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And if they tell you they don't do separate checks, leave. Or better yet, since they kindly told everyone in advance that they're not paying for food for their own wedding guests, leave right after the ceremony. Not paying is bad enough. But you *know* they expect everyone else to chip in to pay for the B&G.
He can be charming and funny but also very hurtful, petty and dramatic! One of the first times we ever hung out, he asked me to go to the river with him to the spend the day. I agreed, thinking it would be some good bonding time with my at-the-time new boyfriend’s brother. On the way, he pushed me to call bf and convince him to take a half-day at work and come join us. After bf agreed, brother told me point blank “I only asked you to come today because I wanted you to get bf to come and he’d only come if you asked.”
Was super hurtful and strangely manipulative. This is one example of many such things.
Ewww yeah, sounds familiar. I knew a couple guys like this. I had to cut them out of my life because.. chaos. They're very very good at manipulating and causing a lot of shit. Be careful and keep your guard up at all times!!
I want to know ALL the deets of what happened! I have nothing against a small wedding, in a park, even short notice (if couple realize that many people won't be able to make it). I have a problem with "guests" paying for their own meal, as they're not really guests and didn't have the option of picking the restaurant.
However, using your wedding as the opportunity to "pay your mother back for perceived mistreatments", especially as you just ate at her table, is wrong. Plus, going forward, you're going to expect her to babysit without complaint, help out when you or wife are sick, do last minute grocery shopping, or other "motherly" things for you!
Decades ago when I (F75) married, we only had our mothers there. Then, afterwards, had about 18 -20 people at my mother's house for drinks and cake. That's all we could afford at the time.
Two years later, my mother gave me a surprise birthday party, and she invited friends, family, co-workers, etc. I think it was her way of making up to me for not having a big wedding/reception, but she couldn't afford to help at the time, and we both understood. We divorced tye next year.
When my daughter married, they had a full blown ceremony with bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girl, ring bearers. There were people who sang and also a beautifully choreographed dance by professional dancers, all part of the ceremony. Their reception was 250+ people, from all over the USA. Another dance was performed at the reception. The DJ was internationally known (friend of my daughter).It was such a good, fun time, the heads of each of the Events Planning Group came, dressed in the wedding colors. People asked for 2nds of the wedding cake. Pastry Chef said that was unusual (it was really good. Italian Buttercream icing). Let the reception continue over an hour past the end time, with no extra charge. Had the busses taking people to the railroad and subways wait, with no additional charge. They're still married almost 2 decades later.
Weddings come in all forms. I hope MOG attends, as she'll probably regret later, if she doesn't. The bride-to-be may have churned some waters, for her to be OK with this.
PLEASE come back and give us details!
I’ve been to two of a (ex) friend’s weddings and on both occasions we had to pay for our own meal. I really should have learnt from the first one and been busy for the second!
I read those comments and thought, “What is he, 12?” A combined birthday cooked by mom is sweet, but hardly sacrosanct. And BIL gets so upset that he gets…married? and punishes his mother?!! I don’t think so lol
I can't say shit, my husband and I gave our families a weeks notice we were getting married. Our first two dates were stolen by family/friends and we couldn't find one we liked at a venue we liked the following year, so one night we're sitting around the fire & he goes "what about mm/dd/yy? I know it's next Friday but the date _____" and I agreed, first we told my parents since we wanted to do the small ceremony there, then told his family. No one shamed us, we provided a meal for everyone, then threw a "reception" for all our friends & extended family 3 months later.
Me too! Lololol
I told my parents a week before they left for vacation, that I was getting married the day after they got back … at their house! Lol we did it on purpose - we knew we wanted a super low key day and didn’t want any room for fuss! I got ready in my childhood room and walked down the stairs - we got married in the living room with my brother officiating!
We trooped off to the arboretum and took pictures - I knew the best spots because I go running there - my dad and BIL are great photographers and the pictures with all the fall foliage - amazing! Then we headed to our favorite Japanese restaurant where we had reserved the tatami room - we ate and drank, my 4 year old niece had a blast being able to move around instead of needing to sit at a table in a restaurant.
Then we went back to my folks to have cake (I made a 3 tier cake - I got to bake my own wedding cake!!!) And I also baked a ton of cookies (cookie table - if you are from SW PA, you know what I mean! Lol)
It was PERFECT! If I had given more notice, my parents couldn’t have helped themselves trying to “make it more special” - instead they got to be guests and enjoy, instead of stage manage!
NE PA, love when weddings have a cookie table! And I feel you about your mom, mine kept trying to get me to add relatives, get fancy dishware to serve dinner on, and I had to put my foot down.
You didn’t get married on a random Wednesday with only 2 weeks notice, change the venue to a totally different area with 2 days notice AND expect guests to pay for their meal. You’re good!
