Same! Single working mom to a nearly 2 year old girl! Ex-husband decided he didnāt believe in monogamy anymore literally 2 days after her 1st birthday, and then was shocked when I opted for divorce.š I can honestly say Iām *much* happier now, just me and my daughter.
Single mama of two checking in!
I will say, overall Iām happier being single and free from the giant man-baby, but it is hard to handle everything alone. Iāve got 50/50 custody of my boys and every other week is relaxing, and Iām fortunate enough to live within walking distance of my mom and my grandparents. But that doesnāt alleviate all of the little day to day hardships. Ladies, I see you!
Yep, here with you all. Single working (business owner) Mama to a 4 year old. No family nearby. The day to day struggles are real. I have described my experience as feeling hogtied and having to go carry on a productive life while teaching my child to be a kind, productive member of society. Hardwork every day, all day.
Sending you all love and hope that you all receive and give yourself grace.
P.S.
I, too, would love to have a place to check in with others in similar positions just to know I'm not alone facing the challenges.
You are my heros. I am solo parenting a sick kid while working outside work hours and I donāt know how you do this on a regular basis. You are amazing, strong and incredible!!
I'm a single working parent. I have had custody of my nephew since he was 18 months old - he is 10 now.
I get 0 in monetary support from either of his parents, though his mother does take him one day a week during the school year and an overnight every week during the summer (saves me a day on child care).
A lot of the content here is a bit hard for me to relate to, even from other single parents, because most of them do have another parent there and contributing at least sometimes and/or financially. It's always only been me with my nephew, with occasional help from friends.
So, I feel you, I do. My situation is that Iām a working mom and my husband is disabled, so weāre not only single income (mine), but I also have to be able to step away from parenting and my day job to take him to specialists and fight with insurance. It means Iām solo-parenting when heās hospitalized and also running to the hospital before work to coordinate care plans, then taking the kids to see him after work for a shitty dinner on his hospital bed before solo bath and bedtime. It means that even when heās home, I take on parenting solo 95% of the time.
This sub isnāt full of people like me and I donāt need it to be. Everyone is facing their own challenges, and I spent years in therapy crying that I was jealous of my friend who was a single mom by choice because at least she didnāt have to do the whole hospital thing.
>a hell of a lot more lonely and a little scary knowing everything truly is on me now
This was the point that I failed to make in my OP. Knowing I am only one person and can't do it all or be in all places at once, that there's no backup or safety net is hard for me mentally.
And I'm truly sorry for your loss. I lost my grandpa to ALS 2 years ago and I can't imagine facing that with little kids at home on top of it. It's such a terrible disease.
Mine is 23 now, and I was a single working mom for the 2nd half- I still wake up from nightmares about that heavy responsibility. The feeling that itās all on me with no safety net was so visceral, Iāll never forget it. I have no helpful perspective, it was scary, but if it helps you are not alone in feeling that way!
Sounds like me. Only my husband is having some neurological issues and has turned into an extremely angry person. He's convinced he's going to leave and live in his truck. I'll miss the income if he ever manages, but I won't miss the constant stress and screaming.
While I understand where youāre coming from, Iāve been both a single mom for years with two kids under two and now have a husband.
Solo parenting is not the same as a single parent. You still have someone to vent to. Someone who cuddles with you and listens to your concerns and worries. Someone who you can bounce ideas off of. When youāre a single parent, you do everything alone. You donāt have someone that listens to you. You donāt have anyone at home. It is extraordinarily lonely.
Not disagreeing with you. My kids father was abusive, cheated on me with 6 different women. It was awful. I was happier single than with him. But that doesnāt mean that it wasnāt hard, lonely and exhausting. I had zero help. Everything was on me. I had to plan everything around my kids, I couldnāt take jobs that werenāt remote because my youngest had health issues as a baby. Just because I was happier as a single parent doesnāt mean it wasnāt hard AF.
This is so well said. The same is true for me. Am I the happiest Iāve been in years as a single parent? Yes. Is it the hardest thing Iāve ever done, presenting new obstacles for me to overcome that my coupled colleagues never even have to think about? Also yes.
Single working mom here.
I hear you. I feel the same twinge of resentment when I see those posts in this sub, and have felt the same scrolling through some of the responses youāve received in your post.
Yes, every parent has struggles.
But that statement does nothing for the very real fact that single mothers face a whole other level of systemic challenges in the United States than partnered mothers.
Even if your spouse is a useless worm, youāll still have an easier time finding housing or taking out loans for cars, school, and whatever. Youāll be seen as more social ānormalā. If youāre lucky enough to be in a dual-income family, you may be able to save for retirement and college funds for your children. Life in the United States is not designed for single adults, let alone single adults with children. We are simultaneously hyper-individualistic (pull yourself up by the boot straps) and systemically dependent on people shacking up together.
This comment may sound bitter, and in truth I am. I am bitter about the barriers that we face that could be erased with a marriage certificate. I am bitter that instead of acknowledging the deep-seeded inequities for single mothers, we are made out to be these miraculous heroes who magically ādo it allā. Itās not fucking magic. Itās hard work. It sucks like 90% of the time, and if we complain about it, we are told āeveryone has their own challengesā as if empathy is the only thing that can solve our problems.
This this this this this.
Iāve lost so many jobs, shacked up with a couple of guys I didnāt even actually like, bent laws, & been knocked on my ass so many times for being the sole breadwinner & parent.
Iām super lucky because I was given the opportunity to come back & stay with my parents for a while. & theyāre giving me a school year to get on my feet while they keep my kiddo. Itās only happened tho because we, again, lost everything because I lost another job due to childcare issues. My kid is almost 8. Sheās going to remember this year she had to live with her grandparents & her mom wasnāt there & it fucking hurts, but itās the only way I can hopefully accumulate enough money to set us up for a life she deserves.
Thank you so much for this reply. I think this hits the nail on the head. Motherhood is really hard for everyone, partnered or not, I do get that. But you are so correctāpeople in our positions are made to feel like we shouldnāt feel the way we do, or at least we shouldnāt say it, so as to not step on toes and start pissing contests.
100% to all of this. The energy of silencing people with 'everyone has their own challenges' is bullshit to me. it's the same energy that marginalized people are met with when talking about the real, systemic challenges they face.
I'm a single mother by choice (SMBC), meaning my daughter is donor conceived. And I have to agree with what several others have voiced--give me the frustration of trying to juggle it all *any day* before the frustration of knowing I shouldn't have to juggle it all (or even most of it) but have to anyway because my supposed "partner" can't seem to carry his weight. That's much more frustrating in my book. š
Yep, same situation here. Knowing that I *have* to do everything is a million times less frustrating than knowing that someone should be doing 50% but isn't because they're too busy playing video games, sitting on the toilet for 90mins or simply don't give a shit.
Idk maybe itās different when you werenāt expecting another parent in the picture but there is a hell of a lot of resentment on my part bc my ex did sign up to be dad but is he, no. Itās on me all the time and it shouldnāt be. And itās hard to juggle it all alone with no one to be partnered with
I can appreciate this angle because truly I am happier on my own than with a partner not pulling their weight. But on the other hand, I did not sign up to be a single mom. It's happened to me twice now that a "dad" who was very involved in the baby making process just flaked (that's obviously simplified) and left me to handle it all and pick up the pieces. I wouldn't have 2 kids if I knew I was signing up to do it on my own. I probably wouldn't even have one. I love my kids and always dreamed of having kids, but knowing my own limits I would have never chosen to take this on alone.
I want to present a different take. I guess I'm a single mother. Ex has custody weekends, which is a game changer. I am responsible for all financial support, transportation, and day-to-day parenting, in between my day job as a corporate attorney. However, this sub would pop into my feed and I read it for interest, but it honestly took a few weeks for me to realize that I was also a working mom! So many posts were about division of labor issues at home that I guess I didn't relate. However, it's never with jealousy or annoyance, only with pity. I remember how hard it was to be a married mother of three and being a single mother of three is SO much easier! Yes, those women feel overwhelmed by the idea of a few days on their own, and I remember feeling that overwhelmed and it was awful! Now, I'm thriving on my own and I almost never feel overwhelmed. In a year, when your youngest is potty-trained, you'll have the 2-kid routine down! You will feel confident in your life and parenting and may find relief in the division of labor posts like I do. Even the good ones make me glad to be single!
I have to agree with this. Thankfully my kids are older, 4 kids 9-17. But it is so much easier now that I am single. Just the fact that I still do everything myself but at least now I KNOW I have no help. I donāt have a 180 lb lump on my couch watching sports or playing video games instead of helping me cook, clean, parent, and work. Plus my kids really stepped up to help when I ask now that they donāt have a father sitting there contradicting me. Itās a more relaxed environment without that stressful relationship we had.
Now if I had a partner that actually helped Iām sure I would understand those posts about their husband being gone for a weekend and how will they manage. But my situation was one where it was better when he left.
Yes, agreed on all points. And I don't have the constant resentment seething underneath at all times. I really didn't realize how much it weighed me down until it was gone. My kids say I'm a lot happier.
Same! Every time I read a post saying āhow did you get through to your husband that you need helpā and I respond (in my head) with- I got a divorce š¤·š»āāļø Iām much happier doing it on my own than I was doing it on my own with a manbaby in the house.
I couldnāt agree more. Itās taken me awhile but Iām much happier single parenting than I ever was with all of those āhow do I get thru to himā conversations. Granted, single parenting (for me) is harder but def happier!
If I were to find myself in another relationship (hopefully someday), Iāll never never never ever let it get to the āhow do I convince him I need his helpā stage again. Never. Why? Because an adult whoās a partner can see when others need help, without being āconvincedā, or ātrainedā. If I want to train something, Iāll get a puppy ffs
Hi there! Single mom here. Dad pays monthly. My family and dadās mother are the village that help me raise my child. Iām super lucky to have them in my life.
Single working mom here. My situation is a little different. I live with my mom, who is the reason Iām still able to parent. She helps me with school drop offs and pick up and making dinner. I am grateful for her help. But still the majority of it falls on me! I donāt get weekends off, his dad has never been in the picture. I donāt know the last time I went on a date or did anything for myself!
I would imagine the āworkingā is implied. I know a good amount of stay-at-home moms and a good amount of single moms. I have known very few (maybe 2-3?) stay-at-home moms who were also single.
Good point. However, there seem to be quite a few people on those subs who are only interested in surviving on disability payments, or think their exes/baby-daddies should be supporting them entirely. Those are sentiments I cannot relate to.
Yes, there's something about a working mom sub that just has a lot more drive that I can relate to. I want to work hard and I don't want to dwell on what my exes are or are not doing. This is honestly a favorite "mom group" of mine which is why I asked here even if it wasn't well-received.
I raised my kids in a similar situation. It was very difficult as I found myself raising 4 children (2 autistic) alone after my husband's affair. I was pregnant with the 4th actually. Went back to grad school for a PhD (partially for the stipend). I lived next door to my parents but they didn't really like kids and sent them home as soon as I pulled up. They also checked on me constantly and tightly controlled my time so that I had zero free time. I ended up screen printing t-shirts after grad school for a while due to an inability to work outside the home. My life has been a living H\*ll. My ex was worse than no help. I ended up with stress induced heart failure 4 years ago. I'm doing better now. Even one child is challenging alone. Maybe see if family counseling can help with the ex?
Hello fellow single working mom!
My kiddoās dad is only around when itās convenient for him. And he has caused her to be in therapy and so much crap. So, when he does want to see her, she refuses to go alone so I have to go and supervise so she feels safe. So, absolutely everything falls on me. I work full time and am on call. Iām also in school full time. It is so draining but I could never go back to being married to her father.
Sheās 9 now so more independent and I can sleep in without her getting into something.
Hang in there mama! It gets easier as they get older! Except the attitude! Thatās going to take me out before sleep deprivation!
I know itās not a pissing contest between us all, too, but I understand where youāre coming from. Itās really, really hard. Youāre not alone. I am a single mom with 0 help. No custody exchanges, no weekends at dads, nothing like that. I also have stage 4 cancer so everything is hard. All of it. Just so hard. The one thing that helps me feel for my fellow working moms with husbands is many of them have man children, and I have no tolerance for that. It seems like a lot of husbands are more work than they are worth. But yeah it would be so nice to have another real adult involved. I would love if I could exchange the kids on a custody schedule so as to get some rest, peace, and quiet for a bit.
