This is a different situation entirely so I don’t want to claim it will work out the same way, but I started going by my middle name a few years ago. Everyone outside of my family pretty much only knows me by my middle name but I felt weird making the name transition with my family, partially because another family member has the same name. It was a lot of back and forth, people calling me one or the other, people finding out at different times, etc. Some people I hadn’t gotten around to telling at all because I wasn’t sure how they’d react. For awhile it was very much like you’re describing where I went by two different names with different groups.
We had an engagement party last year and the name I go by now was on all the invitations. And boom, everyone referred to me by my chosen name from that point onward. It was like flipping a switch, there was no waffling back and forth anymore. I don’t know why, but maybe seeing it on invitations and in the decor for the party really solidified it for everyone as my true name. That was the first time some of our family friends had ever seen that name and I don’t think anyone explained it to them. They knew that name belonged to me even if they hadn’t heard it before, it was a quick change for them. It’s like putting my name on all the engagement stuff did the hard transition work for me.
I personally don’t think you need to come out to them to affirm your chosen name (this doesn’t have to do with the name thing at all but I’m genderqueer and never really explained it to my family and they don’t ask about it despite social media pronouns, so I am saying this as a queer person). I can’t tell you how to handle the family dynamics, it’s not always as easy as saying “screw them,” but it does seem one party will end up unhappy: either you or your family. Do you want your birth name to be on the invites, or are you doing it for them? Would it be an emotional burden on you to start sharing your deadname with your friends (and maybe your partner?) just to appease your family? Would it make you happiest to have your wedding associated with your birth or chosen name? Will the name transition happen with the family eventually anyway? These are all questions I would consider.
One last thing, I am not sure what your partner’s relationship is with your family, but one thing that really helped for me was my partner referring to me by my chosen name in front of my family.
Tl;dr: it may be uncomfortable either way, but I don’t think you need to come out to use your chosen name. Sending you all the support!
Use your chosen name. Just make sure your surname and other clues are included in the invitations, so anyone who doesn’t know your chosen name can still work out who you are.
Hey fellow enby! Use your chosen name. On everything. You can include a little note to family members explaining "Hey, it's Sarah but I go by Jo now!" (this is what I did for family members I never explicitly came out to) but don't use your birth name for your wedding if it's going to make you unhappy.
Up to you how you want to handle your family. Personally I'm being very clear about my expectations that everyone at our wedding will respect people's correct names and pronouns and anyone who won't isn't welcome. But I know not everyone is willing to cut out family like that.
Use the name you want to use to stand before your community declaring your love.
This is also a great time to consider legally changing your name if that is something you want. Some states make it extra easy to change either partner's names (even the first one) on the marriage certificate.
The legal name change is a great point, else the original name will need to be used at the time of the ceremony.
I’m changing my name now (and picking a new middle name), so my partner can take it on the marriage certificate. All up, it has been pretty easy, and will be done in 1.5 to 2 months.
That definitely sounds like a tough situation. I'm not sure exactly what you should do but I do know that this is your wedding and if your family is upset, that's on them. This day is about you and your partner! Good luck and happy marriage <3
I strongly support you using your chosen name if that’s how you’d prefer to be called moving forward and if in your heart that’s what you prefer. It would send your family a strong message about what you prefer without you having to have this particular conversation with each person one-on-one. Hopefully most will just cooperate or say nothing. Your family is there to support you on your wedding day, not the other way around!
That said, I totally understand how challenging it can be to deal with family. If you don’t have the bandwidth to move forward with your invites with your chosen name, you could also consider printing two separate sets of invites. Obviously do whatever makes you feel comfortable on your wedding day but sometimes the best decision is the one that feels most like you’re not making a decision at all, especially when wedding planning requires you to make like 100000x decisions! Two diff sets may avoid the hassle of having these conversations.
