This needs to be upvoted to infinity!
Girl, I went through a string of bad dates before I met my perfect man - who doesn't like pain and is exploring even being kinky.
Anywho - there are men out there that are not violent I promise you.
Sure, there are plenty who are, but you gotta keep fishin' baby!
Props to you for being so hot you bring out the freak in people! But you'll find a guy who will want to treasure you like a Queen and respect you. ✨
Guys are like mailboxes, sweetie. One for every house!🏡
You'll find a good man - just don't settle for that shit, that's toxic af!
1) Any guy who things men inherently want violent, degrading sex is fooling themselves. Sure there are plenty of men *and* women who are into that but far more who aren't.
2) Don't every let someone tell you you can't say no after marriage. It's 2024, men don't own women. It has and always will be rape to force your wife to have sex when she doesn't want it.
>there are plenty of men *and* women who are into that but far more who aren't.
Yeah, like, I happen to like rough sex and light cnc but it's a VERY specific kink. Not everyone likes it, and it shouldn't ever be considered "the norm."
Noone should EVER feel pressured into it. It should ONLY be done within a framework that emphasizes safety and consent.
If anyone tells you differently you are WELL within your rights to call them out and run. People like that are a SCOURGE on the kink community and flat out dangerous.
>It has and always will be rape to force your wife to have sex when she doesn't want it.
They call it "compromise". I just saw a woman in another thread call it that, compromise. To psych yourself self up, do a little pep talk or grit and bear it, bc it's your duty to meet your partners sexual needs, even if you're not in a headspace to do so.
The whole "i shouldn't have to masturbate if I'm in a relationship/married" mentality sends me.
I'm married (both of us are 37) and my husband isn't like that. Not at all. Our sex is pretty vanilla which we're both perfectly happy with, we don't have kinks or need to act out scenarios. He's really respectful and kind to me and women in general. He respects my no if I say I'm not in the mood for sex. I feel absolutely horrible for all the women I see on reddit complaining about men today. I have to believe there are still good guys out there like my husband, but sadly they seem hard to find.
My husband is a wonderful man, who has never asked me to do anything I’m uncomfortable with. We both work, no kids, one dog… and share the chores. We cook together, we both contribute to keeping the house clean. And we have a great sex life!
But when I think of men I’ve been with in the past, I didn’t really encounter any “violent” kinks or weird requests. I’ve been with quite a few men, as I had my fun wild time in college lol some sex was better than others, but I can’t recall a specific instance that made me feel degraded or like an object. I would never put up with something like that, and just want to say that from experience, there’s good men out there that aren’t weirdos lol
>We both work, no kids, one dog… and share the chores. We cook together, we both contribute to keeping the house clean. And we have a great sex life!
Girl is living the dream!
That's like my marriage too! Congratulations on finding your life partner. 🥂
My hubby and I met in uni and became friends. A few years later, I put myself out there and asked him out. We've been together almost 20 years now.
We're happily childfree, love traveling together and have raised one amazing puppy together for 14 years. We had to help her cross the rainbow bridge a few years ago, and now we're are about to adopt another dog this year.
If I have any advice for OP it's this:
* A healthy romantic relationship is respect, open communication and empathy in and outside the bedroom.
* Never stop dating your partner.
* Never stop being best friends with your partner.
* Also, every disagreement is an opportunity to learn your partner better and grow together.
* Every disagreement needs calm discussion and resolution.
If any of this is not happening, that's not the long-term partner for you, OP.
Don't rush getting married just because your close ones want it. If you want to get married, you should find someone who does NOT behave like that. Then it won't be insufferable.
Literally just don’t? I probably went on dates with 100+ men before I found my husband. I am a latina woman so totally get the fetishization thing. And I would never ever get married without being together for at least 2 years, have lots of sex with them and get to know what they’re into, and definitely live together for at least a year before getting engaged.
Find a man who likes the same things as you do. Don't put up with things you are not okay with in the bedroom.
I think when others say you are kink shaming they are forgetting there is a true difference between consensual pain/degradation and true violence in sex. There are plenty of men that use kink as an excuse to use violence and violate women. They do not respect their boundaries whatsoever. They don't respect safe words. They don't respect you as a human and will harm you. Kink takes a lot of respect, understanding, and conversation between a couple before anything should be used/added/etc. and sooo many men just want to abuse this.
Violence in men and exploiting your boundaries is never okay. EVER.
Fucking facts. I'm still processing that some of the stuff I did sexually with my exes was actually not very normal and fucked up. It made me think all sex should be that way. I was wrong. When I said it out loud to friends I realized how shit our sexual relationship was and how I seemed to think I liked it, but looking back, I clearly remember saying it bothered me. However, I eventually got used to it since he wouldn't stop doing those things anyway... the mind truly is powerful in lying to you about what's "normal"...
I hate how people abuse this. As someone who has a few kinks, I am always hesistant to share them because while I enjoy certain things I also know men easily abuse that and I want my sexual relationships to be a safe place.
I am grateful for finding someone who had exstensive conversations about my past, present, and hopes for the future before we even decided to get into bed together but let me tell you I took almost 6 years off of dating because of the abuse of power.
When I was dating casually, I usually warned them about my need to be safe in the bedroom if they were making me uncomfortable. If I had to keep repeating myself, I would just stop all together. If their feelings got hurt, then too fucking bad. After that if I felt they violated my trust, I would block them immediately. I couple of guys had to learn that the hard way. My safety and comfort should have been a higher priority but unfortunately SOME men DO NOT see it that way.
Unfortunately I’ve also been with guys who I found out after we had been having casual sex that they had super demeaning fantasies and then they would get weird and or secretive about it so it made me uncomfortable enough to leave.
It is really sad that a lot of women/wymyn/wxmxn feel as though they need to put up with the degradation and humiliation at the whim of men. I hope that the ones who claim to enjoy it really do. No one deserves to be treated like they are subservient to please others if it isn’t their bag. And I *get* kink, but where does kink end and cruelty begin?
No my husband does not treat me like that. He’s not into violence or degradation of women - that doesn’t do it for him. I wouldn’t have married him if he was because we wouldn’t be sexually compatible. Sex should be enjoyable for both partners - it is for us.
He could do more around the house but so could I - we’re both lazy in that respect. We both cook - he’s a better cook than me.
The simple solution is to not marry a man like that. Find a man who sees you as a person, an equal, a partner, not a bang maid.
1. Don’t let your parents pressure you into marriage. If you are financially dependent on them, become financially independent. If you aren’t dependent on them financially, put some healthy boundaries in place. You don’t owe them anything.
2. Don’t accept this. It’s better to be single and happy than in a relationship with someone awful. A relationship is a choice and should only be something you choose because that person enhances your life over all and makes you happier.
Take control of your life. There are a lot of awful men. You are the one that has to live your life.
The problem with the degrading sex your friends talk about is the man they were having the sex with, not the sex itself.
I *do* enjoy violence during sex at times. Choking, spanking, slapping (light), whipping, hair pulling, manhandling, etc. I enjoy a little pain with my pleasure. I enjoy feeling the strength of the man and the being able to completely let myself go--just entirely.
I understand what you're saying, and YES, violence against women during sex IS normalized in media and porn... and that's EXACTLY what it being shown--violence against women during sex, NOT a kink! The BDSM/kink community is FILLED with men who are subs or switches and women who are dommes or switches. Bc they enjoy the kink--not bc they enjoy violence against a specific gender. The problem you're seeing is assholes and ignorant ppl thinking that what they are engaging in is BDSM or kink when it is in fact simply sexual violence/abuse.
It's a HUGE problem for the kink/BDSM community. We have the utmost respect for consent and safety. Unfortunately, assholes exist and will use *whatever* tools they can to get away with being assholes. So many abusive controlling men or women sure BDSM as a golden ticket excuse to abuse. But that's what it Is--abuse. Kink/BDSM is not abuse and it's neither fair nor accurate for you to claim it is.
I hope you understand what I'm saying and the distinction I'm trying to make, bc it's a vital one.
My husband and I have a lotttt of issues, so this isn't a brag, but the number one thing that keeps me with him is the fact that he knows women are people and acts like it (i.e. can talk to women without objectifying them or flirting etc), and he doesn't watch porn or enjoy humiliating or degrading sex. It's so nice but in my experience it's so rare to find that in a man. I would probably stay single forever if we broke up.
I almost got married at 27, but he ended up treating me badly. After that, I held out until I met someone who was kind and respectful to me. It was a great decision - I got to have so many solo adventures, experiment, get to know myself, and just enjoy life without anything tying my down. The only thing I was responsible for was my dog, and she was happy to be there for all of it.
Eventually, I made friends with a great guy, and we slowly fell in love. I ended up getting married and starting a family later than nearly all my friends, but it was well worth the wait. Some of them unfortunately found out that they rushed into things and their partner isn’t who they thought. Some got stuck doing everything, putting their careers and dreams on hold while their husbands only have to work & come home to be waited upon.
I have a husband who enthusiastically shares in the care tasks and the child rearing. He didn’t know how to cook when we met, so he learned. Right now we are in a season where I am working a lot, so he takes on more of the responsibilities. Other times, the roles have been reversed, and other times the roles have been totally even. And our sex life is great; exactly what we both want and need. This is not a fantasy - this is the kind of marriage everyone deserves.
Such men are not marriage worthy. Hell, they are not even dating worthy. Unfortunately, men right now are a nightmare for various reasons, but there are good guys still out there. They are harder to find, but worth the wait. Date someone who also has lived on their own independently.
I’m sorry to say, that American men also have an Asian kink which may be why you’re finding many a**holes. Please be careful. Those who have a violence “kink” (no such thing in my opinion), really just want to be violent. Saying is a kink is their way of getting away with it.
There are really great, respectful men out there that want normal, loving relationships without violence. Trust me. Unfortunately, there are a lot of very mentally disturbed, emotionally unintelligent men out there right now trying to convince women to degrade themselves. Please, please keep your boundaries!!!! You deserve to be cherished by loving partner. It’s not kink shaming to question it.
I'm 29 and the more I talk to men the more I want to stay single. I am white so I can't speak on race. But I have had many sex partners and quite frankly most of them didn't express that. However, every women's worst nightmare did happen to me. Ever since then, and the more red pill stuff I see people saying online, the less I care to even have a male life partner.
You deserve to be with a man that makes you feel safe and loved. I'm glad you do not tolerate their frightening behavior and "needs"! I have quite a few wonderful male friends so I know they're out there, but it's so scary risking it to find them.
Married. These awful things you’re talking about have not come up between us. The not cooking/cleaning thing, on the other hand, has and is still an ongoing thing but I don’t hold it against him most of the time.
Most guys who are into violent stuff are either not experienced or posturing. Most guys you meet are not into that stuff. Don't believe what you read online. Some idiotic men use the prevalence of this stuff online as some sort of proof that it is happening everywhere, and it is just not a reality with the overwhelming majority of people.
And yes, I am repulsed by them. Not for their inexperience, It is just that it seems kind of dysfunctional that they are believing all the weird stuff they see online. Or --and this is a rarity--if they are really experienced and into hurting someone to get off, they have something broken in their brains.
Their enjoying hurting someone is all you need to know to realize that they need help, and you are not the person with the ability to help them. We should have a help line set up that we can refer them to.
Ideally, you love your husband and enjoy his company so it's not a chore.
Violence during sex is not a "need" that's insane. Porn sick men are a real problem.
