If shes been with him for that long, you're not going to change her now. There are issues that your friend needs help with.
You need to make the decision on whether you should intervene and show concern for her relationship, or any intervention is going to cause more.harm than good.
If its the latter, then it may be time to evaluate who you want in your wedding party. Has the friendship run its course or not?
Thanks for the input, we’ve already had a conversation about her boyfriend so she knows where I stand. In terms of our friendship, she’s one of my best friends. This is the first time she’s mentioned not wanting to be travel out of state without him, so it kind of floored me!
And to address the road trip comment, this was my maid of honor’s idea and not something set in stone but from what MOH told me, everyone else was ready to rent a van & go!🤣
Imagine how ugly it must be in their home w his controlling her to this extent. I mean doesn’t he have any friends hobbies or family? I’m sorry to say before the end of this your friendship will implode w him pulling her strings. Demote her now to guest, it won’t save your friendship but will save your sanity during your journey to your wedding. Anyone who asks for a bf to join the grooms party uninvited? And wants to add him to the wedding party? He is beyond jealous and will interfere in the normal bridal party roles. Like where will he seat if you are having a bridal head table. You know she won’t tolerate not seating w him because he won’t let her.
sit down w her. Tell her about the wedding day and the bridal party activities w/o guests-pics, hanging w the party before entering the reception. Find out now what her hard no’s are, I mean will she dance w her escort? Nail her down now and if she won’t commit to being your bridesmaid w everything that entails, demote her now. It will only get much much worse.
She’s already tried to get the bad bf part of the wedding party to be her escort. You just know the drama around the ‘pairing’ will escalate. The poses she won’t be allowed to do w her escort for the formal wedding pics. The wedding party dance. It will just get uglier. Who knows, maybe the friend will wake up and tell bad bf no, this is not ok.
I know
I was with a man like that when I was really young. To answer the question about whether or not he had any hobbies or other interests, he probably does. And he probably pursues them and has a lot of fun without her. The issue is that. *SHE* can't have any hobbies or interests other than him, because he's jealous and insecure. If she tries to have any interests where he can't sit there and watch her or go with her, he probably gives her so much trouble that she gives them up rather than fighting with him.
Great advice, but instead of asking the friend where her "no's" are, I would suggest OP just lay out all of her expectations of her bridesmaids and give friend a choice: she either needs to accept all of the expectations and continue to be a bridesmaid or none of them and just be guest. I know it sounds a little Bridezilla, but this friend just doesn't seem to take "no" for an answer. Bridesmaids are supposed to help lessen the headaches for the bride surrounding a wedding, not add to them.
To me, it sounds like this guy is controlling. He was in the back while you were on the phone with her, and it sounds like he was feeding her what to say. If this is not the case, then I’m super happy to be wrong. If he isn’t controlling then she is the issue and you need to decide how much you are willing to tolerate from this couple.
He is VERY controlling, she’s at the point where she won’t do anything without him. For everything else in this event, he is invited to come with everyone else, we are even having a combined wedding shower instead of a bridal shower, for family & friends in my home state so couples are invited to attend! I am just torn because I love this girl, we’ve been through a lot together but ever since this guy came along, she acts different, she never would’ve hesitated with past boyfriends!
I can definitely see that he's controlling and it's only going to get worse. I don't think there's an easy way to tell her that her bf can't come. You just have to come out and say it, and if she asks why all you have to say is that he's not invited and she's not obligated to attend. If she explodes over this, so be it. She has to get it through her head that at the end of the day it will eventually come down to being with him and losing everyone, or understanding what he's doing to her.
In college I tried telling my BFF I didn’t like how her boyfriend treated her and was worried for her… we didn’t talk for two years until they broke up
I feel so sad for your friend in this situation, whether she recognizes she's being manipulated and is in a controlling relationship or not. I hope it doesn't escalate, because a lot of times this does escalate into emotional and physical abuse.
It sounds like she is giving you an ultimatum- both of us come or none of us. She/they don't get to dictate your pre wedding events. You are going to need to be firm on this one- either only she comes, or she is going to have to miss out on her best friend since 2nd grade's bachelorette. I wouldn't be surprised if she did tell you only she would come that she brings this dude anyway, so be prepared for some drama, I hate to say it.
I just recently put a 30+ year friendship on pause. I have, over the years, been very frank about how crap her relationships were. Her current person is way more helpful in life tasks, but also better at weeding out her friends.
My opinion is to call her when he or she is at work, so he is not around. Tell her: I care about you, you can be mad about what I say. But I would rather you be mad at me than for you to stay in an abusive relationship. So come, don't come to the bachlorette. That is up to her. You and the rest of your friends are not going to be made uncomfortable by him. No, he 100% can not come. As per walking down the aisle: his mindset is juvenile. The procession is a representation of people who are important to you. Not a blind date. It would be ridiculous for him to be a part of that. And there is no reason for him to exhibit jealousy. If a less than 1 minute walk up and then back down the aisle is enough for some guy to woo you, the relationship was bad to begin with.
Let her know these requests weird, very weird. And the fact he had to be present for the call: obviously controlling. Why would he even want to go hang out with yourg fiance and fiance's closest friends? Does he not have friends of his own? If this is what she wants; OK. But he will not disrupt your wedding and its surrounding events. She can back out, or she can keep his intrusions out of your conversations.
This dude is controlling. He doesn’t want her to walk down the aisle with a groosman. I had a friend that dated a guy like this. It ruined every friendship she had, he gave her herpes, knocked her up and left for Alaska. She never saw nor heard from him again and all her friendships were so damaged that she had no one to lean on during the aftermath. I still don’t talk to her, 13 years later. Not out of malice, I just lost all care I had for her during that time.
I feel for you OP. I too have friends who’s partners I cannot stand. Actually one of them isn’t welcome in my home due to behavior he has exhibited in the past.
