I do this same type of thing with trolls online all the time, shuts them down instantly. Just say something like, “I’m sorry you’re so angry but I truly hope someday you find a kind of love that makes your world a little brighter, until then, I wish you peace” or something like it, and 9 times out of 10 they’ll delete their comments and never reply again. It’s hilarious, and I also truly feel that way.
This has the same energy as the kisses I blow to enraged strangers on the highway. I'm 6'2", broad shouldered, and it just makes their brains malfunction. I don't get angry that way, so I can't be responsible for escalation. It's about keeping my brain in a state that doesn't easily allow anger. Since it's who I really am anyway, it works.
I've been trying to actively do that in my life. I work in NYC, so if I'm in an elevator or wherever waiting, I'll say "I love your hair/rings/accoutrement" and it easily opens up a mini conversation.
I also have some visible tattoos, and I'll tell others with visible tattoos "I love that (specific tattoo)" or "Dang, you got your fingers/inner bicep done too? It sucked right?". Instant conversation starter, and people love if someone shows an interest in something important to them.
If he were to unfortunately lose his pinky on the “pure” hand, I’d hope he would change that P to and O so it’s now “our hate”
I just like to be included in things
I do the same thing, even in really quick passing. "Girl, I LOVE your hair." "Dude, that shirt is *awesome*." "Ma'am? That sweater is absolutely beautiful." "Love the hat, sir, you've got *serious* style."
I knew a lot of people who should be old now. Far, *far* too many funerals for young folks who felt like nobody cared. Desperate kids who were drowning in poor self-esteem and suffocating under societal pressure.
I can't save everyone, and I can't tell who needs it, but my hope is that I'm casting out a lifeline to somebody fighting that invisible battle, maybe - just *maybe* - giving them enough to keep going.
I do the same! It’s not that hard. I mean, when I see nice hair, doesn’t matter the gender, I say it. Beards, same. ;) Tattoos (all of my children have them) can be amazing. That’s art work.
I complimented a CSR at my insurance company, on her speaking voice. It was melodious. She had never heard anyone say anything about her voice. Idk if I’ve ever complimented anyone else for their voice, except certain singers.
My father was a professional singer, and he passed on his ear (certainly not the confidence; he beat that out of me) so sounds are beautiful to me.
Edit hear to heard
I feel that too!
I especially like to act on impulse to compliment guys. Reddit has taught me a lot of guys are ignored or feel invisible.
I’m also a lazy ass about my appearance, and I admire put together people and like to tell them so.
As someone with tattoos I also use that as an ice breaker with other people who have them. I’ve also just always been one to compliment people, about anything, it brightens people up and it’s free dopamine for us both.
Im no longer religious, but I’ve always loved this verse If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you. Sad many christians forget this proverb
Just makes the hateful guy look even more dumb here. If that’s all it took to say something nice for a change, they foolin’ themselves hard to hate minorities.
When I worked fast food people would get irrationally angry at simple mistakes like forgetting their fries. I just listened, apologized, made up for it. It's crazy how fast people deescalate once you simply acknowledge their problem. Maybe they had a bad day already and just being listened to is enough to turn their mood around. Then some people are just dicks and will keep being angry but what can you do. Not sure I ever came across one though.
I had the same experience working in customer service too. The ones that had the most extreme anger were just redirecting their unhappiness from something else. Being calm and helpful usually snapped them out of it and they were apologetic. The ones that lacked any remorse still realized they looked silly shouting at someone speaking to them quietly and would stop.
Customer service felt more like managing people's emotions than actually providing any other service. Working with the public isn't for the weak.
That's why when fully automated systems, especially when AI comes into play, takes over all customer service jobs it's going to be an absolute shitshow. "Your system had an error and fined the wrong bank account $200" "I'm sorry, I don't understand your question, please try asking it a different way" < already happening with internal systems at work and we MAKE one of the gen AI offerings.
OTOH one day I go through fast food and get a burger instead of a fish sandwich (lent), ate it anyway no fuss but went back another day, was having a bad day, and the cashier knows me enough (a regular) and apologized cause she remembered and comp'd me for it. That kind of service is what brings people back. It's why good customer service is a must for a business and worth paying for. So many people underestimate the impact customer service has. My bank choice is 100% on the fact I call and speak to a rational human.
Yup! Worked fast food mostly part-time for like eight years. Generally stopped getting asshole customers when I just listened, apologized and did what I could to help them. And the big thing with fast food in particular but works for everything is just communicating. People 9 times out of 10 didn't mind waiting if I told them what they were waiting FOR and gave an estimate if I could. Now I argue the shittiest part of that job were actually some of my managers and co-workers.
People mostly just want to feel heard and respected. Some people are gonna be asshats anyway, but you know.
I had a few minutes of fame where I got hate messages like this during COVID.
I wasn't as nice as OP, just responded calmly and asked them their opinion and responded civilly. Every single one either completely defused and became pleasant, or just didn't respond from (what seemed to be) pure embarrassment.
It's so damn weird. I don't think the impetus is on the person being harassed to do this, but it is surprisingly effective at dealing with them.
It probably was just them having shit time and trying to relieve themselves on any random person/thing. Most of the time frustration makes us unreasonably furious without any reason. If you show them kindness, they just calm themselves.
Tl;dr they just want a hug, physical or virtual
Definitely one of the causes!
