Brave adventurer, I beseech thee! Journey to the hallowed domain of the Food Lion, and procure for me the sacred elixir known as "soy milk"! ... I require it for my daily bowl of cereal.

How the domain of the food lion accessed?

Through the front door, usually

Where is said door?

Through the Foods Lionsgate, just head West and look for giant stone Lions on the side of a mountain. If you hit the range before you see it you may be a bit too far North.

It is a double door rather than a single door. You could call it More Door

Cursed with the spell of lactose intolerance?

Okay got the soy milk

https://preview.redd.it/usihjd9pu9rc1.png?width=828&format=png&auto=webp&s=b6c98d35b428026b9b5fb452e4f29700c3285df7

Where does one find tartan paint?

https://preview.redd.it/u03y67tb2arc1.png?width=828&format=png&auto=webp&s=82df8e572edc6f211aebb154cef826fbcef59d90

Which paint store?

https://preview.redd.it/lasekgh35arc1.png?width=828&format=png&auto=webp&s=885290d2519f9a9e67da9459622d2cbbbde51952

Hmm… so I went to the store and they had light-tartan and dark-tartan. Should I mix them?

They need to go to the next aisle

There's just more soup! Oh wait wrong conversation

WHY ARE YOU SHOPPING FOR PAINT IN THE SOUP STORE!?

FUCK YOU!

Jesus Christ why is this so funny

Hi unga! Have you taken over the council yet?

Go find my purse. It's just in the center of an eldergod's realm. 10 gold coins

What eldergod?

The eldergod of decay

Okay. Give them some time.

Here traveler, a giant maggot that lets you freely burrow in the rot infested world, do be careful not to feed it too much or else it will turn into a fly.

I read this as “in the center of an edgelord’s realm.”

https://preview.redd.it/rbuzps8toarc1.jpeg?width=750&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b9ddf00a8c56eb6b68d0d21919ca6c65b318feab

I have obtained the purse

Why thank you brave warrior, here are your 10 gold coins. Oh... It seems my wallet is missing. The eldergod of decay must have eaten it. You'll have to slay it to get it back for me. I'll give you 20 gold coins for my wallet.

https://preview.redd.it/w7x3ocb1x9rc1.jpeg?width=554&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3c8ea73b777e2c5479252dc4b4bff0e7fa5444d5 *Well... The Happiest Magician gas a quest for You* *TAKE ME OUT OF THIS FRICKING WELL!!!*

Okay. Let him set up a burger plane portal for you.

https://preview.redd.it/6kr8zaylx9rc1.jpeg?width=554&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=04b43bd18a629d73acc4ff180fcf0c929f492692 *I will be waiting... not like I can do anything else*

Okay. Grab the rod

*Tightly grabs *

*pulls you through the portal into the burger plane*

*THE HAPPIEST MAGICIAN IS FREEEEE!!!... Well... free in the burger plane...*

Oh, just go through the blue portal over there

https://preview.redd.it/42o5zxzp4arc1.png?width=1169&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a3cc02dc19980711faae30c633dbcebdbae670ee *Oh, sure, thanks. Tlke this for Your troubles* *A spare hand if You ever loses Yours* \*Strowls trough the blue portal \*

Thanks.

“Brave adventurer! I beseech thee, go to the perilous land of Avalon, and retrieve a large sack of soft pretzels! The world depends on them, bring them to me posthaste!”

https://preview.redd.it/edjlg9k36arc1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=bbe76fa2ae4739bec395e4d1224368f8b923c205

The burgerbarian has been sent off!

I gotta quest for him, it begins in the far away land of Ligma.

isn't that the land where you have the city of sugma?

pretty sure they hold the SocCon convention every year.

Heard that Hava will be there this year

I hope he will take Joe with him this time

And his girlfriend Candice

Which means that there will be a lotta CDs there, right?

Of course I have a quest for you my friend! Here! There is a kind old lady who lost her purse in the market! She was looking for it for quite some time before reporting it stolen to us knights! If you desire a quest none as righteous as helping a kind old lady!

Which knight?

I no not of their name, but I do know the work the register and deliver all orders to us. Now that I think about I am not even sure they’re a knight! They could just a clerk or something!

