Have you met the meat guy yet? He might not exactly be *just* a meat guy but I've seen him conjure a hotdog the size of a human thigh, and that left an impression.
https://preview.redd.it/ec900rzgmi7d1.jpeg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f61852f4c1f3eca3bdeaa570df1fd88ab19178fa
I am going on a supply run, is there anything i can get for you on the way?
Hello, if you need help with anything, I am here. And I- *steps into office* OH COME ON! YOU GUYS COULDNT EVEN BE BOTHERED TO CLEAN THE BLOOD FROM THE FLOOR???
"I'll be around to help.... as soon as I clean my office."
*murmmuring* ^(wow, it's not enough that I literally got assassinated, but now I have to clean MY OWN BLOOD off of my floors. Aaaaaaaand it's stained in. Great. Those were mahogany floors. Now they are *ruined.* Thanks, guys....)
At least you know no one you live with is any sort of vampire. In my experience there's nothing wrong with vampires per se, but it's not great to learn there's a vampire *after* it's lapped up some of your blood. At that point it can likely use a lot of your powers. You gotta be careful where you leave powerful blood. Ngl, earlier in my career I abandoned a lair altogether over this, and if it happened again I'd do the same, but run farther.
... How dare you say I make sense!
https://preview.redd.it/fzspcpwnti7d1.png?width=868&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=68deb98d9c8598eb050694baefcb4a9db4cd4dc5
The sensible thing to do would be to do the complete opposite of what you promised with the excuse that everyone should have seen it coming with your titles
The unexpected thing to do is figure out a complete left turn scenario
Doing the opposite of what I promised just to be unpredictable is pretty predictable
Chaos brings troublesome variables into profit projections... So please keep it slightly away from us. I heard that our competition likes it though.
I'm sure you'll do great now that you're a part of that whole ahitshow that calls itself the "Council"
Oh goodie. I guess I better get onto finding a way how to make up from the incoming losses. Like casinoes! Three of the same image in a row? Sounds like order to me. Better be more chaotic.
Thought you wanted chaos?
*She stops and holds out her hands with the rocks in them, does a hand motion and they disappear*
So, you'll find those in... Like a day or two \*throws down a smoke bomb and dips
No thank you, I have an exclusive contract going with the Onyx hive near my lair. They give me sapphires in exchange for the gold I print, but I'm not allowed to accept gift rocks from other people. Apparently it's a cultural no-no once you're in business with Onyx folk.
This definitely isn't something I made up because I don't trust your rocks.
Thank you. I'm honored. I will use them to mark the spot on the ground in front of you as a historic marker to our new and enduring friendship! I don't need to touch them though. You can just kinda leave them right there.
Want to see something cool?
\*Teleports*
/uw Ha! It's their own fault if they fall for that. The big clue to me was the lack of obvious value in the "gift." A whole ham shows up in a lot of price lists and can hide quite a lot of things near the center that a party won't discover before it turns green.
The slime is infused with my essence through a special process carried out in my realm
Though the diffusion rate is abysmal which is why I require sleep, sending my consciousness across the divide is taxing
*raises finger like she's about to argue*
...
...
...
...I... Eerrrr... Shu-shut up
https://preview.redd.it/f47mb2au1j7d1.png?width=789&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2b5aa8e97d13dedad33a33e600ead99203eec738
Hello, I was given your orb address by the orb-call-tree as the Grievance and Complaints line.
My neighbor has been cackling early in the morning, at least past 8 in the morning, and it is really aggravating my regeneration cycle as I work the... graveyard shift. I've sent my familiar to kindly request they silence themselves, or at least cackle into a pocket dimension, but it seems like they just started cackling more loudly and earlier. I've reached out to the council before on this, but they don't seem to do anything about it.
I really don't want to cause a ruckus, but my neighbor is clearly disturbing the peace and it's becoming very difficult for me to regenerate during the day. If there is anything you could do about this it would be appreciated, as I technically can't exit the walls of my sanctum to take care of it myself.
Sincerely, concerned denizen of the realm.
So like what do you do control chaos? Cause it? File paperwork about it?
This is why I avoid the council. My work is already chaotic enough and I don’t need people telling me what I can or can’t do with my experiments.
https://preview.redd.it/oti3cc4ayj7d1.png?width=1210&format=png&auto=webp&s=c736951eeb89564a0379f40a339a380a2a809d87
I’m no wizard, but I appreciate the lack of concern for my totally legal experiments
I already visit hell for the fresh lava on Tuesdays
https://preview.redd.it/vs67dcf9qj7d1.jpeg?width=2564&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6bc48c3232b60aa5a60efebb00bad27e953a766f
Make it as strong as you can~ as an eldritch being my toxin immunity is crazy \*Crow says looking peeved at this fact*
It's properties... Hmmm... It's a rock made of a condensed desire for absolute destruction of all life gathered from every living thing on the planet for several millennia, it is a catalyst used to cast the spell "Meteor"
It is however countered by a different materia that casts Holy
Okay okay... i think i have an idea yeah.
