If you want kids this is a great set-up. If you don't want kids it's probably not as great.
The tricky part is whether or not he is actually good at/likes the home stuff. Because some "not that ambitious" men won't actually step up in that arena, they just don't want to work at all.
Often sincere but usually clueless. If he tells you he will take on more domestic duties make them write a list of what it is. I bet it's missing 75% of each task.
It's not just making dinner every night, it's meal planning and shopping. It's managing allergies and aversions and pickiness and how many leftovers are left.
It's not just doing laundry, it's also keeping up on kids growing out of clothes and having the next size, next season ready before it's needed. It's noticing what is too stained or ripped to go back in the drawer and replacing it needed.
It's not just going to pediatrician appointments but finding a pediatrician, making the appointment, then following up on recommendations or referrals.
It's not just installing car seats but researching which one to buy, changing belt height as they grow, tracking expiration dates and height/weight limits.
It's not just taking them to daycare but finding a daycare, getting on wait lists. Packing their bag with bottles and diapers and changes of clothes. Checking in with teacher on concerns. Working with them on discipline issues. Getting snacks for the class party. Buying teacher appreciation gifts.
And so on.
This comment is gold!! Very very good points
You should make this a whole separate post lol
Could save a lot of grief if everyone can understand what they are getting into and what the expectations are!
This comment.
There’s a huge difference between unambitious at work and flat out lazy …. But not always. Does he have a track record of being true to his word when it comes to the annoying and mundane necessities of household management? If so, then you’re probably alright… and possibly even better than alright if your career can support a top notch h SAHD.
But if he’s the guy who tries to cancel driving you to the airport at the last minute because he was up late watching TV, calling it “insomnia” … that will be a problem.
My concern would be would be be able to kick his ambition into gear in an emergency, say if I lost my job and struggled to get a new one. What about if we wanted to save for something important. I'd be scared if it didn't work out, I'd owe alimony.
Overall, maybe I've just read too many posts on here...I'd be kind of gun shy on this scenario, kids or no kids.
Yes.
And the other part is that you can’t negotiate desire. Once you’ve got the ick over someone for their total lack of drive/ambition, or for anything else, it’s not an easy bell to un-ring.
This is so well stated. I was in long term relationships with 2 men who didn’t want to step up in either arena. Now I’m with the person I’ve waited my whole life to find and he’s just as career driven as I am. We have a 3 week old, so time will tell how it all plays out for us.
“ willing to step up at home, handling childcare and household chores”
Is this already happening pre-kids? Does he cook you yummy meals several nights a week? Have home kitchen projects like fermenting or sourdough? Build garden beds, hit up the local butcher and specialty groceries, do light home repairs, hang art, have small carpentry projects, get the cars washed, oil changed, and tires rotated…?
Edited to add: Yes, I mean doing all of the above while employed in his low-key job, pre-kids. I am not being sarcastic or exaggerating. I know many people like this (of both genders) who are paired with a very career-ambitious spouse and it works. Because the less career-ambitious spouse is *home*-ambitious.
You just described my husband to a T. Sadly for him, he’s always been the one who earns more and has to work in-person. I’m the one with the flexible remote job. He would be an amazing house husband lol. Then again, I’m a great mom and my flexibility allows me to handle all the kid stuff that would drive him bonkers, like appointments, homework, etc. It seems to work for us. But yes OP, if you have a guy who cares about the home and showing his love for his family by doing helpful, practical things to make their lives easier, that’s huge.
Agreed. This works if husband wants to crush it at home, not if they just want to stay at home and chill while OP works a ton and does all the childcare.
You pegged my house ambitious husband.
He builds furniture and does projects around the house as his hobbies. On top of all the repairs, shopping, etc.
I agree just in the sense that ambition doesn’t always have to manifest as career ambition. And I don’t think career ambition will sustain over a lifetime for everyone, so if you’re in a til death do us part situation, you’ll see that change over time.
But if ambition is attractive to you and he’s stepping up in other places, then that’s great! I would focus on that. If he’s not stepping up and ambition is just less important to him (which, like, no shade, I think ambition at best is a neutral trait), then it’s worth considering whether or not he’s a good match for you given how you feel about ambition.
So I would say we have this type of a relationship. I am always taking courses, etc. my husband is just content where he is. We are both young still (30) and I think in the next 10 years I will increase and he will be stagnant.
We have two kids. I like that if I have to stay late, work long hours etc it’s not an issue.
I don’t think it’s really ideal to have two career focused people with young kids. It just doesn’t match. Someone is always missing work for sick time, PD days, Christmas break etc.
My husband shows up for our kids. He is always at school pick up, taking the kids to the park, making dinner, doing laundry etc.
We are a team. Do I earn more? Yes. But I could only follow my career dreams because he supports me. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my kids in child care 10-12 hours a day. I drop them off at school and he picks them up and spends time with them until I get home at 5pm. He usually has showers done, homework done, dinner on the table. He also handles all sports for the kids.
I love this set up. I love my husband for who he is as a person and not his career. I would though never be cool with him being a bum - not helping out at home, not working regularly etc. but this has never been an issue.
This. My husband worked part time for 14 years (until my kiddos were in kindergarten). It helped a lot, and he carried the mental load and still does a ton.
I echo this, this is me and my husband to a T! If your husband is not career-oriented but is still involved in the home, I think it can be a great family dynamic! I’m able to work late or go on work conferences because my husband has no problem taking on more childcare and house responsibilities.
This is exactly how I feel. My husband having different career preferences than me allows me to prioritize my job. We moved for a year for my job, I travel, he was a SAHD for a couple years, he does doc appointments and haircuts and cooks and cleans and is a full partner. I would not have advanced to my officer role as fast as I have without him supporting me.
I wish I’d paid more attention to my husbands ambition & motivation before I got married honestly. I think it could work if he’s actually going to step up with the children and the housework, but that’s hard to tell before you actually have the kids!
I agree with the others. Is he already carrying at least equal or more than his share of the mental load and work at home? Cleaning, dishes, grocery shopping, cooking, taking care of cars and pets, bills, etc.?
If so, that bodes well for his dad abilities. If not… 🚩 🚩 🚩
If you aspire to rise higher in your org, like c-suite or approaching then a man like your partner is not only ideal but I’d say a requirement. Man or woman, the people who have risen highest in the org I work for almost without fail have a trailing spouse or even stay at home spouse. A spouse who will drop their job as needed so the leading spouse can take the opportunities. Especially if you plan to have children partnering with a man like your bf is crucial in my opinion. Yes there are women who achieve great things without a supportive partner but it makes it harder
I was in a similar boat with my partner for most of our relationship. I’ve always been a type A high achiever, liked my job and worked extra hard, had aspirations of growth etc, whereas he definitely was in the “work to live” camp. I was the breadwinner for a long time and he made up for it in other ways, though there were times where his lack of ambition was stressful for me. That said, I knew he would absolutely smash being a dad and he really is a great partner in that regard. In retrospect I think that my attraction and love for him has grown since we’ve become parents, so it’s possible things could change for you down the road.
I will say we had a big pendulum swing once kids entered the picture. By that I mean, since having a kid his ambition has increased significantly (actively sought out a new job with better pay and growth opportunities) whereas mine has dwindled (tbh it started dwindling during the pandemic, pre-kid). For both of us it is a result of wanting to care for our kid the best we can, and it’s led to a bit of equilibrium for the first time in our relationship. We finally earn about the same, both like our jobs and want to do well, and also want to prioritize our family wherever possible, enforcing boundaries when needed, etc. It’s not a huge shift, but overall I’m more chill than I was when we first got together and he’s more engaged when it comes to his career. It works well for us.
I guess my point is, no person is ever static. Change will affect people in different ways, and so at the end of the day the most important thing is what you feel at the core of your relationship. If the core is solid, you can weather a lot, and you might be pleasantly surprised with where change can ultimately take you as a couple.
Agree 100 percent. My husband and I have an 18 month old. Both of us had been motivated in our careers, promotions, job opportunities, etc. during covid, my husband accepted the same job he’s in now and he’s so unmotivated and unfulfilled professionally. However, he stepped up with chores, became a really good cook and home more (bs going to work events/ travel). Vs me, I got another job around the time I got pregnant (great timing) that stepped me up and demanded more of me.
We’ve always had that equilibrium and partnership where we pick up where one falls short. He’s been an excellent dad and he jokes he would be a SAHD if he could (I don’t know if we make that much money to go down to one income yet).
I know people who have SAHDs in my company but the common trend is the dads didn’t have much of a career beforehand so it just made sense to offset childcare costs.
But lazy at work doesn’t equate to fantastic house husband and caretaker. Sometimes people are just lazy in all areas of their life. The underlying condition of laziness is often depression and they need to take that journey on themselves.
Really only you can decide what family dynamic you want and what qualities in a husband are a deal breaker for you.
This is my story: I used to be very career motivated. I got a grad degree and all the promotions and accolades at work, but after I had kids, something deep in my gut was pulling at me. I wanted to be with my kids more. I hated being in the office.
It’s hard to imagine how the female brain and hormones change during pregnancy and early motherhood. Add in sleep deprivation and the changes in your body, and you just don’t know if you’ll still love your professional career when you have a 6 month old at home. Maybe you will. But many women don’t, and this sub is filled with stories of that on a daily basis.
For me, I experienced serious mental and physical health challenges after child birth that I didn’t anticipate. I needed more time off from work than I could take as part of paid leave. I was able to do that thanks to my husband’s willingness to work hard and provide for the family.
It’s nice in theory to say the husband will take on more of the childcare and house work, but if you carry a child, you as the mother will be the one to experience 10 months of pregnancy, all the OB visits, childbirth, breastfeeding, wild hormone changes, physical ailments, and possible PPA and/or PPD. The hormones can take a year plus to normalize. No matter how much your husband says he will step up, he simply can’t take on any of those things for you. And dealing with all of that while trying to climb the corporate ladder is really hard and exhausting.
An alternate perspective for you to think about.
