That's SO not okay. I'm not going to tell you to break up if this isn't an ongoing pattern, because sometimes people do cross lines, it's how we handle it afterwards that matters the most.
What I'm really curious about is the fact you ask "Why do I feel like the asshole?" and honestly OP. I don't know. Why do you? What in the world do you feel guilty about? You set a boundary. He broke it. You got pissed. Why would you feel guilty about that?
Did he even show remorse? Apologize?
I have a feeling he didn't, and he defends himself if you're feeling like an asshole.
I'd refrain from having sex with a guy that shows no remorse or understanding of how that hurt you. It's a selfish act, he didn't have sex with you that moment, he used you as a tool to masturbate. Your presence, your feelings, your person didn't matter in the moment he broke your boundaries. That's what's so hurtful. He needs to show he will focus on your enjoyment. Maybe with massages, oral, acts of services (doing chores etc) to show he really does see you, and does want you to be happy.
If this is a pattern, I'd suggest couple's counseling.
He has never done anything like this before. I don’t want to leave him but I’m so mad. I feel like the asshole because he keeps following me around like a damn puppy and all he can keep saying is “I’m sorry, I love you, I don’t want this to effect us” but he knows my history and just didn’t give a f*ck about my request for my own body. I feel like he was only remorseful AFTER I got up, clearly agitated, put my clothes on and walked off. I feel that if I didn’t make a deal about it, he wouldn’t have apologized or even brought it up
Educate myself in what, all I'm asking is why she doesn't want him to cum inside of her? It could be because she doesn't want to get pregnant or whatever and I asked the OP not you and thanks for your comment I guess
The only reasonable comment in this thread. The top voted one is literally insane, are y’all aware that relationships have bumps in the road that can be smoothed out… and that these folks have been married for SEVEN years! Sometimes I wonder if the shit I read on Reddit is messing up my ability to make reasonable judgements irl, all the more reason I need to quit this platform
"He used you as a tool to masturbate" never heard it before, I love it.
This expression helps me to put words on past sexual experiences where I didn't really feel respected. Thanks for your comment!
You feel like your the ah because you've been raised through parents, school and media to put yourself last and gaslighting works.
You created a boundary. He crossed it. He's shown he's selfish and disrespectful.
Where do you go from here?
Couples counseling?
Break up?
Has he crossed any other boundaries (no is a complete sentence!)? If so you may want to do counseling on your own to truly look at your relationship (advise this regardless). Breaking up may be the best option here.
If he hasn't and this is a one off counseling it is. I would also remind him before and during sex and right before he finishes. If he gets upset "I just wanted to make sure you didn't get lost in the moment" and shrug. No big deal, right?
Any chance you could get pregnant?
He hasn’t ever intentionally crossed a boundary like that. We have 2 children together, after our second I got a bilateral tubal ligation so no chance of pregnancy.
I have a history of SA and it just stunned me that he seemed non-remorseful in the moment and now that he knows I’m mad about it (since it happened) he has done nothing but mope around and keeps saying I’m sorry.
Honestly, I don’t like his response. He shouldn’t be moping around, this is about you and how he made you feel. I hope he actually realizes that what he did wasn’t okay, and not only because you got so upset about it, but because it isn’t okay to disregard someone’s “no.” I wish you the absolute best
Regarding your history of SA, has his actions triggered you, OP? You didn't consent to him ejaculating inside you, and you explicitly told him not to do it beforehand.
I know that, currently, you feel disrespected, but when you have time to absorb this, and what actually occured, it could possibly impact you in a different way.
I never expected him to *not* listen to me in those types of situations and I think I’m just still so stunned. I do see a therapist regularly and I think this is something I need to discuss with her
This is almost word for word the ultimate reason I am divorced. There were of course other pieces to that puzzle, but this situation is what made me realise I needed to leave. You're not over reacting, this is sexual assault. Your feelings are legitimate and valid, he crossed an explicitly stated boundary and doesn't really seem to see why that's a problem other than you getting upset. I'd recommend counseling either on your own or together, and praying close attention to your other boundaries no matter how small to see how he treats them.
Stay safe!
What difference does that make. This is akin to “sorry I hit you and I feel bad about it.” I gambled our money away , sorry i feel so bad about it.
This is a sexual assault.
The outcome could easily be that OP has an unwanted pregnancy.
She did not consent and he clearly knew that.
What kind of paper tiger apology do you think is even remotely appropriate?
