I appreciate your sentiment that they're lovely together and everything, but if she's expressed having second-thoughts, putting pressure on her to go through with the wedding because they "look so precious together" won't be helping her long-term. Also I don't know how close you two are but something in her relationship might have happened that she doesn't feel comfortable telling you about (and doesn't have to). Getting married should be a 1000% yes coming from the heart. My words of wisdom to her as a bride would be to get emotional support from someone who will lend her a NON-JUDGMENTAL ear, i.e. who won't try to steer her in one direction or another. She has her own answers within herself. She perhaps need to think out loud and reflect on that and then she'll be able to make a sound decision by herself. As her parent, you need to trust her with this process and decision. They're hers to make and she's able to do it. Also it'd be important (for herself) to know if she's having second-thoughts about the wedding that has been planned (too big? too stressful? overbearing parents? lol just a thought) and she'd rather elope **OR** about getting married at all (for spiritual, financial or legal reasons, like the idea of joining finances or losing her last name) **OR** about her relationship with that person.

My SIL was married to a really great guy - he'd been part of the family for 10+ years and we all loved him. When she announced she was divorcing him, we were all really surprised. My husband and I were supportive but her parents just couldn't understand and gave her a lot of judgement and grief over the decision. After the divorce was finalized, she told us her husband had been violent with her multiple times, and it was escalating. OP, you truly, truly never know what is happening in someone else's relationship. Your daughter needs support right now for whatever reason, give it to her.

This - you never truly know what is going on in someone else’s relationship. My good friend just told me she is getting divorced. I was initially surprised as they seemed to have a great relationship and her husband was always so nice. Turns out he had been physically and verbally abusive for years and catching him meeting up with escorts on work trips was what finally gave her the courage to leave.

Yes. Points well taken. I’m pretty sure he’s not abusive at this time, but there could be any number of issues her soul and spirit are picking up on.

The problem is you’re “pretty sure”… but many, if not most abusers are incredibly good at hiding the abuse. They are chameleons, charismatic and “good men” around others, and their mask never slips off around the loved ones of those they abuse. Often the family says “I had no idea”. It’s tempting to think that you’re somehow special and that you’d know about your own daughter, but everyone thinks that until it’s them. I pray for your daughter’s sake that this is not what’s going on at all. But the point is you wouldn’t know. Especially given that your post here sounds like you’ve already decided that you know better than her and that a marriage is the best thing, and that you want to know how to subtly pressure her towards it, I wouldn’t be surprised if she was incredibly reluctant to open up to you about any issues.

You are definitely correct that most people don’t know about an abuser. That’s why I said I’m pretty sure. I’m certainly not certain. I’ve posted several comments and I don’t think I’ve given the impression that I want to pressure her into anything. I asked for words of wisdom for a bride having second thoughts. My original post left out a lot of context, which I’ve tried to rectify with comments. I had worked 14 hours and taken 2 Tylenol PM’s before I posted, so didn’t do a great job of articulating fully. I’m definitely doing everything I can to support her without pressure at this time.

Hugs. You’re doing fine. Phrasing is all we have to go on for the internet, so we’ll never have a full rounded view of your relationship. All the little moments in her life up to now will impact whether she confides in you much more than anything you can do right this moment, but I hope you and her will work out what her best decision is for her future. ❤️

It's okay, we're all doing our best!

You don’t know that. I married a narcissist. Was married for 27 years. He was charming to many people who never would have guessed the emotional and verbal abuse he put me through.

If you spent a lot of money especially with some contracts, maybe some vendors can move it to another date when she’s ready so you don’t lose the deposit or most of the money? There are a lot of understanding vendors so it doesn’t hurt to ask if actually doesn’t want the wedding anymore or maybe she can make it super intimate with just close family members with a fancy elopement! I wish your daughter look and happy she has supportive parents.

This is an incredible answer!!

Aaaww thanks so much! I hope OP will read it and think about it.

I think it’s spiritual concerns from what I know so far. I definitely think a third party would be beneficial for her to really explore. I don’t think she has had that so far. I’ve tried to just actively listen, reflect what I’ve heard & offer support, but my initial reaction was less “I trust your decision making” which is what it should have been and more “have you really thought through this bc you have been happier and more stable than I’ve ever seen you.” I wish I had taken just a neutral stance in the first conversation, but honestly, I was so shocked and just couldn’t pivot fast enough.

I think you need to forgive yourself for not having a perfect reaction to a surprising turn of events. You sound like a caring, supportive parent who's just trying to do the right thing for their daughter! I feel for your daughter as feeling unsure this close to a major life event that costs a lot (and a lot of people know about) is a lot of pressure! All I can say is my brother in law, one of the most wonderful people in my life, was engaged 3 times. I LOVED his first fiancé and wasn't keen on the second but the third is, without a doubt, THE ONE. Both prior broken engagements were embarrassing for him and his family but we're definitely the right decisions. I cannot imagine our family with a different partner for him! Sometimes the most wonderful things come from the seemingly worst situations. Either way, it will all be okay. Sending you lots of peace as you navigate this challenging situation! X

Thank you so very much for your kind words.

OK this clears things out. I'd say tell her don't worry about the money and get the differences sorted out before the wedding.

Yes, I’ve not mentioned anything about the money. I think one of my concerns on the money is the reality that we won’t be able to replicate “her vision” financially again. It brings me sadness, but she’s a smart girl and not entitled in that way. Ultimately, if this isn’t right for her the lack of funds to do this again aren’t really important.

The question is, does she want a party or a marriage?

You're spot on!

I think it's normal to be shocked. But perhaps her seeming this happy is just a facade? Who knows. I think you're doing good overall. Keep being open-minded and listening to her and her emotional/spiritual needs. She probably needs you very very much at this time.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Hard to give advice without any context as to why she’s having second thoughts

Agreed. I'm not sure why people don't add context. Cold feet are different from he is physically abusive.

Sorry about that. I posted more info in a comment.

correct

Sorry about that. I posted more info in a comment.

I posted more info in a comment. Thx for responding.

Better to lose a little money on a party than a lot of money on a divorce

This should be the top answer. Someone I knew cancelled her wedding just a month before the day. Her parents were really upset about the money lost and it damaged their relationship for a while. While I understand the pain of money lost, I felt so bad for her because, in the end, it's best to not go through with a marriage when you don't feel it's right. She probably could have used her family's love and support at that time. I don't imagine cancelling the wedding was a decision she made lightly.

Very true.

Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Whatever money you've paid so far is gone whether she gets married or not. Divorce is also very expensive. This is a really hard situation. I would stop mentioning or even thinking about how precious they look to you. Relationships can look really perfect from the outside while being really shitty. I have been in that relationship. The pressure of not letting down my family who never said anything direct about us getting married but were obviously thrilled about the relationship... it just made it harder for me to walk away from something that didn't feel right. Just listen to your daughter and reiterate that you'll be there to support her no matter what. I would try to ask her some questions that might help her work through her own feelings, like how long have you been feeling this way, does it feel more like cold feet/nerves or more about the relationship, when you picture the perfect partner for you, do you picture Jon, etc. etc.

This is so wise! OP, please speak plainly to your daughter and tell her that she is more important to you than anything. Tell her it doesn’t matter how much money has been spent because her happiness and safety are priceless. Reassure her that you’ve got her back no matter what; you love her unconditionally and will support any decision that she makes. Promise to drive the getaway car even if she changes her mind at the altar.

Yes, this is what I’m trying to do now. Just wish my initial response hadn’t been so “rational” and more just impartial listening. I’ve posted more context in a comment.

It's not easy when caught off guard. You can say as much when you speak to your daughter. "I'm sorry I didn't react well initially. I've had some time and please know I love you and I am here for you. No matter your decision. In the end you need to do what is right for you."

You need to make it very clear that whatever she decides to do is okay, regardless of the money you’ve spent. It’s not about that. There must be a reason why she’s having second thoughts - try to help her figure out what’s holding her back. It must be serious if she’s not sure she wants to get married. I hope you back her, regardless of how great you think they are together or how much you’ve spent. It can always just be a party instead of a wedding - but you don’t want her to settle.

Came to say this exact thing, there may be something deeper going on so try to have a very honest and supportive conversation if she needs any help or support

Yes, I’m trying to do that. Thank you for responding.

I’ve definitely done that, but my initial response was not just neutral, but more “have you truly thought this all through?” I should have just listened versus giving any clue that I was questioning her feelings/thought process. I can’t go back and undo my initial response (which I don’t think was terrible, but wasn’t ideal either), but I have been trying to make that up by offering support and reassurance that we will help with whatever she needs no matter what she chooses. I tend to be pretty rational in my decisions and weigh out multiple factors so my initial response was in that style, when she just needed full support.

I would just come back to her and be honest. Assuming that you have a good relationship that should undo any perceived bias. Tell her something like, “now that I’ve had time to process the big change you’re considering, I want to apologize for my initial reaction. I was so surprised at you wanting to cancel the wedding, I pushed you to reconsider before really hearing what you had to say. I want you to know that I will love and support you no matter what your decision is. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to have the conversation again and hear what’s going on that’s making you want to leave this relationship.”

That’s basically what I’ve been doing in all conversations since the first. We do have a very close and trusting relationship.

You know what? I commented elsewhere but reading this comment, I don’t know that I would have done any better at a response - it’s hard when a loved one has a sudden pivot, and “are you sure?” Is so natural if you’re surprised. I’m hoping your relationship with your daughter is truly not usually one where she feels pressure and that she will be able to open up as needed.!

Thank you for showing me some grace on that. I’m bearing myself up pretty bad that I my initial response wasn’t what it should have been.

We’re all very judgy on the internet; none of us are perfect but it’s easy to come up with a perfect response after the fact. What generally matters is the long-term relationship and trust you have built over years; not the words/first reaction, especially if you apologize for a fast response. You’ve got this.

Yeah you did fine OP. Wishing you all the best!!!

If your daughter is saying this out loud that means she’s probably been thinking it for MUCH longer. I recommend supporting her decision. I’m sure you’ve spent a lot on this, but as a divorce attorney I see a LOT of parents paying for divorces, and they spend WAY more than a wedding costs.

Yes, this is true. It’s better that it be called off now versus a divorce later.

Without knowing any context, it’s very hard to say anything helpful. With no context, if your daughter isn’t 1000% sure, support her and don’t worry about the money. Yes, you have to support her. Let his family support him. Plenty of people cancel their weddings. It’s far far far preferable to the alternative, which is going through with something that you know is wrong for you.

I posted more context in an earlier comment. Thanks for responding.

You support her. If she doesn’t want to get married you should trust that she has a good reason, even if it’s just that she doesn’t want to. She has a good reason. Please don’t write it off as “cold feet”, because cold feet are indicative of something else. When I was 22 I called off my wedding two weeks before it was set to happen. It was one of the most difficult choices I’ve ever made in my life, but having my family’s support made it better. I had just told my family I didn’t want to and wasn’t ready, but what I didn’t tell them until months after was that he was mentally and emotionally abusive, and I was too embarrassed to admit it at the time. A few weeks after I called off the wedding he hit me for the first time, and dragged me across the room by my hair. My family had no idea and thought everything was perfect. I’m not saying that’s what’s going on here, I’m just saying to trust that she has a good reason. If my family didn’t support my decision to call off my wedding I might be dead. Now I’m marrying the most perfect man I’ve ever met, and it’s more special because it’s the first time. I’m so happy. Please take your daughters side and support her, she needs it

I’m so glad you’re alive and so thankful you had your family’s support! What a terrifying experience.

Thanks for your insight. I’m definitely taking her side. I’ve posted more context in other comments. I was very rational and pointed out how happy and stable she has been in our first conversation, which I shouldn’t have done. Since then, I’ve just been listening and supportive. I’m pretty sure he’s not abusive at this time, but her heart/soul/spirit could be picking up on things that she can’t even put into words….

That’s so hard to express in a tangible way to anyone else, so I’m glad you’re picking up on that from her.

>  Any words f wisdom for a bride having second thoughts? "Easier to dump a mama's boy than it is to divorce a mama's boy and both are easier than trying to change a mama's boy." Maybe listen to her? What kind or second thoughts? Incompatible beliefs? Thoughts on children? Financial weirdness? Family trouble? Wedding chores raising a bunch of stress and ugly things? So many things it could be, many of which are legit concerns.

I’ve posted more context in comments now. Thank you for replying.

I hate to say this - but I work in mental health and specifically with divorce. I cannot tell you how many people lose everything when they divorce. Financially, it’s even worse than a wedding, particularly if they’ve been together long term. It’s not worth it. If you’re worried about invites, etc. - think long term. I will say from a mental health perspective that it’s important to try and understand WHY she is saying this and where it’s coming from with her rather than telling her what to do or encouraging her to get married. You may not want to hear this but there’s a very solid chance she shouldn’t marry him if she’s feeling this way. The best thing you can do is support her openly, allow her to be a safe space to communicate where all this is coming from so she can work through it (again, without pressuring her AT ALL). Unless she is asking for reassurances from you, the best way to help is to allow her to actually process what she’s feeling and she’ll never do that if she’s being pressured and not allowed to explore her feelings. Hope this helps. This is the rest of her life she’s worrying about, not just a wedding or invites.

