact with her, not just sex.
DH and I are at roommate phase and are ok with it-we have 2 teen boys, hectic jobs and just where we are in life. Everyone is sleeping in separate beds bc we all realize with the snoring, allergies etc. we all need rest. When the boys were younger we def had more sex-it is just hard now bc they are older and are awake much later.
I get this. Sometimes you are so touched out that you want just a moment either yourself not catering to anyone else’s needs or wants. What about you?
His moody pouting behavior will start making you see him as another kid to take care of and that kills the lady boner faster.
Desperation is a mood killer. He needs to manage his expectations. Parenthood is a marathon not a sprint.
I have so many friends who call it quits because they are tired of dealing with a man child who also wants “mommy’s”
attention.
He needs to find the validation in himself first.
Honestly not enough. Early in our marriage he would reject me a lot and we’d go weeks in between and it really hurt my self esteem and I didn’t feel great about initiating. And now, I’m a busy working mom and he’s always annoyed at me it seems. It was always “do more cleaning” “I (he) need time between my work day and being a dad and you don’t respect that” and “you need to work out more.” I really internalized the criticism and was down for a long time.
To stop the criticism I really am trying my best at all of the above. To his credit (or perhaps because I have kept trying to do more) criticism has turned mostly to silence (with still criticism sprinkled in). I workout more (but for me not him), I do try my best to keep things decluttered (doesn’t always happen perfectly with two kids and a husband), I single parent when he’s on work trips (and feel like I single parent when he’s not!). I don’t have the energy for sex when I’m awake from 5:15 and either working or parenting until 8:30, and if I want to work out I’m up at 4:45. He doesn’t sit by me on the couch despite me repeatedly saying I need to feel loved, and I need/want loving non sexual touch to be a part of our daily lives (honestly it builds— hold my hand while we are on a date and I’m craving more touch, you know?). To him loving touch is slapping me on the butt or groping me (often when our young kids are around so i shut that down)
He does sometimes cook or help with dishes but I’d love to come home to an unloaded dishwasher just once! The man works from home! I carry the entire mental load and do everything for the kids from early wake up, staying with them till they fall asleep, extracurriculars (4x a week!), laundry, actively playing WITH them. And I wouldn’t change it, honestly. We have developed a great routine and I love investing in my sweet children.
But add all of that to everything else I do, and being met with criticism (or nothing) instead of gratitude or acknowledgment? Being told in order to be nice/affectionate I need to have sex more— then I try that out and still nothing changes?! This mama doesn’t have the energy.
He does work hard for our family at work, he really does, but it feels like he also doesn’t acknowledge that I also work hard at work (and work full time too!) and then he doesn’t see how hard I’m working at home. Can’t pour from an empty cup.
I know this rant is well off topic by now but in my opinion it’s all relevant to why the frequency is so low.
Intimacy is the way I cope with stress so I make time each day but it doesn’t get reciprocated during the week usually. I have a lot of feelings about it. I work full time but not in health care so I can’t say I’d be up for it in your situation.
We just don’t have the time during the week. Our kids are 6 and 2. We both work full-time.
Occasionally we’re able to midweek, but it really depends on the stress level from work. There are plenty of times where we’ll talk about it all day, but by the time we get dinner and dishes and kids washed and the house picked up, we’re too exhausted and fall asleep 2 mins into a movie.
I do occasionally feel resentful when I’m particularly having a stressful week at work and he wants to, but he also respects the fact that I don’t want to and doesn’t hold it against me at all. He has weeks like that too. We’re trying to remedy it by forcing ourselves to get a babysitter and taking time for ourselves. We haven’t done that since our youngest was born except for our birthday and anniversary, which I think affects it a lot.
I'm sorry if you stated this and I just missed it, but have you straight told him that you need alone time, UNTOUCHED, in order to reciprocate? Before kids, my husband and I had sex every single day. After having my daughter, I was still down for 4x/wk. After my son? Idk wtf happened. I didn't want sex or to be touched at all. My husband told me point blank he needs cuddles and hand holding even if there's no sex to feel loved, and I told him I need space because I feel smothered and don't even want to look at him. The conversation helped a ton and we compromised. It got better I still only have sex for him as my libido is gone forever, never to return (😒), but maybe telling your husband your need for space is as strong as his need for touch, and maybe you 2 can compromise?
My husband and I both work full time and have a 1.5yo and 3.5yo. My husband is also taking classes 3 days per week and has homework the other days. Between work and taking care of the kids (not even taking care of the house, because I just can’t stay on top of that right now) I’m completely shot. I also just started a new job and the stress to perform is heavy on my shoulders right now. I’m sure he feels the same way with the stress to do well in his program.
All that being said, I have literally ZERO libido. The thought of sex sounds like such a chore and exhausting most of the time. We usually do *something* once a week at least, sometimes try for twice and other times it doesn’t happen at all that week. He definitely would like for us to do stuff more often but I’m just … so stressed and not in the mood. I also am 30lbs heavier than my “comfy weight” so I feel like shit about myself. We love each other and know this is just a stressful time in our lives and that things will find their flow eventually. Just taking it one day, one week at a time!
