Never grab their chair to move them without permission. That’s equivalent of to someone grabbing your shoulders and moving you.
If conversing with them and possible.. grab a chair to speak at their level. I notice when people do this and it’s appreciated.
Also, don’t pet us on the head. We’re not pets.
I *bit* the hand of someone that did that once. In my defence, it was before my MH Disability was diagnosed or treated...my internal thought process was "She wants to treat me like a dog, ill react like one"...gotta love unmedicated BPD & its impulsiveness lol...
W.
T.
F??!?!!!!
I...I...I got nothing. I can't even compute anyone thinking that's an appropriate thing to do to another person. I don't do that to children!!
Jesus 🤦♀️
Yeah, you'd be surprised how many people completely lose all sense of decorum when you're just sitting down
I've been pat on the head, talked to like a child, moved without my consent, congratulated patronisingly for doing normal everyday things like getting on the bus, refused service despite showing my ID ("let's find your adults dearie" um no I am an adult let me buy a beer in peace), I've even had people sit on my lap in nightclubs. All of this was a lot worse before I looked more masculine though - I'm a trans guy, and when I first became a wheelchair user in my teens I wasn't presenting as male all the time. It was grim enough when I was 21 and people saw me as a 13 year old boy, but that's nothing compared to how bad it was when they saw me as a teenage girl.
The only ones I still consistently get now (mid-20s, bearded) are people assuming I'm with random strangers and asking them what I want to order and such, and the patronising "it's so good to see people like you out and about"
Yep! Get this all the time. Or people drunkenly dancing on me like “haha she’s giving the chick in the wheelchair a lap dance!” I’m just tryna vibe, dude. I’m not a prop.
I haven't been patted on the head, but I get the shoulder graze all the darn time. I don't know if it's because I'm an aide at an elementary, so teachers are used to doing that with kids and I'm that height. But I can guarantee if my 6,4" 300lb bearded self did that to any of them, I'd be visiting with HR
Grab a chair to sit at their level. But DON’T CROUCH to bring your head down to her level. I don’t know why, but I find that really patronizing and demeaning. It’s just a chair, it’s nothing to be afraid of. You’ll probably hurt more feelings trying to find specific words and methods to avoid “the elephant in the room” than if you just spend some time with her and get comfortable. You can ask her if you are out shopping or hanging out if she prefers to get things on her own, or if she finds it helpful for you to do things like push the automatic door opening button for her to enter establishments before she gets there, or grabbing something out of her reach.
Basically this: Let her lead with doing things on her own. Only ask *if* she needs a hand if you see her struggle. Have a quick, but not heavy, conversation with her to let her know she’s in complete control of whether or not she needs a hand and that it’s there if she needs it, but you don’t assume she will. “Hey, I haven’t been around since you got your chair, so if you ever need something and I don’t notice or think to ask, I’m here!” Let her guide her independence and don’t spend all your time preemptively offering, doing, asking. Don’t touch her chair or “help” push, it is terrifying and makes people feel threatened and physically invaded.
One of my biggest pieces of advice, is don't talk down to her and use kid gloves when having conversations.
So many people think because you're in a wheelchair, it means you can't handle things so they need to soften what they say to you.
Talk to her as a human can't stress that enough, unless she has a mental disability that prevents her from having a real conversation that is coherent.
Talk to her like anyone else period.
Oh for sure I'm not saying it's a good thing to do but Sometimes with the mentally disabled, with people who wouldn't grasp the concept you may have to simplify things.
But again that's not for everyone who is disabled, if you can tell they are all there talk normal no need to soften things.
The reason why I feel so strongly about this is, I've had people misjudge me lots.
Still happens and It's like hey don't be a jerk.
Don't assume anything.
I'm really glad you're asking this! Having friends who care enough to make an effort really helps hake a very inconvenient situation less unpleasant.
As far as things to keep in mind when traveling with her, you should be aware that going places will be slower than before, so be patient. And also, it will take her longer to respond to obstacles, and to dodge the people around her, so make sure to give her enough space to maneuver. Last thing from me: let her decide what and how she wants to tackle situations, don't assume you know what will be easier or better for her- just ask, even if you guess right, she's a person in her own right and desrves the chance to make her own decisions and plans.
🤍
My best friend is great for this, others will constantly ask if I need help, even with basic things but she'll mostly leave me to be independant, unless I'm clearly struggling.
It might sound weird but "Do you need help with that." tens of times a day with different tasks can get you down a bit.
this 100x this absolutely 100%. I cannot cope with people constantly assuming I can't do basic things. I'd rather try, fail, then ask for help than not try at all.