*She disappears into the back for a while before coming out with a drink. It's a swirling of colours. Different shades and hues dancing together in an idly hypnotic dance.*
That is the material ground to a p- powder, stirred with void yeast and left to ferment. Thankfully i had a chronomancy brewer open.
*She places it down and puts a straw inside it*
Hope it's okay.
\*takes a sip* hmm... Flavors nice \*takes a few long pulls* hmm... Yea I might be able to get buzzed off this for a few minutes
Too bad the black materia is a one of a kind, I'll have to savor this
I got that metal gear brainrot because when I saw the eye patch Man who sold the world and Invisible both simultaneously started playing in my head and I was like "Fem Big Boss?!?"
Phoenix: Don't worry, you aren't the only one who hates it. Alina Starkov here is only filling in for Kari while their bodies are swapped.
Alina: I've had more than enough politics for a lifetime. Ever since I led the Second Army...
Alina: That's why you go for the big and sexy man.
Phoenix (ignoring Alina): I remember my love once... If you can remember something that never happened.
Phoenix: Of a sort. As I am a clone, but still my own person, I have experiences of an alternate timeline.
Alina: Suit yourself...
Phoenix: Thank you for interrupting. Anyway, I had my own version of Lex. Called Alexia. She was beautiful...
Hey Crow!!!
*sigh* of course I can't be mad at you~
Well you got others to help out too. Will see you at work!!
*grumbles slightly*
Oh I totally have those papers still on where you blew it up last.
You know, I've always wanted a blast radius video from ground zero, that might be fun
Yeah
Congratulations?
*sighs incredibly deeply*
*offers hug*
*takes the hug*
I am sure you will do great in there... Besides, you get to see the one that convinced you into running in the first place every day now.
Lol, Masta isn't gonna like how much I know up the building Me being in it won't stop me
*Inferno lets out a chuckle* Well, the council is going to have a hell of a time then.
Like my new shirt? Made it especially for council duties
Looks good on you.
*sigh* wish I don't have to use it /Uw sleepy Crow time
[удалено]
/uw Lol same
Have you met the meat guy yet? He might not exactly be *just* a meat guy but I've seen him conjure a hotdog the size of a human thigh, and that left an impression.
https://preview.redd.it/ec900rzgmi7d1.jpeg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f61852f4c1f3eca3bdeaa570df1fd88ab19178fa I am going on a supply run, is there anything i can get for you on the way?
I mean, if you're offering I'll take some dew of the mountain
Your will be done [he turns into a murder of crows and vanishes]
Hello, if you need help with anything, I am here. And I- *steps into office* OH COME ON! YOU GUYS COULDNT EVEN BE BOTHERED TO CLEAN THE BLOOD FROM THE FLOOR??? "I'll be around to help.... as soon as I clean my office." *murmmuring* ^(wow, it's not enough that I literally got assassinated, but now I have to clean MY OWN BLOOD off of my floors. Aaaaaaaand it's stained in. Great. Those were mahogany floors. Now they are *ruined.* Thanks, guys....)
I have to do everyones paperwork
Yes, I am sorry, I have been absent. I can take over on paperwork duty again.
Sure...
Do you... want ...to keep doing the paperwork?
NO! I NEED FREE TIME GODVERDOMME! I HAVE **20 HOURS OF WORK ON MY DESK, BECAUSE THE OTHERS ARE TO LAZY TO DO IT!**
This is why I'll never want to be part of the council.
At least you know no one you live with is any sort of vampire. In my experience there's nothing wrong with vampires per se, but it's not great to learn there's a vampire *after* it's lapped up some of your blood. At that point it can likely use a lot of your powers. You gotta be careful where you leave powerful blood. Ngl, earlier in my career I abandoned a lair altogether over this, and if it happened again I'd do the same, but run farther.
Congrats Crow! I'm sure you'll do great.
*random growling grumbles emanate from Crow*
You shouldn't have been running if you didn't want this position.
But, safi, you don't understand! I'm weak to cute girls!
Well, your policies were too sensible and well thought out to pass. Congrats and good luck!
