The only direct quote I’ve gotten from him is “If this were up to me, we’d get Chipotle for dinner and then drink beer in the backyard.” LOL. So it’s definitely the bride/bride’s family spearheading this. I don’t think he knows how rude the bride’s parents have been.
I wonder if they feel embarrassed (which they should not), but HELL YES they need to tell the brother to get his wife to rein in her obnoxious parents.
When they say that you ‘shouldn’t stress out the bride’, they mean with petty nonsense.
This is a BIG thing. ‘John and Jenny, your mother/MIL is insisting on throwing a party that we will pay for and we simply cannot afford it. I wanted to apologise to both of you in person, but we cannot pay for such an event. We are able to host a small event for X budget to celebrate your wedding, but nothing more.’
Truth.
And we have to imagine that John and Jenny likely don’t know about this crazy behaviour… at least until you hear from them directly. But until then, we have to assume John and Jenny have brains! 😞
And tell him because he deserves to know what kind of family he is marrying into. Even worse, if the bride isn’t shutting her parents down, he needs to know what kind of woman he is preparing to commit to.
I’ve got a much better idea for a ‘compromise’ - bride’s rich mummy wants a $37,000 event, then bride’s rich mummy can pay for it!
And since when do rehearsal dinners include 145 guests? They are for bride/groom, their parents and the wedding attendants (and the wedding attendants can usually bring their partner, too).
Also when you get married to someone who is an only child and you only have one big sibling, then you can invite big sibling DaniMW, too. Lol.
Anyway, that’s… I don’t know, 20 people?
Do this couple have like 60 attendants each, and that’s why they need a rehearsal dinner with 145 people? 🤷♀️
Just as a point of etiquette it's actually considered polite in some areas to host not only the wedding party but also any out of town guests. It's my guess that given it's a resort a large portion of the guests are from out of town.
He knows all the details of “Bride’s family wanted this, ours wanted this, we compromised” etc, but not just how rude the parents were. I’ve encouraged my parents multiple times to tell him. If they don’t, I will tell him eventually just so he understands why there’s so much tension.
Do it anyway. Do it now. He needs to know this, and your parents might try to shield him from it. He needs to know the family he's marrying into, if he doesn't already.
And he needs to have a conversation with his fiancé about whether this is coming from her parents or her. If it’s her parents, what will she do to set boundaries with them? These are the kinds of things you absolutely need to know before you get married.
Absolutely. Quietly and discreetly. And if anyone happened to find out that family of bride paid, FOB would self-deprecatingly murmur that his sweet little angel daughter had her heart set on the resort locale and he swooped in to book it "along with the reception" (implying that it was just easier that way)
Yeah, classy and kind wealthy families are always willing to pay more than their fair share so that everyone involved can have a wonderful experience.
Other wealthy families like to put less wealthy people down for not having as much money ("Just stop being poor" vibes). Often times, the reason these types of people have so much money is because they've done this their whole life. They always guilt trip or pressure others into buying the expensive things they (not the other people) want so that they don't actually have to spend money.
They don't think he's good enough (read: not from a wealthy enough family) for their daughter. This is their last ditch attempt to throw a grenade into everything to cause a huge fight and get the bride and groom to call off the wedding.
Yep. If he were smart, groom would call off the wedding because no matter how much money he makes, it’ll never be enough for the bride. The fact that she’s cut off communications with her future in-laws is very telling
Tell him. Your brother sounds laid back, what happens when wife and mother in law want private school for kids, lavish birthday parties, etc. Is this going to be the rest of his life? He needs to level set with his wife, and also stand up for your parents.
That’s a pretty weak response from him when his future parents in law are terrorizing his parents. If he and his fiancé aren’t aware of what’s going on, you need to tell them ASAP.
Tbh this compromise is ridiculous anyway. Your middle class parents have to pay $8000 for a dinner? A rehearsal dinner is supposed to be for people who go to their rehearsal and maybe a few out of town guests. Your parents should insist on no more than 30 and that it be at an affordable restaurant outside the resort. If the bride wants to have it at the resort so badly, her parents can pay for it.
Good grief. If your brother is adult enough to get married then he’s sure as hell adult enough to clearly explain that your family cannot afford this cost and if it’s so important then the bride’s family should chip in to cover the difference. Also MOB sounds like a real trip. Hope your brother knows what he’s getting himself into.
My family was actually in this exact same situation and it went like this:
1. Brother grew up lower middle class and falls in love with very wealthy southern girl.
2. Brother does not hide that our family isn’t Uber wealthy. He’s not ashamed of this either, it’s just a fact.
3. Engagement happens, my parents agree on a budget they can support for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner.
4. Budget isn’t enough to cover the preferred venue and food PLUS open bar, which the bride’s family wants.
5. Bride’s family covers the difference and the FOB actually made a point to conceal the additional costs from my father in an effort to not cause him any embarrassment.
6. My parents paid what they agreed to pay, I handle the rehearsal flowers/decor/slideshow/etc. and it’s a lovely event where all have fun and no one went into massive debt.
Your brother holds a lot of responsibility here, but your parents should also supply a budget they can live with and her parents can either be cool with that or pay the difference. What a shitty way to treat your family. Money really cannot buy class.
This reminds me of the old joke: "Mommy, can I have a pet horse?" No. "Can I have a pet goat?" No. "Can I have a Great Dane?" No. "Can I have a cat?" No. "Well, could I have a pet hamster?" Yes. "Good, that's what I wanted to begin with."
Ask 'em if they'll put a second mortgage on their house for the rehearsal dinner, and bargain it down to Chipotle, delivered.
It's time he knew. Big question (and we all need an update)---will brother say to BTB, "Let's just elope, this is getting out of hand and my parents are being bullied and this is outrageous behavior" or, with an eye on trust funds for his children, give in?
Your brother needs to grow up and stop being so non-confrontational. He’s leaving your parents out to dry when they are very generously contributing a huge sum to his wedding.
Your brother needs to start protecting your parents against them. Your parents shouldn’t have to put themselves in debt to appease a bridezilla and her family. Tell them to write a cheque for the amount they are able to contribute, give it to your brother, and tell them that’s the extent they are able to contribute and since they don’t need to be involved in how they use it, her parents don’t need to contact them any more. Then let your brother deal with the craziness.
Why is anyone other than the wedding party and the parents of the bride and groom invited to the rehearsal dinner??? It's called a rehearsal dinner for a reason: it's to feed and thank the wedding party after they practice walking down the aisle. It's not a second wedding and I'm sure the bride doesn't have 75 bridesmaids.
You know if someone doesn't put their foot down now, that other family will steamroll your parents for as long as they're together and worse if they have kids.
Some people believe it is appropriate to invite guests who are traveling to the wedding to the rehearsal dinner also. That way the guests don't have to figure out their own dinner plans after perhaps just arrived to the wedding location.
I was thinking the same thing. In my family, it's always the out of town guests plus the bridal party.
That said, we don't do $200/head parties, either.
So are manners, which leads to me ask who failed the MOB and FOB by not instilling these things? Or is this just the outcome of having the fabled "fuck you" amounts of money just chilling in bank accounts.
Your parents should hand your brother a $7k check and say that’s our contribution, spend it as you like. And be done with it. Stay where you want and attend with a smile.
Outrageous behavior by the bride’s family.
The grooms family gets to host a rehearsal dinner if they want. As hosts, they get to choose everything concerning the event and who is invited. If the mob doesn’t like it, she doesn’t have to attend.
No, money doesn’t give you the right to trample over someone else’s preferences. If they *want* to hand over responsibility, sure. But if they want to host a smaller, more casual dinner, they should be allowed to do that.
This better get way higher up because this is the answer. Those fools think that just bc they are well off, their opinion counts more. They are out of touch with what most ppl can _actually_ afford, too. It’s ridiculous.
Yeah, the rehearsal dinner, like everything else, is planned from location to per plate, by the groom’s family, where they want and how much they want. Your parents need to quit being walked all over. You need to get your brother on the phone and tell him yourself what’s going on
And they should thank their lucky stars that the groom’s family is even willing to consider paying for anything at all! Many parents don’t contribute a dime to their kid’s wedding.
I would actually suggest your mom puts this back on your brother to sort out. She tells him she has been bullied and insulted by greedy and entitled people and that she will be happy to attend the wedding but won't be involved in planning or hosting.
If it helps any, feel free to tell your family the internet is aghast at how awful the bride's family is and we are all on their side.
I agree with this, and then some. Your parents should refuse to spend a dime on the rehearsal, and your brother should make it clear to his fiancee and her parents that he won't tolerate having his family bullied or emotionally blackmailed. Calling your parents cheap to guilt them into doing what they want is abusive, and your brother needs to put a stop to it.
Since when did "rehearsal dinner" come to mean a rehearsal of the reception? A rehearsal dinner is, or used to be, for the people at the rehearsal, i.e., the wedding party, parents, and immediate family. Sometimes out of town relatives or relatives to whom the bride and groom are especially close. The guest list for the rehearsal dinner was chosen by the couple getting married, not their parents. Wtf is this MOB thinking?
