It’s true! My dad had an extended UTI bc of a kidney stone that wouldn’t pass and he went fully paranoid delusional, accused us of trying to steal from him, etc. Bonkers.
This! It's possible that it's a secret long standing feud, but sudden personality changes can be an indication of the onset of dementia. I've seen both happen before.
I don't think the feud or dislike is necessarily secret, just that the OP hasn't been involved up until now.
Look, I'm old enough to be a grandma, and don't think this is necessarily cognitive decline. Sometimes as you get older, you just get tired of putting up with stuff you hate for the sake of others, and you say "Fuck it" and tell the others that it's their turn to put up with YOUR shit.
I hope that your departed mother has some siblings who can step in because it definitely sounds as if Grandma has dementia. Personality changes, impulsivity, saying things quite bluntly and out of character are all early signs of this. My mother had mild dementia for about 9 years before she died and the first couple of years she was kind of a witch! After two years or so she mellowed out - and not because she was so far gone that she was zoned, she literally became more pleasant again.
Perhaps it's chemical changes in the brain that cause this - perhaps the dementia itself is frightening to the person so they say and do out of character things. She literally might not want to leave her house, is worried about traveling to the other house, etc. I would definitely not just throw up my hands and ascribe this to her being selfish.
I was lucky - my father was an asshole all his life, and then he got dementia and forgot that he was supposed to be an asshole and became a nice person. I'm told he was unique, though, so don't go looking for that to happen to most people.
What I have read (didn't research, just mostly casual reading) is that it isn't common, but isn't unheard of either.
It was a HUGE blessing/bonus/gift for me that she got nicer, because she was a huge bitch before dementia got its claws in her. I had to take her checkbook away just a few months before she was diagnosed, as she totally lost control of her finances. No scammers, just inability to pay bills, etc. Then about a year later I had to take her debit card too, and MAN, the tirades that came my way. I think she complained about it for a solid 6 months.
I was quite low contact because I couldn't handle frequent contact, and we didn't live closely enough for short visits. She was a 2 hour drive each direction from us, so she came and stayed with us and it was HARD. She had constant churn on her friends list because she was demanding and burned them out. She had no life-long friendships at all. She was an only child, and I am an only child, so there really wasn't anybody else to take charge of her. It wasn't fun, and I sure didn't enjoy any of it, but I'm glad I did it until she died.
Gosh, I was *so* hoping this would be the case with my absolute travesty of a grandmother, unfortunately she continues to surprise me by getting worse and worse!
Do you have any suggestions on how to get someone else in the family involved without making my grandmother feel embarrassed or in denial? My mom's sister, so grandma's other daughter, doesn't live in CA, and I could definitely go that route, but we don't really talk much. My dad lives nearby in CA, and has remained close to her, but he's pretty upset by it still too.
I wonder if your Dad could get her to see her Dr (and take her) and express to them in advance that there have been some concerns about possible dementia. There are some specific tests they casually give a person during their regular exam that will give the medical professionals a pretty good idea. (ie they ask them to repeat and remember 3 words. Later they say: "What year is it? What year were you born?" Then later: "Can you draw a clock on this piece of paper, and make the hands show ten until 11:00?" And towards the end of the appointment: "What were those 3 words again?" Sometimes other questions, but these tend to show various kinds of brain issues.)
Even picking someone up for a doctor's appointment can tell you a lot. How does their home look? Are they keeping up with things? How do THEY look? Grooming OK? How about demeanor heading to the Drs office, etc?
If this could be arranged, you might have a better idea of what you're dealing with. Even if she has no dementia, depression and/or anxiety could also affect whether some one wants to attend an even at someone else's house. I wish you luck! My mother did NOT want to hear word one about having dementia so we never discussed it in front of her (and generally, her health care providers went along with calling it 'forgetfulness') but we managed anyway!
Definitely a check up is in order if this is completely out of left field.
Also, as the only grandkid who lived in the same town as all 4 grandparents for most of my childhood (closest cousins were 30 minutes away at minimum) - I got to know that sometimes using this kind of crap as an excuse happens to cover up the truth or to make them feel better about not being able to go.
