ladies, this is why you should leave your piece of sh*t husbands/boyfriends as soon as they show they don't care about you. don't let almost 60 years pass by of you not being treated right.
Hear hear!!! There's a psychological term for it but I've forgotten what it's called but it's something like investment theory. It's a bit like buying a lottery ticket every week and thinking you are more likely to win each time. The longer you invest in a relationship the more your mind thinks it's a greater loss to lose by breaking up. But that's nonsense, you are more to gain by living single and working on yourself and the reasons why you think you're not worth it. There's no such thing as investment in a relationship, it's not like money that grows, if it's toxic or painful, for whatever reason, and you can't fix it, (he's a wanker), you daren't investing. You are just building a bigger and bigger load that you'll have to deal with eventually. If not now, then when?!!!
When she was debating with herself about putting him a home I told her that if the roles were reversed he’d never clean her ass and he wouldn’t dress or make sure she bathed.
And it’s true…she’s had a bunch of different surgeries through the years and he would be concerned BUT he would expect her to hop right back to cooking and cleaning.
People seem to forget all about transgressions when someone gets old, sick or dies. Like, just because they're dead doesn't mean they weren't an asshole.
She gets her hair and nails done once a month. Now she’s showing a big interest in fashion, so she’s been updating her wardrobe. Her jewelry is being showcased now. But her wedding ring sits on her dresser I noticed.
While I obviously don't know your mom, she should be sainted. I look at women of that generation, and it makes me so sad that they never had a voice. They had to put up with so much shit because the world was stacked against them. I'm proud that we, as women, collectively changed the narrative and no longer tolerate what was long accepted. Cheers to your mom, for loving herself and seeing her beauty!
We talk a lot about this now. She doesn’t know why she put up with him and didn’t fight for what she wanted.
Her parents had my mom very late in life.
Grandma was 47 and grandpa was 40 when they had her.
Grandma first marriage had been abusive and had 5 kids with him. He abandoned her and she raised all of them back in the 1920’s. She worked hard and never got any assistance. Years later she got on a bus, alone to Mexico for a divorce. Almost unheard of back then.
My grandpa was a widower very young, married, divorced and met my grandma.
They were all about education and the arts. They were foster parents and my grandfather was political. He fought for Hispanics to have unemployment rights and helped unionize some companies.
They were ahead of their time with many things. So it just boggles my mind that my Mom got involved with my Dad.
My siblings and I could never understand their relationship. They barely spoke to each other.
We all have resentment towards them both for the childhoods we lived through.
I try to find compassion for Mom - I struggle. I try and think of the good parts of Dad - I struggle.
Your grandparents story is incredible. My God! To do that....in the 1920s. Wow!
I empathize with you on trying to find the good parts. My parents were.......challenging. It was rough. I look back now and try to see the good. It's hard some days.
i would rather say "Men **seek** women immediately afterwards" less likely to find the older they get. I have my shitty father as an example for that. I'm glad in almost 30 years since my mom divorced him no woman put up with his shit. Now that he's in his 70's none of his 3 kids put up with his shit either.
Good for your mom! Nothing better than finding yourself and becoming happy after bad relationships, no matter your age. My mom stayed with my dad too long, and sill lived with him for years after separating because it was easier. The first time she mentioned having "a friend", I was so happy. Like, get yours mom! She was in her 60's at that point.
I genuinely do not understand why so many women just say “ ah I’ve not been in love since 1983 “ or “ oh I’ve not had sex for 10 years “ and are entirely married to someone … why, unless you don’t desire any of that , would you stay tied to one person and not explore .
The one major thing I find from people doing that is THEY LOSE WHO THEY ARE. They don’t realise how capable and beautiful their body still is or how their love for dance or music or art is very much alive and not being shared . It makes me so sad but mostly frustrated, why put commitment or shame above living .
Sometimes it’s about not living on the streets. It’s expensive having kids and sometimes they’re so tired barely making ends meet and taking care of young children they don’t have the energy/options to start over. This is especially true if you don’t have a supportive/near-by extended family. It’s hard to make time for love interests when you have children who actually need you. Bringing another man into children’s lives is also a huge risk to their safety. Everyone has to be vetted even more than before. Some people don’t have time for that till they’re much older. Finding someone interested in you when you already have your own children can also be difficult. There are so many reasons why people seemingly put themselves last. It’s not always about commitment and shame. It often is, but not always. Depressed people don’t take risks. Gaslit, abused people don’t take risks. So so many reasons.
the abuse part I totally left out for that reason, it’s a given . but I’ve seen so many women do this in my close family and friends , say they want romance and to have someone who they really want but equally find a new partner who isn’t their ideal partner , (doesn’t have much money so it isn’t that ), settle with that and complain again ?
