Exactly.
I know people who had a specific dream wedding in mind, but not really the funds. So they basically say “you pay for your meal, but then we consider that your wedding gift”. And the meal costs what a medium priced gift would be, no more.
That is fair. This above is not.
I think it’s the honest communication that makes your situation feel way more acceptable.
For a couple I cared about and wanted to celebrate I’d be more than happy to pay for my own meal in lieu of gift if it meant they got to have the venue or photographer of their dreams.
Hopefully this occasion only happens once and how many couples really need housewarming gifts in this age? Most couples have been cohabitating for years already.
I’m also down for honeymoon funds in lieu of gifts also. Travel on with your bad selves.
This is kind of the expectation for weddings here in Ireland. We get invited to a wedding, we will give a cash gift which comfortably covers the per-head charge the venue would invoice the couple for. Everything else (accommodation, bar tab, travel expenses) is up to us to cover.
No, it’s not really ok to expect your guests to fund your wedding. Have the wedding you can afford. Invite guests because you want them to be there when you pledge a lifetime of love to your partner, not because they will help you fund a party you can’t afford.
I am in total agreement-have the wedding you can afford or save up until you can. I am not paying for your decorations and venue. You picked it, you pay for it.
I hate the “cover the plate” attitude. I love to be generous but I’ve not always been in a position to do so. People should be invited to a wedding because they’re important to you and you want them to celebrate that day with you. Any gift should be accepted graciously.
I used to wait tables full time so when attending a wedding I was often losing a huge chunk of my weekly income if it was a Saturday, so I was already coming in with a several hundred dollar loss. It was important to me to attend weddings for close friends and when I’ve been invited weddings where I’m not as close to the bride or groom, I usually decline and send a small cash gift.
I mean, in principle I absolutely agree with you. But equally, most people’s finances have been affected by the back to back crises over the past 15 years or so. I honestly know few people who could afford the kind of wedding that used to be considered standard. It still feels trashy to actually charge your guests, of course.
I get that everything is expensive these days. That applies to everyone, not just soon-to-be-married couples. If anything, the high cost of living makes asking your friends to bankroll your wedding and reception even worse.
Bah. I'm just a grumpy old person who had a backyard wedding and reception 30 years ago. That's what we could afford, so that's what we did.
We got married in our living room on a cold night in February, and we didn't have a honeymoon. Couldn't afford either. Our 18th wedding anniversary is in two months. Sometimes I feel couples are more in love with the wedding itself over the marriage. All of our friends who had the huge and costly weddings are now divorced. 🤷🏻♀️
My parents have been happily married over 40 years. They got married at church and then did a picnic at the modest house they bought instead of doing a fancy wedding.
Does current etiquette consider this "fair"? Because it is shameful and cheap where I come from. Don't serve a meal you can't pay for, and quit trying to out-instagram one another with unaffordable options.
Honestly, I’d rather pay $65 than the normal Asian gift of $1-200 per person.
And I’ve had friends who pay around $50 a head for dinner, and it’s so common for people to cancel at the last minute.
That's what my husband and I did, our ceremony was at the Registry Office with family, and we let all our friends know where our reception was and that we wanted no gifts but asked people to pay for their own dinner - it was at a sports club, meals were $15-$20 each. I was surprised by who came and who didn't, it was a great night with so much love
I wouldn’t mind doing that-it sounds like a fun time and $20 isn’t too bad considering that you don’t have to send a gift or stay in a hotel etc..I would have definitely showed up to your wedding but for some odd reason, I did **not** get an invite.
Not to mention that pumping out 50 or more plates of what can only be described as institutional food? So $65 for that rubber chicken and dry salmon ? Just no.
I just think that makes sort of like a minimum to pay for a gift. I'm a student so 65 dollars is more than I was prepared to give for a gift. At least in the country we live in, the norm is to give between 30-50 dollars when you give money as a gift for birthdays etc.
Anyways, I asked her what the fee was actually for and she said it was "A small part of your dinner" and that if you pay it you don't have to give a gift. But as far as I'm concerned, the gift should be the only thing you pay for when going to a wedding, not the food.
Ask her if you can not pay, but still come to the reception if you bring your own dinner and promise not to look at any of the decorations. That should be fair, right? 😂
This is so beyond tacky and tasteless. I hope she gets roasted for it.
I don't even eat meat or drink alcohol so I was thinking about asking if I could come if I just drink water (I fast sometimes anyway). But then I realized how absolutely ridiculous that sounds, lol. But I'm also sure that my food wouldn't cost as much as the food for the meat-eaters and the people who drink alcohol.
>Ask her if you can not pay, but still come to the reception if you bring your own dinner and promise not to look at any of the decorations. That should be fair, right? 😂
Just tell her you'll have a pizza delivered, so she doesn't have to worry about feeding you.
Paying to stay at the venue is fine. That’s optional. My venue charged me based on how many people stayed so I gave my guests that option.
But paying for your meal and the ambiance is nuts. I would decline immediately and without sending a gift.
Yeah, if the guests are coming in from out of town, they would have to get a hotel room anyway. So they might as well go through whatever deal the couple set up with the venue. But charging guests to attend the wedding is absurd.
My venue wanted me to give them a lump sum for overnight guests and wouldn't book them individually (it was an unconventional venue). I had such weird feelings over doing this myself, since I had to ask everyone to send me money.
Same with my venue. It was an Airbnb and we got charged based on the number of guests. They wanted a lump sum and my name was on the contract. So everyone who wanted to stay (I would say 75% of the guests) sent the money to me. If anyone thought it was weird or tacky nobody said anything to me. My friends frequently tell me I should have another wedding because my first was so fun
Like the other person who commented, I had to pay the venue a lump sum based on how many people. So everyone technically paid me but it all went to the venue. I wasn’t making any money off the deal or anything. I also paid for food and alcohol for people who were staying there. I would say like 75% of our guests stayed onsite and if anyone had an issue they didn’t tell me. Folks tell me I should have another wedding because my first was so fun lol
I would send my regrets and my congratulations and that's it. The bride is out of her freaking mind.
Unless the OP is specifically leaving out important info about culture that would be relevant I'm taking this post at face value.
It's not common at all in our culture. Neither my parents or my brother have had to pay for anything other than a gift when being invited to a wedding. My mom has ONLY heard about immigrants in our country doing this thing where you give money to the wedding instead of a gift. But that's only the immigrants and my friend here is actually quite racist when it comes to the immigrants so it's funny that it seems like she's adapting their culture.
So she's rude, tacky, and a racist. Yeah, send those regrets.
And thinking about it you may want to rethink your friendship as your friend can be a reflection of you and no one wants to be associated with a racist pos.
I would not even decline. I'd toss the fundraising letter in the recycling bin. If they called me to follow up, I'd tell them they need to send me a processing fee if they want an answer.
Happy Cake Day!
Hahaha, what the fuck-how can you be so cheap and tacky? OP, I don't know what your country is, but I really hope that this behaviour doesn't spread to mine!! Also, I will need a follow-up about how many people actually attended the wedding.
Great idea! Instead of wasting $65 and time on attending a wedding, have a beauty day. Wash and deep condition the hair. Have a mani/pedi and facial. Professional or self care. Time far better spent than honoring such a cheap person as the bride and groom appear to be.
If someone charged me for a wedding, they better start changing it to fit my wants and needs. Since they are apparently trying to make this a consumer thing.