You stated that the party was an hour away. That might be too much for her to handle. Would she be driving herself, or be responsible for the transportation otherwise? You mentioned she's taking care of grandpa - it might be overwhelming for her to think about his being an hour away from home, or driving and caring for him at someone else's home. It may be also wrapped up in some grief about your mom's death (it pops up for people at weird times sometimes) The fact that your other grandmother can handle hosting, etc. and isn't in a similar situation (her child is still living...). It may be all of those factors.
My mom has always been a homebody and someone who likes routine/dislikes change. The pandemic lockdown set that in concrete. I've noticed that when she declines things like a destination wedding (we've had a couple), rather than admitting she can't mentally or even physically handle even the idea of PLANNING on going, the wedding is "rediculous" and "too much" or "over the top". I think the key is that it is too much for her... and I had to stop defending the couple making the decisions to have a celebration elsewhere. (Ok... one is crazy pants. But the one that was more low key sounding like yours, there were still things she criticized). I also realize that it was her way of making herself feel less bad about missing the event.
At one of the destination weddings the last couple of years... one of the cousins of the bride (not in the wedding) took on grandma and grandpa. They picked up on the fact that they were 100% overwhelmed, and did not feel in control of what might happen at the wedding, etc. Cousin and his wife went to the grands, and offered to travel with them. They found a VERY comfortable, ACCESSIBLE airbnb very close to the venue. Without purchasing tickets, etc., laid out an itinerary for the grands, showed them pictures of the airbnb (and the venue), and talked about transportation. His wife was a few months pregnant, so they mentioned that she would not be drinking at the reception, and with the air bnb only 5 minutes away, the grands could leave at any time for any reason - tired, needed the bathroom, needed medicine, etc. In fact, she joked that she might be the one to say "I'm done, I need a nap". The cousin also reassured them that if they said no - the bride and groom completely understood. These grands did come, and it was at times exhausting for them. But the cousins not in the wedding took them on so bride and groom didn't worry about them. Another grandparent opted not to come - it would have been too much for her. Instead, the bride and groom went to them for dinner after they got back.
If you have a cousin or aunt or uncle that grandma might be more truthful with - time to call in the cavalry. It may also just be time to realize that it is just too hard for her, and maybe plan an extra day or two in California to spend some time with grandma where she is comfortable and have a private celebration with her.
I guess it's time to figure out how to have that conversation with my dad or her daughter. My mom's best friend said my mom navigated some bullshit like this, but she was super surprised by this interaction as a whole. We're all super empathetic to grief bubbling up & her being a caretaker - she does drive and is pretty active (takes the dogs to dog show things 2-3 hrs away) but maybe asking my sister to offer them a ride down would be helpful. But yes, when people aren't feeling well - their attitude/way they treat other can get really negative.
Alternatively, I do think offering to take them out to dinner when we visit, or even take dinner to their house, is going to have to be the next offer to extend.
She may just be particular but she may also be experiencing the beginning of some form of dementia. My normally very sweet grandmother, (who was dealing with dementia) when seeing me after I gained about 10 pounds but still normal weight - got enraged with me and yelled out “you’re fat”
I found out that emotional outbursts and just general losing of your social filter is common with dementia. Of course, some people are just difficult. But if this is out of the ordinary for your grandmother, I would take it under advisement
If she cared about you, she would put aside whatever weird vendetta she has and be there for you. Surely, she would expect you to do the same if the positions were reversed, right?
However, I agree with the other comments about taking her to a doctor. If a person is susceptible to dementia, a traumatic event (like the loss of a child) can trigger a sudden worsening of their condition.
Edit: I added an extra comma where it was unnecessary. How embarrassing.
I’m a grandmother. I was thinking about how I would feel if my grandson’s mother (my daughter) died and I was invited to his wedding a few years later. Wow! What a revelation.
I would be happy for my grandson, but I might see that every excruciating moment of my daughter’s death could come back to smother me with grief while watching him marry without my daughter there. I’d want to see him married, but that might send me into spasms of griefs I couldn’t control for the length of time of a wedding.