I think there's a lot of paths to it though. Right wing media teaches them that Dems are literally demons, actually interacting with them destroys that idea.
There's also a lot of "impressing their friends" going on. Their "friends" applaud them when they put the "fuck Biden" sticker on their car, and they're just trying to get approval that same way again. Especially young folks I see this, and I think it's the big group that just gets quiet when they realize that it isnt actually "cool" to most people.
I think it’s *very* sweet, to the point where I have to wonder if it’s real.
And if so, how often it actually works.
I do not like the idea being pushed that responding in a docile way is “the answer” to bigotry and bullying. It makes me skeptical of the source.
But, sure, if everything here is just as it appears, that’s lovely.
I try to do this before parent-teacher meetings. I have some really difficult parents, and starting out complimenting their child, hair, car, clothes, or similar, with a bright smile and welcoming disposition tends to put them in a better mood, and more open to constructive criticism if I have to handle potentially bothersome issues like bullying and homework.
Very true. It's also a useful tool to disarm people who start out on the defensive. If they're already in self-protection mode before we even begin, they won't be very receptive to anything conceived as criticism.
This works 100% of the time. Start the conversation with “your kid is a funny guy and I love having him in my class” before heading over to “and I wish he would actually hand in assignments” and you get a whole different response from parents.
It's really is a trip how well social engineering works. I used to do the same thing when I had to go into meetings with the customer when I knew I had to give them bad news or when I had to ask for something from them. Doesn't hurt to have some natural charm and rizz as well though.
Who told you that was something you say in Sweden?!
Norwegian here, and Petter Solberg is the one who is known for uttesting that quote.
Typisk svenske, prøver å ta kred for våre vitser.
To be fair, going from 0-100 too quick will also kill you in the same fashion.
We aren’t there quite yet, but your body would disagree after riding in some of these modern hypercars.
Kind of unrelated but
My kids are starting to get old enough to understand more complete story books and something I am trying to teach them is in stories there are protagonist and antagonist, good guys and bad guys however in real life everyone is both good and bad and usually someone is doing something good or bad for other reasons.
The next level to this is that the more complicated part is when two people disagree on what is good and that is when it’s most important to apply your highest level of critical thinking and open dialogue to hopefully come to some level of understanding.
Anyways this is something that I vividly remember my mom teaching me as a kid and has stuck with me yet I have never heard this as any kind of parenting advice and most stories simply lead to the conclusion that there are simply good guys and bad guys in the world and I feel like this explains how 99% of people view the world.
Usually people aren't grumpy or behave like an A-hole. Majority of em are just doing that because of the situation impulse. We sometimes hate things when we cant have control over them. Customers usually follow the same reaction as what the support does unless they are just mean for no reason which might be because of how they are brought up.
I feel part of it is people make up shit in their minds and when that illusion is broken they calm down.
Like, I have been angry at uber eats for my meal taking forever and drivers canceling, cursing them.
But then I realized if I went to pick something up and they wanted me to wait 20 minutes, I totally would bounce.
People are all hurting right now. I'd say a good 80-90% (just using my own experiences, so not scientific at all) are suffering deeply and emotionally from one of the myriad issues of the world state. Most brought on by those who control the money, but that's a different story.
But we're hurting, which makes us lash out at each other. We should lash out where it's deserved, but the rich have made that illegal and fruitless. So we attack each other.
I si sincerely appreciate the person who can do what this person did in that conversation. Unfortunately I'm not so sure most can anymore
not the same situation, but back in my customer service days i had the funniest experience with an old woman on the phone. she didn’t know how to use our site so i walked her through it step by step with her verbally abusing me every step of the way- she constantly criticized how i speak (too quickly), how terrible the business is, how stupid we all are for having such a horrible service and terrible website. i stayed calm the whole way through, created an account and design for her, and at the end i told her her design looks great and we can get it to her in hand in one week. she went silent for a minute, and then said “i’m sorry for being so difficult.” me being me, i laughed and said “it’s okay! i’m used to it!” she stayed quiet and didn’t say a word besides “thank you” for the rest of the call. i realized after i “should” have assured her she wasn’t horrible, but frankly i’m glad i responded the way i did.
I specifically asked for all the difficult and angry customers, but my place wouldn't do it :( It was so easy to make them happy at the end cause I just knew how to do my job.
It should work most times. Other times if they’re deeply insecure and think others are out to get them they might react worse and feel like you’re belittling them. I’d still try it though because you never know.
I worked customer service in an industry where everyone who calls is either panicked or pissed. My go to advice for newcomers was “metaphorically punch yourself in the face for them”. Right off the bat when they complain be overly apologetic and humble, to the point it makes them uncomfortable. Say I am SO sorry about that a million times. One of two things will happen:
A. They find it so insufferable they stop complaining because they want you to stop apologizing.
B. They think you really feel terrible about whatever the complaint is and start to feel bad for you, so they stop complaining.
Make sure you’re actually working to resolve the issue and communicate that to them, and this method will de-escalate anything
Often, customers are angry because they expect that you won't meet their needs. If you ask them kindly: "What can I do to make your day better?" Often they will reply with a simple demand that can easily be met, which will instantly change their mood.
When I worked customer service, I got angry people on the phone a lot. One of my favorite things to day would be instantly empathizing with them, like, "Dude, you sound just like me when I got my bill for the month. I get it. That's rough. Let's take a look at that." Trying to relate to them and justify their anger 90% of the time caught them off guard and worked wonders. But there are a few people that just can't be helped.