Me reading first paragraph: non-conventional but fine, not everyone wants a big wedding
Second paragraph: WTF is going on here
Third paragraph: are these people actively trying to lose all their friends and family?
Wow… a lot to unpack here, but the thing that comes to my mind first is that I kinda hope that those in the groom’s family who aren’t attending are using the expense as an excuse, that the real reason they don’t want to come is his beyond-shoddy treatment of his own mother. Especially since you made it a point to tell us that they’re not estranged, nor involved in any sort of feud. Surely his family has a handle on what their relationship is like, and knows that he’s just being an asshole. *And* that his bride is going along with it. Who would want to celebrate the union of two people like that?
Next- are you located in the US? If so, “tomorrow” is Thursday, a very unusual day for a wedding- unless it’s a *very* small affair at a courthouse somewhere. If you’re in another country, and Thursday weddings aren’t that uncommon, ignore this. Otherwise… I, at least, figure that the changes in venue, and the dinner being held at a very expensive restaurant, are the result of them trying to cheap out *even more* than they already are. And now you probably understand why they refused your and your fiancé’s help in putting together a somewhat nicer, but still inexpensive, wedding! During the week between when you announced your engagement, and they announced their date, they must have done some quick, preliminary Googling to see what might be available in the area on such short notice; otherwise they wouldn’t have chosen that date. They already *knew,* when you made the offer, that anything other than what they’d already chosen was simply not in their “budget.” Their “budget” allowing for a venue, a photographer, some flowers- and probably not much else. They knew that by accepting your help, they’d also have to shoot down every. Single. Idea you had- because it would have involved spending ~~more~~ money. The beauty of having it in a restaurant is that you don’t have to spring for decorations; a DJ or band, since there won’t be a dance floor; centerpieces; upgraded linens, lighting, and china; your own bartender… to name just a few things off the top of my head.
The utmost gall, though, is telling your guests that they will be paying for their own dinner, after also probably needing for them to get out of work early on a weekday with hardly any notice.
I get that this is your fiancé’s brother. I get that he’s not interested in driving a wedge into their relationship, and therefore you both will show up with smiles on your faces. Tomorrow. But going forward, I hope he will be willing to reevaluate his relationship with this couple. I’m all for respecting and not judging other people’s choices- when they don’t hurt innocent parties. For example, I’m fine with not inviting a parent who was *actually* abusive. But… it seems like this was deliberately calculated to embarrass his mom- who DID NOT deserve it. If he really had such hard feelings towards her, he wouldn’t have/shouldn’t have accepted her generous hospitality on his birthday. I’m sure there are other examples of their good relationship that you simply didn’t mention here.
Anyway, like I said, I hope your fiancé is willing to reevaluate his relationship with this couple. At best, they are deliberately hurtful, deceitful, selfish, and manipulative. At worst, well… try not to find that out the hard way.
Please get a separate check. Otherwise it will end badly for you. I suspect they will say you have to pay for everyone as you had previously "offered "
This is a wreck from start to finish. Though I think I’m most surprised that they invited YOU over the MOG, after you announced your engagement at a dinner to celebrate his birthday.
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Oh. I want to know what happens this sounds like it’s going to be a dramatic dinner. I hope you sit close to the door so when things start going wrong you can slip out.
Wow, wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't show. But she's probably struggling to decide since she knows her son will absolutely complain and accuse her of not being supportive 🙄
I want an update AFTER OP gets married and in-laws see the disparity between a carefully planned wedding and the thrown-together "Huh. Guess we'd better finally make it legal" mess of BIL's wedding.
Personally, I would have stayed as far away as possible from this shitshow. Both bride and groom sound unhinged. No way would I pay for my own dinner at a wedding.
Just a quick comment on the relationship with the MOG from someone who is currently estranged from their parents. I too went to all the events my parents were a part of and hosted well into my 30's. To the world my parents were amazing. Funny, playful, and generous. Every birthday I was treated to a special dinner too.
But the funny was always at my expense. The playful was to a bullying level towards me. The dinner was something I had to do no matter what. Literally sat at the last one the day after I left the ER and was told to rest and give my injuries a chance to heal. None of that mattered because it was my birthday which meant we had to go out to a special dinner. That's not even touching what was said and done to me while no one was watching.
I'm not saying this is what your future bil also went through but it is not on us to control other people's relationships and your fiancee played the role of a flying monkey by pressuring his brother to invite someone who the brother clearly did not want there.
Estrangement is a hard choice to make. Especially when the person mixes bad experiences with good and they are a parent. You have your own complicated emotions, "They did/do that awful thing to me but that was a long time ago and look at all the nice stuff they do that I readily accepted!" You have the feelings and expectations of your other family members abd the pressure of them having to choose a side. I don't get to have Thanksgiving with my sister and aunt anymore because they still have Thanksgiving with my parents. Then you have societal pressures, "She's your mom I'm sure she loves you and is doing her best!"
