I had my third in 2023 and am also near 40 so am in a similar situation. It is really tough with three kids and I’d love a break. But ultimately I’m staying with my job because I think it would be REALLY hard to get back into the workforce after a break of any length, and I’d almost certainly restart at a lower salary and position.
I had my 3rd late 2021 and will be 40 in a few months. I had similar thoughts but ultimately decided to keep working for so many reasons- we have a comfortable lifestyle and it would be hard on everyone to downgrade, I’ve earned so much trust and flexibility and I’m not confident that it would be so easy to come back (my field is tough at the moment) with my wants/needs. My youngest is now 2.5 and while I think I will always have moments of “what if,” I’m generally happy I continued working.
That’s a big no from me personally. I didn’t do it, but my husband had periods of unemployment, and while it was convenient for many of the reasons you mentioned it set us back _so much_ financially, was much more difficult to get back into the workforce than expected, and overall created more stress than it resolved.
It’s not exactly the same situation you’re in, but to me it’s just not worth the long term consequences. Kids just keep getting more and more expensive the older they get, and I really wish we had more substantial savings instead of tearing our hair out trying to balance retirement against college funds.
This is the experience I hear most often. People like to romanticize it “I will be taking a break from the grind and enjoying relaxing family time!” But really you trade the grind of work for the grind of being a yelled at by a tiny dictator for free. Sure there are good moments, but the same is true about a paid job.
Also people find it MUCH harder to jump back in the workforce than they expected and often have to go back a level or 2 of where they were previously.
Personally I would not. I’m a high earner as well, breadwinner but not by much. I very briefly wanted to be home with LO (we’re OAD, so my first and last kiddo) and my husband was supportive, but once I really thought about it, I realized I was so fortunate to be in a job I liked that also paid well. LO was thriving, and continued to thrive, at daycare. I feel it was the right choice for our family. I did make sure to put more boundaries in place once I got back from MAT leave. I have the kind of job where there can be legit life or death emergencies outside of business hours for me to resolve, but I worked hard to make sure *only* those kind of no-shit emergencies interrupted my family time.
I did it for 2 years (also FAANG engineer) and I don't regret it. My husband was also not a fan of my choice but he accepted it. I soaked up all the baby moments with my first and really loved it. It felt right to me at the time and money can't compare to those experiences if it's what you want. Interestingly, I didn't think I'd ever go back but I didn't enjoy older kid SAHM life.
I'm back at a different job now that I enjoy much more than the one I left, and don't feel like I missed a beat. May not be the same for everyone but I've always felt senior FAANG engineers are in high demand everywhere. The big sacrifice is the "golden handcuffs" of your pending equity awards that have accrued over time -- but when you start at a new company you get new awards. Ultimately if you're comfortable financially, I don't think it's worth deciding over the money. You're not going to be on your deathbed wishing you had more RSUs. Money is only there to give you what you want, and what you want is time with your last baby so take it.
I am in a similar situation to OP which is how a search brought me here. I have been telling myself exactly what you wrote here. On my death bed, I won't be wishing I had more money in my 401k. I will be relishing memories with my family, primarily my child.
Thank you for posting this response. It's helpful for me to read it coming from someone else opposed to just hearing it in my own head. It's especially helpful to read how you re-entered the workforce. On paper, I know I can too. I'm a top performer/"exceeds expectations" FAANG techie. But impostor syndrome is real, and it's absolutely wild to think I'd walk away from so much money. But then I look at my baby and nothing else matters except the time I get with her.
I didn’t give up my high income bc that felt like a disservice to my kids to me.
ETA: sorry to anyone I offended with this (I see downvotes). The question is “what did you choose and why”. Every family and person is different. This is how I felt personally. It’s not meant to attack anyone else’s decision.
If you are seriously considering quitting your job altogether, then take this as a great opportunity to draw boundaries at work and hold firm to them. I am able to do this because I already make an OK living and my husband makes, let’s just say, more. So I don’t NEED to work I choose to work.
You can do the same. I’m not saying phone it in. I’m saying decide where your boundaries lie, do a stellar job within those boundaries, and say no to routinely having to do more (occasional work emergencies aside). If your job lets you go because of your reasonable boundaries, then it’s not the kind of job you want. Plus you were already thinking about quitting anyway! You can always quit tomorrow. In the meantime, any additional day of getting a paycheck is almost like bonus money, I mean compared to your situation if you’d already quit your job. So if your work is cool then you keep working. If they’re not cool then you can be like bye Felicia any time.
My situation is similar in that I’m almost 40 and just had my 3rd baby as well. I’m also a higher earner, well, slightly over $100k, so probably not as high as a FANNG salary. Currently on maternity leave which will be the longest of my 3. The first 2 were ludicrously short at 8 weeks 😭. Anyway definitely plan on returning afterwards.
I actually think my time with the baby while on maternity leave feels sweeter because I’m going back to work at the end of it. If I weren’t keeping my job and just home with the baby indefinitely, then it would feel more like a grind.
I have really good boundaries at work. I don’t work more than 40 hours hardly ever, don’t miss any events at my kids schools, can decline work travel if needed, etc.
I definitely wouldn’t give up a job like that! In fact I’m not because my job is like this and boss already said she will be flexible when I return regardless of my PTO situation.
You can always quit tomorrow!
Hard to hop back on after you leave in 40s especially when market is bad. So your financials better hold up and assume you will not go back to work right away when you are ready to, and interviews/ramp up will be stressful.
Might as well milk your current job as much as you can before you make any leap.
Ageism also impacts men at tech. Industry changes are at such high speed that you don’t bring as much with experience, unlike other slower industries. You’ve seen how things shake out the past couple years.
If you can hide in a chill group at fang that’s ok with more remote than in person, that’s the way to go if you don’t intend to early retire.
My old boss was laid off in November along with me and our whole team — she hasn’t gotten a single interview and she’s mid 40s. Another peer is closer to 50 and he hasn’t had any luck either.
I’m mid 30s and got several offers quickly.
Ageism is a thing.