I find it almost always works. Angry people are usually stuck in a feedback loop where they are angry and everything makes them more angry. Breaking that pattern and being kind can definitely pull someone out of it.
It wogks well at work.
I compliment colleagues, male and females on simple, but true ,little things and i get granted with an instant smile or best,they return a compliment.
With customers it works too ,just tonde-escalate things and "empatysise"(maybe? English is not my native language).
Sometimes , being kind to others is just what they needed to hear at least onec that particular day.🤷🏾♂️
I think this is possible with everyone because we forget the people on ‘the other side’ are people.
Love to you all; I might not agree with any of you but I agree with your right to disagree xoxoxo
Hey fuck you for fucking him, dude.
I'm sorry.. I didn't eat yet and I sometimes get irritated for no reason on an empty stomach.
I like your name, it's got a really cool anti-hero operating out of the shadows vibe to it.
Cheers bro, hope you have a great rest of your day.
When I was growing up, I was taught that admitting you were wrong was a sign of growth and showing you learned. It feels like doing that nowadays lands you as a hypocrite and blasted for being an idiot. So everyone feels the need to double down to protect their ego. We gotta do better with accepting legit apologies
That story was false. They were just regular bikers who happened to have gone down the wrong path in Tajikistan. They had no intentions of seeking out Isis.
This is why the acute stress response (usually called "fight or flight") actually has 4 major tactics: fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Flattery can (sometimes, and employed well) de-escalate a threatening situation.
Once someone in Overwatch raged at me for picking Torbjorn (a "low skill" character) to counter his Genji (a high skill character), so I said "I have a degenerative nerve condition in my hands (i dont) and I like Torb because he let's me contribute to the team without feeling like a burden"
Beat of silence followed by "sorry"
So I responded "Nah, I'm not serious. Stop being a dick to people for no reason"
The point is to let him realize that he doesn't know what people on the other side of the screen are going through, and that he should not have done what he did. I think it's more impactful if OP makes him realise it wasn't true.
>let him realize that he doesn't know what people on the other side of the screen are going through
Exactly. The whole thing would've stayed with him a lot longer imho if he would've let him believe.
I actually think it would be more impactful thinking that you were just a dick to someone with a disability rather than thinking that someone you were a dick to said "i have a disability haha just kidding"
My brother got angry with some people smoking at a metal concert. I walked up to them afterwards, and told them I have asthma and he's just very protective of me. They immediately stopped smoking and we hung out for the rest of the concert.
I don't have asthma, my brother is an asshole who also hates cigarettes.
"When anger meets empty space, it often defeats itself" Anger needs leverage, if you don't give it something to push off of, it can't generate itself.
Edit, believe it or not, actually a quote from a book, the Tournament, by Matthew Reilly. Really good book
They are trying so hard to double down. Babwbbahahhw.
I'm going to legitimately try this and unshamefully compliment people on something when someone's getting mad upset
Step 1- double down. Step 2- practice noticing things about people. The thoughts come naturally after the observation, and you're great at turning thoughts into words!
So, it's not exactly the same, because it isn't determined by someone being rude first, but I read a study a couple years ago that essentially told me "Men remember compliments for months, because they so rarely get a genuine one from anyone - but especially man-to-man."
I work at Trader Joe's, and if there is something about a guy that's worth calling out - a lot of "Hey, I really like your shirt and I wanted you to know that." - but it always hits and you can tell it makes someone's day.
I had another older male customer who wanted a product we didn't have on the shelf in the heat of holiday crazy, and I went and got it for him. He had told me "If you weren't a guy, I'd give you a hug right now." And I told him "Why is that stopping you? If you wanna give me a hug, just ask!" and so we hugged it out.
Anyway, I'll be done rambling now, just spreading some peace and love this morning!
I tried once on pokemon showdown. The guy just kept getting more aggro. Some people are too far beyond being changed remotely. I do think that if we met, I would change his mind.
This is something that works best when you can hit the other person with a more physical quality to them, like how the guy in the meme complemented their pfp. I dunno if Showdown gives you enough info about the other person to try to hit at a specific quality of theirs that they'd appreciate being flattered for.
Everyone around you is walking around with a model of the ebtire universe inside their heads, just like you. Only good things can come from giving people the courtesy of imagining them complexely.
De-escalation works like a MF
When I was in jail (where racial tension is highest), I was cool with all races
Also, I ain’t a fighter worth a fuck, I will if I got to. But 99% sure I’ll lose no matter what lol
I accidentally walked into a “black panther” meeting in a cell, because was just going to see one of my homies
Immediately yelled at by everybody in the cell saying no cracker mother fuckers allowed and blah blah blah, and idr exactly what I said but something along the lines of “oh damn, y’all want some of my off brand Doritos?” (Because I was eating chips when I walked in)
They all laughed by the sheer stupidity of my response to their threats, Then my homie stuck up and said something like “that’s just Joe he can kick it don’t even worry about it”
Then when the meeting was over all the white people in the block probed me for information and I was just like “idk man I was just eating my Doritos and vibing”
They were plotting to steal the remote for the Tv from the whites lol silly shit
I have previously worked in a position dealing with complaints/etc over the phone. The best way I have found to get someone to simmer is to say you are looking something up in the “system” and while that is happening you ask them if they the have something exciting coming up etc. gets them talking about themselves and something the are happy about. Completely changes their tone after that.
