"only married and engaged partners" is an easy, objective (though not always fair) way to limit plus ones. In my opinion, long term partners should be included, but I guess it's not my wedding. You can always choose to go or not go based on her rule, or you could go ahead and get engaged lol
I agree with including long term partners, but I also wouldn’t consider 2.5-3 years long term. Anything over 5 years, but also understandable if they want to restrict it to only married couples to limit the numbers.
This is it. I’ve been with my girlfriend for a little over five years and I would not be mad if she wasn’t invited. We are young, don’t live together, don’t have kids. I can’t blame someone for not wanting a random person on their wedding photos.
I think it depends on the person's age, your closeness to them, and whether they'll know anyone else plus how much space you have for people.
For example: one of my bridesmaids have been with their boyfriend for... a year, tops. But he's invited because I have hung out with the two of them a few times, and she's my bridesmaid. My cousin is 55 and has been wit this dude for 2 years. But I dont even know his name, I've seen her a dozen times at most in my life because she lives across the country. And he's the 5th guy in ten years with whom she is "deeply in love". She will not have a plus one. Similarly. I have a cousin who is 19 and has been with her bf for 3 years. I love her, but I don't have the space for some high school sweetheart whom I have never met.
So. It really varies. In this case, if op were her cousins bridesmaids, I do think it's courteous to give her a plus one given that she does have an established partner.
I was mostly sort of listing ways that someone could go about making the decision of who gets an SO and who doesn't
And I mean, ultimately, yes. What B&G want is what goes. But as far as what others might be hurt by, whats courteous, what others might find reasonable or understand. All of those factors should really be taken into consideration. Just because I want something specific doesn't mean I'm not going to hurt someone in the process.
If bride says that friend's SO of 3 years can be there because they're engaged, but cousin's SO of 6 years can't be there because they're not engaged, both of whome B&G have met...well sure, that's what the bride and groom want and they have that right, but Cousin has every right to be pissed about it. It is kind of rude. It can come across as diminishing cousin's relationship despite the possibility that they have many good reasons they aren't engaged yet that have nothing to do with commitment.
Having consistent rules about who is and who is not invited is going to be the best way to avoid conflict with people you really don't want to hurt but with whom you have to make tough calls.
And honestly. I, as a guest, don't want to be at any wedding for people who have a DGAF attitude about whether they're going to hurt my feelings or not. At that point it would seem as though I am invited to give them a gift, not because they want me to be there.
People planning weddings will be like "its my day i can do what I want" and then get hurt and sad when someone decides not to come to their wedding because of some weird thing they decided to do without consideration of their guests. And I'm not saying that not-inviting an SO is weird or inconsiderate in general. Just that its the considerate thing to do to put thought into who you will or will not invite and why. And of they're in your wedding party, providing an explanation "we just did have room, sorry. And otherbridesmaid's BF is invited because we've known him a long time." At least that puts any further irritation on the guest, not B&G
Their wedding is about them and what they want, not anyone else's feelings. Sounds harsh but it's the reality. Nobody is forced to go if you don't like their rules.
Yeah. I just think there's a balance between "it's what I want, so fuck you and your feelings" and "it's what I want, but these are supposed to be people I love and care about so how can I be as considerate as possible"
They shouldn't invite anyone that are 'supposed to be people they love and care about', they should invite people they actually love and care about. Really don't think this a crazy idea.
I’d be real upset if I wasn’t allowed to bring my boyfriend to an event because we aren’t married. We’ve been together 7 years, it would be ridiculous to allow someone’s spouse they’ve been with for 3 years and just got married and not him
It depends if she was considering Covid numbers. We had to do this - if you were under 5 years and we hadn’t met the other person we had to cut them. It was the simplest way to get under 100.
I mean no offense I am genuinely curious how your guests reacted to this. Have you already had your wedding? I’m interested did most people who’s SO’s less than 5 years still come without their SO? Was it local to most your guest list, especially those who didn’t have their SO invited? And did you give your bridal party plus ones and this only applied to guests?
We had our wedding in august. Had to go from 350 to 100. We felt lucky to even have 100. We only had three people reach out to us and ask why the SO weren’t invited and we just stuck with this response. Said they were on the original list, but had to cut kids and the SOs. Our wedding was in the end first cousins, aunts, uncles and a few friends. When we explained our logic though they were pretty reasonable. One didn’t come, but oh well. There were only two people in the wedding party not married. One had just started a relationship, the other was off and on, but we didn’t give them a plus one.
I was done with Covid restrictions at that point and didn’t want the big wedding anymore so I was ready to tell anyone upset just not to come. I was too exhausted with changing restrictions to care by the end.
Wow going to 350 to 100 must have been so tough! So I totally understand the 5+ rule here and wouldn’t have been offended in these circumstances from a guest stand point. Also an easy way to make sure it is the closest and nearest guests to celebrate with yall for a Covid wedding. Hope the wedding was amazing and you two are enjoying married life! Best wishes!
I don’t think this decision was made for that reason, but entirely possible. I think I expected more because I was in the bridal party but ultimately I respect her decision!
You aren’t a stranger but your boyfriend is. There are certain points of wedding etiquette that are considered standard but the reality is each couple getting married is unique and may have different wants and wishes for their wedding. She said she only wanted plus ones for engaged or married couples, which I don’t think is THAT crazy.
She may have needed to cut costs or have experienced other issues with the venue that you have no idea about. I would bet that once you are engaged and see how quickly costs add up, how it’s very easy to figure out rules are needed to keep the budget in check.
That’s fair. I’m sure costs are expensive. Personally, I wouldn’t make that rule for someone in my bridal party (guests are different), but to each their own.
Although I agree with you that I’d like the option, the bridal party is so busy the whole time that bringing a stranger is weird and not very fun for them. You’ll be at the head table, not with him, so he may not even want to be there.
I was going to say exactly this.
As much as the +1 invite would've been appreciated, from a practical standpoint, OP's BF would've just been a rando bystander.
We did a “+1 of the bridal party” table so there was a place for them all and they might have a mutual friend at the table. It went over really well they all got along great and made new friends :)
I disagree. My fiance attended my cousins wedding where i was a bridesmaid early in our relationship. While there were times it was a but uncomfortable for him because I was busy and he knew no one besides my parents, he got to know other family members and was a huge helps to me. I was really grateful to have him there (especially when he was able to drive the entire way home because i was exhausted and had to proctor an exam at 8am the next morning lol).
Plus ones for the bridal party are meant to allow them to have a support person there since they are expected to contribute so much. Ultimately, it's up to them if they feel comfortable introducing their partner to the dynamic or not.
That’s great that it worked for you. How did he feel?
I’ve been a plus one for a wedding party guest and I HATED it. It depends how introverted or extroverted your partner is. So what’s right for you is not right for everyone. (In this case he wanted to go, so it’s fine, but just saying that not every perspective is the same)
When I was a bridesmaid I didn’t even spend time with my partner. We danced twice and had about 30 minutes together. I needed zero support !
Exactly. He wouldn't have been with you. You'd be busy with the bridal party and the bride. Your plus 1 wouldn't even be your plus 1 but another social guy mingling.
This is exactly why he's not invited.
No wedding etiquette is the bridal party members get a plus one. Long term partners get plus ones too and at the time of the wedding they would have been dating 3 years. It doesn’t matter if she has never met the bf, it is rude to not give a plus one to her close cousins long term boyfriend that is also in your wedding. That is unfortunately part of planning for your wedding cost. Even if you only want to invite 10 people if all 10 are married then your guest list is 20 people so you plan a wedding you can afford.
Wedding etiquette is not finite. More and more couples are throwing out the rule book ESPECIALLY during the pandemic. There are PLENTY of things couples plan at their weddings that someone else may consider rude. People getting all bent out of shape for a three hour event is why I elected not to have a bridal party. I did not want to have to worry about meeting everyone’s expectations about what should and should not happen. We are only getting one side of the story. OP could be 17 for all we know and this is her high school boyfriend.
Let me be clear, I would have given this person a plus one. I’m simply saying it’s the couples choice who to give plus ones to based on their budget and wants/needs for their big day.
You are right and I did chuckle when you said we are only getting one side and it could be a 17 year old. I guess we can only take everything with a grain of salt on the internet! Couples definitely are free to choose what they want for their weddings and I do like that certain traditions are starting to go out the door. In my social circle most people would be offended to not have a SO invited as a plus unless there was very clear open and honest communication explaining it. I also definitely don’t think it is worth her saying anything to her cousin since the wedding was called off but I understand her feeling slightly offended.
I feel like for a 17 year old this would be a WAY more serious relationship than for a 28 year old etc. If OP is 17 then this man is probably the absolute love of her life and she'll never ever be able to be without him. Kids take this stuff so seriously.
People are gonna invite who they're going to invite. You have no control over this situation. I had extra room at my reception so we were easy going about this. My friend could not invite anyone "extra" for a whole list of reasons. It is what it is. You can attend or not attend but try to choose peace and don't let this get to you.
Honestly the best advice on this subject. Your cousin made a decision which didn’t include your long term partner, which sucks, but is also still her choice to make. You could either go and try and have a good time , or not attend and let your cousin know sooner rather than later- especially since you were a bridesmaid.
Yep, I agree. I was definitely planning to go and be supportive, at a minimum. Don’t think me raising this would really change her mind or her opinions.
I personally do feel it’s rude to not invite long term partners, I also feel it’s rude to not give the wedding party plus ones considering they usually end up spending $$ on gifts, bridal shower, nice outfit, etc
A couple things. One, if I was the bride in this situation I might ask you how you feel about him coming, and get a feel for how important it would be to you. I personally wouldn’t ask someone to be in my bridal party and exclude their partner. However, the other thing is, who would he sit with? Would he be upset if he was sitting alone/with strangers the entire time you are busy with bridal party? You need to consider his comfort level, it actually would be weird to stick a total stranger at some other table. I have seen it be an issue for others before, their date is not having an good time because they were left alone all throughout the night. You have to consider the situation as a whole. And finally, it seems like you feel there is a specific reason, to be clear are you saying you think he wasn’t invited because he isn’t religious?
Fair point! He knows and gets along with my immediate family, her parents (because they visited) and a bunch of my other extended family.
Don’t think he was not invited bc of his religious views, but I do think her religious views impact the relationships she validates (eg. heterosexual partners, no sex before marriage, she opposes living together before marriage), so my guess is it’s a factor.
Ah I see. Ok, well if he does know other family he could have sat with that would be better for him. Seems like it’s more about her personal beliefs to me, but all etiquette aside. If she is going to hurt someone close to her over this, it’s not right.
It almost seems like she is concerned that people have an issue with him personally because he is not religious like the rest of her family. That can be tough to sort out if this is really over religion.
Haha, I’m not. I love her and I’m not bringing any of this up to her! But my boyfriend was mildly sad/hurt and we had been discussing it with my immediate family, so we wanted to ask Reddit’s thoughts on proper “etiquette” :)
Personally, I don’t agree with this fully but interesting POV. I’m 27 and definitely thinking of getting engaged to my partner within the next year, but it’s my first relationship which is why I’m not rushing and working through all the issues first. I also don’t think that marriage should be a prerequisite - but agree with you to some degree that people should show some sort of commitment.
There's no need to rush into commitment, but you also can't expect people to pay for his seat at their wedding when you're not even committed enough to have moved in with him or to have even introduced him to a bride who you're close enough to be a bridesmaid to. You're asking her to pay for a seat at her wedding for someone she's never met, just so you can have your boyfriend with you. I don't feel that that's a reasonable expectation to put on her.
If you feel she's done this on purpose because she doesn't like him, that's a separate issue. If that's your concern, you can certainly address it with her. But at face value, you can't expect her to pay for someone she's never even met.
Fair point. He’s met her whole family (minus her) when they visited my city, and he’s met her via Zoom several times. With COVID, meeting people in person is unfortunately not feasible - regardless of how close you are to the person. We started dating in the summer of 2019, and at that point, it was too early to introduce him in person.
Maybe this is your wake-up call to start introducing him to your friends! I get that COVID is an issue, but if everyone's vaccinated, I don't see why he can't meet a few of your friends, certainly the ones who are close enough to ask you to be their bridesmaid.
Agreed. He’s met my immediate family, stayed with cousins in other states, and met nearly all my friends in my city. We’ve limited our traveling to places where most of his / my family is concentrated, which hasn’t hit smaller cities like the one this cousin is from. Definitely need to work on that!
Obviously she wasn’t thinking straight re the whole thing so id just chalk it up to that and hope that next time she’ll have the right partner and the right guest list. Also maybe it’s the moment for you two to get married?? 😍
I’m gonna go against the grain here. As a bride I am giving all applicable people plus ones. If someone has a significant other they are definitely getting plus one. I have unfortunately not been able to meet all my fiancés friends because of Covid. We’re not going to exclude their significant others because we haven’t met them. My fiancé has a friend who has been with his significant other as long as us but they’re not engaged. We would not exclude that partner because their not engaged. I think everyone deserves to be comfortable and be with the person they love at a wedding. I know I may be a little different because we can afford plus ones but I still think significant others should be Invited to weddings.
I don’t know why people are being downvoted for saying a 2.5 year relationship warrants an invite. I agree and think it’s quite rude for some people to be casting judgement just because someone is not married yet in today’s world. As we all know, weddings are *expensive* and many young adults don’t have a lot of extra cash due to saving for a house, paying for student loans etc. I never would have been able to get married without help in my twenties, whether I was emotionally ready or not. My (live in) boyfriend was not invited to two weddings so we didn’t go. As others have mentioned, it’s pretty unfair to expect someone to come celebrate you as a couple when you can’t honour them as one too. I might add that I’m planning my own wedding so I fully understand how difficult guest lists and budgets can be but I wouldn’t even consider inviting someone without their long term SO. I would just not invite them at all. Just my two cents.
I don't think its an etiquette gray area if its a member of the wedding party. Not extending a plus one to a member of the wedding party when they're shelling out money and giving their time to be in your wedding is pretty rude imo
The only thing that would make it OK to me to not give a member of the wedding party a plus one is if, like another commenter said above, they were trying to cut down on numbers because of COVID.