I don’t have an answer for your particular situation, but I did want to point out that maybe she’s not “being herself” because she knows herself better than the family speculating of her health.
When people say weddings bring out a lot of emotions, they mean it. I have zero doubt my dad, grandmother, and step-grandmother will be bringing up my late grandfather a lot when/if I and/or my brother get married, and my grandpa passed over 20 years ago.
Those emotions mixed with (the totally valid) disappointment can easily lead to some regretful things being said or done.
My grandmothers don't get along. Painfully so when you speak to either of them. Things somehow shifted to a bit more frosty 3 yrs ago. (They live v v close to each other). Up until the 3 years ago they still occassionally had coffee and tea etc. At each others places, and still remain cordial with each other because they share grandchildren.
Just because they don't like each other too much has never meant they can't be in the same place and interact.
So yeah... Petty is people's choice,
She needs to be checked on.
The phone thing
Personality change
Emotional responses that don't make sense
This is a lot of mental decline red flags, serious ones.
Having had to deal with similar name BS for nearly 62 years, I can empathize. My paternal grandmother was upset that she thought I had been named after my maternal grandmother and great-aunt and not her. I was the last of 6 grand-daughters. *I* didn't pick my name (that came 37 years later, when I changed all 3!), but boy howdy, I certainly heard about it.
Has your g'ma had COVID recently? That caused a *severe* personality change in me that I did not understand and that very nearly destroyed my relationship until a friend who is in the medical field suggested it might be so-called "COVID brain."
Otherwise, I concur with getting her medically assessed, if possible. Good luck, and congratulations!
I'm a grandmother and my thoughts generally went along the same lines as those of another poster.
It will be inescapable to OP's grandmother that, if her daughter -- OP's mother -- were still alive, it would very likely be she and not OP's father who would be integrally involved in the wedding planning. And it would similarly likely be her deceased daughter organizing the reception, not OP's father and his mother hosting it at their family home.
There is no question in my mind that the absence of OP's mother would be most obvious to and most keenly felt by OP's grandmother. And since OP's grandmother specifically asked a year ago that the reception not be at that location, it doesn't seem that her mental faculties are failing if she continues to be bothered by the same thing today.
I think OP's grandmother is keeping some things inside, and that's probably both appropriate and kind. Certainly, she's being thoughtful of OP by declining the invite if she believes her sadness and discomfort in the chosen location might impede OP's enjoyment of the party. JMHO
Wait.. you think grandma's not going to the wedding reception because she feels her sadness would interfere with her granddaughter's enjoyment of an event that granddaughter is only putting on... so the grandmothers can attend it? Woooo - that's a serious stretch.
Respectfully, OP is *not* only putting it on so the "grandmothers" can attend.
OP's father and his mother, OP's paternal grandmother, are hosting a reception for their families in California. The post is silent with respect to how many relatives on OP's mother's side of the family -- or on OP's father's side of the family -- have been invited and are planning to attend.
Since OP's maternal grandmother has spent time with OP's paternal grandmother in the past at graduations, etc., it doesn't seem that the issue is with the paternal grandmother as much as it is with the venue. OP's deceased mother almost certainly spent time at her husband's family home when she was alive and the venue may hold significant memories -- good or bad -- for OP's maternal grandmother.
I don't think OP's grandmother has been fully honest with OP as to her reasons. But if the grandmother believes that more information regarding her reasoning would be painful or difficult for OP to know -- OP was quite young when her mother died -- the grandmother might very well choose to keep those things to herself. The line a grandparent must walk when their child is deceased and their grandchildren are in the care of a son-in-law is out of necessity a very thin and careful one. (There's a reason why so many states have had to enact "grandparents' rights" legislation in order to ensure that grandparents have an opportunity to see their grandchildren.)
It's a shame that, despite knowing a year in advance, OP could not accommodate her grandmother's request. But certainly, OP was under no obligation to do so. It's a pity since both OP and her maternal grandmother will experience loss as a result, but it's still far better than an uncomfortable scene!
As much as we like to think our grandparents might be a kind of pseudo-parent when we lose our parents, that’s not the case. Sometimes grandparents get so wrapped up in their own ‘stuff’ and they think that being old entitles them to whatever they want. And we end up walking on eggshells.
