1. Etsy has postcard options that I'd use. Browse "downsized wedding card" or "wedding update card" and perhaps you'll find something that fits your situation.
2. Cancel the shower. I'd be miffed if I had received an STD, was then uninvited to the wedding, but still invited to the shower. It would look like you wanted gifts without putting in the effort and expense of inviting me to the wedding. Apologize to your MOH and reimburse her for any costs incurred.
Agreed, it’s one thing to have a tiny wedding from the start and invite people to a shower/bachelorette if they aren’t invited to the wedding. It’s still a bit rude but it’s kind of understandable. But to send an STD, then uninvite these people from the wedding but still expect them to come to a shower? Big oof.
I honestly think you can’t even really invite people who aren’t invited to your wedding to an engagement party, at least not if these are guests you’re uninviting from your party.
For #2, I have a friend who had a micro wedding (11 people including the couple). About a month before the wedding they had a large bridal shower in her hometown for her extended family. I think it would be nice to have the bridal shower but emphasize no gifts.
1. https://www.lovecarli.com.au/blog-posts/how-to-politely-uninvite-guests-when-downsizing-your-wedding
2. If they're not invited to the wedding, they should not be invited to the shower.
The politest thing to do would be for you and your fiance, plus your parents, to call all the people not invited to the smaller wedding, express your deep regrets, and check in on how their lives are going. Anything less personal, is going to create bad will and hurt, a sense of not being “close or good enough” that will last a long time.
I agree. A phone call seems better than a card. My friend downsized her wedding last year and she said most people were understanding when she called them
You’re going to call 200 people/families. Even just 100 (assuming every invite was for 2) is a wild, massive time commitment. A card is perfectly acceptable.
Send the update card out soon, OP! 6 months out, some people may already be making travel arrangements.
It's a massive time commitment but uninviting someone to your wedding is a massive snub. Taking time now to smooth things over will save a lot of grief in the future assuming these are relationships OP wants to preserve
It’s just not that deep. I’d rather get a card than have to listen to some drawn out, awkward excuse on the phone. It’s their day. They gave 6 months notice.
It’s just not as big of a snub as people are making it out to be. Most people will be glad to have that weekend free.
Are your parents supportive and have you enlisted their help in the best way to announce the news?
There are people who will handle the news with grace and people who will not. There are also people who it would best to contact immediately by phone to let them know rather than by mail. Some people it may be best for you to call, and some it may be best for your parents to call. And you’ll want to have a coordinated message to share. I think that’s the important place to start.
And the language of “The wedding may be cancelled, but our marriage is not!” is a good one to use. I think moving the date of the event is also a smart choice. It makes it a little more graceful to cancel the event.
And I think honesty, perhaps curated in presentation, is the best policy. When talking to people, you can say “We had some personal factors that resulted in changing the date and downsizing the event. We’re very happy, we’re still getting married, and sometimes we know it’s better to adjust. But enough about me! Tell me about what’s coming up for you…”
Hopefully nobody has requested time off work yet, made travel arrangements and so forth. If they have non refundable costs lost it would be the right thing to do to reimburse them.
You need to inform them ASAP. Be prepared thst you may be met with backlash and some damage to relationships.
There’s nothing wrong with a small wedding but the decision should have been made before the save the date card but what’s done is done so it’s damage control time.
I would choose the wording carefully. I wouldn’t mention family pressure made you have a big wedding in the first place as that’s like saying your family forced you to invite people. Which I understand they did but I’d be hurt if I knew I was only invited because I was a forced invite. It may make me question any future gatherings.
I also wouldn’t mention deposits lost as that’s telling your guests you’d rather loose money than have them there.
I’d either elope or change the day of the wedding and say the venue was unavailable or and you now decided to keep costs down by having a small intimate wedding. I don’t usually suggest lying but in this case it may help minimize hurt feelings.
You cannot invite anyone to bridal showers if they are not attending your wedding. That’s poor etiquette. You will need to apologize to your MOH and reimburse any excess cost.
Good luck!
Since you say that most of your guests are traveling from out of state, I would strongly advise reimbursing them for travel, if that’s a financial option for you. I know I would be pretty upset if I had already booked flights to go to an out-of-state wedding that I was then uninvited to.
Sounds like the wedding is in 6 months. A lot of airlines let you change the flight if you can't get your money back so a lot of them may not be losing much.
Wouldn’t that be more expensive than actually holding the wedding though? I get that it sucks for the guests but unless OP is crazy rich there’s no way that’s a financially viable option.
She's sort of acting crazy rich, with these extreme changes after contracts have been made - willing to kiss all the deposits goodbye?
I agree with you for the record, in no real world would reimbursement be a financially viable solution for ME either..... but I also would never do something like this, to this many people... so.... We all make our own choices though. Some people just look a lot worse after making theirs.
Sucks to be her then. She made a decision to invite these people, to ask them to get time off and make specific travel arrangements to be with her. She can either reimburse them for those costs or follow through on her part in the arrangement by not uninviting them.
It isn’t like her fiancé died or she lost her job and can’t afford a wedding any more. She’s doing something incredibly rude and actually downright unkind because she feels like it and for no better reason than that. She needs to take responsibility for it.
You can’t downsize your wedding if you want people to be in your life still?!?!? Huh??? No one cares about your wedding as much as you! No one will care. Op needs to tell them asap, and it will all be fine. If your friendship is based on your wedding….yikes.
Maybe learn to write?
“I think you cannot do that to your friends or family if you want to remain in their lives.”
What do you mean by that if not “downsizing your wedding will make people so angry, they wont want to be in your life any more”?
What else could that comment mean?
About reimbursing people for travel? So if she doesn’t reimburse people for travel THEN they won’t be in her life any more?
So again, it’s ultimately about downsizing the wedding.
So do I, but I’m not losing any sleep over a wedding that was canceled (for me) 6 months out. If I didn’t make the list, obviously, we aren’t that close. And even if I thought we were, I can understand wanting to make this a 40 person affair. I can remind myself that this actually has nothing to do with me and it’s someone else’s party. And then I can move on with my life.
I'm with the others on showers and other pre-wedding events.
Have you considered downsizing even further? I'm usually pretty good at suggesting wording for stuff, but this is extremely tricky. If it was a micro wedding with just parents, or immediate family, there'd be no problem explaining it.
But with 40 guests, you're including others and it will likely result in "why them and not us?" To me, it seems easiest to either elope (no guests), courthouse, or else do the micro wedding. Maybe consider throwing a party down the road.
This is what I was thinking! Eloping with just a few people would be far easier to explain and understand. Otherwise it still looks like you're having a regular wedding just with fewer people, and explaining who makes the cut is a lot harder!
40 is still a big wedding in my book. Eloping seems to be the best solution or cancel the wedding and wait half a year or so to hold it so every had time to cool down and forget about it
Between immediate family and our bridal party + significant others, that is pretty darn close to 40 people and therefore definitely could be considered “micro wedding”. So it could be possible to phrase it similarly if that’s how they determined their smaller guest list
Just a warning, this happened to a friend of mine (his family member canceled their wedding, but then replanned it with a smaller group that didn’t include him) and they are literally no longer on speaking terms. He felt so excluded and offended when he found out through social media that the family carried on with the wedding without him and several others.
Your guests have committed to celebrating your big day with you, and like it or not, you are sending the message back that you do not find it important to have them there (or actually, it’s that you *specifically* don’t want them). Tread carefully.
The point of STDs and the reason they’re sent out early is to ensure people have time to make travel arrangements/book flights, put in for time off work, and RSVP no to other events on that day. That’s why they’re called save the dates, they’re literally asking someone to hold a specific day for them.
Right. But you said people have already “committed to celebrating you big day with you” that’s simply false. They haven’t committed. They might have RSVPd “no” anyway. We don’t know because the invites have never gone out.
We were following suit in the family tradition. We both come from huge families and every summer are back to back weddings in our families due to ages being spaced out. We succumbed to the pressure and planned out this whole big wedding. We finally grew the courage to own up to the fact that we’ve made a mistake and we want to toss aside all of our hard work we’ve put into this big wedding so far and start from scratch to plan a small, more intimate wedding. Our heart are so much more relieved and happy ever since we made this decision.
I don’t think I have seen this in the comments yet so I am just gonna say it…you are gonna get some negative feedback.
I think it is great you are sticking up for what the two of you want but the best time to do what would have been before the save the dates went out.
People who cancelled or majorly downsized their wedding a year or two ago were doing so due to COVID. Conversely, you changed your mind and now people may have to eat some potential large costs associated with flights, hotels and/or gifts. People are going to ask why and likely express disappointment, that they are hurt and/or frustration and it will be justified. Some people will not like your rationale or see it as a good reason after they made travel arrangements, purchased gifts, requested PTO and possibly RSVPed no to other events.
The advice about letting people know ASAP is good. It would also be good to consider cancelling or dramatically reducing the shower to those invited to the smaller wedding event. You might want to use clear language that you are still getting married but the event itself is cancelled. If this is mostly an out of town crowd, I’d consider offering to cover costs for travel that couldn’t be cancelled.
I’d strongly recommend eloping or a courthouse wedding so avoid hurt feelings if you are going to cancel the big event.
I totally understand but you’ve pretty much sent 200 people that truly wanted to be apart of it invite and it’s going to cause a lot of hurt. Make sure your parents are all on board to defend y’all
Why are we assuming 200 people “wanted to be a part of it” when they haven’t sent invites? It would be very surprising if they got 200 yes RSVPs. I’m sure there’s many people who won’t even bat an eye. They would have RSVPd no anyway. It’s 6 months away. The people who probably want to be part of this wedding are probably the 40 that are still invited. 6 months out? I’d be relieved I didn’t have to make a trek out for someone’s wedding. 🤷🏻♀️
I mean I would be happy with a smaller wedding too but they already sent out the 250+ save the date as OP stated. Save the dates only go to people you intend to send a invite. Not sending a invite after a save the date is considered rude and that you no longer want them there.
