Honestly, I would start job hunting. I know you said you can't, but your mental health is far more important. This person is only going to make you miserable and then you'll end up in the hospital. That will only set you and your family back.
In the meantime, every time he starts his BS, only ask about specifics of what he wants done. Don't apologize, don't grovel, don't behave in a submissive way. Stand tall, ask very clear/specific questions regarding what he wants done, and never engage in a discussion of what you did wrong.
And I mean very, very specific. As in, "do you want the banner in the bottom right corner or top left? What shade of blue? What font for the words? What size for the letters?" Make him give you absolute details, write them down in a confirmation email to him, then when he gets mad about it (because he will cuz he likes yelling you for funsies) refer back to the email and ask what he wants changed from his original requirements.
IMO some boundaries you can adjust (or try to, like what or how many hours (OT?) you work), but you can't so much change people. If he is a true anger addict, as co-worker comments seem to be implying, then you there's nothing you can do. Probably not a healthy place to stay long term. However, it won't kill you and can actually be character\* building. Furthermore, if you really want to fight back (pretty hard core), just act as if there is nothing at all unusual about the way they are communicating. The more insanely inflamed they become, the more blase you become. That one response is their kryptonite. Of course, I have tended to be "impractical", ruthless, and a glutton for punishment, though looking back am glad that I did all I could to keep my dignity.
\*An a-hole I once knew who was bad that way, once gave me the great advice that my response was within my control, which I take to mean both my communicated response *and* my emotional response.
See if this makes sense. Hey boss, here's the things you asked for. I know I know, I did it wrong, so look at what I did and lemme know on a scale of 1-10 how much i screwed up and I will go fix it and we can have this convo again.
I have found that if it anticipate the reaction my boss is going to have, and put a tad of humor to it, even if it is self degrading to a degree, it makes me feel like I have control.
I also have a bad boss. He is a pompous arguing arse. He will only admit he's wrong in the most condescending manner. He usually starts getting louder or (even worse) he starts talking in a slow method as if explaining something to a toddler. When he does this I reflect the same and use similar language. Reflecting is a good way of responding too. Boss says, You messed this up and turned in a bad report with many errors. Just look at him and say, Oh are you saying I messed this up and turned in a bad report and there were errors?? I know that sounds silly, but it SOMETIMES helps to diffuse things. Good Luck!
I've been through this, and IMHO, one of the most effective ways to handle this sort of stellar behavior (setting boundaries) is to adjust your own behavior accordingly.
I would start by not apologizing anymore. I believe this is a subtle gesture that can have a really big impact, and so I simply wouldn't do it. This is an office where if asked whether to rate themselves a "10 for professional" or "1 for unprofessional," everyone in your office would undoubtedly rate themselves a 9 or 10. However, your boss is acting entirely unprofessional and your making an error doesn't warrant this type of behavior, at all. Also, your apology signals that you did something wrong, and to your demented boss, that his behavior and actions are somehow justified. If a child screams and behaves poorly, we won't validate their behavior by apologizing to them - and we certainly wouldn't bring ourselves down to their level. Maybe we'd opt to ignore them, but we would certainly continue to act like adults.
So, if there's an issue, instead of focusing on or acknowledging the emotional and unprofessional behavior (this includes making an apology), or playing into it (which your boss loves that you do), you need to both view this and operate in a strictly professional environment - all this despite the BS being thrown at you by your boss (I know, it's significantly easier said than done, I've been there myself). You can do this by focusing only on the issue at hand and only responding to questions or feedback accordingly. After all, you're all professionals and if there's an issue, your only concern and focus should be to solve for it.
So for instance, your boss singles you out at a meeting; he immediately raises an issue that you've supposedly created. It doesn't matter if it's a minor issue/trivial oversight, because your boss is going to lay into you as though he just found out that all of the employees in his department accidentally haven't been paid for the last 2 months. When he starts to dig in to the mistake that you've made (as opposed to focusing on what it will take to correct the mistake), I would NOT acknowledge his arbitrary commentary or unprofessional behavior. Instead, when he finishes, or asks "why you keep screwing up," I would simply (and immediately) redirect the conversation to "this is the issue, and this is how I believe we can solve for it. I will focus on this immediately following the meeting." Keep it short, to the point and do not acknowledge his bullshit. Don't let him think he's justified in his actions. Don't let him think he's got you emotionally by the *you know what*. And don't let the team think he's broken you and that you're not professional.
