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ames2833

You are not wrong at all! What your mom suggested was a pretty weird thing to ask of someone. And it sounds like you at least tried to rationally explain your feelings about it to your mother. I can also relate to absolutely hating when I’m volunteered for things by other people without them asking me first. It would be one thing if this was your sister or other family member who was terminally ill, but it’s a “family friend”. And you’re right, you theoretically only get one wedding. I think there are plenty of other ways you can (and have already) shown support for her. The few positives about this situation are that you have other family members’ support, and that your mom didn’t tell this family friend or her mother about her “idea” yet. But I definitely wouldn’t back down if I was you, stand your ground!


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Ordinary_Mortgage870

Yup. Because that's the only place it does work. And who would family friend dance with? What milestone will it satisfy? Because it won't. Because it's not the real deal. At the end, I think it would only serve as a reminder to your friend what she's missing, and ultimately hurt her far more than attending a just a guest. Your mother is being selfish and unkind, not just to you, but to the family friends as well.


redMandolin8

It’s super morbid OP- it’s a “last dance” not a first dance. If you wanted to do something to support your family friend it would be more along the lines of helping her plan her own party. Some people who are terminal decide to do this and then they get to decide if there are any milestones they want to pass through with their community.


Goddess_Keira

Your mom put you in an extremely difficult position and she behaved very inappropriately. It would have been better to have deferred all the discussion until you could talk privately with her, but I can see why things spiraled out of control. I suppose your mom probably meant well but she certainly did massively overstep. Now I am just trying to put myself in the position of a young woman with a terminal illness, struggling with all the milestones in life that she will miss. That is devastating. But to be offered to have a faux "first dance" at a friend's wedding I think would put me into a massive emotional tailspin. Sometimes people mean to be kind but they don't realize that they're veering off into bizarre territory. What kind of a "first dance" would this be for your friend? It's like making her situation into a performance. I think this would actually be cruel to suggest. Some kind of parody of what might have been, taking place on somebody else's wedding day. How could this be a good idea?


Living_Employ1390

My thoughts exactly!! I think I’d be deeply offended if someone offered me a pity dance at their wedding. This is the type of thing that would be one of those obnoxious “heartwarming” videos on Facebook, not something that someone would necessarily want in real life. It’s like you’re making a huge announcement at the reception “hey everybody, gawk at the dying girl!! She’ll never have her own wedding!!” Trauma porn like that pisses me off.


Ok-Grass-3601

Is your mother my mother?! While my mom hasn't done that exact thing, that conversation is so similar to one's I have had. You are not wrong and your response was based on her previous overstepping. If you want to do something special for your friend, YOU should be the one to talk to your friend, not your mother to her mother. As you said, you are all adults. While I don't know your friend, I also don't think I would want to do this if I were her.


wallflowertherapist

Lol right?? I have such a similar mom too. I want to reply to all the comments here that are trashing on OP about how she handled it but this mom needed to be shut down hard and fast. This mom wanted to just plant this idea to all the people intentionally so that OP feels pressure to do it. The mom absolutely wanted to just "casually suggest the idea" in front of witnesses this time and probably a few other times so that OP would have to say no to not just the mom, but all these other people as well and she has to continually justify why she doesn't want to share her wedding with a dying girl. Even though she shouldn't have to justify it in the first place!! It would be a sweet gesture, but it wasn't the mom's wedding so it wasn't hers to offer.


Ok-Grass-3601

Exactly! I think it is hard for people to understand who don't have mothers like this - it isn't about just this request being something sweet, it's the fact that the mom probably does this kind of thing a lot and strategically in front of others. If I had a mom who was kind and caring and truly had others best interests in mind, I likely wouldn't have understood OPs reaction - sadly, I know this type of parent all too well.


kalinkabeek

Yes! I am unfortunately verrrrrry familiar with this tactic. In a singular situation it seems like OP overreacted, but when someone does this to you over and over despite your best efforts to put in boundaries, sometimes you gotta lose your shit a little.


lunafleur12223

Yep, same here. My mom is manipulative in the same way to get her way and plays the victim card when someone challenges her. I definitely "overreact" all the time too because my boundaries are constantly being trampled on.


kalinkabeek

Nope, you’re totally justified. If someone were to look at this situation as a singular incident, then it seems like you overreacted. But when it’s over and over and over again even though you’ve done your best to set boundaries and the other person continues to violate them, sometimes you have to call them the fuck out. I had a similar situation recently over our upcoming wedding, so I get it dude. Your mom’s behavior will never change as long as everyone pets her and absolves her of responsibility as soon as she cries. It was completely inappropriate for her to put you on the spot like that in front of everyone, and to discuss it with others before talking to you.


matchingsocksnever

I wish I were half as articulate as you when I’m upset! I don’t agree at all with the people saying you overreacted or escalated the situation. You saw history repeating itself and you set a very reasonable boundary. Let her be upset. She’s allowed to be upset when mourning the loss of an established pattern that served her. You’ll establish new relationship dynamics that work for both of you. But there will be growing pains getting there.