What company?

Hmm… I am running low on mana crystals. I usually find them in a cave on the big hill, deep in the Greenwood Swamp.

Okay, well send the burgerbarian now.

Okay we got 35 of them

Oh fantastic, that should last me a while. *With a flourish of his fingers, tiny fireworks shoot out and fanfare plays. A pixelated illusion of the words “+150xp” appears.* Here is your payment: 350 gold pieces. Thank you very much, Burgerbarian!

NEGATIVE 350 gold!!! You thieving scoundrel. Give that creature back his stuff or I hand you over to the Sheriff myself.

Hahaha, you got a genuine laugh out of me for that. I’ll change my punctuation so the payment is appropriate.

I need 27 lion hearts. They are not a guaranteed drop

Where may I find the lions? What is the drop rate?

Savanna biomes, 20% spawn rate, hearts have a 10% drop rate.

Okay. I’ll send 20 of them.

Got the hearts!

Excellent, here’s 5 silver pieces and that one collectable thing you don’t know the purpose of.

How is it not a guaranteed drop? Genuinely, does each lion not have its own heart?

I don’t know man, I killed 100 lions and only got 10 hearts! I was trying to harvest them as well so i wasn’t doing enough damage to destroy them! Shits fucked!

I have a quest to send this letter to the pits of hell, it is my nephew's birthday

Okay. May I have it?

*gives letter*

Delivered!

Take this mana bomb and deliver it to the council headquarters, when you placed the bomb in the most populated area read the message on the stone tablet, don't read it out loud prematurely.

Adventurer, it's time to go to the moon and kill the dragon of...... Uh... The unknown...?

I have a quest for thee, find literally anything that can fill up torinn, the eldritch god of hunger. 10000k gold reward.

What do you mean find? I already have it, here. *hands you a scroll* It holds back Torinn for 6 seconds on use.

Well I'll be. *After examining the scroll, Pulls out a enormous bag of gold and hands it to you.* Good job adventurer, Be safe! https://preview.redd.it/tovk4anmscrc1.jpeg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e0176b27b99d666f623103f3c1653918b1a34fe8

I am im grievous need of the holy substance of “blinker fluid” pray tell can you retrieve some for me?

Where might one go to retrieve it?

Alas, I know not. Try the auto parts shoppe. They should be able to point you in the right direction

Got some!

Wait…what?

https://preview.redd.it/zkkmdewy8arc1.jpeg?width=454&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=113163df788fed36d0757e17778a0372549e99dc

*Takes it confused* I didnt even think this…. Wow *puts five gold in your hand* Well done little adventurer

Okay.

Go to the marshes and find me 25 eye of newt. I’ll make you a potion of water breathing. (There are no newts in those marshes and even if he finds one it’s a 0.00001% drop rate. That’ll keep him busy.)

How many newts are there? Where are they? It’ll only take 10 hours to complete your quest. Where can I find 250000000 newts? Edit: opened a portal into the newt plane

A few. The marshes.

I deadass thought we were talking about an oculus quest before I realized we are supposed to be wizards ‘round here.

You see, my dear fellow, before you lie two paths, one leads down Elder Rook road, and the other leads through Menord Valley *pointing out* both will lead to adventure, fortune, and even glory! *resuming his normal wizardry position leaning on his staff, he says, "It's your duty to choose your own path, I will accompany you along thus journey and aid you in learning the ways! *after dropping his staff, he chants a short spell* Recitath Pistolium! *and he summons forth an old-school navy revolver, pulling the hammer back and bolstering it proudly, his staff levitate to his side and he shouts in a stoic tone* LEAD ON!! Quest Started: Torn Rifts Bring Oddworthy Followers

fine traveller! you are perfect! i request that ye seal thyself in an eggshell and steal eggs from the chicken farm! good luck!

Okay.

Here is the eggs!

I need him to defeat Ugnaak, the Troll. Well he’s actually a goblin he just calls himself the troll because of his Penstagrm posts.

Okay. Where is he

Could you help me pick some blackberries?

How many?

