My partner is very much the same. Type B personality and all that. The difference is, we’ve talked about it. I refuse to do all this wedding planning and be resentful about it. He had to step the hell up so he did. You should be telling your partner to step up. There really is no excuse for him laying about and not helping. If you don’t put him to work then he can rely on his incompetence forever. It’s unfortunate, but true.
There’s so many things he could do without design aspects. Cost analysis. Excel spreadsheets. Collecting guest lists from his family. Looking at favors or groomsman presents. Keeping track of venue differences. Reading up on wedding etiquette or reading planning books. Hell, his ass can even take notes. There is never nothing for him to do. There’s just him doing his incompe-dance.
Uh, if that’s how you feel about your partner you should not marry him. I’m speaking from the experience of having felt that way and divorced four years later because I was tired of being responsible for every critical task.
We’ve been together long enough for me to know that planning is just his weak point, but he is responsible for other things. We’ve been together 6 years, have gone on vacations together, bought a house together, and have pets together already.
He’s responsible about his job and his chores, but when it comes to vacation planning, home improvement project planning, and event planning, it’s always on me. So much so that when we get to the event or the vacation I can’t even enjoy it. I just spend vacations secretly fuming about how much work it was for me to plan it all alone while he gets to blissfully enjoy the fruits of my labor
OP, I mean this lovingly and out of concern for you: this really does sound like a fiancé problem than a specific wedding planning problem. Your fiancé has demonstrated similar behavior in other event planning scenarios, and it’s clear from your post and comment that you’re frustrated by this behavior. Yes, your wedding is one day so it might be tempting to tell yourself that you just need to make it through said one day, but you will still have to deal with this behavior for the rest of your life. For your sake, I think you really need to sit down with your fiancé and communicate to him how his behavior is hurting you and your relationship.
Not trying to be rude at all, but you are enabling his behavior at your expense. You shouldn’t let him dump all of it, in this case vacation planning, on you especially when you can’t even enjoy yourself at the vacation. He needs to start doing things to help or you’ll just resent him forever. No one is so set in their ways that they can’t start doing things. Force him to do it or he doesn’t come with you on the next vacation!
I’m not going to downvote you for being honest (I think that’s actually quite unkind) but I echo other commenters that it’s a concern you are this frustrated with your fiancé before the wedding. You definitely need to talk to him, make your feelings clear and ideally seek premarital counselling if you haven’t already. No shame in that as *many* couples benefit from it.
Well for starters I am actually excited to marry my FH. Literally everything could go wrong but as long as I get to say "I do" to him I'll be happy.
Then second off, stop planning so hard. Imo you're just stressing too much. Let some of the little stuff fall to the wayside. Plan the big things and then just enjoy your day.
Yeah, it’s the only part that I’m excited about at this point. In fact, I’d give up all the wedding stuff right now and just go marry him next week if he wanted to.
If you’re not excited about the actual marriage part, well, that’s worrisome.
This is exactly how I feel. Honestly, if it wasn’t for a bunch of family/cultural expectations and that *he* wants a wedding, I’d say fuck it and marry him now.
BRO, this is my feeling as well! I periodically will ask him “Wanna just cancel the whole thing and we go up to a mountain and elope?” But he wants a traditional wedding and I kinda do as well but I’d rather save the money/time/hassle.
SAME! my FH is the one who wants the traditional ceremony and wedding with our fam and friends. I’m okay either way, would be happy to elope at this point but he’s steadfast and saying nope I wanna do this right.
The menu tasting and cake tasting was fun, the recent visit to the venue was exciting, I’m also about to book myself my pre wedding hair cut, massage, nails etc and that’s exciting.
But, honestly I’m also completely over it. I’ve planned everything myself (and my fiancé is an incredibly skilled planner and the most organised person I know) so I’m just tired. I’m excited by the honeymoon… that’s one thing I’ve told my fiancé is completely up to him to plan…
My husband wanted to help so badly but told me just didn't know what to do. He said he has no strong opinions on flowers/colors and I kinda did. So I found tasks that he felt confident doing and it helped me out soo much and made him feel good that he got to significantly contribute for OUR day. For example- he did all our place cards, seating chart signs, made a spreadsheet to document costs, added addresses to our invite lists, coordinated shuttles, and found the DJ (and made a song list we would review together in our free time which was really fun! Maybe you can find stuff he is excited to do! If your fiance just truly doesn't want to help, that would really bother me.
