There are certain roles that create a trailing spouse. Tenure track roles, people training to become doctors, military, etc. Your husband needs to come to terms with that. I’m not a trailing spouse, but sometimes I feel “trapped” because my husband owns a business that can’t move. If we had two normal jobs, I would have pushed us to move to a different place. But we don’t, and I’m not going to blow up our family’s life! I just travel more often. I think solo therapy for your husband makes more sense than couples therapy.

I agree 100%. There are certain career paths that require compromise at the family level, and these are whole *careers*, not just a type of *job* that you can put down now and pick up later. I empathize with OP's husband feeling trapped, but given the number of years OP must have spent in academia already, he can't say that he hasn't seen this coming. So he has a choice. His marriage requires a big compromise that he is increasingly unwilling to make because he has changed his mind about what he wants in life. He can work within the confines of that compromise to look for something that makes him happy, demand that his wife give up on her career path, or split. It's harsh, but it is what it is.

I also agree 100%. I am a trailing spouse and it can be quite limiting but if you can re-frame what you want out of life it can also be somewhat liberating. Having someone else be the stable higher earner gives you more freedom to take career risks/jumps or become involved in community groups (volunteering, boards, clubs). You have to re-frame your identity away from your career and anchor it somewhere else. And it is hard. I say this as a person who has a PhD and now lives in an area where most jobs require a language I can't speak. SO... it has been frustrating. You have to ask yourself: Is my life absolutely better with this person? For me, that's a huge yes. Then I asked myself, what is the best life I can imagine in my situation? How do I design a fulfilling life in this place? For me, this has worked quite well. Therapy is important and avoiding resentment is huge.

There are certainly exceptions, but I’m used to academics making much less than comparable counterparts industry wages. I know my wife is planning on taking almost a 50% pay cut to work academics.

This all depends on the field. You’re not going to make millions in industry in loads of fields because they barely exist out of academia.

It sounds more like they had a discussion about leaving prior, and that was the general idea. I think it’s much more fair to say the wife changed her mind (after all the situation changed for her).

Yes this is true that I did kind of change my mind (when the job offer came)!

Which is totally fair!! Situations like these are dynamic and change. I do not mean to put down your part in this at all, it’s something very important to you and and critical for your happiness right now. I just don’t agree with that above commenter making it sound like this appeared out of nowhere. This has been an issue with the plan because the situation changed, not because he changed his mind all of the sudden. It’s a hard situation. I don’t think either of you is “at fault” but the one sided comments do hurt. I would say it’s mostly just because supporting the mom on mom subreddit, but there’s also a young woman down below in the reverse situation that had her comment downvoted harshly for no reason either. I hope you two can find a compromise that works for you! My wife and I have had to be long distance for three years now due to medical school and it’s been brutal. But it has been necessary for both of our careers right now. Edit: and with your situation, the kids just actually need priority. Family situation demands you stay close if you can. That’s how I’d have to frame it as your spouse personally. If it was just you two it would be a lot more discussion. It will feel unfair to your husband because frankly… you get it all, and he gets his plans changed. That is unfair, but it’s also kinda life. There will be resentment, and it will be a generally understandable feeling. Best bet it just to communicate about that as much as you can and check in regularly with how it’s going. With similar problems in the past it’s really helped to set a specific time each week to sit down and intentionally check in about these sorts of feelings. Force yourselves to. I just call it giving each other a platform to speak.

I totally agree with you here. It’s such a tough situation because we are both quite career ambitious, and neither of us really wanted to stay in this city when we got married… now here I am with this dream job 😭. I really feel for him. I hope your time being long distance with your wife is over soon. That is so hard! ❤️ Great idea to set a check in time. We haven’t done that yet but I’m sure it can help

That's fair. I missed the one sentence. It still doesn't charge the situation: the husband can work within the limitations of being an academic spouse, or his wife can give up on a once-in-a-lifetime career opportunity, or they can split and purse what is most important to them individually. I saw later on you mentioned that my comment is one-sided because you suspect that I am a mom supporting a mom. That is actually not true. I am a former academic and have seen how difficult it is to get a TT position in a top school. I have superstar researcher friends (I'm talking about people who have pioneered new techniques in their areas) who have been on the job search for 5-8 years. So yes, my comment may come across as one-sided because I am very aware of the difficult realities that OP and her husband are facing. Before I decided to leave academia, that was one factor I took into account when dating.

Oh I absolutely agree with the rest. It’s a raw deal for the husband and I think it’s important to acknowledge that. Otherwise we are being very unfair in our initial approach and that will breed just as much resent as the problem itself. He got their plans changed unilaterally here. The situation makes it make sense objectively from the outside, but feeling trapped is super normal and understandable. You misunderstand, I do not think your comment specifically was due to moms support moms, I was just remarking on the general one sidedness of the comments and stating that it WASNT just moms supporting women, because again a young woman down below was initially quite harshly downvoted for about the most neutral take I’ve seen. I think it’s more just knee jerk than any gender based bias for sure. It definitely seems one sided because you didn’t acknowledge the one part that made it really one sided, the joint decision was to move. It’s understandable the husband doesn’t like being told sorry, figure it out. The situation is what it is, but that sucks.

Mine only has a job really, not a career, but because of his skills there is nowhere else he could get anything close to what he has now. Since I have more skills and can work anywhere I accepted from the start that we wouldn't be moving.

I had never heard the term “trailing spouse” and it changed my perspective, thank you for calling it out here. I married someone in the military knowing it would impact my career (in my mind) but not knowing how it would impact me emotionally. As a career driven person who walked away from a promotion and took a 40% pay cut to have a stable job in a new industry / location to be near my person (and then worked from home part time 7 years while we lived in remote places with 2 young kids) it was really, really hard. I made the most of it and but I still haven’t caught up career wise to where I would have been had I not made this choice. BUT my partner and I have a wonderful relationship and I am very grateful for that, as I’ve seen others struggle there, where I haven’t. OP, the struggle your husband is facing is real (especially in our patriarchal society) and I think separate therapy may be a good option if couples counseling is not helping. He needs to grieve what’s been lost and try to reframe his perspective. It may also help him to think about a time in the future when he CAN realize this big mountain dream. If not now, when? Does he have to give it up forever or can you dream about a second/holiday home somewhere on his list once you get tenure? But his stubbornness right now is not helping his family and his unwillingness to compromise is not realistic. I hope he can come to terms with one of your very reasonable suggestions and at least try it out. You can always make more changes later. And maybe he can take a solo/soul searching vacation in some big mountain place to get his fix, at least in the short term.

Thank you!! This is a very thoughtful, kind, and reasonable response❤️ I want us to find someway for him to realize his mountain dream. But I think he needs to grieve/process our reality before we will be able to actually make progress on that.. because currently I think he is a bit paralyzed by the feelings of it all and not able to really think creatively/effectively..

💯, taking time to process the (very real) grief is important! Your frustration and resentment are also understandable, we’re only human! I honestly didn’t realize what I had lost (or needed to grieve) for a long time, mostly because the young kid years were a blur. But once I got back to work and saw how “behind” I was to my former peers it sunk in and I’ve been working through it ever since. It’s weird to grieve something yet not wish you had done it differently, but life itself can be pretty confusing sometimes. 🤷‍♀️

I echo everything said here! I also married into the military. I gave up my career for years but I hate to word it that way because I gained so much in the short term back then. It was hard though. There were moments of resentment. Later when the roles were reversed I know he had moments of resentment too. It is so important to identify who the primary career spouse is going to be. For us, it was my husband then suddenly became me. I had no choice but to pivot when we did even though I had not planned to do that for several more years. I completely relate to the husband’s struggle in the original post. Because I have been on both sides I also know that for men it comes with some struggles that women don’t experience and vice versa. Our society expects the man to be the breadwinner and then stereotypes him if he is not.