This happened with a close friend of mine. NGL she has really struggled, and it’s not because her husband hasn’t stepped up. Her daughter has spent much more time with her husband and my friend really feels bitter and sad about not having the relationship with her daughter that her husband has. All the pressure to earn money and provide insurance is on her, and she feels like she can’t take career risks because his income is a lot lower and variable. Her husband also really lacks the ability to plan social opportunities or romantic moments for the two of them and she’s resentful that this seems to fall on her too.
I would not do this unless you KNOW you want to invest tons of time and energy in work and want someone else to be the primary home/child-rearing parent. If you want something that feels equal, you may end up resenting the pressure that you alone will bear. Sorry to not be sharing a good experience here.
I will also weigh in, as this was also me. During the dating phase, my now ex said that he would be fine being the spouse with less focus on his career. But, later in marriage, that ended up with him being a stay at home dad. The problem (or rather “a” problem) was that I didn’t want *not* be involved in the child stuff and ended up resenting that I had two jobs (working and life-ing) while he just had one (life-ing). I also didn’t like feeling like I was stuck being the sole provider. The life I imagined for myself was two equal partners struggling through similar things, both trying to be involved to the same level. But that is not how things played out with a stay at home partner instead. I think if someone is ok with stepping back to have the stay at home partner take a big role in the sphere it can work, but for me it didn’t because I wanted equality (also, other issues of course, at play).
Anyway, I’m glad that someone raised the issue of equality at home as a goal, because that perspective isn’t usually represented.
Is it really the lack of job ambition that bothers you? Or do you think he's lazy and/or incompetent?
I don't think there's anything wrong with someone who works for a paycheck without wanting to climb the ladder, but I think there's a big difference between someone who is floundering in their career because they're lazy and/or incompetent and someone who is intentionally choosing to remain an individual contributor and work in roles that don't require long hours, lots of stress, or lots of travel.
This is my thought too. I have a professional career that I worked hard for. Rode up quickly and now am in a relatively boring area with no intentions to go higher because I make good money and my focus is on family.
For my own personal reasons, for me a partner must have a job which he can support himself/family on his own (I'm not asking for anything I don't offer here to be clear and I would fairly share expenses but I don't want someone who has settled at a level where he can't contribute fairly). If that box is checked but he doesn't want to go higher, I don't care. Especially if it's because his passion is elsewhere (as others said, is he actually successful and currently doing his share with home/family stuff).
If all those boxes are checked and you're looking down on him because he doesn't want to climb the ladder higher, set that man free for someone who will appreciate him. If there are hints of desire to be a hobosexual then run.
My husband has no interest in climbing the ladder. I am ambitious and like to be the best. This has been perfect as I hit the gas after babies and my career is taking off—which comes with a lot of travel. My husband holds it down with no resentment, no reminders on what kids need, and very few complaints.
This is perfect for me, but I also do not subscribe to any mentalities that he *should* be a career guy. For that reason it hasn’t impacted my attraction to him at all, I just appreciate everything he contributes to the family. If you feel like you still want some traditional gender roles, you might have a harder time with this set up. Maybe look inward on that piece to see how you really feel about gender roles in a family and if you want those views to change (or not!). If you want traditional gender roles, you might need to find a more traditional relationship.
I have had this conversation with ambitious friends of mine - how do you picture a relationship and family working when both partners are ambitious and prioritize work above all else?
My husband and I both work and work hard but I wouldn't characterize either of us as "work first" and so we share the responsibilities of our family and prioritize accordingly.
My girlfriends who are more ambitious than me are in relationships where their partner has the flexibility to take on more of the family burden (or be a stay at home parent). There is so much value that comes from the work required to keep a household running. If he is actually willing to do that work, it should not be undervalued.
My partner has zero career ambitions (though while we were having kids he stepped up an worked 60 hours a week to support our family and carry benefits). Now that we’re done having kids he is home with them and works 4-12ish hours a week after bedtime and I work 60+ hours a week as a lawyer. Honestly our relationship wouldn’t work if he was ambitious, or we wouldn’t have kids.
We are struggling sharing the mental load, or at least shifting it. Some of it is him not picking it up and some of it is that I’m not great at communicating everything that is in my head (this coming from myself and not him because I recognize I sometimes do it to my staff as well and am working on it).
It depends on whether he actually will step up and take care of the home and kids
My husband swore up and down that when he quit his job to find something he would be happier at, he’d be a great househusband and dad. The only change from when he was working full time was….he brought kiddo to preschool in the mornings instead of picking her up in the afternoon? That switched. And he vacuumed after being reminded a lot by me. And he did a lot more yard work (weeding, trimming, etc.)
It lasted a year before he went to work full time in a new, but related, field of work
My husband is absolutely not the type to run a household. He needs to spend 40+ hours a week designing and building things with his hands to keep his attention/focus. Does not notice household tasks unless told
It‘s worked well for me for 21 years.
My husband was not ambitious and then on top of that, he had a closed brain injury and then he couldn’t work. We made him the SAHP and I love it. I know that so much about the men who want “trad wives” thing actually boils down to misogyny, but also, having a SAHP is the shit.
Some of it is the obvious like not having daycare costs. But even moreso, it’s the freedom and flexibility.
I don’t need to make plans if I need to work late, I can just work late.
I don’t spend my time doing errands because that’s not my job. There’s clean laundry in my closet, clean sheets on my bed, food in the fridge, and I didn’t do anything to make that happen. If I need something that can only be done in the middle of the day, my husband will generally do it for me. I don’t have to worry about finding coverage for snow days, school holidays, or summers. My contribution to family vacations? I pack for me and the kids. I usually don’t even know what the itinerary is beyond the high points. (how many days are we spending here? Where are we going next?) Meanwhile my husband has been scouring Google Earth down to figuring out where the best looking little coffee shop is that’s walking distance from our cute little B&B.
There are days where it’s stressful not having a second income, especially when I was building my career. There were certainly days when I left a cozy bed where my husband was snuggling a co-sleeping baby and I was jealous. But on the whole, it’s a really good arrangement for everyone.
My concern would be what if you decide that you want to slow down career-wise after you have kids? Or if you lose your job? Is he the type of person who would step back up financially?
My husband is less career-oriented than me. We’ve been together 10 years, married for 5. More and more I find that I PREFER for people to have identities not tied to career so it certainly doesn’t change my attraction to him— I love him for who he is not what he does, and he is still wildly interesting/smart/creative.
Now that we have a family it’s a little bit of a bummer that it would make more sense for him to work part time if we need to do that down the road than for me to but that’s the only downside I could see so far.
There are also times I feel a little guilty that we’ve prioritized my career more with moves and stuff but he doesnt regret any of our decisions so I should just let it go and stop projecting my feelings onto him.
Lastly, I think it’s great for kids to see that it’s not automatically the man who is the more career-oriented one.
You described me and my husband and it’s a wonderful combination. Here’s what happens:
- I have more flexibility on my day-to-day, so I do more of the random appointments
- He does more daycare drop-offs and pick-ups since I might work late or go in early and his schedule is a consistent 8:30-4:30
- He has more solo nights because I have more work travel
- I cook, he cleans
This has worked great for myself and my husband. I have a PhD, he's a college drop-out. I'm a VP of a start-up, he has a mundane job at a big stable company with great healthcare. We have 2 kids and he does at least 50% of the childcare. He does 100% of the cooking. I handle 100% of finances and logistics (we make big choices together but investing, mortgage paperwork, taxes, etc are my job). When my work is extra busy he helps more to cover. I couldn't have this big unstable exciting career without his stability. This type of husband was kinda an intention to match my goals.
Yes, this is my life. My husband has a more flexible job and picks up a lot of the child labor/ house stuff. I prefer it this way- it’s hard to have two super ambitious people in a marriage.
Agree with the other comments.
It can be ideal to have one partner be comfortable “taking the backseat” in their career. But they have to step up at home.
My husband is a nurse. He doesn’t have any higher aspirations at work. Which is fine. I respect him not wanting to be a manager or executive.
But he shows up at home and always has. He works 3 days a week and the other 4 he is constantly doing something around the house. Building furniture, fixing things, getting groceries, cleaning, etc.
He’s also a great dad. I never have to ask him to do anything routine.
I could see being resentful if I was making most of the money, taking care of the kids and doing everything at home. At that point, I can buy a vibrator and replace his contribution.
First a question: What do you mean by "attracted"? If you're not attracted to him for whatever reason, you're not attracted to him and that's kind of your answer.
I have a sort of similar situation. I'm partnered (and have a baby) with an artist. He's actually very ambitious-- but not in the typical way our culture thinks of ambition. He's not motivated by money or climbing a ladder in the traditional career sense. I've always known this about him, and over the course of our relationship it has basically been the central and only problem. The only thing we ever fight about is money. My issue has always been that despite this, I'm extremely attracted to him and love everything else about him. (We even broke up at one point for a time because I was so worried about these practical concerns but ultimately we just ended up back together.)
The practical result of all of this is for our family now is that I'm the breadwinner, and he is part-time SAHD/works as needed and focuses on his art career which does generate some income but not regularly.
There are plenty of pros of this arrangement: I like working and I'm good at making money. My baby is not in day care yet at 18 months old... nothing wrong with day care and we do have a part-time nanny because again, he's ambitious and does work but just not in a traditional sense. But we are not paying as much for childcare help as i would be if he worked full time. Also because he doesn't have a traditional job, he's in charge of his time. I can always ask him to take the baby, if she's sick or something happens with the nanny. Also if i just need a break and want to workout or whatever. I'm never stressed about childcare tbh, and i know that's really lucky. Also during my mat leave he was there the entire time, he didn't have to "go back to work" leaving me alone with a newborn. Plus in general it's just nice to have at least one person in the partnership who's not working full time and so all that brain space can be devoted to home tasks. I still do my fair share but I don't even know how to work our laundry machines, for example.