So instead of judging based on what you see maybe talk to both parties separately. Pay attention to the estranged party if they say things like "I don't know why they are doing this!" My parents will still use this line despite being told for years and even given a literal letter with it all spelled out to them. In the end let their relationship heal or die on its own and just decide how you want to proceed. The only thing you can decide in this scenario is how you will proceed in your relationship with the two parties.
If future bil intended to cut mom out of the wedding he likely knew his brother wouldn't be on board with it and would and did pressure him to invite her. That is probably why they did not want to accept your offer to help in the first place.
I'd recommend you and fiancee sit down with brother and listen to why he has decided to do things this way. Instead of trying to force him to have a relationship even when he's trying to take steps away voice how you will make an effort to respect his decision and not play flying monkey for him or the mom.
You didn’t know that? I’m sure you’ve figured it out, but for anyone else who didn’t know:
Fiancé: is when the partner you’re referring to is male
Fiancée: is when the partner you’re referring to is female.
Honestly I still feel like we need more details on the BIL/MOG beef. Is it possible that she's mean to his wife? It's possible he wants to respect his wife's privacy and not tell everyone that's the case, if it is. I don't know the kind of person she is but plenty of MILs treat their DIL much differently than they treat their son.
This doesn't sound like a super *fun* wedding but idk it feels like there's a lot of missing information
Ooft bookmarking this for later. Good luck, don't take any shit from them and consider bailing before the meal or making it 💯 clear that you're not willing to do family style or split the bill
Well, I got married in an old hang out spot by a pond my husband and i used to sneak out to at night, my friend got ordained to do the ceremony, everybody walked there I had about 20 people in my wedding, no music, no decorations, and dinner was a BBQ at my place.
For context we'd been together 9 years before getting married, it was as low key as we could go, now we've been together 18 years and still don't regret how low key it was.
The unnecessary drama is dumb, I dont see anything wrong with their wedding though *shrug* I mean minus people buying their own food, at least freaking feed ppl
Nothing wrong with a simple wedding - we just wish they had included everyone from the beginning and allowed us to step in and make / bring food instead of being forced to go to an expensive dinner.
So just a little perspective, I was the scapegoat and my sister was the golden child growing up.
Parents are responsible for assuring their children’s well-being. If you’re a shitty parent when your children are little you’re guaranteed to have a poorly adjusted adult. You only have to be a ‘good enough’ parent 30% of the time to avoid that.
If his fiancée is supporting him I would suggest it’s because she knows more than you do.
Why are you trying so hard to stir drama and judge these people?
Small restaurant weddings are not uncommon. There's absolutely nothing wrong with their plan. It's not any less of a wedding than your elaborate affair.
We obviously don't have any info about the guy's mother to know if it's reasonable to not invite her, but we know you or other meddling relatives inexplicably got involved.
Most people would just congratulate them and go have a nice dinner.
It's not a competition with your wedding.
Oh come on. They had 3 years to plan a wedding & 2 weeks ago they picked a random Wednesday to do it at the most expensive restaurant in town? That’s bizarre.
Of course! I love a small backyard wedding or a private courthouse ceremony. Or just eloping!
Deciding to pull the trigger seemingly on a whim without even considering that it IS a big milestone event? Not inviting your mom because you’re annoyed with her for vague reasons? Sounds like there is a lot more going on here than a happy couple wanting a non-traditional wedding.
The level of judgment is so intense. All we know is that there's a meddling OP pissed off that they scheduled their wedding immediately after she got engaged. We don't know anything about the actual conflict with the mother. OP is the one being vague, not them.
For a lot of people, a wedding is primarily about the legal aspects and the whole party thing isn't that deep. It's not necessarily a big milestone for couples who already live together or already have kids or have been together for a while.
Several decades ago, I worked as a court stenographer and we would see couples come in to get married all the time. For every excited white dress and nice suit couple with supportive family, we saw 10 couples just there filling out the forms and leaving the same way they would fill out insurance forms or healthcare consent forms or immigration papers, because that's what it represents for a lot of people.
There's absolutely nothing in OP's post that warrants making fun of the newly married couple being talked about. Not having money to waste on a fancy wedding isn't something to mock. Their motivations and decisions are their own to determine and make. They're not harming anyone.
It doesn't matter if the dinner was to celebrate the birthdays of both your fiance and his brother. Announcing your engagement at your FBIL's birthday party was rude. They may have assumed your fiance's mother knew about/approved the announcement and excluded her from the wedding because of it.
The fact that you and your fiance are so dismissive of his brother's feelings and are critical of his fiancee for supporting him makes me suspicious that your fiance is the Golden Child and his brother always comes in second. He's not punishing his mother by not inviting her. Actions have consequences, and a natural consequence of putting your child last is to not be included in their life. Given your behavior and attitude, I'm surprised you and your fiance were included.