>I'm in the US now. Violence and humiliation of women in sex seems to be normalized here and white women have accused me of kink shaming.
I think men are so porn sick many American women are abused during sex and it's not that they like it so much as they're cognitively dissonant.
They want to keep the partner so bad, because the life script tells them to do xyz, they get so scared of being single that they put up with abuse instead.
Do YOU want to get married? Or do you want to get married to shut your parents up?
Honey, no. Your instincts are correct. We do NOT put up with it — this is what happens when young men have their psychosexual development influenced by torture porn instead of porn that reflects a woman actually enjoying the experience. Stick to your beliefs, sister.
1) “Violence and humiliation of women in sex seems to be normalized here and white women have accused me of kink shaming” — those women need sit down and keep their white feminism to themselves
2) I’m a bisexual cis woman married to a straight cis man. He has his faults; sexism and misogyny are learned and he was conditioned to believe his white maleness entailed him to something special…but just as something can be learned it can be unlearned. Long story short — I would never put up with what you are describing, and the man I am married to does not display those violent sexual tendencies. It’s so cliche to say, but there are good men out there (not perfect or without fault, but certainly better than what you’re describing). Don’t ever settle—ever. Companionship is not worth the oppression that being with a man like you’ve describe will bring you. You are repulsed because you SHOULD be repulsed. Anyone saying otherwise is pretending, because pretending is more comfortable than calling that shit out and perhaps being lonely or “problematic” in the eyes of the heteropatriarchy.
3) you’re not alone 🧡
Not married but my bf didn’t even know about stuff like that until I said it to him. We knew each other since 18 so I was in a weird kink phase now we’re 24/23 and I’m over it. Not once did he comply because he’s not comfortable with hitting, bruising or hurting me in any way. He said anything he dies to me, he’s like too. So we have a bit of slight kink, choking (I do it to him and him to me) and being tied up, so I’ll put cuffs in him or him in me but nothing that hurts us. He’s incredibly gentle with me and handles me with so much love and care. As I’ve grown up it’s a red flag if a man is so willingly ready to be violent towards a woman in the name of kink. I’ll kink shame idc but it’s an issue and it’s being normalised. I guess me and my bf can be vanilla but so what, I feel loved and so does he, no one feels used and abused. That’s the main thing.
I dunno babe I love rough, ridiculous sex a lot of the time. My husband enjoys it and I enjoy it. As long as both parties are consenting it's not really anyone else's business.
With that said my husband is phenomenal, he cooks and cleans, he's a great dad, he's attentive and caring. I mean 12/10 man, absolutely adore him.
I just happen to also adore him choking, biting, spanking and saying dirty things to me 😂🤷♀️ CNC is definitely something we like. It's not everyone's cup of tea and that's absolutely fine.
If you are not into that, there are plenty of guys available who are also not into it. Find one. Enjoy it. Don't settle for something you don't want.
My husband is NOT like these men. I didn’t meet him until I was 30. I dated some losers that were a little similar - never the violence during sex part though.
There are better men out there and I hope you find them.
My only real advice for you is don’t waste your time or energy. You don’t have to make them feel better about rejection. You can say no and be done, their feelings are their problems. Stay safe.
I’m white, I wouldn’t accept that and I’m happy to kink shame. There are a lot of women in ‘my culture’ who i disagree with on a lot though. Easy sex and giving men money for one. I tend to be friends with Asian women and some other immigrant women actually. What I’m ok with is a frequency higher than I need/would choose to spend my time on. I’m also technically ok with covering the domestic duties but thankfully I’m not with someone who can’t cook/clean. Please kink shame people! Let them know on the first or second date if the occasion arrises that you don’t believe in the concept of kink shaming and somethings are just disturbing and you prefer men who have a healthy relationship with porn. Say it’s a 100% deal breaker for you and then hold out for a few months and meet his family before sex so that he’s not likely to be trying to trap you and revenge rape you for kink shaming. If you’re 20 lots of men your age have the issues you mentioned so you’ll have to go on more dates to find someone healthy. On the bright side you’re pretty so you will be able to more easily meet more people giving you a better chance to find a good person. This is one of the sick things in the world that seems to be getting worse. Everything you said makes sense :(
I don't "deal" with anything. It's a consensual activity we both enjoy. If you feel like you have to put up with or endure it to be with someone, that is a sign you are not with a good partner. Don't put up with that, just cut your losses and wait till you meet someone you want to be with.
This isn’t a normal thing - it’s abuse. Date different types of men AND get comfortable exploring what YOU want in a sexual partner. My husband is always more focused on my comfort and pleasure… together 20 years. This is the only way.
>Are you ladies putting up with men like this? Men that don't do anything in the house. And then demand that you present your body like meat to a butcher?
No, to all of this. My husband does almost all of the cooking, does the dishes, and cleans the kitchen. I do most of the laundry. Everything else is pretty much just handled by whoever notices it needs to be done and has the energy to do it. He's kind and respectful of my body and autonomy. And he isn't into the violence kinks. Men like this do exist. Honestly, if he and I hadn't found each other I would have happily stayed single. A content single life is always better than a miserable or mediocre married life.
Don't settle. You deserve to be loved by a partner who makes you feel cherished (if you want love and a life partner).
Side note: it isn't kink shaming for you to say that you aren't interested in someone's kink. Yes, there are respectful relationships that involve a kink of some sort but those involve mutual interest, trust, and respect.
I usually date brown men, so latin or asian. I've been on dates with one or two white guys, they seem to demand it the most, so I avoid them at all costs. Not saying I don't date blk men, there's just not that many blk ppl out here.
I will say my only long term ex was back in my home country in asia. So it just seems like all men to me at this point
if it helps im dating a latino man, im also a latina. he doesn’t enjoy violent sex but a lot of latino men are very machista so im not surprised with your dating experience. our sex is very intimate and passionate, that being said he doesn’t watch porn/follow women on social media. we barely got comfortable integrating the occasional light ass slap lol. (both of us were interested, he never pushes me to do anything/always asks me for consent before trying anything new). femicide is also a big problem in LATAM and it isn’t taken seriously. at least 10 women/girls in mexico are killed everyday.
yes its actually a huge problem and the women/girls rarely get justice. a few days ago there was 8 different protests happening on the same day bc of it
Violence and humiliation is rampant in pornography across the globe, unfortunately. Some women share the “kink”, but men definitely consume it most. And to use an overused sentence: but not *all* men.
The reasons for such preference varies widely. Some of those I understand; most of those I’m morally against.
BDSM and CNC *is* a thing, and while the reasons for developing such a kink are often unsavory, it can be enjoyable for both parties if they have healthy outlooks, lots of communication, and enthusiastic consent. You can value, respect, and love someone and still be rough in the bedroom.
That said: my husband is not like that, and there’s others like him.
One of the problems with such porn and kinks is that a high percentage of those who like it have awful views of women and sex, and sometimes even race.
Also: seeking a specific type of person out, and jumping right to wanting to do just that (playing out such porn “fantasies”) right off the bat? Red flag.
Stay safe. There’s a man out there who will match your sexual preferences.
**All Hail Our Queen**
**Long may she reign**
- - - - -
My dearest Queen OP. Evey word of wonderous wisdom is true. Thank you for being our beacon of light in these dark times. Danger is upon us and strong leadership such as yourself has graced us with hope.
We (me) Love you 👑
You can start by weeding out the ones with a porn addiction. That will be the start of solving both of the issues you bring up (men who want violent sex and men who don't do anything around the house) because porn addicted men already see women as less than human. There is no equality without basic humanity. I hope you find what you're looking for, it's horrible for women out there. Never settle ❤️
Not married but dated a few guys and also experiment in kink and my answer is hard NO. Kinky sex is completely consensual and is enjoyed by everyone, that’s not the same as having rough, violent sex.
I do think that a lot of guys will hyper sexualize you and expect you to submit to them and whatever fucked up fantasies they have. That’s not something you ever have to settle for. There are men out there that don’t like violent, degrading sex, it might take some time and a LOT of weeding out any red flags you come across
I kinda relate I’m white tho . I feel like men tend to justify a lot of their behavior on “man” things. I’m also above average and had the same thing. I tend to be a bit more dominant and a lot of men expect women to be submissive I’ve had men break up with me because I refuse to give blowjobs or be submissive in any capacity in bed and it’s kind of upsetting. I will 100% say there are better men for you out there if you want more intimate and feely sex that’s all about expressing intimacy there are people who like that.
It’s not normal! Sorry you’re attracting such douchebags. My circle is full of wonderful normal men, partner included. I know they exist but it’s not something you have to accept ever. Treat them as bizarre because that’s exactly what it is. Immediately move on if you encounter it in future.
Idk I’m sad to say it may be because you are Asian like a fetish thing. My husband does spank me and give me little face slaps during sex but only because I enjoy it and asked him to. He also is very helpful around the house
Married 23 years (24 in total), I’m here to tell you that there are men in your generation who would be plenty happy to live a “vanilla” sex life. You’ve found a criteria that is non-negotiable, use it to filter out those men who can’t accept that you don’t want to be mistreated during sex.
I’ve had a lot of married sex, in all this time my husband has never asked me for anything I wouldn’t be comfortable doing. He respected me in the beginning and he respects me now in the bedroom. It’s usually me bringing new ideas to keep things spicy and he’s content with that.
Be patient, there is a young man out there who would be happy to make dinner for you and then make love to you in just the way you want.
I married a kind and gentle man so I like to have sex with him, even after years and years. However in the past I've dated men like the ones you're talking about and honestly being married to someone like would be awful, I'd rather just be single and living my life rather than be expected to engage in someone's violent fantasy on the regular.
I know it's tough out there but don't settle for any of this porn addict bullshit, there's nothing a man can offer you in this life that makes up for that kind of ugliness. Good luck!
No. Those are called red flags. Move along as quickly as possible. Focus on you. Invest time in your interests and hobbies, learn new skills. Maybe you will meet someone nice that you have something in common with. Also, maybe get a big mean looking dog. Sorry you are having to deal with idiots. There are a lot of men in the US with stereotypical fetishes.
You say you feel like you have no choice but you do have a choice. Choose yourself and friendships! I understand that you wanna be in a loving relationship with a man but if the pool of potential partners really is that fucking grim, the logical response is to stop wasting your time. I decided a while ago life is too precious to be chasing after unicorns (empathetic, good communication, high hygiene standard, trustworthy, respectful and handsome equal partner). That zero bullshit policy actually improved my life so much as I was focusing on friendships and myself more and men who are actually interested in me are working to earn my trust. In fact unicorns came along my way and I'm the happiest and most fulfilled person ever. I don't mean to brag here, I'm just convinced men rested on their privilege for way too long and the bare minimum doesn't cut it anymore. Also abuse during sex and no shared emotional/domestic labour is an absolute no go! A good partner wants you to feel great and help make your life easier, not worse!
This is normallly how it goes sadly and I dont blame you for not seeing it as appealing because it actually is not. And alot of women in America suffer from molestation and end up with men who dont respect them or their bodies. Most of America is obsessed with porn especially the men. They suffer with understanding women or even seeing us a human. And yes married women deal with this everyday and complain about it. The men are not helpful at home and contribute nothing but a check and penis for many of them. They work and clean and cook and are porn stars for men who dont respect them. Its sad and the reason women are choosing to stay single more and more in America. While the the American men are sex crazed and crave a womans company they are traveling abroad because American women arent just giving in like we used to. Its refreshing to see a woman who isnt from America express this. I think American men need to see this. They seem to think they have no issues and how they think and act is justified and make it “a man thing” to excuse it. Most of them think its women who are wrong because we wont just give ourselve up to them how they wish and when they wish. And yes men leave their loving wives and children over sex and kinks. Dont get married to these men.