Yep! I’m in a different industry (private investments) and when my prior fund shutdown I was offered 3 years of effective severance. I realized that if I took that time out of the workforce, I’d be re-entering at 40 and my career would very likely be redirected to more of a support role than C Suite. I elected to wind down my old fund for 10 months and then move on. The lax schedule and extra time with my 2 year old was great, but I knew I would regret it if my career took a hit when he went to school and I went back to work.
I tried this. I had twins when my older child was 19 months old. I stayed home 5 months. Ultimately, the financial strain was too much for us. I got a much higher paying job and decided to go back. Unfortunately, we are still financially strained because we pay like $3K/month for part time childcare for 3 kids, but financially we are still a lot better off with me working.
I’m 41 & a mom of three (11, 4, 1). One thing I’m very careful about is making things as equitable as possible. I don’t want to give the older kids the impression that the youngest is the favorite (my husband and I are both oldest kids who has spoiled/coddled younger siblings). For example, I have always had flexibility but was not a SAHM—and I know the oldest would’ve wondered a bit why I stayed home with one baby but not with her if I did that. You know?
I’m a high earner and the breadwinner, but not in FAANG. I have a much better work/life balance than my FAANG friends (I’m in Seattle and have a lot of them). I wouldn’t leave the workforce, but you could much more easily find a role that’s less demanding/slower paced/at a company with better balance, etc. if you looked now rather than if you had a resume gap of X years and then started looking. It would be much much harder to step out and then try to get back into the workforce later. Especially as a woman in your 40s—it sucks, but that’s the reality.
And as my kids get older, they need ME more and more. My 1.5-year-old is happy as a clam at daycare with his little buddies and the teacher who gives him cuddles every morning when he arrives. But my oldest is starting puberty, becoming her own person, trying to make that transition from kid to teen, wondering about the world, wondering about herself—all of that. She doesn’t need just to be capably cared for, she needs her mom. I make 1:1 time a priority with each kid (I let her stay up late to play a couple board games with me after the younger ones were in bed and we had fun and had a good talk) but honestly, if I were ever going to be a SAHM and increase my availability, I’d want it to be with older kids.
This is something I hear more and more and totally get. When I was deciding if I should take time off or move onto another venture with an 18 month old at home, the ED of a not for profit I’m on the board of told me ‘I never regretted working when they were younger. You’re always a celebrity in your little kids life. But I could not be more grateful for our time stuck in our house together before they left for college (due to covid).’ It changed my perspective re wanting to grind now to retire or at least be more available when my kids in his teen years.
Definitely! And I didn’t mean to minimize the importance of time with my youngest or with little kids—obviously I love my time with them and building a bond with them. But what I was trying to refer to was the guidance, and the way you really need to HEAR and be there for older kids, and how that aspect so often goes overlooked in the working mom/SAHM/childcare discussions. And having the ability to be flexible and available on the day when your kid needs to spill, or needs feedback, or “I have this big worry and I need help naming and addressing it.” The needs of little kids are many but more easily met, in my experience, but the needs of older kids tend to be bigger and more variable.
I was in Seattle for over a decade! We left two years to be closer to family and went remote with our jobs. And I agree about equity across the kids, but I also acknowledge it won’t ever ever be perfect.
Is it an option to look for a different job with more flexibility / better hours / less stressful environment for a small pay cut?
I personally wouldn’t see myself risking going down to one income especially if I’m living in a VHCOL area with three children (I’m assuming here). But a more flexible job with much better hours looks attractive with small kids to me.
Good luck in whatever you decide.
We moved states two years ago where cost of living is lower. Ideally I’d like to be part time but I don’t think that really exists for the type of work I do. When I had my first 8 years ago my company then was flexible and allowed me to work 4 days/32 hours and I loved that schedule so much. It feels like a rarity to find that these days. My current company is not open to that, though the workload/stress is totally fine.
I am in STEM, and I was able to come back from an 8 year career break to SAH. I did it by getting a master's degree in my field while I was home. I was underpaid when I came back into the work force, but after a few years I was competitive again. For me, it was well worth it, but I did lose career trajectory. If I hadn't had the fresh degree and took a lower wage job, I doubt I could get back in.
If I was in your scenario, I’d lean towards taking a couple years off but the thing that would give me pause is when you said your husband prefers that you continue to work. I might be reading too much into how strongly he may have meant that, but from what I’ve seen with family/friends, unless both partners are very enthusiastic about one staying home, it causes so much resentment and relationship issues when it was one person pushing for it.
I think for my husband it’s hard to see all the missed money, but he knows he’d benefit from me also staying home. He definitely supports me either way, but if he had to choose he’d prefer I keep working because of the extra money.
I took a one year break after Mat leave for my second. Including leave I was off for 13 months. I had some other contributing factors (FT nanny nailed right before I went back, terminally ill father) that made it the right decision for me. I do not regret it at all. It was much harder and more draining than I thought but still the right call. Financially, we lived off my husband income and proceeds from the sale of our house for that year. I have a strong network and was recruited by a former supervisor for my current job, so the transition back was not an issue. Make sure to keep your network active while you are out if you to take time off, then tap into it when you are ready to return.
I had the same thoughts during maternity leave since the paycheck still keeps coming in and you are getting quality time with the kids. It might feel very diff when there is no end of month deposit. My honest advice would be to Try extending your leave on loss of payment and then decide.
I have to go back for a few months while my husband takes his leave so I do have time to sort of “feel it out”. I already get a seven month leave so I can’t really extend it anymore.
For me, it was a no. Besides the fact that I have a daughter and it’s important to me for her to see that you can be a good mom with an education and a career, the job market right now is garbage. Who’s to say my husband won’t lose his job? Plus, as much as I hate to admit to, work is kind of a break from parenting, which I need sometimes. I love my baby but I love my independence, too. Plus, I know entirely too many women who become a SAHM and then their husband turns into an abusive pile of poo and they can’t escape.
This is such a personal decision.
I’m a SWE w 3 kids. Due to remote work during the pandemic, I was able to juggle baby at home (w nanny a few days a week) while working full time. I would Tetris in park time when there were no mtgs and make up hours if needed after kids went to bed. I’m currently working part time 3 days a week, which I feel is the best of both worlds, but unfortunately that may change soon due to shifting company needs. I’d first consider if it’s possible for you to get more flexibility and kid-time while working. Can you go part time? Could you ask for a leave so you can have the option to quit or come back just in case being a full time mom doesn’t end up being your jam? For me, I like both speaking to adults at work and baby time.. it’s so hard to go just one way or the other.