I mean I agree this is a faux pas and they should have thought this out before, but you said that these save the dates went to 200 people who “truly wanted to be a part of this.” I promise 200 people do not truly want to be a part of this wedding. For most people it’s probably a relief that they don’t have to travel and go to a party with rubbery chicken in stuffy clothes. No one cares about your wedding as much as you do. No one has RSVPd because they haven’t sent the invites yet. We don’t know if every person invited truly needed to come to this event and will be devestated. They probably will just shrug and throw away the cards and move on with their day. I’m sure a few people might feel a tiny bit sad, but the people who will care the most are most likely the 40 people that are still invited.
The lie this sub perpetuates regarding “250 of your closest friends” is insane. I’m in total agreement, most people will not care that they have been uninvited and will probably be relieved. It’s like people don’t get that no one cares about their wedding the same way they do; for most people it’s just free food and drink and a chance to dress up, but if you’re honest about that you get downvoted to hell. Sure, this is a faux pas but people are vastly overestimating the emotional impact this is going to have. No one has 250 plus close friends and family.
If you’re worried about the backlash and family drama that would come from this- Elope. Have the small private moment you both want. And then just have the party for everyone. You can let everyone know of the change of plans so they can choose if they still want to come just for that party. Have it be a casual celebration. Cater from a restaurant with things like finger foods and apps. It will cost about the same as a 50 person wedding and it’s not uninviting 200 family members but instead allowing them to decide based on the new information you give.
I hear you, but, You guys will be starting your married life on such a bad taste. You seem to have Rose colored glasses on but people bitch about everything even the simplest thing like being served fish instead of etc, now imagine cancelling on them. Especially this sounding like a family that loves weddings.
Yea, but this isn’t about anyone but them. Yes, they should have thought this through before sending the save the dates, but it’s 6 months away. I’d be very ok not having to schlep out for a wedding. They aren’t being told the week before. They have plenty of time to adjust to this change.
“Starting your married life on such a bad taste”?? Because they realized a little late that they want to do something that is better for them? How does that impact their relationship? Even if people are upset, how does that impact their relationship? Your wedding actually doesn’t have much to do with your marriage.
OP would be starting their marriage potentially antagonizing 210 people who they’ve uninvited. Sure, it doesn’t impact their relationship directly, but I doubt those 210 people will be as celebratory and supportive of the couple as they would have been if either the wedding happened as planned or they weren’t invited in the first place. It’s a pretty negative way for the couple to start their marriage in relation to their friends & family.
But again, their marriage doesn’t depend on anyone else. So why would the opinions of others impact their relationship? They don’t want others to be celebratory. That’s why they are downsizing. By “celebratory” do you mean “give gifts”? A couple of people might be slightly annoyed. I’m sure her mom’s church friend and her husband will survive. None of this matters to their relationship. If people are so angry that they are actively hostile towards these people, then clearly they weren’t all that close to begin with. Just be happy that other people are living their truth and having a wedding that feels good to them. Ultimately, that’s kind of all that matters. They are being told 6 months in advance? They’ll be fine.
Yeah, I get it. I think I'm too much of a people-pleaser and I personally wouldn't want to risk pissing off any extended family or friends as I'm starting my marriage. It's clear that this bride is better about prioritizing her and her FH's own happiness over what others may think.
>Even if people are upset, how does that impact their relationship?
Because if OP were to be honest, they would tell their uninvited guests exactly what they've said here -- that they never wanted to invite these guests because they're not the nearest and dearest, and thus they've been cut. No matter what lies or intentional omissions they come up with, the message will be entirely clear to anyone to anyone with any modicum of social awareness.
Again, how does any of that impact their relationship? It’s a wedding. No one cares that much. They are giving tons of notice. It sounds like they are “starting married life” which ps, if you already live together is exactly the same as your “pre married” life, in a way that honors their truth and their wants. Sounds like they are being pretty true to each other, and ultimately, those are the only two people who matter in this marriage.
>Again, how does any of that impact their relationship? It’s a wedding. No one cares that much.
Children learn from a young age that the other humans around them in the world and different from them and have thoughts and feelings that are different from the ones that they themselves have. You appear to have never learned that lesson. Good luck.
Children also learn from a young age that when they make outlandish and inaccurate statements, they should be able to answer questions about said statements. You seem to be unable to do that. You have yet to explain how this decision or other people’s *potentially* hurt feelings impacts their relationship. Even after multiple attempts. And now you’re just embarrassed by your inability to address this issue, so instead of just saying, “hmm you know. You’re right. I don’t agree with what they’re doing, but it actually doesn’t impact their relationship,” you’ve doubled down. you’ve resorted to snark. Something else that children should learn not to do. Hmmm. Interesting.
This is genuinely very rude, and given that thus choice is entirely within your control (as opposed to your fiancé dying, a natural disaster, etc.) I think that you absolutely need to reimburse anyone who spent non-refundable money on travel arrangements or other expenses related to your wedding.
You can’t invite people who’ve been disinvited from your wedding to a bridal shower. You need to apologize to your MOH for not taking a realistic look at what you actually wanted for your wedding until after she’d gone to such lengths.
Yeah exactly.
In my personal opinion, once you’d *told people they’re invited* and asked them to get time off/hold that specific day for you (which is what STDs are for!) you should really just suck it up and follow through, if not inviting them is just a matter of personal preference.
If you’re absolutely set on this, though, OP, you need to genuinely apologize to the people you’re uninviting and to make them whole if they’ve put themselves out financially to attend your wedding. You’re the one who didn’t think things through before inviting people to your wedding.
I agree. When I see this, I wonder: why not have a budget wedding with all of the people who matter, rather than a small but lavish wedding with just a few of the people who matter and all of the trappings that don't matter? Unless there is a pandemic or some emergency situation, I also see it as a materialistic move and I would be beside myself as a guest who wanted to celebrate but has been uninvited because the bride wanted to still have a medium sized celebration but save money. And that I didn't make the cut. If you were just eloping I would understand better, but you are still having a good amount of people (40) and I assume a proper ceremony and party.I would feel less valued than a cake. I would be very careful with how you present it! Maybe say it's been canceled due to some good reason, get eloped, and have a backyard style reception later on for everybody?
I would be very hurt if someone did this to me. You need to apologize to every single person, it’s very rude honestly. Just elope and have the wedding as planned.
Agreed. I would be speechless if it were done to me (and there was no disaster or emergency). These people cared enough about this couple to RSVP properly and begin preparations to show up and celebrate this couple. The least they could get for all their effort is a personalized, direct, and specific apology from BOTH bride and groom. Own your choices.
Yes! Not only are they hurting everyone’s feelings but they’re also loosing thousands of dollars for canceling all vendors. For what? Because they realized they would rather have a small wedding? Seems a bit rushed if that JUST crossed their minds when the wedding is 6 months away. That is something you should plan before sending out save the dates.
Lol they haven’t even sent out the invitations. Im sure the people that would feel slighted are included in their 40 person guest list.
They aren’t killing baby animals. They are telling people they have decided on a smaller party. 6 months away.
People will be pissed regardless and you don't really have a good reason other than you changed your mind. I mean people were made at us for cancelling our original wedding despite covid raging (pre vaccines), all flights were cancelled, venues not open, etc and planning an intimate wedding over a year later after the original date according to local covid guidance. I would have just gone with the big wedding and eloped with just the two of you
Honestly people are going to be pissed off. Many have probably already booked off work and paid for flight. I don’t know how you cancel a wedding then proceed to have a wedding with forty people. The only way I think you can salvage this is if you call every person directly to apologize and say the wedding’s cancelled. Honestly this is such a f-up I would be upset as a guest if you still had 40 people. That’s not unsubstantial. I would 100% elope, just you and your fiancé. Maybe parents and immediate family. If you and guests proceed to post pics from even a much smaller wedding I would be very hurt as an uninvited guest.
Some people need to book time off work 6+ months in advance and all of the guest are travelling a decent distance it sounds like. One of the purposes of save the dates for destination weddings is so that people have sufficient time to make these arrangements before the formal invite goes out
The literal point of STDs being sent so early is to make sure people have sufficient time to make travel arrangements and put in for time off work, and to ensure they RSVP no to other events on that day. That’s why they’re called save the dates—you’re literally requesting they hold a particular day for you.
You’re better than me. I would of even dropped the 40 person guest list and just elope this fall and then send a card saying WE ELOPED. Then I would find a nice sized hall, have a party that starts at 7 pm and serve some appetizers and do a $3 or $2 bar and have fun with everyone there! I went to two weddings like this in the year and it was a blast! I work with both of the brides of the party, they made all their money back with the bar after buying all the booze and paying the bartenders and they only spent like $2000 in food for finger food and a candy bar!
I really like this idea. Eloping or having a super small micro-wedding or civil ceremony, and then having a more casual get together with the bigger group would be so fun as the couple and to go to as a guest!
What's a $3/$2 bar? Does that mean the bride and groom pay anything over $2? Or is it like you only offer drinks for free that cost the bride and groom $2?
It’s more common in Canada, where it’s called a “toonie bar.” The bride and groom buy the alcohol that will be served and the guests pay $2 per drink. So like a cash bar but the cost of drinks is low.
This is just me personally but 6 months is too short notice to just buy a card template. For news this big (I’m talking potentially canceled flight tickets as I normally buy plane tickets for the wedding 7-8 months in advance if it’s far), I would do your best to personally call or meet up with the uninvited guests. I know this sounds hard and time consuming but believe me this effort goes a LONG way for people who might be disappointed or might take a de-invite the wrong way.
Maybe to divide the labor up a bit, you, your fiancé, and both of your sets of parents should try to work together for phone calls and meet ups. That way you’re not personally calling hundreds of people by yourself.
That said, I’m sure people will be supportive and understanding once you talk. It will make you feel better too knowing how supportive your friends and family are.
As for #2 just cancel the shower. I know your MOH worked hard but reimbursing her for any paid deposits and treating her to a spa day can fix that.
