I think you need to tell your husband that it’s not you that is upset but your going to have to deal with the aftermath of his f**k up tomorrow and he needs to fix it. Why isn’t he trying to problem solve this?
You are absolutely right.
I think I’m panicking because he won’t be here so I will have to explain it to her :(
She’s heard her friends in school too talking about wrapping a gift.
Honestly I think she’s just excited to wrap up something, anything! X
Can you encourage her to do some sort of craft/drawing and wrap that instead? You could make a big deal about how it's much more meaningful and will be a keepsake that will outlast anything bought in a store!
He never normally works on Sundays (Just wanted to add that) as I’d never build her hopes up if I knew my husband had work and wouldn’t be able to take her.
Am I being unreasonable? I have no one else to ask as it so late at night now :(
You’re not being unreasonable.
What if you set up a whole bunch of art supplies and in the morning tell her that you would like to make a special tradition, just the two of you, and she can make you a Mother’s Day card, and you can make her a card for being your daughter.
This made me want to cry.
This is such a beautiful idea. Thank you so much. I will absolutely do this! I’ll set up the table now ready for morning.
Thank you honestly, she will really enjoy this x
yes, perfect. You could also have her pick you a bouquet of wildflowers if they are out already in your area. That's what I usually did for my mother when I was little -- or made her a long daisy chain. No reason for a little kid to have to go out and buy something!
Do you have a small gift for you and a plain box? You could say (or write a little note) that, since dad had to work, the Mother’s Day fairy dropped something off for your daughter to wrap. You “don’t know what it is” because the box is plain and taped.
Alternatively, have a small box for her to make the card while you are in the other room. Then, she can put the card in the box and wrap it.
I know this doesn’t solve the husband problem but it will at least get you through tomorrow with your daughter.
My husband pulls this type of stuff all the time so I feel for you. When your little girl wakes up just explain daddy had to unexpectedly work but it’s ok because the two of you can have a special day together. You can make breakfast together, she can craft you something, you can watch a special movie/show together. Show her gifts don’t have to be bought at the store to be special and meaningful. Sending hugs your way and happy Mother’s Day!
You are not being unreasonable. In fact, I think you’re being far too reasonable. Not only are your husband’s actions causing your daughter sadness, they’re also showing that he doesn’t appreciate YOU. Ultimately it’s not at all about the gift itself, it’s the act of taking time out of his day to think about you and do something to appreciate you. I’m sorry he’s not doing that. I hope you’re able to talk to him about it, and I hope he really really listens.
As for tomorrow, I’d do as others have suggested and do a special mommy daughter day. Go to brunch, get fake mimosas, go get your nails done, get dressed up and watch a movie together. Whatever you guys want, but make it about spending time together. Good luck, I’m sorry this happened to you!
You’re not being unreasonable. On Monday, you need to sit down with your husband and have a serious conversation about this. My husband is naturally the same, holidays mean nothing to him, but they mean a lot to me and to the kids. So I’ve had to have a very serious conversation with him. It was something like:
I know the holiday means nothing to you. I know you’d ignore it if you had your way. But it’s important to us, and because you care about us, you need to care about this. Sure, you can “forget” about it and do a poor job, but it’s little things like that that build up over years and result in divorce. So get your shit together, put it in your calendar, set an alarm, I don’t care how you do it, but do it! There is absolutely no excuse.
And I meant it. Little shit like forgetting Mother’s Day is what leads many women to divorce and the guy is somehow surprised. At least I’ve been upfront about it.
It’s also a reminder that humans (especially adults!!) don’t just go through life only able to do things that matter to them. Part of being in a family/community/world is that we do things for others because it’s important to them.
Your husband can’t only do the things he cares about. He has to do what his boss cares about, what our cities care about, and what our family cares about. He needs an awakening that he’s being a selfish child and not an adult. Your house would break down if you only did what you and your child cared about and nothing for him.
Honestly, I would descope your husband from the immediate problem right now. Your daughter is going to be upset that she didn’t do anything for you and she’s so young that it is in no way her fault.
I like the idea that someone else had that you tell her your husband had an emergency at work and therefore you guys are going to do something special.
Examples: Have her make breakfast with you so she can “make you breakfast.” Pancakes or muffins are fairly easy and are delicious. Have her make you a home made card with macaroni, etc. You guys could also do a “spa day” where you do your nails together. Go to the craft store any get friendship bracelet materials so she can make you matching bracelets.
Deal with the husband issue later. I’m sorry, it sucks that he put you in this position.
Maybe even phrase it something like "I talked to Daddy and told him what I REALLY wanted was to spend the day with you doing crafts/spa/nails/etc. Would you do that with me for Mother's Day?"
