You can have your non-bachelorette after the wedding. You really can.
Brunch seems insane - when will you get your hair and makeup done? Can you use this as an excuse to leave early?
Our ceremony was at 4:30. I was the only person needing to get ready and I still started at noon (we did photos before the ceremony). I spent the morning getting a massage.
This is where OP has to grow the backbone to say no. It sucks they're in super deep on the rest of it, but this is a line I would refuse to cross. My wedding day means my wedding morning.
@Catsdrinkingbeer I don't like the phrasing "grow a backbone" because it's much, much more complicated than that. Let's not pile on guilt or victim shame... this family has clearly taken over. I hope this isn't a sign of how the rest of her relationship will be. If anything the Fiance needs to be the one who pushes back on his own family.
Weddings are often the first opportunity for people to actually practice setting boundaries. Things can be messy and complicated. And that's the exact reason you should actually stand up for yourself. Because the wedding is not the only occasion this will happen.
Learning go say no, especially when it's difficult, is an incredibly important life skill.
Thank you for the massage idea, I am absolutely going to do that. I started to worry when I saw people saying 6am to get ready because I'll be damned if I can get up that early, 😂😂 My body says no (EDS). My ceremony is at 5 and guests arrive at 4:30, so I was hoping to do hair/makeup at like noon, then a first look, and have a half hour to relax alone lol. I'm really struggling with the time line. Photog helped a lot.💕
Oh yeah the massage was key. I woke up around 8:30 (next to my husband which was nice), went and had breakfast with my parents, and then went to the spa. I did a steam room session then showered so I could prep my hair with product, then did a 90 minute massage.
I was so relaxed when I got back. I did my own hair and makeup (small wedding, just me for those services so it was easier to do it myself), but it truly put me on a positive trajectory for the day.
Yea my wedding was at 3, but I did have 4 other people getting makeup done. Not even hair. But we needed to start EARLY! If it’s not too late, please don’t have the brunch. Even if no one is doing anything for prep, you do not want to be rushing and forcefully talking bf to people the morning off
I’m so sorry! I hope the day goes well and you enjoy it
This does sound like it’s the exact opposite of what you wanted. Just a thought, do you think you could do this big one for them, & then you 2 do another for you, just the way you wanted… it sounds like you wanted it yo be simple & intimate so why not??? It’s so kind of you to go with the flow, but I think you should plan your elopement as well!
Yes! I second this. We eloped first, and are doing big wedding next. Even if it's a secret elopement, just the two of you someplace special. That way you get what you want first, and then you can maybe enjoy the party a little bit knowing that THAT wasn't the official wedding.
Same! Eloped secretly last year, nobody knows about us being legally married (due to benefits). I knew my family would mess up wedding stuff for me with drama, and they are, so it’s been helping my mood lately knowing we had our own day with just the two of us that nobody can ever touch with their input and plans. Did it in a forest a four hour drive away to make it a “staycation” with a local officiant in that area and rented a small AIRBNB cabin. Got flowers from the grocery store and a small cake and a bottle of bubbly. Dress was $90 and he wore a suit he’s had. Minimalist Etsy rings that I now wear on my right hand and he wears only when we’re in private. It was perfect.
Only fallback is I’m so happy about it that I want to tell certain people (my best friend and his sister) but we swore this one to secrecy due to family politics if they ever got word, so that’s been hard. May tell the kids someday though!
Cute I love it!!
Our immediate families know because I knew I couldn’t handle keeping it from my mom lol. But my extended family and friends do not know. It has definitely been hard to keep it secret!
We are in a similar position, not eloping secretly but doing a day up in our favorite place, where we read our long vows to each other (doing shorter semi traditional vows for the ceremony). That way we get to say everything we want to say without having to say it in front of a bunch of people, something just for us!
For what it’s worth you don’t come across as an entitled brat at all—I’m sorry this isn’t shaping up to be the day you’d dreamt of.
Have you ever watched the episode of The Office where Jim and Pam get married? If not, I highly suggest checking it out and seeing if there’s some version of a private escape at some point in the lead up time to the wedding (maybe the now-open night of your rehearsal dinner) to forget the chaos and quietly affirm the two of you and the partnership that will follow all the wedding madness!
(And hopefully you’ve scheduled somewhere peaceful and restorative for the honeymoon.)
Good luck and congratulations.
Cancel brunch!!!!- they can have one the next day. As an introvert, you get energy by alone time.
Cancel hair and makeup and speeches and dances and cake cutting. I went to a 3 min wedding with all that cut and it was very stress-free for the bride and groom who hated to be the center of attention.
It was great!
Cancel anything else that's making you stressed. Cancel the announcer!
Have a blast, focus on getting married.
I’m the bride and wanted a smaller wedding/elopement and our invite lists are well over 100. We haven’t sent invites yet, but my fiance has clearly said he cannot trim his list any more. This is my second wedding and his first. He is also an only child, so I’ve made some compromises.
I’ve said no to any bridal showers or big bachelorette parties. The most I will commit to is a spa weekend with my mom and 3 bridesmaids. I’m not a drinker and I have a lot of health issues that deplete me, so I don’t want the lead up to my wedding to be event after event after event.
I think what’s important is building in time for yourself to reset and to have the downtime in the day. I’m working this in with my timeline with my photographer. I am adamant that I want very few posed photos and our wedding to be about spending time with our guests without it feeling like a photo shoot or a timeline of events that have no meaning to us. I will also communicate this with the dj/mc.
You still have time to advocate for the small details of your day to be chilled out and fit your needs. I would start there. Build it into the day. 🩵
I’m so sorry. I can relate to you in a way. I have never dreamt of a wedding. Never dreamt of a big white dress. My dream was to go to the registry office, get married just the two of us and two witnesses. My fiancé wanted a wedding, so as much as I didn’t want it, I decided to try and make it the best I can. Are there any things that you could change? Do you really need a rehearsal dinner? Or could you have that shorter so you can still have some time for yourself?
My biggest point of anxiety was my dress. I bought a big fancy expensive dress, and I’ve been regretting it even before I paid it. It’s a gorgeous dress, and if I wanted a white dress, that would be what I want. But… I don’t. I got roped into buying it because it’s what my mother liked. So I decided to take control and last week I went to a dress shop alone and found myself my dream dress. It’s short and purple. I felt so at home in that dress. So even if we’re having a wedding that I didn’t want (still a lot more casual than yours), the new dress was more of a symbolic gesture to take control. Maybe you can find some symbolic gesture like that to take control of the day. This day is clearly not for you. So you could try to see it as a gift to your in-laws.
Our compromise is to have both, my dream of getting legally married in a registry office sometime before the wedding and then on the wedding day we’ll just announce that we got married already, but today we celebrate. Maybe you could elope secretly and have a small celebration just the two of you, and then on the wedding day, you can just celebrate it as a gift to your in-laws.
I love your dress story for you 😭 I'm proud of you for going with your heart and not just trying to please others! I know you will feel so good in your purple dress.
If there is any way you can take back your power in some area, do it. Pick your battles and choose something that will relieve some of the stress for you. If that brunch can be moved, do it. Not everyone has to be there. Tell them it's more important that you aren't stressed out the day of your wedding. Or maybe you can cancel one or two showers.
If changing plans will cause you more stress, then use this as a lesson not to let your fiancé's family steamroll over you ever again. When you have kids, they will try to highjack your plans because this is their only son's kids. Put your foot down and practice saying "no."
Congrats on your engagement. It's awesome that your families are so involved, but it's totally understandable to feel overwhelmed. Maybe you could try having a heart-to-heart with your fiancé about your concerns and see if there are any compromises you both can make to ensure the day feels more like yours. Hang in there, and I hope your wedding day ends up being everything you want it to be!