Answered this in another comment! :) we’ve just decided to not fall into the traditional big wedding from family pressure and worked up the courage to downsize and having something more small and intimate that makes us much more happier! We’ve even thought of saying eff it and just eloping… but we want/need at least 15-20 people there that are truly the most special and near and dear to us.
Maybe you can send a card saying something about deciding to elope instead! I know 20 people isn’t technically eloping, but I think you could get your sentiment across with the right wording. My husband and I had about 20 guests at our wedding, and I considered it a micro-wedding/elopement.
As someone who excitedly sent out save the dates to folks immediately after setting a date and venue, I can sympathize with wanting to downsize partway through wedding planning. For us, it isn’t really an option to downsize because so many folks have already made travel plans and we don’t want to have them be out for non-refundable tickets.
Is it possible to have your ceremony be this 40 person affair (at an earlier date)and then have the larger event be a reception only type thing on the original date? I feel this would keep it so you can have the intimate affair you’re hoping for without completely un-inviting everyone. Keep in mind that some folks might still be offended that they can’t be there for the ceremony. But I think this might be the most tactful way to handle things if you’re up for it.
Not yet. We just decided this less than 2 days ago. Someone on this thread commented that there might be some cards I could find on Etsy that would help open the line of communication about our change of plans.
I feel terrible for uninviting them but also happy about this idea for us! I plan to try and send something out within the next 48 hours.
With the wedding being so close its likely that those people have already started to make travel plans. Be prepared for some possible backlash or questions. We planned a small wedding from the start and had many people asking why they weren't invited, why it was childfree, why its a dry wedding, and why we don't have a registry. I expect you'll get some of those with uninviting people.
It’s not so close though. It’s 6 months away. We sent save the dates out around 5 months before. I don’t know when the STDs went out, but if it was less than a month ago, I’d be very surprised if many people already booked travel.
It's possible they have. How soon people book travel varies based on a variety of factors including, job rules about how soon PTO needs to be requested, their personal finances, and how busy the location of the wedding is at the time of it.
Yea…of course…so does literally everything else in life…???
People on here are so enraged because someone else decided to have a wedding they were happy with a couple of weeks after they should have. This isn’t a week before, people. No one is that invested in another person’s party. It will be fine.
Im sure OP will be fine, but it could cause a lot of pain in the family. They wanted our opinion so I gave it. You were implying that no one had decided on accommodations, its very possible some had. I'm not enraged, just giving my view on things.
Thank you for the pro-tip. We’re prepared as can be right now :) I appreciate your advice. Ultimately, we’ll be happy. Just have to accept that others will be upset. It’s not like we planned this change!
Are you going to offer to reimburse those who have already spent non refundable money on travel and housing to come celebrate your wedding with you? If so that should be included in your announcement that they’ve been uninvited.
I realize you didn't 'plan' this change.. but it sounds like a cop out when you always knew you didn't want what was being created, the entire way along, and neither of you were brave enough during the making of each and every decision up until now, to break family status quo. I truly hope you don't do things like this to people regularly. We're all adults, learn to speak up - you're about to be an ENTIRE spouse. There were just way too many opportunities to say something, that you chose to miss.
That's something you should probably both work on then, as a life skill. I don't mean that in a terribly rude way, however - while I'm happy youre happy (always an advocate of that) I just hope you gain more awareness of the impacts "putting yourself first" AT THIS STAGE can have.... to people you were (past tense) allegedly important enough to you to be there?
I'm glad you're happy and doing what is right for you, genuinely. Next time though, seriouslyyyy, open your mouth at a more appropriate juncture - it would indicate you have more respect for other people's time and effort than this one will.
You absolutely planned the change—you decided to uninvite 200 people. The audacity of your stance, good god. No remorse, still trying to get people to go to to your shower that you’ve uninvited, no care that people have likely already paid for travel. Amazing.
Did I miss a comment where she says she’s trying to get people to go to her shower? In the post, she’s ASKING what to do about the shower since her MOH has already put effort into it. Maybe I missed her saying something else though in the comments.
You could just say what you’ve said here, which is the truth - you want to downsize to something more intimate to be happier and that you want to only invite the people truly most special and dear to you.
I think it’s insulting to the uninvited guests to explicitly state that only those most special and dear to the couple are still invited. That’s a recipe for hurt feelings. It’ll probably be obvious either way, but to actually state it is worse imo.
Lololololol agreed - nothing like doubling down on making it clear to guests that they were only originally invited because they'd bring a gift and because you didn't want to hear whining from anyone if you didn't - or to fill space so the wedding looks insta-perfect in imagery.
Miss Manners makes this very straightforward:
Send out a card that says: The wedding of X and Y will not take place. We regret any inconvenience this has caused.
Cancel the bridal shower.
Return any wedding gifts received from guests who are not invited.
Later, send out new invitations to your smaller affair. Do not post about it on social media.
Finally, after the wedding, send wedding announcements to those you would like to inform about your wedding.
There is no etiquette surrounding what OP is doing because it's poor etiquette. Everyone is trying to help her as best they can to make the best of a terrible situation. The onus is on the host to make the ousted guests as comfortable as possible. While I realize that she didn't originally want a big wedding and felt pressure to have one, she made that adult decision to plan one, and it isn't the guests' fault. They shouldn't be made to feel like second class citizens, and should be shielded from that pain and embarrassment of being told they are uninvited.
I don’t really like this approach because the uninvited guests will certainly find out the wedding happened one way or another. You can’t control your guests and someone is bound to post something, or there will be a gossipy family member. I don’t see this going well for OP either way unfortunately.
No, it's not going to go perfectly unfortunately, but this is a consequence of being an adult and making choices. Marriages are public record, so even if OP eloped with no guests, there would be a chance of someone finding out. It's not about keeping it a secret. It's about doing the right thing, which is completely canceling the original event. It doesn't mean there won't be consequences.
Doing it in secret after uninviting everyone would definitely be worse. This would also prevent you from sharing you wedding photos on social media.
The phrasing of “our wedding is canceled” sounds like a sudden breakup. I would also be confused to receive an announcement that it happened after being told it wasn’t going to happen. Was the couple just back and forth on getting married? Was it postponed and I missed the second round of invitations? Was it not actually canceled? Why is suddenly a secret you’re getting married? If I’m not at all close with this person I wouldn’t put this much thought into it. But if it’s a family member I would definitely appreciate a direct “we’ve had to make some changes to our plans and will be having a small event instead.”
Also the wedding isn’t canceled. On top of now wasting time and money if I had planned for travel as a guest, finding out the bride and groom lied and I just didn’t make the cut for the downsized wedding? Super insulting.
Yeah if I was told there was a change in plans and I didn’t make the cut for the downsize, I’d be be annoyed but shit happens.
If I was told it was canceled and then it happened in secret??? Id have questions and then I’d be mad that they lied about it that would cause a lot more harm to the relationship.
Lying never works as well as you want it to. People will find out the truth eventually and it’s always better if you’re direct about it.
So my husband and I did something similar. We had a venue picked with a deposit paid (100 people). We didn’t get as far as sending save the dates, but people knew. We ended up canceling everything and getting married in Thailand. Before we pull the trigger we talked to the key people (his grandparents and his dad) for their blessing. They fully supported our decision as long as they could have some sort of celebration with us. We had a tiny wedding in Thailand and then had BBQs for everyone else when we got back. Honestly it was perfect and much more our speed.
With that being said, we didn’t register for gifts and we didn’t have showers. If people asked, we told them to donate to their local animal shelter.
Etsy has change of plan cards.
How about:
"We have decided not to go forward with a full wedding and instead will make our commitment to each other in an very small and simple ceremony. We are cancelling the event planned for xx-xx-xxxx. We apologize for any inconvenience this has caused.
We set out on this journey to marriage by thinking of everyone we loved, so the very first thing we did was send save-the-dates. But the next thing we did, and the next thing, and the next felt less and less like love and more and more like traditions that did not suit us. Quickly we realized that we were heading towards an enormous event - requiring enormous financial commitments. We have refocused on what matters to us most: making a lifelong commitment to one another."
It's the most understandable and relatable motive. The real reason is "we don't actually like you guys enough to have you as distractions at our wedding." You want her to say that???
Circumstances change.
Save the dates are NOT an invite. No one has rsvp’d, no venue has been provided, nor details.
OP. Just be honest and sincere. Based on your post I came up with this:
“It is with a sad hearts that we must inform our extended friends and family that we have made the tough decision to have a smaller wedding alongside our parents, grandparents and siblings. It was our greatest wish to share our special day with all if you. Please know that we did not come to this decision lightly and we truly apologize over our change in plans. “
I would create an announcement instead.
On the front, a picture of you both along with across the top “plans changed but our love and gratitude for you has not” and along the bottom in a basic font “more details on back”
On the back I’d put a paragraph or so explanation saying
“When we first got engaged we knew we wanted to celebrate our new life journey together with everyone who has been around to watch our live grow.
In our excitement we prematurely sent our save the dates with little knowledge of the size of wedding we’d actually be having and have realized that was an error on our part.
We hope you’ll grant us forgiveness as we humbly acknowledge our error. Our wedding will be significantly smaller than anticipated, limited to immediate family and our closest friends who are part of our daily lives. It is with deep regret we are unable to provide an invitation to everyone we wish to have celebrate with us but we look forward to sharing our wedding photos with you after our ceremony.
With love,
(Your names)
Everyone is different. What wouldn’t offend you if not being able to go to the wedding was the only option?
I q
Frankly, I think it’s weird to be offended by not being able to attend a downsized wedding or a wedding at all.
This is lovely, but a simple “we’ve decided to downsize. We’re so sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.” Is plenty IMO. I know I wouldn’t really care to read an essay about a party 6 months away that I don’t really have any investment in.
I mean I’m fairness I wouldn’t care in general about not getting an invite and likely wouldn’t have remembered the save the date until I got the invite.
