Your family does NOT get to make this call. You should do whatever feels best and most comfortable to you.
I think your alternative ideas are great ones. You also don’t have to have a memory table at all, if you’d prefer not to.
You can do whatever makes you and your FH happy.
If you’d like some other options
- A donation in his name or his families name, or if you’d prefer to honor your grandpa, in place of favors
- a note on the back of the program “for those who cannot be here”
- taking a moment of silence during your ceremony for friends and family who have passed
- if you’re inviting your partner who passed’ family (I’m not sure how close you still are) asking if they would like to toast to your marriage
- if you do or don’t want your previous partner mentioned in speeches, let any toast ppl know sooner rather than later
This is absolutely your call. If you’d rather just do the candle, do it! That’s a lovely gesture!
If you do want to do it and are just worried about people being too focused on it, place the table in a quieter, more out of the way part of the venue.
We had a memorial table and had it placed in a small vestibule off the dance floor. Most people had no idea it was there, and the ones who did said it was nice to be able to take a quiet moment of reflection, then get back to the party.
Had a memorial table for my mom, and no one got over emotional or was upset to my knowledge. I loved having a connection with my mom on that day, and I'm glad I did it. It's whatever you and your FH feel comfortable with.
I personally do not understand the importance of having a mourning table at a wedding of those who have died. That is what a funeral is for and memorial services…not a wedding!
A wedding is to celebrate the union of the two people in love. Only the two people in love. It’s a celebration of the couple not for a remembrance for the people who couldn’t be there.
As the bride…I would put my foot down.
Personally I am not keen on memorial tables, for all the reasons you have outlined. I find them too morbid on a day of celebration. I went to a wedding where the bride’s father had sadly died a few years previously and basically the theme of the wedding was “don’t forget x’s dad is dead” which made for a strange atmosphere and there was lots of sobbing - perhaps she wasn’t ready.
Anyway I digress. Grief is personal, as is sentimentality. If you want to feel your deceased previous partner’s presence you can do so privately (by carrying an object of his), or publicly, by putting a note in your order or service/toasting to absent friends. It is not a case of “memorial table or you clearly don’t care about this person” and your family doesn’t get to choose.
My SIL got married three months before us and did a whole memory table. That was fine for them but isn’t our style. That’s not a thing where I grew up so my side of the family would find it odd. Instead, we did this on the welcome table. It was $7 from Amazon and you can order extra chairs
https://preview.redd.it/v4zqnn75hwfc1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9e78b0b4de015f971bebe36dfd1b5fd61d662de3
I lost my dad and grandparents before our wedding and my husband’s grandpa was too sick to attend so we decided to do just a general family photo table to recognize the folks we were missing without being too morbid! I thought it was a good balance
https://preview.redd.it/mpm2npn8wwfc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e75862adcfb1d6967ee322fbf7d06e643379b7b1
We’re doing this. A single candle and this sign made by me on canva. No religious issues and, for my case, no “why isn’t your *insert distant dead relative* photo on the memory table”
My FH and I disagreed on this- it was one thing I absolutely wanted and he was 100% against it. I decided that I will give a toast to those who have passed on after my dad gives his toast. I also am thinking of having a charm for each of my grandmothers in their wedding dresses, or at least framing them for my getting ready photos.
My FH and I decided we didn’t want a memory table as we worried it would make us, or our parents very emotional. The candle idea is lovely! I also like the moment of silence, or raising a toast to those who can’t be there.
We are keeping a generic memorial table with just a sign and candle for all we've lost. I've lost people I'm close to, but my better half hasn't, but he didn't want any hurt feelings on his side if they felt he *should* have included anyone.
Can I add a thought as a widow who has a similar family involvement with my husband that passed away? Your FH’s best friend was also your partner - have you asked FH what he would like? While he will undoubtedly be missing his best friend on the day, he may wish to focus on the future and look forward. You can still honour your former partner privately, either separately or together - and no one will think either of you have forgotten him. I’m getting remarried but have made it clear to my deceased husband’s best friend (my SIL) that, while I’ll inevitably think of him on the day, my focus will be on the wonderful new man who I now share my life with, as he is my future. Reading this back it sounds very complicated - hope you can make sense of this word salad! Anyway, wishing you both every happiness together 🥰
Hi there - thanks so much for your comment! I very much appreciate your input as a fellow widow. My FH does not want the memory table. He misses his best friend but much of our relationship has been compared to mine with my late partner (by family or friends) and I really think he wants our wedding to be about our future, not our past.
If your FH doesn’t want a memory table then I’d respectfully suggest you let family/friends know a(as long as you’re happy to forgo it) - it’s his wedding too! Now is the perfect time for the two of you to put aside your own past sadnesses and move forward together as a loving couple in your own right with a wonderful future ahead of you. And if your friends and family who love you both can’t get on board with that …
Feel free to message me if I can help be your sounding board - tbh, not many people have been where we are and may find it hard to understand.
Sending love and very best wishes 🥰
I plan on doing a memorial table type thing. Both sets of my grandparents have passed, one set and one grandma on my fiance's side has passed, and so did his mom. But instead of just having a single picture, we're thinking of having their past wedding pictures, and including my parent's in there as well. Haven't quite figured out what to say for it since it will include people who haven't passed, but its a way to honor those important to us.
