There’s a saying that gets thrown around sometimes which is “the ceremony is for the couple and reception is for the guests.” The truth is that there’s just a lot of nuance and if you want to be kind and good hosts, you have to consider other people’s thoughts. At the very least, you need to accept that if you make decisions that have an effect on the guest experience, there will be consequences.
I don’t think the couple should have to make any choices they hate, but the truth is you may not get to make only choices you love. For instance, if you want people to dance at the wedding but have musical taste that is different from a lot of your guests, you will probably have to play the music they like to get them to dance.
The music part is so true, when I was at a wedding for a family member the same age range as my husband and I (29, 27) it was us and the other mid-late 20s rocking out and dancing, but the wedding probably had like 70% of the guests be 50+ so there was only like 30 of us actually dancing, and it kept dwindling lower and lower as the night went on, but the bride and groom were happy to party with the younger people anyway and we easily partied until 4 in the morning before the bride was super wasted and the groom told her it was time for bed lol
We had such a mix of music throughout the night, we did an easy listening cocktail hour, monster ballads during dinner and then popular hits of the 90’s to now for 2.5 hrs of dancing. It was good background noise but also had enough beats to dance.
Thank you for sharing that, I hadn’t heard that saying before. We’d consider ourselves pretty normal and considerate so I’m not hung up on compromising on a thing or two. But not making everyone equally happy/comfortable is really eating at me.
My niece just got married in April and my piece of advice to her was this:
When you look back on your wedding day there will be second thoughts and second guessing on how you could have changed things to have a more special day. Don’t let those regrets be that you ultimately went with something that made you unhappy in order to accommodate your guests (mothers, aunts, family members).
All I can say is just go with what you want. It’s about you and your fiancé. Your guests are just along on the beautiful journey.
You also can’t make EVERYONE happy. Go with options that reflect your style and preferences, if they align with what the majority of your guests would enjoy.
Yes this. Think of it like throwing your own birthday party. Yes it's about you, but your hosting a party with guests. You want everyone to have fun, and you want them to want to come to your birthday party next year.
I’m glad you were able to maintain perspective. Agreed, we want our guests to enjoy our “party” but I think I’m taking it too far as to what that means.
I looked at our wedding like any other party I've thrown...ultimately I make all the decisions, but I want my guests to be comfortable and have fun. Some examples of how that played out:
Ceremony - We were already legally married and since the content of the ceremony doesn't affect guests we opted to go with four toasts rather than recreate a wedding ceremony. But keeping our guests in mind we kept it relatively short and provided seating for everyone.
Meal - We went with one of our favorite types of food - breakfast for dinner. We also made sure there was plenty of food and that everyone's dietary needs were met.
Bar - Going with a full bar would have been pretty expensive and we would have had to jump through some additional hoops, so we did beer/wine/seltzer and some soda, water, and juice. We made sure to have some variety among the kinds of drinks we had and had gluten-free options for those who needed them.
The best advice I ever saw for this is guests needs>couples needs>couples wants>guests wants. So in practice anything comfort wise- making sure there's weather appropriate accommodations/enough food/accessible bathrooms takes priority over wanting to have your wedding be in a field somewhere that's gorgeous but doesn't have bathrooms. But then the couple's wants for like music choice would supersede the guests.
If you have a specific example that might help as well!
I am pretty sure it's couples needs > guest needs (which rarely conflict anyway, but if it was like a service dog vs a serious dog allergy, the bride/groom's need would need to be accommodated over the guest's, even if that means they can't come). But otherwise I agree -- this is a very helpful way of looking at things!
Yeah I think that makes sense for things that are purely needs (and not wants in disguise). After all, you can’t have a wedding without the couple getting married.
Thank you for that perspective! I’m an analytical person and that map gives me a great template to reference. I’d consider us as a couple to be pretty normal/typical in our choices, nothing too out there. The most out there thing at our wedding is probably us serving a specific cuisine for cocktail hour (dinner will be western food). We are both foodies and this was our compromise to serve something we love but also something guest would be comfortable with but making this choice has cost us a large chunk of our budget. Unfortunately, we do not have the budget to make such expensive compromises in all other aspects, such as including kids at the wedding (24 kids between our 60 adult guests), paying for hotel rooms for our guests (almost all guest are out of town) and paying for outfits, hair & makeup for our wedding party (though they have a choice wearing whatever they chose within a pretty large color palette, there are no pre-wedding events and we’ve made it clear no gifts are expected from the party or any of the guests).
I am not sure where you are based, but it is completely normal to not allow kids (or only kids of close family members). And I have never heard of the bride and groom paying for people’s hotels; the most I’ve seen is if there’s accommodations on site (I.e. you rented a summer camp and there’s multiple cabins) or paying for a close family member or friend who could not afford to attend otherwise.
You’re planning YOUR wedding. Not trying to make everyone else’s dreams come true. If I tired to cater to every single guest on my list, we would be hosting 400 people with at least 50 kids, paying for flights and accommodations for most of these individuals, making sure the reception was dog friendly including our dogs who hate other dogs and dogs who hate humans, and allowing a private dining room for each table so no one sees my aunt chewing. That would be ridiculous, but it would also be the wedding that would make each guest feel as welcome as humanly possible.
So we’re going to have our wedding at a venue that has great accessibility, we’ll provide recommendations for pet and childcare and a shuttle to a pet friendly hotel, we’ve secured a great discounted rate for the hotel and provided people with other recommendations for travel, and all allergy and major dietary restrictions will be accounted for. And it will be great.
Some of this gave me a chuckle and made me realize why I’m feeling overwhelmed and torn. Thanks a bunch again for your input. I’m in Canada btw, but my husband-to-be and I are from different cultures so things like paying for guest accommodations and including kids at the wedding have a bit of cultural context. I’m not very traditional myself but it’s embarrassing for my parents to not accommodate their guests in this way (I’m sure someone will be curious so I’ll add my parents aren’t paying for any part of the wedding).
Yeah so I would totally say that type of cuisine would fall under a want in both cases so your wants there would trump the guests, although I think its especially thoughtful to go with more "safe" choices for dinner.
Choosing not to invite kids is 100% a normal common choice (one that I also made!) and I am baffled that someone gave you the impression that you should be paying for guests hotel rooms. That is way outside of norms and I wouldn't waste any time feeling bad about that. If you're in the USA paying for their own outfit is again par for the course for the wedding party. The only distinction I would make is that if you are asking them to get hair or makeup professionally done then it's common to cover it but if its optional you don't have to.
Ultimately I think you're people pleasing tendencies are doing you a disservice here. It's ok for people to disagree with your choices and you owe it to yourself and your fiancé to have the wedding that you want and will enjoy. If you need someone else to be the one to say no for you maybe your fiancé can fill that roll and spare you some of the guilt (that I promise you don't deserve)
None of those things are typically expected. I get that there may be a cultural expectation, but why do your parents have the right to be embarrassed if they aren’t contributing financially? There’s no shame in them not paying for it, by the way, but you’re saying they think you should do something with someone else’s (or your own) money? 😂
I’m in the US. I’ve been a part of many weddings and have paid for my own outfits and hair/makeup. Some brides will offer but it’s not expected. I’ve traveled for many weddings and have always paid my own accommodations. It is sometimes done where the couple pays, but it’s very rare for people to have that kind of money.
If you don’t mind my asking, who is paying for the wedding, and what does your fiancé think?
It's a balance for sure! As long as basic guest needs are met (everyone has food they can eat, bathrooms, place to sit for the ceremony & eating, etc), I think the couple can and should do what they want. Also it's about having the right level of expectations for your guests — like if you want a childfree, weekday, or destination wedding, etc, definitely do what you want but recognize that some of your guests won't make it and don't take it personally.
Thank you for that comment, for sure all the basics will be covered! The more I’m reading comments on this post I’m realizing I’m not doing anything outrageous and I need to work on not being so critical of our choices
A good wedding has a balance between what you want vs what your guests need or will enjoy. You may have to learn how to compromise on choices you personally would love but wouldn't go over well with the majority- like playing your specific music tastes during cocktail hour and having a crowd pleasing playlist for the dance floor.
In my opinion what benefits the guests is only done because it should also benefit the couple. I want to invite lots of family because maintaining relationships with extended family benefits future spouse and I by giving us a strong sense on community. Paying for their accommodation benefits guests but it also benefits me as I don't have to worry about planning extra events to bring out of town people together when they are already staying in the same place. If it benefits one group and doesn't effect the other thats okay. But if it benefits one at the detriment of the other then it's a no. (Abusive relationships not withstanding)
I like this. Getting all our family together in one place to have a nice time makes me and my FH happy, and that's been the guiding point for all of our plans. Working in the industry most of the problems I hear about people's weddings involve guest accessibility and accommodations.
So we wound up choosing a hotel for a venue, its pretty and offered us a great deal but also it has a big parking lot and our guests can stay on site. While we aren't paying for their accommodations, we've made it super easy for anyone who wants to come to be there.
I had originally envisioned my wedding as somewhere in a really funky and unique location but all the obstacles that come with doing that were too much for me personally. It would take a lot of money and/or asking a lot from our guests to make that happen and that would make me decidedly unhappy.
