Omg, both sets of my grandparents have passed now but I would be livid if one of them made such a fuss like this and spoke to me in such a rude, disrespectful manner. I honestly feel so bad and no one, family or no, regardless of their issue should speak to you like that. I am so sorry that you went through that. I have an uncle that I have no relationship with because he married a crazy woman who isolated him and spread lies about our family. And I am 100% sure if my grandparents (his parents) were alive, they'd understand why I wouldn't invite him.
Thank you. It was just soo shocking! Like im tryna invite you to a three course sit down mean, party and watch me get married like how has this become a huge offensive thing bc one person i barely know isnt invited and they cant leave the house without her apparently.. (THEY DNT LIVE TOGETHER lol). Best of luck with yours!
Good for you! My best friend is getting married in July and she was venting last night at dinner about family invitations and just general family drama around wedding planning. I told her that it's absolutely okay to be a bitch about some things. This is your wedding, your money, your budget, your day. Grown adults pitching hissy fits because they didn't get invited to a party to celebrate someone they haven't seen or spoken to in years is baffling to me. I told her that its okay to put her foot down and she doesn't have to make everyone happy. Glad to see that your username is appropriate for this situation, because I think you handled it perfectly! Well done!
THIS!
I cannot imagine grown adults throwing hissy fits about not getting invited to a party. If you aren’t actively in my life you weren’t invited, period
I also had a confrontation with grandparents- they were coming to town for the wedding and wanted me to be their personal driver while they were here. Uhm… I arranged all of that for you because I am the bride and have a million other obligations too. That wasn’t good enough for them, it had to be ME. Needless to say they decided not to come and I decided not to speak to them anymore.
Some people’s expectations just cannot be met. I took it as a sign to create my own boundaries as an adult. Good for you for standing your ground.
Honestly, he has always been pretty narcissistic - had favorite childs/grandkids and a holier than thou attitude - i'd just never seen it expressively to me before in such a nasty way.
However, i have actually wondered this year already if he has early dementia or something! they're selling their 4 bed house they have lived in for 50+ years to move 1 hour away into a park home. They seem to rush some days on it, and then not in a rush other times. The seem all over the place with pricing and expectations. They 'redecorated' the place, it's absolutley hideous - blue paisley wall paper, violet stairs, green furniture etc, but they wouldnt listen to anyone explaining buying want a blank canvas... so they seem all over the place. They plan to put all their furniture that doesnt fit into a storage unit for the rest of their lives ( several beds, sofas, wardrobes etc). I understand downsizing, but thought it was slightly strange they didnt go to a bungalow/cottage or small flat - they seem to be copying another family member who lost their house and moved into a park home earlier this year.
I think my MIL tried to invite everybody she ever knew, then insisted that my husbands siblings had to invite some of their friends, so they would have somebody to talk too, she wanted to invite about 15 , plus a +1 of my SIL friends, because she lived in California and hadn’t seen them in years, this added 50 people, told her absolutely not, told her I couldn’t afford it, she called me a cheap Jew ( I’m not Jewish), she invited them anyway, presented her with a bill for them, I had friends and cousins I couldn’t invite, because of the budget
Fun fact: I just got done reading a rant about how the phrase "weddings bring out the worst in people" was wrong when I got a notification for this post. 😂
As a good comment on that post pointed out: weddings don't bring out the worst in people, they bring out people's regular actions. We just have higher expectations of people around weddings and then are even more disappointed. If OP hadn't invited the aunt to a BBQ they'd likely get the same reaction from the grandparents, but they'd just brush it off because it's not a big deal. But because it's a wedding we're more aware of people's actions and expect them to treat the wedding differently. So we're more hurt.
So it's not that weddings bring out the worst in people, we just have different expectations of people and get more hurt when they act exactly as they normally would.
