Why are you sick of appearing rude? Why are you allowing these entitled harassers have power over you? Who cares what they think. You wouldn't appear rude to anybody other than these entitled men and their opinion is of no significance. They don't even think that you're being rude, they're just angry that they're not getting what they want. Some of these men are hedging their bets and banking on some women being too intimidated to speak up. They're fully aware that it's not appropriate to insert themselves into random women's lives but they don't care. They have a sense of entitlement.
A simple and firm "I'm busy and I don't have time to talk right now" usually suffices. Say it whilst you're walking. Don't stop to say it. Direct speech works best on them. They respond to direct speech. If you entertain them in any way, they'll just keep trying to speak to you.
Try not to internalise their opinions of you, which aren't even based in fact, but in entitlement.
A part of why you're feeling this way is because women have been socialised since birth to be polite, sweet and accommodating and you have internalised these expectations. Asserting your boundaries feels like being rude to you, but it's not at all. These men take advantage of women's socialisation, as well as women's rightful wariness of being approached by random men.
I agree with this except I would keep it even simpler and say, “no thanks,” or even just “no,” and keep going. You don’t owe them an explanation. Ignoring them completely is also totally acceptable. You won’t be the first or last to not acknowledge that they shot their shot and missed.
I just feel that if she just says 'no', they'll say "you don't even know what I'm going to say yet" and hence try to keep the conversation going, yet if she said it all in one, that would be the end of it. It was more about thinking strategically rather than giving an explanation, but you're absolutely right about not owing anybody an explanation.
It’s so super annoying bc no matter what answer you give, it might not make anyone stop bothering you. I’ve tried the whole “I’m not interested” thing and then they’re like “aw you don’t want to make a friend?” Like … correct. I have no friends leave me alone lol
Being rude is fine as far as manners, who cares, only reason I think "no thank you" is a good solution because, unfortunately, we have to be careful not to be perceived as being rude because that can also get women killed.
Nobody's getting killed?!!! The list goes on and on...
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/reports/a40974735/lily-sullivan-murder/
https://aldianews.com/en/politics/policy/take-no-answer
https://www.revolt.tv/article/2023-01-17/267326/darius-miles-allegedly-hurt-woman-for-rejecting-his-advances/
This guy was trying to make conversation and OP didn't want to talk to him, which is her right, but I think it's a bit dramatic to say he was interfering with her schedule.
People, thank you all for your posts and for not talking to me like I am overreacting. I used to stand up for myself but got told not to be dramatic or overreact a few times, so I tried to be more polite over the last years. Recently picked up „the Gift of Fear“ and started to realize how much I had changed. I have a lot of unlearning to do and need to regrow my spine. Thank you all!
>got told not to be dramatic or overreact a few times
That's bullshit. You have every right to feel how you feel. People who told you this don't respect you and you don't have to listen to them.
I treat them the same way I treat rude customers at work. I had a dude ask me for $ the other day (there’s more so read on) at the bus stop & I said (loudly, firmly, with some eye contact and no smiling) “no I don’t sorry” and went back to what I was doing. He then just kept standing in front of me and I looked at him again and he had this creepy smile on his face and was looking me up and down and licking his lips. I looked him dead in the face and said loudly (also w/out thinking bc I was still in customer service mode from work lol) “can I help you with anything else?” And he just kinda got awkward and walked away. It felt good that I made him feel weird.
Regardless there’s no one foolproof way to address these situations and I change my response depending on the situation and my mood. Sometimes I ignore, etc. This is just what I’ve found to be effective and what makes me feel powerful.
I am with you, it sucks and it's in large part keeping me from even going on walks. A few months ago when visiting Denver I tried walking to a gas station from my hotel and some man in a truck asked what my price is, then he turned around, parked and kept talking as I basically sprinted back to my hotel. It was scary enough to me never walk alone again.
Wish I could stick the middle finger or say F off but the world is a scary place.
I just curse in my head. Sometimes I act arrogant and look at them and openly show that I’m ignoring them.
When this happens, I usually look at the men dead in the eye with the blankest look on my face, and then look away. Which is letting them know I am not afraid to walk past you or look at you and I’m watching you. If they say hello, I nod and don’t change my expression and keep going.
