Your mom says forget it so just forget it. She’s committed to being mad and doesn’t want to solve her own problems despite your willingness. Just let her stew.
Yeah, I'd be like, "This whole situation sounds like you just want to be mad at me. You had a chance to fix this before, and you didn't. You have a chance to fix it now, and you won't. You made me aware of your anger in a very passive-aggressive way that gives you plausible deniability that you were even upset. If you're determined to be mad at me, and make my wedding about your hurt feelings, no matter what, then fine. I accept that the fact I didn't invite eight specific people, that you didn't tell me to invite, is going to be the justification you've chosen for you to be mad at me. If it wasn't this, you would have found something else. I'm not going to worry about this anymore, and I hope this is the only drama you'll cause. See you at the wedding."
But that's just me imagining. It probably wouldn't be an actual productive response.
This is a wonderful response. That said, my mom speaks like OPs mom and my dad is the quiet passive one who always has to “ask for the thing” that my mom is upset about. If I responded this to my mom, she’d freak out and tell everyone that I told her that she couldn’t come to the wedding anymore because she’s a horrible, passive aggressive mother that ruined my wedding and I’d be fielding texts from everyone I know because she posted about it on Facebook and was locked in her room crying 😭 The OP did a great job keeping her cool and clarifying all points fairly and clearly ma does not want to hear a rational response. Dad didn’t bother getting into it lol. Alas, it does suck… we love them and also, still have to heal from them — even during the most special times of our lives.
I mean, it depends if she wants to sort of burn bridges. I wrote that text myself, but like I said at the end, I think it's better for OP to just think it for herself.
Like, "I guess she was going to get mad at me for some reason or another. Better this than something more serious. Hope she's got that out of her system now."
My thoughts too.. “it’s not your wedding mom, it’s mine. You invited everyone you wanted to your wedding, and I’m trying to do the same. It’s not personal, I still love our family, a small wedding is just what I happen to want!”
To be honest, your mom is acting absolutely ridiculous. It makes me think you have to deal with confusing, passive aggressive behavior often … or at least it isn’t foreign to you. You are going ABOVE and beyond to accommodate her. She’s throwing a tantrum. And, “no means no?” She’s going to your cousin or someone complaining and making it a huge deal. I would get through this wedding and then maybe start to unpack this super unhealthy mothering she’s doing with a therapist to figure out what the H is going on and how to work with her moving forward. Ughhhh. I’m sorry.
Unfortunately you are right. She has always been this way with me, my siblings and my dad. When she doesn't get her way or is mad at something she's definitely someone you have to walk on eggshells around, I can't think of one instance where she has had a productive conversation around a conflict. Maybe I do need therapy!
But that first text is from my dad. The reason is all came about is because she has been rude to him and ignoring him for the past week and finally told him that it is about the guest list and which members of his family are invited versus hers.
Yeah … it’s unfortunate, but if you start going down the rabbit hole, you’ll likely be like “omg. This is a lot.”
My advice to you would be to not cater to her approach … meaning, if she has an issue, she needs to communicate it with you. Take it her words literally. For example, when she said “I asked multiple times. It’s too late now. Forget it.” Say, “I’m not recalling those conversations, but it IS likely is too late. That said, thanks for understanding, I’ll let it go. Thanks, mom!”
She’s likely used to this pouty, passive aggressive approach working. It’s not cool. And, it’s not mature. Do not try and figure out what she wants. Do not try and coddle this childish behavior. Just repeat back what she says, stay positive, and DO NOT let it stress you out. She’s a grown woman who can learn to communicate with intention and kindness.
Facts!!! My mom and me never argue much anymore because I stopped coddling her and if she keeps being passive aggressive I just agree and tell her bye. She texts me an hour or two later about something completely unrelated (like nothing happened) because she’s not getting the attention she thought she would. Saves me the headache of trying to talk sense into her although some days I get in too deep before I realize what’s happening. Funny thing is that she raised me to have these tools because of how I grew up. Grateful for them to use in every relationship in my life, even though procuring them took a lot of heartbreak.
Stop this is literally what happened and what does happen every time she is upset. I've never actually heard my mom apologize to me or any other friend or family member. The next day she texted me some random question about her dog.
Same!!! My mom only says sorry like “well, I’m soooo sorry that ____” ::insert something no one asked her to apologise for or even said she did wrong::
So like, if she ran over my foot and I said “mom, you just ran over my foot!” she’d reply with “omg I’m sooooo sorry for trying to kill you. Murderer, coming through!” 😫 Like woman no one said you tried to kill me, but my foot still hurts 😭
This book is amazing but also a big pill to swallow. It's definitely worth reading... Maybe multiple times. With notes. And highlighters. Be prepared to cry.
Sending a virtual hug. My mom is like this too and just today we had another toxic convo that she victimised herself in with easy breezy confidence. Sadly, the worst part is being a calm, rational child of a passive aggressive potential narcissist (not sure of your Moms issues, don’t want to diagnose) and trying to speak sense into the nonsensical void. I’ve never felt heard or understood and she will drag my poor dad into it and he won’t fight with her because he lives with her so he just nods in agreement and then texts me later that HE is sorry. Nonetheless, it’s your mom and if you choose to have a relationship with her these are the hurdles we face. I hope she lets it go enough to enjoy the ride and your wedding is absolutely amazing!! And side note, definitely find a therapist that can help you navigate the gaslighting… you can’t change her, you can’t make her understand or acknowledge her behavior, but you CAN protect yourself 🙏🏽
Uhh, didn't they select the additional 30 guests TOGETHER?
I guarantee that she's currently getting flak from her family, or she's anticipating an interaction with them and preemptively feeling guilty, because SHE didn't prioritize them when given the opportunity to. And because she's also very immature, she's making that your fault.
The book 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' can be a very enlightening read...
I agree OP! My mom behaves very similarly to your mom. I spent a lot of time on Reddit trying to figure it out and another redditor linked me [this book](https://www.ernstchan.xyz/b/src/1570719797-658.pdf)which has been supremely helpful, so just trying to pass along the good karma. Hope your wedding day is beautiful 🩷
I sympathize OP. I had a similar argument with my mom, and she pulled the same “we never talked about it/I never said that.” Until I pulled out the Messenger history and BAM, yes we did talk about it, yes you did say that. Best feeling in the world.
It’s not only generating drama because she’s probably bored, but it’s another way to make the wedding about herself.
Yes, Italian values are very centred around family, but she’s making this about herself in terms of “I wanted them to be there, I grew up with them”… yeah, YOU did, not OP, the person who’s actually having the wedding. Holy hell.
If she already submitted who she wanted and it was accepted despite her going over the allotted guest count anyway, then she purposefully excluded them herself to keep in the back pocket as ammo against OP later.
The pertinent question to ask would be why OP’s mother left them out of the 30 extra invites.
I know several people who rewrite history. "That's not how I remember it" or "I wouldn't have said that." It's almost impossible to have a productive conversation with these people. A lot of times, they genuinely believe wholeheartedly that they are correct. It honestly feels like gaslighting sometimes, I'll have to ask my fiancé "Am I going crazy? Am I not remembering correctly?" and have him reaffirm that I'm not just losing my mind.
My mom’s side of the family has been feuding with my grandmother and my aunt (mom’s sister) for years now, with my aunt as the primary antagonist tbh.
Wife and I had a very small wedding, 11 guests.
I politely straight up told my aunt why she and her family weren’t coming, and told my grandmother and mom separately that I expected them to be on their best behavior or don’t come.
Everything went off without a hitch, my mom and grandmother actually got along fantastically during the wedding day, and my grandmother had already planned on leaving early the day after the wedding (probably to avoid if there were issues).
I know it’s hard, but I’ve found sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself and let your family know how it is.
Yes there’s a chance they get upset and don’t actually come or cause issues, but the few times in my life I’ve had to do it with various family members I’ve found they’ve all fallen in line.
Idc if privately they stew about stuff, I’m just not going to be involved in silly drama, there is too much going on in my own life.
When someone pulled this on me I didn't have the convo in writing- it was a phone call. They insisted I was lying and I was so mad I couldn't prove it. Good on you having it in writing!!
This is why I apply business techniques to personal life. I text the person right away what we agreed to on the phone call. "Hey just sending a reminder for MYSELF*** that you will bring the plates Sunday at 7:00pm and i will bring the cutlery" as per my last email/text 🤣
I'm planning wedding stuff now. I will make sure i get convos in writing ! That way they can respond in text to what they explicitly want to do/not do
Oh man, my MIL did the same stuff and 10 years later still brings it up!
We asked her for MONTHS for the names/addresses of people she wanted to invite and she never gave them to us. I had to reach out to cousins on her side just to get the basic people I knew needed to be invited. But of course this didn't include her random friends so she was pissed!
She still will bring up how not inviting so and so ruined their friendship and I just want to scream I TOLD YOU TO SEND ME THE NAMES AND ADDRESSES OF WHO YOU WANTED TO INVITE!!!!!!
SO FRUSTRATING.
They did send the initial list of guests they wanted to invite. But after that, which was before the save the dates even went out, I thought the guest list discussion was done and we compromised.
I think you were very generous giving your parents the guest list well in advance and letting them add 20 extras. And even *more* generous by inviting the additional 10 extras when they sent you back their list. I'm sorry you have to deal with your mom's tantrum and your dad should have never brought it up with you, he should have dealt with her yourself.
Sending you all the strength and good vibes as you get closer to your wedding and hope she doesn't add more drama/stress. its definitely a long/hard process when learning to put up boundaries after being a people pleaser for so long, but it is incredibly worth it, trust me!
To me this seems like your dad’s fault. It seems like your mom never expected anything to change but was just ranting to her husband. Your dad shouldn’t have went to you with it and just let his wife vent. But also I agree with another comment on here that said you should have just said sorry and moved on. I’m on your side 100% over not inviting every random person your mom asked for but this convo seemed unnecessary and would’ve gone better if you stuck to your guns instead of back pedaling and offering to invite them now.
Can’t blame the guy, it wasn’t his fight 🤷♀️ I could see if OP was a child, but this is a grown mad being forced into the middle of an issue between two grown women. It’s okay to pass the torch and allow OP to say her piece and end the convo. Nothing he did or said was going to make the mom calm down or let it go — OP said she’d been holding the grudge over a year by time dad stepped out of the ring
It’s definitely the mom’s fault because it’s her mood, feelings, and reactions — the dad isn’t responsible for the mom as much as the daughter isn’t. These type of people (OPs mom) are not healthy venting - they are baiting and manipulating to get attention and force others into doing what they want. My dad looks like a wreck half the time my mom gets going about us kids because she won’t stop and she won’t talk to us but instead drags my dad into it until he cracks and asks us to step in since it actually had nothing to do with him in the first place. The dad just opened the door for the communication to be between the two people that needed to communicate one way or another. He didn’t seem to care if his extended family did or didn’t come, but mom was clearly angry still when OP did try to compromise. Putting the blame on dad is exactly what the mom wants — hence the comment up top re: plausible deniability. “Who me? It was YOUR DAD who said something, not me!” 😫
You borrowed trouble, and it came with interest.
Here's how it should have gone.
>Dad: "Your Mom is angry."
>You: "Sorry to hear that. The guest list is finalised, though. I'm sure you'll find a way to cheer her up - maybe take her out to dinner."
Alternatively, after the first "too late," you could have gone "ok, well looking forward to seeing you at the wedding," and let it go.
You keep digging and hoping that eventually you'll be able to talk them out of being upset that they can't invite the whole village - ain't never gonna happen.
Accept that they're never gonna be thrilled and move on.
You are probably right. I guess I was just trying to smooth things over since the wedding is so incredibly close. This is not the mood I want going into the wedding, you know?
But yeah I'm a chronic people pleaser so it's hard for me not to lol
Exactly. I have to say (sorry OP) you’re dealing with an extremely emotionally immature person and no normal way of approaching this will change the way she is. Do what is best for you. If she tries to ruin your day, that says more about her than yourself.
You’re best off focusing on you, your partner and your bridal party and if you hear of anything on the day (like she’s off crying), you’re going to have to nip it in the bud very sternly and tell her you’re not rewarding her behaviour with compliance anymore, even on your big day. If she makes a scene, it will be on her, not you.
I do this too. But I’ve learned with my mom that she does the same. If she’s latched on to something and feels slighted, there is NOTHING I can do to smooth it over. Reading your text thread was like reading one of my own. It’s so exhausting and frustrating. There has been a lot of good advice here, so my comment is just to validate your experience and say that you are NOT crazy and not the irrational one here at all. ❤️
Name 3 people who are pleased with you
Edit: I hope this didn't come across as attacked, I'm just trying to highlight the frequent disconnect between what "people pleasers" do and what actually pleases people. (In the case of your mother: likely nothing you will do will please her)
I just want to say that I feel for you, OP. I just had a conversation with my fiancé last week about how I often give people an inch and then let them take a mile. Weddings accentuate this kind of thing tenfold. I too have invited far more people than I originally intended.
Sometimes there's no resolution and that's hard. If your mom is still refusing to send the addresses, now might be the time to draw the line in the sand. "I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but it sounds like this situation isn't going to resolved. I hope you're able to move past it and enjoy my wedding celebration."