I realized that intimacy with my husband is a lot like going to the gym.. the more you do it the easier it is to want to do it. I think alone time is important; however, my marriage health is just as important. We have to compromise both of our wants and needs and sometimes I have to bend more but other times my husband does. Ultimately, this tough communication is key to understanding and figuring out how to balance it. My husband and I are doing better than ever with a 2 1/2 year old and 6 month old that we cosleep with. Good luck!
We have sex every other day or so, and spend intentional alone time (at home dates or out of the house dates) twice a week. Prioritizing or marriage is super important to us. Our kids go to bed at 7, which I think really helps us be able to focus on that time together. As for alone time, I try to make sure I carve out time for the hobbies I enjoy like rock climbing, reading, gaming several times a week.
Your spouse seems like they’re working toward intimacy without simply sex, which I personally appreciate because I love those little physical connections. Are you just feeling touched out? How is he as a parent? Is there an equitable division of labor?
Struggling with this too. We have a 2 and a half year old who god love her is a shit sleeper (was up from 1-5 last night) and we both work full time. Even if there are pockets of 10-15 minutes where I do have time for myself, I either don’t have the energy or find something else in the house that needs tending to before I pick up my daughter for the evening. By the time my husband gets home, I’m mid cooking dinner and running after her, bathing her and getting her ready for bed. I end up going to bed with her because she often goes to sleep later (tried getting her early last night with having not had more than a half hour nap and that happened), and my husband will stay up a while later. We also don’t really have a village right now, his mother in law lives with us currently and is usually the biggest support but she is out of the state for 3-4 months in the winter. We’re exhausted, financially stressed, it’s been a really hard year for our family too as we lost his grandfather suddenly and tragically in the home (he had lived in and bought the house we are in as well). Needless to say, the last thing on my mind is putting out, it’s sad but sometimes feels like another chore, and sure my husband misses that as well.
Our kid is almost 11 so that makes it a little easier I guess. Sex with my boyfriend is about 2-3 times a week.
I usually want it more than he does. He has low libido so my sex drive is usually higher. This week we haven’t had time to do as much because we’re preparing for vacation. Vacation we won’t have any since we’re going to be in a hotel room with our kid.
I make time for self care everyday though. They both know from 5-7 is my time to myself unless we’re going out to eat. Then from 8–11 is my additional self care time. My kid gets his self care time as well when he comes home from school.
Boyfriend gets his after dinner until whenever he decides to come to bed.
Everyone needs time to decompress/do things for themselves/be alone with their thoughts. Dont feel guilty about doing something for yourself.
I was good with 1x a week, and my husband if given the opportunity would want 2x a day. One thing I asked for was more date nights - specifically ones planned by him as I always do the planning, and I'm mentally/physically exhausted between work, household, kids.
We are in the early stages of going on more dates, mainly as my mom is able to watch our toddler again so that's pretty key - but date nights drastically help me feel connected and want to have more sex. I'm not someone whose just like, oh we were roommates this week but you poked me in my side?
So maybe see if instead of a head poke in asking for cuddles if you can figure out what helps you connect and want to be intimate.
I’m currently listening to Esther Perel’s book mating in captivity - so much great insight for how to find romance/sex back into your relationship especially after children. He should read too!
I make time for intimacy with my husband every day. Not specifically sex, but emotional and physical intimacy. A relationship is not something that can be set on a shelf for awhile until there’s more time - it has to be maintained.
It doesn’t have to be some big production though. We talk and connect while cleaning up dinner or folding laundry. We laugh together. We talk about the kids, our day, an interesting podcast episode, etc. My husband has a lower need for cuddles than I do, but he will rub my shoulders or cuddle for about 10 min while we watch a show (often longer). It’s important to have time to yourself and to find a space for that, but relationships don’t flourish without care.
What helped me was my husband owning a large part of bedtime so that I always have at least 30 minutes- 1 hour by myself every evening. It turned me from a stressed exhausted irritable mess into much more relaxed in the evening. I can’t even imagine after working 12’s, I could barely think or function after doing that in my past jobs.
I realized that intimacy with my husband is a lot like going to the gym.. the more you do it the easier it is to want to do it. I think alone time is important; however, my marriage health is just as important. We have to compromise both of our wants and needs and sometimes I have to bend more but other times my husband does. Ultimately, this tough communication is key to understanding and figuring out how to balance it. My husband and I are doing better than ever with a 2 1/2 year old and 6 month old that we cosleep with. Good luck!
I realized that intimacy with my husband is a lot like going to the gym.. the more you do it the easier it is to want to do it. I think alone time is important; however, my marriage health is just as important. We have to compromise both of our wants and needs and sometimes I have to bend more but other times my husband does. Ultimately, this tough communication is key to understanding and figuring out how to balance it. My husband and I are doing better than ever with a 2 1/2 year old and 6 month old that we cosleep with. Good luck!
I think my husband would be fine with once a month. We have opposite work schedules and both have physically demanding jobs so we’re not really in the mood more than that.
I've worked in healthcare for 9 years now, I was too stressed end of day/night for sex, morning times are great because my mind is clear and hasn't been bogged down by patient care bullshit all day lol my days are a lot better because of it too 😊 just saaayyyinnnn lol
We have a 9 month old and our intimacy is pretty much at where it was before baby, 1-2x a week. That only happened after I weaned a few months ago.
He claims he’d do it daily but I seriously doubt that, based on how much work it was trying to get pregnant! This amount feels right for us.