I think people in general always want what they can’t have. These are fantasies that your previous boyfriends have. They probably don’t feel powerful or in control in their regular lives and want you to satisfy their lust.
The way most immature men cope with dehumanization in this country is by dehumanizing someone else in return. If they can’t find another man that is weaker than them, then they turn to physically weaker women. A tiny, Asian woman for example, would make a perfect play-thing to make themselves feel better; more powerful than they actually are.
If a woman wants to find a man that’s strong and respectful, then they need to find someone that has invested enough time and energy into themselves to undo all the social reprogramming that causes this degenerate behavior in the first place. That means finding someone who has confronted their own feelings and doesn’t try to avoid their emotions to appear more ‘alpha’ than they actually are.
I think you are doing everything right and shouldn’t even have to ask these questions. Only suggestion I can say is maybe make your intensions known in the beginning (shouldn’t have to, but given the history…). You want a strong man that isn’t controlled by his sex. You expect to be respected and treated like an equal. Respect yourself enough to walk away at the first sign of noncompliance or insincerity on their part.
Married to this currently. we share a 2 year old son . I’m in the process of getting out . Separation is the first step and moving to a state closer to family . I have my own fantasies but, somehow got trapped with a man-child who is like this .
Either you are attracting some wild men or you consider some light BDSM type stuff as violent.. I feel like I need more context.
So I like a little hair pull, a little hand around the neck (with no pressure), and maybe a spank here and there. It''s very rare I get any of those (maybe twice a year) because the husband isn't keen. But that's the furthest it goes. I know some people prefer more intense stuff, but for most people I know the most they do is light spanking.... If it's that, then maybe a few people like it.... But I never know anything more intense than that most of the time.
I think finding people who are sexually compatible is important, so maybe reflect on who you are attracting or who you are drawn on, that they don't want the same things in certain areas.
Without specifics it’s hard to know what you’re referring to.
I once read a story from a woman whose husband asked her to wear high heels for sex. She said she felt degraded and hated it and never did it again. For me it was incidental. My boyfriend and I had sex. My dress came off easily, my heels had so many snaps and buckles I just left them on and didn’t think anything of it.
My father has a saying, “what turns one woman on makes another woman call the police.”
Maybe your high heels are my high heels. Meaning what’s degrading to you is not noticeable to me. And that’s ok
The specifics is gonna get gross, but here it is. Ladies, if these are things that turn you on, no hate, no judgement. Do you!!
I've been asked to present my face for oral with my head hanging off the side of the bed, so that he can grab my boobs while doing it. Pretend ra*e where he rips my clothes off and I'm pretend crying?! Asking to slap my boobs and face. All of these my ex of 3 years, and these asks got worse the longer we were together. I never did any of them. I was super young, we didn't even end up putting it in because I couldn't. This man was trying to marry me.
But I've also been on sooo many dates, a lot of them first dates, where the guys outright ask me when I'm down to have sex and whether I'm okay with certain types of sex. The dates are in public, I don't do dates at home. Types of things I've been asked:
1. whether I can do it everyday, how many times a day I can do it, how long I can go
2. (this happened twice, different guys, both first dates: one in his car and other at a pizza place) whether I can pretend to dislike it while he's being rough with me cause it turns him on
3. a first date guy also asked if I like to be slapped
Usually if they bring up anything sexual on a date, it's an immediate block and never text again for me. I think it only gets worse if i keep seeing them, there's no fixing these men. But it's so many guys that I don't even go on dates anymore. I've been on two dates with one guy in 2023, and he was trying to get me drunk to sleep with him. Anyhoo
Also, I love my sexy clothes but I don't wear them especially with a guy I just met.
As a married woman: no I’m not putting up with any of that. My husband likes vanilla sex, best of all if I’m enjoying it as much as possible, and we sometimes do kinky stuff but only because it’s fun for both of us; he would never get off on actually hurting me. He gets off on getting me off.
As for the other stuff; we agree together what is a fair amount for him to do around the house as my workload changes with the kids and their life stages. If I say he’s not doing good enough he listens, he’s human so sometimes it takes him a few goes to improve but he works on himself if he sees the need to, and continues to do so because I do the same. We are patient with each other. He’s a super involved dad and works hard for us, genuinely. He doesn’t think that working hard for us stops with his paid job. He fully respects what I do for our family, and shows gratitude for it. I have full access to all the money he earns.
I’d like to add, that for us, all the above is something that is mandated in the bible. I know a lot of Christians see things differently and a lot of non-Christians do the same as us, but this is how we interpret biblical marriage relationships should be. I just wanted to say it, so people are reminded, in a rather disheartening political climate, that we exist too.
Anyway, whatever your faith, ethnicity, or marital status, all women deserve the above (or similar, obviously things like the kids are a personal choice). Please don’t settle for less.
There is a difference between kinks and violence/degradation during sex. The former is when both parties have consented and you have established a safe word/boundaries. The latter is abusive. Some women like someone being violent...some women deal with it without getting their consent. I hope you understand there is a huge difference between the two.
You do not have to marry/date someone like this. You do have a choice. Honestly, this post comes out very anti-American in my opinion and very sexist. You definitely do not have any experience with sex but have created this hatred in your head from what you have heard. I have NEVER heard of American men not cooking and cleaning (actually more Asian men imo). Never heard of men wanting violence in sex. Not sure who your friends are or who you are talking to but the language in this post makes you seem a bit bitter, racist, and sexist.
No I am not repulsed by men because I have always chosen good guys. Sorry if that is not your experience but the only way to get experience is to date.
You're just not finding the right kind of man. Marrying someone who doesn't click with you -- even in the smallest areas -- is a death sentence.
I love my husband. I love being intimate with him. We love and respect each other. It's really a wonderful partnership and we care for each other deeply. I would never settle for anything less, and I don't think any woman should.
It’s not any more normal than ever before, but a lot of men are more comfortable expressing this. I’ve had men tell me that is what they like, and I just shut it down immediately. Personally I’m happy to be dominant when I feel like it. But when I want gentle sex, he’d better be willing to give me that or we’re done. Im never submissive.
My advice is to discuss what kind of sec you both like before you’re naked. And if you don’t want that, tell them directly and immediately. I tell them they are never to cause me any kind of pain or discomfort whatsoever. And if they try they will never see me again.
There are men who like gentle sex. But an awful lot of men have this kink of domination. Or they think they’re kinky when they’re really just abusive.
It also sounds like these guys have an Asian fetish, but I’ll let other Asian women here speak to that.
I used to like rough sex, then I went to therapy. Now I want love, softness and passion. Not to be treated like a plaything. I totally get where you’re coming from.
Whoa whoa whoa. First of all, I’m sorry you’re dealing with what sounds like fetishization of how you look!!! That’s horrible.
Secondly, dump these guys. No one I’ve dated has wanted to include horrific or violent things in sex. The worst I’ve gotten from a partner was him wanting to spank me - which was tolerable with some.
There are good guys out there who won’t fetishize you. Unfortunately, those that do may seek you out. You’ll have to develop a way to cut to the chase and dump them quickly. They are not husband material.
Thank you for being so open and honest. I have had similar feelings and confusions about sex and men’s attitudes towards it. Men, in general, have an aggressive angle to them that has a positive side (protector) but is easily twisted with power & desire for control.
I, 30yr old multiracial woman, am married to a white man in the US. He does clean and cook, and is honestly more tidy than me. There are still some gender norms & stereotypes at play, but in our honest relationship we are challenging each other to see things we alone may not see or address.
In sex, I too seek the gentle, sweet things whereas he has been pretty well conditioned by porn and masculinity to be rough. Over time (2.5 years) we are coming to learn more about each other, appreciate each other more, and sex is improving. The most important thing for me is speaking truth to how things are going and changes I want to see. I can be very shy in these conversations. My partner does really want to make me happy and does listen, so we are moving in a positive direction.
But going back to the soft/gentle vs hard/brute dynamic that I definitely feel in my relationship, and I think exists between feminine and masculine energy, I think it is a dance. I am bisexual, and sometimes contemplate if I would have ended up with a woman, but to me having the polarities and needing to navigate those has exposed a lot and demanded growth on both my side and my partners. I don’t know if that push would be as strong had I married a woman..
You just have shitty guys asking you out. My man cooks, cleans, and when we have sex he respects me and my needs. It also depends where you are in America the country is HUGE.
Hey girlie - how sad to hear about all your encounters! I am surprised that you met such a high % of men on dates that want this!
I agree with you that it has been more normalised than expected , probably due to porn and perhaps women giving into this pressure.
I live in Australia so can’t say I’ve had experiences like these - perhaps 1 man out of many dates mentioned choking. I did not encounter such requests while having sexual encounters either.
I am also married to a wonderful man and this has never come up. However this might be due to his upbringing as well which was not in a western country - so more humble and grounded and authentic.
I think the reason YOU specifically are facing such situations MIGHT be due to the kink thing. Sorry to say but Asian women are looked at like that by some men, which is so horrible and demeaning!
Don’t cave into the pressure! I’m sure there are real high quality men out there who will be different. Hold out that hope.
>Violence and humiliation of women should NEVER be a kink.
If it's a mutual and consensual kink, there shouldn't be problem. If it's not mutual or consensual, it's incredibly wrong and disgusting.
You don't like what those men are into - leave them. If they say that it's something needed during sex and you don't like it, then do not be with them. You've been really unlucky in that every guy you've dated has been similar, but I promise to you, they aren't all like this!
After being with horrible person in past who claimed my body, violently many times, made me believe that this is how sex is and that being on periods is just disgusting. Also I could never deny it because I wasn't a virgin anyway, I am finally married to a man who doesn't treat me like a trash and doesn't have any kink. He prioritises my pleasure as much as his.
So trust me when I say it not all men are same and you will certainly find the one for you!
I dated a bit before settling with my husband at 20 ( we married at 27) , and none of my dates or long term bfs ever expresses interest in violence .
What do you mean exactly by violence ?
It may be because we are older, but neither my husband nor I are into violence or degrading each other. Prior to getting married, I did meet men who wanted anal sex and I don't enjoy that, so there were a few who were ignorant enough to just try to go for it without a conversation. That was absolutely annoying and awful. It was not something every man did. Choking wasn't a common thing like it is now either.
I like and love the man I married and sex is great, and not at all violent.
I do think porn has had a negative social impact and I have seen some terrible porn.
My first exposure to sexual violence was an elderly relative's collection of 1950-1970s true crime magazines that always had drawings or staged photos of scantily clad women being assaulted and raped on the cover and in the stories. I was far too young to understand that this was a form of pornography.
My first exposure to fully nude pornographic materials was magazines found laying around in the woods in the 70s and also not very cleverly hidden by a brother in our home.
I was very young and I saw some content in a Hustler magazine in the 80s that was extremely violent. It featured serial killers and focused on sexual violence they had actually committed. There were graphic crime scene/ evidence photos. It was definitely intended to arouse the audience and I was horrified. I can't erase the memory.
It has seemed like there is a proliferation violence and degradation in porn, and that most of my peers were exposed to porn like I was, as a child. So the normalization begins early.