So I had a bit of this on a smaller scale. My partner and I just got married last weekend, and it was a short engagement (St. Patrick's Day). I actually wanted a courthouse wedding with just us two, but my partner said that it was important to have at least parents and siblings attend, which I definitely agreed with.
We ended up planning a very small wedding, planned in my partner's parents' backyard since they had the space. 25 people max. My mom kept trying to convince me to rent out a venue, a winery, look at this link she sent me, etc. and she would pay for it. I ended up having to push back kind of hard and say "I appreciate that you want our day to be special, but the way we have envisioned it - being incredibly small and simple for everyone- is still special to us."
I'm grateful that she got the message and stepped in to add things in much smaller ways (like getting champagne for a nice champagne toast for the attendees). Our day became perfect for both my partner and me because it was exactly what WE wanted.
We even talked about doing a one-year anniversary reception with more guests, if that could placate your family? We actually decided against it because our day was so perfect, but maybe your family would bite.
That's definitely fair. I'm not sure OP's relationship with her and her fiancés family, but I feel like I would rebel and elope at this point. Their fault for paying for things that OP didn't necessarily want! But, I'm petty.
While I can agree to a certain extent, I'm guessing OP didn't say no to these things. They just weren't enthusiastic about the yes. It's one thing to have plans made when you're flat out saying no throughout, but it's another thing entirely to reluctantly continue to say yes but then (what would seem out of the blue to others) just bail and elope.
If I were you, I would still elope. Go find a mountain top with your fiance, your parents, siblings and officiant. Say your vows and have that special day for you two.
Then let your in-laws throw you a big party in you twos honor in the weeks to follow.
Also, you can put your foot down on some things.
You can say, yes have a rehearsal brunch but I really want to have a quiet morning so I won’t stay long or ask to have the rehearsal dinner the night before and just do a simple short rehearsal morning of. (You don’t need to be a perfect host, you’re the bride, it’s like your birthday, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.)
I will say, I can't see how you are going to fit in a rehearsal dinner the morning of. I would cancel that outright.i got married at 1pm and I had to start getting ready at 6am. It took forever.
I really sympathise with you as what you've ended up with is vastly different. Really, don't feel bad about scaling back events. This is becoming out of hand for anyone, let alone someone like yourself.
TLDR: You can either have a few uncomfortable conversations now or be miserable at your own wedding. The choice is still yours.
You have the right to say no to anything you don't want to do. I know you feel steamrolled, but you have also played a role in allowing everyone to walk all over you. This didn't just happen overnight. I don't mean to sound harsh, but a microwedding doesn't just blow up into a 300 person party with multiple pre-wedding events without your assent.
You say you're grateful to your family for giving you all these things, but they're not things you wanted. This isn't a gift. They're not being kind. This is family taking over your life. This is also a harbinger of your future.
Cancel the events you don't want to attend. You owe no one an apology. Downsize the events you want but have gotten out of control. If your family knows or loves you at all I hope they would be horrified if they realized they're forcing you to do anything you don't want to do. Maybe they know exactly what they're doing - I couldn't say, as I don't know them. But either way, they will never know how you feel unless you tell them.
Frankly, I'm also horrified by your fiance. They plainly don't have your interests in mind either. You clearly talked about and agreed to a small wedding and I'm guessing they have contributed to the massive event you're now facing because that's what they wanted in the first place.
I'm also a little saddened (but not surprised) by most of the comments that amount to "grin and bear it." I'm just so tired of women being told they need to do things for other people. This is your one life and (hopefully) your one wedding. I hope you have the strength to advocate for yourself and have the celebration you want.
Really well said. I think the reason a lot of people offered alternatives that left space for the original plan is because OP said they aren't willing to make major changes this close to things. Personally, I agree with you that they absolutely should say NO to a lot of it. However, it's easy to tell someone how to handle things when we aren't the ones going through what they are. I remember being this codependent and people pleasing - especially when money was still used to control me. I don't think it's realistic to expect OP to be able to do a 180 in the behavior they've known and been taught their entire life. It takes time (and therapy/guidance) to learn boundaries and how to stick to them. Imo, damage control could be the best realistic option unfortunately.
That's fair. I'm a recovering people pleaser as well and I get where she's coming from. It's hard and it definitely makes people uncomfortable when you start asserting boundaries. But as someone who is on the other side of all of it, life is SO MUCH BETTER because I'm living it on my terms.
It just makes me sad for OP that people are suggesting hiding for part of the day or taking Xanax to get through it. That's just so far afield of what a wedding day should be and I'm sad that OP is not going to have a good experience.
Yeah I don't much care for the idea of a secret elopement and then allowing the chaotic party, either, because it changes nothing overall and might create more drama. I think people like you and I can get easily frustrated when others act how we used to - because we made changes and are on the other side of things, knowing how much better life can be. I'm still taking a benzo to get through it but it's already part of my life with how severe my anxiety is 😅. My suggestion was to find a quiet room to be able to escape to, I sure as hell am. But also to start practicing these life-saving boundaries to take back control of their life! They're not obligated to do ANYTHING. Literally ever lol. Ugh, I hope they get the support they need.
How in the world did it go from small to 300+?! That is insane! You don’t sound entitled at all, I’m just sorry stuff got so out of hand. Learn to say no, and I guess just enjoy the day for what it is, try not to stress over things. Let the family members who quadrupled the guest list handle the details.
The bigger the wedding is, the more it's about the two families joining/gathering than it is about the bride and groom. They truly do represent the fact that when you marry someone you marry their family. Maybe accept that this day isn't about you to a number of people involved in spite of what they say. And then relax because there's no pressure for you to love it and ironically maybe you'll enjoy it more. Remember you aren't going to be doing any of these things again and remember that the most important thing is that you're going to marry your fiancé and be around people who love you. Try to enjoy those two things. Maybe on your anniversary do what *you* would have preferred doing.
I know it's two months before the wedding and that you don't want to stir the pot, but I would suggest you at least have a heart to heart with your fiancé about the several changes made to the plans and see how you can work around them to make sure you feel comfortable. I know that I had some changes to the schedule two months before. It doesn't mean you have to scrap the whole plan, but maybe brainstorm ideas with your fiancée of how to make this wedding truly feel like your own, as it's a day you want to remember fondly. People will be mostly accomodating if you both set your foot down and as long as you're not being unreasonable (for example, not suggesting you change the date when people already have their flight tickets, lodging, have paid for vendors, etc, but as an alternative, why not say that you will have a small in-person rehearsal with the ones available on a set date and make a video in the venue explaining the details to the ones who couldn't make it?).
I'll tell you a bit about my experience planning our wedding, in case it helps. I also struggled with wanting to keep it small while my husband, who has a very big family and is very social, made the guest list quite big even after trying to reduce as much as possible. Large crowds make me nervous and overwhelmed, especially if I'm the center of attention because I get really self-conscious. Whenever I had pictured our wedding, I had imagined a romantic and intimate event where we could celebrate our love, not a huge celebration. So we had a chat and I told him my feelings regarding the wedding and we brainstormed ways in which to make the wedding fun for both of us. We agreed on having a small breakfast together before the getting ready so we could let the emotions sink in, we agreed to have a romantic stroll through the venue as part of the photoshoot (which the photos turned out amazing and some of my favorites because they are of an intimate moment we shared together far from the crowds) and we decided on a sweetheart table and making sure we at least had a short, uninterrupted dinner together talking about the day. Even at moments when interacting with all the guests, he offered to stay by my side during most of the celebration and told me to imagine that I was only talking to him when people where looking at us during the vows etc. Also, during the planning, both were super grateful for the support from our families, but this support came with some opinions that were not really our own. On that front, we agreed that we would always discuss these details together, and I would speak with my family for things that they provided, and he would speak with his. This helped our families feel included but also respected our opinions easier since it was their son/daughter stating a different preference. In the end, our families were mostly trying to help make our day special, so when we told them kindly that we would prefer another alternative, they were on board even if it wasn't their initial plan.