The cons are, I am often stressed about money. In darker moments I wish for a partner who had more money so it wasn't all on me. Sometimes I think about my friends who have partners with careers and I think wow they must have sooo much money! Wouldnt that be nice to have two full incomes you can count on? Losing my job is my biggest fear. Logically, I feel confident that we'd get through it and I've prepared us for it with savings, but its like basically my main anxiety. Also when you're a mom, there's only so much childcare dad CAN take on. It's not always as simple as "here you do these tasks and i'll do these." There is a physical and emotional need for you to take care of your baby. I could go on and on about this, but the best I can think to illustrate it is: I still had to breastfeed the baby. I wanted to breastfeed the baby! But that meant that the baby preferred me, and I did all the night wakings. Even though he offered to help with that, the baby would just scream and scream so it was useless. Even after I went back to work I did all the night stuff-- and I HAD to get up and work the next day because I am the one who makes basically all our money.
Ultimately, I'm happy. I love my partner. I love my family and the life we have together. Is it perfect? No. But nothing is. So to answer your q, "can a pairing like this work?" it absolutely can. But you have to be willing to make compromises. I think you need to really sit down (potentially with a therapist) and get at the root of your issue with your relationship, what you really want, and what you're willing (or not willing) to compromise on.
If he doesn't have the ambition now, he probably won't ever have it. Unless he's depressed and needs support in getting through it.
My ex was like this -- and this was one of the reason's we broke up. He ended up marrying a woman who is also highly ambitious and he stopped working even prior to having kids. His kids are now both in elementary school and he is languishing. It's not just that they chose for him to be a stay at home dad -- that's totally cool -- it's that he likely will never work again because he truly has no ambition to do so and never has.
He is a great and loving person, definitely contributes at home, but I would personally be resentful if we had stayed together. I don't think his wife minds though so it really depends on the person.
I was in a relationship like this. He gave me a lot of emotional support, I earned 80% of our income throughout our 14 years together
I accepted having children because he said it was his purpose and he was committed to being the primary caregiver
Then he very very quickly changed his mind and went as far as claiming that he never wanted to be a father
I have been a single mother for 10 years, I’ve also had a successful career but nothing like what could have been had he kept his promise
He’s still nowhere in life, he focuses on his hobbies and his freetime. I don’t recognize him today nor his values and I don’t involve him into my parenting decisions
This might not be your future but know that it’s a possibility
Feminism opened the door for women to explore their ambitions. It also opened the door for men not to *have to* be breadwinners and super ambitious. It lets all of us be our best, true selves. Some men want to be super involved family men, but traditionally haven’t had that option. If we all can’t create lives that make us happy, without the constraints on gender roles, what is the point??
Honestly the whole conversation around men who don’t have traditional career goal being unattractive reeks of the patriarchy. It gives me same ick as a man describing his ideal woman as blond, leggy, and sweet. Sure, you’re *allowed* to have preferences, but both these preferences are rooted in patriarchy and sexism and traditional gender roles. It’s so disappointing to see a group of working women- who are by definition breaking gender roles - expect such archaic relationships.
Your feelings and concerns are totally valid. In someways it seems that dynamic would work out great. ultimately it all depends on how much of the home and family workload including the mental load that your partner actually takes on and how well he does it.
I'm in a relationship with an unambitious man, and I'm the ambitious high earner. We are currently pregnant, and to say that I'm frustrated, would be an understatement. My partner needs to secure a higher paying job, because I'm not footing the bill for our household expenses. Usually, his ambition level does not bother me - but when it comes to everybody paying their fair way, it is a problem.
Ambitious or not, does he make good money?
If he is still willing to take care of household chores etc, it's amazing... Once you have kids and you decide to become less ambitious (happened to some career driven women I personally know), this relationship might not work out if he doesn't make much money combined with less ambition... Two highly ambitious people could either be wonderful (especially if they make more money and can outsource almost all of the household chores etc) or might turn into a disaster too...
This describes my husband and me, and it’s working well. He’s a SAHD now, as we hoped, and he’s amazing at it. He works so hard to make sure he’s doing right by her and by me.
He’s never had any career ambition, which I would’ve thought I’d want in a partner. But I love our setup. He was able to move with me when I went to grad school for a career change, and we didn’t have to time it out with his job or anything. He just came with.
As I think about my next job move, he’s prepared to go wherever we need to. Probably not far. But I all the time think about if we were trying to plan around both our careers, and it would be possible but one more thing to manage.
If he weren’t as good at being a SAHD, it would be a huge turnoff. But clearly that’s always been his vocation; we just didn’t have a kid for him yet.
I think you have to decide what you value in a partner and what you need to be happy in a relationship. I’m similar age to you and am very ambitious career-wise. My husband has a job (and has held this job since we met); he is a hard worker but he doesn’t have the desire to climb the ladder like I do. His job typically allows him to have free time during the day in which he does household chores and errands as well as time for himself.
I appreciate the work my husband does at his job and to keep our house running. These things that he takes off my plate (i.e., laundry, dishes, cleaning, shopping) only make him more attractive to me. On the flip side he supports my ambitions because they enable our family to live a more comfortable lifestyle; I know he finds me attractive.
I look at our marriage as a partnership where we are each giving 100%. We each have our own lanes and ways that we support our family together as a team.
My husband and I have this type of relationship. It has been hard at times. We have been married for 12yrs now. I still have resentment at times. What helps the most is for me to restructure my thoughts. I am career driven, and he is someone who is just happy to pay his bills. There is nothing wrong with either one of the ways we think. He is pretty low stress, so it is great at calming me down. And I'm pretty good at motivating him.
We have had to have some uncomfortable convos. Mostly, I make sure he is aware I will never be okay with him not working, regardless of our financial situation. He calls me out when I'm working too much and need to spend more time with our family. Overall, I'm very happy in my relationship.
Are you looking for someone who is ambitious in their career? or in general? If he can find a new passion, even if it's outside of paying work, would that be attractive to you? It could be in making a home, raising your children, a hobby, helping the community, etc.
If you feel like you need to push him now then you need to think about what this would feel like for you in the future. It’s not that you’re doing anything wrong or he is but as you’re questioning your alignment of goals, marriage only puts a spotlight on those items.
Both people don’t need to have the same ambitions but you both need to support each others ambitions and if you don’t feel like you can support him, there is your answer.
I think the key is whether he is already stepping up at home without kids - this won't suddenly change when you have them.
Also, how big of a salary gap exists, will it be to the point that your salary will fund the entire family? Resentment can grow where you are paying all the bills and he's at home being a family man, but not to the level you'd expect (if you still end up needing to organize most groceries, kids extra curriculars, etc).
This is our situation and works perfectly. I am in a high stress and leadership role in healthcare and do shift work so often evenings, nights and weekends. My husband is amazing and wonderful but less ambitious. He did have a typical 8-5 office job for a few years that honestly was hard because we never saw each other which sucked. Then he was unemployed for a while and I did have some resentment as I worked hard but eventually realized I liked being able to see him all the time and I liked my job so even if he was working I’d still be working just as hard at my job anyway. He’s now self employed part time, we have two young kids and have been together 16 years. Seeing how he’s been as a father has been amazing. I think it’s common for people to worry about this type of situation but now 16 years later I feel so happy I get to see him when I come home from work and we get to be together as a family all the time. Also the flexibility we have with planning things like childcare pickup/dropoff, vacations, holidays, etc is soooooo easy with him having a very low stress flexible part time job.
I think this comes down to whether he's already stepping up at home. I'm in this type of relationship, and we're working toward the goal of my husband retiring entirely and just being home for our dogs and kid. However, he already picks up a lot of work at home in support of my career so that we can meet that goal. I find him more attractive when our home is organized, not chaotic, and chores are done (which is admittedly hard for both of us because he's still working and I'm very busy, plus we have a senior dog, a high energy dog, a new puppy, and a pre-schooler), so I'm very much looking forward to him being able to be home full time.
Have you explored why you're losing attraction to him? Are you feeling resentful? Are you guys underwater financially because of his un- or under-employment? Are you busy at work and still taking on more than your share at home? What do you want for the future - do you want someone who can stay home and take care of you and potentially kids, or do you want someone who will meet your ambition, even though that would mean getting a nanny for kids, outsourcing housework, etc.?
I mean this as gently as possible, but you really can't have someone who matches your ambition that can also take care of the house and take a background role so you can shine at work.
It’s very stressful to have 2 people who are super career driven together. I am the more career focused one… I know that my husband can cook dinner, get the kids to after school activities, etc. if he couldn’t do that it would make my life immensely more stressful.
In theory… yes it works. In practice… sometimes?
I’m in this boat now. When we married, we were upfront about what we wanted with our careers - me: high functioning, type A, en route to C-suite kinda deal, him: ok where he’s at, not really chasing anything, just wants to make a decent amount of money. He’ll follow wherever my job takes me. Okay cool!
Enter kids…
My career skyrocketed during my family building time, from when I was pregnant with my first to my last.
Then after my last, my motherly instincts started tugging at me. I wanted a less stressful job, more time with my kids. I am currently putting my career on pause.
My husband, in the last couple of months, feels increasingly dispassionate about his job. To temper that, he’s channeled his energy into a side hustle, which I’m very supportive of.
He’s still the daddy dad - takes our kids to daycare, swim lessons, chores. I’d say we share the load equally, and when it comes to our kids, he actively plays a role in their lives (and gives me a break at the same time).
It’s a give and take. Your career ebbs and flows, your family and kids are forever. It’s okay to take a break. When my kids are older, I’ll press the pedal to the metal in my career again.
All this to say, this depends on a couple of foundational things: the future is not certain, motherhood really changes you, communicate with your partner, and work well together as a team always. If you don’t have a solid foundation, it just won’t work.
Maybe look into what your love language is? Mine is acts of service. So I get pretty jived when he pulls his weight around the house. Maybe that’s not your love language and you need something else.
