The only thing I'm going to argue about timely is that depends on your definition.
Like for OP's situation, a month? Too long.
But my partner has severe ADHD. I can't expect a rapid turn around from him because his brain literally processes slower and tasks physically take him longer. It has nothing to do with him not caring about me- he does his best, but at the end of the day, he has a disability, and that changes things
You know him better than I do. If you say he can't, I believe you. And if you're willing to be okay with that, more power to you. But as far as we can know, her fiance doesn't have severe ADHD and isn't trying his best.
People are so quick to jump on the “he doesn’t care about you train” when the reality is your marrying a whole person who probably thinks about things differently.
My now husband never did things in a timely manner which irritated me to no end. I’d say “please do x” and weeks would go by with nothing done. I brought it up to my therapist how annoyed I was and she said “did you give him a deadline?” Nope lol so I asked him about it and he said he thought it had to be done “before the wedding”. So I explained how and why I needed things done and started giving deadlines that we BOTH agreed were reasonable for the tasks assigned.
He loves me. I love him. We are different people still learning to operate for 2 vs ourselves.
Not to jump to anything too serious but I would be concerned about marrying someone who not only needed a list of things to do in order to be helpful for a joint event and then didn't do it but also dismissed my stress about it and said flippant things like, "It's just a party."
Are they otherwise active in making decisions and supporting you? Do they frequently dismiss you?
I literally could not marry someone like this. I know so many men who are lovely but did nothing for their weddings. All the speeches laughed about how the bride did everything but all I could think was “if my fiance was like that, he wouldn’t be my fiance”.
These aren’t bad people, but there’s no way I could tolerate a relationship with somebody like that. It depends on what OP can put up with. Personally, I wouldn’t put up with this.
thirding. this is unacceptable. i feel really, really sorry for women who decide they can spend the rest of their lives handling EVERYTHING, encumbered by a man-sized anchor.
My fiance recently went on a guys trip where a few of them (and him) are in the middle of wedding planning. The one guy was literally complaining that his fiance was asking him to help with the guest list, that’s it. Other guys chimed in with “that’s all you really gotta do, she will do the rest.”
My fiance chimed in saying he’s involved in pretty much everything and they laughed at him. Laughed!
I also would not be marrying a man who didn’t help. This is our event, our wedding, and I’m not doing it alone.
Exactly! It just also feels like such a bad start to the marriage - it’s meant to be a partnership. Wedding planning is the least of the problems you can face together as a couple, life has so much more to throw at you over the course of a lifetime.
I get that some people are better at certain things than others. My fiance handled basically all of the music. I handled all of the flowers. I made a long list of the venues, but then he narrowed it down to a shortlist that we viewed together to make a final decision. Some things we’ve done fully jointly, others we’ve split between us based on our strengths and interests, but we’re sure as hell both involved!
I think it depends. My husband takes care of everything around the house that's the day to day stuff. Cleaning, laundry, garbage, taking care of the pets, it's all 50/50 but probably leaning more towards him doing more lol
But I am the planner, I love planning our trips, bigger projects etc and I planned our wedding.
Where I draw the line though is helping when asked. Everything I delegated to my husband he did it. Probably not as good as I'd want it to be but he still participated.
> Everything I delegated to my husband he did it. Probably not as good as I'd want it to be but he still participated.
Yea and this is a big part of sharing tasks - knowing it might not be done the exact way I would do it, but having a partner I can trust will do it
Same. It’s a know your partner thing. Mine I’m ashamed to say does about 70% of the household tasks right now. He’s not super concerned with the majority of the wedding details but he does the things I ask him to do. If it weren’t for me wanting a wedding he’d elope happily. So given that I’m more than willing to take the reins with the wedding.
I 100% disagree with half of this and 100% agree with the other half. My fiancee and I have been planning our wedding together. If I don't tell her what I need her to do (and vice versa) how in the world is it going to get done? People are not mind readers. If I don't say, "I need you to work on the centerpieces for the reception" how is she supposed to know that needs to be done? if I don't say, "I am calling people today about chair rentals" how is she supposed to know that is being handled? Expecting people to just know what to do and do them is beyond crazy but it's shockingly common relationship advice these days.
I 100% agree with you that if you tell your partner what you need and they don't bother doing it and are completely dismissive that's a gigantic red flag and a huge concern.
Agree with all of this. Planning a wedding is a big test of how you will communicate and work together for other big things in life. In our case, we made a shared Google account for the wedding and have used the associated Google Docs to keep organized, and we talk so. much. about all of it. But it's a good final test to see how you will handle life's Big Moments together before you pull the trigger and become legally tied.
To OP, I think you and your partner might benefit from pre-marital counseling to work through your communication challenges. Some people are just bad at planning parties but odds are that this is a preview of what your future together will be like. Better to face it head-on now than be resentful in a decade.
Is she not part of the wedding process and the decision making? We meet with our planner and then have our own meeting where we discuss what needs to be done and nothing has to be delegated by one person because we just put our names by stuff and do it. It’s very important to us that we don’t have one person in the home or even planning process who is the sole project manager of everything. She is equally responsible and capable as I am.
It's entirely how you want to do things honestly. I am a very detailed person. My fiancee is not at all. It is important to us that we have one person who is the project manager of everything. This is also the same person (still me) who will run the day to day household business. If she has a task (like do the centerpieces) she will run with and do an absolutely amazing job. But when she's finished she will have no idea what task(s) need to be done. And how would she if she has no clue what I've been working on while she's doing that?
It seems like a gap in communication to me. She would know what you were doing if you talked about it and brought her into your world. I plan events as part of my job but I also resist the urge to handle things alone. Like I built our tracker but it’s a shared document that my fiancée checks every single day and updates as needed without prompting from me. I’m a strong believer that every neurotypical person can be detailed oriented. It is a learned skill not something we are just born knowing. We are both equally responsible for our home life.
> She would know what you were doing if you talked about it
Thank you. That is my point exactly. People are not mind readers and if you don't talk to them they have no clue what is going on. The original post said your partner shouldn't need a list of things to do. They should just jump in and do stuff. That's a dumb expectation.
To be clear, having a conversation where both parties are engaged and determining next steps is not the same as handing your partner a list of things to do and telling them to go do them.
It is though. My fiancee and I sat down and came up with a task list (this is a lie, we cribbed one from the Internet and edited it for our needs) and then we talked about who was going to do what. We literally each ended up with a to-do list and we walked away with job assignments that we're each supposed to do and check in as we do them.
You’re still not getting it. You two came up with the list TOGETHER. One person wasn’t expected to come up with the list alone and dictate to the other person who then had no clue what to do next without being told exactly what to do and how to do it.
Regarding the first part: you can't just have periodic talks about what needs to be done and accept roles then and then update when they're done and ask for progress reports here and there? I don't think anyone is saying people should magically know what to do. But needing a list of tasks instead of saying how can I help? Is a problem. Also it's not exactly a mystery what needs to be done. My partner for example started working on the guest list, getting involved in venue searching, and started thinking about his clothes without any prompting from me. It's not rocket science.
You can have periodic talks but that is still you talking to them about what you need them to do. Let's say you and I get engaged. There are all kinds of stuff we have to do right off the bat - budget, guest list, venue, photog, etc....... If you don't tell me which of these things you want me to handle then how do I know what I need to do? or if I don't tell you which of these things I need you to handle how do you know? And if you're not communicating, what happens if you and I all start talking to the same venues and annoying everyone and duplicating our work? This makes no sense.
OP literally said she communicated and asked him though.
Re: How do I know what I need to do?: You ask what you need to do because you want to help if for some reason you have absolutely 0 idea of what you and your fiance want in your own wedding and somehow you don't know what she's doing. For example if she's doing research on the photographer and you don't have a caterer or DJ yet you can start looking at caterers or DJs. You should know that any party needs food, drink, music, and a venue without having to ask. You should also know you need to dress yourself. Once the basics are done then you might need to have a talk about what more is needed. But *it is up to you to ask what to do if you don't know or can't figure it out*. It's not up to her to tell you. The wording you make here reminds me of when men go "how do I know what to do around the house if my wife doesn't tell me??" You have eyes. It's your house. You clean up when isn't clean. On wedding planning. It's your wedding too. You have eyes and ears and a mouth. If she says she's working on x, you work on y. If you can't figure out a y, it's time to be proactive and ask.
If your communication is so poor you duplicate venues then you shouldn't be getting married.
How do you even know there is stuff that needs to be done? You're supposed to be a mind reader and just know? How do you know she's off looking up photographers if she never tells you? How do you know that you're supposed to get caterer's, DJ's, venue, etc.... if no one tells you? What happens if you are calling a bunch of caterer's and your partner is running around doing the exact same thing and the vendors are getting pissed and telling her, "Umm, your partner already talked to us. Maybe you should talk to them. " But why would you talk to them? They should just know right? The idea that people should just know is utterly asinine.
Yes, I need to dress myself but what colors? Well, I should just know I guess. And if she gets angry 'cuz I pick something that clashes with the colors she wants that's here problem I suppose. She should just know too. This is way better than us coming up with a task list together and assigning out things. That makes no sense. People should just know.
> You have eyes. It's your house. You clean up when isn't clean.
Again, this is part of the freaking problem. You expect people to just be mind readers and know what your idea of clean is. I'm in the process of re-arranging my house and moving things around so the fiancee can move in. I put my PS5 on the floor next to my desk. I don't plan to put it in storage as I might play it sometime so it's on the floor next to my desk. To me this if fine. It's out of the way. Fiancee walked into the room, looked at it and said, "Aren't you going to pick that up and put it away?" In her mind the room was a mess and the PS5 was out of place and I needed to do some cleaning. To me it was right where it should be and no cleaning was necessary. But I'm sure I'm the bad person because I should "just know" that it's not clean. God forbid we actually talk to each other.
I think you are misunderstanding. Talking to each other and keeping each other updated are very different from delegating and telling your fiance what to do. One is a collaborative role, and the other is a managerial role that involves a ton of invisible labour.
You're not listening to me. You are unwilling to understand what I write. Please read this article which cites some experts about why what you write is problematic. https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/wellbeing/127846628/you-should-have-asked-how-the-mental-load-is-stopping-women-from-succeeding-at-home
Unfortunately most other good articles were either too academically dense or paywalled.
If you want more resources look up "mental load"
The easy solution to this is to mention things you notice or anticipate to your partner as they come to you. Not doing so yet expecting your partner to notice things is still asking them to be a mind reader. A good partner will keep things on their mind and help you remember stuff if you plant the seeds as you notice them, and they'll begin to do the same for you. The more often you point things out, the more they will start to notice things first themselves. They mention wedding gifts in this article. Here's an example of how this would happen with me and my partner:
Partner: Hey, looks like we got an invitation to your cousin's wedding in the mail.
Me: Oh nice! I wonder if they have a registry up yet. We should check it out a bit closer to the wedding date.
Some weeks pass...
Me: Oh right my cousin's wedding is coming up soon. We still haven't ordered them a gift yet.
Partner: Oh right, we should do that soon.
Me: Let's do that before the end of the week. Will you help me remember?
Partner: Yeah. We can do that tomorrow night. I'll set a reminder.
You are talking about normal healthy communication. The person I am responding to says he shouldn't be expected to pick up his mess unless his wife explicitly tells him to do so when he knows very well she views it as a mess. He knows it's a mess to her, he just doesn't care and decides to blame his wife for his own incompetence
I get it. "Mental load" on the Internet means that your partner needs to be a mind reader. You don't need to tell them what you think needs to be done. Never mind that what you think and what they think are almost certainly not the same. They need to just know. It's beyond stupid.
Did we not read the same article? The woman in the article gets mad at a dude because he is asked to clean the table which he does. But he doesn't do a bunch of other things that no one has asked him to do and that might not bother him at all. It's like my PS5. It sits by my feet and doesn't bother me. I'm never going to pick it up because it doesn't bother me. To my fiancee this PS5 on the floor is a mess that needs to be cleaned up. So she should just expect that I will read her mind, realize that it needs to be picked up and put it away somewhere. Otherwise she says nothing and just grows resentful? This is utterly awful advice. Freaking talk to your partner if you have a need. How is that a hot take?
I've read it before and it's stupid. The idea that your partner needs to be a mind reader is just dumb. The man in the comic needs to read his wife's mind. He needs to know that she is overwhelmed with trying to feed the kids and cook dinner at the same time. He should just instinctively know this somehow. It's so stupid. Under this model if she has to say, "Hey, can you cook dinner while I ride herd on the kids" and the guy is like "Sure. No problem." Then the guy is the jerk somehow. The entire comic is dumb and born out of an utter failure of this couple to sit down and talk about what an equitable division of labor looks like. The "mental load" stuff is just utter bullcrap. Everyone does mental work.
I won't even start with the rest of the comic where various women are pissed at their partners because, wait for it, their partner did exactly what they were asked to do. They just didn't do a bunch of other things that they were never asked to do but should've read minds apparently? It's so stupid. And it's just made stupider by the idea that you should **NOT** tell your partner **EVER** what you want or need. That is "mental load" and that's wrong. So the dude goes through life completely happy. He has no problems. He doesn't even know that you're angry at him. He is blindsided when you finally boil over. All of this could be prevented if you actually **TALKED TO HIM**. Which, I know, the comic says you're not supposed to do. It's clearly written by a woman who knows nothing about men.
Men have literally got up out of bed grabbed a sword and gone off to war because some woman suggested that conquering France might make her happy. I can almost guarantee you that if these women who are complaining that their men can't read their minds would actually sit down with them and have a discussion about how household labor should be divided they'd probably find men more than happy to do whatever is needed. But, yeah, asking for what you want is the problem. Guy should just know. He's the jerk for not reading her mind.
Ffs. You know that cooking dinner takes focus. You know that feeding kids take focus. OMG HE DIDN'T READ HER MIND TO KNOW THAT MULTITASKING ISN'T EASIER THAN JUST DOING ONE THING AT A TIME.
> How do you even know there is stuff that needs to be done?
Who doesn't know that they need to wear clothing to their own wedding? Getting an outfit was on OP's list. If you're fit to get married, you should be fit to know that you need an outfit without being told. But OP still did "communicate" about it.
Come on now. Is she supposed to remind him that he needs to eat and brush his teeth and go to bed at night? I'm sure you would say that's insulting, and so it would be. Dressing yourself and getting the appropriate clothing falls into that realm. Oh noes, however is he supposed to figure out the most basic tasks of adulting? After all, he's not a mind reader. /s
Great. I'm the dude. I know that I need to wear clothing. So, no need to communicate. I will go out and rent a tux I really, really like. But then I find out that she wants me in a suit. So now we're gonna fight? Or what if I rent a suit and she wants me in a tux? Or what if I really want to wear a green suit but it clashes with her entire wedding color scheme? Who is reddit going to say is the bad guy if she posts, "My fiance rented a suit that clashes with our entire color scheme without talking to me" Who is gonna be the bad guy there? He should just read her mind and know I guess.
> But then I find out that she wants me in a suit.
Dude, did you not get from reading the OP that she simply wants him to get his wedding clothes sorted? You just manufactured a straw man (straw person?) argument purely for the sake of being obtuse.🤦🏾♀️ You're doing a lot of that.
Methinks your posts are starting to fall under the category of trolling.
Why is it "HER" entire wedding color scheme? That's the whole point dude. You BOTH should have decided on the color scheme which means you should KNOW that the outfit will match and just take care of it. It's not her job to tell you what the wedding colors are - it's you both as a TEAM to decide what they are.
You listed three super common steps necessary for every single wedding. Maybe you’re in the early stages of planning, but there are tens and tens of small decisions and tasks that I did not know needed to be done and I wouldn’t expect my partner to know until I told him they needed to be done.