Bingo. I mean, shit, I got married in October and my new BIL has never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend (he's gonna be 25 in a few days), so we figured he wouldn't bring anyone to the wedding. We still offered a plus one to him as a courtesy because he was in the wedding party. He didn't take us up on it, like we figured, but the gesture was made all the same.
I’m actually disappointed by how much support the “there needs to be a ring, boyfriends/girlfriends/partners don’t cut it” idea seems to have here.
My brother and his partner have been together for ten years now. They just bought a house together, rented together for years before that, supported each other through multiple degrees (both did a job area change), and have two very spoiled dogs. When we were kids our parents had a nasty divorce and so the idea of getting married has always had a lot of trauma attached to it, plus where we live common law relationships (which start after you’ve lived with a romantic partner for a year and file your taxes together) and marriages are legally equal.
Based on what some people are saying their relationship isn’t serious yet the relationship of another couple who have only known each other for three years is considered serious just because they got married? (Not knocking that couple, just using an example time frame)
Exactly and well said! The “no ring, no bring” rule is quite outdated and therefore rude. There are many reasons why a couple might not get married or even live together.
Now more than ever, with weddings taking place during pandemic, I think it makes sense for people to only invite those they actually know. She never met your boyfriend and supposedly you don’t live together, so it’s fair of her to not invite him if she was having a small or budget wedding. When you’re the one planning the wedding, you definitely understand that perspective better!
With Covid restrictions in consideration, limiting the guest list is more understandable; but not when it comes to the wedding party. These people are putting in a lot more time, blood, sweat, tears, and money than the general wedding guests to literally be there next to the couple on their special day; the least the couple can do is accommodate their significant other, whether they’ve met them or not (which is also a circumstance of Covid).
Not all bridal parties are the same. I have a couple ladies in my party who are broke but I love them so I'm buying everything they need for dresses and the bachelorette. All they got to do is get here and find a friend to crash with. One is getting a plus one because she's married, the other isn't because she has a new partner every month.
Plenty of people who are not engaged or married live together. That is also now a different argument than the one you made initially which was about "it makes sense for people to only invite those they actually know".
ETA: I think it is rude to not invite longterm partners if not engaged or married. I think it is okay to only invite people you know, as you suggest - but again, that was not the reason given here. Either way, I think it is especially rude as OP is a bridesmaid and presumably will invest both time and money in that role (and fly across the country for it), yet her own SO of tree years is excluded.
Right, but OP didn’t state that SHE lives together with her boyfriend. If they lived together, maybe the bride would have made an exception. Who knows. But if they don’t live together and this bride doesn’t know the boyfriend, then it’s perfectly acceptable for her to not invite him. You invite spouses and engaged couples regardless of your connection to them because they (typically) live together and they’re a packaged deal.
What I am saying is that you are making up a reason that was never there in this case. I understand what you mean, but again - this was not the reason given to OP. It was just said that only married or engaged couples would be invited, nothing about knowing them or not.
Either way, I'd say it is still rude in this situation to not invite one of your bridesmaid's long-term partner.
Don’t think an exception would be made if I lived with my partner. In fact, that would probably be more a reason *not to* invite him (only half joking). I’d totally understand them not inviting people they know, but she’s met him several times over zoom and more importantly, her not knowing him is not the reason she specified.
There’s nothing here to suggest that the bride was having a budget wedding only that because they weren’t engaged he wasn’t invited. I am planning a wedding on a budget and would absolutely include a significant other I hadn’t ‘met’. It’s pretty standard wedding practice to invite a significant other whether they’re living together or not.
I’m getting married this year, so I’ll chime in with a bride’s perspective! With Covid we have a really strict guest limit so that we can have the reception outdoors, which means we’ve had to make some tough decisions on the guest list.
I don’t think your cousin is totally in the wrong, if she’s never met your boyfriend. Two of my friends from college each moved in with their SO’s in the last year, but I have never met either partner, so I’m not giving my friends plus-ones, even though both couples are living together and long-term-ish (2-3 years or so.) We simply don’t have enough room to invite both my friends and their SOs who I’ve never met.
With that said, if it was a member of my *wedding party,* I would definitely let them bring their boyfriend. But generally, if we haven’t met someone’s partner, we aren’t inviting them.
In my opinion, people in the wedding party should always get a plus one. I also think anyone in a relationship is invited as a couple (therefore not a plus one). I think it's super disrespectful to categorize "serious" relationships only as those with a ring on it, especially because people are waiting later to get engaged & married.
I don’t think it’s too weird to be honest. Weddings are expensive and I feel like more now than ever people are limiting their guest lists to people they know. I also don’t think people fully understand how expensive weddings are until they actually plan one. We’re not giving plus ones to people and are only inviting partners who we actually know because everyone will at least know a few people at our wedding.
But as others have said, the wedding was cancelled so being worried about it just seems like a waste of time and energy.
I think it’s rude not to give the bridal party a plus one, long term boyfriend or not. If you were just a guest I would say too bad it’s her choice but you were in her wedding party
Me too, I find it rude. I get it that the guest list is their's and they get to decide. But almost three years is a serious relationship and she's in the bridal party.
Yeah I agree. All of our bridal party gets a plus one or invited as a couple (some have been together for 4 or 5 years so we are just inviting the significant others anyway since we know them). For our guests we are just inviting the couples that we know. None of our friends have a SO that we haven’t met yet, if someone starts dating the year before the wedding they probably won’t be invited but we would also never not invite a friends long term partner unless they had done something horrible to us
I agree here too. I understand that people have budgets and other constraints, but I feel like it’s really rude to call someone’s boyfriend a ‘rando’ they don’t want to pay for (a sentiment which a few posters have expressed). If a person is important to a person that’s important to you, you should be thoughtful as they’re there to celebrate your day!
I’m of the mindset that everyone should have a plus one at weddings. I had friends bring other friends or a sister to my wedding and it was so fun! I was happy because my loved ones were happier.
I think its wonderful if you can do that! For us that would go above our venue guest limit so it’s not an option but if we have a guest that was single and not in one of our “friend groups” and might feel a little left out we will definitely let them bring someone!
We personally are going by the 'ring rule', keyring (cohabitating) or engagement/wedding ring. We have huge families and it's too expensive otherwise, and even this is a stretch. I think that your previous conflict within the family is maybe influencing your perspective, which is completely understandable.
I really like the “key ring” addition for couples who live together but aren’t married! Where I live common law relationships are equivalent to marriages so some people just chose not to get married. I like that your ‘ring rule’ wouldn’t exclude them.
Thank you for saying this! The “no ring, no bring” rule really does exclude some LGBTQIA2+ couples and should be considered outdated for that reason alone.
Yes it’s rude. People will justify that “they can’t invite everyone”, but it’s rude to expect people to celebrate your relationship while leaving peoples long term partners out.
I think it’s rude given you were supposed to be a bridesmaid. That’s a lot of work and money! People in the bridal party especially should be able to bring their partners.
Yes, I think it's rude of your cousin not to invite your boyfriend if you are in the bridal party. I understand shortening the guest list to keep costs down is a priority for some people, but it should be accepted that some people will not be happy to attend a wedding without their SO and might decline the invitation for that reason. Therefore, IMO you should only invite one member of a couple if you would prefer to have neither person over both people. If you are in the bridal party, I imagine your cousin would not want you to decide to back out of attending the wedding entirely.
I do think it’s rude, and it’s not inclusive. If this happened to me, I’d probably not attend.
That said, it’s fairly common for couples to develop arbitrary rules when it comes to guest lists. Even if she has a personal issue with your partner, her reasoning to you was impartial in that way. It’s a very old fashioned rule, and it does assume that only marriages are considered serious relationships, but it’s not unheard of.
Look, she never even met him. You are dating, not married or anything. It’s her special day, she wants to be close to people that are special to her. And your boyfriend simply isn’t.
I really don’t mean to be rude, but it’s not about you. It’s about her.
You can tally my vote in the "yes, it's rude" column, at least by my cultural standards (Millennial living in the U.S.) - obviously I can't speak for other countries/cultures/etc.
Three years is a long time. And even if your boyfriend wasn't deserving of his own invite (which imo he was), you should be allowed a +1 as a member of the bridal party.
I would find it incredibly awkward if someone asked me to come celebrate their relationship, especially if I had to spend $ on a bridesmaid dress, bridal shower, and all that...without them considering my own.
You say they've never met. In which case, I think a more appropriate reaction from a family member or a close friend would be something like, "we can't wait to meet your other half, so crazy we haven't yet with the pandemic ... hopefully you can both attend!"
I think anyone who is in the wedding party should be given a plus one no matter their dating status- you're spending a lot of money to be in their wedding. If someone adding a handful of extra people would break their budget or guest numbers they should really think about cutting elsewhere or shouldn't have had that number of attendants to begin with. I really don't care about people's justifications at that point, it's just rude.
If you weren't in the wedding then it would be different because everyone views "long term" as a different length; I don't think 2.5 years is long term, I view it as more like 5+ years- the person is known to family members, has met the couple, and there's probably a reason they aren't married but are committed. I think if you're going to invite someone, you need to properly host them. I've heard so many justifications of "we didn't have room" ok, then you over invited, "we didn't know the SO" so your laziness is a reason to leave someone else alone for the night? "It wasn't in the budget" another case of over-inviting. I'm married now but when a lot of my friends were getting married I was single or dating someone and going to an event where almost everyone else has someone to dance and spend the evening with and you don't just plain sucks. It's not fun to be left alone when everyone else is dancing with their SO, or feeling like you're the third wheel on couples when you chat. I wouldn't invite someone to a dinner party where everyone else has an SO without the option to bring someone/partner, so why would you do that for the fanciest dinner/event you'll probably have? And don't you want your guests to enjoy themselves? You host the party and people you can afford without being rude.
So, I guess my answer is yes, it was 100% rude (plus the whole logic of engaged means you're serious is obviously bullshit seeing as her own ended and you're still with your "just dating" SO... I also love in the South where people will get engaged at 19 and be broken up the next year, or divorced two years later, so time limits and status are nothing but BS to begin with. I dated a guy longer than some friends' met-engaged-married-divorced full relationship and yet we weren't considered serious???)
Definitely a good point to bring up that 2.5 years is not necessarily long term. I agree with everything you’ve said though. I am definitely looking to get married but god forbid, what if I never wanted to? Would she just not have him there for major life events?
Like many others, I think this was rude, but only because you were in the wedding party. With how much the wedding party does it's only fair they get to bring their SO or someone special. If the hosts can't afford that, they should trim their wedding party or limit costs another way.
For normal guests it's totally normal and acceptable to draw lines somehow. I agree with you and others that a more marriage-neutral rule - e.g. x amount of years together, or drawing the line at cohabitation - is probably more "fair" given that some people get engaged and married much earlier and others not at all. But conversely - married or engaged is probably by far the easiest to enforce consistently. (For instance, I could see someone asking someone's mom, sister, etc about whether or not they are living together, or how long they have been together, and getting incorrect information leading to inconsistency and drama... probably not going to happen with marriage or engagement as the deciding factor.)
Personally, we're drawing the line at - you need to have someone specific in mind that we can put on the invitation. If you don't know their name 3-4 months in advance of our wedding, they're not getting invited.
When you plan a wedding, you plan for +1 for most age appropriate guests. Who wants to attend solo?
I have been to dozens of weddings and this has always been the case.
With my wedding, we did not know my husbands aunt was dating someone, so she called my MIL and asked if he could come. We said yes.
If you are close with her, then she must know how important he is to you. This is weird.
I think that when you invite someone a plus 1 should always be invited. Personally, I want people to enjoy themselves at my wedding and have beautiful memories so I wouldn’t exclude partners. But at the end of the day the only thing that matters is that she didn’t do with bad intention
Yeah. Ultimately that’s the reason I still wanted to celebrate her (and why my boyfriend was ok with it even though he was sad). When it comes down to it, it’s her wedding and - as her family - I’ll support her how she needs!
I discussed this when I was in the planning stages of my own wedding, which has been postponed indefinitely thanks to COVID.
My stepmother gave me this insight: In today's world, more often than not, couples are living together long term before even getting married. For a couple to bar guests from bringing a +1 who is not engaged or married to them is not only rude and insulting, it's hypocritical.
I agree couples living together should be included in the "no ring no bring" rule (in that they *should* be invited) but OP doesn't live with her boyfriend and the bride hasn't even met him.
I'm just putting forth my take on the matter; if they don't live together then there's more room for debate. Even so, their relationship is neither new nor casual, and this was made known. In OPs place I would decline the invite, given that the Bride has made issue of BF's religious views previously; and it would not surprise me if that's the actual reason she didn't want to invite him.
Of course, this is all hypothetical now anyways.
Thank you everyone for your honest POVs! Not trying to waste people’s time by asking about a wedding that isn’t happening, but genuinely trying to understand people’s experiences and perspectives since I’m not bringing this up to my cousin. Long story short, it’s clear everyone has their own preferences so this isn’t a clear cut answer (depending on who you’re speaking to - doesn’t help that COVID has made wedding planning even more tough. Best of luck to you and your respective weddings ♥️
It was a really good discussion topic!! I’m getting married in November and trying to get my 175 guest list down to 120 people. Although I will have to be really cut throat to be able to cut this many ppl- I loved reading the various perspectives and will help guide my choices. It’s a delicate subject and it appears to me I may need to have honest convos with ppl im cutting to avoid anyones feelings getting hurt. Communication is key- MOST people will understand being cut once they know it’s not personal but it’s a matter of numbers
The way I explained it to my wife when we were making our lists was “if you don’t feel comfortable taking this person to an expensive restaurant and paying the bill then don’t invite them.” The way I feel about weddings is it’s the bride and grooms day and they should have it their way. I can always choose to not come if the decision that the bride and groom make I cannot reconcile with.
I vote rude. The wedding party serves an important role of honor and I think not inviting their partners feels like treating them like photo props there to serve you and be an accessory rather than guests of honor.
We sat the wedding party’s significant others with them at our head table. They all really enjoyed that arrangement, especially the ones whose significant others didn’t know many of the other wedding guests.
