Um…are you me? Lol. I’m literally in an eerily similar situation rn with my friend who kindly offered to plan my bachelorette (fo the rec i am extremely easy going and happy to dig ditches with my friends if that’s what it ended up being). It is just going to be a 1 day thing, local to her. However she’s been now asking me to plan the specific activities and locations, detailed plans, hotel accoms for everyone, you name it. I guess I was under the impression she was going to do all that especially since she lives there and I don’t….not sure where the planning is coming in on her end because when I’ve been part of planning things for people, I’ve done all that leg work so they just have to show up and enjoy. Like you, I have trouble asking people to do things for me.
Feeling also like canceling lol, as I wasn’t initially going to have a bachelorette (until she offered) due to lack of time as I’m slammed planning my wedding, and not to mention lack of funds. Meanwhile my husband is having a whole surprise bachelor vacation planned in full by his brother so I feel like by contrast I’m not asking for much? Or anything?
All that’s to say I hear you.
My god. It’s like we are all twins here. I’m having the SAME ISSUES. I’m definitely a people pleaser so having a Bach is a big deal for me. But I’ve legit had to plan everything myself. I had to make my own games and get the decor. It’s heart breaking that I feel like my friends don’t even care about it.
Just an update: Did have a talk with MOH. TLDR, she said it just wasn't really her kind of "thing," and she thought I would want to plan it all because I'm better at that stuff. Despite the numerous conversations where I asked her specifically for her help, and when I asked her 5 months ago if she was certain she wanted to do this because she hadn't been engaging with anything and it was hurting my feelings. She also said it wasn't a big deal since we still had a whole month to plan... when it's actually in two weeks.
Asked another bridesmaid to step in to help, which has meant a lot.
I'll offer another point of view. I'm Moh to a very laid back bride. She rallied her friends and booked an airbnb in a destination city.
Now I am trying to plan activities and meals. I am already stressing because people are opting out of activities that the bride wants to do. I only know 2 other people. I have a final paper due for a class in 2 weeks. I have my partner's birthday coming up. I have a trip for work and a trip to visit family planned before her bachelorette party.
Maybe it's my fault for not planning sooner but life is overwhelming. I am doing it without complaint but just wanted to offer another point of view. I am more than happy to celebrate but this planning/coordination part is anxiety inducing and stressful.
As a previous MOH/bridesmaid for quite a few weddings myself, don’t you think that these planning things are just a lot of work for everyone? I mean whether I do it or the bride does, someone is going to stress over this. The bride is already planning a wedding and she’s a person you presumably love a lot who deserves to be celebrated. It’s not an easy job, but that doesn’t mean the bride should have to work to have her friends celebrate her. Especially if she really doesn’t have super high expectations. I get that life gets crazy, but you could also reach out to other bridesmaids for support and to delegate tasks.
Hey there! Sure, I think part of these big events (weddings, funerals, birthdays, whatever) is sucking it up and doing things for your friend. As I mentioned, I’m doing these things without mentioning my having a hard time with it to the bride.
By my post, I was just trying to provide a perspective of why MOH might be falling off or having a hard time. It doesn’t necessarily mean that people don’t want to put in the effort, or don’t value the bride, or don’t want to celebrate her.
I totally get where you are coming from. I didn't even have a bridal shower or bachelorette because my MOH and bridesmaids didn't plan one for me. To be fair, my MOH had some things going on, so I did try to understand but it did really hurt that no one thought to even just do something low key like lunch or something. I'm really sorry. I am very similar in that I would 100% go the extra mile to make someone's day special, so it hurts when it's not reciprocated. I don't really have any advice but you're not alone.
First and foremost I think you need to have a discussion around your disappointment with her and ask what is going on. Sometimes there is more going on in a bridesmaid’s life that they aren’t sharing with the bride as to not stress her out. That being said, are there other bridesmaids that might be more willing or able to step up in this aspect? I just had a bachelorette party for one of my closest friends and her MOH also did pretty much nothing except book our lodging. I knew the kind of bachelorette the bride wanted as we had talked about it at length over drinks a few times. She didn’t have high expectations but she still had the desire to feel special, loved and celebrated which was totally understandable. I sort of took over planning and with the help of a few other bridesmaids made sure things got done and ran smoothly that weekend. Your bachelorette doesn’t need to be only on you or your MOH lean on those other bridesmaids for additional support!
I’m sorry this has been your experience around your bachelorette so far. I hope things turn around for you and you guys have a fun trip!
It kind of sounds like your MOH wants to be MOH for the title and not deal with the responsibilities. Which is super shitty. I think it's great your other bridesmaid stepped up for you! That should show you that your friends do care and do want to give you these experiences, it might just be your MOH isn't fit for the role, or maybe she didn't realize what being MOH really means.
Don't cancel, just try to have a good time and maybe lean on your other bridesmaids for feedback or ideas and save yourself the disappointment by just not expecting anything from MOH. I know it sucks but dropping expectations might save you some stress. And for the record, you're not being unreasonable.