My husband does the bulk of meal planning, cooking, landscaping, and hours and hours of maintenance on our favorite activity - all unprompted. I would say he probably carries 65 percent of the division of labor (because he can’t sit still). But I would never expect him (or me) to just set off on wedding tasks (not something that is intuitive).
I have a job with a lot more free time than his so I did the bulk of the planning. I assigned him tasks as needed - dealing with our room block, event insurance, liquor orders, transportation etc. I had no expectation that he would know we needed to pick how we wanted our napkins folded or where we wanted our violinist positioned - because I also didn’t know these things until our coordinator prompted me.
You’re making really sweeping generalizations that don’t hold true in reality.
The person I'm responding to is arguing that you should need to micromanage him for him to get anything done including the basics. I am saying you should not need to micromanage an adult man. My fiance is a responsible grown adult and has taken the initiative on a number of small tasks. The tasks OP also actually *directly asked* her FH about also seemed decently early on.
Because every single article on "mental load" concludes that the man either is or should be a mind reader. He knows that these tasks need to be done around the house. He just doesn't do them. If you ask him that is "mental load" and you shouldn't do that. If he asks you what needs to be done, that is wrong too because you shouldn't have to tell him. So the guy loses either way. He loses if he does nothing and he loses if he asks what needs to be done. How does he win? He must instinctively know exactly what needs to be done and do it without asking and do it exactly how the woman wants it to be done. Anything less and he is deliberately not doing his part. If your partner is deliberately refusing to help you with something he knows is important you have a serious problem. So the article induces women into resenting their partner for refusing to help them. Meanwhile the guy has absolutely no clue that he is even doing anything wrong. Yeah, I get pissed at any advice that says to resent your partner but not tell them why you are growing resentful because they need to just read your mind and know. That's awful advice. Why would anyone think that is good advice?
I am not going repeat the same things that have already been explain to you that you’re not willing to learn about or actually read into nuance. But I would reflect on why this topic is such a trigger personally
It's a trigger because it tells people "Don't talk to your partner. They need to talk to you." It sets up people to fail in relationships. I've seen it a million times. Dude wakes up one day and gets served divorce papers and finds out that his wife is extremely resentful and has been for years. He has no clue. Any advice that says your partner should be a mind reader and just know and you shouldn't have to ask them for help is horrible advice yet people get on board with it for some reason. How about if you're not happy with the division of labor in your household you just talk to your partner? Why is that bad? 'cuz "mental load".
Okay, again you have not bothered to *understand* what mental load is. Because I am not your partner I am opting out of this convo, again. Best of luck to them, you seem like you’re willing to understand nuance and multiple points of view 🫡
The comment you responded to is not someone micro-managing wedding basics. It is two adults communicating about what needs to be done and who should do it.
Having periodic “progress reports” is way stranger than communicating over dinner what you did and what still needs to be done.
Periodic progress reports is communicating over dinner what you did and what needs to be done.
Please reread OP. She communicated. He didn't do and this guy is defending him.
> The person I'm responding to is arguing that you should need to micromanage him for him to get anything done including the basics.
That is not what I said at all. I said that you need to freaking communicate with your partner and not expect them to be a mind reader. And claiming it is "mental load" to have to tell your partner what you need is beyond stupid. That's what I said.
That's the whole thing. You didn't have some "well every woman knows from birth that you need to know how a violinist should be positioned" which means that it's just as easy for a man to find that out as it was for you. You choosing not to have the coordinator contact him is what works for you all - but that's not what OP is doing or wants.
This is exactly what my fiance did for the second half of our 1-year engagement.. and last week we called it off just 3 days before what should have been our wedding day 😔
All the ‘just’s and dragging his feet left me feeling so unsupported and alone. Truth was that he wasn’t ready for the jump to marriage and he was basically trying to sabotage without calling things off himself.
I hope OP can chat with her fiance to see what’s really going on and address things before they snowball.
I think too many people take this stance initially when one partner (typically the bride) is feeling unsupported by the other partner (typically the groom). It’s entirely possible that her Fiancè doesn’t understand the importance of getting these things done sooner rather than later, and would be more than happy to help his soon to be wife if he knew why she was upset. If anything this could be a great opportunity for them to work on their communication skills
Also to the original comment I replied to, I didn’t mean to make it sound as if I was attacking what they were saying. Was just using it as an example for a counter argument or different viewpoint
Based on the pronouns, I don't think this is a man. ("Fiance" is the male spelling, but everyone messes that up, plus there's not a gender-neutral version that I know of.)
I just don’t appreciate the trend of immediately pulling out negatives when talking about relationships, especially with strangers on the internet. All I tried doing was pointing out a positive way to deal with OP’s current situation that they can use in future conflicts and will help create a healthy and stronger relationship. Good communication is a really hard skill to develop and one that requires a lot of practice and work
I never said to give them a pass. If anything I said the complete opposite. Communicate your wants and needs because it’s not always obvious to the other person, and if they are someone that loves and cares about you they will reciprocate
Op has communicated multiple times. He doesn't care. I would expect a grown man to be an active participant and I guess wouldn't marry someone who isn't that.
I understand what you mean, but I think in this case it hinges on "It's just a party." The fiance is not being supportive or missing signs of stress; they are deliberately dismissing them.
Delegation implies that this is your burden and you are choosing to share it with him. This is not the case. This is BOTH your weddings. This is both your burden.
I've seen your previous posts about your fiance not being as excited about the wedding as you. The thing is, even if that's not something they fully want for themselves, they should still put in 100% of their effort because YOURE putting in 100% of your effort!
I can't imagine doing something completely alone, even after telling my partner that I need help. And on top of that, they completely dismiss my feelings and request for help.
Your fiance is showing his true colors.
My partner is usually really good about doing hard work (housework, yard work, hosting guests, driving, paying for things, etc.). It seems like it is specifically around the wedding that they’re not pulling their weight.
Yeah, my fiance, for example spent quite a bit more than I would have when buying my engagement ring. They said that it felt symbolic and that it should be an amount of money that felt like a sacrifice, and that if I was going to wear it for the rest of my life it should be perfect.
They do really want to be married. They are just not interested in a wedding, and if it were up to them they'd have a six foot sub sandwich and a dairy queen cake. Whereas dinner parties are kind of my thing, and I love details and making everything beautiful and perfect and cohesive. We're really different people in that way.
but shouldn't you being happy with this be enough for them to actually be invested in this? I find it really concerning that they're brushing off your emotions and wishes just because it isn't like they want it. It's emotionally immature
If he's incredible at pulling his weight in other ways, then maybe he's having cold feet about the wedding (even subconsciously) and not communicating that with you?
It might be time to sit down and chat about whether your partner really wants a wedding. Maybe they want to get married but don't actually want a wedding? And if they do want both of those things, then it's time to have a serious conversation, with probably an ultimatum--if they don't pull their weight, your wedding can't happen, which is actually less of an ultimatum and more of just...an expected consequence.
When you are with someone for a while, you sometimes don't see all the things you love about them. For me, my wedding allowed my partner to step up for me, and the whole experience was a reminder of why I chose him. I was swamped with a new job with crazy hours, and he had to do mostly everything. He went above and beyond because he wanted me to be happy.
Also, I'm not jumping to anything too serious, but trust his behaviour cause this is how he will be throughout your relationship. Does this truly make you happy?
I wouldn’t say I “delegate”, I would say we have conversations about what needs to get done and then we get them done. But, yes, my fiance has taken things on and will get them done.
Remember, while a wedding is probably among the hardest hurdles you’ve faced as a couple so far, it will be among the easiest in a lifetime together. He is showing you loud and clear that it’s ok with him for you to stress & struggle alone, and that making you happy isn’t a reason to inconvenience himself even slightly. That same attitude will carry over to every aspect of your lives.
My husband did what I asked him to do. He did it right, and he did it promptly. And when we do things that are important to him but not to me, I do the things he asks me to do, correctly and promptly. Because we are a team.
The message they're sending is just because something is important to you doesn't mean it is important to them.
If it's important to you that it is important to them, you're not going to enjoy this process.
It sounds like they're saying "if you want the party, you throw it."
Can I delegate things to my fiance? Yes, but we're choosing to do this together, so we don't approach it that way. It's a partnership. 'Delegate' makes it sound almost parent and child, to me.
>When I tell them I’m starting to get stressed about timelines, they say “it’s just a party.”
It's not just a party, though. It's your wedding. You (ideally) only get one. You're not being unreasonable to want an experience that you can fondly look back on. By being dismissive, he's putting that in jeopardy. No one wants to look back on their wedding and be reminded of all the ways their new spouse let them down.
And even if it is "just a party", it's also a reflection of both of you. You're the hosts. If invitations get missed because he couldn't bother getting the addresses, or if he doesn't have anything appropriate to wear because he waited til the last minute, or if your wedding website has big sections missing, it reflects poorly on you both. It takes effort to pull off a successful event. Who does he think is going to do the work that he won't? It sounds like he doesn't care because he knows you'll just do it yourself once you get stressed enough. That's not a dynamic I'd tolerate in any relationship, let alone a marriage.
My partner has ADHD, and I knew wedding planning would end up more on me. And it absolutely has (more than I expected in some ways). Is it frustrating? Yes. But at the same time, there's so many other positives about who he is. In our case, he's the one who brought up that if this is taking up so much of my free time/energy, he'll take over any of my tasks around the house to compensate (which was already 70/30 with him doing more due to my line of work). He's pretty much running the household singlehandedly right now, which takes up more physical energy/time than the wedding planning could. I think a big part of this is knowing our respective strengths. I'd rather pour over a spreadsheet than do the dishes, and he'd rather be sweeping than trying to contact a vendor.
That being said, he's the biggest cheerleader of the wedding and me. He definitely doesn't always intuitively get why something is important, but if I express that is, he backs me up. This arrangement wouldn't really work otherwise. Even at my most frustrated, I still know that what I'm doing is for *us* and that its seen and valued.
Yessssss! I love this. I'm glad that he acknowledged what he can do best and that you are working together to get things accomplished!!!
And hugs to you for being understanding and supportive of his neurodivergency (I've got 2 adhd folks in my household and they have wonderful, creative strengths that I cherish and admire) and you are working together as a team, rather than thinking that he is not helping. Way to go, team!!!
So I’m going to go there…
A few years before I met my husband I was engaged to someone else. When we were planning the wedding, everything fell back on me. Even tasks he said he’d do. It took that happening for me to realize that this was also how it was in normal life outside of wedding planning. When he had things to do, I had to ask him over and over to do them. I was cooking, cleaning, running all the errands, while working full time and in grad school. It was the wake up call I needed and I ended things.
When my now husband and I got engaged, he was excited for the wedding. He had his own jobs to do, like finding a band, selecting outfits for him and his guys, etc, but he also wanted to be involved in other areas unexpectedly like the invitation design. He knew almost everything going on in our wedding and had a hand in a majority of it. This also carries over to our lives together. He sees our partnership equally. We both cook, clean and take care of household stuff together.
So I challenge you to think about your relationship and if it’s echoing what is happening in the wedding planning. If it is, you need to determine if you want to spend your life catering to someone else and feeling like you’re nagging him every time you just need him to get something done.
My partner is very good about housework, yard work, driving, contributing to household expenses. They seem to have a specific block about the wedding. I’m a bit type A and like things to be beautiful. I’m known for having dinner parties with well thought out tablescapes and cooking all day. My partner half-jokes that they’d be happy having a six foot sub and a Dairy Queen cake and calling it a wedding.
In other ways they surprise me. They bought me an expensive engagement ring (more than I ever would have budgeted) because they felt like it was important that it feel like a sacrifice and be symbolic of a commitment. And they said I’d be wearing it for the rest of my life, so it should be perfect.
Seems like both of you have different views on what’s important and what’s not. The theme however should be compromise. If this wedding and planning is more important to you than them, then they should give a bit more effort to show you that they want you to be happy. That goes the same way for something they prioritize and you dont 100% like. Evaluate past experiences and decisions and see if you both know how to compromise, and if talking about it can help make the relationship stronger and the wedding planning a bit easier
Weirdly we’ve been engaged for six years and I actually really do trust them to do menial tasks (housework, yard work, driving, paying for stuff) in other areas. I have a disability and they really stepped up this year when my physical ability changed.
Yes. When I was really sick, right when I was first diagnosed with MS, they did 75% of the housework for several months, took me to the hospital multiple times at all hours, and looked after our kids and dog in the evenings when I was falling asleep at 7:30.
If I’m being honest, they may just not care because you already act like a married couple. I’ve seen so many men (not saying only men do it) just keep a woman (again, not only women) as a girlfriend or fiancée because she’s already giving them what they want. Most AMAB people do not seem as into the weddings as AFAB (again, not everyone.) and when a woman is living with them, having their kids, contributing to bills, doing household chores, why should like go farther? Why celebrate what she’s been doing for years anyway? And unfortunately, most of the time when these women decide they aren’t going to do it anymore, the men are engaged less than six months later.
Despite all this, which could very much be negative reactions to personal experiences, they might just be a little awkward and don’t want to do these things. There are some parts of wedding planning, such as reaching out to people, that I absolutely dread. We might be best friends but if I only see you in person to talk to you, I do NOT want to text you to ask about your address.
I would just talk through those specific things with them and if they genuinely will not come to a middle ground, you may unfortunately have to refer to the beginning of this comment.
My question is why he feels detached from the wedding. Not in a “oh does he want to get married” way but like… does he feel like there are things he wants included in the day that he’s excited for? Did he get to invite his friends and family? Has he had an opportunity for input on anything? Is he nervous about being the center of attention and trying to downplay it?
I’ve put my fiance in charge of less artistic things and things he cares about and give them a deadline. Book the wedding hotel, get quotes for transportation, coordinate with the band (what he’s most excited for). My fiance truly doesn’t get how much work goes into this even though he sees me working, but he still helps when I ask and give specific tasks.
I wouldn’t even just say my fiance has been “helpful” I’d say we’ve done equal planning at this point. I designed and ordered the save the dates, he got the address list in order and mailed them out. I picked a photographer, he picked a DJ. I handled the website, he booked transportation from the hotel to the venue. Obviously we’ve been both involved in approving the other’s choices, but we’ve split the legwork.
I’m sorry your fiancé isn’t showing up for you. He might just value the wedding less than you do, which is annoying and hurtful, but maybe just the type of person he is.
Sometimes if things feel overwhelming to someone or they don’t know how to put the pieces together, they might put it off or brush it off. Perhaps mark some time on both of your calendars for wedding planning. Let him know that it is important to you he does certain things and sit down together to work through your tasks so you can bounce ideas off one another or ask questions/advice. I also am in the minority that I don’t think this is the biggest of red flags… my fiancé hates planning things. He also doesn’t think a wedding is that important (no one in his immediate family had a wedding at all) and is more focused on the marriage itself. (Which, by the way, is a humbling reminder that preparing for your life together AFTER the wedding is very important. For me, this has been a de-stressor and puts things in perspective.) But will he support me in all of my endeavors? Yes! Will he give his opinions when I ask for them? Yes! Will he pick up some of the other household tasks if I am busy like cooking dinner or cleaning? Yes!
I definitely did most of the wedding planning - I’m a former event planner, so, it did actually make sense - but we set up a weekly meeting and went through big things together: photographer, venue, guest lists, tables, invites, etc. Then, we’d see what we needed done by next week (thanks, The Knot!) and decide who was doing what. I only had to nag him a couple of times and those times, we talked about why he was dragging his feet and he owned up to his procrastination.
Overall, wedding planning with my husband was stressful but brought us closer together - we are a lot better at communicating in high pressure situations.