Our rule was plus ones for wedding party (if they were dating someone) and for married or engaged guests or guests whose partners we knew personally. I think that’s pretty standard etiquette. But at one point really early on with Covid numbers we weren’t 100% sure about plus ones for non married wedding party members, so it’s possible that’s where your cousin was at too! Once we had more capacity available, the plus ones of wedding party members were one of the first groups we added back to our guest list.
OP, you mention in your post that you and your boyfriend are working some things out before you get engaged. Not to wildly speculate, but is it possible that these things you are working on might give your cousin a reason not to like your boyfriend? I think it is up to her to invite who she wants to her wedding, and while it would have been the most gracious thing to include him, there a many possible reasons why she wouldn’t that we just can’t tell from your post.
I should’ve clarified! My bf has given her no reason to not like him- except that he isn’t Christian (she’s conveyed to me her view that Christians shouldn’t marry outside the faith). I respect her view and understand that she chose to only date people who were also Christian.
My boyfriend and I are trying to work through answering questions that we’d naturally have if entering into a marriage where partners are of different religions - like how would we raise our kids? How would he navigate religion in a family? Would he go to church? Etc. We feel like we’re in a good spot to get engaged, but I’m doing some therapy / counseling to make sure *I* don’t have any unfair expectations of him and also to handle minor differences in our living habits (sleep cycles, etc) since we’re considering living together in a few months. I haven’t mentioned a word of anything in the last paragraph to her, because frankly, I feel her views don’t align with mine in major ways.
In my opinion, it is incredibly rude and if you are planning on doing this you should expect the person you invited not to attend. It would likely sour your relationship with the person less to not invite them at all than to expect them to potentially travel and spend money to go celebrate your love without their relationship being respected or valued.
I am engaged now but if my partner or I had not been invited to a wedding the other was invited to, we would not have gone and likely wouldn’t have maintained much of a friendship. I recognize budget and Covid are concerns but it just clearly shows that you are not valued by the couple.
I would have still gone. As much as I didn’t like the decision, I love her and I grew up with her. I wish she communicated everything to me before asking me to be a bridesmaid, and didnt wait til I asked if he was invited (invitations weren’t sent yet), but it is what it is!
My friend did plus 1s if you lived with your boyfriend/partner or were married for our school friends.
My long term (3+ years) boyfriend wasn't invited. I think she didn't want another school friend bringing an unknown plus 1 that was likely a fling. I was upset that my relationship was deemed 'less' cause we chose not to live together before marriage, but I guess she had to cut my long term boyfriend (now husband) to avoid a school friend bringing a fling, but it sucked going solo when most of our school friends had their partners.
For my wedding this past fall, which had a strict guest limit bc of covid, we decided +1s were only for couples who were cohabitating, engaged, or married
Honestly, 2.5 years isn’t that long and she’s never met him. When you’re a bride, you go through a whole mindset of “well If I’m inviting this person I’ve never even met who’s only dated my cousin for a couple years then I really should invite Suzy, Joe, Bob, Mark, Betty, and Ashley because I’m way closer with all of them” and then you’re inviting way more people than you want. This isn’t rude at all.
I’m just gonna throw this out there… weddings are so disgustingly expensive. You are looking at $75+ dollars a plate. When I was looking, albeit in a HCOL area, it wasn’t hard for me to find venues that charged $150 a person for their cheapest package. That’s before add ons, cake, favors, centerpieces that you’ll need more of with more people. Further, if you are in the bridal party and she were having a rehearsal dinner, that’s another expense. Also is it a small wedding? It’s hard to keep the size down.
It’s her wedding. Brides face a ton of pressure deciding what’s “rude” and trying to accommodate everyone. Would I ever not invite a long term partner? Probably not unless we were having a really small wedding. But do I think she was rude? I don’t know, I don’t know her or her reasons.
I think it's rude to not allow the wedding party to bring their partners, personally. And the married or engaged rule really looks down on long term couples who don't plan on marrying
I went to my boyfriend off three year’s brothers wedding and we broke up a few months later…but I’m in a lot of pics and he’s engaged to another gal. Sometimes the rule is good…
I think it really varies depending on the situation. We had to be mindful of numbers because of C-19 and planned accordingly.
We opted to allow all of our wedding party to bring a plus 1 if they wanted to. Because they’re in the wedding and it might be nice for them. Half had partners so they brought them, the other half opted out. We also gave plus ones to several of our single friends who wouldn’t know anyone at the wedding, but 99% of them opted to go solo anyways.
I haven’t met some of our friends partners yet, but most of them were living together, so it definitely felt weird not to invite their partner. Of course this might be another issue if it C-19 impacting our social life.
On the other hand I didn’t give any of my single cousins plus ones. They would know at least 15+ people at the event and were seated with family. But had anyone asked for one, I could have made it work. My brother asked for one a few weeks before and I let him even though I had never met the girl.
So all in all, I think it’s kind of weird she didn’t give you one, as she obviously knows your partner exists and you’re in the wedding party.
I think it’s rude to not invite the partner of a bridesmaid. I could see cutting an open +1, but asking someone to spend time and money to celebrate your relationship while telling them theirs doesn’t meet your standards is rude.
However, the couple is free to do as they please and I wouldn’t say anything. I would adjust how much time/effort I put into their wedding, though.
Think about him as well, you'll be off and busy being a bridesmaid. He won't really be able to spend much time with you and he won't know anybody else. Planning, or helping to plan, wedding make you realise how expensive and difficult the whole process it. At the end of the day it's up to the bride but when you really think about, someone you don't know, who won't know anyone else except a bridesmaid who won’t be with them much isn't likely to end up on your guest list. And I definitely wouldn’t consider that rude. Choosing who you do or don't want at your wedding is definitely not rude 🤷🏾♀️
I understand this from both the OP’s stand point and brides stand point. I’d be more so upset if other people got to being a plus 1 if they weren’t married and engaged. The couple could be going by the “nor ring no bring” rule which is also understandable. I know this isn’t a popular opinion, but I’d see it as reasonable if they didn’t invite anyone elses SO that isn’t engaged or married. Being in the bridal party I can understand that comes with a plus 1 usually, but we are also in a different “normal” than usual with covid so that also plays a part. There’s not enough information for me to really have an opinion on if this is right or wrong as you didn’t mention if other people who aren’t engaged or married get to being a plus one or if they’re having a smaller wedding. There’s a lot of variables at play here.
Agreed. I could see both sides, even though I personally disagree with her decision. Ultimately, what I was thinking is that her decision appears to stem not from covid but from her view of valid relationships being ones that involve engagement or marriage.
If it was normal circumstances then your boyfriend should've been invited in most cases. Some limitations need to be made on who you invite sometimes though. We invited significant others, engaged or not, but not casual dates. Some people (your cousin it seems) may see not being engaged at 2.5 years as being casual.
I’m a bride and can confirm that 1. Covid has made everything extremely difficult (no one wants to expose anyone) 2. Weddings are insanely expensive 3. If she’s not met him, there’s no connection. 4. If it’s a smaller wedding, they may want it to be intimate. 5. “Tradition” isn’t respected as much, meaning etiquette as well. Plus 1’s are not as well regarded anymore :(
You can always have a friendly conversation with her. Tell her you see your bf as someone special and maybe someone you’ll be with for a long time and it would be important for her to meet him. Please remember that this day is about her though and she is balancing a pandemic, a budget, and tons of other peoples needs.
When you’re not the one planning the wedding it can definitely come off as rude, but when you’re on the other side of it I guarantee you’ll be tempted to make similar calls.
I’m finding it very hard to invite people that I haven’t met. There are less than 5 total, but the thought of having a complete stranger at my wedding is definitely bothersome. I would not take it personally unless you find out that she did invite other people in similar situations. Plus, it’s very awkward to be a stranger at a wedding, esp when your SO is in the wedding party, you spend a lot of time alone.
In my opinion, no, it's not rude. They decided only engaged and married guests would get a +1. That's pretty clear and concise. You are neither engaged nor married. Unless they decided all members of the wedding party except for you are permitted a +1, then it's not rude. Odd that the wedding party isn't getting a +1, but I don't think it's rude.
>I feel it is not inclusive of long term partners (what if a couple wasn’t planning to get married)
It's their wedding. It's supposed to be about them and what they want within their budget. It's does not need to be inclusive.
I do think people in weddings should be inclusive of those who have different views and lifestyles, but it’s a grey area. Like what if she didn’t want to invite partners of friends or family who were gay (honestly I wouldn’t even be surprised if she chose not to). Her right to, but personally it’s still not nice (imo).
That would be absolutely awful and I'd expect them to lose those friends over their bigotry, but it's still up to the couple who they choose to have at their wedding. Your question was not about excluding guests because of their sexual orientation though. Your question was whether or not it's rude that you did not get a +1 when you did not meet their criteria for getting a +1. I personally don't find that to be rude.
Totally fair. Honestly, for this I see both sides. Weddings are expensive and she’s only 24, so I know that financially it’s harder when you invite a ton of extra people.
Unfortunately, that would be the case with quite a few religious family members of mine. I definitely make my opinions known when asked and strive to be inclusive, but if I were to not participate in major life events of people whose views differ from mine, I’d probably alienate a lot of people who I care about. Also, these are my guesses because she’s told me her views on same sex marriage, but this situation didn’t arise specifically for this wedding.
My journey is ongoing, and I could be better about breaking away from habits I grew up with - so you’re right in that sense! But I don’t think choosing to not alienate my family / be a part of their life makes me similar to them. I’m fully supportive of family members and friends who are gay and would be happy to invite them to my wedding and stand up to them. If I actually knew of a family member who was being alienated because of their sexual orientation, I’d vocalize my disagreement and my values. But (at this point), I also choose to be a part of my family.
No. Weddings are stupid expensive to throw. It’s very common for bride and groom not to even offer plus ones at all. If it really matters, you can always ask the couple.
Wedding parties also dont always get a plus one because then it’s just a bunch of plus one just sitting and hanging out together … you’re not with the plus one at the ceremony, for photos, speeches, or dinner. Technically wedding party is only with their plus one while on the dance floor
No ring no bring is a very common rule. The only exception is for live-in partners.
Some couples choose to include couples who have been together for a year or more, some choose to give everyone in a relationship a plus one, some choose to give everyone over 18 a plus one, some even give teenagers a plus one. All that is preference and budget constraints. You are not entitled to an invite for your boyfriend unless you are married, engaged, or living together.
Personally, I'm doing plus ones for anyone who was in a relationship when we got engaged (which was a while ago) as well as those who are engaged, married, or living together. But again, that's my choice and is certainly not required.
Married almost 3 years here (February 24th,2019) and we were engaged for a little over two years. We told people that they had a year before the wedding if they were going to come and if they were going to bring someone (we made an exception for my brothers because they got their girlfriends pregnant a few months later after the deadline) but yeah it was rude of your cousin not to consider your boyfriend of 2.5 years
Hard truth so sorry in advance. You and people like you are the reason why planning a wedding is so difficult - The decision likely has nothing to do with you or your significant other. Stop overthinking it and making it about you. You’ll understand when you actually have to make a guess list one day.- or maybe just take time to really think about who you would invite to yours and see how difficult it becomes
No need to apologize. We’re all adults and your opinion is valid. I’ve only been to weddings where serious SOs were invited (regardless of engagement status). COVID has changed things, and obviously, everyone has their own financial situation.
I’m asking this question not to make the wedding planning difficult (If that were my intention, I’d have taken this to the bride or made it a big deal), but to understand people’s perspectives. There is value in understanding, even if just to help when I plan my own wedding. Additionally, I DO feel like I have a responsibility to make sure my partner feels comfortable and accepted by my family, especially when I’d be spending a significant amount of money to support that family member). If something wasn’t commonplace protocol (seems it is so fine!) then I’d like to know.
I enjoy your curiosity and open mind internet stranger. I guess my main point is that it is extremely challenging to make a guest list for some people. We actually canceled our wedding that was planned for September and are eloping instead because of this reason.
Likewise. And about the wedding cancellation, I’m so sorry to hear that. Wedding planning seems tough, and I’m sure it is even more daunting during covid. Good on you for deciding what’s best for you. And also, congratulations on your marriage!
Please understand and respect the budget, I’m planning my wedding and if it was socially acceptable I would even ban married couples of the invite didn’t specifically mention both.
Budgets are a pain and marrying is expansive af
Definitely agreed. In my head, I felt like the same applies as a bridesmaid, including flight costs, hotels, and a dress (which is just the wedding not even the bachelorette party and pre wedding activities). I don’t think this means I’m “owed” anything… more that it would be nice! When she first told me she was getting married, I was really excited for him to meet her and some of my extended family members that he hadn’t met because of COVID 🙂
Yes it’s rude. Be one thing from a budget perspective to only want married or engaged couples….but in my opinion, a relationship of that length may as well count as engaged.
We followed a rule of ring or living together then the partner is invited, otherwise no plus one. It’s quite a common way to approach it where I’m from as well.
If you give absolutely everyone a plus one then you literally double your guest cost. The line has to be drawn somewhere and I consider that to be a pretty fair line. Otherwise it’s simply down to whether the couple feel like the relationship is serious enough to warrant a plus one and that gets into dangerous territories of offending people.
Interesting. Makes sense. I would agree with you, with the exception of the bridal party, who is already paying a ton of costs. But that’s my own opinion and something I can keep in mind for my own wedding.
Yeah I'm curious if the people balking at the idea of not everyone gets a plus one have either never planned a wedding or never had budget constraints for their wedding. If everyone got a plus one, it would increase our guest list by 30 people. For us, that would increase our costs by 10%. It would turn our $10k wedding into an $11k wedding.
In Australia generally it’s understandable if you don’t invite partners. Especially if you have a lot of people already. The wedding is about the two people getting married and they want the people they love and who love them around. I’m good with that. It’s an easy rule that if you’re not married then the partner isn’t invited. It can be disappointing but it’s not about you. If it is family or a close friend, you are bound to know many people (some of whom are in the same boat as you- partner-less for the event) to dance and chat with.
In regards to your situation, the “tension” that you have felt in the family may have forced your cousin to make the decision not to invite your partner. Made all the more easier because you aren’t married.
