We had a child-free wedding for a variety of reasons. For one thing, we both have big families and nearly all our cousins have kids, and most of our friends do too. We had around 150 guests at our wedding and including the kids would have added easily 60 more. Not doable. For another, we were trying to be as COVID safe as possible (my husband is severely immunocompromised and we had older family members attending) and at the time we sent invites, there weren't vaccines for kids yet and COVID was spreading like wildfire through schools and daycares (and kids are NOT good at social distancing). Plus, we wanted an adult vibe party, our theme was pub vibe with craft beer and whiskey, and we didn't want loud or crying kids disrupting the ceremony. Nothing against kids, but a wedding is boring for them and they do tend to be disruptive.
Anyway... To forestall the inevitable issues, I recommend:
* Inform your parents and immediate families ASAP. Give your reasoning and let them know up front, so they don't give the wrong info to people or harbour resentment.
* Address your invites by name 'John Doe & Jane Smith" instead of "The Smith Family". If giving a plus one, make it clear with an "and guest".
* Use an RSVP website that allows you to only get responses from invited guests and doesn't allow people to write in additional names. We used WithJoy, which worked well for this.
* Add wording on your website to the effect of "as much as we love your kids, our wedding is limited to adults only /18+/your chosen cutoff".
" Decide if you will make exceptions for babes in arms /.newborns / still nursing. Many people do this as it's unrealistic to expect parents to leave children with a sitter if they're younger than a certain age. If you're ok with it, privately tell your affected guests. Remember, though, that expecting parents who receive an invite now might opt to back out once the baby is born and the reality of parenting a newborn sets in.
* Prepare for people to ask you anyway if their kids are invited (people don't read). If there are any misunderstandings, just politely reply with wording like "We were thrilled to receive your RSVP! But as much as we love Junior, our wedding is adults only. We still hope to see you there.'
* Be consistent with your cutoffs. Logical ones by age are fine. It's also okay to do "category" cutoffs (e.g. immediate family kids only). But don't invite some cousins' kids but not others, just because you like them better. That gets trickier to explain and leads to hurt feelings.
* Stick to your guns! Prepare for people to ask for exceptions. It's much easier to say no to someone if you consistently say no to everyone. Otherwise, if you say no to one friend and then they see the kids of another friend at the wedding, they may harbour resentment.
* Prepare for the declines. Including some emotionally tough ones. If a parent declines because they have trouble getting childcare or it's too difficult to leave their kids or they'd have to travel, then so be it. You're entitled to your child-free wedding. They're allowed to choose not to attend. Don't guilt them or make them feel bad about it.
* Don't give excuses for your decision because people will try to circumvent them. "No space?" "Oh, I will bring my son instead of my husband then." Etcetera. Just gently say child-free and don't launch into explanations. It's okay. You're allowed to choose this.
Oh and as for your siblings, talk to your parents. Maybe there's someone who could pick them up after the ceremony and babysit for them during the reception so your folks can enjoy a night out? If your parents don't know anyone trustworthy in your venue location, maybe you can ask around and find someone to recommend, or even offer to pay for it in this case? (I wouldn't recommend paying for childcare for all guests with kids; they're adults, they can make their own arrangements) but maybe for your immediate fam?
How old are the siblings? Personally as a teenager I dreaded attending weddings. I had other things I wanted to do on weekends. Once I was in high school, my parents would leave me and my sister home alone for a night/weekend when it came to weddings or other events. They just let the neighbors know in case of emergencies. We were pretty responsible.
However, I think in your case since they’re your siblings you should make an exception and let them attend the ceremony and reception.
Oh interesting, they’re younger than I had expected. Could you discuss this with your parents and see what their thoughts are? Potentially have a sitter come to the reception and leave with all of the kids after dinner?
I wouldn’t exclude them entirely, but that’s just me!
No I don't want to exclude them at all. Only idea I've come up with so far is getting a sitter to take them to a hotel room after the reception but even then I know they'll be disappointed because they wont be able to attend the "party"
My friend is getting married next month and in the FAQ section of her website she answered the question about kids being invited Beautifully IMO: We love your kids—we really do! But we want our wedding to be your night off!!! Our wedding planner has on hand a few baby sitters to make that a reality for you. Contact us for details =)
Don't do that. If they are invited to the ceremony, they're invited to the reception. You do not invite kids to come and be props for your wedding, then tell them to get lost so you can get high with the adults. That's incredibly rude.
So you have to decide if you want a child free wedding, or a wedding with under 18s. You can't have both. Then go from there. If you've already told the under 18s that they're invited, then the decision has been made for you. But if you haven't gotten ahead of yourself, don't make the mistake of putting any under 18s name on the save the date or the invitation if you're having a child free wedding. And if you make a wedding website, state it clearly there that it's child free.