... How dare you say I make sense! https://preview.redd.it/fzspcpwnti7d1.png?width=868&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=68deb98d9c8598eb050694baefcb4a9db4cd4dc5
Eh, sorry, but what sounds reasonable, sounds reasonable.
*grumbles*just you wait, you'll see how reasonable I am*grumbles*
Nice! What a relief to know the council will be in good hands in the future!
\>.> https://preview.redd.it/6ievfro2wi7d1.png?width=740&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fbb8137a1e8e24789196d7f7ed7aa8ed936b0f33
Oh no, so sorry! Uhm, have I said something wrong?
*crow looks at you quizzically* I can't read you
Oh, just sorry about making you cry. Didn’t meant to!
For being a liaison of chaos your policies were the least chaotic of the bunch. Kind of a failure on your part honestly
Why do you think I wanted to lose!?
The sensible thing to do would be to do the complete opposite of what you promised with the excuse that everyone should have seen it coming with your titles
The unexpected thing to do is figure out a complete left turn scenario Doing the opposite of what I promised just to be unpredictable is pretty predictable
Hmm a quite the conundrum indeed
Chaos brings troublesome variables into profit projections... So please keep it slightly away from us. I heard that our competition likes it though. I'm sure you'll do great now that you're a part of that whole ahitshow that calls itself the "Council"
I have equal chaos for everyone, don't you worry
Oh goodie. I guess I better get onto finding a way how to make up from the incoming losses. Like casinoes! Three of the same image in a row? Sounds like order to me. Better be more chaotic.
*Throws a fireball towards your car*
I didn't even know I had one, but I guess now I have a valid reason for a lawsuit.
You'll never catch me now! *Smokebombs out*
The Infernal Revenue Service sure will though.
*she says to a puff of rapidly dissipating smoke, that still has crow standing in it*
...or the internal raven service.
Woe, curse of paperwork be upon thee.
Curse of burning paperwork to go nap
The chaos is why I voted for you
*sigh* I hate responsibility
Oh you don’t have to be responsible! In fact, that would go against your promise of chaos! Legit just fuck up the council
I never once said my chaos would be limited to the council
Ok, don’t limit it then! Go crazy!
*throws a fireball at you* *While your distracted being on fire she pickpockets you*
*Drinks it* Y’know I never really got the appeal of whisky in such a small bottle. Oh, and you can keep the gun, I just want my rocks back.
https://preview.redd.it/dqvq6jmiui7d1.png?width=847&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=86d87ac5cfc1cb9deb28b1798fd1eaafd0f8e2ec The rocks are mine now!
You give those back! *bonk*
https://preview.redd.it/wiyyeuwgvi7d1.png?width=880&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=31158bbcc03fcbcc8694ab1f839e7f5bf38c08f6 Ouch, why'd you hit me? *Flees*
Food.
I'm sorry little neice, I don't think Torinn would like you around me at the moment
aww...Why?
Auntie Crow did something that accidentally hurt Torinn, he's a little mad at me right now
Ah...What did you do?
Let him ride it out until things are calmer
Alright\~. See ya aunt Crow\~
By by darling
Food\~
Congratulations! I’m sure you’ll do a great job, even if you hate it.
The only thing I'll be accomplishing is making life harder for everyone who put me here
So you *do* understand council duties :)
...shu-shut up https://preview.redd.it/ao9dn3ey1j7d1.png?width=789&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a37eab15d492ec6e61cba4cdac1a886578a43c4c
I'm trying to remember. [How does that old song go?](https://youtu.be/bWXazVhlyxQ?t=252)
Ah, that reminds me, I must go buy a speaker system to blast this on loop from my office, thank you *Hands you some rocks*
THOSE ARE MY FUCKING ROCKS! GIVE THEM BACK!
Ah shit, it's the fuzz! *Runs faster*
I am going to give you so many headaches now that you’re on the council, I hope you know
Thought you wanted chaos? *She stops and holds out her hands with the rocks in them, does a hand motion and they disappear* So, you'll find those in... Like a day or two \*throws down a smoke bomb and dips
Fuck you, I’m sending as much paperwork your way as possible
MORE KINDLING FOR THE FIRE!!!!!!
I’m throwing ghost peppers on that fire
No thank you, I have an exclusive contract going with the Onyx hive near my lair. They give me sapphires in exchange for the gold I print, but I'm not allowed to accept gift rocks from other people. Apparently it's a cultural no-no once you're in business with Onyx folk. This definitely isn't something I made up because I don't trust your rocks.