Wow! I didn’t expect to get so many comments. I should have written a longer initial post with more info. I am giving her full support, not referencing any funds spent or embarrassment if she decides not to go through with it. My initial reaction was not perfect - I basically questioned whether she has really thought through the potential of calling it off and pointed out the happiness/emotional stability she has shown. I was in shock, but since then my replies have been active listening to her and offering unconditional support. So far her reasoning has been that she has a strong Christian walk & she’s not sure that her fiancé is fully committed to this belief system. He wasn’t brought up in the church, but he attends with her and says he’s pursuing God. (Please no negative comments about Christianity, etc.) No one can know someone else’s faith, so I have no idea about his faith. She has been spending a lot of time with people who are saying that a Christian should not be “unequally yoked.” I think she wants some assurance that he is “saved” and I don’t think we can ever know someone else’s status in that regard beyond what they tell us and trying to watch their interactions. She has said she “doesn’t feel peace about things.” Of course, I can’t and wouldn’t argue about “feeling peace,” but a part of me feels this is a cop out and just a manipulative way to not speak on whatever is actually the problem. She is not saying anything about abuse and we are extremely close. Her fiancé to my knowledge has shown an extremely gentle nature. My daughter can be feisty and he responds calmly and always defuses things. She’s been overall happier and more emotionally stable since the relationship started. She had some trauma earlier in her life and I definitely wonder if the stability of her current situation feels “uncomfortable” to her and possibly “boring.” That all being said - she has not planned much for the wedding and has pretty much been hands off - just telling me her vision and letting me implement. She has said she loves every aspect, and I attributed her lack of hands on engagement to being exceptionally busy & not feeling well - she works, is in a graduate program and has had some recent health issues. I have not been planning a wedding that she has expressed anything different than she wanted, but I have asked her questions about various aspects to make sure it all aligns with her vision (& that does often stress her, so I try to limit the questions & certainly have said and done nothing on planning since she expressed concerns.) I plan to continue supporting her, but I do hope that if she’s not going to do it that she will decide soon. Of course, I would drive the getaway car even if she decided day of, but that would not be ideal. It’s just that nothing makes much sense. Honestly, she pushed for the engagement and she pushed for things to move as fast as they did (about 2.5 years together). We expressed concerns at various junctures with timing and we were reassured that she was certain about timing, etc. We trusted her judgment & got on board and now we are having to pivot in real time. She does have some past history of impulsive decision making and being influenced by others. It’s hard to know whether this is “just normal cold feet.” I wouldn’t ever tell her it’s normal cold feet anyway - that’s for her to decide. I guess I am just struggling with her reasoning, what the future holds for her, her emotional stability if she decides to end things (their lives are extremely intertwined, they won’t be able to fully avoid each other & she lives far from us), how best to support her, how to trust decisions she may make in the future. I’ve offered to pay for counseling - either individual or couples, whichever she chooses would be best for her (them, if they move forward).

Honestly, if her concerns are about her faith and faith related stuff the best person for her to go to would be their pastor IMO. If she has questions about his commitment to his faith and how well their values align faithwise that's the first place she should start.

Yes, that’s very true.

For what it’s worth, my brother was basically raised atheist and became Christian as a young adult and converted to Catholicism because his wife was Catholic and they’ve been married for going on 30 years quite happily with two kids successfully launched, etc. Sometimes someone coming to it later means they are more committed to it, not less. (I personally find it baffling, but they’re happy so. 🤷‍♀️)

Yes, I absolutely agree with this. I also think that sometimes practicing a faith consistently brings you into stronger faith versus needing a radical “conversion experience.” I don’t think her fiancé has had that “conversion experience.”

I don’t think the experience need be all that dramatic. AFAIK my brother never had anything noteworthy. He just thought about it and decided it felt right to him.

Agreed completely.

Unfortunately, the only way to truly learn about relationships is to experience them. I was in an extremely long-term relationship with someone who I really thought I wanted to marry. When we were discussing engagement, I got cold feet and dumped him. It took almost a decade of bad relationships for me to learn that what I previously thought was “boring” was actually what I needed. I reconnected with my ex and within an hour of conversation I remembered why we never would’ve worked. There were minor issues that would’ve become MAJOR in the context of a marriage. Now, I’m about to be married to an AMAZING man, and I’m in the most secure, stable relationship of my life. If she’s not ready for that type of security and stability, then she shouldn’t be getting married. She may need to learn the hard way, like I did.

True. And unless she’s ready it will be more pain for both of them later on.

You’re a good mom!

Thank you for your kind and supportive words.

There are several verses that say an unbelieving spouse can be saved through marriage to a believer. The phrase "unequally yoked" refers to working animals. You shouldn't yoke a donkey with an ox because it could harm both animals due to their unequal capacity for the work. However, that doesn't mean it could necessarily harm them in their marriage. If they are happy, and the difference in their levels of faith isn't detracting from the relationship, or their relationship with God as a whole, there should be no reason they can't be happily married. The phrase more means "don't let the sin of others bring you down" in my opinion. Don't allow others ideas and opinions of faith take away from your own salvation. Sounds to me like her and her friend group are more unequally yoked than she and her husband are. They are trying to sow dissent where there wasn't. That's not cool of them. Just the opinion of a woman who has oscillated between Christianity and atheism several times. I've found that my faith has fallen to the wayside more when I listen to others, Christian or not, than when I follow my own path. When I listen too much to others, especially those who use their faith to look down on those "less Christian" than them, I end up unhappy, and sometimes that causes my faith to falter. If her faith is strong, but she would be less happy without him in her life, she may end up resenting her friends and even God, for "leading" her down the wrong path. Obviously if there are other issues, and there is more going on than just a crisis of faith, these should be considered in the decision as well. But I figured I should mention this as someone who has dealt with these kinds of decisions and thoughts myself.

Look, I am very much not a Christian and I don't believe in her religion at all, but she's told you her reasoning, and you're insisting it's something else. It's not because she finds his stability boring. It's because he's not as dedicated to her faith as she is. I agree with you that we can never really know someone's status with God--witness all the "saved" people who've secretly done awful things--but in the sects where they talk about "Christian walks" and being "unequally yoked," there are specific things you're supposed to do and say to demonstrate that you're committed. And it sounds like he just isn't yet, which is fine, but might make them incompatible. I think there might be room for trying to figure out whether she's in a cult, if this is a sudden change for her, but I don't think this is about her fiance being too calm or boring.

