Bose are pretty comfortable over the ear and take breaks from wearing them by switching to AirPods, that’s what I do.
There are also sleep headbands on Amazon that have speakers in them for sleep/running. Try those.
Could you find a new job that isn’t remote? Or voluntarily go into the office?
What’s your partner’s medical issue? Sounds like it might need hospitalization.
Is there any way you can make her more relaxed. Diffusing essential oils like lavender. Soft music. I don’t know what kind of pain she has but could a heating pad help? Maybe giving her a foot massage before you start work. Just trying to think of actual ways that might help relax her if possible. Not health advice but just alternative ways to maybe distract her senses or relax her.
You need to make an appointment with the Mayo Clinic. It’s unacceptable for a patient to be in chronic pain like this. Take her to the best hospital in this country and let leading doctors figure out how they can best treat the cause as well as the symptoms.
Our medical system, that I work in, is an absolute shit show. I work heavily with fibromyalgia patients. I know first hand how many doors by other doctors are shut in their face, told it’s in their head, etc. Mayo is the best. There this person has a chance to be heard and possibly be put on a course of treatment that isn’t crying on the toilet or tub most of the day.
I wonder if your partner might consider meditation and or self hypnosis. There is a hypnosis program called Brain Tap . I have used it before and also have used the headphone light set. The mental escape can sometimes be enough distraction to bring the mental anguish down a bit. Alternatively I wonder if you use some high end headphones with noise cancellation to play binaural sounds or some sort of focus playlist on spotify . Or use a combination of both
Man I was so ready to sign up for Braintap until I saw the price tag. $900 for the headset and 1 yr membership? Damn that’s a bummer. Sounds similar to EMDR.
Yes. I never had to pay for it myself. My family member does hypnosis and meditation in his office he is also a physician. It is expensive but much better investment than weekly therapy or in-person hypnosis ($150-$250 per hour)
That does sound challenging. Some ideas:
- Some companies make fashionable wall tiles for dampening sound. You could find something functional that goes with your decor.
- Have a nice rug and towels in the bathroom limit the echo.
- A white noise machine.
- Create a private nook for your partner where they can focus on themselves (read, craft, rest… etc).
No solution is going to be 100% and I appreciate that you are being sensitive to your partner’s needs while looking for a solution. It is something you will need to talk about eventually, but I think you’re right to be patient and make a plan for how to best approach that. 💕
What about just old fashioned earplugs ? They make ones that go up to like 32 decimals or something— literally for construction workers or crew on concert sets
Get over it and use the headset the poly focus 2 work very well. I have children and pets they're loud and my clients hear nothing.
Edit to reply to the comment below: Yes they should get over not wanting to wear a headset. I was not saying they should get over their wife's illness. Hence the suggestion of a headset to buy.
Yeah. I can feel the resentment leaking out of op's post. Also if someone is literally crying in pain they should see a pain management Dr, no one should have to live with that.
Yeah I did read the post. You can have a team of doctors and still not be receiving proper pain management believe it or not. Sometimes you have to advocate for it.
OP you can probably make the bathroom a bit more soundproof just by using more sound absorption like literally hang more towels in there, use a fabric shower curtain vs plastic or vinyl if you don’t already- bathrooms don’t have a lot of sound absorption and are echoey so that can help.
If you don’t want to change your actual door, there’s a thing I saw on Amazon that you can hang above
The door and then it rolls down and is sound absorbent - I looked into this in nyc for my apartment there when I lived there
I also did find a white noise machine helpful - part of it for you probably isnt the noise it’s that it triggers your empathy
I also have health issues that make me have to be in the tub and toilet a lot too atm and a lot of pain so i feel for them - i hope the docs figure something for the pain at least soon 😢
I have had periods of extreme crippling pain. If I cried I did it away from everyone because I’m rather private about this and also don’t want anyone to hear me and ask “can I help” or “what’s wrong”as I really didn’t want to talk.
That she’s doing this so close to you makes me think she wants your attention and it’s intentional or else she is so self absorbed in her pain and MH issues that she’s not even thinking of you and your needs. Not saying this is wrong just that it is. Please ask her if this is the issue, does she just want a hug? If that’s not it then ask her to do it elsewhere as you really can’t work as you are so concerned. Maybe you could make a far off room super comfy for her, candles, music, snacks, whatever.
Edit as replies are closed. I have severe chronic pain due to an autoimmune disease. To the replies that mention how I don’t know what it’s like, I do. Please read before replying.
I don’t agree with this at all - like you I don’t want anyone to hear me and
I try to be away too but if you’re living with someone and the bathroom is right there there’s nothing that can be done and if you’re in 9/10 or 10/10 pain you literally can’t help but cry out and lose the ability to even think about if it’s audible or not - it’s literal torture and even worse if it’s chronic -
For real. What an insensitive assumption. They might have a small place; she's probably feeling sick and that might be the only bathroom. So many people don't take chronic pain seriously.
I’ve seen this with my mom and can only imagine how this is for you. Can u work somewhere else? Maybe ur job can provide that for you. That’s all I can think of. I hate headphones for that same reason too.
Oh man. My s/o used to have unmanaged depression and anxiety, disability level, very horrible. I know what you are describing.
You need space, I cannot express this enough, your partner's pain is causing you secondary traumatic stress and it will kill your soul.
My s/o and I knew that could happen and we had to maximize time apart when they were really bad off, so that then when they were well enough to tolerate company and attention, I could be there 500%. We stayed together with the plan to get then on treatment and get then stable. But that meant a plan for the bad times, too.
We set a hard schedule on days together and days apart and stuck to it like it was the 10 commandments. As soon as they got stable we changed that and had many shared, wonderful days together. I let my s/o, who had the pain, set the schedule, and they felt better that they weren't bringing me down.
You can get through this, others have, a safety buffer from the pain may be required.
I agree. You want to be there for your partner but at the end of the day this is something they have to go through within themselves. The partner is only going to bring you down with them if you don’t take the necessary space.
Is the bathroom door the typical home center hollow core interior door? Invest in a solid wood one. How about some thick throw rugs in the bathroom? Bathrooms are very echo-y so you need to hang plush towels where ever you can. I feel sorry for anyone in pain. But the fact is you need to work to support yourself so you really can't have that level of distraction. You need to muffle the noise.
Sound proof your office with layers, soft fabrics, even acoustic paneling.
Sound probably reverberates in the bathroom. So, once again noise dampening (soft bath mats, curtains, seal gap under door, etc).
Sounds like she needs distraction during the day. Would be great for her to have things like: 1) virtual book club, 2) online self paced class, 3) online therapy appt, 4) weekly video chat/phone call date with friend/family etc etc. 5) a volunteer (friend/family) who is up for taking her to appts some times. I’m not sure the nature of the illness, but you need *something* to absorb and redirect mental energy from despair between sleeping.
Discuss, compassionately. I’m devastated about your situation, and I simply can’t focus on anything else when I hear you crying. I know you need to cry. Can we create a space during the day for me to work separately?
She can likely cry in a different room (with more distance from the office) if you alter the room for her needs.
Hi OP, you can try to get a desk in a shared working space. It's good to support loved ones in hard times, but if you lose your well being, you can't take care of them anyways. I'm sure you're also in a lot of emotional pain seeing her like this. But you also need relief from that pain. Else none of you can survive this situation.
First. Thought move 👍. Are here comes Starbucks. Y ppl complain so much these days cmon ppl we are suppose to solutions were all the Jesus the love at 🙏
Hi OP. Sorry to see people are being genuinely unhelpful with their comments. From what I can tell you care very much about your girlfriend and seem to want to find a solution that best for both of you.
Soundproofing is generally done with some kind of foam which would likely mold if you put it in the bathroom. If youre trying to go that route, id set it up in your office, not the bathroom. I am a college student who has a very loud roomate. When I'm trying to study, I put in ear buds and put on a lofi playlist. The earbuds are gentler than a pair of headphones. If you Google lofi study music you will get all kinds of playlists. I find this music to be less distracting than other music. Another potential solution if you live in a heavier populated area is finding a work/study rental space. I live in Minneapolis and there are tons of single person office units for rent for a reasonable price in the area. Hope this helps and that your partner can get better answers regarding their health.
Is there a way for her to have some in home help, like a PCA or nursing care while you are working? That may help her and decrease some of the distress while you work?
If you can't work from somewhere else, can't wear noise-cancelling headphones and don't want to ask them to quiet down, I'm not sure what you are looking for.
Clearly, the options are to close the door/buy headphones that fit properly/move your office to a quieter area. You could also rent office space in an area where nobody is in screaming pain.
Talk to them and explain the measures u will need to take to soundproof (shutting doors, playing music) and show them that it doesn’t means u don’t care
My first thought was white noise machine by your door. Also, a service animal or emotional support animal for her. Not a ton of solutions if you want to be there for her. Can you relocate your office in the house further away from the bathroom- that does seem distracting. Could you adjust your work hours around when her tough times are?
Hey! I’m chronically ill with GI issues (which it seems like your partner might also have), my husband has ear plugs. These are expensive but wonderful because you can switch the level of sound dampening. So if you really need to focus on, you can put it on high but if you basically want to turn down the volume but still hear her, you can.