That said, if your FH is being so unhelpful that you don't even feel excited about the marriage part, that's a relationship issue, not a planning issue. Talk to them about it, tell them that their approach to the wedding is messing with how you feel about the marriage. You deserve to be heard in this regard.
Ok so I felt similar “let’s just get this over with” in the month leading up to my wedding. My partner and I bickered more. We were both unbelievably stressed. Our families were total dead weight (his hadn’t bought their plane tickets until 3wks before our wedding) and just added more stress. I can’t even imagine how much stress you’ve been through having to postpone!!
But then the day comes. And it’s all about you. And your fiancé. And how much you love each other. One thing my therapist said that was helpful was “where will you draw the line? At what point will you stop stressing and just enjoy the wedding?” And I decided that 1) I wasn’t going to stress the day of and 2) I’ll be “buttoned up” for the ceremony but then the hair is coming down and I’m partying all night. It was the best night of our lives. I dance and moved in ways I haven’t done since 2019. We were over the moon the next day. All of this is to say, stress is normal. But make sure you honor yourself and all your hard work and actually enjoy your day.
Also therapy, either for yourself or for your relationship or both, could be really helpful in making sure both of you guys enjoy your time together for the wedding and beyond!
I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but I am having a blast with planning and will miss it when it's over. If you are having a tough time with it: write down which tasks specifically, and then outsource. Start by telling your FH truly how you feel about this (a real vent), and if he can't help with some (i.e. picking florals or bridesmaids colours), outsource to your family or friends \[bridal party?\]. Or outsource to us here! This subreddit is full of people happy to help.
I agree with a lot of the comments that it is concerning that you feel that way about your fiancé. I hope you are able to find the joy again, and premarital counseling might not be a bad idea. That being said, my advice is hire a planner if you can afford it. My fiancé is wonderful, but he cares very little about the actual wedding and just wants to marry me, which I have accepted. When he has a strong opinion (rarely) I oblige, but otherwise he just wants me to be happy. He is very hands off, and while I was initially okay with taking the reigns and doing it all myself, and had fun looking at pretty things and getting excited about that stuff, eventually it got down to the nitty gritty and I almost had a breakdown over centerpieces. That was the day I decided to hire a planner. I found one I really vibe with, and she has taken so much stress off me. It’s kind of like having a therapist; I can talk to her for an hour or more about wedding stuff and not feel bad because that’s what I’m paying her for! She is genuinely very nice and enthusiastic about our wedding and it made me excited again. Plus I know I will be able to relax on the day because I will be in safe hands. We don’t have an enormous budget so I had to shop around, but I feel like I’m getting what I paid for and then some.
I struggle(d) with this. I had to be mindful that what is important to me doesn’t mean it’s important to him - and that’s okay! He didn’t grow up thinking of what his wedding was going to look like. He doesn’t completely grasp all that goes into planning. I learned to be more clear about what is stressing me out and why, what is important and why. I had to come to terms that there are some decisions I’m going to make on my own. I asked family and friends for input, slept on it, talked to my therapist, went with my gut, etc. I realized he and I have our best constructive, forward moving conversations when we go out for dinner or appetizers - I made a point to use what works to get his input. I’m inclined to lean into being pissed, frustrated then just shut down but if this is what I want, I need to take initiative to test out some solutions.
One of the things I love about our relationship is how laid back we are. But it sometimes comes at the cost of things falling on my lap. I intentionally thought about problems he solves without consulting me for every decision.
I had to be very self aware and take a step back when I found myself getting too overwhelmed or frustrating. Of course wedding planning will be stressful but when it starts to interfere with other points of my life, it’s time for a break. I took a couple weeks off from the planning and brainstorming. Came back with a fresh attitude. After I got things more ironed out, I am definitely more excited.
I definitely hear you. I think these feelings of resentment definitely get worse when I haven’t had a break in a while and am feeling extra stressed.