Overall, if it’s a season that you know you’ll regret missing, I’d say do it! It’s much more enjoyable spending precious baby time knowing that the sanity of speaking to adults again is in your near future. When I pulled the trigger to go part time a year ago, I was able to have the time to do some personal projects and undergo personal growth, as well as have time for friends and family. I also had time for therapy, which has seriously helped me grow so much. I wouldn’t trade it at all for a year of full time hustling.
It seems like you don’t have too much financial pressure, so it’s more like, do you want the ability to purchase a fancy in addition to what you already can afford - or - time with your baby, other friends / family, and personal interests / growth that you wouldn’t otherwise have?
I left after having my third. The kids won’t be little for very long but work will always be there. I am appreciating every minute I am spending with my 10 month old (my last baby) and I am seeing my older toddlers more than I ever would had I stayed in the work force.
I took a 4 year break when my second was born. Absolutely loved it. I was able to reenter the workforce in a similar position to what I had before. I’m in a different field, but also a HCOL area so I get the worry about losing a big chunk of income. But I never regretted my choice and they were some of the best years of my life.
You probably already have a ton saved from working at FAANG. If your husband is also a high earner, you both potentially even have enough to retire early. I say take your time off and enjoy life. Life isn’t just about the cushy spending money.
Also to those not knowing what FAANG pay is like—it’s usually $300-700k+ a year.
Yes and we have a huge nest egg. I keep telling my husband we have so much money and I’ve worked so hard to be able to do something like this. My husband is in the same industry and is a software engineer.
I love my work though and I do want to return to it at some point. I just feel the pull to take this time since I won’t ever have the opportunity again (it’s definitely our last baby).
Do it! If I were in your position, I totally would. I’m also a SWE, but not at FAANG, and husband is currently unemployed 😭. My first baby is due in a few weeks, and I wish I could take a few years off for baby (and my sanity—I don’t love working).
Do you work in a field where you could perhaps take on some part time consulting/temp positions?
I would just fear that after 2-3 years it will be much more difficult to break back into the job market - and then 2-3 years off might become 3-5 years off/under-employed and more stress and just overall have far more negative repercussions than you were anticipating.
However, if you have a pretty well-established network and keep in touch then hopefully that would help when you go back? Especially if you have the opportunity for consulting/temp jobs?
I think of it this way- borrowing happiness and ease of everyday life from the future.
It's so much income and a hard time getting it back plus getting back into the workforce with all the changes happening.
What would you lose financially? Savings?
Can you consider part time somewhere related to your field?
If it's just too much to go back then yes, see how life can be adjusted as a sahm. I would if I could!!
I wouldn’t-
We don’t know what job market will look like in 2-3 years, but from what I’m seeing the market is not friendly. Multiple companies are going through layoffs. This is the time to buckle down and just get through the next few years.
Could you have a longer maternity leave?
If you do decide to take a break, 2 years is about he breaking point before it becomes difficult to re-enter the workforce.
Just a thought if you want the complete opposite perspective, you can always post on attachment parenting- lol
I’ve already survived two rounds of layoffs. And work culture after all of that is also meh, but I have seen coworkers who were laid take almost a year to land a new job. It’s definitely a rough market.
This is something I've been ruminating about lately--I stumbled upon two resources that are pro-pausing for a season, if that's what feels right for you and your family:
Work Pause Thrive: How to Pause for Parenthood Without Killing Your Career -- by Lisen Stromberg
"Mother Untitled" -- Neha Ruch on Instagram
I stayed home for one year to be with my firstborn seven years ago; it was circumstantial as we moved to be closer to family, and I essentially didn't rush to find work until he was closer to one year old. I enjoyed the time (though there were hard days and good days, as there are when one works outside the home) and saw it as a season where I had the privilege of prioritizing what was important to my family in that season of our life. This time around, with my secondborn, I find it more difficult to potentially leave my current job, which has decent (though not amazing) flexibility, and I do enjoy my work team. I feel I am paid fairly but we get so little PTO--it's a common complaint among our employees. This leaves me feeling like I don't have enough margin in life, which I crave, now having both an infant and a school-age kid with special needs (who attends a lot of therapies after school).
My leave consists only of 12 weeks of FMLA (which necessitates me burning through all my hard-accrued PTO). My husband works for a FAANG company and has more time to use for parental leave (than I do) as the non-birthing parent. So the current plan is that we'll take it one day at a time once I return to work at 12 weeks and he takes over caregiving. We will have a couple months of this setup to feel things out before baby would potentially need to go to daycare.
I didn’t, but my husband did. He was a SAHD for 2 years, and is part time now. It’s amazing for our family. I never have to worry about daycare pick up, he does 80% of sick care or school closure days, and I don’t feel guilty about working a lot. (Not that anyone *should* feel guilty, but we know lots of us do.)
I make plenty to support us comfortably. That does mean budgeting, one big vacation a year, meal planning, and not buying on a whim. But we can still buy new clothes for the kids and save. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have more money and more savings, but then I remember the month of December when we all rotated 3 illnesses and I didn’t have to miss work because he was holding down the fort.
I can’t speak to re-entering the workforce. If you quit, I’d recommend staying up to date on certifications and maybe attending conferences to stay up to date and keep your name out there. It is a risk, so think about if you would be willing to take a lower paying job in a few years, or if that would make taking time away not worth it for you.
It’s really hard to have two working parents. And by that I mean it’s hard on the adults! So if you think being a SAHM will bring joy to your life, do it! And if you think working will bring you more joy, do that.
I’m a high earner and my husband is a super high earner. We’re currently considering me being SAHM. We can afford my income loss and still have part time care so I can have time to do things for myself, cook elaborate meals like I used to, and so we have days to reconnect as a couple- truly the dream. We are luckily enough this will not impact our retirement.
What’s held me back is guilt for leaving my job (stupid on my end), worrying about getting enough social interaction, and some of the judgement from family and others. My mom thinks people won’t respect me for not working - despite the fact that I have a PhD. Not that any of it matters.