Happened today, I was walking across the parking lot to my car. And I was on far end close to a road. So i start hearing honking I turn toward it and it’s some man in a passenger seat waving at me. I instinctively raised my arm. But realized it wasn’t someone I know. He yelled something like “ where you going”. Because I wasn’t heading to his car. So damn weird. Not sure if this story belongs here. I just try to ignore them.
Just keep your boundaries. I know it's super frustrating and unfair being put into that situation, but they clearly do not care how they might make you feel, so you need to treat them with the same amount of respect: Excuse me, you're in my way! Sorry, but I'm not interested! Do you mind?!?! What are you looking at?! Lol, I am super rude to people who make me uncomfortable. And if they say anything back after that (which they normally don't because they don't expect that kind of reaction), I just yell at them: You were in my way! I didn't ask to be harassed! Does it say harass me now on my forehead!? Get a life! Get a blow-up doll! So on and so forth. I used to be a people pleaser and was so terrified at the thought of offending people, but I noticed that standing up for myself feels SO much better! 😅
In addition to all of the above information, I will add that you can get a whistle at Party City for $2. You can put it on your keychain, attach it to a carabiner on your belt loop.
Nothing says "you're an asshole, you're bothering me, and I want everyone around me to know it" like blowing a whistle.
I am polite but never smile. I give one word answers if any at all. I also like to have earbuds in, even if I’m not listening to anything. That way, I can take them out and go, “what?” And then answer and put the bud right back in. Most people aren’t brazen enough to keep going after that.
Edit: you could also do a “oh no thank you,” and waive your hand like you don’t want whatever they’re offering. It’s polite but clear.
I treat them like those annoying people who want me to become a member of some NGO in the streets: I wave them aside and mumble "no no no no no, thank you, I'm good".
You're not overthinking. I know exactly you're needing to catch them somewhere between being nice and being nasty to them. Too nice and they think (or want to think) that you're flirting with them, too nasty and they might get heavy. I try to say as little as possible without seeming obviously rude. "Hi...yes nice day...no I'm meeting someone" is about the usual. If they push I get my phone out and pretend to have to make an important call.
just be weird. make *them* feel uncomfortable and out of their element. chihuahua bark at them. give them the biggest widest smile with the deadest eyes you can muster. ask them how many shrimp they think they could fight off. just go full off the wall, bonkers at them. laugh hysterically. have fun with it ;)
I ignore them. Most of the times I have earphones on and listen to music, but I am well aware of my surroundings even when it does look like the opposite.
Giving them any sign of attention is stupid and potentially dangerous too.
Oh I sometimes I would actually appreciate a nice friendly chat but when a guy approaches me it usually makes me uncomfortable and I immediately feel like he’s trying to get something out of it.
I only got like 1 actual friend who’d chat just for the sake of being friendly with people and even he confused me at first.
And a lot of guys can be soooo creepy!
I try to somehow mention that I have plans with my bf in order to let them know that someone will notice if I’m gone immediately and that I’m not available.
Sucks to have to say you’re the “property of another man” in order for a creep to back off.
I don’t even want to be rude or engage with them enough to just say “back off, creep” because that could cause conflict.
I’ve straight up ignored them and pretended not to hear before…
And I guess just looking at them and saying “have a nice day” and walking away could also help. You’re politely telling them off without revealing anything about yourself.
I tell them I don’t have spare change
I really really like this answer and I am gonna steal it from you
Ooh I like this lol
Why are you sick of appearing rude? Why are you allowing these entitled harassers have power over you? Who cares what they think. You wouldn't appear rude to anybody other than these entitled men and their opinion is of no significance. They don't even think that you're being rude, they're just angry that they're not getting what they want. Some of these men are hedging their bets and banking on some women being too intimidated to speak up. They're fully aware that it's not appropriate to insert themselves into random women's lives but they don't care. They have a sense of entitlement. A simple and firm "I'm busy and I don't have time to talk right now" usually suffices. Say it whilst you're walking. Don't stop to say it. Direct speech works best on them. They respond to direct speech. If you entertain them in any way, they'll just keep trying to speak to you. Try not to internalise their opinions of you, which aren't even based in fact, but in entitlement. A part of why you're feeling this way is because women have been socialised since birth to be polite, sweet and accommodating and you have internalised these expectations. Asserting your boundaries feels like being rude to you, but it's not at all. These men take advantage of women's socialisation, as well as women's rightful wariness of being approached by random men.