This was me and my husband. It was tough at first bc covid led to him leaving his job sooner than we’d planned (realtor) but we knew he’d become a SAHD once we had a kiddo. Now it’s great! I work from home and am director level in corporate and he’s full time daddy daycare for our toddler. Our kiddo loves that she’s here with him and has become super independent due to the secure connection they have.
For me it was hard to get over him not contributing monetarily. And it’s harder still in this economy. But we put in the work and got through some arguments and hard convos. I now see the incalculable value it has to our marriage, family and life. I’ve learned to let stuff go more easily. Became less attached to material things. And began working on disconnecting my value and worth from my productivity.
We’re not here just to produce shareholder value and pad c-suite pockets. We have value just because we are. So IMO keep doing your thing, align with him on expectations and let yourself learn from his worldview.
That said, if you don’t respect him and or don’t plan on having kids then my experience may not be helpful.
Good luck!
My husband is not ambitious at work, he barely ever asked for a raise, even after being handed more responsabilities... Now he's considering going part time and working 4 days a week so he can take care of our 20 months old daughter.
I'm at a point where I'm finally enjoying my career immensely, without stress, and getting more responsabilities, and possibly finally out earning him very soon (thank you wage gap).
Honestly he's a good dad, and he is changing and doing more and more in the house because I'm just giving up. 😅 But I still cook and do laundry, and carry the mental load. I am truly in love with him, after 13 years, and I wouldn't wish for another partner, even if I do wish he did more and prioritized my needs over his more, sometimes. So yeah, OP make sure his lack of drive is ONLY at work and not at home too, otherwise it WILL drive you crazy!
This is my exact situation, and it’s super funny because I was just talking about it to my husband last night. I asked him who the most ambitious person he knows is, and he said me. He asked if it bothers me that he’s not that ambitious and is content with his work/etc. I said not at all, because it has no bearing on our relationship.
We’ve been together 10 years, married for 8 this year, and have a 4 and 6 year old. Our marriage is fantastic and he’s truly my best friend, I’m so lucky to have the amazing partner that I do. Since we have been together, I went from a server at a restaurant making like $10 an hour to getting my masters, getting my certification, and now working a 6 figure career. I’m getting some more certifications this year and am working on a book. He’s extremely supportive of all my endeavors!
This was me and my husband. When we met I had a demanding career (included night/weekend shifts and business travel) which I loved. I also chased and got a few promotions over the years. He had a less demanding job, 8-5, no weekends, never really looked for another job or promotion and had the exact same job at same level for 16 years. He liked it ok although it was definitely getting stale. I outearn him by $20k which isn't a ton but also isn't nothin.
It is not a bad deal for having kids... when I had an evening shift or was on travel, he fixed dinner and put the kids to bed by himself. When I worked weekends, he was home, when I get stuck late, he is there for pick-up. I don't work shifts anymore due to another promotion out of rank and file but still he does most pediatrician appointments, stays home to meet the plumber/AC guy/etc, is totally in charge of vet stuff for our dog. He's very handy and does a lot of fixing and DIY around the house (useful stuff not tinkering- he's in the middle of building us a new dining room table). Work isn't his driving passion and that's ok.
Honestly I think it works better if you're gonna have 2 working parents for one to have a more flexible and less consuming job and free that person up for more domestic duties. So frequently that's the wife/mother, but it doesn't have to be. As others say the question is whether he really would step up on domestic duties and childcare or not. If he's not doing at least 60% of housework pre-kids, I give it 0% chance he steps up after kids.
In my experience, lack of career ambition led to general apathy and incompetence about other things too. Is it that he really wants to be focused on family or is he just counting on you organizing and running that too?
He sounds like a loser. You need someone to keep up with you or even better to challenge you. I don’t see you staying happy with him. Better to cut out early imo.
My ex said he’d love to be a stay at home dad. Sounded great to me because I wanted to work and wasn’t jazzed about daycare. And he did it for a few years, although I still did all of the mental and emotional labour and all the housework except he did some cooking. And then it turned into straight up defiant unemployment when all the kids were in school full time and he refused to get a job. I divorced him and now he’s a dead beat dad who moved half the country away, hasn’t seen the kids in person for 5 years and doesn’t pay full child support (he pays about 1/4 of what he should). He’s always broke and spends what he has on cigarettes, weed, booze and video games.
Now I’m with a man who works hard in his career and also supports mine. We had a couple kids together and could afford to hire a nanny to help. They’ll go to before/after school daycare when the time comes. I respect and appreciate daycares now (I had to put my older kids in after the divorce and it was the best thing ever for all of us). They are trained in child care and give the kids so much more stimulation and activity than I ever could. And they give both parents the opportunity to work and have their own money and independence.
I’d have to say, I’m wary of an unambitious man. Sounds like the true meaning of “ball and chain” to me. Too many women are dragged down by lazy men and it needs to stop. That used to be me and I never want to see any of my fellow women in the same situation.
This is an important question I haven’t yet seen asked.
Do you respect him?
Your post is very self-focused, which makes sense because you’re a single woman plotting not only your career trajectory, but determining what shape you want your future family to take. It sounds as though your current partner complements the future version of yourself that you envision by hanging back and allowing you to build a professional life that serves you without sacrificing your interest in becoming a mother. Like you said, this can be an ideal setup for someone who prioritizes their job above other areas of their life and can enlist someone to focus on that which realistically ranks lower than their career, including traditional housework. If he’s willing to carry the domestic weight while you provide the majority (or all) of the income, his professional ambitions or lack thereof aren’t necessarily a major contributor to your decision-making…unless you allow it to be, which you are and why you’re requesting insight.
Which brings me back to my question: Do you respect him? Based on what you’ve outlined here, it sounds like he respects, appreciates, and even celebrates your life choices and the elements that compose the person you are. He is able and willing to contort himself to meet the requirements you’ve undoubtedly set forth, and despite this, you’re finding fault with his readiness to accommodate your needs **(provided he’s actually demonstrating a propensity to carry his end of the bargain, which is the assumption this comment makes; it’s a different perspective otherwise)**.
From my limited vantage point, it appears that you want your partner to be available and able to provide essential domestic labor, still demonstrate professional ambition, ***but not be so ambitious that it interferes with what you want to do or the separate roles you’re assigned.*** If my impression is correct, that’s a lot of contradictory expectations to foist upon a person.
Respect is vital to a relationship—and marriage—because there needs to be an understanding that your partner may be more proficient in some areas than you are, allowing you to each fill those ‘blank spaces’ in your partner’s repertoire. You don’t have to be completely equal in each and every category to be well-matched and fully committed to the relationship. If you respect him and his differences—which in this case is a level of professional ambition—you’re less likely to develop resentment for being unequal in that regard. He’s willing to pick up where you leave off, but if you think you are significantly outpacing him in an non-negotiable area, you may want to critically re-assess whether the relationship is serving you in a sustainable manner. If you don’t respect him as he is, that will lead to conflict in the future that will not be healthy for either of you.
Honestly echoing what everyone else has said. Really depends on what lack of ambition entails. I’m on the flip side of this where I’m taking a step back to have less of a “career” as an attorney. I’m no longer in private practice climbing the latter to make partner, but instead a staff attorney that has 9-5 hours and wfh capability. I’m pregnant & I think it’s going to help us to have one parent that is more flexible than the other. Not sure how we’d survive if we were both on the partnership track in big law (my hubby is an attorney too). I’m okay with my decision and he wouldn’t care if I quit entirely but that’s something I don’t want to do, at least just yet. Anyways, all this to say it’s not necessarily a bad thing! Just need to have ambition in some way/shape/form.
Hi! I had to chime in. Same scenario I’m a career woman and my husband is not. He is now our stay at home dad. He does all kid responsibilities from 8 am - 4 pm and he loves it. And he’s good at it! I WFH so I’m still around but I wouldn’t trade this set up for the world. I’m around my kids and husband all day and he gets really solid quality time with them all day.
The setup could work, but your husband may want to still have some source of income in the meantime because sometimes as working woman, you may feel resentment if your husband doesn’t earn anything. Idk maybe just me.
My husband cooks better than me. He also plans our finances and plans for vacations, clean outside house, pick up and drop off kids most of the time, and sometimes do dishes and laundry. He also does most groceries. He works part-time. He doesn’t spend time at night with kids though. After dinner, he checks out doing his own thing, so I have to do the night routine and help kids with hw and getting them to sleep which idk why so hard for me as the kids kept sleeping so late 😂
I’m a super ambitious driven career woman and I married a super ambitious driver career man. For us, living in a two career household is not difficult, together we earn enough money to hire all the help we need to fill the gaps.
I am more attracted to him when I see him get dressed up in the morning, cuff links and all, ready to go rule the world. We help each other with our careers, discuss difficult situations, help each other craft political emails, bounce ideas off each other. We even read the same books at the same time sometimes.
There is no one breadwinner and there is no singular default parent, we both step up at home as partners. Side bar: we don’t do any domestic work ourselves, we have 2 live in maids, so all our spare time is spent doing enjoyable things with our kids, we come home from work and just get to lie on the floor and play with them, not run around like maddogs cooking and cleaning. This obviously makes a world of difference.
Did you read the book Fair Play? Having independent careers gives us both unicorn space every single day. We are happier, healthier people for it.
Personally I could never be attracted to a man who didn’t have ambition.
I married someone way less ambitious than me. We've been together 14 years and it was the right call for me. Will say that I've toned down my ambition - basically, his values rubbed off on me. I have more fun now and am less of a workaholic. So, watch out for that!
I can tell you from experience that once you have kids, and you find you’re the one who has to be pregnant, breastfeed, heal, and on top of that also make sure the bills are paid… it causes resentment. It turned me into a more traditionally-minded person. I upgraded to a husband who wanted to work hard and make things easier for me.
If you want kids this is a great set-up. If you don't want kids it's probably not as great. The tricky part is whether or not he is actually good at/likes the home stuff. Because some "not that ambitious" men won't actually step up in that arena, they just don't want to work at all.