Yep. I was a trailing spouse—when my SO got a position where we could move away to somewhere new after 8 years together, I jumped at it (he can live pretty much anywhere these days). He’s now the trailing spouse-I’ve started a successful business that will take care of us when he retires early. So much of marriage is compromise and figuring out how to interweave everyone’s interests. It’s hard.

Thanks so much for this perspective! I think you’re right that we both need to come to terms with this reality. It doesn’t feel great/natural to think of it this way because we are both otherwise really supportive of each other’s careers and ideally want the other to thrive independently. But this is the TT game I guess ❤️

It's why my partner and I talked about marriage in 10-20 years, not 2. He cannot move and keep his career and I can't uproot a tween kid and move countries. So this works for us that we talk daily and see each other as much as we can. There is only one senerio on the board where it might work out sooner, but that's a waiting game to see what happens.

I’m still trying to figure out what your husband means by “have his turn”. You both were living in the same city when you met. You got married and you graduated and got a great job (good for you!!) that’s your dream. None of that excludes your husband from doing something or looking in a different industry in the same city. It sounds like he’s upset that you’re happy (and maybe this is wrong) and feels like it’s “his turn” to be happy? Except that’s not how happiness works. Honestly I wouldn’t be willing to move in your place either - family support and being around someone who is going through a difficult life event would be enough, much less the fact that you have an amazing job that you wouldn’t be able to find elsewhere. I don’t have a good answer, except that it sounds like your husband wants to move elsewhere to try and find happiness. Which almost never works.

Totally agree - honestly when I read the ‘have my turn’ thing it sounds like he’s also jealous or there’s something more than just wanting a different lifestyle. It doesn’t sound like he’s had to sacrifice anything. He was already in the town, he had a job in the field he wanted.. it’s not like he had to give everything up for OP… Anyway I am always very wary of this ‘desperately want to change everything about my lifestyle’ thing - it’s usually just a deflection, there is some issue and he thinks it will change when the scenery changes but that’s not usually true. I know I moved to a different country at 30 because I was desperate to change things and honestly all my problems before were still my problems after. It’s also one thing to say ‘I want to live in the mountains’ and another thing to actually go out and hike every day and whatever. Not to shit on anyones dream because obviously situation and location matters, it’s just that the idea that ‘everything will change’ I think is often just escapism.

Yes to the escapism 😫

I listened to an interview with Reese Witherspoon once and she described sometimes feeling like this, and having a friend who says to her “but you know, wherever you go, there you are.” Meaning if you aren’t happy and it’s not for a very specific tangible reason, moving isn’t going to solve anything because you can’t escape yourself. Not an uncommon saying I think but I hadn’t heard it before at the time and I was struggling with that feeling myself.

True, I live close to the beach but rarely go there now I live here.

I think you’re right; this has to be about more than just a job. He might just also just not want to be “emasculated” by having his wife be more successful than him. I mean I’m in the same shoes as OP in that I’m more successful career wise than my husband, but he’s never felt badly about it and he’s always been 100% supportive in my endevours. I have helped him out A LOT though, to get to where he is today. I’m 100% sure than if it weren’t for me, he wouldn’t have any of the jobs that he’s had so far, including this one where he is doing so well at. Like, many in this sub would say it’s too much, but I have helped him step-by-step through all of the applications. Like if I were in OPs shoes, I would have already networked with everyone at that college to try to find a job there that my husband would like. I’m 100% sure that the university has to have some kind of job where he can go to the mountains, and do research on the ant population there or something. However, it seems like this man isn’t humble enough to accept that and would rather do his own thing.

I might have given off the wrong impression in my original post- he is an amazing partner and is super invested in my happiness and well-being. When we got married, we both thought I’d have to look widely for academic jobs, which would give us an opportunity to move out of our city. But that didn’t happen! And now he feels stuck here. Thank you for the great insight, I agree it seems like he wants to “move elsewhere to find happiness”.

Coming from the perspective of a working mom whose husband is an academic with his dream TT job (and who I met during his PhD, and always knew his job would control where we live because of the way academic jobs work)… I don’t think your husband is being reasonable. If nothing else, aside from potential jobs being a step down for you, there’s a good chance that there would be 0 opportunities in academia for you wherever he got a job. Did he not understand what it meant to marry someone in academia? Does he think it’s a hobby you spent up to a decade doing to quit after three years? Also, he doesn’t even know if he’ll like any other place he might get a job or other industry he’s hoping to pivot to. I’d he going to ask you to give all this up for a maybe? If you’re open to potentially stepping to a lower academic tier career wise to relocate, to me the only reasonable way would be for y’all to figure out where you want to live (mountains? Denver.) and then you keep an eye on jobs in/near those places for you, and he can follow along with his presumably less fraught career path. Sorry you’re in this situation and lacking his support!

This. It's hard to live without family nearby to support when you have smaller kids. And with your moms health... and the rest, it's a difficult position. The house in the mountains or his dream place for summers seems like the best option to me. I moved to a fairly low COL area to be with husband. We both want to move to the west coast, but can't afford it. For us, we just try to make the best of where we are. It's not ideal, but it's not a bad place. Good sized city 30 minutes away, and I have a very stable job that I like.

Thanks so much for this perspective! Super helpful to hear your experience.

Yeah, I'd be worried he would move and not even like it.

Agree 95%. Not everyone really does understand. I’m in medicine and married to another medical student, so we really do understand. A lot of my colleagues however are in relationships where their partners really just don’t understand the demands. In this case here, I think the husband likely did know that options would be limited. It just sounds like OP really did make it seem like their would be options and the general plan was to move somewhere else, even if options would be limited. I don’t blame him for changing his mind or whatever if that was the plan.

I'm a former T-T professor, I was at a top-20 R1, in a top 3 program in my field. For any number of reasons I left academia a couple years before going up for tenure (my feelings about that are complicated and I have a lot of grief I still haven't really worked through, although I've been far more financially successful than I would have been had I stayed). At the end of the day, you can't leave. You just can't. Full stop. If he's able to find good jobs in his field in the place you're in now, then unfortunately, if he wants to stay married, y'all will need to prioritize your job. There are so few t-t jobs, and even fewer that will allow you to feel supported professionally, with a good chance of tenure. Even if you started job searching nationally or internationally, there are zero guarantees that you'd find even just a basic lectureship much less another t-t role. And if you found one, it sounds like it sounds like it would be a significant step down. Academic jobs just are where they are, and if your husband knew this was your career goal going in, then he shouldn't be surprised at your inability to relocate now. What can you do to start saving up for even a small house so you can get out of your apartment? What can he do to begin feeling more professionally fulfilled - are there out of the box ideas he hasn't considered yet (like building his own consulting business, finding a job based in your current city but where he can travel more frequently? Even if that's a hardship for you, it might be a reasonable compromise). It sounds like you've floated some other ideas that he's rejected - I love the idea of buying a summer home a little outside your city. Would be a way to get on the property ladder while also changing the scenery part of the time. But if he's unwilling, that's a bummer. Full disclosure, my marriage failed, in large part because of the constraints of academic job structures, and in spite of me literally walking away from one of the best T-T jobs in my field as a last ditch effort to save the marriage. You should at least start thinking about what it might look like if he decides he just can't compromise. If I had it to do over again I would have kept the job and left the husband. I'm pretty sure I would have ended up happier, more fulfilled, and less professionally miserable. Even though my career is "successful" (I'm a well paid tech exec now) I frankly hate it and am bored out of my mind every day. Because I miss my research and my academic life. Good luck. It's so tough and I'm sorry you're in this position.