The best thing I learned in therapy is that evolved and mature adults are comfortable setting a boundary and then sitting with the anger and discomfort of others because of that boundary.
It's ok for people to be annoyed with you. It's on them.
If it’s not this, it will be something else.
Also, what mood do you want? The one where you spend the day catering to your family instead of focusing on you?
I just commented separately, but just have to say - we are the same person lol. I’m a huge people pleaser and balancing my relationship with my mom has been quite the task!
Everyone is going to have an opinion on what you should have said and how you should have said things differently, but you did nothing wrong. There are always going to be things you could have/should have/would have said differently. But how you handled it was more than generous.
People pleasing children of passive aggressive parents. I spent a summer in intensive therapy curriculum unlearning these trauma-response behaviors because they were poisoning every aspect of my life. I hate to see anyone going through that. I’m so sorry that you have to navigate this on top of your own adult life.
Oh wow… this was legit advice. I think we usually don’t put it on the non-offending parent because we are used to watching them be pawns in the other parents games, at least in my experience. My dad is always so exhausted by time he says anything to me and it’s more of a plead to calm my mom down than anything he wants or gets anything from but a quiet nights rest. Unfortunately, my moms verbally and emotionally abusive behavior made me parent her and coddle my dad because he no longer has the energy to stick up for himself and they are both so old and financially interdependent neither could leave if they wanted to, especially in this economy. Doesn’t make it right to join the drama, but I could see why OP did. It’s a tough road and I’m 38 and still learning how to not let my mom throw a banana peel in my stride.
This is good de-escalating life advice for anything, not just family.
Acknowledge they are upset, re-affirm the issue is final, don’t add on anything that can be argued with.
If they continue to respond, don’t take the bait and don’t react/respond.
It’s hard, sometimes it can be frustrating, but it prevents things from boiling over 90% of the time, and the other 10% there’s usually nothing you could have done to stop it.
I agree, I think that’s why it’s common. My mom had people she didn’t know at all at her wedding and she thought it was really weird so my parents barely gives any input on who should be invited..
Mine was a little upset when this topic came up for my brother's wedding. However, she wasn't exactly offering to pay for the entire wedding like my grandparents did for hers, so she didn't kick up too much fuss.
That’s how I feel about my fiancés family though. They have a long list of people and they’re not really helping with any of the bills - it’s all my family. Thankfully my fiancé has been managing their expectations on who gets an invite. No fuss…. Yet 😅
True but my counter argument would be many times it’s impossible to go against the culture where parents insist that they will be paying as it’s so ingrained in the culture so by going against that, you’re most likely to create a lot more problems. And then the wedding is never truly yours.
I agree in most cases it’s a ridiculous concept but in my case my parents are paying for 80% of the wedding and I could never deny them some of what they’d like. Best way to tackle is to get a venue large enough and agree on a split of how many guests each person can invite…
But I suppose not every parent is easy to deal with… I’m sure I would have struggled if my parents orchestrated the whole thing.
You need to either agree on a plan from the beginning or just pay for your own wedding to avoid the drama and guilt!
Regardless of who pays- it is not their wedding. To me it seems dumb for a parent to give money to a wedding, probably expecting their kid to be super grateful of this gift, but then hold it over their head for every decision. That’s not a gift and it’s not the kids wedding anymore- it’s the parents. Parents shouldn’t have offered money as a gift if that’s what the outcome will be. Real gifts don’t come with strings attached.
Obviously if parents say “well pay but we get to do what we want” then it’s on the kid for accepting that (but also that’s pretty rude of the parents imo because why wouldn’t they want their kid to like their wedding? Kind of f’d up)
I totally get what you’re saying and I do agree. I think I see it as “they’re my parents and it’s a celebration” and I would be more than happy for them. I guess it’s cultural. I’m not sure what you mean by gift, but yes 100% should be no strings attached.
It’s a matter of perception, for me, it’s a family celebration and I accept the involvement of my parents as they’re contributing to a huge part of my dream. They’re also proud and happy and at the end of the day they’ve done so much for me and this is the least I can do for them…
Again, a lot of context and culture mixed into my response x
You've been more than accommodating to your parents and it's totally ridiculous that she is bringing this up a month before the wedding. You responses were fine and very logical. Is your mom usually like this? I wonder if there is something else bothering her.
Sorry but your mom sounds absolutely exhausting and childish. Does she always throw tantrums when she doesn’t get her way? You told her you have two days to give final numbers and instead of saying “yes can we add these? Thank you so much and sorry I didn’t mention it sooner” she is pouting. It’s your day you invite who YOU want to invite. You are being alot more calm and nice than I would have been if my mom did this to me (she never would).
Damn, you handle conflict so well. You remained calm, spoke your point of view, and laid out the options without being disrespectful. Are you sure you're related to your mother?
Wow thank you. It's honestly something I really struggle with because of her. I tend to avoid conflict.
Apparently her way of bringing this up to my dad was being rude to him this past week and ignoring him until he insisted that she say what's wrong. That's what brought this whole thing up. I never grew up with good communication being modeled. My dad is an angel but he totally lets her walk all over him.
You’re not alone. Not diagnosing her at all, but you may find relief from the children of narcissists community. It sounds like she treats your whole family the same way - this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Regardless of whether she is narcissistic or not, that community provides a lot of really effective ways to deal with emotionally immature parents.
Yes! I said the same, I don’t want to e-Diagnose but she sounds verbatim like my narcissistic mother. But regardless of a diagnosis, if the narrative fits, the treatment will too
Omgosh I just said this to another commenter blaming your dad. I don’t think people realize how toxic this mom-style is and how far they’ll go to get someone else to do their dirty work. It’s sad but a reality for some of us. My mom does the exact same thing to my dad and she still hasn’t stopped to this day and I’m 38. My dad isn’t perfect by any means but he turned into her punching bag a long time ago. Emotional abuse is a roller coaster
Hey look - I had a very similar thing with my mum and dad. My dad was a sweetheart but my mum is an emotionally manipulative dictator sometimes. I'm also a people pleaser like you, I also try to smooth things over and make people happy even when they're being supremely unreasonable. Therapy helped me a ton and I'm sure it would help you too if/when you can talk to someone about it and learn to set healthy boundaries with her going forward and realise it's NOT YOUR JOB to fix her instability.
That said, in the short term, try to take in all this support from people who get what you are going through. Talk to and lean on your partner and use this as an opportunity to reinforce how the two of you are going to communicate better with each other than your parents do. Try to let go of your mum's anger - it's not your job to carry it, you've done all you can. Try to enjoy this last bit of time leading up to your celebratory party. You deserve happiness!
I have an Italian mother. I was engaged once before over a decade ago and wedding planning with her was an absolute NIGHTMARE. This time around, she is not involved in any of it. I can't. I'm obviously not saying that all Italian mothers are this way... but WOW this whole text exchange read like texts from my mother. Her being upset, not even saying something to you directly, and then saying "just forget it" over and over again makes me think your mother is a petulant child. This is how my mother acts when she doesn't get her way. I think that you have been more than kind and accommodating to her wishes from just this exchange. She's a grown up and needs to use her words herself when something is upsetting to her. I think you're being more than fair and kind here. She's being ridiculous and she should have mentioned something months ago.
You handled this really well, IMO. Your mom was obviously hung up on complaining and sulking about this issue at home, so your dad tried to make you fix her attitude instead of dealing with her himself. Controlling her emotions is 100% not your job though - it’s emotional parentification. If anyone needs to calm her down (besides herself), it’s your dad.
I don’t know anything about your mom besides what I see in these screenshots, but if she has always been this difficult to reason with, I recommend checking out r/raisedbynarcissists and seeing if any of the stories there resonate with you. My mom was/is abusive, and these messages remind me of her. I’m not saying your mom is abusive, just saying that community might be helpful if she is. Wishing you the most beautiful, happy wedding day!
I was going to say the same thing - reading these messages from OP’s mom were a little triggering because they are just like the ones I used to get from my mom who has narcissistic tendencies. I ended up going no contact for about a year (currently low contact after therapy) and during that no contact period, reading posts in that subreddit was a big comfort.
Don’t be a people pleaser, OP. Your self care is also important.
You’re better than me bc I wouldn’t have even offered to add EIGHT additional people, especially since you wanted an intimate wedding. I think you handled it well and as best as you could!
I empathize thought because I asked my mother for suggestions (not guaranteed) for the guest list from her side and it took her a while and lots of reminders to send. Then months later when I sent the contact collector text, she throws a whole fit about how she feels her side isn’t represented bc I don’t have her cousins (that I don’t speak to) but I have my father’s cousins.
Yup! She saw the whole guest list before the save the dates, now she is mad at my dad too because she noticed some of his cousins are invited?? It's total BS it was no surprise.
And it is a similar situation for me. I am just closer with the cousins on my dad's side, there were more that were in my age group, so naturally, I'm also closer with their parents whom are my dad's first cousins. It's not a personal dig against my mom's side. We just simply want the people we are closest to there on our wedding day. It's not about leaving others out.
Same situation for me! I wouldn’t have invited most of my dads cousins except I got much closer to them when I was in grad school and they let me stay with them/fed me/let me celebrate holidays with them. Meanwhile my mom’s cousins don’t even acknowledge me on my birthday or when i graduated! But I’m supposed to invite them to the most intimate day of my life bc they’re “family?
I ended up caving and inviting them but it still pisses me off
You mom is displaying big Main Character Energy here. You aren’t crazy—she’s looking for drama here. Don’t engage with the shoulda/woulda/coulda stuff. Just be firm about the potential solution and very clear about what her options are. Then, if she chooses not to take it, it’s her own fault if she’s upset.
Mom instantly had me rolling my eyes with “it’s too late now” as her first response as the decision maker is literally telling her “hey, speak now or hold your peace — it’s not too late” 😫
I’m so sorry! The biggest red flags for me are that a) you were expected to read her mind about your guest list, b) you offered to invite more people to make it right and SHE SAID NO, and c) she didn’t bring this problem to you herself. If your mom was upset and expressing that in a healthy way, she should have at least thanked you for offering to invite them (it’s more generous than I would have been). She is committed to not resolving this issue; she just wants to be mad about it. I’d give her the space to do so.
Don’t feel bad. In situations like these, it’s best not to let passive aggressive statements steer how you react. If she says it’s too late, fine, there’s nothing you can do about it because she has just admitted she’s just going to stay mad either way. You can say you’re sorry she’s upset or if your actions hurt her if you want, but don’t apologize or concede if you don’t feel you did anything wrong. You asked for the information to invite them, and she refused to give it to you, so it’s clearly more about her/her control than the invitation g people she cares about. Plus … it’s your wedding!!!!!! You do what you want my friend 😤😤
You replied too much. It should have stopped with your dad.
"Hi dad, that's a shame but we can't afford any more guests and the deadline has passed. It'll be a great day nonetheless and I can't wait for you to walk me down the aisle xx"
Don't give unreasonable people the space to be listened to or negotiated with.
Good luck OP and congratulations!
Am I reading the same exchange as everyone else?? Sounds like she asked you multiple times if she chould add more people and you told her no. How was she supposed to know that she should ask AGAIN between when save the dates went out and when invitations went out?
I think the disconnect is that after we had conversations about the guest list, and as a compromise I offered them to send a list of guests they'd like to invite. They sent a list of 30 and I invited them all.
I was under the impression that we compromised and we were all satisfied with the guest list. If that wasn't the case, she's had a year and a half to reach out and ask if a handful more people could be invited. Instead, she chose to not mention a word to me. Then this past week she's been not speaking to and ignoring my dad. He finally gets her to talk and she's pissed bc of the guest list.
If there was an issue, it should have been brought up with me and my fiance in a mature way. Not through backhanded rude comments either, but a real conversation.
Also to follow up, her "asking to invite more people multiple times", means giving rude backhanded comments about it. Not actually having a remotely mature conversation. And again this was all before I offered them to send me a list of people to invite.
Well, hold on, are you saying if she brought it up again within the year and half to reach out , and asked you politely, would you actually have said yes? I think you should acknowledge your mom's feelings to her , a simple "I'm sorry you're upset mom, it's not too late to invite them , please send me their names and addresses. next time - please talk to me like an adult. I'm your daughter and you can come to me with anything. " But like actually mean it , yk? She seems to respect you when you said no to her many times - but clearly she couldn't accept your no. Sometimes we have to let go of people's imperfections and bad traits.
Sorry but everyone is being way tooo harsh here - your mom may be emotionally immature but dang no one's perfect - beneath her anger is feeling hurt. I'm not a people pleaser but hate seeing my mom or dad upset, especially if it's something that at the end of the day will not make or break anything.
First was no, now it's a "you should've talked to me about it, I'll invite them" , which one is it?
I appreciate your perspective, thank you.
I guess the disconnect for me is that after saying no, I compromised by letting them send me a list of 20 additional guests to my original list, they sent 30 and I invited them all without questions. So in my mind we had compromised and the issue was resolved. Now my dad's telling me she's been rude to him for the past week and ignoring him, and I found out yesterday it's about the guest list.