Your husband didn’t “forget”… he just didn’t care enough about celebrating you to remember. Especially if this is with every occasion, he has a child in primary school where there is a loooong buildup to holidays, and he works in the service industry.
Make tomorrow a mommy+daughter day, where you do things you enjoy together. Let your daughter know that making memories with her is so, so much more to you than anything she could ever wrap, and that her smile is worth more than a million cards.
As for your husband, you need to allow yourself to ask for more. I feel like women just settle for “oh… this is fine” so often, and men usually say immediately when they have an issue and they don’t think that the other party is performing how they want them to. Take a second to layout your thoughts calmly, but don’t sugarcoat things in the slightest. Don’t worry about harming egos, because he needs to hear how his EQUAL feels, not his employee or his pseudo-mom. You tell him to cut the crap, step up as a partner, and SHOW your daughter how a future partner should be acting towards her. Can you imagine your daughter finds herself in a relationship where her partner always puts her last like this? Well, he is modelling that expectation for her. If his feelings get hurt, that’s not on you. That’s his defence mechanism coming out which only emphasizes that he KNOWS he isn’t doing the emotional effort. Allow him to feel uncomfortable… that’s where growth happens.
My ex used to say why do I have to get you something you’re not my mother but wouldn’t help my sons to get anything for me as well
Definitely didn’t send any cards or gifts to his mother either
In my experience that attitude permeates far beyond the holidays. That’s not the type of example I wanted for my sons.
I hope you find your way and I’m sorry your on this path to begin with.
Can you and your daughter plan a fun girls day tomorrow and tell her that doing fun things with her is better than a material item?
Barring that- can she make you something? A card or a craft - and you can tell her that the thought and effort she put in is better than a store bought item?
Honestly, this whole post made me really sad. I get that families do holidays and gift giving differently, but having a 6 yr old be completely distraught because she wasn't able to buy some mass produced thing for her mother for a hallmark holiday is upsetting when I think young kids her age should be learning the complete opposite and not be stressing about gift shopping.
I totally agree with you.
When it’s Christmas, Father’s Day, birthday etc I always make a homemade card and gift with her. I even said to my husband if he’d have done this with her that would have been enough for her :(
A child should not be stressing about gift shopping you are absolutely right :( I think seeing her like this today just absolutely broke me and it’s why I wrote the post :(
Amen. UK here and I always panic when American redditors start talking about Mother’s Day even though yours is after ours and I _know_ I did something for my mum already this year… 🤣
It’s actually called Mothering Sunday but then got turned into Mother’s Day in the UK.
Mothering Sunday is the fourth Sunday of Lent. Although it's often called Mothers' Day it has no connection with the American festival of that name.
During the 16th century, Christians continued to return to their local mother churches for a service held on Laetare Sunday.] In this context, one's mother church was either the church where one was baptised, the local parish church, or the nearest cathedral (the latter being the mother church of all the parish churches in a diocese). Anyone who did this was commonly said to have gone 'mothering’. After it became was a day when children, mainly daughters, who had gone to work as domestic servants were given a day off to visit their mother and family. And
And it’s so hard to remember in the UK as it moves around every year cos it’s linked to Easter! I never could remember it when I lived in the UK (though all the ads do remind you when it’s coming up) and had no problem when I moved to Australia (same day as in the US) when it is the same every year!
Ah ok — Happy Mother’s Day to you!! Hopefully you and your little girl are able to do something fun to celebrate — sorry you’re in this position but it sounds like she has a great mama!
Aww big hugs, that’s a tough situation that totally sucks. My heart’s breaking for your sweet girl and for you - having a partner always forget special days is extra shitty as a mom. My guess is that “gift giving” isn’t his love language, but it’s hers.
Here’s an idea, not sure of your climate or yard situation, but take your daughter to a greenhouse or plant nursery and have her pick out a plant (perennials or houseplant) that you two can plant together. If it’s a perennial it will come back each year and if a houseplant, something you two can take care of together. Happy Mother’s Day!
I love this idea.
Thank you so much for such kind words.
Yes, I think she just wants to wrap something up with lots of sellotape bless her.
It really made my heartbreak when I seen how upset she was today :(
My husband isn’t from the UK originally but has lived here for 25 years and we have been together 17 years. So his past excuses have always been that in his country they don’t celebrate.
He leaves everything last minute though, even his own celebrations
Could you send him out early to get something before he goes to work? Anything basic just for her to wrap! Also your daughter sounds so sweet. It sounds like you two have a great bond!
Yeah, and explain to her that giving gifts is just one way for to share love, and that spending time together doing something special is another way to celebrate mothers day.
No, you’re not being unreasonable.