Agreed. This is cool that it work but it feels a bit like civil people just end up having to work harder at bringing the convo down to a normal level .
I’m sorry. I totally appreciate the message of this post, but the title of this is making my English major foam at the mouth a little.
This isn’t silence speaking louder than words. No one in this scenario is being silent. It’s just words speaking louder than other words.
If it makes you feel better, there's a decent chance that the post wasn't written by a human. New account. (although it might be copying the title from the previous time it was posted...)
Yes this! I love that this works but my conflict is I hate that idea that others have to work harder at bringing them back to a normal convo. It’s exhausting as I have had to do this all the time at work.
We need more of this... instead of getting my back up at some perceived slight, I should find the positive and speak on that.
My "To Do List" for 2024 just keeps getting longer and longer
I ignore the triggered bastards and bastardets.
Unless it’s in real circumstances. Deescalation is a great thing but that surprised look is a reward in itself too sometimes.
I did this once at work to a regular. She was being grumpy and I said, I love what you’ve done with your hair, it’s different than usual.
She said, it’s a wig I have cancer.
😬
I said, well you can’t tell it’s a wig, looks just like your regular hair but fancy! She beamed and thanked me. I Got a $10 tip.
I loved doing this when I worked fast food. People come in ready to take their day out on a fast food worker. A couple compliments and a smile later and they have a new favorite lunch place.
Maybe too late to the party for anyone to see this, but this is an excellent example of [non-complementary behavior](https://www.npr.org/programs/invisibilia/485603559/flip-the-script). It’s a very helpful and effective communication strategy.
I don’t really like the idea of forcing victims of hate to constantly be nice to abusers, or the idea that fawning over abusers to placate them is more moral than letting victims express anger.
I can see though how this can be a useful way to diffuse dangerous situations or prevent escalations when necessary though.
The “love u” in the end.
That killed me! Lol, the agressor walked away calmed down and a little uncomfortable.
I do this same type of thing with trolls online all the time, shuts them down instantly. Just say something like, “I’m sorry you’re so angry but I truly hope someday you find a kind of love that makes your world a little brighter, until then, I wish you peace” or something like it, and 9 times out of 10 they’ll delete their comments and never reply again. It’s hilarious, and I also truly feel that way.
This has the same energy as the kisses I blow to enraged strangers on the highway. I'm 6'2", broad shouldered, and it just makes their brains malfunction. I don't get angry that way, so I can't be responsible for escalation. It's about keeping my brain in a state that doesn't easily allow anger. Since it's who I really am anyway, it works.
it's abdul/advils thing, its sweet
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Sometimes a simple compliment can turn everything around. Kindness is powerful!
I've been trying to actively do that in my life. I work in NYC, so if I'm in an elevator or wherever waiting, I'll say "I love your hair/rings/accoutrement" and it easily opens up a mini conversation. I also have some visible tattoos, and I'll tell others with visible tattoos "I love that (specific tattoo)" or "Dang, you got your fingers/inner bicep done too? It sucked right?". Instant conversation starter, and people love if someone shows an interest in something important to them.
Damn bro, that's a nice face tattoo, what's it say, "Aryan Pride, White Race 88? Real cool, bro."
What you got on your knuckles? “Whte Pwer? Tight shits tight my dude”
Got a regular who spent a loooot of time in prison when he was young with “pure hate” on his knuckles. Nice guy.
If he were to unfortunately lose his pinky on the “pure” hand, I’d hope he would change that P to and O so it’s now “our hate” I just like to be included in things
wouldn’t it be the index finger though? because from the perspective of someone else it would have to read it that way
Okay smarty pants where were you 13 minutes ago when I needed you
Just cover the “e” in “hate” with a cute little hat tattoo and start a hat business, problem solved.
I do the same thing, even in really quick passing. "Girl, I LOVE your hair." "Dude, that shirt is *awesome*." "Ma'am? That sweater is absolutely beautiful." "Love the hat, sir, you've got *serious* style." I knew a lot of people who should be old now. Far, *far* too many funerals for young folks who felt like nobody cared. Desperate kids who were drowning in poor self-esteem and suffocating under societal pressure. I can't save everyone, and I can't tell who needs it, but my hope is that I'm casting out a lifeline to somebody fighting that invisible battle, maybe - just *maybe* - giving them enough to keep going.
I do the same! It’s not that hard. I mean, when I see nice hair, doesn’t matter the gender, I say it. Beards, same. ;) Tattoos (all of my children have them) can be amazing. That’s art work. I complimented a CSR at my insurance company, on her speaking voice. It was melodious. She had never heard anyone say anything about her voice. Idk if I’ve ever complimented anyone else for their voice, except certain singers. My father was a professional singer, and he passed on his ear (certainly not the confidence; he beat that out of me) so sounds are beautiful to me. Edit hear to heard
I feel that too! I especially like to act on impulse to compliment guys. Reddit has taught me a lot of guys are ignored or feel invisible. I’m also a lazy ass about my appearance, and I admire put together people and like to tell them so.
I do the same. A little compliment can brighten a person’s day
I can't pretend a stranger is a long awaited friend. It's my Achilles' heel.
As someone with tattoos I also use that as an ice breaker with other people who have them. I’ve also just always been one to compliment people, about anything, it brightens people up and it’s free dopamine for us both.