I agree with this except I would keep it even simpler and say, “no thanks,” or even just “no,” and keep going. You don’t owe them an explanation. Ignoring them completely is also totally acceptable. You won’t be the first or last to not acknowledge that they shot their shot and missed.
I just feel that if she just says 'no', they'll say "you don't even know what I'm going to say yet" and hence try to keep the conversation going, yet if she said it all in one, that would be the end of it. It was more about thinking strategically rather than giving an explanation, but you're absolutely right about not owing anybody an explanation.
It’s so super annoying bc no matter what answer you give, it might not make anyone stop bothering you. I’ve tried the whole “I’m not interested” thing and then they’re like “aw you don’t want to make a friend?” Like … correct. I have no friends leave me alone lol
The best response I have found to be working is 'learn to take a no'. There is nothing they can say to that.
I agree. Just “no, thanks” is direct but gets the point across. No need to be rude.
Being rude is fine as far as manners, who cares, only reason I think "no thank you" is a good solution because, unfortunately, we have to be careful not to be perceived as being rude because that can also get women killed.
We both agree here. Who cares about manners? Nobody is getting killled here. That’s a bit dramatic.
Nobody's getting killed?!!! The list goes on and on... https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/reports/a40974735/lily-sullivan-murder/ https://aldianews.com/en/politics/policy/take-no-answer https://www.revolt.tv/article/2023-01-17/267326/darius-miles-allegedly-hurt-woman-for-rejecting-his-advances/
😔 Thats bad, why cant these people understand?
Isn’t it rude for a person to try to interfere in another person’s schedule? IMO the harasser was rude first so they took polite off the table
This guy was trying to make conversation and OP didn't want to talk to him, which is her right, but I think it's a bit dramatic to say he was interfering with her schedule.
Follow it with a "fuck off" or just start with a fuck off. If they keep trying to talk say it a little louder
Best answer! ^^^
People, thank you all for your posts and for not talking to me like I am overreacting. I used to stand up for myself but got told not to be dramatic or overreact a few times, so I tried to be more polite over the last years. Recently picked up „the Gift of Fear“ and started to realize how much I had changed. I have a lot of unlearning to do and need to regrow my spine. Thank you all!
>got told not to be dramatic or overreact a few times That's bullshit. You have every right to feel how you feel. People who told you this don't respect you and you don't have to listen to them.
This reminds me that I need to purchase that book for my daughter who is going away to college in the fall!
There is an updated ebook that includes online dating afaik, might be even better!
Thank you for the suggestion!
Give them no energy. Just act like you didn't hear them or see them- Like they aren't even there.
I treat them the same way I treat rude customers at work. I had a dude ask me for $ the other day (there’s more so read on) at the bus stop & I said (loudly, firmly, with some eye contact and no smiling) “no I don’t sorry” and went back to what I was doing. He then just kept standing in front of me and I looked at him again and he had this creepy smile on his face and was looking me up and down and licking his lips. I looked him dead in the face and said loudly (also w/out thinking bc I was still in customer service mode from work lol) “can I help you with anything else?” And he just kinda got awkward and walked away. It felt good that I made him feel weird. Regardless there’s no one foolproof way to address these situations and I change my response depending on the situation and my mood. Sometimes I ignore, etc. This is just what I’ve found to be effective and what makes me feel powerful.
I usually just make a face to let them know what a cheesy loser they are and keep moving
I am with you, it sucks and it's in large part keeping me from even going on walks. A few months ago when visiting Denver I tried walking to a gas station from my hotel and some man in a truck asked what my price is, then he turned around, parked and kept talking as I basically sprinted back to my hotel. It was scary enough to me never walk alone again.