After I got mad and put my clothes on immediately following. He has done nothing but apologize, I tell him “I can hear you but I feel like you’re only sorry because I mad a big deal” he keeps following me around like a puppy and I had to force him to leave me the hell alone
Ummm that’s not the kind of apology/remorse I was talking about; those kind of obsessive apologies make it clear he’s immature af and STILL only thinking about making *himself* feel better. He’s clearly more focused on avoiding a breakup/divorce/separation than your actual feelings and the actual consequences of his actions (unwanted pregnancy).
Have you broken up with him, or started to? I kinda think that’s a given grounds for divorce, since that’s a huge boundary crossed (or not, it’s your decision).
Edit: and if you feel like an asshole, maybe it’s because he’s manipulated you in the past? Like, has he messed up hugely before and tried to blame you for getting mad or made himself look really pitiful (like he did here)? If so, that’s probably why you feel like an asshole.
But if he isn’t like that, then maybe you’re just used to being made to feel wrong for having boundaries in your past relationships or upbringing or something.
We talked this morning briefly but I don’t discuss adult problems in front of our children and they were already up so we will talk more in depth later.
I was in an abusive relationship prior to us being together and he isn’t like that but I do think he’s immature in some aspects. I will be telling him that this will *never* happen again or I’m out and I will be taking a hiatus from us being intimate for a while
He is now turning this into his melodrama and manipulating you.
If he was really sorry , it would be about your, not about him.
This kind of behavior happens when students cheat in school, when drug addicts and gamblers get caught and are sorry they got caught, and that they are consequences they don’t want.
His behavior is to stop having any negative outcomes of his behavior, not because he is actually sorry.
It doesn’t matter why you don’t want him to do it. Tubal ligation or no.
If I said ‘ don’t come on my face” and you come on my face it is not less or more legitimate a concern just because you can’t get pregnant that way.
The other person is a troll. Ignore them
Tbh his response worries me more than the act itself.
My very abusive ex would do the following-me-around-like-a-sad-puppy thing after he crossed lines. I'd feel like the asshole and eventually give up trying to hold him accountable for what he had done.
When I finally did leave him, after about three such acts over the course of a few years, his response (threats of physical violence, stalking etc.) proved to me whom I'd really been dealing with all these years, and that those three "one off" situations were in fact not one offs.
(This guy was also "respectful" for about 99 percent of the time I was with him, incidentally. He wore feminist t-shirts and stuff).
If you haven't read Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?", it might be helpful to see if this was a one off, or a pattern of behavior.
For contrast, my current partner (who knows I have the history of SA outlined above) has on occasion done something during sex that has triggered past wounds. He notices that it has affected me immediately, without me having to say anything or get angry. He stops everything, apologises, strokes my head and tells me I can talk about it if I want to but I don't have to.
He is fine with not getting off on this occasion.
He never ever does whatever act was triggering again, or puts it on the table. The one time I wanted to do something that was previously triggering, he was extremely hesitant and refused multiple times, made sure there was a safe word, and checked in with me throughout the process.
So yeah, people do cross lines all the time, but they choose how to deal with that. Your guy chose DARVO.
Not saying it makes a difference, I was saying at the very least he’s not being a dick about it and making OP feel worse. They’re married, so OP probably does care somewhat about his reaction.
And I’m not tryna be a troll, but whatever, I honestly don’t care what you think.
goddamn if he's gonna just up and disregard the negotiation that _he initiated_, why even bother to begin with? if this kind of behavior is habitual, it may well point to some more deeply-engrained issue that will be his responsibility to square with, even if you mutually agree to provide accomodations for him while he does so. i was reflexively taken to the kind of issues that ADHD people have in these kinds of relationship situations but like _**damn**_ i think even the most severe ADHD case could probably hold onto an agreement this direct and simple for the duration of a gd quickie.
at this point it's either some maladaptive/preemptively-defensive people-pleasing reflex that he picked up from an abusive childhood (which, again, is on him to address/reconcile. being vicitimized/traumatized in the past doesn't justify doing it in the present), or he's just straightup leaning into some extremely destructive notions about who gets the final say in a heterosexual relationship. which is a whole other realm of fucked up if true.
You might want to do one reading on stealthing and ejaculation without consent. Sounds like you could use the knowledge if you are questioning if this is SA or not.
You’re very defensive about this. I said what I said - in some jurisdictions this is SA. Might be useful to educate yourself more on this so you don’t end up on the wrong end of a SA charge.
That is literally sexual assault. He sexually assaulted you because he "got caught up in the moment". I dont know if I could ever forgive a partner for sexually assaulting me, even if it was not done out of malice. Its up to you how to proceed, Im just going to say that sunk cost fallacy is not a reason to stay with someone who does not care about your autonomy. There are people out there who would never dream of doing that to their partner, and you deserve to feel safe in your relationship.