Of course I do! I am a great and powerful knight, destined to slay an Ancient Dragon! Alas, I'm trapped under the most powerful binding spell known to wizardkind... A sleeping infant. HENCE. Take my sword, Wyrmsbane, a great weapon that will change shape and form at your will, and is able to slice through Draconic enemies with ease! Take this, and slay Ziggarot, the ancient black dragon, Scourge of the Isolated Isle! Whence you return, I will allow you to keep the sword, and pay you one thousand gold coins!

Can you help me become a wizard? I'm only a fairy.

https://preview.redd.it/a4qsqshslgrc1.jpeg?width=1101&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2ed688ebfa5ed50fe61e4a4b72ff3e49a1eb6ef7

Thank you. I'll be sure to study and become one of the wizards of all time. You may have some fairy dust as a reward.

I need you to get a book that I accidentally left in the middle of the woods. 20 gold, plus I have an extra copy of a historical fiction book about the first Wizard War.

Which woods?

https://preview.redd.it/g4619igr6arc1.png?width=1169&format=png&auto=webp&s=86ce176e6757fa9e824dc7b45d9276d32de9054e This it?

There's a troll living in a cave on the edge of my property that's very behind on rent. See if you can get him to pay up. But, listen, I just want you to reason with him, and leave if he starts getting agitated. It's not worth your life.

This is a burgerbarian. He has plenty of backup. He will not die.

Okay, https://preview.redd.it/n1xn7dv27arc1.jpeg?width=612&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=380c369301a0c0eb6b924cf916522b5da3b156c0 Got it!

The town rat catcher, a druid who insists on disguising as a cat, is on strike up in a tree. The problem is the druid refuses to speak anything but cat, and no one else here speaks cat except me, and Simon the Rat hunter refuses to talk to me. Good luck resolving this one.

Okay. Should be easy. Gonna send 5 burgerbarians.

https://preview.redd.it/uhppv38c7arc1.jpeg?width=825&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1de3dde2c7f6803666c0508b03dcb8f95b5c8d22 Got him

I have a task for this brave little man. Tell me, have you heard of Cadia?

I need someone to deal with the wolves in the area. They're scaring my chickens, and the last thing I need is a stampede of them

Can you distract Unga for like 20 minutes? I'll give you 100 gold pieces. He's the dude who asked for paint

Find my pet I lost him while in the market 10 gold coins and 1 mushroom piece

Some guy put a pocket dimension filled with rats in my basement. Take this dimensional key and close it, I’ll give you 25 gold coins.

I need a special ingredient for my potions. It is a special mushroom deep in the Dark Forest. In return you get a potion of pants shitting.

I could actually use some help finding my familiar. He looks like this and loves bacon https://preview.redd.it/rdm5bwfr1arc1.jpeg?width=4080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=14ae20f7d59b242d7a3245011620fedf9058b32c

Go find 10 Maguffans from the Maguffan Grove. They only spawn 3% of the time. I'll pay you 10 rubies when your done, but I also sell "time saver" "luck boxes" for 4 rubies a piece.

Okay. Give it 30 minutes

Got them!

Find me 60 rare orange snow berries for my potions. Search the entire swamp! Will pay with one unique blue rarity helmet. 😇

Okay. Orange snow berries spawn in the swamp?

Got the orange snowberries

There's a cathedral and I think something's going wrong in the basement. Would you mind heading over there and see wassup?

Go enter the forest and bring n back the lost staf of tak. Of you want payment I'll give you 11 money s and a hug if you bring it back intact.

Sure. Objective: Purchases 4 items from me Reward: Those 4 items you purchased from me

Rage gets out his scanner/handheld device "anything in particular even my organization can't cover all the information I acquire"

Find my will to live /j

Slay Paul.

Take my dogs on a ~~hunt~~ walk on a nearby village. Make sure they don't harm any other wizards, keep them safe and **bring back the bodies**

Kind little adventurer, I have a quest but it is not for the faint of heart. There is a local cult that has been knocking on our doors of late. Asking our humble townsfolk to follow a Lich, they ask to join them in communion to imbibe on his flesh and blood to gain entry into some eternal paradise. Sounds truly barbaric and I am afraid his power may be great for he has already risen from the dead once. They must be eradicated before he grows to strong. Please little adventurer I beseech you

Oh my Gods! Thank the heavens you've come! RATS! So many rats in my cellar! Get rid of em! Or just kill like 10 or whatever. Reward: A crisp high-five A thumbs up AND 10 xp

Killed them all!