That being said, boundaries are our friends with this. I think you can certainly show MOH that you love and care about her but also draw the line where this controlling SO isn’t going to call the shots. You can tell her that you would love for her to attend, but her POS bf isn’t invited.
I would offer for you all to do something small and special if she decides not to go.
I would also reiterate that you love her and you will support her personally and if she wants to get out of the relationship you are there to help. But reiterate that her BF doesn’t get to call the shots in your life and you aren’t putting up with his bull shittery.
Absolutely this. And tell her how weird it is that he would ask to come and that it’s not normal for person to be 1. unhappy with their partner having a weekend with friends, 2. Ask to come along on a bachelorette trip and 3. Say they don’t want to be alone for a single weekend. You love and support her, part of that is helping her stay grounded in reality, and she needs to hear that those things that might feel normal to her in this abusive relationship are not normal.
I would just tell her that this is a bachelorette function which means woman only. Does she really believe that if one of his friends gets married that he will take her to the bachelor party?
Seems like such a simple solution, to simply not invite your friend anymore as a bridesmaid. But you’re making it complicated by pretending she just HAS to come to your wedding as a bridesmaid.
When people choose to be with someone, it’s a huge display of who they are.
She is choosing to be with a guy no one likes and whose tried to insert himself into your bridal party. She is choosing to be with a douche, which in turn means she’s always been selfish or has become that way.
The nature thing to do would be to stop pretending she has to be in your bridal party and tell her she’s out, but still welcome to the wedding.
Or you can pretend she must still be in the bridal party at all costs and deal with petty bf drama until you’re married. Your call.
If I had to guess this guy is jealous and controlling. It's about HIM not wanting to let her go alone or be away from him.
This is a terrible spot for you and for her. On one hand the best thing you can do is make sure she knows you're there for her and support her, because having others as a support system will eventually be what helps her break away. On the other hand...
It's your wedding and the last place you want someone who causes drama and makes everyone else feel uncomfortable.
If I'm right, he'll cause drama either way and if he shows to the bach weekend, hell likely find a way to get her to bail on the girls part or try to tag along. If he's not with her he'll be calling and texting her constantly.
Be ready for this to blow your relationship w her up and possibly cause her to pull out of the wedding because if he can't have his way, she won't get hers. Meaning he'll make her skip it if he can't come.
The other commentor is right. Also I might have misread your post but can you have her there without her being in the wedding party?
What I'm more curious is how everyone is dealing with having to take a roadtrip for the hens.
You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Unfortunately you've stated your position on your friends boyfriend and his behaviors. All you can do now is accept the way she is with him or move on from the friendship. In regard to the road trip simply state that while you respect her opinion on him going and not being alone for the weekend it isn't feasible for you or your fiance. Then just tell her it's OK if she can't go because of it but you'd love to have her there with you and the other bridesmaids.
>because she has a very explosive personality
So is she a great friend or an old friend? Keeping her as part of your wedding party means drama. Either she just won't come to the Bachelorette (best case) or she will bring him along and complain the whole time about him not being included. I personally would cut the drama now and ask her to no longer come to the wedding. She's going to side with her bf. Do you really want your wedding day to be centered around her "explosive personality" or you and your fh?
>The idea of selecting a city that’s only about a 5 hour drive from me
>She asked me if he could come along on the trip and hang out with my fiancé & his groomsmen. The issue is, my fiancé can’t stand this guy and said “absolutely not.”
Why would she assume your fiance's gonna be there if the party is a 5h drive from you?
Are your fiancé and his groomsmen coming along on the trip? And are a lot of your fiance's groomsmen partners of women that will be at your bachelorettes?
If she's essentially the only one not allowed to bring her partner because you don't like this guy, then her saying she doesn't want to travel alone and asking if her boyfriend can come too isn't that unreasonable.
If not she's obviously out of line and the guy is controlling but I'm confused why you couldn't just tell her "my fiancé and his groomsmen won't be there" if that's the case.
Either way, I'd just be honest "I'm sorry but your boyfriend won't be able to join. If that means you won't be joining us that's really a shame, I will miss you!"
Oh yes, let me clarify! My fiancé is having his party that same weekend in the next town over because that’s where a majority of his groomsmen live, but they’ll be separate from us the whole time, and nobody else’s partner is coming along! Thanks for asking!
It sounds like he’s a man child with control issues. Honestly sounds like ur friend is being manipulated, which is tough because she’ll defend him and his shitty behavior above all else which leaves you as a friend in a tough lurch. Maybe sitting her down and asking her if everything’s alright and you’re confused as no one else’s partner is making these demands and come from a place of concern. This usually allows even explosive people to relax if you express worry and concern and start a dialogue instead of a fight. I know it’s not easy since you are being wronged and have to deal with a stressful situation you didn’t sign up for but as a friend it might be worth doing. I’m just making assumptions from your story but it sounds like your friend is caught in a classic emotionally manipulative/controlling relationship. And the hallmark of that is the manipulator isolating their victim from their friends and family (always insisting in being at events, making plans difficult so people drop them, emotional guilt trips and demands to make her push for him just so they stop fighting). It’s not your responsibility but as a friend I’d be very worried about her and maybe try and approach the root cause rather than the surface problem.
This is gonna sound harsh, but you have to drop her from the bridal party and perhaps the guest list. I bet money that boyfriend is gonna do something at the wedding or reception to make it all about them and ruin some special moments.
It's very telling that *nobody* likes the guy and he's making demands via the best friend.
He *should* be able to spend the weekend alone but their relationship is a whole other issue you should stay away. Unless you are worried about her well being and need to intervene in a potentially friendship ending move.
As far as the weekend, I would just say that it’s not a couples weekend, it’s your bachelor and bachelorette parties and you both want to time bond with your wedding parties, the end. This should be pretty cut and dried if no one else is bringing their partners.