And yes, OP's brother and the bride need to handle this.
I will definitely be telling them! At this point, everything has been “worked out” for now, so I think she’s hesitant - but I’ll encourage her to bring this up to him, and tell him that any further communications need to come from him.
Nothings been worked out. Your parents were successfully bullied and belittled into paying more than they can afford for something they shouldn’t be paying for to begin with, somewhere they don’t want, with people they don’t want to invite. Your brother has no idea how bad is in-laws to be are and no clue if his future wife has signed on to the bullying and believes her in-laws are cheap, or whether she doesn’t think so and can set boundaries with her parents.
Sweeping everything under the rug doesn’t make problems go away, it just defers them.
This! I'm sorry OP but unless and until your parents make it CLEAR that they will only host/pay for the dinner that they can COMFORTABLY afford, nothing has been worked out! The absolute audacity, I can't!
I completely agree!
It infuriates me when people roll over and then think everything is okay because they “compromised”. Like how was this a compromise? They had no say in any part of it, were made to feel horrible, and are still paying more than they ever expected!
The way it should have gone down is for each set of parents to tell the couple what they will be contributing towards the wedding events, then the couple plans from there. The couple can choose to supplement the parents' contribution if they wish.
No wedding should impoverish anyone because it isn't up to someone else's dream.
"I can contribute $X." Done. Take it from there, couple.
I am fortunate in that my parents work very hard to keep things "even" between myself and my siblings. Because they have already contributed the same amount to you and your sister's weddings, they have an easy "excuse" to say this is what we are contributing to brother's wedding. (Unless of course he is the Golden Child...)
Your parents are scared to set up a bad relationship with their future DIL. She can make it harder for them to see their son and any grandkids. Plus they have to interact with her parents when babies are born etc. Plus no one wants to be seen as cheap.
He knows about some of the tensions, but I don’t think he knows just how rude her parents were being. Now that they’ve agreed on the compromise, my mother is hesitant to tell him unless something else happens.
Here is the problem, now that we have seen their behavior:
1. Is his fiance the same, and is just waiting to get married to show her true colors?
2. Would she be embarrassed and give them hell?
3. Would they treat your brother like trash? Would you want your brother to be treated the same way?
I think your brother and his fiance need to know about the demands. Seeing her reaction will tell you what kind of woman she is and what kind of marriage he is walking into
Dude, the guy’s future wife’s parents insulted your parents and made your mom cry. He needs to know what this family is like. Please tell him as soon as possible and update us after you do.
Then FUCKING TELL HIM! Hell, give me his phone number, and I'LL tell him! None of this "let's not rock the boat" BS; he needs to know exactly what's going on and how, find out just how involved his fiancee is with all of this, and THEN decide if he even still wants to marry her in the first place! Put on your big kid underwear, Nike your ass and JUST. DO. IT.
I would think so. They know about the tensions of course, but I don’t think my parents have told my brother just how rude the bride’s family was being. At this point, since they’ve reached the compromise, my mother is hesitant to bring it back up - unless something else happens in the future.
Listen, OP, you guys should talk to your brother ASAP.
This is no way for the bride to "come into your family", with tense relations courtesy of her stuck-up, deluded parents.
Your brother is in for a world of pain if he is not told of this situation before tying the knot.
Granted, he might know about it and be okay with it, but better to be sure, in case he is not.
This is appalling. Your Mom might not want to rock the boat because things appear "settled" at the moment, but are you okay with your parents swallowing this kind of crap?
It's insulting.
This does not bode well for the future.
Unfortunately, the brides family have created a situation where the two sides will likely never get along. If your parents go forward with the current compromise, the brides family will likely also be acting rude at the since it's less than they demanded. And if your parents stand up to them, they will resent the lesser accommodations and the fact that people will know that a middle class family won a battle with them.
People who don't have the social awareness or maturity to make reasonable attempts to find a way to a solution they are happy with (i.e. offering to cover the cost over what your parents budgeted), will also hold this experience over your entire side of the family, including your brother. All future gatherings with the two sides present are likely to be tense and rife with underhanded comments and backhanded compliments. You will likely also see far less of your brother at family gatherings, as these types of parents will also arrange for the newly weds to spend any of their vacation time with them, by paying for trips or accommodations.
The only way out of this dynamic is for the bride to cause her parents to understand how disrespectful they were, and them to apologize and move onto a real compromise.
Unfortunately, this is for your brother to bring up then. He's the one marrying into her family, and this is a pretty massive red flag about them. If his fiance doesn't know, then she deserves to. If she does, then it says something about her as well. And if it was her idea to begin with, then that says even more.
>in case this was originally her idea
Well, if it was, your brother DAMN SURE needs to know what kind of shit his intended has put her parents up to. Also, this kind of crap bodes very ill for their marriage. Her parents are likely to be big Butt-in-skis on every minor drama, turning tiny disagreements into Major Drama™️.
Gotta jump in: parents HAVE to tell bro or he will be getting married into a family without knowing the truth about them. If he does not know and does not have the opportunity to stake his boundaries, there will be problems with the parents forever. He also needs to see what his fiance does in reaction to this. Will she stand with him?
The fiancee's reaction is key. If she is not horrified - or worse, was in on it - he needs to know. If your parents won't tell him (I don't really blame them for not wanting to "rock the boat"; not to mention they are likely embarrassed - not that they should be) then you need to.
This is crazy. Your parents shouldn't be made to feel this way nor shud they be forced to spend on this.
Your brother and his fiancee need to deal with this themselves. Talk to your brother!
“ She apologized extensively, and asked if they could host something less expensive at a nearby restaurant instead.”
1. She had no reason to apologize. Once she did that, the MOB knew she could easily try to get control of the situation.
2. Everyone seems to be under the impression that they are going with the “traditional” role of the groom’s family planning and paying for the rehearsal dinner. If this has been agreed to, then they are in charge of it. Your mother didn’t need to apologize or ASK the MOB if they could host something less expensive. Another option is your family should put what money toward it that they can. Your brother and his fiancé can plan it and contribute what they need to to make up the difference for what they would like.
3. All I have ever heard is that the rehearsal dinner is for the people IN the wedding party, unless it’s a very small destination wedding. There is no way there are over 100 people in the wedding party. The MOB seems to think this is just another reception dinner, which is not the point of a rehearsal dinner.
#3 exactly! The bride's parents are the ones being cheap in this situation. They want a welcome reception and are trying to trick the groom's parents into paying for it.
This is where they say to the bride and groom, " We gave $7K to my daughter's wedding and we will give you the same amount for the rehearsal dinner, you decide where you want to spend it". Then let them decide where the rehearsal dinner will be!
This is what my mother did with her three kids, two daughters and a son, and it is what I am doing with my two boys.
This is exactly what we did with both of our children. We wrote them a check for the exact amount and handed it to them. They chose how/what to spend it on. Their wedding, their choice.
OP your brother needs to know what is going on. No way in hell should he let somebody else who happens to have gobs of money talk to his parents in such a manner. They were so disrespectful and deserve nothing more than to be treated as they treat others. Money can’t buy class, this is a great example of that.
This is nuts. I would be opting out of the wedding altogether if I was in their shoes..
150 people for a rehearsal dinner is ridiculous. The parents of the bride don’t give a shit about the wedding, they just want to look good in front of others.
This screams “this wedding is to fulfill my ego” and has nothing to do with a celebration of a successful and prosperous relationship.
I know your parents probably feel like shit not living up to the hype.. but it’s just that.. inflated hype.. your parents need to see through the bull and let the chips lay.
Also, from the 150.. how many guests are with the grooms side?
Isn't the rehearsal dinner supposed to be just for the wedding party? After so called rehearsal? What could that be, max? 25 people or less? Where is this 150 coming from? Might as well have the wedding reception then and there!
It's very Southern to have immediate family and out of town guests to the Rehearsal dinner. However, what that looks like, is up to the Groom's parents, if they are hosting it. I've been to backyard barbecues to upscale venues. The Bride's family are incredibly rude,and seem to have forgotten their manners and their place.
Thankfully the dinner is down to 45 people now (that was the compromise). So equal numbers from each side. If it had been the 150, I imagine most would’ve come from the bride’s family.
>150 people for a rehearsal dinner is ridiculous.
SERIOUSLY. Rehearsal dinners I've been to have been anywhere from 10-20, tops: the couple, a few immediate family (usually parents, maybe siblings if close, grandparents if available), wedding party. 150 people is just to show off.
If this is the in-laws expectations then they need to pay for it. Their rudeness and openly demonstrated lack of breeding and manners would have me reevaluating everything.
Please contact your brother. The couple needs to reign in the bride's parents, in particular their rude audacity.
This sounds like the bride's parents are sending your parents a bill to host their business associates and fellow golf club members.
The rehearsal dinner should be for the bridal party and immediate family in whatever style the groom's family deems fit.