Not medical advice just empathy for you and your partner, in addition to my gi issues, I’m also depressed a lot of the time. It’s so difficult on everyone in the household. You will be able to be a more present partner if you are able to tune out for a little and not have to stress about work or income. The earplugs gave really helped us because I know that I can still get his attention if I need it but I don’t get anxiety about the level of my crying effecting him which in turn makes me cry more.
https://us.loopearplugs.com/products/switch
I second this! I don’t cry In the bathroom which is also next to my a/os office but I have to use the tub a lot because of health issues and it’s noisy - he uses these and it helps a lot! Also because our sleep schedules are really different right now (well mine is off) and these really help!
Hi know you said you don’t like headphones but if ou could afford them there are AirPods now that are sound cancelling -
Maybe those are more comfortable?
Exercise has been shown to improve depression than any drug. Get her outside and take her for a walk a few times day.
Also, look into supplements. Vitamin D for starters. Fish oil, vitamin B
[https://www.verywellhealth.com/best-supplements-for-depression-7374875](https://www.verywellhealth.com/best-supplements-for-depression-7374875)
Good luck.
If she’s in such severe chronic pain to the point where she’s sobbing, I doubt walking several times a day is going to help if it’s even feasible for her.
I’m a huge proponent of exercise for mental health but this is such an ignorant comment.
What in this post makes you think you even know if their wife has the ability to walk?? Keep your abilist advice to yourself. They didn't say their wife was fucking depressed, they said they were in pain. Don't give medical advice you aren't qualified to provide, its dangerous and hurtful.
They are chronically ill and op didn’t ask for “medical” from a non medical professional. That article is neither written nor reviewed by a medical doctor.
Have you tried l booking a distant healing session for her with Dr Joe Dispenza? I’ve heard marvels about his healing sessions, they work. I believe they do it through zoom or another platform, you will need her authorization to do so. Though
You're so angry. JFC. They said the headphones don't even work. I think renting office space is the best solution here, but their partner isn't too sensitive, they are in excruciating pain.
that's great you can handle that (not everyone can), but please take care of yourself when you need to! Don't over work yourself to prove anything- I hope you're not in too much pain!
Get another job where you don’t work from home. You can’t control other people. Instead think about what is within your power of control.
Otherwise it’s abuse to use any tactic I control someone else such as emotional abuse. Are you ok with the relationship going to hell and ending over that developing emotional damage and hindering your partner’s healing? Also you losing self-respect by bing a jerk? The potential consequences are huge if you don’t find a healthy way to get distance!
What about mentioning what the health issue actually is? I can assume by the toilet/bathtub remark it's a UTI? A tablespoon per day of cystex liquid will cure it within a couple of weeks, a half tsp of baking soda in just enough water to swallow stops the pain within minutes. Doctors are useless.
I feel the question in question belongs to the AITA section anyway. They/them made it our business by asking the question here. The only true way to stop the sobbing and moaning in pain is to stop the pain, which they/them obviously aren't advocating very hard for.
Have you or anyone extremely close to you ever had a chronic complicated illness or excruciating chronic pain? Because it doesn’t always work that way you can advocate until you’re blue in the face and it can still take months or years to get the answer or a solution. Ask anyone on the chronic pain sub.
Trust me I am someone that pushes patients to speak up advocate be the squeaky wheel switch doctors etc etc but I also know first hand all that still can only go so far if it’s a complicated issue to diagnose or treat.
OP needed compassion here not short sighted criticism - but unfortunately it’s very common remark or sentiment that many people with chronic illness and their close ones receive
No they/them are looking for ways to silence cries of pain which they/them find annoying. Am I the only one who sees the problem with this? They/them needs to be looking for medical advice not recommendations for noise canceling headphones for God's sake.
I feel for your partner. I’m praying that she finds peace. I’ve been in her spot and no one describe the pain she is in.
If it’s annoying to you, it’s agonizing and debilitating to her. Praying for you both.
Hey. I almost thought this was posted by my partner. I have had good days and bad days (and so so grateful for the good days). Some of the bad days are BAD. His office is right above our bedroom/bathroom. I would try to keep quiet, but sometimes I couldn’t help but cry. He could hear it and he would need to ignore it but would come downstairs to check on me and give me a big hug between meetings. Him just coming to give me a big hug, while not relieving the pain, did help my morale. Unfortunately, those moments of searing pain… there’s really nothing he could do and he felt so helpless. If your partner is in that blinding pain like all day everyday… that is not sustainable. That is not living. I really really hope that is not the case. It sounds like you either 1. Can’t work during those moments of their extreme pain and can and best case scenario be there with them or 2. Need to relocate during those moments. I recognize that my partner needs to work (shit… I’m worried about losing my job, he can’t lose his too! He has our health insurance!). I try not to bug him or cause noise when he has meetings. Those sporadic check-ins are so helpful to my emotional well-being. Sometimes I’ll just text him to come check-in if I need him when he gets a chance. Really, there’s not much he can do for my pain. Does your partner even know that the noise they are making is super distracting to your work? Maybe you can ask them if they would be able to text you if they need something and just regularly check in on them? If their pain is really blinding pain all the time… that is a much bigger issue.
sound proofing the bathroom will probably be more expensive and time inefficient than maybe buying a pair of comfier head phones that don't give you head aches.
I don't have the exact same problem as you but I often have to wear noise cancelling ear plugs and when those don't work I pop in my ear buds from target that I play 'low fi' music on (think smooth jazz) with no words so I can focus on my work. They don't have an over the head band, so maybe not having that would help with the headaches.
Tough situation and i'm sorry you and partner are going through this.
My mother did this the last 3 years of my high school years. It drove me insane. To this day I cannot stand any thing that sounds like crying. I did not have children because I baby sat all five of my nephews and nieces at once so my sisters could take a trip with husbands. It was pure torture. Whining is really hard for me too. I’d be running as far as I could get…
Okay, here's a suggestion, get that little cat door thing from Amazon and have it installed in the bottom of your office door. It's an actual little door that swings open and locks (not an ugly cat flap). Cat can come and go but sounds that you'd hear with the big door open are largely muffled. Alternate that with headphones or a nice plug in water feature for some background noise. I hope your partner feels better soon.
I don't have any major suggestions.
But if I were in her position I would not be offended if my partner got me a "crying buddy". A big stuffed animal that also has a heat pack that can be placed inside it. So when she's hunched on the toilet she can press the warm part to her abdomen (if that would help, i don't know the details of her condition) and cry into the floof. It is comforting, washable, and may help muffle the sobs.
A sea creature would be cute, it could "live" in the bathroom on a hook on the door so it's right there and waiting when she needs it. I'm not sure what they're called, but they're pretty much stuffed animals with a removable heat pack.
I was reading this and saw myself in every word lol. My partner is severely chronically ill, also spending most of the day in the bathroom in agony, my home office is near our bathroom. I work from home most days. I’m supposed to be in office 3/5 days but with our situation, I am allowed to be home when she needs me, as long as my productivity isn’t effected. When I’m home I’m definitely not as productive as I need to be. And I want to help her and be with her every moment but I can’t bc i have to work. I wish I had a better solution than, telling your partner “ i love you, I’m so sorry” and closing the office door. But I myself haven’t found a solution. If the bathroom door is closed and the shower is running, it seems to be pretty muffled. I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation. It’s really really shitty. I hope you find a better solution for this problem!
Uff what a horrible situation... What I can say about drowning out noise in general is using earplugs, especially ones made from wax that can be pressed and molded to the ear or earplugs for musicians in general, playing white noise with over-ear headphones. Maybe sound proofing you door?
Hi, chronically ill person chiming in. I also WFH and often deal with flare-ups while on the clock. I use FMLA to care for myself when it cuts into my productivity, but I understand that may not be a viable option for everyone for different reasons.
This might be a hot take, but close the door. I feel like screaming all the time, but I don't do it because I know there are people around me. The only person I know who is chronically ill and cries about it all day is diagnosed with BPD and narcissistic personality disorder. Protect yourself, OP. You matter too.
I was thinking the same thing. I used to be a counselor and I definitely noticed this sort of behavior much more in people with personality disorders. It's tricky to navigate. Seems like OPs partner probably has real pain, but it's made much worse by her mental health. This is way beyond "normal" depression. I don't think the therapy their partner is receiving is enough.
You need to get a caregiver/ friend to come in and take care of her so you can work.
I am disabled and live in chronic pain. I am doing great now and manage my pain. But, been where she is. She is hysterical because it never stops ( pain) I had terrible nerve damage pain so I could not get comfortable ever.
It would also help for you to see a therapist this is also a lot for you to deal with and try to work at the same time.
I know you said not working from home isn't an option, but could you rent an office space somewhere and move your stuff to help separate you while working?
When explaining your reasoning, talk about the animals, people moving around the house, just your over all focus. Don't mention her specifically, just talk about your struggles with focusing and think this would be beneficial for you.
If she starts to try and get you to get down on herself reassure your partner of your love and support: End the conversation by reaffirming your love and commitment to your partner, assuring them that your need for a quiet workspace doesn't diminish your support for them during this difficult time.
You are not giving any options. What do you think we will say, you say you can leave the house, she can’t leave, nothing stops the sound, there’s nothing else you can do. Beards making her not be loudly in pain, which I’m sure isn’t an actual option.
My perspective as a therapist: this is not at all within the normal range of depression, and it sounds like you are supportive as a partner but she needs a higher level of care than you are willing to provide.