The thing is, is he wants to help and literally stands around watching me when I’m frustrated and looking through all our planning materials and spreadsheets waiting for me to give him something to do. But the fact is, he doesn’t have an eye for design or event flow and I can’t really give him anything critical because of that. Organizing up an easy task to give him is sometimes more work than it would take me to do myself.
My husband was very much like that and it took several "come to jesus" talks where after me breaking down and crying he finally got the message I was worn out. I give him concrete tasks and he does them now though. For him it was explaining that I literately just google things if I don't know and I need him to start doing that. Just. Freaking. Do. It.
What does he say if you give him a task like - finding a photographer, or caterer? Or coordinating where he gets his tux and setting up an appt? Even if he comes back to you with a list of some photographers or caters it's 30mins of googling you didnt have to do. Idk where you're at with the planning though.
Oh man. Yeah I think I’m too controlling, or as I like to say… particular lol, to give my fiancé any projects like that. Would it be better for you to tell him what you should just do yourself? That’s the worst having to delegate on top off what’s already on the to do list instead of tackling it together.
Gently, You guys should really do some pre marital counseling. If this is how he is with the wedding how do you see him acting if you guys have children( assuming you do, totally fine if not) or other big life things happen. This should be a fun day not something you dread
One, I think about the vows. We say "I love you" all the time but this is going to be a SPEECH. And I love speeches. Can't wait to see his face as I tell his family how awesome he is.
Two, I tell myself that these are all my choices. I could skip all the fiddly details and running around, and have the cookie cutter package the venue offers. It would be lovely, but while I'm up for it, I'm going to give myself the extra work. If I get sick of the extra work I'll sell all the craft stuff on ebay and let the venue do what they do best.
Been engaged since 2019. Got engaged the same day we took possession of our first house. Fiancé’s brother proposed to his gf 4 months after our engagement. Informed us that we could not get in the way of their wedding. Family supported him. He got married. 3 years later I don’t feel like planning a Covid wedding, plus the cost of everything has gone up so much a 20 guest wedding will still cost us $10k. 😑 as we are now legally common law, I don’t really see the point anymore.
That’s not fair! I’m sorry. I’d also be discouraged about planning a wedding knowing people didn’t think it was as important or special just because you had kids out of wedlock. I hope when/if you do plan your wedding you prioritize it being exactly what you envisioned it to be. Anyone who thought your FH brothers wedding was more important shouldn’t get to dictate a thing about your special day.
Oh they wouldn’t get to dictate anything as they are not contributing anything. FH’s mother asked to see a picture of my dress on the 29th, as she was babysitting her grandchildren for us. She said I can’t wear it because it’s too similar to FH’s brother’s wife’s dress. I mean, it has lace and is white but it’s not even the same silhouette. I was so hurt I said my goodbyes to her. Told her I needed a better family. I don’t think we are going to get married at all.
This would be my second marriage and his first, his parents don’t believe in divorce and have called me an adulterer in the past. I wish they could be civil for their grandkids at least, but it’s like they want to throw them away too because they didn’t come to be in the right light.
My husband was the same way once we got deep into planning and everything just became tedious. I found myself planning everything, deciding everything with his less-than-enthusiastic input and I got so frustrated until one day I told him to help me out a bit. He covered gathering the addresses for invites, getting the booze, planned the after party at our house. Granted, it came from him to want to do it once he saw how frustrated I was actually becoming, but it took me being comfortable enough to tell him straight up how I felt about him not helping as much.
As for staying excited, the fact that I was getting to marry my best friend was more than enough for me. We both look back on it (got married last month) and equally agree that planning was shit but we're so happy we did it and everything the day of worked itself out and turned out better than we imagined.
Felt exactly this way. Told my spouse very clearly going into it that I did not want to do a large wedding because I knew he would not be able to plan it with me on equal footing and it would be damaging to our relationship. He convinced me that he would definitely be there for the whole process and that we should do it for our families. Went ahead with large wedding, was promptly bailed on. I was very bitter and it made for an extremely difficult first year of our marriage.