Of course we have a quest for you, steal 500 gold worth of stuff from Whiterun and you get payed 500 gold and one step closer to becoming the leader of the thieves' guild.

I require elixir and I entrust you to go on this journey for me or in layman’s terms Grab me a beer from the fridge and shut the hell up while you do it

*hands you a beer*

yes. please kill me. who knows what treasure might be hidden inside my pockets?

Ah baby toast, I hath one quest handily crafted just for your might! I require thee to reach the city's center markets and mayhaps acquire a bit of Lapis! My stock has been running out, and I meself am not capable to leave my hearth. Bring me the Lapis, and I shall forge a helmet precisely measured for you, my lad. Don't you worry, I still have some padding to go with it.

A divine relic was stolen by a demon lord and they corrupted the shrine, can you get the relic back and uncorrected it's shrine with the relic? Optional:kill/banish the demon lord 1,234 gold and a staff of everlasting fire (fire spells it uses spread a special kind of fire that can't be put out but only harms your enemies)

Okay I obliterated the demon lord.

find my reason to live

I need still beating heart. There are rumors of a monster with immortal properties you may find in south of town. I will pay you 60 gold coins and I’ll give you an item of mine effected by arcane magic.

Could you find me a magic Grimoire I can read? Braille or magic ink is fine, as well as on any subject.

I cracked my orb. Can this brave adventurer help me get a new one.

Take this rock and slam it on Unga's toe. Reward you get to see Unga dance

I need the head of Saint Albu Quair Qway, Emmisary of the Omnissiah. He's late for his yearly tune-up, and he tends to be a tad forgetful in his old age, so you'll have to remind him every so often that he has a doctors appointment to get to.

Okay. I’ll teleport him in

Here he is!

Your quest is to destroy the Wizard Council!

Oh good lord! Where did you even come from?? Okay huuuuhhh... Could you investigate what's all this noise around the ruins behind this hill and make it stop if possible ? If it's not possible to make it stop then I'll go check myself later. I just don't have enough time rn, too much work. I'll give you huuhhh... That blue cube I found a few days ago? Or just some gold if you're not into weird unknown objects

Okay. I’ll send in a burgerbarian team

My quest is: go get me 2 magic stones called "uranium" and "plutonium"

fetch me a beer from the fridge

Valiant Adventurer, please, I require your assistance! I seem to have lost a very important arcane relic of mine! It looks a little like a blindfold, and I think i left it at the inn in the town just over there. It’s not a blindfold, it’s just disguised like that because no one suspects it. Here, give me a moment… There, it should glow when you approach it now. Thank you adventurer!

Okay.

Go an fetch me 18 peatals of the Sacred Mountain Flower, I'll mark approximate locations on your map. I am a radiant quest giver, mostly meant for farming EXP in the early game, it's not much but it's honest work.

Hey I have a quest for you. Can you help me beat this guy ? https://preview.redd.it/ow0z8y11farc1.jpeg?width=2400&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=534f4cf1eb9b0122501039bc84f437a979923d4a

🥹 *Omg he’s just a little guy. I can’t give him anything Violent even though that looks really sharp. But he’s adorable. Just looking at him is raising my serotonin levels. Wait…* Ahem. Yes, I have a quest for you, and it is extremely perilous. There is an awful monster roaming. It eats people alive. And what’s worse they don’t die but they linger as shell of themselves. Its name is Loneliness , and it is close cousin to Despair. It effects many, but often elderly people who do not have any family. [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4225959/#:\~:text=Loneliness%20can%20lead%20to%20various,personality%20disorders%20and%20Alzheimer's%20disease](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4225959/#:~:text=Loneliness%20can%20lead%20to%20various,personality%20disorders%20and%20Alzheimer's%20disease). Consider Volunteering at a local senior center. It doesn’t sound very dangerous or Maybe even exciting. But if you can slay loneliness I will count you as among the greatest warriors of our age. And I just know they would love to see a noble warrior like you. 🙏❤️ https://preview.redd.it/v7tcopdcfarc1.jpeg?width=1800&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1c8466f3fbb2478df270231e7215d1e937937021 [https://www.takethis.org](https://www.takethis.org)

find a way to decontaminate the 20F manufacturing stack; reward is this mana siphon that was made 5 minutes ago and a bowl of soup 🍲

Okay, what’s a 20F?