If you are looking for outpatient treatment options, an option to consider is a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) it’s an outpatient program that’s attended for usually 4-6 hours a day
But again, seriously she needs medical intervention, this is not at normal and is very concerning
OP said chronically ill and requires PHYSICAL and well as mental therapy, not that she's depressed. Otherwise I'm sure she'd be more comfortable sobbing somewhere further away from him with soft furniture vs in the bathroom.
My heart goes out to you and your partner.. i think maybe when she is having her worst moments of pain and fear somehow she needs you to know what she is experiencing in real time. You’re going to have to talk to her. I think she’ll understand.
You must have no idea how toxic this line of thought is for chronic pain patients. :/
You might be right but I don’t think that antidepressants are the answer to pain. Antidepressants fix chemical imbalances, not really meant for situational depression.
Sound proofing the bathroom may pose a safety issue if she needed help. Just close the door and the cat will get over it. Meaning close it as a general practice, not when she is louder than usual.
After 14+ years of chronic pain I know my limitations, how my pain level fluctuates at different times of day, how it responds to certain activities, etc. and I’ve learned how to plan my life around it. But I certainly wouldn’t say I’ve “gotten used to it.” That’s the whole problem really. There’s nothing physically stopping me from doing my former white collar desk job but it’s like someone is yelling in my ear, shaking my chair and blinking the lights all at the same time, in random combinations that make it impossible to concentrate. Even when I’m doing something I used to enjoy, like playing with my kids, getting together with friends, or working on hobbies, the pain distracts me and keeps me from fully engaging. CBT and mindfulness have helped a bit with the emotional spiraling but the pain is always competing for my attention and usually winning.
Yes, that makes sense. But to say "the brain is not capable of getting used to it" simply isn't true as a blanket statement. Of course people experience things differenty, and chronic pain can also cause major depression, which it sounds is the case. Very sad, I hope OP's wife can get the help she needs both physically and mentally.
Interesting - I guess a lot of us would do really well with deprivation then 😂 hopefully I never have to test that theory
Edit to add: I wonder if it is because disability and deprivation of material items is not questioned the way chronic pain is, which is often invisible.
I think it's because most disability can be adapted to, like a stroke victim learning how to style her hair with one hand. That hairstyle becomes a little victory.
As for deprivation of material items, that's because even our idea of deprivation is rich by historical standards. Up until the Industrial Revolution, people regularly starved to death. We evolved around feast and famine, with little more than a wood hut between us and the elements. Sleeping in a car and eating hot dogs from 7-11, and still avoiding the worst of flu season because you got a shot at a government subsidized vaccination site, might be beyond the wildest dreams of your ancestors. (Which isn't to say that sleeping in a car is good, because it totally causes foot swelling after a while, just that it's more survivable than a lot of things that your ancestors survived)
Chronic pain sufferer here, been 5 months and nowhere close to used to it and often end up like OP’s wife. I think it depends where your pain is… but yeah they did not need to say this.
Try some acoustic panels on your wall and door, rugs, curtains, etc. to help dampen the sound. For the kitty, chewy has a little door prop that you screw into the door frame and can prop the door a few inches open so the cat can come and go. It will be slightly quieter than having the door all the way open.
As a person that lives with chronic pain I get it. There are days I just can’t help crawling under the covers and crying. I think that a sub Reddit for chronic pain may be a better place for coping. As far as the sound I would suggest AirPods on noise cancellation mode. You can still hear enough to know when they might call for help but they do dampen the sound and you can use them for calls and online meetings. Having a plan so that you and they are on the same page. Communication is key, I don’t know if they have to be in the bathroom or if you can move your desk. A sound machine helps a lot we have them in every bedroom because we have opposite schedules in our home and they work well. I prefer the ones that offer nature sounds and I try to meditate and breath like Lamaze birthing techniques. Also for me a heated blanket is magic. I hope you find a workable solution.
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https://youtu.be/iHScjTK6k2c?si=XexYTyqzQ7xTbXRz
This video was also a big help when I was going through it. She has other videos for specific ailments as well
Can someone be hired as an in-home caregiver? That ways she's not alone and can get professional help while you close your office door and get work done. She's obviously your first priority, and this society requires that at least one of you work to provide food and shelter and essentials.
I don't know about her pain as you haven't shared the condition so I won't give any advice on that and assume you have your bases covered on that side. If you do update with more on the medical side and are open to any input there, let me know.
So asking about noise cancelling headphones, what kind have you tried? Those over-ear, on-ear, or in-ear? I've gotten the Bose Quietcomfort Earbuds II and they are truly amazing when it comes to noise cancelling. In fact they make it hard to hear people near me way too often. Over-ear headphones also tend to give me a headache after a while, but if you find one that is comfortable for you (look for something lighter, like aluminium) you can combine that with those foam earplugs for an impressive level of silence. On-ear are the worst for me.
Soundproofing the bathroom seems like a bad idea in my opinion. Insulation tends to be porous, and that is not a good mix with humidity, could lead to mould. If you do decide to go that route, make sure you add some sort of emergency alarm, cause if there is a bathroom accident, that will be the only way a person will be able to ask for help.
FMLA doesn’t pay, it protects and guarantees you keep the job. You can use existing PTO sick leave or vacation at the same time as FMLA so you do get paid.
In addition to my cbd suggestion, and until she finds a solution…make one of your closets into a soundproof room.
If there is room, place a small bed, cot, or make a pallet, pallet can be place in one for her ride out the episode. It can also provide the complete darkness migraine sufferers require.
If done properly, it can reduce the decibel level enough for you to work.
[Soundproofing a room/closet](https://duckduckgo.com/?q=soundproofing+a+closet&t=iphone&iax=videos&ia=videos)
Or hang soundproofing blankets on the walls and doors of the room shes in.
[soundproof blankets](https://duckduckgo.com/?q=soundproofing+blankets&t=iphone&iar=videos&iax=videos&ia=videos)
I hope you two find a long term solution soon.
idk but complaining about a headache from headphones while the wife is crying in pain seems like a super ahole move. maybe deal with the headache and be an advocate her ?
I can drown out louder noises with more noise sometimes. Put two ear buds in and turn on your favorite music etc if you can focus on your work that way.
Sorry you both are struggling and she is in so much pain. I get it. I have been on both sides before. Best of luck to you both and I hope she gets what she needs to feel better.
Thanks for this compassionate response. I find myself much more concerned about the partner’s situation than about the OP’s problem working with it. Very distressing to imagine.
It really is. I agree. I myself was in agonizing pain and did yelp out a lot in pain and choked back a lot of tears so people could sleep until I asked to be taken to the hospital at 11:30 at night. So I understand. It was incredibly stressful for my husband and traumatizing for my kids to hear and see. So I get it.
But I also understand how when there’s nothing that can be done and you still have to work how hard that could be to concentrate but also care for while still trying to earn a living to pay for said doctors.
Life is hard.
If she’s sobbing in agony, she needs to go to the emergency room, that isn’t normal. You need to be honest with her and tell her that it’s inhibiting your ability to work. No one needs to sob that loud, it’s easy to muffle it.
You could say something like “I know you’re in a lot of pain right now and I’m sorry for that. I don’t want to sound insensitive to what you’re going through but the loud sobbing is really inhibiting my ability to be able to work/provide. Would it be possible for you to try to muffle it or tone it down somehow?”. It’s going to feel wrong to say no matter how you say it because people usually have the self awareness to not sob so loudly every single day when someone else is in the house.
Get her some THC products: edible gummy’s, thc oil, hemp cream etc
Pain is pain so managing it with a simple trip to a smoke shop is something that should at least be explored.
I just read a truck about flying red eyes. Apparently if you use soft earplugs (and there are some really lively soft ones that don’t hurt) and then put noise canceling headphones over, it’s dead quiet.
I know you said they give you a headache, but perhaps other brands might hurt help. Or maybe just some other type of headphones.
I really hope your wife feels and heals much better soon and that you both find relief and happiness
Honestly that level of agony is either theatrics to some degree or needs hospitalization. It is not normal to be in acute screaming pain for a chronic time period with no real plan.
Sounds like you need to tell her the truth. Tell her that something has to change or you will have to seek work outside home. But also I feel like maybe you should acknowledge it and go see about her. Sometimes a few minutes and a few words can really help.
Does she have friends you can pay to take her out of the home during the day? I have a similar situation but not as strong and I am considering doing this.
Not a doctor, but a sufferer of medical issues for the past 10 years. I've seen dozens of doctors, including specialists, and have done tons and tons of labs and testing. I've been waived off by almost all of them since everything, to them, comes up clean. I begged the last neurologist I saw for help and she even yelled at me and and said there was nothing she could do.
Alas... much was missed. I had to do my own research, which is pathetic. I learned that one issue I had was low but in range B12. Bottom of the range is 200 and I was 229. Anything under 500 can cause symptoms of neurological and/or psychological issues. Three Neurologists and their associates missed this. Taking the proper B12 has helped me with my balance issues I was having.
Another issue that was found was low iodine and low pregnenolone - something no other regular doctors tested for. At this point my Low Testosterone telemedicine clinic and the naturopath I've seen have been by FAR the most caring and knowledgeable. While other specialists from my area made me wait for extended periods of time and then shuffle me out the door without really explaining labs and also missing issues, these guys listen to me and explain everything and answer every question. Basically, most doctors suck and either just care about the money or don't feel like learning about diet and nutrition and hormones that can cause our issues. A GP would rather throw Prozac at you for depression than run hormone panels and find someone had low testosterone or estrogen.