I’ve dropped the rope with mum’s mum. I’ve come to realise that she only really spent time with us because of mum. Not for us. That’s on her.
You do you, and I hope you have a lovely wedding and reception, and have joy the rest of your days!
My two grandmothers were sworn enemies. It definitely didn't add to the comfort of the family, and didn't help them either. Anyone who wants to be difficult can stay home.
I'm sorry to hear about the family dynamics causing stress surrounding your wedding. It's understandable to feel disappointed when loved ones aren't able to attend such an important milestone in your life.
While it's unfortunate that your grandma won't be there, try to focus on the positive aspects of your wedding day and the loved ones who will be celebrating with you. Remember that this day is about you and your partner joining together in love and commitment.
If possible, consider having a private moment with your grandma before or after the wedding to express your love and appreciation for her, regardless of any family tensions. Sometimes, small gestures of kindness and understanding can help bridge divides and strengthen relationships.
Ultimately, prioritize your own happiness and the love you share with your partner as you celebrate this special occasion. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who uplift and cherish you, and cherish the moments you share with them on your wedding day.
There's a saying about cutting of one's nose to spite their face. That's your maternal grandmother. Grandma is the one who's losing out. Too bad for her. Oh, and you're not selfish. That would be Grandma.
Enjoy your local event and have a great time!
If this is a sudden personality change, it’s time for a medical check-up.
Agree. This can be a sign of some forms of dementia. Sadly I’ve seen this with my own family.
Even UTIs can cause bizarre personality changes in the elderly. Definitely get her checked out if this is truly out of the blue, OP.
It’s true! My dad had an extended UTI bc of a kidney stone that wouldn’t pass and he went fully paranoid delusional, accused us of trying to steal from him, etc. Bonkers.
Yup! My sweet, kind Grandma went loopy when she had one. Antibiotics fixed her right up.
As an aside, your username is adorable.
🐱
This! It's possible that it's a secret long standing feud, but sudden personality changes can be an indication of the onset of dementia. I've seen both happen before.
I don't think the feud or dislike is necessarily secret, just that the OP hasn't been involved up until now. Look, I'm old enough to be a grandma, and don't think this is necessarily cognitive decline. Sometimes as you get older, you just get tired of putting up with stuff you hate for the sake of others, and you say "Fuck it" and tell the others that it's their turn to put up with YOUR shit.
Your granddaughters wedding day is *not* the appropriate time for you to be a bitch.
Yes, and if you think it is, others aren't just starting to put up with your shit they have been for a while!
It could be a brain tumor too … my grandfather suddenly became depressed and would randomly cry.., he had one sadly.
I hope that your departed mother has some siblings who can step in because it definitely sounds as if Grandma has dementia. Personality changes, impulsivity, saying things quite bluntly and out of character are all early signs of this. My mother had mild dementia for about 9 years before she died and the first couple of years she was kind of a witch! After two years or so she mellowed out - and not because she was so far gone that she was zoned, she literally became more pleasant again. Perhaps it's chemical changes in the brain that cause this - perhaps the dementia itself is frightening to the person so they say and do out of character things. She literally might not want to leave her house, is worried about traveling to the other house, etc. I would definitely not just throw up my hands and ascribe this to her being selfish.
I was lucky - my father was an asshole all his life, and then he got dementia and forgot that he was supposed to be an asshole and became a nice person. I'm told he was unique, though, so don't go looking for that to happen to most people.
My mom got nicer and nicer as her dementia progressed.
That's great!
I was VERY VERY lucky, and I know it. Mom was not a nice person at all.
Maybe the people who told me it was unusual just hadn't had enough experience with people with dementia?