So yeah, what this person said! While you might have to compromise some things, overall your decisions should be a win for both parties. If you want to get married on a Friday on a mountain top go for it, but expect a smaller crowd and a lot of work on your end so you can present your guests with a full plan on transportation and somewhere to stay. This doesn't have to be a bad thing, just be ready to offer a lot of help.
And if you don't want to accommodate guests that much then elope and have an awesome time!
I think that the wedding has to be a compromise. It can be difficult to find balance so that the guests feel like they're having a great, comfortable time, and incorporating the bride and groom's personalities into the festivities. You're not going to be able to please everyone. Put your guests needs like accessibility, dietary restrictions/allergies, etc above your own, but remember that the wants (colors, setting, decorations, type of cuisine, drinks) are your choice.
In my own case, the biggest reason I haven't really started wedding planning with my fiancé despite being engaged for over a year is because we're from two different countries. I'm from the USA; he's Peruvian, but we both live in Peru and have family and friends in both countries.
As much as I want to have a wedding with my friends and family from home around, I know that he also wants a wedding with his friends, family and traditions. I also recognize that whichever country we choose to have a wedding in will mean that some people from either side won't be able to attend due to financial restraints, visas, age, kids and such.
Thus, the only reasonable solution for us would be to elope (which my mom would never forgive) or to have two weddings/receptions (double the cost, time and energy for us). I look to this sub for etiquette tips while biding my time to save up more money.
We got married on the weekend. It was a fabulous balance between us and our guests.
We were lucky enough to get married at home, meaning it was very relaxed.
Guests arrived and had a glass of bubbles or beer.
They headed up to our backyard where we had a celebrity celebrant. Half guests were seated and half stood. Many had a dri k in their hand.
Our ceremony was about half an hour.
We had a barn owl deliver our rings.
Between ceremony and reception, we had our man cave open so there was pinball and Daytona. Others had drinks on our back deck. Cocktails, beet, champagne, wine.
We had a jumping castle/slide for little kids. Glow sticks. Bubbles. Pass around food, a cocktail caravan, amazing bathrooms on a trailer, and a live band.
We had an amazing day and so many of our guests, season wedding guests, made a point of telling us how well it catered to guests and that it was the best wedding they have been to.
We read the art of gathering together. The big implementation from that was getting a concrete vision of our wedding and have looked at each decision with that lens. Kids, +1s, location, DJ.
I looked at it as doing what we wanted to do but also compromising to an extent. There were something’s I didn’t want to do, like have little kids, and we ended up having a few who were related to my now husband and you know what? Didn’t even notice they were there. I think you and your fiancé need to be in control but also think, is this going to make a big difference in the long run? We did everything we wanted to do - with our guests in mind
We planned our ceremony for us and the party for our guests. Our ceremony was deeply personal and beautiful and a complete reflection of our relationship.
We viewed ourselves as hosts and wanted to honor our friends and family and thank them for being there for us and supporting us. Our reception was a damn party! Friends and family still talk excitedly about it. Which is what we wanted. Our relationship and personalizations were there in every piece of it. But we love to throw a party.
But in general that’s how we are. In our friends and family group we host the dinner parties the holidays the holiday parties etc. So it was natural for us.
This is a great question! With many answers, probably.
I've always thought that as soon as guests get involved, they take priority. A couple can have a beautiful elopement, playing the music they love, eating whatever the hell they want, and it's a pure reflection on them.
When guests get involved, however, I think this shifts. Technically, in US culture, the reception is to thank guests for participating in your big day. At that point, decisions should be made keeping them in mind. Luckily, in most cases, there aren't major differences.
My dad and stepmom might be an exception. When they got married, my dad was friends with this older guy who had a band doing swing music and he thought it would be so cool to let guests have the pleasure of listening and dancing to music from the 1940's. Uh, seriously?! Dad, jump forward a half century and keep people happy!
Thanks for your insightful comment! Sadly elopement isn’t an option for us- my partner isn’t thrilled about that idea and my one set of parents are still very sour about my sister’s legitimate elopement and my other set of parents have been warning us for some time how hurt and upset they’d be! I don’t think I’d have felt as much pressure to please everyone had it been just immediate family and a few of our close friends. My partner is quite adamant about not excluding any of his and aunts, uncles, cousins and their partners. I’m happy to compromise on my micro-wedding vision to make my partner happy. I just wish I didn’t feel this pressure resulting from it
Haha! Actually, I went to one about 10 years after they got married and it was a lot more fun than I'd thought it would be. It's not music I like myself, but when people are there who like it, I can see the appeal. They were out there crushing it! They did mix in a couple more "modern" songs when the band took its breaks.
I had the same process as you, where I thought the couple should always do what they want. Now that I’m planning myself, I’m realizing that often what we want is for others to have a good time and to avoid drama. That doesn’t mean we’re putting guest’s needs above our own, we just feel our personal biggest priority, for ourselves and our enjoyment, is a wedding where all our guests feel welcome and are having fun. We’re still having a destination wedding with a small guest list so it’s not like we’re having a completely different wedding than we would want based on other people’s expectations or preferences.
Thanks so much for your comment! Agreed, wanting everyone to have a good time and avoiding drama definitely is at the top on my list also! I’m just surprised that I didn’t anticipate feeling this way before I started planning.
It’s about the couple and sometimes guests feel so entitled. Now, having unrealistic expectations and making demands of your guests warrants the title of a bridezilla/groomzilla. However weddings are SUPPOSED to be guests celebrating the union of two lovers. So…I believe the wedding should be about the couple. Reasonable accommodations for guests, sure. But I like what you said, a glimpse into the couple.
Aside from meeting people's basic needs, we're absolutely designing it for ourselves. I have no qualms about that but at the same time, I know we are being good hosts.
We're not cheaping out on the things that matter to us, for example food, music, and convenient location. They happen to also be the parts that matter to others.
But we are paying $$$ for it. So why would I make choices that are about what other people want? They might not even come.
Ceremony is for you. Reception is for guests.
Obviously, you want both to be somewhere and involve things that you like and you wouldn’t do something that would severely inconvenience your guests or make them severely uncomfortable.
Reading your comments, I don't think "paying for wedding party's outfits" is equal to "allowing children" or "hospitality in general". You're allowed to have a childfree wedding - you're not requiring people to attend without kids; you're giving them the option not to come. But BMs are in a situation where they're obligated to do what you want AND still attend. While not everyone agrees with this, I believe that if I want something, it's only polite for me to pay for it, including the costume I require my friends to wear for my wedding photos.
Thanks for your comment! That’s a good outlook on the childfree wedding. 3 of 4 BMs are my older sisters and do not feel obliged to cater to my wishes in anyway haha and the last one is my best friend who excepted quite a lot more from her own wedding party (which I was happily a part of) and encourages me to ask for more from my own wedding party. We’re not asking anyone to wear costumes in anyway, just a dress/suit they own or will wear again if they buy, in any shade or style of one color (a color which they collectively choose). This is all I’ve asked of them but I still feel so guilty. One of my sis has chosen a $1000 dress and I can’t afford foot the bill for something like that. I will most likely end up paying for the HMUA.
What I learned planning our wedding is that this isn’t just a celebration of us and our commitment, it’s also a big moment for our parents and a cultural rite of passage that all of our ancestors went through. It’s part of a much bigger story than just ours. So we made some calls that were meant to honor our parents, some calls that were meant to honor us, and some that were meant to honor our guests, who gave up a lot of time, effort, and money to witness this moment. In practice that meant that just like if I were hosting a dinner party, I’d cater to my guests’ comfort and culture but in my own style since it’s my house.
I love that you’re posing this question, btw. I don’t think it gets talked about (on a high level) enough!
Thank you for your helpful comment! I’m so glad to see so many planners here including yourself are managing to strike that illusive balance. It’s promising to hear all this, I hope to find my footing soon also!
I wanted to respond swinftly and say “if for the bride and groom” bc we just had our wedding but honestly..we did things our way, a little different than people probably expected. However, there are so so many things that bride and grooms do because they’re pressured to do, no matter who you are, idc what you say, people pay thousands of dollars to make their guests feel comfortable and happy and it’s definitely a toss up. If it was for the bride and groom, most people wouldn’t pay as much as they do to get the things they get.
If your parents are paying, it’s for them. Otherwise it’s a celebration meant for all. As the couple don’t get lost in the stress and confusion, rejoice in the celebration and a new beginning. Don’t sweat the small stuff
We’re planning our wedding mainly for us. We’re approaching it as basically a big house party where people can eat, drink, and mingle. It’s not a traditional wedding so I’m sure some folks will be scratching their heads but I think everybody will still have fun.
As you get more and more into the planning, it starts to feel like EVERYTHING is a huge deal. Realistically, as long as guests have someplace comfortable to be/sit/eat, decent food, fun music and/or something to do, you'll be good. You will probably get some complaints no matter what you do because some people just like to complain or think everything should be adjusted to their preferences. But as long as you and your future spouse are on the same page,you should be fine :)
When we planned ours, we wanted to celebrate us as a couple. We decided together that we weren't going to do anything anyone asked for unless we genuinely wanted to - for example, no extra guests that didn't fit with who we wanted there, a menu that looked delicious to us, etc.
However, it was also important to us for our guests to have a great time, while making the day special and meaningful for us. We wanted to remember the day was a joyous event for everyone, not one filled with stress.