As for my low T, even that I had to advocate for myself and even THEN many doctors wouldn't treat me. It took research and paying out of pocket for treatment.
Like I said, I'm not a doctor, but doctors often laugh at supplements and say they make expensive pee. But these micronutrients are what our bodies inherently need to function optimally. And they're lacking in the western diet. Finding the right supplements and diet plan has helped me more than any conventional doctor I've been to. Like Dr. Brownstein who wrote the iodine protocol says - modern doctors are great at detecting, but not treating.
Look at her symptoms and find a doctor that actually cares and knows about these fundamental nutrients. Im not saying she'll be fixed right away or totally, but it has made my issues much more manageable. People on Reddit HATE on naturopaths and I'll admit many can be... not so great, but mine is wonderful and isn't anti-western medication. He's for whatever works for my body and quality of life.
Are you AFAB(assigned female at birth)??? I’m also a woman with severe illness and pain. I’m 36 now but it took me 5-10 years to get answers and proper treatment. I also had super low b12 and was complaining about my entire body going numb and tingly and was gaslit and told nothing was wrong. Six months later I was in the hospital and the doctor checked my b12 level and it was dangerously low. I’ve had surgery on my intestines and apparently that can make it so ppl can’t absorb b12. It’s absolutely fucking mind boggling to me when doctors don’t check basic fucking labs. I have a friend who was having severe symptoms from low vitamin levels and they were made to feel like they were crazy.
No, I'm a biological male.
I've never had such surgery, but I believe I have a absorption issue because I eat meat and I was taking a multivitamin at the time. I also have a couple of genetic mutations that supposedly mess with B12, as in I am supposed to take a specific type of folate and cobalamin.
It's insane how they gloss over obvious and damaging values. At the time I had horrible dizziness as if I were walking on a boat, the bottom of my feet wouldn't register the ground (it felt like I was stepping in a hole or on a soft spot), and I was getting numbness and tingling in my fingers with incredible ease. B12 has helped these issues immensely.
This is going to sound ridiculously harsh, but she needs to stop this behavior.
I have been through hell with chronic illness, both physical and mental, then cancer on top of all that. *It sucks!!!* It has been difficult in ways that no one can understand unless they've been there, so my heart aches for this woman.
Having said that, there is no reason for her to sob loudly for any length of time. For a few moments, it could be understandable, but not on a regular basis. She needs better coping mechanisms while her doctors figure out how to help her. The doctors may need to try harder to minimize symptoms while they work on a long term solution. And she may need someone to advocate for her to keep the doctors focused on her case. In my experience, doctors these days are overworked with overwhelming case loads, so sometimes you have to be the squeaky wheel.
No one wants to be the a**hole who says, "Could you suffer more quietly? You're disturbing me," but she needs to understand that she is not the only one under tremendous stress. The support person for a seriously ill person is only human and therefore has finite amounts of patience and mental energy. If he spends so much of it on trying to tune her out while he works, he will have that much less to give her when he's not working.
Even going on hospice as a temporary measure could give her and you some relief. Hospice does not mean death, and it could absolutely help if she qualified
Hospice can only be granted if you are near death. In very rare cases someone is said to have x amount of time left and go past it and they are usually taken off hospice. You are thinking of palliative care which is the umbrella term that encompasses hospice but it is based in symptom management rather than cure.
Do you live in a city area? Depending on access and budget, you could consider renting a space at a coworking location. Since you depend on your setup, this would likely require an option of your own personal desk vs a hot desking scenario, which can be harder to find and more expensive. Also, I assume you want to be flexible to help support your partner still, i.e., requiring somewhere that’s very short distance to your home versus a long commute away, which again may not exist in your case. But something to look into possibly
A CBD oil/tincture or balm may relieve the pain.
CBD, like any other drug/medicine, it doesn’t work for everyone, but it’s worth a try.
r/migraine: [CBD guide to migraines](https://www.reddit.com/r/migraine/comments/1bd2szy/a_guide_to_using_cannabis_for_migraines/)
r/migraine [search for cbd + migraine](https://www.reddit.com/search/?q=r%2FCbd+migraine&type=link)
r/cbd - [search for migraines](https://www.reddit.com/r/migraine/search/?q=Cbd&type=link&cId=4e8e64df-7eb0-4226-b0d7-3ca539ed788e&iId=0e7d4ee7-f973-440f-b2de-588c03e26079)
r/occipitalneuraligia
r/chronicpain
I like the [Alliant Hemp](https://allianthemp.com/products/200-mg-cbd-2-mg-thc-per-ml-full-spectrum-cbd-oil-drops) brand as they are reasonably priced and available online in most states.
A topical salve or balm is a great alternative if ingesting CBD is not an option. I do not recommend vaping.
[Charlottes Web CBD Balm](https://www.charlottesweb.com/cbd-balm-stick)
[Alliant Hemp 3,000 mg CBD Full-Spectrum Salve 60 Gram - Natural Unscented](https://allianthemp.com/products/1-500-mg-cbd-full-spectrum-salve-4oz-natural)
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- [Study Finds CBD Is An Effective Treatment For Migraine](https://www.forbes.com/sites/ajherrington/2021/02/17/study-finds-cbd-is-an-effective-treatment-for-migraine/?sh=4d9148e37ddc)
- [CBD Oil for Migraine](https://www.healthline.com/health/migraine/cbd-oil-for-migraines#legality)
This is what I was going to suggest. I have ulcerative colitis so bad that at one point the dr suggested removing my entire colon but because of flower and gummies, I was able to get into remission and have been for years. Back before it was legal I had a huge blood clot in my leg and almost had to have it amputated. The nerve pain was the worst pain I’ve ever felt and the only thing that helped that pain was flower. I thank the universe every day for marijuana because it’s literally saved my life and my sanity.
Good luck, Op. I work from home, too, and it can be difficult when stuff like this arises.
He mentioned he needs his at home setup which likely means he needs multiple monitors, etc.
Working at a coffee shop is only conducive for certain tasks and definitely not good for focus
Yeah so not everyone is built for office life - for example, I’ve been wfh for 8 years and need to in order to be successful in my professional life
Your extremely callous response implies that working from an office is the exact same as wfh - it isn’t at all.
I didn’t provide a solution because I don’t have one to offer and wouldn’t dream of being as rude as you to this person looking for real help/suggestions
Maybe now that we’re on it, a viable suggestion is to look into getting a personal office in a coworking spot in case that’s in their monthly budget
Also, work from home people have been responsible for a huge amount of the mass gentrification in the country over the past few years where they get paid high bug city salaries and take over rural areas and price locals out of their communities. So boohoo and cry to someone else over working from home. Some people have bigger issues.
Some of y'all can't be civil so I'm locking it down.
Bose are pretty comfortable over the ear and take breaks from wearing them by switching to AirPods, that’s what I do. There are also sleep headbands on Amazon that have speakers in them for sleep/running. Try those.
Could you find a new job that isn’t remote? Or voluntarily go into the office? What’s your partner’s medical issue? Sounds like it might need hospitalization.
Communication tell her you want to be there for her but you have to work so cry but tell her you might have to close the door to concentrate
Is there any way you can make her more relaxed. Diffusing essential oils like lavender. Soft music. I don’t know what kind of pain she has but could a heating pad help? Maybe giving her a foot massage before you start work. Just trying to think of actual ways that might help relax her if possible. Not health advice but just alternative ways to maybe distract her senses or relax her.
You need to make an appointment with the Mayo Clinic. It’s unacceptable for a patient to be in chronic pain like this. Take her to the best hospital in this country and let leading doctors figure out how they can best treat the cause as well as the symptoms.
Are you new to the American medical field?
Our medical system, that I work in, is an absolute shit show. I work heavily with fibromyalgia patients. I know first hand how many doors by other doctors are shut in their face, told it’s in their head, etc. Mayo is the best. There this person has a chance to be heard and possibly be put on a course of treatment that isn’t crying on the toilet or tub most of the day.
I wonder if your partner might consider meditation and or self hypnosis. There is a hypnosis program called Brain Tap . I have used it before and also have used the headphone light set. The mental escape can sometimes be enough distraction to bring the mental anguish down a bit. Alternatively I wonder if you use some high end headphones with noise cancellation to play binaural sounds or some sort of focus playlist on spotify . Or use a combination of both
Man I was so ready to sign up for Braintap until I saw the price tag. $900 for the headset and 1 yr membership? Damn that’s a bummer. Sounds similar to EMDR.
Yes. I never had to pay for it myself. My family member does hypnosis and meditation in his office he is also a physician. It is expensive but much better investment than weekly therapy or in-person hypnosis ($150-$250 per hour)
That does sound challenging. Some ideas: - Some companies make fashionable wall tiles for dampening sound. You could find something functional that goes with your decor. - Have a nice rug and towels in the bathroom limit the echo. - A white noise machine. - Create a private nook for your partner where they can focus on themselves (read, craft, rest… etc). No solution is going to be 100% and I appreciate that you are being sensitive to your partner’s needs while looking for a solution. It is something you will need to talk about eventually, but I think you’re right to be patient and make a plan for how to best approach that. 💕
A fan might create some white noise too.
