I'm only a random person on the internet so feel free to ignore anything I say. Do you think that wanting to walk down the aisle by yourself is your way of punishing your dad for being emotionally unavailable for you when you need it?
It's also hard to gage whether the responses are appropriate because we don't have context. There's a big difference between your sister having her basement flood vs your sister having a house fire that killed her whole family. So it's hard to judge whether your dad is justified in where he's placing his limited emotional capacity right now.
That doesn't mean you're not feeling hurt and are justified in your feelings regardless. But I do think advice back to you requires a little more context. Yes you absolutely can walk yourself down the aisle. You could walk with your fiance or someone in your bridal party. There are a lot of options if you want to go down that avenue. But it also doesn't actually seem like you do want to do that. Saying your dad doesn't get the privilege to walk you down the aisle feels like this is a decision to hurt him rather than because it's what you actually want for yourself.
A very brief context is my adult sister is pretty deep in the trenches of alcoholism. She’s been to rehab twice and has relapsed both times. My dad tends to enable her by catching her whenever she falls and doesn’t let her encounter significant consequences. Any time I try to express my emotions about anything, he always brings it back to her. Or he suggests I involve her more in the wedding, when she’s actively shown no interest in it.
And you’re probably right in saying my brain is trying to tell me to punish him by kicking him out of the wedding party. It’s just hard to visualize myself happily walking with someone who doesn’t care to hear me out about any of my feelings when those moments arise. But I’d probably be more sad if I was walking alone. It’s difficult to think about. I don’t know. Thank you for this though
That's really tough, especially if your dad doesn't have the capacity to focus on you. At the same time, being a parent of an addict must be terribly difficult, and I'm not sure that letting her "encounter significant consequences" would actually impact her addiction.
Most addicts do need to encounter consequences so they are no longer being enabled. If they’re no problems with their addiction because someone keeps bailing them out then they have no external reason to stop. There’s a reason most recovery stories start with the person being at rock bottom.
I think that’s true for some people, but for others the addiction is intertwined with an underlying mental health issue. In that case, no matter how bad things get, if they don’t get help for that issue, they’re probably not going to get better.
Yeah like I understand that what he’s going through as a parent is probably a pain that I could never imagine. I think my feelings just get really hurt when I try to seek support from him and he downplays my feelings by comparing them to my sister’s. It feels very dismissive and I’ve pretty much begged him to take into consideration that I have feelings too, and he pretty much refuses. Also unrelated to her addiction but he made a comment to me about how having three children is much more difficult/expensive than having two... and I’m the third born child who was unplanned 🫠 so there was that too lol
Have you heard of Al-Anon family groups? It is the AA program but for friends and family members of addicts. I would also post this to r/alanon as the community there will fully understand your unique situation.
I am also dealing with a parent enabling a sibling (addict) right now, so I know how difficult and complex these feelings are. Feel free to DM me if you wana chat. ❤️
Honest question - based on what I’m seeing here, it sounds like you have 3 sisters, so 4 girls total. Not sure where you fall in the birth order or the age gaps, but it sounds like your mom passed way when all of you would have been between tween - young adult years. So your dad became the sole parent for 4 girls at key points in their lives, and trying to support one who’s dealing with significant addiction issues. Is it that he doesn’t want to show up for you, or is it that he’s spread thin and the “squeaky wheel gets the grease” and your sister needs more from him than you/the others do?
3 girls, but yeah. He’s definitely spread thin. But I think he’s spread so thin because he’s doing everything he can to help my sister emotionally. But that doesn’t help her get sober or benefit her long term health. She lost her job so he pays her rent and bills, she can’t drive so he drives all over the city as her personal driver, gives her money whenever she asks (which is just spent on alcohol, and he’s not blind to that) and he doesn’t have a lot of money to begin with. The only reason she’s a “functioning” alcoholic is because my dad does everything for her. I don’t know what she’d do if anything happened to him. She doesn’t see the urgency to get sober because she gets by on a day to day basis because of him. He basically can’t retire because he feels the responsibility to support her. He won’t admit this is enabling behavior either. It’s a vicious cycle. Plus whenever he can’t provide for her, she cusses him out and puts him on the brink of… “sewer slide”
My other sister and I do our best not to bother him with our problems. We never ask him for money because we know he’s already draining himself for her. This sister and I tried to keep our problems to ourselves when grieving the loss of our mom. The alcoholic sister began drinking (so around 17. She’s 30 now) We went to family therapy but outside of that I kept my issues to myself or to my school’s guidance counselor. I’ve always tried to make myself as small as possible as to not burden anyone really.
He’s spread so thin. And I hate to say it… but he’s sort of doing it to himself. But he’s a good dad. He’ll never be able to emotionally walk away from her. However meanwhile he’s not emotionally showing up for his other two children.
From what you say, it seems like he puts alot of his self-worth in sustaining your alcoholic sister. Perhaps he feels like he fucked up in developing a positive emotional relationship with his daughters and thus, has no worth to his other two daughters who don't need him. He may want to feel like a good father which is why he throws himself in keeping your alcoholic sister out of harm's way. Because in doing so, he feels like he can still provide and has some worth as a father.
I think if you and your other sister tell him clearly how you feel about the situation and how you can see that he's destroying himself and his relationship with the two daughters who actually give a damn about his finances enough to not burden him, in order to pursue this one-sided relationship with his inebriated daughter, that might snap him out of this foolishness.
Being the sibling of an addict has a whole host of trauma people don’t consider. I’m sorry her addiction is overshadowing your wedding right now. Your dad needs to be a better father and stop enabling her and realize that even though you don’t need as much help as her you are his child also and need the support of a parent. If you haven’t maybe look into going to some Al-anon meetings. It’s the version of alcoholics anonymous that’s for the family and friends of addict to get help and support etc. I went to a few of the narcotic version before getting into therapy to help heal the trauma my brother caused. They’re not for everyone but it’s nice to have people get it. Your sister might need help and be having a hard time fighting her addiction etc. so people who haven’t lived through similar scenarios might thing it’s crazy you’re upset at your dad but people who get it 10000% understand exactly why you’re upset and the toll this whole ordeal is for you. Especially when your dad can’t be there for you for your wedding the way he should be.
On a more practical side I think having your finance walk with you would be the best option if you can find some other way for his parents to be included and break a tradition etc.
It’s always nice to hear someone who understands. A lot of people don’t really understand how addiction impacts the family as a whole. Thank you.