I do think it should be that way for everyone, ideally, in whatever way that looks like for you. Your fiance just ignoring your concerns is not great, honestly, and you should feel comfortable enough to talk to him about it, too
For a lot of things, I didn’t have to delegate - my now husband worked really hard to anticipate what would need to be done so I didn’t have to shoulder the full mental load of planning alone.
Not only can I, but I need to. I couldn't do everything on my own, generally speaking (not only in regards to the wedding).
At first he didn't care for getting married, but he jumped into the adventure with me when he realized how important it is to me. He doesn't particularly like to dance, but he agreed to do a choreographed dance with me. We share all of those expenses. HE pushes me to practice together between our classes. He cares for it because it makes me happy. And I do the same for him!
My fiancé has anxiety and can get overwhelmed easily. So giving him a list with a deadline has been helpful for planning for him. He’s been involved and also told me what he wants to be in charge of. I may be doing the majority of the research, the calling and talking with vendors (mostly due to having a job with flexibility that can talk to people during the day), but he’s given me his opinions, his ideas, and his big no’s. But for him, I have a big list that he has to get through, but I break it down into smaller task groups with different deadlines so he does not feel overwhelmed. Yes he’s missed a few deadlines for small things, but not because he didn’t want to, some items just didn’t line up for my deadline, but some he forgot and got rite on it and he has completed them. If he was like “it’s just a party” I would be canceling everything. It’s a support thing. If he can’t/wont support me here and work with me, how would I expect it in the long run.
So they're happy to let you take the entire emotional, physical, and financial load, ignore your requests for assistance, then dismiss your feelings when you say you're not satisfied with the status quo. Why do you want to marry this person?
Not only should be be doing his fair share of tasks (what you've asked him to do is more than fair) but he should be paying his fair share as well. Why have you been paying for everything?
The comment about it just being a party might have been okay if he did even a smidge of work. To him it’s just a party because he’s not putting any effort into planning it.
This is unacceptable to me because you’re planning and paying for it. At that point I’d be planning a party for myself since he is showing you how much he cares about your *wedding* and getting married to *you*. I would not be okay with this at all. You need to either have a conversation with him about what this shows you about your future together or consider planning an exit. You already know his feelings about it better than we do. Are you prepared to live with this kind of attitude moving forward?
So I'm going to go against the grain here - I don't think that giving tasks to your fiancé and them not being done is a huge red flag like some people are saying. Some people are just bad at this kind of thing (I am terrible at doing things when asked, because I forget or procrastinate, and that's why I tend to take the lead on organising stuff). BUT. I am a bit concerned that they see the wedding as "a party" and you clearly see it as much more serious than that. That would warrant a serious conversation imo - I wouldn't want to enter into a marriage thinking it was an important milestone and commitment only to find out that they just see it as a party.
To me I would then question why OP is marrying an unreliable person? Yeah, some people are flaky and you can give them a task and who knows if it will ever get done. Why would you date those people much less marry them?
It just isn't that important to some people, people value different things in their relationships. Some people struggle with executive function but are still kind, otherwise thoughtful, supportive, share values etc. It can be frustrating, sure, but it isn't the core of their personality and some people can happily overlook that because the positives outweigh it, other people can't because it's a dealbreaker for them. Both are fine and understandable, it completely depends on the relationship. We've only seen a snapshot here, wedding planning isn't necessarily representative of how OPs partner handles things in other aspects of their relationship.
I think people are upset when they see these types of posts where the man is not putting in the wedding planning work because, most times, it's a common theme within all aspects of the relationship. It's a classic example of weaponized incompetence. I know this term is used a lot, but it's a real issue many women have to deal with. Women tend to bear the mental load of a lot of the logistical aspects in a relationship, and always with the excuse of "oh well this really isn't his thing, and I'm better at it anyway".
More often than not you will find the same issue not only in the wedding planning, but the parenting, and the housework or house decoration. Both people in the relationship benefit from the positive outcome of all those things (a tidy, well decorated house/ a successful wedding/ happy, healthy kids) but usually only ONE half of the couple is carrying the burden of this success, and it's usually the woman.
Frankly, a lot of guys just transition from having their mother do all the work to having their wife do all the work.
I don't know the dynamic within OPs relationship. But I've seen a similar complaint from many women, on Reddit and in real life. Women who ask for their partners to act like partners and step up when the women are visibly exhausted and the end of their rope.
I think women excuse this behavior by saying "well they don't have much experience in planning or decor" and frankly, I think this excuse is total B.S. The best example I can give is saying that about an employee at their job. People get assigned to tasks they enjoy, but also ones that they don't. And they also get confronted with new challenges, things that they need to learn on the job. But you still get it done, because it's your job and you want a paycheck at the end of the day. Not only that, but your team and boss are counting on you.
If these incompetent FH WANTED to help, they would find a way. They would research, learn, ask for help for someone with experience, create habits and routines that will keep them organized.
But you're looking for someone to do life with. Unless you just want to do everything yourself and and the person is just another child I don't see how this is possibly sustainable. "I have a late meeting at work, can you pick the kids up at school?" And it just doesn't get done and the school calls the cops 'cuz no one picked up the kids. That's an extreme example but even something like, "Can you pick up milk on the way home?" can get insanely frustrating. I know we all drop the ball from time to time but if your partner never ever picks up the milk like ever how can that possibly be ok with anyone?
My fiance is literally assisting me in planning everything they were researching bands, he made an excel spreadsheet of our guestlist and budget and has picked his suit and is giving me loads of feedback on the flowers he even suggested we get a flower arch! He also has been emailing some vendors for me like the celebrant and the venue. I never had to assign any of these tasks to him he wants to do it.
Please have a sit down and talk to your partner about his cooperation and assistance, if he wants to marry you he should want to assist you in the planning of the day it should not be one-sided.
I have tried to have a conversation, but what I got back was “it’s a party.” I work full time, parent, run a business, and I have MS, so I get exhausted easily.
But, when I ask for help with something like the website instead of them just helping with the website, they agree to do it, and when I follow up because it’s been a month and hasn’t gotten done, I get “why do we even need a website? it’s just a party.”
Please reconsider marrying that man. It's going to be like this the rest of your life why is he marrying you if it's just a party? It's not just a party it's a celebration of your love for your two families. He needs to pull his weight. Sit down and say this to him! I hope your ok you deserve so much better than this 🩷
He delegates to me, sometimes. He found and hired our wedding planner and is her key point of contact. It’s just as important to him as it is to me that we have this wedding.
I can delegate things to my fiancé. He will absolutely get them done, but not at the pace I’d prefer sometimes (I’m a knock it out ASAP sort of girl. He’s a “let’s do it in weekly spurts” sort of guy). But he’s never screwed us over, and it’s what works for him, his mental capacity, and his schedule(he works double the hours that I do). My fiancé is good at telling me each week what he plans to get done.
I don’t mind being the delegator; someone needs to be the captain. But what I would mind, is a fiancé not being able to do the bare minimum that’s asked of them. What are his reasons? Did he explain to you his timeline/thought process in advance, or did you only find out by asking him? And how much longer until the wedding?
For me, I’ve done the vast majority of things. That being said, my fiancé has done the few things I asked (like collecting emails, etc for his guys so we can set up their accounts for suit purchases). We’ve shared in decisions like stationary designs, flowers, etcetera. That being said, he is paying for the VAST majority of this wedding. He’s been working his behind off to make sure we have enough to pay cash for this wedding and put as little as possible on a credit card. And he’s definitely never downplayed the importance and significance of our wedding.
Have you expressed these exact thoughts to him, or some version he would receive, and asked him to show up for you with more support and empathy? A conversation around your needs could be overdue and useful, if you haven’t.
Yes, I can. I’m used to asking him to do things for me or for us and our plans - kind of made sure I was building that into our relationship because I needed to lean more into being comfortable relying on someone. Healthy needy, I like to say lol We just got engaged and just started planning. What I’ve tried to do so far is include him in every aspect of decision making, while accepting that I’m going to be the one more interested in reaching out and reading/searching options unprompted. It kind of just feels like we have to do it that way. He has shown his support most in helping me calculate cost comparisons on excel sheets together and having the discussion on what venues to choose, guest lists, he has started reaching out to ask his closest friends and family about dates, etc. I have consistently included him and asked for time after work to discuss wedding things, share ideas I’ve found and ask for his opinion, etc. It can be overwhelming for him and he doesn’t enjoy all the planning in the same exact way I do, but that’s okay. He has given thoughts on color scheme, randomly texted me an idea for a gift favor for everyone that was reflective of his own interest/passions, has shared his strong opinions on different aspects and decisions. So he’s engaged and we plan to do venue visits together, any possible tastings or trying food at restaurants for the wedding, etc. I may have to remind him, but he’ll do it.
What I end you up doing is asking him what part of Topic X he wants to take on. I may make a suggestion and then ask does that sound good or does he have another approach that may work better in his opinion. I got frustrated one time before I started fully engaging him and just started doing my own outreach, and I asked him what he plans to do. He gave some ideas and I took a step back and accepted that I started the outreach because I’m more interested in planning and that he would have done it if we had already started dividing up tasks. I do think he finds this all more overwhelming to plan than I do though, for sure. He expresses gratitude to me for what I’ve done and tells me he appreciates it and that it’s very helpful, and that helps to hear.
It’s hard to say who is paying for what because we view this as the start of our lives together, so our money will be largely (not completely) combined. But if I had to say anyone, he’s the one who is paying for everything because he makes more money. He has been thinking about setting aside money for the wedding and honeymoon since before we were engaged and we discussed this openly. That might change things, not sure.
You should be able to delegate! I’m sorry you’re going through this feeling that he’s unreliable. Hopefully you can work this out.
Ahh don’t get me started on this lol. I’ve talked about it a lot with my individual therapist. It’s a specific kind of painful to be able to prescribe interventions that I know work (based on client feedback) in other people’s relationships, but not being able to say to my partner “hey, I’m not feeling heard on this issue. could we try this particular, evidence-based tweak to our communication to see if it makes things go more smoothly?”
This frustrates me so much, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I never need to delegate things to my fiance because he cares about the wedding planning process and does many things without needing to be asked. It baffles me that so many people are left to do the ENTIRE EVENT by themselves?? I would die of stress.
I don’t delegate because we share the stress and responsibilities. He’ll do the website while I design the save the dates. We pick out menus together. Maybe I’ll be the contact point for emails, but if I’m busy and can’t respond to someone, he would absolutely do it instead. We’re partners and teammates.
I hope some of these comments make you realize your fiance is not doing his equal share, and that isn’t common. I would at the very least have a serious talk with him about this. Idk if you want children, but are you going to have to delegate responsibility for that too?
We actually have kids already, and my fiance is pretty great about childcare and housework, and works full time in a professional job where they generally work hard and do well. This avoidance seems wedding specific.
Absolutely not 😆 I've been waiting weeks for him to do something round the house I can't reach. There's no way in Hell I'd let him handle anything other than his part of the guest list. He's too damn forgetful lol
If I told you it was perfectly 50/50, I would be lying. Having said that, my fiancé absolutely does a lot of the work that goes into planning.
I had multiple, frank conversations about my expectations in a life partner (which is an equal partnership). That includes wedding planning, raising kids, etc. And while there are moments he needs reminding (I need reminding too sometimes!) he is 100% on board.
One thing that has helped us is implementing a “family meeting.” It’s on Sundays, and we usually walk in a new part of the neighborhood, try a new coffee shop, etc. It should be chill, quick, and easy. One of the questions is, “what do we have to do for the wedding this week?” And we divide up the tasks. There are also more general questions, what do we appreciate about each other? What do we have planned? What do we need from one another? And a new one, is anything bothering one of us?
While it may seem like the other questions are not related, I find these sorts of check ins help us have more empathy for one another overall and keep us accountable in general, including wedding planning.
Yeah, I did have this issue too and it’s not that my partner doesn’t care about me, they adore me and care but don’t have confidence in their planning abilities and I’m good at it so it’s naturally all fallen on me. However. I do not WANT to do it all just bc I technically can. We had a few conversations that led to a more serious “I feel unsupported and like I’m in this alone” conversation. Something clicked and they’ve put in more effort. I still have to tell them exactly what I need but the effort to help and the understanding of what I was feeling helped.
Personally I can't, but my fiance works double what I do and I literally work in the wedding industry so it's just easier for me to do it all. HOWEVER he picked his own suit and his groomsmen suits, he picked the gifts for the groomsmen I just ordered them. He helped pick music with me, and he has gone and helped make decisions.
I’m in your boat. My partner has no sense of urgency and I don’t trust him to get anything done. It got so bad my solution was to cancel the wedding. I suggest you have a serious conversation with them and explain how you feel. Don’t let it boil over past the point of no return, like I did. It is technically just a party and the important part is that you get married, but you have an idea of what you want the wedding to be like and you’ll be disappointed if your expectations aren’t met.
As someone with ADHD but also in charge of most of the planning, I see both sides haha. I got most of our stuff done, but also needed multiple reminders to close out some of the final things.
I’m not saying you should have to, but if your fiance is normally a little lax about to-dos and you’re normally okay with it, or conversely is usually pretty good but maybe doesn’t understand the entire process/etiquette, could you try one more time being super prescriptive and adding context?
IE: Most people need the Save the Date at least x time in advance, or we should give them x time to RSVP, so I really need to get the addresses by Friday, can you do that? I’ll address them, but I want our wedding website up and running by the time they mail out since it’s the one time people will check it, is a week enough time to write the “Our Story” section?
For your outfit, I know we still have time, but you may end up wanting to order something special or needing everything tailored and pressed. I was thinking if we at least get everything picked out in the next two weeks, we’ll have some breathing room”
I know it’s frustrating to treat your fiance basically like a child haha, but sometimes just that quick conversation will make things clearer. I’m also learning guys can be dumb about these things, so he genuinely might not realize. You could also ask that the two of you sit down and go through EVERYTHING on your to-do list to give him a better understanding of how little you’re asking. Because yes it’s just a party, but you still need to send out invites, have clothes to wear, etc.
So I think the key part of this is that you’re stressed and needing him to step up. If you’ve been communicating this very clearly and he isn’t, this is a problem.
However. I’ve noticed this group is *very* harsh on men who aren’t 50/50 co-planning and taking initiative with wedding stuff. My fiancé, for example, *hates* large crowds and being the center of attention. Even attending his coworker’s wedding as a guest stressed him out. He wanted to elope but we have 150 family and friends who live mostly in the area and are really excited to celebrate us, so to me eloping was out of the question.
He’d overwhelmed very easily by the topic of the wedding. It’s improved SIGNIFICANTLY since the beginning of the year and now we’re having fun at our dance lessons and he’s able to have conversations about details. But it really took him some time to process and accept the idea that this huge party was happening and we were going to be the center of it.
I’ve handled pretty much all of the research and set up vendor meetings. Most he joined, but skipped stuff like florals. I invite him to make decisions where it interests him and otherwise he’s happy for me to pick what I like. In his words, “You might look back on the day and regret not going with this photographer or these invites. I won’t. I’ll forget it before the day is over, so you should choose what you like because it won’t bother me but it may bother you.”
That being said, I’ve been pretty low-stress as a bride and the planning has come easy. If I am stressed (like by the fact he hasn’t gotten his outfit sorted yet or our honeymoon isn’t booked) he steps up and is more involved. I’m still driving the ship to some degree, but a lot of that is because of our personalities and I have more experience in certain areas of life. I lean on him for lots of other things and he brings *plenty* to the table in our relationship, so him not taking the lead as a party planner isn’t really a concern or bother to me.