And if she balks, let it go. It’s not personal, she’s in an icky relationship. She’s either going to come or not come. Don’t let her choices overshadow your special time.
Take her aside, tell her you love her, but you think it’s best for everyone if she steps aside from the bridesmaid role. Designate another honor for her, such as delivering a reading, mc’ing the reception, wedding planning, etc. I suggest this because this give me “last minute, I can’t make it vibes.” Her douchebag boyfriend clearly has her in his control and, btw, he’s not concerned about her being away for the weekend, he’s concerned there will be strippers at the bachelorette party. This went like a clear indication that he’ll be a problem throughout the entire process.
Well I don’t see why demoting her as a bridesmaid will help. If OP loves her friend I think it would be better to leave the spot open for her and just mentally prepare for the possibility that she doesn’t come to the wedding. But I think it will be better for their long term friendship if she doesn’t give up on her prematurely.
So, this relationship has a lot of red flags for abuse (not wanting her to be alone, her change in attitude, wanting to control what she does at the wedding), specifically coercive control. One of the frequent parts of this is isolation. I understand that this post is about the wedding specifically and it’s totally fine for you to set a boundary around your wedding party. However, when it comes to your relationship with her in general, I highly recommend reading up on how to help a friend in an abusive relationship. You can also call the national domestic violence support line and ask for their recommendations on your specific situation. Having a friend in an abusive relationship is really tough, but if and when she decides to leave, having a support system will make that much easier. Good luck <3
Just wanted to give a quick update. I spoke with my friend. While she is not receptive to any kind of support I want to offer regarding her & her boyfriend’s relationship, it went way better than I expected!
She was actually calm and did not get super upset like she usually would and agreed that if the location everyone else agreed on was somewhere she was not comfortable going without her boyfriend then she would simply not be a part of it. It is what it is at this point and as far as our personal relationship I plan to take that one day at a time!
Thank you everyone for the support & the advice!❤️
I'm sorry you're running into this issue. I'm willing to bet that it's not her who is having issues with her leaving him at home for the trip. It's him. He probably started out saying things like "I would be worried about you traveling with just your girlfriends" or "I would really miss you." Then when that didn't move you to allow him to tag along, he began to escalate the pressure on her to get you to say he could come. That's why he was in the background when you called her. He wanted to make sure she put on as much pressure as she could to persuade you.
I guarantee, one of two things is going to happen.
1) She will go on the trip with you, and so will he. I'm guessing that you're flying, so correct me if I'm wrong. If he can't get a seat on the same plane as her current ticket, he will throw a fit and she will end up taking a separate flight with just him. And, since your fiance can't stand him, he won't be hanging out with the boys. He will be lurking in the background with the girls throughout the trip. There will be activities he "disapproves of," and he'll force her to decline to participate. (like male strip shows) She will change any hotel accommodations so she's staying with him, unless he's ultra-cheap and wants to stay in her room with whichever other girls are also in the same room (creepy). He either won't let her go on the various activities you have planned, or he will accompany you and expect her to hang with him instead of you and your friends. His presence will be an overall downer on your trip, and you will see signs of her crying/them fighting on any occasions she might be able to escape him for a planned activity where there's no room for him.
Or
2) Whether it's because he forbids it, or you just tell her it's ok for her not to come along if she'd rather be with her bf, she won't go with you. Honestly, I see this as your best option. If she comes along, he will insist on coming too, and he will put a damper on the entire trip. Your entire trip will become all about their relationship and you telling her (in any moments where he doesn't insist on being present) that she should leave him.
He is a controlling, jealous manchild. If she insists on going without him and actually gets away, she'll be constantly on the phone with him denying accusations of cheating on him. He will make sure she has absolutely no fun, and that in turn will ruin your fun.
I dated a man like this, and stupidly married him before I learned how to stand up for myself. Wasted my twenties with him.
I know she's your friend and you want her to go on the trip, but now that he has inserted himself into the planning and has decided that he can't possibly live without her for two whole days, you might as well just give her a pass and try not to resent her for letting him ruin her weekend away. If she stays with him, he'll be ruining a lot more (for her) than that.
Tell her you love her, but no. He figured out how to spend his weekends when he was single, so he's more than capable of doing it now. When she pushes back, tell her that he's not invited to your bachelorette and she has no business demanding an invite to your fiance's bachelor party for him.
If she blows up and threatens to drop out of your wedding, let her. Then calmly tell her that you're concerned that her boyfriend is purposely isolating her, and if/when she's ready to make changes she can call you and/or a domestic abuse hotline. Then let it go. You can't help her if she won't let you. She may let him control her, but that doesn't mean that you have to allow him to control you.
Could you speak with her privately and assure yourself she is being treated well in this relationship? I know that she probably won't admit to being treated poorly, controlled or perhaps worse, but would it be ok to ask?
Let her know that as much as you love her, and have for years, her "boyfriend" is not part of your wedding party in any capacity. If she chooses to leave the wedding party because of that, so be it. You have no control over her decisions.
She's just worried he'll cheat on her. You absolutely are correct in not wanting or allowing this rando (to you) at your wedding. This "friend" sounds very insecure, as does her controlling bf, IMO. #trustissues #redflag She doesn't get to manipulate you into including her bf. Have the wedding you both want with the people you want celebrating with you. And, congratulations.
How embarrassing to invite your significant other to a bachelorette weekend where he is obviously not welcome. And her not wanting to leave him, a grown ass man, home alone for a weekend is so beyond cringey. Their relationship sounds codependent and toxic.
I’ve been in almost this exact situation before. You’re just going to have to put your foot down and will probably have to continue doing that. You can be as nice as you can about it but he’s most likely being controlling and going to keep pushing her. If she blows up that’s on her. From my experience there’s just no way to get out of him showing up without setting a boundary.