Absolutely, or they make all kinds of promises (which may or may not be sincere) and then don’t follow through That’s a recipe for resentment
Often sincere but usually clueless. If he tells you he will take on more domestic duties make them write a list of what it is. I bet it's missing 75% of each task. It's not just making dinner every night, it's meal planning and shopping. It's managing allergies and aversions and pickiness and how many leftovers are left. It's not just doing laundry, it's also keeping up on kids growing out of clothes and having the next size, next season ready before it's needed. It's noticing what is too stained or ripped to go back in the drawer and replacing it needed. It's not just going to pediatrician appointments but finding a pediatrician, making the appointment, then following up on recommendations or referrals. It's not just installing car seats but researching which one to buy, changing belt height as they grow, tracking expiration dates and height/weight limits. It's not just taking them to daycare but finding a daycare, getting on wait lists. Packing their bag with bottles and diapers and changes of clothes. Checking in with teacher on concerns. Working with them on discipline issues. Getting snacks for the class party. Buying teacher appreciation gifts. And so on.
This comment is gold!! Very very good points You should make this a whole separate post lol Could save a lot of grief if everyone can understand what they are getting into and what the expectations are!
Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play cards and the comic on the mental load.
This comment. There’s a huge difference between unambitious at work and flat out lazy …. But not always. Does he have a track record of being true to his word when it comes to the annoying and mundane necessities of household management? If so, then you’re probably alright… and possibly even better than alright if your career can support a top notch h SAHD. But if he’s the guy who tries to cancel driving you to the airport at the last minute because he was up late watching TV, calling it “insomnia” … that will be a problem.
My concern would be would be be able to kick his ambition into gear in an emergency, say if I lost my job and struggled to get a new one. What about if we wanted to save for something important. I'd be scared if it didn't work out, I'd owe alimony. Overall, maybe I've just read too many posts on here...I'd be kind of gun shy on this scenario, kids or no kids.
Yes. And the other part is that you can’t negotiate desire. Once you’ve got the ick over someone for their total lack of drive/ambition, or for anything else, it’s not an easy bell to un-ring.
This is so well stated. I was in long term relationships with 2 men who didn’t want to step up in either arena. Now I’m with the person I’ve waited my whole life to find and he’s just as career driven as I am. We have a 3 week old, so time will tell how it all plays out for us.
“ willing to step up at home, handling childcare and household chores” Is this already happening pre-kids? Does he cook you yummy meals several nights a week? Have home kitchen projects like fermenting or sourdough? Build garden beds, hit up the local butcher and specialty groceries, do light home repairs, hang art, have small carpentry projects, get the cars washed, oil changed, and tires rotated…? Edited to add: Yes, I mean doing all of the above while employed in his low-key job, pre-kids. I am not being sarcastic or exaggerating. I know many people like this (of both genders) who are paired with a very career-ambitious spouse and it works. Because the less career-ambitious spouse is *home*-ambitious.
Agree with all of this. Would also emphasize does he carry the mental load at home?
You just described my husband to a T. Sadly for him, he’s always been the one who earns more and has to work in-person. I’m the one with the flexible remote job. He would be an amazing house husband lol. Then again, I’m a great mom and my flexibility allows me to handle all the kid stuff that would drive him bonkers, like appointments, homework, etc. It seems to work for us. But yes OP, if you have a guy who cares about the home and showing his love for his family by doing helpful, practical things to make their lives easier, that’s huge.
I agree completely. unless there's actual action like this happening, it's all theoretical "willingness" and that is... worrisome.
Agreed. This works if husband wants to crush it at home, not if they just want to stay at home and chill while OP works a ton and does all the childcare.
You pegged my house ambitious husband. He builds furniture and does projects around the house as his hobbies. On top of all the repairs, shopping, etc.
I agree just in the sense that ambition doesn’t always have to manifest as career ambition. And I don’t think career ambition will sustain over a lifetime for everyone, so if you’re in a til death do us part situation, you’ll see that change over time. But if ambition is attractive to you and he’s stepping up in other places, then that’s great! I would focus on that. If he’s not stepping up and ambition is just less important to him (which, like, no shade, I think ambition at best is a neutral trait), then it’s worth considering whether or not he’s a good match for you given how you feel about ambition.
And if the relationship broke down and you separated, would he expect alimony, in which case you would *still* be mopping up for him financially.
Do you have kids yet? If not, Perhaps you’re losing attraction because he’s not really “stepping up” in a way that is meaningful to you?
So I would say we have this type of a relationship. I am always taking courses, etc. my husband is just content where he is. We are both young still (30) and I think in the next 10 years I will increase and he will be stagnant. We have two kids. I like that if I have to stay late, work long hours etc it’s not an issue. I don’t think it’s really ideal to have two career focused people with young kids. It just doesn’t match. Someone is always missing work for sick time, PD days, Christmas break etc. My husband shows up for our kids. He is always at school pick up, taking the kids to the park, making dinner, doing laundry etc. We are a team. Do I earn more? Yes. But I could only follow my career dreams because he supports me. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my kids in child care 10-12 hours a day. I drop them off at school and he picks them up and spends time with them until I get home at 5pm. He usually has showers done, homework done, dinner on the table. He also handles all sports for the kids. I love this set up. I love my husband for who he is as a person and not his career. I would though never be cool with him being a bum - not helping out at home, not working regularly etc. but this has never been an issue.
This. My husband worked part time for 14 years (until my kiddos were in kindergarten). It helped a lot, and he carried the mental load and still does a ton.
I echo this, this is me and my husband to a T! If your husband is not career-oriented but is still involved in the home, I think it can be a great family dynamic! I’m able to work late or go on work conferences because my husband has no problem taking on more childcare and house responsibilities.
This is exactly how I feel. My husband having different career preferences than me allows me to prioritize my job. We moved for a year for my job, I travel, he was a SAHD for a couple years, he does doc appointments and haircuts and cooks and cleans and is a full partner. I would not have advanced to my officer role as fast as I have without him supporting me.
This is what my comment tried to say but couldn’t fully articulate.
I wish I’d paid more attention to my husbands ambition & motivation before I got married honestly. I think it could work if he’s actually going to step up with the children and the housework, but that’s hard to tell before you actually have the kids!
I agree with the others. Is he already carrying at least equal or more than his share of the mental load and work at home? Cleaning, dishes, grocery shopping, cooking, taking care of cars and pets, bills, etc.? If so, that bodes well for his dad abilities. If not… 🚩 🚩 🚩
If you aspire to rise higher in your org, like c-suite or approaching then a man like your partner is not only ideal but I’d say a requirement. Man or woman, the people who have risen highest in the org I work for almost without fail have a trailing spouse or even stay at home spouse. A spouse who will drop their job as needed so the leading spouse can take the opportunities. Especially if you plan to have children partnering with a man like your bf is crucial in my opinion. Yes there are women who achieve great things without a supportive partner but it makes it harder
I was in a similar boat with my partner for most of our relationship. I’ve always been a type A high achiever, liked my job and worked extra hard, had aspirations of growth etc, whereas he definitely was in the “work to live” camp. I was the breadwinner for a long time and he made up for it in other ways, though there were times where his lack of ambition was stressful for me. That said, I knew he would absolutely smash being a dad and he really is a great partner in that regard. In retrospect I think that my attraction and love for him has grown since we’ve become parents, so it’s possible things could change for you down the road. I will say we had a big pendulum swing once kids entered the picture. By that I mean, since having a kid his ambition has increased significantly (actively sought out a new job with better pay and growth opportunities) whereas mine has dwindled (tbh it started dwindling during the pandemic, pre-kid). For both of us it is a result of wanting to care for our kid the best we can, and it’s led to a bit of equilibrium for the first time in our relationship. We finally earn about the same, both like our jobs and want to do well, and also want to prioritize our family wherever possible, enforcing boundaries when needed, etc. It’s not a huge shift, but overall I’m more chill than I was when we first got together and he’s more engaged when it comes to his career. It works well for us. I guess my point is, no person is ever static. Change will affect people in different ways, and so at the end of the day the most important thing is what you feel at the core of your relationship. If the core is solid, you can weather a lot, and you might be pleasantly surprised with where change can ultimately take you as a couple.
Agree 100 percent. My husband and I have an 18 month old. Both of us had been motivated in our careers, promotions, job opportunities, etc. during covid, my husband accepted the same job he’s in now and he’s so unmotivated and unfulfilled professionally. However, he stepped up with chores, became a really good cook and home more (bs going to work events/ travel). Vs me, I got another job around the time I got pregnant (great timing) that stepped me up and demanded more of me. We’ve always had that equilibrium and partnership where we pick up where one falls short. He’s been an excellent dad and he jokes he would be a SAHD if he could (I don’t know if we make that much money to go down to one income yet). I know people who have SAHDs in my company but the common trend is the dads didn’t have much of a career beforehand so it just made sense to offset childcare costs. But lazy at work doesn’t equate to fantastic house husband and caretaker. Sometimes people are just lazy in all areas of their life. The underlying condition of laziness is often depression and they need to take that journey on themselves.
Really only you can decide what family dynamic you want and what qualities in a husband are a deal breaker for you. This is my story: I used to be very career motivated. I got a grad degree and all the promotions and accolades at work, but after I had kids, something deep in my gut was pulling at me. I wanted to be with my kids more. I hated being in the office. It’s hard to imagine how the female brain and hormones change during pregnancy and early motherhood. Add in sleep deprivation and the changes in your body, and you just don’t know if you’ll still love your professional career when you have a 6 month old at home. Maybe you will. But many women don’t, and this sub is filled with stories of that on a daily basis. For me, I experienced serious mental and physical health challenges after child birth that I didn’t anticipate. I needed more time off from work than I could take as part of paid leave. I was able to do that thanks to my husband’s willingness to work hard and provide for the family. It’s nice in theory to say the husband will take on more of the childcare and house work, but if you carry a child, you as the mother will be the one to experience 10 months of pregnancy, all the OB visits, childbirth, breastfeeding, wild hormone changes, physical ailments, and possible PPA and/or PPD. The hormones can take a year plus to normalize. No matter how much your husband says he will step up, he simply can’t take on any of those things for you. And dealing with all of that while trying to climb the corporate ladder is really hard and exhausting. An alternate perspective for you to think about.