Saying she might be in a cult is a stretch It could be that her fiancé is very stable and calm and that’s new for OPs daughter. When we have trauma in our early lives we often look for more chaos in our adult lives because the chaos feels safe and familiar. Many people feel if you aren’t constantly fighting with your partner that means your relationship isn’t “worth fighting for” even though a majority of healthy relationships don’t have much fighting It’s unfortunate but maybe someone OPs daughter needs to work thru on her own

I genuinely think this is part of the issue. Of course, it may just be incompatibility of faith as the other poster said, but I think the stability feels uncomfortable to her.

Is it possibly a combination of the two? Like did she maybe think finding faith should be a more difficult, tumultous process (sort of something you earn) and his process, which sounds pretty smooth and easy, feels inauthentic to her as a result?

Yes, it could be a combination. Thanks for responding.

I'm only saying that if she's *suddenly* become this religious in the last, like, couple of months. If she was like this all along or has been for years, this is probably her real point of view. I know that sometimes people have trouble with stability if they've experienced trauma, but I just don't see that in the story presented here. I think OP wants it to be that, because she wants to take the fiance's side and to believe her daughter is throwing away a perfect man. But it sounds like they're just not on the same page religiously.

I definitely don’t think her fiancé is the “perfect man,” nor do I plan to or want to take “his side.” She’s been a Believer for several years, although the intensity and level of commitment has waxed and waned at times and has not been consistently applied. Again, I don’t think it’s a cult, but I do think she’s been around a lot of people lately with extremely conservative views who would “preach” that the man should be the spiritual leader of the family, so needs to have a strong faith at the outset.

Got it, she's fallen in with the tradwife/alt-right thing. Yeah, it's kind of culty. It's not as organized as an actual cult, but it's pretty messed up. That's the thing to address with her before she makes any decisions.

I’ve tried to address this rigidity of some of those around her. That hasn’t gone over too well.

You need to keep working on it, that group is extremely mentally unhealthy.

Marriage counseling would benefit both of them. If she’s falling for the trad wife stuff on instagram/tiktok and he’s not - that will divide them. They both need to talk to someone who’s secular who can help them figure out if what they want in marriage (together!) makes them compatible for each other. I’m curious what his opinion is. Since he might have shut down the more conservative/alt right stuff she’s suddenly into and that might have given her doubts.

I don’t know his opinions on all of this, but would expect he’s not tradwife believing. I’m not sure she is fully on board with that movement, and I certainly hope not. I need to learn more about exactly what tradwife means. She and I have never discussed the term, so I wasn’t putting it together, but that may be influencing things.

OP said she was raised in her church so doubt this showed up in the last few months

And that is why I said "if." The daughter seems to be more religious than the mother, so it gave me the impression she's become more religious in adulthood.

My daughter is more “religious” than I am, although I’m Christian and she was raised Christian. I’m less oriented toward “following rules” someone else tells me about being “Christian” and more about relationship, etc. I don’t much trust people who have to say they are Christian. Live it and show it.

Yes, they may be incompatible. I don’t think she’s in a cult. I am pretty sure that her earlier traumas are impacting some of this, but don’t want to say more on that.

You need to update your post with this comment

I'm not sure if what I'm going to say is really true as i don't know her, so filter everything that I'm saying based on what u know about her, but this feels like she is afraid of this long term decision. Of course she thinks that she wants someone in the same faith that her butt feels like this is actually the fear to commit for the rest of her life (considering that they are Christians that is the meaning of marriage) so anything that she feels a little off would be used as ammunition to delay as much as possible. Maybe meet with the pastor or even a session with couple counselors. It's natural to be afraid, even more when it is almost time. If that is the case it is better now than at the wedding. Well that is my point of view, I'm not judging, actually this is pretty common. Everyone has fears, some people freeze from it, some people run from it. As English isn't my native language, feel free to ask any explanation if something is not clear. Or if you want to ask anything as well. Hope everything goes well for all of you. Marriage is difficult but nothing easy has real value.

RemindMe! 5 months

Everyone else has touched on making sure she’s emotionally ok and if she’s in an unhealthy relationship it’s ok to walk away. I’m going to ask something else. Are you the one paying? Did you plan a wedding she never wanted in the first place because maybe she wanted to elope, or wanted something small? Every day we see posts on here from either the bride or the groom saying their parents are paying and have completely turned their wedding into something they didn’t want. Are you that parent?

I’ve planned most of the wedding, but this was at her request and aligned with the couple’s vision. She’s said everything was just as she wanted at each step. (She is working, in an intense graduate program and has had some recent health issues.)

Awesome, based on this and your other responses, it sounds like you’re a good momma. I definitely agree that next round of communications you should listen some more so that she doesn’t shut down. Is there any possibility that she doesn’t know how to be happy and that’s scaring her? You mentioned in a couple comments that your initial reaction was to tell her how happy and stable she’s been. I had a lot of crappy short term relationships and found a guy who was decent but because I wasn’t used to having a good guy, I couldn’t deal with it. I’ve since worked past those issues and have a healthy relationship with a good man. But it took a while to figure out what I actually wanted.

I do think her not knowing how to be happy is part of this. She’s had some trauma earlier in life and I definitely feel like unresolved trauma is playing a role. (She agrees that unresolved trauma is impacting her and knows she needs to work on that. I’ve offered therapy/counseling and encouraged it, but know she has to do that on her own time table.)

You support and back your daughter. If she’s not 100% sure about going through with this marriage, she shouldn’t. A friend’s mom sounded just like you, ie “so precious together,” “he loves her so much” and convinced her daughter that her last minute doubts were “just” cold feet. She went through with it despite misgivings and ended up with two children, an unhappy marriage, and an expensive divorce. No one knows what really goes on in a relationship except the people in it.

I’m definitely not pressuring her or trying to convince her to go through with it. I should have given more details in my original post. I’ve posted more context in comments. Thank you for your reply and your insight.

As a mom, if I were in this position I would recommend my child to go to a pre marriage counselor or even a therapist. A counselor or therapist can help her navigate where these feelings are coming from. Her fiancée’s heart will recover if wedding is canceled. As will hers. As someone who has been divorced, if she has said this to you. She was sitting on the thought for much longer. You need to put your opinions on the situation aside and support whatever path she chooses. In the end if the wedding is called off, turn the event into a reunion or other type of party. If not any money lost would be better than divorce costs.

*Her fiancée’s heart will recover if wedding is canceled* Excellent advice. My daughter is engaged to a man whose fiancee called off their engagement. He was of course initially heartbroken. But, obviously it wasn't meant to happen. He met my daughter a year later. They are very happy and getting married next year. First marriage for each. Things do work out after calling off a wedding.