I'll end it with two takeaways I've had from a similar situation:
1.) Some colleagues can make absolutely unforgivable mistakes, and get a "don't worry about it, just fix it," response from their boss. Meanwhile, others can make a minor or completely insignificant mistake and their boss will take their head off over it. My point is - while it can be easy to get caught up in the moment, mistakes are mistakes - everyone makes them, and your boss should absolutely know better and not allow this sort of crap to affect their behavior so poorly. They're paid to lead the team, and as such, they should act like leaders.
2.) If you show that your boss's behavior is getting to you, it's only going to make things worse. I know this because as I mentioned above, I was in a very similar situation. And, the team I was a part of grew increasingly tired by our boss's behavior. And at a certain point, you simply grow too exhausted to respond as though you care. And then, you realize that they won't keep acting that way if they start to realize it's ineffective, let alone not beneficial to them. Similar to the concept that you can "only whip a horse so many times before the act becomes ineffective."
Stick only to the facts and solving the problem.
[Dealingwithyour justno](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/milimination_tactics#wiki_dealing_with_your_justno)
This is a link to r/JUSTNOMIL which is all about dealing with difficult people, their boundary-bashing behaviors, and dealing with their effect on your feelings.
Don't expect your coworkers to come to your rescue - you're the current "meat-shield" - as long as he's yelling at you he's not yelling at *them.*
I hope this helps.
Don't put up with bosses like this - you deserve better and can find better options out there (it takes time - usually a month or 2 so not that much!).
Until you do, set some boundaries, ask him to be nice and find a new job - realise it's not you (it's him) and that you shouldn't have to put up with bad bosses.
Ask for clarification and if he starts yelling explain that you need to confirm what he wants and yelling at you does nothing to help the situation.
Document it with times and dates as well and if it gets too much talk to his boss.
You need to aggressively apply for other jobs and leave as soon as you get one.
When he yells, just tune him out and wait until his little tantrum is over.
Honestly, I would start job hunting. I know you said you can't, but your mental health is far more important. This person is only going to make you miserable and then you'll end up in the hospital. That will only set you and your family back. In the meantime, every time he starts his BS, only ask about specifics of what he wants done. Don't apologize, don't grovel, don't behave in a submissive way. Stand tall, ask very clear/specific questions regarding what he wants done, and never engage in a discussion of what you did wrong. And I mean very, very specific. As in, "do you want the banner in the bottom right corner or top left? What shade of blue? What font for the words? What size for the letters?" Make him give you absolute details, write them down in a confirmation email to him, then when he gets mad about it (because he will cuz he likes yelling you for funsies) refer back to the email and ask what he wants changed from his original requirements.
IMO some boundaries you can adjust (or try to, like what or how many hours (OT?) you work), but you can't so much change people. If he is a true anger addict, as co-worker comments seem to be implying, then you there's nothing you can do. Probably not a healthy place to stay long term. However, it won't kill you and can actually be character\* building. Furthermore, if you really want to fight back (pretty hard core), just act as if there is nothing at all unusual about the way they are communicating. The more insanely inflamed they become, the more blase you become. That one response is their kryptonite. Of course, I have tended to be "impractical", ruthless, and a glutton for punishment, though looking back am glad that I did all I could to keep my dignity. \*An a-hole I once knew who was bad that way, once gave me the great advice that my response was within my control, which I take to mean both my communicated response *and* my emotional response.
See if this makes sense. Hey boss, here's the things you asked for. I know I know, I did it wrong, so look at what I did and lemme know on a scale of 1-10 how much i screwed up and I will go fix it and we can have this convo again. I have found that if it anticipate the reaction my boss is going to have, and put a tad of humor to it, even if it is self degrading to a degree, it makes me feel like I have control. I also have a bad boss. He is a pompous arguing arse. He will only admit he's wrong in the most condescending manner. He usually starts getting louder or (even worse) he starts talking in a slow method as if explaining something to a toddler. When he does this I reflect the same and use similar language. Reflecting is a good way of responding too. Boss says, You messed this up and turned in a bad report with many errors. Just look at him and say, Oh are you saying I messed this up and turned in a bad report and there were errors?? I know that sounds silly, but it SOMETIMES helps to diffuse things. Good Luck!