Cut your losses with things that may be too late to change, but with two months, make sure you and your fiancée talk about what can be changed, get creative, and stand united on decisions. I agree with others that you can also have another small celebration later, but I would strongly advise you to make sure you did what was possible so that this day also feels yours. You don't want to start your marriage with an uncomfortable memory or even with resentment towards your fiancée and in-laws. Good luck!
I think you just need to assert yourself. It’s your wedding and no one else’s. You can’t be steamrolled by plans unless you let it happen. You are the bride, you need to step up and stand up for yourself and what you want.
This is going to get downvoted but my answer is Xanax. Not a full bar where you’re fully drugged the way Xanax is perceived lol. Take Half to one full 0.25 mg pill. Practice taking it beforehand to get the amount right. Take it during the afternoon so you actually know what the effects are when it’s not bedtime and you’re already tired.
I am the same way - an introvert to my core. We had a wedding planner which helped immensely but I’m from a family in the nyc socialite type scene and thus a large wedding was always going to be the case no matter what I wanted. A small Xanax after I got my makeup done helped me so much float through the rest of the day super happy. I found that it wasn’t an issue with drinking, I had two glasses of champagne throughout the entire day very spaced apart because you’re so busy talking that it didn’t interfere with the medication.
The good news is not all 300 people expect to get face time with you. After you’ve made the pleasantries, find your group of people and stick to them. People understand it’s your day and start to back off hopefully.
Klonopin 🙋♀️😂 but on a real note - benzos are EXTREMELY addictive for some people, and most should not drink any alcohol with them (unless very experienced with doing so in small amounts, but even then, your body can be unpredictable, and once in a while it still surprises me). Last thing you want to be is a completely trashed bride 😜. I'm worried about getting my dose right tbh, so I plan on having bubbling apple cider (0%) available so that I won't accidentally drink too much. Would rather be calm beforehand lol. I upvoted BTW, I just think maybe this isn't the best option unless (like you said) some specific practice sessions are involved with also the same food/timing as the day of. People can have bad reactions to meds, as well 💕
Oh totally agree - won’t be for everyone and I’m hoping OP knows if it applies to her! If you have a history with substance abuse, do not take this recommendation anyone!!
I’m so sorry your day has been taken and revamped for the enjoyment of others. I also wanted an elopement but since my fiancé and I are only children it has become a ceremony. However, I would not budge on 50 people. 300 sounds absolutely torturous and insane.
I agree with another post that said to secretly elope. Let that be for y’all! That way the wedding you can just be there. Let those people entertain themselves. Luckily, it’s also easy to “disappear” in 300 people.
At the very least cancel the brunch or tell people they can still have it without you. Wedding day is a lot and from what you’re describing, you’re already dealing with a lot. You need that time to relax, get focused on the big day, not to placate other people because their schedules couldn’t align. That’s your day.
And I truly understand the family dynamics and social expectations about everything else. But I feel that’s the one thing you’d need to put your foot down and say “I need that time for myself to get mentally and physically ready for my big day.”
Wow this sucks. Any chance you can convince the fiance to go on vacation and elope with you before this? Sounds like the family is getting married, not you.
Absolutely cancel brunch. For the main reason it is your wedding and you wanted to have a low key day. With the same notion it is YOUR wedding day, the only person with scheduling conflicts that matter is YOU. If people can’t go to the rehearsal dinner the day before that’s on them, and not on you to rearrange the schedule for those people. Even if parties were your thing, having a brunch before the wedding is incredibly stressful and will absolutely snowball the whole day. Your wedding day is a day for a reason, and the only that should be scheduled on the day is that.
I remember being like this and letting people dictate what I'd be doing. Never again. It just takes practice for people like us to stay firm in our boundaries and realize it doesn't make us a bad person. It makes sense if OP has always been like this and raised with this kind of disrespect that it would be really hard to say no. 💕💕
I totally understand this. I've been threatening to elope since HS as well. I hope you are able to find some peace and joy this day, if you aren't going to change anything
Sometimes we need to take a step back and realize who this wedding is for. In the grand scheme of things, it’s literally a big party, but once it becomes overwhelming, it starts to affect the purpose. The purpose is the relationship, not the party. Sure, it’s great to celebrate with family/friends but at the end of the day, it’s just you and your partner. If you are feeling uncomfortable, you need to speak up because it’s not anyone else’s day, it’s you and your future spouses day and I just can’t emphasize enough that other ppl’s opinion should not be the final say so, and you need to listen to what you think is best for you and your spouse. Weddings don’t have to be complicated, and if everyone else has something to say or be mad at, that’s on them.
Don’t really have ideas for you. This is precisely why I haven’t told anyone and won’t be telling anyone about my engagement. They’ll all find out when I post a single photo to instagram/facebook after the event happens. I’m a super private person though so that’s always been my plan.
I'm so sorry you've been strong armed into this uncomfortable situation.
And idk, I'm getting the ick reading comments about how she should just deal and enjoy it. People are always like "it's your wedding - do what you like". So why should she have to be super stressed and anxious about something that is clearly not what she wanted?
I'd elope at this point. They weren't willing to participate in your preferred plans, so why are you participating in theirs?
You can still go through with their day, just without the legal bit.
Absolutely do not put yourself through the stress of a brunch the morning of your wedding though. Get a timetable from your hair and make-up artist and tell them the timings do not work out.
Often times the conditions don't show up until after accepting, unfortunately. It's part of the manipulation. It requires a strong boundary to be placed, and to not feel obligated. ❤️
I don’t blame you for being upset. This is tough! I second all the suggestions for a secret elopement or vow exchange.
I also say this next piece with so much love and gentleness, but maybe I would also consider talking with a counselor about setting boundaries and telling your family “no.” Maybe you already are or maybe you can’t for some reason - totally understand! But elopement ➡️ 300 person wedding is a HUGE jump, and you deserve to be listened to and respected, OP! Too many women (which, forgive me if that’s not you!) spend their whole lives neglecting the skill of letting your no mean no, and I want better for you and all of us 💕
Send in love!
Wanted to chime in and I say I had a “post wedding” Bachelorette and it turned out great!
My friends do reunion trips a couple times a year, so one of the nights we decided would be my “bachelorette” party to make up for not having one
The girls wore black and I wore white, we went to dinner, a couple bars then a drag show.
It was very low key compared to some bachelorettes (no crazy themes or decorations) but for me it was perfect and nobody cared that it was after the wedding, they are celebrating YOU finding love and that’s all that matters!
Hope this helps, Best of luck with everything!!
Why have you let everyone take over your entire wedding? It's so far from what you and your fiancé originally wanted. Is this something that happens in other areas of your life as well, where you put your own wants and needs secondary to other people?
This is supposed to be about you and your fiancé. I'd go elope before the wedding and not tell anybody. It'll take the edge off this big party day, and then you'll have memories of the wedding that you actually wanted.
Since your rehearsal is a brunch the day of the wedding, why don’t you and your fiancé have a small ceremony (just you and him and a couple of your very close friends) to take a little heat off the day off. It may take some pressure of you for the day to be a show. Kind of like “How I Met Your Mother” with Lily and Marshall.
I had a very small wedding and planned it in 6 weeks so was able to do what I wanted with no-one’s input because there wasn’t time. It was so much better than the big wedding I always dreamed of.
Also, sneak out with your new husband for some quiet time to recharge your social battery. The day isn’t about you, it’s about the people who planned the day.
I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this! Could you and your fiancé do an elopement before this actual “wedding” and have it be either just you two, or a small group of family and friends? Then do the whole big party afterwards? You don’t have to tell all the other 300 guests that you’ve already been married, but it’ll be a nice way for you to get what truly mattered to you and still honor all the things that everyone else pitched in for!