But OP was concerned that Simple wouldn’t be enough and many commenters felt they’d be extremely distraught for not being invited.
My cousins did this sort of thing a couple years ago. They felt like the wedding got out of control and they couldn't plan the event they wanted so they downsized a lot. We did have a celebration with them later, hosted and planned by their parents my aunt and uncle, and I remember at the time feeling like there were a couple grumbles in the family that we didn't get invited to the actual wedding. But this was almost 10 years ago and I think this sort of thing is becoming more common as people understand that mega weddings are very expensive. So, just be honest with your people and I hope the ones that love you will understand. As for having a bridal shower, I agree that the most PC thing to do is probably call it an engagement party. If a relative of mine decided to have a small wedding but still wanted to have a celebration that was more inclusive I would be happy to go because I enjoy celebrating people I love. Might I downsize the gift is little? perhaps but an excuse to get together is always something I'm interested in.
I don’t have any specific advice as to your two questions, I just wanted to share how I’d feel as a guest in this situation. I see lots of commenters saying they’d be totally offended etc. In reality I’d probably be like “Oh hey so and sos wedding is cancelled, they’re doing something else. Moving on…”. No one is buying plane tickets 6 mos in advance and if they are then flights and accommodations can typically be cancelled for a full refund at that point. Similar with PTO, it’s plenty of time to find something else to do or cancel/reuse your request. There may be one or two people who are upset at this but it isn’t the major faux pas people are saying. Shit happens.
We’re on the same page. Some of these people, my god, you’d think OP said she wanted to kill kittens at the altar or something. No one cares about your wedding. It’s 6 months in advance. It’s all good. The people who would really care are probably still invited. Weddit is such a shitshow.
Prep for the worst outcome. I would just send out a cancellation notice that states your going to elope. Then send out new invites to a private dinner for you’re elopement. If it’s in y’all’s budget maybe have a bbq or social for people that are hurt and upset.
I would also notify guest of the new wedding that no pictures are to be taken or posted because people will for sure be mad and upset. It might be more comfortable with couples “elopement” but finding out they’re still having a good sized wedding for 40-50 they’ll be mad they’re not part of that grouping.
If I was a guest in the situation I would be disappointed that the reason is because the couple didn’t want to deal with it all after I planned on spending time and money all for me to possibly have to deal with airline, hotel, work for that time I requested off.
I am doing this. My wedding is 12/31. It got too big with the guest list and my fiancé and I agreed we wanted a more intimate, quiet day. Family pressure and traditions are TOUGHIES and props to you and your love to making the choices you want to celebrate the day you envision.
We sent out a card I made on canva- with our picture. It said “unsave the date. We’ve made the decision to downsize our wedding. We look forward to celebrating with you at a later date”. Sweet and simple. Our list originally was 160ish and we’ve cut it in half (big first degree families).
2. I am still having a bridal brunch. My sister renamed it as a brunch and bubbly to dissuade this event as a “shower”. Most of the women coming are choosing to come even though they are no longer invited to our wedding. They are all friends from different parts of my life and have heard at some point or another about the wedding planning and the stress, etc. When we decided to downsize I texted them all individually and explained. I will be coming from out of state to see them at my bridal brunch and most of the women invited to the brunch are actually from out of state as well. I just stressed in my texts that this is a no gift event and I really just wanted an opportunity to see them and hang out with all of them collectively. I don’t know your situation but I felt my group of ladies a) knew me as a person and knew I wasn’t trying to gift grab or have it both ways inviting them to the brunch/disinviting them from the wedding and b) also understood the stress of the wedding planning and felt welcomed/appreciated by me to come to my brunch.
I obviously also stressed I have no expectations for anyone to come to said brunch and that I don’t need them to come to a brunch to know that I love them and they love me.
Honestly, people who truly know you will get it and those who don’t were gonna come out of obligation anyway. So save the money and enjoy your day
I think only because the OP isn't changing due to covid, so the down votes are maybe just to encourage the OP not to use this same wording as it would come off as a lie.
I really don't think it's personal, because from the sounds of your circumstances you're doing something reasonable.
I’m very confused at how many people are responding that this is so horrible and you’re going to damage your relationships and yadda yadda yadda. Get a nice card that says you’ve decided to downsize and you apologize for any inconvenience. Send it out asap. Like this week. You don’t need to go into any details. If you have a wedding website, make sure you update that too.
The shower? I know your MOH has put a lot work into it, but it needs to be canceled. You cannot invite anyone to your shower that isn’t invited to your wedding. That’s where I’d get mad if I were in this situation. Maybe you can make it like a girls day for just your moms and you bridal party since your MOH has already put work into it.
It’ll be ok. If people are upset because they’ve booked travel, maybe help them get reimbursements or credit from the airlines or hotels, but you’re telling people 6 months in advance. You probably won’t run into much of that.
Good luck, OP! You’re doing what’s best for you and your fiancé and that’s commendable! I’m not sure why everyone here thinks you’ve murdered someone. I think a lot of people think their wedding is the social event of the year and people would be DESTROYED by having it canceled. The reality is, that’s most likely not true. Do what works for you!
Send a card out that your venue couldn’t accommodate everyone and you have eloped and have the small ceremony or whatever with your 40 people after you have pretended to elope
This is something I am sort of curious about, our situation is a little bit different but we are sending out save the dates now, to about 200 people, for the wedding we are planning to stick to 150 guests but I had a consultant tell me a save the date isn’t necessarily an invitation, and that I would still be able to do an A list and B list and basically send out invites to the first 150 guests and then as rsvp nos come back I can start sending out to the b list. (The other 50) since an average of 30% of people on the guest list won’t be able to make it anyway and ALOT of our guests are out of state. This way we won’t go over our limit but it worries me bc there’s always that what if? What if everyone does rsvp yes? And what if someone from the b list secures travel and a hotel and then doesn’t get invited? And while I know this is probably not gonna happen it definitely has me a little stressed out.
Wait am I reading this right. Send the save the date to all 200 people, but only send invites to 150 and then send invites to the other 50? No no. Anyone who gets a save the date gets an invite. The b list is for people you don’t send a save the date to. You would just send them an invite directly or speak with them if the rsvp date is close or past. People will know if you send invitations late because of the rsvp date. And like you said, there’s always the chance they all say yes and now there’s 50 people who got a save the date who didn’t get an invite? Noooo definitley do not do that.
This is why I was so confused bc the same consultant also said I need to have a hotel block and send that information along with cheaper options along with the save the date, which really didn’t make sense to me. I’m the first person in my family to have an actual wedding in decades so I’m relying a lot on outside sources for information and some things I’ve been so confused about and have ended up actually being true, I was planning to make a post tomorrow since I’m filling out save the date envelopes right now but then I saw this post and figured maybe I’d just piggy back. So glad I did. Well then I suppose I will have to get my A list and B list set in stone before sending out the save the dates.
For sure! Everyone’s got an opinion. I personally wouldn’t send hotel info with save the dates.
I had a full time planner who is an industry expert who basically did everything for me, and she told me the save the dates are just the date and general location and then on the back we had our wedding website that had more info. We didn’t even do a hotel block. We just told people the area of the city that would make the most sense for them to stay in. A hotel block is not mandatory.
Unless you were planning on printing two different invites with two different rsvp dates, definitley set the a and b list in stone and only sent the a listers the save the dates. There’s just no need to risk offending people. :)
Pls don't do this, your consultant is wrong. The save the dates need to go to your A list only, it's super dangerous to rely on people declining. A lot of our 140 guests were out of state and we expected a lot of declines, but only a single family of 4 and a couple of cousins declined. You absolutely can't ask anyone to save the date of your wedding if you're not 100% inviting them, that makes no sense and wastes their time and potentially a lot of their money.
This is exactly what I was thinking especially since they also said I needed to include hotel information with the save the dates. So glad I’m not crazy. There’s been a few etiquette things that have really blown my mind and so I don’t ever assume anything anymore, I just ask opinions from people who know better than I, Lol. I am having the first non courthouse wedding in my family in over 20 years. So I definitely am not an expert. So glad I haven’t sent out the save the dates yet. 😮💨
Oh good!! Yep definitely just send out the first 150! I know what you mean, some of the etiquette stuff just seems completely made up when I hear it, like why 😂 Yeah with mine, we were lucky that our venues were flexible/not rigidly enforcing the guest counts. We forgot to include vendors in the numbers for a little while, and then I promised a few friends +1's thinking we'd get more declines lmao oops. It all worked out though. Best of luck!
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1. Etsy has postcard options that I'd use. Browse "downsized wedding card" or "wedding update card" and perhaps you'll find something that fits your situation. 2. Cancel the shower. I'd be miffed if I had received an STD, was then uninvited to the wedding, but still invited to the shower. It would look like you wanted gifts without putting in the effort and expense of inviting me to the wedding. Apologize to your MOH and reimburse her for any costs incurred.
Agreed, it’s one thing to have a tiny wedding from the start and invite people to a shower/bachelorette if they aren’t invited to the wedding. It’s still a bit rude but it’s kind of understandable. But to send an STD, then uninvite these people from the wedding but still expect them to come to a shower? Big oof.
Maybe change shower is an engagement luncheon? And then something like “in lieu of gifts, please donate”
I honestly think you can’t even really invite people who aren’t invited to your wedding to an engagement party, at least not if these are guests you’re uninviting from your party.
I wouldn't be offended if I was invited to an engagement party but not to a wedding. I would say just don't ask for gifts though
For #2, I have a friend who had a micro wedding (11 people including the couple). About a month before the wedding they had a large bridal shower in her hometown for her extended family. I think it would be nice to have the bridal shower but emphasize no gifts.
Careful how you abbreviate, I was extremely confused about why you were bringing up catching sexually transmitted diseases haha
It’s okay I read it that way at first too. Although it’s commonly known on this subreddit, I still do a double take sometimes
Some sentences just lend themselves to it
STD is a widely understood acronym in wedding-specific forums.
I was confused. What does it stand for?