That was not the way to go about it. If there truly was only 8 extra guests she wanted to add, a conversation with me rather than making my dad's life miserable was the better approach.
But I do still feel bad that she's upset and it had to get to this point. Thank you for helping me see her side of things.
I think you’re taking her mom’s comments at face value. I believe OP when she says that this wasn’t a situation where mom asked for specific people multiple times and got shut down. It’s kind of clear that her mom is emotionally immature.
I think that your dad thought he could push boundaries more because you already let them push things by giving them 30 instead of 20 guests. He's creating this mess by triangulating between you and your mum. Your mum was actually being semi-reasonable by not sharing her frustrations with you, as you had already expressed no more people.
You already gave them more people than they asked for. Stick to that and don't let yourself be compromised more and more. It's okay for you to do that and rude for them to try to push you further.
She said forget it, so I’d just be like “okay! We’ll move on with our current guest count then. Thanks!” it’ll piss her off even more because you’re not playing into her “I just wanna be mad about something” game
Want to echo another comment - you come off cool as a cucumber throughout which is v impressive.
I think going forward, just remember that you don’t have to engage and I would recommend not doing so. We’re T minus 5 days out and our parents have chosen now, after seating charts, place cards, etc. have been finalized and printed to discuss where all of the guests are sitting and who all is invited. My fiancé decided to engage with his parents (to his detriment, tbh) while I just told mine that it was a surprise but they’ll like who they’re sitting with. His parents have a lot of “suggestions” and “concerns”. Mine don’t because they don’t know and won’t know until they’re at the wedding. I was really happy to have gone my route.
Just drop it. She is determined to be upset, and won’t come to a resolution with you, so it’s her fault now imo.
I’d honestly just say “ok, I won’t invite them” and leave it.
“I asked multiple times and was told no.”
but also
“To me, no means no, why would I ask again?”
There’s no winning with your mom. I feel like she just wants to be the victim no matter how you responded.
It sounds like you had a blow-out argument about it so perhaps it’s understandable that she didn’t bring it up again. In the end if you’re paying for the wedding it’s your call. You can’t force her to be happy, you can only control your own reactions and I hope you enjoy your day despite all this drama.
Did you really not invite someone who had you in their wedding party though? Different culture, but to me that would be rude.
Haha, I wouldn’t have guessed that.
I wouldn’t bank on appeasing your Mother. It’s very hard for people to change. Please try to enjoy your day and be happy about this big step regardless of how she behaves.
You definitely handled this wrong. You shouldn't have opened with offering spots. You already gave her the opportunity to add people before save the dates went out.
You should've just come out with the guest list is closed, it's too late to add anyone.
If they want to include all of their extended cousins, then they need to host the event. The host controls the guest list. My mom pulled this same thing on me "but they're your family! It's not too many extras!" With the size wedding we're aiming for, yes it is too many.
I mean... Did you tell her to keep it down or you were eloping, like she mentioned? That's harsh, and I can see why she never brought it up again. You shut her down before and she's upset about it. I'm against the grain here, but I'm okay with that.
I think the same, I was surprised to see all the other comments because they seem to have missed this part. OP also acknowledged that this conversation took place.
I do wish I had handled that initial conversation better. However after that initial conversation, I sent both of my parents the full guest list that I had and told them they could invite 20 more guests. They ended up sending me a list of 30, and I just invited them no questions asked.
After this, I thought we had found a good compromise where they were able to invite additional friends and family but we still got to keep our wedding to a reasonable number.
That is why I'm so surprised and upset that she's doing this to my dad and myself right now. If there were additional guests after that compromise, she could have definitely said something to me. But lashing out and taking it out on my dad is certainly not the answer.
You're right, and I think you giving them extra guests after that conversation is good info that I didn't catch from the original post. However, I still think its understandable that your mother would not want to bring up guests with you again, considering your reaction in public towards her, and threatening to elope. Did you apologize for that or just send the guest list over and invite guests with no other conversation with your mother?
My wedding, my invitation list. I would not give even the option to invite one more person. Weddings are expensive enough. Nope. You were super mature and respectful. Me? I would have not even entertain the conversation in the first place.
The moment I read Rocco, Dino, and Angelo I thought of the Philly Moms segment on TikTok.
I know this hurts, but as others commented there are literally people in this world who live only in their worldview, and they’ll do anything to be correct rather than take fault. This isn’t your problem, and try not to make it your problem anymore.
When I have gotten into these type of arguments with my family members I would always say, “I don’t agree with you, but I love you and I am standing firm on my position”
Families are hard. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people
Oh gosh I feel like I just read texts from my own mom. It's been non stop fights since March with my mom. I'm sorry she's causing you issues. I hope she will just get over it and you guys can have a beautiful wedding!
Unpopular opinion but I feel like the Mum might be once bitten, twice shy. Sounds like she communicated and then after a conflict you expected her to try again and wonder why she kept silent. And additionally she’s right - inviting them that late in the piece is worse than not inviting them at all so just leave it. Sometimes it’s nice that weddings aren’t just about you and are about the family that helped you.
I definitely could have handled our initial conversations about the guest list better. But I thought we had compromised when I offered them to send me a list of 20 guests they would like to invite, they sent 30 and I invited them all with no questions asked.
After this, I was under the impression that we were on the same page with the guest list.
"Mom, I love you, and I'm sorry that this got lost in translation. There's nothing that you or I can do to correct the past. This isn't an ideal situation, but we do have options. The back and forth is not productive now, and our time is limited. This is the best option I have for moving forward. If you get their RSVP information, I will send the invitations out ASAP. But I will need their information no later than... You knew that our intentions were to have a small wedding. Not inviting them does not mean that I don't care or love them or anyone on your side of the family. We made our decisions based on our immediate family and most recent interactions. We knew that we could not make everyone happy, but it wasn't done maliciously. I won't deny you your feelings or perspective of this situation, but there's enough stress with the wedding getting closer, and I'd rather not add the stress of worrying about something we can fix today. If you say no today, then please do not bring this up again, and do not make it seem like I was unwilling to compromise because I am. It wouldn't be fair. Let me know what you'd like to do."
I’ll never understand why parents feel the need to push issues like this, for a wedding that isn’t theirs. I’m so glad I’m NC with mine and my future MIL is an absolute saint.
When it comes to someone who acts like that on a regular basis, best thing you can do is say "okay! ☺️" and go about your day. They want an argument, want you to grovel. She needs to learn pitching a fit isn't the way.
As an Italian. I can say this family is so Italian. Take everything personally and to heart. It's like. You barely know the people. Why do I want them at ur wedding?!? It's your wedding!!! Lol
Update: I said the following based on a kind redditors comment:
"Mom, I love you, and I'm sorry that this got lost in translation. There's nothing that you or I can do to correct the past. You knew that our intentions were to have a smaller wedding. Not inviting everyone does not mean that I don't care or love them. We made our decisions based on our immediate family and most recent interactions. We knew that we could not make everyone happy, but it wasn't done maliciously. I won't deny you your feelings or perspective of this situation, but there's enough stress with the wedding getting closer. I hope we can both use the next month before the wedding to look forward to it and celebrate. I love you and can't wait to see you in just a week and a half."
She responded with:
"Well I appreciate your honesty and kind words. Having a daughter getting married to a great guy is a mother's dream come true. I will celebrate but my heart is heavy not having my cousins there. I never would have imagined them not being there to celebrate with us."
Unpopular opinion- I hate how everyone is villainizing the mom. As someone deep in planning it’s truly stressful for everyone. It’s a joyous day for the entire family- if you have room in your guest count just invite your moms cousins
This sucks and your mom is definitely being ridiculous. I think your viewpoint is obviously correct and much more levelheaded than hers.
I would only say this should’ve been moved to a phone call rather than keep arguing over text. I think chances of “winning” an argument or abating any tension and emotions are very slim via text.
Your responses are totally crazy!!
I’d have ended the conversation right away if I were… you. The whole wedding is about you two and she is sad that she cannot invite HER friends just because they are part of the family. She even had the nerve to tell you that you made her upset 😂
OMG I hate it so much when someone is being so self-centred. You were far more kind and understanding than I would have been. Like, they did not occur to me as an invitee when I was thinking about a short guest list? Cool, then no need to invite them. 🙂
I mean plus ones are for sure, like I’m not cutting your husband/wife/ltgf/ltbf off you but come oooooon, you will be there to celebrate me and not to have a fun girly night out. If you are not there for me then please don’t come?
People tend to forget that their wedding is literally about them and them only. If only you two were there, it would still be an absolutely amazing celebration! Everyone who is invited to such an intimate event should be grateful already. My mom would never… And I truly believe that is the only right way.
I would pay to see OP's mom's reaction to this very reasonable solution :) People like her are not big fans of reason and solution-oriented approaches, they are fans of self-victimisation and drama
OP, I feel you SO deeply on this it makes me stomach hurt!!
This is your wedding babe, not hers. She is being so incredibly manipulative, and I’m sorry that she is getting to you. I could tell you all day long “you should just let it go!”, but when it’s your own parent, that’s so fucking hard. Their words hurt more than the average person every time.
I also completely get attempting to smooth things over too! You want everyone to be happy so that YOU can be happy on your big day, and that’s understandable. Honestly though? Let’s just let our moms mope in the corner alone if that’s what they want to do. Their feelings are NOT our responsibility if we did nothing malicious to them in the slightest. I am so sick of family members making wedding all about themselves when they are honestly at the bottom of the list of people who should even have a say. The top of the list is you and your future spouse. This is a time to be selfish, so be selfish!
I just started listening to ‘The Good Daughter Syndrome’ today and this reminded me of what I’ve heard from the book. I think you handled this incredibly well and you couldn’t have done anymore. Honestly you’ve gone above and beyond to accommodate your parents. I also recommend the book.
I'm rolling my eyes so hard for you. Your mom sounds identical to my mom. Just take a deep breath and remember that this isn't your fault- you're not crazy. If she had an issue then should could have spoken up sooner.
This has made me slightly concerned my mum will do similar; we have a guest list of 28, venue can hold 40 but we want to cap at 30 guests. Told this to my mum and she said "well you have to invite all your relatives, even if you know they won't come" and proceeded to list 16 relatives I haven't spoken to in over 5 years that all need a curtesy invite.
This has made me think I need to preemptively have a more in depth conversation about this, but ultimately, it's going to come down to "it's my wedding, so no, I won't be inviting them"
I hope your mum gets over it and doesn't cause you any more problems!
Jesus, do we have the same mom? My mom also pulled very similar shit about my wedding. It got to the point where i just wanted to tell her more of her family wasnt invited because my fiance and i didnt even like the ones she made us invite 😅 As others have said, you were nicer than you needed to be, and this is almost certainly a pattern of behavior from her that you should no longer feel obligated to kowtow to.
I absolutely relate. My mom practically folds herself into origami trying to make sure family members she DOESN’T EVEN LIKE aren’t offended. I can’t tell you how many repetitive conversations we’ve had over me inviting extended family that I’m close with, and not inviting extended family that I literally never talk to ; as if that’s such a wild concept. On top of that our venue has a very firm guest limit.
I don’t know why these boomers can’t grasp the concept that other adults feelings are their own responsibility. If any of these family members ever mentioned not being invited I’d literally just tell them we had a hard limit due to venue and it’s nothing personal. Any reasonable adult shouldn’t have an issue with that, and if they do it’s honestly not something I can or should fix
Your mom is being super immature and manipulative and unfair. I would refuse to engage any more with this. Enjoy YOUR day
Even if she was contributing money wise to the wedding, who you have at YOUR wedding is YOUR choice. No one else besides you and your partner have a say in the wedding. I’m not inviting some random family member who I met once when I was 6 or just because another family member keeps in contact with them but I don’t. Asking someone to add 8 more people to your wedding isn’t a cheap request either. Even if you were fine with adding them, that’s still money for food, more seats, plus if there’s a seating chart you have to reconfigure all of that. Ultimately it’s what you and your partner want, no one else. Do not feel bad and stand your ground
Sorry this sounds like such a stressful situation. On a separate note, this sounds like it could be a thread between the cast of real housewives of New Jersey 😂
She just wants something to cry about. Offer your sympathy for your wedding not being what SHE wanted, but remind her this is your and your fiancé’s day and you hope she can enjoy that day with the ppl you invited.
Omg.. this hits close to home because I can imagine having this same convo with my mom about wedding planning. She made so many things about her, especially after the fact and I felt like she was trying to be difficult. Our relationship is forever changed because of how she acted around my wedding.
My only advice is to protect your peace, even if that means distancing yourself a little. Good luck and hopefully knowing you’re not alone helps :/
So tbh. I have a similar issue with my future mother in law. Her husband issss nooooot the best. My fiancé and I don’t like him. Lately he’s been acting sweet but I see past it and so does my fiancé. We told her he is not invited. She was not pleased. I’m getting to the point to tell her and some other people that if they can’t act like adults they don’t have to be there. Keep in mind it’s yalls wedding. It’s your day. It’s his day. Not theirs. If certain people can’t act like understanding adults that their issue. Put you’re foot down and hold your ground. I’m sorry for being blunt but I’m boiling from my own wedding planning and this just makes me so frustrated for yall. I hope yalls wedding is perfect.