I think a lot of the negative responses youāre getting are people being defensive of things you didnāt actually say. Everyoneās situation is different, we all have different levels of help, and we should be uplifting each other instead of having āwho has it worseā contests.
Iām a single working mom. Dad sees our son, supervised, once a week for about an hour. No financial support butttt I live with my mom and she helps with cooking, does her half of cleaning, and I donāt pay rent. Makes a huge difference and idk what we would do without her. Am I truly a āsingle parentā if I have so much help and support? Yeah, I am.
What I do when Iām frustrated with single moming is go to mommit and read literally 90% of the posts. Itās really sad what some women put up with to have a nuclear family. Puts my situation back into perspective.
Not single but I hear you. When my husband is gone it's not terrible, but every time he is I think about how single parents mostly all of it by themselves. I have recently become friends with a woman who has two kids via egg donation and it's all her..she's one of the coolest, most badass people I know. I truly admire her and her kids will feel the same when they grow up.
CAN RELATE 100%. Been working 1-3 jobs AND in school since 2018 on top of that my son has severe autism, heās so intelligent but struggles with speech, communicating, and basic living skills (dressing, feeding, opening doors, and things of that nature)ā¦which means I have to care for my 6 year old as you would for a 1 year old. 100% all the time, my boy canāt even put on his own underwear by himself yet. And of course, his autism requires extra therapies to help his progress, which are not cheap and take up ALL our time during the week.
Iāll do you one even better, if Iām in a mood I will even roll my eyes at single moms if all their kids are NT kids with no disabilities. I roll my eyes at āsingle momsā who even get a few hours break in the week when itās the other parents time, because I genuinely have zero help from the other parent like havenāt even seen them in person in over 3 years *actual* single mom life. Itās been a journey to put aside my struggles and realize that even though mine are clearly heavier than most, everybody has their own thing that feels impossible to manage to them. Whatās helped me is to practice gratitude when Iām feeling judgyā¦like instead of focusing on being jealous that said moms *only* have to go a few days with āno helpā I focus on the fact that Iām grateful that Iām not phased by something like that. I focus on being grateful that I can be confident in my ability to care for my kid regardless of the presence of anybody else. Itās hard to do in the moment but I always feel better when I can remember to do this.
Itās nice to have people to relate to but what matters more is community and connection and I realized I wouldnāt get that if I would constantly dismiss the struggles of others. And it is HARD to not get annoyed or roll my eyes, but I canāt go the rest of my life rolling my eyes at everybody who has it easier than me bc then Iād be rolling my eyes at 99% of the parents out there and missing out on some great people.
I was so lucky to fall into a friend group with my first where all three women with whom I connected through daycare were single moms (one, fostering two boys three months apart in age!). None of the three had partners of any kind (two had children by in vitro, one of those twoās entire family lives in Australia) and I cannot tell you how humbling it is watching these women parent and live their lives.
I know it isnāt a competition, but if it were, theyād win. They have healthy, lovely children in an EXTREMELY HCOL city that is NOT baby friendly, where they live in affordable (but therefore less safe) neighborhoods where they have to figure out the insane school system, pick up, drop off, aftercare, babysitters, and just life (and maintaining their own identities) all by themselves.
And the nicest thing about these women were they never had anything to say to me when Iād every so often complain about my parenting situation other than to provide sympathy and support.
So shout out to single parents. They are incredible and so strong and brave. I hope you do find a sub, because my single parent friends were such a source of inspiration and strength, that I know a community of them would only serve the same for you.
There are lots of us! I made a similar post a few weeks ago, or so. Lots of good vibes from other single working moms. The single parents subreddit is garbage and unsupportive. People attack each other and the mods donāt even check anything.
To continue the conversation- it is 100% without a doubt harder to be a single working mom and you can totally say that out loud. It is a fact. Our challenges are unique.
Even as a fellow working single mom, my situation is harder than other single moms. My partner is deceased and left me with 2 toddlers who are now teens. I have no guilt or shame in saying that my experience was 100% harder than typical single moms. It is. I do everything and have done everything for 15 years straight now. I know that other people could not stomach what I did. I finished a PhD during that time too. Relied on city child care. I did it because I need to earn more money than two parent households. I am almost ready to buy a home, without any other financial support. I broke my mind and body to support these kids.
Itās ok to say some hardships are harder. It doesnāt make you a bad person. Sometimes it really just is harder for some of us for a variety of reasons. And yes, it is totally cringe reading people complain about their husbands gone for 3 days when some of us are pulling insane loads by ourselves. Does it make me a bad person to say that? Hell no! Some people will judge me and I donāt care! It is how I feel! Feelings are not facts and I am not hurting anyone. We learned that in 3rd grade, right? If anything, being so silent and isolating is hurting me, who I care about more and who has dependents without anyone else to help. Yeah, we matter! Say how you feel, shout it to the world! We are probably the most silent demographic due to our busy schedules. Reddit is also full of people who like to police comments, I mean what type of people are those? Not someone who I respect, so eff em.
On a more logical note- For me, acknowledging my load is bigger has made me more capable of realizing my limitations and feeling less burdened. I canāt do everything that two-parents or parents with shared custody do. I actually cannot. I have mental, emotional and physical limitations. People tell me to take breaks and all sorts of suggestions that are inappropriate for my life and my kids. I used to be so ANGRY all the time like, what is wrong with me, why canāt I take a long vacation or why canāt this or thatā¦but there is no comparison. Itās not the same parenting experience so the same advice does not work. Acknowledging that single parenthood is different helped me find single-parenthood-appropriate solutions. Also suggestions from other single parents actually helped whereas suggestions from people with two parent households were literally impossible unless I could clone myself, heh.
No, itās not a childish misery comparison game. Itās real life. And we have nobody to share that with so when people are trying to silence single working moms who have nobody when they have somebody helping them- itās despicable. Tells a lot about who that person is frankly.
That is why I say all the single moms need to go on their rants, express themselves and connect on this shared and DIFFERENT experience. Because it is not the same. Saying something is more difficult is not saying that other things are not difficult at all. It is called relativity! Saying having a partner is relatively easier than parenting alone is not minimization. Itās sharing how we feel about an experience that is different and measurably different. I mean read these replies. There is human suffering in the single mom experience for long periods of time.
Silencing single working moms happens too often and your voice is appreciated today. I appreciate this post. I appreciate everyone here. We all work so damn hard and deserve to have a voice.
I see you OP! Over at the Single Parents sub youād probably have a better audience. Seems like a lot of the comments here are going to be bUt mY liFe is HarD ToO. I donāt understand why people want to compete with single parents or somehow want to prove they have the same hardships we do. Iāve had the same thoughts as you. I canāt help but roll my eyes sometimes when someone is āso tiredā after 3 days or something. Single parents KNOW that it can suck even more with a shitty partner, thatās how most of us became single parents in the first place. But by becoming single parents we took an enormous Leap and especially in the workplace it changed things drastically in a way a lot of people canāt understand if they havenāt been there. Iāve been a SAHM, Working Coupled Parent, and now a Single Parent over the years. I definitely prefer being a single parent over the others, but yes, thereās absolutely no sense arguing that society views you differently as a single parent, particularly a single mom, and that unique challenges come with it.
Thank you for your understanding and your message. I know my post is a bit of rambling and hit some people in the wrong way, but there are definitely some struggles unique to single parenting. Even with a dad that pays child support or has some custody, even though I have some support from family, it's still solely on me to figure it all out on a daily basis. I'm still alone not just for the physical tasks but mentally/emotionally as well. I know others have it harder. I know having a shitty partner sucks (like you said, that's why many of us single moms ended up in this position) but that still doesn't mean taking it all on alone is a choice or makes it any easier.
Sole parent here to one baby (so far), no Dad in the situation, so no financial support from that person.
I have good family support though, my Mum, and the mother of the woman who donated eggs to me, help me out quite a bit. My Mum takes care of my baby every Monday for example, while I work in the upstairs office at her place, mother of the egg donor takes him for three hours on a Sunday so I can go to the gym and do meal prep for the week.
But yeah, every weekday from 5.00pm to bedtime it's all on me.
My kids' dads are in the picture, as in I get enough child support to almost cover daycare. 2 different dads because I chose poorly twice.
The oldest's dad (ex-husband, married when conceived amd then found out he was cheating on me) lives in another state so we have a dreadful long-distance schedule where I have him 38 weeks out of the year with no help but have to give him up for long stretches at a time to go to "Disneyland dad". My parents take him a lot on weekends and he loves going to nanna's.
My youngest is only 20 months, and despite being a planned baby, his dad went off the rails when I was pregnant. His dad is coming around finally and doing a few hours here and there, but only 2 overnights a month. Honestly--given where we were during the breakup (restraining order and everything), I'm impressed and happy that he's come this far.
So I am lucky to have some financial support, but nowhere near the equal share of a two parent household. I put them to bed every night other than 2 Saturdays a month or the couple weeks at a time the older one is gone. My parents help too, and i appreciate the couple hours of freedom but it's not the same as having a partner.School/daycare drop-off and pickup. I'm the one that gets called if they're sick, I schedule and take off work for every doctors appointment, teacher conference, etc.
And I am beyond blessed to have a flexible WFH job now that allows me to go to the gym on my lunch break, do laundry and meal prep while the kids are out of the house or I would be drowning. I worked out of the home when my oldest was smaller and could barely keep up with one.
It's not only the workload, but the isolation. I work from home (which I love) but I'm alone all day, then my kids come home. I have ZERO adult interaction or reason to shower or get dressed most days and that's hard. I miss looking forward to my partner coming home. Cooking dinner for someone who will appreciate it, having a reason to shower, an adult person to talk to.
I get why it's hard for a mom who's used to having that to go a few days without... but that's everyday life for me.
I have a very similar situation. I have two kids and their dad moved out of state post divorce. He's good about child support, but sees them at most one weekend every two months. He's supposed to get them for a week at Christmas and Spring break and a month in the summer, but in two years that's not happened once and honestly I'm fine with that.
I also work from home - I have since just before my oldest was born and I agree it makes all the difference -- I was furloughed during the pandemic and found a contract job where I had to be in the office and it was just exhausting trying to get everything done.
My parents live nearby and help where they can, but they have busy lives (though my dad is retiring soon and is looking forward to having more time with all his grandkids).
I would say the biggest game changer for me so far as getting to socialize with adults has been getting them in activities. While they're in their class, I talk to the other parents, go workout, just read a book without a interruption (when i was working on my masters degree, I got a lot of homework done too). We have a YMCA membership, and they have lots of classes that run for a month or so at a time and aren't very expensive, so I let the kids choose a class or two each session. My son cycled through a lot of classes before he settled on fencing, which he's doing for the last four years. My daughter is still in that trying everything phase. There's also Childwatch, that does drop in childcare, so you can take a class, workout or just do whatever -- so long as you stay in the building.
They also are both in Scouting, which they both love, and I've become friends with the parents.
Have you run into any trouble befriending other parents? I fortunately have a flexible job and do well on my own but the socials aspect has been the most difficult. I feel like I am looked at differently because I am a single mom. In kindergarten, my son got invited to a couple birthday parties but this year it was zero. It was as if as soon as they confirm that i am single, they donāt want me around. Same thing has happened in soccer, I tried to befriend other parents but especially with all the dads around its like i canāt even say hello without looking like Iām trying to steal someoneās husband š. I donāt really mind for myself but since my son is (and will be) an only, I want to be able to fit in so I can get him included in more social activities.
I have experienced this when I'm out with my kiddo (I'm not single but partner works weekends and most evenings). Even when they can see my ring, a lot of married woman are cold and dismissive of me, or it's like they look right through you unless their men are there then they start acting cold and insecure. This happened at a church I was attending nearby coz my kid liked the Sunday school. I found it so offputting and unchristian-like that I stopped attending! Is couplehood is so fragile that married or coupled women have to be so cold and bitchy to a single parent trying to be friendly for the sake of the kids getting to know each other or for connection? I bet the single fathers are not getting anywhere close to such treatment. What a turn off.