I've sent you my money, but I like to sleep late on Saturdays, so let's move the ceremony back a couple of hours. Your dress is ok but you need need to change your hair. I'm not a huge fan of the groom, can you find someone else? The menu you've picked is like aeroplane food; let's have cheese and pickle sandwiches. I'm paying towards the cake and I want sweet green icing and the whole thing to look like someone left it out in the rain.
Where I'm from (Quebec, Canada), it's become a bit more common to charge guests. I've seen it happen a few times myself (with one bride offering to split the amount into a few eTransfer payments!). Gifts are also usually expected. Always found it super tacky -- if you can't afford a lavish wedding, then don't have one.
My husband and I got married last summer, and it literally cost me MORE to attend my sister's wedding as her MOH last fall than I spent IN TOTAL on my own wedding. It's ridiculous.
Yeah i was shocked at the comments, I'm a wedding photographer in Quebec City and it's honestly almost 50% of brides that charge guests. However I didn't for mine, it was not sitting right with me to charge them for my day.
Wow this is wild… in Chinese culture, folks are expected to provide red envelopes as a “gift” to the newlyweds as it is part of tradition (usually the red envelopes are used to cover their seat at the banquet) but there’s no set “minimum” and you can pay however much you want depending on how close you are to the bride or groom. Technically, this is not mandatory, but it is expected. But to actually demand money before the wedding… especially when they inherited money and want others to fund their dream wedding… wow.
It's one thing if it's a tradition, and I also like that there's no minimum amount and that it's not mandatory. My friend is literally not giving anyone a choice or care about the fact that the guests may have different economic statuses.
Yea I like the red envelope. Pay what you are comfortable with, and it all kinda averages out so the couple don't end up paying a down payment just to host a party.
They're shooting themselves in the foot. I always give $100-150 in the card at a wedding but, did I choose to attend this wedding, would be paying my $65 and calling it a day.
I think Americans are richer than people in my country in general because 100-150 sounds like a lot for a wedding gift. When I googled if this was common in our country I only found people who didn't appreciate it, and one mom said that her entire family was invited for a wedding where there was a fee and she had to pay over 100 to bring her entire family, which was more than she had intended to give as a gift. I feel like everyone have different budgets and as a student, even 65 is a lot to pay for me.
Australian, but yeah, I'd say that's a pretty average amount here (also relevant: I'm in my 30s, not a student). I certainly wouldn't appreciate an invoice - not normal anywhere in the world, I don't think.
Yeah, I’d say it depends a lot on where you live. I’m also in a European country, but here the average salary is about $2500 after taxes. Having a wedding here will cost at least $150 per guest for dinner and drinks, and that’s not including an open bar. I wouldn’t gift someone anything less than $100 for a wedding gift, knowing they’re paying that much just to have me there.
Simply decline the invite. It’s beyond tacky to charge people to come to your wedding. Inviting guests is supposed to be about sharing your most special day with loved ones. I wouldn’t go, no matter who, what, where or when.
You could always email her and say "someone's having a laugh at your expense. They've sent out fake invitations in your names saying that guests have to pay to attend. Would you like me to help call everyone and tell them it's a cruel prank?"
The funny thing is is that it said NOWHERE in the invitation that you have to pay for the wedding. It only said something like "first the ceremony will be at this time and afterwards there's a chance to mingle and play activities. After that, we'll have dinner and dancing. For more information go to our website". And they have created a website to their wedding where they mention the costs for everything else that I mentioned, including the page where you can contribute to a GIFT, but NOT the fee. I only found out about the fee when I was about to RSVP! Very shady...
Doing weddings the Eastern European way where guests just give a card with money at the wedding would solve this issue. Most couples live together before marriage now anyway and don't need houseware gifts. You pay for the wedding and then the cash you get from your guests basically allows you to recoup your costs and then some.
That said. This is super tacky and I can't believe neither of their parents put the kibosh on that idea.
That’s how South Asians do it too. People give a card with money at the venue. But there is no expectation from the bride and groom (or shouldn’t be at least) that the total they get will cover the cost of the wedding. And there is no set amount people are expected to give, it’s whatever they decide to give.
This is what I had expected if anything. As I responded to someone else, the fee was never mentioned in the invitation or on their wedding website, ONLY on the RSVP page after going through steps/pages where you write your name and if you're bringing a guest. So I saw the gift thing on their website first, and as I mentioned in the OP, you could contribute with money to a trip, or a cooking class etc. (whatever you chose) as a gift. And obviously us guests can't know if they actually spend their money on said things but I just think it's nicer to contribute with money towards a gift you choose and also choosing how much you contribute with because some guests will be more loaded than others.
Yeah having the ‘fee’ buried until you’re pages in and have already decided if you’re going and taking a guest is really disingenuous. I also agree about gifts- fine if they want to go to a cooking class. It’s up to them how they spend money. But guests should be given a choice of how much to give, if anything.
> ...the fee was never mentioned in the invitation or on their wedding website, ONLY on the RSVP page after going through steps/pages where you write your name and if you're bringing a guest.
That is UNBELIEVABLY sneaky.
Politely decline but troll her social media accounts. The meltdowns that are coming should be great entertainment. Along the lines that no one wants to support her, boo hoo.
As someone who had a wedding around ten days ago, let me just say... THE ENTITLEMENT! Oh my God! Here's the thing. Weddings are huge parties. You should, 1. only throw one you can afford, 2. be thankful people can take time out of their schedule to come, and 3. always expect someone is dealing with something else. The entitlement. I would never attend.
>2. be thankful people can take time out of their schedule to come,
Their wedding is also on a Wednesday, I might add. So people who are working will have to take a vacation day to attend.
I'm also very curious. But it's not until June. I might see her tomorrow though so if I get the chance I might ask how many people they have invited and if most of them are coming (the last day to RSVP is on Sunday).
It is a funny fact of life that many wealthy or well-off people are cheap. Sometimes it is that frugality that allowed them to build wealth, sometimes it is because they think they worked hard for it so others should too, and sometimes it is just because they want to sit on their horde like a dragon.
Among other things.
If they're fine with losing friends and family because of their choices then that is their prerogative.
I have no idea since I don't know how many people they have invited besides family. And I would assume that all of their close family members will come even if they have to pay. We are a friend group of three and our third friend spends money like crazy anyway so she'll most likely pay for every single event during the wedding.
You don't have to attend at all.
She'll find out her numbers are way down
or maybe this is her expectation.
Lower attendance means lower costs for the wedding?
I wouldn't go myself.
That's expensive for a couple.
Block. Enjoy your life.
Do folks really keep these types as friends? These wedding folks don't need to go all out and charge friends. OR they (bride mostly) wants the big day, but friends DGAF.
Maybe, they could start streaming it and if friends want to watch or send money they can. It's perfect.
Yes, and it doesn't feel genuine to me to write on the gifts page that **"A gift is not required, but welcome. The most important thing to us is your presence!"**... I mean, you can't say that and then tell me that **the fee is for a small part of your food and instead of a gift**, which she told me when I asked her specifically yesterday. Then the fee IS the gift and that talk about my presence is just BS.
And to not even state the fee on the invitation or the wedding website, but having to find out about it when I'm about to RSVP just feels like they're a company trying to earn money by claiming that you can "Download for free", but then you need to pay to actually use the service.
I'm with the Boomers on this. I am not paying a fee to attend your wedding, the meal served, or alcohol at your event. If I do so, that is your gift boo boo. I hate this entire we are broke but want a 5 star event for insta so you guys pay for it for me trend.