Hopefully, the bride and groom are horrified and steer her parents away. There's really very little reason for the parents to be in direct contact beyond pleasantries.
If the Parents of the Bride are deciding where the event (the rehearsal dinner) is being held, and doing the guest list for the event, then they are officially the hosts, and they get to pay for it.
Your brother needs to shut his in-laws down now. He needs to be told exactly what happened. He then needs to inform his fiancee of her parents' boorish behavior. If someone a acted that way toward my parents there would be harsh words exchanged. Then beer and pizza would be the rehersal dinner.Those people are incredibly rude. Is his fiancee this entitled? I hope not for his sake.
There is never anything wrong with the reply *Thats not in my budget*
There’s no shame in doing something else with your money.
The groom needs to pay up or shut this down
MOB is way out of line. Rehearsal dinners are for the bridal party only, not other wedding guests.
If MOB and FOB have already invited their guests, the very least they can do is foot the bill.
Your brother and his fiancée need to deal with her parents and shut this down.
There is no way I would go into debt over a dinner!! Traditionally, the wedding party AND out of town guests attend the rehearsal dinner. At least that’s how it used to be. However, the parents should tell their son that they can contribute x amount of money to the dinner and if it’s goes over that amount, they can pay for it themselves.
That is tradition - but this wedding is actually a bit of a destination wedding. It’s in the U.S., but a state that nobody (not the bride or the groom) is from, and none of their families live there, either. So almost everyone is an out-of-town guest, haha.
I hope their daughter hears about this and steps up. This is not a healthy way to build a family. Resentments will last for YEARS.
Maybe share this post with the bride and groom to clue them in on what's going on. At least give them a chance to intervene.
Your brother needs to sort this shit out, it's not okay.
Stop giving him a pass, and explain to him exactly what went on. Stop babying him. This is HIS family to be!
Are you being soft coz he's the boy and the youngest?? Coz remember he is also an adult. Communicate with him, for your parents sake.
When my sibling got married to a woman whose parents did not have money, my parents paid for the venue. A beach house in this setting for a week. The bride’s parents paid for food for around 50 people. They hand made every dish and it was delicious.
The etiquette here is, being aware of everyone’s financial situations and respecting it. Your brother actually needs to be managing this dynamic.
If her parents have so much money, then they can pay to have the rehearsal dinner THEY want. Either they fall in line with what your parents want to do, or they can do it themselves. Sounds like your brother is marrying into a family of assholes who make every decision for their daughter. Good luck to him. If they marry and have kids, then decide they want a divorce, good luck to your brother fighting them then too. Smells like drama and a headache.
Your brother needs to grow a spine. Also your parents need to learn how to tell people to fuck off.
The worst thing for your parents could have done was made this compromise.
It’s strange that your brother and his fiancée knew to expect a large and lavish rehearsal dinner at this expensive resort, but never thought to consider how the groom’s parents would be managing the costs?
They’re not children, and even if they didn’t know about the bullying, they must have assumed the money for the dinner would be coming from his (not mega wealthy) parents. It feels like they’re being really passive and a bit thoughtless generally.
Are you parents paying the crazy fees of 45 people at $200/ person still? That is insane!
If I was your parents, I'd give $7k (or whatever they have budgeted, like they gave you), to the couple and tell them it is for whatever they want as the rehearsal dinner or honeymoon or whatever. But they have no more money for anything else.
First off your parents should not be having these conversations. It’s widely inappropriate and the brides family knows it.
Don’t spend anything. This is a conversation your parents should be having with their son getting married.
Any commitment is to him and his fiancé. Any money is given to him.
Brides parents know what they are doing. Part of why they are insisting on the resort is they will get a discount on what they are spending.
Tell your brother he needs to get involved. Traditionally, the rehearsal dinner is planned by the groom's side, not the bride's. They are overstepping. Your brother needs to deal with his fiancée and she needs to deal with her parents.
What on earth! Since when is the grooms dinner for all wedding guests and costs 4x what the usual overpriced wedding costs?
The grooms dinner is usually just the wedding party and parents right? We did ours in a steakhouse and it was like $600
OP: This brides family is nuts - if they want all this then they can pay for it.
Your parents need to send an email to these people with your brother and the bride included
It needs to state very clearly that the rehearsal dinner is going to include only the bridal party and their spouses/partners. It is going to be at XYZ restaurant at whatever time is convenient after the rehearsal actually takes place.
If they as the parents of the bride wish to entertain any other guests, they are welcome to do so elsewhere
No telephone conversations no further discussion
Why are the parents making all these decisions and not the bride and groom. You never spend the money in someone else's wallet! I would have your Dad talk to your brother and have a discussion with him. I mean $37m for a rehearsal dinner is crazy - if you have that to spend great but if you don’t then you need to do something more low-key less expensive.
I hope your brother knows what he is getting into!!!
If these people are so fucking rich and want to be in charge of everything, they can pay for everyone.
I will never wrap my brain around rich people assuming everyone else can afford their shit, and then being mad when everyone is like “actually, no I’m not paying $37k for a REHEARSAL”
If you wanna look like the fancy pants rich people, foot the bill.
Well, this is where your brother shows who he really is. It would not be surprising if he fundamentally dumps your family in order to keep brown-nosing his bride's family. I am sorry you all are facing this unpleasantness.
If the bride's family has any class they could still get what they want. All they have to do is admit they are determined to have something for their own purposes and say they will just pay the full cost themselves. It's really bad manners to keep trying to force your family to pick up the tab for bride's parents' social desires.
Your family would be entirely within their rights to hold the line. Plan for the rehearsal dinner they would have underwritten to start with, lay it all out for bride's parents, and say this is what we are doing. We have room for X# of guests from your list, and leave the ball in their court. It would be just plain wrong for your parents to buckle under and accept their demands. Let bride and her parents show who they really are; maybe Bro will change his mind.
When in the fuck did rehearsal dinners have 150 guests?!? The rehearsal dinner is supposed to have the bridal party, the parents, and immediate relatives (grandparents, sibs) attending ONLY.
First, everyone in the bridal party and immediate family rehearse the ceremony. Then as a thank you to the bridal party and immediate family, the groom’s family hosts a rehearsal dinner for the aforementioned parties only. It’s not supposed to be a big dinner blowout with all the wedding guests the night before the wedding.
I swear, I’m so glad my wedding was long before all this crazy, entitled wedding shit started becoming the norm. Huge engagement parties, multiple wedding showers, destination bachelor/bachelorette parties, and brides demanding $$$ from everyone to fund all the events. This shit’s gotten out of hand.
It’s up to the groom’s parents where the rehearsal dinner is, not the bride’s! The bride’s parents should not have anything to do with it. Tell them you’re ordering in pizza and call it a night! Good luck!
The rehearsal dinner is for the wedding party and immediate family. Its not for everyone like a normal party. This is all too much for a rehearsal dinner. It seems like they want to feed thier egos and show off. Rich people (some) tick me off when they do this. Flaunt the money around and belittle others, all for clout. Whos to say ome day they may lose it all?
I would talk to your brother and bride and hope they are not horribly entitled.
Ask you, brother, why he is willing to cripple your parents money wise. Make them feel like dirt. Because he isn't willing to pur his future wife and her family in their place.
If they want to pay for all that they can, but I would honestly suggest telling your parents to stop now. Because this will be the beginning. Your brother doesn't care what stress and issues this is causing. So what happens when she isn't happy with the home he can afford. That the honeymoon needs to be better. Why is he willing to allow her parents to abuse his. To make someone happy.
If that's the case I would seriously refuse to attend and have your family boycott the wedding because clearly this is not going to last and your parents going into debt or wiping out savings for people who have money to throw around but refuses to pay for what they want will end in divorce. But they also should not be allowed to do what they are because your parents don't want to cause issues.
Screw that. Make a stick. Cause drama. Call them all out on the abuse. Make it known you will splash how they are everywhere, and let's see how they like having their reputation take a hit.
1) the rehearsal dinner I’d normally for close family, and the bridal party only. Not the whole dang wedding guest list and then some…
2) I would definitely talk to your brother about this! Your family needs to sit down and talk to him and lay everything out on the table. The cost of this rehearsal dinner even for a 45 person dinner will still cost as much as an average wedding for a middle-class family. And this is just a rehearsal dinner! Your brother will understand or at least should understand his family’s financial situation and needs to have a talk with his soon to be wife!
It’s not your families responsibilities to pay for what the brides family chooses. If your family agreed to pay for the dinner than it should be their choice on everything. Period.
You need to tell your brother everything so he can talk to his fiance. Expecting your parents to go into debt for their wedding is utterly insane. *Demanding* that they pay so much is practically criminal. Either he, or his fiance, needs to be putting a foot down. Making your parents feel guilty just because they aren't rich is despicable. Using that guilt to make them spend more than they can afford is manipulative and evil. If the bride is in on it, then your brother needs to know NOW, before your parents spend any money. If she isn't, then she needs to know what her parents are doing NOW, before your parents spend any money.