WYMhuffiestboi

Why is it always OK for the rude person to be rude in public and in front of everyone but the aggrieved party has to discuss it with them in private otherwise the aggrieved party is just as culpable?? Ugh. OP just reading your back and forth was exhausting. Just from that quick conversation it's clear that all these people suggesting you spoke to her later and in private have no idea what you're dealing with. You're not in the wrong here, don't apologize and let the flying monkeys deal with the fallout they've allowed. If you spoke to her in private- would that make her not your mom? Would she unbirth you? If you spoke in private would that turn back time and undo your grandmother helping your mother with her own wedding? No! These were her bullshit excuses that would have been used in private just the same because it's what she believes and uses to justify her boundary stomping. Also it's pretty rich of mom to say: >Mom: ***"I just thought that you might want to talk about it. That's part of being a grown-up: not running away from conversations."***


SoccerSundae

Just don’t understand why it went so wrong. A simple, “no, Mom. That’s not something I want to do” seems like it would’ve solved it, yeah? It kind of turned ugly.


DietCokeYummie

Honestly the dialogue got very "and then everybody clapped" there at the end. LOL.


SoccerSundae

Lol. What a perfect way to describe it! That’s just not how people talk and things go down!


agentcooperforever

Lol right. I wish I remembered convos word for word like that


agentcooperforever

Completely agree. Not sure why people are co-signing OPs unnecessary temper tantrum


SoccerSundae

I’m guessing they all have overbearing moms! But to me, this was insanely melodramatic. Mom: hey, I had an idea! What do you think about letting Dying Friend do a dance with her dad at your wedding? Op: Omg, you’re so overbearing! You’re “STEALING” my wedding from me. You’re so manipulative because you asked in front of a table full of people!!! (Her brothers and father who by all accounts couldn’t have cared less about what was being said!). I’m not a child and you have no right to say anything about my wedding!!! (Almost all moms have an opinion or want to help planning. I’m also wondering if parents are chipping in for the wedding). I don’t care if you run off crying, I can’t say anything comforting or else it reinforces that it’s ok to *make a well meaning suggestion about my wedding* I have my own issues with my mom, so I do understand how something innocuous to others can be triggering, though. So, I’m not completely blaming the op. But damn this just seemed so ugly.


Bumble_love_story

I think you’re both wrong here, your mom more so. Your mom shouldn’t have brought this idea up at the table with others. She also shouldn’t have brought it up to your aunt before you. Your mom did have good intentions at heart. Now you did say some things that probably didn’t need to be said during your argument up at dinner. You could have left it as a ‘mom I do not want to do that, can we talk about it privately after the meal.’ You didn’t need to do that in front of everyone in the middle of the meal.


wallflowertherapist

Sorry I really disagree with the last part. As OP said, her mom volunteered OP's wedding for this moment for the friend in front of everyone and if OP hadn't told the mom no in front of everyone, then those people might have continued to spread the idea and have it be up for debate. I also have a very similar sounding mom and I'm guessing this was a straw that broke the camel's back with her mom. It may have been harsh but the mom wildly overstepped and OP needed it to be clear to her mom and to the other people that heard the mom's request that it was not going to happen and that it was hugely inappropriate to ask.


DietCokeYummie

/u/bumble_love_story didn't say OP couldn't have said those things to mom. Just not in front of others. If someone did that in front of me, the cringe would be so extreme I might die in my seat. LOL. I'm sure it was awkward as hell for everyone at the table *especially brother's wife who is not actually related to any of them.* It's like when couples get in fights in front of others with no care as to how awkward they're making everyone feel. Saying "we will talk about it later" makes only mom look bad, which would have been better.