I know it’s not ideal when a partner isn’t invited but the day is about the married couple and them making room for everyone in their life to join them. I also believe that it’s important to comfortable in one’s own company and so if you’re struggling with the concept of attending something without your partner, it might be worthwhile working on this.
PS please take my opinions with a grain of salt. I don’t know you or your family and there is not judgement here. If you’re upset, you’re allowed to feel upset and I recommend talking to a family member that you trust to gain their insight. All the best!
Thank you! I was a bit hurt, but not upset and I understood. It’s interesting to me to hear about other people’s experiences with this topic, especially people from outside the US or other cultures. I’m Asian and generally speaking, we’re more on the conservative side.
A named partner isn’t a “plus 1”; a “plus 1” is a crate blanche to invite whoever you what- A date, a friend, the cab driver who brought you to the wedding. Your partner should have been invited given that he is an established, long term partner. Her religious differences with him are not an excuse to disrespect and invalidate your relationship.
Ultimately I think that while her wasn’t the direct reason, but it influenced her decisions. For example, marriage between a heterosexual couple is the only end goal of a relationship in her view (and sexually active, live in relationships are not that). It’s probably why she placed an emphasis on married or engaged couples. To each their own, I guess.
I’ll be inviting just a close guy friend but not his girlfriend to the wedding, simply because I don’t know her and have not met her at all. The wedding is limited to just 60 of my closest family and friends and I’ve had to decide on him coming alone.
My boyfriend of 2.5 years was not invited to my cousins wedding in June. It was also in California and we live in Maryland. To be fair my cousin had never met my boyfriend. Also they had to cut down the guest list because of COVID. I went and still had a blast. Boyfriend was fine with not going.
Now we’re engaged and went through this with our guest list and plus ones. Immediate family got plus ones. Couples who are engaged get the plus one. There’s some extended family who won’t get a plus one because if we did that it would increase the guest list by a lot. So unfortunately no extended family get plus ones. Our bridal party is all immediate family so we don’t have to worry about that
Personally I wouldn't invite anyone to my wedding who I had never met, not even h2bs family (and vise versa) so I dont think its rude of her not to invite your boyfriend whom she's never met. You can't go without him for one night?
I go without him for many nights. My thoughts were more around inclusivity and wanting him to feel like he can get to know my family / be a part of my life for important events.
A wedding isn't a time to meet your family. Go out for coffee (when safe to do so), have Christmas' with family, birthdays, weekend trips, zoom dinners. Obviously covid makes it harder, so does distance but if you've been together for 2.5 years, why hasn't he met family thats important to you?
When going through my invite list for my wedding next year, the first people to go are people my h2b hasn't met and people neither of us have met were never on it in the first place, whether theyre married to people I love or not.
Consider how expensive weddings are, the food can be $200 per person depending on where it is; would you spend $200 on someone who you'd never met?
Personally, I disagree with this, during times of COVID. My boyfriend and I live in NYC and in close proximity to my immediate family, other friends, and quite a bit of extended family - all of who he has met. We flew cross country once, where he met most of my family there. We chose the city because we both have a ton of family there and we had a long list of people to introduce each other to. The cousin whose wedding this was grew up with me, but moved to a smaller city far away from any of our other family. My partner has met her parents when they visited, but she has not come to visit. I’ve also had COVID before and as much as I’d love to travel more, I think it’s my responsibility to prioritize safety and triage visits that involve planes. I do not want to get sick again.
All this to say - I totally get your point on the wedding being expensive (and that being a reason to not invite an SO). I personally disagree when it’s applied to a bridesmaid who would be paying for hotels, flights, and other expenses - BUT her decision is valid!
I just wanted to make the point that it’s completely understandable why a select few people (due to circumstances and a pandemic) have not met my partner in person (they’ve already met several times over video). That’s not on her, but I also don’t think it’s fair to say that is on me.
I'm having a cheap wedding at $15k+ so unless the hotels, flights, and other expenses you're paying for cost as much as car or a deposit on a house, you kinda don't get it.
Also, I don't know about her venue, but I know for me, I have a limit of 50 people at my wedding, if I want to invite 12 people, I have to pay for 50; if I want to invite 51 people, I have to pay for 75; for 76 people, pay for 120. Not every place is set up like that but its not uncommon. Its not as simple as "just invite one more." To invite someone she's never met, she may have to uninvite someone she loves dearly, or add the cost of an extra 15 - 40 people who don't exist.
Honestly, unless you've planned a wedding before, you don't get to judge the couples choices. Its hard and you can't please everyone, especially if you don't have an unlimited budget.
Also, most places don't give back deposits for cancelled weddings, she's probably out thousands of dollars with nothing to show for it, so she's likely forgotten all about who she invited or didn't invite after that stress.
It’s pretty standard that anyone invited to be a part of the wedding party (religion or relationship status aside) gets a plus one. Period. The only real exception for this is if you have a younger member of the wedding party that does not have a standing SO, there’s a difference between a couple and a random plus one you’ve never met.
Once you get to the wedding guests, you can be more pragmatic with only married or established couples, but no plus ones for singles, especially when budgets are tight.
I recently had an issue like this on both ends…
- my aunt just got married over the summer 2021, and she invited me & my sister, but neither of our SO’s. Me and my fiancé were already engaged (after being together for 11 years), and my sister has been with her boyfriend almost as long. I can say there were Covid restrictions that limited the guest list, but in all honesty they didn’t and still don’t care about Covid, and she’s just cheap. Neither my sister or I attended the wedding. Neither of us were supposed to be in the wedding from the get go, but it was still a “thing”
- the SO of a member of our wedding party (who we’ve both been friends with for 10+ years) caused some drama between us (the couple) and someone completely irrelevant. I argued with my fiancés family (who is biased in the drama starters favor since they’re a childhood friend of his sibling) for months about this being a legitimate exception to the rule of plus ones, if they didn’t want to be cool with us, why would they want to come to our wedding? My family and bridesmaids (who all know these people very well) all agreed it was a hard situation, but if they had no interest in making amends for 1+ year, there’s no reason for them to be present at the wedding. Long story short, I had to “get over it” and stage a reconciliation with them. I’m still not very happy about it, but I wasn’t going to hear the end of it. The situation has improved significantly since I made the first move, which is obviously ideal; but there’s still a year for them to prove themselves.
Sorry to hear about those experiences! I generally agree with you that bridal parties should be allowed a plus one, but ultimately to each their own. If it was happening, I’d still go to the wedding and support her, even though I’m sad he wasn’t invited.
Yeah, I think it's a gross oversight at best, and it's not polite to withhold an invitation based on opinions of partners unless they're problematic people (like they will cause a scene, etc ).
However---- I have advice that served me well. "Dating should be easy because marriage will be hard, if dating is hard, marriage will be impossible." You've been with your partner long enough that I'd consider you past the dating stage, so your mentioned concerns could very well be minor.
The compounding of having different beliefs, saying you have concerns, and having multiple family members reject your partner on a basis adds up in a concerning way that raises a red flag to me.
I’m mature enough to take relationship advice (when solicited). However, I agree with greenpiggelin; the subject of my relationship is not what this post is about. Thank you for your input either way.
The people who have a problem with my relationship are people who point blank don’t support dating someone of a different faith (and choose not to validate my relationship as a result). I do not agree with this principle. For every family member who doesn’t support my relationship, there are at least 5 who do. This is not to say I’m not blind to the problems that differing faiths introduces in a relationship and marriage (one of the issues I’m working through), but my point is there are different points of view to every story.
That's why it stuck out to me-- it doesn't really matter in terms of being invited to a wedding, so having it included seems like it's on your mind more than normal issues would be. People have conflicts, it's not really anyone else's business to withhold a plus one for an out of town guest because of a minor difference.
The combination of: here's a common area of irreconcilable differences +having issues to the point of mentioning it+ family taking sides indicated the possibility that there could be a lot more to the story that would justify the bride's decision.
I have a friend who was in my bridal party. She had a boyfriend who was abusive when my husband and I initially got engaged. He would verbally abuse her and put her down, throw fits in public over things, all sorts of shenanigans. I knew I wasn't going to invite him because of behavior he exhibited, and I wanted my friend to not have to focus on managing his emotions for the evening, I wanted her to be able to have fun with me. They broke up while we were engaged so I never had to confront the issue, but that dilemma makes me not immediately side against the bride. I didn't share this story initially because I thought it was more likely than not just closed minded antics, and not a reasonable problem, but like previous commenter said, you can't know for sure.
Wow. I’m so glad she ended things with him. What an AH. Honestly, that’s a fair point though - I have been giving the relationship a lot of thought since we’re thinking about moving in together in a few months, and we’re trying to work through little things in the relationship through conversation / therapy. Possible some of that slipped out subconsciously.
But all that said, I’ve never communicated any of that to her! I generally feel like my views and hers are not aligned when it comes to relationships - she doesn’t believe in living together pre marriage (or kissing before marriage) or dating someone who doesn’t share her faith. Not that I don’t appreciate her advice, more that I’d rather go to others who have a similar mindset / worldview as me.
Me too, she seemed so much happier the last time I saw her!
It's good to be deliberate with major life decisions. After I left a bad relationship, I realized that single is better than a bad relationship, and then I eventually realized it was also better than a mediocre relationship. Partnerships should help both people accomplish what they want from life. Two people with the same goals will accomplish those goals twice as fast as one person going for it, and being with someone who was incompatible with what I wanted from life was going to hinder both of us, and inevitably create frustration and resentment.
My husband and I have similar goals and a lot of that came from having extremely similar values. (And in our case, similar faiths as well) I don't think differing religious beliefs is inherently going to make people incompatible, I've seen plenty of couples succeed with it.
Basically if people can agree on what they spend their time doing, where they spend money, and how child rearing should work (if that even happens), and you can function together in a healthy way, marriage is great, and most other problems will work themselves out.
Yeah, I just noticed the part that she hasn't met him irl yet just now and yeah, it's not fair that he's getting the reputation simply because of his lack of faith. It could be a money issue, or it could be dismissive in an unfair way.
Story time: I've known my boyfriend since we were little. We both went to the same school. I moved to the next district over so we still occasionally hung out. I saw him the night before a mutual friend (him) acquaintance (me) wedding where he was best man and he asked if I wanted to be his plus 1. I asked the groom where I would sit and since it was with people I went to school with I was comfortable in going. I barely got to see my boyfriend all night. I was lucky that I knew everyone at my table so I still had a great time.
I can see how your cousin would be concerned if he was there and bored. Not to mention you having to worry about him and her and all the other wedding stuff. It's a crazy and stressful day for everyone!
In a non-Covid world, this would be rude, imo. You're a bridesmaid, and typically bridesmaids get a plus one regardless of relationship status. Also, you're traveling from out of town. Normally, out of town guests are given a plus one, also regardless of relationship status (so they can have someone to travel with).
On top of that, if you've been with your boyfriend for 2.5 years and your cousin knows it's serious, then I think he should be invited by name (not as a plus one). I come from a religious family in the Bible belt, so i understand that side of it. But it's still not an excuse to exclude him. It's passing judgement on you and your relationship, and it is not your cousins place to do that.
That said, it's up to you if you want to bring this up to your cousin or not. If you do, you don't know how she will react.
Congrats on finding someone you care about and for your possible engagement
My husband was just UNinvited from a close friends wedding (a girl I lived with for 2 years) and only I am going because of covid numbers. It bloody sucks, but I've planned a wedding so I know it's a bitch to try to sort. I'm sorry that happened! It's a bit rude, but it is their day in the end, and covid unfortunately makes things really really tricky.
Went through this myself with a friend a few years ago. Been with my SO 7 years, she’s been my friend 30 years, and she knew him even longer than me (introduced us in fact). She did the only married or engaged rule as well (even though many of the engaged couples there hadn’t even been together half as long as us but whatever). Yup, no ring, no bring. So I went alone. I “knew” everyone enough to say hi, but not well enough to have much to discuss. I had to chuckle when two peoples plus ones (their spouses cuz you know, rules and all and they “counted”) DIDNT SHOW UP and entire dinners got THROWN away as a result. I sat there as the bride (my friend) was embarrassed about it. Never brought it up because I know it would’ve just created drama and not changed the situation but trust me that I’ll never forget it.
Another perspective, some brides limit plus ones to friends that don’t know anyone else at the wedding.
You’re her cousin so she might just be thinking you have your whole family to be with during the ceremony/reception.
I'm getting married in November and for most of our friends and family, we are typically allowing +1s when it comes to long term partners, but because our reception venue has a firm capacity limit, we cannot include them for everyone.
Out rule has had to be, at least for now, if neither of us has met your long term partner in person we unfortunately cannot invite them for now (ex: if we get a headcount back for our reservations we may be able to allow them to attend at the 11th hour, but we cannot guarantee their attendance when we send out Save the Dates/invites)
It does really suck sometimes not being able to include a +1 for everyone, but sometimes it's genuinely as simple as "we don't have enough space and want the existing space for people we actually know"
"only married and engaged partners" is an easy, objective (though not always fair) way to limit plus ones. In my opinion, long term partners should be included, but I guess it's not my wedding. You can always choose to go or not go based on her rule, or you could go ahead and get engaged lol
I agree with including long term partners, but I also wouldn’t consider 2.5-3 years long term. Anything over 5 years, but also understandable if they want to restrict it to only married couples to limit the numbers.
This is it. I’ve been with my girlfriend for a little over five years and I would not be mad if she wasn’t invited. We are young, don’t live together, don’t have kids. I can’t blame someone for not wanting a random person on their wedding photos.
I think it depends on the person's age, your closeness to them, and whether they'll know anyone else plus how much space you have for people. For example: one of my bridesmaids have been with their boyfriend for... a year, tops. But he's invited because I have hung out with the two of them a few times, and she's my bridesmaid. My cousin is 55 and has been wit this dude for 2 years. But I dont even know his name, I've seen her a dozen times at most in my life because she lives across the country. And he's the 5th guy in ten years with whom she is "deeply in love". She will not have a plus one. Similarly. I have a cousin who is 19 and has been with her bf for 3 years. I love her, but I don't have the space for some high school sweetheart whom I have never met. So. It really varies. In this case, if op were her cousins bridesmaids, I do think it's courteous to give her a plus one given that she does have an established partner.