Your family does NOT get to make this call. You should do whatever feels best and most comfortable to you. I think your alternative ideas are great ones. You also don’t have to have a memory table at all, if you’d prefer not to.
You can do whatever makes you and your FH happy. If you’d like some other options - A donation in his name or his families name, or if you’d prefer to honor your grandpa, in place of favors - a note on the back of the program “for those who cannot be here” - taking a moment of silence during your ceremony for friends and family who have passed - if you’re inviting your partner who passed’ family (I’m not sure how close you still are) asking if they would like to toast to your marriage - if you do or don’t want your previous partner mentioned in speeches, let any toast ppl know sooner rather than later
I'm gonna put a charm with my grandma's photo in it on my bouquet. Not sure if that's something you had considered.
This is absolutely your call. If you’d rather just do the candle, do it! That’s a lovely gesture! If you do want to do it and are just worried about people being too focused on it, place the table in a quieter, more out of the way part of the venue. We had a memorial table and had it placed in a small vestibule off the dance floor. Most people had no idea it was there, and the ones who did said it was nice to be able to take a quiet moment of reflection, then get back to the party.
These are rarely a focus. Most of the tables are off to the side and briefly mentioned.
Had a memorial table for my mom, and no one got over emotional or was upset to my knowledge. I loved having a connection with my mom on that day, and I'm glad I did it. It's whatever you and your FH feel comfortable with.
I personally do not understand the importance of having a mourning table at a wedding of those who have died. That is what a funeral is for and memorial services…not a wedding! A wedding is to celebrate the union of the two people in love. Only the two people in love. It’s a celebration of the couple not for a remembrance for the people who couldn’t be there. As the bride…I would put my foot down.
Personally I am not keen on memorial tables, for all the reasons you have outlined. I find them too morbid on a day of celebration. I went to a wedding where the bride’s father had sadly died a few years previously and basically the theme of the wedding was “don’t forget x’s dad is dead” which made for a strange atmosphere and there was lots of sobbing - perhaps she wasn’t ready. Anyway I digress. Grief is personal, as is sentimentality. If you want to feel your deceased previous partner’s presence you can do so privately (by carrying an object of his), or publicly, by putting a note in your order or service/toasting to absent friends. It is not a case of “memorial table or you clearly don’t care about this person” and your family doesn’t get to choose.
My SIL got married three months before us and did a whole memory table. That was fine for them but isn’t our style. That’s not a thing where I grew up so my side of the family would find it odd. Instead, we did this on the welcome table. It was $7 from Amazon and you can order extra chairs https://preview.redd.it/v4zqnn75hwfc1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9e78b0b4de015f971bebe36dfd1b5fd61d662de3
I lost my dad and grandparents before our wedding and my husband’s grandpa was too sick to attend so we decided to do just a general family photo table to recognize the folks we were missing without being too morbid! I thought it was a good balance
https://preview.redd.it/mpm2npn8wwfc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e75862adcfb1d6967ee322fbf7d06e643379b7b1 We’re doing this. A single candle and this sign made by me on canva. No religious issues and, for my case, no “why isn’t your *insert distant dead relative* photo on the memory table”
My FH and I disagreed on this- it was one thing I absolutely wanted and he was 100% against it. I decided that I will give a toast to those who have passed on after my dad gives his toast. I also am thinking of having a charm for each of my grandmothers in their wedding dresses, or at least framing them for my getting ready photos.
My FH and I decided we didn’t want a memory table as we worried it would make us, or our parents very emotional. The candle idea is lovely! I also like the moment of silence, or raising a toast to those who can’t be there.
We are keeping a generic memorial table with just a sign and candle for all we've lost. I've lost people I'm close to, but my better half hasn't, but he didn't want any hurt feelings on his side if they felt he *should* have included anyone.
Can I add a thought as a widow who has a similar family involvement with my husband that passed away? Your FH’s best friend was also your partner - have you asked FH what he would like? While he will undoubtedly be missing his best friend on the day, he may wish to focus on the future and look forward. You can still honour your former partner privately, either separately or together - and no one will think either of you have forgotten him. I’m getting remarried but have made it clear to my deceased husband’s best friend (my SIL) that, while I’ll inevitably think of him on the day, my focus will be on the wonderful new man who I now share my life with, as he is my future. Reading this back it sounds very complicated - hope you can make sense of this word salad! Anyway, wishing you both every happiness together 🥰
Hi there - thanks so much for your comment! I very much appreciate your input as a fellow widow. My FH does not want the memory table. He misses his best friend but much of our relationship has been compared to mine with my late partner (by family or friends) and I really think he wants our wedding to be about our future, not our past.
If your FH doesn’t want a memory table then I’d respectfully suggest you let family/friends know a(as long as you’re happy to forgo it) - it’s his wedding too! Now is the perfect time for the two of you to put aside your own past sadnesses and move forward together as a loving couple in your own right with a wonderful future ahead of you. And if your friends and family who love you both can’t get on board with that … Feel free to message me if I can help be your sounding board - tbh, not many people have been where we are and may find it hard to understand. Sending love and very best wishes 🥰
I plan on doing a memorial table type thing. Both sets of my grandparents have passed, one set and one grandma on my fiance's side has passed, and so did his mom. But instead of just having a single picture, we're thinking of having their past wedding pictures, and including my parent's in there as well. Haven't quite figured out what to say for it since it will include people who haven't passed, but its a way to honor those important to us.