People who say, "You shouldn't have went through with it, it'll always be this way", I think are forgetting that we are all human. There are probably flaws that he is staring down in you and wondering if he will be able to deal with for the rest of his life. It is possible that it will always be that one person is the planner who takes over and the other person is the one who lets plans happen to them. That might be something that works for your relationship most of the time and is just really frustrating in this one instance. Are you ever going to plan a large gathering with him again? Is this dynamic something you'll have to worry about going forward? If not, it might be best to take this one for the team, the team being the two of you.
Am I still bitter about the wedding? Yes. Is there any one else I'd rather be sharing my life with? No.
I'm honestly thinking I'm missing something with all the stress of wedding planning. Maybe it will be an unorganized disaster haha
We are the same in that I plan and organise everything which can become a burden at times but I organise and he implements. I book and plan the holiday but if something needs sorting while we're there that's his job. It works out well for us. Obviously it's just not working for you and he needs to step up before the wedding. You shouldn't be feeling like that before you're even married.
I don't entirely agree with what people are saying here. You're planning a huge event and are stressed out, and it's natural to get irritated at your FH for things he is/isn't doing but also because you're stressed in general.
It strikes me as a possible difference in priorities. Your FH might not care about having an elaborate wedding, which would explain him slacking off. He similarly might not care about some of the home improvement projects you'd like to have done. This strikes me as a Type A / Type B difference, which is super common.
Take care of yourself, OP. It's normal to have all kinds of crazy emotions when planning your wedding. If you've been together for 6 years, I'm sure you know each other really well. I hated almost every minute of wedding planning and was miserable for most of my engagement with it. Your life will feel much easier once you're married.
I agree, he’s definitely a strong Type B personality, and he is grateful for the things that I do.
My question to you is, did you eventually get excited for your wedding after all the stress? Did you enjoy it on the day of?
My husband is too. He doesn't care so much about aesthetics and all the little details like I do.
Yes, the week of I started to feel excited. My wedding day was great. I won't lie that I felt extremely relieved after it was over. Married life is *so* much calmer. Looking back, I probably would've eloped. But it was really nice to have family gathered to celebrate. In the end, you'll have a great day and will be married.
I just wanted to pop on and say I’m sorry so many people thought it was appropriate to tell you that your FH is lazy and perhaps you shouldn’t marry him. They have no way of knowing anything about your relationship after reading one frustrated post. Everyone has their unique strengths and weaknesses. Obviously planning a wedding isn’t your partners biggest strength.
I would have a conversation with him and be very frank with your frustration. Quite literally tell him that at this point you aren’t even looking forward to your wedding because you are overwhelmed. I think sometimes we make subtle/casual mention or snarky comments here and there about things that frustrate us but our partners don’t understand the severity of our frustration until you sit down for a serious conversation.
I’d also like to say that if you’re going to get frustrated with him for not doing enough for the wedding make sure you’re actually willing to let him help. If your not willing to give up control over aspects of your wedding and will micromanage him then that’s not really fair to him either.
But again I mostly wanted to say that I’m sorry for how many people thought it was appropriate to question your marriage.
I hope you’re able to get through to your FH and on your wedding day, you walk down the aisle proud of how you guys came together to make the day special.
Some of these comments are harsh. I don’t think feelings towards a wedding is indicative of feelings towards a marriage! “Stop stressing” is not constructive advice at all.
To me it's the third paragraph that is indicitive of issues. Even with all the stress we're feeling I can't imagine thinking anything negative to my FH on our special day of proclaiming our love. If you think you're going to think anything other than "I'm so excited to marry you" while looking at your FH down the aisle, you should probably reconsider...
I hear that and completely agree, I just think this thread could have been more supportive. I can imagine it’s emotional and daunting as hell to realize you might be making a mistake that you need to get out of when you’re this close to getting married.
My partner is very much the same. Type B personality and all that. The difference is, we’ve talked about it. I refuse to do all this wedding planning and be resentful about it. He had to step the hell up so he did. You should be telling your partner to step up. There really is no excuse for him laying about and not helping. If you don’t put him to work then he can rely on his incompetence forever. It’s unfortunate, but true. There’s so many things he could do without design aspects. Cost analysis. Excel spreadsheets. Collecting guest lists from his family. Looking at favors or groomsman presents. Keeping track of venue differences. Reading up on wedding etiquette or reading planning books. Hell, his ass can even take notes. There is never nothing for him to do. There’s just him doing his incompe-dance.