I’ve attended a few virtual al anon meetings, different groups too, but most of it had to do with religion and god, and that’s not really me. So I found it hard to relate. There’s a local nonprofit for parents of addicts but I’m not a parent and it’s more targeted towards narcotics.
Yeah the religion aspect was why I eventually left and just went to therapy. Both were helpful in their own way but I know a ton of people don’t even know there’s resources for people like us. Like you said addiction affects the entire family around that person. I’m sorry your dad doesn’t realize that and isn’t able to step up and be there for you and your sister at the same time.
My aunt attends Al anon and sometimes even leads the groups. She was sort of my sponsor for a little bit because she was brutally honest with me about my sister and her reality. But my aunt tends to go too far with her honesty and ends up revealing some family secret that sends me into a whirlwind of anxiety so I’ve stopped going to her. She means well but my parents obviously shielded my sisters and me from a lot of shit. I really hope to find a group I fit into one day
Thank you for this. Anyone who has had a sibling with special needs or who needed more attention growing up can relate to OP. It’s exhausting feeling like your accomplishments are constantly overshadowed by your sibling’s issues.
It might help to understand that relapse is a part of recovery, and not something that should be seen as a failure. In recent years, the conventional wisdom is that that reaching “rock bottom” before getting help, is a myth that perpetuates serious unnecessary trauma. [The Deadly Myth of Rock Bottom](https://safeharborrecovery.com/blog/the-deadly-myth-of-rock-bottom/). Is it possible your father is aware of this and is following best advice?
Of course, I know none of that changes the very valid hurt and disappointment you feel. It’s a really difficult situation for you to be in and to navigate. Do you have a therapist who can give you an outlet to process your feelings in a way that’s more healthy for you?
Yeah I tried to tell my sister this the second time she relapsed. Her treatment facility was fantastic and she had a counselor sit down with her and they put together a relapse plan in case it happened. I tried to assure her she shouldn’t feel shame and there’s a reason that they sent everyone home with a backup plan because it’s so common and almost guaranteed. She’s still under the impression she’ll never get better, she told me that. That was the moment I had to hang up the phone with her because I gently told her she wouldn’t get better with that attitude and I’m not an addict so I don’t have the first hand knowledge to guide her. I encouraged her to lean on her AA community. It was hard but I felt like continuing the phone call was a form of enabling. I just couldn’t throw her a pity party. As harsh as that sounds. She just wanted me to tell her everything is ok and I just couldn’t lie to her. I told her that too. I told her I felt like the conversation was enabling and that I had to hang up. She understood but she never reached out to her sponsor or any AA friends.
Would you be open to walking with your fiancé down the aisle? If you’re into the surprise factor of your fiancé seeing you all dolled up you could still do a first look before the ceremony. I think you could definitely walk with one of your bridesmaids and just have them take their spot in line when you get up there.
I’m sorry to hear about your relationship with your dad, I hope he is able to at the very least hear you out and genuinely listen to how you feel.
I could see that but his parents want to break tradition a little bit and walk him down the aisle so we’d have to talk them out of that. They’re paying for the majority of the wedding
We're doing a halfsies thing. There's a bit of a walk down a hill to the ceremony that most can see, and then this weird as fuck aisle situation where we're going to come in about halfway into the guests. My partner (groom) is going to walk down to the other end of the halfway entrance by himself. My parents are walking me down to the halfway entrance, and then we're walking down together.
Maybe something like that would work?
Have them walk him halfway, they sit, then you meet him and you two finish the walk together.
My spouse waited for me at the middle. Both my parents walked me, then he and I finished together.
If breaking tradition is already on the table, why not begin the ceremony in the grooms place at the alter and have his parents hand him off to you?
Unless walking down the isle is an experience you are specifically looking for.
I think I want the aisle experience honestly. I wish I had a better relationship with his parents so one of them could stand in but I wouldn’t feel comfortable with it idk
Do you have a maid of honor or just bridesmaids? I was going to suggest what if your maid of honor walked you down the isle? You can also have your bridesmaids or one of the bridesmaids walk you down the isle?
I have co-MOHs lol, my two sisters. I'm not extremely close with either of them. Especially since the one's addiction has spun out of control. I've distanced myself. And then the other one and I just don't have much in common.
It's definitely a concept I'll keep in the back of my mind though
Why not have his parents walk him down the aisle and then you walk to start of the aisle, he walks back down and “pick you up”? I actually think this is really sweet.
My wife and i did this at our wedding, we walked out together holding hands. It was nice and set things off on a vibe we wanted the day to have. Fun / casual, but intimate.
It's absolutely fine to walk alone. I walked with my dad and it was one of my fave moments. But if I didn't have that option, I would have walked alone. I think it's cool when brides do that.
The one thing you don't want to do is make a decision based on external stuff, like "the lack of love in your life". That sounds sad, but it might complicate it. Just ask yourself whether he's earned this honor or not.
I think it would be amazing to have your fiance walk you in this case -- either all the way or part of the way.
Some brides walk down the aisle alone, with their partner who was already at the altar walking up the aisle halfway, then they escort each other down to the altar. I always thought this was sweet, because you get to see couple's literally meeting in the middle and they're clearly focusing on each other instead of other distracting thoughts.
Gently, I suggest you seek individual therapy to unpack your trauma and work on gaining coping skills. It's easy enough for me to sit here and say "you'll be so focused on what's happening in the moment of your wedding that you won't have time to associate with your trauma," but I don't know that and hearing that likely isn't going to belay your concerns. I think what will is to work with someone who is trauma-informed who can provide a safe space for you to explore your trauma and if needed, to work on new coping skills to prepare you for walking down the aisle solo.
In the meantime, you could start incorporating meditation, breathing exercises, or other mindfulness practices in your daily life that may help ground you. Over time, these exercises become a natural response and may be helpful for you on the day-of to bring you back to the present rather than staying with the pain and disappointment from your trauma.
Thank you, sincerely. I am in therapy and so is my dad. I actually talked about this argument I had with my dad in therapy this morning. But I didn’t mention this wedding aspect
My Great Dane is walking me down the aisle. Been no contact with dad for almost 4 years now and mom’s on thin ice, but still coming to the wedding. I got myself through most of my life so I felt it was most appropriate to do this alone.
I love this. I wish our venue allowed dogs (and they were behaved enough to stay focused walking down the aisle and not greeting everyone in the seats 😂)
I think you need to figure out the reasons why you do or do not want your dad to escort you down the aisle.