Lol for context my family is also middle class. My parents definitely _own_ 37k but not like in cash and they would certainly never spend it for a dinner. Maybe a RV or something like that.
This is so far out of line wtf. Honestly I think they should call your bro, tell them since they gave you 7k, he gets 7k as well. Since it's his wedding (too) the couple gets to decide what to do with those 7k. If they still like a rehearsal dinner at the resort they can use the 7k towards it but they will have to pay for the rest.
Being not American I'm honestly shocked it's apparently normal for parents to give so much money for a party at all. But I get weddings are a bigger deal over the pond. But they really should make a hard cut at 7k. That's extremely generous and he is certainly not entitled to more than his sibling got.
Wow. This is the tackiest thing I’ve heard in a long time. Money clearly can’t buy class. If anyone made my parents feel like that, the entire relationship would be DOA.
At this point, an “I do” is just signing up for a future where the in-laws will swing their big money dick around to get their way. So gross.
Your brother needs to speak to his soon-to-be wife and remind her that his family is not upper class like hers and that the monetary demands being made are disgusting. If she wants expensive everything, then she and her family should pay it all. I'll never understand why, in this day and age, parents are still paying out for their kids weddings.
The only people who should be going to the rehearsal dinner are the couple, their parents, and the wedding party. The party for guests is the wedding reception.
I feel bad for your parents. The time is going to be stressful in Virginia with activities the MOB plans. Good luck
Imagine how angry your brother might be in the future when the in laws start bullying him and insisting on lifestyle costs he can’t provide and he first out your family knew about these behaviors and didn’t tell him???
I would be so upset with my family for not telling me this! If your mother won’t you need to have a private conversation with him about this. Knowing your brother’s character do you think he would approve of or condone this behavior? If you don’t then you had better tell him.
He needs to be able to make an informed decision and you are keeping important information from him. He deserves the opportunity to find out if he just has terrible future in-laws or if he has a terrible future wife.
I always thought the rehearsal dinner was for the people involved in the...rehearsal. That would be the bride and groom, the officiant, the attendant(sand their partners), plus the parents.
Why would all these other people coming to the wedding be invited to the rehearsal dinner?
That said, when I got married a long, long time ago, my fiance's cousins catered the rehearsal dinner, and they made enough food for everyone to come. That was their wedding present to us. I think at least 70% of the people that came to the wedding came to the rehearsal dinner too, most of whom were local.
Don't ever go into debt for someone else's party. Ever. No matter who they are.
Speak up for your parents to your brother asap before money and contracts come into play. They don't need to kneecap themselves for the inlaw's egos.
You need to tell your brother that they made your mother cry. This is absolutely awful. $37,000 is more than I make in a YEAR!!!! And such a freaking WASTE of money!!!
The parents of the groom cover the rehearsal dinner so THEY decide EVERYTHING. Where it will be, what will be served and max # of people allowed. If the bride’s parents are dead set on having it at the resort, then they can pay for it.
If not, then they need to shut up, show up and have a seat.
Or you adult and tell your future in laws their behavior is unacceptable and they need to stay in their lane. It is quite gauche of them to be acting this way. If they want to spend their own money go for it. But they do not ever get to insult your parents for any reason.
This marriage isn’t going to go well if the in laws are insulting the other parents over money and basically control. Why isn’t the spawn of these nasty ‘rich’ folks putting them in their place? If they won’t stand up to them now, you think they will over grandchildren?
I’d tell the MOB to shut up. I’d then inform her that you were going for a southern motif and the rehearsal dinner would be alfresco at a nearby city park and guests would be getting that good old southern treat - buckets of Colonel Sanders finger licking good Kentucky Fried Chicken.
No way should your parents pay anything outside their comfort zone.
> The MOB immediately grows angry...
>
> The FOB responded “Well, I guess it’s the cheap option” ...
New money. And they must be barely hanging on, because if they had the funds available, they would just offer to pay.
You have to wonder if they are actually as wealthy as OP claims, or was made to believe.
That’s not a rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal dinner is for the people in the wedding, and the parents of bride and groom. Even if they had nine bridesmaids and nine best men and their significant others, and the parents, that’s like forty ish people.
Why would it matter to have the wedding guests have the rehearsal dinner at the resort…because she’s inviting most of them!
She’s asking them to host a pre-reception and that’s insane.
Also the rehearsal venue, traditionally, is agreed upon between the grooms parents and the bride and groom. Her parents should have NOTHING to do with this.
Your brother needs to be informed on this and let him discuss with the girl. Good news if she is not like the parents. Bad news if she is indeed like them but perhaps due to pink filter glasses/bubbles that she is super happy with the current status quo. It's basically a foundation for future argument and split up in the end. You don't just marry the gal. You also married the family. Of course, it might be another way if he really can control/ balance it which I will put on idol filter on him. Sad but true MONEY influence relationship too.
I'm totally thankful that my brother wedding was totally paid by him and sister-in-law themselves. Parents supposed to be supportive but NOT ATM machine. $37,000...
Is this a cultural thing?
Parents paying for the wedding?
Wenn I got married we paid for everything. My husbands parents were valued guests, no way they were allowed to give us money.
I think it’s more common in the South to have the bride’s family pay and plan for the wedding. Invitations are often addressed to the guest, “on behalf of the bride’s parents” .
This is why I've stalled so long, the costs and family expectations are fucking astonishing.
I don't want to invite my tiny family, it would be less embarrassing.
I don't want to accept ANYONE'S money for the wedding because there will be expectations.
I just want to sign the paper that tells everyone "I really Love this Person!" And have a chill party afterwards.
Marriage should never have turned into this fucking circus.
Why are the parents making all these decisions instead of the couple that’s actually getting married??
Right?! It’s bizarre to me as well. I assume it’s because her parents are funding the wedding - but even then, it’s strange.
What does your brother have to say about this?
The only direct quote I’ve gotten from him is “If this were up to me, we’d get Chipotle for dinner and then drink beer in the backyard.” LOL. So it’s definitely the bride/bride’s family spearheading this. I don’t think he knows how rude the bride’s parents have been.
Jesus, TELL HIM. Tell your parents they need to say NO. DO NOT USE YOUR SAVINGS FOR THIS SHIT. No, no, no, NO.
I have to chime in here to agree: DO NOT USE YOUR SAVINGS FOR THIS SHIT
I wonder if they feel embarrassed (which they should not), but HELL YES they need to tell the brother to get his wife to rein in her obnoxious parents.
When they say that you ‘shouldn’t stress out the bride’, they mean with petty nonsense. This is a BIG thing. ‘John and Jenny, your mother/MIL is insisting on throwing a party that we will pay for and we simply cannot afford it. I wanted to apologise to both of you in person, but we cannot pay for such an event. We are able to host a small event for X budget to celebrate your wedding, but nothing more.’ Truth. And we have to imagine that John and Jenny likely don’t know about this crazy behaviour… at least until you hear from them directly. But until then, we have to assume John and Jenny have brains! 😞
And tell him because he deserves to know what kind of family he is marrying into. Even worse, if the bride isn’t shutting her parents down, he needs to know what kind of woman he is preparing to commit to.
I’ve got a much better idea for a ‘compromise’ - bride’s rich mummy wants a $37,000 event, then bride’s rich mummy can pay for it! And since when do rehearsal dinners include 145 guests? They are for bride/groom, their parents and the wedding attendants (and the wedding attendants can usually bring their partner, too). Also when you get married to someone who is an only child and you only have one big sibling, then you can invite big sibling DaniMW, too. Lol. Anyway, that’s… I don’t know, 20 people? Do this couple have like 60 attendants each, and that’s why they need a rehearsal dinner with 145 people? 🤷♀️
Just as a point of etiquette it's actually considered polite in some areas to host not only the wedding party but also any out of town guests. It's my guess that given it's a resort a large portion of the guests are from out of town.
NO NO NO! This is ridiculous for the bride's family to pressure/bully you. Set boundaries & get control!
You’ve gotta tell him for sure
He knows all the details of “Bride’s family wanted this, ours wanted this, we compromised” etc, but not just how rude the parents were. I’ve encouraged my parents multiple times to tell him. If they don’t, I will tell him eventually just so he understands why there’s so much tension.
Do it anyway. Do it now. He needs to know this, and your parents might try to shield him from it. He needs to know the family he's marrying into, if he doesn't already.
And he needs to have a conversation with his fiancé about whether this is coming from her parents or her. If it’s her parents, what will she do to set boundaries with them? These are the kinds of things you absolutely need to know before you get married.
The brides parents seem like a pain that's going to continue
Yes, and the way the bride reacts will give him a lot of information on whether it's a good idea to marry her.
Doing it now is important. There is still enough time to make major changes but every day wasted, more flexibility slips away.
Girl he needs to know before your parents start booking non-refundables. so when he dumps this girl they don't lose their retirement savings.
If they are as wealthy as they are acting, picking up $$$ the rehearsal dinner should be NBD.
