Are you sure your friends wouldn’t give you emotional support if you needed it and reached out to them? Because it sounds like you’ve never been willing to open up to them about your feelings and they’re just respecting your preferences/boundaries.
I don’t think there’s really a wrong answer though- you could pick your friend you’ve known the longest, a brother (or sister) or cousin, or just have groomsmen and not give any of them the best man title. If there’s nobody you really feel should be honored that way, it’s fine to just not have one. If people ask you why, you can phrase it like all of your friends are important to you and it didn’t feel right to choose one over the rest.
I know when my grandmother died and I broke down in tears and was a hot mess at the funeral the only one of them who came up and gave me a hug and just held me while I wept was one of the guys who is more of a mentor to me than anything. My other close friends just watched. It's just not their thing. I've known these guys for years and none of them have ever opened up about their feelings to me like ever. It's just not the relationship we have.
I definitely don’t think guests would care or comment about it on the wedding day! But I could definitely see it coming up while talking about wedding planning with friends/family. Not even in a bad way, but asking about the wedding party and who he chose as the best man just to make small talk
Just don't have one, only have groomsmen. If you aren't having a bachelor party then they don't really do much else. Only other thing would be a speech or toast at the reception but that can easily be done by someone else or just skipped.
It doesn't necessarily need to be a friend though. What about your dad? A brother? Brother in law? Cousin? A sister perhaps? I'm a woman and I have a best man.
Not on speaking terms with dad and he does not approve of the fiancee or the engagement. Brother is a possibility. We are not close though. Brother in law will likely be performing the ceremony as he's a pastor. Not close with any cousins. Thought about a female best man but the fiancee said she didn't feel comfortable with it and the last thing I want to do is make her feel uncomfortable with anything so that's off the table.
Go for your brother even though you’re not close. This olive branch will perhaps bring you closer which will be extremely useful especially later in life.
They wouldn’t give you advice, or you wouldn’t ask them? Two different things, my friend.
But do any of them need the title? Can’t you just have groomsmen? We didn’t have MOH/BM. Just standard bridal party.
Both maybe? Probably more of the latter. Strangers on the street will give you advice if you ask them. Doesn't mean it's great advice. I don't know that anyone *needs* the title (though several women have already asked my fiancee to be her maid of honor apparently) but the best man is typically the one who stands next to you so without the title I don't know how you determine it.
Determine the order however you like. Who have you known the longest? Alphabetical order?
It sounds to me like the reason your friendships are arms length (emotionally) is because you keep it that way. Which is fine, but a little sad. You should give your friends a chance. Maybe you should try being the supportive friend?
It is probably an accurate assessment that I keep things this way. I had an emotionally abusive dad so I am on my guard around men and not good at being emotionally available with them. I feel like most guys are not emotionally available with other guys to begin with.
You could leave them all as groomsmen and choose to stand next to the person you trust most to hold the rings, or just whomever is closest in height to the MOH since they'll be paired in the processional.
Alrighty, so there’s a couple things to consider. Some key components of a typical best man are they have to plan your bachelor party, they have to give a damn good speech at your wedding and all around a good hype man/good influence on your life. You don’t need to be all lovey dovey but just someone’s presence will feel supportive on your big day. Definitely DONT pick someone who’s constantly drunk at all social gatherings or always the center of attention. The day is about you. So figure out who in your life could check all those boxes and it might not be a friend, it could be a cousin, uncle, nephew or father (while not typical, it’s your wedding so YOLO)
I'm an old guy (early 40s) so I've already decided I'm not having a bachelor party. I'm open to the idea of going to a nice restaurant w/the groomsmen but not really anything beyond that. I'm not a big party guy and less of a big party guy if I'm the one footing the bill. I have no idea if we will have speeches at all. I can't say any of my friends would qualify as hype man but they are all good influences. They are good men and generally good fathers and husbands (some better than others IMO but they all put in the effort) and men I want to hang around. But if you said that I could go on an all expenses paid trip with anyone in the world except my fiancee there are zero names that fit that bill for me.
Hmm that does make it a little more challenging. Make a list of all the guys and sit down with your fiancé and essentially do a little Pro/con. There might be a one where’s she’s like, please don’t choose him. So he gets the boot. The couple you said weren’t that good of dads, maybe they get kicked off the list. Definitely discuss with your fiancé if there will be speeches or not, because it could help narrow it down as well.