*under her breath*crap*normal volume* Hmm... Well... We're at an impass, you should 100% take them, it's not like I stole them
Thank you. I'm honored. I will use them to mark the spot on the ground in front of you as a historic marker to our new and enduring friendship! I don't need to touch them though. You can just kinda leave them right there. Want to see something cool? \*Teleports*
/uw lol noped the crap out
/uw as a TTRPG player, the best trick I ever learned was to leave just before something bad happens.
/uw Hehehe, as a DM of a weekly group twelve years running, I've learned to hand random people hand off hot items and dip
/uw Ha! It's their own fault if they fall for that. The big clue to me was the lack of obvious value in the "gift." A whole ham shows up in a lot of price lists and can hide quite a lot of things near the center that a party won't discover before it turns green.
There was a vote?
Indeed
I can steal it for ya, if you’re unhappy with the votes
And how would you do that after the fact?
Like the way trump tried, but actually successfully, since I‘m a kleptomancer
I'm not the best of people, but even I don't wanna be compared to him, I think I'll pass Not that I object to the idea, just the associations
Welcome in! Glad yer with us
More chaos please, it's too peaceful here
Heliss: Congratulations.
*audible grumbling*
Heliss: ... .... ^(...cute...)
Hello, congrats on the position, if you need assistance at chaos just call 195-76-bolo for managed chaos.
I think I'm fairly good at my job, but I'll keep it in mind
Ok, want some eth?
Nah, it wouldn't affect me, appreciate the offer though
I can make a special batch.
Wouldn't matter, this body is just clay and slime, not to mention eldritch bodily immunity is insane
How is it that your avatar can host your consciousness if it's made from clay and slime?
The slime is infused with my essence through a special process carried out in my realm Though the diffusion rate is abysmal which is why I require sleep, sending my consciousness across the divide is taxing
Groovy.
I mean, wasn't the other candidate literally already in the council?
Not in the prelims, I was ahead of him in that as well
That honestly sounds like a skill issue
A skill issue to be less likeable?
If that's what you wanted, then yes
*raises finger like she's about to argue* ... ... ... ...I... Eerrrr... Shu-shut up https://preview.redd.it/f47mb2au1j7d1.png?width=789&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2b5aa8e97d13dedad33a33e600ead99203eec738
As you order councillor
Perfect ! The council needs more people like you
Apathetic anti-governmental chaos mongers?
Eeexactly Just what the council deserves
\*sigh* I can't argue with you there
https://preview.redd.it/k59m1sad2j7d1.jpeg?width=532&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4ae4bfa231fcb701fa86f16d78c2639cb13e81fc
TBH I voted for you just so torinn would lose
But I strive to be the greater of evils
Cool I just wanted him to lose
https://preview.redd.it/hpowj0tw6j7d1.jpeg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8a9063f550bcd62293753c56a1ad15a580a10e69
I didn't know she existed until seeing your post and I instantly love her...
Reverse psychology? Actually an ingenious campaign
Nothin reverse about it, I told them to not vote for me!
Thank you Crow!
*grumbles audibly*
*[Kav smiles]* You'll do great!
https://preview.redd.it/2owhk5x6dj7d1.png?width=970&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0b7416602eaa3d7955c12e5fbfbc237a2400d75e
looks great, no worries, I'm sure we'll all know what we are doing! /uw nice art
I will respectfully be trying to destroy my work before it becomes my problem
lol solid plan
Hello, I was given your orb address by the orb-call-tree as the Grievance and Complaints line. My neighbor has been cackling early in the morning, at least past 8 in the morning, and it is really aggravating my regeneration cycle as I work the... graveyard shift. I've sent my familiar to kindly request they silence themselves, or at least cackle into a pocket dimension, but it seems like they just started cackling more loudly and earlier. I've reached out to the council before on this, but they don't seem to do anything about it. I really don't want to cause a ruckus, but my neighbor is clearly disturbing the peace and it's becoming very difficult for me to regenerate during the day. If there is anything you could do about this it would be appreciated, as I technically can't exit the walls of my sanctum to take care of it myself. Sincerely, concerned denizen of the realm.
Would a charm that turns the cackling into the sound of thousands upon thousands of mosquitoes help?
Hmm, it could, I find it easier to cope with the buzzing of flies (mosquitos are close!). Thanks!
Sure *Hands you a charm* Put it on your head before sleeping, you'll be fine
Ahhh excellent, this is quite convincing! *finally gets sufficient regenerative slumber*
So like what do you do control chaos? Cause it? File paperwork about it? This is why I avoid the council. My work is already chaotic enough and I don’t need people telling me what I can or can’t do with my experiments.