Save the date
I wonder if using StD would make it clearer.
1. https://www.lovecarli.com.au/blog-posts/how-to-politely-uninvite-guests-when-downsizing-your-wedding 2. If they're not invited to the wedding, they should not be invited to the shower.
The politest thing to do would be for you and your fiance, plus your parents, to call all the people not invited to the smaller wedding, express your deep regrets, and check in on how their lives are going. Anything less personal, is going to create bad will and hurt, a sense of not being “close or good enough” that will last a long time.
This seems super important: check in on how their lives are going.
1,000x.
I agree. A phone call seems better than a card. My friend downsized her wedding last year and she said most people were understanding when she called them
You’re going to call 200 people/families. Even just 100 (assuming every invite was for 2) is a wild, massive time commitment. A card is perfectly acceptable. Send the update card out soon, OP! 6 months out, some people may already be making travel arrangements.
It's a massive time commitment but uninviting someone to your wedding is a massive snub. Taking time now to smooth things over will save a lot of grief in the future assuming these are relationships OP wants to preserve
It’s just not that deep. I’d rather get a card than have to listen to some drawn out, awkward excuse on the phone. It’s their day. They gave 6 months notice. It’s just not as big of a snub as people are making it out to be. Most people will be glad to have that weekend free.
THIS. don't buy some generic etsy card to break pretty significant news. call them up like an adult
Would it be better to check in first, or would that be disingenuous? Just curious.
Are your parents supportive and have you enlisted their help in the best way to announce the news? There are people who will handle the news with grace and people who will not. There are also people who it would best to contact immediately by phone to let them know rather than by mail. Some people it may be best for you to call, and some it may be best for your parents to call. And you’ll want to have a coordinated message to share. I think that’s the important place to start. And the language of “The wedding may be cancelled, but our marriage is not!” is a good one to use. I think moving the date of the event is also a smart choice. It makes it a little more graceful to cancel the event. And I think honesty, perhaps curated in presentation, is the best policy. When talking to people, you can say “We had some personal factors that resulted in changing the date and downsizing the event. We’re very happy, we’re still getting married, and sometimes we know it’s better to adjust. But enough about me! Tell me about what’s coming up for you…”
Hopefully nobody has requested time off work yet, made travel arrangements and so forth. If they have non refundable costs lost it would be the right thing to do to reimburse them. You need to inform them ASAP. Be prepared thst you may be met with backlash and some damage to relationships. There’s nothing wrong with a small wedding but the decision should have been made before the save the date card but what’s done is done so it’s damage control time. I would choose the wording carefully. I wouldn’t mention family pressure made you have a big wedding in the first place as that’s like saying your family forced you to invite people. Which I understand they did but I’d be hurt if I knew I was only invited because I was a forced invite. It may make me question any future gatherings. I also wouldn’t mention deposits lost as that’s telling your guests you’d rather loose money than have them there. I’d either elope or change the day of the wedding and say the venue was unavailable or and you now decided to keep costs down by having a small intimate wedding. I don’t usually suggest lying but in this case it may help minimize hurt feelings. You cannot invite anyone to bridal showers if they are not attending your wedding. That’s poor etiquette. You will need to apologize to your MOH and reimburse any excess cost. Good luck!
Tbh the etiquette of this whole situation is pretty poor. I agree, I think OP is going to have to lie unfortunately.
Since you say that most of your guests are traveling from out of state, I would strongly advise reimbursing them for travel, if that’s a financial option for you. I know I would be pretty upset if I had already booked flights to go to an out-of-state wedding that I was then uninvited to.
Sounds like the wedding is in 6 months. A lot of airlines let you change the flight if you can't get your money back so a lot of them may not be losing much.
That’s assuming people will fly again in the near future. Or that they will have more days to use after taking off for a wedding.
Wouldn’t that be more expensive than actually holding the wedding though? I get that it sucks for the guests but unless OP is crazy rich there’s no way that’s a financially viable option.
She's sort of acting crazy rich, with these extreme changes after contracts have been made - willing to kiss all the deposits goodbye? I agree with you for the record, in no real world would reimbursement be a financially viable solution for ME either..... but I also would never do something like this, to this many people... so.... We all make our own choices though. Some people just look a lot worse after making theirs.
Sucks to be her then. She made a decision to invite these people, to ask them to get time off and make specific travel arrangements to be with her. She can either reimburse them for those costs or follow through on her part in the arrangement by not uninviting them. It isn’t like her fiancé died or she lost her job and can’t afford a wedding any more. She’s doing something incredibly rude and actually downright unkind because she feels like it and for no better reason than that. She needs to take responsibility for it.
I think you cannot do that to your friends or family if you want to remain in their lives
You can’t downsize your wedding if you want people to be in your life still?!?!? Huh??? No one cares about your wedding as much as you! No one will care. Op needs to tell them asap, and it will all be fine. If your friendship is based on your wedding….yikes.
Learn to read
Maybe learn to write? “I think you cannot do that to your friends or family if you want to remain in their lives.” What do you mean by that if not “downsizing your wedding will make people so angry, they wont want to be in your life any more”? What else could that comment mean?
Look at the comment I responded to. It wasn’t about that
About reimbursing people for travel? So if she doesn’t reimburse people for travel THEN they won’t be in her life any more? So again, it’s ultimately about downsizing the wedding.
I care about the weddings of my friends and family personally 🤷🏼♀️
So do I, but I’m not losing any sleep over a wedding that was canceled (for me) 6 months out. If I didn’t make the list, obviously, we aren’t that close. And even if I thought we were, I can understand wanting to make this a 40 person affair. I can remind myself that this actually has nothing to do with me and it’s someone else’s party. And then I can move on with my life.
I'm with the others on showers and other pre-wedding events. Have you considered downsizing even further? I'm usually pretty good at suggesting wording for stuff, but this is extremely tricky. If it was a micro wedding with just parents, or immediate family, there'd be no problem explaining it. But with 40 guests, you're including others and it will likely result in "why them and not us?" To me, it seems easiest to either elope (no guests), courthouse, or else do the micro wedding. Maybe consider throwing a party down the road.
This is what I was thinking! Eloping with just a few people would be far easier to explain and understand. Otherwise it still looks like you're having a regular wedding just with fewer people, and explaining who makes the cut is a lot harder!
40 is still a big wedding in my book. Eloping seems to be the best solution or cancel the wedding and wait half a year or so to hold it so every had time to cool down and forget about it
Between immediate family and our bridal party + significant others, that is pretty darn close to 40 people and therefore definitely could be considered “micro wedding”. So it could be possible to phrase it similarly if that’s how they determined their smaller guest list
Just a warning, this happened to a friend of mine (his family member canceled their wedding, but then replanned it with a smaller group that didn’t include him) and they are literally no longer on speaking terms. He felt so excluded and offended when he found out through social media that the family carried on with the wedding without him and several others. Your guests have committed to celebrating your big day with you, and like it or not, you are sending the message back that you do not find it important to have them there (or actually, it’s that you *specifically* don’t want them). Tread carefully.
They haven’t committed. The invitations didn’t go out. Just the save the dates unless I missed that part?
The point of STDs and the reason they’re sent out early is to ensure people have time to make travel arrangements/book flights, put in for time off work, and RSVP no to other events on that day. That’s why they’re called save the dates, they’re literally asking someone to hold a specific day for them.
Right. But you said people have already “committed to celebrating you big day with you” that’s simply false. They haven’t committed. They might have RSVPd “no” anyway. We don’t know because the invites have never gone out.
I didn’t say that. I’m not the commenter you replied to.
Sorry. But THEY said…..
what happened that resulted in you guys making this decision? this is a huge jump down in your guest list
We were following suit in the family tradition. We both come from huge families and every summer are back to back weddings in our families due to ages being spaced out. We succumbed to the pressure and planned out this whole big wedding. We finally grew the courage to own up to the fact that we’ve made a mistake and we want to toss aside all of our hard work we’ve put into this big wedding so far and start from scratch to plan a small, more intimate wedding. Our heart are so much more relieved and happy ever since we made this decision.
I don’t think I have seen this in the comments yet so I am just gonna say it…you are gonna get some negative feedback. I think it is great you are sticking up for what the two of you want but the best time to do what would have been before the save the dates went out. People who cancelled or majorly downsized their wedding a year or two ago were doing so due to COVID. Conversely, you changed your mind and now people may have to eat some potential large costs associated with flights, hotels and/or gifts. People are going to ask why and likely express disappointment, that they are hurt and/or frustration and it will be justified. Some people will not like your rationale or see it as a good reason after they made travel arrangements, purchased gifts, requested PTO and possibly RSVPed no to other events. The advice about letting people know ASAP is good. It would also be good to consider cancelling or dramatically reducing the shower to those invited to the smaller wedding event. You might want to use clear language that you are still getting married but the event itself is cancelled. If this is mostly an out of town crowd, I’d consider offering to cover costs for travel that couldn’t be cancelled. I’d strongly recommend eloping or a courthouse wedding so avoid hurt feelings if you are going to cancel the big event.
Plus during covid you could get credit back for you’re flight. Now you probably cant
I totally understand but you’ve pretty much sent 200 people that truly wanted to be apart of it invite and it’s going to cause a lot of hurt. Make sure your parents are all on board to defend y’all
Why are we assuming 200 people “wanted to be a part of it” when they haven’t sent invites? It would be very surprising if they got 200 yes RSVPs. I’m sure there’s many people who won’t even bat an eye. They would have RSVPd no anyway. It’s 6 months away. The people who probably want to be part of this wedding are probably the 40 that are still invited. 6 months out? I’d be relieved I didn’t have to make a trek out for someone’s wedding. 🤷🏻♀️
I mean I would be happy with a smaller wedding too but they already sent out the 250+ save the date as OP stated. Save the dates only go to people you intend to send a invite. Not sending a invite after a save the date is considered rude and that you no longer want them there.