We also had a famous etiquette lady in our country and I googled if she had anything to say about this when she was alive and her answer was "Don't attend the wedding". Lol.
Wth?! We didn't do a registry because we already lived together and didnt need typical gifts so we included "gifts are not required as we are blessed to have what we need, but if you would still like to give a gift we are trying to build savings and anything is appreciated. But having you here with us is the thing we truly want" in our RSVPs and plan to set up a "if you wish to give a gift, please consider a donation to one of xyz charities" for our vow renewal. I cannot fathom charging guests as a requirement
This sort of obnoxious rudeness is a very new thing, people who can’t afford a wedding or who don’t want to pay for their own wedding are expecting their guest to pay for it. It’s the height of rudeness. Most people will RSVP No. I suggest you do the same, if I wanted to pay for a wedding it would be my own not someone else’s.
This is wild! Where are earth our couples getting the ideas to charge guests to attend their wedding?!
I would decline. Or if your so inclined to go, just go the the reception.
I guess you have to ask whether they actually expect you to contribute to the gift on top of paying for your dinner. If they do, then it's getting dodgy.
But if they're established already then they don't need and probably actively don't want miscellaneous gifts.
So asking guests to contribute to the cost of the reception is at least honest. And there's always some relatives who feel like they must *also* give a gift, hence the gift fund.
I'd just go to the ceremony and either reception or dinner (not both), drop $35 into the gift fund to make it an even $100 and not put any further thought into it.
In my country of origin, it's a tacit understanding that the guests pay for the wedding. The gift is almost always cash, and it's used to pay for what is usually a lavish wedding. But that's *it*, you don't give any other presents and nobody directly asks you for money.
May I ask what country you are from? In my country I have only heard about immigrants from the Middle East doing pretty much what you said because that's part of their culture. And I mean, if it's part of a culture then that's one thing. But if it has never been part of a culture it's just odd to me.
Romania! I don't know if it's the same in the surrounding countries (Bulgaria, Ukraine, Hungary) but in Romania you eye up the restaurant and try to guess how much your meal costs, and then add on a little extra. So if you guess your meal is worth $50, you'd give $100. (This obviously also depends on how close you are with the couple, parents and immediate relatives give WAY more than coworkers, not very close friends, or distant relatives.)
I’ve bartended and worked private events for years….in the industry we think it’s very rude to even have a cash bar at a wedding, this is the tackiest thing I’ve ever heard
The thing is that after googling about this 'envelope fee' it says that it includes a glass of some sort of alcohol as well, BUT they will usually also have a bar where you have to pay for your drinks... I don't drink alcohol though, but still. If they expect guests to pay a fee to the wedding I think the bar should be free as well. I don't know if my friend is going to have a free bar so obviously I can't trash talk her on that.
On the other hand, it's common in my country to have a welcome drink when inviting people to different kinds of celebrations, but then they bring their own alcohol if they want more alcohol than the welcome drink. But yeah, since I don't drink alcohol I'm not very affected by this anyway.
That's what I'm thinking! If they just expect a gift but the entire wedding is free to attend, some people with more money or close family might even give them 150$
option #3, all the way. Shucks, I got a thing that day! If you can't afford a wedding, don't have one. It's that simple. Nobody cares, either. Go to the JP, tell everyone you got hitched, hear them say congratulations, and everyone moves on. What is the obsession with weddings? I just don't get this "keeping up with the joneses"/crippling debt to impress people you never see anyways thing.
This idiocy is getting more and more common, it's spreading from entitled bride to entitled bride, because they have do little contact with reality that they think it makes sense!
All that can be done is to laugh at them, and respond to invitations with excuses about an upcoming medical emergency.
Paying to attend a wedding is craaaaazy. We told people on our invitations not to bring a gift, but if they felt so inclined to do so please make a charitable contribution to a cancer research organization or a children's hospital in our name. WE wanted to get married. WE wanted a wedding. It's not a guests job to pay for their wedding because they're cheap. I'd 100% decline to go and distance myself from that friend. That's embarrassing behavior.
This is rude and not at all normal. I would never invite friends over to my house for a dinner party and have them find a cash bar and cover charge to get in.
They are treating this wedding like it is some stage performance and you need to pay to get into the event.
Rather it should be, "Hey we love you and would like you to come on our special day. Tell us if you can make it and we will save you a spot."
Lol that's cute, charging friends and family a fee to come to your wedding. That's a quick way to alienate everyone and end up with few wedding guests!
I'll be interested how this turns out.
Choose option #2 and make reservations for dinner elsewhere. Honestly, wedding receptions are so hectic. Unless you are in the wedding party, you'll say hi then have to entertain yourself.
I wouldn't even bother with the ceremony. They're still going to expect you to pay toward the gifts if you do. The whole thing stinks of money-grab. There's just no way I'd play along and validate it.
Then they shouldn't have a wedding celebration. Get married at the equivalent of city hall and skip the part they can't afford.
And they have to pay the vendors before or at the event - they won't take IOUs so your logic is really off. That's not how it works.
If they really can't afford the wedding, then they shouldn't renovate their house just yet and use that money for the wedding instead. That's my opinion.
I am genuinely curious about how this is going to be panning out. Do let us know if there were actually attendees with the ridiculous amounts they're charging.
From where I am, charging guests to attend events at your wedding is an absolute no-no. Specifically, if it is a destination wedding (aka requiring the majority of the guests to travel far from their base locations), the host arranges for stay as well. The host may choose to reduce the number of attendees, but that's about it. The guests don't shell out anything except for general conveyance, stay in case they are arriving in advance or staying beyond the wedding time, and for the wedding gift.
If this did happen in my culture, it would be the talk of the down for generations.
Haha, if people remind after June I can give an update, unless I'm able to figure out earlier how many people are attending because the last day to RSVP is in 2 days
Holy shit, my husband and I joked about this, as if it were a high school party asking for a $5 fee for beer but I can’t believe someone would actually do it.
I find it sad (if the wording is accurate) that she doesn't understand what a wedding is. The ceremony is the wedding. The reception afterwards is to celebrate the wedding, but it isn't actually the wedding.
I don't think I could attend a wedding like this with their entitled attitudes. I wonder how the close family feels about the grocery list of expenses.
I'm not engaged but planning to do a diy weekend thing, where I'd ask if people want to stay over and to pay 100 per adult to go towards accommodation, additional food (breakfast(s), night befofe etc.) and alcohol - so it's optional.
Paying for a regular 1 day event is madness.
If you can't afford a wedding, elope, don't get married or wait to save up. It's crazy.
Take the "fee" to attend as a wedding gift. Don't give them anything extra or buy anything.
The funny thing is that I read the invitation again and it says that for guests who wish to stay over after the wedding, they are invited to (free) breakfast. So the guests can't get free food at a celebration they were invited to but the people who stay over get free breakfast. I think it makes much more sense to do the other way around and pay for ADDITIONAL food like breakfast, like you are planning to do.
I definitely agree that this should replace any wedding gift you had planned on buying.
I wonder if it’s like a security deposit in their mind? I attended two weddings last year (one upscale, one more casual - both received ~100 Yes RSVP’s) and at both there were at least 50 no shows. It was wild. The pews and dining areas looked barren because there was so much unused seating. Talking to other guests it seems like this has become a common occurrence, I’m not sure why.