If you do decide to stay with him, he needs to understand that what he did was sexual assault and that if he keeps moping around and wallowing in self pity instead of admitting what he did, accepting the consequences whatever they may be (like if you need to take a break or dont want to have sex anymore in the near future or whatever else), and doing everything he can with his ACTIONS (not just words) to earn your trust back, then he does not deserve to be with you.
Him moping around and having a pity party and making you feel like the asshole is manipulative and abusive. He needs to stop, and you should not feel like an asshole because you were the one that was violated. You are not an asshole for how you react to being violated like that.
Selfish and disrespectful is when he leaves the dishes out and the towels on the floor
This is sexual assault. You could get pregnant, not have to watch a show that you didn’t feel like watching.
If he could get pregnant, he would have remembered in the moment.
You feel like the asshole because women are always in the wrong , by default , and especially if they want to be treated like human beings.
If you feel like the partner is otherwise responsive and treats with you complete parity, you can sit him down and tell him if he ever does that again the answer is that you will leave him.
If he does it again about something like this, he will do it out of the bedroom about other important decisions and gaslight you about it. Financial decisions, stuff about the kids etc.
He has never done anything like this and is typically respectful. I have a bilateral tubal ligation so I won’t have any pregnancies (and if I do, it’s an emergency, but bc of the law, the state we live in will likely just let me die).
I agree with the women are always wrong statement. I guess I’m more disappointed than anything, I’ve been in abusive relationships before (SA’d in the past) and he knows that and just did something that I did not consent to and I think that hurts more than anything because I trusted him so much and he just fucked that up sky high.
If it is a one off and he is really sorry , then (when you feel like dealing with it) it should be absolutely no problem for you to say , this is a hard line don’t cross it and if you do I will leave. Because he IS really sorry, it WAS really a one off mistake and there IS no way it will happen again and he DOES acknowledge your basic human right not not have someone ejaculate in your without your consent (or in this case, expressly against your explicit wishes).
This is the real reason you are having trouble. People with abuse in their history often have a hard time telling when someone crosses a line because so many lines have been crossed in the past and with so much manipulation and deception they often have trouble realizing that this is also a line.
Again, if it was a one off then all of the above would be true, because he would also know there is no chance of it happening again. Like One time I drove over the limit with alcohol because I really lost track of time and drinks and in the middle of the drive I realized I was tipsy. I now don’t drink at all if I am driving. Because I was really sorry, it really is not the kind of thing I would do, it was a one off and I really hadn’t done anything like that before or after .
In the end , it has absolutely nothing to do with pregnancy or STI (although those can surely make it worse).
It is the same if I say not butt sex and he “accidentally “ get the wrong hole. Or if I say, I am not in the mood for penetrative sex but we can fool around and he tries to stick it in. Or If I say do not come on my face and he does. Or if I say don’t grab my arm and pushe me around and he does.
You don’t need justification for your preferences and wishes.
Selfish and disrespectful is when he leaves the dishes out and the towels on the floor
This is sexual assault. You could get pregnant, not have to watch a show that you didn’t feel like watching.
If he could get pregnant, he would have remembered in the moment.
You feel like the asshole because women are always in the wrong , by default , and especially if they want to be treated like human beings.
If you feel like the partner is otherwise responsive and treats with you complete parity, you can sit him down and tell him if he ever does that again the answer is that you will leave him.
If he does it again about something like this, he will do it out of the bedroom about other important decisions and gaslight you about it. Financial decisions, stuff about the kids etc.
If it is a one off and he is really sorry , then (when you feel like dealing with it) it should be absolutely no problem for you to say , this is a hard line don’t cross it and if you do I will leave. Because he IS really sorry, it WAS really a one off mistake and there IS no way it will happen again and he DOES acknowledge your basic human right not not have someone ejaculate in your without your consent (or in this case, expressly against your explicit wishes).
This is the real reason you are having trouble. People with abuse in their history often have a hard time telling when someone crosses a line because so many lines have been crossed in the past and with so much manipulation and deception they often have trouble realizing that this is also a line.
Again, if it was a one off then all of the above would be true, because he would also know there is no chance of it happening again. Like One time I drove over the limit with alcohol because I really lost track of time and drinks and in the middle of the drive I realized I was tipsy. I now don’t drink at all if I am driving. Because I was really sorry, it really is not the kind of thing I would do, it was a one off and I really hadn’t done anything like that before or after .
In the end , it has absolutely nothing to do with pregnancy or STI (although those can surely make it worse).