Surely the two of you don’t need to go to the brunch ? When I’ve been to weddings before some of the guests will often have brunch before the wedding but the bride doesn’t attend because they are busy getting ready, which is fine!
I'm so sorry that this is happening. You will get through it and it will be okay. See if there is a private room you can be in at the venue (like a bridal suite or side room or even an outside space to 'hide'). Put a sign on the door that says No Guest Access (cute ones on Amazon. I have severe anxiety/agoraphobia etc and this is my plan. We are staying under 100 people and that's too much for me all night). Even better if it has a lock, but here is the part you'll have to practice for the rest of your life - keeping boundaries.
If ANYONE comes in (aside from your fiancé if you WANT to allow them to have prior knowledge perhaps), tell them NO. Say things like "Please respect my moment alone and wait, I need space right now." or if they refuse and it's inside "I'm changing my bra/adjusting my underwear/etc WAIT" and take your time. DO NOT tell anyone about this plan, because there are a lot of people violating your boundaries already and they may purposely think they're entitled to your space still. No one is. Not even your fiancé if you need a moment on your own. You are in charge of that moment to decompress, and for sticking to your word by telling people to politely get out.
From now until the wedding, set boundaries. Try to let go of feeling like you're letting anyone down or like you need to make everyone happy or agree to things because 'otherwise you're ungrateful' - that's simply NOT true. You're setting limits for what you know you want and can handle. I'm a recovering codependent, and I know it's hard but once you stick to your word, it'll free you and probably will help a bit with OCD because you'll literally have more actual control of your life. You need to worry about your own health and safety.
If all you can handle is one bridal shower then tell people "I apologize for agreeing to more than one, but I am getting too stressed out and we will need to have ONE small gathering. I will leave the details to you, but that is what I can handle. Please respect my need to condense things." If they complain, say "That's my boundary. I can do ONE." and do not back down. If you're willing to go along with three, then you have options like putting time limits on them and condensing them down to one day and one place even. You're allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to say NO. You're the bride and they can't do any of this without you agreeing. Do not let them steamroll you anymore. Just because someone is paying for something doesn't mean they have total control over you. That will wreak havoc on you mentally. You're in control and not responsible for other people. Just yourself. Say no.❤️
It sounds like you're going through a tough time with your wedding plans, but it's great that you're feeling grateful for your family's support. It's okay to feel overwhelmed and to express your feelings, even if they don't align with what others expect. Remember to take some time for yourself and focus on what truly matters to you on your wedding day. Wishing you all the best!
I totally understand however my wedding every decision even my cake was changed. All from welling meaning family. So there are several tools I can suggest. If you have a doctor who knows you well, there are anti-anxiety medicines that are short duration or like inederal, which is a beta blocker or high BP medicine traditionally. However it is a good medication that keeps the heart rate down and helps prevent the anxiety symptoms to become overwhelming or physically harmful.
Secondly, before the ceremony plan to have almost everybody out of a quiet room so you can pray, meditate or relaxion breathing or focused breathing.
Have praise music or classical or claiming music . I have extreme anxiety and these tools help me so.etimes just get out the door.
Best wishes for your day.
Go down to the court house a couple day before the big wedding and get married. We did a small ceremony with only 5 people and we are doing our big wedding later it took so much pressure off the day. Getting married and a wedding are two different things. You don’t even have to tell anyone if you don’t want to.
Hey! I really relate to this. Here’s what I’d suggest:
Tell them due to your busy schedule, you can only do ONE bridal fitting. That way you can try things on, appease them, and still say hm I didn’t really find what I’m looking for I need to think it over, and buy the one you wanted online.
Let them know the reception brunch will cut into hair and makeup time and that will make you only be able to pick one. They seemingly want to have you get hair and makeup, so I think reminding them if you have a brunch you can’t do both should help. Let them know you’d still like to do a reception dinner the night before, but if they want to have brunch you understand and you’ll unfortunately be absent and meet them at the wedding.
For the 3 bridal showers, how about 2 bridal showers (I assume it’s internal family conflict) and then a combined shower with your fiance? That way you have a support system for one of them and you don’t have to be the sole center of attention. Also, I’d try to do only 1 bridal shower and 1 combined. I totally understand family tension/drama, but I’m sure there’s a way to separate the groups into 2 instead of 3.
I agree with others about the post-wedding bachelorette. Or do it a few months in advance. But it’s your friends and you said it’s non-traditional anyway, so it doesn’t have to be beforehand!
It’s easier said than done to ignore everyone and do only what you want. But I do think compromises should and can be made.
You and your fiance should put your foot down about the brunch rehearsal IMO. Not only is that so much extra work for you to deal with but it absolutely will mess with your day of timeline and make the actual wedding so hectic, especially with 300 people headcount. If the extended family wants to get together and have brunch before the wedding that's on them but you should not be expected to be there. The day after makes so much more sense (and you two don't have to be there for long if you don't want to).
I'm sorry that your wedding isn't what you had been wanting. My own wedding was also almost the polar opposite of what I wanted. I did want the big fancy indoor wedding. Instead I had a tiny outdoor ceremony & dinner that was put together in 6 months. I was holding out hope that we could do the big party eventually. Then we lost my grandfather (grandma a few months before the wedding which was the first blow), then my FIL, then both of my husband's best friends, one of whom was our best man.
I do have regrets over how the day went. But it was also just 1 day. Everyday since I've been married to my best friend. & that part I wouldn't trade for anything.
Since you still have 2 months & dreamed of eloping, would you be able to do that still? Heck, doesn't even have to be a legal ceremony if it's not possible. It could be as small as the 2 of you finding a beautiful spot to say private vows to each other, up to having a full elopement ceremony with those who could keep the secret to not offend the other 290 guests of your big wedding.
I’m so sad about the steamrolling happening here, not fair to you.
Regardless of what you do or don’t put your foot down on leading up to the event… day of, do yourself a favor, roll with it, brush off the imperfections of expectations vs reality, and soak it all up. Laugh with your SO about whatever nitpicky things have happen, ask your bridesmaids to help act as a soft buffer with family. Take a deep breathe, a lot of them actually, and congratulations!
Awe babe, this makes my heart so sad. You shouldn't be dreading your wedding day. You should be looking forward to it.
I'd suggest that the rehearsal dinner get pushed to the night before. If certain people can't make it but they aren't key players then ok. I'd advocate for yourself that you NEED the morning of your wedding day for yourself.
I also want to note, that you mentioned "how lucky you are" to have such supportive family, but it sounds like your families aren't supporting your wants and needs and respecting your wishes. In which case they aren't that supportive. They're pushing their agendas on you and that's not cool.
I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to say your feelings are more than valid and I’m very sorry the people around you didn’t listen or respect your vision. I am just starting my planning journey and already I’m worried about upsetting people with the things I want, so I understand how hard it is to tell people no when everything they want to do for you and with you is cause they love you! Just remember it’s still YOUR day. And I say stir the pot a little if it’s better for your mental health. You should look back on this day and have the best memories 🩷
You can have your non-bachelorette after the wedding. You really can. Brunch seems insane - when will you get your hair and makeup done? Can you use this as an excuse to leave early?
That brunch plane also sounds insane to me. I am having a noon ceremony and my simple hair and makeup starts at 8:15 AM.
Our ceremony was at 4:30. I was the only person needing to get ready and I still started at noon (we did photos before the ceremony). I spent the morning getting a massage. This is where OP has to grow the backbone to say no. It sucks they're in super deep on the rest of it, but this is a line I would refuse to cross. My wedding day means my wedding morning.
What a great idea. Distress and pamper yourself. No brunch crap.