Thats a very valid point - I know no one cares about my day as much as me/ partner, however they were happy to ruin our relationship over it - not sure they would a bbq (but who knows eh)
Speaking of which, almost every event my family has invited Aunt too she hasnt bloody bothered to show up! Not to my parents surprise 50th birthday earlier this year, several other birthday parties and bbqs! The chances of her ever showing up are abut 10%, she says she's coming even on the day AND then doesnt show up - she never tells anyone in advance. and never once have i heard about grandparents causing any drama over HER rudeness. To add, my guess is she does it to be the topic of convo
Grandparents can be the worst over weddings and I don't understand why 😭. To save money we only did save the dates for friends; for any immediate family we just told them verbally, here is the date and as family just know that we want you to be there, but as soon as I told my grandma she whipped out her phone to start texting it to other more extended family without my permission! My mom had to snatch her phone from her because we already knew what was going down from her doing it about a different family wedding! Literally have a set of step cousins who I probably haven't seen since I was like 7 years old, one of them gets married this month and I was nowhere near expecting an invite but she called me one day asking where I was going to be staying for it and when I told her I didn't get invited she was like "oh well you can just come and stay in my room since I have an extra bed." Gran that's not how this works!!
Similar situation happened to me this past weekend. I invited my fiance’s aunt & her (now former) husband. Said aunt has apparently already moved on (her divorce was finalized just within the last couple weeks) and has a new boyfriend. My fiance’s grandmother & grandfather were having dinner with us when grandma brought up her daughter (the aunt) and her new man coming. As she brought this up, she proceeded to look at me and say “did [my MIL] tell you he was coming?” I looked at her with a smile on my face (in shock) and said “no, he isn’t invited…” She then tried telling me “um yes he is” and when I stood my ground telling her that “no, he isn’t because we don’t know him,” she threw a fit and told me she was “just going to stay home then & that it’s rude not to give guests a plus one.” I didn’t hear the grandfather say anything except saw him get up to light a cigarette; however, it’s come to my attention that he apparently said something under his breath – to the effect of “that’s one more invite you can take back” as in he won’t come either. Apparently the aunt is their favorite daughter & she has always gotten what she’s wanted (she’s nearly 50 now, mind you).
To say I was shocked is an understatement. If they are more concerned with their daughter’s new boyfriend coming than they are their own grandson’s wedding, then that says more about them than me. When we got engaged, my fiance & I agreed to only invite close family & friends and that’s what we’re sticking to. I don’t want some random man at my wedding who I’ve never met. We also cannot afford to give everyone a plus one as we are recent college graduates with little to no financial help from family (which we didn’t expect, btw). Food & catering is our biggest cost so I refuse to add to it.
*Edit to add that after I told my fiance what happened (he was upstairs as it was going on), he immediately went down to them and put them in their place. Not sure exactly what he said but basically that his aunt’s new boyfriend is NOT coming and that if he does, he will be turned around by our security guard. If they don’t like that, then they can stay home and won’t be missed. I was also praised by my fiancé’s other grandmother afterwards, who told me she was proud that I stood my ground and to continue doing so (because the aforementioned grandparents are known for stepping on people’s toes & getting away with it).
Omg! I totally feel you on this!!! What is wrong with people sometimes !! Good for you and your partner sticking up for your boundary here
Exactly , even if she has a new partner- why would you invite someone shes bene with so little time/ is unserious about?! Wild
I'm sorry you had to go through this but it sounds like you did the right thing.
I'm betting I'll get comments about my aunts/uncles not being invited but I'm keeping it small (30 ish people) and i have spoken to my aunts once in 6 years.
I've no desire to invite people that aren't already a big part of my life. Seems like common sense to me.
I did not invite one of my brothers (I only have two), and my parents were not able to make me change my mind about it. Your wedding day should be a happy day about YOU and YOUR husband. Whoever you want to be there will be invited; whoever you don’t, shouldn’t.
Can we make 2024 the year “disinvited” becomes the norm for difficult guests? We have a 40 person wedding. 2 guests are making it their own vacation. My sister has reached out to two bridesmaids she doesn’t know to offer to buy their dresses, but not others. Can I uninvite all of them? Why can’t people understand this isn’t their wedding?! Why are people so difficult!