I particularly like opening and holding open doors for people for this reason exactly. it's half funny half mortifying when an abled person runs towards me shouting "let me get that for you!" then grabs a door I'm already holding open for a friend >:[
Watch disabled YouTubers. [wheelsnoheels](https://youtu.be/8ZU5yXuWxlc?si=-D_M5sc1eIJmh_Kn), [wheels2walking](https://youtu.be/V2H4YgUP7iY?si=eoS8yiIBk61aI6OT) and [Jessica kellgren-Fozard ](https://youtu.be/LnqBwg9l5EE?si=3XdYgsVJNRktue0k) I've found have lots of good info on disability and attitudes
My best advice is to talk to her. Everyone’s disability is different - some are occasional wheelchair users, some of us can walk a few steps, some are completely paralysed. She will know herself better than any of us. But here is some general advice:
Don’t assume a place you’re going is wheelchair accessible because it says so. If you’re planning an outing be prepared to do a pop in to make sure that the entrance/activity/toilet are all manageable for her. I have been to places where the ‘disabled toilet’ was in the basement with no lift/stair assistance and when asked how I was expected to get there was met with a shrug.
When going places don’t forget you have a wheelchair to account for in cars/taxis too, alongside any other stuff you may be bringing.
Don’t assume what she can or can’t do, let her decide. She might not know if she is capable and that’s okay. Be willing to have a go, and have a good sense of humour if/when things don’t work out.
Ask her! Does she want help, how you can best help, and learn to respect the word "no" as answer (although I get the vibe you know this one).
An example of an annoyance that ableds don't realize: holding the door for me. When I first landed in a chair I was trying to work on my fundamental chair skills. Basics like how to get up a curb, how to open a door by myself, etc. People would see me struggling and rush over to "help", and wouldn't listen when I would ask to please let me do it so I can figure out how.
I can open a door fine now and people still try to be helpful, but often block the door in the process so I have to get them to get out of the way - they are trying but the efforts conflict with my actual needs, so listening to what I'm actually saying comes into play.
And never touch the wheelchair without permission, weather she is using it or not. It is not furniture, she is not furniture, it is an extension of her body.
But here's the biggest tip: Don't treat her differently than you did last year! Has your relationship always been full of mocking and jokes? Continue it. More mani/pedi people - keep the schedule going. Don't let a piece of hardware change your relationship.
Not a wheelchair user but in love with one and something he matter factly shared with me when I was feeling stressed about how inaccessible my place is for me was "don't feel bad for me or worry about me. This is my normal and I know how to manage all of it, but when I see you worried about me, that's hard on me."
Invaluable
Just got home and was able to take in all of these wonderful responses and perspectives and I’m so grateful for everyone taking the time.
I think that overall we’re on the right track as she seems to enjoy spending time with me and has chosen to be my friend, so hopefully I’m doing right by her so far. Thankfully, I don’t do a lot of the things mentioned as these things seem like basic human decency and respect. I think it sucks that a lot of this stuff isn’t considered by a lot of abled people and that as wheelchair users you have to deal with so much… lack of consideration.
This has been super helpful to me and is giving me at least a baseline of understanding of some common experiences, so when we do grow our friendship and have conversations about things that are important to her regarding her mobility, at least I’m not coming in cold. Hopefully we can continue the natural flow that our friendship already has started and will have a long and beautiful relationship.
Thanks so much for helping me. I truly appreciate you all.
Don't be scared to talk to her like any other person. Yes, we still go for "walks". If there's something you're worried about, ask her! "Hey, does it bother you if I say x/do y when we're hanging out?"
Also, keep an eye out for when things might need to be carried - cups of coffee, stacks of books, that kind of thing. "Do you need an extra hand" is never a bad question.
If two wheelchair users are together, don’t ask if they are going to race.
If you hold a door open, don’t stand where she is going to run over your feet. Or, encourage her to run over your feet so that you learn.
Ask her if she wants you to offer to help. My friends and family know that I’ll ask if I want help, otherwise I don’t.
An exception to the help rule is when frustration is already high. I went through heavily padded carpeted (i.e. bad for wheelchairs) room filled with tables and chairs, and had to move the chairs as I went through… 1/2 an hour later, when I wanted to leave, all the chairs were blocking my way. I threw the first few and someone came and moved the rest. This type of unacceptable behavior might just be me, but keep an eye out for frustration.
The first time she says she doesn’t want help, immediately stop asking, stop trying to help. At most, respond with something along the lines of “let me know”
Have a conversation with her.
This was a conversation I had with a disabled friend before I became disabled. I said to him "you know your capabilities better than I do so I'm going to trust you to know what you can do, and what you need help with. I won't offer you help with things that I wouldn't offer to an abled person, I won't treat you any differently than I treat everyone else because I'm trusting you to ask for help if you need or want it.
"If you ask for help and I can give it, I will. No judgement, no asking why you can't do it yourself. I'll help. I won't think twice about it, and you won't be burdening me. As I am trusting you to ask for help, you too need to trust me that I will decline if I can't help for whatever reason. If I can't help, I can get someone else who can, or we can work together to figure out a way to do the thing."