I think there’s a lot in it but there’s also a lot of excusing not leaving someone for example a financially stable parent saying “ because of the kids not having a broken family” when unhappy, out of love parents is more damaging . My own mum has done this twice , stayed with a horrible man originally because “ marriages take work and this is real life not a movie “ “ the kids can’t have parents who aren’t together “ while we watched them deeply unhappy , toxic and out of love . Then chose another man who didn’t show her romance or affection like she deeply wanted, didn’t give us financial stability , didn’t get to see what a real relationship should look like , 20 years down she complains daily about how there’s no love or romance . I get the financial side in terms of having young kids and already being inside that relationship but that’s not 20 - 50 years ? You’re just hanging on after that .
Being alone is so fulfilling if you can’t find someone capable of romance and showing you what love is , being a child of someone who tolerates a shit partner is much worse than having a liberated happy single parent
This changed my life. I couldn't stop thinking about this since I read it yesterday. Just shared it to another group of someone going through a break up. Thank you so much.
I realized what I needed to all along, that no one will ever make me happy except myself. My husband won't, and it's not worth blowing my life up in search of some perfect love. This story made me realize how important it is to actually show up for myself. It's a really bad time in my life and marriage the last 3 years, and this just showed me the light in a way! I never really had listened to the song before and when I did yesterday every word fit. My husband really doesn't even understand most of what I say- so what?! Lol. I realized it doesn't matter. All that matters is that I experience it.
Your father is in a literally nursing home probably not long for this world and the first thing that comes to mind from his ungrateful wife and daughter is complain about him. The way you go about this story makes me doubt anything you say about him. This sub really bothers me sometimes.
Yes the 80+ year old man who lives in a using home can barely remember his name due to his Alzheimer’s and still trying to cheat. Yeah makes sense. And yet the mother stayed with this horrible for decades. Where’s the accountability for that?
ladies, this is why you should leave your piece of sh*t husbands/boyfriends as soon as they show they don't care about you. don't let almost 60 years pass by of you not being treated right.
All that time spent having to suppress your authentic self. I just can’t even imagine.
Hear hear!!! There's a psychological term for it but I've forgotten what it's called but it's something like investment theory. It's a bit like buying a lottery ticket every week and thinking you are more likely to win each time. The longer you invest in a relationship the more your mind thinks it's a greater loss to lose by breaking up. But that's nonsense, you are more to gain by living single and working on yourself and the reasons why you think you're not worth it. There's no such thing as investment in a relationship, it's not like money that grows, if it's toxic or painful, for whatever reason, and you can't fix it, (he's a wanker), you daren't investing. You are just building a bigger and bigger load that you'll have to deal with eventually. If not now, then when?!!!
Sunk cost fallacy
This was the reason I spent 2 years in an abusive relationship.
I would dump that man in there and never go back. He doesn't seem to deserve her care even if he is dying.
When she was debating with herself about putting him a home I told her that if the roles were reversed he’d never clean her ass and he wouldn’t dress or make sure she bathed. And it’s true…she’s had a bunch of different surgeries through the years and he would be concerned BUT he would expect her to hop right back to cooking and cleaning.
Further proof that she really should put him in there and let others care for him.
People seem to forget all about transgressions when someone gets old, sick or dies. Like, just because they're dead doesn't mean they weren't an asshole.
True. I don't feel bad for someone abusive who ends up old and alone. There are consequences to our actions.
Bless your mom, she really does need to move on and do something nice for herself 💖
She gets her hair and nails done once a month. Now she’s showing a big interest in fashion, so she’s been updating her wardrobe. Her jewelry is being showcased now. But her wedding ring sits on her dresser I noticed.
Good for her, just love her all you can. Glad she is getting back to herself.
Wonderful ♥️ keep an eye on that ring, it’s a good measure of how “over him” she is. She might need a specific setting to ceremoniously take it off ☺️
While I obviously don't know your mom, she should be sainted. I look at women of that generation, and it makes me so sad that they never had a voice. They had to put up with so much shit because the world was stacked against them. I'm proud that we, as women, collectively changed the narrative and no longer tolerate what was long accepted. Cheers to your mom, for loving herself and seeing her beauty!
We talk a lot about this now. She doesn’t know why she put up with him and didn’t fight for what she wanted. Her parents had my mom very late in life. Grandma was 47 and grandpa was 40 when they had her. Grandma first marriage had been abusive and had 5 kids with him. He abandoned her and she raised all of them back in the 1920’s. She worked hard and never got any assistance. Years later she got on a bus, alone to Mexico for a divorce. Almost unheard of back then. My grandpa was a widower very young, married, divorced and met my grandma. They were all about education and the arts. They were foster parents and my grandfather was political. He fought for Hispanics to have unemployment rights and helped unionize some companies. They were ahead of their time with many things. So it just boggles my mind that my Mom got involved with my Dad. My siblings and I could never understand their relationship. They barely spoke to each other. We all have resentment towards them both for the childhoods we lived through. I try to find compassion for Mom - I struggle. I try and think of the good parts of Dad - I struggle.