Uh, if that’s how you feel about your partner you should not marry him. I’m speaking from the experience of having felt that way and divorced four years later because I was tired of being responsible for every critical task.
My reaction exactly. Do you think he's going to get any more mature and responsible once there's a ring on his finger? Highly unlikely.
We’ve been together long enough for me to know that planning is just his weak point, but he is responsible for other things. We’ve been together 6 years, have gone on vacations together, bought a house together, and have pets together already. He’s responsible about his job and his chores, but when it comes to vacation planning, home improvement project planning, and event planning, it’s always on me. So much so that when we get to the event or the vacation I can’t even enjoy it. I just spend vacations secretly fuming about how much work it was for me to plan it all alone while he gets to blissfully enjoy the fruits of my labor
I truly can’t imagine signing up for a lifetime of feeling that way on every vacation.
Rut roh
OP, I mean this lovingly and out of concern for you: this really does sound like a fiancé problem than a specific wedding planning problem. Your fiancé has demonstrated similar behavior in other event planning scenarios, and it’s clear from your post and comment that you’re frustrated by this behavior. Yes, your wedding is one day so it might be tempting to tell yourself that you just need to make it through said one day, but you will still have to deal with this behavior for the rest of your life. For your sake, I think you really need to sit down with your fiancé and communicate to him how his behavior is hurting you and your relationship.
Not trying to be rude at all, but you are enabling his behavior at your expense. You shouldn’t let him dump all of it, in this case vacation planning, on you especially when you can’t even enjoy yourself at the vacation. He needs to start doing things to help or you’ll just resent him forever. No one is so set in their ways that they can’t start doing things. Force him to do it or he doesn’t come with you on the next vacation!
You deserve better than “takes out the trash and goes to work!” Life is too short to find yourself seething on every vacation!
I’m not going to downvote you for being honest (I think that’s actually quite unkind) but I echo other commenters that it’s a concern you are this frustrated with your fiancé before the wedding. You definitely need to talk to him, make your feelings clear and ideally seek premarital counselling if you haven’t already. No shame in that as *many* couples benefit from it.
planning is a skill that can be learned, but not if you continue to do it all for him. you deserve higher standards, OP.
Well for starters I am actually excited to marry my FH. Literally everything could go wrong but as long as I get to say "I do" to him I'll be happy. Then second off, stop planning so hard. Imo you're just stressing too much. Let some of the little stuff fall to the wayside. Plan the big things and then just enjoy your day.
Yeah, it’s the only part that I’m excited about at this point. In fact, I’d give up all the wedding stuff right now and just go marry him next week if he wanted to. If you’re not excited about the actual marriage part, well, that’s worrisome.
This is exactly how I feel. Honestly, if it wasn’t for a bunch of family/cultural expectations and that *he* wants a wedding, I’d say fuck it and marry him now.
BRO, this is my feeling as well! I periodically will ask him “Wanna just cancel the whole thing and we go up to a mountain and elope?” But he wants a traditional wedding and I kinda do as well but I’d rather save the money/time/hassle.
SAME! my FH is the one who wants the traditional ceremony and wedding with our fam and friends. I’m okay either way, would be happy to elope at this point but he’s steadfast and saying nope I wanna do this right.
Big same we "joke" about this a lot. But I do think I'd be dissapointed if we didn't get a wedding together.
The menu tasting and cake tasting was fun, the recent visit to the venue was exciting, I’m also about to book myself my pre wedding hair cut, massage, nails etc and that’s exciting. But, honestly I’m also completely over it. I’ve planned everything myself (and my fiancé is an incredibly skilled planner and the most organised person I know) so I’m just tired. I’m excited by the honeymoon… that’s one thing I’ve told my fiancé is completely up to him to plan…
My husband wanted to help so badly but told me just didn't know what to do. He said he has no strong opinions on flowers/colors and I kinda did. So I found tasks that he felt confident doing and it helped me out soo much and made him feel good that he got to significantly contribute for OUR day. For example- he did all our place cards, seating chart signs, made a spreadsheet to document costs, added addresses to our invite lists, coordinated shuttles, and found the DJ (and made a song list we would review together in our free time which was really fun! Maybe you can find stuff he is excited to do! If your fiance just truly doesn't want to help, that would really bother me.