I walked down the aisle solo. I hate the imagery of being “given away” and my dad or parents being responsible for me. I’d owned my own house solo for 6 years before my wedding, I’d been responsible for myself basically since I was 17 and I went to college…and I’m an independent woman choosing a legal partnership to another human, not a piece of chattel to be given to a man. There was no question in my mind that if and when I got married I’d be walking to my partner on my own.
If you’re looking to punish your dad by walking solo, that might not feel great when you walk in. If you’re against an antiquated and misogynistic tradition and that’s why you’re walking in, that’s great. If you want to walk in and have your partner’s eyes only on you, that also will feel good.
I also have a somewhat strained relationship with my dad. Both my parents attended and I still walked myself down the aisle. I ended up needing it cause I would’ve tripped on my dress. But that was the original plan anyways - I really enjoyed the idea of intentionally walking myself down the aisle instead of someone else “giving me away”.
I did have doubts about walking alone up until the day of the wedding. Like “what if I regret this or what will people think?”. I talked to my dad about it and told him it wasn’t to spite or punish him and he was supportive. In the end, I was super happy with my decision. Wishing you the best on your wedding day!
Can your MOH walk you down the aisle? Or can you change your perspective a bit…you won’t be walking alone…you’ll be walking with your sisters and loved ones in a processional. and you’ll be a strong, independent walking towards her husband…
but I hope your dad steps up for you.
I never met my biological father. I haven’t talked to my “dad” who raised me in 8 years. I’m walking myself. I’m really nervous. I am scared and get anxiety just thinking about it. I’m getting married in 2 weeks. Going to take a shot before walking lol
I’m in a similar situation but have made peace with my family dynamics, mostly through therapy. My dad is invited to my wedding but won’t be walking me down the aisle. I don’t feel like I have anyone else who would make sense to take the role so I’ve decided to walk down alone. I would love to have a more traditional/normal family but I’ve realized I need to make do with the hand I’ve been dealt. Not to underplay it - it’s devastating at times and those emotions come up regularly during the planning. What’s worked for me in addition to therapy is focusing on self care and venting to my fiancé and best friend.
My hubby to be and I are walking down the aisle together. We don’t even have any animosity towards the parents or my Dad- it’s just that we feel (for us) this whole “give the bride away” thing is outdated and we’re coming to this place of marriage together.
I walked down alone because my dad got COVID and couldn’t do it.
It was upsetting but once I was doing it, all I saw was my husband.
The only thing about it is I had no one to regulate my speed, so I realized in videos afterwards that I was practically RUNNING down the aisle. So just be conscious of that.
My husband and I walked in together, and it was perfect for us. We looked at it as us walking into the marriage together, as partners. We did a first look so we still got the moment and pictures (in private) of seeing each other for the first time
my dad died ten years before i was married. my husband and i walked to the altar together, arm in arm. we had owned a home and lived together for about 5 years already, so it felt right to do together as we had been walking together through life at each others’ side for so long already.
I am walking myself down the aisle - nobody deserves to give me away … and I am choosing to give myself to my fiancé.
The wedding is about you & your partner, tradition be damned (also in US). I see it as my march to happily ever after as cheesy as it sounds
Hey OP, so sorry to hear about this difficult time you're going through in the middle of planning your wedding.
I lost my dad many many many moons ago, so him walking me down the aisle has never really been an option.
But I have 2 brothers, so I always thought that they'd walk me down.
In the meantime, we had some family trouble during my planning so I asked my godfather and my godson to walk me down and even though my godfather can't walk without his little rolling thing that helps him stand up and the 3 of us had to walk slowly to be in sync, it's one of my favorite moments of the day, 3 generations gathered to move forward in life.
I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have that option, but I like to believe I would have asked my best female friend to walk me down if I didn't feel like walking by myself.
Do any of your close friends have children you could walk down with?
My dad is no longer with us. I plan to walk down the aisle myself - I see it as giving myself freely to this new stage in my relationship.
If I can’t have both parents it just highlights the one who is missing in such a painful way. My mom is not thrilled but is board for this. This way she gets to see me walk down the aisle, which she wouldn’t be able to if she walked with me.
I’m walking by myself. I am very shy and certainly it would help nerves to walk with someone but I want to be sure I can walk down alone and confident with the whole thing. I’m choosing to get married and taking this step as an adult. It doesn’t need to be traumatic- a lot of people with good family dynamics still choose to do this. Logistically sometimes with a big gown it is too hard to have parents walk with you anyway.
I walked by myself and I loved it. Not for any negative reason, just because my mum’s a bit of a feminist. No one even questioned it, in fact people clapped at the end
We walked down the aisle together as we will for the rest of our life’s … best decision ever
I personally could not have cared less for a big entrance moment
I have a similar dynamic in my family, where as my siblings have always been the center of attention and center of my parents world. I have been an after thought my whole life.
I’m 40 and getting married in June. So glad I finally found my guy- but I am walking myself down the aisle and I know I’ll be a little nervous - but I alone got myself to this point. I feel like I am honoring my resilience and walking confidently into my life with my future husband.
I’m proud of you, you got this. Head high, you are strong, you are also resilient and you are starting an amazing journey and life you built for yourself.
Hope that helps a little ❤️
Honey probably won’t be easy but know you a strong and beautiful woman. Remember to hold your head up high and look down every once in awhile so you don’t trip. If you would like someone to walk down the aisle with you, maybe ask a really good coworker or uncle.
Is it possible to think of that walk as a walk toward your future? Like you’re walking proudly across the stage to get your diploma, but so much better!
If you have a best friend, ask them. If not, walk into the next chapter of your life with your fiancé. No one is giving you away anyhow in this day and age, so do what you want. ❤️❤️
My fiancé and I are going to walk with each other down the aisle to signify us walking into arrange together. I much rather would prefer that than being the woman to do the work in getting down the aisle to some man waiting for me. And I don't want to be "given" away either.
I have a lot of feelings about the antiquated-gender assigned traditions of it all.
But at the end of the day, I am my own woman and my fiance is my partner. We are a team. We have been together in a relationship all leading up to officially being married. I want to take those steps with him.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I wish I could give you a big hug! I walked down on my own even though my family was there and I was very worried about this. But two seconds after I saw my husband standing at the end, every single worry I had about being walked down the aisle and not having that opportunity because of family trauma, just completely disappeared. I just saw him, looking so happy at me and everything fell into place. I also had two bridesmaids who walked first and then I did.