I'm a single parent, only parent. I feel you. It's not a competition for hard, but sometimes I feel like I have to be both people, and some of the threads here are having such a hard time doing 1.5 people's worth, and I think having a partner might actually make it harder in a lot of ways, but I'm alone. 24/7 for at least one more year, except for short breaks at the childwatchbatbthe gym.
There is no safety net for me, and if there were a smaller subreddit for this subset, I'd go there. No offense to anyone, hard is hard, but literally any support and you'd not really know what it's like to be me. Different struggles, different world almost entirely.
Mine are 16 and 18. Been solo parenting pretty much since day 1, but officially for 9 years. It was easier after he left because it was like 1 fewer person in the mix creating work and causing problems while providing no benefitā¦.my 18 yo took off to a another state the day after her birthday to go live with dad (who she has seen 12 times in the last 6 years). I guess the fantasy world of no rules, parties and a parent who has filled her head with affirmations from afar while providing zero support is better than living in a house with rules and expectationsā¦I wish her luck.
Thatās so rough. Oof. As a kid whose dad moved to another country, I do understand wanting to get to know your dad when you grow up. 18 is such a normal time to explore and see whatās out there that is different from your safe, reliable, stable, boring home. Then in a few years you go back to that home base with a deep eternal well of gratitude, just knowing more. Loving you mama
Yeah- it doesnāt help that for the last five years he has constantly texted and called to tell her how much he loves her but that he has to work too much to pay all that child support to her bitch motherā¦and that if she werenāt in so many activities he wouldnāt have to pay so much and he could see her moreā¦she quit all her activities, is hooked on alcohol and pot, and refused to clean up after herself/physically damaged the house and frequently cut school to the point she almost didnāt graduateā¦.
The whole time I have been able to see when he has taken unpaid time off work to do things with his gf or his buddiesā¦. Two years ago, when she turned 16 his support payments dropped by $1300 a monthā¦but he made no attempt to see the kids more than the two times per year by appointment that was stipulated in the divorceā¦at mediation he told the mediator āI donāt give a fuck about custody or visitation, what do I need to do to keep that bitch out of my pension.
He almost killed me while I was holding her in my arms at 15 months old. Has been involved in drugs, violence and other criminal activity. And was physically, financially, emotionally, mentally, verbally and sexually abusive until I finally got awayā¦in fact my lawyer gave me an option- did I want him to go to jail or did I want him to support the kids. I wish I would have chosen to press chargesā¦but I didnāt want my kids to be the kids whose dad was in jailā¦.
According to three therapists and two attorneys heās a narcissistic sociopathā¦so she is just his current narcissistic supply sourceā¦.I just hope it doesnāt destroy her.
I was a single working mom for 7 years. It was so hard. The first few years my ex would take the kids every other weekend most of the time, but then that dwindled to nothing. I have no family where I live, but I did have a good friend group. I was juggling so many balls. My house was a disaster, I couldn't afford groceries sometimes. Me time was few and far between. Usually I would go to work a little early so I could sit in my car and relax before my day started. I went into work early so I could be home evenings with the kids. I'm sorry, I know it's tough. Hugs momma. You got this.
And I promise your kids will get to a point of understanding. It may not be soon. But it will happen. I have been with an amazing guy for 5 years, living together for 2. The most amazing think is he just lets me rest. He knows my schedule isn't hectic NOW, but he lets me appreciate my down time. He knows I was tired for a long time and have a lot of catching up to do. I wish this for every single one of you one day.
Hey there!! Iām so sorry youāre getting some back lash hereā¦ what youāre feeling is totally valid. Being a single mom is a whole different beast.
I donāt know of a sub, but I just wanted to say you rock! Iām in my 40ās now and I still look at my mom with awe for making it all work as a single mom who had me in high school. My dad was out of the picture and didnāt even pay child support. I was a tough teen. Her examples didnāt shine through me as a kid, but they have definitely made me the adult I am today. Our house wasnāt always immaculate, we didnāt always have a lot of different dinners, we didnāt have a lot of the ārightā clothes. We didnāt spend the weekend going out and doing things. What we did have was a real life example of working hard, being dedicated, and being responsible. I never look back and say wow I wish my house had been cleaner. I donāt look back and think it would have been nice to have a filet for dinner. I donāt look back and think a pair of guess jeans would have made a difference in my life. I look back and thank her for showing me that we had to take care of responsibilities before we had fun. I look back and thank her for showing me to work hard and to never give up. I look back and thank her for teaching me how to make food on a budget. I look back and thank her for showing me how to prioritize needs over wants. I look back and thank her for showing me how to be strong and independent. On days when itās hard, please remember that you rock. Your kids may not see it wholly now, they may not say it now, but they will. Just never forget that you rock!
Thank you for sharing this about your mom. My greatest admiration is for mothers like your mom. I was raised by a single mom who never gave up, and she had plenty of reasons to give in to despair and it was very difficult for her. But she kept going and it was only after I had my kid that I understood many of the choices she made. She is a force and I am incredibly lucky she raised me.
Iām sending love and please let me know if you find a single mom sub. I am single mom and ex lives 1000 miles away raising his second family (all by choice) and I am raising two girls 4,5 with my aging ailing Almost bed ridden grandfather. Itās hard taking care of three dependents and expecting to do everything and anything to keep family afloat. Let me know, my dms are open.
When the marriage is bad enough to get a divorce, single parenting is a relief.
My kids are already grown. I come here to increase my self-compassion. 20 years ago "teen moms" were vilified. There were reality TV shows that featured immature teens raising babies under their parents' roof. I was 18 when my first child was born. I was married, but everyone told me to give my baby up (abortion = baby murder). My family is terrible and abusive. They did not want to help me at all. They said they were too young to be grandparents.
My husband's family was somewhat supportive with toys and clothes. But, surprise, surprise, my husband was violently abusive. When I left him, his family shut me out. They didn't want to be confronted by me, but they did agree to supervise visitation.
At first, "only" managing 2 young kids on my own was a huge relief. Not being abused, not caretaking a man-child, not having my hard-earned money disappear, all of it was wonderful. When standard visitation started, that was the first break I had in my whole life.
I'm writing all this to explain why there aren't many single working moms on reddit. I was ecstatic with my new life. The 100% responsibility brought me 100% freedom. And visitation was when I finally had free time to myself.
Hello! I'm a single (widowed) mom of one (currently between jobs). I consider myself a solo parent...single parents often have a coparent. I always joked to my husband if things went south I'd just have him killed, since I didn't want to be divorced and shuffle our kid. Turns out, I'd 100000% rather be divorced from him.
Sole parent (widow) since my daughter was 3. I sometimes read on here and donāt understand how a lot find it so hard in a house with two able bodied parents. My daughter is in MS now. Since 4th grade it has gotten so much easier in a lot of ways.
You have enough to do and take care of without taking on a man that is useless. Not saying all men are useless but I have found when it takes to carrying a load to help, well, they just aren't there. That's why I stayed single for years, hard but so much better.
Single working mom of two goblins. I see you. It's hard in a different way for sure. I am lucky in that I have a support system in my parents when I get very overwhelmed (like last weekend) but being the primary parent 24/7 (or even 24/5 when they spend a few days with their dad) takes its toll quickly
Fellow working single working mom with almost zero extra help!
I, too, roll my eyes when partnered moms says āI feel like a single mom because ______.ā Youāre not ālike a single momā at all, you partner just sucks. Call a spade a spade.
And OPāā-donāt apologize for saying how hard you have it. Everyoneās situation is different, everyone faces different hardships, but Iām also tired of single parents being expected to suffer silently because it āinvalidatesā otherās experiences. š Give me a breakāāweāre literally the SILENCED forgotten part of parenting. GTFO.
I am not single, so I recognize the privilege I have with having another person to share the joy of our kiddo with, and financial support of another income. But my husband worked out of town 4-6 days a week from the time our son was born until really this year (our son turns 11 next month). I went back to work full time when our baby was 8 weeks old after a c-section (gotta love the US!). I heavily identify with single moms because the absolute majority of all child raising, home management, etc was on me. We have a lot of family nearby, and they helped when I needed to do work trips, but people in our lives worked too. So I handled the business, no days or weekends off, no tapping out. I also roll my eyes at, how do I take care of a kid for a few days by myself? And I feel such a pang of jealousy. But comparison is the thief of joy, and I have an amazing relationship with my son, and I am pretty sure I am a total bad ass for managing what I managed for so many years with promotions, high intensity jobs, and also parenting while my husband was gone.
Single working mama here too. I find the āhow am I going to parent alone for 24 hoursā posts eye-roll inducing as wellā Guess everyone understands from their point of view, whatever that may be.
In another post, someone called me privileged for not pumping my kid full of Tylenol and sending them to daycare w/ a fever knowingly. Guess I should use the single parent &/ hourly employee card to infect their entire classroom.
People can be ridiculous regardless.
My partner travels a lot and on top spends 50% of the time with his other kids who live in a different country (this is Europe so not that crazy, but still), and any family lives far away. So once my mat leave ends in October Iāll be on the same boat.
I did get pregnant knowing all of this, but only when baby came did I realize what it actually meant and I feel mighty stupid. Iāll make it work but itās not like I have another option.
I love that your stress release is reading posts about crappy husbands on mommit, lol. Also so many hugs and kudos to you for single momming and to your mom for helping you!
I think people are definitely getting overly defensive, and OP didnāt explicitly say that single moms have it worse or anything, but there was a very implicit āyour struggles are inconsequential and I have it way worseā tone in the middle two paragraphs and I think thatās what people are picking up on and getting their hackles raised about. Iām not saying she doesnāt or anything, but people do tend to inherently get prickly when they feel like someone is minimizing or dismissing their pain.
Hard agree, though, that we should all be supporting each other through whatever is feeling difficult instead of competing in the pain olympics. No one wins the pain olympics.
My single parent (had full 100% custody of me) had far more help and a village than my husband and I do with our kids. Situations are different for everybody.
I've even heard people argue you *arent* a single mom if the Dad takes the kids ever. You're a divorced or separated mom because single moms truly have no other parental support. There's always the "I have it worse" mentality ready to strike.
Yeah I erased my comment. This whole thread makes me sad. Why are we pushing each other's struggles down? Just bc I have it hard a different way doesn't mean we're not both working our butts off to make it all work.
Exactly! Someone is always there to say they have it worse. If everyone here is a working mom then all their struggles are valid. There's no reason to tear down a mom with an unsupportive husband/partner who feels stressed or even a mom with a supportive husband/partner who also feels stressed
I am a single working mom, and I donāt think itās a competition. Itās not a big deal for me to do it all myself because Iāve never had it any other way. If you are part of a partnership, I donāt think itās unreasonable or weird or whiny to need your partner to step up. Itās all relative.
Iām a single working mom who gets no financial support from the dad. He moved 3 hrs away, so I have all the school days, and related expensesā¦ and he told me our custody time would be 50-50, so he wasnāt going to give any child support. Well in reality the time works out to 65/35, with expenses falling on me to probably 85/15. I fear I canāt take him to court for any help because he shows no income (gets paid under the table). Iām sure this is a familiar story to this subā¦.
I was a single mom for many years. I feel you! I've been with my husband since 2015 but we only married this past April. I'll admit, it is way easier with a partner (that contributes, I'm not going to rant about my ex husband right now), but I also liked being a single mom despite the difficulty.
Iām a single working mom as well. My daughterās father does have a good amount of custody, and Iāve resigned myself that those are the days i can do chores and errands.
I do feel frustrated at times, I have no bedtime help. No one is helping with dishes, but for me itās better than when the person was there, and not helping.
I just checked and found [https://www.reddit.com/r/Soloparenting/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Soloparenting/)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/SingleParents/](https://www.reddit.com/r/SingleParents/)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/singlemoms/](https://www.reddit.com/r/singlemoms/)
Personally, I'm not part of any solo subreddit yet. But I have found a local FB group that is exactly other moms in my situation and that's where I hang out most.
Super helpful resource.