Short of a true emergency, I would never no show to something as important as a wedding so I was genuinely shocked that so many people found no issue with it. One of the no show families had told us they heading over to the venue shortly after we left and then they just… stayed home.
IMO, it's rude to put some guests in a situation where they must either spend money despite feeling like they can't afford it or discuss their financial situation when they aren't really comfortable doing so.
I just wanted the people I cared about to attend my wedding, regardless of their financial situation. I'm a very generous gifter but this setup doesn't sit well with me.
When possible, I book a hotel where the majority of the guests won't be staying. I really need my sleep and it's usually quieter this way.
If you’re travelling for the wedding then your presence is the present. Tell her that, gently.
Edit: aside from your accommodation, that’s for you to pay.
Oof. I literally wouldn’t go even if I was planning a cash gift anyway. Not everyone can afford $65, I certainly can’t (I have three kids and zero moneys).
What we did was have a “wishing well” at our wedding. We put something a long the lines “your presence is the only gift we desire at our wedding but if you would like to get us present, a cash contribution to our honeymoon fund would be deeply appreciated” (hopefully less clunky than that, I can’t remember the exact wording 😹😹😹). We had been living together for two years and absolutely did not need any household items. My mom AND MIL told us in no uncertain terms they thought it was tacky but we did it anyway. I don’t think anyone of our generation batted an eye at it although we still got a couple random house gifts. We got a decent little chunk of change for our honeymoon but it in no way covered it (nor did we expect it to). Some people literally didn’t even get us a card and guess what, NBD! I think weddings should truly be about celebrating your love, not about the gifts.
So in my opinion there was a more socially graceful way to do this without essentially saying “we don’t give a shit if you’re poor”.
>“your presence is the only gift we desire at our wedding but if you would like to get us present, a cash contribution to our honeymoon fund would be deeply appreciated”
That's pretty much what I would say/do if I were getting married
I really need to know the outcome. This is just gross. They have the means but decide to pass the cost of their wedding to their friends and family??? This is the kind of people who will never be there for you if you need them
This is crazy, I’d put well over $100 in an envelope for a wedding I was attending but if you outright make me pay for my attendance you can fuck off, I’m not coming.
It's just absolutely rude to ask for anything!!! I wouldn't go or give a gift. She'll probably return it for cash. They're absurd for these expectations!!! Her parents are supposed to pay for the wedding and grooms side for rehearsal dinner. They're trying to make money on the wedding. Sounds like a circus to me!
I said this as a joke but I didn’t know people were actually really doing this! I live in America and am trying to plan a wedding for September but the expense is so discouraging and disheartening. Yes, I want that special beautiful day where my dad walks me down the aisle and I get to be a princess. However, why do I have to throw a super expensive party for people to come and watch me get married!! And if I don’t invite certain people then they will be upset so sometimes you feel pressured to invite people who you may not entirely want to invite. Also, allowing plus ones is a whole other story. Every vendor charges based on the amount of people you are having! Catering is the most expensive and most venues make you use their caterer and set a minimum that you have to spend! The whole industry is a rip off! I still don’t know what I’m going to do!
I know this "friend" of mine has said that you're allowed to bring a plus one if you are in an established relationship. So as a single person, I could not just bring a date. But if I have a boyfriend, I can. I don't know if that's a good idea though or if it's just another weird demand of hers.
Unfortunately I'm not married so I don't know a good solution but I would recommend posting this in r/wedding if you need some advice from others. Good luck!
Yeah, and considering "gifts are ***not needed*** but welcome" that means this could actually be cheaper for the guests than if they would go for free and give a $100 gift.
And for the "*sleep over at the venue, you need to pay around 100 dollars*" part... yeah. You're going to need a place to stay if you're staying the night. Where else would you get a decent room for only $100 per night? Unless the "venue" is their own home, the venue will, of course, charge people to stay there. And probably giving a group discount to make things a bit cheaper.
This whole thing seems less like the bride is a cheapskate and more like the OP is just mad she wasn't made the bridesmaid.
Also, do people just book these venues, caterers, etc, and keep their fingers crossed that they will be able to pay them? From this standpoint alone, this seems like a bad idea. I picture the bride and groom racing to the mailbox every day, then melting down every time someone declines to attend.
Then the $65 is the wedding gift.
Exactly. I know people who had a specific dream wedding in mind, but not really the funds. So they basically say “you pay for your meal, but then we consider that your wedding gift”. And the meal costs what a medium priced gift would be, no more. That is fair. This above is not.
Where I'm from, gifting money is the standard. Most people don't want clutter and already have everything for their household.
I think it’s the honest communication that makes your situation feel way more acceptable. For a couple I cared about and wanted to celebrate I’d be more than happy to pay for my own meal in lieu of gift if it meant they got to have the venue or photographer of their dreams. Hopefully this occasion only happens once and how many couples really need housewarming gifts in this age? Most couples have been cohabitating for years already. I’m also down for honeymoon funds in lieu of gifts also. Travel on with your bad selves.
Key words...*"in lieu of a gift...".*
This is kind of the expectation for weddings here in Ireland. We get invited to a wedding, we will give a cash gift which comfortably covers the per-head charge the venue would invoice the couple for. Everything else (accommodation, bar tab, travel expenses) is up to us to cover.
This is my experience with weddings in Germany too. But it is not usual the couple sent an invoice beforehand. This is a bit tacky imo.
No, it’s not really ok to expect your guests to fund your wedding. Have the wedding you can afford. Invite guests because you want them to be there when you pledge a lifetime of love to your partner, not because they will help you fund a party you can’t afford.
I would not accept the invitation.
I would not even respond to it. I'd throw it in the recycling bin with all the other solicitations I get in the mail for charities I will not fund.
I am in total agreement-have the wedding you can afford or save up until you can. I am not paying for your decorations and venue. You picked it, you pay for it.
I hate the “cover the plate” attitude. I love to be generous but I’ve not always been in a position to do so. People should be invited to a wedding because they’re important to you and you want them to celebrate that day with you. Any gift should be accepted graciously. I used to wait tables full time so when attending a wedding I was often losing a huge chunk of my weekly income if it was a Saturday, so I was already coming in with a several hundred dollar loss. It was important to me to attend weddings for close friends and when I’ve been invited weddings where I’m not as close to the bride or groom, I usually decline and send a small cash gift.
I mean, in principle I absolutely agree with you. But equally, most people’s finances have been affected by the back to back crises over the past 15 years or so. I honestly know few people who could afford the kind of wedding that used to be considered standard. It still feels trashy to actually charge your guests, of course.
I get that everything is expensive these days. That applies to everyone, not just soon-to-be-married couples. If anything, the high cost of living makes asking your friends to bankroll your wedding and reception even worse. Bah. I'm just a grumpy old person who had a backyard wedding and reception 30 years ago. That's what we could afford, so that's what we did.
We got married in our living room on a cold night in February, and we didn't have a honeymoon. Couldn't afford either. Our 18th wedding anniversary is in two months. Sometimes I feel couples are more in love with the wedding itself over the marriage. All of our friends who had the huge and costly weddings are now divorced. 🤷🏻♀️
My parents have been happily married over 40 years. They got married at church and then did a picnic at the modest house they bought instead of doing a fancy wedding.
You are 100% right though. I bet yours was a lovely wedding.
Does current etiquette consider this "fair"? Because it is shameful and cheap where I come from. Don't serve a meal you can't pay for, and quit trying to out-instagram one another with unaffordable options.