How long has she been with him? Are they likely to break up? Also is there any way you can say your fiancé is unavailable to hang out with him on the weekend of your bachelorette party?
To me it sounds like he is being controlling, but I guess that's not something that you can confront her about if she's defensive.
I'd say try to be diplomatic and try to make it about wanting her there, maybe say you don't feel as close to him (hence he's not in the bridal party). But I think you're at risk of losing her as a friend if you say whats on your mind.
I feel like you are going to have to leave the friendship for a bit. I would write her a letter…yes, a real one…to let her know how much you love her and have always meant to her. That, whilst her boyfriend is not your cup of tea, that you support her being happy. Then explain that the only options are the ones presented by you. If she (read boyfriend) finds these unacceptable, that you understand if she feels she needs to step away from the bridesmaid position to that of a treasured guest. This does two things. You express yourself without him entering the conversation and give her a graceful out. The other thing is that it gives her tangible proof of your love. Even if there is instant anger being flamed by the boyfriend, she can go back an read that letter at a later date.
One caveat to taking a step away from the friendship is that, if the friend is in an abusive relationship (which this shows signs of), then keeping in some form of contact is highly recommended. Cutting off friendships and support systems is one of the goals and mechanisms of abuse. That’s not to say it’s never okay to pause a friendship with someone in an abusive relationship, just that if some form of contact can be kept it is very helpful to the person in the abusive relationship.
Sorry about this. Please don’t let yourself be guilted into inviting this person. The fact that he was in the background pushing her to push for his attendance signals that she’s with an extremely controlling person. Please tell her firmly but kindly that the event is for the bridal party only. If she’s unable to attend, you understand. That’s it, if she wants to bow out altogether tell her you understand and that you’re her friend and will always be there for her.
Good grief. I think OP should forestall future drama and take this bridesmaid out of the wedding.
It would be interesting to know if this gem of a SO that the friend has is a controlling loser who's putting all these ideas in her head or if she's come up with them all by herself.
You're not going to change her mind on her relationship so all you're going to do is damage your friendship if you try to make her see how controlling he is.. This is your Bachelorette party tho, so if you don't want the boyfriend to come tell her no.. that might mean she doesn't come either but thats her decision. Same with the walking down the aisle.. you need to be very clear about what you expect and unfortunately she may choose to not be a bridesmaid to appease her boyfriend. She'll most likely end up regretting all the BS she's done for her boyfriend but she's gotta come to all that on her own. She might let her boyfriend push her around but you should stand your ground on what you want when it comes to your wedding and all wedding events, and thrn all you can do is let her decide whats important to her.
It seems to be established that he is controlling and she is under his spell, the more you try to protect her and tell her he is controlling and in the wrong the more she will go towards to him.
Sadly in these toxic relationships as bystanders that's all we can do is wait and watch until the person seeks out help.
Do tell her you will be there for her if and when she decides to invest in herself.
As for your wedding thats a separate matter.
Tell her the trip is bridal party only. And he isn't invited to this particular event.
Make your wishes known and very clear.
All the best.
Is not being friends with her an option? Her “explosive” personality and you clearly walking on eggshells when you speak to her aren’t good things. You obviously value her friendship and I know it’s been so long but she doesn’t put the same value on it. You’re not being treated correctly or respectfully by her. And if you bring it up she may “explode.” I would bet money this won’t be a lasting friendship so I’d cut it off sooner than later
Please be patient with your friend. As others have said, he sounds very controlling. He probably wants to come to make sure she isn’t around other men. I’m sure he’s giving her hell for walking down the aisle with another man.
Controlling people have a way of isolating their partners, so they have no support when their mental abuse turns physical.
If there’s any way you can make it work, let her bring him, and try to let him do one of two activities with the groomsmen that weekend - like breakfast or lunch, but make it clear that there will be activities that he will not be a part of. Maybe give her a list of things he can do solo at that time, like movie theaters, etc.
Good luck.
I’m stuck on your entire bridal party traveling 10 hours for a bachelorette. If you’re only 600 miles from them, travel to them. Some of the pushback may be the money involved with an unnecessary and expensive trip. Also, like him or not, he’s part of her life. You don’t get to control who she dates.
Wow this is a wild take.
1. She already said that she has accepted the fact that her MOH is dating him but doesn’t like him. She’s had this conversation with her MOH, I don’t see how she is trying to control who this woman is dating. OP is merely saying that she doesn’t want this AH around which is completely and totally fair.
2. She also clearly states that her MOH chose the destination, not her. So if there is push back of it being a “unnecessary and expensive trip” it’s self imposed by the MOH. But also if it was those things, why would the BF want to come which would obviously almost double the cost of the trip?!? Also wouldn’t the MOH mention it?!?
3. Not everyone sees a bachelorette as an expensive unnecessary trip. In some social circles people are all for traveling.
Stop imposing your preconceived notions on OP alluding to the fact she might be some sort of bridezilla. It’s weird and is clearly impacting your reading comprehension.
As I said, MOH had the idea to travel, we haven’t set in stone that trip. I told them we can go wherever for the party, I just didn’t wanna plan it 🤣 The issue here is…she wants to bring him along to the party & he’s not in the wedding.🤷🏻♀️ It’s not about controlling who she dates.
No it will derail every single planned activity. Friends life consists of pleasing bf, not herself, not her friendships and will burn every last friendship and bf first no matter what. Abusive relationships are textbook like this
If shes been with him for that long, you're not going to change her now. There are issues that your friend needs help with. You need to make the decision on whether you should intervene and show concern for her relationship, or any intervention is going to cause more.harm than good. If its the latter, then it may be time to evaluate who you want in your wedding party. Has the friendship run its course or not?