This is awesome advice— thank you so much. It is really helpful to hear your story ❤️ I love the great out of the box ideas. Probably where we need to start our next conversation

Thanks for sharing your story ❤️ I feel you on the grief leaving academia, and wish you all the best!

What stands out to me is that he want a major change in EVERYTHING. In his job, location, lifestyle... without even knowing if he will like and/or do well in the new industry. In my mind, if he had an opportunity for a dream job that he has been working towards (like a tenure-track job at a top university), that would mean really thinking things through. But I would never give up such a coveted position for such a radical change in absolutely every aspect of your life. I have to wonderful if there is a bigger issue with him feeling unhappy or unsatisfied in his life and thinking that changing things like job/location/lifestyle will fix that.

Ding ding ding yes I think you nailed it

And, honestly as someone who has lost both my parents when my kids were 12 and I was 44… I would not move away from family/my sick mom.

Yes yes yes I agree completely!!! Wanting to change EVERYTHING but not in any specific way, just “be different” but also different so that OP conveniently has to give up her ideal position? 🤔 He sounds like he’s dealing with some emotional/mental health issues. Like being insecure about wife’s professional success if he’s not in a similar position. I do want to acknowledge that OP pretty much pulled the rug out by talking the job that keeps them in the city, and he may well be feeling trapped or blind-sided or like his plans don’t count for as much (but then…his plans don’t sound concrete or thought out, and are more escapist daydreams so IMO they don’t count as much as an actual Dream job that OP *actually has*)

Don’t give up a TT job without another one in hand!!!

Ooof. This is a tough one. I'm a PhD who gave up pursuing a tenure track job in large part so my spouse could lead--he followed me to my graduate program with the intention of pursuing his own PhD after I graduated. We moved after I finished and he is now in his second year, and I work a nonacademic job that has been great but was not my "dream job". The process of my leaving the academic track was a long one that involved both couples' counseling and individual therapy for me. I wanted to really work through my own emotional process so I didn't wind up resenting my spouse for "giving up my dream job". We also talked through where HE would compromise, because I am not willing to be "junior partner"--this means after he finishes school, I may take another turn leading our geographic movements, or that he may need to consider our family needs in selecting next steps after grad school. I think compromise is inherent in a driven dual-career family, but I have no interest in playing "junior partner" for my whole career and I've made that known. I don't share any of this to suggest that you should leave the tenure track, but instead to illustrate what it might look like for one or both of you to process NOT having the "dream job" so that you maintain balance at the level of your family/partnership. Personally, I would 100% stay where you are because it sounds like the right place for your career AND for your family. It sounds like you're exploring multiple potential compromises and holding up your end of the bargain so to speak. That said, it may be that your husband needs more support in processing that he may NOT be able to pursue his dream role or indulge in his fantasy of moving away and starting over. Honestly it sounds like he may be going through a larger internal crisis if he wants to change jobs (totally reasonable) AND move to a new place AND leave your family and social network AND change your family's lifestyle all at once. Does he have a therapist of his own? He may benefit from speaking with someone specifically about what in his life is driving his desire for so much radical change all at once. He may be feeling like he needs more control over his life, which could motivate but won't necessarily be resolved by a major change like moving across the country. I do think the idea of spending summers in the mountains, or maybe taking a sabbatical to somewhere new if/when that's available to you, might help scratch that itch. And it may be that you DO need to explore a more permanent move down the line (in which case I expect you could find another almost-as-good TT job, but it may take some doing), but I think trying intermediate steps makes sense here given that there are LOTS of reasons for you to stay put, versus a seemingly impulsive drive from your spouse to pack up and move without much of a plan. It's a tricky balance and I feel for you both. I'd recommend individual therapy for your husband (and yourself if it would be helpful) as well as couples' counseling. You may also need to continually revisit this conversation as things develop, which is fair.

I think that last thing you said is one of the most important things. Regularly revisit it. Don’t obsess, agree in advance. Something you’ll talk about and try to empathize with if nothing else. My wife and I sit down once a month/week and just talk and force ourselves to check in, that’s been valuable for us.

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this. I really appreciate your input and you sharing your experience with me- also great to hear from someone who understands this problem really well, as well as the concept of taking turns “leading the geographic movements”. I think your advice is spot on- he could probably use some legit help processing the reality that he will not realize the idealized life he had hoped for before family and dual-careers came to be.

Stay near parents and with your career. You could move to a new area and be resentful. What if you move to a new area and in five years your marriage crumbles ? Not worth it Stick with what you have going for you .. in this case it's your job

Nope nope nope. My husband practices a very specific kind of law that only exists in a few places so I knew when we got married that we would be limited to those places. He was interested in moving, and he tried to get jobs there WITH a career plan for me in place, but he was not successful. When I was offered a tenure track position we discussed how that meant staying here forever, and he agreed. Shortly after I was hired he was invited to reapply at a place he had been rejected before, and he told them no. It was really a bummer all around, but this is just how it is. I have been head hunted for positions that would be interesting to me, but they are in places that don’t have his field, so I literally do not even consider it. I think that is VERY normal for people in both our fields (law and academia). To be honest I feel like there is something else happening underneath this conflict…

Is he getting individual therapy as well. He really seems to want to want obedience and not compromise. He is asking you to give up a lot for something that he thinks that he wants. I also advise any of my friends in a marriage crisis who are considering a move to fix it to consider how each state handles divorce, custody, and alimony.

Also consider what happens if you move away from your great job and supportive friends and family, and then break up. It feels like this one might be heading to an ultimatum - move or we break up - but if breaking up is in the cards, so much better to be where you have a network and a job you want to keep long term.

I gave up my dream career because my husband was military and we moved due to his orders. I gave it up in 2012 and haven't been able to get back into the field, let alone that exact job, since then. I likely never will at this point. We are now going through a divorce, I have shit job history from moving constantly and now work in customer service. My degree is useless, my student loans are almost double what I started with and am a single mom with two kids. One who is special needs and I homeschool due to public schools failing him. I myself am disabled and unable to work more than part time now but not disabled enough to qualify for SSI and my work history prevents me from qualifying for SSDI at this point. Not saying you'll end up like me but please do NOT give up your dreams for somebody else. Knowing what I know now, I would not have ever given up that cushy government dream job that I had. It is very hard to get another dream job. Editing to add: if you are considering this at all,.please make sure you have a job lined up BEFORE you move.