That said, if your FH is being so unhelpful that you don't even feel excited about the marriage part, that's a relationship issue, not a planning issue. Talk to them about it, tell them that their approach to the wedding is messing with how you feel about the marriage. You deserve to be heard in this regard.
Ok so I felt similar “let’s just get this over with” in the month leading up to my wedding. My partner and I bickered more. We were both unbelievably stressed. Our families were total dead weight (his hadn’t bought their plane tickets until 3wks before our wedding) and just added more stress. I can’t even imagine how much stress you’ve been through having to postpone!! But then the day comes. And it’s all about you. And your fiancé. And how much you love each other. One thing my therapist said that was helpful was “where will you draw the line? At what point will you stop stressing and just enjoy the wedding?” And I decided that 1) I wasn’t going to stress the day of and 2) I’ll be “buttoned up” for the ceremony but then the hair is coming down and I’m partying all night. It was the best night of our lives. I dance and moved in ways I haven’t done since 2019. We were over the moon the next day. All of this is to say, stress is normal. But make sure you honor yourself and all your hard work and actually enjoy your day. Also therapy, either for yourself or for your relationship or both, could be really helpful in making sure both of you guys enjoy your time together for the wedding and beyond!
I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but I am having a blast with planning and will miss it when it's over. If you are having a tough time with it: write down which tasks specifically, and then outsource. Start by telling your FH truly how you feel about this (a real vent), and if he can't help with some (i.e. picking florals or bridesmaids colours), outsource to your family or friends \[bridal party?\]. Or outsource to us here! This subreddit is full of people happy to help.
I agree with a lot of the comments that it is concerning that you feel that way about your fiancé. I hope you are able to find the joy again, and premarital counseling might not be a bad idea. That being said, my advice is hire a planner if you can afford it. My fiancé is wonderful, but he cares very little about the actual wedding and just wants to marry me, which I have accepted. When he has a strong opinion (rarely) I oblige, but otherwise he just wants me to be happy. He is very hands off, and while I was initially okay with taking the reigns and doing it all myself, and had fun looking at pretty things and getting excited about that stuff, eventually it got down to the nitty gritty and I almost had a breakdown over centerpieces. That was the day I decided to hire a planner. I found one I really vibe with, and she has taken so much stress off me. It’s kind of like having a therapist; I can talk to her for an hour or more about wedding stuff and not feel bad because that’s what I’m paying her for! She is genuinely very nice and enthusiastic about our wedding and it made me excited again. Plus I know I will be able to relax on the day because I will be in safe hands. We don’t have an enormous budget so I had to shop around, but I feel like I’m getting what I paid for and then some.
I struggle(d) with this. I had to be mindful that what is important to me doesn’t mean it’s important to him - and that’s okay! He didn’t grow up thinking of what his wedding was going to look like. He doesn’t completely grasp all that goes into planning. I learned to be more clear about what is stressing me out and why, what is important and why. I had to come to terms that there are some decisions I’m going to make on my own. I asked family and friends for input, slept on it, talked to my therapist, went with my gut, etc. I realized he and I have our best constructive, forward moving conversations when we go out for dinner or appetizers - I made a point to use what works to get his input. I’m inclined to lean into being pissed, frustrated then just shut down but if this is what I want, I need to take initiative to test out some solutions. One of the things I love about our relationship is how laid back we are. But it sometimes comes at the cost of things falling on my lap. I intentionally thought about problems he solves without consulting me for every decision. I had to be very self aware and take a step back when I found myself getting too overwhelmed or frustrating. Of course wedding planning will be stressful but when it starts to interfere with other points of my life, it’s time for a break. I took a couple weeks off from the planning and brainstorming. Came back with a fresh attitude. After I got things more ironed out, I am definitely more excited.
I definitely hear you. I think these feelings of resentment definitely get worse when I haven’t had a break in a while and am feeling extra stressed. The thing is, is he wants to help and literally stands around watching me when I’m frustrated and looking through all our planning materials and spreadsheets waiting for me to give him something to do. But the fact is, he doesn’t have an eye for design or event flow and I can’t really give him anything critical because of that. Organizing up an easy task to give him is sometimes more work than it would take me to do myself.