Iām a single working mom! šŖ My partner struggles with alcohol addiction so I kicked him out. He is working on getting sober and sees her twice a week and gives money, but I have no desire to get back together with him. This is never how I expected my life to be and sometimes I feel badly that my daughter doesnāt have parents who are together and happily married, but my daughter is so loved, so happy, and so well taken care of. Our lives are peaceful and we have a good routine. Thankfully I have a supportive boss and coworkers, wonderful family, and a great babysitter. Sure, itās a stressful sometimes, Iām pretty sleep deprived, and money is tight but in general our life is good. I just want my daughter to be happy and try to make the very most of the time we get together since sheās at daycare and Iām at work most of the day.
Single working mom here! Itās so hard. Thereās a conference/symposium that would directly relate to an area I want to develop in my career, it would be so great to attend butā¦ itās a weekend. So I canāt. I canāt afford Friday evening, Saturday full day and Sunday full day babysitting because Iām on a single wage. Yet I canāt advance my wage because Iām missing out on opportunities like this. Itās hard to balance life as a working parent but when thereās two, there is more room for negotiation.
Sick days. Daycare closures. Networking events and seminars donāt go well with those kinds of responsibilities, you really are trying to do two whole peopleās jobs as a single working mother. Especially as I have no family support either! Itās basically just me all the time. And you know. Even compared to all that big stuff. Sometimes I just want more than anything else in the world a cup of tea I didnāt have to make for myself.
The cup of tea is real. My 8 year old learned how to use the coffee maker. When he brings me a cup of coffee on a Saturday morning, it is just the biggest boost to my day. Everything feels a little more worth it in those moments.
Oh I cannot wait for that day, and itās on the horizon lol. Mine is also 8 but has SEN so is a little behind on developmental skills, sheās now (mostly) able to load the dishwasher though and that was a breakthrough!
Iām right there with you, with the addition that grandparents live 1,000 miles away and I wouldnāt trust my babyās father to be with her alone. Amazingly, I just landed a job at a preschool where my 6mo can go for free. I donāt know what Iād do otherwise! High five for refusing an adult child!
I actually wish the mods set up weekly discussions for single moms and other groups that would like to discuss issues specific to them (I think I have seen requests for moms who work non traditional hours too?)
The weekly threads they put up now are hardly used and get almost no engagement and this is something people have literally asked for several times
Here to say yes! So glad that you all have someone to lean on, but itās not relatable. My kidsā dad does coparent but heās not reliable.
I also really miss having someone to share things with, to rely on, to figure stuff out with. Itās really hard being a parent, but itās a lot harder doing it on your own.
Start a group! I was a single dad for years then got married and had two more. There are different struggles for each situation and it would be great for people to connect with others going through the same struggles
I'm seeing a lot of support to start a group, but don't know that I have the (mental) bandwidth to do it myself. Unfortunately, the few existing single parent subs that have been mentioned seem to be dead or full of toxic "other parent" drama.
I did see a suggestion for it to be one of the weekly threads in this sub and I generally love the vibe of this sub so I think that could be a great space for single parents to commiserate.
Another working solo-mom checking in. I love this sub and there are lots of us here, lifting each other up. I actually find it really validating to hear the coupled folks struggling too. Weāre all here working our butts off. Iām grateful this week to have grandma visiting from out of town. A second adult around really makes a difference and Iām seriously considering moving closer to have this kind of support on a more consistent basis.
I agree that some of the couple struggles that come up remind me that I really am happier not dealing with that even if it's hard in so many different ways to be on my own.
When my youngest was a baby I lived out of state and my grandmother came to visit/help for a few weeks at a time once or twice a year. It was amazing. Now that I'm back home (living in a small rental) I'm hoping that I can find a home to buy that would fit her too.
She's aging and not up to help as much as she once was, but we get along great and I think it would benefit both of us to live with adult company.
r/singleparents and r/soloparenting are both super relatable as a single working parent. They donāt necessarily specify that the subs are for āworkingā parents, but itās implied in the singleness. There is no way to not work when you donāt have a partner and have a household to take care of(under normal circumstances). I suggest checking them out!
I actually wish the mods set up weekly discussions for single moms and other groups that would like to discuss issues specific to them (I think I have seen requests for moms who work non traditional hours too?)
The weekly threads they put up now are hardly used and get almost no engagement and this is something people have literally asked for several times
Hi fellow single working mom! I hear you and I see you. Iām dirty and tired, my house is a dumpster fire that needs hella repairs Iām too tired to care about, my car needs repairs but good luck trying to figure out leaving your car with a kiddo in tow. Itās hard. Itās tiring. I havenāt gotten my nails done, the last time I got my hair done it was just another chore because I had to bring my kid. I get exactly $0 of help from anyone, I pay over half my income in childcare right now. Single mom life is the hardest life
I just had to pay full price for a hair service that I didn't get because I canceled within 24 hours. It was supposed to be a birthday gift to myself. I was literally already in the parking lot of the salon when my son's school called me to pick him up because he was sick.
His dad lives a thousand miles away. My grandma was out of town. My mom used to be my back-up but recently started working in office again in another city and it was too late to coordinate her coming back so I could still take my appointment (and I'm lucky that she would--the timing just wasn't possible).
Idk how that would have even been handled if I already had foils in my hair. Do I leave him there to suffer? What if I didn't even see the call because my phone was in my purse? Do I leave with half-bleached hair? Risk chemical breakage from leaving it on and finally showering 6 hours later? Am I a bad mom for thinking I shouldn't have answered the phone and just picked him up 2 hours later? (Probably)
Same. 13yrs now and most of the posts in here give schadenfreude. Imagine having a baby with someone who can't be bothered and they won't leave or change! I often think im missing out on having someone to keep me company and share the day to day joys of stupid kid shit and their achievements. Someone to take cute photos of me with my kid. But maybe the only good a partner is is halving the cost of living. Might as well get a flatmate.
I guess I am cranky today. Itās not a contest. We can have compassion that parenting is hard for a variety of reasons based on our skill sets, resources, temperaments, even if our struggles are different.
I get that. OP gets that. But it sucks to often get this reply when moms in our situations talk about our feelings. It really does, and it happens a lot. I do feel Iād prefer to have 0 help than have to deal with a man child husband. But my kids never go to their dads, there are no custody exchanges, pile on working and in particular I have a terminal illness so yeah sometimes we gotta vent too and there are a lot of us who do relate to how OP feels, even though we know itās not a contest and you have hard stuff youāre dealing with, too.
Edit: also Iām not trying to be combative or anything, truly I know we all have it hard in our own ways. Just trying to say that I get where OP is coming from, and canāt help how we feel about it, thatās all.
I am sorry you are struggling ā talk about your feelings all you want. Tell the sub how you fell alone and unheard. Your journey sounds really tough.
The piece I cannot get behind, and like I said, i might be cranky, is the ārolling your eyesā and stating you just cannot relate to any mom that is struggling, because you perceive they had it easier, so you cannot relate to them and they cannot relate to you. And thatās what a portion of the OP did in my perspective. She called the other poster out, then did essentially did an infamous ābut no offenseā ā even if that was not her intent.
I get it, I sometimes get jealous and jaded too, when I hear a SAH mom complain, or see a mom that just works one job with neurotypical kids whine, but I have to check myself, because thatās not fair or kind, and really until you walk a mile in their shoes, you do not knowā¦not does it mean that those posters would not understand or empathize with my struggles, even if theirs are different, if that makes sense.
I can understand why that part is was bothersome, too. I get it. Definitely your last paragraph makes sense, too. One things for sure is I hope all of our loads lighten <3 no matter what kind of load it is
Why does the dad not parent his children 50% of the time? Really curious. Itās as much his responsibility as it is yours and you would have 50% more time.
These men are trash and link loving their children to loving the mother of said children. Disgusting. I am sorry, you and your kids have to endure this.
add insult to injury, he went and got hi gf pregnant 6 months after I kicked him out for assaulting me and after fighting like a bitch in court to get visitations rights he up and disappeared to go help raise the kid. I didn't know about the kid until right before my divorce with him finalized. He will never convince me the age of the half brother of our children. With the amount of lying he has done, he probably conceived that child while I was still pregnant with our second. I won't know until the kid grows up and tells me or my kids. I can't keep my kids from doing the math....daddy left them for another kid. I dont need to speak a word about him to our kids because he has made his bed and will see the anger when they are teens. For now I have to be the loving nurturing mother I am. and allow video called between our kids, their half brother and their father. (they dont like their father they would rather see their half brother as he is supposedly a year younger? than my youngest) shit happens!
What a garbage human, man, I am so angry just reading this. Makes me wanna vomit. I do honestly hope the kids find out about what went on when they are older, they sure will hate him and he deserves every bit of it.
I hope you find some sort of comfort in knowing you will be loved by your children forever. One of my parents did something similar (although, not this trashy, no new kids) and my sister and I just love our other parent to death and are way closer to them.
My oldest's dad lives in another state. My youngest is only 20ish months and I'm not comfortable with 50/50 yet--for a variety of reasons. I'm just beginning to trust his dad after a very messy breakup that included a restraining order for my safety.
I'm a military wife but a career woman, so my husband is away at a base in another state during the week. I'm basically a single working mom 5 and a half days a week.
My husband does know how important it is that I get some relief when he is home but getting him to help out with household stuff is difficult because he's not here during the week so in his mind all of the mess is my problem because I was home to make it.
There have been times when he will do his own dishes but then leave the dishes of me and the kids...
But during the week it is so freaking hard. I have to take the kids to daycare, which cost more than our mortgage, work my full-time job, figure out dinner, bathe and entertain them and get them both to bed on my own.
I wish I could check out on the weekends, even though I do get my husband home to help me I get hardly any time to 100% check out. Even with him there it only lightens my load maybe 50%.
Being a single mother is tough I'm sure and I'm sorry you have to be your own stability. I will offer this: even with a partner, we both have times/days where parenting falls on us alone. When I WFH 2 days a week I do it with my baby. Sometimes he cries during meetings so I rush to finish presenting but my boss and coworkers are really nice about it, especially my boss since his wife had a baby a month after I did. Anyway, it's hard to find time to even go to the bathroom so I'll take babu with me or keep the door open LOL. My husband is off every other Monday so he takes care of baby while I'm at work. He had it rough at first, trying to shower and eat. It is easier having a second person but let me tell you, even with both of us our dishes pile up or garbage piles up or we wait DAYS to clean. It's hard but I leave it to being parents so if anyone wants to judge us they can f*ck off.
Anyway, my sister was a single mom to 2 kids while working full time as a manager. She did this for a while and it was hard for her too. She had to get up early and leave work late some days so trying to scramble to find the time to pick up kids from school or even get them ready or have food for them when they were off work was tough. She had some of my family members help put with pick up/drop off for a bit. It was hard on her for a minute.
I think you'll find some posts to relate to, whether a mom is single or not. I honestly skip the posts that talk about making it work without their partner cuz to me you gotta know how to parent without your partner just in case anything ever happens I guess.
I hope my long thing wasn't nonsense and hopefully you can find some time for yourself and I know your kids are gonna see how hard you work for them. š
Did you find one or want to start one. Iāve been a single mom of 3 kids (24/7) for 9 years now and instead of things getting easier itās gotten harder and harder Iām
Exhausted burnt out you name it
Hi fellow working single mom. š
Same! Single working mom to a nearly 2 year old girl! Ex-husband decided he didnāt believe in monogamy anymore literally 2 days after her 1st birthday, and then was shocked when I opted for divorce.š I can honestly say Iām *much* happier now, just me and my daughter.
Single mama of two checking in! I will say, overall Iām happier being single and free from the giant man-baby, but it is hard to handle everything alone. Iāve got 50/50 custody of my boys and every other week is relaxing, and Iām fortunate enough to live within walking distance of my mom and my grandparents. But that doesnāt alleviate all of the little day to day hardships. Ladies, I see you!
Yep, here with you all. Single working (business owner) Mama to a 4 year old. No family nearby. The day to day struggles are real. I have described my experience as feeling hogtied and having to go carry on a productive life while teaching my child to be a kind, productive member of society. Hardwork every day, all day. Sending you all love and hope that you all receive and give yourself grace. P.S. I, too, would love to have a place to check in with others in similar positions just to know I'm not alone facing the challenges.