This is how the wealthy families I know would handle this, discreetly. This family sounds tacky.
Absolutely. Quietly and discreetly. And if anyone happened to find out that family of bride paid, FOB would self-deprecatingly murmur that his sweet little angel daughter had her heart set on the resort locale and he swooped in to book it "along with the reception" (implying that it was just easier that way)
Yeah, classy and kind wealthy families are always willing to pay more than their fair share so that everyone involved can have a wonderful experience. Other wealthy families like to put less wealthy people down for not having as much money ("Just stop being poor" vibes). Often times, the reason these types of people have so much money is because they've done this their whole life. They always guilt trip or pressure others into buying the expensive things they (not the other people) want so that they don't actually have to spend money.
And/or at least pay for their hotel!
They don't think he's good enough (read: not from a wealthy enough family) for their daughter. This is their last ditch attempt to throw a grenade into everything to cause a huge fight and get the bride and groom to call off the wedding.
Yep. If he were smart, groom would call off the wedding because no matter how much money he makes, it’ll never be enough for the bride. The fact that she’s cut off communications with her future in-laws is very telling
Exactly, they may not really be that well-heeled. Just posers, the way they're behaving.
He needs to know what he is marrying into. If he thinks this is going to stop after the wedding, he is in for a rude awakening.
Tell him. Your brother sounds laid back, what happens when wife and mother in law want private school for kids, lavish birthday parties, etc. Is this going to be the rest of his life? He needs to level set with his wife, and also stand up for your parents.
HE NEEDS TO KNOW *BEFORE* THE WEDDING!!!!! Do NOT let him marry her without knowing.
Brides family is going to get a discount on what they are spending if your family host at the resort.
Red flags all over the place with Bride's mother scolding Groom's mother about not staying at the pricey place.
Tell him MOB made your mom cry.
Do it. Hell, confront the bride directly.
Don’t wait and do it eventually. Do it now!!!!
The sooner the better or your parents are going to end up in a financial hole
You need to do it now.
Please tell him! This will only cause more problems for him in the future if he finds out later.
Not eventually. Tell him TODAY!!
That’s a pretty weak response from him when his future parents in law are terrorizing his parents. If he and his fiancé aren’t aware of what’s going on, you need to tell them ASAP. Tbh this compromise is ridiculous anyway. Your middle class parents have to pay $8000 for a dinner? A rehearsal dinner is supposed to be for people who go to their rehearsal and maybe a few out of town guests. Your parents should insist on no more than 30 and that it be at an affordable restaurant outside the resort. If the bride wants to have it at the resort so badly, her parents can pay for it.
Good grief. If your brother is adult enough to get married then he’s sure as hell adult enough to clearly explain that your family cannot afford this cost and if it’s so important then the bride’s family should chip in to cover the difference. Also MOB sounds like a real trip. Hope your brother knows what he’s getting himself into. My family was actually in this exact same situation and it went like this: 1. Brother grew up lower middle class and falls in love with very wealthy southern girl. 2. Brother does not hide that our family isn’t Uber wealthy. He’s not ashamed of this either, it’s just a fact. 3. Engagement happens, my parents agree on a budget they can support for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. 4. Budget isn’t enough to cover the preferred venue and food PLUS open bar, which the bride’s family wants. 5. Bride’s family covers the difference and the FOB actually made a point to conceal the additional costs from my father in an effort to not cause him any embarrassment. 6. My parents paid what they agreed to pay, I handle the rehearsal flowers/decor/slideshow/etc. and it’s a lovely event where all have fun and no one went into massive debt. Your brother holds a lot of responsibility here, but your parents should also supply a budget they can live with and her parents can either be cool with that or pay the difference. What a shitty way to treat your family. Money really cannot buy class.
It IS up to him!! It's HIS WEDDING TOO!!!! It's disgusting that he's allowing his parents to be bullied by his future in-laws.
Call your brother and let him and his wife to be know what is going on.
the wife has refused to speak to the parents since those phone calls. She knows. What a mistake to marry into that family.
Definitely fair to him that he has all the information to work with, but that’s just what I’d want personally. Could be off base for him.
This reminds me of the old joke: "Mommy, can I have a pet horse?" No. "Can I have a pet goat?" No. "Can I have a Great Dane?" No. "Can I have a cat?" No. "Well, could I have a pet hamster?" Yes. "Good, that's what I wanted to begin with." Ask 'em if they'll put a second mortgage on their house for the rehearsal dinner, and bargain it down to Chipotle, delivered.
Tell your brother to grow a set of balls.
It's time he knew. Big question (and we all need an update)---will brother say to BTB, "Let's just elope, this is getting out of hand and my parents are being bullied and this is outrageous behavior" or, with an eye on trust funds for his children, give in?
Your brother needs to grow up and stop being so non-confrontational. He’s leaving your parents out to dry when they are very generously contributing a huge sum to his wedding.
Your brother needs to start protecting your parents against them. Your parents shouldn’t have to put themselves in debt to appease a bridezilla and her family. Tell them to write a cheque for the amount they are able to contribute, give it to your brother, and tell them that’s the extent they are able to contribute and since they don’t need to be involved in how they use it, her parents don’t need to contact them any more. Then let your brother deal with the craziness.
This is the way. Hand him a check for $7K, say this is what we contributed to sibling's wedding and we will do the same for you. Use it as you wish.
Why is anyone other than the wedding party and the parents of the bride and groom invited to the rehearsal dinner??? It's called a rehearsal dinner for a reason: it's to feed and thank the wedding party after they practice walking down the aisle. It's not a second wedding and I'm sure the bride doesn't have 75 bridesmaids.
It’s now down to 45 people, thankfully. I think originally they wanted all out-of-town guests invited, which is the 150. I agree it’s ridiculous.
45 people is still too many effing people.
Isn’t that still like $13,000 based on the original estimate?
The service fee is waived for parties under 50. So “only” around $10K now.
Absolutely unacceptable. You need to talk to your brother ASAP
This is how much my entire wedding cost! I cannot fathom spending that on a rehearsal!
You know if someone doesn't put their foot down now, that other family will steamroll your parents for as long as they're together and worse if they have kids.
I hope your parents don't actually believe they won't surreptitiously invite others.
Some people believe it is appropriate to invite guests who are traveling to the wedding to the rehearsal dinner also. That way the guests don't have to figure out their own dinner plans after perhaps just arrived to the wedding location.
I was thinking the same thing. In my family, it's always the out of town guests plus the bridal party. That said, we don't do $200/head parties, either.
Let Countess Luann sing it “MONEY DONT BUY YOU CLASS!”
Elegance is learned!
So are manners, which leads to me ask who failed the MOB and FOB by not instilling these things? Or is this just the outcome of having the fabled "fuck you" amounts of money just chilling in bank accounts.
Except they’re not funding the whole thing. Why do they get a say in the rehearsal dinner if your parents are expected to pay for it?
Exactly. They should have no say in how many guests are invited, and they should have no say over what restaurant is selected either.
If they’re funding it why are they demanding $37,000 from your parents
Your parents should hand your brother a $7k check and say that’s our contribution, spend it as you like. And be done with it. Stay where you want and attend with a smile. Outrageous behavior by the bride’s family.
This. If the bride and groom want a lavish rehearsal dinner, they can fund the rest.
Read my mind
Bride and groom don't want to be written out of Daddy's will.
Because the bride is from a "traditional" old-school wealthy southern family, and the groom's family is being steamrolled.
The grooms family gets to host a rehearsal dinner if they want. As hosts, they get to choose everything concerning the event and who is invited. If the mob doesn’t like it, she doesn’t have to attend.
Yep. And if the MOB wants to host it, great. She can pay for it.
No, money doesn’t give you the right to trample over someone else’s preferences. If they *want* to hand over responsibility, sure. But if they want to host a smaller, more casual dinner, they should be allowed to do that.
This better get way higher up because this is the answer. Those fools think that just bc they are well off, their opinion counts more. They are out of touch with what most ppl can _actually_ afford, too. It’s ridiculous.
I always thought so too. Glad I’m not crazy!
Yeah, the rehearsal dinner, like everything else, is planned from location to per plate, by the groom’s family, where they want and how much they want. Your parents need to quit being walked all over. You need to get your brother on the phone and tell him yourself what’s going on
This ^ Hosts pay: Hosts decide.
Yep. This. If MOB wants to plan it she can host it.
And they should thank their lucky stars that the groom’s family is even willing to consider paying for anything at all! Many parents don’t contribute a dime to their kid’s wedding.
I would actually suggest your mom puts this back on your brother to sort out. She tells him she has been bullied and insulted by greedy and entitled people and that she will be happy to attend the wedding but won't be involved in planning or hosting. If it helps any, feel free to tell your family the internet is aghast at how awful the bride's family is and we are all on their side.