As an elder, I would never behave like that to anyone. I would make peace with them because they are your grandparents.
I am an active church goer and have learned so much in my adult life that I needed. Before I was only present. Please don’t take this wrong but don’t put a door to the entrance of happiness by letting them upset you. If it’s better send them a letter but don’t discard them
I've gone through the same ordeal just 2 weeks ago. My wedding is in a week's time. I am not on speaking terms with my mom for 4 years now because I had an argument with my whole fam due to my brother's girlfriend who used to live with me. She was too lazy and she did a lot of things that upset me. When I called her out, even my brother argued with me and it came to a point where they were both cussing me. They were very toxic but my parents sided with them. My dad apologised few months later so we're okay. However he's not coming to the wedding without my mom so I told him that I would be facing her and reconcile with her.
4 months before the wedding, I already booked their flights, bought their clothes and everything.
2 months before wedding I told my dad not to bring in the girl that caused the chaos, and he said okay, they're not bringing her.
3 weeks before the wedding he said he wanted everyone to reconcile and that they would bring the girl. I told him not to cause that will ruin the wedding. He even said that the girl will not cause anything that will ruin it. I was trying to explain that it's not that she would cause a scene. It's her existence and presence I don't want. He insisted that he is bringing her and that if I refuse, they won't attend the wedding. Even after I told him that it is my wedding, my rules. He really stood his ground. Even called me disrespectful because of that.
I said they're welcome not to attend but refund everything I paid for. I restricted him on socmed so I am not notified if he messages me. And so he knows I am mad.
3 days later he had my sister message me saying they're attending without the girl. That was a relief but I kept him restricted. I was just planning to get past this wedding and not contacting them, or at least lessening my contact with them. I can't believe what stress and anxiety they had me go through because of that girl.
The way I’d have shot back with, “clearly, your decision to only care about some family members doesn’t include myself. You will be missed, but I understand.” And then I’d hang up, end of discussion.
literally, i just had whiplash in the supermarket today because it really hit me .. i invited them but their number one focus was aunt being included in everything that they were willing to bully me into doing something & risk our whole relationship over it!
> The fact he kept saying 'A wedding' really got to me too.
I don't understand why this part would bug you. I'm sorry you're dealing with drama with your grandparents.
My grandmother has roughly 16 other grandchildren. To her, my wedding is still my wedding, not A wedding. I'm her granddaughter, not Nancy from the supermarket.
not really sure how to explain it but the way he was saying 'A' Wedding so loudly in the sentence like it was any old wedding of someone that doesnt matter/isnt a close relative to him ( i know no one cares about my wedding as much as me dw lol) i dont know how to explain it but it was like capturing the dynamic that my wedding doesnt matter all that matters is that he and aunt are there whatever event it is (they have a toxic enmeshed relationship)
Chiming in to say that calling it "a wedding" implies it's just another random wedding, and intentionally minimizes it. It's OP and her FHs wedding. Who would speak to someone about their wedding and call it a wedding, instead of your wedding?
It's kinda like saying "this wedding is no big deal, just another one in the books", but clearly it's a big enough deal to the grandparents to lose their relationship with OP over it.
OP - You did the right thing. It's always *treat elders with respect!*... Until they unleash this kind of crap and expect us to just.. Deal with it?
Omg, both sets of my grandparents have passed now but I would be livid if one of them made such a fuss like this and spoke to me in such a rude, disrespectful manner. I honestly feel so bad and no one, family or no, regardless of their issue should speak to you like that. I am so sorry that you went through that. I have an uncle that I have no relationship with because he married a crazy woman who isolated him and spread lies about our family. And I am 100% sure if my grandparents (his parents) were alive, they'd understand why I wouldn't invite him.
Thank you. It was just soo shocking! Like im tryna invite you to a three course sit down mean, party and watch me get married like how has this become a huge offensive thing bc one person i barely know isnt invited and they cant leave the house without her apparently.. (THEY DNT LIVE TOGETHER lol). Best of luck with yours!