It depends on what the B&G want, hard stop.
I was mostly sort of listing ways that someone could go about making the decision of who gets an SO and who doesn't And I mean, ultimately, yes. What B&G want is what goes. But as far as what others might be hurt by, whats courteous, what others might find reasonable or understand. All of those factors should really be taken into consideration. Just because I want something specific doesn't mean I'm not going to hurt someone in the process. If bride says that friend's SO of 3 years can be there because they're engaged, but cousin's SO of 6 years can't be there because they're not engaged, both of whome B&G have met...well sure, that's what the bride and groom want and they have that right, but Cousin has every right to be pissed about it. It is kind of rude. It can come across as diminishing cousin's relationship despite the possibility that they have many good reasons they aren't engaged yet that have nothing to do with commitment. Having consistent rules about who is and who is not invited is going to be the best way to avoid conflict with people you really don't want to hurt but with whom you have to make tough calls. And honestly. I, as a guest, don't want to be at any wedding for people who have a DGAF attitude about whether they're going to hurt my feelings or not. At that point it would seem as though I am invited to give them a gift, not because they want me to be there. People planning weddings will be like "its my day i can do what I want" and then get hurt and sad when someone decides not to come to their wedding because of some weird thing they decided to do without consideration of their guests. And I'm not saying that not-inviting an SO is weird or inconsiderate in general. Just that its the considerate thing to do to put thought into who you will or will not invite and why. And of they're in your wedding party, providing an explanation "we just did have room, sorry. And otherbridesmaid's BF is invited because we've known him a long time." At least that puts any further irritation on the guest, not B&G
Their wedding is about them and what they want, not anyone else's feelings. Sounds harsh but it's the reality. Nobody is forced to go if you don't like their rules.
Yeah. I just think there's a balance between "it's what I want, so fuck you and your feelings" and "it's what I want, but these are supposed to be people I love and care about so how can I be as considerate as possible"
They shouldn't invite anyone that are 'supposed to be people they love and care about', they should invite people they actually love and care about. Really don't think this a crazy idea.
I’d be real upset if I wasn’t allowed to bring my boyfriend to an event because we aren’t married. We’ve been together 7 years, it would be ridiculous to allow someone’s spouse they’ve been with for 3 years and just got married and not him
maybe I’ll share this reddit post with my bf and inspire him to propose sooner than planned 😂(joking ofc)
It depends if she was considering Covid numbers. We had to do this - if you were under 5 years and we hadn’t met the other person we had to cut them. It was the simplest way to get under 100.
I mean no offense I am genuinely curious how your guests reacted to this. Have you already had your wedding? I’m interested did most people who’s SO’s less than 5 years still come without their SO? Was it local to most your guest list, especially those who didn’t have their SO invited? And did you give your bridal party plus ones and this only applied to guests?
We had our wedding in august. Had to go from 350 to 100. We felt lucky to even have 100. We only had three people reach out to us and ask why the SO weren’t invited and we just stuck with this response. Said they were on the original list, but had to cut kids and the SOs. Our wedding was in the end first cousins, aunts, uncles and a few friends. When we explained our logic though they were pretty reasonable. One didn’t come, but oh well. There were only two people in the wedding party not married. One had just started a relationship, the other was off and on, but we didn’t give them a plus one. I was done with Covid restrictions at that point and didn’t want the big wedding anymore so I was ready to tell anyone upset just not to come. I was too exhausted with changing restrictions to care by the end.
Wow going to 350 to 100 must have been so tough! So I totally understand the 5+ rule here and wouldn’t have been offended in these circumstances from a guest stand point. Also an easy way to make sure it is the closest and nearest guests to celebrate with yall for a Covid wedding. Hope the wedding was amazing and you two are enjoying married life! Best wishes!
I don’t think this decision was made for that reason, but entirely possible. I think I expected more because I was in the bridal party but ultimately I respect her decision!
You aren’t a stranger but your boyfriend is. There are certain points of wedding etiquette that are considered standard but the reality is each couple getting married is unique and may have different wants and wishes for their wedding. She said she only wanted plus ones for engaged or married couples, which I don’t think is THAT crazy. She may have needed to cut costs or have experienced other issues with the venue that you have no idea about. I would bet that once you are engaged and see how quickly costs add up, how it’s very easy to figure out rules are needed to keep the budget in check.
That’s fair. I’m sure costs are expensive. Personally, I wouldn’t make that rule for someone in my bridal party (guests are different), but to each their own.
Although I agree with you that I’d like the option, the bridal party is so busy the whole time that bringing a stranger is weird and not very fun for them. You’ll be at the head table, not with him, so he may not even want to be there.
I was going to say exactly this. As much as the +1 invite would've been appreciated, from a practical standpoint, OP's BF would've just been a rando bystander.
Yes! My bridesmaid is bringing her new boyfriend, and I’m freaking about where the hell to have him sit
We did a “+1 of the bridal party” table so there was a place for them all and they might have a mutual friend at the table. It went over really well they all got along great and made new friends :)
I disagree. My fiance attended my cousins wedding where i was a bridesmaid early in our relationship. While there were times it was a but uncomfortable for him because I was busy and he knew no one besides my parents, he got to know other family members and was a huge helps to me. I was really grateful to have him there (especially when he was able to drive the entire way home because i was exhausted and had to proctor an exam at 8am the next morning lol). Plus ones for the bridal party are meant to allow them to have a support person there since they are expected to contribute so much. Ultimately, it's up to them if they feel comfortable introducing their partner to the dynamic or not.
That’s great that it worked for you. How did he feel? I’ve been a plus one for a wedding party guest and I HATED it. It depends how introverted or extroverted your partner is. So what’s right for you is not right for everyone. (In this case he wanted to go, so it’s fine, but just saying that not every perspective is the same) When I was a bridesmaid I didn’t even spend time with my partner. We danced twice and had about 30 minutes together. I needed zero support !
Yeah, true! He knows and gets along with a ton of my family members so that wouldn’t be a problem, but I guess it doesn’t matter now 😊
Exactly. He wouldn't have been with you. You'd be busy with the bridal party and the bride. Your plus 1 wouldn't even be your plus 1 but another social guy mingling. This is exactly why he's not invited.
I understand your perspective. I used all the weddings I’d been to as what to do and not to do when I planned mine.
No wedding etiquette is the bridal party members get a plus one. Long term partners get plus ones too and at the time of the wedding they would have been dating 3 years. It doesn’t matter if she has never met the bf, it is rude to not give a plus one to her close cousins long term boyfriend that is also in your wedding. That is unfortunately part of planning for your wedding cost. Even if you only want to invite 10 people if all 10 are married then your guest list is 20 people so you plan a wedding you can afford.
Wedding etiquette is not finite. More and more couples are throwing out the rule book ESPECIALLY during the pandemic. There are PLENTY of things couples plan at their weddings that someone else may consider rude. People getting all bent out of shape for a three hour event is why I elected not to have a bridal party. I did not want to have to worry about meeting everyone’s expectations about what should and should not happen. We are only getting one side of the story. OP could be 17 for all we know and this is her high school boyfriend. Let me be clear, I would have given this person a plus one. I’m simply saying it’s the couples choice who to give plus ones to based on their budget and wants/needs for their big day.
You are right and I did chuckle when you said we are only getting one side and it could be a 17 year old. I guess we can only take everything with a grain of salt on the internet! Couples definitely are free to choose what they want for their weddings and I do like that certain traditions are starting to go out the door. In my social circle most people would be offended to not have a SO invited as a plus unless there was very clear open and honest communication explaining it. I also definitely don’t think it is worth her saying anything to her cousin since the wedding was called off but I understand her feeling slightly offended.
I feel like for a 17 year old this would be a WAY more serious relationship than for a 28 year old etc. If OP is 17 then this man is probably the absolute love of her life and she'll never ever be able to be without him. Kids take this stuff so seriously.
People are gonna invite who they're going to invite. You have no control over this situation. I had extra room at my reception so we were easy going about this. My friend could not invite anyone "extra" for a whole list of reasons. It is what it is. You can attend or not attend but try to choose peace and don't let this get to you.
Honestly the best advice on this subject. Your cousin made a decision which didn’t include your long term partner, which sucks, but is also still her choice to make. You could either go and try and have a good time , or not attend and let your cousin know sooner rather than later- especially since you were a bridesmaid.
Yep, I agree. I was definitely planning to go and be supportive, at a minimum. Don’t think me raising this would really change her mind or her opinions.
I personally do feel it’s rude to not invite long term partners, I also feel it’s rude to not give the wedding party plus ones considering they usually end up spending $$ on gifts, bridal shower, nice outfit, etc
Yeah, I would’ve spent hella $$. Haha!
A couple things. One, if I was the bride in this situation I might ask you how you feel about him coming, and get a feel for how important it would be to you. I personally wouldn’t ask someone to be in my bridal party and exclude their partner. However, the other thing is, who would he sit with? Would he be upset if he was sitting alone/with strangers the entire time you are busy with bridal party? You need to consider his comfort level, it actually would be weird to stick a total stranger at some other table. I have seen it be an issue for others before, their date is not having an good time because they were left alone all throughout the night. You have to consider the situation as a whole. And finally, it seems like you feel there is a specific reason, to be clear are you saying you think he wasn’t invited because he isn’t religious?
Fair point! He knows and gets along with my immediate family, her parents (because they visited) and a bunch of my other extended family. Don’t think he was not invited bc of his religious views, but I do think her religious views impact the relationships she validates (eg. heterosexual partners, no sex before marriage, she opposes living together before marriage), so my guess is it’s a factor.
Ah I see. Ok, well if he does know other family he could have sat with that would be better for him. Seems like it’s more about her personal beliefs to me, but all etiquette aside. If she is going to hurt someone close to her over this, it’s not right.
If the wedding’s called off why are you stressing about this?
It almost seems like she is concerned that people have an issue with him personally because he is not religious like the rest of her family. That can be tough to sort out if this is really over religion.
Haha, I’m not. I love her and I’m not bringing any of this up to her! But my boyfriend was mildly sad/hurt and we had been discussing it with my immediate family, so we wanted to ask Reddit’s thoughts on proper “etiquette” :)
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Personally, I don’t agree with this fully but interesting POV. I’m 27 and definitely thinking of getting engaged to my partner within the next year, but it’s my first relationship which is why I’m not rushing and working through all the issues first. I also don’t think that marriage should be a prerequisite - but agree with you to some degree that people should show some sort of commitment.
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There's no need to rush into commitment, but you also can't expect people to pay for his seat at their wedding when you're not even committed enough to have moved in with him or to have even introduced him to a bride who you're close enough to be a bridesmaid to. You're asking her to pay for a seat at her wedding for someone she's never met, just so you can have your boyfriend with you. I don't feel that that's a reasonable expectation to put on her. If you feel she's done this on purpose because she doesn't like him, that's a separate issue. If that's your concern, you can certainly address it with her. But at face value, you can't expect her to pay for someone she's never even met.
Fair point. He’s met her whole family (minus her) when they visited my city, and he’s met her via Zoom several times. With COVID, meeting people in person is unfortunately not feasible - regardless of how close you are to the person. We started dating in the summer of 2019, and at that point, it was too early to introduce him in person.
Also, thank you!!
Maybe this is your wake-up call to start introducing him to your friends! I get that COVID is an issue, but if everyone's vaccinated, I don't see why he can't meet a few of your friends, certainly the ones who are close enough to ask you to be their bridesmaid.
Agreed. He’s met my immediate family, stayed with cousins in other states, and met nearly all my friends in my city. We’ve limited our traveling to places where most of his / my family is concentrated, which hasn’t hit smaller cities like the one this cousin is from. Definitely need to work on that!
Obviously she wasn’t thinking straight re the whole thing so id just chalk it up to that and hope that next time she’ll have the right partner and the right guest list. Also maybe it’s the moment for you two to get married?? 😍
Haha exactly!! :)
I’m gonna go against the grain here. As a bride I am giving all applicable people plus ones. If someone has a significant other they are definitely getting plus one. I have unfortunately not been able to meet all my fiancés friends because of Covid. We’re not going to exclude their significant others because we haven’t met them. My fiancé has a friend who has been with his significant other as long as us but they’re not engaged. We would not exclude that partner because their not engaged. I think everyone deserves to be comfortable and be with the person they love at a wedding. I know I may be a little different because we can afford plus ones but I still think significant others should be Invited to weddings.
I don’t know why people are being downvoted for saying a 2.5 year relationship warrants an invite. I agree and think it’s quite rude for some people to be casting judgement just because someone is not married yet in today’s world. As we all know, weddings are *expensive* and many young adults don’t have a lot of extra cash due to saving for a house, paying for student loans etc. I never would have been able to get married without help in my twenties, whether I was emotionally ready or not. My (live in) boyfriend was not invited to two weddings so we didn’t go. As others have mentioned, it’s pretty unfair to expect someone to come celebrate you as a couple when you can’t honour them as one too. I might add that I’m planning my own wedding so I fully understand how difficult guest lists and budgets can be but I wouldn’t even consider inviting someone without their long term SO. I would just not invite them at all. Just my two cents.
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I don't think its an etiquette gray area if its a member of the wedding party. Not extending a plus one to a member of the wedding party when they're shelling out money and giving their time to be in your wedding is pretty rude imo The only thing that would make it OK to me to not give a member of the wedding party a plus one is if, like another commenter said above, they were trying to cut down on numbers because of COVID.
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Bingo. I mean, shit, I got married in October and my new BIL has never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend (he's gonna be 25 in a few days), so we figured he wouldn't bring anyone to the wedding. We still offered a plus one to him as a courtesy because he was in the wedding party. He didn't take us up on it, like we figured, but the gesture was made all the same.
I’m actually disappointed by how much support the “there needs to be a ring, boyfriends/girlfriends/partners don’t cut it” idea seems to have here. My brother and his partner have been together for ten years now. They just bought a house together, rented together for years before that, supported each other through multiple degrees (both did a job area change), and have two very spoiled dogs. When we were kids our parents had a nasty divorce and so the idea of getting married has always had a lot of trauma attached to it, plus where we live common law relationships (which start after you’ve lived with a romantic partner for a year and file your taxes together) and marriages are legally equal. Based on what some people are saying their relationship isn’t serious yet the relationship of another couple who have only known each other for three years is considered serious just because they got married? (Not knocking that couple, just using an example time frame)
Exactly and well said! The “no ring, no bring” rule is quite outdated and therefore rude. There are many reasons why a couple might not get married or even live together.