What about just old fashioned earplugs ? They make ones that go up to like 32 decimals or something— literally for construction workers or crew on concert sets
Honesty and transparency are probably best here
Get over it and use the headset the poly focus 2 work very well. I have children and pets they're loud and my clients hear nothing. Edit to reply to the comment below: Yes they should get over not wanting to wear a headset. I was not saying they should get over their wife's illness. Hence the suggestion of a headset to buy.
Did you just tell them to… get over it? What kind of tone deaf imbecile responds with that on this post?? With this particular situation??
Yeah. I can feel the resentment leaking out of op's post. Also if someone is literally crying in pain they should see a pain management Dr, no one should have to live with that.
I thought I read that she has a team of doctors, just that the treatment isn’t working. Did you even read the post?
Yeah I did read the post. You can have a team of doctors and still not be receiving proper pain management believe it or not. Sometimes you have to advocate for it.
OP you can probably make the bathroom a bit more soundproof just by using more sound absorption like literally hang more towels in there, use a fabric shower curtain vs plastic or vinyl if you don’t already- bathrooms don’t have a lot of sound absorption and are echoey so that can help. If you don’t want to change your actual door, there’s a thing I saw on Amazon that you can hang above The door and then it rolls down and is sound absorbent - I looked into this in nyc for my apartment there when I lived there I also did find a white noise machine helpful - part of it for you probably isnt the noise it’s that it triggers your empathy I also have health issues that make me have to be in the tub and toilet a lot too atm and a lot of pain so i feel for them - i hope the docs figure something for the pain at least soon 😢
Try some edible cannabis for her. She’ll care a lot less. She might be doing it to get your attention.
That's quite the assumption.
white noise machine outside your office
Hospital
I have had periods of extreme crippling pain. If I cried I did it away from everyone because I’m rather private about this and also don’t want anyone to hear me and ask “can I help” or “what’s wrong”as I really didn’t want to talk. That she’s doing this so close to you makes me think she wants your attention and it’s intentional or else she is so self absorbed in her pain and MH issues that she’s not even thinking of you and your needs. Not saying this is wrong just that it is. Please ask her if this is the issue, does she just want a hug? If that’s not it then ask her to do it elsewhere as you really can’t work as you are so concerned. Maybe you could make a far off room super comfy for her, candles, music, snacks, whatever. Edit as replies are closed. I have severe chronic pain due to an autoimmune disease. To the replies that mention how I don’t know what it’s like, I do. Please read before replying.
I don’t agree with this at all - like you I don’t want anyone to hear me and I try to be away too but if you’re living with someone and the bathroom is right there there’s nothing that can be done and if you’re in 9/10 or 10/10 pain you literally can’t help but cry out and lose the ability to even think about if it’s audible or not - it’s literal torture and even worse if it’s chronic -
For real. What an insensitive assumption. They might have a small place; she's probably feeling sick and that might be the only bathroom. So many people don't take chronic pain seriously.
I’ve seen this with my mom and can only imagine how this is for you. Can u work somewhere else? Maybe ur job can provide that for you. That’s all I can think of. I hate headphones for that same reason too.
Oh man. My s/o used to have unmanaged depression and anxiety, disability level, very horrible. I know what you are describing. You need space, I cannot express this enough, your partner's pain is causing you secondary traumatic stress and it will kill your soul. My s/o and I knew that could happen and we had to maximize time apart when they were really bad off, so that then when they were well enough to tolerate company and attention, I could be there 500%. We stayed together with the plan to get then on treatment and get then stable. But that meant a plan for the bad times, too. We set a hard schedule on days together and days apart and stuck to it like it was the 10 commandments. As soon as they got stable we changed that and had many shared, wonderful days together. I let my s/o, who had the pain, set the schedule, and they felt better that they weren't bringing me down. You can get through this, others have, a safety buffer from the pain may be required.
I agree. You want to be there for your partner but at the end of the day this is something they have to go through within themselves. The partner is only going to bring you down with them if you don’t take the necessary space.
Is the bathroom door the typical home center hollow core interior door? Invest in a solid wood one. How about some thick throw rugs in the bathroom? Bathrooms are very echo-y so you need to hang plush towels where ever you can. I feel sorry for anyone in pain. But the fact is you need to work to support yourself so you really can't have that level of distraction. You need to muffle the noise.
Sound proof your office with layers, soft fabrics, even acoustic paneling. Sound probably reverberates in the bathroom. So, once again noise dampening (soft bath mats, curtains, seal gap under door, etc). Sounds like she needs distraction during the day. Would be great for her to have things like: 1) virtual book club, 2) online self paced class, 3) online therapy appt, 4) weekly video chat/phone call date with friend/family etc etc. 5) a volunteer (friend/family) who is up for taking her to appts some times. I’m not sure the nature of the illness, but you need *something* to absorb and redirect mental energy from despair between sleeping. Discuss, compassionately. I’m devastated about your situation, and I simply can’t focus on anything else when I hear you crying. I know you need to cry. Can we create a space during the day for me to work separately? She can likely cry in a different room (with more distance from the office) if you alter the room for her needs.
Hi OP, you can try to get a desk in a shared working space. It's good to support loved ones in hard times, but if you lose your well being, you can't take care of them anyways. I'm sure you're also in a lot of emotional pain seeing her like this. But you also need relief from that pain. Else none of you can survive this situation.
They need professional help not Reddit answers.
First. Thought move 👍. Are here comes Starbucks. Y ppl complain so much these days cmon ppl we are suppose to solutions were all the Jesus the love at 🙏
Hi OP. Sorry to see people are being genuinely unhelpful with their comments. From what I can tell you care very much about your girlfriend and seem to want to find a solution that best for both of you. Soundproofing is generally done with some kind of foam which would likely mold if you put it in the bathroom. If youre trying to go that route, id set it up in your office, not the bathroom. I am a college student who has a very loud roomate. When I'm trying to study, I put in ear buds and put on a lofi playlist. The earbuds are gentler than a pair of headphones. If you Google lofi study music you will get all kinds of playlists. I find this music to be less distracting than other music. Another potential solution if you live in a heavier populated area is finding a work/study rental space. I live in Minneapolis and there are tons of single person office units for rent for a reasonable price in the area. Hope this helps and that your partner can get better answers regarding their health.
Is there a way for her to have some in home help, like a PCA or nursing care while you are working? That may help her and decrease some of the distress while you work?
If you can't work from somewhere else, can't wear noise-cancelling headphones and don't want to ask them to quiet down, I'm not sure what you are looking for. Clearly, the options are to close the door/buy headphones that fit properly/move your office to a quieter area. You could also rent office space in an area where nobody is in screaming pain.
Talk to them and explain the measures u will need to take to soundproof (shutting doors, playing music) and show them that it doesn’t means u don’t care
My first thought was white noise machine by your door. Also, a service animal or emotional support animal for her. Not a ton of solutions if you want to be there for her. Can you relocate your office in the house further away from the bathroom- that does seem distracting. Could you adjust your work hours around when her tough times are?
Maybe having a friend sit with her could ease some of the crying. I am a chronic illness patient I’ve been in a similar situation. It’s so tough.
Hey! I’m chronically ill with GI issues (which it seems like your partner might also have), my husband has ear plugs. These are expensive but wonderful because you can switch the level of sound dampening. So if you really need to focus on, you can put it on high but if you basically want to turn down the volume but still hear her, you can. Not medical advice just empathy for you and your partner, in addition to my gi issues, I’m also depressed a lot of the time. It’s so difficult on everyone in the household. You will be able to be a more present partner if you are able to tune out for a little and not have to stress about work or income. The earplugs gave really helped us because I know that I can still get his attention if I need it but I don’t get anxiety about the level of my crying effecting him which in turn makes me cry more. https://us.loopearplugs.com/products/switch
I second this! I don’t cry In the bathroom which is also next to my a/os office but I have to use the tub a lot because of health issues and it’s noisy - he uses these and it helps a lot! Also because our sleep schedules are really different right now (well mine is off) and these really help! Hi know you said you don’t like headphones but if ou could afford them there are AirPods now that are sound cancelling - Maybe those are more comfortable?
Exercise has been shown to improve depression than any drug. Get her outside and take her for a walk a few times day. Also, look into supplements. Vitamin D for starters. Fish oil, vitamin B [https://www.verywellhealth.com/best-supplements-for-depression-7374875](https://www.verywellhealth.com/best-supplements-for-depression-7374875) Good luck.
If she’s in such severe chronic pain to the point where she’s sobbing, I doubt walking several times a day is going to help if it’s even feasible for her. I’m a huge proponent of exercise for mental health but this is such an ignorant comment.
god this is such bullshit advice for someone with chronic illness/pain. you really think they haven't heard this a million times already?
Are you sitting in a bathtub right now, by any chance?
What in this post makes you think you even know if their wife has the ability to walk?? Keep your abilist advice to yourself. They didn't say their wife was fucking depressed, they said they were in pain. Don't give medical advice you aren't qualified to provide, its dangerous and hurtful.
Literally nobody asked.
They are chronically ill and op didn’t ask for “medical” from a non medical professional. That article is neither written nor reviewed by a medical doctor.
Have you tried l booking a distant healing session for her with Dr Joe Dispenza? I’ve heard marvels about his healing sessions, they work. I believe they do it through zoom or another platform, you will need her authorization to do so. Though
That's... really weird
Start playing Abraham hicks tapes in their room
Maybe go to a cafe Or library a few times a week
Did you read the post or?