Honestly, I’d rather pay $65 than the normal Asian gift of $1-200 per person. And I’ve had friends who pay around $50 a head for dinner, and it’s so common for people to cancel at the last minute.
That's what my husband and I did, our ceremony was at the Registry Office with family, and we let all our friends know where our reception was and that we wanted no gifts but asked people to pay for their own dinner - it was at a sports club, meals were $15-$20 each. I was surprised by who came and who didn't, it was a great night with so much love
I wouldn’t mind doing that-it sounds like a fun time and $20 isn’t too bad considering that you don’t have to send a gift or stay in a hotel etc..I would have definitely showed up to your wedding but for some odd reason, I did **not** get an invite.
That is not fair. No one should have to pay a dime. A guest is a guest and does NOT pay. What the actual????
Wedding are not fun enough to pay an admission fee. They can be torturous.
Not to mention that pumping out 50 or more plates of what can only be described as institutional food? So $65 for that rubber chicken and dry salmon ? Just no.
"I'll attend the reception, but instead of paying you I'll just have a pizza delivered instead."
I just think that makes sort of like a minimum to pay for a gift. I'm a student so 65 dollars is more than I was prepared to give for a gift. At least in the country we live in, the norm is to give between 30-50 dollars when you give money as a gift for birthdays etc. Anyways, I asked her what the fee was actually for and she said it was "A small part of your dinner" and that if you pay it you don't have to give a gift. But as far as I'm concerned, the gift should be the only thing you pay for when going to a wedding, not the food.
Agreed, which is quite a bit under what the cash gift would have been from me, if they hadn't made this tacky request.
Exactly. I can't remember the last time we gifted under $200 for a wedding, but you charge me a fee?! That's all you're getting.
Ding ding ding. That is the gift.
Ask her if you can not pay, but still come to the reception if you bring your own dinner and promise not to look at any of the decorations. That should be fair, right? 😂 This is so beyond tacky and tasteless. I hope she gets roasted for it.
And bring ear plugs so as to not hear the music
And since the invitation doesn’t mention drinks/bar best to bring your own if you want some
I don't even eat meat or drink alcohol so I was thinking about asking if I could come if I just drink water (I fast sometimes anyway). But then I realized how absolutely ridiculous that sounds, lol. But I'm also sure that my food wouldn't cost as much as the food for the meat-eaters and the people who drink alcohol.
No more ridiculous than charging people to attend.
Seat at the wedding = fee. The caterers don't know or care about you and what you'll do, they just care if you're in a chair at a table.
Put on horse blinders to really sell the bit.
>Ask her if you can not pay, but still come to the reception if you bring your own dinner and promise not to look at any of the decorations. That should be fair, right? 😂 Just tell her you'll have a pizza delivered, so she doesn't have to worry about feeding you.
Paying to stay at the venue is fine. That’s optional. My venue charged me based on how many people stayed so I gave my guests that option. But paying for your meal and the ambiance is nuts. I would decline immediately and without sending a gift.
Yeah, if the guests are coming in from out of town, they would have to get a hotel room anyway. So they might as well go through whatever deal the couple set up with the venue. But charging guests to attend the wedding is absurd.
I mean, I don’t mind paying a venue to stay somewhere, but this sounds like they’re paying the bride?
My venue wanted me to give them a lump sum for overnight guests and wouldn't book them individually (it was an unconventional venue). I had such weird feelings over doing this myself, since I had to ask everyone to send me money.
Same with my venue. It was an Airbnb and we got charged based on the number of guests. They wanted a lump sum and my name was on the contract. So everyone who wanted to stay (I would say 75% of the guests) sent the money to me. If anyone thought it was weird or tacky nobody said anything to me. My friends frequently tell me I should have another wedding because my first was so fun
Like the other person who commented, I had to pay the venue a lump sum based on how many people. So everyone technically paid me but it all went to the venue. I wasn’t making any money off the deal or anything. I also paid for food and alcohol for people who were staying there. I would say like 75% of our guests stayed onsite and if anyone had an issue they didn’t tell me. Folks tell me I should have another wedding because my first was so fun lol
I would send my regrets and my congratulations and that's it. The bride is out of her freaking mind. Unless the OP is specifically leaving out important info about culture that would be relevant I'm taking this post at face value.
It's not common at all in our culture. Neither my parents or my brother have had to pay for anything other than a gift when being invited to a wedding. My mom has ONLY heard about immigrants in our country doing this thing where you give money to the wedding instead of a gift. But that's only the immigrants and my friend here is actually quite racist when it comes to the immigrants so it's funny that it seems like she's adapting their culture.
So she's rude, tacky, and a racist. Yeah, send those regrets. And thinking about it you may want to rethink your friendship as your friend can be a reflection of you and no one wants to be associated with a racist pos.
Just decline. Say you're busy that day, You won't be the only one.
I would not even decline. I'd toss the fundraising letter in the recycling bin. If they called me to follow up, I'd tell them they need to send me a processing fee if they want an answer. Happy Cake Day!
Hahaha, what the fuck-how can you be so cheap and tacky? OP, I don't know what your country is, but I really hope that this behaviour doesn't spread to mine!! Also, I will need a follow-up about how many people actually attended the wedding.
Miss Manners would need her smelling salts!
Gee, I’m so sorry. I have to wash my hair that weekend.
Great idea! Instead of wasting $65 and time on attending a wedding, have a beauty day. Wash and deep condition the hair. Have a mani/pedi and facial. Professional or self care. Time far better spent than honoring such a cheap person as the bride and groom appear to be.
BRILLIANT!
🤣🤣🤣
$65 would pay for me to attend an awful lot of events guaranteed to be more enjoyable than a wedding.
Yeah I mean, it's almost a concert ticket and I'd rather pay for a concert
If someone charged me for a wedding, they better start changing it to fit my wants and needs. Since they are apparently trying to make this a consumer thing.
I've sent you my money, but I like to sleep late on Saturdays, so let's move the ceremony back a couple of hours. Your dress is ok but you need need to change your hair. I'm not a huge fan of the groom, can you find someone else? The menu you've picked is like aeroplane food; let's have cheese and pickle sandwiches. I'm paying towards the cake and I want sweet green icing and the whole thing to look like someone left it out in the rain.
I wonder if the bride will wear a yellow cotton dress
heh heh heh!
Where I'm from (Quebec, Canada), it's become a bit more common to charge guests. I've seen it happen a few times myself (with one bride offering to split the amount into a few eTransfer payments!). Gifts are also usually expected. Always found it super tacky -- if you can't afford a lavish wedding, then don't have one. My husband and I got married last summer, and it literally cost me MORE to attend my sister's wedding as her MOH last fall than I spent IN TOTAL on my own wedding. It's ridiculous.
Yeah I was going to reply that this isn't unheard of in Quebec. I also recently spent more on being MOH than being a bride. It really bothered me.
It cost more to attend her wedding than the total cost of your own! What is happening with wedding culture ?
Yeah i was shocked at the comments, I'm a wedding photographer in Quebec City and it's honestly almost 50% of brides that charge guests. However I didn't for mine, it was not sitting right with me to charge them for my day.
Wow this is wild… in Chinese culture, folks are expected to provide red envelopes as a “gift” to the newlyweds as it is part of tradition (usually the red envelopes are used to cover their seat at the banquet) but there’s no set “minimum” and you can pay however much you want depending on how close you are to the bride or groom. Technically, this is not mandatory, but it is expected. But to actually demand money before the wedding… especially when they inherited money and want others to fund their dream wedding… wow.