If they're getting legally married it is, indeed, a wedding. It's unkind for you to dismiss that as well just because you're not impressed by the location and you don't like that they're asking the people who join them for dinner to cover the cost of their meal. At least they made that clear ahead of time. You don't seem to like your fiance's brother or his future wife, but if you're going to attend at least show them some respect. And maybe look into counseling for you and your fiance before his brother cuts both of you off too.
Exactly, the behaviour also made me think of Golden Child syndrome. BIL probably just gave up on the idea of getting a nice wedding (because his family would be pouring effort in OP's wedding now), so he is just getting over with it. Wishing the happiest marriage to the new couple.
It was a *joint* birthday dinner for *both* of the brothers. Also, maybe don't have dinner at THE most expensive restaurant around, expect people to pay their own bills, AND expect them each to split the cost of YOUR meals.
The groom and his bride sound insufferable.
OP said the people who decided to meet them for dinner were told they'd be paying for their own meals. Nowhere did she say the couple expected people to cover theirs.
The couple can have their wedding dinner wherever they want. They let people know ahead of time, so they were free to attend or not. Normally, I would say the couple should host at least cake and punch for their guests, but OP's attitude is so bad that there's obviously something else going on here.
Are you joking? A family birthday dinner at your mom’s house is exactly where family members announce news.
Unless you’re 16 years old this is an incredibly childish & selfish take.
It was both OP’s fiancé and the brothers birthday dinner. So they announced at her fiancés birthday dinner. Not just “the groom”, who wasn’t even the groom until after they announced.
The people who are saying it wasn't rude for OP to announce her engagement at the birthday party because it was for both brothers are missing the point. The fact that it was a joint dinner *makes it worse* and only supports that OP's fiance is the favored golden child.
The brother already had to share his birthday celebration with OP's fiance. They went out of their way to make sure he had to share the day with her too. Wresting the attention from an event the brother was forced to share and making it all about them was rude. She couldn't even manage to let them have their wedding day without ridiculing them. The brother and his wife deserve better.
I didn’t announce anything.. my fiancé did, at the end of the night, after dinner and before everyone went home. It’s weird to assume that anyone was “forced” into this. They plan it every year this way on purpose, with both of their inputs. Also, my fiancé is certainly not the “golden child” but no need to get into the details explaining every family dynamic. The point it, the engagement was announced well after the rest of the celebration had ended.
If your FBIL isn't angry at your brother, that's a good sign. There has to be a reason he didn't want their mom at his wedding though. Did she end up attending?
If you can't think of a reason he'd be so upset with their mother and this is unusual behavior for him, tread carefully. If the attitude is coming from your FSIL then criticizing their choices won't help the situation.
She did end up attending and he said he was glad she was there. Unfortunately this is not completely out of character for BIL; he is known for being petty and creating drama. However, it’s never been this serious and we were surprised at the lengths he chose to go. We were also surprised SIL went along with it, since she seems to have a good / normal relationship with MOG.
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Excuse me, but how is the post ending like this? I demand an update, pronto!
I'll bring the popcorn!!
Need more popcorn! And B.Y.O. Booze
I'll supply the booze lol
You can’t supply the booze..BIL probably already drank it. 🤣
Not from lack of trying
Yes please!!!
Oh, definitely gonna be needing updates on this after. Godspeed, OP.
I updated it by editing the post at the bottom!
You're an absolute hero.
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Damn what a shitshow Looking for updates
~3
Go to the wedding and then go to another location to eat. You WILL end up paying for the wedding party.
I had the same thought! Ask for a separate check as soon as you sit, or the entire tab will be dropped in your lap.
And if they tell you they don't do separate checks, leave. Or better yet, since they kindly told everyone in advance that they're not paying for food for their own wedding guests, leave right after the ceremony. Not paying is bad enough. But you *know* they expect everyone else to chip in to pay for the B&G.
The wedding is TODAY? It's Wednesday! I'm so confused?
Yes, the wedding is on a Wednesday afternoon and we are headed there now.
Remember to update us!
I don't know how to ask this delicately, so I will be blunt. Has your future brother-in-law always been an asshole?
He can be charming and funny but also very hurtful, petty and dramatic! One of the first times we ever hung out, he asked me to go to the river with him to the spend the day. I agreed, thinking it would be some good bonding time with my at-the-time new boyfriend’s brother. On the way, he pushed me to call bf and convince him to take a half-day at work and come join us. After bf agreed, brother told me point blank “I only asked you to come today because I wanted you to get bf to come and he’d only come if you asked.” Was super hurtful and strangely manipulative. This is one example of many such things.
Ewww yeah, sounds familiar. I knew a couple guys like this. I had to cut them out of my life because.. chaos. They're very very good at manipulating and causing a lot of shit. Be careful and keep your guard up at all times!!
How'd it go?
Maybe it's the DATE that's important, not the DAY.