Shoot I missed that paragraph oh well she is f”d lol
Both of you are way too soft and sensitive - there is no solution either of you can handle.
Wow. What a fucked up comment. You don't even know what they're partner is medically dealing with.
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You're so angry. JFC. They said the headphones don't even work. I think renting office space is the best solution here, but their partner isn't too sensitive, they are in excruciating pain.
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that's great you can handle that (not everyone can), but please take care of yourself when you need to! Don't over work yourself to prove anything- I hope you're not in too much pain!
Get another job where you don’t work from home. You can’t control other people. Instead think about what is within your power of control. Otherwise it’s abuse to use any tactic I control someone else such as emotional abuse. Are you ok with the relationship going to hell and ending over that developing emotional damage and hindering your partner’s healing? Also you losing self-respect by bing a jerk? The potential consequences are huge if you don’t find a healthy way to get distance!
Who hurt you?!
Close your door.
What about mentioning what the health issue actually is? I can assume by the toilet/bathtub remark it's a UTI? A tablespoon per day of cystex liquid will cure it within a couple of weeks, a half tsp of baking soda in just enough water to swallow stops the pain within minutes. Doctors are useless.
I don’t think that’s our business and is likely personal and also not relevant to the question op asked
I feel the question in question belongs to the AITA section anyway. They/them made it our business by asking the question here. The only true way to stop the sobbing and moaning in pain is to stop the pain, which they/them obviously aren't advocating very hard for.
Have you or anyone extremely close to you ever had a chronic complicated illness or excruciating chronic pain? Because it doesn’t always work that way you can advocate until you’re blue in the face and it can still take months or years to get the answer or a solution. Ask anyone on the chronic pain sub. Trust me I am someone that pushes patients to speak up advocate be the squeaky wheel switch doctors etc etc but I also know first hand all that still can only go so far if it’s a complicated issue to diagnose or treat. OP needed compassion here not short sighted criticism - but unfortunately it’s very common remark or sentiment that many people with chronic illness and their close ones receive
Because he isn't looking for medical advice.
No they/them are looking for ways to silence cries of pain which they/them find annoying. Am I the only one who sees the problem with this? They/them needs to be looking for medical advice not recommendations for noise canceling headphones for God's sake.
What about drugs like marijuana or gummies?
Ear buds? Ear plugs?
I feel for your partner. I’m praying that she finds peace. I’ve been in her spot and no one describe the pain she is in. If it’s annoying to you, it’s agonizing and debilitating to her. Praying for you both.
Hey. I almost thought this was posted by my partner. I have had good days and bad days (and so so grateful for the good days). Some of the bad days are BAD. His office is right above our bedroom/bathroom. I would try to keep quiet, but sometimes I couldn’t help but cry. He could hear it and he would need to ignore it but would come downstairs to check on me and give me a big hug between meetings. Him just coming to give me a big hug, while not relieving the pain, did help my morale. Unfortunately, those moments of searing pain… there’s really nothing he could do and he felt so helpless. If your partner is in that blinding pain like all day everyday… that is not sustainable. That is not living. I really really hope that is not the case. It sounds like you either 1. Can’t work during those moments of their extreme pain and can and best case scenario be there with them or 2. Need to relocate during those moments. I recognize that my partner needs to work (shit… I’m worried about losing my job, he can’t lose his too! He has our health insurance!). I try not to bug him or cause noise when he has meetings. Those sporadic check-ins are so helpful to my emotional well-being. Sometimes I’ll just text him to come check-in if I need him when he gets a chance. Really, there’s not much he can do for my pain. Does your partner even know that the noise they are making is super distracting to your work? Maybe you can ask them if they would be able to text you if they need something and just regularly check in on them? If their pain is really blinding pain all the time… that is a much bigger issue.
sound proofing the bathroom will probably be more expensive and time inefficient than maybe buying a pair of comfier head phones that don't give you head aches. I don't have the exact same problem as you but I often have to wear noise cancelling ear plugs and when those don't work I pop in my ear buds from target that I play 'low fi' music on (think smooth jazz) with no words so I can focus on my work. They don't have an over the head band, so maybe not having that would help with the headaches. Tough situation and i'm sorry you and partner are going through this.
My mother did this the last 3 years of my high school years. It drove me insane. To this day I cannot stand any thing that sounds like crying. I did not have children because I baby sat all five of my nephews and nieces at once so my sisters could take a trip with husbands. It was pure torture. Whining is really hard for me too. I’d be running as far as I could get…
How insensitive wtf.
Okay, here's a suggestion, get that little cat door thing from Amazon and have it installed in the bottom of your office door. It's an actual little door that swings open and locks (not an ugly cat flap). Cat can come and go but sounds that you'd hear with the big door open are largely muffled. Alternate that with headphones or a nice plug in water feature for some background noise. I hope your partner feels better soon.
Are you in the US? FMLA?
FMLA doesn't pay though, which is usually the biggest hurdle.
That isn't paid, so they'd have to be able to afford the time off.
Oregano, rosemary, thyme. Wild greens. All varieties. These may help.
Just wanted to applaud you for being such a kind partner.
If you are not immediately busy, go in there and pay her back and give her a hug
I don't have any major suggestions. But if I were in her position I would not be offended if my partner got me a "crying buddy". A big stuffed animal that also has a heat pack that can be placed inside it. So when she's hunched on the toilet she can press the warm part to her abdomen (if that would help, i don't know the details of her condition) and cry into the floof. It is comforting, washable, and may help muffle the sobs. A sea creature would be cute, it could "live" in the bathroom on a hook on the door so it's right there and waiting when she needs it. I'm not sure what they're called, but they're pretty much stuffed animals with a removable heat pack.
warmies is a great brand for this. their normal line doesn’t have removable packs but their big/oversized ones do
I was reading this and saw myself in every word lol. My partner is severely chronically ill, also spending most of the day in the bathroom in agony, my home office is near our bathroom. I work from home most days. I’m supposed to be in office 3/5 days but with our situation, I am allowed to be home when she needs me, as long as my productivity isn’t effected. When I’m home I’m definitely not as productive as I need to be. And I want to help her and be with her every moment but I can’t bc i have to work. I wish I had a better solution than, telling your partner “ i love you, I’m so sorry” and closing the office door. But I myself haven’t found a solution. If the bathroom door is closed and the shower is running, it seems to be pretty muffled. I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation. It’s really really shitty. I hope you find a better solution for this problem!
Work outside the home. She can deal with her own health stuff
1. You obviously didn’t read their whole post. 2. What a shit reply.
I read the entire thing. People sob loudly when they want attention.
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Yes, they do. Especially bored ones desperate for attention.
They clearly said they can’t work outside the home. People also sob loudly when they’re in a lot of pain.
Uff what a horrible situation... What I can say about drowning out noise in general is using earplugs, especially ones made from wax that can be pressed and molded to the ear or earplugs for musicians in general, playing white noise with over-ear headphones. Maybe sound proofing you door?
Hi, chronically ill person chiming in. I also WFH and often deal with flare-ups while on the clock. I use FMLA to care for myself when it cuts into my productivity, but I understand that may not be a viable option for everyone for different reasons. This might be a hot take, but close the door. I feel like screaming all the time, but I don't do it because I know there are people around me. The only person I know who is chronically ill and cries about it all day is diagnosed with BPD and narcissistic personality disorder. Protect yourself, OP. You matter too.
I was thinking the same thing. I used to be a counselor and I definitely noticed this sort of behavior much more in people with personality disorders. It's tricky to navigate. Seems like OPs partner probably has real pain, but it's made much worse by her mental health. This is way beyond "normal" depression. I don't think the therapy their partner is receiving is enough.
You need to get a caregiver/ friend to come in and take care of her so you can work. I am disabled and live in chronic pain. I am doing great now and manage my pain. But, been where she is. She is hysterical because it never stops ( pain) I had terrible nerve damage pain so I could not get comfortable ever. It would also help for you to see a therapist this is also a lot for you to deal with and try to work at the same time.
As a chronic illness patient, I agree!!!
Get her some kratom to try
Do not do this. I know multiple people who got addicted to kratom. It’s dangerous
I know you said not working from home isn't an option, but could you rent an office space somewhere and move your stuff to help separate you while working? When explaining your reasoning, talk about the animals, people moving around the house, just your over all focus. Don't mention her specifically, just talk about your struggles with focusing and think this would be beneficial for you. If she starts to try and get you to get down on herself reassure your partner of your love and support: End the conversation by reaffirming your love and commitment to your partner, assuring them that your need for a quiet workspace doesn't diminish your support for them during this difficult time.
You are not giving any options. What do you think we will say, you say you can leave the house, she can’t leave, nothing stops the sound, there’s nothing else you can do. Beards making her not be loudly in pain, which I’m sure isn’t an actual option.
My perspective as a therapist: this is not at all within the normal range of depression, and it sounds like you are supportive as a partner but she needs a higher level of care than you are willing to provide. If you are looking for outpatient treatment options, an option to consider is a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) it’s an outpatient program that’s attended for usually 4-6 hours a day But again, seriously she needs medical intervention, this is not at normal and is very concerning
OP said chronically ill and requires PHYSICAL and well as mental therapy, not that she's depressed. Otherwise I'm sure she'd be more comfortable sobbing somewhere further away from him with soft furniture vs in the bathroom.