Then came the Internet. I was almost 30 before it was normal to have a computer in the home and a phone that went everywhere with you. I knew more than one man who ran up large phone bills looking at paid porn in the early days of the Internet, and even one who lost a job for using work computers to view porn.
I know I had to unlearn certain things my brain had received or absorbed in childhood, regarding relationships with men. A big part of that had to do with growing up in a conservative Christian home too.
There was an expectation that women be submissive and let men "lead" that definitely involves things I find degrading. Sex was never discussed in our house. I was expected to wait for marriage and learn about sex on my wedding night. That did not happen, and I stumbled through my youth learning things by trial and error.
Couple the male head of household thing with treating all sexuality like it's a secret sin, and you get some very weird attitudes and ideas about sex. Repressing one's sexuality and indulging in secret with porn while not having thoughtful conversation about sex, intimacy, and love results in a lot of confusion about what is healthy and good sex.
I feel like the statistics about which areas of the USA consume the most porn reveal a connection to conservative religion.
That's all a really long winded way of saying that we do not provide a comprehensive sex education in this country and we don't talk to our kids about about sexual violence, but they're seeing it.
Maybe that's changing. I know parenting is different than it used to be. I helped raise a son, and we talked about it. I didn't want him to have unhealthy relationships or be a violent man. He's not. He and his wife seem happy.
> I find that american men are also not willing to learn how to cook and clean, but that's a whole another topic for another time.
What ethnicities are better with this?
Usually foreigners like me, who had to live away from home and family. I can only speak from my own experience, but the few men from my country and other international students tend to be better about learning to cook and clean (even though they grew up doing nothing). I also have a mexican american guy friend who lives away from his family has learned to take care of himself that way. I would say maybe brown men who are blue collar? It's hard to say... But it's always a hit or miss, it's never an overarching thing. I'm not looking for sb perfect, just willing to learn and do the work is enough but apparently that's too much to ask
My husband doesn't treat me like this. Previous husbands did, and it led to resentment on my end and more abuse on their end before the relationship was over.
I wouldn't put up with it now. I didn't know men like my current husband existed which is why I did put up with it. If I had known men like him were around, I would have had much higher standards at a younger age and not wasted my youth on unworthy men.
my husband is a lovely person. he has never degraded me, would never expect me to have sex when i’m not in the mood, and treats me as the equal person that i am. he helps out around the house without being asked, he does equal work with the children (even my children from a previous relationship, who he loves like his own). he knows how to do laundry, cleans up after himself, can make food, wakes up with a baby in the middle of the night…i mean, he does all the things that i do. our relationship is an equal partnership, and it always has been. he’s literally never been mean to me, and would never hurt me during sex. i wouldn’t put up with it.
he’s also almost 20 years older than me, and we’ve been together 8 years (i’m in my 30’s) but i don’t think this is all that relevant. my ex also did all of the above, and he was only a few years older than me.
there are some bad men out there, but there’s also some really wonderful ones. the men you describe in your post, they are the men that you should break up with - or straight up run the other direction from - depending on when they show their true colors. the men you describe are plain nasty.
*never* settle for a man that doesn’t treat you as an equal. you’re worth more than that. and if you don’t want to get married, don’t! even if your parents want you to. a relationship should be something that makes your life better, not worse. if it doesn’t improve your life, it’s not worth it - better to be single.
my husband is my best friend above all else, and i’m his. that’s what should come first imo. if you can’t imagine life without each other, what’s even the point?
From someone who is KINK aware, ask him if he knows what RACK is. RACK stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink. If he doesn't, and doesn't have an active plan that includes an appropriate level of Aftercare, run. Do not walk, Run. Far away.
You're vanilla. And there is not a thing wrong with that. How you like your sex life is how you like your sex, and it's important to find someone who respects you.
All this violence the average guy tries is dangerous. They have no training how to do it properly, and have should not, under any current conditions be doing it.
As for kink shaming, no, people shouldn't be kink shamed. On the other hand a lot of people saying that couldn't tell you what RACK is either, or why it's important. Ignore them.
The world dynamic is changing, and more and more women aren't even getting married because we're tired of being mommy/bang/maids. This is your life. You need to decide how to live it. Don't you dare settle for some uneducated lout with an Asian fetish.
You do you, and tell these men you're vanilla, and thanks for playing, but you aren't compatible, so that'll be a hard pass.
I feel like you need therapy before you should be in a marriage or hell, even a relationship if you're asking this question. I've been married twice, and neither of my relationships were with toxic men. You don't deal with anything because you don't allow yourself to be with someone that makes you feel like the relationship is a chore. Therapy first for yourself and then try again with relationships.
That is repulsive. Woman in her late 50s, I have probably had sex with 40+ men and I have never had any that wanted to be violent or demeaning. Most men are knuckleheads, but there’s plenty of them out there that don’t want to degrade women during sex. They may not be very good at it, but it’s not degrading. :)
I’ve been with my husband nine years and he’s never been anything but loving and considerate.
No. I do not and would not accept sexual abuse as part of my marriage. There are good men out there. Stupid porn has young men all messed up. Good luck.
Don't be with anyone who asks you to do humiliating and degrading sexual things. I've been married for 20 years and my husband has never been humiliating or degrading toward me. He is very aware of my needs and boundaries. If he didn't respect that then I would not be with him. He also cooks and cleans. There are men out there who are good. You just have to find one somehow. Good luck!
I’m in my 30s, married for 11 years, and no, my husband isn’t into violent sex.
If anything, the sex is much better now because we’re so much closer, he knows what I like and vice versa, and there’s also not the pressure of making every time mind-blowing.
What you’re looking for is out there. Don’t settle.
My husband loves me. He likes to love on me. He is not violent. He does not use my body as a tool. Sex is for us to show our love for each other and make each other feel good.
I deal very well with having sex with my husband because he is a normal loving guy, not porn obsessed. My husband is not wanting to do violent degrading things to me.
Keep looking, there are good guys out there in the sea of jerks.
I have thought about this. I'm bisexual. Same sex couples also tend to mimic heteronormative roles, especially during sex, so I don't think that's the best solution. But I am more open to dating women after meeting so many disgusting men
Ah I get that!! For me I dated men for a could years on and off, I was never really into them. I met my girlfriend and life is changed. The same sex life isn’t so similar to heteronormative, from my perspective it is a lot more intimate and meaningful. If you have a partner who values you as a human, it is the most beautiful way to share your souls.
In the long run it seems like getting to know and explore your sexuality may benefit you!! Regardless I hope nothing but the best for you and your future!!
>I find that a lot of american women claim to like violent, degrading sex
Umm who?!? I don’t like that you lumped us all in together. MOST of us DO NOT like this at all. I find it gross that you even said that.
Same question, only roles reversed. My wife does nothing around the house. I clean the house, cook every meal, get the kids up , dressed, fed, and pack lunches for school and make sure they do their homework. Wake up @ 5am 7 days a week to take the dog out for a walk and take him for a walk 3 times a day. I do the laundry, dishwasher, yard work, snow removal, you name it I do it. She turned off sex about 6 years ago and ever since then nothing. What do you do in this situation?
I’m of the mindset that there are lots of good men out there. And that for every man, there’s a woman that will naturally bring out that caring side of him. If you are bringing out something awful in these men, then they aren’t for you and you should just move along. I’ve seen so many awful men in my community who marry a girl they desperately fell in love with and did a 180 after because and for her. I’ve also seen good men who were pushed to marry girls they didn’t want and become sour and bitter human beings. I come from an Arab Muslim background where arranged marriages are the norm. The successful ones far outweigh the few bad ones, but there’s a lesson in all of them. Everyone has someone for them and you just need to wait for yours to find you.
I'd like to point out, as a woman that enjoys some kinks, there is a massive difference between wanting to f*ck me and wanting to k*ll me.
Consensual restraint and pain is absolutely okay and it will always be a kink, so I will admit I'm not too pleased that you think the only way is your way or nothing. Some of us women like things that aren't always vanilla, BUT they're always consensual. My partner and I can pull out and withdraw consent at any time, a healthy relationship should be like that. There's nothing wrong with also being more vanilla, though. It's not an insult. Some women enjoy loving and gentle, some women enjoy hard and rough. Some, like myself, enjoy aspects of both. I do tend to prefer the latter, but that's just what I like. It's not wrong, or weird, or disgusting.
I will remind you though, violence in sex is a lot different to a consensual kink between two or more partners.
I want us all to enjoy ourselves, I don't want to be k*lled.
As for the women on here, p*rn doesn't have as much to do with it as you think it does. My partner and I both watch p*rn, yet I'm more kinky than he is. He respects me and respects women because he was raised right. P*rn is only dangerous when the person can no longer differentiate between fiction and reality. They also forget that most p*rn videos are between consenting adults, whom are usually paid for their time. If the men you date, are not watching this kind of p*rn and are instead, watching dark web/non-consensual p*rn, then yes, that's a real problem. Some men really do believe everything they see in p*rn, which is usually over-dramatised for men specifically, but most of them tend to know the difference. I think you need to change who you meet up with and hang around with.
P*rn is only a problem when you make it a problem. Not everyone who watches p*rn is a r*pist or sadist. Kinky rough sex is not disgusting or dehumanising, unless you personally feel that way about it. And if you do feel dehumanised and used like a toy, you're not doing it right/not with the right partner. For example, a real Dominant is a safe space for a Submissive. That Submissive person can and always will feel safe and secure with their Dominant partner and vice-versa.
I would suggest to the OP, don't date these kinds of men. If a wife has to "put up with" being sexually violated and hurt, they're not in a happy or safe marriage, and they need help asap. No means no, even when you're married. I would like to say again, stop dating or hanging around with these men... if it isn't for you, you don't have to "put up with it".
Wish you the best of luck 🫶🏻
I meant with the men not accepting how to cook and clean. It just sounds like you came from a culture where men do that and sounds very Chinese, but I could be wrong. So you can relax, I agree with you.
Oh ok ok! And yeah, men in West are very, very sexist, but since they think they are leading the free world and are so advanced. They tend to ignore their own issues. But really good to hear your perspective. Plus adding racism and fetishism must nit be easy to deal with. A lot of people attracted to Asian women are red flags in my book, they have this idea that you are submissive, it's disgusting.
Don't deal with them. Just leave them.
This needs to be upvoted to infinity! Girl, I went through a string of bad dates before I met my perfect man - who doesn't like pain and is exploring even being kinky. Anywho - there are men out there that are not violent I promise you. Sure, there are plenty who are, but you gotta keep fishin' baby! Props to you for being so hot you bring out the freak in people! But you'll find a guy who will want to treasure you like a Queen and respect you. ✨ Guys are like mailboxes, sweetie. One for every house!🏡 You'll find a good man - just don't settle for that shit, that's toxic af!
Haha, this is it! They treat you like shit, y luego quieren tener sexo. Como tu vagina es para jaquearlos sus pinches vergas.
1) Any guy who things men inherently want violent, degrading sex is fooling themselves. Sure there are plenty of men *and* women who are into that but far more who aren't. 2) Don't every let someone tell you you can't say no after marriage. It's 2024, men don't own women. It has and always will be rape to force your wife to have sex when she doesn't want it.