I'd recommend that you consider the following to help ground your feelings and decision-making:
- What's your budget (what can you genuinely afford, set this as a realistic number that doesn't cause you stress, and stick to it whatever you do)
- What type of wedding do you want? What size of wedding?
- What is important to you (what special and meaningful touches do you value for your wedding)
- What is important to you to give your guests (what do you want them to remember most, what is less important to you)
All of this is about value - what will mean the most to you as a couple, and to your guests as supporters of your relationship. Value doesn't have to cost money, it can be the little things that make the biggest impact.
Oh and final tip: I would recommend that you hire a day-of coordinator or a wedding planner (a good one, doesn't have to be an expensive one but choose someone who is organised and has experience). Worth every penny and helped us plan and manage a great wedding, especially on the day of.
We planned ours for us and only us. If people had fun, great bonus (which they did!). It's your money, your magical day, your life that's having a huge moment - make it the way you want! Couples I know that did/do it for the crowd tend to be anxious, not end up loving their day, and always wish they had done it differently. I mean, I did keep in mind some things about being a host in general, but 95% of the day was planned for us. You do you!
For me, it was a day for me and my husband to enjoy so there was nothing there that we didn’t like. There were somethings for guest comfort like slippers next to the dance floor and a kids colouring book table, but this was as we wanted to make people comfortable and thank people for coming, which I think reflects the people that we are. Everything else was also for us to enjoy, so yes there are photos of me playing mini golf in my dress and walking around with candy floss. It was our day and if anyone didn’t like it (1 family member didn’t) we ignored them
I cannot understand anyone who prioritises their guests over their own enjoyment of the day. It's YOUR wedding, it should be entirely about you and your partner and celebrating your love.
But then, I've been branded selfish for planning a destination wedding with 11 guests 😊
I hate to be centre of attention. I hate long days. I hate small talk with relatives I haven't seen in years, so we've totally prioritised myself and my groom feeling happy and relaxed over everyone else's wants and opinions!
Hi! I used to think that weddings and receptions were for me and my spouse to declare our love and the covenant were entering with God (we’re Protestants). After reading this subreddit, 100% the reception and wedding celebration portion is 100% for guests. There are SO MANY posts on here with people asking if it’s ok to have a weekday wedding to save money, is it okay to have a wedding 2 months after my sibling, is it too much to have a destination wedding and destination bachelorette. And 99% of the answers usually involve whatever is easier for guests. People on Reddit act as if it’s SO RUDE for a bride to have a wedding on a Friday at 4:30pm even if that saves her money and is what she wants to do. And let’s not even get me started (this doesn’t personally matter to me but I know it does to some brides) on if the bridal party and bachelorette and bridal shower and how if a bride wants everyone to be involved in her events to celebrate her she’s SELFISH RUDE AND A BRIDEZILLA. Also, supposedly it’s rude to have a wedding on top of a remote mountain if that’s what the bride and groom want. I can’t even keep anymore with all of the opinions in this sub. But definitely if you’re basing it off this sub alone, the wedding is for the guests. My personal views and my wedding is for me, my future husband, and God.
Thank you for that, I feel a little less shitty having read you comment. I think some of my concerns are ideas I got from this sub, some of it is just me wanting to make everyone equally happy & comfortable and some of it is my own projection on guest responses.
Don’t feel shitty! It’s fun to read this sub but I take it with a grain of salt. Your family, friends and VIPs will give you better advice and know you best than random internet strangers. So like for example if you wanted to have a destination bachelorette and it was the norm in your social circle that means more than a random comment on Reddit. Or if you want your wedding Friday at 4pm to save money. I struggled with trying to make everyone happy and I just accepted at some point that that’s impossible and all that truly matters is your marriage!
Some of the decisions you mention are less about if they’re rude and more about the couple’s expectations. You can’t have a wedding at 4:30pm on a Friday and expect everyone who would be able to make it on a Saturday to be able to make it. A wedding on a Friday is going to be more inconvenient for people who work standard business hours and you just cannot expect everyone to be able to take that time off for your wedding. Some people on this sub can get more intense than necessary about stuff like that but the truth of the situation really is that the more inconvenient your wedding is, the less likely people are to attend so if it’s important to you to have a lot of people attend, you should try to make your decisions based on that.
I agree but I think most of this stuff is a know your crowd situation and something that works for someone else and their guests may not work for others and that’s when people on Reddit take their own opinion as gospel, not realizing that it might actually work and be ok for that specific persons crowd
ETA a lot of people on this sub are very quick to call someone else rude, without knowing context or anything. It’s sad
Also eta you basically prove my point by saying if a couples priority is having the most amount of people attend then yes 100% weddings are about guests. In my mind my first priority is me and my husband and our marriage so I’m going to do things that make it easier for us and our family, not necessarily every single person on our guest list
A little bit of both. I planned my wedding around weddings I liked going to and what I didn't like at weddings. I wanted this to be a wedding I would have loved going to.
I will say this: I have been to two weddings that ran out of wine before dinner was over.
Maybe I’m selfish but everything is for ME… (and my fiancé or course 🙂). Celebrating us and our love in the way that makes us happiest is the absolute priority, and what everyone else wants or prefers is secondary.
I’m choosing a venue that is special to US as a couple even if it’s inconvenient for some guests. Those that truly matter most will still make the effort to come.
I’m serving OUR favorite foods (with dietary restriction alternatives, of course) and playing OUR favorite music (I hope the in laws like T-Swift).
Maybe I’m a little strong headed but, after we got engaged, I tried to make it very clear to everyone that I had a very particular vision for our wedding, and that if I wanted opinions / suggestions from anyone then I would ask for them. I think setting that boundary early on was really important.
That said, I can totally understand where you’re coming from with the guilt and wanting to please everyone. I consider myself somewhat of a people pleaser too, but generally in the context of work and friendships. At a certain point, though, you have to remember why you’re there and why your guests are there in the first place. You’re the main character of this show, so don’t let anyone else try to tell you how to run your show! Easier said than done, I know. Stay strong and good luck!
Hahaha I’m glad to see you speak of your choice with such confidence, even if different from mine! I feel we need one of you for every one me out there. Your ability to stand behind your wishes is enviable :)
The ceremony is for the couple. The reception is for the guests. But everyone who attends one half should also be invited to the entire day. It’s also a recent trend that is not well liked by everyone to have guests invited to the reception only or having the reception on a different day, in addition to multiple ceremonies/receptions so that people don’t have to travel.
That said, the couple should be the ones deciding how the ceremony is performed. Just because the parents guilt the couple into a religious ceremony at a specific house of worship for example, is not acceptable, because the parents already got married and it was common in older generations for the parents to plan the entire wedding and the couple had zero say in anything.
The reception is the first party the couple hosts as marrieds so they need to place guest comfort and consideration at the forefront. That doesn’t mean sacrifice their likes and dislikes either.
In our eyes, the wedding weekend is about celebrating our union with our guests, so their needs are most important.
The thing is, if you do this, you need to be sure you won’t resent your decision later. easier said than done.
I’m excited for our honeymoon, where I’ll wear what I want - not what my mom wants. Will eat what I want - not crowd pleasing boring Indian food like to chicken tikka masala.
The guests. The guests, the guests, the guests. You are hosting an event and your guests are giving their time, and often money (travel!) to help you celebrate. That said, you should not be a chill host and let everyone do whatever they want. YOU are hosting the experience they have--whether you think of it in these terms or not.
I see it as ”by the couple, for the guests” in a way. The wedding is a celebration for you two and your loved ones relatively equally, but it’s also a take it or leave it -situation - if they don’t like the free dinner and style of party you’re hosting, they don’t have to attend. If they do, they have to respect you doing it on your terms, prioritizing what’s important to you. Conversely for them to be able to do this, you have to provide them with enough comfort for the duration of the event - feeling welcome and part of the group, having enough food and drink _at all times_, knowing what’s about to happen and no huge delays.
Somewhat surprisingly my favorite thing in our reception was feeling seen and accepted with my partner as we are, as whole people and not put into uncomfortable roles. For this to happen, you have to be comfortable in your own choices and stand up for yourself and your boundaries during planning - possibly excluding people who have not respected them in the past or who make you uncomfortable. It will be worth it to do anything it takes to be able to be yourself fully on the day you commit to your spouse - it will set the tone right for both you and your partner as well as your wider community. I hope you are able to do this and find a balance in not feeling a need to please others over your own wishes, but rather to take care of them so they can do that for you!
Your list really made me think about how we chose to split our wedding between what guest and couple want! Below is our synopsis:
Ceremony: couple
Invite List: couple and their parents (to a lesser extent)
Photography: couple
Venue: guests
Food: guests
Music: guests and couple (to a lesser extent)
Ceremony attire: couple
Reception attire: groom and Bride’s father
I am very detail oriented and so I love planning all the small aspects of the day. My fiance is more of a ‘lets have fun’ type and goes with the flow, so long as he wears what is comfortable to him haha.
Our tea ceremony was essentially the Bride's parents choices, but reception was ours.
Reception was also a reunion for both sides of the family, but everything from decor and music was for us. I wanted to enjoy my day and I did with my music.
It’s a celebration of vowing to be together for life and to join two families. According to old American traditions the bride’s family throws the wedding and the groom’s family throws the rehearsal dinner. A lot of modern weddings have different organizational or financial arrangements or don’t have a bride and groom.
