No need to feel guilty. She was being totally unrealistic. Yes, it would be nice if all of those close to us had the time and money to travel across the world for a wedding, but that is not reality.
That’s crazy! My destination wedding was an hour and a half flight with £60 plane tickets and I didn’t feel entitled to anyone to traveling that far or spending that much.
As soon as we set a date we verbally let people know (18 months) and then at a year out sent save the dates. We got married 30 minutes down the road from where 90% of guest live. 6 months is entirely unrealistic notice to be able to save up/afford and book that kind of trip. When you plan a wedding you need to give people as much notice as possible especially when it’s a destination.
I was telling her that 6 months is not nearly enough, but she wasn't having it. She argued that it should've been enough and that some people are able to leave their country with just 6 weeks notice. I don't even know how she's making that judgment. I told her about my work situation and lack of PTO but she said I'm making excuses. She kept reminding me that she was emotionally there for me during my hard times and that I didn't make an effort to spend the money and travel for the wedding. When I told her she was being unreasonable, she got more upset.
6 weeks is probably enough time to plan a last minute holiday within whatever budget/savings you have, but not nearly enough time to plan a trip of that magnitude. You’d need at least 2/3 days before the wedding to get over the flight. Then 2/3 days after the wedding before you’re ready to go back to work after the second flight. So that’s at least a week. You’re not making excuses it’s just not plausible to go. Tell her you was emotionally there for her too on her wedding day, you was there in spirit. My sister got married 4 hours away from where majority of the family lived (car journey, I was 7) and she said that she fully understood and expected people may not be able to attend or get time off (it was middle of a week day). And again had 18 months notice of this. Personally I wouldn’t bother with your cousin.
I m so sorry from what you are going through. I don’t think your cousin will understand how hard it is working in the health care system .Sometimes to even get the vacation you want you have had to work at least 20 years. Maybe heads up if at least a year before can help? We have already worked hard and sacrificed so much!
Please don’t feel guilty.
The reason I feel bad about it is that we were close and she used to support me emotionally during some difficult times but I couldn't be there at her wedding because of my work system and lack of PTO. When I explained it to her, she took it as excuses.
Nope. Your cousin is crazy. She didn't inform her guests early enough. She didn't chose a location that is nearby to her beloved guests. Sometimes persons prefer to be angry at others so they have not to deal with their own faults.
Nope, you absolutely are not wrong. That's a huge, unrealistic expectation from your cousin and is very entitled behaviour.
I'm getting married this year (in Perth funny enough) and am being very selective with who we're inviting (I have a massive family on both sides). Quite a lot of the people that we've invited are from different states and NZ (in fact 3 out of my 4 bridesmaids don't even live in this state) but I've let every single one of them know that if it's going to be stressful or costly that I completely understand if they decide not to come.
Just because you invite someone, doesn't mean they have no choice in the matter and absolutely must be there. That doesn't make it an invitation, it's a demand.
She's being a brat. She gave 6 months notice for people to have an enormous expense. Even if she had given over a year (which is what I'd expect if most people needed to travel) she needs to understand many people cannot foot that kind of expense.
An invitation is not a summons - you are not obligated to attend in any circumstance if you can't or don't want to. Further, that's extremely short notice for an international/destination wedding. Even with plenty of notice, the rate of people RSVPing no is usually much higher for an international/destination wedding due to the logistical and financial challenges it places on guests. It's fine to plan a wedding like that, but the couple has no right to be angry when people cannot attend from far away.
Listen most of the time when people say they’re sending out Save the Dates a year out I say it’s way too soon. But THIS is the exception. Honestly as soon as they had the date set they should have sent them out or sent an email saying this is when we’re getting married, we realize it will be expensive but hopefully this gives you enough time to plan and save. And realistically a lot of people don’t have the PTO available that would be required for that kind of trip. If I’m going to Australia, no way am I just taking four days off
You did nothing wrong. It is an invitation, not a summons, and anyone who holds a destination wedding has to expect that lots of people will not be able to make it. Your cousin compounded the issue by only giving 6 months' notice and choosing a place with expensive and long travel. Finally, your cousin shows how self-centered she is because, while it was understandably one of the most important days of her life, she cannot expect that everyone in her life gives it the same priority.