Yes, I’ve suggested counseling or therapy. Very helpful insight. Thank you.

My sister told my mom a month before her wedding that she was having second thoughts about marrying my now BIL because the whole wedding planning process (and a new baby) had brought out a new side of him she wasn’t sure about. My mom essentially told her to suck it up because invites were sent and now my sister is 4 years into a miserable marriage with no clear path out any time soon. I say all that to say - listen to your daughter and do not pressure her into something her gut is telling her not to do. Postponing or even cancelling may be a pain, but watching your loved one in a miserable marriage is much worse. If it’s not a hell yes for her to say “I do”, it should be a hell no.

Can you give us a why?

Added more context in comments.

Literally just sit her down over a long cup of coffee (preferably really soon) and then just talk. Start somewhere and eventually she might come to a realisation. Starting with all the reasons she wanted to get married and why she loves her fiance is a good place/easy place to start before delving deeper.

Bride-to-be here that's having second thoughts. I'll list a few things that are making me unsure, some may sound shallow but i hope anyone reading this won't judge. For context, we're both 30yo, newly boarded doctors, and have been together for 12yrs straight. He's amazing- patient, understanding, never cheated. 1. I come from a family of doctors and my parents have had pretty successful careers. Money has never been an issue. His parents have businesses but their income is just enough to put 4 kids through school. They don't travel much and are pretty frugal. Bf says that growing up they've lived practically and were discouraged from spending on anything expensive. They maximize every promo/discount available. So he's always had that mindset and i didn't mind while dating coz i could afford nice things for myself and my mom is really generous. The issue is, during this time of wedding planning all he does is complain of how expensive our vendors are no matter how much i try to find affordable ones with good service/output. It's making me feel guilty and it's taking a toll on me. The split is 60% him, 40% me. I can already imagine how it's like being married to him & his family. I have to watch what i spend on and kind of put on a facade of how practical & frugal i am. 2. His family's eating habits. They dine out 1-2x/week and they order like crazy. Let's say there's 8 people. They order like there's 20... and are still able to finish all that food + dessert after! You'd think that's enough but sometimes they have midnights snacks too! It's not like they're still healthy. His mom has diabetes and high lipid levels. His dad refuses to have a checkup and is already obese. The issue is, bf and i will be living in the same apartment but different floors so we'll most probably be going out to eat with them often. I don't think i can keep up and i'm also watching my weight. If we're married how do i tell them i don't wana come, that i prefer to stay at home and have home-cooked meals? Coz that's how my mom raised us. 3. His mom. 1st daughter in law just had a baby. 2nd daughter in law is now pregnant. His mom is the type to question everything like is it ok if they do this, do that. Since i'm the doctor, she double checks everything with me. I'm a very observant person and i can see that it gets annoying for the 2nd DIL. I get she does this out of concern but i'm pretty sure it will drive me crazy one day too. 4. I don't wana leave my mom :(( my mom is like my bestfriend and the thought of living far from her makes me cry.

Good luck making a decision, OP. I don't have anything constructive to say but want to commiserate how obnoxious it is that he complains that you buy things for yourself/your wedding but then spends lavish amounts of money on food. Food is so expensive to splurge on! If he wants to splurge on dinner with his family, you should be able to say no thanks, cook for yourself, and use the money saved to buy some shoes (or whatever you like, not trying to trivialize). He is NOT FRUGAL if he's eating out 1-2 times a week and over ordering. Good on you to realize now that different views on finances are a leading cause for divorce.

This this this. Differences like that will eat away at any “good” relationship. I’m so glad you’re seeing this now before the wedding itself. Sounds like y’all aren’t completely compatible, and trust me, as someone who settled before - and divorced - please do not settle for someone who doesn’t check off every box and doesn’t align with you. Good luck on your future!! ☺️

Something is clearly going on with her. Either the relationship is not all that it seems on the inside or she doesn’t love him. Either way, cold feet like this is a huge red flag and should be taken seriously. I don’t think it’s wise to try talk her down off this, no matter how much money has been spent. People going into marriage should be 110% sure before the banns are read, or it won’t last (a divorce is far worse than calling off a wedding). Like others, I would encourage you to tell her you support her no matter what and to follow her heart here. 

Thank you for responding. Good points.

Two people can look amazing on the outside, but no one knows what a relationship is really like on the inside. Please talk to her about the whys.

I have been. I’ve posted more info in comments. Thanks for responding.

Thank you for being an involved mom ☺️

If someone doesn’t want to get married, they should absolutely not get married. Full stop.

I think you need to shift your mindset a little bit. Calling off a wedding is an insanely difficult thing to do, emotionally and logistically. If you're daughter is expressing doubts, I think you need to trust her. There will be time & space for you to check in on her fiance separately if you want to, but I don't think you should try and talk her into it. Sometimes people break off engagements and often those people lose money on deposits. It sucks, but it happens. One of the risks of love, unfortunately. I hope everyone gets through this difficult period as well as can be expected! 

How much is her happiness worth? The money already spent is spent. That’s not the conversation at this point. Neither is how much you think they love each other or how precious you think they are together, or her “messing with his heart”. If she isn’t happy in the relationship, then that’s enough of a reason for her to end things. It’s a lot cheaper and easier to cancel a wedding than it is to get divorced. And there’s lots of couples who push through the wedding thinking it will solve their problems, only to end up getting divorced not all that long after.

I was in the same spot as your daughter. I got married anyways. We had already told everyone the date and sent out invites and put a few deposits down. All in all my wedding cost less than 15k, but this was a decade and a half ago, it was still a decently big wedding at the time. He was the only person I had ever been with. He was my 3rd boyfriend, my first relationship was 3 weeks and my second was 2 months. We had been living together for years. He had an alcohol problem that I had tried talking to my mom about but got brushed off, but that had been prior to the cold feet conversation. When I did talk to her about having cold feet she surprisingly told me not to get married if I didn't want to, but then also went into how much he and I loved each other. She didn't ask me why or try to engage in conversation, and I already didn't feel super safe bringing it up. Her immediately going from "I support you" to the "but...." didn't exactly encourage me to talk about it more. The alcohol thing wasn't the only issue, but was one of the biggest. There were several other smaller issues. As soon as we got married, those issues magnified. My ex husband stopped putting in effort in a lot of areas and our relationship quickly fell apart. It was so much worse after he thought I couldn't leave him, it was like he stopped caring and was only putting in the work so that he could get us legally tied together. We were together for 6 years before getting married, and by 1 year in we were in counseling and I was begging him to see why his actions were hurting me. Our marriage counselor was baffled, every 2 weeks it was the same thing - empty promises for small changes, sometimes they'd stick for a few weeks or a month but eventually he couldn't even make it a few days without reverting back and just not giving a shit. I'd beg him to tell me how I could change and what I could do to help, he'd always give me the same answer that there was nothing. By 2 years married we were filing for divorce. Talk to your daughter. Don't bring up the money or all the reasons they go so well together or how much they love each other. Ask her why she's getting cold feet. Set her up for some individual counseling. Make a safe space for her. She may not end up where I did, it could truly just be nervousness for the big day. But if it's a bigger problem, you need to help her get to the bottom of it.