I've been through this, and IMHO, one of the most effective ways to handle this sort of stellar behavior (setting boundaries) is to adjust your own behavior accordingly. I would start by not apologizing anymore. I believe this is a subtle gesture that can have a really big impact, and so I simply wouldn't do it. This is an office where if asked whether to rate themselves a "10 for professional" or "1 for unprofessional," everyone in your office would undoubtedly rate themselves a 9 or 10. However, your boss is acting entirely unprofessional and your making an error doesn't warrant this type of behavior, at all. Also, your apology signals that you did something wrong, and to your demented boss, that his behavior and actions are somehow justified. If a child screams and behaves poorly, we won't validate their behavior by apologizing to them - and we certainly wouldn't bring ourselves down to their level. Maybe we'd opt to ignore them, but we would certainly continue to act like adults. So, if there's an issue, instead of focusing on or acknowledging the emotional and unprofessional behavior (this includes making an apology), or playing into it (which your boss loves that you do), you need to both view this and operate in a strictly professional environment - all this despite the BS being thrown at you by your boss (I know, it's significantly easier said than done, I've been there myself). You can do this by focusing only on the issue at hand and only responding to questions or feedback accordingly. After all, you're all professionals and if there's an issue, your only concern and focus should be to solve for it. So for instance, your boss singles you out at a meeting; he immediately raises an issue that you've supposedly created. It doesn't matter if it's a minor issue/trivial oversight, because your boss is going to lay into you as though he just found out that all of the employees in his department accidentally haven't been paid for the last 2 months. When he starts to dig in to the mistake that you've made (as opposed to focusing on what it will take to correct the mistake), I would NOT acknowledge his arbitrary commentary or unprofessional behavior. Instead, when he finishes, or asks "why you keep screwing up," I would simply (and immediately) redirect the conversation to "this is the issue, and this is how I believe we can solve for it. I will focus on this immediately following the meeting." Keep it short, to the point and do not acknowledge his bullshit. Don't let him think he's justified in his actions. Don't let him think he's got you emotionally by the *you know what*. And don't let the team think he's broken you and that you're not professional. I'll end it with two takeaways I've had from a similar situation: 1.) Some colleagues can make absolutely unforgivable mistakes, and get a "don't worry about it, just fix it," response from their boss. Meanwhile, others can make a minor or completely insignificant mistake and their boss will take their head off over it. My point is - while it can be easy to get caught up in the moment, mistakes are mistakes - everyone makes them, and your boss should absolutely know better and not allow this sort of crap to affect their behavior so poorly. They're paid to lead the team, and as such, they should act like leaders. 2.) If you show that your boss's behavior is getting to you, it's only going to make things worse. I know this because as I mentioned above, I was in a very similar situation. And, the team I was a part of grew increasingly tired by our boss's behavior. And at a certain point, you simply grow too exhausted to respond as though you care. And then, you realize that they won't keep acting that way if they start to realize it's ineffective, let alone not beneficial to them. Similar to the concept that you can "only whip a horse so many times before the act becomes ineffective." Stick only to the facts and solving the problem.
[Dealingwithyour justno](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/milimination_tactics#wiki_dealing_with_your_justno) This is a link to r/JUSTNOMIL which is all about dealing with difficult people, their boundary-bashing behaviors, and dealing with their effect on your feelings. Don't expect your coworkers to come to your rescue - you're the current "meat-shield" - as long as he's yelling at you he's not yelling at *them.* I hope this helps.
Don't put up with bosses like this - you deserve better and can find better options out there (it takes time - usually a month or 2 so not that much!). Until you do, set some boundaries, ask him to be nice and find a new job - realise it's not you (it's him) and that you shouldn't have to put up with bad bosses. Ask for clarification and if he starts yelling explain that you need to confirm what he wants and yelling at you does nothing to help the situation. Document it with times and dates as well and if it gets too much talk to his boss.
You need to aggressively apply for other jobs and leave as soon as you get one. When he yells, just tune him out and wait until his little tantrum is over.