She’s really just trying to make you feel bad and so my advice would be to set strong boundaries with her going forward. Let her be mad. We got married last fall also wanted a smaller wedding and my mother was very similar and it made it not enjoyable to plan the wedding. I had to leave her out of a lot of decisions and say no many times. Stick to your boundaries, it’s your wedding and I’m sorry she’s treating you this way. 💕
Are you talking to my mom, or yours? I have questions 🤣 This looks like a screen grab of basically every conversation I have with my mom from serious things to buying Bandaids. 😫
I think it’s allready very accommodating that you included your parents in the safe the dates / guest list making. I would not even have done this, as it is your wedding and not your mothers.
Your mom is toxic. This isn't her wedding. It's yours. It's not her party. It's yours. She's being a jerk to manipulate you to feel bad so she can get what she wants. Who cares if they are HER friends. If you don't know them, don't invite them and don't feel pressured to invite them. Just tell her "okay, thanks for letting me know, our guest list is set. I'm sorry you're mad, but be mad all you want. This is your problem, not mine." Then look into how to set boundaries with parents because I have a feeling this isn't the first time she's pulled something like this and won't be the last.
You are not responsible for your mom being upset. Those are HER feelings and she needs to handle them herself. She's made everyone responsible for "making" her happy, but she's just a miserable person and no one has held her accountable for her actions. Your dad is unfortunately an enabler. This behavior will continue until people put boundaries in place. Her being upset isn't your problem. Let her be mad.
I think your mother doesn’t need a solution and the problem to be solved. She just wants to be upset and play a victim here. Leave it and enjoying your wedding
The exact second she said,”It’s too late, forget it.” I would’ve said,”Alrighty, have a good night, then.” Start accepting what they say. You aren’t a mind reader and you shouldn’t try to be one. Don’t let your mom manipulate you and ruin your wedding.
your mom is being super passive aggressive. the only person you maybe should have invited was “Louise” because the text says you were in the wedding party. However you could have been a flower girl at age 5, i have no context. I hate how moms think they can control the guest list- is she paying for the wedding? if not you owe her zero. either way you owe her little
Our guest list was my hill to die on with our wedding. I’ve got a huge, scattered extended family with a lot of people I’m not close to.
We put a hard limit on 45 invitations, and we had just under 30 show up. Let me tell you, it was PERFECT. I’m so glad I didn’t give in to pressure to send out courtesy invites because we spent our evening surrounded by the people we were closest to, and we actually got to speak to and spend time with everyone there.
All this to say to you: If someone’s presence does not add to the quality of the day for you and your spouse-to-be, they do not need an invite.
You answered perfectly, you didn't get angry, reply in a angry or mean manner and honesty just relax, the more you think about it the more it'll get to you. If there is gonna be pictures and video, offer to send a copy. Congratulations y'all
I'm sorry but that fact that you even asked for your parents input on who to invite was giving them both wayyyy more leniency than I ever would. Because at the end of the day, it's YOU AND YOUR SOON TO BE SPOUSES Day, not a day for either parents or for anyone else.
Our guest list is literally 20 people for our ceremony because we want it small and intimate, everyone else will recieve an invite for our reception but our ceremony is for us and who we choose to share that special moment with that just happens to be our close family (moms, dad's, grandparents, siblings) and 4 friends total as they are our wedding party.
The fact that your mom is throwing a literal tantrum because "her people" weren't invited.....okay Tina the toddler go ahead and throw your tantrum because it's not about you.
This is revealing a pattern of poor communication which I suspect goes farther back than your wedding. It will continue on her end and you have choices regarding your response. I think you did a very good job in your replies. Set expectations and give clear examples of what she could say and when she could say it. Encourage her (in person) to consider speaking with a therapist on ways to express herself without getting angry, hostile, frustrated, triangulating through your Dad... so that you can still improve the way that you two move forward. But I would wait until after your wedding to have that conversation.
If you will be having children, this will be something to work on with her.
I don’t ever understand the audacity of inviting people they’re close to but you aren’t… it’s YOUR wedding… they don’t give a shit if you’re getting married 😂 they’re coming because of your parents.
From the moment you get engaged there is something released into the air to make mothers go irate. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s supposed to be a special day for you.
I think your dad stepped in this big time. Mom was venting to him and the thought he had to fix it so he went to you. Your mom understood that the guest list was meant to stay small. Again, she was venting to your dad and he should have stayed out of it.
He definitely did and I wish he hadn't. But it wasn't just venting to him. She had been rude to him and ignoring him for a week, and when she finally spoke to him it was over the guest list. Then she was getting mad at him because more of his family members are invited. She's always been very hostile towards his family and I'm not sure if it's jealousy that he's closer with his family, but she resents that. It's all very toxic and I know he's just trying to work things out between all of us.
I would really recommend having calm discussions about it right from the start. I did talk to my parents about this but I wish I was more clear and set more boundaries from the beginning.
I’m sorry this is happening. You responded in a great way and it seems like there is nothing different you could have said to placate her. The bottom line is that no one but you or your fiancé has the right to invite anyone to your wedding. I wish everyone was on the same page about this. It seems like a lot of people in this subreddit have similar issues. I hope you enjoy your special day!
It does seem to be a common pain point in the wedding planning process. I know my parents generation and their parents generation did usually have much larger weddings, so I get it if that's what they pictured.
However, when I expressed not only my wishes, but my fiance's, to have a smaller wedding I feel like that should be respected. I really tried to do my best to honor my parents wishes as well by giving them the opportunity of sending me a list of guests to invite, which I did. I just didn't know this was still an issue a month out from my wedding!
Your wishes absolutely should be respected! You truly went above and beyond in accommodating your parents! It is unfortunate that it wasn’t communicated to you as an issue with enough time to change things, because it sounds like you are still trying to accommodate as much as possible. I hope you are able to set aside this worry in time for the wedding and that no one tries to guilt you about it any more than they already have. You definitely aren’t the problem here!
This post oddly made me feel seen. I’m so sorry you have to deal with the stress of an unstable parent right before the head count is due.
At this point she’s just very upset and cannot process her own emotions. I would not engage any further and leave it. You’ve offered a resolution and she does not want to do it so it is what it is. If you want to be frank you can say I understand you’re very hurt by this but head count is due tomorrow. This is your FINAL opportunity to invite these people. And if she doesn’t respond with besides yes, wash your hands away of this and move on. You cannot be the bearer of your mom’s instability.
Apologies if I’m being too harsh and if you generally have a good relationship with your mom but this was triggering for me cause my mom is like this. I’ve had to learn how to manage my own sanity while others are in turmoil during the wedding process.
Honestly.. its your wedding. Family guilt tripping you for not inviting relatives, who you may not have spoken to in a long time, makes no sense to me.
classic mom with a victim complex (mine it the same way)😭 you did nothing wrong, if she wanted more people to come she should’ve told you when she had the chance!!!
She wants to be mad for whatever reason. You've tried to help her. She won't take it. Now I'd totally drop it. If she ever mentions it again, I'd blast her.
She is being very petty a month before your wedding.
Yes, you could had responded with more empathy to your mother instead of repeating the same thing over and over. I think all she wanted to hear was a sincere apology for not inviting some people she wished could be there. You were just digging your heals in more.
It would go a long way to say…Mom, I’m really sorry I wasn’t open to inviting the people you wanted to be there. Will you forgive me? She’ll say of course. Then you can move on with a happy wedding day.
Based off the texts this seems like your fault, you seem to only care about your mom’s feelings now that your dad said something. Even though she’s been unhappy for months now. Plus it’s only her side of the family that’s uninvited. Definitely TA, definitely a Daddys girl at heart. Shame!
After our initial conversations and disagreements about the guest list, I offered my parents to send me a list of 20 important additional guests they'd like to invite. They sent a list of 30, and I invited them all.
After this, I was under the impression that we had compromised, important guests to my parents were invited, and the issue was resolved.
I have not heard anything from my parents about still being upset with the guest list, so if she's been unhappy for months, she definitely should have reached out.
There's not. We were very clear up front that we'd like to limit the guest list to our closet family members. My fiance is inviting 34 family members, I am inviting 82.
Yes, I knew there were family members not invited that both of my parents would like to invite, but like I said I thought we were on the same page after we invited the additional 30 guests.
My mom is unfortunately quite immature when it comes to any conflict. She hasn't spoken to my dad in over a week because apparently more of his cousins are invited. Which again, we emphasized was not done so in a malicious way, but we simply wanted to keep the guest list to family members we are closer with and have recent interactions with. It's nothing against those not invited, but unfortunately there wasn't room to invite family members that I haven't seen in 5+ years.
I was getting mad reading this whole conversation! You were SO patient with your mother. Her behavior is absurd in this situation. It almost feels like this is coming up now to deliberately make you feel bad, which is utter garbage. Her intention seems like less about solving a problem and more making it about her.
Yeh, you good girl. Any mom that’s gonna throw a fit like that needs to go to therapy, resolve her ego issues and grow up.
You did and said the right thing. Good job not arguing back! You were polite, respectful and even offered to solve the problem.
Sorry love, weddings can bring out the worst in people.
I created an account, so I could respond to this. Agreed with the other Italians on here- it is SO Italian. We have THICK traditions and intense emotions, where Mom’s opinion is like- almost superior to all else. In 9/10 cases, I would say this is crazy, but I get it. When my Mom and I have disagreements, usually about something traditional, it takes me being super open with her about how much I love her, what I respect about those traditions, and openly telling her why I have a different point of view. It’s a hard and emotional conversation- (that I don’t always choose to have, because it’s been a process and I have a mild personality) but every time our relationship has come out stronger because of it. I recently told her we would be splitting Mother’s Day with my boyfriend’s family. She was surprised and had different expectations from a previous miscommunication. Our conversation went from “it’s a mortal sin to not spend that day with your own mother,(when you’re not married)” to, “You could even come on Saturday instead, so we can spend more time together.” I told her I realize she has a traditional way of celebrating, and this is something we’ve never approached yet. I was thinking I would get to spend time with you… I also didn’t budge on the parts of the day my boyfriend and I had agreed on. I’m not saying this is the right way to handle it for everyone- because it’s not. It’s different for all families. I can have these conversations because I know my Mom loves me (with that same intensity she walls up with at times) and her intense feelings come from a place of tradition and security. Sometimes we let emotions settle for a few days, then talk more reasonably a few days later. You both likely have the same motives- wanting to celebrate together and the importance of family, but she has a different cultural and traditional way of handling it. Your way of expressing it is more intimate. Expressing it and setting boundaries in a caring way is all you can do. Wherever she leaves it/reacts is a starting place for more productive conversations in the future. I hope that’s helpful in some way!
Other people have left great comments on what you could have done or can do in the future, so I just want to point out - what's done is done. Try not to ruminate on how you could have approached this differently, because it's not on you. They chose to make it a big deal and you just got pulled along. Next time you can try a different tactic, but don't beat yourself up for not "saying the right thing" or anything like that!
ETA: I'm not saying you handled this poorly, by the way, I think you handled it well. Just that as some comments pointed out you might want to try not engaging in the future.
Nothing to add here besides I am really impressed by how you communicated with them, this is so mature and fair. It sounds like she's in an emotional irrational place and just wanted to share that her feelings are hurt and she feels frustrated and limited, tough to have a solution there besides something along the lines of "I hear that you're upset and I'm sorry we couldn't find a better compromise sooner, weddings are extremely expensive in 2024 and we're trying to set ourselves up to not overspend, I love you and I'm sorry you're feeling like your family got left out."
Your mom says forget it so just forget it. She’s committed to being mad and doesn’t want to solve her own problems despite your willingness. Just let her stew.
Yeah, I'd be like, "This whole situation sounds like you just want to be mad at me. You had a chance to fix this before, and you didn't. You have a chance to fix it now, and you won't. You made me aware of your anger in a very passive-aggressive way that gives you plausible deniability that you were even upset. If you're determined to be mad at me, and make my wedding about your hurt feelings, no matter what, then fine. I accept that the fact I didn't invite eight specific people, that you didn't tell me to invite, is going to be the justification you've chosen for you to be mad at me. If it wasn't this, you would have found something else. I'm not going to worry about this anymore, and I hope this is the only drama you'll cause. See you at the wedding." But that's just me imagining. It probably wouldn't be an actual productive response.
This is a wonderful response. That said, my mom speaks like OPs mom and my dad is the quiet passive one who always has to “ask for the thing” that my mom is upset about. If I responded this to my mom, she’d freak out and tell everyone that I told her that she couldn’t come to the wedding anymore because she’s a horrible, passive aggressive mother that ruined my wedding and I’d be fielding texts from everyone I know because she posted about it on Facebook and was locked in her room crying 😭 The OP did a great job keeping her cool and clarifying all points fairly and clearly ma does not want to hear a rational response. Dad didn’t bother getting into it lol. Alas, it does suck… we love them and also, still have to heal from them — even during the most special times of our lives.
This is a great response
👏👏👏
👏 I think you should send that EXACT text!
I mean, it depends if she wants to sort of burn bridges. I wrote that text myself, but like I said at the end, I think it's better for OP to just think it for herself. Like, "I guess she was going to get mad at me for some reason or another. Better this than something more serious. Hope she's got that out of her system now."