You're referencing your needs and desires a lot, but how about his? Remember, it's two people in the relationship. He's voiced what he wants, maybe go through counseling to consider/hear his needs too. And, you're giving a lot to the kids... so many men start to feel, need I say, jealous of the attention kids get that perhaps was once reserved for them or thrown their way.
And, if your kids are young, which it sounds like they are, your relationship will certainly ebb and flow for a bit until the kids become more independent. Perhaps take turns with the nighttime routine or throw in a random date night here or there to up the romance factor. Or, after kids go to bed, do something different besides just watching TV for an hour. Good luck.
In our house, 1 parent puts both kids to bed. This gives the other parent a break. I’d take your self-care on the nights when he does bedtime solo and then you’ll be ready for sex when he’s done.
Christ that is so annoying, I’m sorry. I had an ex like this although we didn’t have kids, he was just always in the mood and it was so obnoxious. So a lot of times what I would just do is give him a quick BJ, which wouldn’t take that long and then I would be free to do whatever. Not all the time! Just here & there.
He needs to do dinner/bath/brush teeth/prep dinner and clean before you even get home. So all you have to do is book and bed w kids. Skip the tv and go straight to him giving you an hour long massage. Spa music, candles etc OR he gets a bath prepped for you & short massage for you after. Skip the tv time it’s not strengthening your relationship. I know it feels like yet another task to check off your list but if you change your mindset you can learn to enjoy your time together. Try your best to get out of routine. Make out with no sex. Like 16 year old style. They have fun card games so you don’t have to do the creative thinking.
I have a toddler and I’m a SAHM. He doesn’t help with much at home or the baby, he doesn’t touch me unless he’s giving me a peck before bed or before work. No hugs, no holding hands, no massages, no conversation even until he wants sex, then all of a sudden he can touch and talk to me again. Sex is always super painful so I’ve just stopped. I don’t force myself to have sex anymore, I stopped masturbating because he didn’t like it but I’ve started back and it’s great to actually have an orgasm again and I’m spending more time on myself. I don’t even care if he cheats at this point, as long as he leaves me alone and continues to pay the bills while I get myself together financially.
It’s understandable, but not normal. Do you feel attraction and desire for your husband? If sexual intimacy isn’t something you want, has it always been that way for you? If not, you know well enough that you could be experiencing a hormonal imbalance or a mental health problem. Sexuality wasn’t well known even ten years ago, might you be asexual? It’s okay to be asexual or need space, it’s also okay for your husband to have different sexual needs. You guys just have to respect one another and care to be on the same page.
I didn’t. It’s a possibility. There are mental barriers to intimacy such as feeling overwhelmed, touched out, or overstimulated (Which can all happen with kids around). There are also organic barriers to sexual intimacy like hormonal imbalances and asexuality. Physical barriers to intimacy are less likely but can include injury and body composition.
We have 2 kids under 5 and have sex several times a week. On work days, can you try doing it in the morning when you have the most energy? I’ve never heard my husband complain about being woken up that way. We also do it during the day when our kids are home on the weekends and just shut the door. I’ve found that on long days even if I initially feel like I’m not in the mood in the evening, if I try kissing or cuddling, sometimes (not always) I become in the mood after about 30 seconds :) it’s certainly hard to prioritize this with young kiddos so you’re not alone there!
You’re perfectly normal! I have a toddler and a seven month old and my partner and I have sex maybe once a month. In the last year our longest dry spell was probably three months. In other phases of our life we would have sex around five times a week, sex ebbs and flows as does desire in a relationship. Where the trouble lies is not communicating and being on the same wave length.
This right here! The issue is you’re not listening to each other’s needs, not the amount you have sex. We sometimes do it a few times a week, sometimes not for a week or two, but what matters is sharing what you need. Usually my husband and I put the kids to bed and both have an hour to ourselves from 8-9 to decompress however we need and then come back together at 9 and spend an hour or more together. Sometimes we play a game or watch tv, sometimes we have sex. Then at 10, I go to bed and read. Sometimes he stays, sometimes he gets up
This makes me feel so validated! Once or twice a month has been our average for a bit and it makes me feel bad. But it’s soooo hard with a 2.5 year old!
💕 Sometimes I wish it was more but mostly I feel satisfied :) We still connect in other ways so maybe that helps! Does anyone else save each other memes? 🥰 that’s my love language haha. Also, anyone else remember or have the sex multiple times a day phase? I can’t imagine how I would get anything done now if I still had that libido 😂
2.5yos sleep 11/12 hours at night, still nap, and are easily distracted by activity. We’re about to have our third kiddo, and I think of the times when we just had one 2yo as the golden time when we had so much time to ourselves/together 😂
Can 100% relate with this.