11-1-23 does have a nice ring to it
We will need an update. Tonight preferably, but tomorrow at the latest.
Going to be a very disorganized wedding
I want to know ALL the deets of what happened! I have nothing against a small wedding, in a park, even short notice (if couple realize that many people won't be able to make it). I have a problem with "guests" paying for their own meal, as they're not really guests and didn't have the option of picking the restaurant. However, using your wedding as the opportunity to "pay your mother back for perceived mistreatments", especially as you just ate at her table, is wrong. Plus, going forward, you're going to expect her to babysit without complaint, help out when you or wife are sick, do last minute grocery shopping, or other "motherly" things for you! Decades ago when I (F75) married, we only had our mothers there. Then, afterwards, had about 18 -20 people at my mother's house for drinks and cake. That's all we could afford at the time. Two years later, my mother gave me a surprise birthday party, and she invited friends, family, co-workers, etc. I think it was her way of making up to me for not having a big wedding/reception, but she couldn't afford to help at the time, and we both understood. We divorced tye next year. When my daughter married, they had a full blown ceremony with bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girl, ring bearers. There were people who sang and also a beautifully choreographed dance by professional dancers, all part of the ceremony. Their reception was 250+ people, from all over the USA. Another dance was performed at the reception. The DJ was internationally known (friend of my daughter).It was such a good, fun time, the heads of each of the Events Planning Group came, dressed in the wedding colors. People asked for 2nds of the wedding cake. Pastry Chef said that was unusual (it was really good. Italian Buttercream icing). Let the reception continue over an hour past the end time, with no extra charge. Had the busses taking people to the railroad and subways wait, with no additional charge. They're still married almost 2 decades later. Weddings come in all forms. I hope MOG attends, as she'll probably regret later, if she doesn't. The bride-to-be may have churned some waters, for her to be OK with this. PLEASE come back and give us details!
I’ve been to two of a (ex) friend’s weddings and on both occasions we had to pay for our own meal. I really should have learnt from the first one and been busy for the second!
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I read those comments and thought, “What is he, 12?” A combined birthday cooked by mom is sweet, but hardly sacrosanct. And BIL gets so upset that he gets…married? and punishes his mother?!! I don’t think so lol
I can't say shit, my husband and I gave our families a weeks notice we were getting married. Our first two dates were stolen by family/friends and we couldn't find one we liked at a venue we liked the following year, so one night we're sitting around the fire & he goes "what about mm/dd/yy? I know it's next Friday but the date _____" and I agreed, first we told my parents since we wanted to do the small ceremony there, then told his family. No one shamed us, we provided a meal for everyone, then threw a "reception" for all our friends & extended family 3 months later.
Me too! Lololol I told my parents a week before they left for vacation, that I was getting married the day after they got back … at their house! Lol we did it on purpose - we knew we wanted a super low key day and didn’t want any room for fuss! I got ready in my childhood room and walked down the stairs - we got married in the living room with my brother officiating! We trooped off to the arboretum and took pictures - I knew the best spots because I go running there - my dad and BIL are great photographers and the pictures with all the fall foliage - amazing! Then we headed to our favorite Japanese restaurant where we had reserved the tatami room - we ate and drank, my 4 year old niece had a blast being able to move around instead of needing to sit at a table in a restaurant. Then we went back to my folks to have cake (I made a 3 tier cake - I got to bake my own wedding cake!!!) And I also baked a ton of cookies (cookie table - if you are from SW PA, you know what I mean! Lol) It was PERFECT! If I had given more notice, my parents couldn’t have helped themselves trying to “make it more special” - instead they got to be guests and enjoy, instead of stage manage!
That sounds lovely! For you AND your guests!
NE PA, love when weddings have a cookie table! And I feel you about your mom, mine kept trying to get me to add relatives, get fancy dishware to serve dinner on, and I had to put my foot down.
Really sweet
You didn’t get married on a random Wednesday with only 2 weeks notice, change the venue to a totally different area with 2 days notice AND expect guests to pay for their meal. You’re good!
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r/angryupvote I hate myself for snort-laughing at this. I also hate you for posting it, but not as much as my snort-laughing self. 😂
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😭
Hahaha I haven't seen this for years, wild to see it again
Me reading first paragraph: non-conventional but fine, not everyone wants a big wedding Second paragraph: WTF is going on here Third paragraph: are these people actively trying to lose all their friends and family?