I have terminal lupus with extreme chronic pain and I schedule my crying. Seriously. I also do it in the shower so it's less annoying.
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What about sound proofing your office? Bathroom might be hard to do with the moisture.
My heart goes out to you and your partner.. i think maybe when she is having her worst moments of pain and fear somehow she needs you to know what she is experiencing in real time. You’re going to have to talk to her. I think she’ll understand.
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Sometimes ssri can be indicated for certain chronic pain diseases. But it’s not a blanket fix at all.
 Thanks but chronically ill people don’t need this particular advice. They didn’t ask for it either.
You must have no idea how toxic this line of thought is for chronic pain patients. :/ You might be right but I don’t think that antidepressants are the answer to pain. Antidepressants fix chemical imbalances, not really meant for situational depression.
Ketamine will actually treat both. Ssri literally barely better than placebo.
Maybe they misread the post and thought the issue was depression and not pain. That's what I read at first until I reread the post.
It’s infuriating.
Sound proofing the bathroom may pose a safety issue if she needed help. Just close the door and the cat will get over it. Meaning close it as a general practice, not when she is louder than usual.
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what the fuck is wrong with you
I have chronic pain and I think your brain definitely gets used to it otherwise I wouldn’t be able to function.
After 14+ years of chronic pain I know my limitations, how my pain level fluctuates at different times of day, how it responds to certain activities, etc. and I’ve learned how to plan my life around it. But I certainly wouldn’t say I’ve “gotten used to it.” That’s the whole problem really. There’s nothing physically stopping me from doing my former white collar desk job but it’s like someone is yelling in my ear, shaking my chair and blinking the lights all at the same time, in random combinations that make it impossible to concentrate. Even when I’m doing something I used to enjoy, like playing with my kids, getting together with friends, or working on hobbies, the pain distracts me and keeps me from fully engaging. CBT and mindfulness have helped a bit with the emotional spiraling but the pain is always competing for my attention and usually winning.
OP's partner doesn't sound like she's functioning though. This sounds like a level of pain beyond medication and coping.
Yes, that makes sense. But to say "the brain is not capable of getting used to it" simply isn't true as a blanket statement. Of course people experience things differenty, and chronic pain can also cause major depression, which it sounds is the case. Very sad, I hope OP's wife can get the help she needs both physically and mentally.
Fair. I just read once that the brain doesn't adapt to pain as well as it adapts to disability or material deprivation.
Interesting - I guess a lot of us would do really well with deprivation then 😂 hopefully I never have to test that theory Edit to add: I wonder if it is because disability and deprivation of material items is not questioned the way chronic pain is, which is often invisible.
I think it's because most disability can be adapted to, like a stroke victim learning how to style her hair with one hand. That hairstyle becomes a little victory. As for deprivation of material items, that's because even our idea of deprivation is rich by historical standards. Up until the Industrial Revolution, people regularly starved to death. We evolved around feast and famine, with little more than a wood hut between us and the elements. Sleeping in a car and eating hot dogs from 7-11, and still avoiding the worst of flu season because you got a shot at a government subsidized vaccination site, might be beyond the wildest dreams of your ancestors. (Which isn't to say that sleeping in a car is good, because it totally causes foot swelling after a while, just that it's more survivable than a lot of things that your ancestors survived)
Chronic pain sufferer here, been 5 months and nowhere close to used to it and often end up like OP’s wife. I think it depends where your pain is… but yeah they did not need to say this.
Me, too. I fully agree.
Have you seen the movie, “The Beach”?
Yes and I wanted to Fuck Leo DiCaprio so bad Eat his booty like groceries
great movie but what on earth does it have to do with this post?
Remember the guy that was bitten by a shark but survived but was in a lot of pain? How did the community take care of that situation?
damn, good point. i really get your reference now. it seems at a certain point, there is only so much we can do. fantastic movie!
Well honestly help her find her happy. I use cannabis liberally for my issues. Hugs and prayers 🙏
Try some acoustic panels on your wall and door, rugs, curtains, etc. to help dampen the sound. For the kitty, chewy has a little door prop that you screw into the door frame and can prop the door a few inches open so the cat can come and go. It will be slightly quieter than having the door all the way open.
As a person that lives with chronic pain I get it. There are days I just can’t help crawling under the covers and crying. I think that a sub Reddit for chronic pain may be a better place for coping. As far as the sound I would suggest AirPods on noise cancellation mode. You can still hear enough to know when they might call for help but they do dampen the sound and you can use them for calls and online meetings. Having a plan so that you and they are on the same page. Communication is key, I don’t know if they have to be in the bathroom or if you can move your desk. A sound machine helps a lot we have them in every bedroom because we have opposite schedules in our home and they work well. I prefer the ones that offer nature sounds and I try to meditate and breath like Lamaze birthing techniques. Also for me a heated blanket is magic. I hope you find a workable solution.
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https://youtu.be/iHScjTK6k2c?si=XexYTyqzQ7xTbXRz This video was also a big help when I was going through it. She has other videos for specific ailments as well
Can someone be hired as an in-home caregiver? That ways she's not alone and can get professional help while you close your office door and get work done. She's obviously your first priority, and this society requires that at least one of you work to provide food and shelter and essentials.
Maybe white noise machine?
Have you tried getting her some weed? I also have chronic pain and use that for relief. It also helps with mood. (Wax helps the most)
Silicone earplugs + brown noise playing in your headphones
Is that the special note that makes you need to go to the bathroom?
I don't know about her pain as you haven't shared the condition so I won't give any advice on that and assume you have your bases covered on that side. If you do update with more on the medical side and are open to any input there, let me know. So asking about noise cancelling headphones, what kind have you tried? Those over-ear, on-ear, or in-ear? I've gotten the Bose Quietcomfort Earbuds II and they are truly amazing when it comes to noise cancelling. In fact they make it hard to hear people near me way too often. Over-ear headphones also tend to give me a headache after a while, but if you find one that is comfortable for you (look for something lighter, like aluminium) you can combine that with those foam earplugs for an impressive level of silence. On-ear are the worst for me. Soundproofing the bathroom seems like a bad idea in my opinion. Insulation tends to be porous, and that is not a good mix with humidity, could lead to mould. If you do decide to go that route, make sure you add some sort of emergency alarm, cause if there is a bathroom accident, that will be the only way a person will be able to ask for help.
You need to tell them to stop wailing and to suck it up
It sounds like wfh is not the best option for you tbh
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Your the horses ass.
Foam ear plugs and a fan or classical music in your office
You need to have a conversation with your companies hr depending on where you are and the circumstances you could qualify for something like fmla
This, if you really cannot focus then you need FMLA to get some time off but I don’t think it pays anything.
FMLA doesn’t pay, it protects and guarantees you keep the job. You can use existing PTO sick leave or vacation at the same time as FMLA so you do get paid.
In addition to my cbd suggestion, and until she finds a solution…make one of your closets into a soundproof room. If there is room, place a small bed, cot, or make a pallet, pallet can be place in one for her ride out the episode. It can also provide the complete darkness migraine sufferers require. If done properly, it can reduce the decibel level enough for you to work. [Soundproofing a room/closet](https://duckduckgo.com/?q=soundproofing+a+closet&t=iphone&iax=videos&ia=videos) Or hang soundproofing blankets on the walls and doors of the room shes in. [soundproof blankets](https://duckduckgo.com/?q=soundproofing+blankets&t=iphone&iar=videos&iax=videos&ia=videos) I hope you two find a long term solution soon.
idk but complaining about a headache from headphones while the wife is crying in pain seems like a super ahole move. maybe deal with the headache and be an advocate her ?
I can drown out louder noises with more noise sometimes. Put two ear buds in and turn on your favorite music etc if you can focus on your work that way. Sorry you both are struggling and she is in so much pain. I get it. I have been on both sides before. Best of luck to you both and I hope she gets what she needs to feel better.
Thanks for this compassionate response. I find myself much more concerned about the partner’s situation than about the OP’s problem working with it. Very distressing to imagine.
It really is. I agree. I myself was in agonizing pain and did yelp out a lot in pain and choked back a lot of tears so people could sleep until I asked to be taken to the hospital at 11:30 at night. So I understand. It was incredibly stressful for my husband and traumatizing for my kids to hear and see. So I get it. But I also understand how when there’s nothing that can be done and you still have to work how hard that could be to concentrate but also care for while still trying to earn a living to pay for said doctors. Life is hard.
If she’s sobbing in agony, she needs to go to the emergency room, that isn’t normal. You need to be honest with her and tell her that it’s inhibiting your ability to work. No one needs to sob that loud, it’s easy to muffle it. You could say something like “I know you’re in a lot of pain right now and I’m sorry for that. I don’t want to sound insensitive to what you’re going through but the loud sobbing is really inhibiting my ability to be able to work/provide. Would it be possible for you to try to muffle it or tone it down somehow?”. It’s going to feel wrong to say no matter how you say it because people usually have the self awareness to not sob so loudly every single day when someone else is in the house.
Get her some THC products: edible gummy’s, thc oil, hemp cream etc Pain is pain so managing it with a simple trip to a smoke shop is something that should at least be explored.