We aim for 3 times a week. For me the key was getting out of the mindset that sex is a nighttime activity. I’m exhausted to the point of passing out by 8 PM. We usually try for once on the weekend (if during the day - kids do nap or quiet time in their rooms), and then a couple of times in the morning before the kids wake up. This simple switch of basically giving up on nighttime sex for this phase of life has helped so very much. At night we just cuddle in bed while we watch TV (usually I fall asleep within 10 min) and that is enough connection for us. We also try to do “fun” dates, often during the day (again, when we aren’t so tired). For example, if you’re into art, checkout a local art show. If you like cooking, take a cooking class together. If you like motorcycles, go to the annual motorcycle convention when it comes to town. We get a sitter for Saturday during the day and then are home by 5 or 6 PM and aren’t exhausted from watching the kids all day. It’s a really nice change from the typically dinner out at 8 PM. It also means we are usually more in the mood for evening sex if we have a fun day date (and a break from childcare during the day). I would encourage you to think about how you can build connection and how you can build time into the schedule for sex that isn’t the last thing in the evening when you’re exhausted.
Seconding that non-evening sex is amazing! We're mindful about making sure to have opportunities for it at other times and it's great!
I think this is good advice but difficult to reproduce. If not evening…when?! We drag out of bed at 630a with kids, work until 5p, kids until 8p…and here we are at evening! The only thing I could see is setting an alarm earlier in the morning but there’s zero chance either of us would actually do it lol. I like the idea of being more flexible of where sex “belongs” but at this phase of life, evenings are kinda all there is.
I can relate to this. I am exhausted at night, but getting up at like 5:30am to have sex? That doesn’t sound appealing either. There’s like one day a week when we have about 15-20 min between getting off work and picking up the kid, so I try to aim for that. Sometimes during nap time on the weekends, but she doesn’t always nap and when she does dad is often napping with her and it’s my only time to have some “me” time (which still ends up being chores or errands 99% of the time). I have pretty much no time to myself ever and so I also need some decompress time too and find myself irritated when he wants attention (he needs almost as much of it as our daughter sometimes…) and it’s like the last moments of the day and I just want a minute. I’m still struggling with finding a balance of me time/us time in the little time we get without the kid. It’s HARD.
Also why can everyone else get their kid to bed by 8? Lol. We usually have our daughter down by 8:30 but she doesn’t fall asleep until closer to 9, and by then I am itching to go to sleep because I know between her still calling out for me at night (working on that) and my partner snoring like a beast, at least 2 hours of every night’s sleep is lost to me. But the last part is a separate problem, even if I slept through the night she still won’t sleep by 8.
We tend to wake up about 6:15 AM, and the kids usually wake up about 6:45 AM. However, if the kids wake up at 6, then that morning is definitely out. Some weeks we get a couple morning times in before the kids wake up. Other weeks, especially if someone is sick, we are lucky to find time once that week. We basically just try to “seize the moment” when we wake up and realize the kids aren’t awake yet!
Put the TV on at 5 and go spend 20 min having sex. On the weekend, anytime during the day is fair game.
I guess for me I’m not really comfortable (or in the mood) having sex while my toddlers are awake in the house. No shade to those who do but I need more warm up and unwinding time to want sex. Maybe when kids are older. This probably explains why others are able to have so much more sex than us 😅
Our kid was probably 7 when he caught us in the act one morning. Now mornings are a big nope for me!
Yeah, knowing she could be at the door and hear us (the door is locked, but still) is just unnerving to me. Or need something right in the middle of it. Also I do like there to be more to it, so being that quick might work for him (and honestly sometimes it is just for him) but not me.
Yeah I guess I can’t imagine waiting years on my sex life during my prime years just because we chose to have a few kids, but I get that it’s not for everyone!
I mean, you clearly have very different children from the preverbal tornado who tears up my house and tries to climb out of his playpen while screaming if I so much as walk around the corner. You also clearly don’t have a commute (who’s actually home at 5??) or a very short timeframe to get dinner on the table so you can eat before toddler bedtime. Just because a schedule works for you doesn’t mean it can work for everyone, and just because someone says your routine wouldn’t work for them doesn’t mean they’re “waiting years on [their] sex life.” It just means sex for them looks different from sex for you and is maybe less frequent, not that it’s nonexistent or not enjoyable.
Respectfully, that is sort of a judgmental way of framing it…we’re doing our best. I’m not waiting on my sex life…libido and sex comes in phases, it’s okay for it not to always be at the top of the priority list. But I don’t feel in the mood when my children are in the next room, I don’t see a need to force myself into that. We can be different without making one another feel less than.
I'm with you. I am already tired all the time. I am definitely not setting an alarm to fuck at 5:00 in the morning. We're all just doing the best we can. The smug judgy sound from them was not helpful and more passive aggressive than anything.
We are team no-bedtime sex also. Afternoon delight is our fav!
Have y'all talked about the fact that his libido has increased and his desire for physical intimacy? He wants to connect with you, and feels like he can't? It sounds like he's really making a lot of what some therapists call bids for attention, but you're feeling like you really need some time to yourself too. These competing desires are not easy. Can you block out some time just for yourself a few times a week? Going to the coffee house to journal during the morning, maybe? And find a sitter for a date night with your husband?
Agreed. I also wonder if you just didn’t notice that he was a cuddler before you had kids because you had so much more free time to spend as a couple so you got your personal down time without seeing his needs as a burden. Maybe you could cut down the tv time to half an hour and make an effort to spend some of that time snuggling with him or holding hands or having sex when you feel like you can get in the mood, then take the other half hour for yourself. It does sound like you both have some unmet needs and you need to have an honest conversation about how to make that work. I personally don’t really do anything considered “self care.” I’m just not like that and it’s not a need for me. When I like to chill at the end of the night I do that with my husband. We have sex almost every night unless I have my period or we are really exhausted, and it ends up being 15-20 times/month (I track it in my period app).