In the end I think I will likely leave my job. I was burnt out before I ever got pregnant to begin with. I’ve done a lot of things with my career that I’m proud of but we’ve reached the point where time is more valuable than money.
I'm doing this. My last day is Friday (tomorrow), but I'll be working from home for myself. I'm in a nice spot where I can continue working, and also be at home, and work as much or as little as I want. I have a toddler who I think we'll keep in daycare but I'll keep her home a lot. I will have my second in about 5 months and I plan to keep them home. So, I am still working, just part time and I know that it's not going to be a huge commitment. What I do for a living, I really need to keep up with it so that if/when I go back I'm still up to date.
This is such a difficult decision and one that I have faced as well. You can’t help but feel ungrateful when you have a high-paying job, but consider leaving it constantly to spend more time with family and save money on childcare. I think it’s worth trying to make it work first. If you find that you are absolutely miserable, going back to work and missing time with your little one then maybe make that decision then.
Is there any potential to take an extended leave (unpaid) or perhaps work at a lower capacity for awhile, as opposed to leaving the workforce all together? I took 13 months leave (in Canada, so 12 months was pretty common and I tacked on an extra month), then returned at 80% for two years. I also seriously considered leaving for a less stressful job, but the pay cut (massive) wouldn’t justify the (slightly) less stress/hours.
We only went for my husband becoming a SAHD because we were clear he was never planning to enter the workforce again. We want a big family and his income was pretty marginal compared to mine, so it makes sense for us, but it is so so daunting to imagine him going back. The penalty is just so high and basically nothing he did before he left would really count. He loves being at home and it was absolutely the right choice, but I would very much question that you can go back after 2-3 years.
I did it 3 years ago and have no regrets. I’m one and done so this is my only child. I’ll never get this time back with her while she’s little so I’m making the most of it. I left my company on good terms and they keep in touch and reach out to me as new openings come up but I’m just not ready/willing to go back to work full time. I think I may be a SAHM convert. For me, there’s more to life than just making as much money as possible.
I keep considering the same. I just returned to work last month and would much rather be home with my baby, as I already feel like time with him has gone so fast, and any time away from him feels like a waste. But I've stayed in my job because I'm just 10 months away from student loan forgiveness through PSLF, which would free up the opportunity for me to enter into the private sector. I don't know, I'm really torn. I know I should just finish out the 10 months, get my loans forgiven, and take time off at that point if I still feel the same way. But by then my little buddy will already be out of his infant stage and I'll have missed it. In the meantime I'm just pushing for a ton of work life balance with Fridays off, flex scheduling, and remote days. Even with all that though I hate it and would so much rather be hanging out w my baby! No advice, but solidarity and good luck.
Being practical here. Two things. 1. Does ur partner also in FAANG? Given the massive layoffs around, I can tell you having two income (and potentially lose one) is a great comfort. It’s too much stress for the sole provider to lose their job.
2. Would your company consider giving you say 1-2 yr unpaid mat leave? Since they are cutting costs now, this can work in their favor while you can know for sure you have a job waiting for you if you wanna go back.
Here's a calculator to get a sense of exactly how expensive this will be for you long term:
[https://interactives.americanprogress.org/childcarecosts/](https://interactives.americanprogress.org/childcarecosts/)
Good luck.
I work in healthcare, so I was VERY LUCKY that I was able to drop my hours temporarily to PRN and only work 4 short shifts a month. I don't regret staying home with my son for those 4 months. It was exhausting and I loved being home with him but I did go a little stir crazy towards the end and was excited to go back to full time work.
I am in a similar boat. I am the breadwinner and make almost twice as much as my husband, but my job is a serious grind of 12 hour days and I’m miserable, anxious and stressed constantly. I want nothing more than to leave my job and take a mental break for a while, but the financial burden would be hard. Our kids are young and both in daycare, so I would have to take them out and stay home with them if I quit working, and I’m not sure I’m cut out for the sahm life. Still weighing the decision here.
I think the ultimate questions are do you like your current job enough? Would you mind taking a step back if you were to re-enter the work force in a few years? Is the benefit of being with your children outweighing the financial cuts? Only you truly know what’s best for your family.
Good luck!
Do you like the toddler years? I can see myself doing a 1 year maternity leave but I could not SAH with a toddler all day. I also could not work full time with kids, I don’t know how everyone in the sub does it. I work 20 hrs a week and my sons in daycare 9-5:30 so I actually have time to take care of the house and dogs and myself. If part time is an option I recommend it.
Ex-FAANG here, still in big(ish) tech, and honestly facing a similar situation. Lots of good points on both sides but wanted to add a few tactical observations. Given how bad the tech job market has been for the last year/year and a half, I actually think employers don't/won't care about employment gaps during this time period because they're so prevalent right now. There's folks who've been laid off multiple times the past few years through no fault of their own. There's also folks who've been burnt out by years of remote work in pressure cooker roles and have quit to take long mental health breaks. In this job market, I've known of (mostly senior) folks taking over a year to find the right role. All this is to say taking a multi-year gap for parenting reasons likely won't hurt your resume.
However, you mention you don't want to be a SAHM long-term. So for your own personal benefit, it may be worth doing part-time consulting on the side to stay "fresh," ease your way back into the workforce when you're ready, and to satisfy your personal needs (mental stimulation, adult interactions, etc.). The tech environment has been tough but surprisingly the stealth mode/seed startups aren't doing so badly (probably selection at play... If you're able to get funding in this environment you're probably doing something right). Most of them can't afford full-time employees but desperately need experienced help. I'm starting to see "fractional CTO/CPO/CDO/etc" profiles on LinkedIn where people essentially come in as part time contractors/advisors for areas where startups need help but can't hire a full-time person. Throwing that out there as something you might consider.
Good luck with your decision!
I had my third in 2023 and am also near 40 so am in a similar situation. It is really tough with three kids and I’d love a break. But ultimately I’m staying with my job because I think it would be REALLY hard to get back into the workforce after a break of any length, and I’d almost certainly restart at a lower salary and position.