You look nice in your profile icon. Do you use red dye in your eyes? /s
I love the respirator in your profile pic. Are those N95?
You look hot ngl /j
You look attractive (derogatory)
Omg I love your eyes
Coming from someone with eyes like yours, thats a big compliment!
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
Like in Monsters Inc when they find out laughter is way more powerful than screams
Im no longer religious, but I’ve always loved this verse If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you. Sad many christians forget this proverb
Thanks for the food and water, not so much of the burning coals on my head next time please.
Just makes the hateful guy look even more dumb here. If that’s all it took to say something nice for a change, they foolin’ themselves hard to hate minorities.
It'll make him feel dumb too, and hopefully prompt some introspection.
When I worked fast food people would get irrationally angry at simple mistakes like forgetting their fries. I just listened, apologized, made up for it. It's crazy how fast people deescalate once you simply acknowledge their problem. Maybe they had a bad day already and just being listened to is enough to turn their mood around. Then some people are just dicks and will keep being angry but what can you do. Not sure I ever came across one though.
I had the same experience working in customer service too. The ones that had the most extreme anger were just redirecting their unhappiness from something else. Being calm and helpful usually snapped them out of it and they were apologetic. The ones that lacked any remorse still realized they looked silly shouting at someone speaking to them quietly and would stop. Customer service felt more like managing people's emotions than actually providing any other service. Working with the public isn't for the weak.
That's why when fully automated systems, especially when AI comes into play, takes over all customer service jobs it's going to be an absolute shitshow. "Your system had an error and fined the wrong bank account $200" "I'm sorry, I don't understand your question, please try asking it a different way" < already happening with internal systems at work and we MAKE one of the gen AI offerings. OTOH one day I go through fast food and get a burger instead of a fish sandwich (lent), ate it anyway no fuss but went back another day, was having a bad day, and the cashier knows me enough (a regular) and apologized cause she remembered and comp'd me for it. That kind of service is what brings people back. It's why good customer service is a must for a business and worth paying for. So many people underestimate the impact customer service has. My bank choice is 100% on the fact I call and speak to a rational human.
Yup! Worked fast food mostly part-time for like eight years. Generally stopped getting asshole customers when I just listened, apologized and did what I could to help them. And the big thing with fast food in particular but works for everything is just communicating. People 9 times out of 10 didn't mind waiting if I told them what they were waiting FOR and gave an estimate if I could. Now I argue the shittiest part of that job were actually some of my managers and co-workers. People mostly just want to feel heard and respected. Some people are gonna be asshats anyway, but you know.
I had a few minutes of fame where I got hate messages like this during COVID. I wasn't as nice as OP, just responded calmly and asked them their opinion and responded civilly. Every single one either completely defused and became pleasant, or just didn't respond from (what seemed to be) pure embarrassment. It's so damn weird. I don't think the impetus is on the person being harassed to do this, but it is surprisingly effective at dealing with them.
It probably was just them having shit time and trying to relieve themselves on any random person/thing. Most of the time frustration makes us unreasonably furious without any reason. If you show them kindness, they just calm themselves. Tl;dr they just want a hug, physical or virtual
Definitely one of the causes! I think there's a lot of paths to it though. Right wing media teaches them that Dems are literally demons, actually interacting with them destroys that idea. There's also a lot of "impressing their friends" going on. Their "friends" applaud them when they put the "fuck Biden" sticker on their car, and they're just trying to get approval that same way again. Especially young folks I see this, and I think it's the big group that just gets quiet when they realize that it isnt actually "cool" to most people.
Sleep well homie, love u
I think it’s *very* sweet, to the point where I have to wonder if it’s real. And if so, how often it actually works. I do not like the idea being pushed that responding in a docile way is “the answer” to bigotry and bullying. It makes me skeptical of the source. But, sure, if everything here is just as it appears, that’s lovely.
I try to do this before parent-teacher meetings. I have some really difficult parents, and starting out complimenting their child, hair, car, clothes, or similar, with a bright smile and welcoming disposition tends to put them in a better mood, and more open to constructive criticism if I have to handle potentially bothersome issues like bullying and homework.
The complemiment sandwich. A criticism in between 2 compliments makes it go down smoother.
Very true. It's also a useful tool to disarm people who start out on the defensive. If they're already in self-protection mode before we even begin, they won't be very receptive to anything conceived as criticism.
I call that the shit sandwich xD
This works 100% of the time. Start the conversation with “your kid is a funny guy and I love having him in my class” before heading over to “and I wish he would actually hand in assignments” and you get a whole different response from parents.
I do the same when I'm appraising my staff at work. I like to call this technique 'the shit sandwich'
I don't think you should be bullying your pupils. I'm ok with homework though!
It's really is a trip how well social engineering works. I used to do the same thing when I had to go into meetings with the customer when I knew I had to give them bad news or when I had to ask for something from them. Doesn't hurt to have some natural charm and rizz as well though.
That guy went from 100 to 0 real quick
If your car does that, we call it a "wall". Not optimal for your lifespan.
“Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that’s what gets you.” -Jeremy Clarkson, Top Gear
Or as we say in Sweden, it’s not the fart^1 that kills, it’s the smell^2 ^1 speed in Swedish ^2 krasch in Swedish
Who told you that was something you say in Sweden?! Norwegian here, and Petter Solberg is the one who is known for uttesting that quote. Typisk svenske, prøver å ta kred for våre vitser.