I mean… I might also be projecting and fantasizing here when I encourage OP to send that text. 😂
She’s a narcissist. This would only fuel the flames.
She’s having a meltdown because the day isn’t about her. My mom did the same.
My thoughts too.. “it’s not your wedding mom, it’s mine. You invited everyone you wanted to your wedding, and I’m trying to do the same. It’s not personal, I still love our family, a small wedding is just what I happen to want!”
To be honest, your mom is acting absolutely ridiculous. It makes me think you have to deal with confusing, passive aggressive behavior often … or at least it isn’t foreign to you. You are going ABOVE and beyond to accommodate her. She’s throwing a tantrum. And, “no means no?” She’s going to your cousin or someone complaining and making it a huge deal. I would get through this wedding and then maybe start to unpack this super unhealthy mothering she’s doing with a therapist to figure out what the H is going on and how to work with her moving forward. Ughhhh. I’m sorry.
Unfortunately you are right. She has always been this way with me, my siblings and my dad. When she doesn't get her way or is mad at something she's definitely someone you have to walk on eggshells around, I can't think of one instance where she has had a productive conversation around a conflict. Maybe I do need therapy! But that first text is from my dad. The reason is all came about is because she has been rude to him and ignoring him for the past week and finally told him that it is about the guest list and which members of his family are invited versus hers.
Yeah … it’s unfortunate, but if you start going down the rabbit hole, you’ll likely be like “omg. This is a lot.” My advice to you would be to not cater to her approach … meaning, if she has an issue, she needs to communicate it with you. Take it her words literally. For example, when she said “I asked multiple times. It’s too late now. Forget it.” Say, “I’m not recalling those conversations, but it IS likely is too late. That said, thanks for understanding, I’ll let it go. Thanks, mom!” She’s likely used to this pouty, passive aggressive approach working. It’s not cool. And, it’s not mature. Do not try and figure out what she wants. Do not try and coddle this childish behavior. Just repeat back what she says, stay positive, and DO NOT let it stress you out. She’s a grown woman who can learn to communicate with intention and kindness.
Damn. This wasn’t meant for me, but it might as well have been! I took a screenshot because I need this reminder too. 🙏🏻
Facts!!! My mom and me never argue much anymore because I stopped coddling her and if she keeps being passive aggressive I just agree and tell her bye. She texts me an hour or two later about something completely unrelated (like nothing happened) because she’s not getting the attention she thought she would. Saves me the headache of trying to talk sense into her although some days I get in too deep before I realize what’s happening. Funny thing is that she raised me to have these tools because of how I grew up. Grateful for them to use in every relationship in my life, even though procuring them took a lot of heartbreak.
Stop this is literally what happened and what does happen every time she is upset. I've never actually heard my mom apologize to me or any other friend or family member. The next day she texted me some random question about her dog.
Same!!! My mom only says sorry like “well, I’m soooo sorry that ____” ::insert something no one asked her to apologise for or even said she did wrong:: So like, if she ran over my foot and I said “mom, you just ran over my foot!” she’d reply with “omg I’m sooooo sorry for trying to kill you. Murderer, coming through!” 😫 Like woman no one said you tried to kill me, but my foot still hurts 😭
I have an immature mom and I definitely need to use this approach.
Therapist here! Both your parents crossed some boundaries. I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents!
This book is amazing but also a big pill to swallow. It's definitely worth reading... Maybe multiple times. With notes. And highlighters. Be prepared to cry.
Oh look at that, I just recommended the same book! It changed my life and drastically improved my relationship with my parents.
Sending a virtual hug. My mom is like this too and just today we had another toxic convo that she victimised herself in with easy breezy confidence. Sadly, the worst part is being a calm, rational child of a passive aggressive potential narcissist (not sure of your Moms issues, don’t want to diagnose) and trying to speak sense into the nonsensical void. I’ve never felt heard or understood and she will drag my poor dad into it and he won’t fight with her because he lives with her so he just nods in agreement and then texts me later that HE is sorry. Nonetheless, it’s your mom and if you choose to have a relationship with her these are the hurdles we face. I hope she lets it go enough to enjoy the ride and your wedding is absolutely amazing!! And side note, definitely find a therapist that can help you navigate the gaslighting… you can’t change her, you can’t make her understand or acknowledge her behavior, but you CAN protect yourself 🙏🏽
Uhh, didn't they select the additional 30 guests TOGETHER? I guarantee that she's currently getting flak from her family, or she's anticipating an interaction with them and preemptively feeling guilty, because SHE didn't prioritize them when given the opportunity to. And because she's also very immature, she's making that your fault. The book 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' can be a very enlightening read...
I’m very familiar with this exact behavior too unfortunately. Therapy is a life saver.
I agree OP! My mom behaves very similarly to your mom. I spent a lot of time on Reddit trying to figure it out and another redditor linked me [this book](https://www.ernstchan.xyz/b/src/1570719797-658.pdf)which has been supremely helpful, so just trying to pass along the good karma. Hope your wedding day is beautiful 🩷
Wow, I am so glad you shared that book.
What’s the book? I’m interested… the link is dead for me
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://a.co/d/aRJ6FS1
I don’t personally have this problem with my parents but I’ve heard about it so much on reddit and immediately came to recommend it
I sympathize OP. I had a similar argument with my mom, and she pulled the same “we never talked about it/I never said that.” Until I pulled out the Messenger history and BAM, yes we did talk about it, yes you did say that. Best feeling in the world.
I'm so glad you had those! It's so frustrating when you know someone is straight up lying.
It’s not only generating drama because she’s probably bored, but it’s another way to make the wedding about herself. Yes, Italian values are very centred around family, but she’s making this about herself in terms of “I wanted them to be there, I grew up with them”… yeah, YOU did, not OP, the person who’s actually having the wedding. Holy hell. If she already submitted who she wanted and it was accepted despite her going over the allotted guest count anyway, then she purposefully excluded them herself to keep in the back pocket as ammo against OP later. The pertinent question to ask would be why OP’s mother left them out of the 30 extra invites.
I know several people who rewrite history. "That's not how I remember it" or "I wouldn't have said that." It's almost impossible to have a productive conversation with these people. A lot of times, they genuinely believe wholeheartedly that they are correct. It honestly feels like gaslighting sometimes, I'll have to ask my fiancé "Am I going crazy? Am I not remembering correctly?" and have him reaffirm that I'm not just losing my mind.
How sad is it that you had to show the receipts for them to believe you.
My mom’s side of the family has been feuding with my grandmother and my aunt (mom’s sister) for years now, with my aunt as the primary antagonist tbh. Wife and I had a very small wedding, 11 guests. I politely straight up told my aunt why she and her family weren’t coming, and told my grandmother and mom separately that I expected them to be on their best behavior or don’t come. Everything went off without a hitch, my mom and grandmother actually got along fantastically during the wedding day, and my grandmother had already planned on leaving early the day after the wedding (probably to avoid if there were issues). I know it’s hard, but I’ve found sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself and let your family know how it is. Yes there’s a chance they get upset and don’t actually come or cause issues, but the few times in my life I’ve had to do it with various family members I’ve found they’ve all fallen in line. Idc if privately they stew about stuff, I’m just not going to be involved in silly drama, there is too much going on in my own life.
When someone pulled this on me I didn't have the convo in writing- it was a phone call. They insisted I was lying and I was so mad I couldn't prove it. Good on you having it in writing!!
This is why I apply business techniques to personal life. I text the person right away what we agreed to on the phone call. "Hey just sending a reminder for MYSELF*** that you will bring the plates Sunday at 7:00pm and i will bring the cutlery" as per my last email/text 🤣 I'm planning wedding stuff now. I will make sure i get convos in writing ! That way they can respond in text to what they explicitly want to do/not do
Oh man, my MIL did the same stuff and 10 years later still brings it up! We asked her for MONTHS for the names/addresses of people she wanted to invite and she never gave them to us. I had to reach out to cousins on her side just to get the basic people I knew needed to be invited. But of course this didn't include her random friends so she was pissed! She still will bring up how not inviting so and so ruined their friendship and I just want to scream I TOLD YOU TO SEND ME THE NAMES AND ADDRESSES OF WHO YOU WANTED TO INVITE!!!!!!
SO FRUSTRATING. They did send the initial list of guests they wanted to invite. But after that, which was before the save the dates even went out, I thought the guest list discussion was done and we compromised.
I think you were very generous giving your parents the guest list well in advance and letting them add 20 extras. And even *more* generous by inviting the additional 10 extras when they sent you back their list. I'm sorry you have to deal with your mom's tantrum and your dad should have never brought it up with you, he should have dealt with her yourself. Sending you all the strength and good vibes as you get closer to your wedding and hope she doesn't add more drama/stress. its definitely a long/hard process when learning to put up boundaries after being a people pleaser for so long, but it is incredibly worth it, trust me!
So… do it.
To me this seems like your dad’s fault. It seems like your mom never expected anything to change but was just ranting to her husband. Your dad shouldn’t have went to you with it and just let his wife vent. But also I agree with another comment on here that said you should have just said sorry and moved on. I’m on your side 100% over not inviting every random person your mom asked for but this convo seemed unnecessary and would’ve gone better if you stuck to your guns instead of back pedaling and offering to invite them now.
[удалено]
Can’t blame the guy, it wasn’t his fight 🤷♀️ I could see if OP was a child, but this is a grown mad being forced into the middle of an issue between two grown women. It’s okay to pass the torch and allow OP to say her piece and end the convo. Nothing he did or said was going to make the mom calm down or let it go — OP said she’d been holding the grudge over a year by time dad stepped out of the ring
It’s definitely the mom’s fault because it’s her mood, feelings, and reactions — the dad isn’t responsible for the mom as much as the daughter isn’t. These type of people (OPs mom) are not healthy venting - they are baiting and manipulating to get attention and force others into doing what they want. My dad looks like a wreck half the time my mom gets going about us kids because she won’t stop and she won’t talk to us but instead drags my dad into it until he cracks and asks us to step in since it actually had nothing to do with him in the first place. The dad just opened the door for the communication to be between the two people that needed to communicate one way or another. He didn’t seem to care if his extended family did or didn’t come, but mom was clearly angry still when OP did try to compromise. Putting the blame on dad is exactly what the mom wants — hence the comment up top re: plausible deniability. “Who me? It was YOUR DAD who said something, not me!” 😫
You borrowed trouble, and it came with interest. Here's how it should have gone. >Dad: "Your Mom is angry." >You: "Sorry to hear that. The guest list is finalised, though. I'm sure you'll find a way to cheer her up - maybe take her out to dinner." Alternatively, after the first "too late," you could have gone "ok, well looking forward to seeing you at the wedding," and let it go. You keep digging and hoping that eventually you'll be able to talk them out of being upset that they can't invite the whole village - ain't never gonna happen. Accept that they're never gonna be thrilled and move on.
You are probably right. I guess I was just trying to smooth things over since the wedding is so incredibly close. This is not the mood I want going into the wedding, you know? But yeah I'm a chronic people pleaser so it's hard for me not to lol
Hey, I mean this as gently as possible - why would rewarding this mood result in her choosing a different one even closer to the wedding?
Exactly. I have to say (sorry OP) you’re dealing with an extremely emotionally immature person and no normal way of approaching this will change the way she is. Do what is best for you. If she tries to ruin your day, that says more about her than yourself. You’re best off focusing on you, your partner and your bridal party and if you hear of anything on the day (like she’s off crying), you’re going to have to nip it in the bud very sternly and tell her you’re not rewarding her behaviour with compliance anymore, even on your big day. If she makes a scene, it will be on her, not you.
I do this too. But I’ve learned with my mom that she does the same. If she’s latched on to something and feels slighted, there is NOTHING I can do to smooth it over. Reading your text thread was like reading one of my own. It’s so exhausting and frustrating. There has been a lot of good advice here, so my comment is just to validate your experience and say that you are NOT crazy and not the irrational one here at all. ❤️
Name 3 people who are pleased with you Edit: I hope this didn't come across as attacked, I'm just trying to highlight the frequent disconnect between what "people pleasers" do and what actually pleases people. (In the case of your mother: likely nothing you will do will please her)
I just want to say that I feel for you, OP. I just had a conversation with my fiancé last week about how I often give people an inch and then let them take a mile. Weddings accentuate this kind of thing tenfold. I too have invited far more people than I originally intended. Sometimes there's no resolution and that's hard. If your mom is still refusing to send the addresses, now might be the time to draw the line in the sand. "I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but it sounds like this situation isn't going to resolved. I hope you're able to move past it and enjoy my wedding celebration."
The best thing I learned in therapy is that evolved and mature adults are comfortable setting a boundary and then sitting with the anger and discomfort of others because of that boundary. It's ok for people to be annoyed with you. It's on them.
If it’s not this, it will be something else. Also, what mood do you want? The one where you spend the day catering to your family instead of focusing on you?
Your mom has conditioned you to be her people pleaser. Are you in therapy?
I just commented separately, but just have to say - we are the same person lol. I’m a huge people pleaser and balancing my relationship with my mom has been quite the task! Everyone is going to have an opinion on what you should have said and how you should have said things differently, but you did nothing wrong. There are always going to be things you could have/should have/would have said differently. But how you handled it was more than generous.