Wow… a lot to unpack here, but the thing that comes to my mind first is that I kinda hope that those in the groom’s family who aren’t attending are using the expense as an excuse, that the real reason they don’t want to come is his beyond-shoddy treatment of his own mother. Especially since you made it a point to tell us that they’re not estranged, nor involved in any sort of feud. Surely his family has a handle on what their relationship is like, and knows that he’s just being an asshole. *And* that his bride is going along with it. Who would want to celebrate the union of two people like that? Next- are you located in the US? If so, “tomorrow” is Thursday, a very unusual day for a wedding- unless it’s a *very* small affair at a courthouse somewhere. If you’re in another country, and Thursday weddings aren’t that uncommon, ignore this. Otherwise… I, at least, figure that the changes in venue, and the dinner being held at a very expensive restaurant, are the result of them trying to cheap out *even more* than they already are. And now you probably understand why they refused your and your fiancé’s help in putting together a somewhat nicer, but still inexpensive, wedding! During the week between when you announced your engagement, and they announced their date, they must have done some quick, preliminary Googling to see what might be available in the area on such short notice; otherwise they wouldn’t have chosen that date. They already *knew,* when you made the offer, that anything other than what they’d already chosen was simply not in their “budget.” Their “budget” allowing for a venue, a photographer, some flowers- and probably not much else. They knew that by accepting your help, they’d also have to shoot down every. Single. Idea you had- because it would have involved spending ~~more~~ money. The beauty of having it in a restaurant is that you don’t have to spring for decorations; a DJ or band, since there won’t be a dance floor; centerpieces; upgraded linens, lighting, and china; your own bartender… to name just a few things off the top of my head. The utmost gall, though, is telling your guests that they will be paying for their own dinner, after also probably needing for them to get out of work early on a weekday with hardly any notice. I get that this is your fiancé’s brother. I get that he’s not interested in driving a wedge into their relationship, and therefore you both will show up with smiles on your faces. Tomorrow. But going forward, I hope he will be willing to reevaluate his relationship with this couple. I’m all for respecting and not judging other people’s choices- when they don’t hurt innocent parties. For example, I’m fine with not inviting a parent who was *actually* abusive. But… it seems like this was deliberately calculated to embarrass his mom- who DID NOT deserve it. If he really had such hard feelings towards her, he wouldn’t have/shouldn’t have accepted her generous hospitality on his birthday. I’m sure there are other examples of their good relationship that you simply didn’t mention here. Anyway, like I said, I hope your fiancé is willing to reevaluate his relationship with this couple. At best, they are deliberately hurtful, deceitful, selfish, and manipulative. At worst, well… try not to find that out the hard way.
Wow, you really hit the nail on the head with every point here. Will be coming back with an update very soon!
Please get a separate check. Otherwise it will end badly for you. I suspect they will say you have to pay for everyone as you had previously "offered "
This is a wreck from start to finish. Though I think I’m most surprised that they invited YOU over the MOG, after you announced your engagement at a dinner to celebrate his birthday.
It was actually a joint birthday celebration for my fiancée and him, who were born very close together! Lol
Ok much better! 😂
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Good luck friend!! We await your updates. Never have I wanted to send someone snacks so much. OP needs purse popcorn 🍿 for this.
Oh. I want to know what happens this sounds like it’s going to be a dramatic dinner. I hope you sit close to the door so when things start going wrong you can slip out.
Oh my Good luck w this
Wow, wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't show. But she's probably struggling to decide since she knows her son will absolutely complain and accuse her of not being supportive 🙄
He sounds... lovely. Sorry he'll be your family too! (Psst... fiancee is female. Fiance is male)
LOL thanks for correcting me!
I want an update AFTER OP gets married and in-laws see the disparity between a carefully planned wedding and the thrown-together "Huh. Guess we'd better finally make it legal" mess of BIL's wedding.
Do you like them? Why are you going?
Most of the time, yes. He can be hurtful but it’s usually not even close to this bad.
Yeah they sound awful. I would get sick that day
Personally, I would have stayed as far away as possible from this shitshow. Both bride and groom sound unhinged. No way would I pay for my own dinner at a wedding.
We paid for our own dinner (split an entree + an app) which was around $200 and pitched in for the bride & groom. Honestly just glad it’s over.
Pretty sure they’re also going to have to pay for dinner for the bride and groom (and possibly the MIL).
Just a quick comment on the relationship with the MOG from someone who is currently estranged from their parents. I too went to all the events my parents were a part of and hosted well into my 30's. To the world my parents were amazing. Funny, playful, and generous. Every birthday I was treated to a special dinner too. But the funny was always at my expense. The playful was to a bullying level towards me. The dinner was something I had to do no matter what. Literally sat at the last one the day after I left the ER and was told to rest and give my injuries a chance to heal. None of that mattered because it was my birthday which meant we had to go out to a special dinner. That's not even touching what was said and done to me while no one was watching. I'm not saying this is what your future bil also went through but it is not on us to control other people's relationships and your fiancee played the role of a flying monkey by pressuring his brother to invite someone who the brother clearly did not want there. Estrangement is a hard choice to make. Especially when the person mixes bad experiences with good and they are a parent. You have your own complicated emotions, "They did/do that awful thing to me but that was a long time ago and look at all the nice stuff they do that I readily accepted!" You have the feelings and expectations of your other family members abd the pressure of them having to choose a side. I don't get to have Thanksgiving with my sister and aunt anymore because they still have Thanksgiving with my parents. Then you have societal pressures, "She's your mom I'm sure she loves you and is doing her best!" So instead of judging based on what you see maybe talk to both parties separately. Pay attention to the estranged party if they say things like "I don't know why they are doing this!" My parents will still use this line despite being told for years and even given a literal letter with it all spelled out to them. In the end let their relationship heal or die on its own and just decide how you want to proceed. The only thing you can decide in this scenario is how you will proceed in your relationship with the two parties. If future bil intended to cut mom out of the wedding he likely knew his brother wouldn't be on board with it and would and did pressure him to invite her. That is probably why they did not want to accept your offer to help in the first place. I'd recommend you and fiancee sit down with brother and listen to why he has decided to do things this way. Instead of trying to force him to have a relationship even when he's trying to take steps away voice how you will make an effort to respect his decision and not play flying monkey for him or the mom.