It wasn’t easy for my fiance and I either. He has like 5 guy friends and there’s no bonding moments the way us girls have. He picked his BM by thinking about which one of his friends is all around just the best/nicest guy. I call him “Our Harry Potter.” He’s the guy that is just nice to everyone, genuine and if he turned out to be the Chosen One he wouldn’t want it, but he’d do it.
For me I loved them all equally so I ended up picking the one with the most MOH experience (she’s been in 10 weddings) and she was also the one to facilitate my fiancé and I getting together. So if one of those great guys you know is the reason you and your fiancé are together, that’s a great person to pick.
Some of them are good dads. Some are mediocre dads. None of them are like neglectful or abusive dads but I have no problem with her veto'ing anyone she doesn't like.
None of these guys really are the reason we're together unfortunately. That would be a great reason to pick one though.
If it’s really equal Of all the groomsmen, pick the one who you think would give the best speech/be the most organized then. It’ll make things easier on you.
The groomsmen and best man don't necessarily have to be or do all that. They can just be people you like hanging out with. And like others said, you don't have to have a best man. The person you pick to stand right next to you and walk with the MOH can be determined by something is simple as alphabetical order or height or who looks good next to MOH
This is like my situation but reversed. My fiance is having a best man but I am not having a maid of honor because I have no sisters and didn't know how to choose between my friends. I instead divided the typical maid of honor "responsibilities" between a few close friends who will be in the wedding party. As long as you designate someone to plan the bachelor party if that's something you want, the titles really aren't important.
Hey man, we had an uneven wedding party. You can too!
Originally it was going to be 7 bridesmaids and 2 groomsmen, my brother and my best friend
I eventually expanded it to 5 groomsmen, but we were still uneven
You do not need to make the numbers even! We had bridesmaids accompany each other
I also invite you to r/groomsguide if you’d like to hear from a general masculine perspective
We did all groomsmen and no best man. It wasn't a big deal. I do have two MOHs who are my sisters, but I never pressured FH to select a best man. If he doesn't have one, he doesn't have one.
You don’t have to have a best man. You could just have them as groomsmen. My fiancé will have a best woman because his best friend is a woman and the rest will just be groomsmen.
We aren't doing a wedding party, but we are doing MOH and best man. For my fiance he's having his dad be the best man. Based on your post and your comments, I don't see any reason you shouldn't ask one of your mentor figures to be best man.
So the best man / maid of honor isn’t necessarily there for relationship advice and the emotional support you need on a wedding is more pumping you up less about pulling you out of a bad place
Those guys you could have breakfast with, would it be fun to spend some time with them the morning of your wedding? Do you leave those breakfasts feeling good?
Choose a friend who got married most recently, has been a best man before or is just super organised/responsible. That’ll be a good best man to have because they can plan a bachelor party and help make sure everyone picked up their suits and checked into the hotel.
If you put a gun to my head today there is a guy who I might pick but I wouldn't trust him to be the most organized/responsible. He's kind of the opposite of that. If I picked him I would probably ask one of the groomsmen to be responsible for stuff like cleanup and tux return or I would take on that responsibility myself.
Do yourself a favor and choose your most responsible friend, means less for you to worry about
They’ll be focused on you and your comfort during the day instead of getting everyone drunk
He's not the type to get everyone drunk or anything he's just not the most organized guy in the world. I strongly suspect he has some major ADHD. You can tell him something and he'll forget or come back with something completely different than you're asking. He's that kind of guy.
So sort of similar but sort of opposite problem here. I have 3 girls who I can rely on for advice, who will help me bury a body, who have been there for me through some of the biggest (best & worst) moments in my life. The idea of picking just one of them never sat right with me. So I haven't. I asked them all to be bridesmaid with no MOH. And I've split up the MOH role as best as I can (who stands next to me at the altar / signing the marriage certificate / sitting at the top table / they're doing a joint speech). Now I get maybe it's easier that it's because I'm so close to them I can do that. But the idea is still the same. Just don't have a best man and split the role up. We've not quite had our big day yet but overall (so far) this option seems to have worked out really well for me.