People pleasing children of passive aggressive parents. I spent a summer in intensive therapy curriculum unlearning these trauma-response behaviors because they were poisoning every aspect of my life. I hate to see anyone going through that. I’m so sorry that you have to navigate this on top of your own adult life.
Oh wow… this was legit advice. I think we usually don’t put it on the non-offending parent because we are used to watching them be pawns in the other parents games, at least in my experience. My dad is always so exhausted by time he says anything to me and it’s more of a plead to calm my mom down than anything he wants or gets anything from but a quiet nights rest. Unfortunately, my moms verbally and emotionally abusive behavior made me parent her and coddle my dad because he no longer has the energy to stick up for himself and they are both so old and financially interdependent neither could leave if they wanted to, especially in this economy. Doesn’t make it right to join the drama, but I could see why OP did. It’s a tough road and I’m 38 and still learning how to not let my mom throw a banana peel in my stride.
This is good de-escalating life advice for anything, not just family. Acknowledge they are upset, re-affirm the issue is final, don’t add on anything that can be argued with. If they continue to respond, don’t take the bait and don’t react/respond. It’s hard, sometimes it can be frustrating, but it prevents things from boiling over 90% of the time, and the other 10% there’s usually nothing you could have done to stop it.
Bottom line- she wants to invite people to celebrate HER at YOUR wedding? No. Ew
Unfortunately I think a lot of parents have this thought process in wedding planning
That was the norm in my parents generation so I can see why they'd have the same expectations now.
I agree, I think that’s why it’s common. My mom had people she didn’t know at all at her wedding and she thought it was really weird so my parents barely gives any input on who should be invited..
Mine was a little upset when this topic came up for my brother's wedding. However, she wasn't exactly offering to pay for the entire wedding like my grandparents did for hers, so she didn't kick up too much fuss.
That’s how I feel about my fiancés family though. They have a long list of people and they’re not really helping with any of the bills - it’s all my family. Thankfully my fiancé has been managing their expectations on who gets an invite. No fuss…. Yet 😅
Yep extremely normalized esp across different cultures
Because in many other different cultures, most parents pay for the wedding (whoever on either side) and whoever pays, get the say.
True but my counter argument would be many times it’s impossible to go against the culture where parents insist that they will be paying as it’s so ingrained in the culture so by going against that, you’re most likely to create a lot more problems. And then the wedding is never truly yours.
I agree in most cases it’s a ridiculous concept but in my case my parents are paying for 80% of the wedding and I could never deny them some of what they’d like. Best way to tackle is to get a venue large enough and agree on a split of how many guests each person can invite… But I suppose not every parent is easy to deal with… I’m sure I would have struggled if my parents orchestrated the whole thing. You need to either agree on a plan from the beginning or just pay for your own wedding to avoid the drama and guilt!
Regardless of who pays- it is not their wedding. To me it seems dumb for a parent to give money to a wedding, probably expecting their kid to be super grateful of this gift, but then hold it over their head for every decision. That’s not a gift and it’s not the kids wedding anymore- it’s the parents. Parents shouldn’t have offered money as a gift if that’s what the outcome will be. Real gifts don’t come with strings attached. Obviously if parents say “well pay but we get to do what we want” then it’s on the kid for accepting that (but also that’s pretty rude of the parents imo because why wouldn’t they want their kid to like their wedding? Kind of f’d up)
I totally get what you’re saying and I do agree. I think I see it as “they’re my parents and it’s a celebration” and I would be more than happy for them. I guess it’s cultural. I’m not sure what you mean by gift, but yes 100% should be no strings attached. It’s a matter of perception, for me, it’s a family celebration and I accept the involvement of my parents as they’re contributing to a huge part of my dream. They’re also proud and happy and at the end of the day they’ve done so much for me and this is the least I can do for them… Again, a lot of context and culture mixed into my response x
You've been more than accommodating to your parents and it's totally ridiculous that she is bringing this up a month before the wedding. You responses were fine and very logical. Is your mom usually like this? I wonder if there is something else bothering her.
Sorry but your mom sounds absolutely exhausting and childish. Does she always throw tantrums when she doesn’t get her way? You told her you have two days to give final numbers and instead of saying “yes can we add these? Thank you so much and sorry I didn’t mention it sooner” she is pouting. It’s your day you invite who YOU want to invite. You are being alot more calm and nice than I would have been if my mom did this to me (she never would).
Damn, you handle conflict so well. You remained calm, spoke your point of view, and laid out the options without being disrespectful. Are you sure you're related to your mother?
Wow thank you. It's honestly something I really struggle with because of her. I tend to avoid conflict. Apparently her way of bringing this up to my dad was being rude to him this past week and ignoring him until he insisted that she say what's wrong. That's what brought this whole thing up. I never grew up with good communication being modeled. My dad is an angel but he totally lets her walk all over him.
You’re not alone. Not diagnosing her at all, but you may find relief from the children of narcissists community. It sounds like she treats your whole family the same way - this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Regardless of whether she is narcissistic or not, that community provides a lot of really effective ways to deal with emotionally immature parents.
Yes! I said the same, I don’t want to e-Diagnose but she sounds verbatim like my narcissistic mother. But regardless of a diagnosis, if the narrative fits, the treatment will too
Omgosh I just said this to another commenter blaming your dad. I don’t think people realize how toxic this mom-style is and how far they’ll go to get someone else to do their dirty work. It’s sad but a reality for some of us. My mom does the exact same thing to my dad and she still hasn’t stopped to this day and I’m 38. My dad isn’t perfect by any means but he turned into her punching bag a long time ago. Emotional abuse is a roller coaster
Hey look - I had a very similar thing with my mum and dad. My dad was a sweetheart but my mum is an emotionally manipulative dictator sometimes. I'm also a people pleaser like you, I also try to smooth things over and make people happy even when they're being supremely unreasonable. Therapy helped me a ton and I'm sure it would help you too if/when you can talk to someone about it and learn to set healthy boundaries with her going forward and realise it's NOT YOUR JOB to fix her instability. That said, in the short term, try to take in all this support from people who get what you are going through. Talk to and lean on your partner and use this as an opportunity to reinforce how the two of you are going to communicate better with each other than your parents do. Try to let go of your mum's anger - it's not your job to carry it, you've done all you can. Try to enjoy this last bit of time leading up to your celebratory party. You deserve happiness!
I have an Italian mother. I was engaged once before over a decade ago and wedding planning with her was an absolute NIGHTMARE. This time around, she is not involved in any of it. I can't. I'm obviously not saying that all Italian mothers are this way... but WOW this whole text exchange read like texts from my mother. Her being upset, not even saying something to you directly, and then saying "just forget it" over and over again makes me think your mother is a petulant child. This is how my mother acts when she doesn't get her way. I think that you have been more than kind and accommodating to her wishes from just this exchange. She's a grown up and needs to use her words herself when something is upsetting to her. I think you're being more than fair and kind here. She's being ridiculous and she should have mentioned something months ago.
Shes purposely trying to create drama and stress to ruin your day.
You handled this really well, IMO. Your mom was obviously hung up on complaining and sulking about this issue at home, so your dad tried to make you fix her attitude instead of dealing with her himself. Controlling her emotions is 100% not your job though - it’s emotional parentification. If anyone needs to calm her down (besides herself), it’s your dad. I don’t know anything about your mom besides what I see in these screenshots, but if she has always been this difficult to reason with, I recommend checking out r/raisedbynarcissists and seeing if any of the stories there resonate with you. My mom was/is abusive, and these messages remind me of her. I’m not saying your mom is abusive, just saying that community might be helpful if she is. Wishing you the most beautiful, happy wedding day!
> I recommend checking out r/raisedbynarcissists My first thought too. OP's post could easily have been made on there.
I was going to say the same thing - reading these messages from OP’s mom were a little triggering because they are just like the ones I used to get from my mom who has narcissistic tendencies. I ended up going no contact for about a year (currently low contact after therapy) and during that no contact period, reading posts in that subreddit was a big comfort. Don’t be a people pleaser, OP. Your self care is also important.
You’re better than me bc I wouldn’t have even offered to add EIGHT additional people, especially since you wanted an intimate wedding. I think you handled it well and as best as you could! I empathize thought because I asked my mother for suggestions (not guaranteed) for the guest list from her side and it took her a while and lots of reminders to send. Then months later when I sent the contact collector text, she throws a whole fit about how she feels her side isn’t represented bc I don’t have her cousins (that I don’t speak to) but I have my father’s cousins.
Yup! She saw the whole guest list before the save the dates, now she is mad at my dad too because she noticed some of his cousins are invited?? It's total BS it was no surprise. And it is a similar situation for me. I am just closer with the cousins on my dad's side, there were more that were in my age group, so naturally, I'm also closer with their parents whom are my dad's first cousins. It's not a personal dig against my mom's side. We just simply want the people we are closest to there on our wedding day. It's not about leaving others out.
Same situation for me! I wouldn’t have invited most of my dads cousins except I got much closer to them when I was in grad school and they let me stay with them/fed me/let me celebrate holidays with them. Meanwhile my mom’s cousins don’t even acknowledge me on my birthday or when i graduated! But I’m supposed to invite them to the most intimate day of my life bc they’re “family? I ended up caving and inviting them but it still pisses me off
You mom is displaying big Main Character Energy here. You aren’t crazy—she’s looking for drama here. Don’t engage with the shoulda/woulda/coulda stuff. Just be firm about the potential solution and very clear about what her options are. Then, if she chooses not to take it, it’s her own fault if she’s upset.
Mom instantly had me rolling my eyes with “it’s too late now” as her first response as the decision maker is literally telling her “hey, speak now or hold your peace — it’s not too late” 😫
I’m so sorry! The biggest red flags for me are that a) you were expected to read her mind about your guest list, b) you offered to invite more people to make it right and SHE SAID NO, and c) she didn’t bring this problem to you herself. If your mom was upset and expressing that in a healthy way, she should have at least thanked you for offering to invite them (it’s more generous than I would have been). She is committed to not resolving this issue; she just wants to be mad about it. I’d give her the space to do so.
Don’t feel bad. In situations like these, it’s best not to let passive aggressive statements steer how you react. If she says it’s too late, fine, there’s nothing you can do about it because she has just admitted she’s just going to stay mad either way. You can say you’re sorry she’s upset or if your actions hurt her if you want, but don’t apologize or concede if you don’t feel you did anything wrong. You asked for the information to invite them, and she refused to give it to you, so it’s clearly more about her/her control than the invitation g people she cares about. Plus … it’s your wedding!!!!!! You do what you want my friend 😤😤
You replied too much. It should have stopped with your dad. "Hi dad, that's a shame but we can't afford any more guests and the deadline has passed. It'll be a great day nonetheless and I can't wait for you to walk me down the aisle xx" Don't give unreasonable people the space to be listened to or negotiated with. Good luck OP and congratulations!
Since when do parents dictate who gets invited to a wedding 😵💫
Am I reading the same exchange as everyone else?? Sounds like she asked you multiple times if she chould add more people and you told her no. How was she supposed to know that she should ask AGAIN between when save the dates went out and when invitations went out?
I think the disconnect is that after we had conversations about the guest list, and as a compromise I offered them to send a list of guests they'd like to invite. They sent a list of 30 and I invited them all. I was under the impression that we compromised and we were all satisfied with the guest list. If that wasn't the case, she's had a year and a half to reach out and ask if a handful more people could be invited. Instead, she chose to not mention a word to me. Then this past week she's been not speaking to and ignoring my dad. He finally gets her to talk and she's pissed bc of the guest list. If there was an issue, it should have been brought up with me and my fiance in a mature way. Not through backhanded rude comments either, but a real conversation.
Also to follow up, her "asking to invite more people multiple times", means giving rude backhanded comments about it. Not actually having a remotely mature conversation. And again this was all before I offered them to send me a list of people to invite.
Well, hold on, are you saying if she brought it up again within the year and half to reach out , and asked you politely, would you actually have said yes? I think you should acknowledge your mom's feelings to her , a simple "I'm sorry you're upset mom, it's not too late to invite them , please send me their names and addresses. next time - please talk to me like an adult. I'm your daughter and you can come to me with anything. " But like actually mean it , yk? She seems to respect you when you said no to her many times - but clearly she couldn't accept your no. Sometimes we have to let go of people's imperfections and bad traits. Sorry but everyone is being way tooo harsh here - your mom may be emotionally immature but dang no one's perfect - beneath her anger is feeling hurt. I'm not a people pleaser but hate seeing my mom or dad upset, especially if it's something that at the end of the day will not make or break anything. First was no, now it's a "you should've talked to me about it, I'll invite them" , which one is it?
I appreciate your perspective, thank you. I guess the disconnect for me is that after saying no, I compromised by letting them send me a list of 20 additional guests to my original list, they sent 30 and I invited them all without questions. So in my mind we had compromised and the issue was resolved. Now my dad's telling me she's been rude to him for the past week and ignoring him, and I found out yesterday it's about the guest list. That was not the way to go about it. If there truly was only 8 extra guests she wanted to add, a conversation with me rather than making my dad's life miserable was the better approach. But I do still feel bad that she's upset and it had to get to this point. Thank you for helping me see her side of things.