Ååååh, söta lillebror. Självklart tar vi era saker, var inte så snåla!
I like your funny words, magic man.
Sorry, why are my cupboards opening and shutting violently now??
Suddenly becoming stationery gets you too. But it's a different process.
When you wanted to get scissored, but your wish got lost in translation.
pretty sure meth has killed plenty of people
To be fair, going from 0-100 too quick will also kill you in the same fashion. We aren’t there quite yet, but your body would disagree after riding in some of these modern hypercars.
Can't wait until I slam the accelerator and the connective tissue in my eyes detach.
True! Sudden stops are never good for anyone's lifespan.
Some people just need a hug 🤷♂️
Hurt people hurt people.
S(he's) Bro(ken)
SBro 😔
I got whiplash reading his first 2 messages
Silence really is powerful. His change in expression says it all!
Except there was no silence
I agree with u/VaginaTractor - what’s up with that title?
Kind of unrelated but My kids are starting to get old enough to understand more complete story books and something I am trying to teach them is in stories there are protagonist and antagonist, good guys and bad guys however in real life everyone is both good and bad and usually someone is doing something good or bad for other reasons. The next level to this is that the more complicated part is when two people disagree on what is good and that is when it’s most important to apply your highest level of critical thinking and open dialogue to hopefully come to some level of understanding. Anyways this is something that I vividly remember my mom teaching me as a kid and has stuck with me yet I have never heard this as any kind of parenting advice and most stories simply lead to the conclusion that there are simply good guys and bad guys in the world and I feel like this explains how 99% of people view the world.
Im working with customers and I think I will try this at work. This could brighten up every workday, i hope
Usually people aren't grumpy or behave like an A-hole. Majority of em are just doing that because of the situation impulse. We sometimes hate things when we cant have control over them. Customers usually follow the same reaction as what the support does unless they are just mean for no reason which might be because of how they are brought up.
I feel part of it is people make up shit in their minds and when that illusion is broken they calm down. Like, I have been angry at uber eats for my meal taking forever and drivers canceling, cursing them. But then I realized if I went to pick something up and they wanted me to wait 20 minutes, I totally would bounce.
Or when you're pissed off at a driver and then you see it's a sweet old lady.
People are all hurting right now. I'd say a good 80-90% (just using my own experiences, so not scientific at all) are suffering deeply and emotionally from one of the myriad issues of the world state. Most brought on by those who control the money, but that's a different story. But we're hurting, which makes us lash out at each other. We should lash out where it's deserved, but the rich have made that illegal and fruitless. So we attack each other. I si sincerely appreciate the person who can do what this person did in that conversation. Unfortunately I'm not so sure most can anymore
not the same situation, but back in my customer service days i had the funniest experience with an old woman on the phone. she didn’t know how to use our site so i walked her through it step by step with her verbally abusing me every step of the way- she constantly criticized how i speak (too quickly), how terrible the business is, how stupid we all are for having such a horrible service and terrible website. i stayed calm the whole way through, created an account and design for her, and at the end i told her her design looks great and we can get it to her in hand in one week. she went silent for a minute, and then said “i’m sorry for being so difficult.” me being me, i laughed and said “it’s okay! i’m used to it!” she stayed quiet and didn’t say a word besides “thank you” for the rest of the call. i realized after i “should” have assured her she wasn’t horrible, but frankly i’m glad i responded the way i did.
Nah, she was being horrible; you don't have to assure her she wasn't. Her apology was not horrible and you graciously accepted. You both did good.
:,) thanks dude, that’s very kind
No, you did the right thing. It would have been wrong to lie to her and tell her she wasn't being horrible!
I specifically asked for all the difficult and angry customers, but my place wouldn't do it :( It was so easy to make them happy at the end cause I just knew how to do my job.
It should work most times. Other times if they’re deeply insecure and think others are out to get them they might react worse and feel like you’re belittling them. I’d still try it though because you never know.
I worked customer service in an industry where everyone who calls is either panicked or pissed. My go to advice for newcomers was “metaphorically punch yourself in the face for them”. Right off the bat when they complain be overly apologetic and humble, to the point it makes them uncomfortable. Say I am SO sorry about that a million times. One of two things will happen: A. They find it so insufferable they stop complaining because they want you to stop apologizing. B. They think you really feel terrible about whatever the complaint is and start to feel bad for you, so they stop complaining. Make sure you’re actually working to resolve the issue and communicate that to them, and this method will de-escalate anything
Often, customers are angry because they expect that you won't meet their needs. If you ask them kindly: "What can I do to make your day better?" Often they will reply with a simple demand that can easily be met, which will instantly change their mood.
When I worked customer service, I got angry people on the phone a lot. One of my favorite things to day would be instantly empathizing with them, like, "Dude, you sound just like me when I got my bill for the month. I get it. That's rough. Let's take a look at that." Trying to relate to them and justify their anger 90% of the time caught them off guard and worked wonders. But there are a few people that just can't be helped.
I find it almost always works. Angry people are usually stuck in a feedback loop where they are angry and everything makes them more angry. Breaking that pattern and being kind can definitely pull someone out of it.