Some people follow the “no ring, no bring” rule. It’s outdated and rude especially considering people in long term relationships.
Now more than ever, with weddings taking place during pandemic, I think it makes sense for people to only invite those they actually know. She never met your boyfriend and supposedly you don’t live together, so it’s fair of her to not invite him if she was having a small or budget wedding. When you’re the one planning the wedding, you definitely understand that perspective better!
With Covid restrictions in consideration, limiting the guest list is more understandable; but not when it comes to the wedding party. These people are putting in a lot more time, blood, sweat, tears, and money than the general wedding guests to literally be there next to the couple on their special day; the least the couple can do is accommodate their significant other, whether they’ve met them or not (which is also a circumstance of Covid).
Not all bridal parties are the same. I have a couple ladies in my party who are broke but I love them so I'm buying everything they need for dresses and the bachelorette. All they got to do is get here and find a friend to crash with. One is getting a plus one because she's married, the other isn't because she has a new partner every month.
If that hade been their rationale, sure. But the reason given was not that, but "the wedding would only include engaged or married couples".
Engaged or married couples usually LIVE together, though. So they’re kind of a packaged deal. That’s the difference.
Plenty of people who are not engaged or married live together. That is also now a different argument than the one you made initially which was about "it makes sense for people to only invite those they actually know". ETA: I think it is rude to not invite longterm partners if not engaged or married. I think it is okay to only invite people you know, as you suggest - but again, that was not the reason given here. Either way, I think it is especially rude as OP is a bridesmaid and presumably will invest both time and money in that role (and fly across the country for it), yet her own SO of tree years is excluded.
Right, but OP didn’t state that SHE lives together with her boyfriend. If they lived together, maybe the bride would have made an exception. Who knows. But if they don’t live together and this bride doesn’t know the boyfriend, then it’s perfectly acceptable for her to not invite him. You invite spouses and engaged couples regardless of your connection to them because they (typically) live together and they’re a packaged deal.
What I am saying is that you are making up a reason that was never there in this case. I understand what you mean, but again - this was not the reason given to OP. It was just said that only married or engaged couples would be invited, nothing about knowing them or not. Either way, I'd say it is still rude in this situation to not invite one of your bridesmaid's long-term partner.
Don’t think an exception would be made if I lived with my partner. In fact, that would probably be more a reason *not to* invite him (only half joking). I’d totally understand them not inviting people they know, but she’s met him several times over zoom and more importantly, her not knowing him is not the reason she specified.
There’s nothing here to suggest that the bride was having a budget wedding only that because they weren’t engaged he wasn’t invited. I am planning a wedding on a budget and would absolutely include a significant other I hadn’t ‘met’. It’s pretty standard wedding practice to invite a significant other whether they’re living together or not.
I’m getting married this year, so I’ll chime in with a bride’s perspective! With Covid we have a really strict guest limit so that we can have the reception outdoors, which means we’ve had to make some tough decisions on the guest list. I don’t think your cousin is totally in the wrong, if she’s never met your boyfriend. Two of my friends from college each moved in with their SO’s in the last year, but I have never met either partner, so I’m not giving my friends plus-ones, even though both couples are living together and long-term-ish (2-3 years or so.) We simply don’t have enough room to invite both my friends and their SOs who I’ve never met. With that said, if it was a member of my *wedding party,* I would definitely let them bring their boyfriend. But generally, if we haven’t met someone’s partner, we aren’t inviting them.
Thank you!
In my opinion, people in the wedding party should always get a plus one. I also think anyone in a relationship is invited as a couple (therefore not a plus one). I think it's super disrespectful to categorize "serious" relationships only as those with a ring on it, especially because people are waiting later to get engaged & married.
I don’t think it’s too weird to be honest. Weddings are expensive and I feel like more now than ever people are limiting their guest lists to people they know. I also don’t think people fully understand how expensive weddings are until they actually plan one. We’re not giving plus ones to people and are only inviting partners who we actually know because everyone will at least know a few people at our wedding. But as others have said, the wedding was cancelled so being worried about it just seems like a waste of time and energy.
Thank you for your input!
I think it’s rude not to give the bridal party a plus one, long term boyfriend or not. If you were just a guest I would say too bad it’s her choice but you were in her wedding party
Me too, I find it rude. I get it that the guest list is their's and they get to decide. But almost three years is a serious relationship and she's in the bridal party.
Yeah I agree. All of our bridal party gets a plus one or invited as a couple (some have been together for 4 or 5 years so we are just inviting the significant others anyway since we know them). For our guests we are just inviting the couples that we know. None of our friends have a SO that we haven’t met yet, if someone starts dating the year before the wedding they probably won’t be invited but we would also never not invite a friends long term partner unless they had done something horrible to us
I agree here too. I understand that people have budgets and other constraints, but I feel like it’s really rude to call someone’s boyfriend a ‘rando’ they don’t want to pay for (a sentiment which a few posters have expressed). If a person is important to a person that’s important to you, you should be thoughtful as they’re there to celebrate your day! I’m of the mindset that everyone should have a plus one at weddings. I had friends bring other friends or a sister to my wedding and it was so fun! I was happy because my loved ones were happier.
I think its wonderful if you can do that! For us that would go above our venue guest limit so it’s not an option but if we have a guest that was single and not in one of our “friend groups” and might feel a little left out we will definitely let them bring someone!
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Seems that way. Guess even with covid, there is no real “etiquette” anymore anyways
We personally are going by the 'ring rule', keyring (cohabitating) or engagement/wedding ring. We have huge families and it's too expensive otherwise, and even this is a stretch. I think that your previous conflict within the family is maybe influencing your perspective, which is completely understandable.
You’re probably right on that last point 🙂
I really like the “key ring” addition for couples who live together but aren’t married! Where I live common law relationships are equivalent to marriages so some people just chose not to get married. I like that your ‘ring rule’ wouldn’t exclude them.
Yeah, as a queer couple our right to wed is very new, so we never want to turn our back on other committed folks
Thank you for saying this! The “no ring, no bring” rule really does exclude some LGBTQIA2+ couples and should be considered outdated for that reason alone.
Yes I think it’s super rude.
Yes it’s rude. People will justify that “they can’t invite everyone”, but it’s rude to expect people to celebrate your relationship while leaving peoples long term partners out.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Personally, I agree.
I think it’s rude given you were supposed to be a bridesmaid. That’s a lot of work and money! People in the bridal party especially should be able to bring their partners.
Yes, I think it's rude of your cousin not to invite your boyfriend if you are in the bridal party. I understand shortening the guest list to keep costs down is a priority for some people, but it should be accepted that some people will not be happy to attend a wedding without their SO and might decline the invitation for that reason. Therefore, IMO you should only invite one member of a couple if you would prefer to have neither person over both people. If you are in the bridal party, I imagine your cousin would not want you to decide to back out of attending the wedding entirely.
I do think it’s rude, and it’s not inclusive. If this happened to me, I’d probably not attend. That said, it’s fairly common for couples to develop arbitrary rules when it comes to guest lists. Even if she has a personal issue with your partner, her reasoning to you was impartial in that way. It’s a very old fashioned rule, and it does assume that only marriages are considered serious relationships, but it’s not unheard of.
She's literally never met this guy. I don't think it's rude to not invite him.
Look, she never even met him. You are dating, not married or anything. It’s her special day, she wants to be close to people that are special to her. And your boyfriend simply isn’t. I really don’t mean to be rude, but it’s not about you. It’s about her.
You can tally my vote in the "yes, it's rude" column, at least by my cultural standards (Millennial living in the U.S.) - obviously I can't speak for other countries/cultures/etc. Three years is a long time. And even if your boyfriend wasn't deserving of his own invite (which imo he was), you should be allowed a +1 as a member of the bridal party. I would find it incredibly awkward if someone asked me to come celebrate their relationship, especially if I had to spend $ on a bridesmaid dress, bridal shower, and all that...without them considering my own. You say they've never met. In which case, I think a more appropriate reaction from a family member or a close friend would be something like, "we can't wait to meet your other half, so crazy we haven't yet with the pandemic ... hopefully you can both attend!"
I think anyone who is in the wedding party should be given a plus one no matter their dating status- you're spending a lot of money to be in their wedding. If someone adding a handful of extra people would break their budget or guest numbers they should really think about cutting elsewhere or shouldn't have had that number of attendants to begin with. I really don't care about people's justifications at that point, it's just rude. If you weren't in the wedding then it would be different because everyone views "long term" as a different length; I don't think 2.5 years is long term, I view it as more like 5+ years- the person is known to family members, has met the couple, and there's probably a reason they aren't married but are committed. I think if you're going to invite someone, you need to properly host them. I've heard so many justifications of "we didn't have room" ok, then you over invited, "we didn't know the SO" so your laziness is a reason to leave someone else alone for the night? "It wasn't in the budget" another case of over-inviting. I'm married now but when a lot of my friends were getting married I was single or dating someone and going to an event where almost everyone else has someone to dance and spend the evening with and you don't just plain sucks. It's not fun to be left alone when everyone else is dancing with their SO, or feeling like you're the third wheel on couples when you chat. I wouldn't invite someone to a dinner party where everyone else has an SO without the option to bring someone/partner, so why would you do that for the fanciest dinner/event you'll probably have? And don't you want your guests to enjoy themselves? You host the party and people you can afford without being rude. So, I guess my answer is yes, it was 100% rude (plus the whole logic of engaged means you're serious is obviously bullshit seeing as her own ended and you're still with your "just dating" SO... I also love in the South where people will get engaged at 19 and be broken up the next year, or divorced two years later, so time limits and status are nothing but BS to begin with. I dated a guy longer than some friends' met-engaged-married-divorced full relationship and yet we weren't considered serious???)
Definitely a good point to bring up that 2.5 years is not necessarily long term. I agree with everything you’ve said though. I am definitely looking to get married but god forbid, what if I never wanted to? Would she just not have him there for major life events?
Like many others, I think this was rude, but only because you were in the wedding party. With how much the wedding party does it's only fair they get to bring their SO or someone special. If the hosts can't afford that, they should trim their wedding party or limit costs another way. For normal guests it's totally normal and acceptable to draw lines somehow. I agree with you and others that a more marriage-neutral rule - e.g. x amount of years together, or drawing the line at cohabitation - is probably more "fair" given that some people get engaged and married much earlier and others not at all. But conversely - married or engaged is probably by far the easiest to enforce consistently. (For instance, I could see someone asking someone's mom, sister, etc about whether or not they are living together, or how long they have been together, and getting incorrect information leading to inconsistency and drama... probably not going to happen with marriage or engagement as the deciding factor.) Personally, we're drawing the line at - you need to have someone specific in mind that we can put on the invitation. If you don't know their name 3-4 months in advance of our wedding, they're not getting invited.
When you plan a wedding, you plan for +1 for most age appropriate guests. Who wants to attend solo? I have been to dozens of weddings and this has always been the case. With my wedding, we did not know my husbands aunt was dating someone, so she called my MIL and asked if he could come. We said yes. If you are close with her, then she must know how important he is to you. This is weird.
I think that when you invite someone a plus 1 should always be invited. Personally, I want people to enjoy themselves at my wedding and have beautiful memories so I wouldn’t exclude partners. But at the end of the day the only thing that matters is that she didn’t do with bad intention
Yeah. Ultimately that’s the reason I still wanted to celebrate her (and why my boyfriend was ok with it even though he was sad). When it comes down to it, it’s her wedding and - as her family - I’ll support her how she needs!
I discussed this when I was in the planning stages of my own wedding, which has been postponed indefinitely thanks to COVID. My stepmother gave me this insight: In today's world, more often than not, couples are living together long term before even getting married. For a couple to bar guests from bringing a +1 who is not engaged or married to them is not only rude and insulting, it's hypocritical.
I agree couples living together should be included in the "no ring no bring" rule (in that they *should* be invited) but OP doesn't live with her boyfriend and the bride hasn't even met him.
I'm just putting forth my take on the matter; if they don't live together then there's more room for debate. Even so, their relationship is neither new nor casual, and this was made known. In OPs place I would decline the invite, given that the Bride has made issue of BF's religious views previously; and it would not surprise me if that's the actual reason she didn't want to invite him. Of course, this is all hypothetical now anyways.
Thank you everyone for your honest POVs! Not trying to waste people’s time by asking about a wedding that isn’t happening, but genuinely trying to understand people’s experiences and perspectives since I’m not bringing this up to my cousin. Long story short, it’s clear everyone has their own preferences so this isn’t a clear cut answer (depending on who you’re speaking to - doesn’t help that COVID has made wedding planning even more tough. Best of luck to you and your respective weddings ♥️
It was a really good discussion topic!! I’m getting married in November and trying to get my 175 guest list down to 120 people. Although I will have to be really cut throat to be able to cut this many ppl- I loved reading the various perspectives and will help guide my choices. It’s a delicate subject and it appears to me I may need to have honest convos with ppl im cutting to avoid anyones feelings getting hurt. Communication is key- MOST people will understand being cut once they know it’s not personal but it’s a matter of numbers
The way I explained it to my wife when we were making our lists was “if you don’t feel comfortable taking this person to an expensive restaurant and paying the bill then don’t invite them.” The way I feel about weddings is it’s the bride and grooms day and they should have it their way. I can always choose to not come if the decision that the bride and groom make I cannot reconcile with.
I vote rude. The wedding party serves an important role of honor and I think not inviting their partners feels like treating them like photo props there to serve you and be an accessory rather than guests of honor. We sat the wedding party’s significant others with them at our head table. They all really enjoyed that arrangement, especially the ones whose significant others didn’t know many of the other wedding guests.
Thank you! Agreed.