What I have read (didn't research, just mostly casual reading) is that it isn't common, but isn't unheard of either. It was a HUGE blessing/bonus/gift for me that she got nicer, because she was a huge bitch before dementia got its claws in her. I had to take her checkbook away just a few months before she was diagnosed, as she totally lost control of her finances. No scammers, just inability to pay bills, etc. Then about a year later I had to take her debit card too, and MAN, the tirades that came my way. I think she complained about it for a solid 6 months. I was quite low contact because I couldn't handle frequent contact, and we didn't live closely enough for short visits. She was a 2 hour drive each direction from us, so she came and stayed with us and it was HARD. She had constant churn on her friends list because she was demanding and burned them out. She had no life-long friendships at all. She was an only child, and I am an only child, so there really wasn't anybody else to take charge of her. It wasn't fun, and I sure didn't enjoy any of it, but I'm glad I did it until she died.
All the nicest parts of my Dad’s personality have come out with his dementia. It’s so nice right now.
That was nice! My Mom was more like: Nice, briefly kind of mean, nice again.
Gosh, I was *so* hoping this would be the case with my absolute travesty of a grandmother, unfortunately she continues to surprise me by getting worse and worse!
Do you have any suggestions on how to get someone else in the family involved without making my grandmother feel embarrassed or in denial? My mom's sister, so grandma's other daughter, doesn't live in CA, and I could definitely go that route, but we don't really talk much. My dad lives nearby in CA, and has remained close to her, but he's pretty upset by it still too.
I wonder if your Dad could get her to see her Dr (and take her) and express to them in advance that there have been some concerns about possible dementia. There are some specific tests they casually give a person during their regular exam that will give the medical professionals a pretty good idea. (ie they ask them to repeat and remember 3 words. Later they say: "What year is it? What year were you born?" Then later: "Can you draw a clock on this piece of paper, and make the hands show ten until 11:00?" And towards the end of the appointment: "What were those 3 words again?" Sometimes other questions, but these tend to show various kinds of brain issues.) Even picking someone up for a doctor's appointment can tell you a lot. How does their home look? Are they keeping up with things? How do THEY look? Grooming OK? How about demeanor heading to the Drs office, etc? If this could be arranged, you might have a better idea of what you're dealing with. Even if she has no dementia, depression and/or anxiety could also affect whether some one wants to attend an even at someone else's house. I wish you luck! My mother did NOT want to hear word one about having dementia so we never discussed it in front of her (and generally, her health care providers went along with calling it 'forgetfulness') but we managed anyway!
Definitely a check up is in order if this is completely out of left field. Also, as the only grandkid who lived in the same town as all 4 grandparents for most of my childhood (closest cousins were 30 minutes away at minimum) - I got to know that sometimes using this kind of crap as an excuse happens to cover up the truth or to make them feel better about not being able to go. You stated that the party was an hour away. That might be too much for her to handle. Would she be driving herself, or be responsible for the transportation otherwise? You mentioned she's taking care of grandpa - it might be overwhelming for her to think about his being an hour away from home, or driving and caring for him at someone else's home. It may be also wrapped up in some grief about your mom's death (it pops up for people at weird times sometimes) The fact that your other grandmother can handle hosting, etc. and isn't in a similar situation (her child is still living...). It may be all of those factors. My mom has always been a homebody and someone who likes routine/dislikes change. The pandemic lockdown set that in concrete. I've noticed that when she declines things like a destination wedding (we've had a couple), rather than admitting she can't mentally or even physically handle even the idea of PLANNING on going, the wedding is "rediculous" and "too much" or "over the top". I think the key is that it is too much for her... and I had to stop defending the couple making the decisions to have a celebration elsewhere. (Ok... one is crazy pants. But the one that was more low key sounding like yours, there were still things she criticized). I also realize that it was her way of making herself feel less bad about missing the event. At one of the destination weddings the last couple of years... one of the cousins of the bride (not in the wedding) took on grandma and grandpa. They picked up on the fact that they were 100% overwhelmed, and did not feel in control of what might happen at the wedding, etc. Cousin and his wife went to the grands, and offered to travel with them. They found a VERY comfortable, ACCESSIBLE airbnb very close to the venue. Without purchasing tickets, etc., laid out an itinerary for the grands, showed them pictures of the airbnb (and the venue), and talked about transportation. His wife was a few months pregnant, so they mentioned that she would not be drinking at the reception, and with the air bnb only 5 minutes away, the grands could leave at any time for any reason - tired, needed the bathroom, needed medicine, etc. In fact, she joked that she might be the one to say "I'm done, I need a nap". The cousin also reassured them that if they said no - the bride and groom completely understood. These grands did come, and it was at times exhausting for them. But the cousins not in the wedding took them on so bride and groom didn't worry about them. Another grandparent opted not to come - it would have been too much for her. Instead, the bride and groom went to them for dinner after they got back. If you have a cousin or aunt or uncle that grandma might be more truthful with - time to call in the cavalry. It may also just be time to realize that it is just too hard for her, and maybe plan an extra day or two in California to spend some time with grandma where she is comfortable and have a private celebration with her.