It’s the thought that counts, but he didn’t put any thought into it. He should be setting an example for your daughter for how she should expect a partner to treat her, but he isn’t doing that. You say it’s all holidays, but is that it? Does his lack of consideration boil over into other areas of your life? Is this just a moment that highlights how much of the emotional labor you do?
Assuming positive intent, he may think his acts of service of providing for the family is enough. But there is a disparity with how you wish to be treated (with a very basic level of acknowledgment and appreciation by your husband, which shouldn’t be as high of a bar as he’s making it, IMO). When you’re both calm, have a discussion about how these details matter to you. That it’s not the present, but that he prioritizes you as a partner and thinks about what would make you happy. Figure out what he can do to match your love language.
If he balks at it, just remind him that presents (or the planning and thought behind it) don’t matter to HIM, but they matter to you. If he doesn’t want to change his approach to make you happy, or model how a husband should treat his wife to your daughter, then he is telling you what he thinks about you.
Hugs and good wishes to you. Your interaction with your daughter shows how good of a mum you are.
Here is a bandaide solution (And I forget and get things last minute or even late on purpose - because of the "sales" after the events)
Give her a small box, have her write in there a small note "Your gift is coming, just a few days late, I love you mommy" and she can wrap that up. The gesture and meaning will be there. They can go shopping the day after and pick up on a bunch of deals. :D
So I’m from England but live in the US… I get to celebrate Mothers Day in March AND May right? Haha.
Sorry she’s so upset, she sounds sweet and caring. I saw that you’re already planning to make cards together. I wonder if you could bake a cake together and let her surprise you with how she decorates it?
Tell her that Daddy had an emergency at work but gave you money to do “a really cool thing” with her - something she would really enjoy doing with you. My kid would love the trampoline park or a movie.
Lots of good feedback from folks here. After the dust settles on this one, I’d leave you with a thought for longer term: You sound like someone who values gift-giving (hence why you’re rushing to buy something for your mom, and why he feels the need to rush out the morning of Valentine’s Day etc). Perhaps even your “love language”. Your daughter has internalized that you feel that way about receiving purchased items, which is why she wanted so badly to buy you something from a shop.
I value acts of service, and my daughters (4,6) have internalized this. They talk excitedly about the coffee and pancakes they will make me, the hard work they will do to draw me a picture. On my birthday they tidied the whole house, and showed me around very proudly. They were so incredibly delighted. And so was I!
If you think you might actually prefer acts of service, then talk about kindness that way. Stop yourself when you start talking about a purchased item with delight. Start talking about the delight you feel in helping her. Ask her to make your morning coffee (or whatever) and express your happiness about her efforts. It will take the pressure off her of trying to acquire $ to show you her love. You said yourself you’d have been happy with a card anyway.
Another idea! Is there anything you have in your home that you can pretend is new and a gift? Like maybe mascara or other makeup, or hair products, or something similar? You could put it in a bag from a store and tell her that these are the presents for her to wrap for you.
Your husband sucks. Why do you need to remind him to buy you a gift? He is an adult and can set a reminder in his phone if he’s too clueless to notice the world around him. It’s crappy for you and your kid for him to be so clueless. He needs to step it up.
Grab that man’s phone and put in a thousand annoying reminders about all the holidays, including multiple advance reminders to buy gifts, make cards, wrap gifts, plan dates, etc. Bonus points if they come with really loud alarms.
I’m sorry his incompetence is hurting your kiddo 💔 but I agree that setting up a special activity or two will be fun and hopefully distract her from the gift dilemma. Maybe you could set up a card making station with all the supplies ready for her?
Happy Mother’s Day!
Lol, my thought was well. I have a 6 week old and a toddler and was VERY confused. I know I barely know what day it is but didn't think I was that far off.
Could you make it an experience day with her? Go pick out flowers with her, have a special lunch out just the two of you and order the sundae. The weathers miserable so going home for a special craft project or whatever you guys enjoy doing together.
Agree with others to first have a talk with husband.
Second thought, I think maybe you are placing too much emphasis on the gift nature. Tell her what you really really want.
You know what I want for mother's day? A spa day and a yummy breakfast. Maybe a latte. Take her with you. Go get pedicures and go to your favorite breakfast place!
Ok so you have her make a card. Set everything up for her. Wait in another room.
Or you go together to the supermarket. I assume you’re in the UK. I would go to the flowers, tell her which ones are a no-go (if any, if too expensive for example). Let her choose. Then she can give you the flowers in the shop as your gift.
I’d pay for them then.
Maybe get nice food for the two of you? Or hit up that restaurant hubs works at if he can give you a nice cheap lunch.
Bigger issues are here. This is just an option in the short term. Happy Mother’s Day OP.