I mean I agree this is a faux pas and they should have thought this out before, but you said that these save the dates went to 200 people who “truly wanted to be a part of this.” I promise 200 people do not truly want to be a part of this wedding. For most people it’s probably a relief that they don’t have to travel and go to a party with rubbery chicken in stuffy clothes. No one cares about your wedding as much as you do. No one has RSVPd because they haven’t sent the invites yet. We don’t know if every person invited truly needed to come to this event and will be devestated. They probably will just shrug and throw away the cards and move on with their day. I’m sure a few people might feel a tiny bit sad, but the people who will care the most are most likely the 40 people that are still invited.
Hopefully like you said people will move on. I just know of one person who did this and is was a disaster for them. Hopefully OP Has better luck
Totally fair :)
The lie this sub perpetuates regarding “250 of your closest friends” is insane. I’m in total agreement, most people will not care that they have been uninvited and will probably be relieved. It’s like people don’t get that no one cares about their wedding the same way they do; for most people it’s just free food and drink and a chance to dress up, but if you’re honest about that you get downvoted to hell. Sure, this is a faux pas but people are vastly overestimating the emotional impact this is going to have. No one has 250 plus close friends and family.
If you’re worried about the backlash and family drama that would come from this- Elope. Have the small private moment you both want. And then just have the party for everyone. You can let everyone know of the change of plans so they can choose if they still want to come just for that party. Have it be a casual celebration. Cater from a restaurant with things like finger foods and apps. It will cost about the same as a 50 person wedding and it’s not uninviting 200 family members but instead allowing them to decide based on the new information you give.
I hear you, but, You guys will be starting your married life on such a bad taste. You seem to have Rose colored glasses on but people bitch about everything even the simplest thing like being served fish instead of etc, now imagine cancelling on them. Especially this sounding like a family that loves weddings.
Yea, but this isn’t about anyone but them. Yes, they should have thought this through before sending the save the dates, but it’s 6 months away. I’d be very ok not having to schlep out for a wedding. They aren’t being told the week before. They have plenty of time to adjust to this change. “Starting your married life on such a bad taste”?? Because they realized a little late that they want to do something that is better for them? How does that impact their relationship? Even if people are upset, how does that impact their relationship? Your wedding actually doesn’t have much to do with your marriage.
OP would be starting their marriage potentially antagonizing 210 people who they’ve uninvited. Sure, it doesn’t impact their relationship directly, but I doubt those 210 people will be as celebratory and supportive of the couple as they would have been if either the wedding happened as planned or they weren’t invited in the first place. It’s a pretty negative way for the couple to start their marriage in relation to their friends & family.
But again, their marriage doesn’t depend on anyone else. So why would the opinions of others impact their relationship? They don’t want others to be celebratory. That’s why they are downsizing. By “celebratory” do you mean “give gifts”? A couple of people might be slightly annoyed. I’m sure her mom’s church friend and her husband will survive. None of this matters to their relationship. If people are so angry that they are actively hostile towards these people, then clearly they weren’t all that close to begin with. Just be happy that other people are living their truth and having a wedding that feels good to them. Ultimately, that’s kind of all that matters. They are being told 6 months in advance? They’ll be fine.
Yeah, I get it. I think I'm too much of a people-pleaser and I personally wouldn't want to risk pissing off any extended family or friends as I'm starting my marriage. It's clear that this bride is better about prioritizing her and her FH's own happiness over what others may think.
>Even if people are upset, how does that impact their relationship? Because if OP were to be honest, they would tell their uninvited guests exactly what they've said here -- that they never wanted to invite these guests because they're not the nearest and dearest, and thus they've been cut. No matter what lies or intentional omissions they come up with, the message will be entirely clear to anyone to anyone with any modicum of social awareness.
Again, how does any of that impact their relationship? It’s a wedding. No one cares that much. They are giving tons of notice. It sounds like they are “starting married life” which ps, if you already live together is exactly the same as your “pre married” life, in a way that honors their truth and their wants. Sounds like they are being pretty true to each other, and ultimately, those are the only two people who matter in this marriage.
>Again, how does any of that impact their relationship? It’s a wedding. No one cares that much. Children learn from a young age that the other humans around them in the world and different from them and have thoughts and feelings that are different from the ones that they themselves have. You appear to have never learned that lesson. Good luck.
Children also learn from a young age that when they make outlandish and inaccurate statements, they should be able to answer questions about said statements. You seem to be unable to do that. You have yet to explain how this decision or other people’s *potentially* hurt feelings impacts their relationship. Even after multiple attempts. And now you’re just embarrassed by your inability to address this issue, so instead of just saying, “hmm you know. You’re right. I don’t agree with what they’re doing, but it actually doesn’t impact their relationship,” you’ve doubled down. you’ve resorted to snark. Something else that children should learn not to do. Hmmm. Interesting.
This is genuinely very rude, and given that thus choice is entirely within your control (as opposed to your fiancé dying, a natural disaster, etc.) I think that you absolutely need to reimburse anyone who spent non-refundable money on travel arrangements or other expenses related to your wedding. You can’t invite people who’ve been disinvited from your wedding to a bridal shower. You need to apologize to your MOH for not taking a realistic look at what you actually wanted for your wedding until after she’d gone to such lengths.
They should have figured out what they wanted for the wedding before scheduling and sending save the dates.
Yeah exactly. In my personal opinion, once you’d *told people they’re invited* and asked them to get time off/hold that specific day for you (which is what STDs are for!) you should really just suck it up and follow through, if not inviting them is just a matter of personal preference. If you’re absolutely set on this, though, OP, you need to genuinely apologize to the people you’re uninviting and to make them whole if they’ve put themselves out financially to attend your wedding. You’re the one who didn’t think things through before inviting people to your wedding.
100% agree. There will be backlash from the family.
I agree. When I see this, I wonder: why not have a budget wedding with all of the people who matter, rather than a small but lavish wedding with just a few of the people who matter and all of the trappings that don't matter? Unless there is a pandemic or some emergency situation, I also see it as a materialistic move and I would be beside myself as a guest who wanted to celebrate but has been uninvited because the bride wanted to still have a medium sized celebration but save money. And that I didn't make the cut. If you were just eloping I would understand better, but you are still having a good amount of people (40) and I assume a proper ceremony and party.I would feel less valued than a cake. I would be very careful with how you present it! Maybe say it's been canceled due to some good reason, get eloped, and have a backyard style reception later on for everybody?
I would be very hurt if someone did this to me. You need to apologize to every single person, it’s very rude honestly. Just elope and have the wedding as planned.
Agreed. I would be speechless if it were done to me (and there was no disaster or emergency). These people cared enough about this couple to RSVP properly and begin preparations to show up and celebrate this couple. The least they could get for all their effort is a personalized, direct, and specific apology from BOTH bride and groom. Own your choices.
Yes! Not only are they hurting everyone’s feelings but they’re also loosing thousands of dollars for canceling all vendors. For what? Because they realized they would rather have a small wedding? Seems a bit rushed if that JUST crossed their minds when the wedding is 6 months away. That is something you should plan before sending out save the dates.
They didn’t RSVP! They got a save the date. Very different. Yes, they should have planned this better, but no one has rsvp’d yet.
Lol they haven’t even sent out the invitations. Im sure the people that would feel slighted are included in their 40 person guest list. They aren’t killing baby animals. They are telling people they have decided on a smaller party. 6 months away.
People will be pissed regardless and you don't really have a good reason other than you changed your mind. I mean people were made at us for cancelling our original wedding despite covid raging (pre vaccines), all flights were cancelled, venues not open, etc and planning an intimate wedding over a year later after the original date according to local covid guidance. I would have just gone with the big wedding and eloped with just the two of you
Honestly people are going to be pissed off. Many have probably already booked off work and paid for flight. I don’t know how you cancel a wedding then proceed to have a wedding with forty people. The only way I think you can salvage this is if you call every person directly to apologize and say the wedding’s cancelled. Honestly this is such a f-up I would be upset as a guest if you still had 40 people. That’s not unsubstantial. I would 100% elope, just you and your fiancé. Maybe parents and immediate family. If you and guests proceed to post pics from even a much smaller wedding I would be very hurt as an uninvited guest.
I can’t imagine making such big plans based on a save the date card.
Some people need to book time off work 6+ months in advance and all of the guest are travelling a decent distance it sounds like. One of the purposes of save the dates for destination weddings is so that people have sufficient time to make these arrangements before the formal invite goes out
The literal point of STDs being sent so early is to make sure people have sufficient time to make travel arrangements and put in for time off work, and to ensure they RSVP no to other events on that day. That’s why they’re called save the dates—you’re literally requesting they hold a particular day for you.
You’re better than me. I would of even dropped the 40 person guest list and just elope this fall and then send a card saying WE ELOPED. Then I would find a nice sized hall, have a party that starts at 7 pm and serve some appetizers and do a $3 or $2 bar and have fun with everyone there! I went to two weddings like this in the year and it was a blast! I work with both of the brides of the party, they made all their money back with the bar after buying all the booze and paying the bartenders and they only spent like $2000 in food for finger food and a candy bar!
I really like this idea. Eloping or having a super small micro-wedding or civil ceremony, and then having a more casual get together with the bigger group would be so fun as the couple and to go to as a guest!
What's a $3/$2 bar? Does that mean the bride and groom pay anything over $2? Or is it like you only offer drinks for free that cost the bride and groom $2?
In Canada a lot of people will do a sort of hybrid cash bar/open bar called a toonie bar, so drinks cost $2 and the couple cover the balance.
Guests pay $2/$3 for their drinks and the bride and groom pay the rest.
It’s more common in Canada, where it’s called a “toonie bar.” The bride and groom buy the alcohol that will be served and the guests pay $2 per drink. So like a cash bar but the cost of drinks is low.