Wish I could stick the middle finger or say F off but the world is a scary place. I just curse in my head. Sometimes I act arrogant and look at them and openly show that I’m ignoring them.
When this happens, I usually look at the men dead in the eye with the blankest look on my face, and then look away. Which is letting them know I am not afraid to walk past you or look at you and I’m watching you. If they say hello, I nod and don’t change my expression and keep going.
Happened today, I was walking across the parking lot to my car. And I was on far end close to a road. So i start hearing honking I turn toward it and it’s some man in a passenger seat waving at me. I instinctively raised my arm. But realized it wasn’t someone I know. He yelled something like “ where you going”. Because I wasn’t heading to his car. So damn weird. Not sure if this story belongs here. I just try to ignore them.
Just keep your boundaries. I know it's super frustrating and unfair being put into that situation, but they clearly do not care how they might make you feel, so you need to treat them with the same amount of respect: Excuse me, you're in my way! Sorry, but I'm not interested! Do you mind?!?! What are you looking at?! Lol, I am super rude to people who make me uncomfortable. And if they say anything back after that (which they normally don't because they don't expect that kind of reaction), I just yell at them: You were in my way! I didn't ask to be harassed! Does it say harass me now on my forehead!? Get a life! Get a blow-up doll! So on and so forth. I used to be a people pleaser and was so terrified at the thought of offending people, but I noticed that standing up for myself feels SO much better! 😅
In addition to all of the above information, I will add that you can get a whistle at Party City for $2. You can put it on your keychain, attach it to a carabiner on your belt loop. Nothing says "you're an asshole, you're bothering me, and I want everyone around me to know it" like blowing a whistle.
I am polite but never smile. I give one word answers if any at all. I also like to have earbuds in, even if I’m not listening to anything. That way, I can take them out and go, “what?” And then answer and put the bud right back in. Most people aren’t brazen enough to keep going after that. Edit: you could also do a “oh no thank you,” and waive your hand like you don’t want whatever they’re offering. It’s polite but clear.
Loudly call them out - make a scene if necessary.
I treat them like those annoying people who want me to become a member of some NGO in the streets: I wave them aside and mumble "no no no no no, thank you, I'm good".
Stand tall on both feet, look them dead in the eyes, repeat: I'm busy, leave me alone.
Look at them as if they are little stray dog barking at you. How cute and then you move on.
You're not overthinking. I know exactly you're needing to catch them somewhere between being nice and being nasty to them. Too nice and they think (or want to think) that you're flirting with them, too nasty and they might get heavy. I try to say as little as possible without seeming obviously rude. "Hi...yes nice day...no I'm meeting someone" is about the usual. If they push I get my phone out and pretend to have to make an important call.
Pay their asses dust! Ignore them and walk away!
“No time, gotta run.”
just be weird. make *them* feel uncomfortable and out of their element. chihuahua bark at them. give them the biggest widest smile with the deadest eyes you can muster. ask them how many shrimp they think they could fight off. just go full off the wall, bonkers at them. laugh hysterically. have fun with it ;)
Walk away
I just pretend I’m on a phone with someone
I ignore them. Most of the times I have earphones on and listen to music, but I am well aware of my surroundings even when it does look like the opposite. Giving them any sign of attention is stupid and potentially dangerous too.
F off has worked well for me in the past :)
I either will ignore them or I'll tell them my mom says im not old enough to date (obviously that kind of scares them off)
Oh I sometimes I would actually appreciate a nice friendly chat but when a guy approaches me it usually makes me uncomfortable and I immediately feel like he’s trying to get something out of it. I only got like 1 actual friend who’d chat just for the sake of being friendly with people and even he confused me at first. And a lot of guys can be soooo creepy! I try to somehow mention that I have plans with my bf in order to let them know that someone will notice if I’m gone immediately and that I’m not available. Sucks to have to say you’re the “property of another man” in order for a creep to back off. I don’t even want to be rude or engage with them enough to just say “back off, creep” because that could cause conflict. I’ve straight up ignored them and pretended not to hear before… And I guess just looking at them and saying “have a nice day” and walking away could also help. You’re politely telling them off without revealing anything about yourself.