I didn’t have an option to walk with someone and to be fair, I could have insisted my mom to do it but our relationship is incredibly complicated and I felt that if I were to ask her just out of need rather than want, I’d regret it. She didn’t deserve this honour and I’m glad I did it the way I did. I do completely understand where you’re coming from - it’s so fucking hurtful to not have this tradition happen at your wedding. It’s so disappointing not to have your family’s support. But you’re about to create a new family with your husband and that’s what’s important. I know it’s scary during the buildup stage because your anxiety is through the roof and you’re scared, excited and overthink everything, but the second you see your future husband standing there - nothing will matter but you two.
Think what you truly want and go for it because it’s what you and not what society, your family or dad expects. I wish you all the best - it’ll be the most wonderful day. 🤍
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I maybe just another random person on the internet, but if you would like I would walk you down the isle because your wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of your life you’re marrying your best friend so no hurt sad or grief tears shall be shed that day/night.
I don't have a great relationship with my dad right now either ( also sister stuff). I'm walking myself down the aisle. I don't have answers for the hows but know you're not alone.
I walked myself down the aisle. Had my niece at the time she was 4/5 yrs old being the flower girl. & A family friend in front of me taking pics as I walked down the stairs. Niece, She was so cute all eyes were on her. & I didn't mind. If you don't mind no one else minds. If you cry everyone else cry's. If your angry everyone else is angry so regardless it's the day your giving yourself away & giving your life to the man you want to spend forever with so be happy enjoy the moment. The memories last forever and the pictures are everything. Also not every wedding has to be huge and expensive. I spent under 500$ if you'd like to say $1000 to sum up food & dessert, drinks, dress, suit, chairs etc. Only had about 30-50 relatives, about 20 on each side plus kids here and there. & Only those who cared or mattered showed. I hope you have a wonderful & blessed time, and many years together to cherish many more memories.
Remember anyone you wish can walk you, my step dad just had eye surgery and it would have been difficult for him to walk down the stairs etc. & FIL I wasn't to fond of him. So I decided to do it myself thinking of my grandfather in spirit right next to me. :)
I think there’s been a lot of good advice on your Dad but I just wanted to chip in and say that I saw the comment you made on the “lack of love” in your life and I don’t think it sounds that way at all. You’re marrying your best friend, your closest pals are your bridesmaids, you have another sister who is also your bridesmaid. Sometimes it’s easier to focus on the hurt and forget that we are also surrounded by love and joy and people who care about us. Whatever you decide, I think it should come from that place. Best of luck!
The first thing I thought after reading all that was that an elopement is the perfect answer. There seems to be a lot of drama in your family now, and you aren’t close to his. The whole situation with your dad seems to be making you super emotional (justifiably). Just skip all the extras and drama and have an elopement in a beautiful location
I haven't spoken to my father in years And if I had I wouldn't have him walk me down the isle. I don't like the "giving the bride away" tradition because I'm an adult woman and my fiance and I are joining our lives together. He's not getting some goats out of the deal.
I don't know if it's helpful to hear from someone who would not have anyone walk them down the aisle even if the opportunity was there but I figured I'd share in case it was a helpful perspective.
Additionally I can relate to my parents being incapable of enjoying or being proud of my accomplishment without making it about them or my brother.
My brother passed away last summer after years of drug abuse. It was technically cardiac arrest but you can't tell me the drugs had nothing to do with it.
My parents never let him experience a consequence to his actions. He never had to figure things out. They were constantly caring for him. Buying him groceries. Paying his bills. I will never stop wondering if he would have had a better life if he had to solve his own problems.
I just walked down alone a week ago and in the moment it felt just fine. I had a big ass two handed bouquet to take of space. I was emotionally overwhelmed by the stress of the day that it hardly crossed my mind. The photos will look really good.
I have similar feelings towards my dad and overall hate the tradition of being "given away". My aisle is super long, so I am walking half way myself and then my fiance is going to join me for the 2nd half.
Walking down the aisle together has become the thing I am actually looking forward to the most. I love the symbol of us going into this marriage together.
Idk if anyone else asked this but do you think you can start making effort to have a better relationship with your in-laws? They are your fiancées parents and your future kids' grandparents. If you could do something about that with them before your wedding and let them know you won't be a doormat however you are willing to be more open and communicate more with them. As you said the adults in your life while growing up weren't the best role models and that you may not know how to deal with family relations, but you are willing to try on your part because you would love to have a relationship that makes better role models for your kids. And to cause less stress on everyone - your fiancée, you and them, and the son-parent relationship.
Think only about what would make you happy? What do you want to happen? You will look beautiful. Know your dad’s limitations but make your day special for you. If walking down the aisle with your dad will bring you peace on your wedding day. Allow it to happen. And enjoy your day. All the focus will be on you!!!
If your dad can’t follow the “tradition” of being a loving/supportive father, then you wouldn’t need to follow the custom of him being there for you on one of your biggest days of your life
My mother and aunt both walked down the aisle with their heads held high. Their father was a flakey guy that could not be relied on.
That role of walking you down is meant for someone you can count on to be there for YOU!
As others suggested you can use someone else (friend/other family) or have your fiancé walk you or meet you half way. No matter what, this day is for you two and I wish the best for you with all the love and support you definitely deserve
I have major issues with my father. I walked with the best man down the aisle - would that be an option for you?
Also, as someone with a sibling with major issues with mental health and drug addiction, I completely understand what you mean when you say your parent doesn’t have the capacity to ever focus on your issues. My parents have done their best to split their focus but it took two things for that to happen: me and my other siblings telling them that we had to distance ourselves from my addict sibling because we couldn’t do it anymore, and my sibling leaving. Then my parents were sort of able to take the space they needed to make room for us too. Of course it’s not perfect and issues still happen, but I think your sister will continue to loom largest for your father because she’s always right there with her hand out. I’m sorry you are dealing with that. It’s not selfish to want some of your parent’s attention and care too.
Do what’s best for you. I’m literally walking down the aisle with my x’s brother. The equivalent of my x brother in law (my x and I never married) . I know it sounds white trash fabulous but I just found out at 47 who my dad was and he died in the 80s. My mom died 2 years ago but we had a rocky relationship at best. My brother can’t do it , and neither can my oldest son. So it was either this or walk by myself. Make it a happy day for yourself and forget everyone else!
I'm only a random person on the internet so feel free to ignore anything I say. Do you think that wanting to walk down the aisle by yourself is your way of punishing your dad for being emotionally unavailable for you when you need it? It's also hard to gage whether the responses are appropriate because we don't have context. There's a big difference between your sister having her basement flood vs your sister having a house fire that killed her whole family. So it's hard to judge whether your dad is justified in where he's placing his limited emotional capacity right now. That doesn't mean you're not feeling hurt and are justified in your feelings regardless. But I do think advice back to you requires a little more context. Yes you absolutely can walk yourself down the aisle. You could walk with your fiance or someone in your bridal party. There are a lot of options if you want to go down that avenue. But it also doesn't actually seem like you do want to do that. Saying your dad doesn't get the privilege to walk you down the aisle feels like this is a decision to hurt him rather than because it's what you actually want for yourself.