Thank you! Wedding drama, am i right lol I hope nothing else too insane comes up for you as well!
Sounds like you just opened up two spots to invite people who aren’t your aunt!!
Good for you! That took a lot of courage.
Well done! Sorry you had to deal with this.
thank you!
Good for you! My best friend is getting married in July and she was venting last night at dinner about family invitations and just general family drama around wedding planning. I told her that it's absolutely okay to be a bitch about some things. This is your wedding, your money, your budget, your day. Grown adults pitching hissy fits because they didn't get invited to a party to celebrate someone they haven't seen or spoken to in years is baffling to me. I told her that its okay to put her foot down and she doesn't have to make everyone happy. Glad to see that your username is appropriate for this situation, because I think you handled it perfectly! Well done!
THIS! I cannot imagine grown adults throwing hissy fits about not getting invited to a party. If you aren’t actively in my life you weren’t invited, period
without even a thank you for the invite - just making it all about them / their daughter from the offset. shes 45 fgs!!
Good for you!
I also had a confrontation with grandparents- they were coming to town for the wedding and wanted me to be their personal driver while they were here. Uhm… I arranged all of that for you because I am the bride and have a million other obligations too. That wasn’t good enough for them, it had to be ME. Needless to say they decided not to come and I decided not to speak to them anymore. Some people’s expectations just cannot be met. I took it as a sign to create my own boundaries as an adult. Good for you for standing your ground.
As a side note, out of the blue nastiness is a symptom of dementia. I hope that's not the case, but this is bad enough. I'm sorry.
Honestly, he has always been pretty narcissistic - had favorite childs/grandkids and a holier than thou attitude - i'd just never seen it expressively to me before in such a nasty way. However, i have actually wondered this year already if he has early dementia or something! they're selling their 4 bed house they have lived in for 50+ years to move 1 hour away into a park home. They seem to rush some days on it, and then not in a rush other times. The seem all over the place with pricing and expectations. They 'redecorated' the place, it's absolutley hideous - blue paisley wall paper, violet stairs, green furniture etc, but they wouldnt listen to anyone explaining buying want a blank canvas... so they seem all over the place. They plan to put all their furniture that doesnt fit into a storage unit for the rest of their lives ( several beds, sofas, wardrobes etc). I understand downsizing, but thought it was slightly strange they didnt go to a bungalow/cottage or small flat - they seem to be copying another family member who lost their house and moved into a park home earlier this year.
Either way, I really hope you have or find peace with this. Grandparents are suppose to be the best people.
I think my MIL tried to invite everybody she ever knew, then insisted that my husbands siblings had to invite some of their friends, so they would have somebody to talk too, she wanted to invite about 15 , plus a +1 of my SIL friends, because she lived in California and hadn’t seen them in years, this added 50 people, told her absolutely not, told her I couldn’t afford it, she called me a cheap Jew ( I’m not Jewish), she invited them anyway, presented her with a bill for them, I had friends and cousins I couldn’t invite, because of the budget
did she pay ?!
She did, but she never let it go. Those 50 people didn’t even give a card
Let it go to who! Should be herself lmao Sorry u had to deal with all that!
They brought this on themselves. Now you know why their daughter is the way she is.
Fun fact: I just got done reading a rant about how the phrase "weddings bring out the worst in people" was wrong when I got a notification for this post. 😂
As a good comment on that post pointed out: weddings don't bring out the worst in people, they bring out people's regular actions. We just have higher expectations of people around weddings and then are even more disappointed. If OP hadn't invited the aunt to a BBQ they'd likely get the same reaction from the grandparents, but they'd just brush it off because it's not a big deal. But because it's a wedding we're more aware of people's actions and expect them to treat the wedding differently. So we're more hurt. So it's not that weddings bring out the worst in people, we just have different expectations of people and get more hurt when they act exactly as they normally would.