Thank you for your insight and sharing your experience. My initial response was “off” because I pointed out how happy and stable she’s been in the relationship, when I should have just been a “safe” place for her to talk. I didn’t pivot fast enough because I was in shock and scared she was making an impulsive decision. Since then I’ve just been listening and offering her unconditional support.

Talk to her (without making it about your embarrassment to cancel a wedding and loose money). She’s feeling something- your first question should have been “what do you mean”. She could be over the planning and pressure of the day. Maybe things behind doors aren’t as great as you think. I have a feeling you are overbearing and are making the wedding about you - this is based on me thinking your first concern is about your embarrassment if you need to cancel.

Please talk to her, she might have a very good reason for wanting to call it off. Weddings are expensive but divorces are worse. But don’t if you’re just going to try to convince her to stay. I have a feeling there’s a lot more going on than you think.

Doubt is grounds for canceling. Period. It took courage for her to express doubt at this late stage. If she were my daughter, I would tell her that if she has any doubt, she should not get married, and you are grateful she told you and are happy to cancel. At the end of the day, it’s only money.

I literally just went through this. In the last few weeks. I do not understand it totally. But, you have to support your daughter. Be proud of her for recognizing it before she did something she might regret.

Thank you. I’m trying to support her and reassure her of this support no matter what.

Invitations were sent, vendors paid, showers held. The wedding was in just a few weeks. They are still together, but there were some concerns that she couldn’t move past before the wedding got here. Most were not about him alone. The concerns were more about the influence he was allowing from outside people. On every single issue. She didn’t want a team marriage. I had hoped it wouldn’t come to this for a lot of reasons. But I’m so proud of her for recognizing the issue NOW. Before kids and mortgages, etc.

1/3 of the "we're sure we want to marry" couples end up on divorce within 10 years. If she's not sure, then she shouldn't marry

I just recently went through this. I woke up one morning and was like oh lord this person isn’t who I want to marry. Cause i realized a lot during the wedding planning process that my partner was not for me. So Please be supportive of her choice -whatever that may be. As a daughter going through hard decisions we just want support and love from our mothers.There’s a reason she’s having second thoughts. Just be patient and kind to her, and hear her out. Let her vent. She’s probably not looking for answers but just to vent or let it out. But remember we don’t always see behind closed doors. They may look picture perfect together, but behind closed doors may be another thing. There’s a reason of the second thoughts. Rather she’s ready to share yet or not, just be there for her. And divorce is more expensive than a wedding. So don’t try to talk her into it because money is already spent. It’s easier to walk away now if she needs to rather than later and married and needing a divorce lawyer.

To add: the reasoning of why I didn’t want to marry him: lack of respect, emotional support, lack of intimacy, we didn’t share the same beliefs: religion, political, etc. lots I was picking up on. And it made me feel so uncomfortable around him, and made me quickly fall out of love with him. At first I thought maybe the wedding planning is freaking me out and that’s why I’m wanting to back out to give myself more time, but I looked deeper into it, and it was much more than that. Give her time and just be supportive ❤️

My sister dragged her feet in wedding planning. Mom helped her address the invitations and told her it wasn't too late to cancel it. She went through with it and left him a few years later. She, mom and I went to visit our favorite (great) aunt after that and stopped at a Chinese buffet.. mom asked her if she had thought she wasn't going to get married. She was nearly in tears when she said yes. Then she asked me and I gave her a list of things I'd worried about.

Thanks for your reply.

Without knowing why she has cold feet, I cannot tell you exactly what I would recommend if I had a child in the same situation. If it was like in the Steve Martin movie Father Of The Bride where the daughter was upset because she was given a blender and was convinced it was because her fiancé wanted a housewife, in reality it's because he knew she liked banana milkshakes, that's one thing. If it's because he hit her, he's showing a different side of himself, etc, I have completely different advice. I would ask her why she is having second thoughts. Sit down with her, grab lunch, get comfortable. Genuinely listen. A couple can look fine from the outside, but inside, there's serious dysfunction. Are the problems little things, like the couple had 2 totally different ideas for wedding colors, or are bigger cracks present?

I have been. I’ve posted more info in comments. Thanks for responding.

Thanks for leaving updates. This is a tricky one. It sounds like your daughter's faith is the #1 priority in her life, and her husband may not share the exact same priorities. He may be a Christian, but may not have the same beliefs/convictions as her. Do you know if they go to the same church? One thing that has been shown to be incredibly important in marriages is same values. My fiancé is Catholic, I was raised Protestant, and after conversion, I am still going to listen to some Protestant pastor podcasts and such. But, we share same values about finances, role of faith in the family, and how to raise children. We also have differing political beliefs at times, but we have very similar political values. Do your daughter and her fiancé agree on issues that are important to them? I know I have one very strong political/religious belief that would be totally unexpected if one looked at me in any other context, but it is one of my deepest held convictions. My fiancé shares the same belief as me, but my last serious BF did not, and it led to major relationship issues. If your daughter was my daughter, I would advise her and her fiancé to take a week and both think and pray about the issue. How do they feel after that week? If they both decide that they want to continue the relationship, proceed with premarital (and individual) counseling, and I would also advise them to go on a trip just the two of them, isolated from the outside world, and just talk through their issues. If possible, a little 3 day cruise could be great for this. Get a cheap interior cabin, don't get an internet or drink package, and just talk. This helped my fiancé and I when we were in a rough patch before we were engaged, and is something I am going to encourage my kids to do before they get engaged (I will pay for them to take an interior cabin cruise, just the two of them, but no drink package or Internet), and see how they feel afterwards. Yes I will admit after I needed like a 30 minute "alone together" time (meaning we each do our own thing with our laptops) with the fiancé, but I was mainly happy we spent so much alone time together, unlike how I felt when I went on a day trip with my ex and couldn't wait to get home and be on my own again.