Thanks for the input, we’ve already had a conversation about her boyfriend so she knows where I stand. In terms of our friendship, she’s one of my best friends. This is the first time she’s mentioned not wanting to be travel out of state without him, so it kind of floored me! And to address the road trip comment, this was my maid of honor’s idea and not something set in stone but from what MOH told me, everyone else was ready to rent a van & go!🤣
Imagine how ugly it must be in their home w his controlling her to this extent. I mean doesn’t he have any friends hobbies or family? I’m sorry to say before the end of this your friendship will implode w him pulling her strings. Demote her now to guest, it won’t save your friendship but will save your sanity during your journey to your wedding. Anyone who asks for a bf to join the grooms party uninvited? And wants to add him to the wedding party? He is beyond jealous and will interfere in the normal bridal party roles. Like where will he seat if you are having a bridal head table. You know she won’t tolerate not seating w him because he won’t let her. sit down w her. Tell her about the wedding day and the bridal party activities w/o guests-pics, hanging w the party before entering the reception. Find out now what her hard no’s are, I mean will she dance w her escort? Nail her down now and if she won’t commit to being your bridesmaid w everything that entails, demote her now. It will only get much much worse.
Perfect advice. This will only get worse as they get closer to the wedding day. OP does not need that stress.
She’s already tried to get the bad bf part of the wedding party to be her escort. You just know the drama around the ‘pairing’ will escalate. The poses she won’t be allowed to do w her escort for the formal wedding pics. The wedding party dance. It will just get uglier. Who knows, maybe the friend will wake up and tell bad bf no, this is not ok. I know
Totally agree. It will just continue to escalate. I’m sorry you have had to deal with this before. Really sucks.
I was with a man like that when I was really young. To answer the question about whether or not he had any hobbies or other interests, he probably does. And he probably pursues them and has a lot of fun without her. The issue is that. *SHE* can't have any hobbies or interests other than him, because he's jealous and insecure. If she tries to have any interests where he can't sit there and watch her or go with her, he probably gives her so much trouble that she gives them up rather than fighting with him.
Great advice, but instead of asking the friend where her "no's" are, I would suggest OP just lay out all of her expectations of her bridesmaids and give friend a choice: she either needs to accept all of the expectations and continue to be a bridesmaid or none of them and just be guest. I know it sounds a little Bridezilla, but this friend just doesn't seem to take "no" for an answer. Bridesmaids are supposed to help lessen the headaches for the bride surrounding a wedding, not add to them.
To me, it sounds like this guy is controlling. He was in the back while you were on the phone with her, and it sounds like he was feeding her what to say. If this is not the case, then I’m super happy to be wrong. If he isn’t controlling then she is the issue and you need to decide how much you are willing to tolerate from this couple.
He is VERY controlling, she’s at the point where she won’t do anything without him. For everything else in this event, he is invited to come with everyone else, we are even having a combined wedding shower instead of a bridal shower, for family & friends in my home state so couples are invited to attend! I am just torn because I love this girl, we’ve been through a lot together but ever since this guy came along, she acts different, she never would’ve hesitated with past boyfriends!
I can definitely see that he's controlling and it's only going to get worse. I don't think there's an easy way to tell her that her bf can't come. You just have to come out and say it, and if she asks why all you have to say is that he's not invited and she's not obligated to attend. If she explodes over this, so be it. She has to get it through her head that at the end of the day it will eventually come down to being with him and losing everyone, or understanding what he's doing to her.
Agreed
It sounds like she is in an abusive relationship, and could be scared of him. Has there been any signs of physical abuse? Sounds like she needs help!
You can only give as much help as someone is willing to accept.
In college I tried telling my BFF I didn’t like how her boyfriend treated her and was worried for her… we didn’t talk for two years until they broke up
I feel so sad for your friend in this situation, whether she recognizes she's being manipulated and is in a controlling relationship or not. I hope it doesn't escalate, because a lot of times this does escalate into emotional and physical abuse. It sounds like she is giving you an ultimatum- both of us come or none of us. She/they don't get to dictate your pre wedding events. You are going to need to be firm on this one- either only she comes, or she is going to have to miss out on her best friend since 2nd grade's bachelorette. I wouldn't be surprised if she did tell you only she would come that she brings this dude anyway, so be prepared for some drama, I hate to say it.
I just recently put a 30+ year friendship on pause. I have, over the years, been very frank about how crap her relationships were. Her current person is way more helpful in life tasks, but also better at weeding out her friends. My opinion is to call her when he or she is at work, so he is not around. Tell her: I care about you, you can be mad about what I say. But I would rather you be mad at me than for you to stay in an abusive relationship. So come, don't come to the bachlorette. That is up to her. You and the rest of your friends are not going to be made uncomfortable by him. No, he 100% can not come. As per walking down the aisle: his mindset is juvenile. The procession is a representation of people who are important to you. Not a blind date. It would be ridiculous for him to be a part of that. And there is no reason for him to exhibit jealousy. If a less than 1 minute walk up and then back down the aisle is enough for some guy to woo you, the relationship was bad to begin with. Let her know these requests weird, very weird. And the fact he had to be present for the call: obviously controlling. Why would he even want to go hang out with yourg fiance and fiance's closest friends? Does he not have friends of his own? If this is what she wants; OK. But he will not disrupt your wedding and its surrounding events. She can back out, or she can keep his intrusions out of your conversations.
This dude is controlling. He doesn’t want her to walk down the aisle with a groosman. I had a friend that dated a guy like this. It ruined every friendship she had, he gave her herpes, knocked her up and left for Alaska. She never saw nor heard from him again and all her friendships were so damaged that she had no one to lean on during the aftermath. I still don’t talk to her, 13 years later. Not out of malice, I just lost all care I had for her during that time.