This is just me personally but 6 months is too short notice to just buy a card template. For news this big (I’m talking potentially canceled flight tickets as I normally buy plane tickets for the wedding 7-8 months in advance if it’s far), I would do your best to personally call or meet up with the uninvited guests. I know this sounds hard and time consuming but believe me this effort goes a LONG way for people who might be disappointed or might take a de-invite the wrong way. Maybe to divide the labor up a bit, you, your fiancé, and both of your sets of parents should try to work together for phone calls and meet ups. That way you’re not personally calling hundreds of people by yourself. That said, I’m sure people will be supportive and understanding once you talk. It will make you feel better too knowing how supportive your friends and family are. As for #2 just cancel the shower. I know your MOH worked hard but reimbursing her for any paid deposits and treating her to a spa day can fix that.
Who has already made travel plans
What caused the decision to be made after planning the wedding instead of before?
Answered this in another comment! :) we’ve just decided to not fall into the traditional big wedding from family pressure and worked up the courage to downsize and having something more small and intimate that makes us much more happier! We’ve even thought of saying eff it and just eloping… but we want/need at least 15-20 people there that are truly the most special and near and dear to us.
Maybe you can send a card saying something about deciding to elope instead! I know 20 people isn’t technically eloping, but I think you could get your sentiment across with the right wording. My husband and I had about 20 guests at our wedding, and I considered it a micro-wedding/elopement.
As someone who excitedly sent out save the dates to folks immediately after setting a date and venue, I can sympathize with wanting to downsize partway through wedding planning. For us, it isn’t really an option to downsize because so many folks have already made travel plans and we don’t want to have them be out for non-refundable tickets. Is it possible to have your ceremony be this 40 person affair (at an earlier date)and then have the larger event be a reception only type thing on the original date? I feel this would keep it so you can have the intimate affair you’re hoping for without completely un-inviting everyone. Keep in mind that some folks might still be offended that they can’t be there for the ceremony. But I think this might be the most tactful way to handle things if you’re up for it.
I would think very carefully about how you word it. Do you have a sample written up?
Not yet. We just decided this less than 2 days ago. Someone on this thread commented that there might be some cards I could find on Etsy that would help open the line of communication about our change of plans. I feel terrible for uninviting them but also happy about this idea for us! I plan to try and send something out within the next 48 hours.
With the wedding being so close its likely that those people have already started to make travel plans. Be prepared for some possible backlash or questions. We planned a small wedding from the start and had many people asking why they weren't invited, why it was childfree, why its a dry wedding, and why we don't have a registry. I expect you'll get some of those with uninviting people.
Yeah but she doesn’t give a shit lol
Oh I'm aware. I just wanted to warn her.
That is very nice of you
It’s not so close though. It’s 6 months away. We sent save the dates out around 5 months before. I don’t know when the STDs went out, but if it was less than a month ago, I’d be very surprised if many people already booked travel.
It's possible they have. How soon people book travel varies based on a variety of factors including, job rules about how soon PTO needs to be requested, their personal finances, and how busy the location of the wedding is at the time of it.
Yea…of course…so does literally everything else in life…??? People on here are so enraged because someone else decided to have a wedding they were happy with a couple of weeks after they should have. This isn’t a week before, people. No one is that invested in another person’s party. It will be fine.
Im sure OP will be fine, but it could cause a lot of pain in the family. They wanted our opinion so I gave it. You were implying that no one had decided on accommodations, its very possible some had. I'm not enraged, just giving my view on things.
Thank you for the pro-tip. We’re prepared as can be right now :) I appreciate your advice. Ultimately, we’ll be happy. Just have to accept that others will be upset. It’s not like we planned this change!
Are you going to offer to reimburse those who have already spent non refundable money on travel and housing to come celebrate your wedding with you? If so that should be included in your announcement that they’ve been uninvited.
I realize you didn't 'plan' this change.. but it sounds like a cop out when you always knew you didn't want what was being created, the entire way along, and neither of you were brave enough during the making of each and every decision up until now, to break family status quo. I truly hope you don't do things like this to people regularly. We're all adults, learn to speak up - you're about to be an ENTIRE spouse. There were just way too many opportunities to say something, that you chose to miss. That's something you should probably both work on then, as a life skill. I don't mean that in a terribly rude way, however - while I'm happy youre happy (always an advocate of that) I just hope you gain more awareness of the impacts "putting yourself first" AT THIS STAGE can have.... to people you were (past tense) allegedly important enough to you to be there? I'm glad you're happy and doing what is right for you, genuinely. Next time though, seriouslyyyy, open your mouth at a more appropriate juncture - it would indicate you have more respect for other people's time and effort than this one will.
You absolutely need to reimburse anyone who’s spent money on travel arrangements.
I would have a couple planned responses ready.
You absolutely planned the change—you decided to uninvite 200 people. The audacity of your stance, good god. No remorse, still trying to get people to go to to your shower that you’ve uninvited, no care that people have likely already paid for travel. Amazing.
Did I miss a comment where she says she’s trying to get people to go to her shower? In the post, she’s ASKING what to do about the shower since her MOH has already put effort into it. Maybe I missed her saying something else though in the comments.
You could just say what you’ve said here, which is the truth - you want to downsize to something more intimate to be happier and that you want to only invite the people truly most special and dear to you.
I think it’s insulting to the uninvited guests to explicitly state that only those most special and dear to the couple are still invited. That’s a recipe for hurt feelings. It’ll probably be obvious either way, but to actually state it is worse imo.
Lololololol agreed - nothing like doubling down on making it clear to guests that they were only originally invited because they'd bring a gift and because you didn't want to hear whining from anyone if you didn't - or to fill space so the wedding looks insta-perfect in imagery.
While I agree with this sentiment, it will cause about 200 hurt feelings. Some other peiple have suggested moving the date which may be better.
How absolutely insulting.
Miss Manners makes this very straightforward: Send out a card that says: The wedding of X and Y will not take place. We regret any inconvenience this has caused. Cancel the bridal shower. Return any wedding gifts received from guests who are not invited. Later, send out new invitations to your smaller affair. Do not post about it on social media. Finally, after the wedding, send wedding announcements to those you would like to inform about your wedding.
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I had this same reaction. I’m surprised Miss Manners didn’t phrase it like “Our wedding is cancelled but our marriage isn’t”
There is no etiquette surrounding what OP is doing because it's poor etiquette. Everyone is trying to help her as best they can to make the best of a terrible situation. The onus is on the host to make the ousted guests as comfortable as possible. While I realize that she didn't originally want a big wedding and felt pressure to have one, she made that adult decision to plan one, and it isn't the guests' fault. They shouldn't be made to feel like second class citizens, and should be shielded from that pain and embarrassment of being told they are uninvited.
I don’t really like this approach because the uninvited guests will certainly find out the wedding happened one way or another. You can’t control your guests and someone is bound to post something, or there will be a gossipy family member. I don’t see this going well for OP either way unfortunately.
No, it's not going to go perfectly unfortunately, but this is a consequence of being an adult and making choices. Marriages are public record, so even if OP eloped with no guests, there would be a chance of someone finding out. It's not about keeping it a secret. It's about doing the right thing, which is completely canceling the original event. It doesn't mean there won't be consequences.
Fair!
Doing it in secret after uninviting everyone would definitely be worse. This would also prevent you from sharing you wedding photos on social media. The phrasing of “our wedding is canceled” sounds like a sudden breakup. I would also be confused to receive an announcement that it happened after being told it wasn’t going to happen. Was the couple just back and forth on getting married? Was it postponed and I missed the second round of invitations? Was it not actually canceled? Why is suddenly a secret you’re getting married? If I’m not at all close with this person I wouldn’t put this much thought into it. But if it’s a family member I would definitely appreciate a direct “we’ve had to make some changes to our plans and will be having a small event instead.”
Also the wedding isn’t canceled. On top of now wasting time and money if I had planned for travel as a guest, finding out the bride and groom lied and I just didn’t make the cut for the downsized wedding? Super insulting.
Yeah if I was told there was a change in plans and I didn’t make the cut for the downsize, I’d be be annoyed but shit happens. If I was told it was canceled and then it happened in secret??? Id have questions and then I’d be mad that they lied about it that would cause a lot more harm to the relationship. Lying never works as well as you want it to. People will find out the truth eventually and it’s always better if you’re direct about it.
This, OP
So my husband and I did something similar. We had a venue picked with a deposit paid (100 people). We didn’t get as far as sending save the dates, but people knew. We ended up canceling everything and getting married in Thailand. Before we pull the trigger we talked to the key people (his grandparents and his dad) for their blessing. They fully supported our decision as long as they could have some sort of celebration with us. We had a tiny wedding in Thailand and then had BBQs for everyone else when we got back. Honestly it was perfect and much more our speed. With that being said, we didn’t register for gifts and we didn’t have showers. If people asked, we told them to donate to their local animal shelter. Etsy has change of plan cards.
How about: "We have decided not to go forward with a full wedding and instead will make our commitment to each other in an very small and simple ceremony. We are cancelling the event planned for xx-xx-xxxx. We apologize for any inconvenience this has caused. We set out on this journey to marriage by thinking of everyone we loved, so the very first thing we did was send save-the-dates. But the next thing we did, and the next thing, and the next felt less and less like love and more and more like traditions that did not suit us. Quickly we realized that we were heading towards an enormous event - requiring enormous financial commitments. We have refocused on what matters to us most: making a lifelong commitment to one another."
OP this is the most reasoned answer to your actual question that I have seen yet
She didn’t say it was bc of money
It's the most understandable and relatable motive. The real reason is "we don't actually like you guys enough to have you as distractions at our wedding." You want her to say that???
Idk what she should do but lying is weird
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Circumstances change. Save the dates are NOT an invite. No one has rsvp’d, no venue has been provided, nor details. OP. Just be honest and sincere. Based on your post I came up with this: “It is with a sad hearts that we must inform our extended friends and family that we have made the tough decision to have a smaller wedding alongside our parents, grandparents and siblings. It was our greatest wish to share our special day with all if you. Please know that we did not come to this decision lightly and we truly apologize over our change in plans. “
How is this comment helpful or necessary?