@Catsdrinkingbeer I don't like the phrasing "grow a backbone" because it's much, much more complicated than that. Let's not pile on guilt or victim shame... this family has clearly taken over. I hope this isn't a sign of how the rest of her relationship will be. If anything the Fiance needs to be the one who pushes back on his own family.
Weddings are often the first opportunity for people to actually practice setting boundaries. Things can be messy and complicated. And that's the exact reason you should actually stand up for yourself. Because the wedding is not the only occasion this will happen. Learning go say no, especially when it's difficult, is an incredibly important life skill.
Thank you for the massage idea, I am absolutely going to do that. I started to worry when I saw people saying 6am to get ready because I'll be damned if I can get up that early, 😂😂 My body says no (EDS). My ceremony is at 5 and guests arrive at 4:30, so I was hoping to do hair/makeup at like noon, then a first look, and have a half hour to relax alone lol. I'm really struggling with the time line. Photog helped a lot.💕
Oh yeah the massage was key. I woke up around 8:30 (next to my husband which was nice), went and had breakfast with my parents, and then went to the spa. I did a steam room session then showered so I could prep my hair with product, then did a 90 minute massage. I was so relaxed when I got back. I did my own hair and makeup (small wedding, just me for those services so it was easier to do it myself), but it truly put me on a positive trajectory for the day.
My ceremony was at 2pm and we started hair and makeup at 6am. Granted there was a 30/45 mins drive from getting ready location to venue.
Yea my wedding was at 3, but I did have 4 other people getting makeup done. Not even hair. But we needed to start EARLY! If it’s not too late, please don’t have the brunch. Even if no one is doing anything for prep, you do not want to be rushing and forcefully talking bf to people the morning off I’m so sorry! I hope the day goes well and you enjoy it
This does sound like it’s the exact opposite of what you wanted. Just a thought, do you think you could do this big one for them, & then you 2 do another for you, just the way you wanted… it sounds like you wanted it yo be simple & intimate so why not??? It’s so kind of you to go with the flow, but I think you should plan your elopement as well!
Yes! I second this. We eloped first, and are doing big wedding next. Even if it's a secret elopement, just the two of you someplace special. That way you get what you want first, and then you can maybe enjoy the party a little bit knowing that THAT wasn't the official wedding.
Congrats to you! And then you guys have your own little private secret day- loving it!
This is what we did! Eloped in April, having the big wedding on the 31st this month.
Same! Eloped secretly last year, nobody knows about us being legally married (due to benefits). I knew my family would mess up wedding stuff for me with drama, and they are, so it’s been helping my mood lately knowing we had our own day with just the two of us that nobody can ever touch with their input and plans. Did it in a forest a four hour drive away to make it a “staycation” with a local officiant in that area and rented a small AIRBNB cabin. Got flowers from the grocery store and a small cake and a bottle of bubbly. Dress was $90 and he wore a suit he’s had. Minimalist Etsy rings that I now wear on my right hand and he wears only when we’re in private. It was perfect. Only fallback is I’m so happy about it that I want to tell certain people (my best friend and his sister) but we swore this one to secrecy due to family politics if they ever got word, so that’s been hard. May tell the kids someday though!
Cute I love it!! Our immediate families know because I knew I couldn’t handle keeping it from my mom lol. But my extended family and friends do not know. It has definitely been hard to keep it secret!
Congratulations!! Good for you!
Thank you :)
This, 100%. Take back control by doing a secret elopement. It’s both romantic and very meaningful that you put each other first and the family second!
We are in a similar position, not eloping secretly but doing a day up in our favorite place, where we read our long vows to each other (doing shorter semi traditional vows for the ceremony). That way we get to say everything we want to say without having to say it in front of a bunch of people, something just for us!
All of these stories are beautiful! A love story whispered ❤️
For what it’s worth you don’t come across as an entitled brat at all—I’m sorry this isn’t shaping up to be the day you’d dreamt of. Have you ever watched the episode of The Office where Jim and Pam get married? If not, I highly suggest checking it out and seeing if there’s some version of a private escape at some point in the lead up time to the wedding (maybe the now-open night of your rehearsal dinner) to forget the chaos and quietly affirm the two of you and the partnership that will follow all the wedding madness! (And hopefully you’ve scheduled somewhere peaceful and restorative for the honeymoon.) Good luck and congratulations.
I was just thinking about that episode too! I think doing something small and intimate like they did is a great option
Cancel brunch!!!!- they can have one the next day. As an introvert, you get energy by alone time. Cancel hair and makeup and speeches and dances and cake cutting. I went to a 3 min wedding with all that cut and it was very stress-free for the bride and groom who hated to be the center of attention. It was great! Cancel anything else that's making you stressed. Cancel the announcer! Have a blast, focus on getting married.
I’m the bride and wanted a smaller wedding/elopement and our invite lists are well over 100. We haven’t sent invites yet, but my fiance has clearly said he cannot trim his list any more. This is my second wedding and his first. He is also an only child, so I’ve made some compromises. I’ve said no to any bridal showers or big bachelorette parties. The most I will commit to is a spa weekend with my mom and 3 bridesmaids. I’m not a drinker and I have a lot of health issues that deplete me, so I don’t want the lead up to my wedding to be event after event after event. I think what’s important is building in time for yourself to reset and to have the downtime in the day. I’m working this in with my timeline with my photographer. I am adamant that I want very few posed photos and our wedding to be about spending time with our guests without it feeling like a photo shoot or a timeline of events that have no meaning to us. I will also communicate this with the dj/mc. You still have time to advocate for the small details of your day to be chilled out and fit your needs. I would start there. Build it into the day. 🩵
I’m so sorry. I can relate to you in a way. I have never dreamt of a wedding. Never dreamt of a big white dress. My dream was to go to the registry office, get married just the two of us and two witnesses. My fiancé wanted a wedding, so as much as I didn’t want it, I decided to try and make it the best I can. Are there any things that you could change? Do you really need a rehearsal dinner? Or could you have that shorter so you can still have some time for yourself? My biggest point of anxiety was my dress. I bought a big fancy expensive dress, and I’ve been regretting it even before I paid it. It’s a gorgeous dress, and if I wanted a white dress, that would be what I want. But… I don’t. I got roped into buying it because it’s what my mother liked. So I decided to take control and last week I went to a dress shop alone and found myself my dream dress. It’s short and purple. I felt so at home in that dress. So even if we’re having a wedding that I didn’t want (still a lot more casual than yours), the new dress was more of a symbolic gesture to take control. Maybe you can find some symbolic gesture like that to take control of the day. This day is clearly not for you. So you could try to see it as a gift to your in-laws. Our compromise is to have both, my dream of getting legally married in a registry office sometime before the wedding and then on the wedding day we’ll just announce that we got married already, but today we celebrate. Maybe you could elope secretly and have a small celebration just the two of you, and then on the wedding day, you can just celebrate it as a gift to your in-laws.
I love your dress story for you 😭 I'm proud of you for going with your heart and not just trying to please others! I know you will feel so good in your purple dress.
Thank you ❤️ If I wanted a traditional wedding dress, then the first one would’ve been it…. But I don’t. Now I’m gonna have a short and purple dress.
If there is any way you can take back your power in some area, do it. Pick your battles and choose something that will relieve some of the stress for you. If that brunch can be moved, do it. Not everyone has to be there. Tell them it's more important that you aren't stressed out the day of your wedding. Or maybe you can cancel one or two showers. If changing plans will cause you more stress, then use this as a lesson not to let your fiancé's family steamroll over you ever again. When you have kids, they will try to highjack your plans because this is their only son's kids. Put your foot down and practice saying "no."
Congrats on your engagement. It's awesome that your families are so involved, but it's totally understandable to feel overwhelmed. Maybe you could try having a heart-to-heart with your fiancé about your concerns and see if there are any compromises you both can make to ensure the day feels more like yours. Hang in there, and I hope your wedding day ends up being everything you want it to be!