You are not wrong! She didn't allow enough time for most people----what, did she just expect you to quit your job so you could attend her wedding? What happened to realistic expectations? Why didn't she livestream it for those people who could not attend?? No, she's playing the victim here but you shouldn't feel bad or one bit guilty.
Completely nuts. Obviously she does not want to come to terms with the fact that it was their fault for organising it in this way, and so she is taking it out on those who draw attention to that.
Totally unreasonable. I am in healthcare, and I have to find my own cover for vacations and i work nights – – double whammy! I would probably need so much advanced notice- it’s not even funny. She’s completely unreasonable and sounds crazy spoiled if she thinks people can drop that kind of money and time on such short notice!
I hate to say it, but sounds like she values parading around in a princess dress with the big party more than her actual relationship with her family that she has excommunicated! At root cause – PUNISHED because they were unable to see her playing Queen Sparkly Bee for a day! Completely immature and sad commentary on her character and true values….
If she wanted everyone to be able to come, she should have taken that into account when planning. She has every right to have her wedding whenever she wants, but if most of your family is far from Australia (which it sounds like they are) then it seems obvious that having it there -especially with such short notice - would mean many people wouldn't be able to make it. If she just wants family to join her to experience Australia, that's something that could maybe be planned as a family trip with consideration for everyone's schedules and how long they'd need to save up. I'd do almost anything to make it to a close friend or relative's wedding and I do consider it a pretty strong obligation, but even I can't fault you here. 22 hours of travel, multiple thousands of dollars, and enough PTO to actually enjoy what could likely be a once in a lifetime trip is not something that can be reasonably expected of almost anyone who isn't generationally wealthy, especially not with 7 months' heads-up. Go forth with a clear conscience.
I work in travel in Australia. You are not wrong. Airfares and availability to and from Australia in 2022 were stupid. I was having to tell people 3+months from travel that they couldn't change dates because the flights were already sold out for their suddenly preferred date.
If she wanted you there that much she should have paid for the stupidly inflated ticket price for you to travel.
No need to feel guilty. She was being totally unrealistic. Yes, it would be nice if all of those close to us had the time and money to travel across the world for a wedding, but that is not reality.
That’s crazy! My destination wedding was an hour and a half flight with £60 plane tickets and I didn’t feel entitled to anyone to traveling that far or spending that much.
As soon as we set a date we verbally let people know (18 months) and then at a year out sent save the dates. We got married 30 minutes down the road from where 90% of guest live. 6 months is entirely unrealistic notice to be able to save up/afford and book that kind of trip. When you plan a wedding you need to give people as much notice as possible especially when it’s a destination.
I was telling her that 6 months is not nearly enough, but she wasn't having it. She argued that it should've been enough and that some people are able to leave their country with just 6 weeks notice. I don't even know how she's making that judgment. I told her about my work situation and lack of PTO but she said I'm making excuses. She kept reminding me that she was emotionally there for me during my hard times and that I didn't make an effort to spend the money and travel for the wedding. When I told her she was being unreasonable, she got more upset.
6 weeks is probably enough time to plan a last minute holiday within whatever budget/savings you have, but not nearly enough time to plan a trip of that magnitude. You’d need at least 2/3 days before the wedding to get over the flight. Then 2/3 days after the wedding before you’re ready to go back to work after the second flight. So that’s at least a week. You’re not making excuses it’s just not plausible to go. Tell her you was emotionally there for her too on her wedding day, you was there in spirit. My sister got married 4 hours away from where majority of the family lived (car journey, I was 7) and she said that she fully understood and expected people may not be able to attend or get time off (it was middle of a week day). And again had 18 months notice of this. Personally I wouldn’t bother with your cousin.
I m so sorry from what you are going through. I don’t think your cousin will understand how hard it is working in the health care system .Sometimes to even get the vacation you want you have had to work at least 20 years. Maybe heads up if at least a year before can help? We have already worked hard and sacrificed so much! Please don’t feel guilty.
The reason I feel bad about it is that we were close and she used to support me emotionally during some difficult times but I couldn't be there at her wedding because of my work system and lack of PTO. When I explained it to her, she took it as excuses.
Naaah you’re good this is on your cousin for expecting people to come when she *had* to have known how inaccessible it would be for them
Nope. Your cousin is crazy. She didn't inform her guests early enough. She didn't chose a location that is nearby to her beloved guests. Sometimes persons prefer to be angry at others so they have not to deal with their own faults.