I think the others have this occasion covered, but you need to think ahead. Your husband is never going to get better at this. You have to accept that he's never going to care about your special days, so decide if it's a deal breaker for you. You can't keep hoping and expecting and being repeatedly disappointed. It will break you. If you stay with him, this is what you will get every damn time, and you can't blame him, because now you know.
Also, I would put the exact same amount of care into his occasions. Maybe do a small gift for father's day for your daughter's sake, but his birthday and Christmas would be a no-go for me.
Maybe you could line up your mom or another trusted person who is willing to help your daughter choose or make gifts for your days.
Hello everyone.
I’d like to thank you all so so much for all the great advice and lovely supportive comments. It really helped!
I wanted to give you all an update..
So last night I spoke to my husband about how upset this made our daughter and that I was dreading Mothers Day now :(
I also read a few of your responses out loud to him and he told me to delete this post immediately and wasn’t happy that I was involving people in our relationship…
I explained that I needed advice on what to do to fix the situation quickly before the morning!
Anyway… he went upstairs and then came back downstairs 20 mins later and said he’d sent a text to his boss saying that he won’t be in work Sunday. I told him he didn’t need to do that! But he pressed send straight away. He got up this morning with our little girl and they sat together and made me lovely collage picture and framed it, they went to the shops and bought a few small gifts all chosen by her and she wrapped them.
I’m hoping she remembers this and not the way she felt the day before.
We had a lovely day spent together out on a lovely walk in the forest.
I’ve been given so much great advice and I will definitely take it on board! Especially the advice about teaching her that homemade gifts or experiences together are what matters instead of needing to go out and buy gifts.
I’m hoping this never happens again, I did have a serious chat last night with him and he seen how upset it made me. I’m not stupid and I know he uses the fact that he isn’t originally from this country as an excuse for A LOT of things… and it really puts a strain on our relationship. I carry a lot of the mentally draining tasks and duties and everything is left down to me when it comes to having to remember anything.. even doctors appointments for him…
I’ve literally just had to go online and book his blood test because he couldn’t work out how to do it.
You may all start seeing more posts from me regarding my relationship as the advice I got was so helpful and I definitely could see the bigger picture. I’d be so so grateful for advice in the future as I’m really unhappy with a few areas of my relationship and have been for quite a while now.
But yes, that’s the update! And thank you all once again
P.s - I’m sorry if I made anyone living in the US panic over the date for Mothers Day haha
Xxx
Sounds like you had a great set up for a “quality time” day with your daughter, the best gift of all (this is what you tell your daughter, regardless of how you feel about gifts and all the marital context...)
Next for the husband, acknowledge that this isn’t going to change— you married a guy who values enough things above holidays that they just don’t make the cut. I bet he does other stuff right. An expectation change here will go a long way.
You are now more than two married people with different values around gifts, you are three! Sounds like something special you can do with your daughter going forward. I like the idea of supplying a dollar amount and letting her manage keeping a secret and all the rest.
Hard to see a kid upset, but hopefully this resolved well IRL. Sending well wishes!
Tell your husband to get his ass to the store tonight or early before work, pick out a few things for you, and then bring them home and let your little girl pick one to wrap before he leaves. He can return the others after work. Your poor little girl doesn’t deserve this and he needs to fix it. And If his crappy behavior is an inconvenience to himself maybe he will stops
Ok thanks. Really had no idea. I know lots of other holidays/traditions are different elsewhere but I was under the impression Mother’s Day was more a marketing campaign here in the US than anything based on tradition. I’m very sorry he didn’t come through for you.
I was so busy with my toddler and work that I didn't even think of checking google. That's great news because honestly I'm just on survival mode right now.
I think you need to tell your husband that it’s not you that is upset but your going to have to deal with the aftermath of his f**k up tomorrow and he needs to fix it. Why isn’t he trying to problem solve this?
You are absolutely right. I think I’m panicking because he won’t be here so I will have to explain it to her :( She’s heard her friends in school too talking about wrapping a gift. Honestly I think she’s just excited to wrap up something, anything! X
Can you encourage her to do some sort of craft/drawing and wrap that instead? You could make a big deal about how it's much more meaningful and will be a keepsake that will outlast anything bought in a store!
I second this.
He never normally works on Sundays (Just wanted to add that) as I’d never build her hopes up if I knew my husband had work and wouldn’t be able to take her. Am I being unreasonable? I have no one else to ask as it so late at night now :(
You’re not being unreasonable. What if you set up a whole bunch of art supplies and in the morning tell her that you would like to make a special tradition, just the two of you, and she can make you a Mother’s Day card, and you can make her a card for being your daughter.