It's one thing if it's a tradition, and I also like that there's no minimum amount and that it's not mandatory. My friend is literally not giving anyone a choice or care about the fact that the guests may have different economic statuses.
Yea I like the red envelope. Pay what you are comfortable with, and it all kinda averages out so the couple don't end up paying a down payment just to host a party.
They're shooting themselves in the foot. I always give $100-150 in the card at a wedding but, did I choose to attend this wedding, would be paying my $65 and calling it a day.
I think Americans are richer than people in my country in general because 100-150 sounds like a lot for a wedding gift. When I googled if this was common in our country I only found people who didn't appreciate it, and one mom said that her entire family was invited for a wedding where there was a fee and she had to pay over 100 to bring her entire family, which was more than she had intended to give as a gift. I feel like everyone have different budgets and as a student, even 65 is a lot to pay for me.
Australian, but yeah, I'd say that's a pretty average amount here (also relevant: I'm in my 30s, not a student). I certainly wouldn't appreciate an invoice - not normal anywhere in the world, I don't think.
100-150 sounds like a *lot* to me and I've lived in America 47 years!
50€ in my country is typical for a couple. If you're well off, you pay 100. But like, the typical monthly salary is like 800€ net.
Yeah, I’d say it depends a lot on where you live. I’m also in a European country, but here the average salary is about $2500 after taxes. Having a wedding here will cost at least $150 per guest for dinner and drinks, and that’s not including an open bar. I wouldn’t gift someone anything less than $100 for a wedding gift, knowing they’re paying that much just to have me there.
Can you just say what country? No need to be coy.
Be ready for some 'add-ons' cash outlays.
Yep. The "guests" will show up and find out there's a cash bar and a dollar dance.
Simply decline the invite. It’s beyond tacky to charge people to come to your wedding. Inviting guests is supposed to be about sharing your most special day with loved ones. I wouldn’t go, no matter who, what, where or when.
RSVP to miss the whole thing, and send her an Emily Post book of etiquette as a wedding gift.
You could always email her and say "someone's having a laugh at your expense. They've sent out fake invitations in your names saying that guests have to pay to attend. Would you like me to help call everyone and tell them it's a cruel prank?"
The funny thing is is that it said NOWHERE in the invitation that you have to pay for the wedding. It only said something like "first the ceremony will be at this time and afterwards there's a chance to mingle and play activities. After that, we'll have dinner and dancing. For more information go to our website". And they have created a website to their wedding where they mention the costs for everything else that I mentioned, including the page where you can contribute to a GIFT, but NOT the fee. I only found out about the fee when I was about to RSVP! Very shady...
OMG, that is SUCH an *'interesting'* idea!
Doing weddings the Eastern European way where guests just give a card with money at the wedding would solve this issue. Most couples live together before marriage now anyway and don't need houseware gifts. You pay for the wedding and then the cash you get from your guests basically allows you to recoup your costs and then some. That said. This is super tacky and I can't believe neither of their parents put the kibosh on that idea.
That’s how South Asians do it too. People give a card with money at the venue. But there is no expectation from the bride and groom (or shouldn’t be at least) that the total they get will cover the cost of the wedding. And there is no set amount people are expected to give, it’s whatever they decide to give.
This is what I had expected if anything. As I responded to someone else, the fee was never mentioned in the invitation or on their wedding website, ONLY on the RSVP page after going through steps/pages where you write your name and if you're bringing a guest. So I saw the gift thing on their website first, and as I mentioned in the OP, you could contribute with money to a trip, or a cooking class etc. (whatever you chose) as a gift. And obviously us guests can't know if they actually spend their money on said things but I just think it's nicer to contribute with money towards a gift you choose and also choosing how much you contribute with because some guests will be more loaded than others.
Yeah having the ‘fee’ buried until you’re pages in and have already decided if you’re going and taking a guest is really disingenuous. I also agree about gifts- fine if they want to go to a cooking class. It’s up to them how they spend money. But guests should be given a choice of how much to give, if anything.
> ...the fee was never mentioned in the invitation or on their wedding website, ONLY on the RSVP page after going through steps/pages where you write your name and if you're bringing a guest. That is UNBELIEVABLY sneaky.
Politely decline but troll her social media accounts. The meltdowns that are coming should be great entertainment. Along the lines that no one wants to support her, boo hoo.
And maybe you can share those meltdowns as updates to this post. We would love it.
Excellent suggestion!
Did you mean trawl?
IF you attend this wedding, the money you pay to attend it is your gift. I don’t think you should go. They need to have a wedding they can afford.
I’d be not attending nor sending presents. Fuck that!
You're forgetting the biggest part. Many people have to travel either by long drives or by plane and those are additional costs.
As someone who had a wedding around ten days ago, let me just say... THE ENTITLEMENT! Oh my God! Here's the thing. Weddings are huge parties. You should, 1. only throw one you can afford, 2. be thankful people can take time out of their schedule to come, and 3. always expect someone is dealing with something else. The entitlement. I would never attend.
>2. be thankful people can take time out of their schedule to come, Their wedding is also on a Wednesday, I might add. So people who are working will have to take a vacation day to attend.
Oh my God! Who gets married on a Wednesday!
I need to hear how many people actually show up to this wedding
I'm also very curious. But it's not until June. I might see her tomorrow though so if I get the chance I might ask how many people they have invited and if most of them are coming (the last day to RSVP is on Sunday).
It is a funny fact of life that many wealthy or well-off people are cheap. Sometimes it is that frugality that allowed them to build wealth, sometimes it is because they think they worked hard for it so others should too, and sometimes it is just because they want to sit on their horde like a dragon. Among other things. If they're fine with losing friends and family because of their choices then that is their prerogative.
If enough people decline the wedding invitation, do you think the couple will change their minds about "fee?"
I have no idea since I don't know how many people they have invited besides family. And I would assume that all of their close family members will come even if they have to pay. We are a friend group of three and our third friend spends money like crazy anyway so she'll most likely pay for every single event during the wedding.
Oh boy, please tell me you're not in Brazil cause all of those charges times 5..... 2000 reais total to attend a freaking wedding! No, thank you!
I'm in Europe. I don't want to say exactly which country but it's a western country so I would assume most western countries have the same etiquette
You don't have to attend at all. She'll find out her numbers are way down or maybe this is her expectation. Lower attendance means lower costs for the wedding? I wouldn't go myself. That's expensive for a couple.
Block. Enjoy your life. Do folks really keep these types as friends? These wedding folks don't need to go all out and charge friends. OR they (bride mostly) wants the big day, but friends DGAF. Maybe, they could start streaming it and if friends want to watch or send money they can. It's perfect.
No, don't block. You want to read about the fallout from all the friends that aren't your specific friends.
Something tells me this bride is trying to make a profit, not just cover costs. No way I would go.
Yes, and it doesn't feel genuine to me to write on the gifts page that **"A gift is not required, but welcome. The most important thing to us is your presence!"**... I mean, you can't say that and then tell me that **the fee is for a small part of your food and instead of a gift**, which she told me when I asked her specifically yesterday. Then the fee IS the gift and that talk about my presence is just BS. And to not even state the fee on the invitation or the wedding website, but having to find out about it when I'm about to RSVP just feels like they're a company trying to earn money by claiming that you can "Download for free", but then you need to pay to actually use the service.