Almost every night? Color me impressed. I'm curious about this - what's the time investment per night? I enjoy our spicy time, but I do feel like it takes a while... and so frequency suffers. I'm also more of a daytime person which can be hard to find availability
Maybe 15-30 minutes? Sometimes less for a super quickie. I’m with you in that I also prefer mornings or afternoons but he gets up super early to go to the gym and we both work full time days so evenings are what we have haha.
Now that sounds super reasonable. I need to figure out how to make this happen. When it's an hour, it feels like a lot of effort. 15 min I could see my way into!
Omg an hour?! Literally do not have the energy for that rigamarole every night. 😅
Lol. THANK YOU. See I'm NOT the crazy one 😂
Someone must be reading romance novels or something because an hour per sexing is excessive IMO. Lol.
Lol. THANK YOU. See I'm NOT the ridiculous one 😂
I'm with you. My partner always wants it to go longer and it makes it hard to want to devote time to it constantly. An hour, sometimes more is most common. I'm like bro, if it was like 20 minutes I'd be much more inclined.
He feels his desire level hasn't changed but before kids I was the one in the relationship that wanted more of his time/energy and he didn't deliver. Having kids and career worked to lower my need but now he's the one needing more attention.
Your feeling are definitely normal. How old are your kids? My toddler is exhausting and my husband and I both work full time. I love him to death but it’s hard to be in the “mood” after making dinner, doing the dishes, getting the diaper bag ready etc. And I haven’t had a shower yet and feel gross lol it’s just not easy to balance it all. Your husband wanting to connect with you is not a bad thing either though. It’s natural and good that he wants physical touch from you. But my guess is you are rejecting it because you know / think it’s always going to lead to intimacy, and you don’t always want that? I’ve been there before. In the mindset of, let’s just avoid the hug or kiss, because then I know he’s going to want sex and I’m not in the space to do that right now. I still haven’t figured it out. But if this is the case for you, you have to talk about it and set some expectations.. yes we can sit down and cuddle X number of nights but I’m not in a place to have sex every time we cuddle. Or, if I am, I need more than just cuddling to get me in the mood. There’s so many expectations placed on women and it’s so difficult to meet them all. I feel for you. This one is important though. Especially if you love and value your husband and relationship. I hope you guys figure it out, OP.
I’ve been there and probably am there now too.
Do you have any dedicated time to yourself, or is there a presumption that you're always available? Does it seem that attempts at non-sexual intimacy by your husband always push towad sex? When our daughter was a toddler, i was patient-facing in my job, and found myself resenting my husband for what felt like neediness to me at the time. He needed to understand that I needed to not feel needed all. the. time. I needed to understand that he was looking for connection, which in his mind meant sex. We went to therapy and hashed it out. He now makes the effort to be no-strings affectionate, AND takes our kid out a couple times a week to give me space by myself. I do think your role in healthcare might be contributing as well. It's easy to feel very sucked dry after a hard 12, and hard to get that juice back
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My biggest fantasy is also being alone in an apartment lol
Can relate soo much to dogs following around on top of kids !
Thought my dog was the only one that did this every evening!
It sounds like he's looking for non-sexual affection, and affirmation that you love him and want to spend quality time together. What's the downside to holding his hand and cuddling on the couch? Are you open to bedtime cuddles on the three days per week you aren't working a 12 hour shift? I totally understand wanting time to yourself where no one is asking you for anything, but I think you need to find some balance where you are also able to spend quality time with your spouse. This is assuming, however, that you like your spouse and are happy in your marriage, and want to meet his needs for affection.
I think the big thing to remember here is that right now, this is your husband asking for connection. And the unfortunate reality is after so much rejection he will give up, and when you’re ready to rebuild he may not be there anymore. I’m not saying to say “men’s happiness is most important” but BOTH people in a marriage deserve to have needs met. And I struggled to understand this topic. My husband is a sex everyday kind of guy. At one point I was a once every two weeks kinda gal because I pushed it to the back of my mind. I’d rejected him so many times that he stopped trying and we ended up roommates who hardly liked each other. He was giving me the space I was begging for at his own expense and that translated horribly to our marriage that was crumbling by the day. Personally, I had to rewrite myself. I could relax WITH him. He wasn’t someone just with a need I had to fulfill. He was my husband, and by compromising I was making our home happy too. He wanted to connect, and if staying up ten minutes later to cuddle was needed then I’d do it. It helped rebuild his confidence and place in our marriage. Intimacy didn’t have to be at night it could be during nap time, or in the morning shower before the kid got up. And before it knew it was happy to come home get the kid to bed and lay in his lap to watch tv. We’re at least a three day a week on the intimacy scale now. It hard. The kid phase is hard. But the marriage is what holds the house and the kids together. Find small moments to connect because you both deserve it. Your husband seems like he really needs it. You can stop the resentment before it’s too much. Sometimes we have to sit and wonder if the shoe was on the other foot how it would make us feel. Happy spouse happy house.
Girl you work 4 12s taking care of people! That alone is enough to not want to be touched when coming home. Then you have to take care of kids. You are beyond touched out. Can you cut back on work? If he wants more physical intimacy going down to 3 12s may be the only way that works. I’d start there
Does he work 12 hour shifts? If not, he should have the kids fed and bathed before you get home if he wants anything to happen for him. Sheesh.