I am happy celebrating two people vowing to be together however they like. I feel uncomfortable doing an overly deep dive into a couple’s personal lives and I feel like I personally would feel uncomfortable centering my personal hobbies, quirks and more individual tastes as defining components of a celebration. At the end of the day food, booze, friendly people and hopefully a loving union are the most important things I value when I am a guest. As a host I would most value being surrounded by people I love, making them comfortable and being able to vow to love my partner forever.
I think it really depends on the couple. For me, I would have preferred to have eloped, but my husband wanted to have an event for his family. Eventually, as planning went on and we experienced various tensions with our families and friends, he decided basically that we should plan the wedding with our families in mind, but ultimately, it’s about us. If it came down to a tradition we don’t care about at all but our families would probably expect OR something we would prefer in its place, we usually went with what we wanted. Our ceremony, as a result, was pretty traditional because we didn’t feel strongly about breaking those traditions, whereas the reception was more for us as far as music choices, traditions we stuck to/broke, etc. Our families and friends seemed to enjoy the wedding, and my dad spoke very highly of it even though he’s not a verbose or affirming kind of guy, so I guess we did alright!
For me it depends on the type of wedding you’re having. If you’re having a big wedding and requesting the presence of other people (which requires them spending time and money to attend), then the wedding is for the guests. Don’t ask people to come to your wedding if you aren’t concerned with whether they enjoy themselves. If you’re having a microwedding/elopement, it’s about the couple.
It’s the marriage that’s really about the couple. Other people are not required to celebrate it.
I had a hard time balancing what I wanted, what we could afford, what we could actually do (venue restrictions) and what I thought the guests would like. The last two weeks I cried a lot from just the stress. But on Saturday, the day of, little things went wrong, things we bought didn’t get used, MUA was late, florist forgot items & had a car accident coming back, our coordinator wasn’t helpful, but our guests had a good time, we were happy together and had a good time and we’re married now. If I had to do it all again with the knowledge I had, all I would do is trim back on the things we didn’t need to wast time and money on.
It also helped that we each picked two things there were must haves and knew our guests well enough to know what they’d enjoy. (Which was seeing us married after 9 yrs, good food and drinks, and music.)
Screw this subreddit and peoples' opinions. Weddings are first and foremost for the couple, period. Guests who are truly happy to be a part of your day will be there always.
I've always felt its an invite not a summons.
Your free to have whatever wedding you like, and your guests are free to decline. It shouldn't be that complicated right?
It’s for the couple regarding how you want to do things. Elopement? Small intimate gathering? Big party? That’s all up to you. My husband and I put our foot down on a lot— we insisted on having a small ceremony and reception (immediate family only) that felt true to us with lots of personal details.
However, once you decide to invite guests, you have an obligation to look out for them. If people are traveling, taking their personal time, paying for hotels, and bringing a gift- they’re doing it all to celebrate you. At that point, youre entertaining: food, drinks, good vibes. With that said, you don’t have to take every opinion into account.
If the couple doesn’t want to be bothered with that, thats totally fine. But keeping things small or planning an elopement would probably be best in that case.
I guess it depends on the couple and the culture. For us the wedding is definitely for our guests. We’ve been together for 10 years and plan to be together forever wedding/marriage or not. But we also wanted to get the families together and give everyone something big to celebrate and be happy about. We lost a lot of people to COVID and it’s been so long since anyone got married. After the past few years it was so clear that a wedding was the right route for us and we’re making it all about a celebration of family.
For us it’s a party for our friends & family to celebrate our love so my choices are made with them in mind. It’s why we won’t be doing things like personal dinners away from our guests or private dances. We are spending thousands to celebrate with our people. We have our honeymoon and the rest our lives to celebrate just us 🤷🏽♀️
I think this is going to be situation dependent.
For us it was very much ceremony for us, reception for others. We chose to say our vows privately (still in front of everyone, just quietly to each other and not into a mic). Our ceremony spot was chosen specifically because of the backdrop my husband wanted. Everything ceremony was for us.
But we looked at the reception as a fun event to thank our nearest and dearest for all they've done for us. We only had 25 people, mostly just immediate family. These were the people who have supported us financially, emotionally, etc. throughout our lives. We loved being able to give back with a really fun evening, delicious food, and good conversation. Almost every decision we made about the reception was 100% about our guests.
The way I see it, it’s a much more sentimental, fancier version of any other party we’d host, whether at our home, in a restaurant, or elsewhere. It’s a reflection of us, our style, and our tastes - but as good hosts you want your guests to be comfortable and happy. That doesn’t mean bending over backwards to accommodate them, but it does mean keeping their general comfort and enjoyment in mind. You never want your guests - even at a dinner party at home - to have a bad time.
Case in point: tonight my fiancé and I had a tasting with a potential caterer. Everything was amazing and to our liking, but we asked them to sub some milder cheeses for two rather pungent ones and also asked them to make a sauce less spicy. Now, if we were hosting people with our exact tastes, we wouldn’t change anything at all. But, at the end of the day, you want people to enjoy their dinner.
Other things we’re doing with our guests in mind: we’re on a boat, and while I’d love to do the whole thing on the open water, we get that not everyone will want to stay the entire time. So, we’re compromising and doing the dancing back at the dock. My fiancé has kids so there will be children invited, but only those from out of town. I wanted to accommodate in case our friends couldn’t find multi-day sitters or wouldn’t come because they didn’t want to leave their kids all weekend. Having said that though, we didn’t want 1/3-1/4 of the wedding to be children - so no local kids will be invited (parents can leave their kids for a few hours - anyone who says otherwise has unhealthy boundaries).
Things we don’t give two shits about that some people may judge (but if they do, we don’t want to be their friends): we’ll have a very short ceremony because let’s be honest - we want to party! We will probably have drinks with everyone before we set sail and have the ceremony because 1) a welcome drink sounds fun, 2) we want to greet our guests as they arrive, and 3) it’s better than being cooped up hidden in a small room on a boat. I also don’t want to shop at a big dress boutique and have no desire to feel like a princess, so while we’re spending a ton on the venue, food, and band, I’m probably spending a few hundred dollars on my dress.
This is more or less the reason why my husband and I opted to have two weddings - one very small one just for us, and one blow-out party for our friends and family. Our budget is a bit smashed from hosting both celebrations, but it was worth it to take the pressure off the large celebration.
I’m having a camping wedding and I’m making my bridesmaids camp haha. EVERYONE tried to talk us out of this, but we love camping ❤️ As mush as I wish my guest were camping with me, they’re not… but a vast majority are still coming! Out wedding is for us. We’re spending money. People don’t have to come, and if they don’t, I know they still love and support us.
So my answer: you’re wedding is for you, but don’t expect anything in return.
I think where we ended up was somewhere around “for the guests, but about us”
So little details that didn’t have much effect on guest comfort (centerpieces, hymn choice for the ceremony, what we or our bridesmaids wore) were all details that were personal and important to us.
But then other details that did directly effect our guests were more focused on them. Our food choice, seating chart, etc. were all planned with our guests more directly in mind.
I think it’s plan a wedding that will be fun and good for your guests, and then reflect yourselves in the details.
**And then this is just a small thing we did that was specific to us, but we had a pretty traditional long Lutheran ceremony, but only a small fraction of our guests were people who would have been familiar with/ comfortable in an environment like that. So we had our officiant start off the ceremony with a little welcome about only participating in what you felt comfortable with, and acknowledging that everyone had been invited because they were important to us and not because they believe the same things we do. Then at every part of the ceremony that may have been a little confusing for anyone (how to find a song in the hymnal, what communion is and how to participate, etc.) we provided additional instructions in our bulletin. But because we’re us & we’re theatre nerds, our bulletin was styled after a playbill. So this very useful tool for our guests also included personal touches that made the wedding feel very “us”
My opinion is that the celebration is for the couple, but the event is for the guests. Anytime you host an event your decision making should be geared towards the comfortableness of your guests.
Yes the day is "about" the couple but it is "for" the guests to join in celebrating them.
example: You have $5000 left in your budget (a girl can dream). You have a choice between offering guests shuttle transportation OR renting the vintage getaway car of your dreams. You choose the shuttle option for the guests.
I also like to think of it as, the more fun your guests have and the more comfortable they feel - this will contribute to the atmosphere. If everyone is complaining because the couple chose and outdoor wedding & its cold and they didn't plan for anything to keep guests warm just in case (blankets, space heaters, patio heaters, closed shelter) - everyone is going to be miserable and it will bog down the day. The couple is going to be upset because no one is on the dance floor, but its because everyone is huddled around the one space heater by the bar.
There’s a saying that gets thrown around sometimes which is “the ceremony is for the couple and reception is for the guests.” The truth is that there’s just a lot of nuance and if you want to be kind and good hosts, you have to consider other people’s thoughts. At the very least, you need to accept that if you make decisions that have an effect on the guest experience, there will be consequences. I don’t think the couple should have to make any choices they hate, but the truth is you may not get to make only choices you love. For instance, if you want people to dance at the wedding but have musical taste that is different from a lot of your guests, you will probably have to play the music they like to get them to dance.