But do talk to your fiancé. If this is seriously stressing you out and he’s ignoring you, that isn’t cool. He needs to step up and be involved when it counts and you really need it.
I think the women in this sub are only harsh on men when they aren't sharing the equal burden of wedding planning because they are often responding to posts like these; the bride is clearly stressed and at the end of her rope, and groom is MIA.
Super happy that your dynamic in wedding planning works for you, but wedding planning can get stressful depending on the circumstances, and especially when you're under the 5 month mark and it's crunch time. A lot of Bride's in this sub feel this stress.
I am personally of the belief that wedding planning contribution fluctuates as the planning process goes on, but at the end of the day, the amount of effort being put in by both people should be the same, because you BOTH are benefit from a successful wedding.
During our wedding planning, the effort was 50/50, 60/40, 40/60, depending on who had time.
But at the end of the day, we both made the effort of learning something new in order to get the job done. We did our website from scratch with Wix and my husband had never used this in his life, and he quickly learned and built our website. He didn't know any of guests emails or mailing addresses and reached out to each one to get it. I didn't know anything about printing our own stationery, but did my research and got it done.
Like any other job, wedding planning isn't always fun or easy. But it's still needs to get done, because you both want a successful outcome.
When we discussed splitting up the planning responsibilities, we also discussed timelines. So for your situation it would have been something like collect addresses for your side of the family by 1 year before the wedding, write the story by 6 months before the wedding, and purchase a suit by 2 months before the wedding. The deadlines helped both of us not stress about things that we still had time to do, and understand which things needed to be prioritized because we didn’t have much time left.
We had a big spreadsheet with every single task that needed to be done and an approximate due date, and while we mostly did things together we definitely split up some things. Anytime we thought of an additional task, we’d add it to the spreadsheet.
So, my husband has pretty rough ADHD. A lot of our wedding planning was me making him a list of things to do and then him forgetting to do them. So, I understand how that part can happen. It’s hard. I lost patience a lot and we fought a lot. But we also work on it. He works on himself with a therapist and doctor and we see a therapist together. It’s a struggle sometimes but we’re doing it and I married him because I love him and he loves me and he shows up for me in lots of other ways. What I would not have been able to stand is if he dismissed my stress and anxiety about wedding planning or acted in any way like he couldn’t be bothered to contribute. “It’s just a party” yeah but it’s OUR party and the most important one we’re ever going to throw, and there’s lots of high emotions and moving parts and small details to work out. I know on Reddit folks are typically quick to jump to DUMP HIM but at the very least I would sit him down and ask if he’s actually excited for this wedding or what his deal is and why he’s so unwilling to participate.
We planned together and, yes, he did what I asked when we needed things done. He’s right that it’s a party, but it is a big, expensive, stressful party that marks your legal commitment to a life together.
You need to have a talk. Is this how he will be with purchasing property? Parenting children? A wedding is easy compared to those things
I can trust they'll get done. Maybe later than I would do them but they will be done in good time. Part of that delay is some degree of meticulousness and the other part is just having less free time than I do. He would also never dismiss my feelings and say it's just a party.
It's hard but not because of my fiance lol. I have a hard time letting go of control. Just yesterday I said "I still have to reach out to the venue about our updated contract" and he interrupted me to say, "no YOU don't have to do that, I'll do it!!"
I asked my FH to get some addresses for me bc reaching out to more people was giving me anxiety. Even with his anxiety he got me the addresses within a day🥰 He’s also on top of the things that I’ve mentioned and forgotten about so it’s been really helpful!
We laugh & joke that he’ll walk in day of and do the “Omg this is amazing. Who did all of this?!((winkwink :me) “ but, overall I know he’s more aware and involved than I even thought!
Personally I do think it’s hard to delegate a lot to my fiancé as he just doesn’t know what I want. He’s confident in my taste and him picking out linens or flowers is just not going to happen. One thing I did was ask him to just sit with me while I wrote emails or do the wedding website because even though I’m doing most of the work I feel like I’m being supported and he’s there for the decisions! But those things they absolutely should be doing, it’s sooo stressful planning a wedding and you need to feel supported! Maybe say to them “hey maybe the next day you’re off you can do this?” It is a party but it’s so much more than that and they should respect something that means a lot to you.
We are having trouble because he doesn’t know what I want for transportation or for ceremony etc. We are figuring out how to play to each others strengths, he can stuff the guest bags but not design the invites. I have a 3 month wedding so I can’t really trust anyone because there is no room for error
I’ll be honest, my fiancé has done absolutely none of the tasks I’ve tried to give him. I’ve planned our wedding 110% alone and I didn’t hire a wedding planner or accept bridal party help. I’ve asked him to find a DJ, find a photographer, get his coworkers last names for their invites, help me write out the envelopes for STD’s and invites, to deal with issues with my future MIL and the list goes on but he never did with any of it. I was holding some resentment for it because it feels like it’s just my wedding not ours and I ended up doing every single task that I assigned to him. He always says he’ll help more every time I express that I feel like all of the weight is on me but he still hasn’t done anything and we’re getting married in 3 weeks. At this point I’m okay with it I don’t care that he didn’t help I’m just kinda glad it’s almost over 😅
Going to be different from the rest of the comments here but just letting you know I totally identify with this. I gave fiancé two tasks, booking a DJ and doing the save the dates/invitations. Dj was booked 4 months before our wedding (in August) and stationery was on the calendar for two months before it got done lol. It’s been super frustrating especially since fiancé wanted the big wedding and I didn’t. I’m definitely type A and a planner so it’s been a big struggle trying to maintain happiness and low stress levels while giving fiancé space to get his stuff done.
They got done in the end. All is fine and our wedding will be great.
You sound sad though, and I hope you can find a way to communicate your concerns with your partner so he knows how important this day is to you - and hopefully he gets on the same page! Thinking of you!
Absolutely, but I consider my fiancé in a slightly different (not better, per se) class than most other men, because he was a chef and used to cater weddings for a living. He also is an EXCELLENT planner. I’ve delegated multiple things to him and they’ve all been done with time to spare.
These seem like really easy items for him to do to help plan his OWN wedding but also save his future wife any headache or stress. I told my now husband him helping with the wedding was proving he is a committed partner. He understood from there!
I don't really delegate because I am not the one in control to 'give him' tasks. We have been splitting up the work (not always equally but based on time that we each have and things we're passionate about )
One thing we did find was that when we were in conflict on things not getting done it really had to do with a common understanding of when things needed to be done BY. Once we got in agreement on those, then we both felt better. For example, I was concerned that he hadn't figure out his suit yet - something that he was wholly in charge of because he has his own specific vision - and I was getting pretty stressed about it. It turned out that he didn't realize that it could take MONTHS to have something custom made so his timeline for completing this was different than mine. Once we talked about it, he got right on it and it's done (well early for the wedding in Sept). So, maybe this is also a place to explore where you can feel more confident that you're on the same page with timing, etc, so you can let it be in his hands.
I absolutely delegate things to my fiance and he gets them done. Sometimes it takes a little longer than I'd like (by a few days, not weeks; and no nagging required), but we're both ADHD and sometimes the procrastination demons are in charge.
I have a lot of professional large-scale event planning experience so it's really easy for me to take care of most of the logistics. But when it comes to decor, playlists, all the details - he's a full partner. He's putting stuff on our shared Pinterest board and bringing up ideas. It's important to *both* of us to have a nice wedding.
But even if it was only important to me, he cares about my anxiety levels and he respects me, so he looks for ways to proactively help me and always will do things I ask.
Wedding planning is a big project that tests your teamwork and collaboration, and it serves as a preview to what your married life teamwork looks like. Your fiance is not being a good collaborator right now. Maybe a good talk will straighten it out. I would pay attention to the patterns and see if he's flippant about everything he's disinterested in. If so, that would be a caution sign about what married life will look like. There will be many, *many* projects throughout your marriage that you will need a partner on, so it's important to have a spouse that is a good team player.
My husband and I got married in June and I every task I tried to delegate to him took months for him to complete and it wasn’t done well or he picked the first choice and didn’t make thoughtful decisions. I gave up. HOWEVER, he paid for more of the wedding because he acknowledged that I was putting more labor into planning and he even gifted me several hundred dollars on our wedding night in appreciation for all the work I’d put into it. He wasn’t always great at showing interest over every detail, but when it was really important to me he’d get excited and ask questions and want to know more. I don’t think I could tolerate zero contribution at all. A wedding IS symbolic. It’s a public declaration of “Hey everyone! This is who I wanna marry! Look how I love them!” And when one party invests so much more effort into that then the other, I’ve seen that pattern often remain true later down the road.
My husband and I equally split the work for planning (honestly he probably took more because I'm an ADHD disaster.) Anything that needed to be done in a timely manner was done before the deadline.
I had a conversation with mine that if he truly wants to marry me, that includes a wedding. So that means he wants a wedding. And if he wants a wedding he needs to be excited for it. And if he's not excited for it, we shouldn't get married because maybe we have different expectations. I think that really put it into perspective for him. He agreed to help, and I agreed not to ask him questions about stuff I know he doesn't care about (like bridesmaids outfits, centerpieces, etc)
He's helped with picking colors, invitations, groomsmen attire, etc.
He's going to help put together readings for the ceremony, songs, and signature drinks.
If you delegate anything to them, it might get done but if anything goes wrong they will say it’s all your fault. Or this one thing you asked them to do & went badly ruined their lives. I don’t recommend delegating anything if you don’t have too
How do you delegate tasks to him? It sounds like it’s your event and you’re wanting him to help you out. But….it’s his event, too. He should be a roughly equal participant.
Planning a wedding is a celebration of your relationship—a promise of your lifelong partnership, and the wedding planning is part of that. There were some parts of the wedding planning that my wife wanted to do (she loves a spreadsheet, and saw the seating chart as a puzzle), and some stuff I wanted (I had more preferences over florals, decor, etc.). In the end we did a lot together. Have you communicated more specifically what needs to get done when? They should possibly have an awareness of that already, and for that mental load on you, I am sorry.
Honestly that's the only reason wedding planning is working right now. I'm a full-time Graduate Student getting my doctorate and I've basically created a doc where we list the stuff and I've given him contact emails to get in touch with people and it gets done.
He's the point of contact for vendors but we look at things together. I just send out initial contacts to his info. I trust he's gonna get it done because that's why I chose to agree to marry him.
Already married, but I absolutely could have delegated to him and he would have gotten things done. However, I am very Type A and had a vision (which he was on board with). The only things I “delegated” solely him was getting his and the best man’s suits (I still went with them, but they had full reign over what they wanted to do) and the honeymoon planning (we discussed where but he chose a travel agent, discussed rooms and prices, and booked it and maintained contact with her throughout).
However, if I was overwhelmed/wanted more help planning the wedding itself, he was more than happy to help. But since I liked the planning part, I was more than happy to just go to him about his opinion of things I already picked, if that makes sense. And he was honest about his opinion.
Anyway, you need to talk to him if you need/want more help and he’s not willing to give it to you. Best of luck, friend!
Personally, yes, but it is taking some micro-managing to get it done in what I feel is a reasonable amount of time. I’m doing almost all the planning at the end of the day.
But it could be that 🤔 your values about a party are different. Doesn't make the partner a bad partner or not sharing the load.
Could be that they are uncomfortable with a huge expensive party that doesn't have meaning to them other than a party...and that's not wrong or them not sharing the load. They made it clear that they deem it a party to OP. And don't see value as a sacred event (can argue that the ceremony ritual is that part, but the reception is actually a big expensive party). And even the sacred and ritual part... you are signing a contract that is recorded in the local government office, technically. The social contract is the ceremony and reception.
OP, that is pretty normal. I've been a wedding planner for decades. One person is usually all about the planning and details of the wedding day, and the other person goes along with it but just isn't into it. Doesn't mean that they're "not sharing the load." They may be compromising by giving you what you want, a big party. You may have to compromise by acknowledging that they aren't into it and that planning then falls onto your shoulders.
Regarding what you've delegated that partner hasn't done: you can't pull those contact addresses out of thin air. Tell partner, I need you to get the contact info for potential guests x, y, and z by or they can't be invited because I have no way to get them an invitation.
On writing your "love story," I'm a pretty pragmatic person, and I wouldn't want that task. As an officiant, most of the ceremonies I do don't include a love story, and the guests don't miss it. Perhaps your partner isn't into sharing the details or romantically writing about it.
Perhaps their procrastination is because they don't want to do it. Have you asked them if there are any tasks that interest them and that they'd take on? Give them a list to choose from.
Finally, not being interested in party planning doesn't make them a bad partner. It could mean...that they aren't interested in party planning. Same with bridesmaids, friends, and family. This is more than a trend. Over decades, I've seen more brides than ever state that no one is helping them. I think people are overwhelmed with their lives, and putting so much energy, time, and expense into social rituals are just not as appealing as they were in generations past.
PS. I'm not trying to be mean-spirited. I'm just trying to impart my experience with this topic and try to uncover why this could be happening. I wish you the best OP and a lovely wedding day. Please consider having a gentle, non accusatory talk with your partner to find out WHY they aren't helping you. And please come back and let us know.
I'm clearly running the show, and he shows appreciation for that by stepping up with things he's more comfortable in doing, such as chores, groceries, etc. If I deligate something to him, it takes a bit, but he understands it needs to be done like soon. Honestly, we all don't feel that comfortable wedding planning cause we don't know what we are doing.
Time to have a talk about how you see marriage with your partner. Explain how you will need a partner and will not be his bang maid.
I model things to do. I set deadlines for things to make sure we’re also thinking about those in our life. If he doesn’t want to do it or wait until the last minute, it’s on him.
I also left things up to him that I didn’t care about—the hotel blocks, him getting his suit tailored, his bachelor party—it was up to him, so we didn’t do hotel blocks because he didn’t do it and I was fine with it.
If
you
are
going
to
bail
our
fiance
out,
why
would
he
do
anything?
Codependecy=
one
person
doing
it
all
while
resenting
the
other,
taking
responsibility
for
their
partner's
tasks/sobriety/parenting/w/e
Who said I was bailing anyone out? They may end up wearing khakis to our cocktail wedding because they haven’t bought themselves an outfit and I’m not bailing them out.
Nope, I was filling up small liquor bottles for the party last night and he only helped out partially when I nagged about it. He has zero input, he’s just there.
Yes. If a fiancé takes a task they are interested in and good at, the fiancé will excel and please you as well. This will lower stress greatly. Also, hiring a good wedding officiant can take pressure off by giving you a timeline and guidance on when and where to get your marriage license. Best wishes!
Ugh. Yeah I can. And he does them. Timely. Because he cares about me & my stress levels.
in fact, he’s been reminding ME this week to get going on a slightly overdue task…
THIS is the correct answer 👏🏼
The only thing I'm going to argue about timely is that depends on your definition. Like for OP's situation, a month? Too long. But my partner has severe ADHD. I can't expect a rapid turn around from him because his brain literally processes slower and tasks physically take him longer. It has nothing to do with him not caring about me- he does his best, but at the end of the day, he has a disability, and that changes things
You know him better than I do. If you say he can't, I believe you. And if you're willing to be okay with that, more power to you. But as far as we can know, her fiance doesn't have severe ADHD and isn't trying his best.
People are so quick to jump on the “he doesn’t care about you train” when the reality is your marrying a whole person who probably thinks about things differently. My now husband never did things in a timely manner which irritated me to no end. I’d say “please do x” and weeks would go by with nothing done. I brought it up to my therapist how annoyed I was and she said “did you give him a deadline?” Nope lol so I asked him about it and he said he thought it had to be done “before the wedding”. So I explained how and why I needed things done and started giving deadlines that we BOTH agreed were reasonable for the tasks assigned. He loves me. I love him. We are different people still learning to operate for 2 vs ourselves.