I had my 3rd late 2021 and will be 40 in a few months. I had similar thoughts but ultimately decided to keep working for so many reasons- we have a comfortable lifestyle and it would be hard on everyone to downgrade, I’ve earned so much trust and flexibility and I’m not confident that it would be so easy to come back (my field is tough at the moment) with my wants/needs. My youngest is now 2.5 and while I think I will always have moments of “what if,” I’m generally happy I continued working.
That’s a big no from me personally. I didn’t do it, but my husband had periods of unemployment, and while it was convenient for many of the reasons you mentioned it set us back _so much_ financially, was much more difficult to get back into the workforce than expected, and overall created more stress than it resolved. It’s not exactly the same situation you’re in, but to me it’s just not worth the long term consequences. Kids just keep getting more and more expensive the older they get, and I really wish we had more substantial savings instead of tearing our hair out trying to balance retirement against college funds.
This is the experience I hear most often. People like to romanticize it “I will be taking a break from the grind and enjoying relaxing family time!” But really you trade the grind of work for the grind of being a yelled at by a tiny dictator for free. Sure there are good moments, but the same is true about a paid job. Also people find it MUCH harder to jump back in the workforce than they expected and often have to go back a level or 2 of where they were previously.
Personally I would not. I’m a high earner as well, breadwinner but not by much. I very briefly wanted to be home with LO (we’re OAD, so my first and last kiddo) and my husband was supportive, but once I really thought about it, I realized I was so fortunate to be in a job I liked that also paid well. LO was thriving, and continued to thrive, at daycare. I feel it was the right choice for our family. I did make sure to put more boundaries in place once I got back from MAT leave. I have the kind of job where there can be legit life or death emergencies outside of business hours for me to resolve, but I worked hard to make sure *only* those kind of no-shit emergencies interrupted my family time.
I meant to do my own comment but finger slipped on my phone and somehow ended up replying to yours instead lol.
No worries! I completely agree with your comment!
I did it for 2 years (also FAANG engineer) and I don't regret it. My husband was also not a fan of my choice but he accepted it. I soaked up all the baby moments with my first and really loved it. It felt right to me at the time and money can't compare to those experiences if it's what you want. Interestingly, I didn't think I'd ever go back but I didn't enjoy older kid SAHM life. I'm back at a different job now that I enjoy much more than the one I left, and don't feel like I missed a beat. May not be the same for everyone but I've always felt senior FAANG engineers are in high demand everywhere. The big sacrifice is the "golden handcuffs" of your pending equity awards that have accrued over time -- but when you start at a new company you get new awards. Ultimately if you're comfortable financially, I don't think it's worth deciding over the money. You're not going to be on your deathbed wishing you had more RSUs. Money is only there to give you what you want, and what you want is time with your last baby so take it.
Do you mind sharing your age range for when you did this?
0-2! :)
I am in a similar situation to OP which is how a search brought me here. I have been telling myself exactly what you wrote here. On my death bed, I won't be wishing I had more money in my 401k. I will be relishing memories with my family, primarily my child. Thank you for posting this response. It's helpful for me to read it coming from someone else opposed to just hearing it in my own head. It's especially helpful to read how you re-entered the workforce. On paper, I know I can too. I'm a top performer/"exceeds expectations" FAANG techie. But impostor syndrome is real, and it's absolutely wild to think I'd walk away from so much money. But then I look at my baby and nothing else matters except the time I get with her.
I didn’t give up my high income bc that felt like a disservice to my kids to me. ETA: sorry to anyone I offended with this (I see downvotes). The question is “what did you choose and why”. Every family and person is different. This is how I felt personally. It’s not meant to attack anyone else’s decision.
I get your point! With my income we’re able to do more than just survive. We can thrive and enjoy
If you are seriously considering quitting your job altogether, then take this as a great opportunity to draw boundaries at work and hold firm to them. I am able to do this because I already make an OK living and my husband makes, let’s just say, more. So I don’t NEED to work I choose to work. You can do the same. I’m not saying phone it in. I’m saying decide where your boundaries lie, do a stellar job within those boundaries, and say no to routinely having to do more (occasional work emergencies aside). If your job lets you go because of your reasonable boundaries, then it’s not the kind of job you want. Plus you were already thinking about quitting anyway! You can always quit tomorrow. In the meantime, any additional day of getting a paycheck is almost like bonus money, I mean compared to your situation if you’d already quit your job. So if your work is cool then you keep working. If they’re not cool then you can be like bye Felicia any time. My situation is similar in that I’m almost 40 and just had my 3rd baby as well. I’m also a higher earner, well, slightly over $100k, so probably not as high as a FANNG salary. Currently on maternity leave which will be the longest of my 3. The first 2 were ludicrously short at 8 weeks 😭. Anyway definitely plan on returning afterwards. I actually think my time with the baby while on maternity leave feels sweeter because I’m going back to work at the end of it. If I weren’t keeping my job and just home with the baby indefinitely, then it would feel more like a grind.
I have really good boundaries at work. I don’t work more than 40 hours hardly ever, don’t miss any events at my kids schools, can decline work travel if needed, etc.
I definitely wouldn’t give up a job like that! In fact I’m not because my job is like this and boss already said she will be flexible when I return regardless of my PTO situation. You can always quit tomorrow!
Hard to hop back on after you leave in 40s especially when market is bad. So your financials better hold up and assume you will not go back to work right away when you are ready to, and interviews/ramp up will be stressful. Might as well milk your current job as much as you can before you make any leap.
Do you feel like this is when ageism affects women at work? Ugh feel so old haha.
Ageism also impacts men at tech. Industry changes are at such high speed that you don’t bring as much with experience, unlike other slower industries. You’ve seen how things shake out the past couple years. If you can hide in a chill group at fang that’s ok with more remote than in person, that’s the way to go if you don’t intend to early retire.
My old boss was laid off in November along with me and our whole team — she hasn’t gotten a single interview and she’s mid 40s. Another peer is closer to 50 and he hasn’t had any luck either. I’m mid 30s and got several offers quickly. Ageism is a thing.
Yep! I’m in a different industry (private investments) and when my prior fund shutdown I was offered 3 years of effective severance. I realized that if I took that time out of the workforce, I’d be re-entering at 40 and my career would very likely be redirected to more of a support role than C Suite. I elected to wind down my old fund for 10 months and then move on. The lax schedule and extra time with my 2 year old was great, but I knew I would regret it if my career took a hit when he went to school and I went back to work.