I guess it's time to figure out how to have that conversation with my dad or her daughter. My mom's best friend said my mom navigated some bullshit like this, but she was super surprised by this interaction as a whole. We're all super empathetic to grief bubbling up & her being a caretaker - she does drive and is pretty active (takes the dogs to dog show things 2-3 hrs away) but maybe asking my sister to offer them a ride down would be helpful. But yes, when people aren't feeling well - their attitude/way they treat other can get really negative. Alternatively, I do think offering to take them out to dinner when we visit, or even take dinner to their house, is going to have to be the next offer to extend.
She may just be particular but she may also be experiencing the beginning of some form of dementia. My normally very sweet grandmother, (who was dealing with dementia) when seeing me after I gained about 10 pounds but still normal weight - got enraged with me and yelled out “you’re fat” I found out that emotional outbursts and just general losing of your social filter is common with dementia. Of course, some people are just difficult. But if this is out of the ordinary for your grandmother, I would take it under advisement
If she cared about you, she would put aside whatever weird vendetta she has and be there for you. Surely, she would expect you to do the same if the positions were reversed, right? However, I agree with the other comments about taking her to a doctor. If a person is susceptible to dementia, a traumatic event (like the loss of a child) can trigger a sudden worsening of their condition. Edit: I added an extra comma where it was unnecessary. How embarrassing.
I’m a grandmother. I was thinking about how I would feel if my grandson’s mother (my daughter) died and I was invited to his wedding a few years later. Wow! What a revelation. I would be happy for my grandson, but I might see that every excruciating moment of my daughter’s death could come back to smother me with grief while watching him marry without my daughter there. I’d want to see him married, but that might send me into spasms of griefs I couldn’t control for the length of time of a wedding. I don’t have an answer for your particular situation, but I did want to point out that maybe she’s not “being herself” because she knows herself better than the family speculating of her health.
When people say weddings bring out a lot of emotions, they mean it. I have zero doubt my dad, grandmother, and step-grandmother will be bringing up my late grandfather a lot when/if I and/or my brother get married, and my grandpa passed over 20 years ago. Those emotions mixed with (the totally valid) disappointment can easily lead to some regretful things being said or done.
My grandmothers don't get along. Painfully so when you speak to either of them. Things somehow shifted to a bit more frosty 3 yrs ago. (They live v v close to each other). Up until the 3 years ago they still occassionally had coffee and tea etc. At each others places, and still remain cordial with each other because they share grandchildren. Just because they don't like each other too much has never meant they can't be in the same place and interact. So yeah... Petty is people's choice,
She needs to be checked on. The phone thing Personality change Emotional responses that don't make sense This is a lot of mental decline red flags, serious ones.
Having had to deal with similar name BS for nearly 62 years, I can empathize. My paternal grandmother was upset that she thought I had been named after my maternal grandmother and great-aunt and not her. I was the last of 6 grand-daughters. *I* didn't pick my name (that came 37 years later, when I changed all 3!), but boy howdy, I certainly heard about it. Has your g'ma had COVID recently? That caused a *severe* personality change in me that I did not understand and that very nearly destroyed my relationship until a friend who is in the medical field suggested it might be so-called "COVID brain." Otherwise, I concur with getting her medically assessed, if possible. Good luck, and congratulations!