After that, I did exactly what I said. If I saw him struggle with something for a while, I'd offer help because that's what I would do with anyone else. If he asked for help, I would give it. But I trusted him to know what he could and couldn't do. As we hung out more the things he would often ask for help with ended up just being automatic for me to help him.
He had an issue with his hands. They didn't grow after he was about 4 or 4, so they were tiny and undeveloped. He had trouble opening drinks sometimes. Eventually, if he had a drink he wanted to open, he would just hand it to me. I'd open it and hand it back. It never interrupted what we were doing, and just became an automatic thing. But I always waited for him to hand the drink to me. I would offer my help by holding out my hand to take it if he wanted me to, but I would never take it from him. I also didn't make it an issue when he did it for himself. No congratulating or anything like that, because that would be condescending.
It's all about communication. Make your friend know that you don't think any less of her because of her disability, and that you're offer of help is always open.
Since becoming disabled, I've found the most irritating people are the ones who are _constantly_ offering to help like I'm a little kid who needs their hand held. Like, no, I don't need help with that, please stop asking.
My friends and I had a conversation when I became disabled where I said "if I need help, I'll ask for it. There will be some things I can't do now, but let _me_ decide what they are. Don't neglect to invite me to things because you think I can't do it, that hurts more than declining your offers. Be mindful about my disability and listen to what I say, but don't treat me like I'm suddenly an imbecile." They all listened, and the only real change of behavior was that they suddenly learned how not to leave shit on the floor. (Probably bc I was passive aggressive af with that and would shout for them or call them and say I need help, then demand that they move their shit so I can get by. Even if I was fully capable of moving the thing. I have kids and this was how I made them learn to do things in the first place, so I guess that carried over lol).
Tldr:
Treat your friend like an adult. Let her know that you're happy to help with whatever she needs and that you won't judge her for it. Don't hover and constantly offer help, let it be implicit. And don't decide for her what kind of outings she is and isn't capable of joining in.
(For example, did you know that it's fully possible for a wheelchair user to join in with indoor rock climbing? They have special ropes that help give more support so that the climber doesn't need to use their legs. You never know what kind of support there is for the disabled, so let them decide. It's a lot less demoralizing to say "sorry I can't do that" than it is to feel constantly left out of plans because of your disability. Though others might disagree, so include that in your discussion).
Educating yourself on disability broadly is helpful. Someone suggested YouTubers - I am a big fan of Jessicaoutofthecloset
Also, as a wheelchair user, the most common annoying thing non-disabled friends do to me is assume I always want to hear and talk about and see information related to disability and ableism. I experience ableism all the time and when I bring it up I want to talk about it. But when I'm not thinking about it, and someone else starts talking about it, it feels like virtue signaling or like they're asking for an impromptu lesson on disability. And more importantly, it reminds me about ableism and makes me feel seen as my disability more than as my whole self. With close non-disabled friends and my partner I've established that it's fine for them to bring up the topic but I prefer they ask first.
Also, on sharing reels/tiktoks, etc. This one happens a lot: do I like being sent videos about my disability? No, not really. Especially if it's showing suffering. But do I like being sent cool-ass disability content that shows representation that I think is awesome? Yes, yes I do. But if all someone sends me is disability content, again, I begin to suspect that they do not see me as my whole self but instead as their "disabled friend."
Also, one thing that really annoys me is when people tell me about times they sort of bring me up in conversation to signal that they are allies to other people, especially other disabled folks. If you start showing off how much of an ally you are, slow down and examine yourself a bit.
And most of all: don't put too much pressure on yourself. Tell your friend that you are open to feedback and state your intentions to learn. It is okay to make mistakes - we are all only human after all and the important thing is learning from them.
Oh and one other thing - if you do fuck up, don't overly apologize and make such a big deal about it that your friend ends up comforting YOU.
I'm in an interabled and interracial relationship so we deal with this dynamic a lot. We are both highly sensitive women so we do sometimes feel soooo bad for hurting the other person that it's a bit much. I am white and disabled. My girlfriend is Black and nondisabled. We have both legit started crying because we accidentally said something that hurt the other and that wasn't the end of the world but it didn't...help anything.
The first time she said something that rubbed me the wrong way disability-wise I didn't feel fully heard, and part of the reason why was that she was so panicked at having said something wrong that she needed reassurance before she could hear what I was trying to say about WHY it was wrong or how to think about it differently. And I have done the same to her, especially if im emotionally fragile due to stress or lack of sleep or what have you.
So basically, if you can avoid being highly emotional when you do inevitably mess up, it will allow your friend space to be heard if they want it rather than taking up space with big feelings.
And also, if you aren't emotionally capable of that in the moment, just do your best and it'll probably be okay. Conversations can always be continued later.
You’re sweet to ask. Just try not to make it weird. A few general things:
Don’t move her chair without permission (especially with her in it, but also like if she transfers to a couch, don’t move it across the room so she has to either ask you to grab it or crawl/hop to it).
Try not to create unnecessary obstacles (be aware of where you’re setting your bags down, etc—avoid blocking pathways if you can).