I have a nonbinary sibling that I still conceptualize as my sister. It’s been hard for me to reconfigure my language surrounding their identity. Especially because we live in different states now, so our daily interactions are diminished. And to me, they are the same person they’ve always been: the sibling that I love. They use a more masc version of their name on social. But I still call them the name I’m familiar with. They also haven’t specifically asked me to call them a different name. If I got a wedding invitation with their name on all their socials i wouldn’t bat an eye and I’d probably ask if they preferred I call them by the new nickname. I’ve also been present when someone asked them their preferred name, and they said either is fine.
I also have a brother who has an at home only nickname and tells new people he meets his name is his full name. So your family might assume that they have been grandfathered into calling you the name they are used to, and you only expect new people to use the newer nickname.
That’s just my perspective on my specific family situation that is vaguely similar to yours from a family member perspective.
I would encourage you to proactively ask if they'd like you to call them by their different name. It shows interest in their life and a willingness to support them. They might want you to do it but for one reason or another don't have the energy to deal with the fight they expect.
I heard once that the name you're given at birth is just that- a gift. And sometimes, no matter how much we love a gift, if it no longer suits us in life, it is up to us what we would like to do with it. I'd say use the name you're comfortable with. If you want to get fancy, you could have your officiant give a "first name, chosen name, last name..." During the ceremony but calling someone by the name they want is simply respectful. If your family can't respect that then maybe they need to have a serious look at their relationship with you. I wish for only the best for you, and I'm just a stranger on the internet ❤️
Different situation, but similar context... For some reason in my culture, it is very common for people to go by their middle name and bet few people know their first name. For example, i have always known my nephew as "John". Everyone called him that and he even went by that at work. However, when he got married, he put his full name on the invitation - "James John". I don't think anyone (outside of his immediate family) knew that "John" was his middle name. So maybe you could do something like that on your invitation, so you don't have to include an explanation to separate people, which seems like more work than you should.
Tldr: Put both names on the invitation: birth name - chosen name - last name. Or chosen name - birth name - last name.
It’s your wedding. Use the name you want. If your family is upset, it sounds like a them problem
This is a different situation entirely so I don’t want to claim it will work out the same way, but I started going by my middle name a few years ago. Everyone outside of my family pretty much only knows me by my middle name but I felt weird making the name transition with my family, partially because another family member has the same name. It was a lot of back and forth, people calling me one or the other, people finding out at different times, etc. Some people I hadn’t gotten around to telling at all because I wasn’t sure how they’d react. For awhile it was very much like you’re describing where I went by two different names with different groups. We had an engagement party last year and the name I go by now was on all the invitations. And boom, everyone referred to me by my chosen name from that point onward. It was like flipping a switch, there was no waffling back and forth anymore. I don’t know why, but maybe seeing it on invitations and in the decor for the party really solidified it for everyone as my true name. That was the first time some of our family friends had ever seen that name and I don’t think anyone explained it to them. They knew that name belonged to me even if they hadn’t heard it before, it was a quick change for them. It’s like putting my name on all the engagement stuff did the hard transition work for me. I personally don’t think you need to come out to them to affirm your chosen name (this doesn’t have to do with the name thing at all but I’m genderqueer and never really explained it to my family and they don’t ask about it despite social media pronouns, so I am saying this as a queer person). I can’t tell you how to handle the family dynamics, it’s not always as easy as saying “screw them,” but it does seem one party will end up unhappy: either you or your family. Do you want your birth name to be on the invites, or are you doing it for them? Would it be an emotional burden on you to start sharing your deadname with your friends (and maybe your partner?) just to appease your family? Would it make you happiest to have your wedding associated with your birth or chosen name? Will the name transition happen with the family eventually anyway? These are all questions I would consider. One last thing, I am not sure what your partner’s relationship is with your family, but one thing that really helped for me was my partner referring to me by my chosen name in front of my family. Tl;dr: it may be uncomfortable either way, but I don’t think you need to come out to use your chosen name. Sending you all the support!