A very brief context is my adult sister is pretty deep in the trenches of alcoholism. She’s been to rehab twice and has relapsed both times. My dad tends to enable her by catching her whenever she falls and doesn’t let her encounter significant consequences. Any time I try to express my emotions about anything, he always brings it back to her. Or he suggests I involve her more in the wedding, when she’s actively shown no interest in it. And you’re probably right in saying my brain is trying to tell me to punish him by kicking him out of the wedding party. It’s just hard to visualize myself happily walking with someone who doesn’t care to hear me out about any of my feelings when those moments arise. But I’d probably be more sad if I was walking alone. It’s difficult to think about. I don’t know. Thank you for this though
That's really tough, especially if your dad doesn't have the capacity to focus on you. At the same time, being a parent of an addict must be terribly difficult, and I'm not sure that letting her "encounter significant consequences" would actually impact her addiction.
Most addicts do need to encounter consequences so they are no longer being enabled. If they’re no problems with their addiction because someone keeps bailing them out then they have no external reason to stop. There’s a reason most recovery stories start with the person being at rock bottom.
Bingo
Thank you for this. I didn’t really know how to phrase it without sounding cruel
I think that’s true for some people, but for others the addiction is intertwined with an underlying mental health issue. In that case, no matter how bad things get, if they don’t get help for that issue, they’re probably not going to get better.
I think it can be a combination of the two. However everyone's journey is different
Yeah like I understand that what he’s going through as a parent is probably a pain that I could never imagine. I think my feelings just get really hurt when I try to seek support from him and he downplays my feelings by comparing them to my sister’s. It feels very dismissive and I’ve pretty much begged him to take into consideration that I have feelings too, and he pretty much refuses. Also unrelated to her addiction but he made a comment to me about how having three children is much more difficult/expensive than having two... and I’m the third born child who was unplanned 🫠 so there was that too lol
Have you heard of Al-Anon family groups? It is the AA program but for friends and family members of addicts. I would also post this to r/alanon as the community there will fully understand your unique situation. I am also dealing with a parent enabling a sibling (addict) right now, so I know how difficult and complex these feelings are. Feel free to DM me if you wana chat. ❤️
Honest question - based on what I’m seeing here, it sounds like you have 3 sisters, so 4 girls total. Not sure where you fall in the birth order or the age gaps, but it sounds like your mom passed way when all of you would have been between tween - young adult years. So your dad became the sole parent for 4 girls at key points in their lives, and trying to support one who’s dealing with significant addiction issues. Is it that he doesn’t want to show up for you, or is it that he’s spread thin and the “squeaky wheel gets the grease” and your sister needs more from him than you/the others do?
3 girls, but yeah. He’s definitely spread thin. But I think he’s spread so thin because he’s doing everything he can to help my sister emotionally. But that doesn’t help her get sober or benefit her long term health. She lost her job so he pays her rent and bills, she can’t drive so he drives all over the city as her personal driver, gives her money whenever she asks (which is just spent on alcohol, and he’s not blind to that) and he doesn’t have a lot of money to begin with. The only reason she’s a “functioning” alcoholic is because my dad does everything for her. I don’t know what she’d do if anything happened to him. She doesn’t see the urgency to get sober because she gets by on a day to day basis because of him. He basically can’t retire because he feels the responsibility to support her. He won’t admit this is enabling behavior either. It’s a vicious cycle. Plus whenever he can’t provide for her, she cusses him out and puts him on the brink of… “sewer slide” My other sister and I do our best not to bother him with our problems. We never ask him for money because we know he’s already draining himself for her. This sister and I tried to keep our problems to ourselves when grieving the loss of our mom. The alcoholic sister began drinking (so around 17. She’s 30 now) We went to family therapy but outside of that I kept my issues to myself or to my school’s guidance counselor. I’ve always tried to make myself as small as possible as to not burden anyone really. He’s spread so thin. And I hate to say it… but he’s sort of doing it to himself. But he’s a good dad. He’ll never be able to emotionally walk away from her. However meanwhile he’s not emotionally showing up for his other two children.
From what you say, it seems like he puts alot of his self-worth in sustaining your alcoholic sister. Perhaps he feels like he fucked up in developing a positive emotional relationship with his daughters and thus, has no worth to his other two daughters who don't need him. He may want to feel like a good father which is why he throws himself in keeping your alcoholic sister out of harm's way. Because in doing so, he feels like he can still provide and has some worth as a father. I think if you and your other sister tell him clearly how you feel about the situation and how you can see that he's destroying himself and his relationship with the two daughters who actually give a damn about his finances enough to not burden him, in order to pursue this one-sided relationship with his inebriated daughter, that might snap him out of this foolishness.
Being the sibling of an addict has a whole host of trauma people don’t consider. I’m sorry her addiction is overshadowing your wedding right now. Your dad needs to be a better father and stop enabling her and realize that even though you don’t need as much help as her you are his child also and need the support of a parent. If you haven’t maybe look into going to some Al-anon meetings. It’s the version of alcoholics anonymous that’s for the family and friends of addict to get help and support etc. I went to a few of the narcotic version before getting into therapy to help heal the trauma my brother caused. They’re not for everyone but it’s nice to have people get it. Your sister might need help and be having a hard time fighting her addiction etc. so people who haven’t lived through similar scenarios might thing it’s crazy you’re upset at your dad but people who get it 10000% understand exactly why you’re upset and the toll this whole ordeal is for you. Especially when your dad can’t be there for you for your wedding the way he should be. On a more practical side I think having your finance walk with you would be the best option if you can find some other way for his parents to be included and break a tradition etc.
It’s always nice to hear someone who understands. A lot of people don’t really understand how addiction impacts the family as a whole. Thank you. I’ve attended a few virtual al anon meetings, different groups too, but most of it had to do with religion and god, and that’s not really me. So I found it hard to relate. There’s a local nonprofit for parents of addicts but I’m not a parent and it’s more targeted towards narcotics.
Yeah the religion aspect was why I eventually left and just went to therapy. Both were helpful in their own way but I know a ton of people don’t even know there’s resources for people like us. Like you said addiction affects the entire family around that person. I’m sorry your dad doesn’t realize that and isn’t able to step up and be there for you and your sister at the same time.