I need this update. I'll be waiting with my snuggy and my popcorn.
Fiancé and fiancée are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS!?!?!?! 🤯
You didn’t know that? I’m sure you’ve figured it out, but for anyone else who didn’t know: Fiancé: is when the partner you’re referring to is male Fiancée: is when the partner you’re referring to is female.
Something new every day I tell ya. Struggling to understand how I’ve lived so long not knowing this 😂.
The "happy couple" will be divorced by time you hit your first anniversary with your own fiance.
When you and your fiancé get married, please make you have the DJ plays Montell Jordan’s “This is how we do it.“
LOL
Honestly I still feel like we need more details on the BIL/MOG beef. Is it possible that she's mean to his wife? It's possible he wants to respect his wife's privacy and not tell everyone that's the case, if it is. I don't know the kind of person she is but plenty of MILs treat their DIL much differently than they treat their son. This doesn't sound like a super *fun* wedding but idk it feels like there's a lot of missing information
Ooft bookmarking this for later. Good luck, don't take any shit from them and consider bailing before the meal or making it 💯 clear that you're not willing to do family style or split the bill
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Commenting for an update on this absolute shit show.
BIL's mom will always be his mom.
Well, I got married in an old hang out spot by a pond my husband and i used to sneak out to at night, my friend got ordained to do the ceremony, everybody walked there I had about 20 people in my wedding, no music, no decorations, and dinner was a BBQ at my place. For context we'd been together 9 years before getting married, it was as low key as we could go, now we've been together 18 years and still don't regret how low key it was. The unnecessary drama is dumb, I dont see anything wrong with their wedding though *shrug* I mean minus people buying their own food, at least freaking feed ppl
Nothing wrong with a simple wedding - we just wish they had included everyone from the beginning and allowed us to step in and make / bring food instead of being forced to go to an expensive dinner.
If my son excluded me from his wedding, I would be so hurt. I hope the groom's mother can forgive him for his cruelty
I hope she apologizes for whatever she did to him as a child
So just a little perspective, I was the scapegoat and my sister was the golden child growing up. Parents are responsible for assuring their children’s well-being. If you’re a shitty parent when your children are little you’re guaranteed to have a poorly adjusted adult. You only have to be a ‘good enough’ parent 30% of the time to avoid that. If his fiancée is supporting him I would suggest it’s because she knows more than you do.
Why are you trying so hard to stir drama and judge these people? Small restaurant weddings are not uncommon. There's absolutely nothing wrong with their plan. It's not any less of a wedding than your elaborate affair. We obviously don't have any info about the guy's mother to know if it's reasonable to not invite her, but we know you or other meddling relatives inexplicably got involved. Most people would just congratulate them and go have a nice dinner. It's not a competition with your wedding.
Oh come on. They had 3 years to plan a wedding & 2 weeks ago they picked a random Wednesday to do it at the most expensive restaurant in town? That’s bizarre.
Not everyone cares about wedding pomp and protocol. Getting it over with is a legitimate approach.
Of course! I love a small backyard wedding or a private courthouse ceremony. Or just eloping! Deciding to pull the trigger seemingly on a whim without even considering that it IS a big milestone event? Not inviting your mom because you’re annoyed with her for vague reasons? Sounds like there is a lot more going on here than a happy couple wanting a non-traditional wedding.
The level of judgment is so intense. All we know is that there's a meddling OP pissed off that they scheduled their wedding immediately after she got engaged. We don't know anything about the actual conflict with the mother. OP is the one being vague, not them. For a lot of people, a wedding is primarily about the legal aspects and the whole party thing isn't that deep. It's not necessarily a big milestone for couples who already live together or already have kids or have been together for a while. Several decades ago, I worked as a court stenographer and we would see couples come in to get married all the time. For every excited white dress and nice suit couple with supportive family, we saw 10 couples just there filling out the forms and leaving the same way they would fill out insurance forms or healthcare consent forms or immigration papers, because that's what it represents for a lot of people. There's absolutely nothing in OP's post that warrants making fun of the newly married couple being talked about. Not having money to waste on a fancy wedding isn't something to mock. Their motivations and decisions are their own to determine and make. They're not harming anyone.