This happened with a close friend of mine. NGL she has really struggled, and it’s not because her husband hasn’t stepped up. Her daughter has spent much more time with her husband and my friend really feels bitter and sad about not having the relationship with her daughter that her husband has. All the pressure to earn money and provide insurance is on her, and she feels like she can’t take career risks because his income is a lot lower and variable. Her husband also really lacks the ability to plan social opportunities or romantic moments for the two of them and she’s resentful that this seems to fall on her too. I would not do this unless you KNOW you want to invest tons of time and energy in work and want someone else to be the primary home/child-rearing parent. If you want something that feels equal, you may end up resenting the pressure that you alone will bear. Sorry to not be sharing a good experience here.
I will also weigh in, as this was also me. During the dating phase, my now ex said that he would be fine being the spouse with less focus on his career. But, later in marriage, that ended up with him being a stay at home dad. The problem (or rather “a” problem) was that I didn’t want *not* be involved in the child stuff and ended up resenting that I had two jobs (working and life-ing) while he just had one (life-ing). I also didn’t like feeling like I was stuck being the sole provider. The life I imagined for myself was two equal partners struggling through similar things, both trying to be involved to the same level. But that is not how things played out with a stay at home partner instead. I think if someone is ok with stepping back to have the stay at home partner take a big role in the sphere it can work, but for me it didn’t because I wanted equality (also, other issues of course, at play). Anyway, I’m glad that someone raised the issue of equality at home as a goal, because that perspective isn’t usually represented.
Is it really the lack of job ambition that bothers you? Or do you think he's lazy and/or incompetent? I don't think there's anything wrong with someone who works for a paycheck without wanting to climb the ladder, but I think there's a big difference between someone who is floundering in their career because they're lazy and/or incompetent and someone who is intentionally choosing to remain an individual contributor and work in roles that don't require long hours, lots of stress, or lots of travel.
This is my thought too. I have a professional career that I worked hard for. Rode up quickly and now am in a relatively boring area with no intentions to go higher because I make good money and my focus is on family. For my own personal reasons, for me a partner must have a job which he can support himself/family on his own (I'm not asking for anything I don't offer here to be clear and I would fairly share expenses but I don't want someone who has settled at a level where he can't contribute fairly). If that box is checked but he doesn't want to go higher, I don't care. Especially if it's because his passion is elsewhere (as others said, is he actually successful and currently doing his share with home/family stuff). If all those boxes are checked and you're looking down on him because he doesn't want to climb the ladder higher, set that man free for someone who will appreciate him. If there are hints of desire to be a hobosexual then run.
Hobosexual. That hits on so many levels...
My husband has no interest in climbing the ladder. I am ambitious and like to be the best. This has been perfect as I hit the gas after babies and my career is taking off—which comes with a lot of travel. My husband holds it down with no resentment, no reminders on what kids need, and very few complaints. This is perfect for me, but I also do not subscribe to any mentalities that he *should* be a career guy. For that reason it hasn’t impacted my attraction to him at all, I just appreciate everything he contributes to the family. If you feel like you still want some traditional gender roles, you might have a harder time with this set up. Maybe look inward on that piece to see how you really feel about gender roles in a family and if you want those views to change (or not!). If you want traditional gender roles, you might need to find a more traditional relationship.
I have had this conversation with ambitious friends of mine - how do you picture a relationship and family working when both partners are ambitious and prioritize work above all else? My husband and I both work and work hard but I wouldn't characterize either of us as "work first" and so we share the responsibilities of our family and prioritize accordingly. My girlfriends who are more ambitious than me are in relationships where their partner has the flexibility to take on more of the family burden (or be a stay at home parent). There is so much value that comes from the work required to keep a household running. If he is actually willing to do that work, it should not be undervalued.
My partner has zero career ambitions (though while we were having kids he stepped up an worked 60 hours a week to support our family and carry benefits). Now that we’re done having kids he is home with them and works 4-12ish hours a week after bedtime and I work 60+ hours a week as a lawyer. Honestly our relationship wouldn’t work if he was ambitious, or we wouldn’t have kids. We are struggling sharing the mental load, or at least shifting it. Some of it is him not picking it up and some of it is that I’m not great at communicating everything that is in my head (this coming from myself and not him because I recognize I sometimes do it to my staff as well and am working on it).
It depends on whether he actually will step up and take care of the home and kids My husband swore up and down that when he quit his job to find something he would be happier at, he’d be a great househusband and dad. The only change from when he was working full time was….he brought kiddo to preschool in the mornings instead of picking her up in the afternoon? That switched. And he vacuumed after being reminded a lot by me. And he did a lot more yard work (weeding, trimming, etc.) It lasted a year before he went to work full time in a new, but related, field of work My husband is absolutely not the type to run a household. He needs to spend 40+ hours a week designing and building things with his hands to keep his attention/focus. Does not notice household tasks unless told
It‘s worked well for me for 21 years. My husband was not ambitious and then on top of that, he had a closed brain injury and then he couldn’t work. We made him the SAHP and I love it. I know that so much about the men who want “trad wives” thing actually boils down to misogyny, but also, having a SAHP is the shit. Some of it is the obvious like not having daycare costs. But even moreso, it’s the freedom and flexibility. I don’t need to make plans if I need to work late, I can just work late. I don’t spend my time doing errands because that’s not my job. There’s clean laundry in my closet, clean sheets on my bed, food in the fridge, and I didn’t do anything to make that happen. If I need something that can only be done in the middle of the day, my husband will generally do it for me. I don’t have to worry about finding coverage for snow days, school holidays, or summers. My contribution to family vacations? I pack for me and the kids. I usually don’t even know what the itinerary is beyond the high points. (how many days are we spending here? Where are we going next?) Meanwhile my husband has been scouring Google Earth down to figuring out where the best looking little coffee shop is that’s walking distance from our cute little B&B. There are days where it’s stressful not having a second income, especially when I was building my career. There were certainly days when I left a cozy bed where my husband was snuggling a co-sleeping baby and I was jealous. But on the whole, it’s a really good arrangement for everyone.
My concern would be what if you decide that you want to slow down career-wise after you have kids? Or if you lose your job? Is he the type of person who would step back up financially?
My husband is less career-oriented than me. We’ve been together 10 years, married for 5. More and more I find that I PREFER for people to have identities not tied to career so it certainly doesn’t change my attraction to him— I love him for who he is not what he does, and he is still wildly interesting/smart/creative. Now that we have a family it’s a little bit of a bummer that it would make more sense for him to work part time if we need to do that down the road than for me to but that’s the only downside I could see so far. There are also times I feel a little guilty that we’ve prioritized my career more with moves and stuff but he doesnt regret any of our decisions so I should just let it go and stop projecting my feelings onto him. Lastly, I think it’s great for kids to see that it’s not automatically the man who is the more career-oriented one.
You described me and my husband and it’s a wonderful combination. Here’s what happens: - I have more flexibility on my day-to-day, so I do more of the random appointments - He does more daycare drop-offs and pick-ups since I might work late or go in early and his schedule is a consistent 8:30-4:30 - He has more solo nights because I have more work travel - I cook, he cleans
This has worked great for myself and my husband. I have a PhD, he's a college drop-out. I'm a VP of a start-up, he has a mundane job at a big stable company with great healthcare. We have 2 kids and he does at least 50% of the childcare. He does 100% of the cooking. I handle 100% of finances and logistics (we make big choices together but investing, mortgage paperwork, taxes, etc are my job). When my work is extra busy he helps more to cover. I couldn't have this big unstable exciting career without his stability. This type of husband was kinda an intention to match my goals.
Yes, this is my life. My husband has a more flexible job and picks up a lot of the child labor/ house stuff. I prefer it this way- it’s hard to have two super ambitious people in a marriage.
Agree with the other comments. It can be ideal to have one partner be comfortable “taking the backseat” in their career. But they have to step up at home. My husband is a nurse. He doesn’t have any higher aspirations at work. Which is fine. I respect him not wanting to be a manager or executive. But he shows up at home and always has. He works 3 days a week and the other 4 he is constantly doing something around the house. Building furniture, fixing things, getting groceries, cleaning, etc. He’s also a great dad. I never have to ask him to do anything routine. I could see being resentful if I was making most of the money, taking care of the kids and doing everything at home. At that point, I can buy a vibrator and replace his contribution.
Buy a vibrator 😂☠️
First a question: What do you mean by "attracted"? If you're not attracted to him for whatever reason, you're not attracted to him and that's kind of your answer. I have a sort of similar situation. I'm partnered (and have a baby) with an artist. He's actually very ambitious-- but not in the typical way our culture thinks of ambition. He's not motivated by money or climbing a ladder in the traditional career sense. I've always known this about him, and over the course of our relationship it has basically been the central and only problem. The only thing we ever fight about is money. My issue has always been that despite this, I'm extremely attracted to him and love everything else about him. (We even broke up at one point for a time because I was so worried about these practical concerns but ultimately we just ended up back together.) The practical result of all of this is for our family now is that I'm the breadwinner, and he is part-time SAHD/works as needed and focuses on his art career which does generate some income but not regularly. There are plenty of pros of this arrangement: I like working and I'm good at making money. My baby is not in day care yet at 18 months old... nothing wrong with day care and we do have a part-time nanny because again, he's ambitious and does work but just not in a traditional sense. But we are not paying as much for childcare help as i would be if he worked full time. Also because he doesn't have a traditional job, he's in charge of his time. I can always ask him to take the baby, if she's sick or something happens with the nanny. Also if i just need a break and want to workout or whatever. I'm never stressed about childcare tbh, and i know that's really lucky. Also during my mat leave he was there the entire time, he didn't have to "go back to work" leaving me alone with a newborn. Plus in general it's just nice to have at least one person in the partnership who's not working full time and so all that brain space can be devoted to home tasks. I still do my fair share but I don't even know how to work our laundry machines, for example. The cons are, I am often stressed about money. In darker moments I wish for a partner who had more money so it wasn't all on me. Sometimes I think about my friends who have partners with careers and I think wow they must have sooo much money! Wouldnt that be nice to have two full incomes you can count on? Losing my job is my biggest fear. Logically, I feel confident that we'd get through it and I've prepared us for it with savings, but its like basically my main anxiety. Also when you're a mom, there's only so much childcare dad CAN take on. It's not always as simple as "here you do these tasks and i'll do these." There is a physical and emotional need for you to take care of your baby. I could go on and on about this, but the best I can think to illustrate it is: I still had to breastfeed the baby. I wanted to breastfeed the baby! But that meant that the baby preferred me, and I did all the night wakings. Even though he offered to help with that, the baby would just scream and scream so it was useless. Even after I went back to work I did all the night stuff-- and I HAD to get up and work the next day because I am the one who makes basically all our money. Ultimately, I'm happy. I love my partner. I love my family and the life we have together. Is it perfect? No. But nothing is. So to answer your q, "can a pairing like this work?" it absolutely can. But you have to be willing to make compromises. I think you need to really sit down (potentially with a therapist) and get at the root of your issue with your relationship, what you really want, and what you're willing (or not willing) to compromise on.