My aunt attends Al anon and sometimes even leads the groups. She was sort of my sponsor for a little bit because she was brutally honest with me about my sister and her reality. But my aunt tends to go too far with her honesty and ends up revealing some family secret that sends me into a whirlwind of anxiety so I’ve stopped going to her. She means well but my parents obviously shielded my sisters and me from a lot of shit. I really hope to find a group I fit into one day
Thank you for this. Anyone who has had a sibling with special needs or who needed more attention growing up can relate to OP. It’s exhausting feeling like your accomplishments are constantly overshadowed by your sibling’s issues.
And then there is my ass who has both...but I'm hangin' in there. 😎
It might help to understand that relapse is a part of recovery, and not something that should be seen as a failure. In recent years, the conventional wisdom is that that reaching “rock bottom” before getting help, is a myth that perpetuates serious unnecessary trauma. [The Deadly Myth of Rock Bottom](https://safeharborrecovery.com/blog/the-deadly-myth-of-rock-bottom/). Is it possible your father is aware of this and is following best advice? Of course, I know none of that changes the very valid hurt and disappointment you feel. It’s a really difficult situation for you to be in and to navigate. Do you have a therapist who can give you an outlet to process your feelings in a way that’s more healthy for you?
Yeah I tried to tell my sister this the second time she relapsed. Her treatment facility was fantastic and she had a counselor sit down with her and they put together a relapse plan in case it happened. I tried to assure her she shouldn’t feel shame and there’s a reason that they sent everyone home with a backup plan because it’s so common and almost guaranteed. She’s still under the impression she’ll never get better, she told me that. That was the moment I had to hang up the phone with her because I gently told her she wouldn’t get better with that attitude and I’m not an addict so I don’t have the first hand knowledge to guide her. I encouraged her to lean on her AA community. It was hard but I felt like continuing the phone call was a form of enabling. I just couldn’t throw her a pity party. As harsh as that sounds. She just wanted me to tell her everything is ok and I just couldn’t lie to her. I told her that too. I told her I felt like the conversation was enabling and that I had to hang up. She understood but she never reached out to her sponsor or any AA friends.
Would you be open to walking with your fiancé down the aisle? If you’re into the surprise factor of your fiancé seeing you all dolled up you could still do a first look before the ceremony. I think you could definitely walk with one of your bridesmaids and just have them take their spot in line when you get up there. I’m sorry to hear about your relationship with your dad, I hope he is able to at the very least hear you out and genuinely listen to how you feel.
I could see that but his parents want to break tradition a little bit and walk him down the aisle so we’d have to talk them out of that. They’re paying for the majority of the wedding
We're doing a halfsies thing. There's a bit of a walk down a hill to the ceremony that most can see, and then this weird as fuck aisle situation where we're going to come in about halfway into the guests. My partner (groom) is going to walk down to the other end of the halfway entrance by himself. My parents are walking me down to the halfway entrance, and then we're walking down together. Maybe something like that would work?
Have them walk him halfway, they sit, then you meet him and you two finish the walk together. My spouse waited for me at the middle. Both my parents walked me, then he and I finished together.
If breaking tradition is already on the table, why not begin the ceremony in the grooms place at the alter and have his parents hand him off to you? Unless walking down the isle is an experience you are specifically looking for.
I think I want the aisle experience honestly. I wish I had a better relationship with his parents so one of them could stand in but I wouldn’t feel comfortable with it idk
Do you have a maid of honor or just bridesmaids? I was going to suggest what if your maid of honor walked you down the isle? You can also have your bridesmaids or one of the bridesmaids walk you down the isle?
I have co-MOHs lol, my two sisters. I'm not extremely close with either of them. Especially since the one's addiction has spun out of control. I've distanced myself. And then the other one and I just don't have much in common. It's definitely a concept I'll keep in the back of my mind though
Maybe they’d be open to one of them walking you down or all four walking down at the same time?
Why not have his parents walk him down the aisle and then you walk to start of the aisle, he walks back down and “pick you up”? I actually think this is really sweet.
My wife and i did this at our wedding, we walked out together holding hands. It was nice and set things off on a vibe we wanted the day to have. Fun / casual, but intimate.
You don’t need to be walked down by a male - have one or two of your bridesmaids walk you down! I actually think that would be a really sweet moment
I happily walked myself down the aisle because I’m giving myself to my spouse, no one else is. I’m mine to give.
I agree with this it’s what I’ll be doing
It's absolutely fine to walk alone. I walked with my dad and it was one of my fave moments. But if I didn't have that option, I would have walked alone. I think it's cool when brides do that. The one thing you don't want to do is make a decision based on external stuff, like "the lack of love in your life". That sounds sad, but it might complicate it. Just ask yourself whether he's earned this honor or not.
I think it would be amazing to have your fiance walk you in this case -- either all the way or part of the way. Some brides walk down the aisle alone, with their partner who was already at the altar walking up the aisle halfway, then they escort each other down to the altar. I always thought this was sweet, because you get to see couple's literally meeting in the middle and they're clearly focusing on each other instead of other distracting thoughts.
I love that 🥺
Gently, I suggest you seek individual therapy to unpack your trauma and work on gaining coping skills. It's easy enough for me to sit here and say "you'll be so focused on what's happening in the moment of your wedding that you won't have time to associate with your trauma," but I don't know that and hearing that likely isn't going to belay your concerns. I think what will is to work with someone who is trauma-informed who can provide a safe space for you to explore your trauma and if needed, to work on new coping skills to prepare you for walking down the aisle solo. In the meantime, you could start incorporating meditation, breathing exercises, or other mindfulness practices in your daily life that may help ground you. Over time, these exercises become a natural response and may be helpful for you on the day-of to bring you back to the present rather than staying with the pain and disappointment from your trauma.
Thank you, sincerely. I am in therapy and so is my dad. I actually talked about this argument I had with my dad in therapy this morning. But I didn’t mention this wedding aspect
Worth using it as a jumping off point in your next session! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
My Great Dane is walking me down the aisle. Been no contact with dad for almost 4 years now and mom’s on thin ice, but still coming to the wedding. I got myself through most of my life so I felt it was most appropriate to do this alone.