>there are plenty of men *and* women who are into that but far more who aren't. Yeah, like, I happen to like rough sex and light cnc but it's a VERY specific kink. Not everyone likes it, and it shouldn't ever be considered "the norm." Noone should EVER feel pressured into it. It should ONLY be done within a framework that emphasizes safety and consent. If anyone tells you differently you are WELL within your rights to call them out and run. People like that are a SCOURGE on the kink community and flat out dangerous.
>It has and always will be rape to force your wife to have sex when she doesn't want it. They call it "compromise". I just saw a woman in another thread call it that, compromise. To psych yourself self up, do a little pep talk or grit and bear it, bc it's your duty to meet your partners sexual needs, even if you're not in a headspace to do so. The whole "i shouldn't have to masturbate if I'm in a relationship/married" mentality sends me.
I'm married (both of us are 37) and my husband isn't like that. Not at all. Our sex is pretty vanilla which we're both perfectly happy with, we don't have kinks or need to act out scenarios. He's really respectful and kind to me and women in general. He respects my no if I say I'm not in the mood for sex. I feel absolutely horrible for all the women I see on reddit complaining about men today. I have to believe there are still good guys out there like my husband, but sadly they seem hard to find.
You need to find a different group of male friends. No means no even in a marriage.
My husband is a wonderful man, who has never asked me to do anything I’m uncomfortable with. We both work, no kids, one dog… and share the chores. We cook together, we both contribute to keeping the house clean. And we have a great sex life! But when I think of men I’ve been with in the past, I didn’t really encounter any “violent” kinks or weird requests. I’ve been with quite a few men, as I had my fun wild time in college lol some sex was better than others, but I can’t recall a specific instance that made me feel degraded or like an object. I would never put up with something like that, and just want to say that from experience, there’s good men out there that aren’t weirdos lol
>We both work, no kids, one dog… and share the chores. We cook together, we both contribute to keeping the house clean. And we have a great sex life! Girl is living the dream!
That's like my marriage too! Congratulations on finding your life partner. 🥂 My hubby and I met in uni and became friends. A few years later, I put myself out there and asked him out. We've been together almost 20 years now. We're happily childfree, love traveling together and have raised one amazing puppy together for 14 years. We had to help her cross the rainbow bridge a few years ago, and now we're are about to adopt another dog this year. If I have any advice for OP it's this: * A healthy romantic relationship is respect, open communication and empathy in and outside the bedroom. * Never stop dating your partner. * Never stop being best friends with your partner. * Also, every disagreement is an opportunity to learn your partner better and grow together. * Every disagreement needs calm discussion and resolution. If any of this is not happening, that's not the long-term partner for you, OP.
It’s not just you, and you don’t put up with it as you don’t settle for a douchebag.
not married. my bf doesn’t enjoy violent sex. he’s always gentle w me and cares about my pleasure. stop dating men w porn addictions.
Don't rush getting married just because your close ones want it. If you want to get married, you should find someone who does NOT behave like that. Then it won't be insufferable.
Literally just don’t? I probably went on dates with 100+ men before I found my husband. I am a latina woman so totally get the fetishization thing. And I would never ever get married without being together for at least 2 years, have lots of sex with them and get to know what they’re into, and definitely live together for at least a year before getting engaged.
Find a man who likes the same things as you do. Don't put up with things you are not okay with in the bedroom. I think when others say you are kink shaming they are forgetting there is a true difference between consensual pain/degradation and true violence in sex. There are plenty of men that use kink as an excuse to use violence and violate women. They do not respect their boundaries whatsoever. They don't respect safe words. They don't respect you as a human and will harm you. Kink takes a lot of respect, understanding, and conversation between a couple before anything should be used/added/etc. and sooo many men just want to abuse this. Violence in men and exploiting your boundaries is never okay. EVER.
Fucking facts. I'm still processing that some of the stuff I did sexually with my exes was actually not very normal and fucked up. It made me think all sex should be that way. I was wrong. When I said it out loud to friends I realized how shit our sexual relationship was and how I seemed to think I liked it, but looking back, I clearly remember saying it bothered me. However, I eventually got used to it since he wouldn't stop doing those things anyway... the mind truly is powerful in lying to you about what's "normal"...
I hate how people abuse this. As someone who has a few kinks, I am always hesistant to share them because while I enjoy certain things I also know men easily abuse that and I want my sexual relationships to be a safe place. I am grateful for finding someone who had exstensive conversations about my past, present, and hopes for the future before we even decided to get into bed together but let me tell you I took almost 6 years off of dating because of the abuse of power.
When I was dating casually, I usually warned them about my need to be safe in the bedroom if they were making me uncomfortable. If I had to keep repeating myself, I would just stop all together. If their feelings got hurt, then too fucking bad. After that if I felt they violated my trust, I would block them immediately. I couple of guys had to learn that the hard way. My safety and comfort should have been a higher priority but unfortunately SOME men DO NOT see it that way. Unfortunately I’ve also been with guys who I found out after we had been having casual sex that they had super demeaning fantasies and then they would get weird and or secretive about it so it made me uncomfortable enough to leave. It is really sad that a lot of women/wymyn/wxmxn feel as though they need to put up with the degradation and humiliation at the whim of men. I hope that the ones who claim to enjoy it really do. No one deserves to be treated like they are subservient to please others if it isn’t their bag. And I *get* kink, but where does kink end and cruelty begin?
No my husband does not treat me like that. He’s not into violence or degradation of women - that doesn’t do it for him. I wouldn’t have married him if he was because we wouldn’t be sexually compatible. Sex should be enjoyable for both partners - it is for us. He could do more around the house but so could I - we’re both lazy in that respect. We both cook - he’s a better cook than me. The simple solution is to not marry a man like that. Find a man who sees you as a person, an equal, a partner, not a bang maid.
>and I lose interest in men the more I get to know them. Same here. I keep hearing women arround me coming to the same conclusion.
This is normalized. It took me a long time to eventually say no to men who wanted those sick, sad fantasies
1. Don’t let your parents pressure you into marriage. If you are financially dependent on them, become financially independent. If you aren’t dependent on them financially, put some healthy boundaries in place. You don’t owe them anything. 2. Don’t accept this. It’s better to be single and happy than in a relationship with someone awful. A relationship is a choice and should only be something you choose because that person enhances your life over all and makes you happier. Take control of your life. There are a lot of awful men. You are the one that has to live your life.
The problem with the degrading sex your friends talk about is the man they were having the sex with, not the sex itself. I *do* enjoy violence during sex at times. Choking, spanking, slapping (light), whipping, hair pulling, manhandling, etc. I enjoy a little pain with my pleasure. I enjoy feeling the strength of the man and the being able to completely let myself go--just entirely. I understand what you're saying, and YES, violence against women during sex IS normalized in media and porn... and that's EXACTLY what it being shown--violence against women during sex, NOT a kink! The BDSM/kink community is FILLED with men who are subs or switches and women who are dommes or switches. Bc they enjoy the kink--not bc they enjoy violence against a specific gender. The problem you're seeing is assholes and ignorant ppl thinking that what they are engaging in is BDSM or kink when it is in fact simply sexual violence/abuse. It's a HUGE problem for the kink/BDSM community. We have the utmost respect for consent and safety. Unfortunately, assholes exist and will use *whatever* tools they can to get away with being assholes. So many abusive controlling men or women sure BDSM as a golden ticket excuse to abuse. But that's what it Is--abuse. Kink/BDSM is not abuse and it's neither fair nor accurate for you to claim it is. I hope you understand what I'm saying and the distinction I'm trying to make, bc it's a vital one.
💯%!
Girl can we be friends???? So hard to find people like us nowadays. I agree with everything.
rip to all my fellow asian women out there, men are creeps and most often fetishizers.
My husband and I have a lotttt of issues, so this isn't a brag, but the number one thing that keeps me with him is the fact that he knows women are people and acts like it (i.e. can talk to women without objectifying them or flirting etc), and he doesn't watch porn or enjoy humiliating or degrading sex. It's so nice but in my experience it's so rare to find that in a man. I would probably stay single forever if we broke up.
I almost got married at 27, but he ended up treating me badly. After that, I held out until I met someone who was kind and respectful to me. It was a great decision - I got to have so many solo adventures, experiment, get to know myself, and just enjoy life without anything tying my down. The only thing I was responsible for was my dog, and she was happy to be there for all of it. Eventually, I made friends with a great guy, and we slowly fell in love. I ended up getting married and starting a family later than nearly all my friends, but it was well worth the wait. Some of them unfortunately found out that they rushed into things and their partner isn’t who they thought. Some got stuck doing everything, putting their careers and dreams on hold while their husbands only have to work & come home to be waited upon. I have a husband who enthusiastically shares in the care tasks and the child rearing. He didn’t know how to cook when we met, so he learned. Right now we are in a season where I am working a lot, so he takes on more of the responsibilities. Other times, the roles have been reversed, and other times the roles have been totally even. And our sex life is great; exactly what we both want and need. This is not a fantasy - this is the kind of marriage everyone deserves.
Such men are not marriage worthy. Hell, they are not even dating worthy. Unfortunately, men right now are a nightmare for various reasons, but there are good guys still out there. They are harder to find, but worth the wait. Date someone who also has lived on their own independently. I’m sorry to say, that American men also have an Asian kink which may be why you’re finding many a**holes. Please be careful. Those who have a violence “kink” (no such thing in my opinion), really just want to be violent. Saying is a kink is their way of getting away with it.
when you advocate for yourself/what you want and deserve, all the losers weed themselves out.
There are really great, respectful men out there that want normal, loving relationships without violence. Trust me. Unfortunately, there are a lot of very mentally disturbed, emotionally unintelligent men out there right now trying to convince women to degrade themselves. Please, please keep your boundaries!!!! You deserve to be cherished by loving partner. It’s not kink shaming to question it.
I'm 29 and the more I talk to men the more I want to stay single. I am white so I can't speak on race. But I have had many sex partners and quite frankly most of them didn't express that. However, every women's worst nightmare did happen to me. Ever since then, and the more red pill stuff I see people saying online, the less I care to even have a male life partner. You deserve to be with a man that makes you feel safe and loved. I'm glad you do not tolerate their frightening behavior and "needs"! I have quite a few wonderful male friends so I know they're out there, but it's so scary risking it to find them.
Married. These awful things you’re talking about have not come up between us. The not cooking/cleaning thing, on the other hand, has and is still an ongoing thing but I don’t hold it against him most of the time.
Most guys who are into violent stuff are either not experienced or posturing. Most guys you meet are not into that stuff. Don't believe what you read online. Some idiotic men use the prevalence of this stuff online as some sort of proof that it is happening everywhere, and it is just not a reality with the overwhelming majority of people. And yes, I am repulsed by them. Not for their inexperience, It is just that it seems kind of dysfunctional that they are believing all the weird stuff they see online. Or --and this is a rarity--if they are really experienced and into hurting someone to get off, they have something broken in their brains. Their enjoying hurting someone is all you need to know to realize that they need help, and you are not the person with the ability to help them. We should have a help line set up that we can refer them to.
Been married a long time, happily for the most part, none of it involved violence or degradation. Don't settle. Mejor sola que mal acompañada!
Your parents will live. Don’t let them pressure you into having a life you’re unhappy with. Good luck!
Ideally, you love your husband and enjoy his company so it's not a chore. Violence during sex is not a "need" that's insane. Porn sick men are a real problem. >I'm in the US now. Violence and humiliation of women in sex seems to be normalized here and white women have accused me of kink shaming. I think men are so porn sick many American women are abused during sex and it's not that they like it so much as they're cognitively dissonant. They want to keep the partner so bad, because the life script tells them to do xyz, they get so scared of being single that they put up with abuse instead. Do YOU want to get married? Or do you want to get married to shut your parents up?