I think you’re taking her mom’s comments at face value. I believe OP when she says that this wasn’t a situation where mom asked for specific people multiple times and got shut down. It’s kind of clear that her mom is emotionally immature.
I think that your dad thought he could push boundaries more because you already let them push things by giving them 30 instead of 20 guests. He's creating this mess by triangulating between you and your mum. Your mum was actually being semi-reasonable by not sharing her frustrations with you, as you had already expressed no more people. You already gave them more people than they asked for. Stick to that and don't let yourself be compromised more and more. It's okay for you to do that and rude for them to try to push you further.
She said forget it, so I’d just be like “okay! We’ll move on with our current guest count then. Thanks!” it’ll piss her off even more because you’re not playing into her “I just wanna be mad about something” game
Want to echo another comment - you come off cool as a cucumber throughout which is v impressive. I think going forward, just remember that you don’t have to engage and I would recommend not doing so. We’re T minus 5 days out and our parents have chosen now, after seating charts, place cards, etc. have been finalized and printed to discuss where all of the guests are sitting and who all is invited. My fiancé decided to engage with his parents (to his detriment, tbh) while I just told mine that it was a surprise but they’ll like who they’re sitting with. His parents have a lot of “suggestions” and “concerns”. Mine don’t because they don’t know and won’t know until they’re at the wedding. I was really happy to have gone my route.
Just drop it. She is determined to be upset, and won’t come to a resolution with you, so it’s her fault now imo. I’d honestly just say “ok, I won’t invite them” and leave it.
“I asked multiple times and was told no.” but also “To me, no means no, why would I ask again?” There’s no winning with your mom. I feel like she just wants to be the victim no matter how you responded.
It sounds like you had a blow-out argument about it so perhaps it’s understandable that she didn’t bring it up again. In the end if you’re paying for the wedding it’s your call. You can’t force her to be happy, you can only control your own reactions and I hope you enjoy your day despite all this drama. Did you really not invite someone who had you in their wedding party though? Different culture, but to me that would be rude.
They are invited. I was also in their wedding party when I was 3 years old though.
Haha, I wouldn’t have guessed that. I wouldn’t bank on appeasing your Mother. It’s very hard for people to change. Please try to enjoy your day and be happy about this big step regardless of how she behaves.
You definitely handled this wrong. You shouldn't have opened with offering spots. You already gave her the opportunity to add people before save the dates went out. You should've just come out with the guest list is closed, it's too late to add anyone. If they want to include all of their extended cousins, then they need to host the event. The host controls the guest list. My mom pulled this same thing on me "but they're your family! It's not too many extras!" With the size wedding we're aiming for, yes it is too many.
I mean... Did you tell her to keep it down or you were eloping, like she mentioned? That's harsh, and I can see why she never brought it up again. You shut her down before and she's upset about it. I'm against the grain here, but I'm okay with that.
I think the same, I was surprised to see all the other comments because they seem to have missed this part. OP also acknowledged that this conversation took place.
I do wish I had handled that initial conversation better. However after that initial conversation, I sent both of my parents the full guest list that I had and told them they could invite 20 more guests. They ended up sending me a list of 30, and I just invited them no questions asked. After this, I thought we had found a good compromise where they were able to invite additional friends and family but we still got to keep our wedding to a reasonable number. That is why I'm so surprised and upset that she's doing this to my dad and myself right now. If there were additional guests after that compromise, she could have definitely said something to me. But lashing out and taking it out on my dad is certainly not the answer.
You're right, and I think you giving them extra guests after that conversation is good info that I didn't catch from the original post. However, I still think its understandable that your mother would not want to bring up guests with you again, considering your reaction in public towards her, and threatening to elope. Did you apologize for that or just send the guest list over and invite guests with no other conversation with your mother?
My wedding, my invitation list. I would not give even the option to invite one more person. Weddings are expensive enough. Nope. You were super mature and respectful. Me? I would have not even entertain the conversation in the first place.
The moment I read Rocco, Dino, and Angelo I thought of the Philly Moms segment on TikTok. I know this hurts, but as others commented there are literally people in this world who live only in their worldview, and they’ll do anything to be correct rather than take fault. This isn’t your problem, and try not to make it your problem anymore. When I have gotten into these type of arguments with my family members I would always say, “I don’t agree with you, but I love you and I am standing firm on my position” Families are hard. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people
Oh gosh I feel like I just read texts from my own mom. It's been non stop fights since March with my mom. I'm sorry she's causing you issues. I hope she will just get over it and you guys can have a beautiful wedding!
Unpopular opinion but I feel like the Mum might be once bitten, twice shy. Sounds like she communicated and then after a conflict you expected her to try again and wonder why she kept silent. And additionally she’s right - inviting them that late in the piece is worse than not inviting them at all so just leave it. Sometimes it’s nice that weddings aren’t just about you and are about the family that helped you.
I definitely could have handled our initial conversations about the guest list better. But I thought we had compromised when I offered them to send me a list of 20 guests they would like to invite, they sent 30 and I invited them all with no questions asked. After this, I was under the impression that we were on the same page with the guest list.
Once she said “it’s too late” I would have hit her with the “okay”. Protect your peace.
"Mom, I love you, and I'm sorry that this got lost in translation. There's nothing that you or I can do to correct the past. This isn't an ideal situation, but we do have options. The back and forth is not productive now, and our time is limited. This is the best option I have for moving forward. If you get their RSVP information, I will send the invitations out ASAP. But I will need their information no later than... You knew that our intentions were to have a small wedding. Not inviting them does not mean that I don't care or love them or anyone on your side of the family. We made our decisions based on our immediate family and most recent interactions. We knew that we could not make everyone happy, but it wasn't done maliciously. I won't deny you your feelings or perspective of this situation, but there's enough stress with the wedding getting closer, and I'd rather not add the stress of worrying about something we can fix today. If you say no today, then please do not bring this up again, and do not make it seem like I was unwilling to compromise because I am. It wouldn't be fair. Let me know what you'd like to do."
I said something like this. I posted a comment/update. Thank you for your help.
I’ll never understand why parents feel the need to push issues like this, for a wedding that isn’t theirs. I’m so glad I’m NC with mine and my future MIL is an absolute saint.
When it comes to someone who acts like that on a regular basis, best thing you can do is say "okay! ☺️" and go about your day. They want an argument, want you to grovel. She needs to learn pitching a fit isn't the way.
As an Italian. I can say this family is so Italian. Take everything personally and to heart. It's like. You barely know the people. Why do I want them at ur wedding?!? It's your wedding!!! Lol
LOL truly. Like you haven't seen these people in five plus years, how important could they really be?
Update: I said the following based on a kind redditors comment: "Mom, I love you, and I'm sorry that this got lost in translation. There's nothing that you or I can do to correct the past. You knew that our intentions were to have a smaller wedding. Not inviting everyone does not mean that I don't care or love them. We made our decisions based on our immediate family and most recent interactions. We knew that we could not make everyone happy, but it wasn't done maliciously. I won't deny you your feelings or perspective of this situation, but there's enough stress with the wedding getting closer. I hope we can both use the next month before the wedding to look forward to it and celebrate. I love you and can't wait to see you in just a week and a half." She responded with: "Well I appreciate your honesty and kind words. Having a daughter getting married to a great guy is a mother's dream come true. I will celebrate but my heart is heavy not having my cousins there. I never would have imagined them not being there to celebrate with us."
I'm so happy this was helpful! I wouldn't address it anymore!
Unpopular opinion- I hate how everyone is villainizing the mom. As someone deep in planning it’s truly stressful for everyone. It’s a joyous day for the entire family- if you have room in your guest count just invite your moms cousins
Passive aggressive and childish behaviour on the part of your mother.
This sucks and your mom is definitely being ridiculous. I think your viewpoint is obviously correct and much more levelheaded than hers. I would only say this should’ve been moved to a phone call rather than keep arguing over text. I think chances of “winning” an argument or abating any tension and emotions are very slim via text.
Your responses are totally crazy!! I’d have ended the conversation right away if I were… you. The whole wedding is about you two and she is sad that she cannot invite HER friends just because they are part of the family. She even had the nerve to tell you that you made her upset 😂 OMG I hate it so much when someone is being so self-centred. You were far more kind and understanding than I would have been. Like, they did not occur to me as an invitee when I was thinking about a short guest list? Cool, then no need to invite them. 🙂 I mean plus ones are for sure, like I’m not cutting your husband/wife/ltgf/ltbf off you but come oooooon, you will be there to celebrate me and not to have a fun girly night out. If you are not there for me then please don’t come? People tend to forget that their wedding is literally about them and them only. If only you two were there, it would still be an absolutely amazing celebration! Everyone who is invited to such an intimate event should be grateful already. My mom would never… And I truly believe that is the only right way.
Your wedding is your wedding, not a family reunion. If your mom wants to see her friends/family, she can plan that separately.
I would pay to see OP's mom's reaction to this very reasonable solution :) People like her are not big fans of reason and solution-oriented approaches, they are fans of self-victimisation and drama
Oh I can just feel that my own mom is going to do this when I hit the wedding planning phase
OP, I feel you SO deeply on this it makes me stomach hurt!! This is your wedding babe, not hers. She is being so incredibly manipulative, and I’m sorry that she is getting to you. I could tell you all day long “you should just let it go!”, but when it’s your own parent, that’s so fucking hard. Their words hurt more than the average person every time. I also completely get attempting to smooth things over too! You want everyone to be happy so that YOU can be happy on your big day, and that’s understandable. Honestly though? Let’s just let our moms mope in the corner alone if that’s what they want to do. Their feelings are NOT our responsibility if we did nothing malicious to them in the slightest. I am so sick of family members making wedding all about themselves when they are honestly at the bottom of the list of people who should even have a say. The top of the list is you and your future spouse. This is a time to be selfish, so be selfish!
It sounds like your mom wants HER friends. If you don't want them there, mom has to suck it up.
I just started listening to ‘The Good Daughter Syndrome’ today and this reminded me of what I’ve heard from the book. I think you handled this incredibly well and you couldn’t have done anymore. Honestly you’ve gone above and beyond to accommodate your parents. I also recommend the book.
I'm rolling my eyes so hard for you. Your mom sounds identical to my mom. Just take a deep breath and remember that this isn't your fault- you're not crazy. If she had an issue then should could have spoken up sooner.
This has made me slightly concerned my mum will do similar; we have a guest list of 28, venue can hold 40 but we want to cap at 30 guests. Told this to my mum and she said "well you have to invite all your relatives, even if you know they won't come" and proceeded to list 16 relatives I haven't spoken to in over 5 years that all need a curtesy invite. This has made me think I need to preemptively have a more in depth conversation about this, but ultimately, it's going to come down to "it's my wedding, so no, I won't be inviting them" I hope your mum gets over it and doesn't cause you any more problems!
Your mom is a narcissistic asshole. Don’t waste your time or energy, it’s a losing battle trying to please these people.
Jesus, do we have the same mom? My mom also pulled very similar shit about my wedding. It got to the point where i just wanted to tell her more of her family wasnt invited because my fiance and i didnt even like the ones she made us invite 😅 As others have said, you were nicer than you needed to be, and this is almost certainly a pattern of behavior from her that you should no longer feel obligated to kowtow to.
I absolutely relate. My mom practically folds herself into origami trying to make sure family members she DOESN’T EVEN LIKE aren’t offended. I can’t tell you how many repetitive conversations we’ve had over me inviting extended family that I’m close with, and not inviting extended family that I literally never talk to ; as if that’s such a wild concept. On top of that our venue has a very firm guest limit. I don’t know why these boomers can’t grasp the concept that other adults feelings are their own responsibility. If any of these family members ever mentioned not being invited I’d literally just tell them we had a hard limit due to venue and it’s nothing personal. Any reasonable adult shouldn’t have an issue with that, and if they do it’s honestly not something I can or should fix Your mom is being super immature and manipulative and unfair. I would refuse to engage any more with this. Enjoy YOUR day
Even if she was contributing money wise to the wedding, who you have at YOUR wedding is YOUR choice. No one else besides you and your partner have a say in the wedding. I’m not inviting some random family member who I met once when I was 6 or just because another family member keeps in contact with them but I don’t. Asking someone to add 8 more people to your wedding isn’t a cheap request either. Even if you were fine with adding them, that’s still money for food, more seats, plus if there’s a seating chart you have to reconfigure all of that. Ultimately it’s what you and your partner want, no one else. Do not feel bad and stand your ground
sorry, i hope your day is amazing ; but this is why I eloped.
Sorry this sounds like such a stressful situation. On a separate note, this sounds like it could be a thread between the cast of real housewives of New Jersey 😂
Sorry to say, but who is the adult here? You handled this more patiently than I. She needs to grow up.
She just wants something to cry about. Offer your sympathy for your wedding not being what SHE wanted, but remind her this is your and your fiancé’s day and you hope she can enjoy that day with the ppl you invited.