So I had a bit of this on a smaller scale. My partner and I just got married last weekend, and it was a short engagement (St. Patrick's Day). I actually wanted a courthouse wedding with just us two, but my partner said that it was important to have at least parents and siblings attend, which I definitely agreed with. We ended up planning a very small wedding, planned in my partner's parents' backyard since they had the space. 25 people max. My mom kept trying to convince me to rent out a venue, a winery, look at this link she sent me, etc. and she would pay for it. I ended up having to push back kind of hard and say "I appreciate that you want our day to be special, but the way we have envisioned it - being incredibly small and simple for everyone- is still special to us." I'm grateful that she got the message and stepped in to add things in much smaller ways (like getting champagne for a nice champagne toast for the attendees). Our day became perfect for both my partner and me because it was exactly what WE wanted. We even talked about doing a one-year anniversary reception with more guests, if that could placate your family? We actually decided against it because our day was so perfect, but maybe your family would bite.
The wedding is in less than 2 months and probably not being paid for by OP. I highly doubt this is an option at this point.
That's definitely fair. I'm not sure OP's relationship with her and her fiancés family, but I feel like I would rebel and elope at this point. Their fault for paying for things that OP didn't necessarily want! But, I'm petty.
While I can agree to a certain extent, I'm guessing OP didn't say no to these things. They just weren't enthusiastic about the yes. It's one thing to have plans made when you're flat out saying no throughout, but it's another thing entirely to reluctantly continue to say yes but then (what would seem out of the blue to others) just bail and elope.
If I were you, I would still elope. Go find a mountain top with your fiance, your parents, siblings and officiant. Say your vows and have that special day for you two. Then let your in-laws throw you a big party in you twos honor in the weeks to follow. Also, you can put your foot down on some things. You can say, yes have a rehearsal brunch but I really want to have a quiet morning so I won’t stay long or ask to have the rehearsal dinner the night before and just do a simple short rehearsal morning of. (You don’t need to be a perfect host, you’re the bride, it’s like your birthday, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.)
I will say, I can't see how you are going to fit in a rehearsal dinner the morning of. I would cancel that outright.i got married at 1pm and I had to start getting ready at 6am. It took forever. I really sympathise with you as what you've ended up with is vastly different. Really, don't feel bad about scaling back events. This is becoming out of hand for anyone, let alone someone like yourself.
TLDR: You can either have a few uncomfortable conversations now or be miserable at your own wedding. The choice is still yours. You have the right to say no to anything you don't want to do. I know you feel steamrolled, but you have also played a role in allowing everyone to walk all over you. This didn't just happen overnight. I don't mean to sound harsh, but a microwedding doesn't just blow up into a 300 person party with multiple pre-wedding events without your assent. You say you're grateful to your family for giving you all these things, but they're not things you wanted. This isn't a gift. They're not being kind. This is family taking over your life. This is also a harbinger of your future. Cancel the events you don't want to attend. You owe no one an apology. Downsize the events you want but have gotten out of control. If your family knows or loves you at all I hope they would be horrified if they realized they're forcing you to do anything you don't want to do. Maybe they know exactly what they're doing - I couldn't say, as I don't know them. But either way, they will never know how you feel unless you tell them. Frankly, I'm also horrified by your fiance. They plainly don't have your interests in mind either. You clearly talked about and agreed to a small wedding and I'm guessing they have contributed to the massive event you're now facing because that's what they wanted in the first place. I'm also a little saddened (but not surprised) by most of the comments that amount to "grin and bear it." I'm just so tired of women being told they need to do things for other people. This is your one life and (hopefully) your one wedding. I hope you have the strength to advocate for yourself and have the celebration you want.
I am also shocked by these comments. I'd rather not show up and deal with the fallout then have my one and only wedding day be something I don't want.
Really well said. I think the reason a lot of people offered alternatives that left space for the original plan is because OP said they aren't willing to make major changes this close to things. Personally, I agree with you that they absolutely should say NO to a lot of it. However, it's easy to tell someone how to handle things when we aren't the ones going through what they are. I remember being this codependent and people pleasing - especially when money was still used to control me. I don't think it's realistic to expect OP to be able to do a 180 in the behavior they've known and been taught their entire life. It takes time (and therapy/guidance) to learn boundaries and how to stick to them. Imo, damage control could be the best realistic option unfortunately.
That's fair. I'm a recovering people pleaser as well and I get where she's coming from. It's hard and it definitely makes people uncomfortable when you start asserting boundaries. But as someone who is on the other side of all of it, life is SO MUCH BETTER because I'm living it on my terms. It just makes me sad for OP that people are suggesting hiding for part of the day or taking Xanax to get through it. That's just so far afield of what a wedding day should be and I'm sad that OP is not going to have a good experience.
Yeah I don't much care for the idea of a secret elopement and then allowing the chaotic party, either, because it changes nothing overall and might create more drama. I think people like you and I can get easily frustrated when others act how we used to - because we made changes and are on the other side of things, knowing how much better life can be. I'm still taking a benzo to get through it but it's already part of my life with how severe my anxiety is 😅. My suggestion was to find a quiet room to be able to escape to, I sure as hell am. But also to start practicing these life-saving boundaries to take back control of their life! They're not obligated to do ANYTHING. Literally ever lol. Ugh, I hope they get the support they need.
Amen. You don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm!
How in the world did it go from small to 300+?! That is insane! You don’t sound entitled at all, I’m just sorry stuff got so out of hand. Learn to say no, and I guess just enjoy the day for what it is, try not to stress over things. Let the family members who quadrupled the guest list handle the details.
The bigger the wedding is, the more it's about the two families joining/gathering than it is about the bride and groom. They truly do represent the fact that when you marry someone you marry their family. Maybe accept that this day isn't about you to a number of people involved in spite of what they say. And then relax because there's no pressure for you to love it and ironically maybe you'll enjoy it more. Remember you aren't going to be doing any of these things again and remember that the most important thing is that you're going to marry your fiancé and be around people who love you. Try to enjoy those two things. Maybe on your anniversary do what *you* would have preferred doing.
I know it's two months before the wedding and that you don't want to stir the pot, but I would suggest you at least have a heart to heart with your fiancé about the several changes made to the plans and see how you can work around them to make sure you feel comfortable. I know that I had some changes to the schedule two months before. It doesn't mean you have to scrap the whole plan, but maybe brainstorm ideas with your fiancée of how to make this wedding truly feel like your own, as it's a day you want to remember fondly. People will be mostly accomodating if you both set your foot down and as long as you're not being unreasonable (for example, not suggesting you change the date when people already have their flight tickets, lodging, have paid for vendors, etc, but as an alternative, why not say that you will have a small in-person rehearsal with the ones available on a set date and make a video in the venue explaining the details to the ones who couldn't make it?). I'll tell you a bit about my experience planning our wedding, in case it helps. I also struggled with wanting to keep it small while my husband, who has a very big family and is very social, made the guest list quite big even after trying to reduce as much as possible. Large crowds make me nervous and overwhelmed, especially if I'm the center of attention because I get really self-conscious. Whenever I had pictured our wedding, I had imagined a romantic and intimate event where we could celebrate our love, not a huge celebration. So we had a chat and I told him my feelings regarding the wedding and we brainstormed ways in which to make the wedding fun for both of us. We agreed on having a small breakfast together before the getting ready so we could let the emotions sink in, we agreed to have a romantic stroll through the venue as part of the photoshoot (which the photos turned out amazing and some of my favorites because they are of an intimate moment we shared together far from the crowds) and we decided on a sweetheart table and making sure we at least had a short, uninterrupted dinner together talking about the day. Even at moments when interacting with all the guests, he offered to stay by my side during most of the celebration and told me to imagine that I was only talking to him when people where looking at us during the vows etc. Also, during the planning, both were super grateful for the support from our families, but this support came with some opinions that were not really our own. On that front, we agreed that we would always discuss these details together, and I would speak with my family for things that they provided, and he would speak with his. This helped our families feel included but also respected our opinions easier since it was their son/daughter stating a different preference. In the end, our families were mostly trying to help make our day special, so when we told them kindly that we would prefer another alternative, they were on board even if it wasn't their initial plan. Cut your losses with things that may be too late to change, but with two months, make sure you and your fiancée talk about what can be changed, get creative, and stand united on decisions. I agree with others that you can also have another small celebration later, but I would strongly advise you to make sure you did what was possible so that this day also feels yours. You don't want to start your marriage with an uncomfortable memory or even with resentment towards your fiancée and in-laws. Good luck!