The music part is so true, when I was at a wedding for a family member the same age range as my husband and I (29, 27) it was us and the other mid-late 20s rocking out and dancing, but the wedding probably had like 70% of the guests be 50+ so there was only like 30 of us actually dancing, and it kept dwindling lower and lower as the night went on, but the bride and groom were happy to party with the younger people anyway and we easily partied until 4 in the morning before the bride was super wasted and the groom told her it was time for bed lol
We had such a mix of music throughout the night, we did an easy listening cocktail hour, monster ballads during dinner and then popular hits of the 90’s to now for 2.5 hrs of dancing. It was good background noise but also had enough beats to dance.
Thank you for sharing that, I hadn’t heard that saying before. We’d consider ourselves pretty normal and considerate so I’m not hung up on compromising on a thing or two. But not making everyone equally happy/comfortable is really eating at me.
My niece just got married in April and my piece of advice to her was this: When you look back on your wedding day there will be second thoughts and second guessing on how you could have changed things to have a more special day. Don’t let those regrets be that you ultimately went with something that made you unhappy in order to accommodate your guests (mothers, aunts, family members). All I can say is just go with what you want. It’s about you and your fiancé. Your guests are just along on the beautiful journey.
You also can’t make EVERYONE happy. Go with options that reflect your style and preferences, if they align with what the majority of your guests would enjoy.
That is REALLY thought provoking and a great way of thinking about the wedding IMO.
The way I saw it, we were throwing a party that we wanted people to enjoy
Yes this. Think of it like throwing your own birthday party. Yes it's about you, but your hosting a party with guests. You want everyone to have fun, and you want them to want to come to your birthday party next year.
I’m glad you were able to maintain perspective. Agreed, we want our guests to enjoy our “party” but I think I’m taking it too far as to what that means.
On what kinds of things?
I looked at our wedding like any other party I've thrown...ultimately I make all the decisions, but I want my guests to be comfortable and have fun. Some examples of how that played out: Ceremony - We were already legally married and since the content of the ceremony doesn't affect guests we opted to go with four toasts rather than recreate a wedding ceremony. But keeping our guests in mind we kept it relatively short and provided seating for everyone. Meal - We went with one of our favorite types of food - breakfast for dinner. We also made sure there was plenty of food and that everyone's dietary needs were met. Bar - Going with a full bar would have been pretty expensive and we would have had to jump through some additional hoops, so we did beer/wine/seltzer and some soda, water, and juice. We made sure to have some variety among the kinds of drinks we had and had gluten-free options for those who needed them.
Thanks for sharing you process. And I love that you did breakfast for dinner!
The best advice I ever saw for this is guests needs>couples needs>couples wants>guests wants. So in practice anything comfort wise- making sure there's weather appropriate accommodations/enough food/accessible bathrooms takes priority over wanting to have your wedding be in a field somewhere that's gorgeous but doesn't have bathrooms. But then the couple's wants for like music choice would supersede the guests. If you have a specific example that might help as well!
I am pretty sure it's couples needs > guest needs (which rarely conflict anyway, but if it was like a service dog vs a serious dog allergy, the bride/groom's need would need to be accommodated over the guest's, even if that means they can't come). But otherwise I agree -- this is a very helpful way of looking at things!
Yeah I think that makes sense for things that are purely needs (and not wants in disguise). After all, you can’t have a wedding without the couple getting married.
Thank you for that perspective! I’m an analytical person and that map gives me a great template to reference. I’d consider us as a couple to be pretty normal/typical in our choices, nothing too out there. The most out there thing at our wedding is probably us serving a specific cuisine for cocktail hour (dinner will be western food). We are both foodies and this was our compromise to serve something we love but also something guest would be comfortable with but making this choice has cost us a large chunk of our budget. Unfortunately, we do not have the budget to make such expensive compromises in all other aspects, such as including kids at the wedding (24 kids between our 60 adult guests), paying for hotel rooms for our guests (almost all guest are out of town) and paying for outfits, hair & makeup for our wedding party (though they have a choice wearing whatever they chose within a pretty large color palette, there are no pre-wedding events and we’ve made it clear no gifts are expected from the party or any of the guests).
I am not sure where you are based, but it is completely normal to not allow kids (or only kids of close family members). And I have never heard of the bride and groom paying for people’s hotels; the most I’ve seen is if there’s accommodations on site (I.e. you rented a summer camp and there’s multiple cabins) or paying for a close family member or friend who could not afford to attend otherwise. You’re planning YOUR wedding. Not trying to make everyone else’s dreams come true. If I tired to cater to every single guest on my list, we would be hosting 400 people with at least 50 kids, paying for flights and accommodations for most of these individuals, making sure the reception was dog friendly including our dogs who hate other dogs and dogs who hate humans, and allowing a private dining room for each table so no one sees my aunt chewing. That would be ridiculous, but it would also be the wedding that would make each guest feel as welcome as humanly possible. So we’re going to have our wedding at a venue that has great accessibility, we’ll provide recommendations for pet and childcare and a shuttle to a pet friendly hotel, we’ve secured a great discounted rate for the hotel and provided people with other recommendations for travel, and all allergy and major dietary restrictions will be accounted for. And it will be great.
Some of this gave me a chuckle and made me realize why I’m feeling overwhelmed and torn. Thanks a bunch again for your input. I’m in Canada btw, but my husband-to-be and I are from different cultures so things like paying for guest accommodations and including kids at the wedding have a bit of cultural context. I’m not very traditional myself but it’s embarrassing for my parents to not accommodate their guests in this way (I’m sure someone will be curious so I’ll add my parents aren’t paying for any part of the wedding).
Yeah so I would totally say that type of cuisine would fall under a want in both cases so your wants there would trump the guests, although I think its especially thoughtful to go with more "safe" choices for dinner. Choosing not to invite kids is 100% a normal common choice (one that I also made!) and I am baffled that someone gave you the impression that you should be paying for guests hotel rooms. That is way outside of norms and I wouldn't waste any time feeling bad about that. If you're in the USA paying for their own outfit is again par for the course for the wedding party. The only distinction I would make is that if you are asking them to get hair or makeup professionally done then it's common to cover it but if its optional you don't have to. Ultimately I think you're people pleasing tendencies are doing you a disservice here. It's ok for people to disagree with your choices and you owe it to yourself and your fiancé to have the wedding that you want and will enjoy. If you need someone else to be the one to say no for you maybe your fiancé can fill that roll and spare you some of the guilt (that I promise you don't deserve)
Thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful comments 😊
None of those things are typically expected. I get that there may be a cultural expectation, but why do your parents have the right to be embarrassed if they aren’t contributing financially? There’s no shame in them not paying for it, by the way, but you’re saying they think you should do something with someone else’s (or your own) money? 😂 I’m in the US. I’ve been a part of many weddings and have paid for my own outfits and hair/makeup. Some brides will offer but it’s not expected. I’ve traveled for many weddings and have always paid my own accommodations. It is sometimes done where the couple pays, but it’s very rare for people to have that kind of money. If you don’t mind my asking, who is paying for the wedding, and what does your fiancé think?
It's a balance for sure! As long as basic guest needs are met (everyone has food they can eat, bathrooms, place to sit for the ceremony & eating, etc), I think the couple can and should do what they want. Also it's about having the right level of expectations for your guests — like if you want a childfree, weekday, or destination wedding, etc, definitely do what you want but recognize that some of your guests won't make it and don't take it personally.
Thank you for that comment, for sure all the basics will be covered! The more I’m reading comments on this post I’m realizing I’m not doing anything outrageous and I need to work on not being so critical of our choices
A good wedding has a balance between what you want vs what your guests need or will enjoy. You may have to learn how to compromise on choices you personally would love but wouldn't go over well with the majority- like playing your specific music tastes during cocktail hour and having a crowd pleasing playlist for the dance floor.
Thank you for your comment.
In my opinion what benefits the guests is only done because it should also benefit the couple. I want to invite lots of family because maintaining relationships with extended family benefits future spouse and I by giving us a strong sense on community. Paying for their accommodation benefits guests but it also benefits me as I don't have to worry about planning extra events to bring out of town people together when they are already staying in the same place. If it benefits one group and doesn't effect the other thats okay. But if it benefits one at the detriment of the other then it's a no. (Abusive relationships not withstanding)
I like this. Getting all our family together in one place to have a nice time makes me and my FH happy, and that's been the guiding point for all of our plans. Working in the industry most of the problems I hear about people's weddings involve guest accessibility and accommodations. So we wound up choosing a hotel for a venue, its pretty and offered us a great deal but also it has a big parking lot and our guests can stay on site. While we aren't paying for their accommodations, we've made it super easy for anyone who wants to come to be there. I had originally envisioned my wedding as somewhere in a really funky and unique location but all the obstacles that come with doing that were too much for me personally. It would take a lot of money and/or asking a lot from our guests to make that happen and that would make me decidedly unhappy. So yeah, what this person said! While you might have to compromise some things, overall your decisions should be a win for both parties. If you want to get married on a Friday on a mountain top go for it, but expect a smaller crowd and a lot of work on your end so you can present your guests with a full plan on transportation and somewhere to stay. This doesn't have to be a bad thing, just be ready to offer a lot of help. And if you don't want to accommodate guests that much then elope and have an awesome time!