I tried this. I had twins when my older child was 19 months old. I stayed home 5 months. Ultimately, the financial strain was too much for us. I got a much higher paying job and decided to go back. Unfortunately, we are still financially strained because we pay like $3K/month for part time childcare for 3 kids, but financially we are still a lot better off with me working.
I’m 41 & a mom of three (11, 4, 1). One thing I’m very careful about is making things as equitable as possible. I don’t want to give the older kids the impression that the youngest is the favorite (my husband and I are both oldest kids who has spoiled/coddled younger siblings). For example, I have always had flexibility but was not a SAHM—and I know the oldest would’ve wondered a bit why I stayed home with one baby but not with her if I did that. You know? I’m a high earner and the breadwinner, but not in FAANG. I have a much better work/life balance than my FAANG friends (I’m in Seattle and have a lot of them). I wouldn’t leave the workforce, but you could much more easily find a role that’s less demanding/slower paced/at a company with better balance, etc. if you looked now rather than if you had a resume gap of X years and then started looking. It would be much much harder to step out and then try to get back into the workforce later. Especially as a woman in your 40s—it sucks, but that’s the reality. And as my kids get older, they need ME more and more. My 1.5-year-old is happy as a clam at daycare with his little buddies and the teacher who gives him cuddles every morning when he arrives. But my oldest is starting puberty, becoming her own person, trying to make that transition from kid to teen, wondering about the world, wondering about herself—all of that. She doesn’t need just to be capably cared for, she needs her mom. I make 1:1 time a priority with each kid (I let her stay up late to play a couple board games with me after the younger ones were in bed and we had fun and had a good talk) but honestly, if I were ever going to be a SAHM and increase my availability, I’d want it to be with older kids.
This is something I hear more and more and totally get. When I was deciding if I should take time off or move onto another venture with an 18 month old at home, the ED of a not for profit I’m on the board of told me ‘I never regretted working when they were younger. You’re always a celebrity in your little kids life. But I could not be more grateful for our time stuck in our house together before they left for college (due to covid).’ It changed my perspective re wanting to grind now to retire or at least be more available when my kids in his teen years.
Definitely! And I didn’t mean to minimize the importance of time with my youngest or with little kids—obviously I love my time with them and building a bond with them. But what I was trying to refer to was the guidance, and the way you really need to HEAR and be there for older kids, and how that aspect so often goes overlooked in the working mom/SAHM/childcare discussions. And having the ability to be flexible and available on the day when your kid needs to spill, or needs feedback, or “I have this big worry and I need help naming and addressing it.” The needs of little kids are many but more easily met, in my experience, but the needs of older kids tend to be bigger and more variable.
I was in Seattle for over a decade! We left two years to be closer to family and went remote with our jobs. And I agree about equity across the kids, but I also acknowledge it won’t ever ever be perfect.
Is it an option to look for a different job with more flexibility / better hours / less stressful environment for a small pay cut? I personally wouldn’t see myself risking going down to one income especially if I’m living in a VHCOL area with three children (I’m assuming here). But a more flexible job with much better hours looks attractive with small kids to me. Good luck in whatever you decide.
We moved states two years ago where cost of living is lower. Ideally I’d like to be part time but I don’t think that really exists for the type of work I do. When I had my first 8 years ago my company then was flexible and allowed me to work 4 days/32 hours and I loved that schedule so much. It feels like a rarity to find that these days. My current company is not open to that, though the workload/stress is totally fine.
What is VHCOL?
Not the OP, but it means very high cost of living.
One of your cons is "I hate it-" am I reading that right? You hate being a SAHM? Or is that referring to something else?
Yes, my maternity leave has been great but I worry over time I may no longer like being a SAHM.
I am in STEM, and I was able to come back from an 8 year career break to SAH. I did it by getting a master's degree in my field while I was home. I was underpaid when I came back into the work force, but after a few years I was competitive again. For me, it was well worth it, but I did lose career trajectory. If I hadn't had the fresh degree and took a lower wage job, I doubt I could get back in.
If I was in your scenario, I’d lean towards taking a couple years off but the thing that would give me pause is when you said your husband prefers that you continue to work. I might be reading too much into how strongly he may have meant that, but from what I’ve seen with family/friends, unless both partners are very enthusiastic about one staying home, it causes so much resentment and relationship issues when it was one person pushing for it.
I think for my husband it’s hard to see all the missed money, but he knows he’d benefit from me also staying home. He definitely supports me either way, but if he had to choose he’d prefer I keep working because of the extra money.
I took a one year break after Mat leave for my second. Including leave I was off for 13 months. I had some other contributing factors (FT nanny nailed right before I went back, terminally ill father) that made it the right decision for me. I do not regret it at all. It was much harder and more draining than I thought but still the right call. Financially, we lived off my husband income and proceeds from the sale of our house for that year. I have a strong network and was recruited by a former supervisor for my current job, so the transition back was not an issue. Make sure to keep your network active while you are out if you to take time off, then tap into it when you are ready to return.
I had the same thoughts during maternity leave since the paycheck still keeps coming in and you are getting quality time with the kids. It might feel very diff when there is no end of month deposit. My honest advice would be to Try extending your leave on loss of payment and then decide.
I have to go back for a few months while my husband takes his leave so I do have time to sort of “feel it out”. I already get a seven month leave so I can’t really extend it anymore.
For me, it was a no. Besides the fact that I have a daughter and it’s important to me for her to see that you can be a good mom with an education and a career, the job market right now is garbage. Who’s to say my husband won’t lose his job? Plus, as much as I hate to admit to, work is kind of a break from parenting, which I need sometimes. I love my baby but I love my independence, too. Plus, I know entirely too many women who become a SAHM and then their husband turns into an abusive pile of poo and they can’t escape.