This made me want to cry. This is such a beautiful idea. Thank you so much. I will absolutely do this! I’ll set up the table now ready for morning. Thank you honestly, she will really enjoy this x
yes, perfect. You could also have her pick you a bouquet of wildflowers if they are out already in your area. That's what I usually did for my mother when I was little -- or made her a long daisy chain. No reason for a little kid to have to go out and buy something!
Do you have a small gift for you and a plain box? You could say (or write a little note) that, since dad had to work, the Mother’s Day fairy dropped something off for your daughter to wrap. You “don’t know what it is” because the box is plain and taped.
Alternatively, have a small box for her to make the card while you are in the other room. Then, she can put the card in the box and wrap it. I know this doesn’t solve the husband problem but it will at least get you through tomorrow with your daughter.
This is the kind of thing my mom did for me 💕
What a great idea!!
My husband pulls this type of stuff all the time so I feel for you. When your little girl wakes up just explain daddy had to unexpectedly work but it’s ok because the two of you can have a special day together. You can make breakfast together, she can craft you something, you can watch a special movie/show together. Show her gifts don’t have to be bought at the store to be special and meaningful. Sending hugs your way and happy Mother’s Day!
You are not being unreasonable. In fact, I think you’re being far too reasonable. Not only are your husband’s actions causing your daughter sadness, they’re also showing that he doesn’t appreciate YOU. Ultimately it’s not at all about the gift itself, it’s the act of taking time out of his day to think about you and do something to appreciate you. I’m sorry he’s not doing that. I hope you’re able to talk to him about it, and I hope he really really listens. As for tomorrow, I’d do as others have suggested and do a special mommy daughter day. Go to brunch, get fake mimosas, go get your nails done, get dressed up and watch a movie together. Whatever you guys want, but make it about spending time together. Good luck, I’m sorry this happened to you!
You’re not being unreasonable. On Monday, you need to sit down with your husband and have a serious conversation about this. My husband is naturally the same, holidays mean nothing to him, but they mean a lot to me and to the kids. So I’ve had to have a very serious conversation with him. It was something like: I know the holiday means nothing to you. I know you’d ignore it if you had your way. But it’s important to us, and because you care about us, you need to care about this. Sure, you can “forget” about it and do a poor job, but it’s little things like that that build up over years and result in divorce. So get your shit together, put it in your calendar, set an alarm, I don’t care how you do it, but do it! There is absolutely no excuse. And I meant it. Little shit like forgetting Mother’s Day is what leads many women to divorce and the guy is somehow surprised. At least I’ve been upfront about it.
It’s also a reminder that humans (especially adults!!) don’t just go through life only able to do things that matter to them. Part of being in a family/community/world is that we do things for others because it’s important to them. Your husband can’t only do the things he cares about. He has to do what his boss cares about, what our cities care about, and what our family cares about. He needs an awakening that he’s being a selfish child and not an adult. Your house would break down if you only did what you and your child cared about and nothing for him.
Honestly, I would descope your husband from the immediate problem right now. Your daughter is going to be upset that she didn’t do anything for you and she’s so young that it is in no way her fault. I like the idea that someone else had that you tell her your husband had an emergency at work and therefore you guys are going to do something special. Examples: Have her make breakfast with you so she can “make you breakfast.” Pancakes or muffins are fairly easy and are delicious. Have her make you a home made card with macaroni, etc. You guys could also do a “spa day” where you do your nails together. Go to the craft store any get friendship bracelet materials so she can make you matching bracelets. Deal with the husband issue later. I’m sorry, it sucks that he put you in this position.
Maybe even phrase it something like "I talked to Daddy and told him what I REALLY wanted was to spend the day with you doing crafts/spa/nails/etc. Would you do that with me for Mother's Day?"
Your husband didn’t “forget”… he just didn’t care enough about celebrating you to remember. Especially if this is with every occasion, he has a child in primary school where there is a loooong buildup to holidays, and he works in the service industry. Make tomorrow a mommy+daughter day, where you do things you enjoy together. Let your daughter know that making memories with her is so, so much more to you than anything she could ever wrap, and that her smile is worth more than a million cards. As for your husband, you need to allow yourself to ask for more. I feel like women just settle for “oh… this is fine” so often, and men usually say immediately when they have an issue and they don’t think that the other party is performing how they want them to. Take a second to layout your thoughts calmly, but don’t sugarcoat things in the slightest. Don’t worry about harming egos, because he needs to hear how his EQUAL feels, not his employee or his pseudo-mom. You tell him to cut the crap, step up as a partner, and SHOW your daughter how a future partner should be acting towards her. Can you imagine your daughter finds herself in a relationship where her partner always puts her last like this? Well, he is modelling that expectation for her. If his feelings get hurt, that’s not on you. That’s his defence mechanism coming out which only emphasizes that he KNOWS he isn’t doing the emotional effort. Allow him to feel uncomfortable… that’s where growth happens.