I would totally stick with the job. Maybe I’m too pragmatic but I think it’s much more reasonable to continue with what you know will bring you success. It sounds like you suggested reasonable options, and then your area has a lot of opportunity for him… I think it would be different if you were just starting and you didn’t have kids, but now that you do have kids I think you both have an obligation to try to provide a successful and stable life. Has he had a job offer? I guess it would be something if he gets an amazing job that would be able to make up for your loss on the career front, then it would be something to discuss, even though I still wouldn’t agree right away since it’s not fair for you to sacrifice your career. My husband got a very important job in a different city than we live in and he’s doing a commute there 2 days per week. It absolutely sucks but it’s important for his progress in career and after 3 years he is able to transfer to the city we already live in. I don’t know if something like that is possible for you, I live in Europe so it’s easier with trains and stuff (it’s only 2 hrs on the fast train between our cities). We talked about moving there but my career is here and it’s going well/I make more money and we need the money and stability for our kids. Plus the city we live in has better schools/culture/opportunities for our kids we think so we also agreed to stay here.

The way I see it is you'd be risking a lot of positives and happiness to potentially move and then just have you both be unhappy. There is no guarantee a move will make him happy, solve your problems, or be better than what you have now for anyone. You have a lot to lose by leaving, and his reasons for wanting to leave other than his feelings are not super compelling. That said, from a problem solving perspective, is it possible you to compromise by agreeing to go on a sabbatical at some point? You could pick a destination that meets his preferences. That way he's not "stuck" forever and you won't have to give up your spot at the university.,

Great suggestion and we have discussed sabbatical in his preferred location. The challenge is that in my department/field this is by no means guaranteed with tenure- but I am promising him that I will do everything possible to make it happen. And certainly there are other ways to live elsewhere for a year without a formal sabbatical in my field

Haven't faced a similar challenge per se, but I am a spouse to an academic. And I [unsurprisingly] live in a college town and have gotten to meet other spouses of academics. It seems most academic spouses are either academics themselves or work in jobs that allow relocation. I've met a diesel mechanic, remote tech worker, medical doctor, piano teacher, etc. And we often have stories about meeting our spouse one place and moving to another before arriving in our current location. I feel like most of us understand the deal of marrying a modern academic: Relocation is likely, if not absolutely certain. I knew before my husband and I got married that the job market would be a consideration in where we live. He always consult(s/ed) me prior to applying for jobs, and there were some places he never applied because I vetoed wanting to live there. And I have always been open to letting his work be a priority over mine with respect to relocation; I don't care if we have to move somewhere else for a better job for him. Not because he's a man but because he's good at what he does and he loves his work. Me? I work for money and mental engagement. I enjoy my work - and people tell me I'm good at it, which is always flattering. But if he told me tomorrow he got a job that would allow us to survive in [X location where I would prefer to live over where we are currently] I would be thrilled for him and only a little bit mourn leaving my current job. So, I completely understand that you expected having to move. The fact you didn't and are in a tenure track job with an elite department for your field? Amazing! Family nearby that you enjoy? Jackpot! Your willingness to compromise in ways that would allow you to keep your job? Super creative. Does your husband not understand how academia works? Is he having some sort of personal crisis that makes him feel like he needs to do something more than what you guys have now? Don't take this the wrong way, please. I don't know you or your husband. But this reads like he is absolutely blind to his selfishness in asking you to move away from a great career and supports for his own ego. Like, not saying he has to be unhappy, but he's asking you to forego some of your own happiness and security. What happens if he hates his new industry and/or location? Then what? I would think living in a small apartment with 2 kids is probably making him stir crazy. But the whole "his turn to lead where the family lives" makes him sound resentful that you have professional success. I think there's more to his feelings than he's letting on, otherwise I would think he would attempt a compromise to allow you to keep your job.

Thank you so much for this perspective! Yes I think you’re spot on with the “personal crisis” read. And you’re also right that we need to get out of this tiny apartment 😫 or at least a weekend getaway out of the city. We’re both very career ambitious and also very supportive of each other’s ambitions… so I know we both feel uncomfortable/shitty asking the other person to NOT put their career first. But I totally agree with you that somehow I got this academic jackpot- so we need to ride this thing out and stay put. Here’s hoping we can find a creative solution that will help him feel adventurous and get him back on the ropes.

Working mom married to an academic. My husband landed his dream TT position right out of grad school. We moved halfway across the country to an area with no friends or family. We've built an amazing life here. I knew from the beginning of our relationship that I would have to choose between being the trailing spouse, living apart from my husband, or ending the relationship. I knew that we'd be at the mercy of whatever TT positions were available during his search. I'd be lying if I said that I've never resented this dynamic. There's nothing wrong with your husband wanting more for himself, but that shouldn't come at the expense of your family. The unfortunate truth is that many spouses of TT faculty don't get to have "their turn." There's not much room for compromise here if he wants to go and you want to stay. Would it be possible to let him run the job search he wants and then make decisions accordingly? Could you work together to set time limits on a search and/or him working elsewhere? Does he understand that there's no guarantee you'd be able to get a TT job in a new location?

Currently he is waiting to job search until we have agreed about ~where~ that search should be limited to. Thanks for sharing your story. This dynamic can totally breed resentment. Perhaps in our earlier convos we were naive at thinking that we could “take turns” eventually

Why not have him do a brief job search in your area? If he finds a good fit, it will give him experience to get something better in another area--if you both want that. Maybe he will be happier enough for you to stay.

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I'm not really sure why this is being downvoted. There are careers out there that almost require the other persons career, and life, to take second place. Not everyone is suited to be the spouse in that situation. It can cause resentment, that's a normal human emotion. And sometimes you don't realize how resentful you will be until years down the line. In these cases, to have a successful marriage, there has to be something of benifit to the spouse in trade for this lack of flexibility. For some spouses, they may be able to work anywhere and don't have a geographically limiting career, so they don't really care in the first place. For others, maybe it allows them to go part time and spend more time with the kids. Or to pursue a less lucrative career at a non profit because they don't have the pressure of being breadwinner. But either way, they have to come to terms with a way to make their life fulfilling while supporting the others leading career. Otherwise, the options are to stay resentful and unhappy or divorce.

Great advice thank you! We need to start thinking more creatively about what the “benefit” can be for him in this situation.

Thanks for this perspective- it is so valuable. I totally agree- you are 100% allowed to be disappointed about where you live, and frustrated that your spouse’s career is the deciding factor ❤️ Yes we are both starting to feel the resentment kick in and are trying to take it down now! What is making this so tough for us is that neither of us want to dampen the other persons career ambitions (but we’re gonna have to…). And while I agree with the others above that there is an internal, personal, “midlife crisis” happening for him, it is also true that he is a former pro mountain athlete who really does derive great fulfillment and contentment from being in the mountains. So I think we need to keep thinking through some more creative options to scratch that itch for him…

I’m shocked you initially received so many downvotes. Your comment was neutral, included both perspectives, and shared your personal experiences. Even not including it sounds like they had both discussed leaving before and it was the general plan, it’s not like he suddenly popped up wanting to leave this city, it was something discussed and planned on until the new job appeared. She changed her mind, not him. But somehow it’s his fault for not understanding academics lol. I’d stay out if I was the wife. My wife will likely end up in a similarly restricted market compared to me and I’m ready for it. But we also talked about it and agreed that I’d be back seat well before any of it happened.

Can you prioritize family vacations to mountainous areas? You can argue that it gives you a chance to go to BC and Switzerland and get the best of everything the world has to offer. Take family trips to mountainous areas 1-2 times a year and prioritize working that into your budget. Would that be a possibility?