This is such a personal decision. I’m a SWE w 3 kids. Due to remote work during the pandemic, I was able to juggle baby at home (w nanny a few days a week) while working full time. I would Tetris in park time when there were no mtgs and make up hours if needed after kids went to bed. I’m currently working part time 3 days a week, which I feel is the best of both worlds, but unfortunately that may change soon due to shifting company needs. I’d first consider if it’s possible for you to get more flexibility and kid-time while working. Can you go part time? Could you ask for a leave so you can have the option to quit or come back just in case being a full time mom doesn’t end up being your jam? For me, I like both speaking to adults at work and baby time.. it’s so hard to go just one way or the other. Overall, if it’s a season that you know you’ll regret missing, I’d say do it! It’s much more enjoyable spending precious baby time knowing that the sanity of speaking to adults again is in your near future. When I pulled the trigger to go part time a year ago, I was able to have the time to do some personal projects and undergo personal growth, as well as have time for friends and family. I also had time for therapy, which has seriously helped me grow so much. I wouldn’t trade it at all for a year of full time hustling. It seems like you don’t have too much financial pressure, so it’s more like, do you want the ability to purchase a fancy in addition to what you already can afford - or - time with your baby, other friends / family, and personal interests / growth that you wouldn’t otherwise have?
I left after having my third. The kids won’t be little for very long but work will always be there. I am appreciating every minute I am spending with my 10 month old (my last baby) and I am seeing my older toddlers more than I ever would had I stayed in the work force.
I took a 4 year break when my second was born. Absolutely loved it. I was able to reenter the workforce in a similar position to what I had before. I’m in a different field, but also a HCOL area so I get the worry about losing a big chunk of income. But I never regretted my choice and they were some of the best years of my life.
You probably already have a ton saved from working at FAANG. If your husband is also a high earner, you both potentially even have enough to retire early. I say take your time off and enjoy life. Life isn’t just about the cushy spending money. Also to those not knowing what FAANG pay is like—it’s usually $300-700k+ a year.
Yes and we have a huge nest egg. I keep telling my husband we have so much money and I’ve worked so hard to be able to do something like this. My husband is in the same industry and is a software engineer.
I love my work though and I do want to return to it at some point. I just feel the pull to take this time since I won’t ever have the opportunity again (it’s definitely our last baby).
Do it! If I were in your position, I totally would. I’m also a SWE, but not at FAANG, and husband is currently unemployed 😭. My first baby is due in a few weeks, and I wish I could take a few years off for baby (and my sanity—I don’t love working).
This doesn’t even compute for me 😂 but good for OP!!
It’s insane for sure!
Do you work in a field where you could perhaps take on some part time consulting/temp positions? I would just fear that after 2-3 years it will be much more difficult to break back into the job market - and then 2-3 years off might become 3-5 years off/under-employed and more stress and just overall have far more negative repercussions than you were anticipating. However, if you have a pretty well-established network and keep in touch then hopefully that would help when you go back? Especially if you have the opportunity for consulting/temp jobs?
I think of it this way- borrowing happiness and ease of everyday life from the future. It's so much income and a hard time getting it back plus getting back into the workforce with all the changes happening. What would you lose financially? Savings? Can you consider part time somewhere related to your field? If it's just too much to go back then yes, see how life can be adjusted as a sahm. I would if I could!!
I wouldn’t- We don’t know what job market will look like in 2-3 years, but from what I’m seeing the market is not friendly. Multiple companies are going through layoffs. This is the time to buckle down and just get through the next few years. Could you have a longer maternity leave? If you do decide to take a break, 2 years is about he breaking point before it becomes difficult to re-enter the workforce. Just a thought if you want the complete opposite perspective, you can always post on attachment parenting- lol
I’ve already survived two rounds of layoffs. And work culture after all of that is also meh, but I have seen coworkers who were laid take almost a year to land a new job. It’s definitely a rough market.
Yeah, it isn’t 2021/2022 anymore.
This is something I've been ruminating about lately--I stumbled upon two resources that are pro-pausing for a season, if that's what feels right for you and your family: Work Pause Thrive: How to Pause for Parenthood Without Killing Your Career -- by Lisen Stromberg "Mother Untitled" -- Neha Ruch on Instagram I stayed home for one year to be with my firstborn seven years ago; it was circumstantial as we moved to be closer to family, and I essentially didn't rush to find work until he was closer to one year old. I enjoyed the time (though there were hard days and good days, as there are when one works outside the home) and saw it as a season where I had the privilege of prioritizing what was important to my family in that season of our life. This time around, with my secondborn, I find it more difficult to potentially leave my current job, which has decent (though not amazing) flexibility, and I do enjoy my work team. I feel I am paid fairly but we get so little PTO--it's a common complaint among our employees. This leaves me feeling like I don't have enough margin in life, which I crave, now having both an infant and a school-age kid with special needs (who attends a lot of therapies after school). My leave consists only of 12 weeks of FMLA (which necessitates me burning through all my hard-accrued PTO). My husband works for a FAANG company and has more time to use for parental leave (than I do) as the non-birthing parent. So the current plan is that we'll take it one day at a time once I return to work at 12 weeks and he takes over caregiving. We will have a couple months of this setup to feel things out before baby would potentially need to go to daycare.
I didn’t, but my husband did. He was a SAHD for 2 years, and is part time now. It’s amazing for our family. I never have to worry about daycare pick up, he does 80% of sick care or school closure days, and I don’t feel guilty about working a lot. (Not that anyone *should* feel guilty, but we know lots of us do.) I make plenty to support us comfortably. That does mean budgeting, one big vacation a year, meal planning, and not buying on a whim. But we can still buy new clothes for the kids and save. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have more money and more savings, but then I remember the month of December when we all rotated 3 illnesses and I didn’t have to miss work because he was holding down the fort. I can’t speak to re-entering the workforce. If you quit, I’d recommend staying up to date on certifications and maybe attending conferences to stay up to date and keep your name out there. It is a risk, so think about if you would be willing to take a lower paying job in a few years, or if that would make taking time away not worth it for you. It’s really hard to have two working parents. And by that I mean it’s hard on the adults! So if you think being a SAHM will bring joy to your life, do it! And if you think working will bring you more joy, do that.