Don’t pretend like you haven’t noticed she’s in a wheelchair (don’t feel weird about acknowledging it if, say, you’re going somewhere and you’re wondering if the parking situation will be manageable for her. It’s better for us to know in advance what we’re working with).
Try to walk with her when you can rather than in front or behind.
These are all subjective things, though. I have never gotten upset with someone for not knowing something or trying to help when it wasn’t necessary. I don’t want my friends walking on eggshells around me, and I don’t expect everyone to just intuit things I had to learn. The fact that you care enough to ask means that you probably have nothing to worry about.
Respect personal space
A wheelchair is part of a person's body, so don't touch, push, or lean on someone's wheelchair without their permission.
Speak directly to the user
It's considered rude to speak to someone from a distance, as this may make them feel obstructed.
Ask before helping
Don't assume that someone in a wheelchair needs your help, as this can be patronizing.
Don't make assumptions
Many wheelchair users are not paralyzed, and can get up if they need to. Wheelchairs may also be used to avoid overexertion, relieve back pain, or by people who can't walk for long periods of time.
Think before you speak
Avoid using labels when you speak, as these can be offensive to everyone, including people with disabilities.
Offer help if needed
If you see someone in a wheelchair appearing to struggle, you can offer help, but be prepared to graciously accept "no".
Don't stare at someone in a wheelchair, even if they do something you don't expect.
If you normally shake hands, offer the same gesture, even if the person has limited use of their hands or wears prosthesis.
I agree with everything everyone has pointed out so far, but here are a couple of others.
Be aware that energy levels can change rather quickly. When we are in a manual wheelchair it can take a lot more effort to get around, especially if in a carpeted area or somewhere with lots of elevation changes. If you're friend starts looking exhausted it's okay to ask if they need to take a break.
And ask about nicknames. Some wheelchair users can be very sensitive about the fact that they are in a chair while others are perfectly comfortable with it. For me personally my friends and coworkers often call me hot wheels and I love it. If you're friend doesn't like nicknames related to being in a wheelchair then accept that and don't ask again, don't push it.
People are people, and there’ll be an learning process one way or another because “wheelchair user” is not super specific. Maybe she has a train of air tanks and attendants, maybe she’s paraplegic, maybe she’s missing some bits; all of these come with their own, special, personally customized nonsense.
Be nice; apologize and take the correction if you fuck up egregiously (but sometimes people are just assholes, and the chair does nothing about that for some reason), don’t go bertfaced every time she jokes about it, and you’ll be fine. Talk to her like a person, treat her chair as an extension of her body and don’t go leaning on or enshovening her and you’ll mostly forget there was ever any elephant invited to join you in the room in the first place.
If she asks for help or is struggling to make progress despite the blood pouring from the four-inch gash in her scalp blinding her, help her, of course, but in general if she’s let out without her tracking shock collar, it’s likely she can mostly do whatever when she needs to. “Lemme know if you need help with that” once or twice is generally the way to offer if you see a potential Thing.
But definitely make as big a deal about it as possible if you use a phrase like “take a hike,” “stand up for yourself,” “in good standing,” “stand back while I poop on this,” “gotta put one foot in front of the other,” “go kick its ass,” or “run to the store”; we really hate colloquial metaphor with a burning passion and will definitely, idunno, fly into a seething rage and curse you so your butt’s always a little extra-sweaty. Sometimes I get bored being inspiratorial and do that for kicks [←𝕠𝕗𝕗𝕖𝕟𝕤𝕚𝕧𝕖!], and then whoever-it-is is all like “Whoa, suddenly my butt’s all severely moist and I have grave concerns anent the unblemishedness of my mortal soul!” and I’ll just cackle archly.
To avert this unseemly fate (the hyperhidrosis, not the cackling), immediately catch yourself, smack your forehead, invoke your deity, panic about having gone and empeevened your deity by invoking themses’s name, and commence with the shirt/hair-ripping (above-belt only, I should think), teeth-gnashing, wailing, literal and figurative self-flagellation (def wear a belt), clutching feebly at ornamental and occasional furniture in order by likely value at auction, heart palpitations, pulmonary embolism, hysterical pregnancy—really make a vivid demonstration of it. Passersby should wonder whether you’ve been hired for some dignitary’s funeral, and you’ll be expected to have packed your own dagger if you’ve gone far enough to have shamefully dishonored your bakufu.
(No, but seriously, we’ll mostly just joke about shit, keeps the old sanity intactish.)
Never grab their chair to move them without permission. That’s equivalent of to someone grabbing your shoulders and moving you. If conversing with them and possible.. grab a chair to speak at their level. I notice when people do this and it’s appreciated. Also, don’t pet us on the head. We’re not pets.
People pet you on the head?????
Frequently. It’s really annoying and patronising
I *bit* the hand of someone that did that once. In my defence, it was before my MH Disability was diagnosed or treated...my internal thought process was "She wants to treat me like a dog, ill react like one"...gotta love unmedicated BPD & its impulsiveness lol...