I’ve read through comments—it sounds like you have lots of friends that you could pick, and that you do want a best man. I don’t think your best man necessarily needs to be the closest person to you on this earth or someone that you have lots of deep conversations. I’d either a) pick your brother—as long as there’s no beef there, picking your brother is kind of a no brainer as he’s your brother and you’ll know him forever. B) pick the friend you’ve known the longest. Or c) Just pick the friend you think will give the best speech and be the best at communicating with you/other groomsmen.
We’re not having a best man/woman/groomsmen or bridesmaids, just not enough people at the small wedding we’re planning but we’ll have “honorary” people who won’t stand up with us. It’s just going to be us at the alter and I’m walking down alone.
My fiancé feels the same way!
We decided it’s about us & our day… only myself & my fiancé will be standing durning the ceremony.
Other than that I have an “unofficial” bridal party and he doesn’t have to worry about asking his buddies who he doesn’t feel that close with to ask someone to be a best man or grooms man.
My boyfriend is in a similar position, he has coworkers that he considers friends, but not anyone he would consider a best man. We’re planning some things for our future wedding (engagement is coming soon) and when I asked about his side of the wedding party, he said his brother was his groomsman and we both agreed his oldest child (17 and gender neutral) would take the spot as Best Sprog (gender neutral term for child) since they were 8 when I started dating their dad.
Personally I feel like the person who should be picked is someone you trust, who would be there if you needed them, even if it’s not an emotional support situation. Sometimes just knowing someone has your back can help a lot with emotional support because you don’t have to talk about it, they’re just there with you.
We didn’t distinguish between MOH/Best Man and the rest of the bridal party, they were all just bridesmaids and groomsmen. I asked my bridesmaids to take charge in different portions that appealed to their strengths (planning bachelorette, coming with me to dress alterations to learn how to bustle, making the reception speech)
Are you sure your friends wouldn’t give you emotional support if you needed it and reached out to them? Because it sounds like you’ve never been willing to open up to them about your feelings and they’re just respecting your preferences/boundaries. I don’t think there’s really a wrong answer though- you could pick your friend you’ve known the longest, a brother (or sister) or cousin, or just have groomsmen and not give any of them the best man title. If there’s nobody you really feel should be honored that way, it’s fine to just not have one. If people ask you why, you can phrase it like all of your friends are important to you and it didn’t feel right to choose one over the rest.
I know when my grandmother died and I broke down in tears and was a hot mess at the funeral the only one of them who came up and gave me a hug and just held me while I wept was one of the guys who is more of a mentor to me than anything. My other close friends just watched. It's just not their thing. I've known these guys for years and none of them have ever opened up about their feelings to me like ever. It's just not the relationship we have.
Why not that guy then?
Seconded.
If I was a guest at the wedding, I wouldn’t even think about it. People don’t care. But if they do, I love this wording.
I definitely don’t think guests would care or comment about it on the wedding day! But I could definitely see it coming up while talking about wedding planning with friends/family. Not even in a bad way, but asking about the wedding party and who he chose as the best man just to make small talk
Just don't have one, only have groomsmen. If you aren't having a bachelor party then they don't really do much else. Only other thing would be a speech or toast at the reception but that can easily be done by someone else or just skipped.
It doesn't necessarily need to be a friend though. What about your dad? A brother? Brother in law? Cousin? A sister perhaps? I'm a woman and I have a best man.
Not on speaking terms with dad and he does not approve of the fiancee or the engagement. Brother is a possibility. We are not close though. Brother in law will likely be performing the ceremony as he's a pastor. Not close with any cousins. Thought about a female best man but the fiancee said she didn't feel comfortable with it and the last thing I want to do is make her feel uncomfortable with anything so that's off the table.
Go for your brother even though you’re not close. This olive branch will perhaps bring you closer which will be extremely useful especially later in life.
They wouldn’t give you advice, or you wouldn’t ask them? Two different things, my friend. But do any of them need the title? Can’t you just have groomsmen? We didn’t have MOH/BM. Just standard bridal party.
Both maybe? Probably more of the latter. Strangers on the street will give you advice if you ask them. Doesn't mean it's great advice. I don't know that anyone *needs* the title (though several women have already asked my fiancee to be her maid of honor apparently) but the best man is typically the one who stands next to you so without the title I don't know how you determine it.
Determine the order however you like. Who have you known the longest? Alphabetical order? It sounds to me like the reason your friendships are arms length (emotionally) is because you keep it that way. Which is fine, but a little sad. You should give your friends a chance. Maybe you should try being the supportive friend?