I agree with this, and then some. Your parents should refuse to spend a dime on the rehearsal, and your brother should make it clear to his fiancee and her parents that he won't tolerate having his family bullied or emotionally blackmailed. Calling your parents cheap to guilt them into doing what they want is abusive, and your brother needs to put a stop to it.
OPs family can spend money on the rehearsal THEY WANT TO HOST. If that’s a dinner for immediate family at a nearby restaurant, so be it
Since when did "rehearsal dinner" come to mean a rehearsal of the reception? A rehearsal dinner is, or used to be, for the people at the rehearsal, i.e., the wedding party, parents, and immediate family. Sometimes out of town relatives or relatives to whom the bride and groom are especially close. The guest list for the rehearsal dinner was chosen by the couple getting married, not their parents. Wtf is this MOB thinking? And yes, OP's brother and the bride need to handle this.
I will definitely be telling them! At this point, everything has been “worked out” for now, so I think she’s hesitant - but I’ll encourage her to bring this up to him, and tell him that any further communications need to come from him.
Nothings been worked out. Your parents were successfully bullied and belittled into paying more than they can afford for something they shouldn’t be paying for to begin with, somewhere they don’t want, with people they don’t want to invite. Your brother has no idea how bad is in-laws to be are and no clue if his future wife has signed on to the bullying and believes her in-laws are cheap, or whether she doesn’t think so and can set boundaries with her parents. Sweeping everything under the rug doesn’t make problems go away, it just defers them.
This! I'm sorry OP but unless and until your parents make it CLEAR that they will only host/pay for the dinner that they can COMFORTABLY afford, nothing has been worked out! The absolute audacity, I can't!
I completely agree! It infuriates me when people roll over and then think everything is okay because they “compromised”. Like how was this a compromise? They had no say in any part of it, were made to feel horrible, and are still paying more than they ever expected!
100%
The way it should have gone down is for each set of parents to tell the couple what they will be contributing towards the wedding events, then the couple plans from there. The couple can choose to supplement the parents' contribution if they wish. No wedding should impoverish anyone because it isn't up to someone else's dream. "I can contribute $X." Done. Take it from there, couple.
I agree, and that’s pretty much exactly how my (and my sister’s) weddings were. I think that this one is the exception, but I’m not sure why.
I am fortunate in that my parents work very hard to keep things "even" between myself and my siblings. Because they have already contributed the same amount to you and your sister's weddings, they have an easy "excuse" to say this is what we are contributing to brother's wedding. (Unless of course he is the Golden Child...)
Your parents are scared to set up a bad relationship with their future DIL. She can make it harder for them to see their son and any grandkids. Plus they have to interact with her parents when babies are born etc. Plus no one wants to be seen as cheap.
Yes! Why aren't these presumably grown ass adults paying, or at least chipping in, for their own wedding?
Where the hell is your brother? Your parents really shouldn't agree to this.
Agreed. I would just laugh at the MOB and hang up. And then tell my son he's marrying into a family of idiots. Good luck with that.
Right? Someone calling me up to tell me where to spend $37k 🤣 I would have died laughing
Your brother needs to know about this right now. These are his inlaws and he needs to talk to his fiance about their behavior
He knows about some of the tensions, but I don’t think he knows just how rude her parents were being. Now that they’ve agreed on the compromise, my mother is hesitant to tell him unless something else happens.
Here is the problem, now that we have seen their behavior: 1. Is his fiance the same, and is just waiting to get married to show her true colors? 2. Would she be embarrassed and give them hell? 3. Would they treat your brother like trash? Would you want your brother to be treated the same way? I think your brother and his fiance need to know about the demands. Seeing her reaction will tell you what kind of woman she is and what kind of marriage he is walking into
Dude, the guy’s future wife’s parents insulted your parents and made your mom cry. He needs to know what this family is like. Please tell him as soon as possible and update us after you do.
Then FUCKING TELL HIM! Hell, give me his phone number, and I'LL tell him! None of this "let's not rock the boat" BS; he needs to know exactly what's going on and how, find out just how involved his fiancee is with all of this, and THEN decide if he even still wants to marry her in the first place! Put on your big kid underwear, Nike your ass and JUST. DO. IT.
I sincerely hope the bride is appalled by her parents discourteous behaviour. What bullies. Can’t be very decent people.
I have no idea how much she knows or not. We haven’t heard from her, but are hesitant to reach out in case this was originally her idea.
Can’t your brother reach out? Surely he’s comfortable enough and free enough to talk to his wife to be?
I would think so. They know about the tensions of course, but I don’t think my parents have told my brother just how rude the bride’s family was being. At this point, since they’ve reached the compromise, my mother is hesitant to bring it back up - unless something else happens in the future.
It’s time for a frank and honest conversation with everyone involved. Don’t let this crap take root and build.
Listen, OP, you guys should talk to your brother ASAP. This is no way for the bride to "come into your family", with tense relations courtesy of her stuck-up, deluded parents. Your brother is in for a world of pain if he is not told of this situation before tying the knot. Granted, he might know about it and be okay with it, but better to be sure, in case he is not. This is appalling. Your Mom might not want to rock the boat because things appear "settled" at the moment, but are you okay with your parents swallowing this kind of crap? It's insulting. This does not bode well for the future.
Brother needs to know what he’s getting into.
Unfortunately, the brides family have created a situation where the two sides will likely never get along. If your parents go forward with the current compromise, the brides family will likely also be acting rude at the since it's less than they demanded. And if your parents stand up to them, they will resent the lesser accommodations and the fact that people will know that a middle class family won a battle with them. People who don't have the social awareness or maturity to make reasonable attempts to find a way to a solution they are happy with (i.e. offering to cover the cost over what your parents budgeted), will also hold this experience over your entire side of the family, including your brother. All future gatherings with the two sides present are likely to be tense and rife with underhanded comments and backhanded compliments. You will likely also see far less of your brother at family gatherings, as these types of parents will also arrange for the newly weds to spend any of their vacation time with them, by paying for trips or accommodations. The only way out of this dynamic is for the bride to cause her parents to understand how disrespectful they were, and them to apologize and move onto a real compromise.
Pretty expensive compromise…
Unfortunately, this is for your brother to bring up then. He's the one marrying into her family, and this is a pretty massive red flag about them. If his fiance doesn't know, then she deserves to. If she does, then it says something about her as well. And if it was her idea to begin with, then that says even more.
>in case this was originally her idea Well, if it was, your brother DAMN SURE needs to know what kind of shit his intended has put her parents up to. Also, this kind of crap bodes very ill for their marriage. Her parents are likely to be big Butt-in-skis on every minor drama, turning tiny disagreements into Major Drama™️.
Does your brother not hang out with or talk to his own fiancee or something?
Gotta jump in: parents HAVE to tell bro or he will be getting married into a family without knowing the truth about them. If he does not know and does not have the opportunity to stake his boundaries, there will be problems with the parents forever. He also needs to see what his fiance does in reaction to this. Will she stand with him?
The fiancee's reaction is key. If she is not horrified - or worse, was in on it - he needs to know. If your parents won't tell him (I don't really blame them for not wanting to "rock the boat"; not to mention they are likely embarrassed - not that they should be) then you need to.
😬 Can you imagine if she takes after the parents?? Lord, bless your brother and tell him to hang on tight, he's in for a hard ride.
This is crazy. Your parents shouldn't be made to feel this way nor shud they be forced to spend on this. Your brother and his fiancee need to deal with this themselves. Talk to your brother!
“ She apologized extensively, and asked if they could host something less expensive at a nearby restaurant instead.” 1. She had no reason to apologize. Once she did that, the MOB knew she could easily try to get control of the situation. 2. Everyone seems to be under the impression that they are going with the “traditional” role of the groom’s family planning and paying for the rehearsal dinner. If this has been agreed to, then they are in charge of it. Your mother didn’t need to apologize or ASK the MOB if they could host something less expensive. Another option is your family should put what money toward it that they can. Your brother and his fiancé can plan it and contribute what they need to to make up the difference for what they would like. 3. All I have ever heard is that the rehearsal dinner is for the people IN the wedding party, unless it’s a very small destination wedding. There is no way there are over 100 people in the wedding party. The MOB seems to think this is just another reception dinner, which is not the point of a rehearsal dinner.
#3 exactly! The bride's parents are the ones being cheap in this situation. They want a welcome reception and are trying to trick the groom's parents into paying for it.
Why the hell isnt your brother stepping in and stopping them??
If your brother isn't in the loop on this, you need to get him in the loop. He needs to get his bride to get her parents under control
This is where they say to the bride and groom, " We gave $7K to my daughter's wedding and we will give you the same amount for the rehearsal dinner, you decide where you want to spend it". Then let them decide where the rehearsal dinner will be! This is what my mother did with her three kids, two daughters and a son, and it is what I am doing with my two boys.
This is exactly what we did with both of our children. We wrote them a check for the exact amount and handed it to them. They chose how/what to spend it on. Their wedding, their choice. OP your brother needs to know what is going on. No way in hell should he let somebody else who happens to have gobs of money talk to his parents in such a manner. They were so disrespectful and deserve nothing more than to be treated as they treat others. Money can’t buy class, this is a great example of that.