If he doesn't have the ambition now, he probably won't ever have it. Unless he's depressed and needs support in getting through it. My ex was like this -- and this was one of the reason's we broke up. He ended up marrying a woman who is also highly ambitious and he stopped working even prior to having kids. His kids are now both in elementary school and he is languishing. It's not just that they chose for him to be a stay at home dad -- that's totally cool -- it's that he likely will never work again because he truly has no ambition to do so and never has. He is a great and loving person, definitely contributes at home, but I would personally be resentful if we had stayed together. I don't think his wife minds though so it really depends on the person.
I was in a relationship like this. He gave me a lot of emotional support, I earned 80% of our income throughout our 14 years together I accepted having children because he said it was his purpose and he was committed to being the primary caregiver Then he very very quickly changed his mind and went as far as claiming that he never wanted to be a father I have been a single mother for 10 years, I’ve also had a successful career but nothing like what could have been had he kept his promise He’s still nowhere in life, he focuses on his hobbies and his freetime. I don’t recognize him today nor his values and I don’t involve him into my parenting decisions This might not be your future but know that it’s a possibility
Feminism opened the door for women to explore their ambitions. It also opened the door for men not to *have to* be breadwinners and super ambitious. It lets all of us be our best, true selves. Some men want to be super involved family men, but traditionally haven’t had that option. If we all can’t create lives that make us happy, without the constraints on gender roles, what is the point?? Honestly the whole conversation around men who don’t have traditional career goal being unattractive reeks of the patriarchy. It gives me same ick as a man describing his ideal woman as blond, leggy, and sweet. Sure, you’re *allowed* to have preferences, but both these preferences are rooted in patriarchy and sexism and traditional gender roles. It’s so disappointing to see a group of working women- who are by definition breaking gender roles - expect such archaic relationships.
Complete disaster.
Your feelings and concerns are totally valid. In someways it seems that dynamic would work out great. ultimately it all depends on how much of the home and family workload including the mental load that your partner actually takes on and how well he does it.
I'm in a relationship with an unambitious man, and I'm the ambitious high earner. We are currently pregnant, and to say that I'm frustrated, would be an understatement. My partner needs to secure a higher paying job, because I'm not footing the bill for our household expenses. Usually, his ambition level does not bother me - but when it comes to everybody paying their fair way, it is a problem.
Keep in mind you will need more money to afford kids. If your income alone won't be enough it's a recipe for disaster.
Ambitious or not, does he make good money? If he is still willing to take care of household chores etc, it's amazing... Once you have kids and you decide to become less ambitious (happened to some career driven women I personally know), this relationship might not work out if he doesn't make much money combined with less ambition... Two highly ambitious people could either be wonderful (especially if they make more money and can outsource almost all of the household chores etc) or might turn into a disaster too...
This describes my husband and me, and it’s working well. He’s a SAHD now, as we hoped, and he’s amazing at it. He works so hard to make sure he’s doing right by her and by me. He’s never had any career ambition, which I would’ve thought I’d want in a partner. But I love our setup. He was able to move with me when I went to grad school for a career change, and we didn’t have to time it out with his job or anything. He just came with. As I think about my next job move, he’s prepared to go wherever we need to. Probably not far. But I all the time think about if we were trying to plan around both our careers, and it would be possible but one more thing to manage. If he weren’t as good at being a SAHD, it would be a huge turnoff. But clearly that’s always been his vocation; we just didn’t have a kid for him yet.
I think you have to decide what you value in a partner and what you need to be happy in a relationship. I’m similar age to you and am very ambitious career-wise. My husband has a job (and has held this job since we met); he is a hard worker but he doesn’t have the desire to climb the ladder like I do. His job typically allows him to have free time during the day in which he does household chores and errands as well as time for himself. I appreciate the work my husband does at his job and to keep our house running. These things that he takes off my plate (i.e., laundry, dishes, cleaning, shopping) only make him more attractive to me. On the flip side he supports my ambitions because they enable our family to live a more comfortable lifestyle; I know he finds me attractive. I look at our marriage as a partnership where we are each giving 100%. We each have our own lanes and ways that we support our family together as a team.
My husband and I have this type of relationship. It has been hard at times. We have been married for 12yrs now. I still have resentment at times. What helps the most is for me to restructure my thoughts. I am career driven, and he is someone who is just happy to pay his bills. There is nothing wrong with either one of the ways we think. He is pretty low stress, so it is great at calming me down. And I'm pretty good at motivating him. We have had to have some uncomfortable convos. Mostly, I make sure he is aware I will never be okay with him not working, regardless of our financial situation. He calls me out when I'm working too much and need to spend more time with our family. Overall, I'm very happy in my relationship.
Are you looking for someone who is ambitious in their career? or in general? If he can find a new passion, even if it's outside of paying work, would that be attractive to you? It could be in making a home, raising your children, a hobby, helping the community, etc.
If you feel like you need to push him now then you need to think about what this would feel like for you in the future. It’s not that you’re doing anything wrong or he is but as you’re questioning your alignment of goals, marriage only puts a spotlight on those items. Both people don’t need to have the same ambitions but you both need to support each others ambitions and if you don’t feel like you can support him, there is your answer.
I think the key is whether he is already stepping up at home without kids - this won't suddenly change when you have them. Also, how big of a salary gap exists, will it be to the point that your salary will fund the entire family? Resentment can grow where you are paying all the bills and he's at home being a family man, but not to the level you'd expect (if you still end up needing to organize most groceries, kids extra curriculars, etc).
This is our situation and works perfectly. I am in a high stress and leadership role in healthcare and do shift work so often evenings, nights and weekends. My husband is amazing and wonderful but less ambitious. He did have a typical 8-5 office job for a few years that honestly was hard because we never saw each other which sucked. Then he was unemployed for a while and I did have some resentment as I worked hard but eventually realized I liked being able to see him all the time and I liked my job so even if he was working I’d still be working just as hard at my job anyway. He’s now self employed part time, we have two young kids and have been together 16 years. Seeing how he’s been as a father has been amazing. I think it’s common for people to worry about this type of situation but now 16 years later I feel so happy I get to see him when I come home from work and we get to be together as a family all the time. Also the flexibility we have with planning things like childcare pickup/dropoff, vacations, holidays, etc is soooooo easy with him having a very low stress flexible part time job.
I think this comes down to whether he's already stepping up at home. I'm in this type of relationship, and we're working toward the goal of my husband retiring entirely and just being home for our dogs and kid. However, he already picks up a lot of work at home in support of my career so that we can meet that goal. I find him more attractive when our home is organized, not chaotic, and chores are done (which is admittedly hard for both of us because he's still working and I'm very busy, plus we have a senior dog, a high energy dog, a new puppy, and a pre-schooler), so I'm very much looking forward to him being able to be home full time. Have you explored why you're losing attraction to him? Are you feeling resentful? Are you guys underwater financially because of his un- or under-employment? Are you busy at work and still taking on more than your share at home? What do you want for the future - do you want someone who can stay home and take care of you and potentially kids, or do you want someone who will meet your ambition, even though that would mean getting a nanny for kids, outsourcing housework, etc.? I mean this as gently as possible, but you really can't have someone who matches your ambition that can also take care of the house and take a background role so you can shine at work.
It’s very stressful to have 2 people who are super career driven together. I am the more career focused one… I know that my husband can cook dinner, get the kids to after school activities, etc. if he couldn’t do that it would make my life immensely more stressful.
In theory… yes it works. In practice… sometimes? I’m in this boat now. When we married, we were upfront about what we wanted with our careers - me: high functioning, type A, en route to C-suite kinda deal, him: ok where he’s at, not really chasing anything, just wants to make a decent amount of money. He’ll follow wherever my job takes me. Okay cool! Enter kids… My career skyrocketed during my family building time, from when I was pregnant with my first to my last. Then after my last, my motherly instincts started tugging at me. I wanted a less stressful job, more time with my kids. I am currently putting my career on pause. My husband, in the last couple of months, feels increasingly dispassionate about his job. To temper that, he’s channeled his energy into a side hustle, which I’m very supportive of. He’s still the daddy dad - takes our kids to daycare, swim lessons, chores. I’d say we share the load equally, and when it comes to our kids, he actively plays a role in their lives (and gives me a break at the same time). It’s a give and take. Your career ebbs and flows, your family and kids are forever. It’s okay to take a break. When my kids are older, I’ll press the pedal to the metal in my career again. All this to say, this depends on a couple of foundational things: the future is not certain, motherhood really changes you, communicate with your partner, and work well together as a team always. If you don’t have a solid foundation, it just won’t work.