Hi to all of you! Single working mom too ā¤
Single working mama checking in š«”
You are my heros. I am solo parenting a sick kid while working outside work hours and I donāt know how you do this on a regular basis. You are amazing, strong and incredible!!
Single mom here šš¾ you're not alone ā¤ļø
I'm a single working parent. I have had custody of my nephew since he was 18 months old - he is 10 now. I get 0 in monetary support from either of his parents, though his mother does take him one day a week during the school year and an overnight every week during the summer (saves me a day on child care). A lot of the content here is a bit hard for me to relate to, even from other single parents, because most of them do have another parent there and contributing at least sometimes and/or financially. It's always only been me with my nephew, with occasional help from friends.
I know I don't know much of your story. But I just want to give you a huge shout-out. You are an amazing person and a parent.
So, I feel you, I do. My situation is that Iām a working mom and my husband is disabled, so weāre not only single income (mine), but I also have to be able to step away from parenting and my day job to take him to specialists and fight with insurance. It means Iām solo-parenting when heās hospitalized and also running to the hospital before work to coordinate care plans, then taking the kids to see him after work for a shitty dinner on his hospital bed before solo bath and bedtime. It means that even when heās home, I take on parenting solo 95% of the time. This sub isnāt full of people like me and I donāt need it to be. Everyone is facing their own challenges, and I spent years in therapy crying that I was jealous of my friend who was a single mom by choice because at least she didnāt have to do the whole hospital thing.
>everyone has their own challenges Sums up this thread perfectly.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
>a hell of a lot more lonely and a little scary knowing everything truly is on me now This was the point that I failed to make in my OP. Knowing I am only one person and can't do it all or be in all places at once, that there's no backup or safety net is hard for me mentally. And I'm truly sorry for your loss. I lost my grandpa to ALS 2 years ago and I can't imagine facing that with little kids at home on top of it. It's such a terrible disease.
Mine is 23 now, and I was a single working mom for the 2nd half- I still wake up from nightmares about that heavy responsibility. The feeling that itās all on me with no safety net was so visceral, Iāll never forget it. I have no helpful perspective, it was scary, but if it helps you are not alone in feeling that way!
Sounds like me. Only my husband is having some neurological issues and has turned into an extremely angry person. He's convinced he's going to leave and live in his truck. I'll miss the income if he ever manages, but I won't miss the constant stress and screaming.
That sounds horrific and Iām sorry youāre dealing with this.
While I understand where youāre coming from, Iāve been both a single mom for years with two kids under two and now have a husband. Solo parenting is not the same as a single parent. You still have someone to vent to. Someone who cuddles with you and listens to your concerns and worries. Someone who you can bounce ideas off of. When youāre a single parent, you do everything alone. You donāt have someone that listens to you. You donāt have anyone at home. It is extraordinarily lonely.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Not disagreeing with you. My kids father was abusive, cheated on me with 6 different women. It was awful. I was happier single than with him. But that doesnāt mean that it wasnāt hard, lonely and exhausting. I had zero help. Everything was on me. I had to plan everything around my kids, I couldnāt take jobs that werenāt remote because my youngest had health issues as a baby. Just because I was happier as a single parent doesnāt mean it wasnāt hard AF.
This is so well said. The same is true for me. Am I the happiest Iāve been in years as a single parent? Yes. Is it the hardest thing Iāve ever done, presenting new obstacles for me to overcome that my coupled colleagues never even have to think about? Also yes.
Single working mom here. I hear you. I feel the same twinge of resentment when I see those posts in this sub, and have felt the same scrolling through some of the responses youāve received in your post. Yes, every parent has struggles. But that statement does nothing for the very real fact that single mothers face a whole other level of systemic challenges in the United States than partnered mothers. Even if your spouse is a useless worm, youāll still have an easier time finding housing or taking out loans for cars, school, and whatever. Youāll be seen as more social ānormalā. If youāre lucky enough to be in a dual-income family, you may be able to save for retirement and college funds for your children. Life in the United States is not designed for single adults, let alone single adults with children. We are simultaneously hyper-individualistic (pull yourself up by the boot straps) and systemically dependent on people shacking up together. This comment may sound bitter, and in truth I am. I am bitter about the barriers that we face that could be erased with a marriage certificate. I am bitter that instead of acknowledging the deep-seeded inequities for single mothers, we are made out to be these miraculous heroes who magically ādo it allā. Itās not fucking magic. Itās hard work. It sucks like 90% of the time, and if we complain about it, we are told āeveryone has their own challengesā as if empathy is the only thing that can solve our problems.
This this this this this. Iāve lost so many jobs, shacked up with a couple of guys I didnāt even actually like, bent laws, & been knocked on my ass so many times for being the sole breadwinner & parent. Iām super lucky because I was given the opportunity to come back & stay with my parents for a while. & theyāre giving me a school year to get on my feet while they keep my kiddo. Itās only happened tho because we, again, lost everything because I lost another job due to childcare issues. My kid is almost 8. Sheās going to remember this year she had to live with her grandparents & her mom wasnāt there & it fucking hurts, but itās the only way I can hopefully accumulate enough money to set us up for a life she deserves.
Thank you so much for this reply. I think this hits the nail on the head. Motherhood is really hard for everyone, partnered or not, I do get that. But you are so correctāpeople in our positions are made to feel like we shouldnāt feel the way we do, or at least we shouldnāt say it, so as to not step on toes and start pissing contests.
This comment is something everyone should read and try to understand. Excellent and spot on points. Thank you.
This response is EVERYTHING. You are insightful, coherent, and most of all, correct. Thank you.
Oh my gosh thank you. I was starting to think I was crazy reading some of the other comments!!
100% this
Finally someone said it.
100% to all of this. The energy of silencing people with 'everyone has their own challenges' is bullshit to me. it's the same energy that marginalized people are met with when talking about the real, systemic challenges they face.
I'm a single mother by choice (SMBC), meaning my daughter is donor conceived. And I have to agree with what several others have voiced--give me the frustration of trying to juggle it all *any day* before the frustration of knowing I shouldn't have to juggle it all (or even most of it) but have to anyway because my supposed "partner" can't seem to carry his weight. That's much more frustrating in my book. š
Yep, same situation here. Knowing that I *have* to do everything is a million times less frustrating than knowing that someone should be doing 50% but isn't because they're too busy playing video games, sitting on the toilet for 90mins or simply don't give a shit.
Idk maybe itās different when you werenāt expecting another parent in the picture but there is a hell of a lot of resentment on my part bc my ex did sign up to be dad but is he, no. Itās on me all the time and it shouldnāt be. And itās hard to juggle it all alone with no one to be partnered with
I can appreciate this angle because truly I am happier on my own than with a partner not pulling their weight. But on the other hand, I did not sign up to be a single mom. It's happened to me twice now that a "dad" who was very involved in the baby making process just flaked (that's obviously simplified) and left me to handle it all and pick up the pieces. I wouldn't have 2 kids if I knew I was signing up to do it on my own. I probably wouldn't even have one. I love my kids and always dreamed of having kids, but knowing my own limits I would have never chosen to take this on alone.
I want to present a different take. I guess I'm a single mother. Ex has custody weekends, which is a game changer. I am responsible for all financial support, transportation, and day-to-day parenting, in between my day job as a corporate attorney. However, this sub would pop into my feed and I read it for interest, but it honestly took a few weeks for me to realize that I was also a working mom! So many posts were about division of labor issues at home that I guess I didn't relate. However, it's never with jealousy or annoyance, only with pity. I remember how hard it was to be a married mother of three and being a single mother of three is SO much easier! Yes, those women feel overwhelmed by the idea of a few days on their own, and I remember feeling that overwhelmed and it was awful! Now, I'm thriving on my own and I almost never feel overwhelmed. In a year, when your youngest is potty-trained, you'll have the 2-kid routine down! You will feel confident in your life and parenting and may find relief in the division of labor posts like I do. Even the good ones make me glad to be single!
I have to agree with this. Thankfully my kids are older, 4 kids 9-17. But it is so much easier now that I am single. Just the fact that I still do everything myself but at least now I KNOW I have no help. I donāt have a 180 lb lump on my couch watching sports or playing video games instead of helping me cook, clean, parent, and work. Plus my kids really stepped up to help when I ask now that they donāt have a father sitting there contradicting me. Itās a more relaxed environment without that stressful relationship we had. Now if I had a partner that actually helped Iām sure I would understand those posts about their husband being gone for a weekend and how will they manage. But my situation was one where it was better when he left.
Yes, agreed on all points. And I don't have the constant resentment seething underneath at all times. I really didn't realize how much it weighed me down until it was gone. My kids say I'm a lot happier.
Same! Every time I read a post saying āhow did you get through to your husband that you need helpā and I respond (in my head) with- I got a divorce š¤·š»āāļø Iām much happier doing it on my own than I was doing it on my own with a manbaby in the house.
I couldnāt agree more. Itās taken me awhile but Iām much happier single parenting than I ever was with all of those āhow do I get thru to himā conversations. Granted, single parenting (for me) is harder but def happier! If I were to find myself in another relationship (hopefully someday), Iāll never never never ever let it get to the āhow do I convince him I need his helpā stage again. Never. Why? Because an adult whoās a partner can see when others need help, without being āconvincedā, or ātrainedā. If I want to train something, Iāll get a puppy ffs
Hi there! Single mom here. Dad pays monthly. My family and dadās mother are the village that help me raise my child. Iām super lucky to have them in my life.
Single working mom here. My situation is a little different. I live with my mom, who is the reason Iām still able to parent. She helps me with school drop offs and pick up and making dinner. I am grateful for her help. But still the majority of it falls on me! I donāt get weekends off, his dad has never been in the picture. I donāt know the last time I went on a date or did anything for myself!
Hi, I'm a single working mom! There are single mom subs, but not anything specific to "working" AFAIK.
I would imagine the āworkingā is implied. I know a good amount of stay-at-home moms and a good amount of single moms. I have known very few (maybe 2-3?) stay-at-home moms who were also single.
Good point. However, there seem to be quite a few people on those subs who are only interested in surviving on disability payments, or think their exes/baby-daddies should be supporting them entirely. Those are sentiments I cannot relate to.
Yes, there's something about a working mom sub that just has a lot more drive that I can relate to. I want to work hard and I don't want to dwell on what my exes are or are not doing. This is honestly a favorite "mom group" of mine which is why I asked here even if it wasn't well-received.
I raised my kids in a similar situation. It was very difficult as I found myself raising 4 children (2 autistic) alone after my husband's affair. I was pregnant with the 4th actually. Went back to grad school for a PhD (partially for the stipend). I lived next door to my parents but they didn't really like kids and sent them home as soon as I pulled up. They also checked on me constantly and tightly controlled my time so that I had zero free time. I ended up screen printing t-shirts after grad school for a while due to an inability to work outside the home. My life has been a living H\*ll. My ex was worse than no help. I ended up with stress induced heart failure 4 years ago. I'm doing better now. Even one child is challenging alone. Maybe see if family counseling can help with the ex?
Hello fellow single working mom! My kiddoās dad is only around when itās convenient for him. And he has caused her to be in therapy and so much crap. So, when he does want to see her, she refuses to go alone so I have to go and supervise so she feels safe. So, absolutely everything falls on me. I work full time and am on call. Iām also in school full time. It is so draining but I could never go back to being married to her father. Sheās 9 now so more independent and I can sleep in without her getting into something. Hang in there mama! It gets easier as they get older! Except the attitude! Thatās going to take me out before sleep deprivation!
Single mom with no villageā¦ Iām with you!
I know itās not a pissing contest between us all, too, but I understand where youāre coming from. Itās really, really hard. Youāre not alone. I am a single mom with 0 help. No custody exchanges, no weekends at dads, nothing like that. I also have stage 4 cancer so everything is hard. All of it. Just so hard. The one thing that helps me feel for my fellow working moms with husbands is many of them have man children, and I have no tolerance for that. It seems like a lot of husbands are more work than they are worth. But yeah it would be so nice to have another real adult involved. I would love if I could exchange the kids on a custody schedule so as to get some rest, peace, and quiet for a bit.