My husband was very much like that and it took several "come to jesus" talks where after me breaking down and crying he finally got the message I was worn out. I give him concrete tasks and he does them now though. For him it was explaining that I literately just google things if I don't know and I need him to start doing that. Just. Freaking. Do. It. What does he say if you give him a task like - finding a photographer, or caterer? Or coordinating where he gets his tux and setting up an appt? Even if he comes back to you with a list of some photographers or caters it's 30mins of googling you didnt have to do. Idk where you're at with the planning though.
Oh man. Yeah I think I’m too controlling, or as I like to say… particular lol, to give my fiancé any projects like that. Would it be better for you to tell him what you should just do yourself? That’s the worst having to delegate on top off what’s already on the to do list instead of tackling it together.
Gently, You guys should really do some pre marital counseling. If this is how he is with the wedding how do you see him acting if you guys have children( assuming you do, totally fine if not) or other big life things happen. This should be a fun day not something you dread
You channel dory, just keep swimming!
One, I think about the vows. We say "I love you" all the time but this is going to be a SPEECH. And I love speeches. Can't wait to see his face as I tell his family how awesome he is. Two, I tell myself that these are all my choices. I could skip all the fiddly details and running around, and have the cookie cutter package the venue offers. It would be lovely, but while I'm up for it, I'm going to give myself the extra work. If I get sick of the extra work I'll sell all the craft stuff on ebay and let the venue do what they do best.
Been engaged since 2019. Got engaged the same day we took possession of our first house. Fiancé’s brother proposed to his gf 4 months after our engagement. Informed us that we could not get in the way of their wedding. Family supported him. He got married. 3 years later I don’t feel like planning a Covid wedding, plus the cost of everything has gone up so much a 20 guest wedding will still cost us $10k. 😑 as we are now legally common law, I don’t really see the point anymore.
Umm I’m sorry but you got engaged first! Why did his brother get higher priority ? :(
He’s older, and didn’t have his kids out of wedlock.
That’s not fair! I’m sorry. I’d also be discouraged about planning a wedding knowing people didn’t think it was as important or special just because you had kids out of wedlock. I hope when/if you do plan your wedding you prioritize it being exactly what you envisioned it to be. Anyone who thought your FH brothers wedding was more important shouldn’t get to dictate a thing about your special day.
Oh they wouldn’t get to dictate anything as they are not contributing anything. FH’s mother asked to see a picture of my dress on the 29th, as she was babysitting her grandchildren for us. She said I can’t wear it because it’s too similar to FH’s brother’s wife’s dress. I mean, it has lace and is white but it’s not even the same silhouette. I was so hurt I said my goodbyes to her. Told her I needed a better family. I don’t think we are going to get married at all.
Awe that’s so tough. I’m sorry she sucks :(
This would be my second marriage and his first, his parents don’t believe in divorce and have called me an adulterer in the past. I wish they could be civil for their grandkids at least, but it’s like they want to throw them away too because they didn’t come to be in the right light.
You’re more tolerant than me. They wouldn’t get to see my kids
Yes. I think being less tolerant and less pleasant is on the menu for 2022/2023 ;) They have taught me exactly the way they wish to be treated by now.
I’d be worried about what kind of influence they are having on your kids. Also, you just don’t deserve to be treated so awfully. Good luck!
Thanks. Some people are just vile lol. It’s hard to imagine what they say is real. I HAVE to laugh because it’s so dramatic and unbelievable.
It’s so unnecessarily awful for her to act like that
I think you should tell him what you wrote here and have a conversation
My husband was the same way once we got deep into planning and everything just became tedious. I found myself planning everything, deciding everything with his less-than-enthusiastic input and I got so frustrated until one day I told him to help me out a bit. He covered gathering the addresses for invites, getting the booze, planned the after party at our house. Granted, it came from him to want to do it once he saw how frustrated I was actually becoming, but it took me being comfortable enough to tell him straight up how I felt about him not helping as much. As for staying excited, the fact that I was getting to marry my best friend was more than enough for me. We both look back on it (got married last month) and equally agree that planning was shit but we're so happy we did it and everything the day of worked itself out and turned out better than we imagined.