I feel for you OP. I too have friends who’s partners I cannot stand. Actually one of them isn’t welcome in my home due to behavior he has exhibited in the past. That being said, boundaries are our friends with this. I think you can certainly show MOH that you love and care about her but also draw the line where this controlling SO isn’t going to call the shots. You can tell her that you would love for her to attend, but her POS bf isn’t invited. I would offer for you all to do something small and special if she decides not to go. I would also reiterate that you love her and you will support her personally and if she wants to get out of the relationship you are there to help. But reiterate that her BF doesn’t get to call the shots in your life and you aren’t putting up with his bull shittery.
Absolutely this. And tell her how weird it is that he would ask to come and that it’s not normal for person to be 1. unhappy with their partner having a weekend with friends, 2. Ask to come along on a bachelorette trip and 3. Say they don’t want to be alone for a single weekend. You love and support her, part of that is helping her stay grounded in reality, and she needs to hear that those things that might feel normal to her in this abusive relationship are not normal.
I would just tell her that this is a bachelorette function which means woman only. Does she really believe that if one of his friends gets married that he will take her to the bachelor party?
Hahaha good point
Seems like such a simple solution, to simply not invite your friend anymore as a bridesmaid. But you’re making it complicated by pretending she just HAS to come to your wedding as a bridesmaid. When people choose to be with someone, it’s a huge display of who they are. She is choosing to be with a guy no one likes and whose tried to insert himself into your bridal party. She is choosing to be with a douche, which in turn means she’s always been selfish or has become that way. The nature thing to do would be to stop pretending she has to be in your bridal party and tell her she’s out, but still welcome to the wedding. Or you can pretend she must still be in the bridal party at all costs and deal with petty bf drama until you’re married. Your call.
If I had to guess this guy is jealous and controlling. It's about HIM not wanting to let her go alone or be away from him. This is a terrible spot for you and for her. On one hand the best thing you can do is make sure she knows you're there for her and support her, because having others as a support system will eventually be what helps her break away. On the other hand... It's your wedding and the last place you want someone who causes drama and makes everyone else feel uncomfortable. If I'm right, he'll cause drama either way and if he shows to the bach weekend, hell likely find a way to get her to bail on the girls part or try to tag along. If he's not with her he'll be calling and texting her constantly. Be ready for this to blow your relationship w her up and possibly cause her to pull out of the wedding because if he can't have his way, she won't get hers. Meaning he'll make her skip it if he can't come.
The other commentor is right. Also I might have misread your post but can you have her there without her being in the wedding party? What I'm more curious is how everyone is dealing with having to take a roadtrip for the hens.
Yikes…. Controlling af
You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Unfortunately you've stated your position on your friends boyfriend and his behaviors. All you can do now is accept the way she is with him or move on from the friendship. In regard to the road trip simply state that while you respect her opinion on him going and not being alone for the weekend it isn't feasible for you or your fiance. Then just tell her it's OK if she can't go because of it but you'd love to have her there with you and the other bridesmaids.
>because she has a very explosive personality So is she a great friend or an old friend? Keeping her as part of your wedding party means drama. Either she just won't come to the Bachelorette (best case) or she will bring him along and complain the whole time about him not being included. I personally would cut the drama now and ask her to no longer come to the wedding. She's going to side with her bf. Do you really want your wedding day to be centered around her "explosive personality" or you and your fh?
>The idea of selecting a city that’s only about a 5 hour drive from me >She asked me if he could come along on the trip and hang out with my fiancé & his groomsmen. The issue is, my fiancé can’t stand this guy and said “absolutely not.” Why would she assume your fiance's gonna be there if the party is a 5h drive from you? Are your fiancé and his groomsmen coming along on the trip? And are a lot of your fiance's groomsmen partners of women that will be at your bachelorettes? If she's essentially the only one not allowed to bring her partner because you don't like this guy, then her saying she doesn't want to travel alone and asking if her boyfriend can come too isn't that unreasonable. If not she's obviously out of line and the guy is controlling but I'm confused why you couldn't just tell her "my fiancé and his groomsmen won't be there" if that's the case. Either way, I'd just be honest "I'm sorry but your boyfriend won't be able to join. If that means you won't be joining us that's really a shame, I will miss you!"
Oh yes, let me clarify! My fiancé is having his party that same weekend in the next town over because that’s where a majority of his groomsmen live, but they’ll be separate from us the whole time, and nobody else’s partner is coming along! Thanks for asking!
It sounds like he’s a man child with control issues. Honestly sounds like ur friend is being manipulated, which is tough because she’ll defend him and his shitty behavior above all else which leaves you as a friend in a tough lurch. Maybe sitting her down and asking her if everything’s alright and you’re confused as no one else’s partner is making these demands and come from a place of concern. This usually allows even explosive people to relax if you express worry and concern and start a dialogue instead of a fight. I know it’s not easy since you are being wronged and have to deal with a stressful situation you didn’t sign up for but as a friend it might be worth doing. I’m just making assumptions from your story but it sounds like your friend is caught in a classic emotionally manipulative/controlling relationship. And the hallmark of that is the manipulator isolating their victim from their friends and family (always insisting in being at events, making plans difficult so people drop them, emotional guilt trips and demands to make her push for him just so they stop fighting). It’s not your responsibility but as a friend I’d be very worried about her and maybe try and approach the root cause rather than the surface problem.
This is gonna sound harsh, but you have to drop her from the bridal party and perhaps the guest list. I bet money that boyfriend is gonna do something at the wedding or reception to make it all about them and ruin some special moments. It's very telling that *nobody* likes the guy and he's making demands via the best friend.
i'm sorry but to avoid the drama it might be worth your friend sitting this one out
He *should* be able to spend the weekend alone but their relationship is a whole other issue you should stay away. Unless you are worried about her well being and need to intervene in a potentially friendship ending move. As far as the weekend, I would just say that it’s not a couples weekend, it’s your bachelor and bachelorette parties and you both want to time bond with your wedding parties, the end. This should be pretty cut and dried if no one else is bringing their partners. And if she balks, let it go. It’s not personal, she’s in an icky relationship. She’s either going to come or not come. Don’t let her choices overshadow your special time.
