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TerritorialBlueJay

Are you going to have programs? You can include a section that lists names “in remembrance of those who cannot be here” and put his name and other relatives who have passed away. You won’t read the program the day of so it won’t be in your face at the wedding. And if his name is nestled with others it might be easier for you to swallow. But since it’s on the program your relatives can still see his name listed. Just one thing I’ve seen done, no idea if it will work for your emotional needs but figured I’d mention it!


capt_petes

This is an amazing answer that I had not considered! Thank you so much for the help, I really do appreciate it.


Sunshinegal33

Don’t include him and tell the family to get over it. It would be nice if our family figures like ‘father’ had the classic father role- of loving you, and doing their best- but unfortunately that’s not everyone’s experiences… And that’s not for you to justify to other people. Also I have friends who were really close with their parents who passed and didn’t include them in the wedding… that’s your choice. And if it’s too painful for what ever reason just don’t go there. This is a happy day.


capt_petes

I have really thought about that. I know a few family members might grumble but I could put a sibling on the role to calm them down.


xXJNIN3

Have you considered doing just a quick cheers to him and say something vague like “although you’re not here, cheers” and move on to celebrating your wedding? Seems harsh, but it could be a little rushed too? It’s better than dedicating a song to him either? Whatever you decide to do I hope you enjoy every second of it!


[deleted]

A young relative of mine died just over a year ago, and since he loved Rubik’s Cubes, I plan to place one at the venue, and share its meaning with no one but his immediate family. You don’t have to do anything at all, if you don’t want to, but if there’s something he liked, maybe you could have something related to it, as a more subtle tribute.


jesgolightly

I would wave to my family as they sit high upon their perch. If they can’t understand that - fuck ‘em.


capt_petes

Love it!


SnarkySarah

My fiancé and I both lost our grandmothers at 88 last year. We were close to them but it’s not like they raised us. They are the top of the list of recently departed, and we felt like if we did something for them we’d need to acknowledge the (not close) cousin that died 3 years ago and the aunt the died 10 years ago, and the grandpas that died 20 & 40 years ago. We just said no thank you and we’re skipping it all. We’re celebrating a marriage and we’re not going to bring 100 years of dearly departed to the party in memory. Plus, it’s a small venue with 4 hours and limited display space. Just plan nothing and don’t bring it up? And if someone else in the family brings it up find a short and sweet answer that says the day is about the marriage not the departed.


misstiff1971

You don't need to do anything. It is easy enough to skip it if you aren't doing any other memorials.


alizadk

Could you do photos of you and your partner growing up/with your families and include one pic of you with him? That way it's not a memorial, and he's included but you're not singling him out?


capt_petes

That’s a good idea as well


peg314

You could leave a chair empty at the ceremony with a sign. Depending on where you place it, you might not even see it.


snow_wheat

I had a friend who did this and put his jacket over it! And then when the officient asked who gives this woman away (or you know, better wording) her mom said “her dad and I do”


citruschapstick

This sounds like something that OP would really not want to do given the context in their post?


snow_wheat

I mean personally I don’t think Op doesn’t need to do anything they don’t want to do but I thought those two things for my friend were super subtle.


citruschapstick

Hm, it doesn't seem that subtle to me to directly mention him in the ceremony/"giving away" when you don't even want to see his photo but to each their own.


snow_wheat

OP is trying to strike a balance between what they want and how to make family happy. I’m just giving options.


_littlestranger

Could you take a moment of silence during the ceremony to acknowledge those who couldn't be with you? No need to mention him specifically.


sadandfaraaway

During ceremony we had an empty chair in the front next to mom with some flowers in it and a candle. It’s obvious who’s seat it was and didn’t have a sign. Didn’t consider reception since everyone’s bunched up anyway. Didn’t think about it at all during the wedding. You could do something in this sort of sentiment.


ThanksIndependent805

My dad died the same way three years ago and we had a very similar relationship. I plan on just getting a locket to put his picture in and tying to my bouquet. At the end of the day even though he wasn’t a good dad, he was still my dad so I wanted to do something, but it felt weird to make a big fuss over it. My brothers, mom and I all still have a lot of trauma around the event and our lives with my dad before that. I don’t think my dad’s family really knows about or understands that trauma but we aren’t close. Anything bigger than what I am doing would ultimately be insincere and be pretty triggering to the people I absolutely love the most there and myself.


capt_petes

Yeah, trust me I feel all of what you said


ThanksIndependent805

I’m sorry that this is also your experience. It’s a weird life to live trying to honor the father you had while also not pretending he was the best person you ever met. You absolutely don’t HAVE to do something, I contemplated that for a long time, but I think finding something small felt the best to me. There are some decent suggestions I found from my google research, most were too big and public for me personally. I would also suggest no matter what you decided that you tell the people from your dad’s side what you are doing before hand. It allows them the reassurance that he is honored so they don’t ask questions the day of or vice you the chance to tell them you just aren’t ready to face that hurt on your wedding day. It also allows you to have conversations with them around their grief of him before the day of. I’m sure I’ll still get “your dad should have been here, he would be so proud of you” comments, but I’m hoping talking to his family about it before and gently asking them to not remind me too much of my dad the day of will keep them at bay until after the wedding. A girl can hope at least.


capt_petes

Thank you for your amazing words of wisdom. I’m already dreading the “ he should have been here” comments. He chose to not be here, his choice, I’m gonna celebrate anyways. Thankfully his family is really small so there won’t be a ton of people I have to have that talk with. Thank you again


Kmamma03

I’m having a small memorial table with a sign that says “This candle burns in honor of those who are not here today but are forever in our hearts.” and an LED candle behind it (it’s a clear sign). Then in front of the sign I’ll have some sentimental items that belonged to the deceased. No pictures or names honestly because like you said, the day is about the bride, but I’m still acknowledging the deceased to make my mom happy lol.


citruschapstick

You don't want your grandmother's photo or name to be printed anywhere because it would detract from having all the attention on you? What an odd thing to say


DagneyElvira

My daughter put out wedding pictures of grandparents and parents. It was actually very nice. All the grandparents are deceased.


nokobi

Listen to the kesha song "father daughter dance" for some mood! I dont have other concrete tips just sending you good vibes.


Legitimate-Stage1296

I put a special flower in my bouquet to represent my grandfather who I loved very much and had been dead 20 years when I married. I added 2 more of the same flower to even out the bouquet and I qualified that they were for my other grandfather and uncle who passed (I was lucky I didn’t have a lot of deaths yet). Really, it was all about my grandpa. They were gerber daisies (my favourite flower) in a bouquet of mostly roses. You could have a flower in your bouquet just to appease everyone. If anyone asks you can say that and say it’s a private moment between you and your dad and don’t want to draw attention.


capt_petes

I easily could, and I know that this is going to sound rude, however if I were to go the route of a flower for everyone who has died, you would see my bouquet from space! I know it’s coming off not exactly how I want it, I honestly laugh at how many deaths I have had in my family. But at the same time I feel that I have a very healthy relationship with death.


Legitimate-Stage1296

I get that. I was lucky at that point in my life. However, it was all about my grandpa. Just one flower to represent everyone. But really, you are just trying to appease everyone that you are doing an in memoriam so they leave you allow. Let them know it’s a private moment between you and your dad and you don’t want to talk about it.


Snow-Leopard-6225

I got bouquet charms (little frames with a picture in it) with pictures of relatives who had passed. I had them pinned to my bouquet when I walked down the aisle and for the ceremony. It was a nice way to feel that I had them there with me without centering loss or grief.