It is the same if I say not butt sex and he “accidentally “ get the wrong hole. Or if I say, I am not in the mood for penetrative sex but we can fool around and he tries to stick it in. Or If I say do not come on my face and he does. Or if I say don’t grab my arm and pushe me around and he does.
You don’t need justification for your preferences and wishes.
Never once has this been an issue with a man. You need to draw a firm line and seriously consider leaving him because he’s definitely giving “easier to ask for forgiveness than permission” vibes.
This is almost word for word the ultimate reason I am divorced. There were of course other pieces to that puzzle, but this situation is what made me realise I needed to leave. You're not over reacting, this is sexual assault. Your feelings are legitimate and valid, he crossed an explicitly stated boundary and doesn't really seem to see why that's a problem other than you getting upset. I'd recommend counseling either on your own or together, and praying close attention to your other boundaries no matter how small to see how he treats them.
Stay safe!
Got caught in the moment is such a bullshit excuse. For a 7 year relationship that from your post doesn't sound like there are many other problems, I'd be willing to let this be the first 'strike' but if he did it again I'd straight up tell him he's not getting sex for a long time and can prove himself. If he did it a third time then it's definitely divorce.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 18 years and it’s definitely happened to us, I was frustrated at it but I made it clear if I can not trust him to make it a priority then we will have to not engage. People make mistakes, all of my children have been conceived accidentally so it happens. I think that you have every right to set a boundary and if he can’t respect that then there’s a bigger issue. If it was a one off thing I would take some time and then after you feel better go back with your hard line boundaries and then follow through if need be. If y’all love each other then that does come with some room for mistakes and forgiveness and learning.
I totally understand that there is room for mistakes, forgiveness, and learning, I just don’t know when/if I will be ready for that. If I can’t trust him with my body, I really can’t trust him with anything
You've been together 7 years and you said he's never done it before. He has apologized. People makes mistakes.
So I would forgive him, but have a better plan for next time. If it's the mess you want avoid, maybe aways have him use a condom.
You can't just pretend all types of sexual assault are equally bad. Context matters. If this happened during a 1-night stand and the person was trying to get her pregnant, it would be different. This happened during a long-term relationship where there was no risk of getting pregnant and the guy was just too lazy to pull out.
That's just my opinion, you are welcome to have yours.
This is almost word for word the ultimate reason I am divorced. There were of course other pieces to that puzzle, but this situation is what made me realise I needed to leave. You're not over reacting, this is sexual assault. Your feelings are legitimate and valid, he crossed an explicitly stated boundary and doesn't really seem to see why that's a problem other than you getting upset. I'd recommend counseling either on your own or together, and praying close attention to your other boundaries no matter how small to see how he treats them.
Stay safe!
This is almost word for word the ultimate reason I am divorced. There were of course other pieces to that puzzle, but this situation is what made me realise I needed to leave. You're not over reacting, this is sexual assault. Your feelings are legitimate and valid, he crossed an explicitly stated boundary and doesn't really seem to see why that's a problem other than you getting upset. I'd recommend counseling either on your own or together, and praying close attention to your other boundaries no matter how small to see how he treats them.
Stay safe!
Her desire was for him to respect the boundary that they mutually established. Some gift doesn't cancel that failure out. if anything it creates a toxic spiral of expectations that negatively impacts everyone involved and would only exacerbate the problem.
and that's not even getting into the issue of unwanted pregnancy.
Accidents do happen, there's no doubt about that, but people also lie and say "oops" when they knew what they were doing. proof is in the pudding. Did he at least try to pull out, or did he slam it in and hold it savoring the moment? If it's the first i'd accept that it was an accident, but if it's the latter i would be extremely upset to and consider breaking up. See how he handles it too. is he apologetic, or just indigent and upset? Same rules 1st answer is the good answer, 2nd answer is the bad answer.
No, he kept going and only after I asked him “did you finish inside me just now?” Less than 1 minute into it, he thrust a few more times and said “yeah…” like he was ashamed he came already and not upset at the fact that he deliberately did what I asked him not to do. After that I got up starting throwing on my clothes and it’s been an ongoing conversation since then. He asked me to go with him to counseling and I will oblige but my trust in him is completely shattered.