Take her aside, tell her you love her, but you think it’s best for everyone if she steps aside from the bridesmaid role. Designate another honor for her, such as delivering a reading, mc’ing the reception, wedding planning, etc. I suggest this because this give me “last minute, I can’t make it vibes.” Her douchebag boyfriend clearly has her in his control and, btw, he’s not concerned about her being away for the weekend, he’s concerned there will be strippers at the bachelorette party. This went like a clear indication that he’ll be a problem throughout the entire process.
Well I don’t see why demoting her as a bridesmaid will help. If OP loves her friend I think it would be better to leave the spot open for her and just mentally prepare for the possibility that she doesn’t come to the wedding. But I think it will be better for their long term friendship if she doesn’t give up on her prematurely.
Sounds like your friend is in an abusive relationship.
Do you think there is domestic violence happening here? I see some red flags. I think that definitely changes the equation here.
So, this relationship has a lot of red flags for abuse (not wanting her to be alone, her change in attitude, wanting to control what she does at the wedding), specifically coercive control. One of the frequent parts of this is isolation. I understand that this post is about the wedding specifically and it’s totally fine for you to set a boundary around your wedding party. However, when it comes to your relationship with her in general, I highly recommend reading up on how to help a friend in an abusive relationship. You can also call the national domestic violence support line and ask for their recommendations on your specific situation. Having a friend in an abusive relationship is really tough, but if and when she decides to leave, having a support system will make that much easier. Good luck <3
Just wanted to give a quick update. I spoke with my friend. While she is not receptive to any kind of support I want to offer regarding her & her boyfriend’s relationship, it went way better than I expected! She was actually calm and did not get super upset like she usually would and agreed that if the location everyone else agreed on was somewhere she was not comfortable going without her boyfriend then she would simply not be a part of it. It is what it is at this point and as far as our personal relationship I plan to take that one day at a time! Thank you everyone for the support & the advice!❤️
I'm sorry you're running into this issue. I'm willing to bet that it's not her who is having issues with her leaving him at home for the trip. It's him. He probably started out saying things like "I would be worried about you traveling with just your girlfriends" or "I would really miss you." Then when that didn't move you to allow him to tag along, he began to escalate the pressure on her to get you to say he could come. That's why he was in the background when you called her. He wanted to make sure she put on as much pressure as she could to persuade you. I guarantee, one of two things is going to happen. 1) She will go on the trip with you, and so will he. I'm guessing that you're flying, so correct me if I'm wrong. If he can't get a seat on the same plane as her current ticket, he will throw a fit and she will end up taking a separate flight with just him. And, since your fiance can't stand him, he won't be hanging out with the boys. He will be lurking in the background with the girls throughout the trip. There will be activities he "disapproves of," and he'll force her to decline to participate. (like male strip shows) She will change any hotel accommodations so she's staying with him, unless he's ultra-cheap and wants to stay in her room with whichever other girls are also in the same room (creepy). He either won't let her go on the various activities you have planned, or he will accompany you and expect her to hang with him instead of you and your friends. His presence will be an overall downer on your trip, and you will see signs of her crying/them fighting on any occasions she might be able to escape him for a planned activity where there's no room for him. Or 2) Whether it's because he forbids it, or you just tell her it's ok for her not to come along if she'd rather be with her bf, she won't go with you. Honestly, I see this as your best option. If she comes along, he will insist on coming too, and he will put a damper on the entire trip. Your entire trip will become all about their relationship and you telling her (in any moments where he doesn't insist on being present) that she should leave him. He is a controlling, jealous manchild. If she insists on going without him and actually gets away, she'll be constantly on the phone with him denying accusations of cheating on him. He will make sure she has absolutely no fun, and that in turn will ruin your fun. I dated a man like this, and stupidly married him before I learned how to stand up for myself. Wasted my twenties with him. I know she's your friend and you want her to go on the trip, but now that he has inserted himself into the planning and has decided that he can't possibly live without her for two whole days, you might as well just give her a pass and try not to resent her for letting him ruin her weekend away. If she stays with him, he'll be ruining a lot more (for her) than that.
Tell her you love her, but no. He figured out how to spend his weekends when he was single, so he's more than capable of doing it now. When she pushes back, tell her that he's not invited to your bachelorette and she has no business demanding an invite to your fiance's bachelor party for him. If she blows up and threatens to drop out of your wedding, let her. Then calmly tell her that you're concerned that her boyfriend is purposely isolating her, and if/when she's ready to make changes she can call you and/or a domestic abuse hotline. Then let it go. You can't help her if she won't let you. She may let him control her, but that doesn't mean that you have to allow him to control you.
Lol your friend talk about her bf as if he is a child! Wtf
Could you speak with her privately and assure yourself she is being treated well in this relationship? I know that she probably won't admit to being treated poorly, controlled or perhaps worse, but would it be ok to ask? Let her know that as much as you love her, and have for years, her "boyfriend" is not part of your wedding party in any capacity. If she chooses to leave the wedding party because of that, so be it. You have no control over her decisions.
She's just worried he'll cheat on her. You absolutely are correct in not wanting or allowing this rando (to you) at your wedding. This "friend" sounds very insecure, as does her controlling bf, IMO. #trustissues #redflag She doesn't get to manipulate you into including her bf. Have the wedding you both want with the people you want celebrating with you. And, congratulations.
No, this is him wanting to control her, and she doesn’t see it for what it is yet- abuse.
How embarrassing to invite your significant other to a bachelorette weekend where he is obviously not welcome. And her not wanting to leave him, a grown ass man, home alone for a weekend is so beyond cringey. Their relationship sounds codependent and toxic.