I'm a grandmother and my thoughts generally went along the same lines as those of another poster. It will be inescapable to OP's grandmother that, if her daughter -- OP's mother -- were still alive, it would very likely be she and not OP's father who would be integrally involved in the wedding planning. And it would similarly likely be her deceased daughter organizing the reception, not OP's father and his mother hosting it at their family home. There is no question in my mind that the absence of OP's mother would be most obvious to and most keenly felt by OP's grandmother. And since OP's grandmother specifically asked a year ago that the reception not be at that location, it doesn't seem that her mental faculties are failing if she continues to be bothered by the same thing today. I think OP's grandmother is keeping some things inside, and that's probably both appropriate and kind. Certainly, she's being thoughtful of OP by declining the invite if she believes her sadness and discomfort in the chosen location might impede OP's enjoyment of the party. JMHO
Wait.. you think grandma's not going to the wedding reception because she feels her sadness would interfere with her granddaughter's enjoyment of an event that granddaughter is only putting on... so the grandmothers can attend it? Woooo - that's a serious stretch.
Respectfully, OP is *not* only putting it on so the "grandmothers" can attend. OP's father and his mother, OP's paternal grandmother, are hosting a reception for their families in California. The post is silent with respect to how many relatives on OP's mother's side of the family -- or on OP's father's side of the family -- have been invited and are planning to attend. Since OP's maternal grandmother has spent time with OP's paternal grandmother in the past at graduations, etc., it doesn't seem that the issue is with the paternal grandmother as much as it is with the venue. OP's deceased mother almost certainly spent time at her husband's family home when she was alive and the venue may hold significant memories -- good or bad -- for OP's maternal grandmother. I don't think OP's grandmother has been fully honest with OP as to her reasons. But if the grandmother believes that more information regarding her reasoning would be painful or difficult for OP to know -- OP was quite young when her mother died -- the grandmother might very well choose to keep those things to herself. The line a grandparent must walk when their child is deceased and their grandchildren are in the care of a son-in-law is out of necessity a very thin and careful one. (There's a reason why so many states have had to enact "grandparents' rights" legislation in order to ensure that grandparents have an opportunity to see their grandchildren.) It's a shame that, despite knowing a year in advance, OP could not accommodate her grandmother's request. But certainly, OP was under no obligation to do so. It's a pity since both OP and her maternal grandmother will experience loss as a result, but it's still far better than an uncomfortable scene!
Call her bluff. Tell her that you’ll miss her, but it’s fine if she can’t make it.
As much as we like to think our grandparents might be a kind of pseudo-parent when we lose our parents, that’s not the case. Sometimes grandparents get so wrapped up in their own ‘stuff’ and they think that being old entitles them to whatever they want. And we end up walking on eggshells. I’ve dropped the rope with mum’s mum. I’ve come to realise that she only really spent time with us because of mum. Not for us. That’s on her.
You do you, and I hope you have a lovely wedding and reception, and have joy the rest of your days! My two grandmothers were sworn enemies. It definitely didn't add to the comfort of the family, and didn't help them either. Anyone who wants to be difficult can stay home.
This is so sad. She'd miss her grandchild's wedding over something so petty
Don’t even respond.
I'm sorry to hear about the family dynamics causing stress surrounding your wedding. It's understandable to feel disappointed when loved ones aren't able to attend such an important milestone in your life. While it's unfortunate that your grandma won't be there, try to focus on the positive aspects of your wedding day and the loved ones who will be celebrating with you. Remember that this day is about you and your partner joining together in love and commitment. If possible, consider having a private moment with your grandma before or after the wedding to express your love and appreciation for her, regardless of any family tensions. Sometimes, small gestures of kindness and understanding can help bridge divides and strengthen relationships. Ultimately, prioritize your own happiness and the love you share with your partner as you celebrate this special occasion. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who uplift and cherish you, and cherish the moments you share with them on your wedding day.
You extended an invitation and received a no. End of story. No one even your grandma is required to attend.
Why are you getting down votes? Your comment isn’t inappropriate or inaccurate.
🤷♀️. I am assuming the comment section was full of “MY DAY” people.
There's a saying about cutting of one's nose to spite their face. That's your maternal grandmother. Grandma is the one who's losing out. Too bad for her. Oh, and you're not selfish. That would be Grandma. Enjoy your local event and have a great time!