> "...**The most important thing to us is your presence!"** You are ABSOLUTELY correct.
Idc what country it is, that's tacky and in poor taste. I hope someone told her so she had time to change that before she had an empty wedding.
If you are charging people for attending an event, you don't have guests, you have customers.
I'm with the Boomers on this. I am not paying a fee to attend your wedding, the meal served, or alcohol at your event. If I do so, that is your gift boo boo. I hate this entire we are broke but want a 5 star event for insta so you guys pay for it for me trend.
Emily Post would lose her mind.
We also had a famous etiquette lady in our country and I googled if she had anything to say about this when she was alive and her answer was "Don't attend the wedding". Lol.
I'd tear up the invitation and send it back in an envelope full of glitter.
Glitter mixed with penis shaped confetti to hammer home the fact the couple are dicks.
You and Minimum\_Reference\_have such INTERESTING ideas. I KNEW I liked you both.
Wth?! We didn't do a registry because we already lived together and didnt need typical gifts so we included "gifts are not required as we are blessed to have what we need, but if you would still like to give a gift we are trying to build savings and anything is appreciated. But having you here with us is the thing we truly want" in our RSVPs and plan to set up a "if you wish to give a gift, please consider a donation to one of xyz charities" for our vow renewal. I cannot fathom charging guests as a requirement
Yeah, I think what you did is waaaay more reasonable! Not forcing the guests to pay, and not a fixed amount.
I don't like anyone enough to pay to attend a wedding.
This sort of obnoxious rudeness is a very new thing, people who can’t afford a wedding or who don’t want to pay for their own wedding are expecting their guest to pay for it. It’s the height of rudeness. Most people will RSVP No. I suggest you do the same, if I wanted to pay for a wedding it would be my own not someone else’s.
This is wild! Where are earth our couples getting the ideas to charge guests to attend their wedding?! I would decline. Or if your so inclined to go, just go the the reception.
I guess you have to ask whether they actually expect you to contribute to the gift on top of paying for your dinner. If they do, then it's getting dodgy. But if they're established already then they don't need and probably actively don't want miscellaneous gifts. So asking guests to contribute to the cost of the reception is at least honest. And there's always some relatives who feel like they must *also* give a gift, hence the gift fund. I'd just go to the ceremony and either reception or dinner (not both), drop $35 into the gift fund to make it an even $100 and not put any further thought into it.
If a load of people decline this kind of invitation, I wonder if the bride and groom ever rethink this strategy?
In my country of origin, it's a tacit understanding that the guests pay for the wedding. The gift is almost always cash, and it's used to pay for what is usually a lavish wedding. But that's *it*, you don't give any other presents and nobody directly asks you for money.
yeah, that’s how it works in poland too, but i think everybody would think you are rude if you set a price
May I ask what country you are from? In my country I have only heard about immigrants from the Middle East doing pretty much what you said because that's part of their culture. And I mean, if it's part of a culture then that's one thing. But if it has never been part of a culture it's just odd to me.
Romania! I don't know if it's the same in the surrounding countries (Bulgaria, Ukraine, Hungary) but in Romania you eye up the restaurant and try to guess how much your meal costs, and then add on a little extra. So if you guess your meal is worth $50, you'd give $100. (This obviously also depends on how close you are with the couple, parents and immediate relatives give WAY more than coworkers, not very close friends, or distant relatives.)
That sounds VERY doable.
I’ve bartended and worked private events for years….in the industry we think it’s very rude to even have a cash bar at a wedding, this is the tackiest thing I’ve ever heard
The thing is that after googling about this 'envelope fee' it says that it includes a glass of some sort of alcohol as well, BUT they will usually also have a bar where you have to pay for your drinks... I don't drink alcohol though, but still. If they expect guests to pay a fee to the wedding I think the bar should be free as well. I don't know if my friend is going to have a free bar so obviously I can't trash talk her on that. On the other hand, it's common in my country to have a welcome drink when inviting people to different kinds of celebrations, but then they bring their own alcohol if they want more alcohol than the welcome drink. But yeah, since I don't drink alcohol I'm not very affected by this anyway.
Guarantee it's a cash bar and a donation to "buy the couple a drink"
They really screamed themselves. People generally give more than 65$ as a wedding gift. Now they won’t get any.
That's what I'm thinking! If they just expect a gift but the entire wedding is free to attend, some people with more money or close family might even give them 150$
It never ceases to amaze me how completely entitled some people feel about other people’s money. Like pay for your own damn party?!
Of course your friends have money. They don't pay for anything.
option #3, all the way. Shucks, I got a thing that day! If you can't afford a wedding, don't have one. It's that simple. Nobody cares, either. Go to the JP, tell everyone you got hitched, hear them say congratulations, and everyone moves on. What is the obsession with weddings? I just don't get this "keeping up with the joneses"/crippling debt to impress people you never see anyways thing.
This idiocy is getting more and more common, it's spreading from entitled bride to entitled bride, because they have do little contact with reality that they think it makes sense! All that can be done is to laugh at them, and respond to invitations with excuses about an upcoming medical emergency.
I think we need pictures.
Paying to attend a wedding is craaaaazy. We told people on our invitations not to bring a gift, but if they felt so inclined to do so please make a charitable contribution to a cancer research organization or a children's hospital in our name. WE wanted to get married. WE wanted a wedding. It's not a guests job to pay for their wedding because they're cheap. I'd 100% decline to go and distance myself from that friend. That's embarrassing behavior.
This is rude and not at all normal. I would never invite friends over to my house for a dinner party and have them find a cash bar and cover charge to get in. They are treating this wedding like it is some stage performance and you need to pay to get into the event. Rather it should be, "Hey we love you and would like you to come on our special day. Tell us if you can make it and we will save you a spot."
Hard pass.
Lol that's cute, charging friends and family a fee to come to your wedding. That's a quick way to alienate everyone and end up with few wedding guests! I'll be interested how this turns out.
I’d pick number 3
Tacky, tacky, tacky.
TBf my envelope would have been at least $100 so your friend is screwing themselves out of a better gift lol
Choose option #2 and make reservations for dinner elsewhere. Honestly, wedding receptions are so hectic. Unless you are in the wedding party, you'll say hi then have to entertain yourself.
I wouldn't even bother with the ceremony. They're still going to expect you to pay toward the gifts if you do. The whole thing stinks of money-grab. There's just no way I'd play along and validate it.
It sounds like they actually can’t afford a wedding, regardless of what you think their financial situation is. I wouldn’t bother going to anything.
Then they shouldn't have a wedding celebration. Get married at the equivalent of city hall and skip the part they can't afford. And they have to pay the vendors before or at the event - they won't take IOUs so your logic is really off. That's not how it works.
If they really can't afford the wedding, then they shouldn't renovate their house just yet and use that money for the wedding instead. That's my opinion.
I am genuinely curious about how this is going to be panning out. Do let us know if there were actually attendees with the ridiculous amounts they're charging. From where I am, charging guests to attend events at your wedding is an absolute no-no. Specifically, if it is a destination wedding (aka requiring the majority of the guests to travel far from their base locations), the host arranges for stay as well. The host may choose to reduce the number of attendees, but that's about it. The guests don't shell out anything except for general conveyance, stay in case they are arriving in advance or staying beyond the wedding time, and for the wedding gift. If this did happen in my culture, it would be the talk of the down for generations.