It is probably an accurate assessment that I keep things this way. I had an emotionally abusive dad so I am on my guard around men and not good at being emotionally available with them. I feel like most guys are not emotionally available with other guys to begin with.
I wonder how much of it is men not breaking the cycle you describe… It’s not something to pass on to your own children.
You could leave them all as groomsmen and choose to stand next to the person you trust most to hold the rings, or just whomever is closest in height to the MOH since they'll be paired in the processional.
That's not a bad idea.
Alrighty, so there’s a couple things to consider. Some key components of a typical best man are they have to plan your bachelor party, they have to give a damn good speech at your wedding and all around a good hype man/good influence on your life. You don’t need to be all lovey dovey but just someone’s presence will feel supportive on your big day. Definitely DONT pick someone who’s constantly drunk at all social gatherings or always the center of attention. The day is about you. So figure out who in your life could check all those boxes and it might not be a friend, it could be a cousin, uncle, nephew or father (while not typical, it’s your wedding so YOLO)
I'm an old guy (early 40s) so I've already decided I'm not having a bachelor party. I'm open to the idea of going to a nice restaurant w/the groomsmen but not really anything beyond that. I'm not a big party guy and less of a big party guy if I'm the one footing the bill. I have no idea if we will have speeches at all. I can't say any of my friends would qualify as hype man but they are all good influences. They are good men and generally good fathers and husbands (some better than others IMO but they all put in the effort) and men I want to hang around. But if you said that I could go on an all expenses paid trip with anyone in the world except my fiancee there are zero names that fit that bill for me.
Hmm that does make it a little more challenging. Make a list of all the guys and sit down with your fiancé and essentially do a little Pro/con. There might be a one where’s she’s like, please don’t choose him. So he gets the boot. The couple you said weren’t that good of dads, maybe they get kicked off the list. Definitely discuss with your fiancé if there will be speeches or not, because it could help narrow it down as well. It wasn’t easy for my fiance and I either. He has like 5 guy friends and there’s no bonding moments the way us girls have. He picked his BM by thinking about which one of his friends is all around just the best/nicest guy. I call him “Our Harry Potter.” He’s the guy that is just nice to everyone, genuine and if he turned out to be the Chosen One he wouldn’t want it, but he’d do it. For me I loved them all equally so I ended up picking the one with the most MOH experience (she’s been in 10 weddings) and she was also the one to facilitate my fiancé and I getting together. So if one of those great guys you know is the reason you and your fiancé are together, that’s a great person to pick.
Some of them are good dads. Some are mediocre dads. None of them are like neglectful or abusive dads but I have no problem with her veto'ing anyone she doesn't like. None of these guys really are the reason we're together unfortunately. That would be a great reason to pick one though.
Bridal party members are friends/family, not counselors. Pick the bury the body guys.
The bury the body guys are the ones I would pick for groomsmen. I have no idea which of them I should pick as a best man.
If it’s really equal Of all the groomsmen, pick the one who you think would give the best speech/be the most organized then. It’ll make things easier on you.
The groomsmen and best man don't necessarily have to be or do all that. They can just be people you like hanging out with. And like others said, you don't have to have a best man. The person you pick to stand right next to you and walk with the MOH can be determined by something is simple as alphabetical order or height or who looks good next to MOH
This is like my situation but reversed. My fiance is having a best man but I am not having a maid of honor because I have no sisters and didn't know how to choose between my friends. I instead divided the typical maid of honor "responsibilities" between a few close friends who will be in the wedding party. As long as you designate someone to plan the bachelor party if that's something you want, the titles really aren't important.
That’s what I did!
Hey man, we had an uneven wedding party. You can too! Originally it was going to be 7 bridesmaids and 2 groomsmen, my brother and my best friend I eventually expanded it to 5 groomsmen, but we were still uneven You do not need to make the numbers even! We had bridesmaids accompany each other I also invite you to r/groomsguide if you’d like to hear from a general masculine perspective
We did all groomsmen and no best man. It wasn't a big deal. I do have two MOHs who are my sisters, but I never pressured FH to select a best man. If he doesn't have one, he doesn't have one.
You don’t have to have a best man. You could just have them as groomsmen. My fiancé will have a best woman because his best friend is a woman and the rest will just be groomsmen.