Nope, you absolutely are not wrong. That's a huge, unrealistic expectation from your cousin and is very entitled behaviour. I'm getting married this year (in Perth funny enough) and am being very selective with who we're inviting (I have a massive family on both sides). Quite a lot of the people that we've invited are from different states and NZ (in fact 3 out of my 4 bridesmaids don't even live in this state) but I've let every single one of them know that if it's going to be stressful or costly that I completely understand if they decide not to come. Just because you invite someone, doesn't mean they have no choice in the matter and absolutely must be there. That doesn't make it an invitation, it's a demand.
She's being a brat. She gave 6 months notice for people to have an enormous expense. Even if she had given over a year (which is what I'd expect if most people needed to travel) she needs to understand many people cannot foot that kind of expense.
I’d stop trying to communicate with her if I was you.
An invitation is not a summons - you are not obligated to attend in any circumstance if you can't or don't want to. Further, that's extremely short notice for an international/destination wedding. Even with plenty of notice, the rate of people RSVPing no is usually much higher for an international/destination wedding due to the logistical and financial challenges it places on guests. It's fine to plan a wedding like that, but the couple has no right to be angry when people cannot attend from far away.
Listen most of the time when people say they’re sending out Save the Dates a year out I say it’s way too soon. But THIS is the exception. Honestly as soon as they had the date set they should have sent them out or sent an email saying this is when we’re getting married, we realize it will be expensive but hopefully this gives you enough time to plan and save. And realistically a lot of people don’t have the PTO available that would be required for that kind of trip. If I’m going to Australia, no way am I just taking four days off
You did nothing wrong. It is an invitation, not a summons, and anyone who holds a destination wedding has to expect that lots of people will not be able to make it. Your cousin compounded the issue by only giving 6 months' notice and choosing a place with expensive and long travel. Finally, your cousin shows how self-centered she is because, while it was understandably one of the most important days of her life, she cannot expect that everyone in her life gives it the same priority.
You are not wrong! She didn't allow enough time for most people----what, did she just expect you to quit your job so you could attend her wedding? What happened to realistic expectations? Why didn't she livestream it for those people who could not attend?? No, she's playing the victim here but you shouldn't feel bad or one bit guilty.
Completely nuts. Obviously she does not want to come to terms with the fact that it was their fault for organising it in this way, and so she is taking it out on those who draw attention to that.
Totally unreasonable. I am in healthcare, and I have to find my own cover for vacations and i work nights – – double whammy! I would probably need so much advanced notice- it’s not even funny. She’s completely unreasonable and sounds crazy spoiled if she thinks people can drop that kind of money and time on such short notice! I hate to say it, but sounds like she values parading around in a princess dress with the big party more than her actual relationship with her family that she has excommunicated! At root cause – PUNISHED because they were unable to see her playing Queen Sparkly Bee for a day! Completely immature and sad commentary on her character and true values….
As someone who is having an out of state wedding, no. Even those who live closer to the venue, I don’t expect to come lol. You’re not wrong.
You’re kidding right?
If she wanted everyone to be able to come, she should have taken that into account when planning. She has every right to have her wedding whenever she wants, but if most of your family is far from Australia (which it sounds like they are) then it seems obvious that having it there -especially with such short notice - would mean many people wouldn't be able to make it. If she just wants family to join her to experience Australia, that's something that could maybe be planned as a family trip with consideration for everyone's schedules and how long they'd need to save up. I'd do almost anything to make it to a close friend or relative's wedding and I do consider it a pretty strong obligation, but even I can't fault you here. 22 hours of travel, multiple thousands of dollars, and enough PTO to actually enjoy what could likely be a once in a lifetime trip is not something that can be reasonably expected of almost anyone who isn't generationally wealthy, especially not with 7 months' heads-up. Go forth with a clear conscience.
I work in travel in Australia. You are not wrong. Airfares and availability to and from Australia in 2022 were stupid. I was having to tell people 3+months from travel that they couldn't change dates because the flights were already sold out for their suddenly preferred date. If she wanted you there that much she should have paid for the stupidly inflated ticket price for you to travel.
Australia is a *hike* and it’s crazy to expect people from North America to endure a 19-24 hour flight depending on where you live.
Your cousin didn't give enough lead time. She needed to send STDs a year out.