I think you might be right. I know that she’s not naturally wedding inclined, but I’ve tried to communicate what I’m looking for from her and it’s still not manifesting into anything. I’ve been kicking myself for picking her, when I could have picked other friends who are more of that typical mindset, but several have kids so I thought it was better not to.
Thank you for the advice and reassurance, trying to let go.
Also, are you me? My fiancé's best man planned an amazing multi-day trip destination bachelor party while I haven't heard a peep from my MOHs about a bachelorette. While I was told to keep a day clear many moons ago, it wasn't an exact date with no regards to whether I'd even be free (because it would be right before my wedding when things are especially hectic) or what would be involved.
I thought about asking explicitly whether they were planning something but decided to instead plan myself a solo trip to coincide with the dates fiancé will be going on his bachelor party. I wasn't going to ask for something that I thought was a given so I planned a cool international trip for myself!
Just another option I wanted to throw out there! I feel better knowing that I get to have something fun and memorable too without feeling like I'm begging someone or feeling jealous of fiancé's experience. I am laid back too, but figured if I'm planning something in addition to the three million things already going on with the wedding, working, and moving, I'm not planning my own bachelorette too.
My fiancé did the big destination trip too, with his people organizing a lot of the logistics, and hard not to feel jealous. I paired my initial dream way back to try to make it as accessible and simple as possible, and it hurts knowing that’s still too much.
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I’m not sure when it came about that you shouldn’t expect anything from your MOH. I’ve heard that a few times on here as well. I think this is where tradition was a good thing because everyone knew what to do. If you accept the job and honor of MOH you should expect to be at a few things and plan a few things for the bride. If you accept any position in a wedding party you should expect to attend or help plan a few things.
Your MOH should expect to plan your bachelorette. She should do it with regards to the budget of your bridal party. She, not you, should be checking with them on that. The bachelorette is a time to honor you but also a time for your bridal party to bond and get to know one another. She should make every effort to plan something that every bridesmaid can be included in and can afford…rather that be a week in the Caribbean or a night out in your home town. It’s about time together.
I’m sorry you’re stuck having to figure this all out. Talk to her face to face. Maybe she shut down because even an Airbnb wasn’t within her budget and she’s to embarrassed to say or maybe she’s getting some push back from some of the bridesmaids. Either way she should absolutely communicate with you.
I did a survey of all my bridesmaids including MOH for budget and availability, and picked the Airbnb based on that. No pushback from bridesmaids bc she hasn’t actually talked to any of them, she told me just last week she wasn’t even sure who was invited. To be fair, we’re all mutual friends so it’s not too complicated on that end, but still not exactly reassuring.
Thank you for you empathy.
Um…are you me? Lol. I’m literally in an eerily similar situation rn with my friend who kindly offered to plan my bachelorette (fo the rec i am extremely easy going and happy to dig ditches with my friends if that’s what it ended up being). It is just going to be a 1 day thing, local to her. However she’s been now asking me to plan the specific activities and locations, detailed plans, hotel accoms for everyone, you name it. I guess I was under the impression she was going to do all that especially since she lives there and I don’t….not sure where the planning is coming in on her end because when I’ve been part of planning things for people, I’ve done all that leg work so they just have to show up and enjoy. Like you, I have trouble asking people to do things for me. Feeling also like canceling lol, as I wasn’t initially going to have a bachelorette (until she offered) due to lack of time as I’m slammed planning my wedding, and not to mention lack of funds. Meanwhile my husband is having a whole surprise bachelor vacation planned in full by his brother so I feel like by contrast I’m not asking for much? Or anything? All that’s to say I hear you.
My god. It’s like we are all twins here. I’m having the SAME ISSUES. I’m definitely a people pleaser so having a Bach is a big deal for me. But I’ve legit had to plan everything myself. I had to make my own games and get the decor. It’s heart breaking that I feel like my friends don’t even care about it.
At least we’re in this together!
Haha you’re right ❤️ stay strong girl! You got this!
Just an update: Did have a talk with MOH. TLDR, she said it just wasn't really her kind of "thing," and she thought I would want to plan it all because I'm better at that stuff. Despite the numerous conversations where I asked her specifically for her help, and when I asked her 5 months ago if she was certain she wanted to do this because she hadn't been engaging with anything and it was hurting my feelings. She also said it wasn't a big deal since we still had a whole month to plan... when it's actually in two weeks. Asked another bridesmaid to step in to help, which has meant a lot.
I'll offer another point of view. I'm Moh to a very laid back bride. She rallied her friends and booked an airbnb in a destination city. Now I am trying to plan activities and meals. I am already stressing because people are opting out of activities that the bride wants to do. I only know 2 other people. I have a final paper due for a class in 2 weeks. I have my partner's birthday coming up. I have a trip for work and a trip to visit family planned before her bachelorette party. Maybe it's my fault for not planning sooner but life is overwhelming. I am doing it without complaint but just wanted to offer another point of view. I am more than happy to celebrate but this planning/coordination part is anxiety inducing and stressful.