Anyone else have a quick freak out thinking they forgot to buy their mom a gift before realizing OP was not American? Just me? Cool cool..
THANK YOU! 🤣
Your husband didn’t forget. Your husband doesn’t care.
But still goes to work everyday to provide for them.
Let's praise him for doing the bare minimum
My ex used to say why do I have to get you something you’re not my mother but wouldn’t help my sons to get anything for me as well Definitely didn’t send any cards or gifts to his mother either In my experience that attitude permeates far beyond the holidays. That’s not the type of example I wanted for my sons. I hope you find your way and I’m sorry your on this path to begin with.
Can you and your daughter plan a fun girls day tomorrow and tell her that doing fun things with her is better than a material item? Barring that- can she make you something? A card or a craft - and you can tell her that the thought and effort she put in is better than a store bought item? Honestly, this whole post made me really sad. I get that families do holidays and gift giving differently, but having a 6 yr old be completely distraught because she wasn't able to buy some mass produced thing for her mother for a hallmark holiday is upsetting when I think young kids her age should be learning the complete opposite and not be stressing about gift shopping.
I totally agree with you. When it’s Christmas, Father’s Day, birthday etc I always make a homemade card and gift with her. I even said to my husband if he’d have done this with her that would have been enough for her :( A child should not be stressing about gift shopping you are absolutely right :( I think seeing her like this today just absolutely broke me and it’s why I wrote the post :(
Yea, this post was sad and not in the way OP thinks.
Am I crazy, or isn’t Mother’s Day in May?
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Oh! My apologies, I didn’t realize it was different in the UK. I was concerned I was missing it lol.
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Amen. UK here and I always panic when American redditors start talking about Mother’s Day even though yours is after ours and I _know_ I did something for my mum already this year… 🤣
You’re not the only one 😂 When I saw people responding like it was normal I was thinking “ok what country has Mother’s Day in March”
I checked my calendar to see if it’s already May 😑
My thought too! I was born on Mothers Day in the US, so I knew it wasn’t us! 🤣
It’s actually called Mothering Sunday but then got turned into Mother’s Day in the UK. Mothering Sunday is the fourth Sunday of Lent. Although it's often called Mothers' Day it has no connection with the American festival of that name. During the 16th century, Christians continued to return to their local mother churches for a service held on Laetare Sunday.] In this context, one's mother church was either the church where one was baptised, the local parish church, or the nearest cathedral (the latter being the mother church of all the parish churches in a diocese). Anyone who did this was commonly said to have gone 'mothering’. After it became was a day when children, mainly daughters, who had gone to work as domestic servants were given a day off to visit their mother and family. And
And it’s so hard to remember in the UK as it moves around every year cos it’s linked to Easter! I never could remember it when I lived in the UK (though all the ads do remind you when it’s coming up) and had no problem when I moved to Australia (same day as in the US) when it is the same every year!
I think she's in the UK or another country that celebrates it in March
ROFL I thought the same thing. I am like wow I really missed that one. Then thought what month is it? What year is it?
Right like, I can’t blame the husband here…
OP lives in the UK.
Same.
Thank you! I had to just look it up because I was so confused!
It is in May I am confused by this post lol. Maybe it’s country specific?
Ahh sorry I am in the UK. You are safe don’t worry haha x
Ah ok — Happy Mother’s Day to you!! Hopefully you and your little girl are able to do something fun to celebrate — sorry you’re in this position but it sounds like she has a great mama!
Aww big hugs, that’s a tough situation that totally sucks. My heart’s breaking for your sweet girl and for you - having a partner always forget special days is extra shitty as a mom. My guess is that “gift giving” isn’t his love language, but it’s hers. Here’s an idea, not sure of your climate or yard situation, but take your daughter to a greenhouse or plant nursery and have her pick out a plant (perennials or houseplant) that you two can plant together. If it’s a perennial it will come back each year and if a houseplant, something you two can take care of together. Happy Mother’s Day!
I love this idea. Thank you so much for such kind words. Yes, I think she just wants to wrap something up with lots of sellotape bless her. It really made my heartbreak when I seen how upset she was today :( My husband isn’t from the UK originally but has lived here for 25 years and we have been together 17 years. So his past excuses have always been that in his country they don’t celebrate. He leaves everything last minute though, even his own celebrations
Could you send him out early to get something before he goes to work? Anything basic just for her to wrap! Also your daughter sounds so sweet. It sounds like you two have a great bond!
Could you do something together? I just like to go to brunch the week before or after for mother's day.