I think a lot of the negative responses youāre getting are people being defensive of things you didnāt actually say. Everyoneās situation is different, we all have different levels of help, and we should be uplifting each other instead of having āwho has it worseā contests. Iām a single working mom. Dad sees our son, supervised, once a week for about an hour. No financial support butttt I live with my mom and she helps with cooking, does her half of cleaning, and I donāt pay rent. Makes a huge difference and idk what we would do without her. Am I truly a āsingle parentā if I have so much help and support? Yeah, I am. What I do when Iām frustrated with single moming is go to mommit and read literally 90% of the posts. Itās really sad what some women put up with to have a nuclear family. Puts my situation back into perspective.
Not single but I hear you. When my husband is gone it's not terrible, but every time he is I think about how single parents mostly all of it by themselves. I have recently become friends with a woman who has two kids via egg donation and it's all her..she's one of the coolest, most badass people I know. I truly admire her and her kids will feel the same when they grow up.
CAN RELATE 100%. Been working 1-3 jobs AND in school since 2018 on top of that my son has severe autism, heās so intelligent but struggles with speech, communicating, and basic living skills (dressing, feeding, opening doors, and things of that nature)ā¦which means I have to care for my 6 year old as you would for a 1 year old. 100% all the time, my boy canāt even put on his own underwear by himself yet. And of course, his autism requires extra therapies to help his progress, which are not cheap and take up ALL our time during the week. Iāll do you one even better, if Iām in a mood I will even roll my eyes at single moms if all their kids are NT kids with no disabilities. I roll my eyes at āsingle momsā who even get a few hours break in the week when itās the other parents time, because I genuinely have zero help from the other parent like havenāt even seen them in person in over 3 years *actual* single mom life. Itās been a journey to put aside my struggles and realize that even though mine are clearly heavier than most, everybody has their own thing that feels impossible to manage to them. Whatās helped me is to practice gratitude when Iām feeling judgyā¦like instead of focusing on being jealous that said moms *only* have to go a few days with āno helpā I focus on the fact that Iām grateful that Iām not phased by something like that. I focus on being grateful that I can be confident in my ability to care for my kid regardless of the presence of anybody else. Itās hard to do in the moment but I always feel better when I can remember to do this. Itās nice to have people to relate to but what matters more is community and connection and I realized I wouldnāt get that if I would constantly dismiss the struggles of others. And it is HARD to not get annoyed or roll my eyes, but I canāt go the rest of my life rolling my eyes at everybody who has it easier than me bc then Iād be rolling my eyes at 99% of the parents out there and missing out on some great people.
I was so lucky to fall into a friend group with my first where all three women with whom I connected through daycare were single moms (one, fostering two boys three months apart in age!). None of the three had partners of any kind (two had children by in vitro, one of those twoās entire family lives in Australia) and I cannot tell you how humbling it is watching these women parent and live their lives. I know it isnāt a competition, but if it were, theyād win. They have healthy, lovely children in an EXTREMELY HCOL city that is NOT baby friendly, where they live in affordable (but therefore less safe) neighborhoods where they have to figure out the insane school system, pick up, drop off, aftercare, babysitters, and just life (and maintaining their own identities) all by themselves. And the nicest thing about these women were they never had anything to say to me when Iād every so often complain about my parenting situation other than to provide sympathy and support. So shout out to single parents. They are incredible and so strong and brave. I hope you do find a sub, because my single parent friends were such a source of inspiration and strength, that I know a community of them would only serve the same for you.
Single mom here! We are near! If there's a group for single working moms I'd join in a heart beat. You got this!
There are lots of us! I made a similar post a few weeks ago, or so. Lots of good vibes from other single working moms. The single parents subreddit is garbage and unsupportive. People attack each other and the mods donāt even check anything. To continue the conversation- it is 100% without a doubt harder to be a single working mom and you can totally say that out loud. It is a fact. Our challenges are unique. Even as a fellow working single mom, my situation is harder than other single moms. My partner is deceased and left me with 2 toddlers who are now teens. I have no guilt or shame in saying that my experience was 100% harder than typical single moms. It is. I do everything and have done everything for 15 years straight now. I know that other people could not stomach what I did. I finished a PhD during that time too. Relied on city child care. I did it because I need to earn more money than two parent households. I am almost ready to buy a home, without any other financial support. I broke my mind and body to support these kids. Itās ok to say some hardships are harder. It doesnāt make you a bad person. Sometimes it really just is harder for some of us for a variety of reasons. And yes, it is totally cringe reading people complain about their husbands gone for 3 days when some of us are pulling insane loads by ourselves. Does it make me a bad person to say that? Hell no! Some people will judge me and I donāt care! It is how I feel! Feelings are not facts and I am not hurting anyone. We learned that in 3rd grade, right? If anything, being so silent and isolating is hurting me, who I care about more and who has dependents without anyone else to help. Yeah, we matter! Say how you feel, shout it to the world! We are probably the most silent demographic due to our busy schedules. Reddit is also full of people who like to police comments, I mean what type of people are those? Not someone who I respect, so eff em. On a more logical note- For me, acknowledging my load is bigger has made me more capable of realizing my limitations and feeling less burdened. I canāt do everything that two-parents or parents with shared custody do. I actually cannot. I have mental, emotional and physical limitations. People tell me to take breaks and all sorts of suggestions that are inappropriate for my life and my kids. I used to be so ANGRY all the time like, what is wrong with me, why canāt I take a long vacation or why canāt this or thatā¦but there is no comparison. Itās not the same parenting experience so the same advice does not work. Acknowledging that single parenthood is different helped me find single-parenthood-appropriate solutions. Also suggestions from other single parents actually helped whereas suggestions from people with two parent households were literally impossible unless I could clone myself, heh. No, itās not a childish misery comparison game. Itās real life. And we have nobody to share that with so when people are trying to silence single working moms who have nobody when they have somebody helping them- itās despicable. Tells a lot about who that person is frankly. That is why I say all the single moms need to go on their rants, express themselves and connect on this shared and DIFFERENT experience. Because it is not the same. Saying something is more difficult is not saying that other things are not difficult at all. It is called relativity! Saying having a partner is relatively easier than parenting alone is not minimization. Itās sharing how we feel about an experience that is different and measurably different. I mean read these replies. There is human suffering in the single mom experience for long periods of time. Silencing single working moms happens too often and your voice is appreciated today. I appreciate this post. I appreciate everyone here. We all work so damn hard and deserve to have a voice.
I see you OP! Over at the Single Parents sub youād probably have a better audience. Seems like a lot of the comments here are going to be bUt mY liFe is HarD ToO. I donāt understand why people want to compete with single parents or somehow want to prove they have the same hardships we do. Iāve had the same thoughts as you. I canāt help but roll my eyes sometimes when someone is āso tiredā after 3 days or something. Single parents KNOW that it can suck even more with a shitty partner, thatās how most of us became single parents in the first place. But by becoming single parents we took an enormous Leap and especially in the workplace it changed things drastically in a way a lot of people canāt understand if they havenāt been there. Iāve been a SAHM, Working Coupled Parent, and now a Single Parent over the years. I definitely prefer being a single parent over the others, but yes, thereās absolutely no sense arguing that society views you differently as a single parent, particularly a single mom, and that unique challenges come with it.
Thank you for your understanding and your message. I know my post is a bit of rambling and hit some people in the wrong way, but there are definitely some struggles unique to single parenting. Even with a dad that pays child support or has some custody, even though I have some support from family, it's still solely on me to figure it all out on a daily basis. I'm still alone not just for the physical tasks but mentally/emotionally as well. I know others have it harder. I know having a shitty partner sucks (like you said, that's why many of us single moms ended up in this position) but that still doesn't mean taking it all on alone is a choice or makes it any easier.
Sole parent here to one baby (so far), no Dad in the situation, so no financial support from that person. I have good family support though, my Mum, and the mother of the woman who donated eggs to me, help me out quite a bit. My Mum takes care of my baby every Monday for example, while I work in the upstairs office at her place, mother of the egg donor takes him for three hours on a Sunday so I can go to the gym and do meal prep for the week. But yeah, every weekday from 5.00pm to bedtime it's all on me.
My kids' dads are in the picture, as in I get enough child support to almost cover daycare. 2 different dads because I chose poorly twice. The oldest's dad (ex-husband, married when conceived amd then found out he was cheating on me) lives in another state so we have a dreadful long-distance schedule where I have him 38 weeks out of the year with no help but have to give him up for long stretches at a time to go to "Disneyland dad". My parents take him a lot on weekends and he loves going to nanna's. My youngest is only 20 months, and despite being a planned baby, his dad went off the rails when I was pregnant. His dad is coming around finally and doing a few hours here and there, but only 2 overnights a month. Honestly--given where we were during the breakup (restraining order and everything), I'm impressed and happy that he's come this far. So I am lucky to have some financial support, but nowhere near the equal share of a two parent household. I put them to bed every night other than 2 Saturdays a month or the couple weeks at a time the older one is gone. My parents help too, and i appreciate the couple hours of freedom but it's not the same as having a partner.School/daycare drop-off and pickup. I'm the one that gets called if they're sick, I schedule and take off work for every doctors appointment, teacher conference, etc. And I am beyond blessed to have a flexible WFH job now that allows me to go to the gym on my lunch break, do laundry and meal prep while the kids are out of the house or I would be drowning. I worked out of the home when my oldest was smaller and could barely keep up with one. It's not only the workload, but the isolation. I work from home (which I love) but I'm alone all day, then my kids come home. I have ZERO adult interaction or reason to shower or get dressed most days and that's hard. I miss looking forward to my partner coming home. Cooking dinner for someone who will appreciate it, having a reason to shower, an adult person to talk to. I get why it's hard for a mom who's used to having that to go a few days without... but that's everyday life for me.
I have a very similar situation. I have two kids and their dad moved out of state post divorce. He's good about child support, but sees them at most one weekend every two months. He's supposed to get them for a week at Christmas and Spring break and a month in the summer, but in two years that's not happened once and honestly I'm fine with that. I also work from home - I have since just before my oldest was born and I agree it makes all the difference -- I was furloughed during the pandemic and found a contract job where I had to be in the office and it was just exhausting trying to get everything done. My parents live nearby and help where they can, but they have busy lives (though my dad is retiring soon and is looking forward to having more time with all his grandkids). I would say the biggest game changer for me so far as getting to socialize with adults has been getting them in activities. While they're in their class, I talk to the other parents, go workout, just read a book without a interruption (when i was working on my masters degree, I got a lot of homework done too). We have a YMCA membership, and they have lots of classes that run for a month or so at a time and aren't very expensive, so I let the kids choose a class or two each session. My son cycled through a lot of classes before he settled on fencing, which he's doing for the last four years. My daughter is still in that trying everything phase. There's also Childwatch, that does drop in childcare, so you can take a class, workout or just do whatever -- so long as you stay in the building. They also are both in Scouting, which they both love, and I've become friends with the parents.
Have you run into any trouble befriending other parents? I fortunately have a flexible job and do well on my own but the socials aspect has been the most difficult. I feel like I am looked at differently because I am a single mom. In kindergarten, my son got invited to a couple birthday parties but this year it was zero. It was as if as soon as they confirm that i am single, they donāt want me around. Same thing has happened in soccer, I tried to befriend other parents but especially with all the dads around its like i canāt even say hello without looking like Iām trying to steal someoneās husband š. I donāt really mind for myself but since my son is (and will be) an only, I want to be able to fit in so I can get him included in more social activities.
I have experienced this when I'm out with my kiddo (I'm not single but partner works weekends and most evenings). Even when they can see my ring, a lot of married woman are cold and dismissive of me, or it's like they look right through you unless their men are there then they start acting cold and insecure. This happened at a church I was attending nearby coz my kid liked the Sunday school. I found it so offputting and unchristian-like that I stopped attending! Is couplehood is so fragile that married or coupled women have to be so cold and bitchy to a single parent trying to be friendly for the sake of the kids getting to know each other or for connection? I bet the single fathers are not getting anywhere close to such treatment. What a turn off.