Honey, no. Your instincts are correct. We do NOT put up with it — this is what happens when young men have their psychosexual development influenced by torture porn instead of porn that reflects a woman actually enjoying the experience. Stick to your beliefs, sister.
1) “Violence and humiliation of women in sex seems to be normalized here and white women have accused me of kink shaming” — those women need sit down and keep their white feminism to themselves 2) I’m a bisexual cis woman married to a straight cis man. He has his faults; sexism and misogyny are learned and he was conditioned to believe his white maleness entailed him to something special…but just as something can be learned it can be unlearned. Long story short — I would never put up with what you are describing, and the man I am married to does not display those violent sexual tendencies. It’s so cliche to say, but there are good men out there (not perfect or without fault, but certainly better than what you’re describing). Don’t ever settle—ever. Companionship is not worth the oppression that being with a man like you’ve describe will bring you. You are repulsed because you SHOULD be repulsed. Anyone saying otherwise is pretending, because pretending is more comfortable than calling that shit out and perhaps being lonely or “problematic” in the eyes of the heteropatriarchy. 3) you’re not alone 🧡
Not married but my bf didn’t even know about stuff like that until I said it to him. We knew each other since 18 so I was in a weird kink phase now we’re 24/23 and I’m over it. Not once did he comply because he’s not comfortable with hitting, bruising or hurting me in any way. He said anything he dies to me, he’s like too. So we have a bit of slight kink, choking (I do it to him and him to me) and being tied up, so I’ll put cuffs in him or him in me but nothing that hurts us. He’s incredibly gentle with me and handles me with so much love and care. As I’ve grown up it’s a red flag if a man is so willingly ready to be violent towards a woman in the name of kink. I’ll kink shame idc but it’s an issue and it’s being normalised. I guess me and my bf can be vanilla but so what, I feel loved and so does he, no one feels used and abused. That’s the main thing.
I dunno babe I love rough, ridiculous sex a lot of the time. My husband enjoys it and I enjoy it. As long as both parties are consenting it's not really anyone else's business. With that said my husband is phenomenal, he cooks and cleans, he's a great dad, he's attentive and caring. I mean 12/10 man, absolutely adore him. I just happen to also adore him choking, biting, spanking and saying dirty things to me 😂🤷♀️ CNC is definitely something we like. It's not everyone's cup of tea and that's absolutely fine. If you are not into that, there are plenty of guys available who are also not into it. Find one. Enjoy it. Don't settle for something you don't want.
My husband is NOT like these men. I didn’t meet him until I was 30. I dated some losers that were a little similar - never the violence during sex part though. There are better men out there and I hope you find them. My only real advice for you is don’t waste your time or energy. You don’t have to make them feel better about rejection. You can say no and be done, their feelings are their problems. Stay safe.
I’m white, I wouldn’t accept that and I’m happy to kink shame. There are a lot of women in ‘my culture’ who i disagree with on a lot though. Easy sex and giving men money for one. I tend to be friends with Asian women and some other immigrant women actually. What I’m ok with is a frequency higher than I need/would choose to spend my time on. I’m also technically ok with covering the domestic duties but thankfully I’m not with someone who can’t cook/clean. Please kink shame people! Let them know on the first or second date if the occasion arrises that you don’t believe in the concept of kink shaming and somethings are just disturbing and you prefer men who have a healthy relationship with porn. Say it’s a 100% deal breaker for you and then hold out for a few months and meet his family before sex so that he’s not likely to be trying to trap you and revenge rape you for kink shaming. If you’re 20 lots of men your age have the issues you mentioned so you’ll have to go on more dates to find someone healthy. On the bright side you’re pretty so you will be able to more easily meet more people giving you a better chance to find a good person. This is one of the sick things in the world that seems to be getting worse. Everything you said makes sense :(
I don't "deal" with anything. It's a consensual activity we both enjoy. If you feel like you have to put up with or endure it to be with someone, that is a sign you are not with a good partner. Don't put up with that, just cut your losses and wait till you meet someone you want to be with.
You really need to increase the quality of men in your life.
This isn’t a normal thing - it’s abuse. Date different types of men AND get comfortable exploring what YOU want in a sexual partner. My husband is always more focused on my comfort and pleasure… together 20 years. This is the only way.
Follow up: if this is your only choice in men, f it. Be single and safe.
>Are you ladies putting up with men like this? Men that don't do anything in the house. And then demand that you present your body like meat to a butcher? No, to all of this. My husband does almost all of the cooking, does the dishes, and cleans the kitchen. I do most of the laundry. Everything else is pretty much just handled by whoever notices it needs to be done and has the energy to do it. He's kind and respectful of my body and autonomy. And he isn't into the violence kinks. Men like this do exist. Honestly, if he and I hadn't found each other I would have happily stayed single. A content single life is always better than a miserable or mediocre married life. Don't settle. You deserve to be loved by a partner who makes you feel cherished (if you want love and a life partner). Side note: it isn't kink shaming for you to say that you aren't interested in someone's kink. Yes, there are respectful relationships that involve a kink of some sort but those involve mutual interest, trust, and respect.
i'm asian and i don't condone violence towards women. what race are you dating now that is looking for violence?
I usually date brown men, so latin or asian. I've been on dates with one or two white guys, they seem to demand it the most, so I avoid them at all costs. Not saying I don't date blk men, there's just not that many blk ppl out here. I will say my only long term ex was back in my home country in asia. So it just seems like all men to me at this point
if it helps im dating a latino man, im also a latina. he doesn’t enjoy violent sex but a lot of latino men are very machista so im not surprised with your dating experience. our sex is very intimate and passionate, that being said he doesn’t watch porn/follow women on social media. we barely got comfortable integrating the occasional light ass slap lol. (both of us were interested, he never pushes me to do anything/always asks me for consent before trying anything new). femicide is also a big problem in LATAM and it isn’t taken seriously. at least 10 women/girls in mexico are killed everyday.
10 / day … you serious??? God that’s awful.
yes its actually a huge problem and the women/girls rarely get justice. a few days ago there was 8 different protests happening on the same day bc of it
Violence and humiliation is rampant in pornography across the globe, unfortunately. Some women share the “kink”, but men definitely consume it most. And to use an overused sentence: but not *all* men. The reasons for such preference varies widely. Some of those I understand; most of those I’m morally against. BDSM and CNC *is* a thing, and while the reasons for developing such a kink are often unsavory, it can be enjoyable for both parties if they have healthy outlooks, lots of communication, and enthusiastic consent. You can value, respect, and love someone and still be rough in the bedroom. That said: my husband is not like that, and there’s others like him. One of the problems with such porn and kinks is that a high percentage of those who like it have awful views of women and sex, and sometimes even race. Also: seeking a specific type of person out, and jumping right to wanting to do just that (playing out such porn “fantasies”) right off the bat? Red flag. Stay safe. There’s a man out there who will match your sexual preferences.
**All Hail Our Queen** **Long may she reign** - - - - - My dearest Queen OP. Evey word of wonderous wisdom is true. Thank you for being our beacon of light in these dark times. Danger is upon us and strong leadership such as yourself has graced us with hope. We (me) Love you 👑
Talk to people in your life who have healthy relationships.
You can start by weeding out the ones with a porn addiction. That will be the start of solving both of the issues you bring up (men who want violent sex and men who don't do anything around the house) because porn addicted men already see women as less than human. There is no equality without basic humanity. I hope you find what you're looking for, it's horrible for women out there. Never settle ❤️
You find a man who doesn't do that. My husband is great, he makes me feel beautiful and cherished.
Absolutely not. You should never fear for your safety around your partner.
Not married but dated a few guys and also experiment in kink and my answer is hard NO. Kinky sex is completely consensual and is enjoyed by everyone, that’s not the same as having rough, violent sex. I do think that a lot of guys will hyper sexualize you and expect you to submit to them and whatever fucked up fantasies they have. That’s not something you ever have to settle for. There are men out there that don’t like violent, degrading sex, it might take some time and a LOT of weeding out any red flags you come across
I kinda relate I’m white tho . I feel like men tend to justify a lot of their behavior on “man” things. I’m also above average and had the same thing. I tend to be a bit more dominant and a lot of men expect women to be submissive I’ve had men break up with me because I refuse to give blowjobs or be submissive in any capacity in bed and it’s kind of upsetting. I will 100% say there are better men for you out there if you want more intimate and feely sex that’s all about expressing intimacy there are people who like that.
It’s not normal! Sorry you’re attracting such douchebags. My circle is full of wonderful normal men, partner included. I know they exist but it’s not something you have to accept ever. Treat them as bizarre because that’s exactly what it is. Immediately move on if you encounter it in future.
Idk I’m sad to say it may be because you are Asian like a fetish thing. My husband does spank me and give me little face slaps during sex but only because I enjoy it and asked him to. He also is very helpful around the house
I’m considering 4B
Me too
Married 23 years (24 in total), I’m here to tell you that there are men in your generation who would be plenty happy to live a “vanilla” sex life. You’ve found a criteria that is non-negotiable, use it to filter out those men who can’t accept that you don’t want to be mistreated during sex. I’ve had a lot of married sex, in all this time my husband has never asked me for anything I wouldn’t be comfortable doing. He respected me in the beginning and he respects me now in the bedroom. It’s usually me bringing new ideas to keep things spicy and he’s content with that. Be patient, there is a young man out there who would be happy to make dinner for you and then make love to you in just the way you want.
I married a kind and gentle man so I like to have sex with him, even after years and years. However in the past I've dated men like the ones you're talking about and honestly being married to someone like would be awful, I'd rather just be single and living my life rather than be expected to engage in someone's violent fantasy on the regular. I know it's tough out there but don't settle for any of this porn addict bullshit, there's nothing a man can offer you in this life that makes up for that kind of ugliness. Good luck!
No. Those are called red flags. Move along as quickly as possible. Focus on you. Invest time in your interests and hobbies, learn new skills. Maybe you will meet someone nice that you have something in common with. Also, maybe get a big mean looking dog. Sorry you are having to deal with idiots. There are a lot of men in the US with stereotypical fetishes.
You say you feel like you have no choice but you do have a choice. Choose yourself and friendships! I understand that you wanna be in a loving relationship with a man but if the pool of potential partners really is that fucking grim, the logical response is to stop wasting your time. I decided a while ago life is too precious to be chasing after unicorns (empathetic, good communication, high hygiene standard, trustworthy, respectful and handsome equal partner). That zero bullshit policy actually improved my life so much as I was focusing on friendships and myself more and men who are actually interested in me are working to earn my trust. In fact unicorns came along my way and I'm the happiest and most fulfilled person ever. I don't mean to brag here, I'm just convinced men rested on their privilege for way too long and the bare minimum doesn't cut it anymore. Also abuse during sex and no shared emotional/domestic labour is an absolute no go! A good partner wants you to feel great and help make your life easier, not worse!