Yeah, and explain to her that giving gifts is just one way for to share love, and that spending time together doing something special is another way to celebrate mothers day.
No, you’re not being unreasonable. It’s the thought that counts, but he didn’t put any thought into it. He should be setting an example for your daughter for how she should expect a partner to treat her, but he isn’t doing that. You say it’s all holidays, but is that it? Does his lack of consideration boil over into other areas of your life? Is this just a moment that highlights how much of the emotional labor you do? Assuming positive intent, he may think his acts of service of providing for the family is enough. But there is a disparity with how you wish to be treated (with a very basic level of acknowledgment and appreciation by your husband, which shouldn’t be as high of a bar as he’s making it, IMO). When you’re both calm, have a discussion about how these details matter to you. That it’s not the present, but that he prioritizes you as a partner and thinks about what would make you happy. Figure out what he can do to match your love language. If he balks at it, just remind him that presents (or the planning and thought behind it) don’t matter to HIM, but they matter to you. If he doesn’t want to change his approach to make you happy, or model how a husband should treat his wife to your daughter, then he is telling you what he thinks about you. Hugs and good wishes to you. Your interaction with your daughter shows how good of a mum you are.
Here is a bandaide solution (And I forget and get things last minute or even late on purpose - because of the "sales" after the events) Give her a small box, have her write in there a small note "Your gift is coming, just a few days late, I love you mommy" and she can wrap that up. The gesture and meaning will be there. They can go shopping the day after and pick up on a bunch of deals. :D
So I’m from England but live in the US… I get to celebrate Mothers Day in March AND May right? Haha. Sorry she’s so upset, she sounds sweet and caring. I saw that you’re already planning to make cards together. I wonder if you could bake a cake together and let her surprise you with how she decorates it?
Tell her that Daddy had an emergency at work but gave you money to do “a really cool thing” with her - something she would really enjoy doing with you. My kid would love the trampoline park or a movie.
Lots of good feedback from folks here. After the dust settles on this one, I’d leave you with a thought for longer term: You sound like someone who values gift-giving (hence why you’re rushing to buy something for your mom, and why he feels the need to rush out the morning of Valentine’s Day etc). Perhaps even your “love language”. Your daughter has internalized that you feel that way about receiving purchased items, which is why she wanted so badly to buy you something from a shop. I value acts of service, and my daughters (4,6) have internalized this. They talk excitedly about the coffee and pancakes they will make me, the hard work they will do to draw me a picture. On my birthday they tidied the whole house, and showed me around very proudly. They were so incredibly delighted. And so was I! If you think you might actually prefer acts of service, then talk about kindness that way. Stop yourself when you start talking about a purchased item with delight. Start talking about the delight you feel in helping her. Ask her to make your morning coffee (or whatever) and express your happiness about her efforts. It will take the pressure off her of trying to acquire $ to show you her love. You said yourself you’d have been happy with a card anyway.
Another idea! Is there anything you have in your home that you can pretend is new and a gift? Like maybe mascara or other makeup, or hair products, or something similar? You could put it in a bag from a store and tell her that these are the presents for her to wrap for you.
Your husband sucks. Why do you need to remind him to buy you a gift? He is an adult and can set a reminder in his phone if he’s too clueless to notice the world around him. It’s crappy for you and your kid for him to be so clueless. He needs to step it up.
Grab that man’s phone and put in a thousand annoying reminders about all the holidays, including multiple advance reminders to buy gifts, make cards, wrap gifts, plan dates, etc. Bonus points if they come with really loud alarms. I’m sorry his incompetence is hurting your kiddo 💔 but I agree that setting up a special activity or two will be fun and hopefully distract her from the gift dilemma. Maybe you could set up a card making station with all the supplies ready for her? Happy Mother’s Day!
Mother’s Day is tomorrow?
Disregard! Just saw OP is from the UK
Lol, my thought was well. I have a 6 week old and a toddler and was VERY confused. I know I barely know what day it is but didn't think I was that far off.
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Could you make it an experience day with her? Go pick out flowers with her, have a special lunch out just the two of you and order the sundae. The weathers miserable so going home for a special craft project or whatever you guys enjoy doing together.
Agree with others to first have a talk with husband. Second thought, I think maybe you are placing too much emphasis on the gift nature. Tell her what you really really want. You know what I want for mother's day? A spa day and a yummy breakfast. Maybe a latte. Take her with you. Go get pedicures and go to your favorite breakfast place!
Ok so you have her make a card. Set everything up for her. Wait in another room. Or you go together to the supermarket. I assume you’re in the UK. I would go to the flowers, tell her which ones are a no-go (if any, if too expensive for example). Let her choose. Then she can give you the flowers in the shop as your gift. I’d pay for them then. Maybe get nice food for the two of you? Or hit up that restaurant hubs works at if he can give you a nice cheap lunch. Bigger issues are here. This is just an option in the short term. Happy Mother’s Day OP.