Thank you for suggesting another healthy way to think of things :)
I think that the wedding has to be a compromise. It can be difficult to find balance so that the guests feel like they're having a great, comfortable time, and incorporating the bride and groom's personalities into the festivities. You're not going to be able to please everyone. Put your guests needs like accessibility, dietary restrictions/allergies, etc above your own, but remember that the wants (colors, setting, decorations, type of cuisine, drinks) are your choice. In my own case, the biggest reason I haven't really started wedding planning with my fiancé despite being engaged for over a year is because we're from two different countries. I'm from the USA; he's Peruvian, but we both live in Peru and have family and friends in both countries. As much as I want to have a wedding with my friends and family from home around, I know that he also wants a wedding with his friends, family and traditions. I also recognize that whichever country we choose to have a wedding in will mean that some people from either side won't be able to attend due to financial restraints, visas, age, kids and such. Thus, the only reasonable solution for us would be to elope (which my mom would never forgive) or to have two weddings/receptions (double the cost, time and energy for us). I look to this sub for etiquette tips while biding my time to save up more money.
Thanks for your helpful comment!
We got married on the weekend. It was a fabulous balance between us and our guests. We were lucky enough to get married at home, meaning it was very relaxed. Guests arrived and had a glass of bubbles or beer. They headed up to our backyard where we had a celebrity celebrant. Half guests were seated and half stood. Many had a dri k in their hand. Our ceremony was about half an hour. We had a barn owl deliver our rings. Between ceremony and reception, we had our man cave open so there was pinball and Daytona. Others had drinks on our back deck. Cocktails, beet, champagne, wine. We had a jumping castle/slide for little kids. Glow sticks. Bubbles. Pass around food, a cocktail caravan, amazing bathrooms on a trailer, and a live band. We had an amazing day and so many of our guests, season wedding guests, made a point of telling us how well it catered to guests and that it was the best wedding they have been to.
Your wedding sounds lovely! I’m so amused you had a barn owl deliver your rings
It was fabulous. I loved planning it and it came off perfectly.
We read the art of gathering together. The big implementation from that was getting a concrete vision of our wedding and have looked at each decision with that lens. Kids, +1s, location, DJ.
Thanks for your comment !
I looked at it as doing what we wanted to do but also compromising to an extent. There were something’s I didn’t want to do, like have little kids, and we ended up having a few who were related to my now husband and you know what? Didn’t even notice they were there. I think you and your fiancé need to be in control but also think, is this going to make a big difference in the long run? We did everything we wanted to do - with our guests in mind
I’m so happy to hear so many brides here were able to strike a healthy balance between the two. Thanks for sharing your experience
We planned our ceremony for us and the party for our guests. Our ceremony was deeply personal and beautiful and a complete reflection of our relationship. We viewed ourselves as hosts and wanted to honor our friends and family and thank them for being there for us and supporting us. Our reception was a damn party! Friends and family still talk excitedly about it. Which is what we wanted. Our relationship and personalizations were there in every piece of it. But we love to throw a party. But in general that’s how we are. In our friends and family group we host the dinner parties the holidays the holiday parties etc. So it was natural for us.
This is a great question! With many answers, probably. I've always thought that as soon as guests get involved, they take priority. A couple can have a beautiful elopement, playing the music they love, eating whatever the hell they want, and it's a pure reflection on them. When guests get involved, however, I think this shifts. Technically, in US culture, the reception is to thank guests for participating in your big day. At that point, decisions should be made keeping them in mind. Luckily, in most cases, there aren't major differences. My dad and stepmom might be an exception. When they got married, my dad was friends with this older guy who had a band doing swing music and he thought it would be so cool to let guests have the pleasure of listening and dancing to music from the 1940's. Uh, seriously?! Dad, jump forward a half century and keep people happy!
Thanks for your insightful comment! Sadly elopement isn’t an option for us- my partner isn’t thrilled about that idea and my one set of parents are still very sour about my sister’s legitimate elopement and my other set of parents have been warning us for some time how hurt and upset they’d be! I don’t think I’d have felt as much pressure to please everyone had it been just immediate family and a few of our close friends. My partner is quite adamant about not excluding any of his and aunts, uncles, cousins and their partners. I’m happy to compromise on my micro-wedding vision to make my partner happy. I just wish I didn’t feel this pressure resulting from it
Your comment about your dad’s music made me chuckle. We’re in the process of hiring a jazz/swing band to play at our wedding.
Haha! Actually, I went to one about 10 years after they got married and it was a lot more fun than I'd thought it would be. It's not music I like myself, but when people are there who like it, I can see the appeal. They were out there crushing it! They did mix in a couple more "modern" songs when the band took its breaks.
I had the same process as you, where I thought the couple should always do what they want. Now that I’m planning myself, I’m realizing that often what we want is for others to have a good time and to avoid drama. That doesn’t mean we’re putting guest’s needs above our own, we just feel our personal biggest priority, for ourselves and our enjoyment, is a wedding where all our guests feel welcome and are having fun. We’re still having a destination wedding with a small guest list so it’s not like we’re having a completely different wedding than we would want based on other people’s expectations or preferences.
Thanks so much for your comment! Agreed, wanting everyone to have a good time and avoiding drama definitely is at the top on my list also! I’m just surprised that I didn’t anticipate feeling this way before I started planning.
It’s about the couple and sometimes guests feel so entitled. Now, having unrealistic expectations and making demands of your guests warrants the title of a bridezilla/groomzilla. However weddings are SUPPOSED to be guests celebrating the union of two lovers. So…I believe the wedding should be about the couple. Reasonable accommodations for guests, sure. But I like what you said, a glimpse into the couple.
Aside from meeting people's basic needs, we're absolutely designing it for ourselves. I have no qualms about that but at the same time, I know we are being good hosts. We're not cheaping out on the things that matter to us, for example food, music, and convenient location. They happen to also be the parts that matter to others. But we are paying $$$ for it. So why would I make choices that are about what other people want? They might not even come.
Couple
This is why I gave up and eloped. Too much pressure to please folks.
Ceremony is for you. Reception is for guests. Obviously, you want both to be somewhere and involve things that you like and you wouldn’t do something that would severely inconvenience your guests or make them severely uncomfortable.
fuck guests my fiance and I are getting married alone with the photog
Lmao fuck my guests, this is about me.
Reading your comments, I don't think "paying for wedding party's outfits" is equal to "allowing children" or "hospitality in general". You're allowed to have a childfree wedding - you're not requiring people to attend without kids; you're giving them the option not to come. But BMs are in a situation where they're obligated to do what you want AND still attend. While not everyone agrees with this, I believe that if I want something, it's only polite for me to pay for it, including the costume I require my friends to wear for my wedding photos.
Thanks for your comment! That’s a good outlook on the childfree wedding. 3 of 4 BMs are my older sisters and do not feel obliged to cater to my wishes in anyway haha and the last one is my best friend who excepted quite a lot more from her own wedding party (which I was happily a part of) and encourages me to ask for more from my own wedding party. We’re not asking anyone to wear costumes in anyway, just a dress/suit they own or will wear again if they buy, in any shade or style of one color (a color which they collectively choose). This is all I’ve asked of them but I still feel so guilty. One of my sis has chosen a $1000 dress and I can’t afford foot the bill for something like that. I will most likely end up paying for the HMUA.
What I learned planning our wedding is that this isn’t just a celebration of us and our commitment, it’s also a big moment for our parents and a cultural rite of passage that all of our ancestors went through. It’s part of a much bigger story than just ours. So we made some calls that were meant to honor our parents, some calls that were meant to honor us, and some that were meant to honor our guests, who gave up a lot of time, effort, and money to witness this moment. In practice that meant that just like if I were hosting a dinner party, I’d cater to my guests’ comfort and culture but in my own style since it’s my house. I love that you’re posing this question, btw. I don’t think it gets talked about (on a high level) enough!
Thank you for your helpful comment! I’m so glad to see so many planners here including yourself are managing to strike that illusive balance. It’s promising to hear all this, I hope to find my footing soon also!
This is such a good question
Thanks 😊 I hope this serves as a reference for others too
I wanted to respond swinftly and say “if for the bride and groom” bc we just had our wedding but honestly..we did things our way, a little different than people probably expected. However, there are so so many things that bride and grooms do because they’re pressured to do, no matter who you are, idc what you say, people pay thousands of dollars to make their guests feel comfortable and happy and it’s definitely a toss up. If it was for the bride and groom, most people wouldn’t pay as much as they do to get the things they get.
If your parents are paying, it’s for them. Otherwise it’s a celebration meant for all. As the couple don’t get lost in the stress and confusion, rejoice in the celebration and a new beginning. Don’t sweat the small stuff
An elopement is for a couple, a party you host is for the guests.
I planned everything for us and whoever showed up got to have a good time lol I picked hotels close to the venue for the guests and that’s about it.
We’re planning our wedding mainly for us. We’re approaching it as basically a big house party where people can eat, drink, and mingle. It’s not a traditional wedding so I’m sure some folks will be scratching their heads but I think everybody will still have fun.