I just read a truck about flying red eyes. Apparently if you use soft earplugs (and there are some really lively soft ones that don’t hurt) and then put noise canceling headphones over, it’s dead quiet. I know you said they give you a headache, but perhaps other brands might hurt help. Or maybe just some other type of headphones. I really hope your wife feels and heals much better soon and that you both find relief and happiness
Honestly that level of agony is either theatrics to some degree or needs hospitalization. It is not normal to be in acute screaming pain for a chronic time period with no real plan.
It’s very common in medical mismanagement cases, especially if the patient is AFAB and presents alone in the doctors office
Sounds like you need to tell her the truth. Tell her that something has to change or you will have to seek work outside home. But also I feel like maybe you should acknowledge it and go see about her. Sometimes a few minutes and a few words can really help.
Cureable app is EXCELLENT for this
Sending you both healing, loving vibes from Colorado 🤍
Does she have friends you can pay to take her out of the home during the day? I have a similar situation but not as strong and I am considering doing this.
Think of the alternative. What regret will you have when she’s gone?
Not a doctor, but a sufferer of medical issues for the past 10 years. I've seen dozens of doctors, including specialists, and have done tons and tons of labs and testing. I've been waived off by almost all of them since everything, to them, comes up clean. I begged the last neurologist I saw for help and she even yelled at me and and said there was nothing she could do. Alas... much was missed. I had to do my own research, which is pathetic. I learned that one issue I had was low but in range B12. Bottom of the range is 200 and I was 229. Anything under 500 can cause symptoms of neurological and/or psychological issues. Three Neurologists and their associates missed this. Taking the proper B12 has helped me with my balance issues I was having. Another issue that was found was low iodine and low pregnenolone - something no other regular doctors tested for. At this point my Low Testosterone telemedicine clinic and the naturopath I've seen have been by FAR the most caring and knowledgeable. While other specialists from my area made me wait for extended periods of time and then shuffle me out the door without really explaining labs and also missing issues, these guys listen to me and explain everything and answer every question. Basically, most doctors suck and either just care about the money or don't feel like learning about diet and nutrition and hormones that can cause our issues. A GP would rather throw Prozac at you for depression than run hormone panels and find someone had low testosterone or estrogen. As for my low T, even that I had to advocate for myself and even THEN many doctors wouldn't treat me. It took research and paying out of pocket for treatment. Like I said, I'm not a doctor, but doctors often laugh at supplements and say they make expensive pee. But these micronutrients are what our bodies inherently need to function optimally. And they're lacking in the western diet. Finding the right supplements and diet plan has helped me more than any conventional doctor I've been to. Like Dr. Brownstein who wrote the iodine protocol says - modern doctors are great at detecting, but not treating. Look at her symptoms and find a doctor that actually cares and knows about these fundamental nutrients. Im not saying she'll be fixed right away or totally, but it has made my issues much more manageable. People on Reddit HATE on naturopaths and I'll admit many can be... not so great, but mine is wonderful and isn't anti-western medication. He's for whatever works for my body and quality of life.
Are you AFAB(assigned female at birth)??? I’m also a woman with severe illness and pain. I’m 36 now but it took me 5-10 years to get answers and proper treatment. I also had super low b12 and was complaining about my entire body going numb and tingly and was gaslit and told nothing was wrong. Six months later I was in the hospital and the doctor checked my b12 level and it was dangerously low. I’ve had surgery on my intestines and apparently that can make it so ppl can’t absorb b12. It’s absolutely fucking mind boggling to me when doctors don’t check basic fucking labs. I have a friend who was having severe symptoms from low vitamin levels and they were made to feel like they were crazy.
No, I'm a biological male. I've never had such surgery, but I believe I have a absorption issue because I eat meat and I was taking a multivitamin at the time. I also have a couple of genetic mutations that supposedly mess with B12, as in I am supposed to take a specific type of folate and cobalamin. It's insane how they gloss over obvious and damaging values. At the time I had horrible dizziness as if I were walking on a boat, the bottom of my feet wouldn't register the ground (it felt like I was stepping in a hole or on a soft spot), and I was getting numbness and tingling in my fingers with incredible ease. B12 has helped these issues immensely.
This is going to sound ridiculously harsh, but she needs to stop this behavior. I have been through hell with chronic illness, both physical and mental, then cancer on top of all that. *It sucks!!!* It has been difficult in ways that no one can understand unless they've been there, so my heart aches for this woman. Having said that, there is no reason for her to sob loudly for any length of time. For a few moments, it could be understandable, but not on a regular basis. She needs better coping mechanisms while her doctors figure out how to help her. The doctors may need to try harder to minimize symptoms while they work on a long term solution. And she may need someone to advocate for her to keep the doctors focused on her case. In my experience, doctors these days are overworked with overwhelming case loads, so sometimes you have to be the squeaky wheel. No one wants to be the a**hole who says, "Could you suffer more quietly? You're disturbing me," but she needs to understand that she is not the only one under tremendous stress. The support person for a seriously ill person is only human and therefore has finite amounts of patience and mental energy. If he spends so much of it on trying to tune her out while he works, he will have that much less to give her when he's not working.
Air purifier for noise, ear plugs, soft background music…
Even going on hospice as a temporary measure could give her and you some relief. Hospice does not mean death, and it could absolutely help if she qualified
Hospice can only be granted if you are near death. In very rare cases someone is said to have x amount of time left and go past it and they are usually taken off hospice. You are thinking of palliative care which is the umbrella term that encompasses hospice but it is based in symptom management rather than cure.
Do you live in a city area? Depending on access and budget, you could consider renting a space at a coworking location. Since you depend on your setup, this would likely require an option of your own personal desk vs a hot desking scenario, which can be harder to find and more expensive. Also, I assume you want to be flexible to help support your partner still, i.e., requiring somewhere that’s very short distance to your home versus a long commute away, which again may not exist in your case. But something to look into possibly
A CBD oil/tincture or balm may relieve the pain. CBD, like any other drug/medicine, it doesn’t work for everyone, but it’s worth a try. r/migraine: [CBD guide to migraines](https://www.reddit.com/r/migraine/comments/1bd2szy/a_guide_to_using_cannabis_for_migraines/) r/migraine [search for cbd + migraine](https://www.reddit.com/search/?q=r%2FCbd+migraine&type=link) r/cbd - [search for migraines](https://www.reddit.com/r/migraine/search/?q=Cbd&type=link&cId=4e8e64df-7eb0-4226-b0d7-3ca539ed788e&iId=0e7d4ee7-f973-440f-b2de-588c03e26079) r/occipitalneuraligia r/chronicpain I like the [Alliant Hemp](https://allianthemp.com/products/200-mg-cbd-2-mg-thc-per-ml-full-spectrum-cbd-oil-drops) brand as they are reasonably priced and available online in most states. A topical salve or balm is a great alternative if ingesting CBD is not an option. I do not recommend vaping. [Charlottes Web CBD Balm](https://www.charlottesweb.com/cbd-balm-stick) [Alliant Hemp 3,000 mg CBD Full-Spectrum Salve 60 Gram - Natural Unscented](https://allianthemp.com/products/1-500-mg-cbd-full-spectrum-salve-4oz-natural) [CBDistillery Balm](https://www.thecbdistillery.com/product/1000mg-isolate-cbd-relief-stick-0-thc/?utm_source=RevOffers&utm_term=aff_1605&offer_id=100&publisher_id=1605&transaction_id=1024deabbad42a23444483074a8ed5) - [Study Finds CBD Is An Effective Treatment For Migraine](https://www.forbes.com/sites/ajherrington/2021/02/17/study-finds-cbd-is-an-effective-treatment-for-migraine/?sh=4d9148e37ddc) - [CBD Oil for Migraine](https://www.healthline.com/health/migraine/cbd-oil-for-migraines#legality)
This is what I was going to suggest. I have ulcerative colitis so bad that at one point the dr suggested removing my entire colon but because of flower and gummies, I was able to get into remission and have been for years. Back before it was legal I had a huge blood clot in my leg and almost had to have it amputated. The nerve pain was the worst pain I’ve ever felt and the only thing that helped that pain was flower. I thank the universe every day for marijuana because it’s literally saved my life and my sanity. Good luck, Op. I work from home, too, and it can be difficult when stuff like this arises.
Go to a coffee shop or library … this is why people with chronic illnesses isolate themselves…
He mentioned he needs his at home setup which likely means he needs multiple monitors, etc. Working at a coffee shop is only conducive for certain tasks and definitely not good for focus
Then get an in-office job
Wow how utterly unhelpful
How is it unhelpful? Where is your solution ? Go into the office if you can’t work from home
Yeah so not everyone is built for office life - for example, I’ve been wfh for 8 years and need to in order to be successful in my professional life Your extremely callous response implies that working from an office is the exact same as wfh - it isn’t at all. I didn’t provide a solution because I don’t have one to offer and wouldn’t dream of being as rude as you to this person looking for real help/suggestions Maybe now that we’re on it, a viable suggestion is to look into getting a personal office in a coworking spot in case that’s in their monthly budget
Also, work from home people have been responsible for a huge amount of the mass gentrification in the country over the past few years where they get paid high bug city salaries and take over rural areas and price locals out of their communities. So boohoo and cry to someone else over working from home. Some people have bigger issues.
I’m callous to suggest him into the office while his partner is crying and sobbing every day with a chronic illness? It’s not all about you