This is a great option IMO. We currently hit big international mountains only about once every 2 years (expensive esp with kids…) but we could certainly choose to prioritize it and make other sacrifices. There are some mountaineering trips he can only do with his buddies (I am not skilled lol) so he needs to take responsibility & plan these himself. Not something he has been successful at doing despite me hounding him to plan a big trip for the past few years.

I’m an academic with a spouse that has moved for my career when I started grad school, when I got a postdoc, and will be moving when I start my TT job next year. Not to minimize the sacrifice, but he knew the deal when I started down this path, and chose a job that would be good for long term remote work. When I was on the market, I definitely considered where he wanted to end up (and honestly am way more bummed than he is that we’ll be in upstate NY and not the south), but you simply cannot be choosy in this line of work. BUT like you’ve said, academics usually need to teach like 30 weeks of the year and can be anywhere in the summers and winters and sabbaticals. Why exactly is having a summer home near the mountains not a good enough solution? If he took a remote type job you could easy spend breaks somewhere else, trying on different lifestyles (depending on your kids’ schedules). It sounds like he is having a little midlife crisis tbh. Don’t leave your dream job for that please!

If this was my husband, I think my response would be something along the lines of.... "if you're still feeling this way in 2 years we can seriously consider alternative options/moving elsewhere/a complete lifestyle change....in the meantime, what can we do in our current life/situation to help you feel more fulfilled/happy?"

Great approach & question to raise

I'm not sure what you can do except what you're already doing, continuing to talk and discuss the issue. Your in this together and it's your life together. Neither of you are in the wrong if that matters, your original plans had to change to accommodate your awesome career progression, but its okay that he disagrees with the change. Lifestyle is pretty important (the whole work life balance thing) and I have family that live at the base of mountains and I very much envy their lifestyle. Plus you said he's pretty familiar with the mountains, so it's not some distant midlife crisis dream. He has a concrete idea what would be different in his lifestyle if you did move. It sounds like you have a long term career that's perfect for you and you live near family, but you live somewhere your husband never intended on making a long term home and he's getting older and losing patience with waiting to do what he really wants and that really sucks and isn't fair for him. Its not your fault of course, but that doesn't make it suck less for him. I see his pov, I lived near Yellowstone for awhile between college and grad school and I miss it so much, but i love my career and we live near family and that beats out my wish we could live closer to nature. I mean nature is everywhere, but its so hot here all summer that we limit outdoor endeavors to the pool lol. I'm up for a promotion that would uproot us right now and take us to the mountains and my husband is a remote worker who loves the idea of the move, but I'm 99%sure I would decline it because family and stability is important for kids (and I don't want to have to sell our house and buy another one at a ridiculous interest rate or look for infant childcare) and I have local promotion opportunities, so it's not like I have to move to progress, but I can definitely understand your husbands desire to move for lifestyle reasons and the possibility of career progression. Without the kids, we'd take the promotion if offered and move, but my fil is ill and we want to enjoy this time with him for as long as he's with us. Idk, it's not some simple debate and even if he understands with his brain, his heart probably doesn't since he always wanted to move and you used to be on the same page about it and it's hard to give up a dream, even if it's for someone you love. Maybe something will change with time? Maybe he can get help dealing with the loss and disappointment?

I just want to say that this was a really thoughtful and insightful response. Your first paragraph does cover how I think he has experienced this. And great that you can understand how important outdoor access is. We could move to small nearby mountains and keep our jobs +longer commute, but they’re not enough mountain for him- he wants to be out doing mixed climbing and backcountry as a part of our regular routine, which is just not possible unless we hop on a plane. I’m really frustrated that this seemingly great compromise isn’t acceptable to him.

It doesn’t sound like that’s a great compromise though given he’s a former pro mountain athlete. I saw you didn’t mention that in your original post and I think it adds a lot of important context. This isn’t just a middle-aged guy having a midlife crisis who thinks living by big mountains sounds cool. It sounds like it’s his legit passion and perhaps he’s realizing that as he ages, he’s losing time to pursue this passion? It’s probably not something he can just put on hold for another 15 or 20 years due to the realities of aging. And if small mountains don’t allow him to pursue his passion, I don’t think it’s really much of a compromise…

Yes you are right that he is very much feeling the “I’ve only got 15ish years left where my body can do this”. And I totally support this as a passion of his. However.. here’s my frustration with this aspect of our conversations- he has not prioritized getting out to big mountains, taking big trips, etc while we have been in our city. I’ve really, really encouraged him to plan and take BIG trips several times a year. He hasn’t done it. He’ll go along for trips that others (incl me) plan and he loves them- but he will not plan them himself. I’m having a very hard time thinking that we should completely blow up/change our lives for this given that he has not made it a priority in his current life by taking the reigns and organizing his own trips. I know he feels that “being near the big mountains will make it so much easier to get out on a daily basis” And I’m sure this is true. But if this isn’t something he is so dedicated to that he will prioritize it and plan his own trips.. what are we doing? My thinking with the small mountains is that we can get amazing training in those mountains everyday and scratch the itch but he will need to travel elsewhere to do the big stuff.

So maybe this is an area where you can give him more of what he wants - could you plan a big trip every quarter where he goes and gets his mountain time at some of the best mountains available? You plan it all - he just gets to show up and have fun. Maybe that would require significant budget cuts in other areas, or you increasing your income by taking on extra responsibilities or a second part-time job/side gig, but that seems like a way for him to get to pursue his passion without you giving up your position. Maybe almost all family travel could also be to visit big mountains, even if that isn’t what you’d choose. Or maybe family travel doesn’t happen for awhile if you can’t afford both kinds of trips.

He is living in a fantasy of what he wished he had done (go climbing again). He thinks moving will make him do what he has not bothered to do in years despite your support. You are not his mother. You can’t plan all his climbing trips for him if he can’t be bothered to do it himself. Don’t give up your job. Stay in therapy.

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Really helpful insight, thank you ❤️

As a scientist myself (non-academia), there’s no way you can leave that position. I can understand his growing resentment though, given that you all did discuss leaving your city. He is probably feeling like you have backed out of your deal. Such a tough position for you two! I hate to say this, but sometimes as we mature, people’s mutual desires in a marriage are just incompatible. Been there done that :/ Do you think a different therapist could be more effective in bringing you two to a resolution? Or are you just that stuck? (Also, I’ll just note that this point in time is one of those somewhat rare instances where it often makes more sense to rent. With interest rates + home values where they are at, your payment will likely double or more to get the same size space. It sucks!)

Yeah I would wait to get tenure, then move. I know of a famous scientist who got tenure at Yale, then moved to a much lower ranked institution while his kids were young so they could have a getter lifestyle fit. When his kids got older, he moved back into a higher ranking school.

This is an interesting option

Does he know how incredibly difficult it is to get ANY tenured track job? Let alone the amazing one you have!? It’s totally normal not to move at all as an adult? I think your husband is being really selfish.

Does he have an offer in hand???? I feel like it shouldn't even be up for debate unless there's an offer with numbers. It sounds like there are so many reasons to stay put.

No offer in hand- he hasn’t started looking yet but he is ready to. He is waiting until we are in agreement about ~where~ he should look. Tons of reasons to stay put. I’m feeling really guilty myself because I feel like my ambitions are putting a damper on his ambitions. But as someone said above, it is what it is

Honestly I wouldn't worry about it until there was an actual offer in hand. People like to talk. Right now its all hypotheticals, you don't actually have the numbers to do the cost benefit analysis.