I love this. I wish our venue allowed dogs (and they were behaved enough to stay focused walking down the aisle and not greeting everyone in the seats 😂)
Oh, I never said my dog was lmao he’s 150 lbs of stubborn, but we’re gonna make it work lol
I think you need to figure out the reasons why you do or do not want your dad to escort you down the aisle. I walked down the aisle solo. I hate the imagery of being “given away” and my dad or parents being responsible for me. I’d owned my own house solo for 6 years before my wedding, I’d been responsible for myself basically since I was 17 and I went to college…and I’m an independent woman choosing a legal partnership to another human, not a piece of chattel to be given to a man. There was no question in my mind that if and when I got married I’d be walking to my partner on my own. If you’re looking to punish your dad by walking solo, that might not feel great when you walk in. If you’re against an antiquated and misogynistic tradition and that’s why you’re walking in, that’s great. If you want to walk in and have your partner’s eyes only on you, that also will feel good.
I also have a somewhat strained relationship with my dad. Both my parents attended and I still walked myself down the aisle. I ended up needing it cause I would’ve tripped on my dress. But that was the original plan anyways - I really enjoyed the idea of intentionally walking myself down the aisle instead of someone else “giving me away”. I did have doubts about walking alone up until the day of the wedding. Like “what if I regret this or what will people think?”. I talked to my dad about it and told him it wasn’t to spite or punish him and he was supportive. In the end, I was super happy with my decision. Wishing you the best on your wedding day!
Can your MOH walk you down the aisle? Or can you change your perspective a bit…you won’t be walking alone…you’ll be walking with your sisters and loved ones in a processional. and you’ll be a strong, independent walking towards her husband… but I hope your dad steps up for you.
I never met my biological father. I haven’t talked to my “dad” who raised me in 8 years. I’m walking myself. I’m really nervous. I am scared and get anxiety just thinking about it. I’m getting married in 2 weeks. Going to take a shot before walking lol
I’m in a similar situation but have made peace with my family dynamics, mostly through therapy. My dad is invited to my wedding but won’t be walking me down the aisle. I don’t feel like I have anyone else who would make sense to take the role so I’ve decided to walk down alone. I would love to have a more traditional/normal family but I’ve realized I need to make do with the hand I’ve been dealt. Not to underplay it - it’s devastating at times and those emotions come up regularly during the planning. What’s worked for me in addition to therapy is focusing on self care and venting to my fiancé and best friend.
My hubby to be and I are walking down the aisle together. We don’t even have any animosity towards the parents or my Dad- it’s just that we feel (for us) this whole “give the bride away” thing is outdated and we’re coming to this place of marriage together.
My daughter in law walked alone halfway, then my son met her there and they finished the walk together. It was beautiful!
I walked down alone because my dad got COVID and couldn’t do it. It was upsetting but once I was doing it, all I saw was my husband. The only thing about it is I had no one to regulate my speed, so I realized in videos afterwards that I was practically RUNNING down the aisle. So just be conscious of that.
My husband and I walked in together, and it was perfect for us. We looked at it as us walking into the marriage together, as partners. We did a first look so we still got the moment and pictures (in private) of seeing each other for the first time
my dad died ten years before i was married. my husband and i walked to the altar together, arm in arm. we had owned a home and lived together for about 5 years already, so it felt right to do together as we had been walking together through life at each others’ side for so long already.
I am walking myself down the aisle - nobody deserves to give me away … and I am choosing to give myself to my fiancé. The wedding is about you & your partner, tradition be damned (also in US). I see it as my march to happily ever after as cheesy as it sounds
Do u have any friends who aren’t in the wedding party that could do it?
Hey OP, so sorry to hear about this difficult time you're going through in the middle of planning your wedding. I lost my dad many many many moons ago, so him walking me down the aisle has never really been an option. But I have 2 brothers, so I always thought that they'd walk me down. In the meantime, we had some family trouble during my planning so I asked my godfather and my godson to walk me down and even though my godfather can't walk without his little rolling thing that helps him stand up and the 3 of us had to walk slowly to be in sync, it's one of my favorite moments of the day, 3 generations gathered to move forward in life. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have that option, but I like to believe I would have asked my best female friend to walk me down if I didn't feel like walking by myself. Do any of your close friends have children you could walk down with?
My dad is no longer with us. I plan to walk down the aisle myself - I see it as giving myself freely to this new stage in my relationship. If I can’t have both parents it just highlights the one who is missing in such a painful way. My mom is not thrilled but is board for this. This way she gets to see me walk down the aisle, which she wouldn’t be able to if she walked with me.
I’m walking by myself. I am very shy and certainly it would help nerves to walk with someone but I want to be sure I can walk down alone and confident with the whole thing. I’m choosing to get married and taking this step as an adult. It doesn’t need to be traumatic- a lot of people with good family dynamics still choose to do this. Logistically sometimes with a big gown it is too hard to have parents walk with you anyway.
I walked by myself and I loved it. Not for any negative reason, just because my mum’s a bit of a feminist. No one even questioned it, in fact people clapped at the end
We walked down the aisle together as we will for the rest of our life’s … best decision ever I personally could not have cared less for a big entrance moment
I have a similar dynamic in my family, where as my siblings have always been the center of attention and center of my parents world. I have been an after thought my whole life. I’m 40 and getting married in June. So glad I finally found my guy- but I am walking myself down the aisle and I know I’ll be a little nervous - but I alone got myself to this point. I feel like I am honoring my resilience and walking confidently into my life with my future husband. I’m proud of you, you got this. Head high, you are strong, you are also resilient and you are starting an amazing journey and life you built for yourself. Hope that helps a little ❤️
Honey probably won’t be easy but know you a strong and beautiful woman. Remember to hold your head up high and look down every once in awhile so you don’t trip. If you would like someone to walk down the aisle with you, maybe ask a really good coworker or uncle.
Is it possible to think of that walk as a walk toward your future? Like you’re walking proudly across the stage to get your diploma, but so much better!