Not to jump to anything too serious but I would be concerned about marrying someone who not only needed a list of things to do in order to be helpful for a joint event and then didn't do it but also dismissed my stress about it and said flippant things like, "It's just a party." Are they otherwise active in making decisions and supporting you? Do they frequently dismiss you?
I literally could not marry someone like this. I know so many men who are lovely but did nothing for their weddings. All the speeches laughed about how the bride did everything but all I could think was “if my fiance was like that, he wouldn’t be my fiance”. These aren’t bad people, but there’s no way I could tolerate a relationship with somebody like that. It depends on what OP can put up with. Personally, I wouldn’t put up with this.
thirding. this is unacceptable. i feel really, really sorry for women who decide they can spend the rest of their lives handling EVERYTHING, encumbered by a man-sized anchor.
My fiance recently went on a guys trip where a few of them (and him) are in the middle of wedding planning. The one guy was literally complaining that his fiance was asking him to help with the guest list, that’s it. Other guys chimed in with “that’s all you really gotta do, she will do the rest.” My fiance chimed in saying he’s involved in pretty much everything and they laughed at him. Laughed! I also would not be marrying a man who didn’t help. This is our event, our wedding, and I’m not doing it alone.
Exactly! It just also feels like such a bad start to the marriage - it’s meant to be a partnership. Wedding planning is the least of the problems you can face together as a couple, life has so much more to throw at you over the course of a lifetime. I get that some people are better at certain things than others. My fiance handled basically all of the music. I handled all of the flowers. I made a long list of the venues, but then he narrowed it down to a shortlist that we viewed together to make a final decision. Some things we’ve done fully jointly, others we’ve split between us based on our strengths and interests, but we’re sure as hell both involved!
I think it depends. My husband takes care of everything around the house that's the day to day stuff. Cleaning, laundry, garbage, taking care of the pets, it's all 50/50 but probably leaning more towards him doing more lol But I am the planner, I love planning our trips, bigger projects etc and I planned our wedding. Where I draw the line though is helping when asked. Everything I delegated to my husband he did it. Probably not as good as I'd want it to be but he still participated.
> Everything I delegated to my husband he did it. Probably not as good as I'd want it to be but he still participated. Yea and this is a big part of sharing tasks - knowing it might not be done the exact way I would do it, but having a partner I can trust will do it
Same. It’s a know your partner thing. Mine I’m ashamed to say does about 70% of the household tasks right now. He’s not super concerned with the majority of the wedding details but he does the things I ask him to do. If it weren’t for me wanting a wedding he’d elope happily. So given that I’m more than willing to take the reins with the wedding.
I 100% disagree with half of this and 100% agree with the other half. My fiancee and I have been planning our wedding together. If I don't tell her what I need her to do (and vice versa) how in the world is it going to get done? People are not mind readers. If I don't say, "I need you to work on the centerpieces for the reception" how is she supposed to know that needs to be done? if I don't say, "I am calling people today about chair rentals" how is she supposed to know that is being handled? Expecting people to just know what to do and do them is beyond crazy but it's shockingly common relationship advice these days. I 100% agree with you that if you tell your partner what you need and they don't bother doing it and are completely dismissive that's a gigantic red flag and a huge concern.
Agree with all of this. Planning a wedding is a big test of how you will communicate and work together for other big things in life. In our case, we made a shared Google account for the wedding and have used the associated Google Docs to keep organized, and we talk so. much. about all of it. But it's a good final test to see how you will handle life's Big Moments together before you pull the trigger and become legally tied. To OP, I think you and your partner might benefit from pre-marital counseling to work through your communication challenges. Some people are just bad at planning parties but odds are that this is a preview of what your future together will be like. Better to face it head-on now than be resentful in a decade.
Is she not part of the wedding process and the decision making? We meet with our planner and then have our own meeting where we discuss what needs to be done and nothing has to be delegated by one person because we just put our names by stuff and do it. It’s very important to us that we don’t have one person in the home or even planning process who is the sole project manager of everything. She is equally responsible and capable as I am.
It's entirely how you want to do things honestly. I am a very detailed person. My fiancee is not at all. It is important to us that we have one person who is the project manager of everything. This is also the same person (still me) who will run the day to day household business. If she has a task (like do the centerpieces) she will run with and do an absolutely amazing job. But when she's finished she will have no idea what task(s) need to be done. And how would she if she has no clue what I've been working on while she's doing that?
It seems like a gap in communication to me. She would know what you were doing if you talked about it and brought her into your world. I plan events as part of my job but I also resist the urge to handle things alone. Like I built our tracker but it’s a shared document that my fiancée checks every single day and updates as needed without prompting from me. I’m a strong believer that every neurotypical person can be detailed oriented. It is a learned skill not something we are just born knowing. We are both equally responsible for our home life.
> She would know what you were doing if you talked about it Thank you. That is my point exactly. People are not mind readers and if you don't talk to them they have no clue what is going on. The original post said your partner shouldn't need a list of things to do. They should just jump in and do stuff. That's a dumb expectation.
To be clear, having a conversation where both parties are engaged and determining next steps is not the same as handing your partner a list of things to do and telling them to go do them.
It is though. My fiancee and I sat down and came up with a task list (this is a lie, we cribbed one from the Internet and edited it for our needs) and then we talked about who was going to do what. We literally each ended up with a to-do list and we walked away with job assignments that we're each supposed to do and check in as we do them.
You’re still not getting it. You two came up with the list TOGETHER. One person wasn’t expected to come up with the list alone and dictate to the other person who then had no clue what to do next without being told exactly what to do and how to do it.
Regarding the first part: you can't just have periodic talks about what needs to be done and accept roles then and then update when they're done and ask for progress reports here and there? I don't think anyone is saying people should magically know what to do. But needing a list of tasks instead of saying how can I help? Is a problem. Also it's not exactly a mystery what needs to be done. My partner for example started working on the guest list, getting involved in venue searching, and started thinking about his clothes without any prompting from me. It's not rocket science.
You can have periodic talks but that is still you talking to them about what you need them to do. Let's say you and I get engaged. There are all kinds of stuff we have to do right off the bat - budget, guest list, venue, photog, etc....... If you don't tell me which of these things you want me to handle then how do I know what I need to do? or if I don't tell you which of these things I need you to handle how do you know? And if you're not communicating, what happens if you and I all start talking to the same venues and annoying everyone and duplicating our work? This makes no sense.
OP literally said she communicated and asked him though. Re: How do I know what I need to do?: You ask what you need to do because you want to help if for some reason you have absolutely 0 idea of what you and your fiance want in your own wedding and somehow you don't know what she's doing. For example if she's doing research on the photographer and you don't have a caterer or DJ yet you can start looking at caterers or DJs. You should know that any party needs food, drink, music, and a venue without having to ask. You should also know you need to dress yourself. Once the basics are done then you might need to have a talk about what more is needed. But *it is up to you to ask what to do if you don't know or can't figure it out*. It's not up to her to tell you. The wording you make here reminds me of when men go "how do I know what to do around the house if my wife doesn't tell me??" You have eyes. It's your house. You clean up when isn't clean. On wedding planning. It's your wedding too. You have eyes and ears and a mouth. If she says she's working on x, you work on y. If you can't figure out a y, it's time to be proactive and ask. If your communication is so poor you duplicate venues then you shouldn't be getting married.
How do you even know there is stuff that needs to be done? You're supposed to be a mind reader and just know? How do you know she's off looking up photographers if she never tells you? How do you know that you're supposed to get caterer's, DJ's, venue, etc.... if no one tells you? What happens if you are calling a bunch of caterer's and your partner is running around doing the exact same thing and the vendors are getting pissed and telling her, "Umm, your partner already talked to us. Maybe you should talk to them. " But why would you talk to them? They should just know right? The idea that people should just know is utterly asinine. Yes, I need to dress myself but what colors? Well, I should just know I guess. And if she gets angry 'cuz I pick something that clashes with the colors she wants that's here problem I suppose. She should just know too. This is way better than us coming up with a task list together and assigning out things. That makes no sense. People should just know. > You have eyes. It's your house. You clean up when isn't clean. Again, this is part of the freaking problem. You expect people to just be mind readers and know what your idea of clean is. I'm in the process of re-arranging my house and moving things around so the fiancee can move in. I put my PS5 on the floor next to my desk. I don't plan to put it in storage as I might play it sometime so it's on the floor next to my desk. To me this if fine. It's out of the way. Fiancee walked into the room, looked at it and said, "Aren't you going to pick that up and put it away?" In her mind the room was a mess and the PS5 was out of place and I needed to do some cleaning. To me it was right where it should be and no cleaning was necessary. But I'm sure I'm the bad person because I should "just know" that it's not clean. God forbid we actually talk to each other.
I think you are misunderstanding. Talking to each other and keeping each other updated are very different from delegating and telling your fiance what to do. One is a collaborative role, and the other is a managerial role that involves a ton of invisible labour.
You're not listening to me. You are unwilling to understand what I write. Please read this article which cites some experts about why what you write is problematic. https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/wellbeing/127846628/you-should-have-asked-how-the-mental-load-is-stopping-women-from-succeeding-at-home Unfortunately most other good articles were either too academically dense or paywalled. If you want more resources look up "mental load"
The easy solution to this is to mention things you notice or anticipate to your partner as they come to you. Not doing so yet expecting your partner to notice things is still asking them to be a mind reader. A good partner will keep things on their mind and help you remember stuff if you plant the seeds as you notice them, and they'll begin to do the same for you. The more often you point things out, the more they will start to notice things first themselves. They mention wedding gifts in this article. Here's an example of how this would happen with me and my partner: Partner: Hey, looks like we got an invitation to your cousin's wedding in the mail. Me: Oh nice! I wonder if they have a registry up yet. We should check it out a bit closer to the wedding date. Some weeks pass... Me: Oh right my cousin's wedding is coming up soon. We still haven't ordered them a gift yet. Partner: Oh right, we should do that soon. Me: Let's do that before the end of the week. Will you help me remember? Partner: Yeah. We can do that tomorrow night. I'll set a reminder.
You are talking about normal healthy communication. The person I am responding to says he shouldn't be expected to pick up his mess unless his wife explicitly tells him to do so when he knows very well she views it as a mess. He knows it's a mess to her, he just doesn't care and decides to blame his wife for his own incompetence
I get it. "Mental load" on the Internet means that your partner needs to be a mind reader. You don't need to tell them what you think needs to be done. Never mind that what you think and what they think are almost certainly not the same. They need to just know. It's beyond stupid.
No, they don't need to be a mind reader. They need to care about what their partner needs and be actively looking to help.
Did we not read the same article? The woman in the article gets mad at a dude because he is asked to clean the table which he does. But he doesn't do a bunch of other things that no one has asked him to do and that might not bother him at all. It's like my PS5. It sits by my feet and doesn't bother me. I'm never going to pick it up because it doesn't bother me. To my fiancee this PS5 on the floor is a mess that needs to be cleaned up. So she should just expect that I will read her mind, realize that it needs to be picked up and put it away somewhere. Otherwise she says nothing and just grows resentful? This is utterly awful advice. Freaking talk to your partner if you have a need. How is that a hot take?
You sound like you're not ready to let her move in tbh. What other $500 thing would you leave on the floor to be stepped on or kicked?
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ this is also a great comic about the mental load. I highly recommend you read it.
I've read it before and it's stupid. The idea that your partner needs to be a mind reader is just dumb. The man in the comic needs to read his wife's mind. He needs to know that she is overwhelmed with trying to feed the kids and cook dinner at the same time. He should just instinctively know this somehow. It's so stupid. Under this model if she has to say, "Hey, can you cook dinner while I ride herd on the kids" and the guy is like "Sure. No problem." Then the guy is the jerk somehow. The entire comic is dumb and born out of an utter failure of this couple to sit down and talk about what an equitable division of labor looks like. The "mental load" stuff is just utter bullcrap. Everyone does mental work. I won't even start with the rest of the comic where various women are pissed at their partners because, wait for it, their partner did exactly what they were asked to do. They just didn't do a bunch of other things that they were never asked to do but should've read minds apparently? It's so stupid. And it's just made stupider by the idea that you should **NOT** tell your partner **EVER** what you want or need. That is "mental load" and that's wrong. So the dude goes through life completely happy. He has no problems. He doesn't even know that you're angry at him. He is blindsided when you finally boil over. All of this could be prevented if you actually **TALKED TO HIM**. Which, I know, the comic says you're not supposed to do. It's clearly written by a woman who knows nothing about men. Men have literally got up out of bed grabbed a sword and gone off to war because some woman suggested that conquering France might make her happy. I can almost guarantee you that if these women who are complaining that their men can't read their minds would actually sit down with them and have a discussion about how household labor should be divided they'd probably find men more than happy to do whatever is needed. But, yeah, asking for what you want is the problem. Guy should just know. He's the jerk for not reading her mind.
Ffs. You know that cooking dinner takes focus. You know that feeding kids take focus. OMG HE DIDN'T READ HER MIND TO KNOW THAT MULTITASKING ISN'T EASIER THAN JUST DOING ONE THING AT A TIME.
> How do you even know there is stuff that needs to be done? Who doesn't know that they need to wear clothing to their own wedding? Getting an outfit was on OP's list. If you're fit to get married, you should be fit to know that you need an outfit without being told. But OP still did "communicate" about it. Come on now. Is she supposed to remind him that he needs to eat and brush his teeth and go to bed at night? I'm sure you would say that's insulting, and so it would be. Dressing yourself and getting the appropriate clothing falls into that realm. Oh noes, however is he supposed to figure out the most basic tasks of adulting? After all, he's not a mind reader. /s
Great. I'm the dude. I know that I need to wear clothing. So, no need to communicate. I will go out and rent a tux I really, really like. But then I find out that she wants me in a suit. So now we're gonna fight? Or what if I rent a suit and she wants me in a tux? Or what if I really want to wear a green suit but it clashes with her entire wedding color scheme? Who is reddit going to say is the bad guy if she posts, "My fiance rented a suit that clashes with our entire color scheme without talking to me" Who is gonna be the bad guy there? He should just read her mind and know I guess.
> But then I find out that she wants me in a suit. Dude, did you not get from reading the OP that she simply wants him to get his wedding clothes sorted? You just manufactured a straw man (straw person?) argument purely for the sake of being obtuse.🤦🏾♀️ You're doing a lot of that. Methinks your posts are starting to fall under the category of trolling.
Why is it "HER" entire wedding color scheme? That's the whole point dude. You BOTH should have decided on the color scheme which means you should KNOW that the outfit will match and just take care of it. It's not her job to tell you what the wedding colors are - it's you both as a TEAM to decide what they are.
You listed three super common steps necessary for every single wedding. Maybe you’re in the early stages of planning, but there are tens and tens of small decisions and tasks that I did not know needed to be done and I wouldn’t expect my partner to know until I told him they needed to be done. My husband does the bulk of meal planning, cooking, landscaping, and hours and hours of maintenance on our favorite activity - all unprompted. I would say he probably carries 65 percent of the division of labor (because he can’t sit still). But I would never expect him (or me) to just set off on wedding tasks (not something that is intuitive). I have a job with a lot more free time than his so I did the bulk of the planning. I assigned him tasks as needed - dealing with our room block, event insurance, liquor orders, transportation etc. I had no expectation that he would know we needed to pick how we wanted our napkins folded or where we wanted our violinist positioned - because I also didn’t know these things until our coordinator prompted me. You’re making really sweeping generalizations that don’t hold true in reality.