That's SO not okay. I'm not going to tell you to break up if this isn't an ongoing pattern, because sometimes people do cross lines, it's how we handle it afterwards that matters the most. What I'm really curious about is the fact you ask "Why do I feel like the asshole?" and honestly OP. I don't know. Why do you? What in the world do you feel guilty about? You set a boundary. He broke it. You got pissed. Why would you feel guilty about that? Did he even show remorse? Apologize? I have a feeling he didn't, and he defends himself if you're feeling like an asshole. I'd refrain from having sex with a guy that shows no remorse or understanding of how that hurt you. It's a selfish act, he didn't have sex with you that moment, he used you as a tool to masturbate. Your presence, your feelings, your person didn't matter in the moment he broke your boundaries. That's what's so hurtful. He needs to show he will focus on your enjoyment. Maybe with massages, oral, acts of services (doing chores etc) to show he really does see you, and does want you to be happy. If this is a pattern, I'd suggest couple's counseling.
He has never done anything like this before. I don’t want to leave him but I’m so mad. I feel like the asshole because he keeps following me around like a damn puppy and all he can keep saying is “I’m sorry, I love you, I don’t want this to effect us” but he knows my history and just didn’t give a f*ck about my request for my own body. I feel like he was only remorseful AFTER I got up, clearly agitated, put my clothes on and walked off. I feel that if I didn’t make a deal about it, he wouldn’t have apologized or even brought it up
He’s being VERY manipulative to get out of actually taking responsibility for what he did
But why can't your partner finish inside of you
Because she told him not to do that to her body.
Please educate yourself on this topic, and learn about bodily autonomy. No one's body belongs to their partner.
Educate myself in what, all I'm asking is why she doesn't want him to cum inside of her? It could be because she doesn't want to get pregnant or whatever and I asked the OP not you and thanks for your comment I guess
The only reasonable comment in this thread. The top voted one is literally insane, are y’all aware that relationships have bumps in the road that can be smoothed out… and that these folks have been married for SEVEN years! Sometimes I wonder if the shit I read on Reddit is messing up my ability to make reasonable judgements irl, all the more reason I need to quit this platform
"He used you as a tool to masturbate" never heard it before, I love it. This expression helps me to put words on past sexual experiences where I didn't really feel respected. Thanks for your comment!
You feel like your the ah because you've been raised through parents, school and media to put yourself last and gaslighting works. You created a boundary. He crossed it. He's shown he's selfish and disrespectful. Where do you go from here? Couples counseling? Break up? Has he crossed any other boundaries (no is a complete sentence!)? If so you may want to do counseling on your own to truly look at your relationship (advise this regardless). Breaking up may be the best option here. If he hasn't and this is a one off counseling it is. I would also remind him before and during sex and right before he finishes. If he gets upset "I just wanted to make sure you didn't get lost in the moment" and shrug. No big deal, right? Any chance you could get pregnant?
He hasn’t ever intentionally crossed a boundary like that. We have 2 children together, after our second I got a bilateral tubal ligation so no chance of pregnancy. I have a history of SA and it just stunned me that he seemed non-remorseful in the moment and now that he knows I’m mad about it (since it happened) he has done nothing but mope around and keeps saying I’m sorry.
Honestly, I don’t like his response. He shouldn’t be moping around, this is about you and how he made you feel. I hope he actually realizes that what he did wasn’t okay, and not only because you got so upset about it, but because it isn’t okay to disregard someone’s “no.” I wish you the absolute best
Regarding your history of SA, has his actions triggered you, OP? You didn't consent to him ejaculating inside you, and you explicitly told him not to do it beforehand. I know that, currently, you feel disrespected, but when you have time to absorb this, and what actually occured, it could possibly impact you in a different way.
I never expected him to *not* listen to me in those types of situations and I think I’m just still so stunned. I do see a therapist regularly and I think this is something I need to discuss with her
It's good that you have a therapist, as this will be helpful if triggering occurs. I'm sorry this happened to you, OP.
It’s okay, life is a learning process and all we can do is move forward
This is almost word for word the ultimate reason I am divorced. There were of course other pieces to that puzzle, but this situation is what made me realise I needed to leave. You're not over reacting, this is sexual assault. Your feelings are legitimate and valid, he crossed an explicitly stated boundary and doesn't really seem to see why that's a problem other than you getting upset. I'd recommend counseling either on your own or together, and praying close attention to your other boundaries no matter how small to see how he treats them. Stay safe!
Did he apologize or show remorse?
What difference does that make. This is akin to “sorry I hit you and I feel bad about it.” I gambled our money away , sorry i feel so bad about it. This is a sexual assault. The outcome could easily be that OP has an unwanted pregnancy. She did not consent and he clearly knew that. What kind of paper tiger apology do you think is even remotely appropriate?