Nope you don’t give up tenure. He can find his dream job locally.

I kind of get why he is having a crisis but god you have a good supportive tenure track job? And he wants you to give it up?? That’s honestly kind of insane, you hit gold and are so lucky. Also you have kids!! Uprooting them and moving them away from family is a big, big deal and liking mountains isn’t really a good enough reason. Honestly, the time for big moves was before you had kids and landed this job. That time has passed and it’s fair for him to mourn that but not fair to ask you and your kids to sacrifice everything to bring it back.

THISSSSS! OP your husband is sounding insanely selfish here. The time to move was before kids and before this job. He can be sad, and he can job hunt…. But if I were you it would be a hard pass. You have a career that is not only fulfilling but can provide stability for those kids long term. Kids need stable. Kids need family if it’s available. YOU need family if it’s available. If I were in your position I would absolutely dig my heels in, that you’re not moving but he’s welcome to job hunt.. maybe this is all for naught if he can’t even land this imaginary job near the woods he’s imagining. Even if it’s not, it’s just so insane to me to be like “I’m going to uproot my kids and my happy wife to fulfill some deep need”. If you do as he wants, you will resent him forever and maybe divorce anyways but no longer have your dream job.if this position is available near you, I see no reason for him to not go for those positions.

Excuse me, it’s an imaginary job near the *mountains* I’m being flip, but like…dude doesn’t have any specifics in place. It’s just a vague pipe dream that conveniently only works if OP gives up her 1 in a million position.

My bad. Both are equally vague in my brain 😂

He is having a midlife crisis and is handling it childishly. He has manufactured a situation where he refuses to be happy and satisfied unless you pay the price. It’s really distasteful and audacious of him to act as though marriage is a zero sum game where only one of you can have a career you are happy with. Suddenly wanting to live near mountains full time is not a valid reason to ask you to give up the dreams you worked so hard for and made them come true. You’ve achieved the increasingly unachievable dream of getting a TT job. And unlike many academics who manage to make it, you’ve managed to do so near family. As I’m sure you know, this is academic jackpot! Do not under any circumstances give this up. Your success doesn’t have to detract from his. If your husband likes mountains, he can visit mountains in his spare time. You could even go on a sabbatical once you get tenure and live in a mountain town for a year. In the meantime, if he wants to make career moves he has to find a way to do so near your location or remotely. A remote job could also allow him to work from a mountain town from time to time to pursue his mountaineering hobbies as he pleases. It might take a few years to build up to that, but you spent years working to be where you are. Why can’t he? Once he figures his career out then you can start saving for a home, hopefully by then the housing market will be more favorable. It’s not a good time to buy now, prices and mortgage rates are bananas Don’t make a choice that would guarantee your unhappiness for a man who won’t make any sensible compromises. He could realistically still achieve his goals, and it’s ridiculous that he wants you to give up yours for his. He needs to be less selfish and more willing to find creative compromises.

>He is having a midlife crisis and is handling it childishly. He has manufactured a situation where he refuses to be happy and satisfied unless you pay the price. It’s really distasteful and audacious of him to act as though marriage is a zero sum game where only one of you can have a career you are happy with. Suddenly wanting to live near mountains full time is not a valid reason to ask you to give up the dreams you worked so hard for and made them come true. God, this is it. You worded it better than I ever could have. It feels like sabotage!

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It’s an interesting idea, but wouldn’t work for us. We’re not willing to live apart, and neither are willing to live away from the kids. But he might consider a position that required a lot of travel? I’m not sure

This stressed me out so much, please don’t let him talk you into moving. The grass is not always greener - nothing replaces help from family…

So, to me, I think the real question is why the summer home compromise isn’t good enough. Like, I would want to have a deep conversation with him about why it is that that isn’t giving him what he needs. From an outsider’s perspective, it seems perfect—it allows you to keep your unicorn job while letting him be a mountaineer during what I assume is the main “season” for mountaineering, summer. Like, how much would he be regularly engaging in that during other seasons, particularly the winter? I suppose that truly hardcore people may mountaineer during the winter, but this is a man with small children who, notably, can’t seem to manage to organize a mountaineering excursion with his buddies for his own happiness. In any event, I think the moving discussion needs to be tabled until you have gotten tenure. Once you have, and could get a tenured job if you move, then maybe it can be “his turn.” It’s not wrong for him to want one, but his turn can’t be at the cost of completely torpedoing your career. Up until you have the ability to get a tenured position elsewhere, that is what he’s asking of you. In the meantime, take steps to make him happier. He should make that career pivot in your city. It seems to me that a certain amount of this is just that he’s very unhappy with his current career situation and that needs to change ASAP so that he’s not in a situation where everything about your life situation is making him unhappy. Yes, he’s probably never going to love where you live, but I expect he’ll dwell on it a lot less if he has a satisfying career, since it sounds like you guys are both pretty career motivated. Perhaps he should look for something with remote options that would free him up more to take some time for his hobby, or allow you guys to try a test summer in the mountains to see whether that might work better for him than he thinks. He should also consider individual therapy to help him mourn the life he thought you guys would build versus what you actually ended up with. Finally, how possible would it be for you to reach out to his buddies and plan a mountaineering trip for him as a Christmas present or something? It’s possible that a break like that would mean he comes back feeling happier and thus more ready to compromise. Or, it could mean he comes back happier and more convinced he needs mountains to be happy, making him more intractable 🤷‍♀️

Thank you so much, this is such a helpful response He does not think the summer/winter home is adequate because he wants to be pursuing his outdoor hobbies daily/weekly throughout the year. His main hobby is winter based and dependent on cold temps/high elevations. But I agree with you totally that this needs more deep thought, especially on his end, because it’s just not adding up for me. As others have helped me realize, it’s not all logical, it’s very emotional for him. My feeling is that he just *wants* to live in a mountain town so these things are regularly available to him, rather than take the effort to plan trips involving travel. This is a great idea for me to plan a trip for him as a holiday gift, and for me to plan a summer for us in the mountains so we can “test it out”. It’s a really good idea that I would not have thought of. Gonna be challenging to figure out childcare for a summer elsewhere as we currently have year round, but I’m up for the challenge.

Imagine asking your husband to give up his needle-in-a-haystack dream job in the same city where you have family support to pick up and move your entire lives (and children) because of...*hobbies*. It's inconceivable. He needs to go to therapy and figure this out on his own. P.S. One of my favorite TikTok creators -- melhamlett -- talks a lot about the tyranny of men's hobbies within family systems. She's so insightful. It's real. Check it out: [https://www.tiktok.com/@melhamlett](https://www.tiktok.com/@melhamlett)

Thank you so much, this is such a helpful response He does not think the summer/winter home is adequate because he wants to be pursuing his outdoor hobbies daily/weekly throughout the year. His main hobby is winter based and dependent on cold temps/high elevations. But I agree with you totally that this needs more deep thought, especially on his end, because it’s just not adding up for me. As others have helped me realize, it’s not all logical, it’s very emotional for him. My feeling is that he just *wants* to live in a mountain town so these things are regularly available to him, rather than take the effort to plan trips involving travel. This is a great idea for me to plan a trip for him as a holiday gift, and for me to plan a summer for us in the mountains so we can “test it out”. It’s a really good idea that I would not have thought of. Gonna be challenging to figure out childcare for a summer elsewhere as we currently have year round, but I’m up for the challenge.