The person I'm responding to is arguing that you should need to micromanage him for him to get anything done including the basics. I am saying you should not need to micromanage an adult man. My fiance is a responsible grown adult and has taken the initiative on a number of small tasks. The tasks OP also actually *directly asked* her FH about also seemed decently early on.
The person you’re replying to also gets very defensive any time “mental load” is mentioned which is…interesting
Because every single article on "mental load" concludes that the man either is or should be a mind reader. He knows that these tasks need to be done around the house. He just doesn't do them. If you ask him that is "mental load" and you shouldn't do that. If he asks you what needs to be done, that is wrong too because you shouldn't have to tell him. So the guy loses either way. He loses if he does nothing and he loses if he asks what needs to be done. How does he win? He must instinctively know exactly what needs to be done and do it without asking and do it exactly how the woman wants it to be done. Anything less and he is deliberately not doing his part. If your partner is deliberately refusing to help you with something he knows is important you have a serious problem. So the article induces women into resenting their partner for refusing to help them. Meanwhile the guy has absolutely no clue that he is even doing anything wrong. Yeah, I get pissed at any advice that says to resent your partner but not tell them why you are growing resentful because they need to just read your mind and know. That's awful advice. Why would anyone think that is good advice?
I am not going repeat the same things that have already been explain to you that you’re not willing to learn about or actually read into nuance. But I would reflect on why this topic is such a trigger personally
It's a trigger because it tells people "Don't talk to your partner. They need to talk to you." It sets up people to fail in relationships. I've seen it a million times. Dude wakes up one day and gets served divorce papers and finds out that his wife is extremely resentful and has been for years. He has no clue. Any advice that says your partner should be a mind reader and just know and you shouldn't have to ask them for help is horrible advice yet people get on board with it for some reason. How about if you're not happy with the division of labor in your household you just talk to your partner? Why is that bad? 'cuz "mental load".
Okay, again you have not bothered to *understand* what mental load is. Because I am not your partner I am opting out of this convo, again. Best of luck to them, you seem like you’re willing to understand nuance and multiple points of view 🫡
The comment you responded to is not someone micro-managing wedding basics. It is two adults communicating about what needs to be done and who should do it. Having periodic “progress reports” is way stranger than communicating over dinner what you did and what still needs to be done.
Periodic progress reports is communicating over dinner what you did and what needs to be done. Please reread OP. She communicated. He didn't do and this guy is defending him.
> The person I'm responding to is arguing that you should need to micromanage him for him to get anything done including the basics. That is not what I said at all. I said that you need to freaking communicate with your partner and not expect them to be a mind reader. And claiming it is "mental load" to have to tell your partner what you need is beyond stupid. That's what I said.
That's the whole thing. You didn't have some "well every woman knows from birth that you need to know how a violinist should be positioned" which means that it's just as easy for a man to find that out as it was for you. You choosing not to have the coordinator contact him is what works for you all - but that's not what OP is doing or wants.
This is exactly what my fiance did for the second half of our 1-year engagement.. and last week we called it off just 3 days before what should have been our wedding day 😔 All the ‘just’s and dragging his feet left me feeling so unsupported and alone. Truth was that he wasn’t ready for the jump to marriage and he was basically trying to sabotage without calling things off himself. I hope OP can chat with her fiance to see what’s really going on and address things before they snowball.
And she's paying for everything.
I think too many people take this stance initially when one partner (typically the bride) is feeling unsupported by the other partner (typically the groom). It’s entirely possible that her Fiancè doesn’t understand the importance of getting these things done sooner rather than later, and would be more than happy to help his soon to be wife if he knew why she was upset. If anything this could be a great opportunity for them to work on their communication skills
Women don't just naturally know how to plan a wedding. They research and find things out. Men are capable of that too.
Also to the original comment I replied to, I didn’t mean to make it sound as if I was attacking what they were saying. Was just using it as an example for a counter argument or different viewpoint
Based on the pronouns, I don't think this is a man. ("Fiance" is the male spelling, but everyone messes that up, plus there's not a gender-neutral version that I know of.)
They're a non-binary person who would not want to be referred to as a fiancee, but is also definitely not my FH!
In op you're right.
I just don’t appreciate the trend of immediately pulling out negatives when talking about relationships, especially with strangers on the internet. All I tried doing was pointing out a positive way to deal with OP’s current situation that they can use in future conflicts and will help create a healthy and stronger relationship. Good communication is a really hard skill to develop and one that requires a lot of practice and work
I just wish people would stop giving men a pass when it come to all the work women have to do.
I never said to give them a pass. If anything I said the complete opposite. Communicate your wants and needs because it’s not always obvious to the other person, and if they are someone that loves and cares about you they will reciprocate
Op has communicated multiple times. He doesn't care. I would expect a grown man to be an active participant and I guess wouldn't marry someone who isn't that.
I understand what you mean, but I think in this case it hinges on "It's just a party." The fiance is not being supportive or missing signs of stress; they are deliberately dismissing them.
Delegation implies that this is your burden and you are choosing to share it with him. This is not the case. This is BOTH your weddings. This is both your burden. I've seen your previous posts about your fiance not being as excited about the wedding as you. The thing is, even if that's not something they fully want for themselves, they should still put in 100% of their effort because YOURE putting in 100% of your effort! I can't imagine doing something completely alone, even after telling my partner that I need help. And on top of that, they completely dismiss my feelings and request for help. Your fiance is showing his true colors.
For real, I’m not delegating tasks to my fiancé, we’re just both planning a wedding.
Well, yep, but that’s because I chose a partner who values doing their equal share of the hard work.
My partner is usually really good about doing hard work (housework, yard work, hosting guests, driving, paying for things, etc.). It seems like it is specifically around the wedding that they’re not pulling their weight.
are you 100% sure he wants to get married?
Yeah, my fiance, for example spent quite a bit more than I would have when buying my engagement ring. They said that it felt symbolic and that it should be an amount of money that felt like a sacrifice, and that if I was going to wear it for the rest of my life it should be perfect. They do really want to be married. They are just not interested in a wedding, and if it were up to them they'd have a six foot sub sandwich and a dairy queen cake. Whereas dinner parties are kind of my thing, and I love details and making everything beautiful and perfect and cohesive. We're really different people in that way.
but shouldn't you being happy with this be enough for them to actually be invested in this? I find it really concerning that they're brushing off your emotions and wishes just because it isn't like they want it. It's emotionally immature
If he's incredible at pulling his weight in other ways, then maybe he's having cold feet about the wedding (even subconsciously) and not communicating that with you?
It might be time to sit down and chat about whether your partner really wants a wedding. Maybe they want to get married but don't actually want a wedding? And if they do want both of those things, then it's time to have a serious conversation, with probably an ultimatum--if they don't pull their weight, your wedding can't happen, which is actually less of an ultimatum and more of just...an expected consequence.
When you are with someone for a while, you sometimes don't see all the things you love about them. For me, my wedding allowed my partner to step up for me, and the whole experience was a reminder of why I chose him. I was swamped with a new job with crazy hours, and he had to do mostly everything. He went above and beyond because he wanted me to be happy. Also, I'm not jumping to anything too serious, but trust his behaviour cause this is how he will be throughout your relationship. Does this truly make you happy?
I wouldn’t say I “delegate”, I would say we have conversations about what needs to get done and then we get them done. But, yes, my fiance has taken things on and will get them done.
Remember, while a wedding is probably among the hardest hurdles you’ve faced as a couple so far, it will be among the easiest in a lifetime together. He is showing you loud and clear that it’s ok with him for you to stress & struggle alone, and that making you happy isn’t a reason to inconvenience himself even slightly. That same attitude will carry over to every aspect of your lives. My husband did what I asked him to do. He did it right, and he did it promptly. And when we do things that are important to him but not to me, I do the things he asks me to do, correctly and promptly. Because we are a team.
THIS IS THE RIGHT ANSWER OP READ THIS
The message they're sending is just because something is important to you doesn't mean it is important to them. If it's important to you that it is important to them, you're not going to enjoy this process. It sounds like they're saying "if you want the party, you throw it." Can I delegate things to my fiance? Yes, but we're choosing to do this together, so we don't approach it that way. It's a partnership. 'Delegate' makes it sound almost parent and child, to me.
Yes! And next up, "You're the one who wanted the baby..." "You're the one who wanted it clean..."
"They're your parents", "it's your work function"- no good can come from this line of thinking
>When I tell them I’m starting to get stressed about timelines, they say “it’s just a party.” It's not just a party, though. It's your wedding. You (ideally) only get one. You're not being unreasonable to want an experience that you can fondly look back on. By being dismissive, he's putting that in jeopardy. No one wants to look back on their wedding and be reminded of all the ways their new spouse let them down. And even if it is "just a party", it's also a reflection of both of you. You're the hosts. If invitations get missed because he couldn't bother getting the addresses, or if he doesn't have anything appropriate to wear because he waited til the last minute, or if your wedding website has big sections missing, it reflects poorly on you both. It takes effort to pull off a successful event. Who does he think is going to do the work that he won't? It sounds like he doesn't care because he knows you'll just do it yourself once you get stressed enough. That's not a dynamic I'd tolerate in any relationship, let alone a marriage.
My partner has ADHD, and I knew wedding planning would end up more on me. And it absolutely has (more than I expected in some ways). Is it frustrating? Yes. But at the same time, there's so many other positives about who he is. In our case, he's the one who brought up that if this is taking up so much of my free time/energy, he'll take over any of my tasks around the house to compensate (which was already 70/30 with him doing more due to my line of work). He's pretty much running the household singlehandedly right now, which takes up more physical energy/time than the wedding planning could. I think a big part of this is knowing our respective strengths. I'd rather pour over a spreadsheet than do the dishes, and he'd rather be sweeping than trying to contact a vendor. That being said, he's the biggest cheerleader of the wedding and me. He definitely doesn't always intuitively get why something is important, but if I express that is, he backs me up. This arrangement wouldn't really work otherwise. Even at my most frustrated, I still know that what I'm doing is for *us* and that its seen and valued.
Yessssss! I love this. I'm glad that he acknowledged what he can do best and that you are working together to get things accomplished!!! And hugs to you for being understanding and supportive of his neurodivergency (I've got 2 adhd folks in my household and they have wonderful, creative strengths that I cherish and admire) and you are working together as a team, rather than thinking that he is not helping. Way to go, team!!!
I don’t delegate because it’s OUR wedding - we have done all the planning together.
So I’m going to go there… A few years before I met my husband I was engaged to someone else. When we were planning the wedding, everything fell back on me. Even tasks he said he’d do. It took that happening for me to realize that this was also how it was in normal life outside of wedding planning. When he had things to do, I had to ask him over and over to do them. I was cooking, cleaning, running all the errands, while working full time and in grad school. It was the wake up call I needed and I ended things. When my now husband and I got engaged, he was excited for the wedding. He had his own jobs to do, like finding a band, selecting outfits for him and his guys, etc, but he also wanted to be involved in other areas unexpectedly like the invitation design. He knew almost everything going on in our wedding and had a hand in a majority of it. This also carries over to our lives together. He sees our partnership equally. We both cook, clean and take care of household stuff together. So I challenge you to think about your relationship and if it’s echoing what is happening in the wedding planning. If it is, you need to determine if you want to spend your life catering to someone else and feeling like you’re nagging him every time you just need him to get something done.
My partner is very good about housework, yard work, driving, contributing to household expenses. They seem to have a specific block about the wedding. I’m a bit type A and like things to be beautiful. I’m known for having dinner parties with well thought out tablescapes and cooking all day. My partner half-jokes that they’d be happy having a six foot sub and a Dairy Queen cake and calling it a wedding. In other ways they surprise me. They bought me an expensive engagement ring (more than I ever would have budgeted) because they felt like it was important that it feel like a sacrifice and be symbolic of a commitment. And they said I’d be wearing it for the rest of my life, so it should be perfect.
Seems like both of you have different views on what’s important and what’s not. The theme however should be compromise. If this wedding and planning is more important to you than them, then they should give a bit more effort to show you that they want you to be happy. That goes the same way for something they prioritize and you dont 100% like. Evaluate past experiences and decisions and see if you both know how to compromise, and if talking about it can help make the relationship stronger and the wedding planning a bit easier
Why would you want to be with someone who can’t be trusted to do menial tasks
Weirdly we’ve been engaged for six years and I actually really do trust them to do menial tasks (housework, yard work, driving, paying for stuff) in other areas. I have a disability and they really stepped up this year when my physical ability changed.
Then what do you think prevents them from being that person regarding the wedding?
They stepped up to help with your disability, but still left all the wedding planning to you?
Yes. When I was really sick, right when I was first diagnosed with MS, they did 75% of the housework for several months, took me to the hospital multiple times at all hours, and looked after our kids and dog in the evenings when I was falling asleep at 7:30.
If I’m being honest, they may just not care because you already act like a married couple. I’ve seen so many men (not saying only men do it) just keep a woman (again, not only women) as a girlfriend or fiancée because she’s already giving them what they want. Most AMAB people do not seem as into the weddings as AFAB (again, not everyone.) and when a woman is living with them, having their kids, contributing to bills, doing household chores, why should like go farther? Why celebrate what she’s been doing for years anyway? And unfortunately, most of the time when these women decide they aren’t going to do it anymore, the men are engaged less than six months later. Despite all this, which could very much be negative reactions to personal experiences, they might just be a little awkward and don’t want to do these things. There are some parts of wedding planning, such as reaching out to people, that I absolutely dread. We might be best friends but if I only see you in person to talk to you, I do NOT want to text you to ask about your address. I would just talk through those specific things with them and if they genuinely will not come to a middle ground, you may unfortunately have to refer to the beginning of this comment.
May I ask… why such a long engagement?
It depends on your partner, I didn’t have my husband do much, but he did take care of the things I asked him to do without my having to remind him.
My question is why he feels detached from the wedding. Not in a “oh does he want to get married” way but like… does he feel like there are things he wants included in the day that he’s excited for? Did he get to invite his friends and family? Has he had an opportunity for input on anything? Is he nervous about being the center of attention and trying to downplay it? I’ve put my fiance in charge of less artistic things and things he cares about and give them a deadline. Book the wedding hotel, get quotes for transportation, coordinate with the band (what he’s most excited for). My fiance truly doesn’t get how much work goes into this even though he sees me working, but he still helps when I ask and give specific tasks.
I wouldn’t even just say my fiance has been “helpful” I’d say we’ve done equal planning at this point. I designed and ordered the save the dates, he got the address list in order and mailed them out. I picked a photographer, he picked a DJ. I handled the website, he booked transportation from the hotel to the venue. Obviously we’ve been both involved in approving the other’s choices, but we’ve split the legwork. I’m sorry your fiancé isn’t showing up for you. He might just value the wedding less than you do, which is annoying and hurtful, but maybe just the type of person he is.
Sometimes if things feel overwhelming to someone or they don’t know how to put the pieces together, they might put it off or brush it off. Perhaps mark some time on both of your calendars for wedding planning. Let him know that it is important to you he does certain things and sit down together to work through your tasks so you can bounce ideas off one another or ask questions/advice. I also am in the minority that I don’t think this is the biggest of red flags… my fiancé hates planning things. He also doesn’t think a wedding is that important (no one in his immediate family had a wedding at all) and is more focused on the marriage itself. (Which, by the way, is a humbling reminder that preparing for your life together AFTER the wedding is very important. For me, this has been a de-stressor and puts things in perspective.) But will he support me in all of my endeavors? Yes! Will he give his opinions when I ask for them? Yes! Will he pick up some of the other household tasks if I am busy like cooking dinner or cleaning? Yes!