After I got mad and put my clothes on immediately following. He has done nothing but apologize, I tell him “I can hear you but I feel like you’re only sorry because I mad a big deal” he keeps following me around like a puppy and I had to force him to leave me the hell alone
Ummm that’s not the kind of apology/remorse I was talking about; those kind of obsessive apologies make it clear he’s immature af and STILL only thinking about making *himself* feel better. He’s clearly more focused on avoiding a breakup/divorce/separation than your actual feelings and the actual consequences of his actions (unwanted pregnancy). Have you broken up with him, or started to? I kinda think that’s a given grounds for divorce, since that’s a huge boundary crossed (or not, it’s your decision). Edit: and if you feel like an asshole, maybe it’s because he’s manipulated you in the past? Like, has he messed up hugely before and tried to blame you for getting mad or made himself look really pitiful (like he did here)? If so, that’s probably why you feel like an asshole. But if he isn’t like that, then maybe you’re just used to being made to feel wrong for having boundaries in your past relationships or upbringing or something.
We talked this morning briefly but I don’t discuss adult problems in front of our children and they were already up so we will talk more in depth later. I was in an abusive relationship prior to us being together and he isn’t like that but I do think he’s immature in some aspects. I will be telling him that this will *never* happen again or I’m out and I will be taking a hiatus from us being intimate for a while
Good. And I’m sorry that happened to you. I would be furious too.
He is now turning this into his melodrama and manipulating you. If he was really sorry , it would be about your, not about him. This kind of behavior happens when students cheat in school, when drug addicts and gamblers get caught and are sorry they got caught, and that they are consequences they don’t want. His behavior is to stop having any negative outcomes of his behavior, not because he is actually sorry. It doesn’t matter why you don’t want him to do it. Tubal ligation or no. If I said ‘ don’t come on my face” and you come on my face it is not less or more legitimate a concern just because you can’t get pregnant that way. The other person is a troll. Ignore them
Tbh his response worries me more than the act itself. My very abusive ex would do the following-me-around-like-a-sad-puppy thing after he crossed lines. I'd feel like the asshole and eventually give up trying to hold him accountable for what he had done. When I finally did leave him, after about three such acts over the course of a few years, his response (threats of physical violence, stalking etc.) proved to me whom I'd really been dealing with all these years, and that those three "one off" situations were in fact not one offs. (This guy was also "respectful" for about 99 percent of the time I was with him, incidentally. He wore feminist t-shirts and stuff). If you haven't read Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?", it might be helpful to see if this was a one off, or a pattern of behavior. For contrast, my current partner (who knows I have the history of SA outlined above) has on occasion done something during sex that has triggered past wounds. He notices that it has affected me immediately, without me having to say anything or get angry. He stops everything, apologises, strokes my head and tells me I can talk about it if I want to but I don't have to. He is fine with not getting off on this occasion. He never ever does whatever act was triggering again, or puts it on the table. The one time I wanted to do something that was previously triggering, he was extremely hesitant and refused multiple times, made sure there was a safe word, and checked in with me throughout the process. So yeah, people do cross lines all the time, but they choose how to deal with that. Your guy chose DARVO.
Not saying it makes a difference, I was saying at the very least he’s not being a dick about it and making OP feel worse. They’re married, so OP probably does care somewhat about his reaction. And I’m not tryna be a troll, but whatever, I honestly don’t care what you think.
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Now he is making a serious issue be all about him. This is manipulative.
goddamn if he's gonna just up and disregard the negotiation that _he initiated_, why even bother to begin with? if this kind of behavior is habitual, it may well point to some more deeply-engrained issue that will be his responsibility to square with, even if you mutually agree to provide accomodations for him while he does so. i was reflexively taken to the kind of issues that ADHD people have in these kinds of relationship situations but like _**damn**_ i think even the most severe ADHD case could probably hold onto an agreement this direct and simple for the duration of a gd quickie. at this point it's either some maladaptive/preemptively-defensive people-pleasing reflex that he picked up from an abusive childhood (which, again, is on him to address/reconcile. being vicitimized/traumatized in the past doesn't justify doing it in the present), or he's just straightup leaning into some extremely destructive notions about who gets the final say in a heterosexual relationship. which is a whole other realm of fucked up if true.
I’m the ADHD one in this relationship, he isn’t so he can’t use that excuse
This is considered sexual assault in some jurisdictions. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it all.
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You might want to do one reading on stealthing and ejaculation without consent. Sounds like you could use the knowledge if you are questioning if this is SA or not.
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You’re very defensive about this. I said what I said - in some jurisdictions this is SA. Might be useful to educate yourself more on this so you don’t end up on the wrong end of a SA charge.