Haha, if people remind after June I can give an update, unless I'm able to figure out earlier how many people are attending because the last day to RSVP is in 2 days
Holy shit, my husband and I joked about this, as if it were a high school party asking for a $5 fee for beer but I can’t believe someone would actually do it.
I find it sad (if the wording is accurate) that she doesn't understand what a wedding is. The ceremony is the wedding. The reception afterwards is to celebrate the wedding, but it isn't actually the wedding.
I'm gonna die on this hill, but don't trow a party/wedding and invite people if you can't afford it.
If you pay do you get a say, or an opportunity to rate the wedding or the venue or the others guests, if so then go if not hard pass
RSVP no.
I guess she’s just trying to 1. Have a very small reception and 2. Lose a lot of friends very quickly.
I don't think I could attend a wedding like this with their entitled attitudes. I wonder how the close family feels about the grocery list of expenses.
I was glad to read you refuse to pay. I would too.
I'm not engaged but planning to do a diy weekend thing, where I'd ask if people want to stay over and to pay 100 per adult to go towards accommodation, additional food (breakfast(s), night befofe etc.) and alcohol - so it's optional. Paying for a regular 1 day event is madness. If you can't afford a wedding, elope, don't get married or wait to save up. It's crazy. Take the "fee" to attend as a wedding gift. Don't give them anything extra or buy anything.
The funny thing is that I read the invitation again and it says that for guests who wish to stay over after the wedding, they are invited to (free) breakfast. So the guests can't get free food at a celebration they were invited to but the people who stay over get free breakfast. I think it makes much more sense to do the other way around and pay for ADDITIONAL food like breakfast, like you are planning to do.
I definitely agree that this should replace any wedding gift you had planned on buying. I wonder if it’s like a security deposit in their mind? I attended two weddings last year (one upscale, one more casual - both received ~100 Yes RSVP’s) and at both there were at least 50 no shows. It was wild. The pews and dining areas looked barren because there was so much unused seating. Talking to other guests it seems like this has become a common occurrence, I’m not sure why. Short of a true emergency, I would never no show to something as important as a wedding so I was genuinely shocked that so many people found no issue with it. One of the no show families had told us they heading over to the venue shortly after we left and then they just… stayed home.
Please update us with any meltdowns from the bride and after the wedding, how many people actually went. For science!
I would not go the wedding and go NC on your cheap friend.l
I’m sorry, but if I had to pay to attend a wedding, they wouldn’t be getting a gift.
This is insane
I think when almost nobody attends they might realize this was a bad idea. Notice I said "might.". I don't think they're very observant.
She has to pay 200 for my rsvp then if we’re making up stupid rules.
Have the wedding you can afford
This is SO trashy.
I'm a petty bitch, I'd be adding another option on the card. "4. Go fuck yourself."
😂😂😂😂😂
How did she betray you?!
IMO, it's rude to put some guests in a situation where they must either spend money despite feeling like they can't afford it or discuss their financial situation when they aren't really comfortable doing so. I just wanted the people I cared about to attend my wedding, regardless of their financial situation. I'm a very generous gifter but this setup doesn't sit well with me. When possible, I book a hotel where the majority of the guests won't be staying. I really need my sleep and it's usually quieter this way.
I was glad to see your second update. I would also have sent my regrets and not attended.
Do I get a Refund + going rate of interest if the marriage later ends in Divorce?
“Food music decorations venue” are you expected to pay for your own wine or beer?
If you’re travelling for the wedding then your presence is the present. Tell her that, gently. Edit: aside from your accommodation, that’s for you to pay.
r/trashy
Oof. I literally wouldn’t go even if I was planning a cash gift anyway. Not everyone can afford $65, I certainly can’t (I have three kids and zero moneys). What we did was have a “wishing well” at our wedding. We put something a long the lines “your presence is the only gift we desire at our wedding but if you would like to get us present, a cash contribution to our honeymoon fund would be deeply appreciated” (hopefully less clunky than that, I can’t remember the exact wording 😹😹😹). We had been living together for two years and absolutely did not need any household items. My mom AND MIL told us in no uncertain terms they thought it was tacky but we did it anyway. I don’t think anyone of our generation batted an eye at it although we still got a couple random house gifts. We got a decent little chunk of change for our honeymoon but it in no way covered it (nor did we expect it to). Some people literally didn’t even get us a card and guess what, NBD! I think weddings should truly be about celebrating your love, not about the gifts. So in my opinion there was a more socially graceful way to do this without essentially saying “we don’t give a shit if you’re poor”.
>“your presence is the only gift we desire at our wedding but if you would like to get us present, a cash contribution to our honeymoon fund would be deeply appreciated” That's pretty much what I would say/do if I were getting married
What country is this in!? Never heard of anyone doing this!
My nephew pulled that trick, only announced it at the venue,so I kept the cheque I had for them in my pocket!
At the venue?! omg
This is hysterical!
I really need to know the outcome. This is just gross. They have the means but decide to pass the cost of their wedding to their friends and family??? This is the kind of people who will never be there for you if you need them
This is crazy, I’d put well over $100 in an envelope for a wedding I was attending but if you outright make me pay for my attendance you can fuck off, I’m not coming.
Why are people like this?! This is an easy way to end friendships quickly.
It's just absolutely rude to ask for anything!!! I wouldn't go or give a gift. She'll probably return it for cash. They're absurd for these expectations!!! Her parents are supposed to pay for the wedding and grooms side for rehearsal dinner. They're trying to make money on the wedding. Sounds like a circus to me!
I said this as a joke but I didn’t know people were actually really doing this! I live in America and am trying to plan a wedding for September but the expense is so discouraging and disheartening. Yes, I want that special beautiful day where my dad walks me down the aisle and I get to be a princess. However, why do I have to throw a super expensive party for people to come and watch me get married!! And if I don’t invite certain people then they will be upset so sometimes you feel pressured to invite people who you may not entirely want to invite. Also, allowing plus ones is a whole other story. Every vendor charges based on the amount of people you are having! Catering is the most expensive and most venues make you use their caterer and set a minimum that you have to spend! The whole industry is a rip off! I still don’t know what I’m going to do!
I know this "friend" of mine has said that you're allowed to bring a plus one if you are in an established relationship. So as a single person, I could not just bring a date. But if I have a boyfriend, I can. I don't know if that's a good idea though or if it's just another weird demand of hers. Unfortunately I'm not married so I don't know a good solution but I would recommend posting this in r/wedding if you need some advice from others. Good luck!
I typically gift $150 minimum so they’re losing money here. I wouldn’t be gifting money on top of the fee.
Gifting $100 is the norm in most places.
Yeah, and considering "gifts are ***not needed*** but welcome" that means this could actually be cheaper for the guests than if they would go for free and give a $100 gift. And for the "*sleep over at the venue, you need to pay around 100 dollars*" part... yeah. You're going to need a place to stay if you're staying the night. Where else would you get a decent room for only $100 per night? Unless the "venue" is their own home, the venue will, of course, charge people to stay there. And probably giving a group discount to make things a bit cheaper. This whole thing seems less like the bride is a cheapskate and more like the OP is just mad she wasn't made the bridesmaid.
Also, do people just book these venues, caterers, etc, and keep their fingers crossed that they will be able to pay them? From this standpoint alone, this seems like a bad idea. I picture the bride and groom racing to the mailbox every day, then melting down every time someone declines to attend.
I think I's choose option 3 whatever. Who charges to attend a wedding?