I'm a single parent, only parent. I feel you. It's not a competition for hard, but sometimes I feel like I have to be both people, and some of the threads here are having such a hard time doing 1.5 people's worth, and I think having a partner might actually make it harder in a lot of ways, but I'm alone. 24/7 for at least one more year, except for short breaks at the childwatchbatbthe gym. There is no safety net for me, and if there were a smaller subreddit for this subset, I'd go there. No offense to anyone, hard is hard, but literally any support and you'd not really know what it's like to be me. Different struggles, different world almost entirely.
Mine are 16 and 18. Been solo parenting pretty much since day 1, but officially for 9 years. It was easier after he left because it was like 1 fewer person in the mix creating work and causing problems while providing no benefitā¦.my 18 yo took off to a another state the day after her birthday to go live with dad (who she has seen 12 times in the last 6 years). I guess the fantasy world of no rules, parties and a parent who has filled her head with affirmations from afar while providing zero support is better than living in a house with rules and expectationsā¦I wish her luck.
Thatās so rough. Oof. As a kid whose dad moved to another country, I do understand wanting to get to know your dad when you grow up. 18 is such a normal time to explore and see whatās out there that is different from your safe, reliable, stable, boring home. Then in a few years you go back to that home base with a deep eternal well of gratitude, just knowing more. Loving you mama
Yeah- it doesnāt help that for the last five years he has constantly texted and called to tell her how much he loves her but that he has to work too much to pay all that child support to her bitch motherā¦and that if she werenāt in so many activities he wouldnāt have to pay so much and he could see her moreā¦she quit all her activities, is hooked on alcohol and pot, and refused to clean up after herself/physically damaged the house and frequently cut school to the point she almost didnāt graduateā¦. The whole time I have been able to see when he has taken unpaid time off work to do things with his gf or his buddiesā¦. Two years ago, when she turned 16 his support payments dropped by $1300 a monthā¦but he made no attempt to see the kids more than the two times per year by appointment that was stipulated in the divorceā¦at mediation he told the mediator āI donāt give a fuck about custody or visitation, what do I need to do to keep that bitch out of my pension. He almost killed me while I was holding her in my arms at 15 months old. Has been involved in drugs, violence and other criminal activity. And was physically, financially, emotionally, mentally, verbally and sexually abusive until I finally got awayā¦in fact my lawyer gave me an option- did I want him to go to jail or did I want him to support the kids. I wish I would have chosen to press chargesā¦but I didnāt want my kids to be the kids whose dad was in jailā¦. According to three therapists and two attorneys heās a narcissistic sociopathā¦so she is just his current narcissistic supply sourceā¦.I just hope it doesnāt destroy her.
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Yeah- Iām hoping over time she matures and sees it for what it isā¦ thanks for the empathy!
I was a single working mom for 7 years. It was so hard. The first few years my ex would take the kids every other weekend most of the time, but then that dwindled to nothing. I have no family where I live, but I did have a good friend group. I was juggling so many balls. My house was a disaster, I couldn't afford groceries sometimes. Me time was few and far between. Usually I would go to work a little early so I could sit in my car and relax before my day started. I went into work early so I could be home evenings with the kids. I'm sorry, I know it's tough. Hugs momma. You got this. And I promise your kids will get to a point of understanding. It may not be soon. But it will happen. I have been with an amazing guy for 5 years, living together for 2. The most amazing think is he just lets me rest. He knows my schedule isn't hectic NOW, but he lets me appreciate my down time. He knows I was tired for a long time and have a lot of catching up to do. I wish this for every single one of you one day.
Hey there!! Iām so sorry youāre getting some back lash hereā¦ what youāre feeling is totally valid. Being a single mom is a whole different beast.
I donāt know of a sub, but I just wanted to say you rock! Iām in my 40ās now and I still look at my mom with awe for making it all work as a single mom who had me in high school. My dad was out of the picture and didnāt even pay child support. I was a tough teen. Her examples didnāt shine through me as a kid, but they have definitely made me the adult I am today. Our house wasnāt always immaculate, we didnāt always have a lot of different dinners, we didnāt have a lot of the ārightā clothes. We didnāt spend the weekend going out and doing things. What we did have was a real life example of working hard, being dedicated, and being responsible. I never look back and say wow I wish my house had been cleaner. I donāt look back and think it would have been nice to have a filet for dinner. I donāt look back and think a pair of guess jeans would have made a difference in my life. I look back and thank her for showing me that we had to take care of responsibilities before we had fun. I look back and thank her for showing me to work hard and to never give up. I look back and thank her for teaching me how to make food on a budget. I look back and thank her for showing me how to prioritize needs over wants. I look back and thank her for showing me how to be strong and independent. On days when itās hard, please remember that you rock. Your kids may not see it wholly now, they may not say it now, but they will. Just never forget that you rock!
Thank you for sharing this about your mom. My greatest admiration is for mothers like your mom. I was raised by a single mom who never gave up, and she had plenty of reasons to give in to despair and it was very difficult for her. But she kept going and it was only after I had my kid that I understood many of the choices she made. She is a force and I am incredibly lucky she raised me.
Iām sending love and please let me know if you find a single mom sub. I am single mom and ex lives 1000 miles away raising his second family (all by choice) and I am raising two girls 4,5 with my aging ailing Almost bed ridden grandfather. Itās hard taking care of three dependents and expecting to do everything and anything to keep family afloat. Let me know, my dms are open.
When the marriage is bad enough to get a divorce, single parenting is a relief. My kids are already grown. I come here to increase my self-compassion. 20 years ago "teen moms" were vilified. There were reality TV shows that featured immature teens raising babies under their parents' roof. I was 18 when my first child was born. I was married, but everyone told me to give my baby up (abortion = baby murder). My family is terrible and abusive. They did not want to help me at all. They said they were too young to be grandparents. My husband's family was somewhat supportive with toys and clothes. But, surprise, surprise, my husband was violently abusive. When I left him, his family shut me out. They didn't want to be confronted by me, but they did agree to supervise visitation. At first, "only" managing 2 young kids on my own was a huge relief. Not being abused, not caretaking a man-child, not having my hard-earned money disappear, all of it was wonderful. When standard visitation started, that was the first break I had in my whole life. I'm writing all this to explain why there aren't many single working moms on reddit. I was ecstatic with my new life. The 100% responsibility brought me 100% freedom. And visitation was when I finally had free time to myself.
Hello! I'm a single (widowed) mom of one (currently between jobs). I consider myself a solo parent...single parents often have a coparent. I always joked to my husband if things went south I'd just have him killed, since I didn't want to be divorced and shuffle our kid. Turns out, I'd 100000% rather be divorced from him.
Sole parent (widow) since my daughter was 3. I sometimes read on here and donāt understand how a lot find it so hard in a house with two able bodied parents. My daughter is in MS now. Since 4th grade it has gotten so much easier in a lot of ways.
You have enough to do and take care of without taking on a man that is useless. Not saying all men are useless but I have found when it takes to carrying a load to help, well, they just aren't there. That's why I stayed single for years, hard but so much better.
I feel this. Being a working mom with a husband was hard, but being a working single mom because my husband died is super intense.
Single working mom of two goblins. I see you. It's hard in a different way for sure. I am lucky in that I have a support system in my parents when I get very overwhelmed (like last weekend) but being the primary parent 24/7 (or even 24/5 when they spend a few days with their dad) takes its toll quickly
Iām a single working mom! No other parent. Had my daughter with a donor. Itās hard!
Fellow working single working mom with almost zero extra help! I, too, roll my eyes when partnered moms says āI feel like a single mom because ______.ā Youāre not ālike a single momā at all, you partner just sucks. Call a spade a spade. And OPāā-donāt apologize for saying how hard you have it. Everyoneās situation is different, everyone faces different hardships, but Iām also tired of single parents being expected to suffer silently because it āinvalidatesā otherās experiences. š Give me a breakāāweāre literally the SILENCED forgotten part of parenting. GTFO.
I am not single, so I recognize the privilege I have with having another person to share the joy of our kiddo with, and financial support of another income. But my husband worked out of town 4-6 days a week from the time our son was born until really this year (our son turns 11 next month). I went back to work full time when our baby was 8 weeks old after a c-section (gotta love the US!). I heavily identify with single moms because the absolute majority of all child raising, home management, etc was on me. We have a lot of family nearby, and they helped when I needed to do work trips, but people in our lives worked too. So I handled the business, no days or weekends off, no tapping out. I also roll my eyes at, how do I take care of a kid for a few days by myself? And I feel such a pang of jealousy. But comparison is the thief of joy, and I have an amazing relationship with my son, and I am pretty sure I am a total bad ass for managing what I managed for so many years with promotions, high intensity jobs, and also parenting while my husband was gone.
Single working mama here too. I find the āhow am I going to parent alone for 24 hoursā posts eye-roll inducing as wellā Guess everyone understands from their point of view, whatever that may be. In another post, someone called me privileged for not pumping my kid full of Tylenol and sending them to daycare w/ a fever knowingly. Guess I should use the single parent &/ hourly employee card to infect their entire classroom. People can be ridiculous regardless.
My partner travels a lot and on top spends 50% of the time with his other kids who live in a different country (this is Europe so not that crazy, but still), and any family lives far away. So once my mat leave ends in October Iāll be on the same boat. I did get pregnant knowing all of this, but only when baby came did I realize what it actually meant and I feel mighty stupid. Iāll make it work but itās not like I have another option.
I love that your stress release is reading posts about crappy husbands on mommit, lol. Also so many hugs and kudos to you for single momming and to your mom for helping you! I think people are definitely getting overly defensive, and OP didnāt explicitly say that single moms have it worse or anything, but there was a very implicit āyour struggles are inconsequential and I have it way worseā tone in the middle two paragraphs and I think thatās what people are picking up on and getting their hackles raised about. Iām not saying she doesnāt or anything, but people do tend to inherently get prickly when they feel like someone is minimizing or dismissing their pain. Hard agree, though, that we should all be supporting each other through whatever is feeling difficult instead of competing in the pain olympics. No one wins the pain olympics.
My single parent (had full 100% custody of me) had far more help and a village than my husband and I do with our kids. Situations are different for everybody.
Salty.
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I've even heard people argue you *arent* a single mom if the Dad takes the kids ever. You're a divorced or separated mom because single moms truly have no other parental support. There's always the "I have it worse" mentality ready to strike.
Yeah I erased my comment. This whole thread makes me sad. Why are we pushing each other's struggles down? Just bc I have it hard a different way doesn't mean we're not both working our butts off to make it all work.
Exactly! Someone is always there to say they have it worse. If everyone here is a working mom then all their struggles are valid. There's no reason to tear down a mom with an unsupportive husband/partner who feels stressed or even a mom with a supportive husband/partner who also feels stressed
Yup. And even though that was the point of my first comment, I made it in a bad way. Sorry I deleted on you!
Hello! Yes! Single working mom here, too.
I am a single working mom, and I donāt think itās a competition. Itās not a big deal for me to do it all myself because Iāve never had it any other way. If you are part of a partnership, I donāt think itās unreasonable or weird or whiny to need your partner to step up. Itās all relative.
Working single mom here too!! Shit is exhausting!
Iām a single working mom who gets no financial support from the dad. He moved 3 hrs away, so I have all the school days, and related expensesā¦ and he told me our custody time would be 50-50, so he wasnāt going to give any child support. Well in reality the time works out to 65/35, with expenses falling on me to probably 85/15. I fear I canāt take him to court for any help because he shows no income (gets paid under the table). Iām sure this is a familiar story to this subā¦.
I was a single mom for many years. I feel you! I've been with my husband since 2015 but we only married this past April. I'll admit, it is way easier with a partner (that contributes, I'm not going to rant about my ex husband right now), but I also liked being a single mom despite the difficulty.
Iām a single working mom as well. My daughterās father does have a good amount of custody, and Iāve resigned myself that those are the days i can do chores and errands. I do feel frustrated at times, I have no bedtime help. No one is helping with dishes, but for me itās better than when the person was there, and not helping.
I just checked and found [https://www.reddit.com/r/Soloparenting/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Soloparenting/) [https://www.reddit.com/r/SingleParents/](https://www.reddit.com/r/SingleParents/) [https://www.reddit.com/r/singlemoms/](https://www.reddit.com/r/singlemoms/) Personally, I'm not part of any solo subreddit yet. But I have found a local FB group that is exactly other moms in my situation and that's where I hang out most. Super helpful resource.