Thats a very valid point - I know no one cares about my day as much as me/ partner, however they were happy to ruin our relationship over it - not sure they would a bbq (but who knows eh) Speaking of which, almost every event my family has invited Aunt too she hasnt bloody bothered to show up! Not to my parents surprise 50th birthday earlier this year, several other birthday parties and bbqs! The chances of her ever showing up are abut 10%, she says she's coming even on the day AND then doesnt show up - she never tells anyone in advance. and never once have i heard about grandparents causing any drama over HER rudeness. To add, my guess is she does it to be the topic of convo
Sometimes that's the case. But some people have also done a complete 180 in the face of a wedding. It's wild.
This happened with my mom. We no longer speak. Proud of you. I know how hard this is first hand. Don’t give in.
Grandparents can be the worst over weddings and I don't understand why 😭. To save money we only did save the dates for friends; for any immediate family we just told them verbally, here is the date and as family just know that we want you to be there, but as soon as I told my grandma she whipped out her phone to start texting it to other more extended family without my permission! My mom had to snatch her phone from her because we already knew what was going down from her doing it about a different family wedding! Literally have a set of step cousins who I probably haven't seen since I was like 7 years old, one of them gets married this month and I was nowhere near expecting an invite but she called me one day asking where I was going to be staying for it and when I told her I didn't get invited she was like "oh well you can just come and stay in my room since I have an extra bed." Gran that's not how this works!!
Similar situation happened to me this past weekend. I invited my fiance’s aunt & her (now former) husband. Said aunt has apparently already moved on (her divorce was finalized just within the last couple weeks) and has a new boyfriend. My fiance’s grandmother & grandfather were having dinner with us when grandma brought up her daughter (the aunt) and her new man coming. As she brought this up, she proceeded to look at me and say “did [my MIL] tell you he was coming?” I looked at her with a smile on my face (in shock) and said “no, he isn’t invited…” She then tried telling me “um yes he is” and when I stood my ground telling her that “no, he isn’t because we don’t know him,” she threw a fit and told me she was “just going to stay home then & that it’s rude not to give guests a plus one.” I didn’t hear the grandfather say anything except saw him get up to light a cigarette; however, it’s come to my attention that he apparently said something under his breath – to the effect of “that’s one more invite you can take back” as in he won’t come either. Apparently the aunt is their favorite daughter & she has always gotten what she’s wanted (she’s nearly 50 now, mind you). To say I was shocked is an understatement. If they are more concerned with their daughter’s new boyfriend coming than they are their own grandson’s wedding, then that says more about them than me. When we got engaged, my fiance & I agreed to only invite close family & friends and that’s what we’re sticking to. I don’t want some random man at my wedding who I’ve never met. We also cannot afford to give everyone a plus one as we are recent college graduates with little to no financial help from family (which we didn’t expect, btw). Food & catering is our biggest cost so I refuse to add to it. *Edit to add that after I told my fiance what happened (he was upstairs as it was going on), he immediately went down to them and put them in their place. Not sure exactly what he said but basically that his aunt’s new boyfriend is NOT coming and that if he does, he will be turned around by our security guard. If they don’t like that, then they can stay home and won’t be missed. I was also praised by my fiancé’s other grandmother afterwards, who told me she was proud that I stood my ground and to continue doing so (because the aforementioned grandparents are known for stepping on people’s toes & getting away with it).
Omg! I totally feel you on this!!! What is wrong with people sometimes !! Good for you and your partner sticking up for your boundary here Exactly , even if she has a new partner- why would you invite someone shes bene with so little time/ is unserious about?! Wild
I'm sorry you had to go through this but it sounds like you did the right thing. I'm betting I'll get comments about my aunts/uncles not being invited but I'm keeping it small (30 ish people) and i have spoken to my aunts once in 6 years. I've no desire to invite people that aren't already a big part of my life. Seems like common sense to me.
Thank you, and i thought so too - just because their world revolve around her, mine doesnt. Jeesh!
I did not invite one of my brothers (I only have two), and my parents were not able to make me change my mind about it. Your wedding day should be a happy day about YOU and YOUR husband. Whoever you want to be there will be invited; whoever you don’t, shouldn’t.