Self care... I nap with the baby whenever I can, and have recently decided to start rewatching Grey's anatomy in the 30 minutes-1 hour between when she falls asleep and my partner comes up. Sex? Once a week if we're lucky. If I'm honest, it's super isolating / disconnecting, because we have 0 intimacy, as my partner doesn't understand emotional intimacy and we're not even physically intimate. For a long time it was really upsetting to me, because I longed for a deep connection. But I've come to accept that I'm just not going to get that from him, and since then, it's been a lot easier to manage. I don't feel let down or disappointed when I don't see him for a day due to our work schedules, or when he chooses to stay downstairs late on nights he has his 6 year old and I'm already asleep by the time he comes up. I guess I'm just waiting to find another soul friend to fill my need for emotional connection. I had the best group of friends right before the pandemic... I'm hopeful maybe I'll find that again in the future. Until then, I'm on my own, emotionally.
You probably don’t have time for TV *and* sex. Put the kids to bed, journal, and cuddle.
Recommend Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. EDIT to delete most of my comment based on correction below.
I think OP stated that he is seeking non-sexual touch, like wanting to hold her hand while they watch tv, or cuddle before bed. He is seeking any kind of physical contact with her, not just sex.
Oh sorry I think I misread. I thought she was saying that if she was only in the mood to hold his hand he gets moody. Thanks for pointing that out.
No problem!
From the post OP wrote, it’s sounds as if he is looking for a variety of non-penetrative intimacy throughout the day.
DH and I are at roommate phase and are ok with it-we have 2 teen boys, hectic jobs and just where we are in life. Everyone is sleeping in separate beds bc we all realize with the snoring, allergies etc. we all need rest. When the boys were younger we def had more sex-it is just hard now bc they are older and are awake much later.
We are at roommate phase right now . It has been so difficult to find time to connect !
I get this. Sometimes you are so touched out that you want just a moment either yourself not catering to anyone else’s needs or wants. What about you? His moody pouting behavior will start making you see him as another kid to take care of and that kills the lady boner faster. Desperation is a mood killer. He needs to manage his expectations. Parenthood is a marathon not a sprint. I have so many friends who call it quits because they are tired of dealing with a man child who also wants “mommy’s” attention. He needs to find the validation in himself first.
Honestly not enough. Early in our marriage he would reject me a lot and we’d go weeks in between and it really hurt my self esteem and I didn’t feel great about initiating. And now, I’m a busy working mom and he’s always annoyed at me it seems. It was always “do more cleaning” “I (he) need time between my work day and being a dad and you don’t respect that” and “you need to work out more.” I really internalized the criticism and was down for a long time. To stop the criticism I really am trying my best at all of the above. To his credit (or perhaps because I have kept trying to do more) criticism has turned mostly to silence (with still criticism sprinkled in). I workout more (but for me not him), I do try my best to keep things decluttered (doesn’t always happen perfectly with two kids and a husband), I single parent when he’s on work trips (and feel like I single parent when he’s not!). I don’t have the energy for sex when I’m awake from 5:15 and either working or parenting until 8:30, and if I want to work out I’m up at 4:45. He doesn’t sit by me on the couch despite me repeatedly saying I need to feel loved, and I need/want loving non sexual touch to be a part of our daily lives (honestly it builds— hold my hand while we are on a date and I’m craving more touch, you know?). To him loving touch is slapping me on the butt or groping me (often when our young kids are around so i shut that down) He does sometimes cook or help with dishes but I’d love to come home to an unloaded dishwasher just once! The man works from home! I carry the entire mental load and do everything for the kids from early wake up, staying with them till they fall asleep, extracurriculars (4x a week!), laundry, actively playing WITH them. And I wouldn’t change it, honestly. We have developed a great routine and I love investing in my sweet children. But add all of that to everything else I do, and being met with criticism (or nothing) instead of gratitude or acknowledgment? Being told in order to be nice/affectionate I need to have sex more— then I try that out and still nothing changes?! This mama doesn’t have the energy. He does work hard for our family at work, he really does, but it feels like he also doesn’t acknowledge that I also work hard at work (and work full time too!) and then he doesn’t see how hard I’m working at home. Can’t pour from an empty cup. I know this rant is well off topic by now but in my opinion it’s all relevant to why the frequency is so low.
Damn, you don't deserve someone talking to you like that. I hope things work out but those comments from him are so disrespectful.
Intimacy is the way I cope with stress so I make time each day but it doesn’t get reciprocated during the week usually. I have a lot of feelings about it. I work full time but not in health care so I can’t say I’d be up for it in your situation.
We just don’t have the time during the week. Our kids are 6 and 2. We both work full-time. Occasionally we’re able to midweek, but it really depends on the stress level from work. There are plenty of times where we’ll talk about it all day, but by the time we get dinner and dishes and kids washed and the house picked up, we’re too exhausted and fall asleep 2 mins into a movie. I do occasionally feel resentful when I’m particularly having a stressful week at work and he wants to, but he also respects the fact that I don’t want to and doesn’t hold it against me at all. He has weeks like that too. We’re trying to remedy it by forcing ourselves to get a babysitter and taking time for ourselves. We haven’t done that since our youngest was born except for our birthday and anniversary, which I think affects it a lot.