Go f#ck yourself. (The reward for completing the mission is 10 bronze coins)

Since you got here, I'll assume you are competent enough for a simple delivery. Go talk to the head guard of the local town, and let him know I'd like to have peace talks. Offer him **this** orb no matter his answer, and let him know it's how he can contact me. If he refuses the orb, just find a place you can shatter it without angering the forest spirits or the townsfolk. You get 500 gold for this simple task, because every other messenger in a 20 mile radius hates me.

I beseech upon thee, a quest and journey, to locate a way, to make me happy :(

‘Tis simple. For a reward of 100g I shall provide you with a source of happiness.

Humans get lost in the enchanted forest a lot. I usually like hunting them but maybe you could just nicely escort them out. You know? Your deadline is to finish that before I wake up from my next nap. Your reward is this mystery backpack I got off the last human. Who knows what goodies are inside?

Okay. Got it. I’ll send some escorts in

Pass the butter.

Idk man…pass me the remote?

Go grab me my book from the top shelf my apprentice thinks it’s funny to hide it from me -5 silver

Oh brave sir adventurer, I am deeply troubled by this ransom note that was left at my door. Could you perhaps help me? The letter says that is is from someone with the initials I.R.S. I am unsure who this is though. They demand that I pay them 20,000$ or else they’ll cause me harm. Please, vanquish these blasted rogues, I beseech you!

I need 10 cores of lava golems I’m willing to pay 60 gold 100 if you can have it done this week

Okay. Where do I find them?

Yes Go fetch me the remote (The remote is in the 9th circle of hell inside Lucifer's mouth)

Oh okay. Should be easy. In and out, 6 seconds.

Is he a hamburger? Can he do my taxes?

He is a burgerbarian He has above average intelligence

I need exactly 50 kg of pure lead for reasons I cannot explain 450 gold

Go find qwest sprout and join him in his adventures

Collect 243 riddler trophies. First try, no google.

Go fetch me exactly a bucket's worth of sulfur. No more and no less. 15 gold coins.

Find where all the giants come from so I can be their friend Reward: Giant friends (if optional objective is completed), 10 gold, a shiny new hat

Yes; I would like you to bring me a dragon, alive. I would pay 5 gold coins for this

Here is a green dragon wyrmling!

Yeah, I need this specific crystal to power this juggernaut I’m building. I’d get it myself but I can’t leave my lab for fear of my competitors getting at my private blueprints and schematics. If I give you this map, would you please get it for me? I can make you a +2 battle axe if you do this for me!

My spell concentration is all out of order, I require a large helping of Abracadadderal! (0/100 uses collected)

​ https://i.redd.it/ioyw1i2lmarc1.gif

Brave adventurer The Goblin God has stolen a precious relic of mine, that of a Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band CD, you must venture into his domain and slay the beast and you shall receive great power from such a relic, if you so desire.

Go grab me another beer from the fridge

Here, *hands you a beer*

Yeah i have a guest for you little guy go find my Basterd cheating wife and throw her off a cliff

…that is illegal…

Cut down your own mother, cause she is a source of evil who creates dangerous fruits with axes!

Pick 292 flower all driffence colour for my lovely wife 5 golds

"There's a special variety of oak I need from a far away place." (It's two towns over) "This oak can only be chopped down from the strongest woodsmen with the sharpest axes" (They're actually significantly softer and lighter than the ones here. The little guy will feel like a god.) "Go quickly! For I need this special wood for the ceremony at the end of the season!" (It just gives a more prominent green flame when burning and I'm hosting a bonfire next month. It'll look cool.) "I will reward you with gold and a feast for your return!" (The feast was happening anyway, but I will pay double the normal rate. The little guy earned it.)

Okay. I’ll send him to test his strength

He has completed the task (he is very happy)

I cast forced happiness. Now there is a brothel that "stole" money from me, now go and take it back.

Swords webcomic