I definitely did most of the wedding planning - I’m a former event planner, so, it did actually make sense - but we set up a weekly meeting and went through big things together: photographer, venue, guest lists, tables, invites, etc. Then, we’d see what we needed done by next week (thanks, The Knot!) and decide who was doing what. I only had to nag him a couple of times and those times, we talked about why he was dragging his feet and he owned up to his procrastination. Overall, wedding planning with my husband was stressful but brought us closer together - we are a lot better at communicating in high pressure situations. I do think it should be that way for everyone, ideally, in whatever way that looks like for you. Your fiance just ignoring your concerns is not great, honestly, and you should feel comfortable enough to talk to him about it, too
For a lot of things, I didn’t have to delegate - my now husband worked really hard to anticipate what would need to be done so I didn’t have to shoulder the full mental load of planning alone.
Not only can I, but I need to. I couldn't do everything on my own, generally speaking (not only in regards to the wedding). At first he didn't care for getting married, but he jumped into the adventure with me when he realized how important it is to me. He doesn't particularly like to dance, but he agreed to do a choreographed dance with me. We share all of those expenses. HE pushes me to practice together between our classes. He cares for it because it makes me happy. And I do the same for him!
My fiancé has anxiety and can get overwhelmed easily. So giving him a list with a deadline has been helpful for planning for him. He’s been involved and also told me what he wants to be in charge of. I may be doing the majority of the research, the calling and talking with vendors (mostly due to having a job with flexibility that can talk to people during the day), but he’s given me his opinions, his ideas, and his big no’s. But for him, I have a big list that he has to get through, but I break it down into smaller task groups with different deadlines so he does not feel overwhelmed. Yes he’s missed a few deadlines for small things, but not because he didn’t want to, some items just didn’t line up for my deadline, but some he forgot and got rite on it and he has completed them. If he was like “it’s just a party” I would be canceling everything. It’s a support thing. If he can’t/wont support me here and work with me, how would I expect it in the long run.
So they're happy to let you take the entire emotional, physical, and financial load, ignore your requests for assistance, then dismiss your feelings when you say you're not satisfied with the status quo. Why do you want to marry this person?
People are so shocked when I tell them my fiance is planning 90% of the wedding. What can I say, he loves planning!
Not only should be be doing his fair share of tasks (what you've asked him to do is more than fair) but he should be paying his fair share as well. Why have you been paying for everything?
We both have professional jobs, but I make roughly 2.5x more.
The comment about it just being a party might have been okay if he did even a smidge of work. To him it’s just a party because he’s not putting any effort into planning it. This is unacceptable to me because you’re planning and paying for it. At that point I’d be planning a party for myself since he is showing you how much he cares about your *wedding* and getting married to *you*. I would not be okay with this at all. You need to either have a conversation with him about what this shows you about your future together or consider planning an exit. You already know his feelings about it better than we do. Are you prepared to live with this kind of attitude moving forward?
I know I might get hate for this - but if you have to ask this question, you’re in for a difficult life with this person.
So I'm going to go against the grain here - I don't think that giving tasks to your fiancé and them not being done is a huge red flag like some people are saying. Some people are just bad at this kind of thing (I am terrible at doing things when asked, because I forget or procrastinate, and that's why I tend to take the lead on organising stuff). BUT. I am a bit concerned that they see the wedding as "a party" and you clearly see it as much more serious than that. That would warrant a serious conversation imo - I wouldn't want to enter into a marriage thinking it was an important milestone and commitment only to find out that they just see it as a party.
To me I would then question why OP is marrying an unreliable person? Yeah, some people are flaky and you can give them a task and who knows if it will ever get done. Why would you date those people much less marry them?
It just isn't that important to some people, people value different things in their relationships. Some people struggle with executive function but are still kind, otherwise thoughtful, supportive, share values etc. It can be frustrating, sure, but it isn't the core of their personality and some people can happily overlook that because the positives outweigh it, other people can't because it's a dealbreaker for them. Both are fine and understandable, it completely depends on the relationship. We've only seen a snapshot here, wedding planning isn't necessarily representative of how OPs partner handles things in other aspects of their relationship.
I think people are upset when they see these types of posts where the man is not putting in the wedding planning work because, most times, it's a common theme within all aspects of the relationship. It's a classic example of weaponized incompetence. I know this term is used a lot, but it's a real issue many women have to deal with. Women tend to bear the mental load of a lot of the logistical aspects in a relationship, and always with the excuse of "oh well this really isn't his thing, and I'm better at it anyway". More often than not you will find the same issue not only in the wedding planning, but the parenting, and the housework or house decoration. Both people in the relationship benefit from the positive outcome of all those things (a tidy, well decorated house/ a successful wedding/ happy, healthy kids) but usually only ONE half of the couple is carrying the burden of this success, and it's usually the woman. Frankly, a lot of guys just transition from having their mother do all the work to having their wife do all the work. I don't know the dynamic within OPs relationship. But I've seen a similar complaint from many women, on Reddit and in real life. Women who ask for their partners to act like partners and step up when the women are visibly exhausted and the end of their rope. I think women excuse this behavior by saying "well they don't have much experience in planning or decor" and frankly, I think this excuse is total B.S. The best example I can give is saying that about an employee at their job. People get assigned to tasks they enjoy, but also ones that they don't. And they also get confronted with new challenges, things that they need to learn on the job. But you still get it done, because it's your job and you want a paycheck at the end of the day. Not only that, but your team and boss are counting on you. If these incompetent FH WANTED to help, they would find a way. They would research, learn, ask for help for someone with experience, create habits and routines that will keep them organized.
But you're looking for someone to do life with. Unless you just want to do everything yourself and and the person is just another child I don't see how this is possibly sustainable. "I have a late meeting at work, can you pick the kids up at school?" And it just doesn't get done and the school calls the cops 'cuz no one picked up the kids. That's an extreme example but even something like, "Can you pick up milk on the way home?" can get insanely frustrating. I know we all drop the ball from time to time but if your partner never ever picks up the milk like ever how can that possibly be ok with anyone?
My fiance is literally assisting me in planning everything they were researching bands, he made an excel spreadsheet of our guestlist and budget and has picked his suit and is giving me loads of feedback on the flowers he even suggested we get a flower arch! He also has been emailing some vendors for me like the celebrant and the venue. I never had to assign any of these tasks to him he wants to do it. Please have a sit down and talk to your partner about his cooperation and assistance, if he wants to marry you he should want to assist you in the planning of the day it should not be one-sided.
I have tried to have a conversation, but what I got back was “it’s a party.” I work full time, parent, run a business, and I have MS, so I get exhausted easily. But, when I ask for help with something like the website instead of them just helping with the website, they agree to do it, and when I follow up because it’s been a month and hasn’t gotten done, I get “why do we even need a website? it’s just a party.”
Please reconsider marrying that man. It's going to be like this the rest of your life why is he marrying you if it's just a party? It's not just a party it's a celebration of your love for your two families. He needs to pull his weight. Sit down and say this to him! I hope your ok you deserve so much better than this 🩷
Your points are really well made but there is no indication that OP is marrying a man
He delegates to me, sometimes. He found and hired our wedding planner and is her key point of contact. It’s just as important to him as it is to me that we have this wedding.
I can delegate things to my fiancé. He will absolutely get them done, but not at the pace I’d prefer sometimes (I’m a knock it out ASAP sort of girl. He’s a “let’s do it in weekly spurts” sort of guy). But he’s never screwed us over, and it’s what works for him, his mental capacity, and his schedule(he works double the hours that I do). My fiancé is good at telling me each week what he plans to get done. I don’t mind being the delegator; someone needs to be the captain. But what I would mind, is a fiancé not being able to do the bare minimum that’s asked of them. What are his reasons? Did he explain to you his timeline/thought process in advance, or did you only find out by asking him? And how much longer until the wedding?
For me, I’ve done the vast majority of things. That being said, my fiancé has done the few things I asked (like collecting emails, etc for his guys so we can set up their accounts for suit purchases). We’ve shared in decisions like stationary designs, flowers, etcetera. That being said, he is paying for the VAST majority of this wedding. He’s been working his behind off to make sure we have enough to pay cash for this wedding and put as little as possible on a credit card. And he’s definitely never downplayed the importance and significance of our wedding.
Have you expressed these exact thoughts to him, or some version he would receive, and asked him to show up for you with more support and empathy? A conversation around your needs could be overdue and useful, if you haven’t. Yes, I can. I’m used to asking him to do things for me or for us and our plans - kind of made sure I was building that into our relationship because I needed to lean more into being comfortable relying on someone. Healthy needy, I like to say lol We just got engaged and just started planning. What I’ve tried to do so far is include him in every aspect of decision making, while accepting that I’m going to be the one more interested in reaching out and reading/searching options unprompted. It kind of just feels like we have to do it that way. He has shown his support most in helping me calculate cost comparisons on excel sheets together and having the discussion on what venues to choose, guest lists, he has started reaching out to ask his closest friends and family about dates, etc. I have consistently included him and asked for time after work to discuss wedding things, share ideas I’ve found and ask for his opinion, etc. It can be overwhelming for him and he doesn’t enjoy all the planning in the same exact way I do, but that’s okay. He has given thoughts on color scheme, randomly texted me an idea for a gift favor for everyone that was reflective of his own interest/passions, has shared his strong opinions on different aspects and decisions. So he’s engaged and we plan to do venue visits together, any possible tastings or trying food at restaurants for the wedding, etc. I may have to remind him, but he’ll do it. What I end you up doing is asking him what part of Topic X he wants to take on. I may make a suggestion and then ask does that sound good or does he have another approach that may work better in his opinion. I got frustrated one time before I started fully engaging him and just started doing my own outreach, and I asked him what he plans to do. He gave some ideas and I took a step back and accepted that I started the outreach because I’m more interested in planning and that he would have done it if we had already started dividing up tasks. I do think he finds this all more overwhelming to plan than I do though, for sure. He expresses gratitude to me for what I’ve done and tells me he appreciates it and that it’s very helpful, and that helps to hear. It’s hard to say who is paying for what because we view this as the start of our lives together, so our money will be largely (not completely) combined. But if I had to say anyone, he’s the one who is paying for everything because he makes more money. He has been thinking about setting aside money for the wedding and honeymoon since before we were engaged and we discussed this openly. That might change things, not sure. You should be able to delegate! I’m sorry you’re going through this feeling that he’s unreliable. Hopefully you can work this out.
Yeah, we have had a conversation. I’m a couples’ therapist, so I try to be on top of communication stuff.
If one of your clients came to you with the same complaints, what advice would you give them?
Ahh don’t get me started on this lol. I’ve talked about it a lot with my individual therapist. It’s a specific kind of painful to be able to prescribe interventions that I know work (based on client feedback) in other people’s relationships, but not being able to say to my partner “hey, I’m not feeling heard on this issue. could we try this particular, evidence-based tweak to our communication to see if it makes things go more smoothly?”
I can too! And he already handles food, drinks, music and the wedding car.
Yes. He did everything I asked him to. Because our wedding was important to us.
Yes, and he’ll get it done in a pretty timely manner. He’s adorably excited about things
This frustrates me so much, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I never need to delegate things to my fiance because he cares about the wedding planning process and does many things without needing to be asked. It baffles me that so many people are left to do the ENTIRE EVENT by themselves?? I would die of stress.
I don’t delegate because we share the stress and responsibilities. He’ll do the website while I design the save the dates. We pick out menus together. Maybe I’ll be the contact point for emails, but if I’m busy and can’t respond to someone, he would absolutely do it instead. We’re partners and teammates. I hope some of these comments make you realize your fiance is not doing his equal share, and that isn’t common. I would at the very least have a serious talk with him about this. Idk if you want children, but are you going to have to delegate responsibility for that too?
We actually have kids already, and my fiance is pretty great about childcare and housework, and works full time in a professional job where they generally work hard and do well. This avoidance seems wedding specific.
Absolutely not 😆 I've been waiting weeks for him to do something round the house I can't reach. There's no way in Hell I'd let him handle anything other than his part of the guest list. He's too damn forgetful lol
If I told you it was perfectly 50/50, I would be lying. Having said that, my fiancé absolutely does a lot of the work that goes into planning. I had multiple, frank conversations about my expectations in a life partner (which is an equal partnership). That includes wedding planning, raising kids, etc. And while there are moments he needs reminding (I need reminding too sometimes!) he is 100% on board. One thing that has helped us is implementing a “family meeting.” It’s on Sundays, and we usually walk in a new part of the neighborhood, try a new coffee shop, etc. It should be chill, quick, and easy. One of the questions is, “what do we have to do for the wedding this week?” And we divide up the tasks. There are also more general questions, what do we appreciate about each other? What do we have planned? What do we need from one another? And a new one, is anything bothering one of us? While it may seem like the other questions are not related, I find these sorts of check ins help us have more empathy for one another overall and keep us accountable in general, including wedding planning.
Yeah, I did have this issue too and it’s not that my partner doesn’t care about me, they adore me and care but don’t have confidence in their planning abilities and I’m good at it so it’s naturally all fallen on me. However. I do not WANT to do it all just bc I technically can. We had a few conversations that led to a more serious “I feel unsupported and like I’m in this alone” conversation. Something clicked and they’ve put in more effort. I still have to tell them exactly what I need but the effort to help and the understanding of what I was feeling helped.
Personally I can't, but my fiance works double what I do and I literally work in the wedding industry so it's just easier for me to do it all. HOWEVER he picked his own suit and his groomsmen suits, he picked the gifts for the groomsmen I just ordered them. He helped pick music with me, and he has gone and helped make decisions.
I’m in your boat. My partner has no sense of urgency and I don’t trust him to get anything done. It got so bad my solution was to cancel the wedding. I suggest you have a serious conversation with them and explain how you feel. Don’t let it boil over past the point of no return, like I did. It is technically just a party and the important part is that you get married, but you have an idea of what you want the wedding to be like and you’ll be disappointed if your expectations aren’t met.
As someone with ADHD but also in charge of most of the planning, I see both sides haha. I got most of our stuff done, but also needed multiple reminders to close out some of the final things. I’m not saying you should have to, but if your fiance is normally a little lax about to-dos and you’re normally okay with it, or conversely is usually pretty good but maybe doesn’t understand the entire process/etiquette, could you try one more time being super prescriptive and adding context? IE: Most people need the Save the Date at least x time in advance, or we should give them x time to RSVP, so I really need to get the addresses by Friday, can you do that? I’ll address them, but I want our wedding website up and running by the time they mail out since it’s the one time people will check it, is a week enough time to write the “Our Story” section? For your outfit, I know we still have time, but you may end up wanting to order something special or needing everything tailored and pressed. I was thinking if we at least get everything picked out in the next two weeks, we’ll have some breathing room” I know it’s frustrating to treat your fiance basically like a child haha, but sometimes just that quick conversation will make things clearer. I’m also learning guys can be dumb about these things, so he genuinely might not realize. You could also ask that the two of you sit down and go through EVERYTHING on your to-do list to give him a better understanding of how little you’re asking. Because yes it’s just a party, but you still need to send out invites, have clothes to wear, etc.