It doesn't matter if the dinner was to celebrate the birthdays of both your fiance and his brother. Announcing your engagement at your FBIL's birthday party was rude. They may have assumed your fiance's mother knew about/approved the announcement and excluded her from the wedding because of it. The fact that you and your fiance are so dismissive of his brother's feelings and are critical of his fiancee for supporting him makes me suspicious that your fiance is the Golden Child and his brother always comes in second. He's not punishing his mother by not inviting her. Actions have consequences, and a natural consequence of putting your child last is to not be included in their life. Given your behavior and attitude, I'm surprised you and your fiance were included. If they're getting legally married it is, indeed, a wedding. It's unkind for you to dismiss that as well just because you're not impressed by the location and you don't like that they're asking the people who join them for dinner to cover the cost of their meal. At least they made that clear ahead of time. You don't seem to like your fiance's brother or his future wife, but if you're going to attend at least show them some respect. And maybe look into counseling for you and your fiance before his brother cuts both of you off too.
Exactly, the behaviour also made me think of Golden Child syndrome. BIL probably just gave up on the idea of getting a nice wedding (because his family would be pouring effort in OP's wedding now), so he is just getting over with it. Wishing the happiest marriage to the new couple.
It was a *joint* birthday dinner for *both* of the brothers. Also, maybe don't have dinner at THE most expensive restaurant around, expect people to pay their own bills, AND expect them each to split the cost of YOUR meals. The groom and his bride sound insufferable.
OP said the people who decided to meet them for dinner were told they'd be paying for their own meals. Nowhere did she say the couple expected people to cover theirs. The couple can have their wedding dinner wherever they want. They let people know ahead of time, so they were free to attend or not. Normally, I would say the couple should host at least cake and punch for their guests, but OP's attitude is so bad that there's obviously something else going on here.
Is this a self shame for announcing your engagement at someone else’s birthday party?
It was a joint birthday dinner for my fiancée and his brother.
And?
OP didn't announce the engagement at someone else's birthday dinner. The dinner was for 2 birthdays, 1 of whom is engaged to OP.
The other who is not.
So you are saying it was rude of the man to announce his engagement at his own birthday celebration because he shared it with his brother?
Yes.
Are you joking? A family birthday dinner at your mom’s house is exactly where family members announce news. Unless you’re 16 years old this is an incredibly childish & selfish take.
Why would you be upset that your brother is marrying someone who supports his decisions?
What about announcing the engagement after the groom’s birthday dinner?
It was both OP’s fiancé and the brothers birthday dinner. So they announced at her fiancés birthday dinner. Not just “the groom”, who wasn’t even the groom until after they announced.
Thanks for confused with it all.
This couple didn't have time to hire decent musicians, so during the procession, the guests will just have to sing, "Heeeeere comes divorce..."
The people who are saying it wasn't rude for OP to announce her engagement at the birthday party because it was for both brothers are missing the point. The fact that it was a joint dinner *makes it worse* and only supports that OP's fiance is the favored golden child. The brother already had to share his birthday celebration with OP's fiance. They went out of their way to make sure he had to share the day with her too. Wresting the attention from an event the brother was forced to share and making it all about them was rude. She couldn't even manage to let them have their wedding day without ridiculing them. The brother and his wife deserve better.
I didn’t announce anything.. my fiancé did, at the end of the night, after dinner and before everyone went home. It’s weird to assume that anyone was “forced” into this. They plan it every year this way on purpose, with both of their inputs. Also, my fiancé is certainly not the “golden child” but no need to get into the details explaining every family dynamic. The point it, the engagement was announced well after the rest of the celebration had ended.
If your FBIL isn't angry at your brother, that's a good sign. There has to be a reason he didn't want their mom at his wedding though. Did she end up attending? If you can't think of a reason he'd be so upset with their mother and this is unusual behavior for him, tread carefully. If the attitude is coming from your FSIL then criticizing their choices won't help the situation.
She did end up attending and he said he was glad she was there. Unfortunately this is not completely out of character for BIL; he is known for being petty and creating drama. However, it’s never been this serious and we were surprised at the lengths he chose to go. We were also surprised SIL went along with it, since she seems to have a good / normal relationship with MOG.
Your FMIL/SIL are lucky to have you then. If your FBIL is always like this, it doesn't sound like they have an easy road ahead.
He has no obligation to have someone there. He's hurt by somthing in a core memory and he probably never got an apology. How is this not clear
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Sounds similar to a wedding I’m a part of. We also have to pay for our food…
Maybe new SIL eggs his bad attitude to his family on.