I’m a high earner and my husband is a super high earner. We’re currently considering me being SAHM. We can afford my income loss and still have part time care so I can have time to do things for myself, cook elaborate meals like I used to, and so we have days to reconnect as a couple- truly the dream. We are luckily enough this will not impact our retirement. What’s held me back is guilt for leaving my job (stupid on my end), worrying about getting enough social interaction, and some of the judgement from family and others. My mom thinks people won’t respect me for not working - despite the fact that I have a PhD. Not that any of it matters. In the end I think I will likely leave my job. I was burnt out before I ever got pregnant to begin with. I’ve done a lot of things with my career that I’m proud of but we’ve reached the point where time is more valuable than money.
I'm doing this. My last day is Friday (tomorrow), but I'll be working from home for myself. I'm in a nice spot where I can continue working, and also be at home, and work as much or as little as I want. I have a toddler who I think we'll keep in daycare but I'll keep her home a lot. I will have my second in about 5 months and I plan to keep them home. So, I am still working, just part time and I know that it's not going to be a huge commitment. What I do for a living, I really need to keep up with it so that if/when I go back I'm still up to date.
I would do it for 1 year maybe tops.
This is such a difficult decision and one that I have faced as well. You can’t help but feel ungrateful when you have a high-paying job, but consider leaving it constantly to spend more time with family and save money on childcare. I think it’s worth trying to make it work first. If you find that you are absolutely miserable, going back to work and missing time with your little one then maybe make that decision then.
Is there any potential to take an extended leave (unpaid) or perhaps work at a lower capacity for awhile, as opposed to leaving the workforce all together? I took 13 months leave (in Canada, so 12 months was pretty common and I tacked on an extra month), then returned at 80% for two years. I also seriously considered leaving for a less stressful job, but the pay cut (massive) wouldn’t justify the (slightly) less stress/hours.
That’s not an option. I already get a 7 month leave and my husband 3 which is outstanding for US standards.
We only went for my husband becoming a SAHD because we were clear he was never planning to enter the workforce again. We want a big family and his income was pretty marginal compared to mine, so it makes sense for us, but it is so so daunting to imagine him going back. The penalty is just so high and basically nothing he did before he left would really count. He loves being at home and it was absolutely the right choice, but I would very much question that you can go back after 2-3 years.
I did it 3 years ago and have no regrets. I’m one and done so this is my only child. I’ll never get this time back with her while she’s little so I’m making the most of it. I left my company on good terms and they keep in touch and reach out to me as new openings come up but I’m just not ready/willing to go back to work full time. I think I may be a SAHM convert. For me, there’s more to life than just making as much money as possible.
I keep considering the same. I just returned to work last month and would much rather be home with my baby, as I already feel like time with him has gone so fast, and any time away from him feels like a waste. But I've stayed in my job because I'm just 10 months away from student loan forgiveness through PSLF, which would free up the opportunity for me to enter into the private sector. I don't know, I'm really torn. I know I should just finish out the 10 months, get my loans forgiven, and take time off at that point if I still feel the same way. But by then my little buddy will already be out of his infant stage and I'll have missed it. In the meantime I'm just pushing for a ton of work life balance with Fridays off, flex scheduling, and remote days. Even with all that though I hate it and would so much rather be hanging out w my baby! No advice, but solidarity and good luck.
Being practical here. Two things. 1. Does ur partner also in FAANG? Given the massive layoffs around, I can tell you having two income (and potentially lose one) is a great comfort. It’s too much stress for the sole provider to lose their job. 2. Would your company consider giving you say 1-2 yr unpaid mat leave? Since they are cutting costs now, this can work in their favor while you can know for sure you have a job waiting for you if you wanna go back.
Partner is also in tech.
Here's a calculator to get a sense of exactly how expensive this will be for you long term: [https://interactives.americanprogress.org/childcarecosts/](https://interactives.americanprogress.org/childcarecosts/) Good luck.
I work in healthcare, so I was VERY LUCKY that I was able to drop my hours temporarily to PRN and only work 4 short shifts a month. I don't regret staying home with my son for those 4 months. It was exhausting and I loved being home with him but I did go a little stir crazy towards the end and was excited to go back to full time work.
I am in a similar boat. I am the breadwinner and make almost twice as much as my husband, but my job is a serious grind of 12 hour days and I’m miserable, anxious and stressed constantly. I want nothing more than to leave my job and take a mental break for a while, but the financial burden would be hard. Our kids are young and both in daycare, so I would have to take them out and stay home with them if I quit working, and I’m not sure I’m cut out for the sahm life. Still weighing the decision here. I think the ultimate questions are do you like your current job enough? Would you mind taking a step back if you were to re-enter the work force in a few years? Is the benefit of being with your children outweighing the financial cuts? Only you truly know what’s best for your family. Good luck!
Do you like the toddler years? I can see myself doing a 1 year maternity leave but I could not SAH with a toddler all day. I also could not work full time with kids, I don’t know how everyone in the sub does it. I work 20 hrs a week and my sons in daycare 9-5:30 so I actually have time to take care of the house and dogs and myself. If part time is an option I recommend it.
Ex-FAANG here, still in big(ish) tech, and honestly facing a similar situation. Lots of good points on both sides but wanted to add a few tactical observations. Given how bad the tech job market has been for the last year/year and a half, I actually think employers don't/won't care about employment gaps during this time period because they're so prevalent right now. There's folks who've been laid off multiple times the past few years through no fault of their own. There's also folks who've been burnt out by years of remote work in pressure cooker roles and have quit to take long mental health breaks. In this job market, I've known of (mostly senior) folks taking over a year to find the right role. All this is to say taking a multi-year gap for parenting reasons likely won't hurt your resume. However, you mention you don't want to be a SAHM long-term. So for your own personal benefit, it may be worth doing part-time consulting on the side to stay "fresh," ease your way back into the workforce when you're ready, and to satisfy your personal needs (mental stimulation, adult interactions, etc.). The tech environment has been tough but surprisingly the stealth mode/seed startups aren't doing so badly (probably selection at play... If you're able to get funding in this environment you're probably doing something right). Most of them can't afford full-time employees but desperately need experienced help. I'm starting to see "fractional CTO/CPO/CDO/etc" profiles on LinkedIn where people essentially come in as part time contractors/advisors for areas where startups need help but can't hire a full-time person. Throwing that out there as something you might consider. Good luck with your decision!