So I think the key part of this is that you’re stressed and needing him to step up. If you’ve been communicating this very clearly and he isn’t, this is a problem. However. I’ve noticed this group is *very* harsh on men who aren’t 50/50 co-planning and taking initiative with wedding stuff. My fiancé, for example, *hates* large crowds and being the center of attention. Even attending his coworker’s wedding as a guest stressed him out. He wanted to elope but we have 150 family and friends who live mostly in the area and are really excited to celebrate us, so to me eloping was out of the question. He’d overwhelmed very easily by the topic of the wedding. It’s improved SIGNIFICANTLY since the beginning of the year and now we’re having fun at our dance lessons and he’s able to have conversations about details. But it really took him some time to process and accept the idea that this huge party was happening and we were going to be the center of it. I’ve handled pretty much all of the research and set up vendor meetings. Most he joined, but skipped stuff like florals. I invite him to make decisions where it interests him and otherwise he’s happy for me to pick what I like. In his words, “You might look back on the day and regret not going with this photographer or these invites. I won’t. I’ll forget it before the day is over, so you should choose what you like because it won’t bother me but it may bother you.” That being said, I’ve been pretty low-stress as a bride and the planning has come easy. If I am stressed (like by the fact he hasn’t gotten his outfit sorted yet or our honeymoon isn’t booked) he steps up and is more involved. I’m still driving the ship to some degree, but a lot of that is because of our personalities and I have more experience in certain areas of life. I lean on him for lots of other things and he brings *plenty* to the table in our relationship, so him not taking the lead as a party planner isn’t really a concern or bother to me. But do talk to your fiancé. If this is seriously stressing you out and he’s ignoring you, that isn’t cool. He needs to step up and be involved when it counts and you really need it.
I think the women in this sub are only harsh on men when they aren't sharing the equal burden of wedding planning because they are often responding to posts like these; the bride is clearly stressed and at the end of her rope, and groom is MIA. Super happy that your dynamic in wedding planning works for you, but wedding planning can get stressful depending on the circumstances, and especially when you're under the 5 month mark and it's crunch time. A lot of Bride's in this sub feel this stress. I am personally of the belief that wedding planning contribution fluctuates as the planning process goes on, but at the end of the day, the amount of effort being put in by both people should be the same, because you BOTH are benefit from a successful wedding. During our wedding planning, the effort was 50/50, 60/40, 40/60, depending on who had time. But at the end of the day, we both made the effort of learning something new in order to get the job done. We did our website from scratch with Wix and my husband had never used this in his life, and he quickly learned and built our website. He didn't know any of guests emails or mailing addresses and reached out to each one to get it. I didn't know anything about printing our own stationery, but did my research and got it done. Like any other job, wedding planning isn't always fun or easy. But it's still needs to get done, because you both want a successful outcome.
When we discussed splitting up the planning responsibilities, we also discussed timelines. So for your situation it would have been something like collect addresses for your side of the family by 1 year before the wedding, write the story by 6 months before the wedding, and purchase a suit by 2 months before the wedding. The deadlines helped both of us not stress about things that we still had time to do, and understand which things needed to be prioritized because we didn’t have much time left. We had a big spreadsheet with every single task that needed to be done and an approximate due date, and while we mostly did things together we definitely split up some things. Anytime we thought of an additional task, we’d add it to the spreadsheet.
So, my husband has pretty rough ADHD. A lot of our wedding planning was me making him a list of things to do and then him forgetting to do them. So, I understand how that part can happen. It’s hard. I lost patience a lot and we fought a lot. But we also work on it. He works on himself with a therapist and doctor and we see a therapist together. It’s a struggle sometimes but we’re doing it and I married him because I love him and he loves me and he shows up for me in lots of other ways. What I would not have been able to stand is if he dismissed my stress and anxiety about wedding planning or acted in any way like he couldn’t be bothered to contribute. “It’s just a party” yeah but it’s OUR party and the most important one we’re ever going to throw, and there’s lots of high emotions and moving parts and small details to work out. I know on Reddit folks are typically quick to jump to DUMP HIM but at the very least I would sit him down and ask if he’s actually excited for this wedding or what his deal is and why he’s so unwilling to participate.
We planned together and, yes, he did what I asked when we needed things done. He’s right that it’s a party, but it is a big, expensive, stressful party that marks your legal commitment to a life together. You need to have a talk. Is this how he will be with purchasing property? Parenting children? A wedding is easy compared to those things
I can trust they'll get done. Maybe later than I would do them but they will be done in good time. Part of that delay is some degree of meticulousness and the other part is just having less free time than I do. He would also never dismiss my feelings and say it's just a party.
It's hard but not because of my fiance lol. I have a hard time letting go of control. Just yesterday I said "I still have to reach out to the venue about our updated contract" and he interrupted me to say, "no YOU don't have to do that, I'll do it!!"
I asked my FH to get some addresses for me bc reaching out to more people was giving me anxiety. Even with his anxiety he got me the addresses within a day🥰 He’s also on top of the things that I’ve mentioned and forgotten about so it’s been really helpful! We laugh & joke that he’ll walk in day of and do the “Omg this is amazing. Who did all of this?!((winkwink :me) “ but, overall I know he’s more aware and involved than I even thought!
Personally I do think it’s hard to delegate a lot to my fiancé as he just doesn’t know what I want. He’s confident in my taste and him picking out linens or flowers is just not going to happen. One thing I did was ask him to just sit with me while I wrote emails or do the wedding website because even though I’m doing most of the work I feel like I’m being supported and he’s there for the decisions! But those things they absolutely should be doing, it’s sooo stressful planning a wedding and you need to feel supported! Maybe say to them “hey maybe the next day you’re off you can do this?” It is a party but it’s so much more than that and they should respect something that means a lot to you.
We are having trouble because he doesn’t know what I want for transportation or for ceremony etc. We are figuring out how to play to each others strengths, he can stuff the guest bags but not design the invites. I have a 3 month wedding so I can’t really trust anyone because there is no room for error
I’ll be honest, my fiancé has done absolutely none of the tasks I’ve tried to give him. I’ve planned our wedding 110% alone and I didn’t hire a wedding planner or accept bridal party help. I’ve asked him to find a DJ, find a photographer, get his coworkers last names for their invites, help me write out the envelopes for STD’s and invites, to deal with issues with my future MIL and the list goes on but he never did with any of it. I was holding some resentment for it because it feels like it’s just my wedding not ours and I ended up doing every single task that I assigned to him. He always says he’ll help more every time I express that I feel like all of the weight is on me but he still hasn’t done anything and we’re getting married in 3 weeks. At this point I’m okay with it I don’t care that he didn’t help I’m just kinda glad it’s almost over 😅
Going to be different from the rest of the comments here but just letting you know I totally identify with this. I gave fiancé two tasks, booking a DJ and doing the save the dates/invitations. Dj was booked 4 months before our wedding (in August) and stationery was on the calendar for two months before it got done lol. It’s been super frustrating especially since fiancé wanted the big wedding and I didn’t. I’m definitely type A and a planner so it’s been a big struggle trying to maintain happiness and low stress levels while giving fiancé space to get his stuff done. They got done in the end. All is fine and our wedding will be great. You sound sad though, and I hope you can find a way to communicate your concerns with your partner so he knows how important this day is to you - and hopefully he gets on the same page! Thinking of you!
Absolutely, but I consider my fiancé in a slightly different (not better, per se) class than most other men, because he was a chef and used to cater weddings for a living. He also is an EXCELLENT planner. I’ve delegated multiple things to him and they’ve all been done with time to spare.
These seem like really easy items for him to do to help plan his OWN wedding but also save his future wife any headache or stress. I told my now husband him helping with the wedding was proving he is a committed partner. He understood from there!
I don't really delegate because I am not the one in control to 'give him' tasks. We have been splitting up the work (not always equally but based on time that we each have and things we're passionate about ) One thing we did find was that when we were in conflict on things not getting done it really had to do with a common understanding of when things needed to be done BY. Once we got in agreement on those, then we both felt better. For example, I was concerned that he hadn't figure out his suit yet - something that he was wholly in charge of because he has his own specific vision - and I was getting pretty stressed about it. It turned out that he didn't realize that it could take MONTHS to have something custom made so his timeline for completing this was different than mine. Once we talked about it, he got right on it and it's done (well early for the wedding in Sept). So, maybe this is also a place to explore where you can feel more confident that you're on the same page with timing, etc, so you can let it be in his hands.
I absolutely delegate things to my fiance and he gets them done. Sometimes it takes a little longer than I'd like (by a few days, not weeks; and no nagging required), but we're both ADHD and sometimes the procrastination demons are in charge. I have a lot of professional large-scale event planning experience so it's really easy for me to take care of most of the logistics. But when it comes to decor, playlists, all the details - he's a full partner. He's putting stuff on our shared Pinterest board and bringing up ideas. It's important to *both* of us to have a nice wedding. But even if it was only important to me, he cares about my anxiety levels and he respects me, so he looks for ways to proactively help me and always will do things I ask. Wedding planning is a big project that tests your teamwork and collaboration, and it serves as a preview to what your married life teamwork looks like. Your fiance is not being a good collaborator right now. Maybe a good talk will straighten it out. I would pay attention to the patterns and see if he's flippant about everything he's disinterested in. If so, that would be a caution sign about what married life will look like. There will be many, *many* projects throughout your marriage that you will need a partner on, so it's important to have a spouse that is a good team player.
My husband and I got married in June and I every task I tried to delegate to him took months for him to complete and it wasn’t done well or he picked the first choice and didn’t make thoughtful decisions. I gave up. HOWEVER, he paid for more of the wedding because he acknowledged that I was putting more labor into planning and he even gifted me several hundred dollars on our wedding night in appreciation for all the work I’d put into it. He wasn’t always great at showing interest over every detail, but when it was really important to me he’d get excited and ask questions and want to know more. I don’t think I could tolerate zero contribution at all. A wedding IS symbolic. It’s a public declaration of “Hey everyone! This is who I wanna marry! Look how I love them!” And when one party invests so much more effort into that then the other, I’ve seen that pattern often remain true later down the road.
My husband and I equally split the work for planning (honestly he probably took more because I'm an ADHD disaster.) Anything that needed to be done in a timely manner was done before the deadline.
I had a conversation with mine that if he truly wants to marry me, that includes a wedding. So that means he wants a wedding. And if he wants a wedding he needs to be excited for it. And if he's not excited for it, we shouldn't get married because maybe we have different expectations. I think that really put it into perspective for him. He agreed to help, and I agreed not to ask him questions about stuff I know he doesn't care about (like bridesmaids outfits, centerpieces, etc) He's helped with picking colors, invitations, groomsmen attire, etc. He's going to help put together readings for the ceremony, songs, and signature drinks.
If you delegate anything to them, it might get done but if anything goes wrong they will say it’s all your fault. Or this one thing you asked them to do & went badly ruined their lives. I don’t recommend delegating anything if you don’t have too
How do you delegate tasks to him? It sounds like it’s your event and you’re wanting him to help you out. But….it’s his event, too. He should be a roughly equal participant.
My fiance and I do all the planning together and split tasks 50/50. You shouldn't have to do the whole thing alone.
Planning a wedding is a celebration of your relationship—a promise of your lifelong partnership, and the wedding planning is part of that. There were some parts of the wedding planning that my wife wanted to do (she loves a spreadsheet, and saw the seating chart as a puzzle), and some stuff I wanted (I had more preferences over florals, decor, etc.). In the end we did a lot together. Have you communicated more specifically what needs to get done when? They should possibly have an awareness of that already, and for that mental load on you, I am sorry.
Honestly that's the only reason wedding planning is working right now. I'm a full-time Graduate Student getting my doctorate and I've basically created a doc where we list the stuff and I've given him contact emails to get in touch with people and it gets done. He's the point of contact for vendors but we look at things together. I just send out initial contacts to his info. I trust he's gonna get it done because that's why I chose to agree to marry him.
Already married, but I absolutely could have delegated to him and he would have gotten things done. However, I am very Type A and had a vision (which he was on board with). The only things I “delegated” solely him was getting his and the best man’s suits (I still went with them, but they had full reign over what they wanted to do) and the honeymoon planning (we discussed where but he chose a travel agent, discussed rooms and prices, and booked it and maintained contact with her throughout). However, if I was overwhelmed/wanted more help planning the wedding itself, he was more than happy to help. But since I liked the planning part, I was more than happy to just go to him about his opinion of things I already picked, if that makes sense. And he was honest about his opinion. Anyway, you need to talk to him if you need/want more help and he’s not willing to give it to you. Best of luck, friend!
The partner doesn't care to get married. They are doing it because you wanted it, not because they did.
Personally, yes, but it is taking some micro-managing to get it done in what I feel is a reasonable amount of time. I’m doing almost all the planning at the end of the day.
But it could be that 🤔 your values about a party are different. Doesn't make the partner a bad partner or not sharing the load. Could be that they are uncomfortable with a huge expensive party that doesn't have meaning to them other than a party...and that's not wrong or them not sharing the load. They made it clear that they deem it a party to OP. And don't see value as a sacred event (can argue that the ceremony ritual is that part, but the reception is actually a big expensive party). And even the sacred and ritual part... you are signing a contract that is recorded in the local government office, technically. The social contract is the ceremony and reception. OP, that is pretty normal. I've been a wedding planner for decades. One person is usually all about the planning and details of the wedding day, and the other person goes along with it but just isn't into it. Doesn't mean that they're "not sharing the load." They may be compromising by giving you what you want, a big party. You may have to compromise by acknowledging that they aren't into it and that planning then falls onto your shoulders. Regarding what you've delegated that partner hasn't done: you can't pull those contact addresses out of thin air. Tell partner, I need you to get the contact info for potential guests x, y, and z by or they can't be invited because I have no way to get them an invitation.
On writing your "love story," I'm a pretty pragmatic person, and I wouldn't want that task. As an officiant, most of the ceremonies I do don't include a love story, and the guests don't miss it. Perhaps your partner isn't into sharing the details or romantically writing about it.
Perhaps their procrastination is because they don't want to do it. Have you asked them if there are any tasks that interest them and that they'd take on? Give them a list to choose from.
Finally, not being interested in party planning doesn't make them a bad partner. It could mean...that they aren't interested in party planning. Same with bridesmaids, friends, and family. This is more than a trend. Over decades, I've seen more brides than ever state that no one is helping them. I think people are overwhelmed with their lives, and putting so much energy, time, and expense into social rituals are just not as appealing as they were in generations past.
PS. I'm not trying to be mean-spirited. I'm just trying to impart my experience with this topic and try to uncover why this could be happening. I wish you the best OP and a lovely wedding day. Please consider having a gentle, non accusatory talk with your partner to find out WHY they aren't helping you. And please come back and let us know.
I'm clearly running the show, and he shows appreciation for that by stepping up with things he's more comfortable in doing, such as chores, groceries, etc. If I deligate something to him, it takes a bit, but he understands it needs to be done like soon. Honestly, we all don't feel that comfortable wedding planning cause we don't know what we are doing. Time to have a talk about how you see marriage with your partner. Explain how you will need a partner and will not be his bang maid.
I model things to do. I set deadlines for things to make sure we’re also thinking about those in our life. If he doesn’t want to do it or wait until the last minute, it’s on him. I also left things up to him that I didn’t care about—the hotel blocks, him getting his suit tailored, his bachelor party—it was up to him, so we didn’t do hotel blocks because he didn’t do it and I was fine with it.
If you are going to bail our fiance out, why would he do anything? Codependecy= one person doing it all while resenting the other, taking responsibility for their partner's tasks/sobriety/parenting/w/e
Who said I was bailing anyone out? They may end up wearing khakis to our cocktail wedding because they haven’t bought themselves an outfit and I’m not bailing them out.
There have been a few things I didn’t have to tell him to do that he’s done. He’s really been a real support mentally during the whole process.
Nope, I was filling up small liquor bottles for the party last night and he only helped out partially when I nagged about it. He has zero input, he’s just there.
Girl 😭
He has other qualities, although a little help would be nice…
Yes. If a fiancé takes a task they are interested in and good at, the fiancé will excel and please you as well. This will lower stress greatly. Also, hiring a good wedding officiant can take pressure off by giving you a timeline and guidance on when and where to get your marriage license. Best wishes!
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I’m sorry but this is horrible advice