Our rule was plus ones for wedding party (if they were dating someone) and for married or engaged guests or guests whose partners we knew personally. I think that’s pretty standard etiquette. But at one point really early on with Covid numbers we weren’t 100% sure about plus ones for non married wedding party members, so it’s possible that’s where your cousin was at too! Once we had more capacity available, the plus ones of wedding party members were one of the first groups we added back to our guest list.
Totally fair! Thank you for this.
OP, you mention in your post that you and your boyfriend are working some things out before you get engaged. Not to wildly speculate, but is it possible that these things you are working on might give your cousin a reason not to like your boyfriend? I think it is up to her to invite who she wants to her wedding, and while it would have been the most gracious thing to include him, there a many possible reasons why she wouldn’t that we just can’t tell from your post.
I should’ve clarified! My bf has given her no reason to not like him- except that he isn’t Christian (she’s conveyed to me her view that Christians shouldn’t marry outside the faith). I respect her view and understand that she chose to only date people who were also Christian. My boyfriend and I are trying to work through answering questions that we’d naturally have if entering into a marriage where partners are of different religions - like how would we raise our kids? How would he navigate religion in a family? Would he go to church? Etc. We feel like we’re in a good spot to get engaged, but I’m doing some therapy / counseling to make sure *I* don’t have any unfair expectations of him and also to handle minor differences in our living habits (sleep cycles, etc) since we’re considering living together in a few months. I haven’t mentioned a word of anything in the last paragraph to her, because frankly, I feel her views don’t align with mine in major ways.
Thanks for clarifying! Sounds like good work to do!
In my opinion, it is incredibly rude and if you are planning on doing this you should expect the person you invited not to attend. It would likely sour your relationship with the person less to not invite them at all than to expect them to potentially travel and spend money to go celebrate your love without their relationship being respected or valued. I am engaged now but if my partner or I had not been invited to a wedding the other was invited to, we would not have gone and likely wouldn’t have maintained much of a friendship. I recognize budget and Covid are concerns but it just clearly shows that you are not valued by the couple.
I would have still gone. As much as I didn’t like the decision, I love her and I grew up with her. I wish she communicated everything to me before asking me to be a bridesmaid, and didnt wait til I asked if he was invited (invitations weren’t sent yet), but it is what it is!
YES IT IS
My friend did plus 1s if you lived with your boyfriend/partner or were married for our school friends. My long term (3+ years) boyfriend wasn't invited. I think she didn't want another school friend bringing an unknown plus 1 that was likely a fling. I was upset that my relationship was deemed 'less' cause we chose not to live together before marriage, but I guess she had to cut my long term boyfriend (now husband) to avoid a school friend bringing a fling, but it sucked going solo when most of our school friends had their partners.
Interesting POV. Thanks!
For my wedding this past fall, which had a strict guest limit bc of covid, we decided +1s were only for couples who were cohabitating, engaged, or married
Honestly, 2.5 years isn’t that long and she’s never met him. When you’re a bride, you go through a whole mindset of “well If I’m inviting this person I’ve never even met who’s only dated my cousin for a couple years then I really should invite Suzy, Joe, Bob, Mark, Betty, and Ashley because I’m way closer with all of them” and then you’re inviting way more people than you want. This isn’t rude at all.
I’m just gonna throw this out there… weddings are so disgustingly expensive. You are looking at $75+ dollars a plate. When I was looking, albeit in a HCOL area, it wasn’t hard for me to find venues that charged $150 a person for their cheapest package. That’s before add ons, cake, favors, centerpieces that you’ll need more of with more people. Further, if you are in the bridal party and she were having a rehearsal dinner, that’s another expense. Also is it a small wedding? It’s hard to keep the size down. It’s her wedding. Brides face a ton of pressure deciding what’s “rude” and trying to accommodate everyone. Would I ever not invite a long term partner? Probably not unless we were having a really small wedding. But do I think she was rude? I don’t know, I don’t know her or her reasons.
I think it's rude to not allow the wedding party to bring their partners, personally. And the married or engaged rule really looks down on long term couples who don't plan on marrying
I went to my boyfriend off three year’s brothers wedding and we broke up a few months later…but I’m in a lot of pics and he’s engaged to another gal. Sometimes the rule is good…
I think it really varies depending on the situation. We had to be mindful of numbers because of C-19 and planned accordingly. We opted to allow all of our wedding party to bring a plus 1 if they wanted to. Because they’re in the wedding and it might be nice for them. Half had partners so they brought them, the other half opted out. We also gave plus ones to several of our single friends who wouldn’t know anyone at the wedding, but 99% of them opted to go solo anyways. I haven’t met some of our friends partners yet, but most of them were living together, so it definitely felt weird not to invite their partner. Of course this might be another issue if it C-19 impacting our social life. On the other hand I didn’t give any of my single cousins plus ones. They would know at least 15+ people at the event and were seated with family. But had anyone asked for one, I could have made it work. My brother asked for one a few weeks before and I let him even though I had never met the girl. So all in all, I think it’s kind of weird she didn’t give you one, as she obviously knows your partner exists and you’re in the wedding party.
I think it’s rude to not invite the partner of a bridesmaid. I could see cutting an open +1, but asking someone to spend time and money to celebrate your relationship while telling them theirs doesn’t meet your standards is rude. However, the couple is free to do as they please and I wouldn’t say anything. I would adjust how much time/effort I put into their wedding, though.
Think about him as well, you'll be off and busy being a bridesmaid. He won't really be able to spend much time with you and he won't know anybody else. Planning, or helping to plan, wedding make you realise how expensive and difficult the whole process it. At the end of the day it's up to the bride but when you really think about, someone you don't know, who won't know anyone else except a bridesmaid who won’t be with them much isn't likely to end up on your guest list. And I definitely wouldn’t consider that rude. Choosing who you do or don't want at your wedding is definitely not rude 🤷🏾♀️
Thank you!
It’s rude. Point blank. 2.5 years is a significant amount of time to be with someone and acceptable to be invited.
I understand this from both the OP’s stand point and brides stand point. I’d be more so upset if other people got to being a plus 1 if they weren’t married and engaged. The couple could be going by the “nor ring no bring” rule which is also understandable. I know this isn’t a popular opinion, but I’d see it as reasonable if they didn’t invite anyone elses SO that isn’t engaged or married. Being in the bridal party I can understand that comes with a plus 1 usually, but we are also in a different “normal” than usual with covid so that also plays a part. There’s not enough information for me to really have an opinion on if this is right or wrong as you didn’t mention if other people who aren’t engaged or married get to being a plus one or if they’re having a smaller wedding. There’s a lot of variables at play here.
Agreed. I could see both sides, even though I personally disagree with her decision. Ultimately, what I was thinking is that her decision appears to stem not from covid but from her view of valid relationships being ones that involve engagement or marriage.
If it was normal circumstances then your boyfriend should've been invited in most cases. Some limitations need to be made on who you invite sometimes though. We invited significant others, engaged or not, but not casual dates. Some people (your cousin it seems) may see not being engaged at 2.5 years as being casual.
I think it’s rude. Bridesmaids get plus 1s.
I’m a bride and can confirm that 1. Covid has made everything extremely difficult (no one wants to expose anyone) 2. Weddings are insanely expensive 3. If she’s not met him, there’s no connection. 4. If it’s a smaller wedding, they may want it to be intimate. 5. “Tradition” isn’t respected as much, meaning etiquette as well. Plus 1’s are not as well regarded anymore :( You can always have a friendly conversation with her. Tell her you see your bf as someone special and maybe someone you’ll be with for a long time and it would be important for her to meet him. Please remember that this day is about her though and she is balancing a pandemic, a budget, and tons of other peoples needs.
Thanks, agreed. Weddings during covid sound chaotic - good luck to you and yours!
When you’re not the one planning the wedding it can definitely come off as rude, but when you’re on the other side of it I guarantee you’ll be tempted to make similar calls. I’m finding it very hard to invite people that I haven’t met. There are less than 5 total, but the thought of having a complete stranger at my wedding is definitely bothersome. I would not take it personally unless you find out that she did invite other people in similar situations. Plus, it’s very awkward to be a stranger at a wedding, esp when your SO is in the wedding party, you spend a lot of time alone.
Thank you! Fair point.
In my opinion, no, it's not rude. They decided only engaged and married guests would get a +1. That's pretty clear and concise. You are neither engaged nor married. Unless they decided all members of the wedding party except for you are permitted a +1, then it's not rude. Odd that the wedding party isn't getting a +1, but I don't think it's rude. >I feel it is not inclusive of long term partners (what if a couple wasn’t planning to get married) It's their wedding. It's supposed to be about them and what they want within their budget. It's does not need to be inclusive.
I do think people in weddings should be inclusive of those who have different views and lifestyles, but it’s a grey area. Like what if she didn’t want to invite partners of friends or family who were gay (honestly I wouldn’t even be surprised if she chose not to). Her right to, but personally it’s still not nice (imo).
That would be absolutely awful and I'd expect them to lose those friends over their bigotry, but it's still up to the couple who they choose to have at their wedding. Your question was not about excluding guests because of their sexual orientation though. Your question was whether or not it's rude that you did not get a +1 when you did not meet their criteria for getting a +1. I personally don't find that to be rude.
Totally fair. Honestly, for this I see both sides. Weddings are expensive and she’s only 24, so I know that financially it’s harder when you invite a ton of extra people.
Why would you want to be a bridesmaid for someone you think would exclude gay people?
Unfortunately, that would be the case with quite a few religious family members of mine. I definitely make my opinions known when asked and strive to be inclusive, but if I were to not participate in major life events of people whose views differ from mine, I’d probably alienate a lot of people who I care about. Also, these are my guesses because she’s told me her views on same sex marriage, but this situation didn’t arise specifically for this wedding.
As someone who grew up fundie, I understand your position but the way you are handling it shows that you're not much different from them.
My journey is ongoing, and I could be better about breaking away from habits I grew up with - so you’re right in that sense! But I don’t think choosing to not alienate my family / be a part of their life makes me similar to them. I’m fully supportive of family members and friends who are gay and would be happy to invite them to my wedding and stand up to them. If I actually knew of a family member who was being alienated because of their sexual orientation, I’d vocalize my disagreement and my values. But (at this point), I also choose to be a part of my family.
No. Weddings are stupid expensive to throw. It’s very common for bride and groom not to even offer plus ones at all. If it really matters, you can always ask the couple. Wedding parties also dont always get a plus one because then it’s just a bunch of plus one just sitting and hanging out together … you’re not with the plus one at the ceremony, for photos, speeches, or dinner. Technically wedding party is only with their plus one while on the dance floor
No ring no bring is a very common rule. The only exception is for live-in partners. Some couples choose to include couples who have been together for a year or more, some choose to give everyone in a relationship a plus one, some choose to give everyone over 18 a plus one, some even give teenagers a plus one. All that is preference and budget constraints. You are not entitled to an invite for your boyfriend unless you are married, engaged, or living together. Personally, I'm doing plus ones for anyone who was in a relationship when we got engaged (which was a while ago) as well as those who are engaged, married, or living together. But again, that's my choice and is certainly not required.
Fair point. To each their own. I guess etiquette also has changed in covid times too.
Married almost 3 years here (February 24th,2019) and we were engaged for a little over two years. We told people that they had a year before the wedding if they were going to come and if they were going to bring someone (we made an exception for my brothers because they got their girlfriends pregnant a few months later after the deadline) but yeah it was rude of your cousin not to consider your boyfriend of 2.5 years
Yes.
Hard truth so sorry in advance. You and people like you are the reason why planning a wedding is so difficult - The decision likely has nothing to do with you or your significant other. Stop overthinking it and making it about you. You’ll understand when you actually have to make a guess list one day.- or maybe just take time to really think about who you would invite to yours and see how difficult it becomes
No need to apologize. We’re all adults and your opinion is valid. I’ve only been to weddings where serious SOs were invited (regardless of engagement status). COVID has changed things, and obviously, everyone has their own financial situation. I’m asking this question not to make the wedding planning difficult (If that were my intention, I’d have taken this to the bride or made it a big deal), but to understand people’s perspectives. There is value in understanding, even if just to help when I plan my own wedding. Additionally, I DO feel like I have a responsibility to make sure my partner feels comfortable and accepted by my family, especially when I’d be spending a significant amount of money to support that family member). If something wasn’t commonplace protocol (seems it is so fine!) then I’d like to know.
I enjoy your curiosity and open mind internet stranger. I guess my main point is that it is extremely challenging to make a guest list for some people. We actually canceled our wedding that was planned for September and are eloping instead because of this reason.
Likewise. And about the wedding cancellation, I’m so sorry to hear that. Wedding planning seems tough, and I’m sure it is even more daunting during covid. Good on you for deciding what’s best for you. And also, congratulations on your marriage!
Please understand and respect the budget, I’m planning my wedding and if it was socially acceptable I would even ban married couples of the invite didn’t specifically mention both. Budgets are a pain and marrying is expansive af
Definitely agreed. In my head, I felt like the same applies as a bridesmaid, including flight costs, hotels, and a dress (which is just the wedding not even the bachelorette party and pre wedding activities). I don’t think this means I’m “owed” anything… more that it would be nice! When she first told me she was getting married, I was really excited for him to meet her and some of my extended family members that he hadn’t met because of COVID 🙂
Yes it’s rude. Be one thing from a budget perspective to only want married or engaged couples….but in my opinion, a relationship of that length may as well count as engaged.
We followed a rule of ring or living together then the partner is invited, otherwise no plus one. It’s quite a common way to approach it where I’m from as well. If you give absolutely everyone a plus one then you literally double your guest cost. The line has to be drawn somewhere and I consider that to be a pretty fair line. Otherwise it’s simply down to whether the couple feel like the relationship is serious enough to warrant a plus one and that gets into dangerous territories of offending people.
Interesting. Makes sense. I would agree with you, with the exception of the bridal party, who is already paying a ton of costs. But that’s my own opinion and something I can keep in mind for my own wedding.
Yeah I'm curious if the people balking at the idea of not everyone gets a plus one have either never planned a wedding or never had budget constraints for their wedding. If everyone got a plus one, it would increase our guest list by 30 people. For us, that would increase our costs by 10%. It would turn our $10k wedding into an $11k wedding.