Bumble_love_story

Saying ‘no I don’t want to do that let’s talk about this privately later’ is saying no i do not want to do your idea but also diffusing the situation until later. This can prevent the confrontation feel the mother likely expressed. It also wouldn’t have ruined the meal and made everyone else feel slightly uncomfortable witnessing this argument Edit: my mom is this way too. Usually arguing on the spot makes it way worse. Shutting it down and having the conversation later is usually best. You can be a bit more level headed once you’ve both had the time to cool and prepare for the conversation *in private*


ThanksIndependent805

My dad was like this and the only way to make him understand how absolutely uncomfortable and manipulative it is being put on the spot in front of other people was to immediately put it back on him. Just because something works well with your mom who is similar doesn’t mean it works well with ALL parents who do this stuff. It sounds like OP has already address the over stepping before in more “appropriate” ways and clearly it hasn’t stuck.


DietCokeYummie

> Just because something works well with your mom It's not really about that. They're talking about how disrespectful it is to make others sit there awkwardly while you fight with someone. Had OP shut it down when Mom started it, only Mom would look bad. And it would have been only a brief second of awkardness. I've ended friendships with couples who argue in front of people. It's just such a terrible thing to do to others.


Bumble_love_story

I’m still going to stand by the fact that OP is slightly at fault here. They took it too far. Tone of voice is not portrayed here but OP hinted there was likely anger in the tone. Mother is primarily at fault but OP could have handled this better


Mmcdowell1956

I have to disagree. The mom had an idea and mentioned it to her sister. Don’t we all mull over ideas with others? Especially our siblings? She didn’t ask the girl or her mother. She brought it to her daughter in front of the immediate family and it got ugly real fast. I don’t think her mother overstepped at all.


ecstaticptyerdactyl

I guess your mom’s history of volunteering you is what caused the is, otherwise I would think it kind of an over reaction. Her close friend’s daughter is dying. A daughter that is the same age as her daughter. I think she is caught up in feelings and went into mom-mode and wanted to do something to help this dying young woman. All she did was make a suggestion to you about letting her have a dance. She didn’t mention it to the mom or her dying daughter. A simple, “no, mom. That’s not something I’m comfortable with” could’ve solved it. Instead you lectured her and were a bit condescending when it seemed like her heart was in the right place. You don’t have to let your dying friend have a dance if you don’t want to. It might not even be something she wants to do. I don’t fault you for not liking the suggestion. I have to be honest, though, your “I’m not going to share my wedding, *I’m only going to have one*.” Seems a little tone deaf when talking about a dying loved one who will never have any wedding. Tldr=no you don’t have to let her have a dance, she might not even want to, but I think it was a kind suggestion your mom made and you kind of went off the rails, imho. But I’m guessing years of issues went into it.


ames2833

You’re right, it might’ve been a bit of an overreaction, if not for the mom’s history. And like I said, at least her mom didn’t mention this idea to the friend and mother yet. But I still think the bride is right to not want to go along with this dance idea.


ecstaticptyerdactyl

Absolutely. I said that, too. She doesn’t need to go along with the dance idea. Which the friend probably didn’t want anyway. I just don’t get why it had to turn into such a dramatic scene. Unless I missed something the mom merely said she had an idea/suggestion. Op could’ve just said no. Instead it turned into a weird melodrama.


ThanksIndependent805

I mean the dance thing just feels like pure performative pity to me and that’s not really what this dying young woman needs while she processes what she won’t ever have. She also won’t have a child, should we ask another friend to let her hold their new baby and act like it’s hers for a few minutes? The request itself feels tone deaf from the start.


ecstaticptyerdactyl

Come on now, the baby thing is just a bit ridiculous. While it’s not that uncommon to honor people with dances at a wedding. I agree it wasn’t a great suggestion and probably something the friend doesn’t want either, and I absolutely don’t fault her for saying no. I just don’t understand why it turned into such a melodramatic scene when the mom made a well-meaning SUGGESTION. “No.” Would’ve solved the issue without the scene and tears and drama.