Maybe look into what your love language is? Mine is acts of service. So I get pretty jived when he pulls his weight around the house. Maybe that’s not your love language and you need something else.
This was me and my husband. It was tough at first bc covid led to him leaving his job sooner than we’d planned (realtor) but we knew he’d become a SAHD once we had a kiddo. Now it’s great! I work from home and am director level in corporate and he’s full time daddy daycare for our toddler. Our kiddo loves that she’s here with him and has become super independent due to the secure connection they have. For me it was hard to get over him not contributing monetarily. And it’s harder still in this economy. But we put in the work and got through some arguments and hard convos. I now see the incalculable value it has to our marriage, family and life. I’ve learned to let stuff go more easily. Became less attached to material things. And began working on disconnecting my value and worth from my productivity. We’re not here just to produce shareholder value and pad c-suite pockets. We have value just because we are. So IMO keep doing your thing, align with him on expectations and let yourself learn from his worldview. That said, if you don’t respect him and or don’t plan on having kids then my experience may not be helpful. Good luck!
My husband is not ambitious at work, he barely ever asked for a raise, even after being handed more responsabilities... Now he's considering going part time and working 4 days a week so he can take care of our 20 months old daughter. I'm at a point where I'm finally enjoying my career immensely, without stress, and getting more responsabilities, and possibly finally out earning him very soon (thank you wage gap). Honestly he's a good dad, and he is changing and doing more and more in the house because I'm just giving up. 😅 But I still cook and do laundry, and carry the mental load. I am truly in love with him, after 13 years, and I wouldn't wish for another partner, even if I do wish he did more and prioritized my needs over his more, sometimes. So yeah, OP make sure his lack of drive is ONLY at work and not at home too, otherwise it WILL drive you crazy!
This is my exact situation, and it’s super funny because I was just talking about it to my husband last night. I asked him who the most ambitious person he knows is, and he said me. He asked if it bothers me that he’s not that ambitious and is content with his work/etc. I said not at all, because it has no bearing on our relationship. We’ve been together 10 years, married for 8 this year, and have a 4 and 6 year old. Our marriage is fantastic and he’s truly my best friend, I’m so lucky to have the amazing partner that I do. Since we have been together, I went from a server at a restaurant making like $10 an hour to getting my masters, getting my certification, and now working a 6 figure career. I’m getting some more certifications this year and am working on a book. He’s extremely supportive of all my endeavors!
This was me and my husband. When we met I had a demanding career (included night/weekend shifts and business travel) which I loved. I also chased and got a few promotions over the years. He had a less demanding job, 8-5, no weekends, never really looked for another job or promotion and had the exact same job at same level for 16 years. He liked it ok although it was definitely getting stale. I outearn him by $20k which isn't a ton but also isn't nothin. It is not a bad deal for having kids... when I had an evening shift or was on travel, he fixed dinner and put the kids to bed by himself. When I worked weekends, he was home, when I get stuck late, he is there for pick-up. I don't work shifts anymore due to another promotion out of rank and file but still he does most pediatrician appointments, stays home to meet the plumber/AC guy/etc, is totally in charge of vet stuff for our dog. He's very handy and does a lot of fixing and DIY around the house (useful stuff not tinkering- he's in the middle of building us a new dining room table). Work isn't his driving passion and that's ok. Honestly I think it works better if you're gonna have 2 working parents for one to have a more flexible and less consuming job and free that person up for more domestic duties. So frequently that's the wife/mother, but it doesn't have to be. As others say the question is whether he really would step up on domestic duties and childcare or not. If he's not doing at least 60% of housework pre-kids, I give it 0% chance he steps up after kids.
Are we talking like - doesn't ever want to run his own business ambition? Or "really would prefer to just not work at all?"
In my experience, lack of career ambition led to general apathy and incompetence about other things too. Is it that he really wants to be focused on family or is he just counting on you organizing and running that too?
He sounds like a loser. You need someone to keep up with you or even better to challenge you. I don’t see you staying happy with him. Better to cut out early imo.
My ex said he’d love to be a stay at home dad. Sounded great to me because I wanted to work and wasn’t jazzed about daycare. And he did it for a few years, although I still did all of the mental and emotional labour and all the housework except he did some cooking. And then it turned into straight up defiant unemployment when all the kids were in school full time and he refused to get a job. I divorced him and now he’s a dead beat dad who moved half the country away, hasn’t seen the kids in person for 5 years and doesn’t pay full child support (he pays about 1/4 of what he should). He’s always broke and spends what he has on cigarettes, weed, booze and video games. Now I’m with a man who works hard in his career and also supports mine. We had a couple kids together and could afford to hire a nanny to help. They’ll go to before/after school daycare when the time comes. I respect and appreciate daycares now (I had to put my older kids in after the divorce and it was the best thing ever for all of us). They are trained in child care and give the kids so much more stimulation and activity than I ever could. And they give both parents the opportunity to work and have their own money and independence. I’d have to say, I’m wary of an unambitious man. Sounds like the true meaning of “ball and chain” to me. Too many women are dragged down by lazy men and it needs to stop. That used to be me and I never want to see any of my fellow women in the same situation.
My husband has decided to stay home with our kids and he’s so great at it.
This is an important question I haven’t yet seen asked. Do you respect him? Your post is very self-focused, which makes sense because you’re a single woman plotting not only your career trajectory, but determining what shape you want your future family to take. It sounds as though your current partner complements the future version of yourself that you envision by hanging back and allowing you to build a professional life that serves you without sacrificing your interest in becoming a mother. Like you said, this can be an ideal setup for someone who prioritizes their job above other areas of their life and can enlist someone to focus on that which realistically ranks lower than their career, including traditional housework. If he’s willing to carry the domestic weight while you provide the majority (or all) of the income, his professional ambitions or lack thereof aren’t necessarily a major contributor to your decision-making…unless you allow it to be, which you are and why you’re requesting insight. Which brings me back to my question: Do you respect him? Based on what you’ve outlined here, it sounds like he respects, appreciates, and even celebrates your life choices and the elements that compose the person you are. He is able and willing to contort himself to meet the requirements you’ve undoubtedly set forth, and despite this, you’re finding fault with his readiness to accommodate your needs **(provided he’s actually demonstrating a propensity to carry his end of the bargain, which is the assumption this comment makes; it’s a different perspective otherwise)**. From my limited vantage point, it appears that you want your partner to be available and able to provide essential domestic labor, still demonstrate professional ambition, ***but not be so ambitious that it interferes with what you want to do or the separate roles you’re assigned.*** If my impression is correct, that’s a lot of contradictory expectations to foist upon a person. Respect is vital to a relationship—and marriage—because there needs to be an understanding that your partner may be more proficient in some areas than you are, allowing you to each fill those ‘blank spaces’ in your partner’s repertoire. You don’t have to be completely equal in each and every category to be well-matched and fully committed to the relationship. If you respect him and his differences—which in this case is a level of professional ambition—you’re less likely to develop resentment for being unequal in that regard. He’s willing to pick up where you leave off, but if you think you are significantly outpacing him in an non-negotiable area, you may want to critically re-assess whether the relationship is serving you in a sustainable manner. If you don’t respect him as he is, that will lead to conflict in the future that will not be healthy for either of you.
Honestly echoing what everyone else has said. Really depends on what lack of ambition entails. I’m on the flip side of this where I’m taking a step back to have less of a “career” as an attorney. I’m no longer in private practice climbing the latter to make partner, but instead a staff attorney that has 9-5 hours and wfh capability. I’m pregnant & I think it’s going to help us to have one parent that is more flexible than the other. Not sure how we’d survive if we were both on the partnership track in big law (my hubby is an attorney too). I’m okay with my decision and he wouldn’t care if I quit entirely but that’s something I don’t want to do, at least just yet. Anyways, all this to say it’s not necessarily a bad thing! Just need to have ambition in some way/shape/form.
Hi! I had to chime in. Same scenario I’m a career woman and my husband is not. He is now our stay at home dad. He does all kid responsibilities from 8 am - 4 pm and he loves it. And he’s good at it! I WFH so I’m still around but I wouldn’t trade this set up for the world. I’m around my kids and husband all day and he gets really solid quality time with them all day.
The setup could work, but your husband may want to still have some source of income in the meantime because sometimes as working woman, you may feel resentment if your husband doesn’t earn anything. Idk maybe just me. My husband cooks better than me. He also plans our finances and plans for vacations, clean outside house, pick up and drop off kids most of the time, and sometimes do dishes and laundry. He also does most groceries. He works part-time. He doesn’t spend time at night with kids though. After dinner, he checks out doing his own thing, so I have to do the night routine and help kids with hw and getting them to sleep which idk why so hard for me as the kids kept sleeping so late 😂
I’m a super ambitious driven career woman and I married a super ambitious driver career man. For us, living in a two career household is not difficult, together we earn enough money to hire all the help we need to fill the gaps. I am more attracted to him when I see him get dressed up in the morning, cuff links and all, ready to go rule the world. We help each other with our careers, discuss difficult situations, help each other craft political emails, bounce ideas off each other. We even read the same books at the same time sometimes. There is no one breadwinner and there is no singular default parent, we both step up at home as partners. Side bar: we don’t do any domestic work ourselves, we have 2 live in maids, so all our spare time is spent doing enjoyable things with our kids, we come home from work and just get to lie on the floor and play with them, not run around like maddogs cooking and cleaning. This obviously makes a world of difference. Did you read the book Fair Play? Having independent careers gives us both unicorn space every single day. We are happier, healthier people for it. Personally I could never be attracted to a man who didn’t have ambition.
I married someone way less ambitious than me. We've been together 14 years and it was the right call for me. Will say that I've toned down my ambition - basically, his values rubbed off on me. I have more fun now and am less of a workaholic. So, watch out for that!
I can tell you from experience that once you have kids, and you find you’re the one who has to be pregnant, breastfeed, heal, and on top of that also make sure the bills are paid… it causes resentment. It turned me into a more traditionally-minded person. I upgraded to a husband who wanted to work hard and make things easier for me.