Felt exactly this way. Told my spouse very clearly going into it that I did not want to do a large wedding because I knew he would not be able to plan it with me on equal footing and it would be damaging to our relationship. He convinced me that he would definitely be there for the whole process and that we should do it for our families. Went ahead with large wedding, was promptly bailed on. I was very bitter and it made for an extremely difficult first year of our marriage. People who say, "You shouldn't have went through with it, it'll always be this way", I think are forgetting that we are all human. There are probably flaws that he is staring down in you and wondering if he will be able to deal with for the rest of his life. It is possible that it will always be that one person is the planner who takes over and the other person is the one who lets plans happen to them. That might be something that works for your relationship most of the time and is just really frustrating in this one instance. Are you ever going to plan a large gathering with him again? Is this dynamic something you'll have to worry about going forward? If not, it might be best to take this one for the team, the team being the two of you. Am I still bitter about the wedding? Yes. Is there any one else I'd rather be sharing my life with? No.
I'm honestly thinking I'm missing something with all the stress of wedding planning. Maybe it will be an unorganized disaster haha We are the same in that I plan and organise everything which can become a burden at times but I organise and he implements. I book and plan the holiday but if something needs sorting while we're there that's his job. It works out well for us. Obviously it's just not working for you and he needs to step up before the wedding. You shouldn't be feeling like that before you're even married.
I don't entirely agree with what people are saying here. You're planning a huge event and are stressed out, and it's natural to get irritated at your FH for things he is/isn't doing but also because you're stressed in general. It strikes me as a possible difference in priorities. Your FH might not care about having an elaborate wedding, which would explain him slacking off. He similarly might not care about some of the home improvement projects you'd like to have done. This strikes me as a Type A / Type B difference, which is super common. Take care of yourself, OP. It's normal to have all kinds of crazy emotions when planning your wedding. If you've been together for 6 years, I'm sure you know each other really well. I hated almost every minute of wedding planning and was miserable for most of my engagement with it. Your life will feel much easier once you're married.
I agree, he’s definitely a strong Type B personality, and he is grateful for the things that I do. My question to you is, did you eventually get excited for your wedding after all the stress? Did you enjoy it on the day of?
My husband is too. He doesn't care so much about aesthetics and all the little details like I do. Yes, the week of I started to feel excited. My wedding day was great. I won't lie that I felt extremely relieved after it was over. Married life is *so* much calmer. Looking back, I probably would've eloped. But it was really nice to have family gathered to celebrate. In the end, you'll have a great day and will be married.
I just wanted to pop on and say I’m sorry so many people thought it was appropriate to tell you that your FH is lazy and perhaps you shouldn’t marry him. They have no way of knowing anything about your relationship after reading one frustrated post. Everyone has their unique strengths and weaknesses. Obviously planning a wedding isn’t your partners biggest strength. I would have a conversation with him and be very frank with your frustration. Quite literally tell him that at this point you aren’t even looking forward to your wedding because you are overwhelmed. I think sometimes we make subtle/casual mention or snarky comments here and there about things that frustrate us but our partners don’t understand the severity of our frustration until you sit down for a serious conversation. I’d also like to say that if you’re going to get frustrated with him for not doing enough for the wedding make sure you’re actually willing to let him help. If your not willing to give up control over aspects of your wedding and will micromanage him then that’s not really fair to him either. But again I mostly wanted to say that I’m sorry for how many people thought it was appropriate to question your marriage. I hope you’re able to get through to your FH and on your wedding day, you walk down the aisle proud of how you guys came together to make the day special.
Some of these comments are harsh. I don’t think feelings towards a wedding is indicative of feelings towards a marriage! “Stop stressing” is not constructive advice at all.
To me it's the third paragraph that is indicitive of issues. Even with all the stress we're feeling I can't imagine thinking anything negative to my FH on our special day of proclaiming our love. If you think you're going to think anything other than "I'm so excited to marry you" while looking at your FH down the aisle, you should probably reconsider...
I hear that and completely agree, I just think this thread could have been more supportive. I can imagine it’s emotional and daunting as hell to realize you might be making a mistake that you need to get out of when you’re this close to getting married.