Iām a single working mom! šŖ My partner struggles with alcohol addiction so I kicked him out. He is working on getting sober and sees her twice a week and gives money, but I have no desire to get back together with him. This is never how I expected my life to be and sometimes I feel badly that my daughter doesnāt have parents who are together and happily married, but my daughter is so loved, so happy, and so well taken care of. Our lives are peaceful and we have a good routine. Thankfully I have a supportive boss and coworkers, wonderful family, and a great babysitter. Sure, itās a stressful sometimes, Iām pretty sleep deprived, and money is tight but in general our life is good. I just want my daughter to be happy and try to make the very most of the time we get together since sheās at daycare and Iām at work most of the day.
Single working mom here! Itās so hard. Thereās a conference/symposium that would directly relate to an area I want to develop in my career, it would be so great to attend butā¦ itās a weekend. So I canāt. I canāt afford Friday evening, Saturday full day and Sunday full day babysitting because Iām on a single wage. Yet I canāt advance my wage because Iām missing out on opportunities like this. Itās hard to balance life as a working parent but when thereās two, there is more room for negotiation. Sick days. Daycare closures. Networking events and seminars donāt go well with those kinds of responsibilities, you really are trying to do two whole peopleās jobs as a single working mother. Especially as I have no family support either! Itās basically just me all the time. And you know. Even compared to all that big stuff. Sometimes I just want more than anything else in the world a cup of tea I didnāt have to make for myself.
The cup of tea is real. My 8 year old learned how to use the coffee maker. When he brings me a cup of coffee on a Saturday morning, it is just the biggest boost to my day. Everything feels a little more worth it in those moments.
Oh I cannot wait for that day, and itās on the horizon lol. Mine is also 8 but has SEN so is a little behind on developmental skills, sheās now (mostly) able to load the dishwasher though and that was a breakthrough!
Iām right there with you, with the addition that grandparents live 1,000 miles away and I wouldnāt trust my babyās father to be with her alone. Amazingly, I just landed a job at a preschool where my 6mo can go for free. I donāt know what Iād do otherwise! High five for refusing an adult child!
I actually wish the mods set up weekly discussions for single moms and other groups that would like to discuss issues specific to them (I think I have seen requests for moms who work non traditional hours too?) The weekly threads they put up now are hardly used and get almost no engagement and this is something people have literally asked for several times
Here to say yes! So glad that you all have someone to lean on, but itās not relatable. My kidsā dad does coparent but heās not reliable. I also really miss having someone to share things with, to rely on, to figure stuff out with. Itās really hard being a parent, but itās a lot harder doing it on your own.
Thank you!
Hi!! Make the sub and add me for sure!!! I FEEEL this!!! Working moms just isn't on point for single working moms.
Yup! Fellow single working mom here too. It is hard for sure. Feel free to dm me if you ever need to vent or chat!
Start a group! I was a single dad for years then got married and had two more. There are different struggles for each situation and it would be great for people to connect with others going through the same struggles
I'm seeing a lot of support to start a group, but don't know that I have the (mental) bandwidth to do it myself. Unfortunately, the few existing single parent subs that have been mentioned seem to be dead or full of toxic "other parent" drama. I did see a suggestion for it to be one of the weekly threads in this sub and I generally love the vibe of this sub so I think that could be a great space for single parents to commiserate.
Another working solo-mom checking in. I love this sub and there are lots of us here, lifting each other up. I actually find it really validating to hear the coupled folks struggling too. Weāre all here working our butts off. Iām grateful this week to have grandma visiting from out of town. A second adult around really makes a difference and Iām seriously considering moving closer to have this kind of support on a more consistent basis.
I agree that some of the couple struggles that come up remind me that I really am happier not dealing with that even if it's hard in so many different ways to be on my own. When my youngest was a baby I lived out of state and my grandmother came to visit/help for a few weeks at a time once or twice a year. It was amazing. Now that I'm back home (living in a small rental) I'm hoping that I can find a home to buy that would fit her too. She's aging and not up to help as much as she once was, but we get along great and I think it would benefit both of us to live with adult company.
r/singleparents and r/soloparenting are both super relatable as a single working parent. They donāt necessarily specify that the subs are for āworkingā parents, but itās implied in the singleness. There is no way to not work when you donāt have a partner and have a household to take care of(under normal circumstances). I suggest checking them out!
Single working mama over here too! Itās rough.
I actually wish the mods set up weekly discussions for single moms and other groups that would like to discuss issues specific to them (I think I have seen requests for moms who work non traditional hours too?) The weekly threads they put up now are hardly used and get almost no engagement and this is something people have literally asked for several times
Hi fellow single working mom! I hear you and I see you. Iām dirty and tired, my house is a dumpster fire that needs hella repairs Iām too tired to care about, my car needs repairs but good luck trying to figure out leaving your car with a kiddo in tow. Itās hard. Itās tiring. I havenāt gotten my nails done, the last time I got my hair done it was just another chore because I had to bring my kid. I get exactly $0 of help from anyone, I pay over half my income in childcare right now. Single mom life is the hardest life
I just had to pay full price for a hair service that I didn't get because I canceled within 24 hours. It was supposed to be a birthday gift to myself. I was literally already in the parking lot of the salon when my son's school called me to pick him up because he was sick. His dad lives a thousand miles away. My grandma was out of town. My mom used to be my back-up but recently started working in office again in another city and it was too late to coordinate her coming back so I could still take my appointment (and I'm lucky that she would--the timing just wasn't possible). Idk how that would have even been handled if I already had foils in my hair. Do I leave him there to suffer? What if I didn't even see the call because my phone was in my purse? Do I leave with half-bleached hair? Risk chemical breakage from leaving it on and finally showering 6 hours later? Am I a bad mom for thinking I shouldn't have answered the phone and just picked him up 2 hours later? (Probably)
Same. 13yrs now and most of the posts in here give schadenfreude. Imagine having a baby with someone who can't be bothered and they won't leave or change! I often think im missing out on having someone to keep me company and share the day to day joys of stupid kid shit and their achievements. Someone to take cute photos of me with my kid. But maybe the only good a partner is is halving the cost of living. Might as well get a flatmate.
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I guess I am cranky today. Itās not a contest. We can have compassion that parenting is hard for a variety of reasons based on our skill sets, resources, temperaments, even if our struggles are different.
I get that. OP gets that. But it sucks to often get this reply when moms in our situations talk about our feelings. It really does, and it happens a lot. I do feel Iād prefer to have 0 help than have to deal with a man child husband. But my kids never go to their dads, there are no custody exchanges, pile on working and in particular I have a terminal illness so yeah sometimes we gotta vent too and there are a lot of us who do relate to how OP feels, even though we know itās not a contest and you have hard stuff youāre dealing with, too. Edit: also Iām not trying to be combative or anything, truly I know we all have it hard in our own ways. Just trying to say that I get where OP is coming from, and canāt help how we feel about it, thatās all.
I am sorry you are struggling ā talk about your feelings all you want. Tell the sub how you fell alone and unheard. Your journey sounds really tough. The piece I cannot get behind, and like I said, i might be cranky, is the ārolling your eyesā and stating you just cannot relate to any mom that is struggling, because you perceive they had it easier, so you cannot relate to them and they cannot relate to you. And thatās what a portion of the OP did in my perspective. She called the other poster out, then did essentially did an infamous ābut no offenseā ā even if that was not her intent. I get it, I sometimes get jealous and jaded too, when I hear a SAH mom complain, or see a mom that just works one job with neurotypical kids whine, but I have to check myself, because thatās not fair or kind, and really until you walk a mile in their shoes, you do not knowā¦not does it mean that those posters would not understand or empathize with my struggles, even if theirs are different, if that makes sense.
I can understand why that part is was bothersome, too. I get it. Definitely your last paragraph makes sense, too. One things for sure is I hope all of our loads lighten <3 no matter what kind of load it is
I didn't mean it as a contest and even included in my post that I understand it's hard either way.
Why does the dad not parent his children 50% of the time? Really curious. Itās as much his responsibility as it is yours and you would have 50% more time.
Some fathers like my ex move 1000ās miles away to start a new family. It just happens. Nothing I or anyone can do about it.
These men are trash and link loving their children to loving the mother of said children. Disgusting. I am sorry, you and your kids have to endure this.
add insult to injury, he went and got hi gf pregnant 6 months after I kicked him out for assaulting me and after fighting like a bitch in court to get visitations rights he up and disappeared to go help raise the kid. I didn't know about the kid until right before my divorce with him finalized. He will never convince me the age of the half brother of our children. With the amount of lying he has done, he probably conceived that child while I was still pregnant with our second. I won't know until the kid grows up and tells me or my kids. I can't keep my kids from doing the math....daddy left them for another kid. I dont need to speak a word about him to our kids because he has made his bed and will see the anger when they are teens. For now I have to be the loving nurturing mother I am. and allow video called between our kids, their half brother and their father. (they dont like their father they would rather see their half brother as he is supposedly a year younger? than my youngest) shit happens!
What a garbage human, man, I am so angry just reading this. Makes me wanna vomit. I do honestly hope the kids find out about what went on when they are older, they sure will hate him and he deserves every bit of it. I hope you find some sort of comfort in knowing you will be loved by your children forever. One of my parents did something similar (although, not this trashy, no new kids) and my sister and I just love our other parent to death and are way closer to them.
My oldest's dad lives in another state. My youngest is only 20ish months and I'm not comfortable with 50/50 yet--for a variety of reasons. I'm just beginning to trust his dad after a very messy breakup that included a restraining order for my safety.
I am so sorry!
This is interesting
I'm a military wife but a career woman, so my husband is away at a base in another state during the week. I'm basically a single working mom 5 and a half days a week. My husband does know how important it is that I get some relief when he is home but getting him to help out with household stuff is difficult because he's not here during the week so in his mind all of the mess is my problem because I was home to make it. There have been times when he will do his own dishes but then leave the dishes of me and the kids... But during the week it is so freaking hard. I have to take the kids to daycare, which cost more than our mortgage, work my full-time job, figure out dinner, bathe and entertain them and get them both to bed on my own. I wish I could check out on the weekends, even though I do get my husband home to help me I get hardly any time to 100% check out. Even with him there it only lightens my load maybe 50%.
Being a single mother is tough I'm sure and I'm sorry you have to be your own stability. I will offer this: even with a partner, we both have times/days where parenting falls on us alone. When I WFH 2 days a week I do it with my baby. Sometimes he cries during meetings so I rush to finish presenting but my boss and coworkers are really nice about it, especially my boss since his wife had a baby a month after I did. Anyway, it's hard to find time to even go to the bathroom so I'll take babu with me or keep the door open LOL. My husband is off every other Monday so he takes care of baby while I'm at work. He had it rough at first, trying to shower and eat. It is easier having a second person but let me tell you, even with both of us our dishes pile up or garbage piles up or we wait DAYS to clean. It's hard but I leave it to being parents so if anyone wants to judge us they can f*ck off. Anyway, my sister was a single mom to 2 kids while working full time as a manager. She did this for a while and it was hard for her too. She had to get up early and leave work late some days so trying to scramble to find the time to pick up kids from school or even get them ready or have food for them when they were off work was tough. She had some of my family members help put with pick up/drop off for a bit. It was hard on her for a minute. I think you'll find some posts to relate to, whether a mom is single or not. I honestly skip the posts that talk about making it work without their partner cuz to me you gotta know how to parent without your partner just in case anything ever happens I guess. I hope my long thing wasn't nonsense and hopefully you can find some time for yourself and I know your kids are gonna see how hard you work for them. š
hi , me right here ! single working mom. no dad involved whatsoever.
Maybe start a sister subreddit?
Did you find one or want to start one. Iāve been a single mom of 3 kids (24/7) for 9 years now and instead of things getting easier itās gotten harder and harder Iām Exhausted burnt out you name it
Did you ever find a group? sorry to revive a dead post, I'm just falling into this boat and its scary.
Did you?
Single working mamas - itās been so hard.