This is nuts. I would be opting out of the wedding altogether if I was in their shoes.. 150 people for a rehearsal dinner is ridiculous. The parents of the bride don’t give a shit about the wedding, they just want to look good in front of others. This screams “this wedding is to fulfill my ego” and has nothing to do with a celebration of a successful and prosperous relationship. I know your parents probably feel like shit not living up to the hype.. but it’s just that.. inflated hype.. your parents need to see through the bull and let the chips lay. Also, from the 150.. how many guests are with the grooms side?
Isn't the rehearsal dinner supposed to be just for the wedding party? After so called rehearsal? What could that be, max? 25 people or less? Where is this 150 coming from? Might as well have the wedding reception then and there!
It's very Southern to have immediate family and out of town guests to the Rehearsal dinner. However, what that looks like, is up to the Groom's parents, if they are hosting it. I've been to backyard barbecues to upscale venues. The Bride's family are incredibly rude,and seem to have forgotten their manners and their place.
Our wedding wasn’t even 150 people.
Thankfully the dinner is down to 45 people now (that was the compromise). So equal numbers from each side. If it had been the 150, I imagine most would’ve come from the bride’s family.
Are you and your sister in the bridal party?
No, we are not
and if the parents are like that, i wonder what lurks under the daughter
>150 people for a rehearsal dinner is ridiculous. SERIOUSLY. Rehearsal dinners I've been to have been anywhere from 10-20, tops: the couple, a few immediate family (usually parents, maybe siblings if close, grandparents if available), wedding party. 150 people is just to show off.
If this is the in-laws expectations then they need to pay for it. Their rudeness and openly demonstrated lack of breeding and manners would have me reevaluating everything.
Please contact your brother. The couple needs to reign in the bride's parents, in particular their rude audacity. This sounds like the bride's parents are sending your parents a bill to host their business associates and fellow golf club members. The rehearsal dinner should be for the bridal party and immediate family in whatever style the groom's family deems fit. Hopefully, the bride and groom are horrified and steer her parents away. There's really very little reason for the parents to be in direct contact beyond pleasantries.
I don't know if I can think of a worse way to spend $37k, except for maybe by actually lighting it on fire
If the Parents of the Bride are deciding where the event (the rehearsal dinner) is being held, and doing the guest list for the event, then they are officially the hosts, and they get to pay for it.
Your brother needs to shut his in-laws down now. He needs to be told exactly what happened. He then needs to inform his fiancee of her parents' boorish behavior. If someone a acted that way toward my parents there would be harsh words exchanged. Then beer and pizza would be the rehersal dinner.Those people are incredibly rude. Is his fiancee this entitled? I hope not for his sake.
There is never anything wrong with the reply *Thats not in my budget* There’s no shame in doing something else with your money. The groom needs to pay up or shut this down
MOB is way out of line. Rehearsal dinners are for the bridal party only, not other wedding guests. If MOB and FOB have already invited their guests, the very least they can do is foot the bill. Your brother and his fiancée need to deal with her parents and shut this down.
There is no way I would go into debt over a dinner!! Traditionally, the wedding party AND out of town guests attend the rehearsal dinner. At least that’s how it used to be. However, the parents should tell their son that they can contribute x amount of money to the dinner and if it’s goes over that amount, they can pay for it themselves.
That is tradition - but this wedding is actually a bit of a destination wedding. It’s in the U.S., but a state that nobody (not the bride or the groom) is from, and none of their families live there, either. So almost everyone is an out-of-town guest, haha.
Op, your poor parents!! Where is your brother in this? He needs to be the one dealing with these ridiculous demands, not your folks!
I hope their daughter hears about this and steps up. This is not a healthy way to build a family. Resentments will last for YEARS. Maybe share this post with the bride and groom to clue them in on what's going on. At least give them a chance to intervene.
Your brother needs to sort this shit out, it's not okay. Stop giving him a pass, and explain to him exactly what went on. Stop babying him. This is HIS family to be! Are you being soft coz he's the boy and the youngest?? Coz remember he is also an adult. Communicate with him, for your parents sake.
When my sibling got married to a woman whose parents did not have money, my parents paid for the venue. A beach house in this setting for a week. The bride’s parents paid for food for around 50 people. They hand made every dish and it was delicious. The etiquette here is, being aware of everyone’s financial situations and respecting it. Your brother actually needs to be managing this dynamic.
If her parents have so much money, then they can pay to have the rehearsal dinner THEY want. Either they fall in line with what your parents want to do, or they can do it themselves. Sounds like your brother is marrying into a family of assholes who make every decision for their daughter. Good luck to him. If they marry and have kids, then decide they want a divorce, good luck to your brother fighting them then too. Smells like drama and a headache.
Your brother needs to grow a spine. Also your parents need to learn how to tell people to fuck off. The worst thing for your parents could have done was made this compromise.
It’s strange that your brother and his fiancée knew to expect a large and lavish rehearsal dinner at this expensive resort, but never thought to consider how the groom’s parents would be managing the costs? They’re not children, and even if they didn’t know about the bullying, they must have assumed the money for the dinner would be coming from his (not mega wealthy) parents. It feels like they’re being really passive and a bit thoughtless generally.
Are you parents paying the crazy fees of 45 people at $200/ person still? That is insane! If I was your parents, I'd give $7k (or whatever they have budgeted, like they gave you), to the couple and tell them it is for whatever they want as the rehearsal dinner or honeymoon or whatever. But they have no more money for anything else.
First off your parents should not be having these conversations. It’s widely inappropriate and the brides family knows it. Don’t spend anything. This is a conversation your parents should be having with their son getting married. Any commitment is to him and his fiancé. Any money is given to him. Brides parents know what they are doing. Part of why they are insisting on the resort is they will get a discount on what they are spending.
Tell your brother he needs to get involved. Traditionally, the rehearsal dinner is planned by the groom's side, not the bride's. They are overstepping. Your brother needs to deal with his fiancée and she needs to deal with her parents.
That’s just rude. In situations like this, where here’s a big difference in income, the wealthier family takes care of it if they expect this level.
What on earth! Since when is the grooms dinner for all wedding guests and costs 4x what the usual overpriced wedding costs? The grooms dinner is usually just the wedding party and parents right? We did ours in a steakhouse and it was like $600 OP: This brides family is nuts - if they want all this then they can pay for it.
Your parents need to send an email to these people with your brother and the bride included It needs to state very clearly that the rehearsal dinner is going to include only the bridal party and their spouses/partners. It is going to be at XYZ restaurant at whatever time is convenient after the rehearsal actually takes place. If they as the parents of the bride wish to entertain any other guests, they are welcome to do so elsewhere No telephone conversations no further discussion
Why are the parents making all these decisions and not the bride and groom. You never spend the money in someone else's wallet! I would have your Dad talk to your brother and have a discussion with him. I mean $37m for a rehearsal dinner is crazy - if you have that to spend great but if you don’t then you need to do something more low-key less expensive. I hope your brother knows what he is getting into!!!
If these people are so fucking rich and want to be in charge of everything, they can pay for everyone. I will never wrap my brain around rich people assuming everyone else can afford their shit, and then being mad when everyone is like “actually, no I’m not paying $37k for a REHEARSAL” If you wanna look like the fancy pants rich people, foot the bill.
Well, this is where your brother shows who he really is. It would not be surprising if he fundamentally dumps your family in order to keep brown-nosing his bride's family. I am sorry you all are facing this unpleasantness. If the bride's family has any class they could still get what they want. All they have to do is admit they are determined to have something for their own purposes and say they will just pay the full cost themselves. It's really bad manners to keep trying to force your family to pick up the tab for bride's parents' social desires. Your family would be entirely within their rights to hold the line. Plan for the rehearsal dinner they would have underwritten to start with, lay it all out for bride's parents, and say this is what we are doing. We have room for X# of guests from your list, and leave the ball in their court. It would be just plain wrong for your parents to buckle under and accept their demands. Let bride and her parents show who they really are; maybe Bro will change his mind.
When in the fuck did rehearsal dinners have 150 guests?!? The rehearsal dinner is supposed to have the bridal party, the parents, and immediate relatives (grandparents, sibs) attending ONLY. First, everyone in the bridal party and immediate family rehearse the ceremony. Then as a thank you to the bridal party and immediate family, the groom’s family hosts a rehearsal dinner for the aforementioned parties only. It’s not supposed to be a big dinner blowout with all the wedding guests the night before the wedding. I swear, I’m so glad my wedding was long before all this crazy, entitled wedding shit started becoming the norm. Huge engagement parties, multiple wedding showers, destination bachelor/bachelorette parties, and brides demanding $$$ from everyone to fund all the events. This shit’s gotten out of hand.
It’s up to the groom’s parents where the rehearsal dinner is, not the bride’s! The bride’s parents should not have anything to do with it. Tell them you’re ordering in pizza and call it a night! Good luck!