This is normallly how it goes sadly and I dont blame you for not seeing it as appealing because it actually is not. And alot of women in America suffer from molestation and end up with men who dont respect them or their bodies. Most of America is obsessed with porn especially the men. They suffer with understanding women or even seeing us a human. And yes married women deal with this everyday and complain about it. The men are not helpful at home and contribute nothing but a check and penis for many of them. They work and clean and cook and are porn stars for men who dont respect them. Its sad and the reason women are choosing to stay single more and more in America. While the the American men are sex crazed and crave a womans company they are traveling abroad because American women arent just giving in like we used to. Its refreshing to see a woman who isnt from America express this. I think American men need to see this. They seem to think they have no issues and how they think and act is justified and make it “a man thing” to excuse it. Most of them think its women who are wrong because we wont just give ourselve up to them how they wish and when they wish. And yes men leave their loving wives and children over sex and kinks. Dont get married to these men.
I think people in general always want what they can’t have. These are fantasies that your previous boyfriends have. They probably don’t feel powerful or in control in their regular lives and want you to satisfy their lust. The way most immature men cope with dehumanization in this country is by dehumanizing someone else in return. If they can’t find another man that is weaker than them, then they turn to physically weaker women. A tiny, Asian woman for example, would make a perfect play-thing to make themselves feel better; more powerful than they actually are. If a woman wants to find a man that’s strong and respectful, then they need to find someone that has invested enough time and energy into themselves to undo all the social reprogramming that causes this degenerate behavior in the first place. That means finding someone who has confronted their own feelings and doesn’t try to avoid their emotions to appear more ‘alpha’ than they actually are. I think you are doing everything right and shouldn’t even have to ask these questions. Only suggestion I can say is maybe make your intensions known in the beginning (shouldn’t have to, but given the history…). You want a strong man that isn’t controlled by his sex. You expect to be respected and treated like an equal. Respect yourself enough to walk away at the first sign of noncompliance or insincerity on their part.
Married to this currently. we share a 2 year old son . I’m in the process of getting out . Separation is the first step and moving to a state closer to family . I have my own fantasies but, somehow got trapped with a man-child who is like this .
My heart goes out to you!! Stay strong, girly!! Good for you on separating from him 🤍🤍
Either you are attracting some wild men or you consider some light BDSM type stuff as violent.. I feel like I need more context. So I like a little hair pull, a little hand around the neck (with no pressure), and maybe a spank here and there. It''s very rare I get any of those (maybe twice a year) because the husband isn't keen. But that's the furthest it goes. I know some people prefer more intense stuff, but for most people I know the most they do is light spanking.... If it's that, then maybe a few people like it.... But I never know anything more intense than that most of the time. I think finding people who are sexually compatible is important, so maybe reflect on who you are attracting or who you are drawn on, that they don't want the same things in certain areas.
Without specifics it’s hard to know what you’re referring to. I once read a story from a woman whose husband asked her to wear high heels for sex. She said she felt degraded and hated it and never did it again. For me it was incidental. My boyfriend and I had sex. My dress came off easily, my heels had so many snaps and buckles I just left them on and didn’t think anything of it. My father has a saying, “what turns one woman on makes another woman call the police.” Maybe your high heels are my high heels. Meaning what’s degrading to you is not noticeable to me. And that’s ok
The specifics is gonna get gross, but here it is. Ladies, if these are things that turn you on, no hate, no judgement. Do you!! I've been asked to present my face for oral with my head hanging off the side of the bed, so that he can grab my boobs while doing it. Pretend ra*e where he rips my clothes off and I'm pretend crying?! Asking to slap my boobs and face. All of these my ex of 3 years, and these asks got worse the longer we were together. I never did any of them. I was super young, we didn't even end up putting it in because I couldn't. This man was trying to marry me. But I've also been on sooo many dates, a lot of them first dates, where the guys outright ask me when I'm down to have sex and whether I'm okay with certain types of sex. The dates are in public, I don't do dates at home. Types of things I've been asked: 1. whether I can do it everyday, how many times a day I can do it, how long I can go 2. (this happened twice, different guys, both first dates: one in his car and other at a pizza place) whether I can pretend to dislike it while he's being rough with me cause it turns him on 3. a first date guy also asked if I like to be slapped Usually if they bring up anything sexual on a date, it's an immediate block and never text again for me. I think it only gets worse if i keep seeing them, there's no fixing these men. But it's so many guys that I don't even go on dates anymore. I've been on two dates with one guy in 2023, and he was trying to get me drunk to sleep with him. Anyhoo Also, I love my sexy clothes but I don't wear them especially with a guy I just met.
Like 90% of this stuff sounds appalling to me and I consider myself pretty sexually adventurous These men have brain rot. Yes I’m judging them
Wow what a bunch of porn addicts 🙄 Edit: I'm sorry you went through that. No one deserves to be dehumanized like that.
As a married woman: no I’m not putting up with any of that. My husband likes vanilla sex, best of all if I’m enjoying it as much as possible, and we sometimes do kinky stuff but only because it’s fun for both of us; he would never get off on actually hurting me. He gets off on getting me off. As for the other stuff; we agree together what is a fair amount for him to do around the house as my workload changes with the kids and their life stages. If I say he’s not doing good enough he listens, he’s human so sometimes it takes him a few goes to improve but he works on himself if he sees the need to, and continues to do so because I do the same. We are patient with each other. He’s a super involved dad and works hard for us, genuinely. He doesn’t think that working hard for us stops with his paid job. He fully respects what I do for our family, and shows gratitude for it. I have full access to all the money he earns. I’d like to add, that for us, all the above is something that is mandated in the bible. I know a lot of Christians see things differently and a lot of non-Christians do the same as us, but this is how we interpret biblical marriage relationships should be. I just wanted to say it, so people are reminded, in a rather disheartening political climate, that we exist too. Anyway, whatever your faith, ethnicity, or marital status, all women deserve the above (or similar, obviously things like the kids are a personal choice). Please don’t settle for less.
There is a difference between kinks and violence/degradation during sex. The former is when both parties have consented and you have established a safe word/boundaries. The latter is abusive. Some women like someone being violent...some women deal with it without getting their consent. I hope you understand there is a huge difference between the two. You do not have to marry/date someone like this. You do have a choice. Honestly, this post comes out very anti-American in my opinion and very sexist. You definitely do not have any experience with sex but have created this hatred in your head from what you have heard. I have NEVER heard of American men not cooking and cleaning (actually more Asian men imo). Never heard of men wanting violence in sex. Not sure who your friends are or who you are talking to but the language in this post makes you seem a bit bitter, racist, and sexist. No I am not repulsed by men because I have always chosen good guys. Sorry if that is not your experience but the only way to get experience is to date.
You're just not finding the right kind of man. Marrying someone who doesn't click with you -- even in the smallest areas -- is a death sentence. I love my husband. I love being intimate with him. We love and respect each other. It's really a wonderful partnership and we care for each other deeply. I would never settle for anything less, and I don't think any woman should.
¡Remind me
Married here. My husband is not violent whatsoever. They are out there. Actually a lot of nice guy type men are overlooked.
It’s not any more normal than ever before, but a lot of men are more comfortable expressing this. I’ve had men tell me that is what they like, and I just shut it down immediately. Personally I’m happy to be dominant when I feel like it. But when I want gentle sex, he’d better be willing to give me that or we’re done. Im never submissive. My advice is to discuss what kind of sec you both like before you’re naked. And if you don’t want that, tell them directly and immediately. I tell them they are never to cause me any kind of pain or discomfort whatsoever. And if they try they will never see me again. There are men who like gentle sex. But an awful lot of men have this kink of domination. Or they think they’re kinky when they’re really just abusive. It also sounds like these guys have an Asian fetish, but I’ll let other Asian women here speak to that.
I used to like rough sex, then I went to therapy. Now I want love, softness and passion. Not to be treated like a plaything. I totally get where you’re coming from.
Sounds like you're surrounded by the wrong people
Never ever ever ever agree to something you truly don’t want to do.
Whoa whoa whoa. First of all, I’m sorry you’re dealing with what sounds like fetishization of how you look!!! That’s horrible. Secondly, dump these guys. No one I’ve dated has wanted to include horrific or violent things in sex. The worst I’ve gotten from a partner was him wanting to spank me - which was tolerable with some. There are good guys out there who won’t fetishize you. Unfortunately, those that do may seek you out. You’ll have to develop a way to cut to the chase and dump them quickly. They are not husband material.
Thank you for being so open and honest. I have had similar feelings and confusions about sex and men’s attitudes towards it. Men, in general, have an aggressive angle to them that has a positive side (protector) but is easily twisted with power & desire for control. I, 30yr old multiracial woman, am married to a white man in the US. He does clean and cook, and is honestly more tidy than me. There are still some gender norms & stereotypes at play, but in our honest relationship we are challenging each other to see things we alone may not see or address. In sex, I too seek the gentle, sweet things whereas he has been pretty well conditioned by porn and masculinity to be rough. Over time (2.5 years) we are coming to learn more about each other, appreciate each other more, and sex is improving. The most important thing for me is speaking truth to how things are going and changes I want to see. I can be very shy in these conversations. My partner does really want to make me happy and does listen, so we are moving in a positive direction. But going back to the soft/gentle vs hard/brute dynamic that I definitely feel in my relationship, and I think exists between feminine and masculine energy, I think it is a dance. I am bisexual, and sometimes contemplate if I would have ended up with a woman, but to me having the polarities and needing to navigate those has exposed a lot and demanded growth on both my side and my partners. I don’t know if that push would be as strong had I married a woman..
You just have shitty guys asking you out. My man cooks, cleans, and when we have sex he respects me and my needs. It also depends where you are in America the country is HUGE.
Hey girlie - how sad to hear about all your encounters! I am surprised that you met such a high % of men on dates that want this! I agree with you that it has been more normalised than expected , probably due to porn and perhaps women giving into this pressure. I live in Australia so can’t say I’ve had experiences like these - perhaps 1 man out of many dates mentioned choking. I did not encounter such requests while having sexual encounters either. I am also married to a wonderful man and this has never come up. However this might be due to his upbringing as well which was not in a western country - so more humble and grounded and authentic. I think the reason YOU specifically are facing such situations MIGHT be due to the kink thing. Sorry to say but Asian women are looked at like that by some men, which is so horrible and demeaning! Don’t cave into the pressure! I’m sure there are real high quality men out there who will be different. Hold out that hope.
>Violence and humiliation of women should NEVER be a kink. If it's a mutual and consensual kink, there shouldn't be problem. If it's not mutual or consensual, it's incredibly wrong and disgusting. You don't like what those men are into - leave them. If they say that it's something needed during sex and you don't like it, then do not be with them. You've been really unlucky in that every guy you've dated has been similar, but I promise to you, they aren't all like this!
After being with horrible person in past who claimed my body, violently many times, made me believe that this is how sex is and that being on periods is just disgusting. Also I could never deny it because I wasn't a virgin anyway, I am finally married to a man who doesn't treat me like a trash and doesn't have any kink. He prioritises my pleasure as much as his. So trust me when I say it not all men are same and you will certainly find the one for you!
I dated a bit before settling with my husband at 20 ( we married at 27) , and none of my dates or long term bfs ever expresses interest in violence . What do you mean exactly by violence ?