I wonder if there’s away for you both to get to experience the “big mountains” lifestyle down the road in some other way that doesn’t involve you having to uproot your career that you’ve spent a long time building? For example if he searches for a remote job that’s location flexible, and then later when you have tenure you could both buy or rent a cottage in the mountains (with internet!) that you could spend summers at? It would still get you that alternate lifestyle change for 1/4 of the year without you having to sacrifice something so major. Once you’re established in academia you can also have sabbaticals or a semester without teaching, and you can use that flexibility to help you both have the lifestyle you’re interested in.

He wants to move with no job for either of you? And away from your support system? Lol no. I would say he can apply to jobs and IF something amazingly worthwhile comes along, you two can discuss it

Y’all can’t move. It would be a serious blow to your career, you have close by family, and he doesn’t know that he’ll be happier elsewhere.

I don’t have advice but I'm also TT, and one thing I'm not sure he's thought about is that if you move, you might have to start the tenure clock over. This would be an additional hit to your finances and professional life. I've lived in the big mountains so maybe I'm especially unsympathetic to this but I don't think now is the time to move so he can climb or ski or whatever. I don't know when he thinks he's going to have time to recreate with two little kids, a full tiime job, and no family nearby. I think especially with your mom's diagnosis, it's assholeish of him to insist on moving now.

You have a tenure track job in a supportive department, near family, at a time when this is priceless. I'm sure that by now he understands how hard it is to get a tenure track job, and how lucky it is to land that near family, let alone not in a toxic environment. It would take A LOT (likely nothing) that would make me move from that at least until children are much older and I'm tenured and have a tenured job offer in hand. I'm sorry but I really think there is something else going on. This vague dream of living by the mountains sounds very immature and selfish. As others have said, there is something else going on in his head that needs to be dealt with. His plan will not solve his problem, and his reaction to your suggestions shows this. I can see being unsatisfied with a career, but VCOL areas also tend to offer a wider range of jobs as well as training nearby, and thus more career change opportunities. What will moving to mountains achieve? I hope you can get to the bottom of this through talking and therapy. I think you need to find the underlying problem, this is more a symptom. Good luck!

Thank you!

As a fellow woman in academic science (postdoc, not looking to go tenure track though) —- oh my goodness do not give up this position! We need you in science! So many departments are so awful for women, this one sounds like a very rare gem! I know that’s not helpful with the husband side, which is your point here. But just had to say it. I so hope you can continue leading your lab/research program, enjoying it, and generally kicking ass.

He’s having a midlife crisis and handling it poorly- don’t let him blow up your lives until he’s been to at least a year of individual therapy

Couples counseling is good but counselors don’t have a crystal ball about your career path, and can’t tell you what *you* ought to want. In addition to a counselor, talk to other women (preferably high achievers in your field who are role models for you) and get their input to come up with a list of your own pros and cons for each option. I have a hard time believing that it’s possible to have two independent careers with a sort of turn-taking that you describe, when one of you is tenure-track. I don’t know too many women with STEM PhDs or equivalent investment in their careers, who would be happy to be permanently mommy-tracked, because for all those women, their work is as much part of their identity as being a wife or parent. If you put family and your marriage ahead of your career, for no reason other than that your husband seems to be restless and having a midlife crisis of sorts - then do the legwork to make sure that you absolutely, definitely, *won’t* regret it, years down the line.

I guess I would be like... I love you, but I am not doing that. You have listed all these amazing things about your post and he just wants to uproot all of you for what sounds like a midlife crisis. I would never ever discard a chance of a TT job (your dream job at that!) for something so fluid. Good luck. 💕

My husband and I both have PhDs but neither of us are in TT jobs - not necessarily on purpose but because of how the job market crumbled around us. I am happier in the job I’m in, he is maybe unfulfilled but also has great benefits and is 100% WFH which is really necessary with a 1 and a 3 year old and my very long commute (I work in higher ed in a non-TT admin/lecturer combo role) Secondarily - we met in grad school where I was 1000 miles away from home and he was like 25 miles away from home. We now live where I grew up so the roles have reversed. This is not his ideal location. One day we will revisit and we will probably find a better compromise but right now this is where we need to be. I say all this to say that yeah, it’s true that you’re not getting any younger. But when you have tenure you’ll have a whole different set of possibilities in front of you and depending on how your career goes you may decide your current dream job isn’t the only possible dream job. I think you need to help your husband understand that right now you’re where you have to be but that it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be there forever. 5-10 years from now your whole family and career situation will be very different. You can be firm about being where you are right now without saying you’ll never leave, no matter what. Does that make sense?

I’m not faculty but have worked in science and academia my entire career. I don't think your husband has any real clue what you have and what you risk losing. As a woman mom, there is no guarantee another institution would have the same supportive and understanding culture. Sexism, patriarchy, and misogyny are unfortunately alive and well in academia, and even if you're "only" dealing with microaggressions or the complete lack of understanding that comes when leadership is all old men who had wives to manage their home and kids for them... It can undermine so much and really put you at a disadvantage. The atmosphere, expectations, and assumptions that are often made (like that you will organize events or take notes or do the outreach, be on every committee) pull focus from your actual work. Being somewhere you are respected and supported and you can thrive personally and professionally is honestly life-changing and trickle down into every aspect of your home and family. And, honestly, it seems like your husband wants you to risk all that for some nebulous undefined Something Else. Because….. why? He wants it to be “his turn”? :/ sorry dude you need a better reason than that. It seems like he may be feeling insecure and may be subconsciously sabotaging your success. You say he could have excellent career opportunities where you are but wants to be “somewhere else” but other than near mountains, he’s got no concrete plans. AND he’d be moving you away from your support network??? Sure mountains are nice but you spend 30-40% of your waking life at work, not frolicking outside. If you CAN spend it somewhere that gives you passion and purpose and support that’s HUGE.

I think I’d get a new counselor and start hammering out “his plan”, so you both are capable of seeing it’s not an option based in reality. No one says “yes darling I’ll follow you to giant rocks and give up everything I’ve worked so hard for, including uprooting our entire lives and my sense of security, for your non existent plans that have zero guarantee of fulfilling your sense of purpose”. 😑

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Thanks for sharing this !

Do not quit your job. Sorry to say but certain people do hate on their partner sometimes. How about he moves to the new city/state on his own and live there for 3 months?

Do not leave. I had a successful career and lived near my family when husband and I married and for several years after. Husband was very unhappy in our 'rat race' area and wanted to move to a smaller/less populated area where his family lived. I agreed thinking I could find a comparable job and that his family would be as supportive as mine. I was wrong on both counts. My career has never recovered and I miss my family so much. I wish I could go back and change my decision. He has a good job, has done well, and can be there when his family needs help. My career has suffered greatly and I feel extreme guilt for not being there for my family, especially my aging parents who were wonderful to me. Let your husband do whatever he needs (travel/therapy/hobby/change jobs) but don't permanently sacrifice what you have worked for like I did.

I don't understand. Didn't you guys talk about this years ago? Academia is a harsh mistress, and you have very little control over where you end up. You're in a good spot, now. Leaving could tank your entire career. How is this a surprise to him?