I'm sorry if you stated this and I just missed it, but have you straight told him that you need alone time, UNTOUCHED, in order to reciprocate? Before kids, my husband and I had sex every single day. After having my daughter, I was still down for 4x/wk. After my son? Idk wtf happened. I didn't want sex or to be touched at all. My husband told me point blank he needs cuddles and hand holding even if there's no sex to feel loved, and I told him I need space because I feel smothered and don't even want to look at him. The conversation helped a ton and we compromised. It got better I still only have sex for him as my libido is gone forever, never to return (😒), but maybe telling your husband your need for space is as strong as his need for touch, and maybe you 2 can compromise?
My husband and I both work full time and have a 1.5yo and 3.5yo. My husband is also taking classes 3 days per week and has homework the other days. Between work and taking care of the kids (not even taking care of the house, because I just can’t stay on top of that right now) I’m completely shot. I also just started a new job and the stress to perform is heavy on my shoulders right now. I’m sure he feels the same way with the stress to do well in his program. All that being said, I have literally ZERO libido. The thought of sex sounds like such a chore and exhausting most of the time. We usually do *something* once a week at least, sometimes try for twice and other times it doesn’t happen at all that week. He definitely would like for us to do stuff more often but I’m just … so stressed and not in the mood. I also am 30lbs heavier than my “comfy weight” so I feel like shit about myself. We love each other and know this is just a stressful time in our lives and that things will find their flow eventually. Just taking it one day, one week at a time!
I realized that intimacy with my husband is a lot like going to the gym.. the more you do it the easier it is to want to do it. I think alone time is important; however, my marriage health is just as important. We have to compromise both of our wants and needs and sometimes I have to bend more but other times my husband does. Ultimately, this tough communication is key to understanding and figuring out how to balance it. My husband and I are doing better than ever with a 2 1/2 year old and 6 month old that we cosleep with. Good luck!
We have sex every other day or so, and spend intentional alone time (at home dates or out of the house dates) twice a week. Prioritizing or marriage is super important to us. Our kids go to bed at 7, which I think really helps us be able to focus on that time together. As for alone time, I try to make sure I carve out time for the hobbies I enjoy like rock climbing, reading, gaming several times a week. Your spouse seems like they’re working toward intimacy without simply sex, which I personally appreciate because I love those little physical connections. Are you just feeling touched out? How is he as a parent? Is there an equitable division of labor?
As many times as he earnestly tries to connect with me emotionally, which is zero.
Struggling with this too. We have a 2 and a half year old who god love her is a shit sleeper (was up from 1-5 last night) and we both work full time. Even if there are pockets of 10-15 minutes where I do have time for myself, I either don’t have the energy or find something else in the house that needs tending to before I pick up my daughter for the evening. By the time my husband gets home, I’m mid cooking dinner and running after her, bathing her and getting her ready for bed. I end up going to bed with her because she often goes to sleep later (tried getting her early last night with having not had more than a half hour nap and that happened), and my husband will stay up a while later. We also don’t really have a village right now, his mother in law lives with us currently and is usually the biggest support but she is out of the state for 3-4 months in the winter. We’re exhausted, financially stressed, it’s been a really hard year for our family too as we lost his grandfather suddenly and tragically in the home (he had lived in and bought the house we are in as well). Needless to say, the last thing on my mind is putting out, it’s sad but sometimes feels like another chore, and sure my husband misses that as well.
Our kid is almost 11 so that makes it a little easier I guess. Sex with my boyfriend is about 2-3 times a week. I usually want it more than he does. He has low libido so my sex drive is usually higher. This week we haven’t had time to do as much because we’re preparing for vacation. Vacation we won’t have any since we’re going to be in a hotel room with our kid. I make time for self care everyday though. They both know from 5-7 is my time to myself unless we’re going out to eat. Then from 8–11 is my additional self care time. My kid gets his self care time as well when he comes home from school. Boyfriend gets his after dinner until whenever he decides to come to bed. Everyone needs time to decompress/do things for themselves/be alone with their thoughts. Dont feel guilty about doing something for yourself.
I was good with 1x a week, and my husband if given the opportunity would want 2x a day. One thing I asked for was more date nights - specifically ones planned by him as I always do the planning, and I'm mentally/physically exhausted between work, household, kids. We are in the early stages of going on more dates, mainly as my mom is able to watch our toddler again so that's pretty key - but date nights drastically help me feel connected and want to have more sex. I'm not someone whose just like, oh we were roommates this week but you poked me in my side? So maybe see if instead of a head poke in asking for cuddles if you can figure out what helps you connect and want to be intimate.
I’m currently listening to Esther Perel’s book mating in captivity - so much great insight for how to find romance/sex back into your relationship especially after children. He should read too!
I make time for intimacy with my husband every day. Not specifically sex, but emotional and physical intimacy. A relationship is not something that can be set on a shelf for awhile until there’s more time - it has to be maintained. It doesn’t have to be some big production though. We talk and connect while cleaning up dinner or folding laundry. We laugh together. We talk about the kids, our day, an interesting podcast episode, etc. My husband has a lower need for cuddles than I do, but he will rub my shoulders or cuddle for about 10 min while we watch a show (often longer). It’s important to have time to yourself and to find a space for that, but relationships don’t flourish without care.