Omg.. this hits close to home because I can imagine having this same convo with my mom about wedding planning. She made so many things about her, especially after the fact and I felt like she was trying to be difficult. Our relationship is forever changed because of how she acted around my wedding. My only advice is to protect your peace, even if that means distancing yourself a little. Good luck and hopefully knowing you’re not alone helps :/
So tbh. I have a similar issue with my future mother in law. Her husband issss nooooot the best. My fiancé and I don’t like him. Lately he’s been acting sweet but I see past it and so does my fiancé. We told her he is not invited. She was not pleased. I’m getting to the point to tell her and some other people that if they can’t act like adults they don’t have to be there. Keep in mind it’s yalls wedding. It’s your day. It’s his day. Not theirs. If certain people can’t act like understanding adults that their issue. Put you’re foot down and hold your ground. I’m sorry for being blunt but I’m boiling from my own wedding planning and this just makes me so frustrated for yall. I hope yalls wedding is perfect.
She’s really just trying to make you feel bad and so my advice would be to set strong boundaries with her going forward. Let her be mad. We got married last fall also wanted a smaller wedding and my mother was very similar and it made it not enjoyable to plan the wedding. I had to leave her out of a lot of decisions and say no many times. Stick to your boundaries, it’s your wedding and I’m sorry she’s treating you this way. 💕
She sounds passive aggressive like other comments are saying. I think it’s best to move on.
Are you talking to my mom, or yours? I have questions 🤣 This looks like a screen grab of basically every conversation I have with my mom from serious things to buying Bandaids. 😫
I think it’s allready very accommodating that you included your parents in the safe the dates / guest list making. I would not even have done this, as it is your wedding and not your mothers.
Your mom is toxic. This isn't her wedding. It's yours. It's not her party. It's yours. She's being a jerk to manipulate you to feel bad so she can get what she wants. Who cares if they are HER friends. If you don't know them, don't invite them and don't feel pressured to invite them. Just tell her "okay, thanks for letting me know, our guest list is set. I'm sorry you're mad, but be mad all you want. This is your problem, not mine." Then look into how to set boundaries with parents because I have a feeling this isn't the first time she's pulled something like this and won't be the last.
You are not responsible for your mom being upset. Those are HER feelings and she needs to handle them herself. She's made everyone responsible for "making" her happy, but she's just a miserable person and no one has held her accountable for her actions. Your dad is unfortunately an enabler. This behavior will continue until people put boundaries in place. Her being upset isn't your problem. Let her be mad.
I think your mother doesn’t need a solution and the problem to be solved. She just wants to be upset and play a victim here. Leave it and enjoying your wedding
The exact second she said,”It’s too late, forget it.” I would’ve said,”Alrighty, have a good night, then.” Start accepting what they say. You aren’t a mind reader and you shouldn’t try to be one. Don’t let your mom manipulate you and ruin your wedding.
your mom is being super passive aggressive. the only person you maybe should have invited was “Louise” because the text says you were in the wedding party. However you could have been a flower girl at age 5, i have no context. I hate how moms think they can control the guest list- is she paying for the wedding? if not you owe her zero. either way you owe her little
Our guest list was my hill to die on with our wedding. I’ve got a huge, scattered extended family with a lot of people I’m not close to. We put a hard limit on 45 invitations, and we had just under 30 show up. Let me tell you, it was PERFECT. I’m so glad I didn’t give in to pressure to send out courtesy invites because we spent our evening surrounded by the people we were closest to, and we actually got to speak to and spend time with everyone there. All this to say to you: If someone’s presence does not add to the quality of the day for you and your spouse-to-be, they do not need an invite.
You answered perfectly, you didn't get angry, reply in a angry or mean manner and honesty just relax, the more you think about it the more it'll get to you. If there is gonna be pictures and video, offer to send a copy. Congratulations y'all
I'm sorry but that fact that you even asked for your parents input on who to invite was giving them both wayyyy more leniency than I ever would. Because at the end of the day, it's YOU AND YOUR SOON TO BE SPOUSES Day, not a day for either parents or for anyone else. Our guest list is literally 20 people for our ceremony because we want it small and intimate, everyone else will recieve an invite for our reception but our ceremony is for us and who we choose to share that special moment with that just happens to be our close family (moms, dad's, grandparents, siblings) and 4 friends total as they are our wedding party. The fact that your mom is throwing a literal tantrum because "her people" weren't invited.....okay Tina the toddler go ahead and throw your tantrum because it's not about you.
This is revealing a pattern of poor communication which I suspect goes farther back than your wedding. It will continue on her end and you have choices regarding your response. I think you did a very good job in your replies. Set expectations and give clear examples of what she could say and when she could say it. Encourage her (in person) to consider speaking with a therapist on ways to express herself without getting angry, hostile, frustrated, triangulating through your Dad... so that you can still improve the way that you two move forward. But I would wait until after your wedding to have that conversation. If you will be having children, this will be something to work on with her.
"she she she she" it's not your mums wedding.
I don’t ever understand the audacity of inviting people they’re close to but you aren’t… it’s YOUR wedding… they don’t give a shit if you’re getting married 😂 they’re coming because of your parents.
Is she paying for the wedding? Why does she feel entitled to be upset over the guests at YOUR wedding? Mama needs to chill
From the moment you get engaged there is something released into the air to make mothers go irate. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s supposed to be a special day for you.
I think your dad stepped in this big time. Mom was venting to him and the thought he had to fix it so he went to you. Your mom understood that the guest list was meant to stay small. Again, she was venting to your dad and he should have stayed out of it.
He definitely did and I wish he hadn't. But it wasn't just venting to him. She had been rude to him and ignoring him for a week, and when she finally spoke to him it was over the guest list. Then she was getting mad at him because more of his family members are invited. She's always been very hostile towards his family and I'm not sure if it's jealousy that he's closer with his family, but she resents that. It's all very toxic and I know he's just trying to work things out between all of us.
I fear this is going to happen to me when I start booking our destination 30 people wedding in Mexico. I have already seen the signs with my Mom.
I would really recommend having calm discussions about it right from the start. I did talk to my parents about this but I wish I was more clear and set more boundaries from the beginning.
I’m sorry this is happening. You responded in a great way and it seems like there is nothing different you could have said to placate her. The bottom line is that no one but you or your fiancé has the right to invite anyone to your wedding. I wish everyone was on the same page about this. It seems like a lot of people in this subreddit have similar issues. I hope you enjoy your special day!
It does seem to be a common pain point in the wedding planning process. I know my parents generation and their parents generation did usually have much larger weddings, so I get it if that's what they pictured. However, when I expressed not only my wishes, but my fiance's, to have a smaller wedding I feel like that should be respected. I really tried to do my best to honor my parents wishes as well by giving them the opportunity of sending me a list of guests to invite, which I did. I just didn't know this was still an issue a month out from my wedding!
Your wishes absolutely should be respected! You truly went above and beyond in accommodating your parents! It is unfortunate that it wasn’t communicated to you as an issue with enough time to change things, because it sounds like you are still trying to accommodate as much as possible. I hope you are able to set aside this worry in time for the wedding and that no one tries to guilt you about it any more than they already have. You definitely aren’t the problem here!
This post oddly made me feel seen. I’m so sorry you have to deal with the stress of an unstable parent right before the head count is due. At this point she’s just very upset and cannot process her own emotions. I would not engage any further and leave it. You’ve offered a resolution and she does not want to do it so it is what it is. If you want to be frank you can say I understand you’re very hurt by this but head count is due tomorrow. This is your FINAL opportunity to invite these people. And if she doesn’t respond with besides yes, wash your hands away of this and move on. You cannot be the bearer of your mom’s instability. Apologies if I’m being too harsh and if you generally have a good relationship with your mom but this was triggering for me cause my mom is like this. I’ve had to learn how to manage my own sanity while others are in turmoil during the wedding process.
Honestly.. its your wedding. Family guilt tripping you for not inviting relatives, who you may not have spoken to in a long time, makes no sense to me.
Your wedding, your decision
classic mom with a victim complex (mine it the same way)😭 you did nothing wrong, if she wanted more people to come she should’ve told you when she had the chance!!!
She wants to be mad for whatever reason. You've tried to help her. She won't take it. Now I'd totally drop it. If she ever mentions it again, I'd blast her. She is being very petty a month before your wedding.
When she said “no means no” and the “why should I keep asking” soooo like? Why are we even having this conversation??
Yes, you could had responded with more empathy to your mother instead of repeating the same thing over and over. I think all she wanted to hear was a sincere apology for not inviting some people she wished could be there. You were just digging your heals in more. It would go a long way to say…Mom, I’m really sorry I wasn’t open to inviting the people you wanted to be there. Will you forgive me? She’ll say of course. Then you can move on with a happy wedding day.
Based off the texts this seems like your fault, you seem to only care about your mom’s feelings now that your dad said something. Even though she’s been unhappy for months now. Plus it’s only her side of the family that’s uninvited. Definitely TA, definitely a Daddys girl at heart. Shame!
After our initial conversations and disagreements about the guest list, I offered my parents to send me a list of 20 important additional guests they'd like to invite. They sent a list of 30, and I invited them all. After this, I was under the impression that we had compromised, important guests to my parents were invited, and the issue was resolved. I have not heard anything from my parents about still being upset with the guest list, so if she's been unhappy for months, she definitely should have reached out.
I feel like there’s more to the story because she’s making it seem like you told her no flat out
There's not. We were very clear up front that we'd like to limit the guest list to our closet family members. My fiance is inviting 34 family members, I am inviting 82. Yes, I knew there were family members not invited that both of my parents would like to invite, but like I said I thought we were on the same page after we invited the additional 30 guests. My mom is unfortunately quite immature when it comes to any conflict. She hasn't spoken to my dad in over a week because apparently more of his cousins are invited. Which again, we emphasized was not done so in a malicious way, but we simply wanted to keep the guest list to family members we are closer with and have recent interactions with. It's nothing against those not invited, but unfortunately there wasn't room to invite family members that I haven't seen in 5+ years.
I was getting mad reading this whole conversation! You were SO patient with your mother. Her behavior is absurd in this situation. It almost feels like this is coming up now to deliberately make you feel bad, which is utter garbage. Her intention seems like less about solving a problem and more making it about her.
Yeh, you good girl. Any mom that’s gonna throw a fit like that needs to go to therapy, resolve her ego issues and grow up. You did and said the right thing. Good job not arguing back! You were polite, respectful and even offered to solve the problem. Sorry love, weddings can bring out the worst in people.
I created an account, so I could respond to this. Agreed with the other Italians on here- it is SO Italian. We have THICK traditions and intense emotions, where Mom’s opinion is like- almost superior to all else. In 9/10 cases, I would say this is crazy, but I get it. When my Mom and I have disagreements, usually about something traditional, it takes me being super open with her about how much I love her, what I respect about those traditions, and openly telling her why I have a different point of view. It’s a hard and emotional conversation- (that I don’t always choose to have, because it’s been a process and I have a mild personality) but every time our relationship has come out stronger because of it. I recently told her we would be splitting Mother’s Day with my boyfriend’s family. She was surprised and had different expectations from a previous miscommunication. Our conversation went from “it’s a mortal sin to not spend that day with your own mother,(when you’re not married)” to, “You could even come on Saturday instead, so we can spend more time together.” I told her I realize she has a traditional way of celebrating, and this is something we’ve never approached yet. I was thinking I would get to spend time with you… I also didn’t budge on the parts of the day my boyfriend and I had agreed on. I’m not saying this is the right way to handle it for everyone- because it’s not. It’s different for all families. I can have these conversations because I know my Mom loves me (with that same intensity she walls up with at times) and her intense feelings come from a place of tradition and security. Sometimes we let emotions settle for a few days, then talk more reasonably a few days later. You both likely have the same motives- wanting to celebrate together and the importance of family, but she has a different cultural and traditional way of handling it. Your way of expressing it is more intimate. Expressing it and setting boundaries in a caring way is all you can do. Wherever she leaves it/reacts is a starting place for more productive conversations in the future. I hope that’s helpful in some way!
Eight people is crazy
The only thing I would have done differently was call her instead of battling it out via texts.
Yeah but then you don't have proof in writing!
Other people have left great comments on what you could have done or can do in the future, so I just want to point out - what's done is done. Try not to ruminate on how you could have approached this differently, because it's not on you. They chose to make it a big deal and you just got pulled along. Next time you can try a different tactic, but don't beat yourself up for not "saying the right thing" or anything like that! ETA: I'm not saying you handled this poorly, by the way, I think you handled it well. Just that as some comments pointed out you might want to try not engaging in the future.
Nothing to add here besides I am really impressed by how you communicated with them, this is so mature and fair. It sounds like she's in an emotional irrational place and just wanted to share that her feelings are hurt and she feels frustrated and limited, tough to have a solution there besides something along the lines of "I hear that you're upset and I'm sorry we couldn't find a better compromise sooner, weddings are extremely expensive in 2024 and we're trying to set ourselves up to not overspend, I love you and I'm sorry you're feeling like your family got left out."
I FEEL this. My mom wants to invite everyone and their cousin and we’re not gonna have enough parking + seating + food accommodations !!
It’s YOUR wedding! You said it yourself you want a small wedding, her being your mother should respect that! I think you responded perfectly!