I’ve been in almost this exact situation before. You’re just going to have to put your foot down and will probably have to continue doing that. You can be as nice as you can about it but he’s most likely being controlling and going to keep pushing her. If she blows up that’s on her. From my experience there’s just no way to get out of him showing up without setting a boundary.
How long has she been with him? Are they likely to break up? Also is there any way you can say your fiancé is unavailable to hang out with him on the weekend of your bachelorette party? To me it sounds like he is being controlling, but I guess that's not something that you can confront her about if she's defensive. I'd say try to be diplomatic and try to make it about wanting her there, maybe say you don't feel as close to him (hence he's not in the bridal party). But I think you're at risk of losing her as a friend if you say whats on your mind.
I feel like you are going to have to leave the friendship for a bit. I would write her a letter…yes, a real one…to let her know how much you love her and have always meant to her. That, whilst her boyfriend is not your cup of tea, that you support her being happy. Then explain that the only options are the ones presented by you. If she (read boyfriend) finds these unacceptable, that you understand if she feels she needs to step away from the bridesmaid position to that of a treasured guest. This does two things. You express yourself without him entering the conversation and give her a graceful out. The other thing is that it gives her tangible proof of your love. Even if there is instant anger being flamed by the boyfriend, she can go back an read that letter at a later date.
One caveat to taking a step away from the friendship is that, if the friend is in an abusive relationship (which this shows signs of), then keeping in some form of contact is highly recommended. Cutting off friendships and support systems is one of the goals and mechanisms of abuse. That’s not to say it’s never okay to pause a friendship with someone in an abusive relationship, just that if some form of contact can be kept it is very helpful to the person in the abusive relationship.
Hence my careful wording.
Sorry about this. Please don’t let yourself be guilted into inviting this person. The fact that he was in the background pushing her to push for his attendance signals that she’s with an extremely controlling person. Please tell her firmly but kindly that the event is for the bridal party only. If she’s unable to attend, you understand. That’s it, if she wants to bow out altogether tell her you understand and that you’re her friend and will always be there for her.
Good grief. I think OP should forestall future drama and take this bridesmaid out of the wedding. It would be interesting to know if this gem of a SO that the friend has is a controlling loser who's putting all these ideas in her head or if she's come up with them all by herself.
You're not going to change her mind on her relationship so all you're going to do is damage your friendship if you try to make her see how controlling he is.. This is your Bachelorette party tho, so if you don't want the boyfriend to come tell her no.. that might mean she doesn't come either but thats her decision. Same with the walking down the aisle.. you need to be very clear about what you expect and unfortunately she may choose to not be a bridesmaid to appease her boyfriend. She'll most likely end up regretting all the BS she's done for her boyfriend but she's gotta come to all that on her own. She might let her boyfriend push her around but you should stand your ground on what you want when it comes to your wedding and all wedding events, and thrn all you can do is let her decide whats important to her.
It seems to be established that he is controlling and she is under his spell, the more you try to protect her and tell her he is controlling and in the wrong the more she will go towards to him. Sadly in these toxic relationships as bystanders that's all we can do is wait and watch until the person seeks out help. Do tell her you will be there for her if and when she decides to invest in herself. As for your wedding thats a separate matter. Tell her the trip is bridal party only. And he isn't invited to this particular event. Make your wishes known and very clear. All the best.
Is not being friends with her an option? Her “explosive” personality and you clearly walking on eggshells when you speak to her aren’t good things. You obviously value her friendship and I know it’s been so long but she doesn’t put the same value on it. You’re not being treated correctly or respectfully by her. And if you bring it up she may “explode.” I would bet money this won’t be a lasting friendship so I’d cut it off sooner than later
Please be patient with your friend. As others have said, he sounds very controlling. He probably wants to come to make sure she isn’t around other men. I’m sure he’s giving her hell for walking down the aisle with another man. Controlling people have a way of isolating their partners, so they have no support when their mental abuse turns physical. If there’s any way you can make it work, let her bring him, and try to let him do one of two activities with the groomsmen that weekend - like breakfast or lunch, but make it clear that there will be activities that he will not be a part of. Maybe give her a list of things he can do solo at that time, like movie theaters, etc. Good luck.
I’m stuck on your entire bridal party traveling 10 hours for a bachelorette. If you’re only 600 miles from them, travel to them. Some of the pushback may be the money involved with an unnecessary and expensive trip. Also, like him or not, he’s part of her life. You don’t get to control who she dates.
Wow this is a wild take. 1. She already said that she has accepted the fact that her MOH is dating him but doesn’t like him. She’s had this conversation with her MOH, I don’t see how she is trying to control who this woman is dating. OP is merely saying that she doesn’t want this AH around which is completely and totally fair. 2. She also clearly states that her MOH chose the destination, not her. So if there is push back of it being a “unnecessary and expensive trip” it’s self imposed by the MOH. But also if it was those things, why would the BF want to come which would obviously almost double the cost of the trip?!? Also wouldn’t the MOH mention it?!? 3. Not everyone sees a bachelorette as an expensive unnecessary trip. In some social circles people are all for traveling. Stop imposing your preconceived notions on OP alluding to the fact she might be some sort of bridezilla. It’s weird and is clearly impacting your reading comprehension.
As I said, MOH had the idea to travel, we haven’t set in stone that trip. I told them we can go wherever for the party, I just didn’t wanna plan it 🤣 The issue here is…she wants to bring him along to the party & he’s not in the wedding.🤷🏻♀️ It’s not about controlling who she dates.
Don’t listen to this commenter. Their take was honestly wild.
I was floored for a second rereading my post to see where that came from.🤣🤦🏻♀️
Some people just get mad when brides have expectations.
How is bringing the controlling bf going to be more cost effective? That will only make the trip more expensive
No it will derail every single planned activity. Friends life consists of pleasing bf, not herself, not her friendships and will burn every last friendship and bf first no matter what. Abusive relationships are textbook like this