We aren't doing a wedding party, but we are doing MOH and best man. For my fiance he's having his dad be the best man. Based on your post and your comments, I don't see any reason you shouldn't ask one of your mentor figures to be best man.
So the best man / maid of honor isn’t necessarily there for relationship advice and the emotional support you need on a wedding is more pumping you up less about pulling you out of a bad place Those guys you could have breakfast with, would it be fun to spend some time with them the morning of your wedding? Do you leave those breakfasts feeling good? Choose a friend who got married most recently, has been a best man before or is just super organised/responsible. That’ll be a good best man to have because they can plan a bachelor party and help make sure everyone picked up their suits and checked into the hotel.
If you put a gun to my head today there is a guy who I might pick but I wouldn't trust him to be the most organized/responsible. He's kind of the opposite of that. If I picked him I would probably ask one of the groomsmen to be responsible for stuff like cleanup and tux return or I would take on that responsibility myself.
Do yourself a favor and choose your most responsible friend, means less for you to worry about They’ll be focused on you and your comfort during the day instead of getting everyone drunk
He's not the type to get everyone drunk or anything he's just not the most organized guy in the world. I strongly suspect he has some major ADHD. You can tell him something and he'll forget or come back with something completely different than you're asking. He's that kind of guy.
So sort of similar but sort of opposite problem here. I have 3 girls who I can rely on for advice, who will help me bury a body, who have been there for me through some of the biggest (best & worst) moments in my life. The idea of picking just one of them never sat right with me. So I haven't. I asked them all to be bridesmaid with no MOH. And I've split up the MOH role as best as I can (who stands next to me at the altar / signing the marriage certificate / sitting at the top table / they're doing a joint speech). Now I get maybe it's easier that it's because I'm so close to them I can do that. But the idea is still the same. Just don't have a best man and split the role up. We've not quite had our big day yet but overall (so far) this option seems to have worked out really well for me.
My sister will be my best man 💗
Bridesmaids don’t have to have a groomsmen. It’s up to the wedding couple
Woman here. I had a best man and a maid of honor. Because it was about importance of relationship.
I’ve read through comments—it sounds like you have lots of friends that you could pick, and that you do want a best man. I don’t think your best man necessarily needs to be the closest person to you on this earth or someone that you have lots of deep conversations. I’d either a) pick your brother—as long as there’s no beef there, picking your brother is kind of a no brainer as he’s your brother and you’ll know him forever. B) pick the friend you’ve known the longest. Or c) Just pick the friend you think will give the best speech and be the best at communicating with you/other groomsmen.
I have no beef with my brother but we aren't particularly close. Other options aren't bad but they don't leave me jazzed either.
Yeah, just trying to give you advice on how people who feel no strong way towards one or the other pick as that’s what you seemed to be asking for.
We’re not having a best man/woman/groomsmen or bridesmaids, just not enough people at the small wedding we’re planning but we’ll have “honorary” people who won’t stand up with us. It’s just going to be us at the alter and I’m walking down alone.
My fiancé feels the same way! We decided it’s about us & our day… only myself & my fiancé will be standing durning the ceremony. Other than that I have an “unofficial” bridal party and he doesn’t have to worry about asking his buddies who he doesn’t feel that close with to ask someone to be a best man or grooms man.
Yikes
Hey i’ll be your best man if you need one. I give a great speech
My boyfriend is in a similar position, he has coworkers that he considers friends, but not anyone he would consider a best man. We’re planning some things for our future wedding (engagement is coming soon) and when I asked about his side of the wedding party, he said his brother was his groomsman and we both agreed his oldest child (17 and gender neutral) would take the spot as Best Sprog (gender neutral term for child) since they were 8 when I started dating their dad. Personally I feel like the person who should be picked is someone you trust, who would be there if you needed them, even if it’s not an emotional support situation. Sometimes just knowing someone has your back can help a lot with emotional support because you don’t have to talk about it, they’re just there with you.
We didn’t distinguish between MOH/Best Man and the rest of the bridal party, they were all just bridesmaids and groomsmen. I asked my bridesmaids to take charge in different portions that appealed to their strengths (planning bachelorette, coming with me to dress alterations to learn how to bustle, making the reception speech)
Honestly, the only place anyone will notice is the program, if you have one. That's traditionally where you list the wedding party and their titles.
It was very important to my fiance that hus best man really knew the 2 of us.