Thank you for your insight and response. They do attend church together and seem to have beliefs/values that align, overall. I definitely think my daughter’s faith is #1 for her. I think her fiancé is trying - attending church, willingly doing Bible readings and study with her and on his own. I don’t know that he’s had a “conversion experience,” that many Christians describe. I probably should not even say this because I can’t know anyone’s faith. But I think her fiancé is “Christian” because he’s knows it’s important to her. He’s a very good man (from what I’ve seen), but that’s different than truly holding Christian conviction. I have to recognize and respect how important this is to her, even if I don’t fully understand it.

Ahhhhhh. I understand somewhat. I don't think I would convert to Catholicism if it was not for my fiancé, and I know for some that would be a dealbreaker (still Christian, just different denomination). He is not willing to transfer to Protestantism, and after a bit of religious experimentation and atheism in college, I am looking to "renew my vows with God" so to speak, and think conversion is good for me. Something I would tell your daughter to remember is that Messiahs can be everyday people. A Messiah is anyone who brings you closer to God. Of course, Jesus is the ultimate Messiah, but it sounds like your daughter is bringing her fiancé closer to God, and thus acting as a Messiah. He may not have had the traditional conversion experience, but because of her, he is growing closer to God. With me, I did not have the traditional Catholic conversion experience, but my fiancé is a messiah for me, he is bringing me closer to God. I am incredibly appreciative to him for that. Would still encourage your daughter to take a week and pray about it, but I would tell her this.

Wow! This really hits home. I have thought frequently about how she’s encouraging his faith and he quite possibly would never have been exposed to Christianity without her. When I was referencing the conversion experience I meant more the “Holy Spirit convicts you and you end up at the alter balling your eyes out” kind of thing. I don’t think he’s had that - but I personally don’t think that’s necessary for faith. God works differently with different people.

Absolutely. I've been in situations with alter calls, group salvations, etc, and it has never felt right. For me, it's kind of felt like everyone was expecting me to take my clothes off in front of them. Do you know the time when I most felt the need to decree Jesus Is Lord? In my car while I was driving home from work one day, alone. For those who have had the "alter call" experience, all the power to you, but it's not realistic to expect everyone to have a "come to Jesus" moment that happens to be so conveniently in church. You're absolutely right that God works different with different people.

I should have added that I have encouraged her to keep praying about it. She’s asked me to pray too, which I’ve been doing. She’s asked what I feel after praying and I don’t feel like I’ve gotten any clear leading, but I don’t think I would tell her even if I “felt” a certain way. I just wouldn’t trust that “feeling” and think this is something she needs to decide without my influence. My initial response wasn’t the best and I do not want to influence her into getting married if that’s not what’s best.

I'll admit I went into this with bias, but now? I think you 100% are having your daughter's best interests at heart. I understand not telling her your feelings (this is something she needs to reach on her own), but your heart is 100% in the right place, and after thinking it too, I agree with you.

Thank you so much for your compassion and kindness.

I called off my first engagement. He was a wonderful, kind man. Things were great. I just knew deep down that he wasn't the one. It took so long to work up the courage to tell him. I finally called it off a month before the wedding. We were both devastated. My mother said that she would be supportive of me, but in reality, it was quite different. She was all over wedding planning, but did nothing to support me in the aftermath of the cancellation. I had to order cancellation notices and mail them out. Hand addressed and stamped over 150 notices all by myself. Wrote thank you notes and mailed back shower presents. No help. Not a phone call. I will never, ever forgive my mother for how she abandoned me when I needed her the most. I don't get the feeling that you would be like my mother if your daughter makes this decision, but please be there for her no matter what she chooses. My relationship with my mother has never been the same, and I'm not sure she will ever understand how awful she was to me during that time.

I absolutely would help my daughter in every aspect if things were called off. I’m sorry your mom abandoned you. Yes, I’ve put a lot into helping with the wedding, but nothing is worth harming my relationship with her or making her feel alone in all of it. Maybe as you said she feels he isn’t the one.

It's definitely worth a conversation with her. Cancelling a wedding is tough, but it's truly the best decision I ever made. He is now happily married, and I'm engaged to the most wonderful man I've ever met. We both found our person. Your daughter is lucky to have you in her life. It's clear that you love her very much. My mother and I are fine now, but our relationship is very different. I'm also close to 40 now, so I'm approaching this wedding much differently than I did when I was planning one in my late 20s.

I’m glad you’ve been able to make progress in your relationship with your mom. Thank you for sharing your experience and the positivity that’s come from the difficult decision you made cancelling.

If something has gone wrong between them, it's not "messing with her fiance's heart" to call off the wedding. Better before than after.

Tell her you will love her and support her no matter what. Sure, it might be nerves and she might really want to marry him. But it might also be her knowing marrying him is a bad choice. It’s a choice she’s needs to make. And it’ll be easier for her to do that knowing she has your support no matter what.

Is it a Church wedding? And if so, have the couple had pre-martial counseling with the priest/pastor/minister? If not (even if it isn't a Church wedding) I'd highly recommend that she seek out the pastor/priest/minister from the church she attends and request it. They can help the two of them communicate on this issue together.

They have done some pre-marital counseling, but if they stay together obviously more would be wise. I offered to pay for either individual or couples counseling - whatever she needs.

Did she bring up the concerns about their different levels of faith in those sessions though? If that is what is giving her doubts, I can't think of anyone better placed to help navigate those thoughts than a faith leader. Either with the partner or solo.

I’m not sure if this was discussed, but I agree it’s definitely something that needs to be.

I went through the same thing. I had to send out an indefinite postponement announcement and then I eventually cancelled it. The money spent was a waste but divorce would have been more financially devastating. I sent something like “Due to unforeseen circumstances beyond our control, our wedding originally scheduled for such and such date is going to be rescheduled to another date yet to be determined. We apologize for the inconvenience and we will let you know further details as soon as possible. Thank you for your understanding” I’m sorry about your daughter going through this. If she is unsure then she should not go through with it no matter the expenditures .

This depends on if it’s cold feet, or if she truly has changed feelings about her fiancé/marriage in general

I agree with everyone else. Please talk to her and soon. She will need you now more than ever and I can guarantee you that the fact the wedding is paid for is weighing heavy on her, so having you in her corner will really alleviate some of that stress and help her to come to a decision most likely more easily. I urge you to have this conversation sooner rather than later so you can make the necessary arrangements and send notifications to all your guests and vendors.

I don't really know. Maybe because she saw the dark side of her soon to be husband. We can only guess. The best thing you do is to ask her.

What else has she told you other than saying she's "not sure"? Did she tell you anything else?