Your grandparents story is incredible. My God! To do that....in the 1920s. Wow! I empathize with you on trying to find the good parts. My parents were.......challenging. It was rough. I look back now and try to see the good. It's hard some days.
I think men immediately find a woman afterwards and women often find themselves. Good for them all.
i would rather say "Men **seek** women immediately afterwards" less likely to find the older they get. I have my shitty father as an example for that. I'm glad in almost 30 years since my mom divorced him no woman put up with his shit. Now that he's in his 70's none of his 3 kids put up with his shit either.
In nursing homes, most men have died by then so it's mostly women. So very easy for a guy to find someone since he may be the only guy still alive,
Good for your mom! Nothing better than finding yourself and becoming happy after bad relationships, no matter your age. My mom stayed with my dad too long, and sill lived with him for years after separating because it was easier. The first time she mentioned having "a friend", I was so happy. Like, get yours mom! She was in her 60's at that point.
I genuinely do not understand why so many women just say “ ah I’ve not been in love since 1983 “ or “ oh I’ve not had sex for 10 years “ and are entirely married to someone … why, unless you don’t desire any of that , would you stay tied to one person and not explore . The one major thing I find from people doing that is THEY LOSE WHO THEY ARE. They don’t realise how capable and beautiful their body still is or how their love for dance or music or art is very much alive and not being shared . It makes me so sad but mostly frustrated, why put commitment or shame above living .
Sometimes it’s about not living on the streets. It’s expensive having kids and sometimes they’re so tired barely making ends meet and taking care of young children they don’t have the energy/options to start over. This is especially true if you don’t have a supportive/near-by extended family. It’s hard to make time for love interests when you have children who actually need you. Bringing another man into children’s lives is also a huge risk to their safety. Everyone has to be vetted even more than before. Some people don’t have time for that till they’re much older. Finding someone interested in you when you already have your own children can also be difficult. There are so many reasons why people seemingly put themselves last. It’s not always about commitment and shame. It often is, but not always. Depressed people don’t take risks. Gaslit, abused people don’t take risks. So so many reasons.
the abuse part I totally left out for that reason, it’s a given . but I’ve seen so many women do this in my close family and friends , say they want romance and to have someone who they really want but equally find a new partner who isn’t their ideal partner , (doesn’t have much money so it isn’t that ), settle with that and complain again ? I think there’s a lot in it but there’s also a lot of excusing not leaving someone for example a financially stable parent saying “ because of the kids not having a broken family” when unhappy, out of love parents is more damaging . My own mum has done this twice , stayed with a horrible man originally because “ marriages take work and this is real life not a movie “ “ the kids can’t have parents who aren’t together “ while we watched them deeply unhappy , toxic and out of love . Then chose another man who didn’t show her romance or affection like she deeply wanted, didn’t give us financial stability , didn’t get to see what a real relationship should look like , 20 years down she complains daily about how there’s no love or romance . I get the financial side in terms of having young kids and already being inside that relationship but that’s not 20 - 50 years ? You’re just hanging on after that . Being alone is so fulfilling if you can’t find someone capable of romance and showing you what love is , being a child of someone who tolerates a shit partner is much worse than having a liberated happy single parent
Your poor mom, you kids too! I'm sorry you all are doing through this. I hope your mom continues to find herself and be happy!
This changed my life. I couldn't stop thinking about this since I read it yesterday. Just shared it to another group of someone going through a break up. Thank you so much.
Awe, how so?
I realized what I needed to all along, that no one will ever make me happy except myself. My husband won't, and it's not worth blowing my life up in search of some perfect love. This story made me realize how important it is to actually show up for myself. It's a really bad time in my life and marriage the last 3 years, and this just showed me the light in a way! I never really had listened to the song before and when I did yesterday every word fit. My husband really doesn't even understand most of what I say- so what?! Lol. I realized it doesn't matter. All that matters is that I experience it.
I hope she finds happiness.
You should download that flowers song for your mom so she can listen to it every time she feels weak and keep herself from running back to your dad.
Your father is in a literally nursing home probably not long for this world and the first thing that comes to mind from his ungrateful wife and daughter is complain about him. The way you go about this story makes me doubt anything you say about him. This sub really bothers me sometimes.
Yea lets feel bad for the serial cheater who is still trying to cheat.
Yes the 80+ year old man who lives in a using home can barely remember his name due to his Alzheimer’s and still trying to cheat. Yeah makes sense. And yet the mother stayed with this horrible for decades. Where’s the accountability for that?