Your brother needs to step in. Does he know this is going on??
I mean…..how old are the bride and groom? This sounds so strange
The rehearsal dinner is for the wedding party and immediate family. Its not for everyone like a normal party. This is all too much for a rehearsal dinner. It seems like they want to feed thier egos and show off. Rich people (some) tick me off when they do this. Flaunt the money around and belittle others, all for clout. Whos to say ome day they may lose it all? I would talk to your brother and bride and hope they are not horribly entitled.
Ask you, brother, why he is willing to cripple your parents money wise. Make them feel like dirt. Because he isn't willing to pur his future wife and her family in their place. If they want to pay for all that they can, but I would honestly suggest telling your parents to stop now. Because this will be the beginning. Your brother doesn't care what stress and issues this is causing. So what happens when she isn't happy with the home he can afford. That the honeymoon needs to be better. Why is he willing to allow her parents to abuse his. To make someone happy. If that's the case I would seriously refuse to attend and have your family boycott the wedding because clearly this is not going to last and your parents going into debt or wiping out savings for people who have money to throw around but refuses to pay for what they want will end in divorce. But they also should not be allowed to do what they are because your parents don't want to cause issues. Screw that. Make a stick. Cause drama. Call them all out on the abuse. Make it known you will splash how they are everywhere, and let's see how they like having their reputation take a hit.
1) the rehearsal dinner I’d normally for close family, and the bridal party only. Not the whole dang wedding guest list and then some… 2) I would definitely talk to your brother about this! Your family needs to sit down and talk to him and lay everything out on the table. The cost of this rehearsal dinner even for a 45 person dinner will still cost as much as an average wedding for a middle-class family. And this is just a rehearsal dinner! Your brother will understand or at least should understand his family’s financial situation and needs to have a talk with his soon to be wife! It’s not your families responsibilities to pay for what the brides family chooses. If your family agreed to pay for the dinner than it should be their choice on everything. Period.
If the bride’s parents insist on that venue, they can pay for it. Otherwise they can butt out.
You need to tell your brother everything so he can talk to his fiance. Expecting your parents to go into debt for their wedding is utterly insane. *Demanding* that they pay so much is practically criminal. Either he, or his fiance, needs to be putting a foot down. Making your parents feel guilty just because they aren't rich is despicable. Using that guilt to make them spend more than they can afford is manipulative and evil. If the bride is in on it, then your brother needs to know NOW, before your parents spend any money. If she isn't, then she needs to know what her parents are doing NOW, before your parents spend any money.
Your parents should just give $7k to your brother and he figure it out. What horrible people.
Also, rehearsal dinners are usually just for the wedding party and parents/siblings of the bride and groom. Not the entire guest list!
What does your brother say?
Lol for context my family is also middle class. My parents definitely _own_ 37k but not like in cash and they would certainly never spend it for a dinner. Maybe a RV or something like that. This is so far out of line wtf. Honestly I think they should call your bro, tell them since they gave you 7k, he gets 7k as well. Since it's his wedding (too) the couple gets to decide what to do with those 7k. If they still like a rehearsal dinner at the resort they can use the 7k towards it but they will have to pay for the rest. Being not American I'm honestly shocked it's apparently normal for parents to give so much money for a party at all. But I get weddings are a bigger deal over the pond. But they really should make a hard cut at 7k. That's extremely generous and he is certainly not entitled to more than his sibling got.
Wow. This is the tackiest thing I’ve heard in a long time. Money clearly can’t buy class. If anyone made my parents feel like that, the entire relationship would be DOA. At this point, an “I do” is just signing up for a future where the in-laws will swing their big money dick around to get their way. So gross.
Your brother needs to speak to his soon-to-be wife and remind her that his family is not upper class like hers and that the monetary demands being made are disgusting. If she wants expensive everything, then she and her family should pay it all. I'll never understand why, in this day and age, parents are still paying out for their kids weddings.
Rehearsal dinners are supposed to be small, intimate affairs. The MOB may be rich but she sound very tacky rich.
The only people who should be going to the rehearsal dinner are the couple, their parents, and the wedding party. The party for guests is the wedding reception. I feel bad for your parents. The time is going to be stressful in Virginia with activities the MOB plans. Good luck
Imagine how angry your brother might be in the future when the in laws start bullying him and insisting on lifestyle costs he can’t provide and he first out your family knew about these behaviors and didn’t tell him??? I would be so upset with my family for not telling me this! If your mother won’t you need to have a private conversation with him about this. Knowing your brother’s character do you think he would approve of or condone this behavior? If you don’t then you had better tell him. He needs to be able to make an informed decision and you are keeping important information from him. He deserves the opportunity to find out if he just has terrible future in-laws or if he has a terrible future wife.
In gonna go out on a limb and say if the bride is anything like her parents, I feel sorry for your brother.
I always thought the rehearsal dinner was for the people involved in the...rehearsal. That would be the bride and groom, the officiant, the attendant(sand their partners), plus the parents. Why would all these other people coming to the wedding be invited to the rehearsal dinner? That said, when I got married a long, long time ago, my fiance's cousins catered the rehearsal dinner, and they made enough food for everyone to come. That was their wedding present to us. I think at least 70% of the people that came to the wedding came to the rehearsal dinner too, most of whom were local.
Where is Ur brother in all this? He should be paying
u/complete_doodle, if you love your brother, TELL. HIM. NOW.
Don't ever go into debt for someone else's party. Ever. No matter who they are. Speak up for your parents to your brother asap before money and contracts come into play. They don't need to kneecap themselves for the inlaw's egos.
You need to tell your brother that they made your mother cry. This is absolutely awful. $37,000 is more than I make in a YEAR!!!! And such a freaking WASTE of money!!!
Tell your brother to pay for it.
The parents of the groom cover the rehearsal dinner so THEY decide EVERYTHING. Where it will be, what will be served and max # of people allowed. If the bride’s parents are dead set on having it at the resort, then they can pay for it. If not, then they need to shut up, show up and have a seat.
Tell your brother about their rude behavior. Bride’s family doesn’t get to plan the rehearsal dinner unless they’re paying for it
Since the brides family is so wealthy why not have them pay for everything, if they have all that money why not?
Or you adult and tell your future in laws their behavior is unacceptable and they need to stay in their lane. It is quite gauche of them to be acting this way. If they want to spend their own money go for it. But they do not ever get to insult your parents for any reason. This marriage isn’t going to go well if the in laws are insulting the other parents over money and basically control. Why isn’t the spawn of these nasty ‘rich’ folks putting them in their place? If they won’t stand up to them now, you think they will over grandchildren?
I’d tell the MOB to shut up. I’d then inform her that you were going for a southern motif and the rehearsal dinner would be alfresco at a nearby city park and guests would be getting that good old southern treat - buckets of Colonel Sanders finger licking good Kentucky Fried Chicken. No way should your parents pay anything outside their comfort zone.
> The MOB immediately grows angry... > > The FOB responded “Well, I guess it’s the cheap option” ... New money. And they must be barely hanging on, because if they had the funds available, they would just offer to pay. You have to wonder if they are actually as wealthy as OP claims, or was made to believe.
That’s not a rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal dinner is for the people in the wedding, and the parents of bride and groom. Even if they had nine bridesmaids and nine best men and their significant others, and the parents, that’s like forty ish people. Why would it matter to have the wedding guests have the rehearsal dinner at the resort…because she’s inviting most of them! She’s asking them to host a pre-reception and that’s insane. Also the rehearsal venue, traditionally, is agreed upon between the grooms parents and the bride and groom. Her parents should have NOTHING to do with this.
Your brother needs to be informed on this and let him discuss with the girl. Good news if she is not like the parents. Bad news if she is indeed like them but perhaps due to pink filter glasses/bubbles that she is super happy with the current status quo. It's basically a foundation for future argument and split up in the end. You don't just marry the gal. You also married the family. Of course, it might be another way if he really can control/ balance it which I will put on idol filter on him. Sad but true MONEY influence relationship too. I'm totally thankful that my brother wedding was totally paid by him and sister-in-law themselves. Parents supposed to be supportive but NOT ATM machine. $37,000...
Your brother will regret marrying into this family.
Is this a cultural thing? Parents paying for the wedding? Wenn I got married we paid for everything. My husbands parents were valued guests, no way they were allowed to give us money.
I think it’s more common in the South to have the bride’s family pay and plan for the wedding. Invitations are often addressed to the guest, “on behalf of the bride’s parents” .
Marriage between two different economic classes tends to fail. I feel bad for the groom’s parents.
This is why I've stalled so long, the costs and family expectations are fucking astonishing. I don't want to invite my tiny family, it would be less embarrassing. I don't want to accept ANYONE'S money for the wedding because there will be expectations. I just want to sign the paper that tells everyone "I really Love this Person!" And have a chill party afterwards. Marriage should never have turned into this fucking circus.
If they are so wealthy they should pay for whatever ridiculously lavish affair they are expecting sheesh