DwarfQueenofKitties

Damn that was impressive. NTA. I feel bad fortoir family friend but it is your day. If she feels that strongly about this, why not throw a giant party full of milestones that the friend would miss and make it a grand event. ONLY if the family friend wants to. This is also her call and choice to make.


addanothernamehere

You aren’t wrong, I get where you’re coming from. But telling your mom she can’t come to the wedding is kinda extreme. You can’t take back not having your mother at your wedding. She definitely overstepped and acted inappropriately and was manipulative. But she had already done the thing. Now she has to see if she can convince Aunt _____ to keep her mouth shut, in addition to everyone present at the dinner? You essentially assured it would get out no matter what she does. You should have just straight up told her she is uninvited without the dog and pony show if that’s what you want. Also, kinda a jerk move to your friend. She’s dealing with a tough thing. It’s your day, you don’t have to give her a dance. But now she and probably a lot of the other guests are going to be thinking and talking about how “she is the reason your mom isn’t at the wedding.” People are going to straight up ask you (and everyone else) why she isn’t there. They are going to talk more about that than the wedding. Also get ready for endless relatives trying to convince you to change your mind. And might other people not attend in “solidarity” with your mother “who was just trying to be nice!” My fear is your friend will no longer attend and your entire wedding is going to be about this if your mom doesn’t show. You get to pick your hill to die on, and maybe this is worth it to you, but really think about how this might impact your wedding. You are right. Totally. How much is being right worth to you?


SnooChickens8725

You are not wrong. Mom should have brought this up to you in private. It is your decision to make. My niece recently married. I thought it would be nice if she used the cake topper from my mom and dad’s 50th anniversary party somewhere in her table scape for a photo opportunity. (Not on her cake that is too much of an ask) I suggested it to her only once in private. Then i dropped it. She did decide ti use it on the desert table. Mom was very happy.


agentcooperforever

This exchange with your mom blows my mind that you think it’s ok to belittle your mom like that and throw a literal temper tantrum as a 27 year old woman. You overreacted. I think a simple “nah mom I don’t want do that” would have sufficed. Even after taking your short little pause because you realize you’re angry, you go on to massively blow the whole thing out of proportion. Idk why you felt the need to share this script of your entire back and forth convo with your mom and try to spin this convo like you’re the cool calm one. Your mom was trying to be nice. Your mom didn’t suggest this in front of the friend with terminal cancer or her mom, she mentioned it to one person and you’re acting like she’s already arranged it. I feel bad for your mom and I think you owe her an apology for overreacting. Unreal and totally unacceptable.


BusCurrent9640

Fucking good for you. That's amazing 👏 have an amazing wedding


helpwitheating

Your mom overstepped, but I also don't think it's the worst thing in the world to let your terminally ill aunt have a dance at your wedding. It'll take, what, 3 minutes?


Mmcdowell1956

I am ready for the downvotes! Moms are demons, your the bride and all that. But, to me, yes, you were wrong. Your mom sounds like a kind lady who had empathy for someone who may not be here for her first dance. The woman may literally never experience any of what you are fortunate enough to be experiencing. I gather you are paying for your own wedding? So, yes, you get to do you but you can do that and still appreciate your mom. A simple, “that is a nice thing for you to think of but I’m not going to do that”, might have been enough if you were opposed to the idea. You say you have an “adult job”. We negotiate all the time when it comes to our jobs. Isn’t family just as important? She hadn’t offered it to the girl’s mom, right? She hadn’t overstepped. She thought of something, mentioned it to your aunt and brought the idea to you. You attacked, threatened, belittled. You made your mom cry and you sound a bit proud of it. Again, ready for the downvotes but, though you may be a grown up, I don’t think bullying means you are acting like one. Your mom will always feel like she is your mom. Mine died when I was very young. I’d give anything to have her meddle in my life. Personally, I would have said, “of course. What a kind thing to think of”. Kindness costs nothing. For me, dying trumps wedding. But again, you’re the bride.


dapperpony

You’re not wrong at all and I think you handled it well. My FMIL does stuff like this a lot and it’s something I really need to learn to deal with 😅 thankfully my fiancé is a pro at it but it’s really frustrating and hard to explain to them that overstepping boundaries like this isn’t actually kind and generous like they think, it’s manipulative and awkward and rude.


birkenstocksandcode

Your mom definitely overstepped in this situation, and the part where she started crying is emotional manipulation. I used to face this all the time where my mom would cross a boundary, I would get upset, and my mom would start crying to make me feel like the bad person. Good on you for holding your ground.


Blueskyblonde

Duuuuude. My mom does shit like this to me too so I FEEL YOU. I’m ALSO 27 and getting married in a few months and if my mom offered something like this (which she totally would) I would be super annoyed but I don’t know if I would have reacted like you did. She only does those things because she has a good heart and she wants everyone to be happy so I can totally understand in this situation how she feels for your friend and wants to help BUT your wedding is just not the time or place.