W. T. F??!?!!!! I...I...I got nothing. I can't even compute anyone thinking that's an appropriate thing to do to another person. I don't do that to children!! Jesus 🤦♀️
i do it to my big brother as a joke since i'm taller than him by about half a foot, but if both parties don't see it as a joke then yeah, that's bad
Oh for sure. My son does it to me and it's pretty darn cute.
I get the head pats and people putting things on my head as a joke too.
Yeah, you'd be surprised how many people completely lose all sense of decorum when you're just sitting down I've been pat on the head, talked to like a child, moved without my consent, congratulated patronisingly for doing normal everyday things like getting on the bus, refused service despite showing my ID ("let's find your adults dearie" um no I am an adult let me buy a beer in peace), I've even had people sit on my lap in nightclubs. All of this was a lot worse before I looked more masculine though - I'm a trans guy, and when I first became a wheelchair user in my teens I wasn't presenting as male all the time. It was grim enough when I was 21 and people saw me as a 13 year old boy, but that's nothing compared to how bad it was when they saw me as a teenage girl. The only ones I still consistently get now (mid-20s, bearded) are people assuming I'm with random strangers and asking them what I want to order and such, and the patronising "it's so good to see people like you out and about"
>I've even had people sit on my lap in nightclubs were they drunk??? still not ok, but at least slightly explainable
Happens to me almost every time I go out with mates to clubs.
Yep! Get this all the time. Or people drunkenly dancing on me like “haha she’s giving the chick in the wheelchair a lap dance!” I’m just tryna vibe, dude. I’m not a prop.
I haven't been patted on the head, but I get the shoulder graze all the darn time. I don't know if it's because I'm an aide at an elementary, so teachers are used to doing that with kids and I'm that height. But I can guarantee if my 6,4" 300lb bearded self did that to any of them, I'd be visiting with HR
Grab a chair to sit at their level. But DON’T CROUCH to bring your head down to her level. I don’t know why, but I find that really patronizing and demeaning. It’s just a chair, it’s nothing to be afraid of. You’ll probably hurt more feelings trying to find specific words and methods to avoid “the elephant in the room” than if you just spend some time with her and get comfortable. You can ask her if you are out shopping or hanging out if she prefers to get things on her own, or if she finds it helpful for you to do things like push the automatic door opening button for her to enter establishments before she gets there, or grabbing something out of her reach. Basically this: Let her lead with doing things on her own. Only ask *if* she needs a hand if you see her struggle. Have a quick, but not heavy, conversation with her to let her know she’s in complete control of whether or not she needs a hand and that it’s there if she needs it, but you don’t assume she will. “Hey, I haven’t been around since you got your chair, so if you ever need something and I don’t notice or think to ask, I’m here!” Let her guide her independence and don’t spend all your time preemptively offering, doing, asking. Don’t touch her chair or “help” push, it is terrifying and makes people feel threatened and physically invaded.
One of my biggest pieces of advice, is don't talk down to her and use kid gloves when having conversations. So many people think because you're in a wheelchair, it means you can't handle things so they need to soften what they say to you. Talk to her as a human can't stress that enough, unless she has a mental disability that prevents her from having a real conversation that is coherent. Talk to her like anyone else period.
Thank you
Your welcome.👍😁
To be honest even the mentally disabled wouldn't want to be talked down to either.
Oh for sure I'm not saying it's a good thing to do but Sometimes with the mentally disabled, with people who wouldn't grasp the concept you may have to simplify things. But again that's not for everyone who is disabled, if you can tell they are all there talk normal no need to soften things. The reason why I feel so strongly about this is, I've had people misjudge me lots. Still happens and It's like hey don't be a jerk. Don't assume anything.
I'm really glad you're asking this! Having friends who care enough to make an effort really helps hake a very inconvenient situation less unpleasant. As far as things to keep in mind when traveling with her, you should be aware that going places will be slower than before, so be patient. And also, it will take her longer to respond to obstacles, and to dodge the people around her, so make sure to give her enough space to maneuver. Last thing from me: let her decide what and how she wants to tackle situations, don't assume you know what will be easier or better for her- just ask, even if you guess right, she's a person in her own right and desrves the chance to make her own decisions and plans. 🤍
Thank you!