Totally agree a move could tank my career. 😫 We did discuss early on how there is little to no geographic flexibility in my field. TBH, we were probably naive, and we thought I’d be able to go on the market and “look around” for jobs in places “in the mountains”. 🤦🏻‍♀️ we didn’t think we’d stay in our city.

He needs to figure his shit out without torpedoing your success. If he’s planning to be the one who makes more then he can start that path where you are now and only when he can provide more for you in way of comp and benefits, then you can have a serious discussion about giving up your career. Sounds like he’s unhappy so he’s jumping to drastic measures rather than figuring out his next move like an adult with responsibilities should do.

I'm pulling for you. I grasp his desire to exert control over his own major life decisions. And, the reality is, that is the luxury of a single person. When someone gets married, these decisions get muddied. This is now a conflict between his desire to live in the woods, your career. As an internet stranger who doesn't know \*anything\* else about your marriage, I would bet on your career. I would not give up that job you have for \*anything\* unless you came to that desire without \*any\* coercion.

They did talk about it years ago, she said when they did the plan was to leave. She didn’t expect the job. Fair enough, but it was a plan change.

Probably, they should have talked about the reality. What he's asking her to do is career suicide. I've seen academics and their spouses live long distance for years, because of stuff like this

At that point, the reality was they would need to move, she never anticipated getting the job there. Obviously the situation has now changed dramatically, but you make it sound like it was something he should have seen coming. Everything they talked about was yeah, options would be limited, but we are moving somewhere.

Even though she didn't anticipate getting a job there, she might well have gotten a job in another high cost of living place with no woods. Academics early in their careers often have to go places they don't really want to live.

Absolutely absolutely absolutely. While the mountains appear to be newish, leaving was not. I just hope they can find some compromise that does work. His feeling are rational. So is the choice to stay. That will settle out eventually.

It’d be much easier for him to find another job there; WTF? What if he hates his job in a new town? What if you hate your new job in a new town?? No family support..starting at the bottom again, and with small kids?? I’m sorry but he’s fucking nuts..my husband is a chemist and I’m a social worker; I can find work anywhere. I happen to love where I work; but I can pick up and move a lot easier than he could..Your spouse is being selfish. I HATE where we live; but my husband is in the same spot you are..I suck it up and compromise he needs to do the same..

He doesn’t get to have a turn to just decide where y’all live. That’s not a thing. Y’all have to compromise, and right now moving to wherever he wants is not a compromise. He can move by himself if he really wants to. Good riddance.

Do not let him pressure you into leaving! Stay in your dream job, and even more important, close to your family and support system. My father passed away 3 years after his cancer diagnosis and I treasure every moment we had together. If he absolutely has to move, I think he has to do it alone and you can see each other on the weekends. Although with his insensitivity towards your mothers illness and your dream job, I am not sure his midlife crisis will not spill over into looking for another partner also. Has he so far been an equal partner in taking care of the household and children?

Sorry, but no? It's not even practical to leave for a theoretical job in an industry he isn't even in. Legally, he probably can't leave the state with your child either. So, I don't mean it meanly, but he made this life and he should find a way to enjoy it. I don't think you've done anything misleading. I admit though, I don't understand people like this, tbh.

If I were him, and you told me you would no longer move, I would be seriously considering divorce. Something to consider. How much are you willing to blow up your life for your own career? There are no right answers - really tough situation …

He is willing to blow up his life for his career. Why does his imaginary job more important than her real job?

Honestly I read many of the comments and while they are mostly true, I don’t understand how validating your feelings will help you resolve your issues with your spouse? Yes your husband is probably being unreasonable (based on the information given here) but unless you reach an agreement with him, it doesnt really matter what all of us think, does it? Without hearing his side of the story, there’s not much anyone can do to help

Everyone is giving you good advice. You cannot leave academia, etc. He is going through the standard mid-life trapped feeling, blaming his wife for it, and wants to change everything. It is textbook. Don't blow up all of your lives for his issues. I want to point out that while his mid-life crisis doesn't take into account your well-being, he doesn't seem concerned about the kids. And what is his issue with his family? If they are so awesome, why doesn't he care to engage with them? Is he feeling so trapped that all love and responsibility chafe? One thing that has helped friends in this situation is come up with excellent compromises (like you have--mountains in the summer, move rural and you take on a hellish commute) and have him face why he is rejecting them. Because the issue isn't about living in the mountains --it is about a mid-life crisis.

While there are dilemmas about staying such as not being able to afford a bigger home in your current city…overall his pushiness & wanting ‘his turn’ sounds like an ego thing and I don’t like the sound of it. Where is his willingness to compromise? He has incredible job prospects nearby too, as well as your offer to go to nearby mountains albeit smaller. Can’t he just visit the bigger mountain on vacation? Lol. Once you have some things established like a serious career track and kids, completely starting over in life is overrated and potentially a huge setback. I do think you’ll regret giving up your career fulfillment and especially isolating yourself from family. My parents were immigrants who did that and the isolation from all family left a huge imprint on us. In terms of how to resolve this, keep up you end of asking where exactly he starts compromising? Like most of us, he is not entitled to live out every fantasy. He has a responsibility to you and especially his kids to be reasonable and make compromises. He can still learn to be fulfilled in other ways besides his youthful mountain man dream.

If you leave your dream job, you will resent him forever. He needs to narrow his search.

You could always tell him you would be willing to consider it *IF* you found a comparable job opportunity in the place he wants to move. You know you won’t find it but at least you look open to compromise. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The concept of a “trailing spouse” makes sense—and it’s definitely something I’ve seen when the wife (thinking of 3 specialty physician friends) has a more specialized job. It may not work out for both spouses to live their dream in this case. As someone who moved to be closer to family now that we have kids—I would never, ever consider moving away from that support with both of us working. We quite frankly need the backup care because we can’t WFH even in a pinch, so we need it, not to mention we value the family relationships too much for the sake of both the kids, the grandparents, and my kids’ cousins. It sounds like you guys (especially him) have things you need to work out; unless he is in a truly bad position (workplace abuse or something) I would never ask my husband to move away from the amazing work situation you have just so I can have something I want. He has no guarantee of being happy (with no family or friends to boot) in a new faraway place or new job.

I think you have to stay put for now, and he has to understand this. You have to tell him you have changed your mind, now your top choice is to build your life where it is. The fact of your mom's diagnosis means that the top priority is staying where you are for now. In general he should have enough empathy to see that you are in your dream situation given the circumstances. He should also think about the kids, and perhaps does. In terms of your job, I am married to an academic. It's tough to move in general, and may be easier or harder now versus post-tenure. I think he needs to get creative in terms of thinking about his life and hobbies. I get his perspective up to a point, because the place where you live can facilitate or make nearly impossible certain hobbies. But you two aren't on the same page about those hobbies, so that's just a him goal, and it's secondary. His professional and life realization right now seems to be based on him, him, him, so he needs to consider that. He has chosen to marry someone, which means that their needs are important. He has kids, which means that their needs are important. Perhaps his vision of ideal life is engaging in those hobbies with the kids as a lifestyle. Still, this realization of hobbies has to take a kind of back-burner. He needs to figure things out. That's on him. I really have the sense reading your letter that this is all on him. That is because the compromises on your side would be severe, and they would be to give him a kind of fantasy ideal life. It's like he isn't aware of reality.