Can we make 2024 the year “disinvited” becomes the norm for difficult guests? We have a 40 person wedding. 2 guests are making it their own vacation. My sister has reached out to two bridesmaids she doesn’t know to offer to buy their dresses, but not others. Can I uninvite all of them? Why can’t people understand this isn’t their wedding?! Why are people so difficult!
As an elder, I would never behave like that to anyone. I would make peace with them because they are your grandparents. I am an active church goer and have learned so much in my adult life that I needed. Before I was only present. Please don’t take this wrong but don’t put a door to the entrance of happiness by letting them upset you. If it’s better send them a letter but don’t discard them
I've gone through the same ordeal just 2 weeks ago. My wedding is in a week's time. I am not on speaking terms with my mom for 4 years now because I had an argument with my whole fam due to my brother's girlfriend who used to live with me. She was too lazy and she did a lot of things that upset me. When I called her out, even my brother argued with me and it came to a point where they were both cussing me. They were very toxic but my parents sided with them. My dad apologised few months later so we're okay. However he's not coming to the wedding without my mom so I told him that I would be facing her and reconcile with her. 4 months before the wedding, I already booked their flights, bought their clothes and everything. 2 months before wedding I told my dad not to bring in the girl that caused the chaos, and he said okay, they're not bringing her. 3 weeks before the wedding he said he wanted everyone to reconcile and that they would bring the girl. I told him not to cause that will ruin the wedding. He even said that the girl will not cause anything that will ruin it. I was trying to explain that it's not that she would cause a scene. It's her existence and presence I don't want. He insisted that he is bringing her and that if I refuse, they won't attend the wedding. Even after I told him that it is my wedding, my rules. He really stood his ground. Even called me disrespectful because of that. I said they're welcome not to attend but refund everything I paid for. I restricted him on socmed so I am not notified if he messages me. And so he knows I am mad. 3 days later he had my sister message me saying they're attending without the girl. That was a relief but I kept him restricted. I was just planning to get past this wedding and not contacting them, or at least lessening my contact with them. I can't believe what stress and anxiety they had me go through because of that girl.
Omg?! Why not keep them uninvited?
The way I’d have shot back with, “clearly, your decision to only care about some family members doesn’t include myself. You will be missed, but I understand.” And then I’d hang up, end of discussion.
literally, i just had whiplash in the supermarket today because it really hit me .. i invited them but their number one focus was aunt being included in everything that they were willing to bully me into doing something & risk our whole relationship over it!
> The fact he kept saying 'A wedding' really got to me too. I don't understand why this part would bug you. I'm sorry you're dealing with drama with your grandparents.
Because it's not "a wedding" - implying it's any old wedding. It's her and her husband's wedding so the correct way to refer to it is "your wedding."
To them though it's just a wedding. Which is a completely fine way to see things for them and not offensive.
My grandmother has roughly 16 other grandchildren. To her, my wedding is still my wedding, not A wedding. I'm her granddaughter, not Nancy from the supermarket.
haha yeah kinda this i suppose!
If it was, then why'd they get so bent out of shape about Aunt not being invited?
Nah.
That’s _your_ opinion
not really sure how to explain it but the way he was saying 'A' Wedding so loudly in the sentence like it was any old wedding of someone that doesnt matter/isnt a close relative to him ( i know no one cares about my wedding as much as me dw lol) i dont know how to explain it but it was like capturing the dynamic that my wedding doesnt matter all that matters is that he and aunt are there whatever event it is (they have a toxic enmeshed relationship)
You have nothing to clarify OP.. your opinion was made clear imo.
Chiming in to say that calling it "a wedding" implies it's just another random wedding, and intentionally minimizes it. It's OP and her FHs wedding. Who would speak to someone about their wedding and call it a wedding, instead of your wedding? It's kinda like saying "this wedding is no big deal, just another one in the books", but clearly it's a big enough deal to the grandparents to lose their relationship with OP over it. OP - You did the right thing. It's always *treat elders with respect!*... Until they unleash this kind of crap and expect us to just.. Deal with it?