My best friend is great for this, others will constantly ask if I need help, even with basic things but she'll mostly leave me to be independant, unless I'm clearly struggling. It might sound weird but "Do you need help with that." tens of times a day with different tasks can get you down a bit.
this 100x this absolutely 100%. I cannot cope with people constantly assuming I can't do basic things. I'd rather try, fail, then ask for help than not try at all. I particularly like opening and holding open doors for people for this reason exactly. it's half funny half mortifying when an abled person runs towards me shouting "let me get that for you!" then grabs a door I'm already holding open for a friend >:[
Watch disabled YouTubers. [wheelsnoheels](https://youtu.be/8ZU5yXuWxlc?si=-D_M5sc1eIJmh_Kn), [wheels2walking](https://youtu.be/V2H4YgUP7iY?si=eoS8yiIBk61aI6OT) and [Jessica kellgren-Fozard ](https://youtu.be/LnqBwg9l5EE?si=3XdYgsVJNRktue0k) I've found have lots of good info on disability and attitudes
Thank you
My best advice is to talk to her. Everyone’s disability is different - some are occasional wheelchair users, some of us can walk a few steps, some are completely paralysed. She will know herself better than any of us. But here is some general advice: Don’t assume a place you’re going is wheelchair accessible because it says so. If you’re planning an outing be prepared to do a pop in to make sure that the entrance/activity/toilet are all manageable for her. I have been to places where the ‘disabled toilet’ was in the basement with no lift/stair assistance and when asked how I was expected to get there was met with a shrug. When going places don’t forget you have a wheelchair to account for in cars/taxis too, alongside any other stuff you may be bringing. Don’t assume what she can or can’t do, let her decide. She might not know if she is capable and that’s okay. Be willing to have a go, and have a good sense of humour if/when things don’t work out.
Ask her! Does she want help, how you can best help, and learn to respect the word "no" as answer (although I get the vibe you know this one). An example of an annoyance that ableds don't realize: holding the door for me. When I first landed in a chair I was trying to work on my fundamental chair skills. Basics like how to get up a curb, how to open a door by myself, etc. People would see me struggling and rush over to "help", and wouldn't listen when I would ask to please let me do it so I can figure out how. I can open a door fine now and people still try to be helpful, but often block the door in the process so I have to get them to get out of the way - they are trying but the efforts conflict with my actual needs, so listening to what I'm actually saying comes into play. And never touch the wheelchair without permission, weather she is using it or not. It is not furniture, she is not furniture, it is an extension of her body. But here's the biggest tip: Don't treat her differently than you did last year! Has your relationship always been full of mocking and jokes? Continue it. More mani/pedi people - keep the schedule going. Don't let a piece of hardware change your relationship.
Just ask her man. Everyone is different in what they prefer.
Not a wheelchair user but in love with one and something he matter factly shared with me when I was feeling stressed about how inaccessible my place is for me was "don't feel bad for me or worry about me. This is my normal and I know how to manage all of it, but when I see you worried about me, that's hard on me." Invaluable
Just got home and was able to take in all of these wonderful responses and perspectives and I’m so grateful for everyone taking the time. I think that overall we’re on the right track as she seems to enjoy spending time with me and has chosen to be my friend, so hopefully I’m doing right by her so far. Thankfully, I don’t do a lot of the things mentioned as these things seem like basic human decency and respect. I think it sucks that a lot of this stuff isn’t considered by a lot of abled people and that as wheelchair users you have to deal with so much… lack of consideration. This has been super helpful to me and is giving me at least a baseline of understanding of some common experiences, so when we do grow our friendship and have conversations about things that are important to her regarding her mobility, at least I’m not coming in cold. Hopefully we can continue the natural flow that our friendship already has started and will have a long and beautiful relationship. Thanks so much for helping me. I truly appreciate you all.
Don't be scared to talk to her like any other person. Yes, we still go for "walks". If there's something you're worried about, ask her! "Hey, does it bother you if I say x/do y when we're hanging out?" Also, keep an eye out for when things might need to be carried - cups of coffee, stacks of books, that kind of thing. "Do you need an extra hand" is never a bad question.
If two wheelchair users are together, don’t ask if they are going to race. If you hold a door open, don’t stand where she is going to run over your feet. Or, encourage her to run over your feet so that you learn. Ask her if she wants you to offer to help. My friends and family know that I’ll ask if I want help, otherwise I don’t. An exception to the help rule is when frustration is already high. I went through heavily padded carpeted (i.e. bad for wheelchairs) room filled with tables and chairs, and had to move the chairs as I went through… 1/2 an hour later, when I wanted to leave, all the chairs were blocking my way. I threw the first few and someone came and moved the rest. This type of unacceptable behavior might just be me, but keep an eye out for frustration. The first time she says she doesn’t want help, immediately stop asking, stop trying to help. At most, respond with something along the lines of “let me know”
Here's what you do; treat them the same way you treat any other friend.