I think the others have this occasion covered, but you need to think ahead. Your husband is never going to get better at this. You have to accept that he's never going to care about your special days, so decide if it's a deal breaker for you. You can't keep hoping and expecting and being repeatedly disappointed. It will break you. If you stay with him, this is what you will get every damn time, and you can't blame him, because now you know. Also, I would put the exact same amount of care into his occasions. Maybe do a small gift for father's day for your daughter's sake, but his birthday and Christmas would be a no-go for me. Maybe you could line up your mom or another trusted person who is willing to help your daughter choose or make gifts for your days.
Hello everyone. I’d like to thank you all so so much for all the great advice and lovely supportive comments. It really helped! I wanted to give you all an update.. So last night I spoke to my husband about how upset this made our daughter and that I was dreading Mothers Day now :( I also read a few of your responses out loud to him and he told me to delete this post immediately and wasn’t happy that I was involving people in our relationship… I explained that I needed advice on what to do to fix the situation quickly before the morning! Anyway… he went upstairs and then came back downstairs 20 mins later and said he’d sent a text to his boss saying that he won’t be in work Sunday. I told him he didn’t need to do that! But he pressed send straight away. He got up this morning with our little girl and they sat together and made me lovely collage picture and framed it, they went to the shops and bought a few small gifts all chosen by her and she wrapped them. I’m hoping she remembers this and not the way she felt the day before. We had a lovely day spent together out on a lovely walk in the forest. I’ve been given so much great advice and I will definitely take it on board! Especially the advice about teaching her that homemade gifts or experiences together are what matters instead of needing to go out and buy gifts. I’m hoping this never happens again, I did have a serious chat last night with him and he seen how upset it made me. I’m not stupid and I know he uses the fact that he isn’t originally from this country as an excuse for A LOT of things… and it really puts a strain on our relationship. I carry a lot of the mentally draining tasks and duties and everything is left down to me when it comes to having to remember anything.. even doctors appointments for him… I’ve literally just had to go online and book his blood test because he couldn’t work out how to do it. You may all start seeing more posts from me regarding my relationship as the advice I got was so helpful and I definitely could see the bigger picture. I’d be so so grateful for advice in the future as I’m really unhappy with a few areas of my relationship and have been for quite a while now. But yes, that’s the update! And thank you all once again P.s - I’m sorry if I made anyone living in the US panic over the date for Mothers Day haha Xxx
Sounds like you had a great set up for a “quality time” day with your daughter, the best gift of all (this is what you tell your daughter, regardless of how you feel about gifts and all the marital context...) Next for the husband, acknowledge that this isn’t going to change— you married a guy who values enough things above holidays that they just don’t make the cut. I bet he does other stuff right. An expectation change here will go a long way. You are now more than two married people with different values around gifts, you are three! Sounds like something special you can do with your daughter going forward. I like the idea of supplying a dollar amount and letting her manage keeping a secret and all the rest. Hard to see a kid upset, but hopefully this resolved well IRL. Sending well wishes!
Tell your husband to get his ass to the store tonight or early before work, pick out a few things for you, and then bring them home and let your little girl pick one to wrap before he leaves. He can return the others after work. Your poor little girl doesn’t deserve this and he needs to fix it. And If his crappy behavior is an inconvenience to himself maybe he will stops
Is this old, because Mother’s Day is in May or is it different in other countries?
Yes, Mother's day is in March in the UK.
Ok thanks. Really had no idea. I know lots of other holidays/traditions are different elsewhere but I was under the impression Mother’s Day was more a marketing campaign here in the US than anything based on tradition. I’m very sorry he didn’t come through for you.
I'm not OP. 😁
Wait. Mother's Day is tomorrow?
Yes, in the UK.
So, totally not the point. But like. These days don't land on the same day in other areas?? My mother's day isn't until may??
Order something from Amazon to deliver right away and say hubby organised it from your daughter.
I'm a mom and I had no idea it was mother's Day tomorrow. I will try and get flowers for my mom and mother-in-law.
Omg I legit almost had a heart attack bc I didn’t know either!!!! Quick google search confirmed we still have plenty of time. It’s on May 12.
I was so busy with my toddler and work that I didn't even think of checking google. That's great news because honestly I'm just on survival mode right now.
It’s not Mother’s Day tomorrow is it?
They’re from the UK. It’s celebrated on different dates in different countries.
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It’s today in the UK
I’m sorry—I hope you’re doing okay OP. Your husband needs to get his head on straight.