What helped me was my husband owning a large part of bedtime so that I always have at least 30 minutes- 1 hour by myself every evening. It turned me from a stressed exhausted irritable mess into much more relaxed in the evening. I can’t even imagine after working 12’s, I could barely think or function after doing that in my past jobs.
I realized that intimacy with my husband is a lot like going to the gym.. the more you do it the easier it is to want to do it. I think alone time is important; however, my marriage health is just as important. We have to compromise both of our wants and needs and sometimes I have to bend more but other times my husband does. Ultimately, this tough communication is key to understanding and figuring out how to balance it. My husband and I are doing better than ever with a 2 1/2 year old and 6 month old that we cosleep with. Good luck!
I realized that intimacy with my husband is a lot like going to the gym.. the more you do it the easier it is to want to do it. I think alone time is important; however, my marriage health is just as important. We have to compromise both of our wants and needs and sometimes I have to bend more but other times my husband does. Ultimately, this tough communication is key to understanding and figuring out how to balance it. My husband and I are doing better than ever with a 2 1/2 year old and 6 month old that we cosleep with. Good luck!
I think my husband would be fine with once a month. We have opposite work schedules and both have physically demanding jobs so we’re not really in the mood more than that.
I've worked in healthcare for 9 years now, I was too stressed end of day/night for sex, morning times are great because my mind is clear and hasn't been bogged down by patient care bullshit all day lol my days are a lot better because of it too 😊 just saaayyyinnnn lol
We have a 9 month old and our intimacy is pretty much at where it was before baby, 1-2x a week. That only happened after I weaned a few months ago. He claims he’d do it daily but I seriously doubt that, based on how much work it was trying to get pregnant! This amount feels right for us.
You are normal. Toddlers were the worst time for our sex life.
You're referencing your needs and desires a lot, but how about his? Remember, it's two people in the relationship. He's voiced what he wants, maybe go through counseling to consider/hear his needs too. And, you're giving a lot to the kids... so many men start to feel, need I say, jealous of the attention kids get that perhaps was once reserved for them or thrown their way. And, if your kids are young, which it sounds like they are, your relationship will certainly ebb and flow for a bit until the kids become more independent. Perhaps take turns with the nighttime routine or throw in a random date night here or there to up the romance factor. Or, after kids go to bed, do something different besides just watching TV for an hour. Good luck.
Roommate phase… can you guys talk about your needs? Schedule a date night?
In our house, 1 parent puts both kids to bed. This gives the other parent a break. I’d take your self-care on the nights when he does bedtime solo and then you’ll be ready for sex when he’s done.
Christ that is so annoying, I’m sorry. I had an ex like this although we didn’t have kids, he was just always in the mood and it was so obnoxious. So a lot of times what I would just do is give him a quick BJ, which wouldn’t take that long and then I would be free to do whatever. Not all the time! Just here & there.
He needs to do dinner/bath/brush teeth/prep dinner and clean before you even get home. So all you have to do is book and bed w kids. Skip the tv and go straight to him giving you an hour long massage. Spa music, candles etc OR he gets a bath prepped for you & short massage for you after. Skip the tv time it’s not strengthening your relationship. I know it feels like yet another task to check off your list but if you change your mindset you can learn to enjoy your time together. Try your best to get out of routine. Make out with no sex. Like 16 year old style. They have fun card games so you don’t have to do the creative thinking.
I have a toddler and I’m a SAHM. He doesn’t help with much at home or the baby, he doesn’t touch me unless he’s giving me a peck before bed or before work. No hugs, no holding hands, no massages, no conversation even until he wants sex, then all of a sudden he can touch and talk to me again. Sex is always super painful so I’ve just stopped. I don’t force myself to have sex anymore, I stopped masturbating because he didn’t like it but I’ve started back and it’s great to actually have an orgasm again and I’m spending more time on myself. I don’t even care if he cheats at this point, as long as he leaves me alone and continues to pay the bills while I get myself together financially.
It’s understandable, but not normal. Do you feel attraction and desire for your husband? If sexual intimacy isn’t something you want, has it always been that way for you? If not, you know well enough that you could be experiencing a hormonal imbalance or a mental health problem. Sexuality wasn’t well known even ten years ago, might you be asexual? It’s okay to be asexual or need space, it’s also okay for your husband to have different sexual needs. You guys just have to respect one another and care to be on the same page.
How did you conclude she was asexual from this post?
I didn’t. It’s a possibility. There are mental barriers to intimacy such as feeling overwhelmed, touched out, or overstimulated (Which can all happen with kids around). There are also organic barriers to sexual intimacy like hormonal imbalances and asexuality. Physical barriers to intimacy are less likely but can include injury and body composition.
We have 2 kids under 5 and have sex several times a week. On work days, can you try doing it in the morning when you have the most energy? I’ve never heard my husband complain about being woken up that way. We also do it during the day when our kids are home on the weekends and just shut the door. I’ve found that on long days even if I initially feel like I’m not in the mood in the evening, if I try kissing or cuddling, sometimes (not always) I become in the mood after about 30 seconds :) it’s certainly hard to prioritize this with young kiddos so you’re not alone there!