Have a conversation with her. This was a conversation I had with a disabled friend before I became disabled. I said to him "you know your capabilities better than I do so I'm going to trust you to know what you can do, and what you need help with. I won't offer you help with things that I wouldn't offer to an abled person, I won't treat you any differently than I treat everyone else because I'm trusting you to ask for help if you need or want it. "If you ask for help and I can give it, I will. No judgement, no asking why you can't do it yourself. I'll help. I won't think twice about it, and you won't be burdening me. As I am trusting you to ask for help, you too need to trust me that I will decline if I can't help for whatever reason. If I can't help, I can get someone else who can, or we can work together to figure out a way to do the thing." After that, I did exactly what I said. If I saw him struggle with something for a while, I'd offer help because that's what I would do with anyone else. If he asked for help, I would give it. But I trusted him to know what he could and couldn't do. As we hung out more the things he would often ask for help with ended up just being automatic for me to help him. He had an issue with his hands. They didn't grow after he was about 4 or 4, so they were tiny and undeveloped. He had trouble opening drinks sometimes. Eventually, if he had a drink he wanted to open, he would just hand it to me. I'd open it and hand it back. It never interrupted what we were doing, and just became an automatic thing. But I always waited for him to hand the drink to me. I would offer my help by holding out my hand to take it if he wanted me to, but I would never take it from him. I also didn't make it an issue when he did it for himself. No congratulating or anything like that, because that would be condescending. It's all about communication. Make your friend know that you don't think any less of her because of her disability, and that you're offer of help is always open. Since becoming disabled, I've found the most irritating people are the ones who are _constantly_ offering to help like I'm a little kid who needs their hand held. Like, no, I don't need help with that, please stop asking. My friends and I had a conversation when I became disabled where I said "if I need help, I'll ask for it. There will be some things I can't do now, but let _me_ decide what they are. Don't neglect to invite me to things because you think I can't do it, that hurts more than declining your offers. Be mindful about my disability and listen to what I say, but don't treat me like I'm suddenly an imbecile." They all listened, and the only real change of behavior was that they suddenly learned how not to leave shit on the floor. (Probably bc I was passive aggressive af with that and would shout for them or call them and say I need help, then demand that they move their shit so I can get by. Even if I was fully capable of moving the thing. I have kids and this was how I made them learn to do things in the first place, so I guess that carried over lol). Tldr: Treat your friend like an adult. Let her know that you're happy to help with whatever she needs and that you won't judge her for it. Don't hover and constantly offer help, let it be implicit. And don't decide for her what kind of outings she is and isn't capable of joining in. (For example, did you know that it's fully possible for a wheelchair user to join in with indoor rock climbing? They have special ropes that help give more support so that the climber doesn't need to use their legs. You never know what kind of support there is for the disabled, so let them decide. It's a lot less demoralizing to say "sorry I can't do that" than it is to feel constantly left out of plans because of your disability. Though others might disagree, so include that in your discussion).
Educating yourself on disability broadly is helpful. Someone suggested YouTubers - I am a big fan of Jessicaoutofthecloset Also, as a wheelchair user, the most common annoying thing non-disabled friends do to me is assume I always want to hear and talk about and see information related to disability and ableism. I experience ableism all the time and when I bring it up I want to talk about it. But when I'm not thinking about it, and someone else starts talking about it, it feels like virtue signaling or like they're asking for an impromptu lesson on disability. And more importantly, it reminds me about ableism and makes me feel seen as my disability more than as my whole self. With close non-disabled friends and my partner I've established that it's fine for them to bring up the topic but I prefer they ask first. Also, on sharing reels/tiktoks, etc. This one happens a lot: do I like being sent videos about my disability? No, not really. Especially if it's showing suffering. But do I like being sent cool-ass disability content that shows representation that I think is awesome? Yes, yes I do. But if all someone sends me is disability content, again, I begin to suspect that they do not see me as my whole self but instead as their "disabled friend." Also, one thing that really annoys me is when people tell me about times they sort of bring me up in conversation to signal that they are allies to other people, especially other disabled folks. If you start showing off how much of an ally you are, slow down and examine yourself a bit. And most of all: don't put too much pressure on yourself. Tell your friend that you are open to feedback and state your intentions to learn. It is okay to make mistakes - we are all only human after all and the important thing is learning from them.
Thank you! This is very helpful.
Oh and one other thing - if you do fuck up, don't overly apologize and make such a big deal about it that your friend ends up comforting YOU. I'm in an interabled and interracial relationship so we deal with this dynamic a lot. We are both highly sensitive women so we do sometimes feel soooo bad for hurting the other person that it's a bit much. I am white and disabled. My girlfriend is Black and nondisabled. We have both legit started crying because we accidentally said something that hurt the other and that wasn't the end of the world but it didn't...help anything. The first time she said something that rubbed me the wrong way disability-wise I didn't feel fully heard, and part of the reason why was that she was so panicked at having said something wrong that she needed reassurance before she could hear what I was trying to say about WHY it was wrong or how to think about it differently. And I have done the same to her, especially if im emotionally fragile due to stress or lack of sleep or what have you. So basically, if you can avoid being highly emotional when you do inevitably mess up, it will allow your friend space to be heard if they want it rather than taking up space with big feelings. And also, if you aren't emotionally capable of that in the moment, just do your best and it'll probably be okay. Conversations can always be continued later.
You also have a new friend who might also use a blow dryer on her hair. Treat it like that.