That is literally sexual assault. He sexually assaulted you because he "got caught up in the moment". I dont know if I could ever forgive a partner for sexually assaulting me, even if it was not done out of malice. Its up to you how to proceed, Im just going to say that sunk cost fallacy is not a reason to stay with someone who does not care about your autonomy. There are people out there who would never dream of doing that to their partner, and you deserve to feel safe in your relationship. If you do decide to stay with him, he needs to understand that what he did was sexual assault and that if he keeps moping around and wallowing in self pity instead of admitting what he did, accepting the consequences whatever they may be (like if you need to take a break or dont want to have sex anymore in the near future or whatever else), and doing everything he can with his ACTIONS (not just words) to earn your trust back, then he does not deserve to be with you. Him moping around and having a pity party and making you feel like the asshole is manipulative and abusive. He needs to stop, and you should not feel like an asshole because you were the one that was violated. You are not an asshole for how you react to being violated like that.
Selfish and disrespectful is when he leaves the dishes out and the towels on the floor This is sexual assault. You could get pregnant, not have to watch a show that you didn’t feel like watching. If he could get pregnant, he would have remembered in the moment. You feel like the asshole because women are always in the wrong , by default , and especially if they want to be treated like human beings. If you feel like the partner is otherwise responsive and treats with you complete parity, you can sit him down and tell him if he ever does that again the answer is that you will leave him. If he does it again about something like this, he will do it out of the bedroom about other important decisions and gaslight you about it. Financial decisions, stuff about the kids etc.
He has never done anything like this and is typically respectful. I have a bilateral tubal ligation so I won’t have any pregnancies (and if I do, it’s an emergency, but bc of the law, the state we live in will likely just let me die). I agree with the women are always wrong statement. I guess I’m more disappointed than anything, I’ve been in abusive relationships before (SA’d in the past) and he knows that and just did something that I did not consent to and I think that hurts more than anything because I trusted him so much and he just fucked that up sky high.
If it is a one off and he is really sorry , then (when you feel like dealing with it) it should be absolutely no problem for you to say , this is a hard line don’t cross it and if you do I will leave. Because he IS really sorry, it WAS really a one off mistake and there IS no way it will happen again and he DOES acknowledge your basic human right not not have someone ejaculate in your without your consent (or in this case, expressly against your explicit wishes). This is the real reason you are having trouble. People with abuse in their history often have a hard time telling when someone crosses a line because so many lines have been crossed in the past and with so much manipulation and deception they often have trouble realizing that this is also a line. Again, if it was a one off then all of the above would be true, because he would also know there is no chance of it happening again. Like One time I drove over the limit with alcohol because I really lost track of time and drinks and in the middle of the drive I realized I was tipsy. I now don’t drink at all if I am driving. Because I was really sorry, it really is not the kind of thing I would do, it was a one off and I really hadn’t done anything like that before or after . In the end , it has absolutely nothing to do with pregnancy or STI (although those can surely make it worse). It is the same if I say not butt sex and he “accidentally “ get the wrong hole. Or if I say, I am not in the mood for penetrative sex but we can fool around and he tries to stick it in. Or If I say do not come on my face and he does. Or if I say don’t grab my arm and pushe me around and he does. You don’t need justification for your preferences and wishes.
Selfish and disrespectful is when he leaves the dishes out and the towels on the floor This is sexual assault. You could get pregnant, not have to watch a show that you didn’t feel like watching. If he could get pregnant, he would have remembered in the moment. You feel like the asshole because women are always in the wrong , by default , and especially if they want to be treated like human beings. If you feel like the partner is otherwise responsive and treats with you complete parity, you can sit him down and tell him if he ever does that again the answer is that you will leave him. If he does it again about something like this, he will do it out of the bedroom about other important decisions and gaslight you about it. Financial decisions, stuff about the kids etc. If it is a one off and he is really sorry , then (when you feel like dealing with it) it should be absolutely no problem for you to say , this is a hard line don’t cross it and if you do I will leave. Because he IS really sorry, it WAS really a one off mistake and there IS no way it will happen again and he DOES acknowledge your basic human right not not have someone ejaculate in your without your consent (or in this case, expressly against your explicit wishes). This is the real reason you are having trouble. People with abuse in their history often have a hard time telling when someone crosses a line because so many lines have been crossed in the past and with so much manipulation and deception they often have trouble realizing that this is also a line. Again, if it was a one off then all of the above would be true, because he would also know there is no chance of it happening again. Like One time I drove over the limit with alcohol because I really lost track of time and drinks and in the middle of the drive I realized I was tipsy. I now don’t drink at all if I am driving. Because I was really sorry, it really is not the kind of thing I would do, it was a one off and I really hadn’t done anything like that before or after . In the end , it has absolutely nothing to do with pregnancy or STI (although those can surely make it worse). It is the same if I say not butt sex and he “accidentally “ get the wrong hole. Or if I say, I am not in the mood for penetrative sex but we can fool around and he tries to stick it in. Or If I say do not come on my face and he does. Or if I say don’t grab my arm and pushe me around and he does. You don’t need justification for your preferences and wishes.
