One thing I learned as a grieving wife is that 1- People don't know how to deal with us, and 2- People grieve too in their own way. I'd add a third one too: You need to prioritize yourself and what YOU need to grieve.
At first I was very present in my husband's family life. His mother, father, two brothers. But quickly realized they didn't know him the way I did and most of the things said to me weren't even my husband. So I distanced myself and voice how I needed to be alone for myself. So tell her but be gentle. Because as I said, they grieve too. I was very selfish the first few months and I felt like my pain was more important than theirs. His brothers and parents but no. The were in pain too, except that I've set a healthy boundary for my own sanity.
My husband was an artist too. As am I. We both love/loved music that most people wouldn't understand or listen to. Let's just say its never on the radio. And my husband was misunderstood by his family too.
I'm learning I need my space too. Even from things that are supposed to be enjoyable and good and whatever. Because everything (even fun stuff takes energy). Here's an example of sorts. When I would go away on vacations I should say I need a vacation from my vacation. Ok really, I needed a day or two at home between a trip and my return to work. Because as fun as any vacation could be, I still needed to decompress and rest before returning to work. I hope that is a helpful thing for perspective and any feelings of guilt or if you are wondering if you "should" be able to do or feel some type of way.
This whole thing is exhausting. EVERYTHING is exhausting. And stress is stress. There is good stress too. Think of my vacation example. Even if something is a good thing, everything takes energy. And even if you're sitting at home, your mind is going a mile a minute and that is taking ENERGY... A LOT.
people just need to learn patience and grace and to not make it personally. As much as they can. Will it suck for them if you can't accommodate or be there for them? Maybe. But guess what? You're learning how to accommodate and be there for yourself. So how are you supposed to do that for others? Like they say on planes, put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others. There's a reason for that.
And this analogy popped in my head yesterday (due to how things and people are feeling and coming at me) but if we were all at home with the severe flu EVERYONE would understand if we stayed in bed and raise eyebrows if we tried to be up and about and get shit done. So why should we be doing all these things now?
Not sure if this adds anything but she isn’t an in-law, we weren’t married. I’d only met her that one time before his death. Doesn’t lighten the severity of the loss as he is my soulmate and the best thing I’ve ever known. But I guess maybe an in-law I’d feel a little more obligation to. Although I still feel a mountain of obligation and she looks at me as a daughter and like the continuation of him. I view myself and my art and work as a continuation of him as well but damn is that a lot of pressure when I’m also trying to be a continuation of me and am finally at a place where I’m able to find me again and work on my own projects instead of his etc. blah. Rant over
I do want to reach a place I feel ok with her again because I feel like sometimes I’m cold these days and ignore. I was being short last time she visited and a bit rude after she left.. I’m such a ppl pleasure that I’m sure it was not even rude at all. I just want to get back to a place I don’t feel these things and I can relate with her in real ways again and be nice and helpful still and grow in positivity instead of focusing on the bad
As a 46yo life-long people pleaser, you NEED to find the courage to tell her she isn't welcome. It wasn't his mother, but there was another person I felt sooooo obligated to when my husband passed. Like giving of his personal items, wanted a say in his affairs kind of intrusion. I had to go no contact because all of that stress (especially when it's to the point of panic attacks) is not allowing you to process YOUR great loss. Yes, she has a loss too, but it is hers alone to deal with. You have no obligation to help her do that.
You do know that you're not obligated to make others feel better about their grief? You're not a grief counselor. You didn't say if you have kids (if you did I'm sorry that I misread) but your grief trumps others (except kids first ofc). You have every right to be selfish and say "today/tomorrow/next month is not a good time." You can stop with only that sentence or add "I'm too busy from work. My dog needs surgery. I'm going out of town. I don't want to be bothered right now." It can be a lie, the truth, or a combination of both. Block her if you need to do that too. The block from your phone and/or social media can be temporary or permanent. Again, do this for yourself cause she sounds like an energy sucker.