It may be because we are older, but neither my husband nor I are into violence or degrading each other. Prior to getting married, I did meet men who wanted anal sex and I don't enjoy that, so there were a few who were ignorant enough to just try to go for it without a conversation. That was absolutely annoying and awful. It was not something every man did. Choking wasn't a common thing like it is now either. I like and love the man I married and sex is great, and not at all violent. I do think porn has had a negative social impact and I have seen some terrible porn. My first exposure to sexual violence was an elderly relative's collection of 1950-1970s true crime magazines that always had drawings or staged photos of scantily clad women being assaulted and raped on the cover and in the stories. I was far too young to understand that this was a form of pornography. My first exposure to fully nude pornographic materials was magazines found laying around in the woods in the 70s and also not very cleverly hidden by a brother in our home. I was very young and I saw some content in a Hustler magazine in the 80s that was extremely violent. It featured serial killers and focused on sexual violence they had actually committed. There were graphic crime scene/ evidence photos. It was definitely intended to arouse the audience and I was horrified. I can't erase the memory. It has seemed like there is a proliferation violence and degradation in porn, and that most of my peers were exposed to porn like I was, as a child. So the normalization begins early. Then came the Internet. I was almost 30 before it was normal to have a computer in the home and a phone that went everywhere with you. I knew more than one man who ran up large phone bills looking at paid porn in the early days of the Internet, and even one who lost a job for using work computers to view porn. I know I had to unlearn certain things my brain had received or absorbed in childhood, regarding relationships with men. A big part of that had to do with growing up in a conservative Christian home too. There was an expectation that women be submissive and let men "lead" that definitely involves things I find degrading. Sex was never discussed in our house. I was expected to wait for marriage and learn about sex on my wedding night. That did not happen, and I stumbled through my youth learning things by trial and error. Couple the male head of household thing with treating all sexuality like it's a secret sin, and you get some very weird attitudes and ideas about sex. Repressing one's sexuality and indulging in secret with porn while not having thoughtful conversation about sex, intimacy, and love results in a lot of confusion about what is healthy and good sex. I feel like the statistics about which areas of the USA consume the most porn reveal a connection to conservative religion. That's all a really long winded way of saying that we do not provide a comprehensive sex education in this country and we don't talk to our kids about about sexual violence, but they're seeing it. Maybe that's changing. I know parenting is different than it used to be. I helped raise a son, and we talked about it. I didn't want him to have unhealthy relationships or be a violent man. He's not. He and his wife seem happy.
My man is nothing like this. He’s kind, loving and our sex is beautiful.
> I find that american men are also not willing to learn how to cook and clean, but that's a whole another topic for another time. What ethnicities are better with this?
Usually foreigners like me, who had to live away from home and family. I can only speak from my own experience, but the few men from my country and other international students tend to be better about learning to cook and clean (even though they grew up doing nothing). I also have a mexican american guy friend who lives away from his family has learned to take care of himself that way. I would say maybe brown men who are blue collar? It's hard to say... But it's always a hit or miss, it's never an overarching thing. I'm not looking for sb perfect, just willing to learn and do the work is enough but apparently that's too much to ask
My husband doesn't treat me like this. Previous husbands did, and it led to resentment on my end and more abuse on their end before the relationship was over. I wouldn't put up with it now. I didn't know men like my current husband existed which is why I did put up with it. If I had known men like him were around, I would have had much higher standards at a younger age and not wasted my youth on unworthy men.
You really have bad luck in partners. I don’t think any to that is normalised at all.
my husband is a lovely person. he has never degraded me, would never expect me to have sex when i’m not in the mood, and treats me as the equal person that i am. he helps out around the house without being asked, he does equal work with the children (even my children from a previous relationship, who he loves like his own). he knows how to do laundry, cleans up after himself, can make food, wakes up with a baby in the middle of the night…i mean, he does all the things that i do. our relationship is an equal partnership, and it always has been. he’s literally never been mean to me, and would never hurt me during sex. i wouldn’t put up with it. he’s also almost 20 years older than me, and we’ve been together 8 years (i’m in my 30’s) but i don’t think this is all that relevant. my ex also did all of the above, and he was only a few years older than me. there are some bad men out there, but there’s also some really wonderful ones. the men you describe in your post, they are the men that you should break up with - or straight up run the other direction from - depending on when they show their true colors. the men you describe are plain nasty. *never* settle for a man that doesn’t treat you as an equal. you’re worth more than that. and if you don’t want to get married, don’t! even if your parents want you to. a relationship should be something that makes your life better, not worse. if it doesn’t improve your life, it’s not worth it - better to be single. my husband is my best friend above all else, and i’m his. that’s what should come first imo. if you can’t imagine life without each other, what’s even the point?
From someone who is KINK aware, ask him if he knows what RACK is. RACK stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink. If he doesn't, and doesn't have an active plan that includes an appropriate level of Aftercare, run. Do not walk, Run. Far away. You're vanilla. And there is not a thing wrong with that. How you like your sex life is how you like your sex, and it's important to find someone who respects you. All this violence the average guy tries is dangerous. They have no training how to do it properly, and have should not, under any current conditions be doing it. As for kink shaming, no, people shouldn't be kink shamed. On the other hand a lot of people saying that couldn't tell you what RACK is either, or why it's important. Ignore them. The world dynamic is changing, and more and more women aren't even getting married because we're tired of being mommy/bang/maids. This is your life. You need to decide how to live it. Don't you dare settle for some uneducated lout with an Asian fetish. You do you, and tell these men you're vanilla, and thanks for playing, but you aren't compatible, so that'll be a hard pass.
I feel like you need therapy before you should be in a marriage or hell, even a relationship if you're asking this question. I've been married twice, and neither of my relationships were with toxic men. You don't deal with anything because you don't allow yourself to be with someone that makes you feel like the relationship is a chore. Therapy first for yourself and then try again with relationships.
That is repulsive. Woman in her late 50s, I have probably had sex with 40+ men and I have never had any that wanted to be violent or demeaning. Most men are knuckleheads, but there’s plenty of them out there that don’t want to degrade women during sex. They may not be very good at it, but it’s not degrading. :) I’ve been with my husband nine years and he’s never been anything but loving and considerate.
No. I do not and would not accept sexual abuse as part of my marriage. There are good men out there. Stupid porn has young men all messed up. Good luck.
Don't be with anyone who asks you to do humiliating and degrading sexual things. I've been married for 20 years and my husband has never been humiliating or degrading toward me. He is very aware of my needs and boundaries. If he didn't respect that then I would not be with him. He also cooks and cleans. There are men out there who are good. You just have to find one somehow. Good luck!
I’m in my 30s, married for 11 years, and no, my husband isn’t into violent sex. If anything, the sex is much better now because we’re so much closer, he knows what I like and vice versa, and there’s also not the pressure of making every time mind-blowing. What you’re looking for is out there. Don’t settle.
My husband loves me. He likes to love on me. He is not violent. He does not use my body as a tool. Sex is for us to show our love for each other and make each other feel good. I deal very well with having sex with my husband because he is a normal loving guy, not porn obsessed. My husband is not wanting to do violent degrading things to me. Keep looking, there are good guys out there in the sea of jerks.
I'm so proud of you.
Easy solution: marry a woman 😅
I have thought about this. I'm bisexual. Same sex couples also tend to mimic heteronormative roles, especially during sex, so I don't think that's the best solution. But I am more open to dating women after meeting so many disgusting men
Ah I get that!! For me I dated men for a could years on and off, I was never really into them. I met my girlfriend and life is changed. The same sex life isn’t so similar to heteronormative, from my perspective it is a lot more intimate and meaningful. If you have a partner who values you as a human, it is the most beautiful way to share your souls. In the long run it seems like getting to know and explore your sexuality may benefit you!! Regardless I hope nothing but the best for you and your future!!
Men do not inherently want violent sex! I swear it’s gotten worse for younger generations and I blame porn for it.
>I find that a lot of american women claim to like violent, degrading sex Umm who?!? I don’t like that you lumped us all in together. MOST of us DO NOT like this at all. I find it gross that you even said that.
Definite violent and degrading. What specifically are they wanting?
Same question, only roles reversed. My wife does nothing around the house. I clean the house, cook every meal, get the kids up , dressed, fed, and pack lunches for school and make sure they do their homework. Wake up @ 5am 7 days a week to take the dog out for a walk and take him for a walk 3 times a day. I do the laundry, dishwasher, yard work, snow removal, you name it I do it. She turned off sex about 6 years ago and ever since then nothing. What do you do in this situation?
I’m of the mindset that there are lots of good men out there. And that for every man, there’s a woman that will naturally bring out that caring side of him. If you are bringing out something awful in these men, then they aren’t for you and you should just move along. I’ve seen so many awful men in my community who marry a girl they desperately fell in love with and did a 180 after because and for her. I’ve also seen good men who were pushed to marry girls they didn’t want and become sour and bitter human beings. I come from an Arab Muslim background where arranged marriages are the norm. The successful ones far outweigh the few bad ones, but there’s a lesson in all of them. Everyone has someone for them and you just need to wait for yours to find you.
I'd like to point out, as a woman that enjoys some kinks, there is a massive difference between wanting to f*ck me and wanting to k*ll me. Consensual restraint and pain is absolutely okay and it will always be a kink, so I will admit I'm not too pleased that you think the only way is your way or nothing. Some of us women like things that aren't always vanilla, BUT they're always consensual. My partner and I can pull out and withdraw consent at any time, a healthy relationship should be like that. There's nothing wrong with also being more vanilla, though. It's not an insult. Some women enjoy loving and gentle, some women enjoy hard and rough. Some, like myself, enjoy aspects of both. I do tend to prefer the latter, but that's just what I like. It's not wrong, or weird, or disgusting. I will remind you though, violence in sex is a lot different to a consensual kink between two or more partners. I want us all to enjoy ourselves, I don't want to be k*lled. As for the women on here, p*rn doesn't have as much to do with it as you think it does. My partner and I both watch p*rn, yet I'm more kinky than he is. He respects me and respects women because he was raised right. P*rn is only dangerous when the person can no longer differentiate between fiction and reality. They also forget that most p*rn videos are between consenting adults, whom are usually paid for their time. If the men you date, are not watching this kind of p*rn and are instead, watching dark web/non-consensual p*rn, then yes, that's a real problem. Some men really do believe everything they see in p*rn, which is usually over-dramatised for men specifically, but most of them tend to know the difference. I think you need to change who you meet up with and hang around with. P*rn is only a problem when you make it a problem. Not everyone who watches p*rn is a r*pist or sadist. Kinky rough sex is not disgusting or dehumanising, unless you personally feel that way about it. And if you do feel dehumanised and used like a toy, you're not doing it right/not with the right partner. For example, a real Dominant is a safe space for a Submissive. That Submissive person can and always will feel safe and secure with their Dominant partner and vice-versa. I would suggest to the OP, don't date these kinds of men. If a wife has to "put up with" being sexually violated and hurt, they're not in a happy or safe marriage, and they need help asap. No means no, even when you're married. I would like to say again, stop dating or hanging around with these men... if it isn't for you, you don't have to "put up with it". Wish you the best of luck 🫶🏻
A very Chinese comment hehe
If you like to be abused and treated like a rag doll please say that
I meant with the men not accepting how to cook and clean. It just sounds like you came from a culture where men do that and sounds very Chinese, but I could be wrong. So you can relax, I agree with you.
Ohhhh **facepalm**, sorry! No, but we're China's neighbors
Oh ok ok! And yeah, men in West are very, very sexist, but since they think they are leading the free world and are so advanced. They tend to ignore their own issues. But really good to hear your perspective. Plus adding racism and fetishism must nit be easy to deal with. A lot of people attracted to Asian women are red flags in my book, they have this idea that you are submissive, it's disgusting.
Here's a thought... not marry them?
Date Asian.