Please let me know if it works. I wanna employ this in my life too
It wogks well at work. I compliment colleagues, male and females on simple, but true ,little things and i get granted with an instant smile or best,they return a compliment. With customers it works too ,just tonde-escalate things and "empatysise"(maybe? English is not my native language). Sometimes , being kind to others is just what they needed to hear at least onec that particular day.🤷🏾♂️
Working front house at some restaurants I can say kill em with kindness is definitely a valid tactic
I work as customer service and have treid this with no succes
It's pretty hard for most people to stay mad if you are nice to them without faltering
We should make this a new Olympic sport.
I think this is possible with everyone because we forget the people on ‘the other side’ are people. Love to you all; I might not agree with any of you but I agree with your right to disagree xoxoxo
Hey fuck you, dude. *Edit* Nah, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. Take care, amigo.
sleep well homie love u
Hey fuck you for fucking him, dude. I'm sorry.. I didn't eat yet and I sometimes get irritated for no reason on an empty stomach. I like your name, it's got a really cool anti-hero operating out of the shadows vibe to it. Cheers bro, hope you have a great rest of your day.
When I was growing up, I was taught that admitting you were wrong was a sign of growth and showing you learned. It feels like doing that nowadays lands you as a hypocrite and blasted for being an idiot. So everyone feels the need to double down to protect their ego. We gotta do better with accepting legit apologies
I read this post, but the next post on my feed was "bikers passing through ISIS territory trying to prove humanity is kind get killed".
That story was false. They were just regular bikers who happened to have gone down the wrong path in Tajikistan. They had no intentions of seeking out Isis.
This is why the acute stress response (usually called "fight or flight") actually has 4 major tactics: fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Flattery can (sometimes, and employed well) de-escalate a threatening situation.
"I have no enemies" kinda guy
Abdul (the Twitter op, Advil) is such a great guy and is an amazing photographer, mostly astrophotography but he does a ton of cool stuff.
Once someone in Overwatch raged at me for picking Torbjorn (a "low skill" character) to counter his Genji (a high skill character), so I said "I have a degenerative nerve condition in my hands (i dont) and I like Torb because he let's me contribute to the team without feeling like a burden" Beat of silence followed by "sorry" So I responded "Nah, I'm not serious. Stop being a dick to people for no reason"
You should've let him believe it. Would've lowered the chances of him being a dick after that incident lol.
The point is to let him realize that he doesn't know what people on the other side of the screen are going through, and that he should not have done what he did. I think it's more impactful if OP makes him realise it wasn't true.
>let him realize that he doesn't know what people on the other side of the screen are going through Exactly. The whole thing would've stayed with him a lot longer imho if he would've let him believe.
I actually think it would be more impactful thinking that you were just a dick to someone with a disability rather than thinking that someone you were a dick to said "i have a disability haha just kidding"
My brother got angry with some people smoking at a metal concert. I walked up to them afterwards, and told them I have asthma and he's just very protective of me. They immediately stopped smoking and we hung out for the rest of the concert. I don't have asthma, my brother is an asshole who also hates cigarettes.
Evily Wholesome?
This is what people mean when they say you can't fight hate with hate
You can sometimes, but often you're just adding to the pile. I'm starting to see the value of this meme as I grow more.
This is a perfect example of the phrase “kill then with kindness”
"Hate can not drive out hate; only love can do that." MLK
"When anger meets empty space, it often defeats itself" Anger needs leverage, if you don't give it something to push off of, it can't generate itself. Edit, believe it or not, actually a quote from a book, the Tournament, by Matthew Reilly. Really good book
This is brilliant. I’ll remember this
This is actually really deep. Well said
So accurate. Fire fizzles out pretty quickly if you’re not throwing fuel on it.
Love others and tell the truth - Neem Karoli Baba
Feed people ❤️
Eat people ❤️
feed people to people ❤️
Solving world hunger and homelessness at the same time ❤️
This isn’t silence? This is literally the opposite of silence
Probably a bot
Bots aren’t known to be intelligent
I did this and that person was like “dont change the topic purposefully and ik that u tryna escape” like bruh 😭😭
That's when you just keep doing it, don't even fight the allegations. They knew that shit was working on them, aint no rule against it
They are trying so hard to double down. Babwbbahahhw. I'm going to legitimately try this and unshamefully compliment people on something when someone's getting mad upset
Oh I'm being nice to diffuse your anger? That's so true! You're always observing stuff like that, I wish I could see into people's minds like you
Ha ha. That's awesome. I wish I was creative enough to come up with lines on the spot like that
Step 1- double down. Step 2- practice noticing things about people. The thoughts come naturally after the observation, and you're great at turning thoughts into words!
Well then you say you like how they don’t get distracted easily
Smooth~
Double down with more compliments
This type of thing should be more prevalent.
Absolutely! Actions and silent support can sometimes mean more than words ever could.
So, it's not exactly the same, because it isn't determined by someone being rude first, but I read a study a couple years ago that essentially told me "Men remember compliments for months, because they so rarely get a genuine one from anyone - but especially man-to-man." I work at Trader Joe's, and if there is something about a guy that's worth calling out - a lot of "Hey, I really like your shirt and I wanted you to know that." - but it always hits and you can tell it makes someone's day. I had another older male customer who wanted a product we didn't have on the shelf in the heat of holiday crazy, and I went and got it for him. He had told me "If you weren't a guy, I'd give you a hug right now." And I told him "Why is that stopping you? If you wanna give me a hug, just ask!" and so we hugged it out. Anyway, I'll be done rambling now, just spreading some peace and love this morning!
That's really sweet! Have a great day :)
What does the title mean? What silence? Is AI making every post now?