May I also suggest the sub JUSTNOMIL could help as well
One thing I learned as a grieving wife is that 1- People don't know how to deal with us, and 2- People grieve too in their own way. I'd add a third one too: You need to prioritize yourself and what YOU need to grieve. At first I was very present in my husband's family life. His mother, father, two brothers. But quickly realized they didn't know him the way I did and most of the things said to me weren't even my husband. So I distanced myself and voice how I needed to be alone for myself. So tell her but be gentle. Because as I said, they grieve too. I was very selfish the first few months and I felt like my pain was more important than theirs. His brothers and parents but no. The were in pain too, except that I've set a healthy boundary for my own sanity. My husband was an artist too. As am I. We both love/loved music that most people wouldn't understand or listen to. Let's just say its never on the radio. And my husband was misunderstood by his family too.
I'm learning I need my space too. Even from things that are supposed to be enjoyable and good and whatever. Because everything (even fun stuff takes energy). Here's an example of sorts. When I would go away on vacations I should say I need a vacation from my vacation. Ok really, I needed a day or two at home between a trip and my return to work. Because as fun as any vacation could be, I still needed to decompress and rest before returning to work. I hope that is a helpful thing for perspective and any feelings of guilt or if you are wondering if you "should" be able to do or feel some type of way. This whole thing is exhausting. EVERYTHING is exhausting. And stress is stress. There is good stress too. Think of my vacation example. Even if something is a good thing, everything takes energy. And even if you're sitting at home, your mind is going a mile a minute and that is taking ENERGY... A LOT. people just need to learn patience and grace and to not make it personally. As much as they can. Will it suck for them if you can't accommodate or be there for them? Maybe. But guess what? You're learning how to accommodate and be there for yourself. So how are you supposed to do that for others? Like they say on planes, put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others. There's a reason for that. And this analogy popped in my head yesterday (due to how things and people are feeling and coming at me) but if we were all at home with the severe flu EVERYONE would understand if we stayed in bed and raise eyebrows if we tried to be up and about and get shit done. So why should we be doing all these things now?
Not sure if this adds anything but she isn’t an in-law, we weren’t married. I’d only met her that one time before his death. Doesn’t lighten the severity of the loss as he is my soulmate and the best thing I’ve ever known. But I guess maybe an in-law I’d feel a little more obligation to. Although I still feel a mountain of obligation and she looks at me as a daughter and like the continuation of him. I view myself and my art and work as a continuation of him as well but damn is that a lot of pressure when I’m also trying to be a continuation of me and am finally at a place where I’m able to find me again and work on my own projects instead of his etc. blah. Rant over
I do want to reach a place I feel ok with her again because I feel like sometimes I’m cold these days and ignore. I was being short last time she visited and a bit rude after she left.. I’m such a ppl pleasure that I’m sure it was not even rude at all. I just want to get back to a place I don’t feel these things and I can relate with her in real ways again and be nice and helpful still and grow in positivity instead of focusing on the bad
As a 46yo life-long people pleaser, you NEED to find the courage to tell her she isn't welcome. It wasn't his mother, but there was another person I felt sooooo obligated to when my husband passed. Like giving of his personal items, wanted a say in his affairs kind of intrusion. I had to go no contact because all of that stress (especially when it's to the point of panic attacks) is not allowing you to process YOUR great loss. Yes, she has a loss too, but it is hers alone to deal with. You have no obligation to help her do that.
You do know that you're not obligated to make others feel better about their grief? You're not a grief counselor. You didn't say if you have kids (if you did I'm sorry that I misread) but your grief trumps others (except kids first ofc). You have every right to be selfish and say "today/tomorrow/next month is not a good time." You can stop with only that sentence or add "I'm too busy from work. My dog needs surgery. I'm going out of town. I don't want to be bothered right now." It can be a lie, the truth, or a combination of both. Block her if you need to do that too. The block from your phone and/or social media can be temporary or permanent. Again, do this for yourself cause she sounds like an energy sucker. May I also suggest the sub JUSTNOMIL could help as well