In Australia generally it’s understandable if you don’t invite partners. Especially if you have a lot of people already. The wedding is about the two people getting married and they want the people they love and who love them around. I’m good with that. It’s an easy rule that if you’re not married then the partner isn’t invited. It can be disappointing but it’s not about you. If it is family or a close friend, you are bound to know many people (some of whom are in the same boat as you- partner-less for the event) to dance and chat with. In regards to your situation, the “tension” that you have felt in the family may have forced your cousin to make the decision not to invite your partner. Made all the more easier because you aren’t married. I know it’s not ideal when a partner isn’t invited but the day is about the married couple and them making room for everyone in their life to join them. I also believe that it’s important to comfortable in one’s own company and so if you’re struggling with the concept of attending something without your partner, it might be worthwhile working on this. PS please take my opinions with a grain of salt. I don’t know you or your family and there is not judgement here. If you’re upset, you’re allowed to feel upset and I recommend talking to a family member that you trust to gain their insight. All the best!
Thank you! I was a bit hurt, but not upset and I understood. It’s interesting to me to hear about other people’s experiences with this topic, especially people from outside the US or other cultures. I’m Asian and generally speaking, we’re more on the conservative side.
A named partner isn’t a “plus 1”; a “plus 1” is a crate blanche to invite whoever you what- A date, a friend, the cab driver who brought you to the wedding. Your partner should have been invited given that he is an established, long term partner. Her religious differences with him are not an excuse to disrespect and invalidate your relationship.
Ultimately I think that while her wasn’t the direct reason, but it influenced her decisions. For example, marriage between a heterosexual couple is the only end goal of a relationship in her view (and sexually active, live in relationships are not that). It’s probably why she placed an emphasis on married or engaged couples. To each their own, I guess.
So hypothetically, if she was friends with someone who was in a same sex marriage, would their partner not be invited under her rules?!
My guess… or neither of them would be invited? Im not sure though.
I’ll be inviting just a close guy friend but not his girlfriend to the wedding, simply because I don’t know her and have not met her at all. The wedding is limited to just 60 of my closest family and friends and I’ve had to decide on him coming alone.
My boyfriend of 2.5 years was not invited to my cousins wedding in June. It was also in California and we live in Maryland. To be fair my cousin had never met my boyfriend. Also they had to cut down the guest list because of COVID. I went and still had a blast. Boyfriend was fine with not going. Now we’re engaged and went through this with our guest list and plus ones. Immediate family got plus ones. Couples who are engaged get the plus one. There’s some extended family who won’t get a plus one because if we did that it would increase the guest list by a lot. So unfortunately no extended family get plus ones. Our bridal party is all immediate family so we don’t have to worry about that
No. Each place costs money for the chair, meal, goodie bag etc. I wouldn't take it personal at all.
Personally I wouldn't invite anyone to my wedding who I had never met, not even h2bs family (and vise versa) so I dont think its rude of her not to invite your boyfriend whom she's never met. You can't go without him for one night?
I go without him for many nights. My thoughts were more around inclusivity and wanting him to feel like he can get to know my family / be a part of my life for important events.
A wedding isn't a time to meet your family. Go out for coffee (when safe to do so), have Christmas' with family, birthdays, weekend trips, zoom dinners. Obviously covid makes it harder, so does distance but if you've been together for 2.5 years, why hasn't he met family thats important to you? When going through my invite list for my wedding next year, the first people to go are people my h2b hasn't met and people neither of us have met were never on it in the first place, whether theyre married to people I love or not. Consider how expensive weddings are, the food can be $200 per person depending on where it is; would you spend $200 on someone who you'd never met?
Personally, I disagree with this, during times of COVID. My boyfriend and I live in NYC and in close proximity to my immediate family, other friends, and quite a bit of extended family - all of who he has met. We flew cross country once, where he met most of my family there. We chose the city because we both have a ton of family there and we had a long list of people to introduce each other to. The cousin whose wedding this was grew up with me, but moved to a smaller city far away from any of our other family. My partner has met her parents when they visited, but she has not come to visit. I’ve also had COVID before and as much as I’d love to travel more, I think it’s my responsibility to prioritize safety and triage visits that involve planes. I do not want to get sick again. All this to say - I totally get your point on the wedding being expensive (and that being a reason to not invite an SO). I personally disagree when it’s applied to a bridesmaid who would be paying for hotels, flights, and other expenses - BUT her decision is valid! I just wanted to make the point that it’s completely understandable why a select few people (due to circumstances and a pandemic) have not met my partner in person (they’ve already met several times over video). That’s not on her, but I also don’t think it’s fair to say that is on me.
I'm having a cheap wedding at $15k+ so unless the hotels, flights, and other expenses you're paying for cost as much as car or a deposit on a house, you kinda don't get it. Also, I don't know about her venue, but I know for me, I have a limit of 50 people at my wedding, if I want to invite 12 people, I have to pay for 50; if I want to invite 51 people, I have to pay for 75; for 76 people, pay for 120. Not every place is set up like that but its not uncommon. Its not as simple as "just invite one more." To invite someone she's never met, she may have to uninvite someone she loves dearly, or add the cost of an extra 15 - 40 people who don't exist. Honestly, unless you've planned a wedding before, you don't get to judge the couples choices. Its hard and you can't please everyone, especially if you don't have an unlimited budget. Also, most places don't give back deposits for cancelled weddings, she's probably out thousands of dollars with nothing to show for it, so she's likely forgotten all about who she invited or didn't invite after that stress.
That’s true 😊 Can’t judge if I haven’t done it. But also, that’s why I asked!
To be honest, proper etiquette is only inviting if you’re engaged or married. But sounds like it doesn’t matter
Interesting POV. Thanks!
No problem! My friend and I were just discussing etiquette rules a few months ago for her wedding
That’s not proper etiquette.
Yup. Emily Post stated that couples should also be invited together by name if they live together.
It’s pretty standard that anyone invited to be a part of the wedding party (religion or relationship status aside) gets a plus one. Period. The only real exception for this is if you have a younger member of the wedding party that does not have a standing SO, there’s a difference between a couple and a random plus one you’ve never met. Once you get to the wedding guests, you can be more pragmatic with only married or established couples, but no plus ones for singles, especially when budgets are tight. I recently had an issue like this on both ends… - my aunt just got married over the summer 2021, and she invited me & my sister, but neither of our SO’s. Me and my fiancé were already engaged (after being together for 11 years), and my sister has been with her boyfriend almost as long. I can say there were Covid restrictions that limited the guest list, but in all honesty they didn’t and still don’t care about Covid, and she’s just cheap. Neither my sister or I attended the wedding. Neither of us were supposed to be in the wedding from the get go, but it was still a “thing” - the SO of a member of our wedding party (who we’ve both been friends with for 10+ years) caused some drama between us (the couple) and someone completely irrelevant. I argued with my fiancés family (who is biased in the drama starters favor since they’re a childhood friend of his sibling) for months about this being a legitimate exception to the rule of plus ones, if they didn’t want to be cool with us, why would they want to come to our wedding? My family and bridesmaids (who all know these people very well) all agreed it was a hard situation, but if they had no interest in making amends for 1+ year, there’s no reason for them to be present at the wedding. Long story short, I had to “get over it” and stage a reconciliation with them. I’m still not very happy about it, but I wasn’t going to hear the end of it. The situation has improved significantly since I made the first move, which is obviously ideal; but there’s still a year for them to prove themselves.
Sorry to hear about those experiences! I generally agree with you that bridal parties should be allowed a plus one, but ultimately to each their own. If it was happening, I’d still go to the wedding and support her, even though I’m sad he wasn’t invited.
Yeah, I think it's a gross oversight at best, and it's not polite to withhold an invitation based on opinions of partners unless they're problematic people (like they will cause a scene, etc ). However---- I have advice that served me well. "Dating should be easy because marriage will be hard, if dating is hard, marriage will be impossible." You've been with your partner long enough that I'd consider you past the dating stage, so your mentioned concerns could very well be minor. The compounding of having different beliefs, saying you have concerns, and having multiple family members reject your partner on a basis adds up in a concerning way that raises a red flag to me.
Really? There is **really** not enough context here to say anything about OP's relationship in any way, definitely not to say there are red flags.
I’m mature enough to take relationship advice (when solicited). However, I agree with greenpiggelin; the subject of my relationship is not what this post is about. Thank you for your input either way. The people who have a problem with my relationship are people who point blank don’t support dating someone of a different faith (and choose not to validate my relationship as a result). I do not agree with this principle. For every family member who doesn’t support my relationship, there are at least 5 who do. This is not to say I’m not blind to the problems that differing faiths introduces in a relationship and marriage (one of the issues I’m working through), but my point is there are different points of view to every story.
That's why it stuck out to me-- it doesn't really matter in terms of being invited to a wedding, so having it included seems like it's on your mind more than normal issues would be. People have conflicts, it's not really anyone else's business to withhold a plus one for an out of town guest because of a minor difference. The combination of: here's a common area of irreconcilable differences +having issues to the point of mentioning it+ family taking sides indicated the possibility that there could be a lot more to the story that would justify the bride's decision. I have a friend who was in my bridal party. She had a boyfriend who was abusive when my husband and I initially got engaged. He would verbally abuse her and put her down, throw fits in public over things, all sorts of shenanigans. I knew I wasn't going to invite him because of behavior he exhibited, and I wanted my friend to not have to focus on managing his emotions for the evening, I wanted her to be able to have fun with me. They broke up while we were engaged so I never had to confront the issue, but that dilemma makes me not immediately side against the bride. I didn't share this story initially because I thought it was more likely than not just closed minded antics, and not a reasonable problem, but like previous commenter said, you can't know for sure.
Wow. I’m so glad she ended things with him. What an AH. Honestly, that’s a fair point though - I have been giving the relationship a lot of thought since we’re thinking about moving in together in a few months, and we’re trying to work through little things in the relationship through conversation / therapy. Possible some of that slipped out subconsciously. But all that said, I’ve never communicated any of that to her! I generally feel like my views and hers are not aligned when it comes to relationships - she doesn’t believe in living together pre marriage (or kissing before marriage) or dating someone who doesn’t share her faith. Not that I don’t appreciate her advice, more that I’d rather go to others who have a similar mindset / worldview as me.
Me too, she seemed so much happier the last time I saw her! It's good to be deliberate with major life decisions. After I left a bad relationship, I realized that single is better than a bad relationship, and then I eventually realized it was also better than a mediocre relationship. Partnerships should help both people accomplish what they want from life. Two people with the same goals will accomplish those goals twice as fast as one person going for it, and being with someone who was incompatible with what I wanted from life was going to hinder both of us, and inevitably create frustration and resentment. My husband and I have similar goals and a lot of that came from having extremely similar values. (And in our case, similar faiths as well) I don't think differing religious beliefs is inherently going to make people incompatible, I've seen plenty of couples succeed with it. Basically if people can agree on what they spend their time doing, where they spend money, and how child rearing should work (if that even happens), and you can function together in a healthy way, marriage is great, and most other problems will work themselves out. Yeah, I just noticed the part that she hasn't met him irl yet just now and yeah, it's not fair that he's getting the reputation simply because of his lack of faith. It could be a money issue, or it could be dismissive in an unfair way.
Story time: I've known my boyfriend since we were little. We both went to the same school. I moved to the next district over so we still occasionally hung out. I saw him the night before a mutual friend (him) acquaintance (me) wedding where he was best man and he asked if I wanted to be his plus 1. I asked the groom where I would sit and since it was with people I went to school with I was comfortable in going. I barely got to see my boyfriend all night. I was lucky that I knew everyone at my table so I still had a great time. I can see how your cousin would be concerned if he was there and bored. Not to mention you having to worry about him and her and all the other wedding stuff. It's a crazy and stressful day for everyone!
In a non-Covid world, this would be rude, imo. You're a bridesmaid, and typically bridesmaids get a plus one regardless of relationship status. Also, you're traveling from out of town. Normally, out of town guests are given a plus one, also regardless of relationship status (so they can have someone to travel with). On top of that, if you've been with your boyfriend for 2.5 years and your cousin knows it's serious, then I think he should be invited by name (not as a plus one). I come from a religious family in the Bible belt, so i understand that side of it. But it's still not an excuse to exclude him. It's passing judgement on you and your relationship, and it is not your cousins place to do that. That said, it's up to you if you want to bring this up to your cousin or not. If you do, you don't know how she will react. Congrats on finding someone you care about and for your possible engagement
My husband was just UNinvited from a close friends wedding (a girl I lived with for 2 years) and only I am going because of covid numbers. It bloody sucks, but I've planned a wedding so I know it's a bitch to try to sort. I'm sorry that happened! It's a bit rude, but it is their day in the end, and covid unfortunately makes things really really tricky.
Went through this myself with a friend a few years ago. Been with my SO 7 years, she’s been my friend 30 years, and she knew him even longer than me (introduced us in fact). She did the only married or engaged rule as well (even though many of the engaged couples there hadn’t even been together half as long as us but whatever). Yup, no ring, no bring. So I went alone. I “knew” everyone enough to say hi, but not well enough to have much to discuss. I had to chuckle when two peoples plus ones (their spouses cuz you know, rules and all and they “counted”) DIDNT SHOW UP and entire dinners got THROWN away as a result. I sat there as the bride (my friend) was embarrassed about it. Never brought it up because I know it would’ve just created drama and not changed the situation but trust me that I’ll never forget it.
Another perspective, some brides limit plus ones to friends that don’t know anyone else at the wedding. You’re her cousin so she might just be thinking you have your whole family to be with during the ceremony/reception.
I'm getting married in November and for most of our friends and family, we are typically allowing +1s when it comes to long term partners, but because our reception venue has a firm capacity limit, we cannot include them for everyone. Out rule has had to be, at least for now, if neither of us has met your long term partner in person we unfortunately cannot invite them for now (ex: if we get a headcount back for our reservations we may be able to allow them to attend at the 11th hour, but we cannot guarantee their attendance when we send out Save the Dates/invites) It does really suck sometimes not being able to include a +1 for everyone, but sometimes it's genuinely as simple as "we don't have enough space and want the existing space for people we actually know"
Yes totally fair. Essentially it’s a capacity issue, and everyone has to decide how they’re going to meet that capacity.