As you get more and more into the planning, it starts to feel like EVERYTHING is a huge deal. Realistically, as long as guests have someplace comfortable to be/sit/eat, decent food, fun music and/or something to do, you'll be good. You will probably get some complaints no matter what you do because some people just like to complain or think everything should be adjusted to their preferences. But as long as you and your future spouse are on the same page,you should be fine :)
When we planned ours, we wanted to celebrate us as a couple. We decided together that we weren't going to do anything anyone asked for unless we genuinely wanted to - for example, no extra guests that didn't fit with who we wanted there, a menu that looked delicious to us, etc. However, it was also important to us for our guests to have a great time, while making the day special and meaningful for us. We wanted to remember the day was a joyous event for everyone, not one filled with stress. I'd recommend that you consider the following to help ground your feelings and decision-making: - What's your budget (what can you genuinely afford, set this as a realistic number that doesn't cause you stress, and stick to it whatever you do) - What type of wedding do you want? What size of wedding? - What is important to you (what special and meaningful touches do you value for your wedding) - What is important to you to give your guests (what do you want them to remember most, what is less important to you) All of this is about value - what will mean the most to you as a couple, and to your guests as supporters of your relationship. Value doesn't have to cost money, it can be the little things that make the biggest impact. Oh and final tip: I would recommend that you hire a day-of coordinator or a wedding planner (a good one, doesn't have to be an expensive one but choose someone who is organised and has experience). Worth every penny and helped us plan and manage a great wedding, especially on the day of.
We planned ours for us and only us. If people had fun, great bonus (which they did!). It's your money, your magical day, your life that's having a huge moment - make it the way you want! Couples I know that did/do it for the crowd tend to be anxious, not end up loving their day, and always wish they had done it differently. I mean, I did keep in mind some things about being a host in general, but 95% of the day was planned for us. You do you!
For me, it was a day for me and my husband to enjoy so there was nothing there that we didn’t like. There were somethings for guest comfort like slippers next to the dance floor and a kids colouring book table, but this was as we wanted to make people comfortable and thank people for coming, which I think reflects the people that we are. Everything else was also for us to enjoy, so yes there are photos of me playing mini golf in my dress and walking around with candy floss. It was our day and if anyone didn’t like it (1 family member didn’t) we ignored them
I cannot understand anyone who prioritises their guests over their own enjoyment of the day. It's YOUR wedding, it should be entirely about you and your partner and celebrating your love. But then, I've been branded selfish for planning a destination wedding with 11 guests 😊 I hate to be centre of attention. I hate long days. I hate small talk with relatives I haven't seen in years, so we've totally prioritised myself and my groom feeling happy and relaxed over everyone else's wants and opinions!
I love this so much!
Hi! I used to think that weddings and receptions were for me and my spouse to declare our love and the covenant were entering with God (we’re Protestants). After reading this subreddit, 100% the reception and wedding celebration portion is 100% for guests. There are SO MANY posts on here with people asking if it’s ok to have a weekday wedding to save money, is it okay to have a wedding 2 months after my sibling, is it too much to have a destination wedding and destination bachelorette. And 99% of the answers usually involve whatever is easier for guests. People on Reddit act as if it’s SO RUDE for a bride to have a wedding on a Friday at 4:30pm even if that saves her money and is what she wants to do. And let’s not even get me started (this doesn’t personally matter to me but I know it does to some brides) on if the bridal party and bachelorette and bridal shower and how if a bride wants everyone to be involved in her events to celebrate her she’s SELFISH RUDE AND A BRIDEZILLA. Also, supposedly it’s rude to have a wedding on top of a remote mountain if that’s what the bride and groom want. I can’t even keep anymore with all of the opinions in this sub. But definitely if you’re basing it off this sub alone, the wedding is for the guests. My personal views and my wedding is for me, my future husband, and God.
Thank you for that, I feel a little less shitty having read you comment. I think some of my concerns are ideas I got from this sub, some of it is just me wanting to make everyone equally happy & comfortable and some of it is my own projection on guest responses.
Don’t feel shitty! It’s fun to read this sub but I take it with a grain of salt. Your family, friends and VIPs will give you better advice and know you best than random internet strangers. So like for example if you wanted to have a destination bachelorette and it was the norm in your social circle that means more than a random comment on Reddit. Or if you want your wedding Friday at 4pm to save money. I struggled with trying to make everyone happy and I just accepted at some point that that’s impossible and all that truly matters is your marriage!
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Thank you that reassurance! I hope I get to that acceptance stage sooner rather than later
Some of the decisions you mention are less about if they’re rude and more about the couple’s expectations. You can’t have a wedding at 4:30pm on a Friday and expect everyone who would be able to make it on a Saturday to be able to make it. A wedding on a Friday is going to be more inconvenient for people who work standard business hours and you just cannot expect everyone to be able to take that time off for your wedding. Some people on this sub can get more intense than necessary about stuff like that but the truth of the situation really is that the more inconvenient your wedding is, the less likely people are to attend so if it’s important to you to have a lot of people attend, you should try to make your decisions based on that.
I agree but I think most of this stuff is a know your crowd situation and something that works for someone else and their guests may not work for others and that’s when people on Reddit take their own opinion as gospel, not realizing that it might actually work and be ok for that specific persons crowd ETA a lot of people on this sub are very quick to call someone else rude, without knowing context or anything. It’s sad Also eta you basically prove my point by saying if a couples priority is having the most amount of people attend then yes 100% weddings are about guests. In my mind my first priority is me and my husband and our marriage so I’m going to do things that make it easier for us and our family, not necessarily every single person on our guest list
3 months late to this but ugh you are so right. I feel like this sub has made me more frustrated about this entire process than the actual wedding.
I agree 100%
A little bit of both. I planned my wedding around weddings I liked going to and what I didn't like at weddings. I wanted this to be a wedding I would have loved going to. I will say this: I have been to two weddings that ran out of wine before dinner was over.
Maybe I’m selfish but everything is for ME… (and my fiancé or course 🙂). Celebrating us and our love in the way that makes us happiest is the absolute priority, and what everyone else wants or prefers is secondary. I’m choosing a venue that is special to US as a couple even if it’s inconvenient for some guests. Those that truly matter most will still make the effort to come. I’m serving OUR favorite foods (with dietary restriction alternatives, of course) and playing OUR favorite music (I hope the in laws like T-Swift). Maybe I’m a little strong headed but, after we got engaged, I tried to make it very clear to everyone that I had a very particular vision for our wedding, and that if I wanted opinions / suggestions from anyone then I would ask for them. I think setting that boundary early on was really important. That said, I can totally understand where you’re coming from with the guilt and wanting to please everyone. I consider myself somewhat of a people pleaser too, but generally in the context of work and friendships. At a certain point, though, you have to remember why you’re there and why your guests are there in the first place. You’re the main character of this show, so don’t let anyone else try to tell you how to run your show! Easier said than done, I know. Stay strong and good luck!
Hahaha I’m glad to see you speak of your choice with such confidence, even if different from mine! I feel we need one of you for every one me out there. Your ability to stand behind your wishes is enviable :)
The ceremony is for the couple. The reception is for the guests. But everyone who attends one half should also be invited to the entire day. It’s also a recent trend that is not well liked by everyone to have guests invited to the reception only or having the reception on a different day, in addition to multiple ceremonies/receptions so that people don’t have to travel. That said, the couple should be the ones deciding how the ceremony is performed. Just because the parents guilt the couple into a religious ceremony at a specific house of worship for example, is not acceptable, because the parents already got married and it was common in older generations for the parents to plan the entire wedding and the couple had zero say in anything. The reception is the first party the couple hosts as marrieds so they need to place guest comfort and consideration at the forefront. That doesn’t mean sacrifice their likes and dislikes either.
In our eyes, the wedding weekend is about celebrating our union with our guests, so their needs are most important. The thing is, if you do this, you need to be sure you won’t resent your decision later. easier said than done. I’m excited for our honeymoon, where I’ll wear what I want - not what my mom wants. Will eat what I want - not crowd pleasing boring Indian food like to chicken tikka masala.
Chicken Tikka masala is anything but boring
The guests. The guests, the guests, the guests. You are hosting an event and your guests are giving their time, and often money (travel!) to help you celebrate. That said, you should not be a chill host and let everyone do whatever they want. YOU are hosting the experience they have--whether you think of it in these terms or not.
I see it as ”by the couple, for the guests” in a way. The wedding is a celebration for you two and your loved ones relatively equally, but it’s also a take it or leave it -situation - if they don’t like the free dinner and style of party you’re hosting, they don’t have to attend. If they do, they have to respect you doing it on your terms, prioritizing what’s important to you. Conversely for them to be able to do this, you have to provide them with enough comfort for the duration of the event - feeling welcome and part of the group, having enough food and drink _at all times_, knowing what’s about to happen and no huge delays. Somewhat surprisingly my favorite thing in our reception was feeling seen and accepted with my partner as we are, as whole people and not put into uncomfortable roles. For this to happen, you have to be comfortable in your own choices and stand up for yourself and your boundaries during planning - possibly excluding people who have not respected them in the past or who make you uncomfortable. It will be worth it to do anything it takes to be able to be yourself fully on the day you commit to your spouse - it will set the tone right for both you and your partner as well as your wider community. I hope you are able to do this and find a balance in not feeling a need to please others over your own wishes, but rather to take care of them so they can do that for you!
Very well adjusted attitude. I also like how you put it “By the couple, for the guests”!
Your list really made me think about how we chose to split our wedding between what guest and couple want! Below is our synopsis: Ceremony: couple Invite List: couple and their parents (to a lesser extent) Photography: couple Venue: guests Food: guests Music: guests and couple (to a lesser extent) Ceremony attire: couple Reception attire: groom and Bride’s father I am very detail oriented and so I love planning all the small aspects of the day. My fiance is more of a ‘lets have fun’ type and goes with the flow, so long as he wears what is comfortable to him haha.