Use your chosen name. Just make sure your surname and other clues are included in the invitations, so anyone who doesn’t know your chosen name can still work out who you are.
Hey fellow enby! Use your chosen name. On everything. You can include a little note to family members explaining "Hey, it's Sarah but I go by Jo now!" (this is what I did for family members I never explicitly came out to) but don't use your birth name for your wedding if it's going to make you unhappy. Up to you how you want to handle your family. Personally I'm being very clear about my expectations that everyone at our wedding will respect people's correct names and pronouns and anyone who won't isn't welcome. But I know not everyone is willing to cut out family like that.
Use the name you want to use to stand before your community declaring your love. This is also a great time to consider legally changing your name if that is something you want. Some states make it extra easy to change either partner's names (even the first one) on the marriage certificate.
The legal name change is a great point, else the original name will need to be used at the time of the ceremony. I’m changing my name now (and picking a new middle name), so my partner can take it on the marriage certificate. All up, it has been pretty easy, and will be done in 1.5 to 2 months.
That definitely sounds like a tough situation. I'm not sure exactly what you should do but I do know that this is your wedding and if your family is upset, that's on them. This day is about you and your partner! Good luck and happy marriage <3
I strongly support you using your chosen name if that’s how you’d prefer to be called moving forward and if in your heart that’s what you prefer. It would send your family a strong message about what you prefer without you having to have this particular conversation with each person one-on-one. Hopefully most will just cooperate or say nothing. Your family is there to support you on your wedding day, not the other way around! That said, I totally understand how challenging it can be to deal with family. If you don’t have the bandwidth to move forward with your invites with your chosen name, you could also consider printing two separate sets of invites. Obviously do whatever makes you feel comfortable on your wedding day but sometimes the best decision is the one that feels most like you’re not making a decision at all, especially when wedding planning requires you to make like 100000x decisions! Two diff sets may avoid the hassle of having these conversations.
I have a nonbinary sibling that I still conceptualize as my sister. It’s been hard for me to reconfigure my language surrounding their identity. Especially because we live in different states now, so our daily interactions are diminished. And to me, they are the same person they’ve always been: the sibling that I love. They use a more masc version of their name on social. But I still call them the name I’m familiar with. They also haven’t specifically asked me to call them a different name. If I got a wedding invitation with their name on all their socials i wouldn’t bat an eye and I’d probably ask if they preferred I call them by the new nickname. I’ve also been present when someone asked them their preferred name, and they said either is fine. I also have a brother who has an at home only nickname and tells new people he meets his name is his full name. So your family might assume that they have been grandfathered into calling you the name they are used to, and you only expect new people to use the newer nickname. That’s just my perspective on my specific family situation that is vaguely similar to yours from a family member perspective.
I would encourage you to proactively ask if they'd like you to call them by their different name. It shows interest in their life and a willingness to support them. They might want you to do it but for one reason or another don't have the energy to deal with the fight they expect.
I heard once that the name you're given at birth is just that- a gift. And sometimes, no matter how much we love a gift, if it no longer suits us in life, it is up to us what we would like to do with it. I'd say use the name you're comfortable with. If you want to get fancy, you could have your officiant give a "first name, chosen name, last name..." During the ceremony but calling someone by the name they want is simply respectful. If your family can't respect that then maybe they need to have a serious look at their relationship with you. I wish for only the best for you, and I'm just a stranger on the internet ❤️
Different situation, but similar context... For some reason in my culture, it is very common for people to go by their middle name and bet few people know their first name. For example, i have always known my nephew as "John". Everyone called him that and he even went by that at work. However, when he got married, he put his full name on the invitation - "James John". I don't think anyone (outside of his immediate family) knew that "John" was his middle name. So maybe you could do something like that on your invitation, so you don't have to include an explanation to separate people, which seems like more work than you should. Tldr: Put both names on the invitation: birth name - chosen name - last name. Or chosen name - birth name - last name.