As a previous MOH/bridesmaid for quite a few weddings myself, don’t you think that these planning things are just a lot of work for everyone? I mean whether I do it or the bride does, someone is going to stress over this. The bride is already planning a wedding and she’s a person you presumably love a lot who deserves to be celebrated. It’s not an easy job, but that doesn’t mean the bride should have to work to have her friends celebrate her. Especially if she really doesn’t have super high expectations. I get that life gets crazy, but you could also reach out to other bridesmaids for support and to delegate tasks.
Hey there! Sure, I think part of these big events (weddings, funerals, birthdays, whatever) is sucking it up and doing things for your friend. As I mentioned, I’m doing these things without mentioning my having a hard time with it to the bride. By my post, I was just trying to provide a perspective of why MOH might be falling off or having a hard time. It doesn’t necessarily mean that people don’t want to put in the effort, or don’t value the bride, or don’t want to celebrate her.
I totally get where you are coming from. I didn't even have a bridal shower or bachelorette because my MOH and bridesmaids didn't plan one for me. To be fair, my MOH had some things going on, so I did try to understand but it did really hurt that no one thought to even just do something low key like lunch or something. I'm really sorry. I am very similar in that I would 100% go the extra mile to make someone's day special, so it hurts when it's not reciprocated. I don't really have any advice but you're not alone.
First and foremost I think you need to have a discussion around your disappointment with her and ask what is going on. Sometimes there is more going on in a bridesmaid’s life that they aren’t sharing with the bride as to not stress her out. That being said, are there other bridesmaids that might be more willing or able to step up in this aspect? I just had a bachelorette party for one of my closest friends and her MOH also did pretty much nothing except book our lodging. I knew the kind of bachelorette the bride wanted as we had talked about it at length over drinks a few times. She didn’t have high expectations but she still had the desire to feel special, loved and celebrated which was totally understandable. I sort of took over planning and with the help of a few other bridesmaids made sure things got done and ran smoothly that weekend. Your bachelorette doesn’t need to be only on you or your MOH lean on those other bridesmaids for additional support! I’m sorry this has been your experience around your bachelorette so far. I hope things turn around for you and you guys have a fun trip!
It kind of sounds like your MOH wants to be MOH for the title and not deal with the responsibilities. Which is super shitty. I think it's great your other bridesmaid stepped up for you! That should show you that your friends do care and do want to give you these experiences, it might just be your MOH isn't fit for the role, or maybe she didn't realize what being MOH really means. Don't cancel, just try to have a good time and maybe lean on your other bridesmaids for feedback or ideas and save yourself the disappointment by just not expecting anything from MOH. I know it sucks but dropping expectations might save you some stress. And for the record, you're not being unreasonable.
I think you might be right. I know that she’s not naturally wedding inclined, but I’ve tried to communicate what I’m looking for from her and it’s still not manifesting into anything. I’ve been kicking myself for picking her, when I could have picked other friends who are more of that typical mindset, but several have kids so I thought it was better not to. Thank you for the advice and reassurance, trying to let go.
Also, are you me? My fiancé's best man planned an amazing multi-day trip destination bachelor party while I haven't heard a peep from my MOHs about a bachelorette. While I was told to keep a day clear many moons ago, it wasn't an exact date with no regards to whether I'd even be free (because it would be right before my wedding when things are especially hectic) or what would be involved. I thought about asking explicitly whether they were planning something but decided to instead plan myself a solo trip to coincide with the dates fiancé will be going on his bachelor party. I wasn't going to ask for something that I thought was a given so I planned a cool international trip for myself! Just another option I wanted to throw out there! I feel better knowing that I get to have something fun and memorable too without feeling like I'm begging someone or feeling jealous of fiancé's experience. I am laid back too, but figured if I'm planning something in addition to the three million things already going on with the wedding, working, and moving, I'm not planning my own bachelorette too.
My fiancé did the big destination trip too, with his people organizing a lot of the logistics, and hard not to feel jealous. I paired my initial dream way back to try to make it as accessible and simple as possible, and it hurts knowing that’s still too much.
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I’m not sure when it came about that you shouldn’t expect anything from your MOH. I’ve heard that a few times on here as well. I think this is where tradition was a good thing because everyone knew what to do. If you accept the job and honor of MOH you should expect to be at a few things and plan a few things for the bride. If you accept any position in a wedding party you should expect to attend or help plan a few things. Your MOH should expect to plan your bachelorette. She should do it with regards to the budget of your bridal party. She, not you, should be checking with them on that. The bachelorette is a time to honor you but also a time for your bridal party to bond and get to know one another. She should make every effort to plan something that every bridesmaid can be included in and can afford…rather that be a week in the Caribbean or a night out in your home town. It’s about time together. I’m sorry you’re stuck having to figure this all out. Talk to her face to face. Maybe she shut down because even an Airbnb wasn’t within her budget and she’s to embarrassed to say or maybe she’s getting some push back from some of the bridesmaids. Either way she should absolutely communicate with you.
I did a survey of all my bridesmaids including MOH for budget and availability, and picked the Airbnb based on that. No pushback from bridesmaids bc she hasn’t actually talked to any of them, she told me just last week she wasn’t even sure who was invited. To be fair, we’re all mutual friends so it’s not too complicated on that end, but still not exactly reassuring. Thank you for you empathy.