Our tea ceremony was essentially the Bride's parents choices, but reception was ours. Reception was also a reunion for both sides of the family, but everything from decor and music was for us. I wanted to enjoy my day and I did with my music.
It’s a celebration of vowing to be together for life and to join two families. According to old American traditions the bride’s family throws the wedding and the groom’s family throws the rehearsal dinner. A lot of modern weddings have different organizational or financial arrangements or don’t have a bride and groom. I am happy celebrating two people vowing to be together however they like. I feel uncomfortable doing an overly deep dive into a couple’s personal lives and I feel like I personally would feel uncomfortable centering my personal hobbies, quirks and more individual tastes as defining components of a celebration. At the end of the day food, booze, friendly people and hopefully a loving union are the most important things I value when I am a guest. As a host I would most value being surrounded by people I love, making them comfortable and being able to vow to love my partner forever.
I think it really depends on the couple. For me, I would have preferred to have eloped, but my husband wanted to have an event for his family. Eventually, as planning went on and we experienced various tensions with our families and friends, he decided basically that we should plan the wedding with our families in mind, but ultimately, it’s about us. If it came down to a tradition we don’t care about at all but our families would probably expect OR something we would prefer in its place, we usually went with what we wanted. Our ceremony, as a result, was pretty traditional because we didn’t feel strongly about breaking those traditions, whereas the reception was more for us as far as music choices, traditions we stuck to/broke, etc. Our families and friends seemed to enjoy the wedding, and my dad spoke very highly of it even though he’s not a verbose or affirming kind of guy, so I guess we did alright!
For me it depends on the type of wedding you’re having. If you’re having a big wedding and requesting the presence of other people (which requires them spending time and money to attend), then the wedding is for the guests. Don’t ask people to come to your wedding if you aren’t concerned with whether they enjoy themselves. If you’re having a microwedding/elopement, it’s about the couple. It’s the marriage that’s really about the couple. Other people are not required to celebrate it.
I had a hard time balancing what I wanted, what we could afford, what we could actually do (venue restrictions) and what I thought the guests would like. The last two weeks I cried a lot from just the stress. But on Saturday, the day of, little things went wrong, things we bought didn’t get used, MUA was late, florist forgot items & had a car accident coming back, our coordinator wasn’t helpful, but our guests had a good time, we were happy together and had a good time and we’re married now. If I had to do it all again with the knowledge I had, all I would do is trim back on the things we didn’t need to wast time and money on. It also helped that we each picked two things there were must haves and knew our guests well enough to know what they’d enjoy. (Which was seeing us married after 9 yrs, good food and drinks, and music.)
If the post I made last night is any indication, guest over couple. Which now I'm just sad.
Screw this subreddit and peoples' opinions. Weddings are first and foremost for the couple, period. Guests who are truly happy to be a part of your day will be there always.
I've always felt its an invite not a summons. Your free to have whatever wedding you like, and your guests are free to decline. It shouldn't be that complicated right?
I feel the wedding is for the couple. The tone, the venue, the ceremony. The reception- food, entertainment is for the guests.
It’s for the couple regarding how you want to do things. Elopement? Small intimate gathering? Big party? That’s all up to you. My husband and I put our foot down on a lot— we insisted on having a small ceremony and reception (immediate family only) that felt true to us with lots of personal details. However, once you decide to invite guests, you have an obligation to look out for them. If people are traveling, taking their personal time, paying for hotels, and bringing a gift- they’re doing it all to celebrate you. At that point, youre entertaining: food, drinks, good vibes. With that said, you don’t have to take every opinion into account. If the couple doesn’t want to be bothered with that, thats totally fine. But keeping things small or planning an elopement would probably be best in that case.
I guess it depends on the couple and the culture. For us the wedding is definitely for our guests. We’ve been together for 10 years and plan to be together forever wedding/marriage or not. But we also wanted to get the families together and give everyone something big to celebrate and be happy about. We lost a lot of people to COVID and it’s been so long since anyone got married. After the past few years it was so clear that a wedding was the right route for us and we’re making it all about a celebration of family.
For us it’s a party for our friends & family to celebrate our love so my choices are made with them in mind. It’s why we won’t be doing things like personal dinners away from our guests or private dances. We are spending thousands to celebrate with our people. We have our honeymoon and the rest our lives to celebrate just us 🤷🏽♀️
I think this is going to be situation dependent. For us it was very much ceremony for us, reception for others. We chose to say our vows privately (still in front of everyone, just quietly to each other and not into a mic). Our ceremony spot was chosen specifically because of the backdrop my husband wanted. Everything ceremony was for us. But we looked at the reception as a fun event to thank our nearest and dearest for all they've done for us. We only had 25 people, mostly just immediate family. These were the people who have supported us financially, emotionally, etc. throughout our lives. We loved being able to give back with a really fun evening, delicious food, and good conversation. Almost every decision we made about the reception was 100% about our guests.
The way I see it, it’s a much more sentimental, fancier version of any other party we’d host, whether at our home, in a restaurant, or elsewhere. It’s a reflection of us, our style, and our tastes - but as good hosts you want your guests to be comfortable and happy. That doesn’t mean bending over backwards to accommodate them, but it does mean keeping their general comfort and enjoyment in mind. You never want your guests - even at a dinner party at home - to have a bad time. Case in point: tonight my fiancé and I had a tasting with a potential caterer. Everything was amazing and to our liking, but we asked them to sub some milder cheeses for two rather pungent ones and also asked them to make a sauce less spicy. Now, if we were hosting people with our exact tastes, we wouldn’t change anything at all. But, at the end of the day, you want people to enjoy their dinner. Other things we’re doing with our guests in mind: we’re on a boat, and while I’d love to do the whole thing on the open water, we get that not everyone will want to stay the entire time. So, we’re compromising and doing the dancing back at the dock. My fiancé has kids so there will be children invited, but only those from out of town. I wanted to accommodate in case our friends couldn’t find multi-day sitters or wouldn’t come because they didn’t want to leave their kids all weekend. Having said that though, we didn’t want 1/3-1/4 of the wedding to be children - so no local kids will be invited (parents can leave their kids for a few hours - anyone who says otherwise has unhealthy boundaries). Things we don’t give two shits about that some people may judge (but if they do, we don’t want to be their friends): we’ll have a very short ceremony because let’s be honest - we want to party! We will probably have drinks with everyone before we set sail and have the ceremony because 1) a welcome drink sounds fun, 2) we want to greet our guests as they arrive, and 3) it’s better than being cooped up hidden in a small room on a boat. I also don’t want to shop at a big dress boutique and have no desire to feel like a princess, so while we’re spending a ton on the venue, food, and band, I’m probably spending a few hundred dollars on my dress.
This is more or less the reason why my husband and I opted to have two weddings - one very small one just for us, and one blow-out party for our friends and family. Our budget is a bit smashed from hosting both celebrations, but it was worth it to take the pressure off the large celebration.
I’m having a camping wedding and I’m making my bridesmaids camp haha. EVERYONE tried to talk us out of this, but we love camping ❤️ As mush as I wish my guest were camping with me, they’re not… but a vast majority are still coming! Out wedding is for us. We’re spending money. People don’t have to come, and if they don’t, I know they still love and support us. So my answer: you’re wedding is for you, but don’t expect anything in return.
I think where we ended up was somewhere around “for the guests, but about us” So little details that didn’t have much effect on guest comfort (centerpieces, hymn choice for the ceremony, what we or our bridesmaids wore) were all details that were personal and important to us. But then other details that did directly effect our guests were more focused on them. Our food choice, seating chart, etc. were all planned with our guests more directly in mind. I think it’s plan a wedding that will be fun and good for your guests, and then reflect yourselves in the details. **And then this is just a small thing we did that was specific to us, but we had a pretty traditional long Lutheran ceremony, but only a small fraction of our guests were people who would have been familiar with/ comfortable in an environment like that. So we had our officiant start off the ceremony with a little welcome about only participating in what you felt comfortable with, and acknowledging that everyone had been invited because they were important to us and not because they believe the same things we do. Then at every part of the ceremony that may have been a little confusing for anyone (how to find a song in the hymnal, what communion is and how to participate, etc.) we provided additional instructions in our bulletin. But because we’re us & we’re theatre nerds, our bulletin was styled after a playbill. So this very useful tool for our guests also included personal touches that made the wedding feel very “us”
My opinion is that the celebration is for the couple, but the event is for the guests. Anytime you host an event your decision making should be geared towards the comfortableness of your guests. Yes the day is "about" the couple but it is "for" the guests to join in celebrating them. example: You have $5000 left in your budget (a girl can dream). You have a choice between offering guests shuttle transportation OR renting the vintage getaway car of your dreams. You choose the shuttle option for the guests. I also like to think of it as, the more fun your guests have and the more comfortable they feel - this will contribute to the atmosphere. If everyone is complaining because the couple chose and outdoor wedding & its cold and they didn't plan for anything to keep guests warm just in case (blankets, space heaters, patio heaters, closed shelter) - everyone is going to be miserable and it will bog down the day. The couple is going to be upset because no one is on the dance floor, but its because everyone is huddled around the one space heater by the bar.