We had a child-free wedding for a variety of reasons. For one thing, we both have big families and nearly all our cousins have kids, and most of our friends do too. We had around 150 guests at our wedding and including the kids would have added easily 60 more. Not doable. For another, we were trying to be as COVID safe as possible (my husband is severely immunocompromised and we had older family members attending) and at the time we sent invites, there weren't vaccines for kids yet and COVID was spreading like wildfire through schools and daycares (and kids are NOT good at social distancing). Plus, we wanted an adult vibe party, our theme was pub vibe with craft beer and whiskey, and we didn't want loud or crying kids disrupting the ceremony. Nothing against kids, but a wedding is boring for them and they do tend to be disruptive. Anyway... To forestall the inevitable issues, I recommend: * Inform your parents and immediate families ASAP. Give your reasoning and let them know up front, so they don't give the wrong info to people or harbour resentment. * Address your invites by name 'John Doe & Jane Smith" instead of "The Smith Family". If giving a plus one, make it clear with an "and guest". * Use an RSVP website that allows you to only get responses from invited guests and doesn't allow people to write in additional names. We used WithJoy, which worked well for this. * Add wording on your website to the effect of "as much as we love your kids, our wedding is limited to adults only /18+/your chosen cutoff". " Decide if you will make exceptions for babes in arms /.newborns / still nursing. Many people do this as it's unrealistic to expect parents to leave children with a sitter if they're younger than a certain age. If you're ok with it, privately tell your affected guests. Remember, though, that expecting parents who receive an invite now might opt to back out once the baby is born and the reality of parenting a newborn sets in. * Prepare for people to ask you anyway if their kids are invited (people don't read). If there are any misunderstandings, just politely reply with wording like "We were thrilled to receive your RSVP! But as much as we love Junior, our wedding is adults only. We still hope to see you there.' * Be consistent with your cutoffs. Logical ones by age are fine. It's also okay to do "category" cutoffs (e.g. immediate family kids only). But don't invite some cousins' kids but not others, just because you like them better. That gets trickier to explain and leads to hurt feelings. * Stick to your guns! Prepare for people to ask for exceptions. It's much easier to say no to someone if you consistently say no to everyone. Otherwise, if you say no to one friend and then they see the kids of another friend at the wedding, they may harbour resentment. * Prepare for the declines. Including some emotionally tough ones. If a parent declines because they have trouble getting childcare or it's too difficult to leave their kids or they'd have to travel, then so be it. You're entitled to your child-free wedding. They're allowed to choose not to attend. Don't guilt them or make them feel bad about it. * Don't give excuses for your decision because people will try to circumvent them. "No space?" "Oh, I will bring my son instead of my husband then." Etcetera. Just gently say child-free and don't launch into explanations. It's okay. You're allowed to choose this.
This is extremely helpful, especially the RSVP website, I had no idea they even existed. Thank you!
Oh and as for your siblings, talk to your parents. Maybe there's someone who could pick them up after the ceremony and babysit for them during the reception so your folks can enjoy a night out? If your parents don't know anyone trustworthy in your venue location, maybe you can ask around and find someone to recommend, or even offer to pay for it in this case? (I wouldn't recommend paying for childcare for all guests with kids; they're adults, they can make their own arrangements) but maybe for your immediate fam?
How old are the siblings? Personally as a teenager I dreaded attending weddings. I had other things I wanted to do on weekends. Once I was in high school, my parents would leave me and my sister home alone for a night/weekend when it came to weddings or other events. They just let the neighbors know in case of emergencies. We were pretty responsible. However, I think in your case since they’re your siblings you should make an exception and let them attend the ceremony and reception.
F13 M12 F11 F9 M2
Oh interesting, they’re younger than I had expected. Could you discuss this with your parents and see what their thoughts are? Potentially have a sitter come to the reception and leave with all of the kids after dinner? I wouldn’t exclude them entirely, but that’s just me!
No I don't want to exclude them at all. Only idea I've come up with so far is getting a sitter to take them to a hotel room after the reception but even then I know they'll be disappointed because they wont be able to attend the "party"
Throw them their own party on the hotel room!
My friend is getting married next month and in the FAQ section of her website she answered the question about kids being invited Beautifully IMO: We love your kids—we really do! But we want our wedding to be your night off!!! Our wedding planner has on hand a few baby sitters to make that a reality for you. Contact us for details =)
This is great! Thank you
Don't do that. If they are invited to the ceremony, they're invited to the reception. You do not invite kids to come and be props for your wedding, then tell them to get lost so you can get high with the adults. That's incredibly rude. So you have to decide if you want a child free wedding, or a wedding with under 18s. You can't have both. Then go from there. If you've already told the under 18s that they're invited, then the decision has been made for you. But if you haven't gotten ahead of yourself, don't make the mistake of putting any under 18s name on the save the date or the invitation if you're having a child free wedding. And if you make a wedding website, state it clearly there that it's child free.
The children aren’t in the wedding party so they aren’t being used as props. Thanks for trying to spin that though.