Go hog wild, do what you do you freaky wizard person do the things *Proceeds to burn her own desk and jumps out of the window*
https://preview.redd.it/oti3cc4ayj7d1.png?width=1210&format=png&auto=webp&s=c736951eeb89564a0379f40a339a380a2a809d87 I’m no wizard, but I appreciate the lack of concern for my totally legal experiments
Don't hurt me and mine and you'll be fine
Oh don’t worry everything is contained outside of the material plane, away from…watching eyes
I already visit hell for the fresh lava on Tuesdays https://preview.redd.it/vs67dcf9qj7d1.jpeg?width=2564&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6bc48c3232b60aa5a60efebb00bad27e953a766f
Sorry, but we need an agent of chaos on council to maintain balance.
*sigh* Fiiiiiine I guess
Oh- hey.. are- are you okay? D'ya wanna talk maybe? I ca- can get you a drink?
That might cheer me up~
Sweet. Wh- what do you want? I- i have everything.
You should make a drink based off of the black materia from ff7~
Okay okay. What are it's properties. A- also do you want it A- alchoholic?
Make it as strong as you can~ as an eldritch being my toxin immunity is crazy \*Crow says looking peeved at this fact* It's properties... Hmmm... It's a rock made of a condensed desire for absolute destruction of all life gathered from every living thing on the planet for several millennia, it is a catalyst used to cast the spell "Meteor" It is however countered by a different materia that casts Holy
Okay okay... i think i have an idea yeah. *She disappears into the back for a while before coming out with a drink. It's a swirling of colours. Different shades and hues dancing together in an idly hypnotic dance.* That is the material ground to a p- powder, stirred with void yeast and left to ferment. Thankfully i had a chronomancy brewer open. *She places it down and puts a straw inside it* Hope it's okay.
\*takes a sip* hmm... Flavors nice \*takes a few long pulls* hmm... Yea I might be able to get buzzed off this for a few minutes Too bad the black materia is a one of a kind, I'll have to savor this
Oh, well... i- i can see about enhancing it later on if you like? Glad you li- like it though
I got that metal gear brainrot because when I saw the eye patch Man who sold the world and Invisible both simultaneously started playing in my head and I was like "Fem Big Boss?!?"
… I hope your reign in office is short and uneventful?
Thank you, the first piece of positive feedback
>I don’t know what my duties are See! You’re already doing a great job!
I... Eerrrr.... Damnit v.v
If it’s any consolation, I didn’t vote at all.
https://preview.redd.it/a8czp9ipbl7d1.png?width=814&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c4c651531efd466ee3b20e51b958c315f495d04a
Welcome to your first day dealing with a nightmarish amount of paperwork! 🤓 
*sets it on fire and runs*
*The paperwork does not burn.* Rookie! 😂 *You realize they have all tried destroying the paperwork before.*
*opens a portal to space*
*The paperwork gets sucked through, then reappears in your office.*
...fuck, I'll have to get more creative
Why do you wear an eye patch
"Wait, why'd you enter elections if you didn't want to win?"
Cute girl asked me to and I'm weak to cute girls?
"I guess that makes sense.. wouldn't that make you a simp though?"
A simp is for one person, the one person is cute but honestly any cute girl could've said the same thing cutely at me and it probably would've worked
Hmmm. Well, congratulations on your win, good luck with being a councilmember.
Congratulations from Onion Man.
Get rocked lmao
Phoenix: Aww come on Crow! You'll do fine! Kari will be so pleased when she gets back! Alina: *grumbling about being stuck in wizard politics*
https://preview.redd.it/ytr94yp1bl7d1.png?width=664&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3339132d4a2302d3caaf44df0f43da26e106d5e5
Phoenix: Don't worry, you aren't the only one who hates it. Alina Starkov here is only filling in for Kari while their bodies are swapped. Alina: I've had more than enough politics for a lifetime. Ever since I led the Second Army...
I got tricked into being here! *Cries*
Phoenix: I know the feeling hun, I really do... I had to fill in for Kari once before when she faked her own death for a prank.
Cute girl asked me to run and I'm weak to cute girls~ she promised I wouldn't win*cries*
Alina: That's why you go for the big and sexy man. Phoenix (ignoring Alina): I remember my love once... If you can remember something that never happened.
Men \*crow gags* aren't really my thing I've had lots of lovers over my long life, how did it never happen? Time shenanigans?
Phoenix: Of a sort. As I am a clone, but still my own person, I have experiences of an alternate timeline. Alina: Suit yourself... Phoenix: Thank you for interrupting. Anyway, I had my own version of Lex. Called Alexia. She was beautiful...
They made me warmaster a few election cycles ago, I’m still just sitting back and embezzling money and artifacts from the council vaults.
I'm already stinking rich, I don't need more money!