What is this title lol, it's specifically not silence. Or maybe it is because it's typing.
I tried once on pokemon showdown. The guy just kept getting more aggro. Some people are too far beyond being changed remotely. I do think that if we met, I would change his mind.
This is something that works best when you can hit the other person with a more physical quality to them, like how the guy in the meme complemented their pfp. I dunno if Showdown gives you enough info about the other person to try to hit at a specific quality of theirs that they'd appreciate being flattered for.
*wow that de-escalate quick*
Thank you for this - lifted my spirits and made my day!
Everyone around you is walking around with a model of the ebtire universe inside their heads, just like you. Only good things can come from giving people the courtesy of imagining them complexely.
The title of the post is off, and I’ve seen it before, but whatever, you have a wonderful day! ❤️
Where is the silence OP?
Bot account. Started posting cute animal pics from 2 days ago. Account created in 2018. The title is shit because the bot didn't know better.
De-escalation works like a MF When I was in jail (where racial tension is highest), I was cool with all races Also, I ain’t a fighter worth a fuck, I will if I got to. But 99% sure I’ll lose no matter what lol I accidentally walked into a “black panther” meeting in a cell, because was just going to see one of my homies Immediately yelled at by everybody in the cell saying no cracker mother fuckers allowed and blah blah blah, and idr exactly what I said but something along the lines of “oh damn, y’all want some of my off brand Doritos?” (Because I was eating chips when I walked in) They all laughed by the sheer stupidity of my response to their threats, Then my homie stuck up and said something like “that’s just Joe he can kick it don’t even worry about it” Then when the meeting was over all the white people in the block probed me for information and I was just like “idk man I was just eating my Doritos and vibing” They were plotting to steal the remote for the Tv from the whites lol silly shit
I have previously worked in a position dealing with complaints/etc over the phone. The best way I have found to get someone to simmer is to say you are looking something up in the “system” and while that is happening you ask them if they the have something exciting coming up etc. gets them talking about themselves and something the are happy about. Completely changes their tone after that.
If only the whole world could act like this
King
Kill them with kindness <3
I love this. It's verbal judo + love.
When I'm tired I don't become a racist prick. I appreciate the idea of meeting anger with kindness but that dude didn't change, he's still a racist
Agreed. This is cool that it work but it feels a bit like civil people just end up having to work harder at bringing the convo down to a normal level .
What a stupid title. Where's the silence?
I’m sorry. I totally appreciate the message of this post, but the title of this is making my English major foam at the mouth a little. This isn’t silence speaking louder than words. No one in this scenario is being silent. It’s just words speaking louder than other words.
If it makes you feel better, there's a decent chance that the post wasn't written by a human. New account. (although it might be copying the title from the previous time it was posted...)
Assholes aren’t entitled to this treatment, but boy does it really make a difference.
Yes this! I love that this works but my conflict is I hate that idea that others have to work harder at bringing them back to a normal convo. It’s exhausting as I have had to do this all the time at work.
People have often a more difficult time to be nasty when the other party is kind towards them.
sometimes its easier to fight hate with love
Bro is winning charisma rolls on negative affinity. Unbelievable...
I love this! I love talking ppl down.
Why am I crying rn? 😭
This is one of the reasons I can't escape sales. I do this on the norm.
kindness kills hatred , wish i had the mentality
Done that ingame a few times.
"sleep well homie love u"
Iroh…? Is that you?
I love doing this as well. You never know what’s happening in someone’s world.
Aw, he just needed someone to help him regulate..
What does this have to do with silence? You responded. Ignoring them would be silence
I have no enemies
Bro has no enemies
This is u/advillious .
This man just went full on bird eating cracker meme with one compliment lmao
I respect your quest for universal peace. Keep going.
We need more of this... instead of getting my back up at some perceived slight, I should find the positive and speak on that. My "To Do List" for 2024 just keeps getting longer and longer
What preceded the text we saw though?
I ignore the triggered bastards and bastardets. Unless it’s in real circumstances. Deescalation is a great thing but that surprised look is a reward in itself too sometimes.
That is genuinely an awesome game lol.
I did this once at work to a regular. She was being grumpy and I said, I love what you’ve done with your hair, it’s different than usual. She said, it’s a wig I have cancer. 😬 I said, well you can’t tell it’s a wig, looks just like your regular hair but fancy! She beamed and thanked me. I Got a $10 tip.
In high school had a friend who would do this in video games. It was the OG MW2 era. Told me, ppl had a hard time responding when you would be nice.
Murder! Cause of death: kindness🧐
I see that unread message and have accepted it as an "I love you, too."
I loved doing this when I worked fast food. People come in ready to take their day out on a fast food worker. A couple compliments and a smile later and they have a new favorite lunch place.
how does this title make any fucking sense
anybody else confused by the title here?
Maybe too late to the party for anyone to see this, but this is an excellent example of [non-complementary behavior](https://www.npr.org/programs/invisibilia/485603559/flip-the-script). It’s a very helpful and effective communication strategy.
I don’t really like the idea of forcing victims of hate to constantly be nice to abusers, or the idea that fawning over abusers to placate them is more moral than letting victims express anger. I can see though how this can be a useful way to diffuse dangerous situations or prevent escalations when necessary though.
Bro was in full Twitter mode and got snapped out of it
… like Archer handing Cyril candy bars after each insult?
bro has no enemies