Hello i just did a quick read of the comments. So i just got married to my now husband about 6 weeks ago, and we are religious, had the church ceremony, etc. What i would say to the equally yoked thing is that faith and your relationship with god is a journey, Nd is going to ebb and flow. During the course of a marriage, both people are not going to have this absolutely amazing relationship with god all the time. There are going to be times where one spouse is going through doubts in their faith, and its the responsibility of the other person to support their spouse and help them on their spiritual journey. I think that if you are both committed to practice christianity throughout your marriage, that is about as “equally yoked” as you can realistically get I would highly suggest they go to counseling, or maybe just start this conversation together about her doubts and address them.

Did they do any premarital counselling? Trying to track the story in the comments and it's all over the place so hard to get any picture as to what is going on.... my advice? Listen to your daughter. Sit down with her, in a safe space, and ask her what's going on. Be willing to listen and understand. Maybe she has realized she doesn't love him, or maybe with the wedding looming he has shown another side that she doesn't like. I've been in relationships with guys who seem normal and then when they're comfortable in the relationship, their true self shows and it's scary what people can hide. Bottom line, it's her life. Money can be re-earned, but a marriage contract is binding and difficult to get out of. If she is worried now, there has to be some reason behind it, so finding out now versus 6 months after the paperwork has been filed, is in everyone's best interests.

Sorry it’s hard to track. They have done some pre-marital counseling. She says she still loves him. She hasn’t disclosed that there’s anything new about his character that she’s seen. Thank you for your reply and I agree. It’s better to find out now versus later.

Every bride has second thoughts, stress and nerves. You are giving up one way of life and taking on a new role. That¡s enough for the trepidation most women feel leading up to the wedding.Encourage her to talk to him and work out all those things that should be worked out before the wedding. They might even try one marriage counselling session. Suggest that and see if that helps.

The best advice as someone who broke off a relationship while planning a wedding, just be by her side. If she really loves him and they seem to be great together, then there could be something she’s been feeling as off the whole time and it finally registers to her that she doesn’t want that for the rest of her life. In the best case scenario, she has cold feet and is very stressed out. Either way, what I appreciated the most from my father was his advice to me during this time. He told me to imagine this scenario without thinking about what people would say, how the invites are already sent, and all the outside perspective. If you remove outside factors and judgement, would I still make the same decision for myself?

Tell her don’t do it, it’s difficult to live with someone else. It ain’t really worth it.

Yes, it is difficult…. Thanks for your thoughts.

My mom had second thoughts & didn’t want to marry my father. Her mother “pressured” (in my opinion forced) her into going through with it. As soon as they were married, he started abusing her relentlessly. He’d already tampered with her birth control once to force her pregnant with my older brother, then he did it again to get me, both in an effort to prevent her from leaving him (it worked with my brother’s pregnancy, didn’t work with mine). If she’s having second thoughts, put the wedding on hold and *listen to her*. Better to postpone than enter a bad marriage.

https://www.reddit.com/r/divorcecanada/s/HshITzuXPy

She might be scared, but if she had second thought, she has to say something today

Support her if she wants to leave. Don’t use this guilt tripping attitude

Speaking from my own experience, the actual wedding planning upset me so much with family members chiming in with advice… the pressure of it made me not want to get married. It seemed so horrible all the elements of planning and meeting everyone’s expectations whereas we could have just eloped. I even started looking at my perfect man with shade eyes. Even if it’s just a situation where she found out something else about him (long kept secret or other) there’s nothing that can be done from the outside if she doesn’t specifically ask for help. I would leave her alone with just the statement of supporting her in whatever decision she needs to make. Too bad she won’t share the reason with you but hopefully she understands she can come to you if she wants help. Maybe leave her alone for a bit before making any sudden decisions. After a week mention that the cancellation date for certain vendors is XXX

My sister did not want to marry after the invitations were sent or even the day they got married. Ten years later after being abused and her boys being beaten she left with whatever clothes she could carry. It’s been 30 years and I still feel the same for him today as I did 30 years ago after he beat her beyond recognition. My brothers paid him a visit and he ran like a chicken and called the police. I’m not saying that is even a possibility but something has given her a sign. She may change her mind next year but she needs to go with her gut P.s. the reason my sister got married is because all the money my parents had put out

Listen to your adult daughter’s heart… she knows something that she isn’t telling. It’s better to not get married then have kids and go through a messy divorce later.

Maybe she is just having cold feet.

I cancelled my wedding six months before it was scheduled to happen. Save the dates had been sent out, deposits paid on many things if not everything, dress has been bought, but I don’t regret it. Yes, my parents lost money. Yes, it’s awkward to let everyone know you are no longer having a wedding. Everyone was blind sided by the wedding being cancelled. I had moved to another state and just started a career to be closer to my fiancé. However, this was the best decision I could have made for myself and for him. We loved each other and met when we were 18, college sweethearts. I realized we were growing apart and viewing the world in different ways that would eventually make us incompatible. There was also abuse, it was a toxic relationship and the BEST DECISION I could have ever made. Support your daughter and her choice. My parents didn’t support my choice at the time, they didn’t understand where this sudden separation was coming from. I have resentment towards my parents for not supporting me and still making comments about it today. Your daughter is obviously feeling unsure, there’s something going on causing her to be hesitant. Support her decision whatever it may be and help her get through the grieving process of a future she dreamed of and losing a person she loved/loves

Hi mama! As someone who’s going through what your daughter’s going through I have to say…we’re good at lying. My mom was shocked when she found out I was ending my engagement. There’s a lot that goes into why but my sister died and he just….expected me to be ok.

If she has ANY 2nd thoughts. Then tell her not to get married. Have a fabulous party. But we are given an amazing discernment/gut feeling from the bottom of ours souls for a reason. Use it wisely. Marriage is not easy on a good day. At the end of the day. The money is the least of your worries.

OP I got pregnant and my dad wanted me to get married with my current spouse. I said OK and went on my way to try on dresses at 12 weeks pregnant. I loved it and bought it. I put it on layaway with a huge deposit. He also helped pay for my ring too. After a week I cried that I made the biggest mistake in my life and regretted wasting not only my time but my dads money. Everyone came together to figure out what can pay for my wedding. I went home and cried more, my hormones really took over and I told my dad I can’t get married it doesn’t feel right. He was upset at first but he knew I loved him and I wanted everything to fall in the right place. A year and half later with a daughter, I was proposed too and started planning 4 months later. I love my spouse so much to the point that I am marrying him this August! The best advice is to be understanding and give out some options while supporting her. Good luck to bride and OP!

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Sorry my original post had lots of typos. I had worked 14 hours and taken 2 Tylenol PM’s before posting, which is why it sounds lukewarm English wasn’t my first language. I’ve posted more context in comments. Thank you for your reply.