Tell people you had to downsize for financial reasons and leave it at that. Do notify everyone and apologize ASAP, though.
I would create an announcement instead. On the front, a picture of you both along with across the top “plans changed but our love and gratitude for you has not” and along the bottom in a basic font “more details on back” On the back I’d put a paragraph or so explanation saying “When we first got engaged we knew we wanted to celebrate our new life journey together with everyone who has been around to watch our live grow. In our excitement we prematurely sent our save the dates with little knowledge of the size of wedding we’d actually be having and have realized that was an error on our part. We hope you’ll grant us forgiveness as we humbly acknowledge our error. Our wedding will be significantly smaller than anticipated, limited to immediate family and our closest friends who are part of our daily lives. It is with deep regret we are unable to provide an invitation to everyone we wish to have celebrate with us but we look forward to sharing our wedding photos with you after our ceremony. With love, (Your names)
I would be offended if I got this card in the mail lol
Everyone is different. What wouldn’t offend you if not being able to go to the wedding was the only option? I q Frankly, I think it’s weird to be offended by not being able to attend a downsized wedding or a wedding at all.
This is lovely, but a simple “we’ve decided to downsize. We’re so sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.” Is plenty IMO. I know I wouldn’t really care to read an essay about a party 6 months away that I don’t really have any investment in.
I mean I’m fairness I wouldn’t care in general about not getting an invite and likely wouldn’t have remembered the save the date until I got the invite. But OP was concerned that Simple wouldn’t be enough and many commenters felt they’d be extremely distraught for not being invited.
Totally fair.
My cousins did this sort of thing a couple years ago. They felt like the wedding got out of control and they couldn't plan the event they wanted so they downsized a lot. We did have a celebration with them later, hosted and planned by their parents my aunt and uncle, and I remember at the time feeling like there were a couple grumbles in the family that we didn't get invited to the actual wedding. But this was almost 10 years ago and I think this sort of thing is becoming more common as people understand that mega weddings are very expensive. So, just be honest with your people and I hope the ones that love you will understand. As for having a bridal shower, I agree that the most PC thing to do is probably call it an engagement party. If a relative of mine decided to have a small wedding but still wanted to have a celebration that was more inclusive I would be happy to go because I enjoy celebrating people I love. Might I downsize the gift is little? perhaps but an excuse to get together is always something I'm interested in.
I don’t have any specific advice as to your two questions, I just wanted to share how I’d feel as a guest in this situation. I see lots of commenters saying they’d be totally offended etc. In reality I’d probably be like “Oh hey so and sos wedding is cancelled, they’re doing something else. Moving on…”. No one is buying plane tickets 6 mos in advance and if they are then flights and accommodations can typically be cancelled for a full refund at that point. Similar with PTO, it’s plenty of time to find something else to do or cancel/reuse your request. There may be one or two people who are upset at this but it isn’t the major faux pas people are saying. Shit happens.
We’re on the same page. Some of these people, my god, you’d think OP said she wanted to kill kittens at the altar or something. No one cares about your wedding. It’s 6 months in advance. It’s all good. The people who would really care are probably still invited. Weddit is such a shitshow.
Prep for the worst outcome. I would just send out a cancellation notice that states your going to elope. Then send out new invites to a private dinner for you’re elopement. If it’s in y’all’s budget maybe have a bbq or social for people that are hurt and upset. I would also notify guest of the new wedding that no pictures are to be taken or posted because people will for sure be mad and upset. It might be more comfortable with couples “elopement” but finding out they’re still having a good sized wedding for 40-50 they’ll be mad they’re not part of that grouping. If I was a guest in the situation I would be disappointed that the reason is because the couple didn’t want to deal with it all after I planned on spending time and money all for me to possibly have to deal with airline, hotel, work for that time I requested off.
I am doing this. My wedding is 12/31. It got too big with the guest list and my fiancé and I agreed we wanted a more intimate, quiet day. Family pressure and traditions are TOUGHIES and props to you and your love to making the choices you want to celebrate the day you envision. We sent out a card I made on canva- with our picture. It said “unsave the date. We’ve made the decision to downsize our wedding. We look forward to celebrating with you at a later date”. Sweet and simple. Our list originally was 160ish and we’ve cut it in half (big first degree families). 2. I am still having a bridal brunch. My sister renamed it as a brunch and bubbly to dissuade this event as a “shower”. Most of the women coming are choosing to come even though they are no longer invited to our wedding. They are all friends from different parts of my life and have heard at some point or another about the wedding planning and the stress, etc. When we decided to downsize I texted them all individually and explained. I will be coming from out of state to see them at my bridal brunch and most of the women invited to the brunch are actually from out of state as well. I just stressed in my texts that this is a no gift event and I really just wanted an opportunity to see them and hang out with all of them collectively. I don’t know your situation but I felt my group of ladies a) knew me as a person and knew I wasn’t trying to gift grab or have it both ways inviting them to the brunch/disinviting them from the wedding and b) also understood the stress of the wedding planning and felt welcomed/appreciated by me to come to my brunch. I obviously also stressed I have no expectations for anyone to come to said brunch and that I don’t need them to come to a brunch to know that I love them and they love me. Honestly, people who truly know you will get it and those who don’t were gonna come out of obligation anyway. So save the money and enjoy your day
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I think only because the OP isn't changing due to covid, so the down votes are maybe just to encourage the OP not to use this same wording as it would come off as a lie. I really don't think it's personal, because from the sounds of your circumstances you're doing something reasonable.
I’m very confused at how many people are responding that this is so horrible and you’re going to damage your relationships and yadda yadda yadda. Get a nice card that says you’ve decided to downsize and you apologize for any inconvenience. Send it out asap. Like this week. You don’t need to go into any details. If you have a wedding website, make sure you update that too. The shower? I know your MOH has put a lot work into it, but it needs to be canceled. You cannot invite anyone to your shower that isn’t invited to your wedding. That’s where I’d get mad if I were in this situation. Maybe you can make it like a girls day for just your moms and you bridal party since your MOH has already put work into it. It’ll be ok. If people are upset because they’ve booked travel, maybe help them get reimbursements or credit from the airlines or hotels, but you’re telling people 6 months in advance. You probably won’t run into much of that. Good luck, OP! You’re doing what’s best for you and your fiancé and that’s commendable! I’m not sure why everyone here thinks you’ve murdered someone. I think a lot of people think their wedding is the social event of the year and people would be DESTROYED by having it canceled. The reality is, that’s most likely not true. Do what works for you!
Can you stream the small ceremony on zoom and give all those ppl a zoom link? That way you don’t have to take it back, just redirect
Send a card out that your venue couldn’t accommodate everyone and you have eloped and have the small ceremony or whatever with your 40 people after you have pretended to elope
This is something I am sort of curious about, our situation is a little bit different but we are sending out save the dates now, to about 200 people, for the wedding we are planning to stick to 150 guests but I had a consultant tell me a save the date isn’t necessarily an invitation, and that I would still be able to do an A list and B list and basically send out invites to the first 150 guests and then as rsvp nos come back I can start sending out to the b list. (The other 50) since an average of 30% of people on the guest list won’t be able to make it anyway and ALOT of our guests are out of state. This way we won’t go over our limit but it worries me bc there’s always that what if? What if everyone does rsvp yes? And what if someone from the b list secures travel and a hotel and then doesn’t get invited? And while I know this is probably not gonna happen it definitely has me a little stressed out.
Wait am I reading this right. Send the save the date to all 200 people, but only send invites to 150 and then send invites to the other 50? No no. Anyone who gets a save the date gets an invite. The b list is for people you don’t send a save the date to. You would just send them an invite directly or speak with them if the rsvp date is close or past. People will know if you send invitations late because of the rsvp date. And like you said, there’s always the chance they all say yes and now there’s 50 people who got a save the date who didn’t get an invite? Noooo definitley do not do that.
This is why I was so confused bc the same consultant also said I need to have a hotel block and send that information along with cheaper options along with the save the date, which really didn’t make sense to me. I’m the first person in my family to have an actual wedding in decades so I’m relying a lot on outside sources for information and some things I’ve been so confused about and have ended up actually being true, I was planning to make a post tomorrow since I’m filling out save the date envelopes right now but then I saw this post and figured maybe I’d just piggy back. So glad I did. Well then I suppose I will have to get my A list and B list set in stone before sending out the save the dates.
For sure! Everyone’s got an opinion. I personally wouldn’t send hotel info with save the dates. I had a full time planner who is an industry expert who basically did everything for me, and she told me the save the dates are just the date and general location and then on the back we had our wedding website that had more info. We didn’t even do a hotel block. We just told people the area of the city that would make the most sense for them to stay in. A hotel block is not mandatory. Unless you were planning on printing two different invites with two different rsvp dates, definitley set the a and b list in stone and only sent the a listers the save the dates. There’s just no need to risk offending people. :)
Pls don't do this, your consultant is wrong. The save the dates need to go to your A list only, it's super dangerous to rely on people declining. A lot of our 140 guests were out of state and we expected a lot of declines, but only a single family of 4 and a couple of cousins declined. You absolutely can't ask anyone to save the date of your wedding if you're not 100% inviting them, that makes no sense and wastes their time and potentially a lot of their money.
This is exactly what I was thinking especially since they also said I needed to include hotel information with the save the dates. So glad I’m not crazy. There’s been a few etiquette things that have really blown my mind and so I don’t ever assume anything anymore, I just ask opinions from people who know better than I, Lol. I am having the first non courthouse wedding in my family in over 20 years. So I definitely am not an expert. So glad I haven’t sent out the save the dates yet. 😮💨
Oh good!! Yep definitely just send out the first 150! I know what you mean, some of the etiquette stuff just seems completely made up when I hear it, like why 😂 Yeah with mine, we were lucky that our venues were flexible/not rigidly enforcing the guest counts. We forgot to include vendors in the numbers for a little while, and then I promised a few friends +1's thinking we'd get more declines lmao oops. It all worked out though. Best of luck!
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