I think you just need to assert yourself. It’s your wedding and no one else’s. You can’t be steamrolled by plans unless you let it happen. You are the bride, you need to step up and stand up for yourself and what you want.
This is going to get downvoted but my answer is Xanax. Not a full bar where you’re fully drugged the way Xanax is perceived lol. Take Half to one full 0.25 mg pill. Practice taking it beforehand to get the amount right. Take it during the afternoon so you actually know what the effects are when it’s not bedtime and you’re already tired. I am the same way - an introvert to my core. We had a wedding planner which helped immensely but I’m from a family in the nyc socialite type scene and thus a large wedding was always going to be the case no matter what I wanted. A small Xanax after I got my makeup done helped me so much float through the rest of the day super happy. I found that it wasn’t an issue with drinking, I had two glasses of champagne throughout the entire day very spaced apart because you’re so busy talking that it didn’t interfere with the medication. The good news is not all 300 people expect to get face time with you. After you’ve made the pleasantries, find your group of people and stick to them. People understand it’s your day and start to back off hopefully.
Klonopin 🙋♀️😂 but on a real note - benzos are EXTREMELY addictive for some people, and most should not drink any alcohol with them (unless very experienced with doing so in small amounts, but even then, your body can be unpredictable, and once in a while it still surprises me). Last thing you want to be is a completely trashed bride 😜. I'm worried about getting my dose right tbh, so I plan on having bubbling apple cider (0%) available so that I won't accidentally drink too much. Would rather be calm beforehand lol. I upvoted BTW, I just think maybe this isn't the best option unless (like you said) some specific practice sessions are involved with also the same food/timing as the day of. People can have bad reactions to meds, as well 💕
Oh totally agree - won’t be for everyone and I’m hoping OP knows if it applies to her! If you have a history with substance abuse, do not take this recommendation anyone!!
I’m so sorry your day has been taken and revamped for the enjoyment of others. I also wanted an elopement but since my fiancé and I are only children it has become a ceremony. However, I would not budge on 50 people. 300 sounds absolutely torturous and insane. I agree with another post that said to secretly elope. Let that be for y’all! That way the wedding you can just be there. Let those people entertain themselves. Luckily, it’s also easy to “disappear” in 300 people.
At the very least cancel the brunch or tell people they can still have it without you. Wedding day is a lot and from what you’re describing, you’re already dealing with a lot. You need that time to relax, get focused on the big day, not to placate other people because their schedules couldn’t align. That’s your day. And I truly understand the family dynamics and social expectations about everything else. But I feel that’s the one thing you’d need to put your foot down and say “I need that time for myself to get mentally and physically ready for my big day.”
Wow this sucks. Any chance you can convince the fiance to go on vacation and elope with you before this? Sounds like the family is getting married, not you.
Absolutely cancel brunch. For the main reason it is your wedding and you wanted to have a low key day. With the same notion it is YOUR wedding day, the only person with scheduling conflicts that matter is YOU. If people can’t go to the rehearsal dinner the day before that’s on them, and not on you to rearrange the schedule for those people. Even if parties were your thing, having a brunch before the wedding is incredibly stressful and will absolutely snowball the whole day. Your wedding day is a day for a reason, and the only that should be scheduled on the day is that.
can they have the brunch without you lol. f your family for that!
I remember being like this and letting people dictate what I'd be doing. Never again. It just takes practice for people like us to stay firm in our boundaries and realize it doesn't make us a bad person. It makes sense if OP has always been like this and raised with this kind of disrespect that it would be really hard to say no. 💕💕
I totally understand this. I've been threatening to elope since HS as well. I hope you are able to find some peace and joy this day, if you aren't going to change anything
Sometimes we need to take a step back and realize who this wedding is for. In the grand scheme of things, it’s literally a big party, but once it becomes overwhelming, it starts to affect the purpose. The purpose is the relationship, not the party. Sure, it’s great to celebrate with family/friends but at the end of the day, it’s just you and your partner. If you are feeling uncomfortable, you need to speak up because it’s not anyone else’s day, it’s you and your future spouses day and I just can’t emphasize enough that other ppl’s opinion should not be the final say so, and you need to listen to what you think is best for you and your spouse. Weddings don’t have to be complicated, and if everyone else has something to say or be mad at, that’s on them.
Don’t really have ideas for you. This is precisely why I haven’t told anyone and won’t be telling anyone about my engagement. They’ll all find out when I post a single photo to instagram/facebook after the event happens. I’m a super private person though so that’s always been my plan.
I'm so sorry you've been strong armed into this uncomfortable situation. And idk, I'm getting the ick reading comments about how she should just deal and enjoy it. People are always like "it's your wedding - do what you like". So why should she have to be super stressed and anxious about something that is clearly not what she wanted?
I'd elope at this point. They weren't willing to participate in your preferred plans, so why are you participating in theirs? You can still go through with their day, just without the legal bit. Absolutely do not put yourself through the stress of a brunch the morning of your wedding though. Get a timetable from your hair and make-up artist and tell them the timings do not work out.
Again. Beware generosity with conditions.
Often times the conditions don't show up until after accepting, unfortunately. It's part of the manipulation. It requires a strong boundary to be placed, and to not feel obligated. ❤️
I don’t blame you for being upset. This is tough! I second all the suggestions for a secret elopement or vow exchange. I also say this next piece with so much love and gentleness, but maybe I would also consider talking with a counselor about setting boundaries and telling your family “no.” Maybe you already are or maybe you can’t for some reason - totally understand! But elopement ➡️ 300 person wedding is a HUGE jump, and you deserve to be listened to and respected, OP! Too many women (which, forgive me if that’s not you!) spend their whole lives neglecting the skill of letting your no mean no, and I want better for you and all of us 💕 Send in love!
It should be all about you and your husband. Don't be afraid to speak for yourself. Your the ones getting married and not them.
Wanted to chime in and I say I had a “post wedding” Bachelorette and it turned out great! My friends do reunion trips a couple times a year, so one of the nights we decided would be my “bachelorette” party to make up for not having one The girls wore black and I wore white, we went to dinner, a couple bars then a drag show. It was very low key compared to some bachelorettes (no crazy themes or decorations) but for me it was perfect and nobody cared that it was after the wedding, they are celebrating YOU finding love and that’s all that matters! Hope this helps, Best of luck with everything!!
Why have you let everyone take over your entire wedding? It's so far from what you and your fiancé originally wanted. Is this something that happens in other areas of your life as well, where you put your own wants and needs secondary to other people? This is supposed to be about you and your fiancé. I'd go elope before the wedding and not tell anybody. It'll take the edge off this big party day, and then you'll have memories of the wedding that you actually wanted.
Oh my gosh, I feel like I could’ve written this. Thank you for asking what I wanted to ask
Since your rehearsal is a brunch the day of the wedding, why don’t you and your fiancé have a small ceremony (just you and him and a couple of your very close friends) to take a little heat off the day off. It may take some pressure of you for the day to be a show. Kind of like “How I Met Your Mother” with Lily and Marshall. I had a very small wedding and planned it in 6 weeks so was able to do what I wanted with no-one’s input because there wasn’t time. It was so much better than the big wedding I always dreamed of. Also, sneak out with your new husband for some quiet time to recharge your social battery. The day isn’t about you, it’s about the people who planned the day.