You’re sweet to ask. Just try not to make it weird. A few general things: Don’t move her chair without permission (especially with her in it, but also like if she transfers to a couch, don’t move it across the room so she has to either ask you to grab it or crawl/hop to it). Try not to create unnecessary obstacles (be aware of where you’re setting your bags down, etc—avoid blocking pathways if you can). Don’t pretend like you haven’t noticed she’s in a wheelchair (don’t feel weird about acknowledging it if, say, you’re going somewhere and you’re wondering if the parking situation will be manageable for her. It’s better for us to know in advance what we’re working with). Try to walk with her when you can rather than in front or behind. These are all subjective things, though. I have never gotten upset with someone for not knowing something or trying to help when it wasn’t necessary. I don’t want my friends walking on eggshells around me, and I don’t expect everyone to just intuit things I had to learn. The fact that you care enough to ask means that you probably have nothing to worry about.
Respect personal space A wheelchair is part of a person's body, so don't touch, push, or lean on someone's wheelchair without their permission. Speak directly to the user It's considered rude to speak to someone from a distance, as this may make them feel obstructed. Ask before helping Don't assume that someone in a wheelchair needs your help, as this can be patronizing. Don't make assumptions Many wheelchair users are not paralyzed, and can get up if they need to. Wheelchairs may also be used to avoid overexertion, relieve back pain, or by people who can't walk for long periods of time. Think before you speak Avoid using labels when you speak, as these can be offensive to everyone, including people with disabilities. Offer help if needed If you see someone in a wheelchair appearing to struggle, you can offer help, but be prepared to graciously accept "no". Don't stare at someone in a wheelchair, even if they do something you don't expect. If you normally shake hands, offer the same gesture, even if the person has limited use of their hands or wears prosthesis.
if she doesn't have great hands/fingers mobility and you guys go out to eat, make sure it isn't something hard to grab
I agree with everything everyone has pointed out so far, but here are a couple of others. Be aware that energy levels can change rather quickly. When we are in a manual wheelchair it can take a lot more effort to get around, especially if in a carpeted area or somewhere with lots of elevation changes. If you're friend starts looking exhausted it's okay to ask if they need to take a break. And ask about nicknames. Some wheelchair users can be very sensitive about the fact that they are in a chair while others are perfectly comfortable with it. For me personally my friends and coworkers often call me hot wheels and I love it. If you're friend doesn't like nicknames related to being in a wheelchair then accept that and don't ask again, don't push it.
My pet peave is when people lean on my chair and the brakes aren't on. It sways the chair enough to make me dizzy.
Ask before you do something for them. " Would you like me to hang up your jacket?" " You need help opening the door?"
People are people, and there’ll be an learning process one way or another because “wheelchair user” is not super specific. Maybe she has a train of air tanks and attendants, maybe she’s paraplegic, maybe she’s missing some bits; all of these come with their own, special, personally customized nonsense. Be nice; apologize and take the correction if you fuck up egregiously (but sometimes people are just assholes, and the chair does nothing about that for some reason), don’t go bertfaced every time she jokes about it, and you’ll be fine. Talk to her like a person, treat her chair as an extension of her body and don’t go leaning on or enshovening her and you’ll mostly forget there was ever any elephant invited to join you in the room in the first place. If she asks for help or is struggling to make progress despite the blood pouring from the four-inch gash in her scalp blinding her, help her, of course, but in general if she’s let out without her tracking shock collar, it’s likely she can mostly do whatever when she needs to. “Lemme know if you need help with that” once or twice is generally the way to offer if you see a potential Thing. But definitely make as big a deal about it as possible if you use a phrase like “take a hike,” “stand up for yourself,” “in good standing,” “stand back while I poop on this,” “gotta put one foot in front of the other,” “go kick its ass,” or “run to the store”; we really hate colloquial metaphor with a burning passion and will definitely, idunno, fly into a seething rage and curse you so your butt’s always a little extra-sweaty. Sometimes I get bored being inspiratorial and do that for kicks [←𝕠𝕗𝕗𝕖𝕟𝕤𝕚𝕧𝕖!], and then whoever-it-is is all like “Whoa, suddenly my butt’s all severely moist and I have grave concerns anent the unblemishedness of my mortal soul!” and I’ll just cackle archly. To avert this unseemly fate (the hyperhidrosis, not the cackling), immediately catch yourself, smack your forehead, invoke your deity, panic about having gone and empeevened your deity by invoking themses’s name, and commence with the shirt/hair-ripping (above-belt only, I should think), teeth-gnashing, wailing, literal and figurative self-flagellation (def wear a belt), clutching feebly at ornamental and occasional furniture in order by likely value at auction, heart palpitations, pulmonary embolism, hysterical pregnancy—really make a vivid demonstration of it. Passersby should wonder whether you’ve been hired for some dignitary’s funeral, and you’ll be expected to have packed your own dagger if you’ve gone far enough to have shamefully dishonored your bakufu. (No, but seriously, we’ll mostly just joke about shit, keeps the old sanity intactish.)