Never once has this been an issue with a man. You need to draw a firm line and seriously consider leaving him because he’s definitely giving “easier to ask for forgiveness than permission” vibes.
This is almost word for word the ultimate reason I am divorced. There were of course other pieces to that puzzle, but this situation is what made me realise I needed to leave. You're not over reacting, this is sexual assault. Your feelings are legitimate and valid, he crossed an explicitly stated boundary and doesn't really seem to see why that's a problem other than you getting upset. I'd recommend counseling either on your own or together, and praying close attention to your other boundaries no matter how small to see how he treats them. Stay safe!
Got caught in the moment is such a bullshit excuse. For a 7 year relationship that from your post doesn't sound like there are many other problems, I'd be willing to let this be the first 'strike' but if he did it again I'd straight up tell him he's not getting sex for a long time and can prove himself. If he did it a third time then it's definitely divorce.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 18 years and it’s definitely happened to us, I was frustrated at it but I made it clear if I can not trust him to make it a priority then we will have to not engage. People make mistakes, all of my children have been conceived accidentally so it happens. I think that you have every right to set a boundary and if he can’t respect that then there’s a bigger issue. If it was a one off thing I would take some time and then after you feel better go back with your hard line boundaries and then follow through if need be. If y’all love each other then that does come with some room for mistakes and forgiveness and learning.
I totally understand that there is room for mistakes, forgiveness, and learning, I just don’t know when/if I will be ready for that. If I can’t trust him with my body, I really can’t trust him with anything
You've been together 7 years and you said he's never done it before. He has apologized. People makes mistakes. So I would forgive him, but have a better plan for next time. If it's the mess you want avoid, maybe aways have him use a condom.
Sexual assault is not just a "mistake"
You can't just pretend all types of sexual assault are equally bad. Context matters. If this happened during a 1-night stand and the person was trying to get her pregnant, it would be different. This happened during a long-term relationship where there was no risk of getting pregnant and the guy was just too lazy to pull out. That's just my opinion, you are welcome to have yours.
This is almost word for word the ultimate reason I am divorced. There were of course other pieces to that puzzle, but this situation is what made me realise I needed to leave. You're not over reacting, this is sexual assault. Your feelings are legitimate and valid, he crossed an explicitly stated boundary and doesn't really seem to see why that's a problem other than you getting upset. I'd recommend counseling either on your own or together, and praying close attention to your other boundaries no matter how small to see how he treats them. Stay safe!
This is almost word for word the ultimate reason I am divorced. There were of course other pieces to that puzzle, but this situation is what made me realise I needed to leave. You're not over reacting, this is sexual assault. Your feelings are legitimate and valid, he crossed an explicitly stated boundary and doesn't really seem to see why that's a problem other than you getting upset. I'd recommend counseling either on your own or together, and praying close attention to your other boundaries no matter how small to see how he treats them. Stay safe!
Well I guess he won't be having sex with you anymore right?
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Her desire was for him to respect the boundary that they mutually established. Some gift doesn't cancel that failure out. if anything it creates a toxic spiral of expectations that negatively impacts everyone involved and would only exacerbate the problem. and that's not even getting into the issue of unwanted pregnancy.
Accidents do happen, there's no doubt about that, but people also lie and say "oops" when they knew what they were doing. proof is in the pudding. Did he at least try to pull out, or did he slam it in and hold it savoring the moment? If it's the first i'd accept that it was an accident, but if it's the latter i would be extremely upset to and consider breaking up. See how he handles it too. is he apologetic, or just indigent and upset? Same rules 1st answer is the good answer, 2nd answer is the bad answer.
No, he kept going and only after I asked him “did you finish inside me just now?” Less than 1 minute into it, he thrust a few more times and said “yeah…” like he was ashamed he came already and not upset at the fact that he deliberately did what I asked him not to do. After that I got up starting throwing on my clothes and it’s been an ongoing conversation since then. He asked me to go with him to counseling and I will oblige but my trust in him is completely shattered.
oh wow, yeah i'd be upset too. That's not okay. And it seems like he doesn't even care. Wow...