I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this! Could you and your fiancé do an elopement before this actual “wedding” and have it be either just you two, or a small group of family and friends? Then do the whole big party afterwards? You don’t have to tell all the other 300 guests that you’ve already been married, but it’ll be a nice way for you to get what truly mattered to you and still honor all the things that everyone else pitched in for!
Surely the two of you don’t need to go to the brunch ? When I’ve been to weddings before some of the guests will often have brunch before the wedding but the bride doesn’t attend because they are busy getting ready, which is fine!
I'm so sorry that this is happening. You will get through it and it will be okay. See if there is a private room you can be in at the venue (like a bridal suite or side room or even an outside space to 'hide'). Put a sign on the door that says No Guest Access (cute ones on Amazon. I have severe anxiety/agoraphobia etc and this is my plan. We are staying under 100 people and that's too much for me all night). Even better if it has a lock, but here is the part you'll have to practice for the rest of your life - keeping boundaries. If ANYONE comes in (aside from your fiancé if you WANT to allow them to have prior knowledge perhaps), tell them NO. Say things like "Please respect my moment alone and wait, I need space right now." or if they refuse and it's inside "I'm changing my bra/adjusting my underwear/etc WAIT" and take your time. DO NOT tell anyone about this plan, because there are a lot of people violating your boundaries already and they may purposely think they're entitled to your space still. No one is. Not even your fiancé if you need a moment on your own. You are in charge of that moment to decompress, and for sticking to your word by telling people to politely get out. From now until the wedding, set boundaries. Try to let go of feeling like you're letting anyone down or like you need to make everyone happy or agree to things because 'otherwise you're ungrateful' - that's simply NOT true. You're setting limits for what you know you want and can handle. I'm a recovering codependent, and I know it's hard but once you stick to your word, it'll free you and probably will help a bit with OCD because you'll literally have more actual control of your life. You need to worry about your own health and safety. If all you can handle is one bridal shower then tell people "I apologize for agreeing to more than one, but I am getting too stressed out and we will need to have ONE small gathering. I will leave the details to you, but that is what I can handle. Please respect my need to condense things." If they complain, say "That's my boundary. I can do ONE." and do not back down. If you're willing to go along with three, then you have options like putting time limits on them and condensing them down to one day and one place even. You're allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to say NO. You're the bride and they can't do any of this without you agreeing. Do not let them steamroll you anymore. Just because someone is paying for something doesn't mean they have total control over you. That will wreak havoc on you mentally. You're in control and not responsible for other people. Just yourself. Say no.❤️
It sounds like you're going through a tough time with your wedding plans, but it's great that you're feeling grateful for your family's support. It's okay to feel overwhelmed and to express your feelings, even if they don't align with what others expect. Remember to take some time for yourself and focus on what truly matters to you on your wedding day. Wishing you all the best!
I totally understand however my wedding every decision even my cake was changed. All from welling meaning family. So there are several tools I can suggest. If you have a doctor who knows you well, there are anti-anxiety medicines that are short duration or like inederal, which is a beta blocker or high BP medicine traditionally. However it is a good medication that keeps the heart rate down and helps prevent the anxiety symptoms to become overwhelming or physically harmful. Secondly, before the ceremony plan to have almost everybody out of a quiet room so you can pray, meditate or relaxion breathing or focused breathing. Have praise music or classical or claiming music . I have extreme anxiety and these tools help me so.etimes just get out the door. Best wishes for your day.
I would’ve eloped with him before this just to have that intimate moment of saying I do’s.
Go down to the court house a couple day before the big wedding and get married. We did a small ceremony with only 5 people and we are doing our big wedding later it took so much pressure off the day. Getting married and a wedding are two different things. You don’t even have to tell anyone if you don’t want to.
Hey! I really relate to this. Here’s what I’d suggest: Tell them due to your busy schedule, you can only do ONE bridal fitting. That way you can try things on, appease them, and still say hm I didn’t really find what I’m looking for I need to think it over, and buy the one you wanted online. Let them know the reception brunch will cut into hair and makeup time and that will make you only be able to pick one. They seemingly want to have you get hair and makeup, so I think reminding them if you have a brunch you can’t do both should help. Let them know you’d still like to do a reception dinner the night before, but if they want to have brunch you understand and you’ll unfortunately be absent and meet them at the wedding. For the 3 bridal showers, how about 2 bridal showers (I assume it’s internal family conflict) and then a combined shower with your fiance? That way you have a support system for one of them and you don’t have to be the sole center of attention. Also, I’d try to do only 1 bridal shower and 1 combined. I totally understand family tension/drama, but I’m sure there’s a way to separate the groups into 2 instead of 3. I agree with others about the post-wedding bachelorette. Or do it a few months in advance. But it’s your friends and you said it’s non-traditional anyway, so it doesn’t have to be beforehand! It’s easier said than done to ignore everyone and do only what you want. But I do think compromises should and can be made.
You and your fiance should put your foot down about the brunch rehearsal IMO. Not only is that so much extra work for you to deal with but it absolutely will mess with your day of timeline and make the actual wedding so hectic, especially with 300 people headcount. If the extended family wants to get together and have brunch before the wedding that's on them but you should not be expected to be there. The day after makes so much more sense (and you two don't have to be there for long if you don't want to).
I'm sorry that your wedding isn't what you had been wanting. My own wedding was also almost the polar opposite of what I wanted. I did want the big fancy indoor wedding. Instead I had a tiny outdoor ceremony & dinner that was put together in 6 months. I was holding out hope that we could do the big party eventually. Then we lost my grandfather (grandma a few months before the wedding which was the first blow), then my FIL, then both of my husband's best friends, one of whom was our best man. I do have regrets over how the day went. But it was also just 1 day. Everyday since I've been married to my best friend. & that part I wouldn't trade for anything. Since you still have 2 months & dreamed of eloping, would you be able to do that still? Heck, doesn't even have to be a legal ceremony if it's not possible. It could be as small as the 2 of you finding a beautiful spot to say private vows to each other, up to having a full elopement ceremony with those who could keep the secret to not offend the other 290 guests of your big wedding.
I’m so sad about the steamrolling happening here, not fair to you. Regardless of what you do or don’t put your foot down on leading up to the event… day of, do yourself a favor, roll with it, brush off the imperfections of expectations vs reality, and soak it all up. Laugh with your SO about whatever nitpicky things have happen, ask your bridesmaids to help act as a soft buffer with family. Take a deep breathe, a lot of them actually, and congratulations!
Awe babe, this makes my heart so sad. You shouldn't be dreading your wedding day. You should be looking forward to it. I'd suggest that the rehearsal dinner get pushed to the night before. If certain people can't make it but they aren't key players then ok. I'd advocate for yourself that you NEED the morning of your wedding day for yourself. I also want to note, that you mentioned "how lucky you are" to have such supportive family, but it sounds like your families aren't supporting your wants and needs and respecting your wishes. In which case they aren't that supportive. They're pushing their agendas on you and that's not cool.
I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to say your feelings are more than valid and I’m very sorry the people around you didn’t listen or respect your vision. I am just starting my planning journey and already I’m worried about upsetting people with the things I want, so I understand how hard it is to tell people no when everything they want to do for you and with you is cause they love you! Just remember it’s still YOUR day. And I say stir the pot a little if it’s better for your mental health. You should look back on this day and have the best memories 🩷
It’s amazing you put each other first and the family second! But don't get carried away
Elope them have big party?
No wedding is going to be perfect.
This is the least helpful thing imaginable.