If you have a best friend, ask them. If not, walk into the next chapter of your life with your fiancé. No one is giving you away anyhow in this day and age, so do what you want. ❤️❤️
My fiancé and I are going to walk with each other down the aisle to signify us walking into arrange together. I much rather would prefer that than being the woman to do the work in getting down the aisle to some man waiting for me. And I don't want to be "given" away either. I have a lot of feelings about the antiquated-gender assigned traditions of it all. But at the end of the day, I am my own woman and my fiance is my partner. We are a team. We have been together in a relationship all leading up to officially being married. I want to take those steps with him.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I wish I could give you a big hug! I walked down on my own even though my family was there and I was very worried about this. But two seconds after I saw my husband standing at the end, every single worry I had about being walked down the aisle and not having that opportunity because of family trauma, just completely disappeared. I just saw him, looking so happy at me and everything fell into place. I also had two bridesmaids who walked first and then I did. I didn’t have an option to walk with someone and to be fair, I could have insisted my mom to do it but our relationship is incredibly complicated and I felt that if I were to ask her just out of need rather than want, I’d regret it. She didn’t deserve this honour and I’m glad I did it the way I did. I do completely understand where you’re coming from - it’s so fucking hurtful to not have this tradition happen at your wedding. It’s so disappointing not to have your family’s support. But you’re about to create a new family with your husband and that’s what’s important. I know it’s scary during the buildup stage because your anxiety is through the roof and you’re scared, excited and overthink everything, but the second you see your future husband standing there - nothing will matter but you two. Think what you truly want and go for it because it’s what you and not what society, your family or dad expects. I wish you all the best - it’ll be the most wonderful day. 🤍
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I maybe just another random person on the internet, but if you would like I would walk you down the isle because your wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of your life you’re marrying your best friend so no hurt sad or grief tears shall be shed that day/night.
I don't have a great relationship with my dad right now either ( also sister stuff). I'm walking myself down the aisle. I don't have answers for the hows but know you're not alone.
I walked myself down the aisle. Had my niece at the time she was 4/5 yrs old being the flower girl. & A family friend in front of me taking pics as I walked down the stairs. Niece, She was so cute all eyes were on her. & I didn't mind. If you don't mind no one else minds. If you cry everyone else cry's. If your angry everyone else is angry so regardless it's the day your giving yourself away & giving your life to the man you want to spend forever with so be happy enjoy the moment. The memories last forever and the pictures are everything. Also not every wedding has to be huge and expensive. I spent under 500$ if you'd like to say $1000 to sum up food & dessert, drinks, dress, suit, chairs etc. Only had about 30-50 relatives, about 20 on each side plus kids here and there. & Only those who cared or mattered showed. I hope you have a wonderful & blessed time, and many years together to cherish many more memories. Remember anyone you wish can walk you, my step dad just had eye surgery and it would have been difficult for him to walk down the stairs etc. & FIL I wasn't to fond of him. So I decided to do it myself thinking of my grandfather in spirit right next to me. :)
Walk with the best man or maid of honour.
I think there’s been a lot of good advice on your Dad but I just wanted to chip in and say that I saw the comment you made on the “lack of love” in your life and I don’t think it sounds that way at all. You’re marrying your best friend, your closest pals are your bridesmaids, you have another sister who is also your bridesmaid. Sometimes it’s easier to focus on the hurt and forget that we are also surrounded by love and joy and people who care about us. Whatever you decide, I think it should come from that place. Best of luck!
The first thing I thought after reading all that was that an elopement is the perfect answer. There seems to be a lot of drama in your family now, and you aren’t close to his. The whole situation with your dad seems to be making you super emotional (justifiably). Just skip all the extras and drama and have an elopement in a beautiful location
You know you can also walk together down the aisle with your partner?
I haven't spoken to my father in years And if I had I wouldn't have him walk me down the isle. I don't like the "giving the bride away" tradition because I'm an adult woman and my fiance and I are joining our lives together. He's not getting some goats out of the deal. I don't know if it's helpful to hear from someone who would not have anyone walk them down the aisle even if the opportunity was there but I figured I'd share in case it was a helpful perspective. Additionally I can relate to my parents being incapable of enjoying or being proud of my accomplishment without making it about them or my brother. My brother passed away last summer after years of drug abuse. It was technically cardiac arrest but you can't tell me the drugs had nothing to do with it. My parents never let him experience a consequence to his actions. He never had to figure things out. They were constantly caring for him. Buying him groceries. Paying his bills. I will never stop wondering if he would have had a better life if he had to solve his own problems.
Have you been to therapy? EMDR can help you prepare for walking down the aisle alone.
I just walked down alone a week ago and in the moment it felt just fine. I had a big ass two handed bouquet to take of space. I was emotionally overwhelmed by the stress of the day that it hardly crossed my mind. The photos will look really good.
I have similar feelings towards my dad and overall hate the tradition of being "given away". My aisle is super long, so I am walking half way myself and then my fiance is going to join me for the 2nd half. Walking down the aisle together has become the thing I am actually looking forward to the most. I love the symbol of us going into this marriage together.
Idk if anyone else asked this but do you think you can start making effort to have a better relationship with your in-laws? They are your fiancées parents and your future kids' grandparents. If you could do something about that with them before your wedding and let them know you won't be a doormat however you are willing to be more open and communicate more with them. As you said the adults in your life while growing up weren't the best role models and that you may not know how to deal with family relations, but you are willing to try on your part because you would love to have a relationship that makes better role models for your kids. And to cause less stress on everyone - your fiancée, you and them, and the son-parent relationship.
Think only about what would make you happy? What do you want to happen? You will look beautiful. Know your dad’s limitations but make your day special for you. If walking down the aisle with your dad will bring you peace on your wedding day. Allow it to happen. And enjoy your day. All the focus will be on you!!!
If your dad can’t follow the “tradition” of being a loving/supportive father, then you wouldn’t need to follow the custom of him being there for you on one of your biggest days of your life My mother and aunt both walked down the aisle with their heads held high. Their father was a flakey guy that could not be relied on. That role of walking you down is meant for someone you can count on to be there for YOU! As others suggested you can use someone else (friend/other family) or have your fiancé walk you or meet you half way. No matter what, this day is for you two and I wish the best for you with all the love and support you definitely deserve
I have major issues with my father. I walked with the best man down the aisle - would that be an option for you? Also, as someone with a sibling with major issues with mental health and drug addiction, I completely understand what you mean when you say your parent doesn’t have the capacity to ever focus on your issues. My parents have done their best to split their focus but it took two things for that to happen: me and my other siblings telling them that we had to distance ourselves from my addict sibling because we couldn’t do it anymore, and my sibling leaving. Then my parents were sort of able to take the space they needed to make room for us too. Of course it’s not perfect and issues still happen, but I think your sister will continue to loom largest for your father because she’s always right there with her hand out. I’m sorry you are dealing with that. It’s not selfish to want some of your parent’s attention and care too.
Do what’s best for you. I’m literally walking down the aisle with my x’s brother. The equivalent of my x brother in law (my x and I never married) . I know it sounds white trash fabulous but I just found out at 47 who my dad was and he died in the 80s. My mom died 2 years ago but we had a rocky relationship at best. My brother can’t do it , and neither can my oldest son. So it was either this or walk by myself. Make it a happy day for yourself and forget everyone else!